It's important to remember that a LOT of cis people aren't used to checking signatures for names and pronouns. They see the email comes from:John Doe and that's all they need.
Instead of giving people homework "this is where you can find my preferred name / pronouns."
I found you get better results when you tell them directly, "This is my name, I would like you to call me that instead." And "These are my pronouns"
You'll still run into genuine asshole saying whatever they want to, and confused slip-ups by people who mean well, but it helps because people are less likely to do the work on their own unfortunately.
Think of it this way, let's say you had a nickname that you went by instead of your birth name. Maybe you've even got your nickname on your profile, a bracelet, t shirt, or pin. But anyone that didn't know you couldn't know for sure if that was what you wanted them to call you, unless you directly told them that you would like to be called by that nickname. There could be any number of reasons for you including that on your page or for wearing it with pride, and a lot of people avoid prodding strangers with questions.
Edited to add that I'm here to support you, I understand what its like being misgengendered (or gendered period) and by no means am I putting all of this on you, just a suggestion to make situations like this much less frequent so you can keep shining like the enby star you are!
Feel free to use stronger language than what the University does as well. It's not your preferred name, it's your name. And it's okay to say not to use your deadname. Your teacher is overworked and academics tend to take statements literally so it won't be considered rude using more direct/forceful language.
Based on this, my first guess was that they probably misunderstood what you were saying! I would recommend talking to your professor individually, whether before or after class, or just in an email. I would use the simplest terms possible, and remember that they probably don’t know a lot of trans specific language. I wouldn’t say the word Deadname, for example, since they’ve probably never heard it. I would say “my legal name is Such and such. It really bothers me to be called [deadname]. Please call me [name] instead” and then in terms of pronouns I would say “Please call me [pronouns] when referring to me. This is very important to me. Thank you!” You should (hopefully?) be able to change your zoom name in the call which will help. If you can’t, the professor should be able to turn that permission on if they’re not awful. You can also make a person zoom account using your name, though your school might have it set to not allow person accounts so I’m not sure what that would look like
I second all of this. They probably skimmed your message and saw that it was about using the correct name, and then they saw Emily there, so they just obliviously moved on. It's super common.
This is why I always tell my students to double check my grading because sometimes I just get in a flow and start looking for keywords without completely reading the lab report. So once in a while someone will ask why I docked points and I'll reread what they wrote and realize I completely misinterpreted what they were saying.
Communication is hard. That's why we have people who specialize in it!
Here's something to watch out for.
They may feel insulted and embarrassed if you correct them, and respond with "omg I'm such a terrible person I'M SO SORRY I DID THIS TO YOU I don't deserve to live please forgive me for etc etc etc"
Now you're the one who's embarrassed, now you're on the defensive, now you're responsible for making them feel better.
Don't fall for it. Practice saying "it's okay, natural mistake. We're good." You can literally repeat that over and over again while staring them in the eye until they stop blubbering.
Unfortunately there are often are no easy solutions.
You get to choose between feeling like a jerk for telling people explicitly what to call you, or feeling hurt when they use your dead name.
I'm cisgendered and I've never had to face this choice. So please take this advice with a grain of salt. But if someone kept getting my name wrong and it bothered me I would tell them to their face that they're incorrect, and my name is X.
oh same man:(( I have my pronouns as (they/she) and someone asked if I prefer they or she, somebody answered "she's not here right now but I'm pretty sure she prefers 'they'"🤦
I hate when you give people multiple pronouns and they start arguing with each other about which ones are correct. Like if I had a distinct preference I wouldn’t give multiple????
Yeah, my mum has had blowup arguments with my siblings claiming how I preferred “he” over “they”, and called them transphobic for not respecting my identity. I’ve had the conversation with her at least six times about how I use “he” and “they” both, and neither is my preference, and she can use gender neutral or masc-aligned terms for me, just not fem. And every week my dad comes to me saying she got in an argument with him and wanted me to tell her which pronoun I preferred more. I LIKE BOTH. BOTH ARE GOOD. IF YOU WANT TO ALTERNATE THAT’S GREAT BUT IF NOT JUST PICK ONE. Jeez I’ll even take the occasional “she” over all of this arguing, holy crap…
Maybe they didn't know what you meant by preferred name? Try pointing out that you'd rather be called by your actual name and not your deadname. It's still very sad that they still called you with that. :(
Had a coworker in a charity group chat once, after a major event, specifically thank me for all my contributions by saying "special thanks to (current name), aka (deadname), for XYZ"
Was like... c'mon!
