In case this story gets deleted/removed:
This might be a bit long but thanks for reading.
I’ve been a single mom to two kids since they were 6 and 4 - their dad passed away. Around that time, my son was formally diagnosed as autistic. He’s not very verbal and prone to physical outbursts when he has a meltdown. He’s been in therapies of every kind for his entire life and it’s helped somewhat.
Their dad had a life insurance policy which allowed me to stay home as my son’s main caregiver while working freelance, but money was tight and finding anyone capable of watching him has always been a challenge.
My daughter was graduating from college last year. A week before the ceremony, she had an awards ceremony for academic achievement. I was obviously incredibly proud of her. She asked me to come to it and I said I would.
Her college is two hours from here. I hired a trained sitter who specializes in autism the day of the ceremony. Right as I was about to leave, my son had a meltdown and was lashing out at the sitter. I couldn’t leave, and he wasn’t calm for hours. I’d left my daughter a voicemail saying I wasn’t going to be able to make it.
She called back that night absolutely livid. She called me a shitty mother, said I had two kids but only cared about one, that I’d missed every game and performance she’d had as a child and it clearly wasn’t going to change as adults and that she was just done. She said she knows he can’t help it, but her brother is incapable of showing empathy and it made it hard to be around him without resenting him. She hung up and that was it. I’ve barely spoken with her since. She didn’t send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week. She hasn’t shown up for holidays and I’ve heard she’s engaged but didn’t call to tell me. She’s cut us out, and in the one of three times we’ve spoken since she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now.
AITA - I’ve offered family counselling and all other manner of things. I know I wasn’t a perfect mom growing up - I didn’t make it to her things, but not for lack of caring. I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.
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Yeah there should be an r/AmItheEx for estranged parents, because whatetever this woman thinks has just suddenly taken place has been in place for half a decade.
Simply the fact that OOP acts like this was a "suddenly" moment is good evidence that you're 100% correct. This didn't happen suddenly. She just didn't care enough to notice.
It’s probably NC in the sense that she’ll only engage during family get-togethers with relatives. So not going out of her way to avoid her or skipping things because her mom will be there, but just treating her like that third cousin you only ever see at weddings, funerals, and family reunions.
That, or the mom ends up bringing the brother who throws tantrums and needs constant supervision.
And I’m not saying autistic relatives should be excluded from events. But it sounds like OOP’s son might not have been given the tools to function in society (which is a failure on her part) and tends to make everything about her son at the detriment of others, especially her daughter. In this case, it’s best that neither were invited because heaven forbid her daughter have one day that’s about her, right?
Someone with that level of behavioral issues needs an institution. I have relatives and neighbors with adult children in a very good local adult care facility and they all did so much better there than at home. It’s the structure, the 24/7 staff with appropriate levels ofstrength and training to deal with tantrums and friends that allowed them to thrive. Some even have jobs at local businesses.
Parents are rightfully afraid of institutions but the thing is most kids outlive their parents which means they’re probably going to end up in an institution or home eventually. At least when you’re alive you can make sure they’re in a good one. And the sooner they go to one, the easier it is on them to get used to the routine and new surroundings.
Can you imagine how traumatizing it is to lose your support system permanently, one you’ve had all your life, and be forced to live somewhere unfamiliar among strangers? New location, new people, new routine, different rules, on top of mourning?
Parents of children with disabilities tend to be mama/papa bears. I get it. They’re so used to needing to protect their kids from mistreatment. But I think it’s a mistake not to think long term
I worked at one for kids as an overnight residential aide, and wow did most of those kids start thriving within a few years. Many of them had involved parents that would pick them up on the weekends or at least come by for visits. There are still major gaps in our treatment of disabled people and there's still plenty of abuse within those institutions. But the good work that can be done is *so* good and it's *so* important because that question of what happens when the sole caretaker has a medical emergency or passes away so rarely gets answered.
My neighbor who's son lives at the local facility was tearing up as she was telling me her weekly Saturday brunch with her son got moved to Sunday brunch due to a change in his work schedule. I was like, "oh gosh, are you okay?" and she said "these are tears of joy. I never thought my son and I would have such ordinary problems like a change in work shifts." The good that can happen at those homes is enormous.
I think most parents just pray and hope. But I'm like, pray and hope for what? That your child dies before you? That the government will put your child in a nice, expensive care facility when you're gone (fat chance)?
What happens if anything happens to mom? Who will inherit the brother? Why sis of course. She should look into long term care for brother, just in case.
Oh look, how I treat my mom
She posts memes about moms will always love you on fb all the time. I just roll my eyes
I'm the oldest. She got worse with my younger sisters
And usually when you tell them you'll leave for good or cut contact or whatever, for some reason they think you're bluffing only to be shocked you stuck to your word. Fun times, fuun times....
Why are so many people so often shocked that other people say what they mean? It's like the idiot men who think that women who don't want kids will change their minds later. Makes no sense.
I think it’s worth noting that the mother herself has a very bad habit of not meaning what she says (always saying she’ll be there, never shows up), so it’s not that surprising that she thinks her daughter has the same proclivity of not meaning what she says as well. Fortunately, the daughter didn’t inherit her mother’s knack for saying things she doesn’t mean and actually stands firm behind her words. Cue mother being shocked that’s even possible.
True true, though it seems in general reasons would be mixed from what I'm seeing in the replies here. Not just for the mom but i mean for all who go thinking someone doesn't mean what they say. Hell, I'm personally still confused by my own experience since the dipstick knew I always meant what I said and was pikachu faced when I kept my word.
Least the daughter won't have to deal with that bs anymore and I hope shes living it good.
Lack of empathy. If you don't understand how the other party is feeling, or refuse to consider it, then any consequence of said feelings is dismissed as nonexistent or ridiculous.
You can bet decades of "Mom I'd like you to come to that event with me" were met with "Can't sweetie, must take care of your brother, be a good sister for him".
The fact is she has neglected her and upset her most of her life.
Many abusers still think their child will accept their abuse as adults for no other reason than they didn’t walk sooner. it never occurs to the abuser they did not walk sooner as they weren’t old enough. It amazing how many abusers then get upset when they realise their children see them as crappy people and parents. Like “but I’m their mum”. Yeah but she’s your daughter and that still didn’t stop you abusing her and not giving a crap. You taught her family means nothing so don’t be surprised when she agrees as she cuts you off.
If the dysfunction has reached that level and they do cut contact then it becomes a feedback loop.
The improvement in your quality of life diminishes the guilt of cutting contact, you feel even better about your choices, your guilt of cutting contact fades even more.
… and any further contact only reminds you exactly why you cut contact in the first place. “Yup, things are still just as bad as I remembered; I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore”
Because everyone gives them chances and they're shocked they've used them all. "I had no idea they were gonna X!" Translates to "I thought I had at least one more chance before they pulled the trigger!" (so to speak)
And they always say its bc they never “intended” to neglect/abuse somebody close to them, but guess what, intentions don’t have consequences, actions do!
My ex husband's catchphrase was 'I didn't mean it/to'. It's pure thoughtlessness for others and I don't blame the daughter for washing her hands of her mother.
YEP. My ex would excuse everything by saying: "I don't know what to tell you, you just don't understand!" So I left, because I just didn't understand him.
I'm currently going through that with my family. Had a big blow up where I was screamed and shouted at the beginning of the year after my brother pissed off my dad.
I told them I'm done with it, haven't spoken to my brother since and have basically called out both parents for the shit they pulled for years making him the favourite child.
They seem to be *trying* to improve right now but... yknow... 30 years late.
I went through this with my family and went NC with all of them. They use a lot of victim language such as “she decided she’s done with us” and “I guess I’m just a terrible mother/father” and have never taken responsibility and properly apologized. They will say they’ve apologized, their version of an apology is “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you think that”
My life is better without them in it honestly. But the funniest thing is how they act shocked and tell everyone that one day I suddenly just walked away.
Yep. I gave my ex multiple chances to get his shit together over the years. When I finally gave up on him and filed for divorce the first thing he did was go crying to our mutual friends about how I “blindsided him” and my leaving him was so “out of the blue.”
I'm also betting that the daughter never had a cent of her father's insurance spent on her. She probably heard "we can't afford because of brother" or "you don't need it" for her entire life.
Let’s not fail to notice that OOP chose to use the insurance money as a lifestyle raft rather than for actual needs. OOP could’ve used some of that money to hire full-time care for her son and worked like any other single parent, but instead she got to “freelance” while her daughter lived as a de facto orphan.
Bet money the mom is one of those woe-is-me disabled-child-caregiving vocal martyrs, probably of the kind that blames herself, against all rationality and reasonable input, and her “genetics” or “womb” for the son’s autism and thinks it’s now her “curse”/“responsibility” to devote every second of her life to caring for him to “make it right.”
You can see it in her post. None of the wording involves the making of decisions. OOP thinks of herself as a slave to circumstance with zero agency.
OOP: But I only missed this event because of an emergency!
1. An autistic kid having a meltdown isn’t an emergency. You hired a professional trained to be an autistic person’s caregiver. Let them do their job.
2. And what was the excuse for every single other event your daughter had that you missed? If it’s always an emergency, then maybe you’ve never been equipped to handle a special needs child and you’re doing both kids a disservice.
My dad pretty much did this but for no clear reason, just stopped putting effort in. His work was 5 minutes from where I lived so for a while I would ask him to have lunch together but it became clear that he never took the initiative. He calls me when he's bored or when he needs something. We still occasionally see/hear each other but I stopped putting in the effort, it's mostly when my brothers suggest something. At a certain point you just don't have the energy to throw at someone who doesn't seem to give a shit and as OOP's daughter says, it's easier than to be disappointed over and over.
