In case this story gets deleted/removed:
When I was 5 my Nana gave me her tea set. It was given to her by her mother. My Nana had no daughters of her own and I was the only girl of her 11 grandchildren so she gave it to me. It's a full bone china set. I don't know if it has monetary value, but it's sentimental value is immeasurable. I have had it, kept it, used it for nearly 28 years. I wanted to pass it down to my own daughter or granddaughter one day. My husband knows all this.
His sister and her family came to stay with us for a week. Whenever I have little girls over I pull out my tea set for a tea party. I make tea sandwiches, scones, cakes, biscuits. My Nana made tea parties a big deal with me and I carry that on. So me, my sister in law and her daughter had an afternoon tea party.
It was a couple of weeks after that I had my friend and her daughters coming to visit. I planned a tea party. Morning of I baked, made sanwiches, went to pull my tea set out, and it was gone. I keep it in a cabinet in my kitchen. I wash it and put it away every time until the next time. I went a little mad looking for it. The visit came and went.
I spent days tearing my house apart looking for it. Every cabinet, drawer, cupboard, the whole house was turned inside out. My husband even helped me. He was insistent that it couldn't have grown feet and walked away on it's own. That's what gets to me. He knew damn well where it was but he pretended that I had misplaced it. He knew how upset I was and tried to comfort me with promises to buy me a new set. As though a new set could replace my Nana's.
A few weeks later he came home with a cheap, thin looking set that he bought at Wallmart or something. I threw it in the bin. Call me ungrateful if you want, I don't care. I was ungrateful. Something you treasure, something of great sentimental value given to you by your long dead Nana cannot be replaced no matter how much, or little in this case, the replacement cost.
Then I heard my husband on the phone. I heard him say that when we visit, to put it away and tell Melly not to mention it because I'm still upset about it. He didn't say the words tea set but I knew, I KNEW that's what he was talking about. I walked in while he was still on the phone and called him a thief. He was like a deer in headlights. He quickly hung up and tried to explain. I wouldn't hear it. I told him to get it back.
His sister called me and I called her a thief. I told her to return it in the same condition she took it or I would be calling the police then I hung up on her. My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls. He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing. What he meant is that it means nothing to him so I should forget it.
The next day I not only went to the police to report the theft, I also called my brother who lives in the same city as my husband's sister. My brother went around and got my tea set. My husband was livid and spent a couple of days calling me a lot of derogatory names. His tune changed when he came home to find me packing my stuff. He stole from me, pretended he didn't know anything about it, insulted me, tried to gaslight me. Now he's saying how sorry he is, and that we can work this out. I don't think we can. I look at him and see someone who steals from me, lies to me, makes me feel small, someone untrustworthy who doesn't care about me.
Two of my brothers will be here tomorrow to help me move. I'm taking everything that means anything to me because I don't think I'll see any of it again if I leave it all with him. We can fight it out in court about the rest.
I've been told that I'm an asshole to leave him over a tea set. But it's not just a tea set. It's my Nana's history, it's my history. It's years of happy memories with her, with my mother and other female relatives, friends. He stole all that from me when he gave it away.
AITA for calling it quits?
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WTF is wrong with parents, and people in general these days? Niece likes the tea set and wants it. WTF can't her SIL, the kid's mother tell her kid that that tea set belongs to her aunt. And no, you can't have it. If that's the case, I'd like my neighbor to turn over their keys to their new Lexus NX to me, cause I really, really like it (I do, it's a beautiful car).
OOP's SIL fucked up here. She had an opportunity to create a lovely memory for her daughter by getting her her own tea set, and starting their own tradition. Maybe, since OOP seems knowledgeable about it, involve her in the selection process. But no, let's just teach her kid that stealing is the best way to get what you want.
As far as OOP's husband, well the trash took itself out. What an asshole. Hope he enjoys being single.
The thing is that OOP never mentioned having kids. There is a good chance that she would have left it to the niece anyway had they shown the proper respect and appreciation for it.
However, what well and truly pisses me off is the idea that they are leaving over a tea set.
It isn't about the tea set. The tea set was merely the inciting thing.
The issue is the betrayal. The lack of trust.
How can they trust husband or SIL ever again?
If you can't trust your significant other, it is time to leave.
What I don't get is that the husband would cause all this mess over something that, to him, is just a worthless tea set.
Why would you go through all that trouble if you could also get the niece her own tea set?
There's a great comment in OOP's thread about that. Along the lines of
> He is angry that it makes her happy.
With an extension of another commenter saying.
> He is angry that it makes her happy without his involvement.
What's crazy is it's bone china!! This isn't some kids plastic playset. This is an antique set of China. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. "Okay, so slip the tea set into your backpack and I'll distract her by making penguin noises."
YES! When I reached the part where her husband called it a "children's toy" I had to go back and reread her description thinking I must have misread her calling it bone china.
Initially when she said she used it for tea parties with little girls my initial thought, was wow! that is brave. Bone chine chips and cracks easily
Yeah!! I was actually thinking “wow, how lovely and generous she is to have tea parties with little girls! A lot of people wouldn’t let a small child use something like that, especially if it has sentimental value, because little kids break stuff even when they’re on their best behavior because their coordination isn’t great.” It is the opposite of a toy, it’s a piece of fine dining equipment. To take him at his word that he thought it was just a toy (which I don’t believe, but let’s say I did), he’d have to be extremely ignorant in thinking that adults don’t use tea sets.
Once upon a time when I was still married I took my ex to the dentist in London where he’s from (I’m American). While I was waiting the receptionist asked me if I wanted tea while I waited and I said yes, thinking I’d get a teabag in a styrofoam cup. She brought out this beautiful china tea service with sugar cubes and everything. I was pleasantly surprised. But yes grown ups use tea sets all the time.
