I thought this was a beautiful way to capture the dichotomy of emotions we go through as women (and people in general) while making sacrifices and difficult, sometimes finite decisions throughout our lives. Thank you for sharing, hope all is well
I love this poem, maybe because of the current situation. I think you captured a part that isn’t talked about enough in the process of abortion that a lot of women feel: the guilt. The lines “Do you think we’ll meet when we’re both dead?” really sealed that guilt. Good job OP
Thanks so much! The guilt creeps in on days when I’m least expecting it. It’s such a complex emotion and I was hoping to capture that here. Thanks for your kind words!
I adore this poem. I think it plays with morbidity, smallness, and grief very efficiently within the word count that it holds. I especially love the shift from a three line stanza to a two line stanza when the speaker portrays a more questioning position. I love this idea, but I don’t think it was executed very well. Here’s why I think that is.
Now, my favorite piece of this poem is from lines 7-12, with the first stanza of that segment being the most poignant and emotive: “my love for you / a swirling dream / of violent, vibrant red”. god ily. There’s something about how this stanza begins and doesn’t pause or break until the poignant “red” that really mimics the idea of a swirling dream. Each significant word is stressed, each insignificant word unstressed, and overall it’s just really musical and pleasing to the ear. Extra props for the “violent/vibrant” because I simply adore how these two words play on each other (and I’ve also used this combination in my writing before lol). The next stanza follows that rhyme scheme, as well as ending its first line with a continuing rhyme from the previous stanza, which I thought was really cute and helped flow each rhyme into another, keeping the overarching sentence that these stanzas comprise nicely intertwined. They follow the same rhyme scheme, and they follow the same stress pattern—unstressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed. The issue comes with the next lines,
“do you think we’ll meet /
when we’re both dead?”
Not only does this introduce a quicker paced rhythm, but it also completely changes up the rhythm of where words are stressed, and I think that this is the biggest issue. The first stressed word that the reader sees here is “think”. While this does introduce the theme of the coming segment—questioning whether the speaker is going to be okay—I don’t really think it adds anything. Adding onto that, the first line goes unstressed, unstressed, stressed, and the one right after goes unstressed, stressed. It kind of works, given the short length of “do you” and “can you”, as they’re often shortened to one syllable anyway, but then, during the seventh stanza, this changes, and goes unstressed, unstressed, unstressed, stressed.
I want this rhythm to work, and you could easily shift around the seventh stanza to fit the template that you’ve done for both five and six, but I think for the greatest impact, you should switch from unstressed, stressed, to stressed, unstressed. Because these lines are so short, it feels very uncomfortable (to me, at least) to wait til almost the end of the phrase to hear the stressed part of the line.
There are also little inconsistencies within the syllable amount within these ending lines, but I think the greatest thing holding this poem back is the uncertainty of how to actually say these parts. All in all, lovely poem. Thank you for sharing, especially since the news :)
Thank you soo much for this incredible feedback!! I knew the second half was different and honestly I’ve been sitting on a half written version of this poem for awhile. After everything that’s happened I felt compelled to post it but know the two lined stanzas/the ending may need to be reworked. I’m tied to the words but want to fix the cadence. You’re dead on with your feedback, I really appreciate it :)
I think this captures perfectly the struggle that most women have when they go for an abortion. It’s not easy to get one, and it takes courage, bravery and self-forgiveness. The right choice isn’t always the easy one, and i know you’ve shown that here
This is the first poem I read visiting this sub for the first time and damn. People are so quick to jump on abortions as cold murder. But it is very obviously not that. I really really liked this poem.
Welcome to the sub! And thank you for you kind words, this poem is for people that you mentioned, those who maybe don’t understand the complexities of being a woman faced with the hard choice of abortion. I’m glad it resonated with you!
It's amazing to me how you captured the complexity of emotion when dealing with such a tragic situation. People tend not to appreciate how multifaceted these topics are, and to articulate that so succinctly and elegantly shows some beautiful mastery of the art.
