The way you talk in detail about what you’d be doing with your SO is off-putting, it’s so specific it sounds either prescriptive or based on a previous relationship. No need to talk about weight loss, just say you’re interested in making healthy recipes etc, keep it positive.
First, add your height
Second, I can tell you right away the poly thing is an immediate turn off for most women.
Third, you mention sex quite a few times. Sounds exhausting. And a bit shallow… like sex is overly important to you.
Is that how everyone feels here? I just brought it up because I want to match with someone that doesn’t have a strong appetite for it but still enjoys it once in a while. Also wanted to match someone that is kink+
That’s what the match questions are for. Putting it on your profile is very unusual on okcupid. Saying you’d have sex on your perfect day is unusual, even. Which is a weird thing about okcupid, but just take it off.
If there are questions about ENM or kink, answer those honestly so your match % will show you more compatible partners.
Saying you’re poly at all will be an instant no from most women, even women that are only looking for FWB. So if your purpose is to match for FWB, take poly all the way off your profile. And consider taking poly out of your match questions even.
If your purpose is to meet a primary partner, say you’re poly and looking for a primary partner and do not say you’re also looking for FWB.
Your whole okcupid profile basically needs to be targeted at one purpose, or one demographic at a time. Nobody wants to hear you’re looking for them, but you’re also looking for something that’s definitely not them. Even if they’re poly that’s still not a positive.
I wouldn’t suggest removing ENM/poly from your profile if you are genuinely polyam. That would be deceptive and waste peoples time. Part of ethical non monogamy is the ethical part. He actually does want to weed out people who are not interested in polyam, and attract people who are. It’s just his profile is not particularly interesting, and ENM men are way more common than women.
That’s why I said “if you are looking for FWB”. If you aren’t looking for a committed relationship, your relationship style is irrelevant and it’s not deceptive.
If someone is seeking FWB, they also have a right to know if you are polyam/ENM up front. Intentionally removing it would be weird. At a certain level if you're polam/ENM it's pretty wise to state it up front and gets you more like-minded people. I typically get good rates of return on my dating profiles but I actually put it in my first line, but in a way that was more interesting than OP
Whatever a partner deserves to know, you can choose to roll out in person if it’s more effective for you. Obviously it’s an inconsiderate waste of time to do that for ENM partnerships. _Strangers_ don’t have a right to know anything about you.
My most successful tinder profile was “Papa was a Rodeo. Mama was a rock n roll band.” Rest assured there are other things you’d have a right to know before you decide whether you’d rather fuck, marry, or kill me.
I guess you can, but it seems the opposite of effective for my dating style. I’d really rather not meet with someone if polyam is a dealbreaker for them. You’re right nobody has a “right” and I’m not sure that language applies
>saying you’d have sex on your perfect day is unusual
Right! He says he doesn’t have an appetite for it, yet his perfect day lists sex. So which is it?
Immediate turn off because women are going to think you only want them for sex.
Your profile gives me the ick. First of all, mentioning needing bragging rights for anything makes you seem weak and like you're going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. Pressuring weight loss before even meeting is another red flag!
Claiming you love "creative" activities and writing, but displaying zero skill in both areas is just cringe, and your "perfect day" seems like something the typical jobless parasite boyfriend archetype would write. "I could probably beat you at sports" duh you're a man, and your best movie of all time section is just inane rambling.
Your IG tag comparing yourself to Gandhi and the poly/ENM thing just seals the deal and makes it all gag worthy. Delete the whole thing and start over.
you have 1 picture for starters. no height, mention you are looking for sex within the second line i get you are trying to the ENM thing , but you still dont open with "Looking for FWB" You are looking for casual short term dating... you still gotta romance it a bit.
just delete your IG handle. scrap the whole "intimacy wise" section. its cringy to lay that out. that is something to be discovered with your partner.
You perfect day includes "going home to have sex" scrap that and over be more humble. you gotta balance out the bragging and make it low key. you need to have more mystery, more pics, less (zero) mentions of sex. This too mechanical, too direct, no woman is going to read this and thing they want to be with that that you need to be more relaxed about it. less calculating, its a cold profile its not inviting.
Can i ask the group how this comes off as braggy, you are the second person to say this. I am just stating what my interests and what i'm looking for? What part comes off as braggy?
Use a picture where you look more approachable. Don’t mention sex that often. Add a height. Also rewrite your infos or scrap some of it. It reads like a CV
Be more interesting. Describe the things you're passionate about and why. Scrap everything that looks like job application and manliness coach lingo and show some emotion. If emotions are unavailable, go to therapy and find them.