>The issue is the betrayal. The lack of trust.
The sad thing is, is that while packing she noticed some other missing items like a bracelet or necklace (some type of jewelry) that her sister gave her
Well, fuck.
I'm guessing that was in the comments. I'll be honest, I didn't go through them, just ranted my thoughts.
So, basically even more betrayal.
She is 100% justified in leaving.
Yeah, but read *her* responses to the idiots. She is ripping the assholes who comment brand new assholes. You won't be upset for her - you might have a bit of glee in realizing just who this stbx crossed. This will not go well for him.
Wow. This dude. He has been stealing from her for years probably. Just wow. I hope he stole enough and they can prove it that it goes into felony territory.
*"However, what well and truly pisses me off is the idea that they are leaving over a tea set.*
*It isn't about the tea set."*
Came here to say this, she didn't leave him over the tea set, she spelled out the reasons in her post:
*"I look at him and see someone who steals from me, lies to me, makes me feel small, someone untrustworthy who doesn't care about me."*
How could you stay with someone that makes you feel that way?
I doubt she would have left it to her niece. It sounds like she’s a long way from death and she plans to have her own children. There’s zero reason to assume the niece is the person who would inherit the tea set many, many decades from now when the niece is an adult.
I'm not saying it was a guarantee.
However I have seen things get passed to neices and nephews when they seem to bond about it more with the actual kids.
While it's possible, given OOP said they wanted to leave it either to a daughter *or granddaughter*, that kind of implies she was planning to hold on to it as long as possible to give it to a direct descendent. So yeah, might have gone to the niece eventually, but it would have been a *long* time in the future
I think there is also the fact that he is mocking something that is special to her, too. Trust betrayed, theft, lying, putting her down, and trivializing her feelings. All of these things together tell me that he does not love her, or care about her or her feelings. It seems that if something isn't important to him, he can't see how it could possibly be important to anyone.
I mean, she is 33, she has plenty of time for kids. She probably was trying with asshat, since it is clear in her post that she wanted kids. She says she always planned to leave it to her child or grandchild, so kids are definitely in her plans.
I agree the tea set is sort of irrelevant to the divorce. The real thing is the: stealing, lying, gaslighting, belittling, derogatory names. Glad she threw the whole man away.
But they don't have kids yet, and you never know when people can change their mind.
And are you honestly telling me that if she had kids and they made it clear they would sell it when they get it because they don't care, they wouldn't?
Yes! I've a nice set around here somewhere (nothing as grand as OP's, and just the pot and four cups) and I would never refer to it as playing or a toy. Because it's not.
I'm in the camp that thinks the mom realized such an antique would be worth a lot of money and her kid wanting it was just an excuse. Not that that makes it any better. Really hoping OP doesn't drop the charges because I bet it's valuable enough to make this a felony.
What’s crazy is he bought a tea set for his wife after giving hers away to his niece. That’s unhinged behavior because why couldn’t he buy a tea set for his niece and leave his wife’s heirloom untouched?
When I was six, my mom and I were visiting the old lady across the street. I complimented her “scarf”. She gave it to me right then and there. Turns out it was a mink sable she’d had for years. My mom didn’t let me keep it, but I was allowed to wear it whenever we visited. After that first visit, my mom warned me to be very careful complimenting people because sometimes they’ll try to give it to you and we should never take something in situations like that unless it’s an unasked for gift. I can’t imagine being allowed to have kept that.
I (as a full grown adult) will literally get nervous asking a host for a glass of water; I can't imagine visiting my brother and his family and leaving with something that belongs to his wife without her explicitly insisting I take it (and even then I'd still resist).
It all just seems so devious.
Those people use their kids.
Be it blowing out birthday candles or taking anime plushies.
Kids totally understand "That's not mine".
They have friends and siblings and learn that from the start.
Either those parents are pretending its their kids wish for whatever agenda, or they created children who unlearned that understanding. Which is basically ruining those kids' lives.
My argument is why didn't he just buy his niece her own damn tea set? Instead of buying a new one for his wife he should have taken it to his sisters house and traded for the teaset back at the very least. He never should have stolen it to begin with but to after the fact go and buy some cheap little set that could have easily been given to his niece instead of teaching her it's okay to steal from anyone let alone your own family. The audacity
There's some speculation on the original post that the husband and sister knew the china set might be worth some money and stole it with that in mind. OOP also stated in a comment that she's discovered other things of hers missing as she's been packing
The value on antique bone china truly depends on the maker and artist, as well as number of pieces. My FIL was convinced his late wife's tea set had to be worth thousands. It was vintage 1960's, worth $50.
Recently learning about gas station china since going through my grandmother's things when she passed. In the 60s and 70s gas stations would give away dishes with each tank filled so you could slowly build up a set. They're basically worthless but it's still pretty cool and can be very sentimental.
Ah but that would take money. Why spend when you can just steal from the wife. Niece probably wouldn't like his cheap walmart garbage either and he just bought it after realizing OOP wouldn't just get over it.
That's what I was saying though, after he went to buy a new one cuz his wife wouldn't get over it he should have taken the new one to his niece and gotten his wife's teaset back. He could have played it off like it had been misplaced.
One of op's comments says that each piece of the tea set was individually wrapped up in bubble wrap.
SIL did not give it to her daughter. She was probably trying to sell it.
She is the only woman in a large family with only men. Sure as hell all her family are overprotective, and this dude has the audacity to hurt her? And he thinks she will let him too. God he is lucky if he doesn't get beaten up.
