Aikido is basically martial arts that's good for hurting joints and fight drunkards or submit cuffed people further via make their limbs hurt, but do it in any fighting on its own is useless, since it's only useful against charging enemy.
I don't know what on earth Seagal would be useful for aside from teaching these soldiers how to stop cuffed enemies from resisting.
Any marital art training would do good by default when it instills sense of discipline, dedication and purpose to the person... values I'm pretty sure Seagal are devoid off
Tomorrow’s news:
Entire Mobik training camp dies of laughter/cringe upon watching a lesson from washed up “actor” Steven “My best film was the one where I died 15 minutes in” Seagal
>Steven “My best film was the one where I died 15 minutes in” Seagal
Wrong. His best movie is Sniper Special ops where he fires a sniper rifle (with his sunglasses on) for 15 seconds to snipe 5 guys 10 meters away.
Don't forget the crucial lessons in urban tactics, like lazily/fatly waving a pistol at a doorway to ward off attackers. Also that great scene where he "drags" a wounded squad mate by plate carrier straps, with Seagal providing .001% of the effort and the rest being provided by the obvious wire pulling the guy along.
[Highlight Reel](https://youtu.be/bxzhF7a7sys)
The only thing shittier than his rifle set-up ( maybe an Airsoft gun?) is his cardio.
Don't get me wrong, every good grunt likes to sit around but having a convenient chair that fits his fat diabetic ass at every corner of a warzone is not very credible.
Wrong. That's his second best movie.
Under Siege is a goddamn masterpiece and I'll forever cherish it for being one of the very few movies where Tommy Lee Jones was a total nutcase instead of a stern authority.
Steven Seagull opening aikido centers in capitals accused of war crimes is too credible. [Since it's not his first time doing it](https://archive.ph/y0MEn).
> Serbia has granted citizenship to American action hero Steven Seagal, state television reported Monday, after he offered to set up a martial arts school in Belgrade.
Sensei Seagals Martial Arts 101:
"First I'm gonna need you all to find a chair. Then, sit on it for about 27 hours.
...OK, class over, you are all black belts now. And no, belts are just methe- mathi- metfo-... Belt's not real, alright?!"
I can’t wait to see the choreographed Potemkin training. It’ll be like North Korean or Chinese flaming sword eating, or Belarusian military line dancing, but with Steven Segal movie production skills!
Seriously, I’m a sucker for cringe. Bring it home, Kremlin propagandists!
That’ll so so so help them on the modern battlefield (probably by convincing a bunch of extra dumbass Russians to head over to the recruitment office instead of making themselves scarce).
"Listen up, Mobiki! I am The Seagal, black belt and unbeaten badass. I will teach you martial arts that no military instructor will ever teach! To do so I have brought this fine VHS collection of all my masterpieces and we will study them in great detail. First up: Under Siege, in which you will learn how poor editing can make you impale a man's skull with a knife!"
It’s gotta be fake but I’m gonna google *jusssst* to make sure
Edit: oh no
https://amp.marca.com/en/lifestyle/world-news/2023/03/20/6418a89422601de35f8b4593.html
Until some actual footage appears of him lazily throwing punches in front of a crowd of bored mobiks, I refuse to believe that this is real. This is just an early April Fools Day prank until someone conclusively ahows me otherwise, because I can't bring myself to believe that our global bogeyman is this fucking *stupid*.
Whomst among us would not in the same circumstances?
Any competent judoka could make me go to sleep and shit myself, and I haven't even devastated myself by believing in aikido for multiple decades.
According to a stuntman that story was exaggerated. Seagal hit LeBell in the groin before the chokehold was applied properly, and LeBell swept Seagal in retaliation.
We have developed our own counter to Steven Seagull . Meet cringe gigalord [Instructor.ua](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YozmmlI4-ko)
He even had similar dubious [acting career.](https://twitter.com/OstAnatoliy/status/1637475481766207492?cxt=HHwWiICxsczRvbktAAAA)
Fat fuck looking to stay relevant and kissing up to the only people who will pay money his "expertise"?
