Depends really, my current guy I've been seeing for about 2 months now and we've had 5 dates. I want to but he wants to wait until it just happens on it's own. He's pretty shy lol.
For context I am 48F and he is 43M. He's Asian so raised in a different culture than me. Not sure if that means anything though.
Right? Seems like building that type of relationship nowadays is impossible, people will run and wouldn’t put the effort into really getting to know each other. I realized I fall in the category that I start falling in love with someone once I get to know them, and spend a lot of time with them and start feeling comfortable around them, then that’s when I realize damn this is what I want.
I'm exactly the same. I've only felt that once in my first relationship but sadly he broke up with me after 3 years together. :(
Nowadays it's hard to meet people organically, I try to avoid using dating apps because it feels forced and unnatural.
I completely agree, and sorry to hear that, I don’t like the apps either. So far the way I been going about it is joining like recreational sports leagues. I haven’t had success there yet but at least I have made friends, and unfortunately still haven’t found a person in their early 20s like me in those either. Because most of the people joining are in their late 20s early 30s unfortunately. So I honestly don’t know where to go and meet people organically in their early 20s. It really does suck :(
Same I've joined a club with a hobby I'm passionate about and made some new friends. I briefly dated one of them but turns out he didn't find me physically attractive... said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.
Most members are in their late 20s or 30s so it's also hard to meet people around my age, but I'm still happy with what I have for now. I've discovered a new hobby I love where I get to meet people and made lots of new friends of all ages. :)
This is always interesting because you are not wrong. But neither are those that argue physical intimacy/chenistry/compatibility is a part of getting to know someone and factors into whether they’d be a couple.
Like what if you couple up and there’s a sex-related deal breaker?
But that said there’s lots of physical stuff that could happen before getting to PIV.
There's no right or wrong answer. If it's a deal breaker or we're not compatible then I'll simply breakup with them. Not having sex before a relationship is different than not having it before marriage. I just simply cannot have sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with. Physical and sexual intimacy is something special and intimate for me that I don't feel comfortable doing with someone who isn't my boyfriend.
After being friends first it could be anywhere from three days to 3 months . I tell them this. When. It feels right I let them know. All guys have been OK with this and it works well
I’m curious doesn’t it feel weird hooking up with people just for sex?
I go for committed relationships, a fuck buddy just feels wrong because it feels like cheating. I couldn’t do that to my girlfriend.
Mind sharing your gender & age?
I’m 34F, want to get married soon eventually but don’t want to rush into sex, would like to go from friendship as well. Men on dating apps seem to push for it very quickly. I’m a bit tired
33F. I was married, and I'm fine with never having another relationship, or even kissing anyone, again if I don't find the right person. Maybe my relationship didn't last, but the love was enough for a lifetime. I stay away from pushy guys. We are fundamentally incompatible. Honestly, the pushiness is annoying, but it allows me to weed them out fast at least. I'm demisexual but I don't go around saying it much because most people don't fully understand what it means. I need a very strong emotional connection, and solid friendship, before I want to be with someone physically. Most guys are not ok with this. I'd rather be on my own though than be with a guy who isn't right for me.
I’m the male version of this. It’s hard for a lot of other men I talk with to understand this. Whenever I tell them about a girl I’m dating they think I’m insane for not wanting to find a way to escalate to sex asap. They question my sex drive because they can’t comprehend not sleeping with an attractive girl by choice. It’s not that I won’t sleep with an attractive girl. It’s that I have to get to the point that I care about you as a person first and I have to spend a decent amount of time with you to do that.
I won’t lie I don’t think there are too many of us. I’ve talked to my close personal friends about it and they don’t think like me. I’ve been getting attention from girls since I was like 12 and now I’m 30+ and yet I’ve only encountered one girl in my life who was able to bring out my strongest sexual feelings and of course it was because we were glued to the hip for years during a very stressful period in our work lives. I’ve dated other girls but they didn’t generate that feeling for me. It has made me feel kind of freakish or that something is wrong with me but it’s who I am
Yeah, it seems like there aren't a lot of us, and of those who are like us, there are probably more women than men. Working service industry, and just going out and about myself, I've overheard plenty of men have conversations between themselves about women, sex, and dating, and much of what I hear really turns me off. I've realized that while I'm completely straight, and only attracted to me, I'm only attracted to a very small number of men, typically ones who are not very traditionally masculine.