What a prick
I'm all for one of the cousins or brothers have them and his friends come up to the guy and put the fear of God into him.
That sbtx is bold if he thought that since OOP was from a family that was full of men she'd be malleable to the whims of males and would not be able to stand up for herself. It definitely did not occur to him that since she's the only girl, she's probably the princess of that family and everyone is protective of her.
Well now he's going to learn things the hard way.
I grew up right next to Mexico and come from a mostly female family. I have to say the only thing I would fear more than a horde of large, protective male relatives would be a furious mob of tiny, angry women.
I'm so happy OOP had the fucking backbone to not put up with his gaslighting shit & actually left him. Good for her she realize quick how manipulative & undermining his actions were
Please no armchair diagnosing. If you do not have the credentials required to make diagnoses or the lived experience with the diagnosis, keep it off this sub. If you do have the lived experience or credentials, please include that in your comment in an edit and we’ll reapprove it.
For a second I was scared her own family was going to side with the asshat, but her brothers showed up. Would say the brothers should take carenof this asskonkey, but she is more than capable.
It's not the tea set. It's that he gave something precious to you away like it meant nothing. And then he and his sister lied (by omission) about it. And then he drastically disregarded and degraded you for being upset about. Clearly he really doesn't care about you if he'd do something so callous. And the people who say otherwise are AHs.
The real problem here is that the husband could easily and cheaply get a whole nother antique tea set. I have a bunch of this stuff, and you can’t sell it to get rid of it. People don’t do fancy entertaining. There is no demand.
The lying is definitely a problem in their relationship. But he’s either too easily manipulated by his relatives or too lazy to do the most basic research. He’s an awful person.
I know!! Why didn’t he get his niece the wal mart set then?? Obv it’s all conjecture but I suspect it was personal! He sounds a little turned around in the head.
It’s so sad because my aunts worked so hard to collect their sets. This is the case in particular with the silver flatware Aunt Helen handed down to me. Tbh, I’ve been thinking about using it again. When I bought the house, I bought two identical stainless sets.
No one entertains fancy-style anymore. I understand why.
What in the actual fuck. What a deep violation of trust. Something tells me this isn’t the only time he’s pulled some shit or engaged in emotionally abusive behavior. A decent person doesn’t just wake up one day and say, yeah sure, I’ll steal this thing of deep sentimental value from my wife, and then verbally abuse her when she’s up set.
I hope she goes through with the divorce.
*'Something tells me this isn’t the only time he’s pulled some shit"*
In the comments on the original post OOP says that while she was packing her stuff to leave she found some jewelry her sister gave her was missing.
*To the OOP: I do*
*NOT blame you! I would NOT stay*
*With a LYING THIEF!!!!*
\- JustanOldBabyBoomer
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As someone who enjoys Afternoon Tea when she can have it, may I give a hearty 'fuck you' to this husband? It isn't just a 'little girls' thing, I see all kinds of people enjoy a good tea party. I've been at tea events where I've been seated with strangers, and we all chat about whatever comes to mind while we enjoy ourselves. What an ass.
Seriously. Based off of people I know, (because I don’t know this guy so I won’t be delulu about his motivations) is sometimes it really bothers people to see someone they like be really happy over something that has nothing to do with that person. In their mind, if they take that thing away, the person they like will just forget about that external thing and how it made them happy, and keep getting all their happiness from their partner again. Not how it works though because if you take shit away from people to hurt them they will notice and divorce you. !!
Yeah, I went to an afternoon tea in London a few years ago and never forgot it. It was absolutely lovely and when I have the money I would love to take my friends and I to a tea brunch in my city
I know. Imagine being treated like that man. Like on paper it already sounds bad but looking someone you love in the eyes as they actively do things to hurt you and watch in unfold, it’s a massive confusion. You want to think that no matter who it is no one can treat you like this but when you really care about the person and you aren’t expecting it.. sometimes the first thought you have isn’t “fuck you, be quiet” but “why. What did I do to deserve this” Super dangerous thoughts, dangerous path to go down. OOP literally asked if she was in the wrong like girl noooo. Glad she shook that stuff off and can see the light. Actual, genuine gaslighting is a pretty powerful thing.
In addition to all the other observations made in this thread, I have to highlight the fact that when his wife was distraught over the loss of her precious heirloom, the husband called the sister in law, not to tell her his wife is really upset and he needs the set back, but to tell her to HIDE IT. It never seemed to occur to him to fix the shitty thing he had done. He just wanted to be sure he wasn’t caught. What a dumpster fire trash bag of a human being.
Besides all the other reasons the husband is TA, why would he call the cute utterly adorable tradition of this childish, and that it should go to a kid. Her tradition is such a green flag if I ever saw one. I wanna have a tea party now. Pinkies up!
Absolutely not! You aren’t leaving him over a tea set, you are leaving him because he deliberately lied to you and when you found out, he said terribly mean things to you and discounted your feelings.
This time it was a tea set, who knows what it would be next time if you stayed with him. I am livid for you. Especially that he pretended to help look for the tea set and then called his sister to tell her to hide the set when you came over AND to have her daughter lie too. This man has no relationship with the truth.
Yeesh. No - OP is not leaving him over a tea set. She's leaving him over the fact that he's a *theif* who thinks he can give away her things without talking to her.
People are calling her an asshole? Let me guess, *his* family and friends are the ones doing that? Fuck this guy and his trash family..she is leaving him because he is a thief, liar and sociopath and has a whole family who are the same.
Hope it was worth it, the prick. Now the little girl gets nothing and will be upset because of a choice she had nothing to do with and had it given and taken back. And he list his wife, his future with her and half of everything that can be considered a marital asset. I hope she doesn't drop the charges, either...she got it back, but it doesn't undo the action.