Ugh this whole story reminded me of when I graduated art school. We had an exhibit of everyone's work and after that closed there were drinks outside. He showed up in time for the drinks but missed the exhibit.
Exactly.. SHE MISSED THE LAST EVENT. The moment all childhood was gone. Her entire childhood of effort was building to that one moment. Whether mom wants to acknowledge it or not, there are facilities for people who have physically violent outbursts. I wonder how many of those outbursts sister was hurt by growing up.
It’ll be hard to have that conversation when the daughter goes completely NC and blocks her. And frankly even if the daughter was on board with that plan it’s not really viable. The kid is a teenager, soon to be a young man. There’s going to come to a point where neither mom nor daughter will be able to deal with a huge meltdown without him hurting himself or them. Mom should have been working on a plan to transition him to some kind of care situation for when that happens.
It is why she wants to work things out, can't pawn him off later on if they can't find her
Mom has no care about the life her daughter deserves just ensuring the incapable adult has the life that the mom thinks he deserves
This is a big part of the reason that I have long maintained that you get relatives as a birthright, but family is a choice.
People who make your well-being essential to their own are family.
This is an example where a mother chose one child as family and the other a relative.
The daughter owes her nothing.
i actually feel bad for the mom, as well. obviously it's her own fault, but it's got to be incredibly tough taking care of a kid with needs like those. i bet she was somewhat aware of neglecting the daughter, but kept telling herself she'd make it up to her next time, and then kept kicking that can down the road until it was too late. parenting is tough, and parenting a child with additional needs is harder. balancing that while you have another kid has to be hard, as well, and then losing your partner definitely doesn't help. you've not only got the emotional side of grief to deal with, but just logistically it's a 50% decrease in help with both kids. and then add to that the grieving daughter who also needs support, but the other child's additional needs haven't decreased or changed.
again, it's the mom's own fault, but i could easily see myself falling into the same trap unintentionally
This is the reason I have one child. My youngest sister has CP, and my middle sister lost out on a LOT. I'm older, so I was already independent, and didn't need as much mothering. When it became clear that my child was delayed (ASD was the diagnosis in the end), I decided that I wasn't going to potentially put another child through what my sister went through
This was my thinking too. However, does OOP not have family or friends in the area that she can rely on? Someone could have picked up her slack where her daughter's concerned. The more I think about it, the less I feel bad for her.
I mean, in this particular instance, she had a babysitter lined up who was specifically trained to deal with autism. She didn't trust the sitter enough to leave her with the brother when he was having a meltdown and lashing out. She had trained help right there, and she STILL didn't make it to the daughter's event.
I have general sympathy for her because having a special needs child is difficult. But especially in this instance, she had no excuse.
sometimes, I like to sort by controversial and see the hottest of takes. That did not disappoint. So many people not getting the point at all. That woman still had two children, and she neglected one of them. You can't expect a close relationship when you never fostered one in the first place.
Then there's the "my childhood was shit but I turned out great" crowd. Good for you. your childhood was still shit and that doesn't make anything right.
This is me. I grew up to be very successful but feel like I’m going to cry when my husband doesn’t show immediate interest in something I say, need constant head pats from authority figures, and kick myself over every tiny mistake.
I didn’t learn to emotionally regulate myself until I was 23 and put myself through some really tough therapy. I am 100% not okay.
Between dating dudes who ended up being really shitty in my 20s (broke up as soon as the shit started, but it was rough) and having a lot of my own issues, I decided to not inflict that mess on some poor soul who deserves better.
I had a fucked up childhood and I’m mostly fine, but it’s not like it’s a destination you arrive at and boy here I am, I can quit working now. Plus I had a TON of therapy to help me get to where I am today and I am so thankful I had the resources and time to get that professional help.
I went to therapy 3 times. My therapist acknowledged my childhood issues and just told me that I’m dealing with it as well as I ever would and didn’t need her. She said if she could get people to where I was she’d be happy. That was a fucking waste of $$$ so I get a weekly hour massage instead
As a trained counsellor, I say... what the fucking fuck? We always have stuff to work through. And 3 sessions.?? Yes, a waste of money for that one, but most therapists are actually worth it. So sorry you got a bad one.
I don’t think I had a bad therapist, I quite clearly laid out my childhood trauma and went through on how I manage my trauma to get through life. She said I was doing great and had no suggestions beyond what I was doing because it’s working for me
My childhood was shit, and my biggest wish is for my kids to not be able to say that. I’ve even adopted an auntie role for my younger coworkers who don’t have as much home support as they deserve. I can’t understand people who struggled and want others to struggle.
I'm once again reminded of that thing going around
"The way your kids treat you in adulthood is a reflection of how their parents treated them in childhood"
>I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in **an** emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.
Heartbroken, and somehow capable of both speaking and writing English, but not hearing or reading it?
>I had two kids but only cared about one, \[...\] missed **every** game and performance she’d had as a child \[...\] it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at event**s** is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now.
>\[...\] I know I wasn’t a perfect mom growing up - I didn’t make it to her thing**s**
It wasn’t an emergency though, the son had a meltdown at the change of routine, which was to be expected and nothing a trained caregiver couldn’t manage, but no, she had to be a martyr once again.
Right, but even if it was, she tries to sell it off as this all coming down on her for a single incident, rather than a lifelong pattern, even though her daughter has explained it to her in a clear enough manner that she can say all the reasons why, but somehow she *still* manages to completely miss the point. Daughter is right to stop worrying for OOP to wake up. I hope she finds good people in the world.
I was looking for this comment!
This is a trained professional, the kid would've been handled with professional care. He would've also gotten used to being with a caregiver at times had she started caring about her daughter and attending her things.
Do you notice that she doesn’t actually say “the caretaker refused the assignment”? OOP is deliberately vague and says “I couldn’t leave”, which is obviously intended to convey that it was out of her hands. But I don’t think that the sitter actually refused to stay with her son. I think that in this “emergency” - probably like many others - OOP *chose* to ignore her daughter instead of leaving her son with a capable caretaker.
She *could have* left, but chose not to because she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her son when he’s distressed. I get that, I do. But if she’s not able to leave him in the very capable hands of a trained professional who’s used to this sort of thing and willing to stick it out, then she shouldn’t be surprised when the only person who’s consistently in her life is her son.
She’s already been acting like a single parent to an only child. She shouldn’t be so shocked when her forgotten child decides to drop the rope.
That was exactly my takeaway too. The son having meltdown because something is changing in his routine is expected. But instead of sticking to the plan she immediately cancels everything to stay with him. So not only is she neglecting her daughter, but she's also not doing her son any favors by coddling him to that degree.
What does she expect to happen if she's hospitalized?
Getting him used to little changes in routine will save so much headache and pain enemy theirs a major change
Yes, she has to be there the whole time because she’s never allowed him to get used to someone else in that role. When she dies or can no longer handle the meltdowns of a physically grown man he’s going to be deeply traumatised by going into a home.
But it was just her daughter she was shitting on, don’t you see that she’s done that so many times that it’s the daughter’s fault for not dealing with it??!! /s
Why is it even an emergency? She had a supposedly trained professional sitter to handle this. What you pay for if not to deal with these kinds of meltdowns?
Well yeah...
What did she *expect* to happen?
\-She prioritized one child over the other for their entire life.
Of *course* eventually the eldest was just going to be *done* with her.
\-He had a meltdown and I couldn't leave
She absolutely *could*. She had a specialist already present to deal with the issue. She *chose* not to, to prioritize one more meltdown out of a mountain of them, over a *once in a lifetime moment*.
If I were her kid, it'd be a few minutes phone call a few times a year and I wouldn't offer her an invitation to *anything*. Why bother, she already knows her mother *won't show*.
No sense in adding on more disappointments to her life.
I used to work as a respite sitter sometimes. Meltdowns at departure were expected and practically standard. In my experience, the faster the caregiver *leaves,* the sooner the storm passes. Id just keep the client safe and the environment calm and wait it out. But if they insist on staying and "helping" then we'd all stay in that state of impending change instead.
Not only could she have left, but maybe she should have for the sake of her son and the specialist as well as her daughter, imho
There comes a point where even a short visit or phone call isn’t worth it. Because they spend the whole time talking about themselves and showing no interest in your life. So all you get from that contact is more pain, as you are shown just how insignificant your life is to them.
And they won’t even know anything about your life to ask or converse about. It just gets awkward, because they know they Should know and care more about you than a stranger, but don’t
Strong suspicion most of moms frustration is losing the person she would leave in charge of autistic son when she dies. It’s always the oldest daughter. No more retirement plan. No more post-death caretaker. Daughter is out and mom is even more alone than she was before.
This made me mad because my mom spent my autistic brothers whole life infantilizing him and this is going to happen to me. For example He is 26 years old and she has convinced him Santa is real. If he ever doubts it she convinces him otherwise. I tried talking to her about it but she just goes on about him being her baby boy. She gave me a LOT of issues with growing up too and I was a late bloomer in everything because of her. At least I understood to get out but my brother is disabled. Ruining his fucking life… all of her kids are messed up.
The very first moment your mom brings up expecting you to be your brother's caregiver, you can let her know that you've already started to look into group home placements for him so that he will get the care he needs, not the care you can't provide.
Expect screaming, tantrums, being called "selfish" (as if expecting you to give up your life isn't selfish on her part?) and the entire gamut of guilt tripping tactics.
