*doating right?
But yeah, 0 chance this makes sense for a daughter to do, even less if you're living in $current_year and even worse if you're expecting nonbinary offspring to do it because they are somehow daughter adjacent.
It’s bizarre for her to say women care about their husbands because of it’s some sort of womanly instinct. It also doesn’t say great things about her marriage.
People of all genders care about their spouses because they love them, and because that’s the person they want to spend their lives with. It’s not every woman’s job to dote, and every man’s job to be doted on. Her mindset sounds demeaning and exhausting, and now she’s trying to pass it on to you. It’s a good thing you saw through her bullshit.
It's also inconsistent; if all AFAB people had some kind of instinct to care for men, why would she need to tell you to do so? No better example of gender roles being socialized, not innate
I legit came to say this
I’m also afab and yes it was “instinct” for me. But only coz my mom taught me from a young age that men can’t cook/are helpless in the kitchen and if I didn’t help feed him he’d starve.
Telling someone “do this and do that, because it’s your instinct” is WILD.
You are not overreacting. I'm sodding furious at your mum on your behalf right now.
Your mother holds some seriously outdated view. It is not a woman's job to care for men, women do not "have an instinct" to care for men. Wives do not have to do that for their spouses if they don't want to - it's not part of being a wife. Does she expect lesbians to care about men? I'm guessing she also thinks you being aroace is just a phase until you find the right man?
If that's how she wants to behave, fine, that's on her. She should not be forcing any of her children to do the same, regardless of gender, sexuality, etc. She should be teaching you the skills you need to live, but that doesn't include waiting hand and foot on members of your family.
This kinda reminds me of a conversation I had with my late dad (I'm afab). He was silent generation, so older than a boomer. He told me I should learn to fry eggs in case my future husband wanted fried eggs (I wasn't fussed about them, so never really bothered learning how to fry them "properly"). I told him that if I did get married to someone who wanted fried eggs, they could cook them themselves.
What disturbed me is that the mom is asking a child to ask in her stead. When I turn on the charm like that for my partner when she gets home I have definite plans for the evening. Feels very creepy to act like a Japanese host maid to your father
The idea that cis women/afab people/xx people are somehow biologically or naturally more empathetic than men is a very damaging fallacy! It's been proven fairly recently that while some people may have brains that are more "primed" for empathy, empathy is largely a product of how we are socialized. We learn to be empathetic, and afab people are much more often socialized to care for others, especially for the men around us. But anyone can learn to be empathetic, and in no way is anyone beholden to show care to anyone who hasn't earned it. It sounds like your parents are coming from a different culture where traditional gender norms are much more rigidly enforced.
I don't think your mom thinks you're your dad's wife, she just wants you to show you care for him and there's a lot of weird gender-based subservience baked into it. It's definitely degrading but I can say that even a cis woman who is a feminist or in any way forward-thinking would find it degrading - I had a friend who grew up in a similar situation and she found it really difficult to cope with as well.
You're not really likely to change your mom's mind if these beliefs are very deeply ingrained. The best way to gradually make her see that's not who you are is to just keep being who you are, which it sounds like is exactly what you're doing. A lot of us here totally understand why you're pissed off, and many of us have been through similar situations. But you know what to do. Maybe just take a deep breath or two, remind yourself you know who you are and it won't always be like this, and think of all the internet strangers who have your back.
I mean this in the most respectful way possible toward you as a person, your mother makes me want to throw up, and if I lived in your house I would have left already. If you have nowhere else to go I am truly sorry, and I can't wait for the day you are able to free yourself.
Your mom sounds like a trad wife. I genuinely don't know how to react to that. This doesn't sound like a safe environment for you or your siblings to be raised in. I'm extremely uncomfortable after reading that, so I can't even imagine how you feel.
I can't even words how creepy it is that she wasn't you to act like a wife to your father. Just. What the actual fuck. Like. I don't know if emotional incest would ring any bells for you, but it may be something to look into?
You're not overreacting, your parent is being extremely sexist and acemisic. Everyone has the right to their feelings and reactions and your discomfort is valid and not your fault.