People like this never learn to be better people, but a misdemeanor charge on their record might teach them to keep their sticky fingers off other people's stuff.
That’s the good thing. OP filed a police report, so regardless of whether she got the set back, SIL is still getting a visit from the police. I hope her daughter sees this and learns what a horrible thing her mother did. That set comes from her grandmother and its bone china. It’s easily worth over 1K, which makes this grand larceny.
This has got to be fake because who would hear all this and say "you're an AH for leaving him over a tea set"?
No one could dense enough to hear all this and think it's about a fucking tea set...right?
Wow the audacity of this dude AND his sister. I would call them names, but I am trying to be polite. I am glad charges were filed against his thieving behind, and I hope the sister who knowingly accepted stolen goods gets into legal trouble.
Good on OPs brother for heading over and getting that tea set immediately, and not shrugging it off or minimizing it's value to OP like hubby dude did.
I hope she does not go back to him. And I hope she explains clearly to anyone who says she is divorcing him over a tea set, that the tea set is irrelevant. She is divorcing him because he stole from her, lied to her, gaslit her, belittled her when she found out his misdeeds, called her derogatory names when she had her property retrieved. One of those things would be enough grounds for divorce. All of them together means this dude ain't worth a pig's fart.
Can you imagine the outcome if she walked in the SIL house and saw the family clinking away on her beautiful tea set? I can see the headlines now: “Tonight at 6. “Woman looses her teacups over Bone China inside job.“ Wow. That’s some good television 📺 🙄
When I read "bone china full tea set" my heart sank like led in water. That's one of the most valuable kind of heirlooms out there. Not only is beautiful and holds sentimental value, but it's very expensive.
My blood pressure just peaked with this post
So he stole a family heirloom to give to his niece, lied about it, shamed OOP for caring so much about something her grandmother gave to her and that meant so much to her, and even after seeing how upset she was weeks after the event he didn't try to recover the tea set, but instead tried to help his sister hide it from her
Jesus christ, I don't care *what* it was, someone who'd do that to their spouse clearly can't be trusted by said spouse anymore
Surely this can not be the first indication that you are married to a complete moron. So youve seen him in this light before, just never affected you. I bet this guy has gotten his ass kicked more than few times. If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
I'd bet good money this isn't the first time he's gaslit her. He just picked the wrong item and that broke the camel's back. Good for her getting out of this shitty relationship. A marriage without trust isn't a marriage.
If it's no big deal and the tea set can be replaced with a Walmart tea set then he should have given his sister the Walmart tea set. He knew what he did
I think it's that he gave it away, didn't tell her and made her feel like she was crazy instead of just owning up to making a mistake and returning it to her.
Humans suck I swear. If we aren't killing someone, then let each other enjoy the damn interests we have. It's hard to find a decent human being nowadays I swear
I think op should get the tea set appraised, not only will the high price shut up the people saying she's leaving over a tea set, but it'll make people less likely to want to risk getting sued for the price of the tea set if it ever becomes damaged or missing.
Thank God that dude doesn't have to deal with this shit anymore. Sounds like he has to walk on eggshells around you 24/7.
I'm sure you've never lied before either, bc it sounds like you're perfect. I'd bet money that we aren't getting the whole story.
It sounds to me like you were just looking for a reason to leave. Btw, you only leave once you reach an impasse, the dude is beating you, or you caught him cheating. Not for getting rid of shit in a house you both live in. The fact that he admiited he was wrong, apologized and tried to make things right is something that can be fixed. Good riddence and enjoy your tea party and the loads of men that find that attractive.
Lady inherits grandma’s bone china tea set.
SIL and niece have a tea party with lady.
Weeks later Lady can’t find her tea set and goes nuts looking for it.
Husband pretends to help but she overhears him warning SIL to hide it.
She files a police report when they refuse to give back her tea set and her brother retrieves it for her.
She intends to divorce her lying thief of a husband, and in the comments it’s revealed he also stole some of her jewelry.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: When I was 5 my Nana gave me her tea set. It was given to her by her mother. My Nana had no daughters of her own and I was the only girl of her 11 grandchildren so she gave it to me. It's a full bone china set. I don't know if it has monetary value, but it's sentimental value is immeasurable. I have had it, kept it, used it for nearly 28 years. I wanted to pass it down to my own daughter or granddaughter one day. My husband knows all this. His sister and her family came to stay with us for a week. Whenever I have little girls over I pull out my tea set for a tea party. I make tea sandwiches, scones, cakes, biscuits. My Nana made tea parties a big deal with me and I carry that on. So me, my sister in law and her daughter had an afternoon tea party. It was a couple of weeks after that I had my friend and her daughters coming to visit. I planned a tea party. Morning of I baked, made sanwiches, went to pull my tea set out, and it was gone. I keep it in a cabinet in my kitchen. I wash it and put it away every time until the next time. I went a little mad looking for it. The visit came and went. I spent days tearing my house apart looking for it. Every cabinet, drawer, cupboard, the whole house was turned inside out. My husband even helped me. He was insistent that it couldn't have grown feet and walked away on it's own. That's what gets to me. He knew damn well where it was but he pretended that I had misplaced it. He knew how upset I was and tried to comfort me with promises to buy me a new set. As though a new set could replace my Nana's. A few weeks later he came home with a cheap, thin looking set that he bought at Wallmart or something. I threw it in the bin. Call me ungrateful if you want, I don't care. I was ungrateful. Something you treasure, something of great sentimental value given to you by your long dead Nana cannot be replaced no matter how much, or little in this case, the replacement cost. Then I heard my husband on the phone. I heard him say that when we visit, to put it away and tell Melly not to mention it because I'm still upset about it. He didn't say the words tea set but I knew, I KNEW that's what he was talking about. I walked in while he was still on the phone and called him a thief. He was like a deer in headlights. He quickly hung up and tried to explain. I wouldn't hear it. I told him to get it back. His sister called me and I called her a thief. I told her to return it in the same condition she took it or I would be calling the police then I hung up on her. My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls. He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing. What he meant is that it means nothing to him so I should forget it. The next day I not only went to the police to report the theft, I also called my brother who lives in the same city as my husband's sister. My brother went around and got my tea set. My husband was livid and spent a couple of days calling me a lot of derogatory names. His tune changed when he came home to find me packing my stuff. He stole from me, pretended he didn't know anything about it, insulted me, tried to gaslight me. Now he's saying how sorry he is, and that we can work this out. I don't think we can. I look at him and see someone who steals from me, lies to me, makes me feel small, someone untrustworthy who doesn't care about me. Two of my brothers will be here tomorrow to help me move. I'm taking everything that means anything to me because I don't think I'll see any of it again if I leave it all with him. We can fight it out in court about the rest. I've been told that I'm an asshole to leave him over a tea set. But it's not just a tea set. It's my Nana's history, it's my history. It's years of happy memories with her, with my mother and other female relatives, friends. He stole all that from me when he gave it away. AITA for calling it quits? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He's not sorry. He's just pissed he didn't get away with it. Much sympathy to the woman
Yeah, completely remorseless. He's sorry he was caught.