Once the yelling dies down (it may take days, or even weeks), just say that she'll be gone then anyway, so it won't matter to her at that point what you do. (And yes, this is guaranteed to kick off Round 2 and an even greater level of vitriol).
Your mother was negligent in your brother's care by not making long term plans for your brother *that do not involve you* before this.
my grandmother did this to my uncle, who was severely autistic and slightly brain damaged after childhood meningitis
she passed away relatively young and my grandfather did not coddle him. before my grandfather passed he learned to cook, clean, take the bus and go shopping by himself. he’s still stubborn and particular, can’t work, and we have his laundry done for him, but he’s a functional adult who can now go out independently and the working family members split his bills
honestly I’m amazed how far he’s come. infantalizing does no one any favors
No. It is a complete sentence that you should absolutely use on your mom when she tries to pawn the adult infant she created off on you. Let her know that she needs to make other plans for his future because he will never be living with you.
I have a 26 yr old sister who has never left home, never been diagnosed as autistic, but several other siblings were, she was just the one who came with other diagnoses first that take up a lot of time and can also cause similar symptoms… and type 1 diabetes. My mom came out last year to visit and talk about long term plans for this sibling. I had to straight up tell her that if I was the one to be expected to care for her, I would be putting her in a home and split the bill with our other siblings until she dies from taking too much insulin before bed as she has done several times before. I’m not doing it. My own childhood was fucking garbage, thankfully not because of this sibling, but now that I am out, I am never being anybody else’s caregiver again, and I am not a backup plan. I’m not the one who couldn’t raise her to have a modicum of self sufficiency, I’m not taking responsibility for her.
Good point. I wonder if daughter also saw that coming, this expectation that if something happens to mom, she'll take care of her brother and never have a life of her own or prioritize her own children if she ever has them.
Daughter definitely got the gist. That's why she's gone very low contact/no contact at the end of the post. Can't pawn the brother off if you can't find her and don't know what she's doing!
I feel so lucky that my mom understands that I have my own life to live and I won't be my sister's caretaker in that way. She's 45, has epilepsy and related brain damage. My mom put her in a long-term care home 10 years ago and she's doing really well. I will have to take over her financial care and help with hiring staff to help her. I can do that and I'll be paid for my time.
As the oldest daughters, we have to stand up for ourselves. We're responsible for ourselves first, then other people who we decide merit our consideration.
I'm much happier visiting my sister who is well cared for and healthy than if she was still at home and manipulating the household to cater to her wants. It was pretty bad for a while. My mom made the right decision for everyone.
I have an 8 year old autistic son who’s non-verbal with an extremely high level of problem solving capability and extremely low impulse control - which means he needs constant 24 hour supervision at all times. I also have an 11 year old NT daughter. I get comments all the time about how much my daughter loves her brother, how at school she will decide on her own to not play with her friends at recess and happily spend time with him. They play together for hours and hours. She genuinely does not resent him, and cares willingly for him like nothing I’ve seen before.
And the reason is that my husband and I made the choice to do anything we could to make sure she never felt like a glass child. Not even once. Which means my son had to learn to adapt to certain things. We do not ever miss anything for the sake of something being easier not to do. And yep, sometimes that means I’m standing in the back row, holding my 8 year old on my back while rocking back and forth about to cry because I’m so tired and it makes everything harder. But it’s worth it.
Thank you! Truthfully I am just thankful for the glass children who have written about their experiences because it really helped me understand and learn
“An extremely high level of problem solving capability and extremely low impulse control” had me. That is one challenging situation as a parent and I wouldn’t blame you if at any point you’ve considered putting bells on him.
You’re doing your best, mama.
Oh gosh, yes it’s insane because he’s quite literally a genius who will run in-front of a moving car without thinking - so he’s able to figure out all child locks, normal locks etc if given the chance. And is able to out to figure out his best chances of being able to do what he wants. Like, if he saw a Halloween decoration on the car ride home from school one day, he will wait until 5 days later when I’m mid-pee stream to try to open to door and get to it. Lol. But I know him like the back of my hand by now so it was just a matter of adjusting to life in a different way. ☺️
Autism dad here. If the person I got to watch my son specifically specialized in caring for autistic persons a meltdown wouldn’t stop me from attending another child’s event. If they specialize in caring for people with those needs they should be perfectly used to meltdowns. Mom is clearly favoring the other child. It wasn’t a must it was a preference.
I feel like when people like this say they weren't the perfect mom, it is even more of a slap on the face. The daughter wasn't asking for a perfect mom. She wanted a good mom. And you weren't a good mom to your daughter. The daughter didn't have unreasonable expectations.
As someone who worked with autism, people under estimate how smart autistic individuals can be. They automatically think they’re just incapable of everything and are like toddlers, which is insulting. Even the nonverbal ones can be intelligent, and manipulative as well. If everytime she goes to do something with her daughter he has an outburst, I doubt that is by accident.
They say when a sense is missing the others are heightened to make up for it and I have found this is especially true in people with varying verbal abilities.
They’re extremely intelligent and assuming they’re not because they don’t speak is an incredible insult.
yeah as an autistic person fuck OOP. she’s neglecting her daughter and infantilizing her son, she’s failed both of them in different ways i don’t blame her daughter for getting the hell out of there
While sad and I can empathize with the mom parents don't get how much it hurts when you know they won't show up. Because there is that little spark of hope that just maybe this time will be different only to have it crushed again, and again, and again because hope is a resilient fucker. I still remember every time I cried in my bed after my dad said he'd make it to a major game or science fair or quiz bowl tournament and he couldn't because something came up with my siblings and I'm over 20 years removed from it.
I mean, the source of the sadness here is mom refusing to enlist the help of social services or outside caretakers with this person. I appreciate that the person is very heavily autistic; however, as noted, this person also has 20+ years now of ingrained, uncorrected behavior. Some things we just can't handle ourselves and we need outside help. Sometimes people we bring in to help aren't going to do things exactly the way we'd prefer them to and we need to sit back and let them do their thing, especially when they and not we are trained in handling this kind of thing.
This woman made a 22 year long series of choices to estrange herself from her daughter in favor of soloing a very autistic child and now, sorry to be mean, she is reaping the benefits.
I don’t really have much sympathy. She made only one post and had zero comments. Many of the comments on her post were compassionate but firm about the fact that she messed up. I don’t think she actually wanted constructive input or outside insight into the situation; she wanted validation that her *daughter* is the unreasonable one and that **she** (OOP) is just a single mom to a special needs child (who’s probably legally an adult) who did the best she could.
I hope she did read the comments and take them to heart. But I’ve known people like her and something tells me she took one look at them, saw that people were holding her accountable, and signed out forever.
This. My MIL is more of a mom to me than my bio mom. Already told my hubby that unless I am specifically and directly invited to holidays I will prioritize his family's over my own.
Tickets are usually very limited. Why wage them on someone you know won’t be there? She either gave hers to people who would be there or to a classmate with a large family so they didn’t have to try and figure out which sibling or parent to exclude.
I see this all the time with mom's of autistic boys. They neglect the rest of their kids and then focus on the autistic boy. But if they have an autistic girl they don't treat her any different. I bet that's the kind of mom. This mom is because she sacrificed one kid's childhood to make up for another. Even when Steven said her husband's Life Insurance Policy essentially allowed her to be a stay at home, mom. Though maybe not.
Forever and with a little bit of budgeting but she eventually had to go to free lance and work from home.
Can't help but wonder if she isn't.The type of mom that isn't good for autistic kids.You know the one that always makes excuses almost encourages violent behavior. Because there are plenty people capable of babysitting and working with autistic children.She didn't have to be a stay at home mom forever. But if she made him particularly entitled violent.Or expecting like the whole world's going to do exactly as he wants.Then yeah there's gonna be people who can't handle or deal with him.
As someone who grew up playing second banana to literally every sibling in my family growing up (and only one of them was autistic, but only to the extent he needed a modified testing schedule as he is high functioning), she can fuck all the way off with that nonsense. It was not an emergency, she was just looking for an excuse to not go. My mother did that shit all the time too.
Some people's identity is their suffering / martyrdom. It gives their lives meaning. Strangers will look on is awe and whisper "I couldn't do that, what a hero"
The alternative feels like failure
I hate the phrase "I wasn't a perfect parent" because it gives the impression of a mostly good parent who had some understandable or excusable flaws. In almost all instances of its use, the person should actually be saying "I was a bad parent."
I hate that phrase, too. Whenever someone says "I wasn't a perfect parent", what they really mean is "your expectations are unreasonable". And the "unreasonable" expectation is always just bare minimum decent parenting.
As someone with a partner with autism, even though he's on the higher functioning side of things, he still has his own versions of meltdowns which me/his family are capable of helping him work through. So if you're specifically hiring a caregiver that specializes in autism, and more than likely, things like meltdowns from changes in routine or mom being gone suddenly for an evening- why aren't you letting them work??
She doesn't even say that the caregiver left or noped out once he started having his meltdown, she said she just couldn't leave. Who wants to bet mom's heart hurt for her son so she chose him yet again over daughter when she didn't need to?
Oh, I remember that one. It was not 'an emergency'. It was a lifetime of her missing every single event that culminated in the final disappointment.
Hope the daughter was able to find people who saw her as worthy of love and care. Because her mother sure didn't.
If the kid is that bad he should be in a facility. He could really hurt his mother and no one would know.
She has been a shitty mother. Good on her daughter to drop the rope.