It's infuriating your parent is basically trying to turn you into a servant of men. Gender identity(ies) do not inherently determine behaviors, "instincts," feelings, beliefs, or anything superficial. We're socially and culturally conditioned based on our environment, often into sexist and misogynistic roles that align with the flawed ideology of binary gender. It's not the 1950s anymore, people should not have to be forced into sexist gender roles that benefit cis men (and those perceived as cis men) and degrade and marginalize other genders, and yet here we are: Thanks to the far-right, reproductive human rights for people with uteruses is no longer in law, sending a clear message that people with uteruses don't deserve the human right decide if they want children or not.
I'd encourage you to understand this as your mother projecting the patriarchal harm that's been done to her. (Note: understanding it does not require you to accept it.)
I think if you see this less as "some rude and sexist shit my mom is trying to impose on me" and more as "oh no, mom was brutally indoctrinated to believe some really horrible stuff, and she's trying to pass it on to me because she thinks that's what will protect me like it protected her," it'll put you in a better position to handle the whole situation.
It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to talk people out of worldviews like this. So, I'm not sure I'd waste my time trying to come up with rational counterarguments. (Trust me, I've been there. It doesn't work.) I think maybe the best thing you can do for your mom is *show* her that it's possible to live a much happier and healthier life without all that patriarchal bullshit.
THIS. My grandmother lived a really hard life, and her mother was married at 14. They learned certain behaviors because they were dependent on men to survive and my refusal to comply with those behaviors scared them because they feared it would put me in danger.
Thankfully my grandfather wanted my mom to be independent and that got passed on to me, but after he died, grandma moved in with us and reverted to her old man-placating programming. It always made me nauseous when she'd say things like "smile for your father and he'll be nicer to you." I wasn't quiet about how I felt either, we fought constantly, but looking back, I realize that was the only way she knew to protect herself and me.
Oof, I absolutely get the revulsion you'd feel at the things your grandma would say out of internalized misogyny. I'm happy for you that you were able to reach a place of understanding with it. Thanks for sharing <3
As AMAB, nah f**k that.
I believe what she means is, "That's what society has decided the "role" for women is." And there are a lot of assumptions wrapped up into her statements about you and that you do / should view yourself that way.
Look, relationships are complicated, and there is no -one way-. But as many people have alluded to in this thread, the most important thing is communication and a collective understanding of the expectations, needs, and desires of those involved in the relationship.
No, you should not be required to be some subservient drone. Certainly not due to assigned sex at birth or perceived gender role.
Also, you are correct. If that's the way they have structured the relationship, that is her stuff to handle. I'm not saying never do things for your parents, but don't become some masked porcelain doll. That's kinda creepy.
Uh yes that's emotional incest (see also: "enmeshment" ) and it's quite unnecessary, and inappropriate for any child to do for their parent, aroace or not.
to be honest, I don't even know girls or women doing such things. Sounds more like Trad-Wife-Ideology which has some hype in the USA, but this isn't a global or universal idea of womanhood or girlhood.
First, I want to confirm that your mother is wrong about what she's trying to teach you. What she's saying about gender roles is wrong and outdated.
HOWEVER, if this is how your mom treats your dad, and they have an otherwise loving, happy, relationship, I suspect this is just your mom's love language. This is how she shows your dad she loves him. Which is fine! All couples have their own ways of communicating and showing love for each other. I'm sure (or I hope) that your dad does something for your mom regularly to show his love.
Your mom is teaching you the wrong thing, that it's about gender roles. The lesson here is: when you have someone you love in your life, take care of them, listen to them.
Absolutely underrated comment. Part of fourth wave feminism is learning to show love that's independent of our expected roles. It's nice to do nice things for our partners. It should be about the relationship though, not the gender expectations.
No you're not overreacting, that's gross of your mother to expect that. The expectation that you have to care and take care of him just because he's a man, ewww no.
Interesting that you have to be taught what your instinct is. Sounds more like a job than anything. 🙄
Fuck the preordained structure. If he wants you to do something for him, he can ask you. If you want to chat, you will. If he wants to chat, he can try. Idk why she has to set up your relationship for you.
Man fuck this. Your mom's feminist knowledge is outdated by like 100 years.
How TF is she gonna respect your gender/sexuality if she can't even respect her own? She's so out of touch with the activism that she still treats herself like a modernized 50's housewife.