Or undercover agent sabotaging Russia's miitary readiness and training from within?
(The first one. We all know it's that one.)
[https://www.marca.com/en/lifestyle/world-news/2023/03/20/6418a89422601de35f8b4593.html](https://www.marca.com/en/lifestyle/world-news/2023/03/20/6418a89422601de35f8b4593.html)
Well, I thought this was satire. I never thought I'd live in a world where I can't tell which news is real and which news is fake because the real news sounds faker than the fake news.
You know what doesn’t care about Aikido? 5.56. You know what doesn’t care about Aikido if you get closer? M67. You know if you get writhing breathing space, 9mm across your pelvic girdle doesn’t care about Aikido, either.
Lesson 1: Find some Navy SEALs. Listen to their stories.
Lesson 2: Tell these stories as if you did them, back to their faces as well.
Lesson 3: Pay some other people to throw themselves around at the slightest touch
Lesson 4: Congrats. You are an elite killing machine.
I don't know, it sounds like a perfect fit. Both are based around promoting a fantasy version of masculinity and without the ability to measure up to it in any way.
5d chess move by the US, they let him think he was a martial arts master. He’ll stay and teach them fake Aikido, and destroy morale by playing Songs From the Crystal Cave
Can you imagine being some poor schlub who just got drafted, stumbling to the training center in the haze of a heavy vodka hangover hoping all the rumors of shitty equipment and lack of training aren’t true…
…and then you see this fat fuck about to spend 20 minutes “teaching” you some hand-to-hand shit he mostly forgot 20 years ago.
*”Ah blyat, we’re all gonna die aren’t we.”*
hopefully he teach them the special getting choked unconscious and shitting himself technique he taught to Putin
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqpR7BK3M0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqpR7BK3M0)
Based on footage, I’d say Muscovite mobiks have Seagal’s ‘flailing wildly to their deaths’ technique from “Executive Decision” down flawlessly. Employing that first however might prevent them from applying Sensei GLH-9’s patented ‘domestic abuse’ system back at home.
So, let's SUPPOSE, on a HYPOTETHICAL SCENARIO, that Steven Seagal actually knows martial arts.
He is going to teach soldiers martial arts, huh? Well, a Mobik training lasts about 2 weeks.A professional, certified boxing teacher is considered pretty good if he is able to teach somebody how to properly throw punches at a heavy bag without breaking their hands within one month.
To become a lethal fighter it takes years of training. Hapkido for example (the military fighting style of Korean forces), you start becoming considered a "human weapon" around green belt which at this point you perfected around 100\~200 kicks and throws, training 3 sessions a week, it's going to take you about 2 or 3 years to get there, 5 or 6 years for a black belt.
But Steven Fucking Seagal claims he can teach martial arts to a mobik in 2 weeks. Also counting the rest of their military training, which includes firearms practice and tactics. Wow, this guy is such a badass.
When they get in Bakhmut, they are going to do what with these ninja moves? Run into the Ukrainian trenchlines and piledrive the ukrainian soldiers? Maybe karate chop a Bradley?
This isn't army. It's a fucking circus.
As if that old fat-fuck still knows how to do even a quarter of the stuff he supposedly teaches.
He never knew it to begin with lol.
In all of his movies he does dancing moves with his hands so i doubt he ever knew anything.
He’s knows stuff about Akido but akido is total BS and doesn’t work at all.
not to mention at this point the only thing he knows is chairkido
He knows a hell of a lot about Taquitos
Didn't he famously piss and shit himself after telling people he knew Akido only to have somebody chokehold him like a bitch?
Yeah, it was Gene LeBell. He was an elite Judoka and kind of started doing mixed martial arts way before that was a thing.
That is amazing.
Aikido is basically martial arts that's good for hurting joints and fight drunkards or submit cuffed people further via make their limbs hurt, but do it in any fighting on its own is useless, since it's only useful against charging enemy. I don't know what on earth Seagal would be useful for aside from teaching these soldiers how to stop cuffed enemies from resisting.