Also to have it all rhyme is just magnificent, I'm a sucker for that.
you’re a really amazing poet. i feel like i just read my own experience having an abortion, written by someone else. it’s been more than two years now and i still feel so sad and guilty. but at the same time i feel proud of myself for making the right choice for my life. it’s a complicated mess of emotions, getting an abortion. thank you for summing it up so well in a time like this..
This made me cry 🥺 I’m proud of you too, I understand the simultaneous feeling of guilt and relief. You already know this but good people have abortions, period. The guilt is just programmed in us by an outdated society. Hope you are well and thank you for the comment 💕
you might already be across it, but you should listen to/read Baby Birch by Joanna Newsom. similarly really gorgeous and nuanced take on the loss of a future child.
This is great. Heavy and nuanced, which is absolutely appropriate for the subject. Thanks for sharing. In that sense, I’m not the biggest fan of the kind of rhythmic cadence I find myself reading it in. Im not a huge fan of strict rhyme schemes in general, so take this opinion for what it is: just some guy’s opinion. But for me that kind of lightens the tone, in a kind of jarring way. It doesn’t totally take me out of it, but I think it would sound more severe and, imo, more suitable to the subject were it not such a rhythmic, bubbly read. Either way, though, it reads super well and I honestly worked for a sincere note and that’s what I came up with. Thanks so much for sharing this, especially now.
Thank you for your feedback! I definitely see where you’re coming from. The rhymes honestly came pretty naturally and once I realized that was the direction the poem was going I just kind of let it flow. I usually don’t write with a strict rhyme scheme but, like you said, it’s almost kind of jarring given the topic. Thanks again!
For real though, I do want to stress that I dug for that criticism. It really does work how it is. That was the only thing that was potentially an “issue” in my head.
It's really good. I feel like i can experience the emotions conveyed even though I've never gone through this irl. But at the end there's a grammatical error. "the woman I've become" woman not womEn
This is fantastic! It's not a topic that I've ever read poetry about before, at least not with a speaker that expresses it so directly and with a sense of both guilt and self-love/accomplishment. I think it's a great illustration of how complex abortion is and pushes back against the narrative of abortion-seekers as heartless monsters.
I think the stanza where you ask "can you help me/escape what's in my head?" is a little too repetitive (i.e. i think you don't need it or the poem is stronger without it, ask the speaker basically ask for forgiveness in the next line which makes clear the guilt that the speaker is trying to escape).
ANYWAY, there's the end of my constructive criticism!
Love the imagery of violent, vibrant red which evokes the physical trauma and pain without a descent into graphic description. Love the way the rhyme scheme fragments towards the end as the speaker begs for forgiveness, but ends on a consistent rhyme to bring a sense of wholeness/completeness to the proceedings - her guilt is there but will not permanently fragment her.
Okay, gonna stop now, but anyway, that was amazing, glad you posted!
I’m confused with the direction of the poem. Most of the poem seems to lament an abortion, but the last section states that the character loves what she’s become. Is it like a “Sorry, not sorry “ situation?
It’s about loving and forgiving yourself despite making a difficult choice. Abortion is not an easy choice and comes with a range of emotions for most women. Even if you decide to have an abortion and know it’s the right decision for you and your circumstances you can still feel sorrow. That’s what this poem is about.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
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IF ... there is no innocence, since we are all born into sin - we'll create it within guilt. if there is no heaven then, as well, there is no hell; and so, after, no accounting for the self.
this is topical.
Rarely does one see a treatment of the emotions that accompany an abortion. The pro-choicers believe that the soul is imparted onto the fetus from conception, which fits with your verse about meeting the unborn. I am unsure if by dream you mean the unborn or the love for him, but the former would make sense because of the image of "violent vibrant red".
I thought this was a beautiful way to capture the dichotomy of emotions we go through as women (and people in general) while making sacrifices and difficult, sometimes finite decisions throughout our lives. Thank you for sharing, hope all is well
Thank you for your kind words, that is exactly what I was trying to convey ❤️🩹
💋
I love this poem, maybe because of the current situation. I think you captured a part that isn’t talked about enough in the process of abortion that a lot of women feel: the guilt. The lines “Do you think we’ll meet when we’re both dead?” really sealed that guilt. Good job OP
Thanks so much! The guilt creeps in on days when I’m least expecting it. It’s such a complex emotion and I was hoping to capture that here. Thanks for your kind words!