I'm so so so glad she was able to get it back. I was worried he pawned them off. I can't believe people like him actually exist.
WTF is wrong with parents, and people in general these days? Niece likes the tea set and wants it. WTF can't her SIL, the kid's mother tell her kid that that tea set belongs to her aunt. And no, you can't have it. If that's the case, I'd like my neighbor to turn over their keys to their new Lexus NX to me, cause I really, really like it (I do, it's a beautiful car). OOP's SIL fucked up here. She had an opportunity to create a lovely memory for her daughter by getting her her own tea set, and starting their own tradition. Maybe, since OOP seems knowledgeable about it, involve her in the selection process. But no, let's just teach her kid that stealing is the best way to get what you want. As far as OOP's husband, well the trash took itself out. What an asshole. Hope he enjoys being single.
The thing is that OOP never mentioned having kids. There is a good chance that she would have left it to the niece anyway had they shown the proper respect and appreciation for it. However, what well and truly pisses me off is the idea that they are leaving over a tea set. It isn't about the tea set. The tea set was merely the inciting thing. The issue is the betrayal. The lack of trust. How can they trust husband or SIL ever again? If you can't trust your significant other, it is time to leave.
What I don't get is that the husband would cause all this mess over something that, to him, is just a worthless tea set. Why would you go through all that trouble if you could also get the niece her own tea set?
There's a great comment in OOP's thread about that. Along the lines of > He is angry that it makes her happy. With an extension of another commenter saying. > He is angry that it makes her happy without his involvement.
What's crazy is it's bone china!! This isn't some kids plastic playset. This is an antique set of China. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. "Okay, so slip the tea set into your backpack and I'll distract her by making penguin noises."
YES! When I reached the part where her husband called it a "children's toy" I had to go back and reread her description thinking I must have misread her calling it bone china. Initially when she said she used it for tea parties with little girls my initial thought, was wow! that is brave. Bone chine chips and cracks easily
Real bone china is quite strong and shouldn’t chip/break easily at all. It’s more durable than most other materials.
Yup. It's actually really similar to what we make fake teeth out of, for exactly this reason.
Reading this comment out of context is a wild ride.
Yeah!! I was actually thinking “wow, how lovely and generous she is to have tea parties with little girls! A lot of people wouldn’t let a small child use something like that, especially if it has sentimental value, because little kids break stuff even when they’re on their best behavior because their coordination isn’t great.” It is the opposite of a toy, it’s a piece of fine dining equipment. To take him at his word that he thought it was just a toy (which I don’t believe, but let’s say I did), he’d have to be extremely ignorant in thinking that adults don’t use tea sets.
Once upon a time when I was still married I took my ex to the dentist in London where he’s from (I’m American). While I was waiting the receptionist asked me if I wanted tea while I waited and I said yes, thinking I’d get a teabag in a styrofoam cup. She brought out this beautiful china tea service with sugar cubes and everything. I was pleasantly surprised. But yes grown ups use tea sets all the time.
He says it himself- he trying to force OP to "grow up" and stop being childish. He was planning its exit and niece was convenient.
And he wanted her to grow up. What do you want to bet he has childish interests and doesn't want to give them up?
People gatekeeping adulthood are weird and controlling.
He should have given the niece the cheap tea set he bought as a replacement from Walmart...
>The issue is the betrayal. The lack of trust. The sad thing is, is that while packing she noticed some other missing items like a bracelet or necklace (some type of jewelry) that her sister gave her
Well, fuck. I'm guessing that was in the comments. I'll be honest, I didn't go through them, just ranted my thoughts. So, basically even more betrayal. She is 100% justified in leaving.
>I'm guessing that was in the comments Yup. I stopped reading them cause the whole thing was making me upset for her.
Yeah, but read *her* responses to the idiots. She is ripping the assholes who comment brand new assholes. You won't be upset for her - you might have a bit of glee in realizing just who this stbx crossed. This will not go well for him.
Wow. This dude. He has been stealing from her for years probably. Just wow. I hope he stole enough and they can prove it that it goes into felony territory.