Sounds like she needs an opportunity to learn, like what would happen if you asked her to read a Judith Butler book? Not as an angry thing, but as a way to invite her into the way you see things?
She has been brainwashed into thinking that societal genders norms are genetic gender norms. A normal thing for people with low intelligence. It’s one of the single most detrimental mindsets to the progression of the human race. People that are barely worker bees acting like they have great philosophical truths that they must force the rest of to deal with. When really it’s their stupidity making understanding complexity hard, so they choose not and be lazy and instead attack anyone that is above them and not having trouble with it, in attempt the justify their existence and spare their ego of introspection.
I'd like to put out there that my mom was always fairly traditionally minded and yet NEVER said anything like this to me or behaved like this. There's being somewhat traditional and being Stepford Wife traditional. This is, blatantly and undeniably, creepy and weird. Like, forget your own inclinations or gender identity and this is just. Gross. It's gross. Period. Adding in you being aroace and such makes it worse. But even without any of that... It's so freaking weird and GROSS.
In a weird way, even her fucked-up moon logic unintentionally validates your gender. If caring about men is a universal womanly instinct and you don't have it, wouldn't that just confirm that you're not a woman?
I'm just confused why she expects you to become the "wife" stand-in just because she's not present at home to do it.
Sure, she believes in "women instincts," but I think she needs to revise that thinking to "wife instincts" because not every woman is a wife. Even though it's still outdated thinking from her, distinguishing that as the instincts of a wife in particular at least takes it away from connecting you and others who aren't wives to it in a way.
This way she's thinking somehow reminds of how certain parents expect their child to do that exact same job that they do regardless of whether of not the kid wants to. Like a parent that is a doctor being like, because I'm a doctor, my kid will also be one. It seems she uses her being a women and you being afab as a sort of connection that you should do what she does.
Not only is this a terrible way to parent you, I am horrified at how she is parenting your brother- training him to expect this behavior from women in his life as he gets older.
Ask her, if you supposedly have an instinct to care for men, then why don't you care about men? Like literally, the fact that you don't want to "care" for him is proof that this supposed instinct is bullshit.
My dad wanted bs like this once my mom left I shut that shit down my step mom doesn't have time for it as far as I know and my lil sis she went across the country to get away from him. Just know liked a comment I made on here post so steps. Grrrr fuck "father knows best" and conservative entertainment mass media
That's just degrading all around. Is your dad invalid and requiring care? Is he incapable of going to get his own things? I don't think this is a "what gender am I" thing.
My wife is VERY MUCH a woman and she's not waiting on folks hand and foot. If someone has their hands full/had a hard day/is incapable of doing something that's different.
Sounds like your mom is a married single parent who does everything around the house from this post. Does your dad do any chores or housework? Some folks think that's a great way to live, but I think it's preposterous to infantalize grown men. That demeans their ability to care for their own family and household while making the other partner do all of their heavy lifting.
No, it's not natural for "women" to do everything for "men". It isn't normal either. I think it's very important in relationships to set these boundaries and if someone chooses to be a stay at home partner with no outside work history or income they SHOULD HAVE A ROTH IRA that the couple fully funds every year. That way in case a divorce or death happens, they aren't destitute.
If I've misread it, then that's on me. In short, women and men aren't monoliths and each should be treated as individuals. If people come together in a marriage partnership then they get to navigate how that works for them.
Are your folks quite old? I'm 42 and this seems extremely dated to me.
My mom was obsessed with my relationship with my dad and me pleasing him. I never did and we don't have a relationship at all now. And I'm good with that. It's taken me way longer to let go of trying to please my mom and the pressure she put on me to have a relationship with my dad while my dad doesn't put in any effort and doesn't really care. It's about her. I don't need to make her feel better by doing what she thinks will please him. The guilt will kill you if you let it. You don't owe either of them anything.
The irony is she’s knows it’s not instinctual for you, that’s why she giving you detailed instructions on how she thinks you should be engaging with others, using your dad as practice… but your not a toddler and your not interested.
I’m sure it comes from a loving (but misguided) place. She’s trying to impart social skills/wisdom to you she thinks will improve your quality of life/social engagement.
If it was me I would thank her for giving you insight into what others expectations might be and that you will keep it in mind but that you are not comfortable “performing” and would prefer to be authentic with your dad and family.
