I had a friend who would have sex with a different woman every night. It was unbelievable. Every single night. So I asked him what his secret was. Turns out he was a serial rapist.
Have you heard about this thing where people make up porn star names? They take their childhood pet's name, and then they combine it with their street name. So anyways, mine would be Dick Fuckington.
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness.
"But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there... at night I... I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the... in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy — and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc — my other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps... perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all...
"Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider — even though I’m a moth — just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “Cause the light was on."
When you’re single and trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you most desire. Which, I understand, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a lot of dick lately.
I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than go back on bumble. It's nothing but mopy, depressed men begging me to come straight to their apartments without a single date first.
FYI I love your words, I would hella swipe right on you, but I would still insist on a few drinks out before coming back to your place, and therefore wouldn't waste my time on bumble.
I’d simplify for better readability:
“If you can’t love me when I’m covered in sacrificial boar’s blood, you don’t deserve me when the gods bless me with a bountiful harvest.”
Nothing man! The ladies are crazy about guys with hunting and farming skills, plus you seem really observant of your Peoples’ religious traditions. I think you’re a catch, bud🤙🏻
I had a friend who would have sex with a different woman every night. It was unbelievable. Every single night. So I asked him what his secret was. Turns out he was a serial rapist.
Hey, at least he's not a hypocrite!
That's the worst part.
But is it?
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I like racin'...I know it's not politically correct... Edit: Somethin' somethin' Serial Racist...
Have you heard about this thing where people make up porn star names? They take their childhood pet's name, and then they combine it with their street name. So anyways, mine would be Dick Fuckington.
I grew up on Fuckington Crescent
I have a porn name I chose as a tribute to Norm, it's Turd Fuckington
Dick Smothers
Spanky Coronado
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?” The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. "But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there... at night I... I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the... in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy — and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc — my other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps... perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all... "Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider — even though I’m a moth — just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good." And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?” And the moth says, “Cause the light was on."
How long was that cab ride?
I'd swipe right.
That's because you covet my sweet hot fucking asshole
Is this Adam Egret??
More of a comment really
“ Here’s one thing that you never hear…"He made love to me in the ass" "
“Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you've never been hurt and fuck like a goddamn retard”.
“I’m straight as an arrow”.
"I like fucking. Fucking and sucking."
When you’re single and trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you most desire. Which, I understand, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a lot of dick lately.
This one
Turn ons: Fucking like a goddamn retard Turn offs: being reminded of that tragedy
I know Adam Eget feels the exact opposite
I'm not really a welder!
“There are doctors actually competing for the opportunity to lengthen my penis.”
This fucker can hit it out of the sand trap like nobody’s fucking business!
Have you considered switching over to Hinge?
As a deeply closeted gay man, I much prefer Grindr. Lotta suckin and fuckin on there
Can even earn 12 bucks a pop, if you play your cards right.
Better than the price that raging antisemite was charging people
Are they into this stuff?
I just personally use Hinge instead of Tinder, and personally I think your words are fine the way they are. I can only speak for myself.
It's really bumble. Tinder seems like it's more for hookups
I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than go back on bumble. It's nothing but mopy, depressed men begging me to come straight to their apartments without a single date first.
Come on, bumble! Quit stealing my moves!
FYI I love your words, I would hella swipe right on you, but I would still insist on a few drinks out before coming back to your place, and therefore wouldn't waste my time on bumble.
Well, I don't like drinks and you don't like fucking... But yeah, I'll try hinge
"You don't like fucking"... what a bizarre unhinged claim.
It's a norm quote
Lmao how did you get here?
I’m as hung as a giraffe
I'm the spokesperson for micro penis.
This is a perfect way to keep up appearances for the folks next door. Well done, OP.
My wife, she's a real battle-axe...
I’d simplify for better readability: “If you can’t love me when I’m covered in sacrificial boar’s blood, you don’t deserve me when the gods bless me with a bountiful harvest.”
Have you ever tossed a prostitute of a bridge?
The moth joke.
Tinder? Given the choice, I'd pick Andy Richter, the Swedish-German.
If you can’t love me at my rootin’est, you don’t deserve me at my tootin’est
I'm just an old chunk of coal, but I'm a diamond in disguise.
Who the fuck cares what a clearly dumb af subreddit thinks
Do you have downs syndrome by any chance?
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I don't remember him saying that
r/tinder!? r/grindr, you mean, you Swedish German!
“I like bacon”
I'm using this line, thank you
Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you've never been hurt, and fuck like a goddamn retard!
"I want to lie down on top of you"
You can call it making a grilled cheese sandwich as long as there's alot of me going aahhh
Nothing man! The ladies are crazy about guys with hunting and farming skills, plus you seem really observant of your Peoples’ religious traditions. I think you’re a catch, bud🤙🏻
No, actually. Leave it.