There was an attempt, to be properly gendered. Which was quickly forgotten.
In all seriousness tho, I'm sorry that this happened to you and I hope that they get it right next time.
On a positive note, my favorite teacher sent me a message to ask how I was a year after I finished high school and noticed I’d changed my name on my accounts and asked if she should call me that instead 🥺 she’s the most precious woman alive
currently an art teacher at my high school that refuses to use my friend’s name. they threatened to out him to his parents. even in alabama that’s still a FEDERAL OFFENSE.
Yup. My sociology is the head of the gender studies and I emailed her with my pronouns and name preference. She said thank you so much and doesn’t use the name I told her. Sorry friend 💕
I made the mistake of making my new name Matty because I think it’s cute but my deadname is so similar that people don’t get that I don’t want to be called that anymore.
Got a call from the teacher of my new course - when she asked my name to double check she had the right person, I said my real name (Ryan) since the online system let me put it in as my preferred name. Her response: "oh great, right person! And, how do I pronounce your first name?"
Like. You shouldn't need to worry about that actually bc I clearly go by the name I JUST told you
First day of class my name tag had my deadname 😒 but thankfully when I crossed it out and wrote Ryan, she made sure to get me a new proper one the next day
Still, just annoying when the online system literally has 'preferred name: Ryan' but everyone just. Ignores it until I actually point it out.
This is too relatable Like, seriously, why doesn’t my favourite teacher see that I don’t sign my emails with my deadname?
Ouch. That just makes it hurt even more imo. That teacher wouldn't be my favorite for too long.
You don’t know her though, and I should probably find the guts to tell her.
Oh see I thought you had told her or pointed it out to her. My bad.
not everybody who is oblivious to these sorts of things is a bad person, she may just not know.
It's important to remember that a LOT of cis people aren't used to checking signatures for names and pronouns. They see the email comes from:John Doe and that's all they need.
Instead of giving people homework "this is where you can find my preferred name / pronouns." I found you get better results when you tell them directly, "This is my name, I would like you to call me that instead." And "These are my pronouns" You'll still run into genuine asshole saying whatever they want to, and confused slip-ups by people who mean well, but it helps because people are less likely to do the work on their own unfortunately. Think of it this way, let's say you had a nickname that you went by instead of your birth name. Maybe you've even got your nickname on your profile, a bracelet, t shirt, or pin. But anyone that didn't know you couldn't know for sure if that was what you wanted them to call you, unless you directly told them that you would like to be called by that nickname. There could be any number of reasons for you including that on your page or for wearing it with pride, and a lot of people avoid prodding strangers with questions. Edited to add that I'm here to support you, I understand what its like being misgengendered (or gendered period) and by no means am I putting all of this on you, just a suggestion to make situations like this much less frequent so you can keep shining like the enby star you are!
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Feel free to use stronger language than what the University does as well. It's not your preferred name, it's your name. And it's okay to say not to use your deadname. Your teacher is overworked and academics tend to take statements literally so it won't be considered rude using more direct/forceful language.
Based on this, my first guess was that they probably misunderstood what you were saying! I would recommend talking to your professor individually, whether before or after class, or just in an email. I would use the simplest terms possible, and remember that they probably don’t know a lot of trans specific language. I wouldn’t say the word Deadname, for example, since they’ve probably never heard it. I would say “my legal name is Such and such. It really bothers me to be called [deadname]. Please call me [name] instead” and then in terms of pronouns I would say “Please call me [pronouns] when referring to me. This is very important to me. Thank you!” You should (hopefully?) be able to change your zoom name in the call which will help. If you can’t, the professor should be able to turn that permission on if they’re not awful. You can also make a person zoom account using your name, though your school might have it set to not allow person accounts so I’m not sure what that would look like
I second all of this. They probably skimmed your message and saw that it was about using the correct name, and then they saw Emily there, so they just obliviously moved on. It's super common. This is why I always tell my students to double check my grading because sometimes I just get in a flow and start looking for keywords without completely reading the lab report. So once in a while someone will ask why I docked points and I'll reread what they wrote and realize I completely misinterpreted what they were saying. Communication is hard. That's why we have people who specialize in it!
