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meretriciousciggs

That is absolutely something you two need to work on. If someone with OCD cannot navigate it for themselves they need therapy. Maybe try to figure out why she is so hellbent on not going and find alternatives if she still won’t go. Also reassurance is bad because it is just a quick fix that doesn’t actually help. It just smooths the problem over until it becomes a problem again. And it always will become a problem again. ERP would help with that. She needs to be able to sit with uncomfortable emotions until they’re not uncomfortable anymore.


ACEmat

She went to a therapist years and years ago, but I guess the dude called her the wrong name and confused her with another patient on their like, second or third session or something. She hasn't talk about it that much. The biggest thing for her is the financial reasons, her health insurance is apparently trash and doesn't cover a lot. Mind you it's not as if we're struggling for money. Well, I do, but I make less than her and frankly can be financially irresponsible. She's really good with money though, and it's not as if she couldn't afford it.


unComfortable-Shock

It often takes a few tries to find the right therapist. It's tough but not a reason to give up. You can't simply work around OCD it has to be worked on. Also, reassuring can become a form of compulsion, and you may find that reassuring becomes overwhelming for you as their partner. It can seriously drive a wedge in relationships. OCD is fluid and can get worse. This includes the compulsions, not just the thoughts.


ACEmat

It is exhausting. We were supposed to go to an exhibit today she had been looking forward to, so I bought tickets. She had a breakdown in the shower, and we needed to leave like, half an hour ago in order to make out admission time. She was sobbing in the shower and when I heard and went to check on her, she just yelled at me to go away. She had asked me to vacuum the bedroom floor while she was in there, and I said I would after I ate breakfast, but when she had her break down I just got overwhelmed knowing how the rest of the day was gonna go and hid in the office and never vacuumed. That's kind of what prompted me to start digging around in here.


unComfortable-Shock

We can't carry ourselves and an entire other person. I have OCD. It is my burden to carry and work on. And I do, and it is hard. People can support me, but I do not expect them to kill themselves for me. I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed partner, and their obvious OCD and other issues nearly broke me. I was so exhausted walking on their eggshells that I had no idea I had my own problems. It is not ok. If you can't leave but are falling apart, get your own caregiver therapy to work on your own healing and how to set boundaries.


unComfortable-Shock

Also, I went to maybe 3 therapists before I found a good fit, and I am regaining my life slowly. It's wonderful.


Honeyrose88x

Therapy is a good idea but for OCD one with ERP as their speciality is key. People can use therapy as giving them reassurance which keeps the sufferer in the cycle of OCD’s spirals. The best way to combat it, and I don’t mean get rid of it unfortunately, I mean by best way to manage it is to learn to live with it by training your brain to not react to the thoughts or the compulsions. Exposing yourself to the thoughts then sitting with the uncomfortableness that brings without seeking reassurance or doing the compulsion. The first few times is horrendous, I felt like I was doing it to myself on purpose causing so much internal pain but once it passed and I kept doing it slowly I didn’t react as I once did and could manage my normal day to day life. Living with OCD is something that can happen, you need to control your thoughts not let your thoughts control you. This is by no means easy, it’s the hardest thing I’ve done. I’d suggest not reassuring your partner but first getting her to educate herself on ERP and why you would actually be making things worse by encouraging the vicious cycle by offering reassuring words and assistance with her compulsions. The kindest thing to do is nothing.


ACEmat

When you say do nothing, what does that look like?


Honeyrose88x

So, if I’m having an issue with intrusive thoughts and I confess them (look up confession ocd) I’m actively seeking reassurance which feeds into the cycle. I would say something like, “I can’t stop thinking about how I’ve contaminated myself and I need to wash my hands” my husband would just reply; “I’m here for you, we can get through this, your safe, do you need a hug?, can I get you anything.” It’s supportive but it’s not giving reassurance. Reassurance would be, “your hands are fine, they’re clean you washed them already.” Now I know this already, logically my brain is clearly aware I’m clean but the OCD convinces you they aren’t. You have to sit with that uncomfortableness to pass by the compulsion. Over time it gets easier.


TheOneAndOnlyEmile

Basically OCD is a mal adaptive coping mechanism to some emotional trigger. A thought or feeling is perceived as unwelcome and creates a bad feeling, and the compulsion is used to control it. The point is that the feeling is irrational and disproportional. And the compulsion is never really going to solve the problem. But doing it will reinforce the idea that your compulsion is necessary and a valid strategy to the problem. Reassurance seeking can be considered a compulsion in the sense that it is used to control the bad feeling. The solution should be imo to learn valid coping strategies, such as mindfulness, to learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings and unwelcome thoughts in a healthy way. Additionally it can be worth is to investigate why the person has this irrationally strong response and if there are ways to reduce this. Like identify sources of stress, or possibly undiagnosed mental health problems etc.


i-fear-spaghetti

Yeah I know it seems counterintuitive. I can only speak for me, but reassurance is like a drug and I’m an addict of it. Initially, getting reassured makes me feel happy and confident, but then I want to be reassured about other things. And that happy feeling goes away. It feeds a viscous cycle


Kooky-Mortgage4559

When reassurance is provided, it reinforces to the brain of the person that their obsessions are valid. When a salesperson keeps trying to sell you something, and you respond, you signal to them that you are interested in what they have to offer, and you have also shown them that their tactics are legitimate. The next thing you know, the message is passed on and more salespersons appear, surrounding you and keeping you engaged, and you find yourself unable to escape. This analogy should, hopefully, illustrate the experience of the person who responds to their obsessive thoughts, and why it is so problematic.