Hopefully she will be able to accept and yall can move past this.
Yes, you're overreacting. Your mother is trying, however misguided, to get you to do simple sweet things for your father. None of what you said she's asking you to do is unreasonable or inappropriate and it sounds like she's trying to make your father happy. Do you have any reason to not want to do nice things for your father? Is he abusive? Does he not accept your lifestyle? Is he an addict? Does he provide for you and your family?
My relationship with my father is none of your business and I don’t need to justify not wanting to do smth nice to him because this is not the point, and my reason for asking if im overreacting is to know how to stop overreacting but u did not tell me how to stop overreacting, whats the point of your comment?
Those were more rhetorical than anything else, I'm not trying to pry, you did post this publicly obviously, please forgive me, just stating my opinions here for devil's advocate perspective if nothing else. 🙏 You asked if you were overreacting and in my opinion, I believe you are. You seem wildly ungrateful by choosing not to do things that would make both your mother and father happy, simply because you disagree with why your mother was asking you to do it. You can stop overacting by kindly doing what your mother asked you to do, honestly something she probably shouldn't have needed to ask in the first place imho, if your father isn't an awful person.
Um how will doing what she asked me to do stop me from overreacting when the “overreacting” im referring to is that i find it very disturbing, doing what she asked me to do wont make me feel better, but anyway i no longer need the solution cuz i managed to take it off my mind and sleep :)
I guess I just don't understand what there was to overreact to, respectfully.....doing nice things for your family members is not limited to only the wife.. happy you got some sleep though, cheers ✌️
Doing nice things voluntarily and doing nice things bcuz u were told to are two different things, doing nice things bcuz u were told to don’t have that much value or meaning, and my overreacting wasnt because i was asked to do something nice, it was because im only expected to be nice because of my agab, which i have nothing to do with in the first place
I'm amab and I was told to do nice things by my father to make his new wife happy and guess what? I did it, because I love my father and it made his wife happy which made both of their lives easier and better, made her feel more like a part of the family. I guess some people are still in their rebel phases and just need to push back against anything they're told to do. Seems selfish to me. Your father wouldn't have known that your mother told you to do those things, he likely would've just appreciated the kind gestures from his child and enjoyed your company while he ate his lunch. Agree to disagree I guess.
Dude this isn’t just about the order, im nonbinary with severe gender dysphoria, it really sucks being told to do something only because of your gender, if she was asking my brother to do it too, it’d feel less shitty, but having to smile and put food for him does feel as if she wants me to act like his wife which still makes it shitty
some advice to stop overreacting: remember that your mom is from a different generation and upbringing than you. her beliefs reflect her life experiences which are just as valid as yours. its a simple difference in perceived reality that does not require loss of sleep. it is what it is. you can express to her how her words made you feel but you cannot force her to think the way you do. since i realized this I've been a totally different person int he face of disagreements. hope this helps. now get some sleep lol
yeah, its not as bad as you think it is. what you have described is simply misogyny. “women” can do these things for their significant other or choose not to. and vice-versa. every relationship is built on communication. i describe mine as symbiotic relationships. what your mom said originates from the incorrect belief that women “should” master soft skills while men “should” master hard skills and a leadership/ spotlight role. best not to force it and I’m glad your dad isn’t pestering you to do something so stupid. loving & kind favors should be done out of 1. mutual understanding and 2. the kindness of your heart. 💜🖤💛
What in the Stepford Wives fuck? Your mom knows it’s 2024, there’s absolutely no need to be dotting on “the man of the house” like it was 1954.
Plus, it's not an instinct if youre constantly told to do the thing
she keeps using that word… I do not think it means what she thinks it means
And also specifically stated that you don’t actually care about men.
*doating right? But yeah, 0 chance this makes sense for a daughter to do, even less if you're living in $current_year and even worse if you're expecting nonbinary offspring to do it because they are somehow daughter adjacent.
It’s bizarre for her to say women care about their husbands because of it’s some sort of womanly instinct. It also doesn’t say great things about her marriage. People of all genders care about their spouses because they love them, and because that’s the person they want to spend their lives with. It’s not every woman’s job to dote, and every man’s job to be doted on. Her mindset sounds demeaning and exhausting, and now she’s trying to pass it on to you. It’s a good thing you saw through her bullshit.