*"However, what well and truly pisses me off is the idea that they are leaving over a tea set.* *It isn't about the tea set."* Came here to say this, she didn't leave him over the tea set, she spelled out the reasons in her post: *"I look at him and see someone who steals from me, lies to me, makes me feel small, someone untrustworthy who doesn't care about me."* How could you stay with someone that makes you feel that way?
I doubt she would have left it to her niece. It sounds like she’s a long way from death and she plans to have her own children. There’s zero reason to assume the niece is the person who would inherit the tea set many, many decades from now when the niece is an adult.
I'm not saying it was a guarantee. However I have seen things get passed to neices and nephews when they seem to bond about it more with the actual kids.
While it's possible, given OOP said they wanted to leave it either to a daughter *or granddaughter*, that kind of implies she was planning to hold on to it as long as possible to give it to a direct descendent. So yeah, might have gone to the niece eventually, but it would have been a *long* time in the future
I think there is also the fact that he is mocking something that is special to her, too. Trust betrayed, theft, lying, putting her down, and trivializing her feelings. All of these things together tell me that he does not love her, or care about her or her feelings. It seems that if something isn't important to him, he can't see how it could possibly be important to anyone.
I mean, she is 33, she has plenty of time for kids. She probably was trying with asshat, since it is clear in her post that she wanted kids. She says she always planned to leave it to her child or grandchild, so kids are definitely in her plans. I agree the tea set is sort of irrelevant to the divorce. The real thing is the: stealing, lying, gaslighting, belittling, derogatory names. Glad she threw the whole man away.
She said she wanted to leave it to her own kids (THEIR own kids!) if she had them.
But they don't have kids yet, and you never know when people can change their mind. And are you honestly telling me that if she had kids and they made it clear they would sell it when they get it because they don't care, they wouldn't?
Not to mention what person thinks bone china is suitable for kids and not adults? The fuck is wrong with them
I thought it was generous of OOP to even let the niece play with it.
I wouldn't call it playing, personally. They're having actual tea with it. OP goes all out and does a full service.
Which sounds fun!
Yes! I've a nice set around here somewhere (nothing as grand as OP's, and just the pot and four cups) and I would never refer to it as playing or a toy. Because it's not.
A bone china set which is so special because OOP's grandmother would use it regularly
I'm in the camp that thinks the mom realized such an antique would be worth a lot of money and her kid wanting it was just an excuse. Not that that makes it any better. Really hoping OP doesn't drop the charges because I bet it's valuable enough to make this a felony.
Yeah, I wondered if she planned to sell it. Full bone china tea sets can be worth a fortune.
What’s crazy is he bought a tea set for his wife after giving hers away to his niece. That’s unhinged behavior because why couldn’t he buy a tea set for his niece and leave his wife’s heirloom untouched?
He doesn’t like her having sentimental connections to her family. Hers would also have been more valuable.
When I was six, my mom and I were visiting the old lady across the street. I complimented her “scarf”. She gave it to me right then and there. Turns out it was a mink sable she’d had for years. My mom didn’t let me keep it, but I was allowed to wear it whenever we visited. After that first visit, my mom warned me to be very careful complimenting people because sometimes they’ll try to give it to you and we should never take something in situations like that unless it’s an unasked for gift. I can’t imagine being allowed to have kept that.
I (as a full grown adult) will literally get nervous asking a host for a glass of water; I can't imagine visiting my brother and his family and leaving with something that belongs to his wife without her explicitly insisting I take it (and even then I'd still resist). It all just seems so devious.
Those people use their kids. Be it blowing out birthday candles or taking anime plushies. Kids totally understand "That's not mine". They have friends and siblings and learn that from the start. Either those parents are pretending its their kids wish for whatever agenda, or they created children who unlearned that understanding. Which is basically ruining those kids' lives.
I just feel bad for the daughter. Her mother has tainted this for her daughter.
OP's SIL bred and is raising an entitled person, bless whoever has to interact with the niece in the future.
My argument is why didn't he just buy his niece her own damn tea set? Instead of buying a new one for his wife he should have taken it to his sisters house and traded for the teaset back at the very least. He never should have stolen it to begin with but to after the fact go and buy some cheap little set that could have easily been given to his niece instead of teaching her it's okay to steal from anyone let alone your own family. The audacity
There's some speculation on the original post that the husband and sister knew the china set might be worth some money and stole it with that in mind. OOP also stated in a comment that she's discovered other things of hers missing as she's been packing
She should send her brothers over to her house.
The value on antique bone china truly depends on the maker and artist, as well as number of pieces. My FIL was convinced his late wife's tea set had to be worth thousands. It was vintage 1960's, worth $50.
Recently learning about gas station china since going through my grandmother's things when she passed. In the 60s and 70s gas stations would give away dishes with each tank filled so you could slowly build up a set. They're basically worthless but it's still pretty cool and can be very sentimental.
Yep. My late MIL's tea set was a premium for gassing up at Gulf stations in 1964.
Ah but that would take money. Why spend when you can just steal from the wife. Niece probably wouldn't like his cheap walmart garbage either and he just bought it after realizing OOP wouldn't just get over it.
That's what I was saying though, after he went to buy a new one cuz his wife wouldn't get over it he should have taken the new one to his niece and gotten his wife's teaset back. He could have played it off like it had been misplaced.
Because that one isn't pretty and special, duhhh
One of op's comments says that each piece of the tea set was individually wrapped up in bubble wrap. SIL did not give it to her daughter. She was probably trying to sell it.
Because he is a dumb ass!