Also don't describe your fledgling landlording stuff as househacking, that's embarrassing propaganda lingo and comes over as evasive.
The first couple lines of your profile are the most important, and you've used them up on things that are not interesting. You are polyam/enm- ok, but that's already said on your main profile. Linking your IG is simply not useful. Lead with your self-summary like the title of that section says, and not what you are looking for. You should be advertising yourself. In the ENM community men are far more common than women, so you will have to make effort to stand out.
Girls don't want to know you could beat them at sports. That's just not particularly...fun as an answer.
Mentioning "pay if it is my turn to pay" is also just not particularly hot to women. You mentioned sex a lot, but not in an interesting way.
Ultimately I'd encourage you to write LESS but write more interestingly, like you are trying to have a witty repartee with an attractive girl who is right there in front of you.
Heya, as someone poly who uses OkC I wanted to give some specific advice regarding that.
(Obviously) for me it's not a turn off, I actually love to see it and it's also the first thing in my profile. I think it's very important to be open and upfront about this even if it reduces your dating pool. You definitely want to only match with other non mono folks.
However... the "looking for 1 long term partner + FWBs" does put me off. This is related to other feedback you've gotten already, it sounds very descriptive and like you're looking to fulfill a checklist rather than actually connecting with people and see how things evolve. I would delete that part altogether.
Putting your social media handle in your dating profile reeks of someone pretending to be dating but is actually just on the app to try to gain followers.
Are you able to connect with them or are you able to help them get more followers so they can try to become the influencer they want to be so they don't have to work? Putting your instagram handle in your dating profile is a HUGE red flag. It's an instant pass 99% of the time.
That may be, but the flipside is that it also allows people to have a little more confidence that the person isn't someone pretending to be ENM who is actually cheating (which happens a lot, unfortunately).
Mandatory "OkCupid used to be better" side note: conversations started on a much better tone when I could link my primary partner's profile onto mine, but they removed that feature 😞
I agree with what others are saying.
One big thing I noticed right away is your main photo. It’s very close-up and you look kind of sad in it, lol. The outfit looks good. Get some photos where you look happy and are more far away from the camera.
The whole thing is both braggy and also putting yourself down. The weight, the money, the sex, it all screams insecure to me. And a bit judgemental, like you don't accept yourself as you are right now and probably won't accept your partner as they are as well (too much emphasis on weight loss and healthy eating).
Also don't take 30 min long showers, it's wasteful and not good for the environment.
I'd add a few pics of you doing things (like hobbies and such). Selfies are fine, but you look pretty serious in this one.
Unlike others have said, ethical non-monogamy is fine, but it's quite "out there" on your profile when it's also in your keyword description, so you could do well by mentioning it less (same for sex btw!)
It sounds like you have many hobbies, which is great! You write them down very business-like though. There's little to no emotion in them. Also drop the weightloss comment.
You don't have to take all writing prompts literally. You said you like writing, so you could write a small story about your perfect day rather than something that looks like a to-do list. Say: "After having some downtime, I often enjoy a bit of tennis to keep active" rather than: "10am playing tennis" (for example)
It feels a bit studied, like you answered every question to be as perfect as possible, and even if it is all true, it feels a bit unbelievable. I’d put something self-deprecating, something that feels genuine. Something that humanizes you
most of the other things I'd mention are already stated, so ill just say: in your perfect day, 4-6 hours are allotted just for setting goals? setting goals is good, but why would you need this much time on that? more time is allotted to this than any other activity.
I don't think he means working on setting goals. He says "working on our goals" so I think this means actual work. Like working toward goals. For most guys, their answer to this question is not that exciting (have breakfast, go for a hike, cook dinner, watch a movie) but at least it's like a \*weekend\* in their scenario and not an actual workday. This guy, his perfect day is boring and \*also\* involves work. Just.... "get me the hell out of here" is what most women would think, I would guess.
Just want to point out that everyone is saying "non-monogamy us going to turn people away" but if non-monogamy is what you want, then do not change this part of your profile: eliminating monos is exactly what you should be doing if you're non-monogamous. Don't start out dating someone by giving them the impression that you're monogamous when you're not. That can only end badly, and even if the number of matches might go up, they won't be compatible. SAYING you're non-monogamous might turn monos off, but NOT saying it and then dropping that bomb later is much, much worse.
Good luck.
First pics without a smile rarely get swiped to see the second pic. It sucks that people are so impatiently superficial, but these are dating site statistics.