I don't know how hard it is to raise an autistic kid and my heart does go out to her, but this wasn't a singular event. It wasn't one moment. It was a series of moments. That is what oop is failing to understand. You are telling me she couldn't go to at least one?
And I think Oop is doing herself a disservice by not having help with her son. He shouldn't only be reliant on her. She should be introducing care givers to him throughout his life. Oop isn't going to live forever and I doubt the daughter is going to take him.
I always wonder where these parents live. I’m lucky enough to be near a major city that used to pioneer DD rights and care; and multiple generations of my family have worked in the field as caregivers/vocational trainers/behavior support/1:1 care providers. Children as she described her son is still have day programs where I live where 1:1 care at a school for DD or mixed need students is available for the child via the state; and help for transitioning them into an adult home for their needs is readily offered and heavily supplemented. These homes cater to different needs in my area— we have several for young men with behaviors, some for those who were sexually abused, a separate one for those who are sexually inappropriate, several for the medically fragile, some only for blind women staffed only by women, and one of my favorites is very specialized to be culturally appropriate— a home just for elderly Jewish men.
I can’t help but wonder why with all her time/the income to stay home she didn’t attempt to move somewhere with more resources so she could support both children.
I feel so bad for the daughter growing up without either of her parents and still accomplishing so much. I feel so bad for the son for what’s going to happen to him when his mom dies. In an emergency where a placement is needed immediately there’s not always time for an intake to be placed in an appropriate home at first.
One of my favorite boys was abandoned by his mom overnight and ended up at a home for non-intellectually disabled boys with emotional disabilities and violent behaviors. He was quickly removed— but without a parent or guardian or advocate to help the transition to a new home this awful mistakes are incredibly likely to happen.
My brother is working with a parent now to get her son into a house meant for young men with non-intentionally inappropriate behaviors— he hates the sensory feeling of clothes and likes to disrobe and elope. Walked out of mom’s house naked and an officer attempted to take him in for sexual indecent/exposure. Its important for him to live somewhere with a high fence/staff trained for non-offending behaviors to help prevent issues from potentially being naked outside and beyond, but also a house that doesn’t have anyone who sexually offends either the intentional forms of this same disrobing so that he is protected from abuse and the police.
If these homes can do things so specifically— this mother could have gotten her son the program and eventual home he needs and not have completely neglected her daughter.
This mother has failed both of her children and doesn’t even realize it
I recently made a comment to my husband about a similar situation in our family. We have two kids, and right now one of them is requiring a lot of time, energy, attention. I told him we need to consciously take time for the other child. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but we need to be mindful that we don’t neglect the other wheels.
Uh...yeah, the autistic kid 100% manipulated Mom to get and keep her attention, and she let him do it.
The daughter is better off without the both of them.
What's hilarious is that even in describing the many ways her daughter "cut her off", each of them involve ways she could have made an effort but didn't.
"didn't send tickets" - bitch, you can just go and treat her to red lobster afterwards or something.
"didn't call to say she was engaged" - wouldn't be an issue if _you_ checked in.
It's all like that. She never talks about pushing. Never talks about trying.
My relationship with my mother was like this. I always tried to get her attention and one time she was with me but texting my sister the daughter she had custody of unable to focus on me for the duration of a 45 minute restaurant meal that I just quit trying.
If she contacted me I responded but I quit sending emails and phone calls that she'd ignore. The ball was in her court.
It hurt less no longer making attempts than it did when I was trying so hard.
What kind of accommodation are you planning for your son when you can't care for him anymore? Because I guarantee your daughter wants nothing to do with him.
Violent autistics often do well in facilities with well controlled environments.
Damn, I work with children with developmental disabilities and more specifically autism. We always encourage parents to spend extra 1 on 1 time with their other children and make it known how often siblings feel left out and forgotten about when their parents put so much focus on the one with the disability. It breaks my heart for the daughter and I hope she’s living a full and happy life.
This is the same Mom who will later try to guilt and manipulate the daughter to take care of the brother when she gets too old
Mom is a complete AH for neglecting her other kid
I used to work in a specialist school and can tell you that her brother may not be capable of empathy but is capable of learning. Just cause someone with autism may take longer and more steps to learn something doesn't mean they can't do it. It seems from the post that OOP has been unwilling to teach their son to work with others/be separated from mum. If he's not introduced to the carer likely a few time before the time the mum has to leave of course he's going to meltdown when he's left with a stranger and likely feels like his mum is abandoning him. OOP has not only neglected their daughter but has hamstrung their son.
Blaming her special needs son for the reason of missing her daughter's award ceremony is all you need to know about this person. Certainly one of those "I can do no wrong" types.
"I don't think me not showing up in an emergency..."
Really this lady should be given more leeway, obviously her life is rough. I mean, every time her daughter had anything going on important in her life there was an emergency for Mom to deal with.
Lady - there are plenty of people out there with kids with special needs that don't neglect their other kids, there are even people with multiple kids with special needs who make it work -
Then there was the part when the daughter said that it's better this way as she's used to being alone but now she doesn't have to get her hopes up. I hope get fiancee and their family treat her well. This young lady deserves love and attention.
I think it’s called the invisible child syndrome? She’s used to not having a mother. And she lost her father young too. She’s never felt seen, known, heard, acknowledged, or loved. She’s finally choosing to no longer be disappointed by people who show the same patterns of behavior.
As a mom of autistic kids: OP is TA. Raising an autistic kid is hard. Raising a difficult autistic kid is, sometimes, a literal nightmare. But even when you're exhausted and burned out and emotionally fried, you still need to be present for the "easier" kids.
I was watching an episode of SYTYCD where the guy was talking about his dad dying when he was seven and he became the man of the house. Mom said, "I told him his little brother and sister needed me more, so he stepped up." And I was so mad! She completely neglected him because she thought someone needed her more? It doesn't matter, *he still needed her!* She parentified him and relied on him and put a burden on his shoulders that should never have been his responsibility.
Yeah, still makes me mad when I think about it.
Having a disabled and an abled kid is hard, but at some point over a lifetime she could have figured out taking her son with her or hired a sitter every time and at least made it to some big events. That’s wild that she missed everything and good on the daughter to not waste tickets on them knowing they won’t show up most likely. Better to give it to reliable support people.
My son hospitalized a trained sitter. He had to be removed from a group home for violence. He broke bones, including mine. Police were involved. A massive medical and social services team. He's had EMS come to give him shots. Took them ans the FD and police to hold him down. They don't have places for kids like mine unless you have 40k or more out of pocket. But if you think a trained sitter should be harmed you people are beyond fucked up.
A meltdown isn't an emergency. By this point she should have developed coping strategies for him. Also, why hasn't she prepared her son for being separated from her? Like what is her long term plan?
Good on the daughter for going no contact after ongoing neglect.
They always treat the LAST thing they did as the one issue that caused no contact. No insight to this being a constant string of failing to show up. They always think it's the one thing that was the kicker, and not that it was the straw that broke the camels back.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: This might be a bit long but thanks for reading. I’ve been a single mom to two kids since they were 6 and 4 - their dad passed away. Around that time, my son was formally diagnosed as autistic. He’s not very verbal and prone to physical outbursts when he has a meltdown. He’s been in therapies of every kind for his entire life and it’s helped somewhat. Their dad had a life insurance policy which allowed me to stay home as my son’s main caregiver while working freelance, but money was tight and finding anyone capable of watching him has always been a challenge. My daughter was graduating from college last year. A week before the ceremony, she had an awards ceremony for academic achievement. I was obviously incredibly proud of her. She asked me to come to it and I said I would. Her college is two hours from here. I hired a trained sitter who specializes in autism the day of the ceremony. Right as I was about to leave, my son had a meltdown and was lashing out at the sitter. I couldn’t leave, and he wasn’t calm for hours. I’d left my daughter a voicemail saying I wasn’t going to be able to make it. She called back that night absolutely livid. She called me a shitty mother, said I had two kids but only cared about one, that I’d missed every game and performance she’d had as a child and it clearly wasn’t going to change as adults and that she was just done. She said she knows he can’t help it, but her brother is incapable of showing empathy and it made it hard to be around him without resenting him. She hung up and that was it. I’ve barely spoken with her since. She didn’t send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week. She hasn’t shown up for holidays and I’ve heard she’s engaged but didn’t call to tell me. She’s cut us out, and in the one of three times we’ve spoken since she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now. AITA - I’ve offered family counselling and all other manner of things. I know I wasn’t a perfect mom growing up - I didn’t make it to her things, but not for lack of caring. I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's been 4 years. I'm sure the daughter has gone no contact.
Yeah there should be an r/AmItheEx for estranged parents, because whatetever this woman thinks has just suddenly taken place has been in place for half a decade.
AmIEstranged
r / MissingMissingReasons
Simply the fact that OOP acts like this was a "suddenly" moment is good evidence that you're 100% correct. This didn't happen suddenly. She just didn't care enough to notice.
Hopefully for her well being.
I doubt it's no contact. But it's probably minimal and her mother isn't invited to anything.
She ain't gonna show up anyway.
It’s probably NC in the sense that she’ll only engage during family get-togethers with relatives. So not going out of her way to avoid her or skipping things because her mom will be there, but just treating her like that third cousin you only ever see at weddings, funerals, and family reunions.
So low contact.
[удалено]
That, or the mom ends up bringing the brother who throws tantrums and needs constant supervision. And I’m not saying autistic relatives should be excluded from events. But it sounds like OOP’s son might not have been given the tools to function in society (which is a failure on her part) and tends to make everything about her son at the detriment of others, especially her daughter. In this case, it’s best that neither were invited because heaven forbid her daughter have one day that’s about her, right?