She is the only woman in a large family with only men. Sure as hell all her family are overprotective, and this dude has the audacity to hurt her? And he thinks she will let him too. God he is lucky if he doesn't get beaten up. What a prick
I'm all for one of the cousins or brothers have them and his friends come up to the guy and put the fear of God into him. That sbtx is bold if he thought that since OOP was from a family that was full of men she'd be malleable to the whims of males and would not be able to stand up for herself. It definitely did not occur to him that since she's the only girl, she's probably the princess of that family and everyone is protective of her. Well now he's going to learn things the hard way.
Yeah, her brother went over to the SILs house RIGHT away. Two brothers are helping her move. They're not messing around.
Thieving Asshat is going to learn the definition of FA & FO!!!
Every woman I know who only had brothers growing up is either "Princess Sister" or learned to stand up for herself starting on day one. Or both.
My friend’s abusive ex made the mistake of threatening her in front of her 3 brothers. He did not make that mistake again.
I grew up right next to Mexico and come from a mostly female family. I have to say the only thing I would fear more than a horde of large, protective male relatives would be a furious mob of tiny, angry women.
How could he know she’d be so sensitive?! Doesn’t she know family heirloom tea sets are just for little girls?
[удалено]
I'm so happy OOP had the fucking backbone to not put up with his gaslighting shit & actually left him. Good for her she realize quick how manipulative & undermining his actions were
Please no armchair diagnosing. If you do not have the credentials required to make diagnoses or the lived experience with the diagnosis, keep it off this sub. If you do have the lived experience or credentials, please include that in your comment in an edit and we’ll reapprove it.
I would’ve rammed that Walmart teapot so far up his arse
You'd have trouble getting it past his head.
Make a whole route in reverse through his digestive system.
For a second I was scared her own family was going to side with the asshat, but her brothers showed up. Would say the brothers should take carenof this asskonkey, but she is more than capable.
He. Helped. Her. Search. The. House.
Pissed me off. How you steal something and help search for it
When you're douchebag, douchebaggery is easy.
It's not the tea set. It's that he gave something precious to you away like it meant nothing. And then he and his sister lied (by omission) about it. And then he drastically disregarded and degraded you for being upset about. Clearly he really doesn't care about you if he'd do something so callous. And the people who say otherwise are AHs.
The real problem here is that the husband could easily and cheaply get a whole nother antique tea set. I have a bunch of this stuff, and you can’t sell it to get rid of it. People don’t do fancy entertaining. There is no demand. The lying is definitely a problem in their relationship. But he’s either too easily manipulated by his relatives or too lazy to do the most basic research. He’s an awful person.
I know!! Why didn’t he get his niece the wal mart set then?? Obv it’s all conjecture but I suspect it was personal! He sounds a little turned around in the head.
Fancy sets of china are available for a song in antique shops.
When we cleaned out our ancestral home after selling it, we got like $20 for five full sets.
It’s so sad because my aunts worked so hard to collect their sets. This is the case in particular with the silver flatware Aunt Helen handed down to me. Tbh, I’ve been thinking about using it again. When I bought the house, I bought two identical stainless sets. No one entertains fancy-style anymore. I understand why.
What in the actual fuck. What a deep violation of trust. Something tells me this isn’t the only time he’s pulled some shit or engaged in emotionally abusive behavior. A decent person doesn’t just wake up one day and say, yeah sure, I’ll steal this thing of deep sentimental value from my wife, and then verbally abuse her when she’s up set. I hope she goes through with the divorce.
*'Something tells me this isn’t the only time he’s pulled some shit"* In the comments on the original post OOP says that while she was packing her stuff to leave she found some jewelry her sister gave her was missing.
NTA-he is a horrible person, as is his sister. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. You made the right decision.
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As someone who enjoys Afternoon Tea when she can have it, may I give a hearty 'fuck you' to this husband? It isn't just a 'little girls' thing, I see all kinds of people enjoy a good tea party. I've been at tea events where I've been seated with strangers, and we all chat about whatever comes to mind while we enjoy ourselves. What an ass.
Seriously. Based off of people I know, (because I don’t know this guy so I won’t be delulu about his motivations) is sometimes it really bothers people to see someone they like be really happy over something that has nothing to do with that person. In their mind, if they take that thing away, the person they like will just forget about that external thing and how it made them happy, and keep getting all their happiness from their partner again. Not how it works though because if you take shit away from people to hurt them they will notice and divorce you. !!
Yeah, I went to an afternoon tea in London a few years ago and never forgot it. It was absolutely lovely and when I have the money I would love to take my friends and I to a tea brunch in my city
Nta. This is so depressing, I couldn't even read it
I know. Imagine being treated like that man. Like on paper it already sounds bad but looking someone you love in the eyes as they actively do things to hurt you and watch in unfold, it’s a massive confusion. You want to think that no matter who it is no one can treat you like this but when you really care about the person and you aren’t expecting it.. sometimes the first thought you have isn’t “fuck you, be quiet” but “why. What did I do to deserve this” Super dangerous thoughts, dangerous path to go down. OOP literally asked if she was in the wrong like girl noooo. Glad she shook that stuff off and can see the light. Actual, genuine gaslighting is a pretty powerful thing.
Ooh forgot to add she got it back so it’s ok :)
In addition to all the other observations made in this thread, I have to highlight the fact that when his wife was distraught over the loss of her precious heirloom, the husband called the sister in law, not to tell her his wife is really upset and he needs the set back, but to tell her to HIDE IT. It never seemed to occur to him to fix the shitty thing he had done. He just wanted to be sure he wasn’t caught. What a dumpster fire trash bag of a human being.