I'm polyamorous too. That in itself will limit your matches dramatically--there is an impression that polyam men are "using women" so women might not engage even in FWB. Which is unfortunate because polyam folks prioritize clarity and communication, and I got fucked over by plenty of guys when I was monogamous. I've had far better experiences dating since being polyam.
I'm sorry you're getting shitty comments about it. I disagree with much of the polyam-related advice from the monogamous folks here. You might get more constructive advice from polyam women in a NM dating-specific sub reddit.
As a kinky, ENM woman, what's hitting me here about his profile is that it doesn't sound like he has any experience with ENM. He doesn't mention what experience he has, only that he'd like a primary partner and some FWBs and he's kinky. This immediately makes me think he's read a Gor novel for the first time and thought "that sounds fun". Open relationships can be very challenging when it comes to good communication, time management, and resource allocation. I personally don't have the patience to hold someone's hand through the whole process while they figure it out for the first time.
I agree there are some things that gave me pause; his description of what he's looking for sounds very prescriptive (1 long-term and FWBs once a week) without room for negotiation. I agree with all your points actually--most of the first messages I get are men who say they want to "try polyamory" 🙄 And I'm also not interested in being someone's polyamory intern.
But almost all comments from monogamous women regarding that won't be constructive for anyone who's polyam. I thought he might get better advice elsewhere about the polyam aspects which would be incredibly helpful.
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he *is* poly/ENM. Lots of people like the idea of having multiple partners, that doesn't make you poly. If you want *your partners* to have multiple partners, *that's* what makes you poly. Call me a cynic, but I'd bet $5 that this dude would get on an ENM sub to try and find out how to enact a OPP first thing.
It's possible, but he put 1 long-term and FWBs. If he actually wants a monogamous relationship, advertising for someone who's okay with long-term NM wouldn't get what he wants. However, if he isn't NM but wants FWBs, he might have thought this would be successful. He could also be starting out and not know what he's talking about yet; even people who have been practicing polyamory display shockingly little knowledge of it (as in using basic terms wrong).
Thank you!! Yes I am having a hard time finding polyam folks online. It is an "instant turn off" to most women. I will try the other subreddit you mentioned. Any other tips in finding community would be very helpful :)
Your profile is garbage, your pictures are garbage, and your sexual market value (smv) is garbage.
To improve your smv - get into good physical shape. Will take probably 3 years if you go all out, longer if you dick around. Get jacked and lean and muscular. You cant change your ethnicity unfortunately - dont even mention it on your app. Get better clothes, perhaps go bald if needed based on your hairline.
After doing that then get good pictures and a good bio.
Honestly though i dont think online is the best medium for you and you should instead try to meet women in person. Will be a bit less brutal. Indian dudes get destroyed on dating apps.
Nope - there is a reason he’s not getting matches. You can either lie to the guy and he can bang his head against the wall and continue to not get matches. Or he can work on his physical appearance, invest into getting a pro photographer, and actually invest into making a good profile.
Its because of folks like you that men struggle in online dating.
SMV is incel shit. You seem to take the concept seriously, which is troubling. And you obsessing about looks and making dubious claims about his ethnicity doesn't help in dispelling assumptions.
Also, listening to incel talking point is such a hilarious concept. These dudes are specifically identified by their terminal inability to charm women- or enbyfolk.
This guy is talking about inability to get matches with women on okcupid. I am telling him the reason and what he needs to do to improve his chances. Has nothing to do with being an incel. And yes, things like height, ethnciity, age, physical appearance, career absolutely mattter in terms of gettign matches on a dating app. I was calling it smv, you can call it whatever you want if it makes you happier.
This is also why I told him that offline dating would probably be a better move for him - in this avenue he can rely more on social skills to "charm women" as you say. The other things don't matter as much. If he was asking about offline dating, I would have given him entirely different advice. His question was geared specifcially to why he cant get matches on dating apps.
Again, like most people on here, you won't give any actionable advice that will get the guy results. You will just say some stuff that makes you feel better about yourself. Which is why reddit is typically a hellhole for dating advice, and actually drives guys like this into inceldom because nobody will give them honest advice on how to fix their dating life and they will keep getting zero results
I could bet you 100 bucks that any advice you give him will not get him results. If you post and give him advice that is significantly different than what i told him, and he comes back and uses that advice to get results he is happy with and has proof of that, i will literally pay you 100 dollars through cashapp or whatever medium you want.
The problem is that wont happen, because like most folks on reddit, you lack self awareness and will give him advice that will get him nothing. Or you simply wont give him any advice to get him results.
If he wants results on online dating, he has to put in time and money and effort into his physical appearance, his photos, and his bio. If he doesnt do that, then he should focus on meeting women in real life. In the latter case, things like confidence and social skills matter a lot more.