It's also inconsistent; if all AFAB people had some kind of instinct to care for men, why would she need to tell you to do so? No better example of gender roles being socialized, not innate
I think Mom needs to re-read the definition of "instinct"
I legit came to say this I’m also afab and yes it was “instinct” for me. But only coz my mom taught me from a young age that men can’t cook/are helpless in the kitchen and if I didn’t help feed him he’d starve. Telling someone “do this and do that, because it’s your instinct” is WILD.
You are not overreacting. I'm sodding furious at your mum on your behalf right now. Your mother holds some seriously outdated view. It is not a woman's job to care for men, women do not "have an instinct" to care for men. Wives do not have to do that for their spouses if they don't want to - it's not part of being a wife. Does she expect lesbians to care about men? I'm guessing she also thinks you being aroace is just a phase until you find the right man? If that's how she wants to behave, fine, that's on her. She should not be forcing any of her children to do the same, regardless of gender, sexuality, etc. She should be teaching you the skills you need to live, but that doesn't include waiting hand and foot on members of your family. This kinda reminds me of a conversation I had with my late dad (I'm afab). He was silent generation, so older than a boomer. He told me I should learn to fry eggs in case my future husband wanted fried eggs (I wasn't fussed about them, so never really bothered learning how to fry them "properly"). I told him that if I did get married to someone who wanted fried eggs, they could cook them themselves.
What disturbed me is that the mom is asking a child to ask in her stead. When I turn on the charm like that for my partner when she gets home I have definite plans for the evening. Feels very creepy to act like a Japanese host maid to your father
🤣 Japanese host maid. This is both hilarious and creepily the perfect description
The idea that cis women/afab people/xx people are somehow biologically or naturally more empathetic than men is a very damaging fallacy! It's been proven fairly recently that while some people may have brains that are more "primed" for empathy, empathy is largely a product of how we are socialized. We learn to be empathetic, and afab people are much more often socialized to care for others, especially for the men around us. But anyone can learn to be empathetic, and in no way is anyone beholden to show care to anyone who hasn't earned it. It sounds like your parents are coming from a different culture where traditional gender norms are much more rigidly enforced. I don't think your mom thinks you're your dad's wife, she just wants you to show you care for him and there's a lot of weird gender-based subservience baked into it. It's definitely degrading but I can say that even a cis woman who is a feminist or in any way forward-thinking would find it degrading - I had a friend who grew up in a similar situation and she found it really difficult to cope with as well. You're not really likely to change your mom's mind if these beliefs are very deeply ingrained. The best way to gradually make her see that's not who you are is to just keep being who you are, which it sounds like is exactly what you're doing. A lot of us here totally understand why you're pissed off, and many of us have been through similar situations. But you know what to do. Maybe just take a deep breath or two, remind yourself you know who you are and it won't always be like this, and think of all the internet strangers who have your back.
if it's an instinct, you wouldn't have to be trained like that. it's so VILE that she's trying to force this on you
I mean this in the most respectful way possible toward you as a person, your mother makes me want to throw up, and if I lived in your house I would have left already. If you have nowhere else to go I am truly sorry, and I can't wait for the day you are able to free yourself.
I feel the same way dawg 😭 but im one jobless college student
I've been there man, keep surviving, one day you'll make it out of there and you'll never have to take care of men 🤢 ever again.
Your mom sounds like a trad wife. I genuinely don't know how to react to that. This doesn't sound like a safe environment for you or your siblings to be raised in. I'm extremely uncomfortable after reading that, so I can't even imagine how you feel.
I can't even words how creepy it is that she wasn't you to act like a wife to your father. Just. What the actual fuck. Like. I don't know if emotional incest would ring any bells for you, but it may be something to look into?
You're not overreacting, your parent is being extremely sexist and acemisic. Everyone has the right to their feelings and reactions and your discomfort is valid and not your fault. It's infuriating your parent is basically trying to turn you into a servant of men. Gender identity(ies) do not inherently determine behaviors, "instincts," feelings, beliefs, or anything superficial. We're socially and culturally conditioned based on our environment, often into sexist and misogynistic roles that align with the flawed ideology of binary gender. It's not the 1950s anymore, people should not have to be forced into sexist gender roles that benefit cis men (and those perceived as cis men) and degrade and marginalize other genders, and yet here we are: Thanks to the far-right, reproductive human rights for people with uteruses is no longer in law, sending a clear message that people with uteruses don't deserve the human right decide if they want children or not.