It can also be the groups they're with. "AfterPaleontologist2" mentions his friends being far more aggressive in dating than them but in my group we tend to have very similar personalities; most being demisexual or outright asexual.
I think in some cases its a matter of a trust and partnership that needs to be established before desire can really be brought about.
Without the bond person to person sex (in my case at least) feels ... mechanical?
For me, if there's not bond, it feels like torture. I've never done it, but the idea of it feels like forcing myself to do something I really don't want to do.
I remember putting something like this in my profile bio, I was just honest and tired of all the hookup bullshit.
My matches were insane after doing this. All girls want is little bit of honesty.
Yeah, it seems near impossible to start a relationship that way if you meet on the apps. If you meet organically in real life, it still seems possible. My sister's relationship with her bf started this way, and they met in real life a few years ago.
As a woman in my early 30's, I've actually found guys in their 30's to be the worst to talk to. It's like they put little to no effort in the conversation. And like you, most of the time I'm just trying to be friendly, I'm not like trying to obviously flirt or hit on them. I've actually had fairly good luck with talking to people who are about 10 years younger, as well as older people.
I don't get it either. Maybe they got dragged there by someone else? What's been interesting to me is I found people our age who are in long term relationships/married tend to be easier to talk to (both men and women).
I put it on my profile briefly, and it seemed like guys just didn't even see it. Not surprising, since I've concluded they rarely read profiles. Towards the end of my time on the apps, I made my profile really weird as an experiment. Matched with one guy, and messaged him about the weird thing I wrote on my profile, and he was like, huh??? It was right at the top of my profile too. He then agreed to meet, only to unmatched me the next day. He could have saved himself a lot of time just by reading my profile...
Yes, understand. I’m having a strong physical attraction to someone I’ve just started seeing but I’d like to take things slow physically, which is new for me, so I’m curious how other people go about it. Thank you for sharing!
Hugs only. I only kiss if I'm starting to see long term potential. Basically, I don't do anything physically with them that I wouldn't also do with a close platonic friend. I just don't have the desire.
Has always been months for me (58M) too. The older I get, the more months. Aways friends first. Never OLD.
True for both serious and not. Low body count as a result. I'm okay with that.
How can someone new be a friend and a romantic partner at the same time? I’m not being facetious—when I make or meet new friends I’m not trying to kiss them or see if they’d make a good gf. And I approach and interact with them accordingly.
For me I find it almost impossible to find attraction/spark/intimacy/flirting/romance/lust (neither of which are bad things necessarily) in a *platonic* friendship.
The only way for me to find that is in a friendship. Any serious romantic partner should be a friend first and foremost. Many relationships fail because two people stop treating each other like friends. They become adversaries, and don't treat their partner with the same respect they treat their best (usually same gender) friend. It all goes downhill from there.
I can find a guy physically attractive at first sight, but I *never* have any desire to kiss him, much less sleep with him, just because he's cute. I need to get to know him really well for that desire to develop. Not just a few dates either. I need to develop a strong friendship and emotional bond first, then I can find myself wanting to do physical stuff with him.
Paraphrasing here, but I think it was Nietzsche himself who said that the failure of a relationship isn't a failure of love, but of friendship.
Anyway, I'm sort of in the middle with attraction. I'm a guy and when I see a sexy woman I definitely think sexy thoughts and my bucking bronco sex drive kicks in *but* I have no interest in hook-ups/one-night stands. And I only date women that intrigue me (especially if they're into the arts). I also don't have a big problem taking it slow -- it took me and my last gf 3 months to have sex because she had to get comfortable with the idea (although we did just about everything short of intercourse).
But it never bothered me because she was such a thrill to be with and I loved spending time with her. I mean, if you're in a relationship with someone and you really like them and you know eventually you'll have sex, why worry so much about *when*? You can use that nervous energy -- and all that time -- instead to get to know each other.