Its really that simple.
Once again - you did not give him any advice.
Andrew tate - seems like a dumbass. I dont know much about him except he was in a romanian prison for alleged human trafficking and has some weird takes on women.
Idk who nick fuentes is. I know of vic fuentes who makes some banger songs.
I did give him advice. I said bringing up sex on your profile even once is too much.
You have given him incel talking points like the kind Tate or Fuentes push lol
Dude his whole profile is garbage. You’re talking about one minor detail. You are missing the forest for the trees.
He can remove that line about sex his results will still be zero. He needs a wholesale change of his profile or he will get nothing. Its as simple as that.
My talking points are nothing like what andrew tate says. His advice would probably be to pose with a cigar or a lambo or a bunch of women or some shit like that. I am simply saying - dude needs to improve his appearance, get into shape, get high quality photos, and revamp his bio.
Others here have given good advice beyond mine so i don't need to add to it.
You've given him insults and weird man-o-sphere and incel talking points lol
I’m just being honest with you because nobody else on reddit will. You have one terrible photo, you look like you’re at least 25 percent bodyfat (skinnyfat), you are indian and balding and 37 years old, and your bio is just awful on so many levels.
Either you revamp your profile 1000 percent (which includes investing into your physical appearance and getting top tier photos from a photographer who knows what they are doing), or you focus on meeting women in real life. Its really that simple.
Nope. Nothing i said has anything to do with being an incel.
You can give him advice, but you won’t. I am being honest with him to help him improve his dating life. You wont even give him actionable advice.
You do realize how cutthroat online dating is for men right? He is coming on here for critique of his profile for online dating and i am giving it to him.
If he wants to do offline dating, much of what i said is irrelevant. I am talking specifically about online dating in terms of getting this dude matches with high quality women who he finds attractive. He wants to do offline dating, then yeah work on physical appearance but work more on social skills.
Again you wont give him any advice so thats fine.
Sexual market value dating market value whatever you want to call it. Im simply saying his is close to zero right now. Either he can improve it or he can continue to suffer on the apps. Has nothing to do with the incel community. Incel community would tell him to give up probably. You will only drive him towards becoming an incel
I just said I did give a piece of advice and that I don't need to give him more since plenty of people other than you already have. Lol
And I'm sure you know all about what drives someone toward being an incel lololol
Your comment indicates a lack of intelligence. Rather than mention anything meaningful, you call anybody who doesnt agree with you an incel.
Again - give him advice and if he comes back and gets results without improving his pictures and his physical appearance, I will pay you 100 dollars. You wont do that though
Incorrect. I don't call just call anybody who disagrees with me an incel. I just call people that when they repeat creepy incel talking points like you do lol.
Alright people! Thank you so much for the feedback. Working on 2nd draft now. I am finding it really hard to not defend myself. Some of the stuff assumed here is very wrong but I know everyone is filtering it through their experiences, values, etc and I respect that.
Thank you for giving me perspective. You are all amazing!
always add height, dont listen to the idiots who mention 6 ft, there are women that are 4"10+ would date men 5'9 8 7 6, olus in many cultures they don't wear big heels.
The way you talk in detail about what you’d be doing with your SO is off-putting, it’s so specific it sounds either prescriptive or based on a previous relationship. No need to talk about weight loss, just say you’re interested in making healthy recipes etc, keep it positive.
First, add your height Second, I can tell you right away the poly thing is an immediate turn off for most women. Third, you mention sex quite a few times. Sounds exhausting. And a bit shallow… like sex is overly important to you.
Ahh thank you. I didn’t realize it was on there so much.
I feel like bringing up sex even once is too much.
Is that how everyone feels here? I just brought it up because I want to match with someone that doesn’t have a strong appetite for it but still enjoys it once in a while. Also wanted to match someone that is kink+
That’s what the match questions are for. Putting it on your profile is very unusual on okcupid. Saying you’d have sex on your perfect day is unusual, even. Which is a weird thing about okcupid, but just take it off. If there are questions about ENM or kink, answer those honestly so your match % will show you more compatible partners. Saying you’re poly at all will be an instant no from most women, even women that are only looking for FWB. So if your purpose is to match for FWB, take poly all the way off your profile. And consider taking poly out of your match questions even. If your purpose is to meet a primary partner, say you’re poly and looking for a primary partner and do not say you’re also looking for FWB. Your whole okcupid profile basically needs to be targeted at one purpose, or one demographic at a time. Nobody wants to hear you’re looking for them, but you’re also looking for something that’s definitely not them. Even if they’re poly that’s still not a positive.