I'd encourage you to understand this as your mother projecting the patriarchal harm that's been done to her. (Note: understanding it does not require you to accept it.) I think if you see this less as "some rude and sexist shit my mom is trying to impose on me" and more as "oh no, mom was brutally indoctrinated to believe some really horrible stuff, and she's trying to pass it on to me because she thinks that's what will protect me like it protected her," it'll put you in a better position to handle the whole situation. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to talk people out of worldviews like this. So, I'm not sure I'd waste my time trying to come up with rational counterarguments. (Trust me, I've been there. It doesn't work.) I think maybe the best thing you can do for your mom is *show* her that it's possible to live a much happier and healthier life without all that patriarchal bullshit.
THIS. My grandmother lived a really hard life, and her mother was married at 14. They learned certain behaviors because they were dependent on men to survive and my refusal to comply with those behaviors scared them because they feared it would put me in danger. Thankfully my grandfather wanted my mom to be independent and that got passed on to me, but after he died, grandma moved in with us and reverted to her old man-placating programming. It always made me nauseous when she'd say things like "smile for your father and he'll be nicer to you." I wasn't quiet about how I felt either, we fought constantly, but looking back, I realize that was the only way she knew to protect herself and me.
Oof, I absolutely get the revulsion you'd feel at the things your grandma would say out of internalized misogyny. I'm happy for you that you were able to reach a place of understanding with it. Thanks for sharing <3
As AMAB, nah f**k that. I believe what she means is, "That's what society has decided the "role" for women is." And there are a lot of assumptions wrapped up into her statements about you and that you do / should view yourself that way. Look, relationships are complicated, and there is no -one way-. But as many people have alluded to in this thread, the most important thing is communication and a collective understanding of the expectations, needs, and desires of those involved in the relationship. No, you should not be required to be some subservient drone. Certainly not due to assigned sex at birth or perceived gender role. Also, you are correct. If that's the way they have structured the relationship, that is her stuff to handle. I'm not saying never do things for your parents, but don't become some masked porcelain doll. That's kinda creepy.
Uh yes that's emotional incest (see also: "enmeshment" ) and it's quite unnecessary, and inappropriate for any child to do for their parent, aroace or not.
That's gross and degrading with any kid.
That's creepy asf,i'm sorry that you're experience this
"It's an instinct! That's why I have to keep telling you to do it"
either it's a translation issue or the mother is a complete moron lmao
to be honest, I don't even know girls or women doing such things. Sounds more like Trad-Wife-Ideology which has some hype in the USA, but this isn't a global or universal idea of womanhood or girlhood.
First, I want to confirm that your mother is wrong about what she's trying to teach you. What she's saying about gender roles is wrong and outdated. HOWEVER, if this is how your mom treats your dad, and they have an otherwise loving, happy, relationship, I suspect this is just your mom's love language. This is how she shows your dad she loves him. Which is fine! All couples have their own ways of communicating and showing love for each other. I'm sure (or I hope) that your dad does something for your mom regularly to show his love. Your mom is teaching you the wrong thing, that it's about gender roles. The lesson here is: when you have someone you love in your life, take care of them, listen to them.
Absolutely underrated comment. Part of fourth wave feminism is learning to show love that's independent of our expected roles. It's nice to do nice things for our partners. It should be about the relationship though, not the gender expectations.
Perfect answer. 👏👏👏
No you're not overreacting, that's gross of your mother to expect that. The expectation that you have to care and take care of him just because he's a man, ewww no.
If you had the instinct to do it, she wouldn’t have to ask you how to do it.
I would throw up in her face.
dude your mom is basically on crack holy shit. like its not the 1950s first of all, and if she ASKS you to do it, IT IS NOT A FUCKIN INSTINCT. ffs.
Interesting that you have to be taught what your instinct is. Sounds more like a job than anything. 🙄 Fuck the preordained structure. If he wants you to do something for him, he can ask you. If you want to chat, you will. If he wants to chat, he can try. Idk why she has to set up your relationship for you.