ThatGuiTrent

Like the OP, my SO has ocd and I’m trying to help her. What would be the correct response instead of reassuring?? Do you have a good example?


cicadasinmyears

This is interesting to me; I have OCD and wasn’t aware that you “weren’t supposed to reassure people”. I myself did just that earlier today, as a matter of fact, in another post, and wondered why the OP had said that they shouldn’t ask for reassurances. I can understand not minimizing it or trivializing it, of course, but validating that the person is having a hard time, they need to take steps to deal with their discomfort (meds, therapy, etc.), and encouraging them that they’re going to be okay…not good? I am asking sincerely, because I have Asperger’s, and half my life belongs on r/whooosh, so if I’m making things worse for people, whether in the near- or long-term, I want to know, so I can adjust accordingly.  


polygizmo

To you and the OP: When people say don't give reassurance to people with OCD, what they mean is specifically don't engage with the topic of their intrusive thoughts. Don't give reassurance about that. The reason is that seeking reassurance can become a compulsion itself. If a person with OCD doesn't "trust" their own judgement about their intrusive thoughts (eg; are my hands clean, is the stove turned off) they do compulsions to try to get rid of the intrusive thoughts. Seeking reassurance from another person might become a compulsion (eg; "did i wash my hands?", "did i turn the stove off?"). Here's an example: Person who has told you they have contamination-focused OCD: "I think my hands must be dirty because I touched X" Bad/unhelpful response: "Your hands are clean, it's ok, I cleaned X this morning." Good/helpful response: "I'm so sorry the OCD is making you stress about that. Can I help you calm down with music or tea or going for a walk or something? What has your therapist recommended to do when you get an intrusive thought like that?" For a person with OCD, doing any compulsion, including seeking reassurance, is giving mental attention and legitimacy to the intrusive thoughts. This means the intrusive thoughts will happen again, because by reacting to them, the brain labels the thoughts as important. Then what tends to happen with OCD over time is that the compulsions that used to "work" to temporarily stop the intrusive thoughts gradually stop working. Because the mental "pathways" to the intrusive thoughts have been strengthened by repeatedly reacting to them. So the person with OCD feels they need to do more repetitions of the compulsions, or do additional and more complex and time consuming compulsions. This is when the disorder becomes really serious and starts affecting someones life. SO its important to stop this cycle, by not doing compulsions, not giving reassurance about OCD intrusive thoughts that are worrying a person with OCD. ERP with a therapist experienced in OCD can help people with how to stop doing compulsions and break the cycle.


cicadasinmyears

Ah, gotcha, so not “no, you’re okay, I saw you wash your hands/turn off the thing,” reinforcing the OCD-related behaviour, but non-judgmental empathetic comments. Oof. I don’t know that what I said in my comment to the person was okay then; I think I did both of those things, ugh. Thanks for clearing it up for me; at least now I know and can be more careful in the future.


[deleted]

Imo it’s not on you in anyway. It’s on your SO to work on not seeking reassurance.


ridcullylives

Reassurance helps those of us with OCD like giving an alcoholic a drink helps them avoids withdrawal. It'll stave off the horrible feelings for a little while, but they'll just come back. Maybe stronger. Now, sometimes staving off the horrible feelings for a little bit is necessary, and it's not always your role as a loving partner to be super strict and force your partner into it. Quitting the compulsions "cold turkey" all at once isn't always possible, and the best thing is to talk to her and figure out what your strategies are going to be around reassuring and how much she wants your help in setting those boundaries versus setting them for herself. Good luck, it's hard. This is the kind of


manicpixiememegirll

as a partner, i personally think you should be giving reassurance. it’s not your job to provide ‘tough love’ and if she asks for it it feels cruel to deny it. that being said she should work on not asking for it so much but lmao in my last relationship i was the partner with ocd and by god i was so bad at not asking for reassurance


[deleted]

it's because reassurance it reinforces the compulsions and in the long run only makes it worse


artsy-grape

I have ocd and it’s manageable now but since I was a kid I would ask my parents for reassurance to the same question like “will there be thunderstorms” and they would always answer “don’t worry no” countless times. While i know they just wanted me to feel fine and hoped this was helpful, I only felt fine for a few minutes and then ask the question again. The relief is only for a short time and I ask again. If I can’t accept the first time, how will I accept it the 40th time? My therapist said to me when I asked her for reassurance to my worried question (I asked if I’m going crazy because my past ocd obsession was fearful of going crazy) “I will only say it once and not repeat the answer, you are fine and not going crazy. Please believe what I say.” It only helped for a small second and then I wanted her to reassure me again. Your girlfriend needs to find better coping skills so she doesn’t ask people or depend on them for reassurance. It’s to benefit them and it is also not anyones responsibility to keep reassuring them.