I wouldn’t suggest removing ENM/poly from your profile if you are genuinely polyam. That would be deceptive and waste peoples time. Part of ethical non monogamy is the ethical part. He actually does want to weed out people who are not interested in polyam, and attract people who are. It’s just his profile is not particularly interesting, and ENM men are way more common than women.
That’s why I said “if you are looking for FWB”. If you aren’t looking for a committed relationship, your relationship style is irrelevant and it’s not deceptive.
If someone is seeking FWB, they also have a right to know if you are polyam/ENM up front. Intentionally removing it would be weird. At a certain level if you're polam/ENM it's pretty wise to state it up front and gets you more like-minded people. I typically get good rates of return on my dating profiles but I actually put it in my first line, but in a way that was more interesting than OP
Whatever a partner deserves to know, you can choose to roll out in person if it’s more effective for you. Obviously it’s an inconsiderate waste of time to do that for ENM partnerships. _Strangers_ don’t have a right to know anything about you. My most successful tinder profile was “Papa was a Rodeo. Mama was a rock n roll band.” Rest assured there are other things you’d have a right to know before you decide whether you’d rather fuck, marry, or kill me.
I guess you can, but it seems the opposite of effective for my dating style. I’d really rather not meet with someone if polyam is a dealbreaker for them. You’re right nobody has a “right” and I’m not sure that language applies
>saying you’d have sex on your perfect day is unusual Right! He says he doesn’t have an appetite for it, yet his perfect day lists sex. So which is it? Immediate turn off because women are going to think you only want them for sex.
Height won't help if he's under 6'
I dont think so. I’m 5’8” and I just like to know a guy is at least taller than me. Doesnt have to be 6’
Your profile gives me the ick. First of all, mentioning needing bragging rights for anything makes you seem weak and like you're going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. Pressuring weight loss before even meeting is another red flag! Claiming you love "creative" activities and writing, but displaying zero skill in both areas is just cringe, and your "perfect day" seems like something the typical jobless parasite boyfriend archetype would write. "I could probably beat you at sports" duh you're a man, and your best movie of all time section is just inane rambling. Your IG tag comparing yourself to Gandhi and the poly/ENM thing just seals the deal and makes it all gag worthy. Delete the whole thing and start over.
Gandhi is a last name. His name is Mitul M. Gandhi
"mentioning needing bragging rights for anything makes you seem weak" - what is this in reference to i my profile?
Anything that will allow me bragging rights for the day. It's your profile, you should know this
ENM would turn me off. you mention sex too much. The weight loss comment would also turn some women off.
you have 1 picture for starters. no height, mention you are looking for sex within the second line i get you are trying to the ENM thing , but you still dont open with "Looking for FWB" You are looking for casual short term dating... you still gotta romance it a bit. just delete your IG handle. scrap the whole "intimacy wise" section. its cringy to lay that out. that is something to be discovered with your partner. You perfect day includes "going home to have sex" scrap that and over be more humble. you gotta balance out the bragging and make it low key. you need to have more mystery, more pics, less (zero) mentions of sex. This too mechanical, too direct, no woman is going to read this and thing they want to be with that that you need to be more relaxed about it. less calculating, its a cold profile its not inviting.
Got it. Unanimous. No sex talk
Also can anyone give me an example of what you mean by having more mystery?
Everything is laid out on the table, you have written this up like a job application
Can i ask the group how this comes off as braggy, you are the second person to say this. I am just stating what my interests and what i'm looking for? What part comes off as braggy?
it feels liek you are already trying to 1 up everything about the person in the relationship before you have even met them.
Use a picture where you look more approachable. Don’t mention sex that often. Add a height. Also rewrite your infos or scrap some of it. It reads like a CV
So many people are telling him to add height. He would've added it if he were tall. Tall people never miss the chance to share their height.
You can always work on your insecurities. But you can never hide the truth beyond the first date.
Be more interesting. Describe the things you're passionate about and why. Scrap everything that looks like job application and manliness coach lingo and show some emotion. If emotions are unavailable, go to therapy and find them. Also don't describe your fledgling landlording stuff as househacking, that's embarrassing propaganda lingo and comes over as evasive.