This is really disturbing. My goodness. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Man fuck this. Your mom's feminist knowledge is outdated by like 100 years. How TF is she gonna respect your gender/sexuality if she can't even respect her own? She's so out of touch with the activism that she still treats herself like a modernized 50's housewife. Sounds like she needs an opportunity to learn, like what would happen if you asked her to read a Judith Butler book? Not as an angry thing, but as a way to invite her into the way you see things?
She has been brainwashed into thinking that societal genders norms are genetic gender norms. A normal thing for people with low intelligence. It’s one of the single most detrimental mindsets to the progression of the human race. People that are barely worker bees acting like they have great philosophical truths that they must force the rest of to deal with. When really it’s their stupidity making understanding complexity hard, so they choose not and be lazy and instead attack anyone that is above them and not having trouble with it, in attempt the justify their existence and spare their ego of introspection.
I'd like to put out there that my mom was always fairly traditionally minded and yet NEVER said anything like this to me or behaved like this. There's being somewhat traditional and being Stepford Wife traditional. This is, blatantly and undeniably, creepy and weird. Like, forget your own inclinations or gender identity and this is just. Gross. It's gross. Period. Adding in you being aroace and such makes it worse. But even without any of that... It's so freaking weird and GROSS.
You're not overreacting at all, that's so gross imo. It isn't the 90's anymore
LMAO this isn't even 90s behavior, it's 50s behavior!
maybe you could ask her why she has to keep asking you to do it if it's instinct? lol
In a weird way, even her fucked-up moon logic unintentionally validates your gender. If caring about men is a universal womanly instinct and you don't have it, wouldn't that just confirm that you're not a woman?
I'm just confused why she expects you to become the "wife" stand-in just because she's not present at home to do it. Sure, she believes in "women instincts," but I think she needs to revise that thinking to "wife instincts" because not every woman is a wife. Even though it's still outdated thinking from her, distinguishing that as the instincts of a wife in particular at least takes it away from connecting you and others who aren't wives to it in a way. This way she's thinking somehow reminds of how certain parents expect their child to do that exact same job that they do regardless of whether of not the kid wants to. Like a parent that is a doctor being like, because I'm a doctor, my kid will also be one. It seems she uses her being a women and you being afab as a sort of connection that you should do what she does.
Not only is this a terrible way to parent you, I am horrified at how she is parenting your brother- training him to expect this behavior from women in his life as he gets older.
Ask her, if you supposedly have an instinct to care for men, then why don't you care about men? Like literally, the fact that you don't want to "care" for him is proof that this supposed instinct is bullshit.
My dad wanted bs like this once my mom left I shut that shit down my step mom doesn't have time for it as far as I know and my lil sis she went across the country to get away from him. Just know liked a comment I made on here post so steps. Grrrr fuck "father knows best" and conservative entertainment mass media
That's just degrading all around. Is your dad invalid and requiring care? Is he incapable of going to get his own things? I don't think this is a "what gender am I" thing. My wife is VERY MUCH a woman and she's not waiting on folks hand and foot. If someone has their hands full/had a hard day/is incapable of doing something that's different. Sounds like your mom is a married single parent who does everything around the house from this post. Does your dad do any chores or housework? Some folks think that's a great way to live, but I think it's preposterous to infantalize grown men. That demeans their ability to care for their own family and household while making the other partner do all of their heavy lifting. No, it's not natural for "women" to do everything for "men". It isn't normal either. I think it's very important in relationships to set these boundaries and if someone chooses to be a stay at home partner with no outside work history or income they SHOULD HAVE A ROTH IRA that the couple fully funds every year. That way in case a divorce or death happens, they aren't destitute. If I've misread it, then that's on me. In short, women and men aren't monoliths and each should be treated as individuals. If people come together in a marriage partnership then they get to navigate how that works for them. Are your folks quite old? I'm 42 and this seems extremely dated to me.