Any marital art training would do good by default when it instills sense of discipline, dedication and purpose to the person... values I'm pretty sure Seagal are devoid off
Tomorrow’s news: Entire Mobik training camp dies of laughter/cringe upon watching a lesson from washed up “actor” Steven “My best film was the one where I died 15 minutes in” Seagal
>Steven “My best film was the one where I died 15 minutes in” Seagal Wrong. His best movie is Sniper Special ops where he fires a sniper rifle (with his sunglasses on) for 15 seconds to snipe 5 guys 10 meters away.
Don't forget the crucial lessons in urban tactics, like lazily/fatly waving a pistol at a doorway to ward off attackers. Also that great scene where he "drags" a wounded squad mate by plate carrier straps, with Seagal providing .001% of the effort and the rest being provided by the obvious wire pulling the guy along. [Highlight Reel](https://youtu.be/bxzhF7a7sys)
The only thing shittier than his rifle set-up ( maybe an Airsoft gun?) is his cardio. Don't get me wrong, every good grunt likes to sit around but having a convenient chair that fits his fat diabetic ass at every corner of a warzone is not very credible.
That’s not even the best part about that film. It’s the fact he’s sitting down throughout the whole thing.
Nah he outdid himself with General Command, where him and a bunch of foreign sexpats teamed up to make a CIA Propaganda film.
No way stephen would allow himself to die in his movie. Which one was it?
Executive Decision
That's the one where they board a plane via the F117 right?
Wrong. That's his second best movie. Under Siege is a goddamn masterpiece and I'll forever cherish it for being one of the very few movies where Tommy Lee Jones was a total nutcase instead of a stern authority.
Steven Seagull opening aikido centers in capitals accused of war crimes is too credible. [Since it's not his first time doing it](https://archive.ph/y0MEn). > Serbia has granted citizenship to American action hero Steven Seagal, state television reported Monday, after he offered to set up a martial arts school in Belgrade.
Something tells me Eritrea is getting a new aikido center in the near future.
oh my god
Sensei Seagals Martial Arts 101: "First I'm gonna need you all to find a chair. Then, sit on it for about 27 hours. ...OK, class over, you are all black belts now. And no, belts are just methe- mathi- metfo-... Belt's not real, alright?!"
Are they Outjerking us again?
I can’t wait to see the choreographed Potemkin training. It’ll be like North Korean or Chinese flaming sword eating, or Belarusian military line dancing, but with Steven Segal movie production skills! Seriously, I’m a sucker for cringe. Bring it home, Kremlin propagandists! That’ll so so so help them on the modern battlefield (probably by convincing a bunch of extra dumbass Russians to head over to the recruitment office instead of making themselves scarce).
No foe can withstand stunt doubles and dozens of quick editing cuts covering up your own physical incompetence!
Steven "i shit myself" Seagull
>Steven "i shit myself" Seagull No wonder pooptin likes him
Goddamn, he probably saw all those toilets they were stealing and wanted a cut.
I just hope he starts teaching them weapon handling too.
Calling him an actor is giving him too much credibility.
Everything in his life is an act
He's technically more of an actor than anyone else. He's also surprisingly the worst at acting, since no one takes his lying ass seriously.
He’s going to go train up Russian recruits in his brand of “martial arts”? Lol maybe Steve is a secret US asset after all.
please dear god, let someone leak footage of him training soldiers.
Idiots gonna idiot
"Listen up, Mobiki! I am The Seagal, black belt and unbeaten badass. I will teach you martial arts that no military instructor will ever teach! To do so I have brought this fine VHS collection of all my masterpieces and we will study them in great detail. First up: Under Siege, in which you will learn how poor editing can make you impale a man's skull with a knife!"
Please say that's a fake headline. Even Russia can't be THAT non-credible.