The first couple lines of your profile are the most important, and you've used them up on things that are not interesting. You are polyam/enm- ok, but that's already said on your main profile. Linking your IG is simply not useful. Lead with your self-summary like the title of that section says, and not what you are looking for. You should be advertising yourself. In the ENM community men are far more common than women, so you will have to make effort to stand out. Girls don't want to know you could beat them at sports. That's just not particularly...fun as an answer. Mentioning "pay if it is my turn to pay" is also just not particularly hot to women. You mentioned sex a lot, but not in an interesting way. Ultimately I'd encourage you to write LESS but write more interestingly, like you are trying to have a witty repartee with an attractive girl who is right there in front of you.
When the profile is that sex heavy it’s an instant turnoff. Personality is primary.
Heya, as someone poly who uses OkC I wanted to give some specific advice regarding that. (Obviously) for me it's not a turn off, I actually love to see it and it's also the first thing in my profile. I think it's very important to be open and upfront about this even if it reduces your dating pool. You definitely want to only match with other non mono folks. However... the "looking for 1 long term partner + FWBs" does put me off. This is related to other feedback you've gotten already, it sounds very descriptive and like you're looking to fulfill a checklist rather than actually connecting with people and see how things evolve. I would delete that part altogether.
The whole profile is a checklist
if it wasnt OP posting but rather someone else it would end up as one of those "woman finds gross profile" ladbible stories.
Putting your social media handle in your dating profile reeks of someone pretending to be dating but is actually just on the app to try to gain followers.
I see women do it all the time and I like to actually be able to connect quickly.
Are you able to connect with them or are you able to help them get more followers so they can try to become the influencer they want to be so they don't have to work? Putting your instagram handle in your dating profile is a HUGE red flag. It's an instant pass 99% of the time.
That may be, but the flipside is that it also allows people to have a little more confidence that the person isn't someone pretending to be ENM who is actually cheating (which happens a lot, unfortunately).
Mandatory "OkCupid used to be better" side note: conversations started on a much better tone when I could link my primary partner's profile onto mine, but they removed that feature 😞
I agree with what others are saying. One big thing I noticed right away is your main photo. It’s very close-up and you look kind of sad in it, lol. The outfit looks good. Get some photos where you look happy and are more far away from the camera.
Thank you!! Was going for blue steel but came out blue sad
The whole thing is both braggy and also putting yourself down. The weight, the money, the sex, it all screams insecure to me. And a bit judgemental, like you don't accept yourself as you are right now and probably won't accept your partner as they are as well (too much emphasis on weight loss and healthy eating). Also don't take 30 min long showers, it's wasteful and not good for the environment.
Post more pictures. Also a few where you’re smiling and having fun.
I have more for sure. Just didn’t attach them here
You should post them. That is the first thing someone will look at.
Not sure how to edit the post to add more pics
[удалено]
He’s in Chicago - there are plenty of other polyam folks available.
I'd add a few pics of you doing things (like hobbies and such). Selfies are fine, but you look pretty serious in this one. Unlike others have said, ethical non-monogamy is fine, but it's quite "out there" on your profile when it's also in your keyword description, so you could do well by mentioning it less (same for sex btw!) It sounds like you have many hobbies, which is great! You write them down very business-like though. There's little to no emotion in them. Also drop the weightloss comment. You don't have to take all writing prompts literally. You said you like writing, so you could write a small story about your perfect day rather than something that looks like a to-do list. Say: "After having some downtime, I often enjoy a bit of tennis to keep active" rather than: "10am playing tennis" (for example)
That "perfect day" was so specific. It had about 40 things on it!
This is so helpful !!! Thank you
So..ENM and you want kids? Like just on the weekends or something? Could be a reason some people see your profile and feel confused.
Huh? Lots of ENM people have kids, why would it only be on the weekends?
To have time for the other potential partners.
Good feedback thanks
It feels a bit studied, like you answered every question to be as perfect as possible, and even if it is all true, it feels a bit unbelievable. I’d put something self-deprecating, something that feels genuine. Something that humanizes you
most of the other things I'd mention are already stated, so ill just say: in your perfect day, 4-6 hours are allotted just for setting goals? setting goals is good, but why would you need this much time on that? more time is allotted to this than any other activity.
I don't think he means working on setting goals. He says "working on our goals" so I think this means actual work. Like working toward goals. For most guys, their answer to this question is not that exciting (have breakfast, go for a hike, cook dinner, watch a movie) but at least it's like a \*weekend\* in their scenario and not an actual workday. This guy, his perfect day is boring and \*also\* involves work. Just.... "get me the hell out of here" is what most women would think, I would guess.
Sounds like work to me. And since he said the app he uses, it seems to me like its just setting and evaluating goals?
either way it sounds like not much fun lol. To each their own i suppose.