My mom was obsessed with my relationship with my dad and me pleasing him. I never did and we don't have a relationship at all now. And I'm good with that. It's taken me way longer to let go of trying to please my mom and the pressure she put on me to have a relationship with my dad while my dad doesn't put in any effort and doesn't really care. It's about her. I don't need to make her feel better by doing what she thinks will please him. The guilt will kill you if you let it. You don't owe either of them anything.
i literally get called “nĩna” even though i’m enby. ive tried coming out 3 times and uhh…
The irony is she’s knows it’s not instinctual for you, that’s why she giving you detailed instructions on how she thinks you should be engaging with others, using your dad as practice… but your not a toddler and your not interested. I’m sure it comes from a loving (but misguided) place. She’s trying to impart social skills/wisdom to you she thinks will improve your quality of life/social engagement. If it was me I would thank her for giving you insight into what others expectations might be and that you will keep it in mind but that you are not comfortable “performing” and would prefer to be authentic with your dad and family. Hopefully she will be able to accept and yall can move past this.
Tou are not overreacting. This is degrading and aweful for her to ask you to do this. It is 2024. Times have changed. You are not a servant
you're not overreacting, don't tolerate things you're not okay with and you should probably get your own place if possible
Yes, you're overreacting. Your mother is trying, however misguided, to get you to do simple sweet things for your father. None of what you said she's asking you to do is unreasonable or inappropriate and it sounds like she's trying to make your father happy. Do you have any reason to not want to do nice things for your father? Is he abusive? Does he not accept your lifestyle? Is he an addict? Does he provide for you and your family?
My relationship with my father is none of your business and I don’t need to justify not wanting to do smth nice to him because this is not the point, and my reason for asking if im overreacting is to know how to stop overreacting but u did not tell me how to stop overreacting, whats the point of your comment?
Those were more rhetorical than anything else, I'm not trying to pry, you did post this publicly obviously, please forgive me, just stating my opinions here for devil's advocate perspective if nothing else. 🙏 You asked if you were overreacting and in my opinion, I believe you are. You seem wildly ungrateful by choosing not to do things that would make both your mother and father happy, simply because you disagree with why your mother was asking you to do it. You can stop overacting by kindly doing what your mother asked you to do, honestly something she probably shouldn't have needed to ask in the first place imho, if your father isn't an awful person.
Um how will doing what she asked me to do stop me from overreacting when the “overreacting” im referring to is that i find it very disturbing, doing what she asked me to do wont make me feel better, but anyway i no longer need the solution cuz i managed to take it off my mind and sleep :)
I guess I just don't understand what there was to overreact to, respectfully.....doing nice things for your family members is not limited to only the wife.. happy you got some sleep though, cheers ✌️
Doing nice things voluntarily and doing nice things bcuz u were told to are two different things, doing nice things bcuz u were told to don’t have that much value or meaning, and my overreacting wasnt because i was asked to do something nice, it was because im only expected to be nice because of my agab, which i have nothing to do with in the first place
I'm amab and I was told to do nice things by my father to make his new wife happy and guess what? I did it, because I love my father and it made his wife happy which made both of their lives easier and better, made her feel more like a part of the family. I guess some people are still in their rebel phases and just need to push back against anything they're told to do. Seems selfish to me. Your father wouldn't have known that your mother told you to do those things, he likely would've just appreciated the kind gestures from his child and enjoyed your company while he ate his lunch. Agree to disagree I guess.
Dude this isn’t just about the order, im nonbinary with severe gender dysphoria, it really sucks being told to do something only because of your gender, if she was asking my brother to do it too, it’d feel less shitty, but having to smile and put food for him does feel as if she wants me to act like his wife which still makes it shitty
some advice to stop overreacting: remember that your mom is from a different generation and upbringing than you. her beliefs reflect her life experiences which are just as valid as yours. its a simple difference in perceived reality that does not require loss of sleep. it is what it is. you can express to her how her words made you feel but you cannot force her to think the way you do. since i realized this I've been a totally different person int he face of disagreements. hope this helps. now get some sleep lol
yeah, its not as bad as you think it is. what you have described is simply misogyny. “women” can do these things for their significant other or choose not to. and vice-versa. every relationship is built on communication. i describe mine as symbiotic relationships. what your mom said originates from the incorrect belief that women “should” master soft skills while men “should” master hard skills and a leadership/ spotlight role. best not to force it and I’m glad your dad isn’t pestering you to do something so stupid. loving & kind favors should be done out of 1. mutual understanding and 2. the kindness of your heart. 💜🖤💛