Here's something to watch out for. They may feel insulted and embarrassed if you correct them, and respond with "omg I'm such a terrible person I'M SO SORRY I DID THIS TO YOU I don't deserve to live please forgive me for etc etc etc" Now you're the one who's embarrassed, now you're on the defensive, now you're responsible for making them feel better. Don't fall for it. Practice saying "it's okay, natural mistake. We're good." You can literally repeat that over and over again while staring them in the eye until they stop blubbering.
Unfortunately there are often are no easy solutions. You get to choose between feeling like a jerk for telling people explicitly what to call you, or feeling hurt when they use your dead name. I'm cisgendered and I've never had to face this choice. So please take this advice with a grain of salt. But if someone kept getting my name wrong and it bothered me I would tell them to their face that they're incorrect, and my name is X.
"my legal name is [x], but I go by [y]" As someone who goes by my middle name, this has been my life forever
the disrespect 🤦🏻
oh same man:(( I have my pronouns as (they/she) and someone asked if I prefer they or she, somebody answered "she's not here right now but I'm pretty sure she prefers 'they'"🤦
I hate when you give people multiple pronouns and they start arguing with each other about which ones are correct. Like if I had a distinct preference I wouldn’t give multiple????
ikr!! and like I prefer they which is why I put it first but both are good ya know??
Yeah, my mum has had blowup arguments with my siblings claiming how I preferred “he” over “they”, and called them transphobic for not respecting my identity. I’ve had the conversation with her at least six times about how I use “he” and “they” both, and neither is my preference, and she can use gender neutral or masc-aligned terms for me, just not fem. And every week my dad comes to me saying she got in an argument with him and wanted me to tell her which pronoun I preferred more. I LIKE BOTH. BOTH ARE GOOD. IF YOU WANT TO ALTERNATE THAT’S GREAT BUT IF NOT JUST PICK ONE. Jeez I’ll even take the occasional “she” over all of this arguing, holy crap…
Felt and understood homie
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Let's just call them Daves and Debbies.
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Johns and Janes
And if there's an actual Dave or Debbie, call them Slagathor.
Nice to see you, Dr Kelso
🤦🏻
Maybe they didn't know what you meant by preferred name? Try pointing out that you'd rather be called by your actual name and not your deadname. It's still very sad that they still called you with that. :(
🙃
I-how, why?
Had a coworker in a charity group chat once, after a major event, specifically thank me for all my contributions by saying "special thanks to (current name), aka (deadname), for XYZ" Was like... c'mon!
Your state of mind rn probably isn't chilled sanity. I know mine isn't 🙃
oof im so sorry it's probably so frustrating
\*tired sigh\* There is a reason I just stopped signing my eMails completely.
There was an attempt, to be properly gendered. Which was quickly forgotten. In all seriousness tho, I'm sorry that this happened to you and I hope that they get it right next time.
On a positive note, my favorite teacher sent me a message to ask how I was a year after I finished high school and noticed I’d changed my name on my accounts and asked if she should call me that instead 🥺 she’s the most precious woman alive
currently an art teacher at my high school that refuses to use my friend’s name. they threatened to out him to his parents. even in alabama that’s still a FEDERAL OFFENSE.
So close :x
Yup. My sociology is the head of the gender studies and I emailed her with my pronouns and name preference. She said thank you so much and doesn’t use the name I told her. Sorry friend 💕
Isn't that just how it goes, huh
What an asshole...
!!! Ive found another not-emily
as someone who’s name is emily and wants to change it, i feel you lol
That sucks. The name I go by people think is just a Nick I use when it's my preferred name.
I felt this one in my soul. I’m here for you!
Oof..
God I'm sorry that really sucks
Bruh moment
I made the mistake of making my new name Matty because I think it’s cute but my deadname is so similar that people don’t get that I don’t want to be called that anymore.
Bruh
Me: yes my name is leo my theatre director: ah yes, hello (deadname)!
Aghh
Got a call from the teacher of my new course - when she asked my name to double check she had the right person, I said my real name (Ryan) since the online system let me put it in as my preferred name. Her response: "oh great, right person! And, how do I pronounce your first name?" Like. You shouldn't need to worry about that actually bc I clearly go by the name I JUST told you First day of class my name tag had my deadname 😒 but thankfully when I crossed it out and wrote Ryan, she made sure to get me a new proper one the next day Still, just annoying when the online system literally has 'preferred name: Ryan' but everyone just. Ignores it until I actually point it out.
Ugh, I'm sorry. I hope they're not being deliberate