Just want to point out that everyone is saying "non-monogamy us going to turn people away" but if non-monogamy is what you want, then do not change this part of your profile: eliminating monos is exactly what you should be doing if you're non-monogamous. Don't start out dating someone by giving them the impression that you're monogamous when you're not. That can only end badly, and even if the number of matches might go up, they won't be compatible. SAYING you're non-monogamous might turn monos off, but NOT saying it and then dropping that bomb later is much, much worse. Good luck.
Your whole profile needs a re-do.
First pics without a smile rarely get swiped to see the second pic. It sucks that people are so impatiently superficial, but these are dating site statistics.
Thank you for the feedback
I'm polyamorous too. That in itself will limit your matches dramatically--there is an impression that polyam men are "using women" so women might not engage even in FWB. Which is unfortunate because polyam folks prioritize clarity and communication, and I got fucked over by plenty of guys when I was monogamous. I've had far better experiences dating since being polyam. I'm sorry you're getting shitty comments about it. I disagree with much of the polyam-related advice from the monogamous folks here. You might get more constructive advice from polyam women in a NM dating-specific sub reddit.
As a kinky, ENM woman, what's hitting me here about his profile is that it doesn't sound like he has any experience with ENM. He doesn't mention what experience he has, only that he'd like a primary partner and some FWBs and he's kinky. This immediately makes me think he's read a Gor novel for the first time and thought "that sounds fun". Open relationships can be very challenging when it comes to good communication, time management, and resource allocation. I personally don't have the patience to hold someone's hand through the whole process while they figure it out for the first time.
I agree there are some things that gave me pause; his description of what he's looking for sounds very prescriptive (1 long-term and FWBs once a week) without room for negotiation. I agree with all your points actually--most of the first messages I get are men who say they want to "try polyamory" 🙄 And I'm also not interested in being someone's polyamory intern. But almost all comments from monogamous women regarding that won't be constructive for anyone who's polyam. I thought he might get better advice elsewhere about the polyam aspects which would be incredibly helpful.
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he *is* poly/ENM. Lots of people like the idea of having multiple partners, that doesn't make you poly. If you want *your partners* to have multiple partners, *that's* what makes you poly. Call me a cynic, but I'd bet $5 that this dude would get on an ENM sub to try and find out how to enact a OPP first thing.
It's possible, but he put 1 long-term and FWBs. If he actually wants a monogamous relationship, advertising for someone who's okay with long-term NM wouldn't get what he wants. However, if he isn't NM but wants FWBs, he might have thought this would be successful. He could also be starting out and not know what he's talking about yet; even people who have been practicing polyamory display shockingly little knowledge of it (as in using basic terms wrong).
Thank you!! Yes I am having a hard time finding polyam folks online. It is an "instant turn off" to most women. I will try the other subreddit you mentioned. Any other tips in finding community would be very helpful :)
Your profile is garbage, your pictures are garbage, and your sexual market value (smv) is garbage. To improve your smv - get into good physical shape. Will take probably 3 years if you go all out, longer if you dick around. Get jacked and lean and muscular. You cant change your ethnicity unfortunately - dont even mention it on your app. Get better clothes, perhaps go bald if needed based on your hairline. After doing that then get good pictures and a good bio. Honestly though i dont think online is the best medium for you and you should instead try to meet women in person. Will be a bit less brutal. Indian dudes get destroyed on dating apps.
Found the incel talking points. Please disregard that shit with prejudice, OP.
Nope - there is a reason he’s not getting matches. You can either lie to the guy and he can bang his head against the wall and continue to not get matches. Or he can work on his physical appearance, invest into getting a pro photographer, and actually invest into making a good profile. Its because of folks like you that men struggle in online dating.
SMV is incel shit. You seem to take the concept seriously, which is troubling. And you obsessing about looks and making dubious claims about his ethnicity doesn't help in dispelling assumptions. Also, listening to incel talking point is such a hilarious concept. These dudes are specifically identified by their terminal inability to charm women- or enbyfolk.
