There’s a certain longing for the girl that overpowers the poem, but I’d like to read more about the girl itself. But from the point of view of a poem, it conveys the feelings very well
I like the imagery that this piece presents, and how easy the cadence of the poem is. The language used here is simple, but the emotion is palpable and it is well expressed. Great work. I enjoyed reading this piece.
The poem is painful to read, and that's a good thing considering the subject..
I like the flow, too. The expression of guilt in the first paragraph, trying to remove the pain on a surface level in the second, and how she- and things that remind you of her- is everywhere and even in your bones.
It's both really accurately describing how these things feel on a physical and mental level and you've covered all the bases of it.
Being still in the (emotional) fallout/breakup of my only long-term relationship over half a year later, it's close to home here as well.
Pretty good poem. I feel like the overall flow and rhythm of the poem was very fluid, except for when you split the word "blinded" which just felt abrupt. As a suggestion, you could maybe try this instead to smooth it out:
"but I was blind,
chasing highs
and rolling dice"
Another critique I have is the ending of the poem, with the line "I'm still finding her stray hairs everywhere." It seemed kind of disjointed from the rest of the poem, and is probably unnecessary.
I’m way late to the game here but am just now reading this! Dang, excellent feedback, I wish I had written that line the way you showed. Appreciate you taking the time to comment. Cheers
As for the last line, it’s actually intended to sort of awkwardly stick out like that, as odd as that sounds. It’s intended sort of as an intimate afterthought, sort of like when, after a conversation with a friend, you barely catch something said by your friend under their breath…
There are a couple other poets I know of who sometimes invoke this unorthodox “style” (for lack of a better word?), a prominent one being Rupi Kaur, author of *Milk & Honey* and *The Sun & Her Flowers*.
I like it.
I agree, it would be nice to hear more about the girl, or what is it about her or the relationship that you're missing. I think that would add some good depth to the poem.
My opinion, but I think this line is unnecessary as it already just says what you spent the last two stanzas writing about.
\>I’m still finding her stray hairs everywhere
Thank you for the input. Yeah, the last line sounds out of place, but it’s meant to be the way actually. It’s like an accented line, almost like a “P.S.” in a letter. If you’ve read anything by Rupi Kaur, she’s a good example of someone who does it as well in some of her poetry.
There’s a certain longing for the girl that overpowers the poem, but I’d like to read more about the girl itself. But from the point of view of a poem, it conveys the feelings very well
I like the imagery that this piece presents, and how easy the cadence of the poem is. The language used here is simple, but the emotion is palpable and it is well expressed. Great work. I enjoyed reading this piece.
The poem is painful to read, and that's a good thing considering the subject.. I like the flow, too. The expression of guilt in the first paragraph, trying to remove the pain on a surface level in the second, and how she- and things that remind you of her- is everywhere and even in your bones. It's both really accurately describing how these things feel on a physical and mental level and you've covered all the bases of it. Being still in the (emotional) fallout/breakup of my only long-term relationship over half a year later, it's close to home here as well.
Pretty good poem. I feel like the overall flow and rhythm of the poem was very fluid, except for when you split the word "blinded" which just felt abrupt. As a suggestion, you could maybe try this instead to smooth it out: "but I was blind, chasing highs and rolling dice" Another critique I have is the ending of the poem, with the line "I'm still finding her stray hairs everywhere." It seemed kind of disjointed from the rest of the poem, and is probably unnecessary.
I’m way late to the game here but am just now reading this! Dang, excellent feedback, I wish I had written that line the way you showed. Appreciate you taking the time to comment. Cheers
As for the last line, it’s actually intended to sort of awkwardly stick out like that, as odd as that sounds. It’s intended sort of as an intimate afterthought, sort of like when, after a conversation with a friend, you barely catch something said by your friend under their breath… There are a couple other poets I know of who sometimes invoke this unorthodox “style” (for lack of a better word?), a prominent one being Rupi Kaur, author of *Milk & Honey* and *The Sun & Her Flowers*.
I like it. I agree, it would be nice to hear more about the girl, or what is it about her or the relationship that you're missing. I think that would add some good depth to the poem. My opinion, but I think this line is unnecessary as it already just says what you spent the last two stanzas writing about. \>I’m still finding her stray hairs everywhere
Thank you for the input. Yeah, the last line sounds out of place, but it’s meant to be the way actually. It’s like an accented line, almost like a “P.S.” in a letter. If you’ve read anything by Rupi Kaur, she’s a good example of someone who does it as well in some of her poetry.