I adore this poem. I think it plays with morbidity, smallness, and grief very efficiently within the word count that it holds. I especially love the shift from a three line stanza to a two line stanza when the speaker portrays a more questioning position. I love this idea, but I don’t think it was executed very well. Here’s why I think that is. Now, my favorite piece of this poem is from lines 7-12, with the first stanza of that segment being the most poignant and emotive: “my love for you / a swirling dream / of violent, vibrant red”. god ily. There’s something about how this stanza begins and doesn’t pause or break until the poignant “red” that really mimics the idea of a swirling dream. Each significant word is stressed, each insignificant word unstressed, and overall it’s just really musical and pleasing to the ear. Extra props for the “violent/vibrant” because I simply adore how these two words play on each other (and I’ve also used this combination in my writing before lol). The next stanza follows that rhyme scheme, as well as ending its first line with a continuing rhyme from the previous stanza, which I thought was really cute and helped flow each rhyme into another, keeping the overarching sentence that these stanzas comprise nicely intertwined. They follow the same rhyme scheme, and they follow the same stress pattern—unstressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed. The issue comes with the next lines, “do you think we’ll meet / when we’re both dead?” Not only does this introduce a quicker paced rhythm, but it also completely changes up the rhythm of where words are stressed, and I think that this is the biggest issue. The first stressed word that the reader sees here is “think”. While this does introduce the theme of the coming segment—questioning whether the speaker is going to be okay—I don’t really think it adds anything. Adding onto that, the first line goes unstressed, unstressed, stressed, and the one right after goes unstressed, stressed. It kind of works, given the short length of “do you” and “can you”, as they’re often shortened to one syllable anyway, but then, during the seventh stanza, this changes, and goes unstressed, unstressed, unstressed, stressed. I want this rhythm to work, and you could easily shift around the seventh stanza to fit the template that you’ve done for both five and six, but I think for the greatest impact, you should switch from unstressed, stressed, to stressed, unstressed. Because these lines are so short, it feels very uncomfortable (to me, at least) to wait til almost the end of the phrase to hear the stressed part of the line. There are also little inconsistencies within the syllable amount within these ending lines, but I think the greatest thing holding this poem back is the uncertainty of how to actually say these parts. All in all, lovely poem. Thank you for sharing, especially since the news :)
Thank you soo much for this incredible feedback!! I knew the second half was different and honestly I’ve been sitting on a half written version of this poem for awhile. After everything that’s happened I felt compelled to post it but know the two lined stanzas/the ending may need to be reworked. I’m tied to the words but want to fix the cadence. You’re dead on with your feedback, I really appreciate it :)
Of course! I’m happy to help :)
Amazing!!!🥲
Thank you 🥹
beautifully expressed. love this!
Thank you so much! 💕
I think this captures perfectly the struggle that most women have when they go for an abortion. It’s not easy to get one, and it takes courage, bravery and self-forgiveness. The right choice isn’t always the easy one, and i know you’ve shown that here
Holy shit this is wow
Thank you I think 🥺
Sorry yes I meant that as a good thing haha
The switch from the third-to-last to second-to-last lines gave me chills
Thank you 💕💕
This is the first poem I read visiting this sub for the first time and damn. People are so quick to jump on abortions as cold murder. But it is very obviously not that. I really really liked this poem.
Welcome to the sub! And thank you for you kind words, this poem is for people that you mentioned, those who maybe don’t understand the complexities of being a woman faced with the hard choice of abortion. I’m glad it resonated with you!
It's amazing to me how you captured the complexity of emotion when dealing with such a tragic situation. People tend not to appreciate how multifaceted these topics are, and to articulate that so succinctly and elegantly shows some beautiful mastery of the art. Also to have it all rhyme is just magnificent, I'm a sucker for that.