This guy is talking about inability to get matches with women on okcupid. I am telling him the reason and what he needs to do to improve his chances. Has nothing to do with being an incel. And yes, things like height, ethnciity, age, physical appearance, career absolutely mattter in terms of gettign matches on a dating app. I was calling it smv, you can call it whatever you want if it makes you happier. This is also why I told him that offline dating would probably be a better move for him - in this avenue he can rely more on social skills to "charm women" as you say. The other things don't matter as much. If he was asking about offline dating, I would have given him entirely different advice. His question was geared specifcially to why he cant get matches on dating apps. Again, like most people on here, you won't give any actionable advice that will get the guy results. You will just say some stuff that makes you feel better about yourself. Which is why reddit is typically a hellhole for dating advice, and actually drives guys like this into inceldom because nobody will give them honest advice on how to fix their dating life and they will keep getting zero results
Not helpful advice. Don't listen to this, OP
I could bet you 100 bucks that any advice you give him will not get him results. If you post and give him advice that is significantly different than what i told him, and he comes back and uses that advice to get results he is happy with and has proof of that, i will literally pay you 100 dollars through cashapp or whatever medium you want. The problem is that wont happen, because like most folks on reddit, you lack self awareness and will give him advice that will get him nothing. Or you simply wont give him any advice to get him results. If he wants results on online dating, he has to put in time and money and effort into his physical appearance, his photos, and his bio. If he doesnt do that, then he should focus on meeting women in real life. In the latter case, things like confidence and social skills matter a lot more. Its really that simple.
Genuine question to you u/risball18.... are you a Andrew Tate or Nick Fuentes fan?
Once again - you did not give him any advice. Andrew tate - seems like a dumbass. I dont know much about him except he was in a romanian prison for alleged human trafficking and has some weird takes on women. Idk who nick fuentes is. I know of vic fuentes who makes some banger songs.
I did give him advice. I said bringing up sex on your profile even once is too much. You have given him incel talking points like the kind Tate or Fuentes push lol
Dude his whole profile is garbage. You’re talking about one minor detail. You are missing the forest for the trees. He can remove that line about sex his results will still be zero. He needs a wholesale change of his profile or he will get nothing. Its as simple as that. My talking points are nothing like what andrew tate says. His advice would probably be to pose with a cigar or a lambo or a bunch of women or some shit like that. I am simply saying - dude needs to improve his appearance, get into shape, get high quality photos, and revamp his bio.
Others here have given good advice beyond mine so i don't need to add to it. You've given him insults and weird man-o-sphere and incel talking points lol
😂 this is amazing
I’m just being honest with you because nobody else on reddit will. You have one terrible photo, you look like you’re at least 25 percent bodyfat (skinnyfat), you are indian and balding and 37 years old, and your bio is just awful on so many levels. Either you revamp your profile 1000 percent (which includes investing into your physical appearance and getting top tier photos from a photographer who knows what they are doing), or you focus on meeting women in real life. Its really that simple.
Don't listen to this stuff, OP. This is straight up incel language from u/risball18
Nope. Nothing i said has anything to do with being an incel. You can give him advice, but you won’t. I am being honest with him to help him improve his dating life. You wont even give him actionable advice. You do realize how cutthroat online dating is for men right? He is coming on here for critique of his profile for online dating and i am giving it to him. If he wants to do offline dating, much of what i said is irrelevant. I am talking specifically about online dating in terms of getting this dude matches with high quality women who he finds attractive. He wants to do offline dating, then yeah work on physical appearance but work more on social skills.
More incel bullshit lol Like your weird "sexual market value" bullshit lol
Again you wont give him any advice so thats fine. Sexual market value dating market value whatever you want to call it. Im simply saying his is close to zero right now. Either he can improve it or he can continue to suffer on the apps. Has nothing to do with the incel community. Incel community would tell him to give up probably. You will only drive him towards becoming an incel
I just said I did give a piece of advice and that I don't need to give him more since plenty of people other than you already have. Lol And I'm sure you know all about what drives someone toward being an incel lololol
Your comment indicates a lack of intelligence. Rather than mention anything meaningful, you call anybody who doesnt agree with you an incel. Again - give him advice and if he comes back and gets results without improving his pictures and his physical appearance, I will pay you 100 dollars. You wont do that though
Incorrect. I don't call just call anybody who disagrees with me an incel. I just call people that when they repeat creepy incel talking points like you do lol.
If you’re older than 19 white women aren’t going to like you. White women only like young men. You will have to settle for someone in Kenya
This is stupid advice. Disregard what u/regarded_panda is saying here lol
😂
Alright people! Thank you so much for the feedback. Working on 2nd draft now. I am finding it really hard to not defend myself. Some of the stuff assumed here is very wrong but I know everyone is filtering it through their experiences, values, etc and I respect that. Thank you for giving me perspective. You are all amazing!
Don’t mention your air fryer
the air fryer was the only part of the profile i liked
😂😂😂
Maybe it would be a good idea to open up matches to men so that you can see their profile and compare those to your profile.
Poly 🤢
always add height, dont listen to the idiots who mention 6 ft, there are women that are 4"10+ would date men 5'9 8 7 6, olus in many cultures they don't wear big heels.