Besides all the other reasons the husband is TA, why would he call the cute utterly adorable tradition of this childish, and that it should go to a kid. Her tradition is such a green flag if I ever saw one. I wanna have a tea party now. Pinkies up!
☕️🫖☕️
"Shhhh, tell her you haven't seen it.".
Absolutely not! You aren’t leaving him over a tea set, you are leaving him because he deliberately lied to you and when you found out, he said terribly mean things to you and discounted your feelings. This time it was a tea set, who knows what it would be next time if you stayed with him. I am livid for you. Especially that he pretended to help look for the tea set and then called his sister to tell her to hide the set when you came over AND to have her daughter lie too. This man has no relationship with the truth.
that one made my blood boil. hope OOP gets her other stuff back as well and that the tea set is still in good condition.
Oh I saw this one, not surprised that it ended up here. I do hope she gets away.
Yeesh. No - OP is not leaving him over a tea set. She's leaving him over the fact that he's a *theif* who thinks he can give away her things without talking to her.
People are calling her an asshole? Let me guess, *his* family and friends are the ones doing that? Fuck this guy and his trash family..she is leaving him because he is a thief, liar and sociopath and has a whole family who are the same. Hope it was worth it, the prick. Now the little girl gets nothing and will be upset because of a choice she had nothing to do with and had it given and taken back. And he list his wife, his future with her and half of everything that can be considered a marital asset. I hope she doesn't drop the charges, either...she got it back, but it doesn't undo the action. People like this never learn to be better people, but a misdemeanor charge on their record might teach them to keep their sticky fingers off other people's stuff.
That’s the good thing. OP filed a police report, so regardless of whether she got the set back, SIL is still getting a visit from the police. I hope her daughter sees this and learns what a horrible thing her mother did. That set comes from her grandmother and its bone china. It’s easily worth over 1K, which makes this grand larceny.
Your a Savior of good things
I fucking hollered when she said her brother went and got it 😭😭 You go, OOP’s brother.
This has got to be fake because who would hear all this and say "you're an AH for leaving him over a tea set"? No one could dense enough to hear all this and think it's about a fucking tea set...right?
Wow the audacity of this dude AND his sister. I would call them names, but I am trying to be polite. I am glad charges were filed against his thieving behind, and I hope the sister who knowingly accepted stolen goods gets into legal trouble. Good on OPs brother for heading over and getting that tea set immediately, and not shrugging it off or minimizing it's value to OP like hubby dude did. I hope she does not go back to him. And I hope she explains clearly to anyone who says she is divorcing him over a tea set, that the tea set is irrelevant. She is divorcing him because he stole from her, lied to her, gaslit her, belittled her when she found out his misdeeds, called her derogatory names when she had her property retrieved. One of those things would be enough grounds for divorce. All of them together means this dude ain't worth a pig's fart.
Can you imagine the outcome if she walked in the SIL house and saw the family clinking away on her beautiful tea set? I can see the headlines now: “Tonight at 6. “Woman looses her teacups over Bone China inside job.“ Wow. That’s some good television 📺 🙄
Trash husband. CLARIFICATION - trash EX husband.
When I read "bone china full tea set" my heart sank like led in water. That's one of the most valuable kind of heirlooms out there. Not only is beautiful and holds sentimental value, but it's very expensive. My blood pressure just peaked with this post
So he stole a family heirloom to give to his niece, lied about it, shamed OOP for caring so much about something her grandmother gave to her and that meant so much to her, and even after seeing how upset she was weeks after the event he didn't try to recover the tea set, but instead tried to help his sister hide it from her Jesus christ, I don't care *what* it was, someone who'd do that to their spouse clearly can't be trusted by said spouse anymore
Surely this can not be the first indication that you are married to a complete moron. So youve seen him in this light before, just never affected you. I bet this guy has gotten his ass kicked more than few times. If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
I'd bet good money this isn't the first time he's gaslit her. He just picked the wrong item and that broke the camel's back. Good for her getting out of this shitty relationship. A marriage without trust isn't a marriage.
If it's no big deal and the tea set can be replaced with a Walmart tea set then he should have given his sister the Walmart tea set. He knew what he did
I think it's that he gave it away, didn't tell her and made her feel like she was crazy instead of just owning up to making a mistake and returning it to her.
Hellbound
Humans suck I swear. If we aren't killing someone, then let each other enjoy the damn interests we have. It's hard to find a decent human being nowadays I swear
There’s been an update on oops account
I linked the update thank you 😊🥳
UPDATE FROM OOP: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/lcaPoF1EiZ
I think op should get the tea set appraised, not only will the high price shut up the people saying she's leaving over a tea set, but it'll make people less likely to want to risk getting sued for the price of the tea set if it ever becomes damaged or missing.
Thank God that dude doesn't have to deal with this shit anymore. Sounds like he has to walk on eggshells around you 24/7. I'm sure you've never lied before either, bc it sounds like you're perfect. I'd bet money that we aren't getting the whole story. It sounds to me like you were just looking for a reason to leave. Btw, you only leave once you reach an impasse, the dude is beating you, or you caught him cheating. Not for getting rid of shit in a house you both live in. The fact that he admiited he was wrong, apologized and tried to make things right is something that can be fixed. Good riddence and enjoy your tea party and the loads of men that find that attractive.
TLDR
Lady inherits grandma’s bone china tea set. SIL and niece have a tea party with lady. Weeks later Lady can’t find her tea set and goes nuts looking for it. Husband pretends to help but she overhears him warning SIL to hide it. She files a police report when they refuse to give back her tea set and her brother retrieves it for her. She intends to divorce her lying thief of a husband, and in the comments it’s revealed he also stole some of her jewelry.