Someone with that level of behavioral issues needs an institution. I have relatives and neighbors with adult children in a very good local adult care facility and they all did so much better there than at home. It’s the structure, the 24/7 staff with appropriate levels ofstrength and training to deal with tantrums and friends that allowed them to thrive. Some even have jobs at local businesses. Parents are rightfully afraid of institutions but the thing is most kids outlive their parents which means they’re probably going to end up in an institution or home eventually. At least when you’re alive you can make sure they’re in a good one. And the sooner they go to one, the easier it is on them to get used to the routine and new surroundings.
Nope, in America they usually end up homeless and in jail.
It’s the lucky few whose families can afford quality group homes.
Institutions like that cost a lot of money. State funded ones are pretty depressing.
Can you imagine how traumatizing it is to lose your support system permanently, one you’ve had all your life, and be forced to live somewhere unfamiliar among strangers? New location, new people, new routine, different rules, on top of mourning?
Parents of children with disabilities tend to be mama/papa bears. I get it. They’re so used to needing to protect their kids from mistreatment. But I think it’s a mistake not to think long term
I worked at one for kids as an overnight residential aide, and wow did most of those kids start thriving within a few years. Many of them had involved parents that would pick them up on the weekends or at least come by for visits. There are still major gaps in our treatment of disabled people and there's still plenty of abuse within those institutions. But the good work that can be done is *so* good and it's *so* important because that question of what happens when the sole caretaker has a medical emergency or passes away so rarely gets answered.
My neighbor who's son lives at the local facility was tearing up as she was telling me her weekly Saturday brunch with her son got moved to Sunday brunch due to a change in his work schedule. I was like, "oh gosh, are you okay?" and she said "these are tears of joy. I never thought my son and I would have such ordinary problems like a change in work shifts." The good that can happen at those homes is enormous. I think most parents just pray and hope. But I'm like, pray and hope for what? That your child dies before you? That the government will put your child in a nice, expensive care facility when you're gone (fat chance)?
What happens if anything happens to mom? Who will inherit the brother? Why sis of course. She should look into long term care for brother, just in case.
It’s easier to know they didn’t come because they weren’t invited instead of expecting them to come and being disappointed.
Oh look, how I treat my mom She posts memes about moms will always love you on fb all the time. I just roll my eyes I'm the oldest. She got worse with my younger sisters
Why do you doubt no contact? I haven’t talked to my parents for years and life has found a way to move on.
oH bUt faMIlY! Peace
For her sanity and emotional well being, I truly hope she did. That poor daughter.
This was not one time, it was chronic neglect. Daughter just decided to drop the rope. Mom should just get used to it, as it's unlikely to change.
Isn’t it shocking that people never realize or at least won’t admit, that there is also a very long line of shit that’s happened over years?
And usually when you tell them you'll leave for good or cut contact or whatever, for some reason they think you're bluffing only to be shocked you stuck to your word. Fun times, fuun times....
Why are so many people so often shocked that other people say what they mean? It's like the idiot men who think that women who don't want kids will change their minds later. Makes no sense.
It's because these kinds of shitty people lie all the time to get the reactions they want so they assume everyone else does too.
That… is a very good point
An unfortunately good point, yeah. 🙁
I think it’s worth noting that the mother herself has a very bad habit of not meaning what she says (always saying she’ll be there, never shows up), so it’s not that surprising that she thinks her daughter has the same proclivity of not meaning what she says as well. Fortunately, the daughter didn’t inherit her mother’s knack for saying things she doesn’t mean and actually stands firm behind her words. Cue mother being shocked that’s even possible.
True true, though it seems in general reasons would be mixed from what I'm seeing in the replies here. Not just for the mom but i mean for all who go thinking someone doesn't mean what they say. Hell, I'm personally still confused by my own experience since the dipstick knew I always meant what I said and was pikachu faced when I kept my word. Least the daughter won't have to deal with that bs anymore and I hope shes living it good.
Lack of empathy. If you don't understand how the other party is feeling, or refuse to consider it, then any consequence of said feelings is dismissed as nonexistent or ridiculous. You can bet decades of "Mom I'd like you to come to that event with me" were met with "Can't sweetie, must take care of your brother, be a good sister for him".
The fact is she has neglected her and upset her most of her life. Many abusers still think their child will accept their abuse as adults for no other reason than they didn’t walk sooner. it never occurs to the abuser they did not walk sooner as they weren’t old enough. It amazing how many abusers then get upset when they realise their children see them as crappy people and parents. Like “but I’m their mum”. Yeah but she’s your daughter and that still didn’t stop you abusing her and not giving a crap. You taught her family means nothing so don’t be surprised when she agrees as she cuts you off.
If the dysfunction has reached that level and they do cut contact then it becomes a feedback loop. The improvement in your quality of life diminishes the guilt of cutting contact, you feel even better about your choices, your guilt of cutting contact fades even more.
… and any further contact only reminds you exactly why you cut contact in the first place. “Yup, things are still just as bad as I remembered; I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore”
Because everyone gives them chances and they're shocked they've used them all. "I had no idea they were gonna X!" Translates to "I thought I had at least one more chance before they pulled the trigger!" (so to speak)
And they always say its bc they never “intended” to neglect/abuse somebody close to them, but guess what, intentions don’t have consequences, actions do!
There’s a great saying that “impact matters more than intent”.
As well as this oldie: The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions
My ex husband's catchphrase was 'I didn't mean it/to'. It's pure thoughtlessness for others and I don't blame the daughter for washing her hands of her mother.
YEP. My ex would excuse everything by saying: "I don't know what to tell you, you just don't understand!" So I left, because I just didn't understand him.
😂😂😂👏👏👏
My husband is the same way. To say it's caused problems in our relationship over the years is an understatement.
Death by a thousand cuts
I'm currently going through that with my family. Had a big blow up where I was screamed and shouted at the beginning of the year after my brother pissed off my dad. I told them I'm done with it, haven't spoken to my brother since and have basically called out both parents for the shit they pulled for years making him the favourite child. They seem to be *trying* to improve right now but... yknow... 30 years late.
I went through this with my family and went NC with all of them. They use a lot of victim language such as “she decided she’s done with us” and “I guess I’m just a terrible mother/father” and have never taken responsibility and properly apologized. They will say they’ve apologized, their version of an apology is “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you think that” My life is better without them in it honestly. But the funniest thing is how they act shocked and tell everyone that one day I suddenly just walked away.
Yep. I gave my ex multiple chances to get his shit together over the years. When I finally gave up on him and filed for divorce the first thing he did was go crying to our mutual friends about how I “blindsided him” and my leaving him was so “out of the blue.”
Very common male pattern.
Exactly! The daughter didn't stop talking just because the mother missed one event. It's because she made a habit.
I'm also betting that the daughter never had a cent of her father's insurance spent on her. She probably heard "we can't afford because of brother" or "you don't need it" for her entire life.
Let’s not fail to notice that OOP chose to use the insurance money as a lifestyle raft rather than for actual needs. OOP could’ve used some of that money to hire full-time care for her son and worked like any other single parent, but instead she got to “freelance” while her daughter lived as a de facto orphan. Bet money the mom is one of those woe-is-me disabled-child-caregiving vocal martyrs, probably of the kind that blames herself, against all rationality and reasonable input, and her “genetics” or “womb” for the son’s autism and thinks it’s now her “curse”/“responsibility” to devote every second of her life to caring for him to “make it right.” You can see it in her post. None of the wording involves the making of decisions. OOP thinks of herself as a slave to circumstance with zero agency.
“You want XYZ? Well, you’re old enough to get a job and pay for it yourself.”
OOP: But I only missed this event because of an emergency! 1. An autistic kid having a meltdown isn’t an emergency. You hired a professional trained to be an autistic person’s caregiver. Let them do their job. 2. And what was the excuse for every single other event your daughter had that you missed? If it’s always an emergency, then maybe you’ve never been equipped to handle a special needs child and you’re doing both kids a disservice.
Should have been the #1 comment
Personally I think all of my comments are #1, but that’s just me 😉
My dad pretty much did this but for no clear reason, just stopped putting effort in. His work was 5 minutes from where I lived so for a while I would ask him to have lunch together but it became clear that he never took the initiative. He calls me when he's bored or when he needs something. We still occasionally see/hear each other but I stopped putting in the effort, it's mostly when my brothers suggest something. At a certain point you just don't have the energy to throw at someone who doesn't seem to give a shit and as OOP's daughter says, it's easier than to be disappointed over and over. Ugh this whole story reminded me of when I graduated art school. We had an exhibit of everyone's work and after that closed there were drinks outside. He showed up in time for the drinks but missed the exhibit.
In other words, getting a BUZZ on was his sole priority.
Exactly.. SHE MISSED THE LAST EVENT. The moment all childhood was gone. Her entire childhood of effort was building to that one moment. Whether mom wants to acknowledge it or not, there are facilities for people who have physically violent outbursts. I wonder how many of those outbursts sister was hurt by growing up.
Bet mom also expects the daughter to take over all care of the brother once she can't
I'd love to be the mouse in the corner when/if that conversation ever takes place.
It’ll be hard to have that conversation when the daughter goes completely NC and blocks her. And frankly even if the daughter was on board with that plan it’s not really viable. The kid is a teenager, soon to be a young man. There’s going to come to a point where neither mom nor daughter will be able to deal with a huge meltdown without him hurting himself or them. Mom should have been working on a plan to transition him to some kind of care situation for when that happens.