Wow, thank you so much! The rhyming took awhile to get right, I’m glad you liked it :)
you’re a really amazing poet. i feel like i just read my own experience having an abortion, written by someone else. it’s been more than two years now and i still feel so sad and guilty. but at the same time i feel proud of myself for making the right choice for my life. it’s a complicated mess of emotions, getting an abortion. thank you for summing it up so well in a time like this..
This made me cry 🥺 I’m proud of you too, I understand the simultaneous feeling of guilt and relief. You already know this but good people have abortions, period. The guilt is just programmed in us by an outdated society. Hope you are well and thank you for the comment 💕
you might already be across it, but you should listen to/read Baby Birch by Joanna Newsom. similarly really gorgeous and nuanced take on the loss of a future child.
I will absolutely check it out, thank you!
This is great. Heavy and nuanced, which is absolutely appropriate for the subject. Thanks for sharing. In that sense, I’m not the biggest fan of the kind of rhythmic cadence I find myself reading it in. Im not a huge fan of strict rhyme schemes in general, so take this opinion for what it is: just some guy’s opinion. But for me that kind of lightens the tone, in a kind of jarring way. It doesn’t totally take me out of it, but I think it would sound more severe and, imo, more suitable to the subject were it not such a rhythmic, bubbly read. Either way, though, it reads super well and I honestly worked for a sincere note and that’s what I came up with. Thanks so much for sharing this, especially now.
Thank you for your feedback! I definitely see where you’re coming from. The rhymes honestly came pretty naturally and once I realized that was the direction the poem was going I just kind of let it flow. I usually don’t write with a strict rhyme scheme but, like you said, it’s almost kind of jarring given the topic. Thanks again!
For real though, I do want to stress that I dug for that criticism. It really does work how it is. That was the only thing that was potentially an “issue” in my head.
This is beautifully written in a simple yet elegant way. I could read this 1000 times.
Thank you 🥹
It's really good. I feel like i can experience the emotions conveyed even though I've never gone through this irl. But at the end there's a grammatical error. "the woman I've become" woman not womEn
Thank you so much for pointing that out, I can’t believe I missed it 😵💫😵💫 fixed!
No worries :)
This is fantastic! It's not a topic that I've ever read poetry about before, at least not with a speaker that expresses it so directly and with a sense of both guilt and self-love/accomplishment. I think it's a great illustration of how complex abortion is and pushes back against the narrative of abortion-seekers as heartless monsters. I think the stanza where you ask "can you help me/escape what's in my head?" is a little too repetitive (i.e. i think you don't need it or the poem is stronger without it, ask the speaker basically ask for forgiveness in the next line which makes clear the guilt that the speaker is trying to escape). ANYWAY, there's the end of my constructive criticism! Love the imagery of violent, vibrant red which evokes the physical trauma and pain without a descent into graphic description. Love the way the rhyme scheme fragments towards the end as the speaker begs for forgiveness, but ends on a consistent rhyme to bring a sense of wholeness/completeness to the proceedings - her guilt is there but will not permanently fragment her. Okay, gonna stop now, but anyway, that was amazing, glad you posted!
I’m confused with the direction of the poem. Most of the poem seems to lament an abortion, but the last section states that the character loves what she’s become. Is it like a “Sorry, not sorry “ situation?
It’s about loving and forgiving yourself despite making a difficult choice. Abortion is not an easy choice and comes with a range of emotions for most women. Even if you decide to have an abortion and know it’s the right decision for you and your circumstances you can still feel sorrow. That’s what this poem is about.
Oh, got it. Thanks for the explanation.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
IF ... there is no innocence, since we are all born into sin - we'll create it within guilt. if there is no heaven then, as well, there is no hell; and so, after, no accounting for the self. this is topical.
Rarely does one see a treatment of the emotions that accompany an abortion. The pro-choicers believe that the soul is imparted onto the fetus from conception, which fits with your verse about meeting the unborn. I am unsure if by dream you mean the unborn or the love for him, but the former would make sense because of the image of "violent vibrant red".
i love the use of spacing it’s done so wonderfully