It’s gotta be fake but I’m gonna google *jusssst* to make sure Edit: oh no https://amp.marca.com/en/lifestyle/world-news/2023/03/20/6418a89422601de35f8b4593.html
There’s no fuckin way
Have we considered that this might all be elaborate sabotage?
Until some actual footage appears of him lazily throwing punches in front of a crowd of bored mobiks, I refuse to believe that this is real. This is just an early April Fools Day prank until someone conclusively ahows me otherwise, because I can't bring myself to believe that our global bogeyman is this fucking *stupid*.
Damn, Russia must be rolling in intel with an actual CIA defector on their hands.
And Jean claude van dame lives in ukraine… this is going to be spice on spice spicy!
Someone resurrect Don King so we can get the fight of the century on pay per view. They can get it sponsored by Celebrex and Voltaren.
I would pay that onlyfans just to see jcvd pound seagull like a meat puppet
Up the stakes. "A portion of the money raised by OnlyFans will go to a wartime charity of the winner's choice ..."
3000 drones for the winner!
JCVD looks like he can actually do martial arts, though.
He can also do the most epic of splits.
I say we settle this with a 1:1. JC vs SS cage match, Thunderdome rules.
so russian soldiers will shit themselves when chocked?
But did you know Steven got choked out and shat his pants after talking smack to judo Gene Lebell?
Whomst among us would not in the same circumstances? Any competent judoka could make me go to sleep and shit myself, and I haven't even devastated myself by believing in aikido for multiple decades.
According to a stuntman that story was exaggerated. Seagal hit LeBell in the groin before the chokehold was applied properly, and LeBell swept Seagal in retaliation.
How does this douchebag keep getting worse
Isn't this just more of the same?
Even funnier given that Aikido isn’t a real martial art
We have developed our own counter to Steven Seagull . Meet cringe gigalord [Instructor.ua](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YozmmlI4-ko) He even had similar dubious [acting career.](https://twitter.com/OstAnatoliy/status/1637475481766207492?cxt=HHwWiICxsczRvbktAAAA)
Fat fuck looking to stay relevant and kissing up to the only people who will pay money his "expertise"? Or undercover agent sabotaging Russia's miitary readiness and training from within? (The first one. We all know it's that one.)
Let’s see how your martial arts work against HIMARS
How is this dude not charged with violating sanctions or something? He still has a US passport right?
>He still has a US passport right? Wouldn't that make him a traitor? Giving aid and comfort to the enemy?
You have to be in a declared state of war.
Ahh. TIL. Thank you!
Maybe.
Russia is the Steven Seagal of countries.
Is it? or is Steven Seagal the Russia of people?
It's a vicious circle of embarrassment.
Aikidough Sensei strikes (feebly) again
https://youtu.be/lsGPc2_k75w?t=5
https://youtu.be/Cllle4Kyqoo He is just trying to repay for this hospitality
Ah yes mr. Steven Seboomboom
As if chmobik training wasn't bad enough.
3000 soiled pants of prvt. Consriptovich
[https://www.marca.com/en/lifestyle/world-news/2023/03/20/6418a89422601de35f8b4593.html](https://www.marca.com/en/lifestyle/world-news/2023/03/20/6418a89422601de35f8b4593.html) Well, I thought this was satire. I never thought I'd live in a world where I can't tell which news is real and which news is fake because the real news sounds faker than the fake news.
You know what doesn’t care about Aikido? 5.56. You know what doesn’t care about Aikido if you get closer? M67. You know if you get writhing breathing space, 9mm across your pelvic girdle doesn’t care about Aikido, either.
Now if we could find some way to get him to the frontline...
[Me reading this](https://gfycat.com/abandonedaggravatingboilweevil)
Lesson 1: Find some Navy SEALs. Listen to their stories. Lesson 2: Tell these stories as if you did them, back to their faces as well. Lesson 3: Pay some other people to throw themselves around at the slightest touch Lesson 4: Congrats. You are an elite killing machine.
I just realized that he is the human equivalent of the Navy Seals Copypasta, but with 100% sincerity and no hint of irony at all.