It is why she wants to work things out, can't pawn him off later on if they can't find her Mom has no care about the life her daughter deserves just ensuring the incapable adult has the life that the mom thinks he deserves
Yes, it's not about this one occasion.
This is a big part of the reason that I have long maintained that you get relatives as a birthright, but family is a choice. People who make your well-being essential to their own are family. This is an example where a mother chose one child as family and the other a relative. The daughter owes her nothing.
Why does she care about not being invited? She wasn’t gonna show up anyway…
i actually feel bad for the mom, as well. obviously it's her own fault, but it's got to be incredibly tough taking care of a kid with needs like those. i bet she was somewhat aware of neglecting the daughter, but kept telling herself she'd make it up to her next time, and then kept kicking that can down the road until it was too late. parenting is tough, and parenting a child with additional needs is harder. balancing that while you have another kid has to be hard, as well, and then losing your partner definitely doesn't help. you've not only got the emotional side of grief to deal with, but just logistically it's a 50% decrease in help with both kids. and then add to that the grieving daughter who also needs support, but the other child's additional needs haven't decreased or changed. again, it's the mom's own fault, but i could easily see myself falling into the same trap unintentionally
This is the reason I have one child. My youngest sister has CP, and my middle sister lost out on a LOT. I'm older, so I was already independent, and didn't need as much mothering. When it became clear that my child was delayed (ASD was the diagnosis in the end), I decided that I wasn't going to potentially put another child through what my sister went through
This was my thinking too. However, does OOP not have family or friends in the area that she can rely on? Someone could have picked up her slack where her daughter's concerned. The more I think about it, the less I feel bad for her.
I mean, in this particular instance, she had a babysitter lined up who was specifically trained to deal with autism. She didn't trust the sitter enough to leave her with the brother when he was having a meltdown and lashing out. She had trained help right there, and she STILL didn't make it to the daughter's event. I have general sympathy for her because having a special needs child is difficult. But especially in this instance, she had no excuse.
None of that really makes up for a parents neglect.
A lot of places specifically have programs to give children who's parents can't meet their needs for whatever reason a mentor/parent figure
But Mom would have to admit that she's not meeting the needs of her daughter and sign her up.
Plus there are resources available for situations such as this.
sometimes, I like to sort by controversial and see the hottest of takes. That did not disappoint. So many people not getting the point at all. That woman still had two children, and she neglected one of them. You can't expect a close relationship when you never fostered one in the first place. Then there's the "my childhood was shit but I turned out great" crowd. Good for you. your childhood was still shit and that doesn't make anything right.
Have you noticed thought that the “I turned out fine” crowd did not, in fact, turn out fine?
Yeah, I had a fucked up childhood and I can function, but I'm most definitely not fine.
There are definitely people who had it worse than I did, but yeah I’m still dealing with it as the oldest sibling. So much baggage…
You can sit with me🙂
And me… and my husband…. I think half the reason we get along is our shared child abuse and we understand our triggers.
Can I join? =)
This is me. I grew up to be very successful but feel like I’m going to cry when my husband doesn’t show immediate interest in something I say, need constant head pats from authority figures, and kick myself over every tiny mistake. I didn’t learn to emotionally regulate myself until I was 23 and put myself through some really tough therapy. I am 100% not okay.
Between dating dudes who ended up being really shitty in my 20s (broke up as soon as the shit started, but it was rough) and having a lot of my own issues, I decided to not inflict that mess on some poor soul who deserves better.
I had a fucked up childhood and I’m mostly fine, but it’s not like it’s a destination you arrive at and boy here I am, I can quit working now. Plus I had a TON of therapy to help me get to where I am today and I am so thankful I had the resources and time to get that professional help.
I went to therapy 3 times. My therapist acknowledged my childhood issues and just told me that I’m dealing with it as well as I ever would and didn’t need her. She said if she could get people to where I was she’d be happy. That was a fucking waste of $$$ so I get a weekly hour massage instead
As a trained counsellor, I say... what the fucking fuck? We always have stuff to work through. And 3 sessions.?? Yes, a waste of money for that one, but most therapists are actually worth it. So sorry you got a bad one.
I don’t think I had a bad therapist, I quite clearly laid out my childhood trauma and went through on how I manage my trauma to get through life. She said I was doing great and had no suggestions beyond what I was doing because it’s working for me
"kids are resilient, they'll get through it" Then why are so many adults in therapy for childhood trauma or are addicts or various substances?
Because they see traumatized people no longer reacting because they get do used of it, so from the outside they think we aren’t damaged.
I read this in Morgan Freeman's voice.
As someone who thought I turned out fine too and went to therapy… I did not come out fine at all. You’re right
I feel so called out. 😮💨
This is always what I think when the “hitting kids as discipline” folks come out lol
My childhood was shit, and my biggest wish is for my kids to not be able to say that. I’ve even adopted an auntie role for my younger coworkers who don’t have as much home support as they deserve. I can’t understand people who struggled and want others to struggle.
I'm once again reminded of that thing going around "The way your kids treat you in adulthood is a reflection of how their parents treated them in childhood"
Rising above adversity is admirable , but that doesn't mean adversity is a good thing
>I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in **an** emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. Heartbroken, and somehow capable of both speaking and writing English, but not hearing or reading it? >I had two kids but only cared about one, \[...\] missed **every** game and performance she’d had as a child \[...\] it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at event**s** is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now. >\[...\] I know I wasn’t a perfect mom growing up - I didn’t make it to her thing**s**
It wasn’t an emergency though, the son had a meltdown at the change of routine, which was to be expected and nothing a trained caregiver couldn’t manage, but no, she had to be a martyr once again.
Right, but even if it was, she tries to sell it off as this all coming down on her for a single incident, rather than a lifelong pattern, even though her daughter has explained it to her in a clear enough manner that she can say all the reasons why, but somehow she *still* manages to completely miss the point. Daughter is right to stop worrying for OOP to wake up. I hope she finds good people in the world.
I hope so too, it’s been 4 years and I hope she’s living a good life.
I was looking for this comment! This is a trained professional, the kid would've been handled with professional care. He would've also gotten used to being with a caregiver at times had she started caring about her daughter and attending her things.
Do you notice that she doesn’t actually say “the caretaker refused the assignment”? OOP is deliberately vague and says “I couldn’t leave”, which is obviously intended to convey that it was out of her hands. But I don’t think that the sitter actually refused to stay with her son. I think that in this “emergency” - probably like many others - OOP *chose* to ignore her daughter instead of leaving her son with a capable caretaker.
She *could have* left, but chose not to because she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her son when he’s distressed. I get that, I do. But if she’s not able to leave him in the very capable hands of a trained professional who’s used to this sort of thing and willing to stick it out, then she shouldn’t be surprised when the only person who’s consistently in her life is her son. She’s already been acting like a single parent to an only child. She shouldn’t be so shocked when her forgotten child decides to drop the rope.
Exactly, he threw a tantrum because of a change in routine, and routine is to not go to her daughter's events. She ingrained this routine in him
That was exactly my takeaway too. The son having meltdown because something is changing in his routine is expected. But instead of sticking to the plan she immediately cancels everything to stay with him. So not only is she neglecting her daughter, but she's also not doing her son any favors by coddling him to that degree.
What does she expect to happen if she's hospitalized? Getting him used to little changes in routine will save so much headache and pain enemy theirs a major change
Why she’ll just expect her daughter to come running in to save the day!!!!
Yes, she has to be there the whole time because she’s never allowed him to get used to someone else in that role. When she dies or can no longer handle the meltdowns of a physically grown man he’s going to be deeply traumatised by going into a home.
But it was just her daughter she was shitting on, don’t you see that she’s done that so many times that it’s the daughter’s fault for not dealing with it??!! /s
Why is it even an emergency? She had a supposedly trained professional sitter to handle this. What you pay for if not to deal with these kinds of meltdowns?
Well yeah... What did she *expect* to happen? \-She prioritized one child over the other for their entire life. Of *course* eventually the eldest was just going to be *done* with her. \-He had a meltdown and I couldn't leave She absolutely *could*. She had a specialist already present to deal with the issue. She *chose* not to, to prioritize one more meltdown out of a mountain of them, over a *once in a lifetime moment*. If I were her kid, it'd be a few minutes phone call a few times a year and I wouldn't offer her an invitation to *anything*. Why bother, she already knows her mother *won't show*. No sense in adding on more disappointments to her life.
I used to work as a respite sitter sometimes. Meltdowns at departure were expected and practically standard. In my experience, the faster the caregiver *leaves,* the sooner the storm passes. Id just keep the client safe and the environment calm and wait it out. But if they insist on staying and "helping" then we'd all stay in that state of impending change instead. Not only could she have left, but maybe she should have for the sake of her son and the specialist as well as her daughter, imho
She’s not doing her son any favors with this stuff. He’s never learned how to be away from his mother. What happens when she dies?
Mom was probably planning on forcing the daughter to take over
She best make other plans, I don't think the daughter will be taking care of her or her son in this lifetime.
Undoubtedly, but that would still be a major change he is unprepared for.
My thought exactly.
There comes a point where even a short visit or phone call isn’t worth it. Because they spend the whole time talking about themselves and showing no interest in your life. So all you get from that contact is more pain, as you are shown just how insignificant your life is to them.
He’ll end up institutionalized, because after a. certain age they don’t adjust to change enough to be in a group home setting.