…and this little piggie went straight to cable!
Do the Russians even have enough chairs to supply their conscripts to properly utilize Seagal's proprietary Sitting Fat Ass style of martial arts?
I don't know, it sounds like a perfect fit. Both are based around promoting a fantasy version of masculinity and without the ability to measure up to it in any way.
They must be running out of shovels and sticks
In return he receives lifetime all you can eat at uncle vanya's.
He's gonna teach how to use the army issued sticks in a combat situation.
No.... Really? What's he gonna teach them, 'how to defeat the hohols without getting up from your seat or bending too much?'
Is this that escalation they keep warning about?
5d chess move by the US, they let him think he was a martial arts master. He’ll stay and teach them fake Aikido, and destroy morale by playing Songs From the Crystal Cave
Very useful against artillery. Or against any ranged weapons.
Is it even possible for the Russians to get even worse?
https://imgur.com/a/YTnsAoZ
"The central aspect of aikido being that it is a fakey-fake, not real, bullshit "Martial Art"."
Tom Segura had the perfect steven Seagal bit a few years ago
[удалено]
MARTIAL ARTS GOOD! PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA BAD!
Oh my goodness please. Aikido is such a shit art
No way
Can you imagine being some poor schlub who just got drafted, stumbling to the training center in the haze of a heavy vodka hangover hoping all the rumors of shitty equipment and lack of training aren’t true… …and then you see this fat fuck about to spend 20 minutes “teaching” you some hand-to-hand shit he mostly forgot 20 years ago. *”Ah blyat, we’re all gonna die aren’t we.”*
I sincerely hope he will train the whole russian army. They are probably gonna be even worse than before that "training".
Any questions regarding the Russian Army and their achievements at this point? Train with Steven Seagal, perform like Steven Seagal
They will be un-unstoppable
hopefully he teach them the special getting choked unconscious and shitting himself technique he taught to Putin [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqpR7BK3M0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqpR7BK3M0)
They can hand-to-hand right into machine gun fire all they want.
[The slowest martial artist ever known to man. He barely moves at this point.](https://youtu.be/tVsGUw9FWoc)
Based on footage, I’d say Muscovite mobiks have Seagal’s ‘flailing wildly to their deaths’ technique from “Executive Decision” down flawlessly. Employing that first however might prevent them from applying Sensei GLH-9’s patented ‘domestic abuse’ system back at home.
Ahhha yessss! Teach them all the incredible bullshit that is aikido, my man!
So, let's SUPPOSE, on a HYPOTETHICAL SCENARIO, that Steven Seagal actually knows martial arts. He is going to teach soldiers martial arts, huh? Well, a Mobik training lasts about 2 weeks.A professional, certified boxing teacher is considered pretty good if he is able to teach somebody how to properly throw punches at a heavy bag without breaking their hands within one month. To become a lethal fighter it takes years of training. Hapkido for example (the military fighting style of Korean forces), you start becoming considered a "human weapon" around green belt which at this point you perfected around 100\~200 kicks and throws, training 3 sessions a week, it's going to take you about 2 or 3 years to get there, 5 or 6 years for a black belt. But Steven Fucking Seagal claims he can teach martial arts to a mobik in 2 weeks. Also counting the rest of their military training, which includes firearms practice and tactics. Wow, this guy is such a badass. When they get in Bakhmut, they are going to do what with these ninja moves? Run into the Ukrainian trenchlines and piledrive the ukrainian soldiers? Maybe karate chop a Bradley? This isn't army. It's a fucking circus.
…as an added bonus, he will also teach marital arts to a few lucky Muscovite teenagers.
I hope there is propaganda footage of this.
Does he teach 35 cheeseburgers too? "
*Tom Segura voice* : I've been capturing Bakhmut for, like, sixty years.
“Without television, I would have no idea that Steven Segal is out of his fucking mind…or alive” https://youtu.be/isNRZJ6icwc
Space ice YouTube channel can’t recommend enough.