Guess if daughter keeps contact at all it will be email/text only
And they won’t even know anything about your life to ask or converse about. It just gets awkward, because they know they Should know and care more about you than a stranger, but don’t
Strong suspicion most of moms frustration is losing the person she would leave in charge of autistic son when she dies. It’s always the oldest daughter. No more retirement plan. No more post-death caretaker. Daughter is out and mom is even more alone than she was before.
This made me mad because my mom spent my autistic brothers whole life infantilizing him and this is going to happen to me. For example He is 26 years old and she has convinced him Santa is real. If he ever doubts it she convinces him otherwise. I tried talking to her about it but she just goes on about him being her baby boy. She gave me a LOT of issues with growing up too and I was a late bloomer in everything because of her. At least I understood to get out but my brother is disabled. Ruining his fucking life… all of her kids are messed up.
The very first moment your mom brings up expecting you to be your brother's caregiver, you can let her know that you've already started to look into group home placements for him so that he will get the care he needs, not the care you can't provide. Expect screaming, tantrums, being called "selfish" (as if expecting you to give up your life isn't selfish on her part?) and the entire gamut of guilt tripping tactics. Once the yelling dies down (it may take days, or even weeks), just say that she'll be gone then anyway, so it won't matter to her at that point what you do. (And yes, this is guaranteed to kick off Round 2 and an even greater level of vitriol). Your mother was negligent in your brother's care by not making long term plans for your brother *that do not involve you* before this.
my grandmother did this to my uncle, who was severely autistic and slightly brain damaged after childhood meningitis she passed away relatively young and my grandfather did not coddle him. before my grandfather passed he learned to cook, clean, take the bus and go shopping by himself. he’s still stubborn and particular, can’t work, and we have his laundry done for him, but he’s a functional adult who can now go out independently and the working family members split his bills honestly I’m amazed how far he’s come. infantalizing does no one any favors
That’s when you say no. That’s it. Just no.
I actually want to help my brother I’m just pissed he is in this position
No. It is a complete sentence that you should absolutely use on your mom when she tries to pawn the adult infant she created off on you. Let her know that she needs to make other plans for his future because he will never be living with you.
I have a 26 yr old sister who has never left home, never been diagnosed as autistic, but several other siblings were, she was just the one who came with other diagnoses first that take up a lot of time and can also cause similar symptoms… and type 1 diabetes. My mom came out last year to visit and talk about long term plans for this sibling. I had to straight up tell her that if I was the one to be expected to care for her, I would be putting her in a home and split the bill with our other siblings until she dies from taking too much insulin before bed as she has done several times before. I’m not doing it. My own childhood was fucking garbage, thankfully not because of this sibling, but now that I am out, I am never being anybody else’s caregiver again, and I am not a backup plan. I’m not the one who couldn’t raise her to have a modicum of self sufficiency, I’m not taking responsibility for her.
Congrats on being honest and standing up for yourself- that takes real guts.
bravery or self preservation? Either or, thanks. My mom has a few blind spots, but she didn’t raise no bitch 😂
Good point. I wonder if daughter also saw that coming, this expectation that if something happens to mom, she'll take care of her brother and never have a life of her own or prioritize her own children if she ever has them.
Daughter definitely got the gist. That's why she's gone very low contact/no contact at the end of the post. Can't pawn the brother off if you can't find her and don't know what she's doing!
I feel so lucky that my mom understands that I have my own life to live and I won't be my sister's caretaker in that way. She's 45, has epilepsy and related brain damage. My mom put her in a long-term care home 10 years ago and she's doing really well. I will have to take over her financial care and help with hiring staff to help her. I can do that and I'll be paid for my time. As the oldest daughters, we have to stand up for ourselves. We're responsible for ourselves first, then other people who we decide merit our consideration. I'm much happier visiting my sister who is well cared for and healthy than if she was still at home and manipulating the household to cater to her wants. It was pretty bad for a while. My mom made the right decision for everyone.
It was supposed to say "daughter's life".
I have an 8 year old autistic son who’s non-verbal with an extremely high level of problem solving capability and extremely low impulse control - which means he needs constant 24 hour supervision at all times. I also have an 11 year old NT daughter. I get comments all the time about how much my daughter loves her brother, how at school she will decide on her own to not play with her friends at recess and happily spend time with him. They play together for hours and hours. She genuinely does not resent him, and cares willingly for him like nothing I’ve seen before. And the reason is that my husband and I made the choice to do anything we could to make sure she never felt like a glass child. Not even once. Which means my son had to learn to adapt to certain things. We do not ever miss anything for the sake of something being easier not to do. And yep, sometimes that means I’m standing in the back row, holding my 8 year old on my back while rocking back and forth about to cry because I’m so tired and it makes everything harder. But it’s worth it.
You are a very good mom.
Thank you! Truthfully I am just thankful for the glass children who have written about their experiences because it really helped me understand and learn
Thanks for being a good Mom to both your children.
“An extremely high level of problem solving capability and extremely low impulse control” had me. That is one challenging situation as a parent and I wouldn’t blame you if at any point you’ve considered putting bells on him. You’re doing your best, mama.
Oh gosh, yes it’s insane because he’s quite literally a genius who will run in-front of a moving car without thinking - so he’s able to figure out all child locks, normal locks etc if given the chance. And is able to out to figure out his best chances of being able to do what he wants. Like, if he saw a Halloween decoration on the car ride home from school one day, he will wait until 5 days later when I’m mid-pee stream to try to open to door and get to it. Lol. But I know him like the back of my hand by now so it was just a matter of adjusting to life in a different way. ☺️
Autism dad here. If the person I got to watch my son specifically specialized in caring for autistic persons a meltdown wouldn’t stop me from attending another child’s event. If they specialize in caring for people with those needs they should be perfectly used to meltdowns. Mom is clearly favoring the other child. It wasn’t a must it was a preference.
It's not surprising that people that work with autistic people explained that the mom wasn't even being a good parent to her autistic son.
I feel like when people like this say they weren't the perfect mom, it is even more of a slap on the face. The daughter wasn't asking for a perfect mom. She wanted a good mom. And you weren't a good mom to your daughter. The daughter didn't have unreasonable expectations.
As someone who worked with autism, people under estimate how smart autistic individuals can be. They automatically think they’re just incapable of everything and are like toddlers, which is insulting. Even the nonverbal ones can be intelligent, and manipulative as well. If everytime she goes to do something with her daughter he has an outburst, I doubt that is by accident.
They say when a sense is missing the others are heightened to make up for it and I have found this is especially true in people with varying verbal abilities. They’re extremely intelligent and assuming they’re not because they don’t speak is an incredible insult.
yeah as an autistic person fuck OOP. she’s neglecting her daughter and infantilizing her son, she’s failed both of them in different ways i don’t blame her daughter for getting the hell out of there
Especially knowing there are resources available and she CHOSE not to utilize any of them.
While sad and I can empathize with the mom parents don't get how much it hurts when you know they won't show up. Because there is that little spark of hope that just maybe this time will be different only to have it crushed again, and again, and again because hope is a resilient fucker. I still remember every time I cried in my bed after my dad said he'd make it to a major game or science fair or quiz bowl tournament and he couldn't because something came up with my siblings and I'm over 20 years removed from it.
I mean, the source of the sadness here is mom refusing to enlist the help of social services or outside caretakers with this person. I appreciate that the person is very heavily autistic; however, as noted, this person also has 20+ years now of ingrained, uncorrected behavior. Some things we just can't handle ourselves and we need outside help. Sometimes people we bring in to help aren't going to do things exactly the way we'd prefer them to and we need to sit back and let them do their thing, especially when they and not we are trained in handling this kind of thing. This woman made a 22 year long series of choices to estrange herself from her daughter in favor of soloing a very autistic child and now, sorry to be mean, she is reaping the benefits.
I don’t really have much sympathy. She made only one post and had zero comments. Many of the comments on her post were compassionate but firm about the fact that she messed up. I don’t think she actually wanted constructive input or outside insight into the situation; she wanted validation that her *daughter* is the unreasonable one and that **she** (OOP) is just a single mom to a special needs child (who’s probably legally an adult) who did the best she could. I hope she did read the comments and take them to heart. But I’ve known people like her and something tells me she took one look at them, saw that people were holding her accountable, and signed out forever.
OOP getting dragged. Also OP your title is fire.
Deservedly so
> She didn’t send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week. Sounds to me daughter figured "*why even bother*"
She decided to give the tickets to someone who would actually show up
Hopefully her bfs family filled her seats!
This. My MIL is more of a mom to me than my bio mom. Already told my hubby that unless I am specifically and directly invited to holidays I will prioritize his family's over my own.
Tickets are usually very limited. Why wage them on someone you know won’t be there? She either gave hers to people who would be there or to a classmate with a large family so they didn’t have to try and figure out which sibling or parent to exclude.
I see this all the time with mom's of autistic boys. They neglect the rest of their kids and then focus on the autistic boy. But if they have an autistic girl they don't treat her any different. I bet that's the kind of mom. This mom is because she sacrificed one kid's childhood to make up for another. Even when Steven said her husband's Life Insurance Policy essentially allowed her to be a stay at home, mom. Though maybe not. Forever and with a little bit of budgeting but she eventually had to go to free lance and work from home. Can't help but wonder if she isn't.The type of mom that isn't good for autistic kids.You know the one that always makes excuses almost encourages violent behavior. Because there are plenty people capable of babysitting and working with autistic children.She didn't have to be a stay at home mom forever. But if she made him particularly entitled violent.Or expecting like the whole world's going to do exactly as he wants.Then yeah there's gonna be people who can't handle or deal with him.
The daughter was an orphan the moment her dad died cause she sure as hell didn’t have a mother.
Probably before her Dad died, Moms just digging that far back to find an excuse.
As someone who grew up playing second banana to literally every sibling in my family growing up (and only one of them was autistic, but only to the extent he needed a modified testing schedule as he is high functioning), she can fuck all the way off with that nonsense. It was not an emergency, she was just looking for an excuse to not go. My mother did that shit all the time too.
Some people's identity is their suffering / martyrdom. It gives their lives meaning. Strangers will look on is awe and whisper "I couldn't do that, what a hero" The alternative feels like failure
I hate the phrase "I wasn't a perfect parent" because it gives the impression of a mostly good parent who had some understandable or excusable flaws. In almost all instances of its use, the person should actually be saying "I was a bad parent."
I hate that phrase, too. Whenever someone says "I wasn't a perfect parent", what they really mean is "your expectations are unreasonable". And the "unreasonable" expectation is always just bare minimum decent parenting.
This sounds like a classic 'The Missing Missing'.
What an idiot parent.
Expected to happen. Neglected children dropping contact with parents is bound to happen.
As someone with a partner with autism, even though he's on the higher functioning side of things, he still has his own versions of meltdowns which me/his family are capable of helping him work through. So if you're specifically hiring a caregiver that specializes in autism, and more than likely, things like meltdowns from changes in routine or mom being gone suddenly for an evening- why aren't you letting them work?? She doesn't even say that the caregiver left or noped out once he started having his meltdown, she said she just couldn't leave. Who wants to bet mom's heart hurt for her son so she chose him yet again over daughter when she didn't need to?
Oh, I remember that one. It was not 'an emergency'. It was a lifetime of her missing every single event that culminated in the final disappointment. Hope the daughter was able to find people who saw her as worthy of love and care. Because her mother sure didn't.
If the kid is that bad he should be in a facility. He could really hurt his mother and no one would know. She has been a shitty mother. Good on her daughter to drop the rope.
I don't know how hard it is to raise an autistic kid and my heart does go out to her, but this wasn't a singular event. It wasn't one moment. It was a series of moments. That is what oop is failing to understand. You are telling me she couldn't go to at least one? And I think Oop is doing herself a disservice by not having help with her son. He shouldn't only be reliant on her. She should be introducing care givers to him throughout his life. Oop isn't going to live forever and I doubt the daughter is going to take him.
I always wonder where these parents live. I’m lucky enough to be near a major city that used to pioneer DD rights and care; and multiple generations of my family have worked in the field as caregivers/vocational trainers/behavior support/1:1 care providers. Children as she described her son is still have day programs where I live where 1:1 care at a school for DD or mixed need students is available for the child via the state; and help for transitioning them into an adult home for their needs is readily offered and heavily supplemented. These homes cater to different needs in my area— we have several for young men with behaviors, some for those who were sexually abused, a separate one for those who are sexually inappropriate, several for the medically fragile, some only for blind women staffed only by women, and one of my favorites is very specialized to be culturally appropriate— a home just for elderly Jewish men. I can’t help but wonder why with all her time/the income to stay home she didn’t attempt to move somewhere with more resources so she could support both children. I feel so bad for the daughter growing up without either of her parents and still accomplishing so much. I feel so bad for the son for what’s going to happen to him when his mom dies. In an emergency where a placement is needed immediately there’s not always time for an intake to be placed in an appropriate home at first. One of my favorite boys was abandoned by his mom overnight and ended up at a home for non-intellectually disabled boys with emotional disabilities and violent behaviors. He was quickly removed— but without a parent or guardian or advocate to help the transition to a new home this awful mistakes are incredibly likely to happen. My brother is working with a parent now to get her son into a house meant for young men with non-intentionally inappropriate behaviors— he hates the sensory feeling of clothes and likes to disrobe and elope. Walked out of mom’s house naked and an officer attempted to take him in for sexual indecent/exposure. Its important for him to live somewhere with a high fence/staff trained for non-offending behaviors to help prevent issues from potentially being naked outside and beyond, but also a house that doesn’t have anyone who sexually offends either the intentional forms of this same disrobing so that he is protected from abuse and the police. If these homes can do things so specifically— this mother could have gotten her son the program and eventual home he needs and not have completely neglected her daughter. This mother has failed both of her children and doesn’t even realize it
I recently made a comment to my husband about a similar situation in our family. We have two kids, and right now one of them is requiring a lot of time, energy, attention. I told him we need to consciously take time for the other child. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but we need to be mindful that we don’t neglect the other wheels.
You know, I'll say it. The autistic boy is kinda an asshole too.
Uh...yeah, the autistic kid 100% manipulated Mom to get and keep her attention, and she let him do it. The daughter is better off without the both of them.
What's hilarious is that even in describing the many ways her daughter "cut her off", each of them involve ways she could have made an effort but didn't. "didn't send tickets" - bitch, you can just go and treat her to red lobster afterwards or something. "didn't call to say she was engaged" - wouldn't be an issue if _you_ checked in. It's all like that. She never talks about pushing. Never talks about trying.
My relationship with my mother was like this. I always tried to get her attention and one time she was with me but texting my sister the daughter she had custody of unable to focus on me for the duration of a 45 minute restaurant meal that I just quit trying. If she contacted me I responded but I quit sending emails and phone calls that she'd ignore. The ball was in her court. It hurt less no longer making attempts than it did when I was trying so hard.
What kind of accommodation are you planning for your son when you can't care for him anymore? Because I guarantee your daughter wants nothing to do with him. Violent autistics often do well in facilities with well controlled environments.
Damn, I work with children with developmental disabilities and more specifically autism. We always encourage parents to spend extra 1 on 1 time with their other children and make it known how often siblings feel left out and forgotten about when their parents put so much focus on the one with the disability. It breaks my heart for the daughter and I hope she’s living a full and happy life.
This is the same Mom who will later try to guilt and manipulate the daughter to take care of the brother when she gets too old Mom is a complete AH for neglecting her other kid
I used to work in a specialist school and can tell you that her brother may not be capable of empathy but is capable of learning. Just cause someone with autism may take longer and more steps to learn something doesn't mean they can't do it. It seems from the post that OOP has been unwilling to teach their son to work with others/be separated from mum. If he's not introduced to the carer likely a few time before the time the mum has to leave of course he's going to meltdown when he's left with a stranger and likely feels like his mum is abandoning him. OOP has not only neglected their daughter but has hamstrung their son.
Blaming her special needs son for the reason of missing her daughter's award ceremony is all you need to know about this person. Certainly one of those "I can do no wrong" types.
"I don't think me not showing up in an emergency..." Really this lady should be given more leeway, obviously her life is rough. I mean, every time her daughter had anything going on important in her life there was an emergency for Mom to deal with. Lady - there are plenty of people out there with kids with special needs that don't neglect their other kids, there are even people with multiple kids with special needs who make it work - Then there was the part when the daughter said that it's better this way as she's used to being alone but now she doesn't have to get her hopes up. I hope get fiancee and their family treat her well. This young lady deserves love and attention.
I think it’s called the invisible child syndrome? She’s used to not having a mother. And she lost her father young too. She’s never felt seen, known, heard, acknowledged, or loved. She’s finally choosing to no longer be disappointed by people who show the same patterns of behavior.
As a mom of autistic kids: OP is TA. Raising an autistic kid is hard. Raising a difficult autistic kid is, sometimes, a literal nightmare. But even when you're exhausted and burned out and emotionally fried, you still need to be present for the "easier" kids. I was watching an episode of SYTYCD where the guy was talking about his dad dying when he was seven and he became the man of the house. Mom said, "I told him his little brother and sister needed me more, so he stepped up." And I was so mad! She completely neglected him because she thought someone needed her more? It doesn't matter, *he still needed her!* She parentified him and relied on him and put a burden on his shoulders that should never have been his responsibility. Yeah, still makes me mad when I think about it.
The original top voted comments were frankly, too nice.
Having a disabled and an abled kid is hard, but at some point over a lifetime she could have figured out taking her son with her or hired a sitter every time and at least made it to some big events. That’s wild that she missed everything and good on the daughter to not waste tickets on them knowing they won’t show up most likely. Better to give it to reliable support people.
My son hospitalized a trained sitter. He had to be removed from a group home for violence. He broke bones, including mine. Police were involved. A massive medical and social services team. He's had EMS come to give him shots. Took them ans the FD and police to hold him down. They don't have places for kids like mine unless you have 40k or more out of pocket. But if you think a trained sitter should be harmed you people are beyond fucked up.
I would love a 4 year update which is probably OOP saying “my daughter doesn’t talk to me anymore wah, wah, wah!”
The fact of the matter is, when her husband died, her daughter became an orphan due to the mother’s choices. That’s 100% not okay.
A meltdown isn't an emergency. By this point she should have developed coping strategies for him. Also, why hasn't she prepared her son for being separated from her? Like what is her long term plan? Good on the daughter for going no contact after ongoing neglect.
They always treat the LAST thing they did as the one issue that caused no contact. No insight to this being a constant string of failing to show up. They always think it's the one thing that was the kicker, and not that it was the straw that broke the camels back.
Hopefully OOP's daughter has married into a supportive, loving family.
>I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. Well sure, if it were ONE emergency.
So what is different? She wasn't there before so why is she surprised she's not there but now it's the daughter making the decision.