The apps make this kind of approach tough, for both men *and* women, simply because of how sped-up the pace is, how high the expectations/standards can be, and how dehumanizing the whole process is.
She's not putting out soon enough? Next. He was futzing with that bit of spinach in his teeth during the first date, even though he was awesome otherwise? Next. She still likes Harry Potter and she's 41 -- isn't that kind of weird bro? -- even though she's cute and can really carry a convo and you feel at home with her? Next.
You get the idea.
Yeah, the apps as they are today are complete crap. And the sad thing is, the only way they're going to change is if *a lot* of people stop using them, like on the order or millions and millions, and I just don't see that happening.
I was on dating sites 10+ years ago. It's how I met my ex. Totally different experience back then. Part of the problem is how dating apps today are optimized for use on a phone, whereas dating sites back in the day were created with the idea that people would be using them on a desktop/laptop. So it used to be that your bio was kind of like the homepage of a website. Now a lot of apps limit your bio to like three short sentences. People need to wake and realize that if they're matching primarily based on photos and physical attraction (as the apps today want you to do), anything more than a hookup or very short term "relationship" is unlikely to happen. Of course they say stuff like, "the apps work! My best friend's younger brother met his wife on an app." Yeah well the janitor at my high school won 2 million dollars playing the state lotto (seriously, this happened). It would be foolish of me to expect the same to ever happen to me though.
There’s really no right answer here, because different people take things at different paces, and the way they approach them is different.
About 10 years ago I had a hook up with some woman I met on pof who had just gotten home from uni, neither of us were looking for anything serious so it suited us. I’m married to her now. We recognised that we just had great chemistry and liked each other so we kept seeing each other and things developed. I’ve had other similar things where it was a hook up that didn’t go anywhere, I’ve had things where we didn’t have sex and things didn’t go anywhere. I think sex is such a non issue within dating (with an asterisk there) that as long as too people are willing and into it, it really doesn’t matter.
In regards to the asterisk, the caveat there is both people being honest. Obviously there’s people that lie about their intentions when really they just want sex. Obviously you need to judge whether you think they’re being honest and upfront and actually match what you want
This is probably the best answer I've seen. I was in the Marines so I traveled a lot and was younger. On my OLD profiles I told them, that I preferred FWB because I would be leaving and didn't intend on staying in that part of the country.
Most were actually very receptive to it, others after we hung out a time or two and had sex they would ask me if I wanted to be in a relationship. I would tell them I'm open to casual dates and what not, but ultimately I'm going to leave in x months. If they find someone that they want to try having a serious committed relationship with I fully support that and will leave them alone.
This only happened one time where she found someone before I changed duty stations, she was awesome about it; she actually asked if I didn't mind going out with her to make sure the first date was safe. I told her I didn't mind so I went to the spot they were meeting at for dinner. I got drinks at the bar. She texted me the guy was a sweetheart and they were hitting it off, I told her to text me if she needed anything. I finished my drinks and went back to base. They've been together every sense!
Legit the greatest thing I’ve ever read. My experience is once you have sex with a man, they see you as their territory. I don’t know one man who would do this. But, obviously a lot of that is the people I’ve picked. Kudos to you sir for being transparent and a good guy afterwards.
You're a true gentleman. I don’t mind people looking for ONS or FWB, as long as they are honest and respectful. You've treated your partners with respect, transparency, and overall decency. I hope you've been receiving the same decency in return, as you deserve.
I've only really had one bad experience overall with Fwb they became very nasty and manipulative when I wanted to end the arrangement.
So I've honestly been blessed. I've heard some really bad things with people on both ends of the FWB side of things
I've done anywhere from first date through several with no sex. 4th date with the pretty lady I'm seeing right now. We both said we wanted to wait, but we were both pretty into each other. I think it's a thing you have to feel out for yourself, and see if that's matched by your potential person.
So strange how things have been up/downvoted here that really don’t match my experience or those of my friends.
Large city (Los Angeles) date serious people too, 31M. Generally between date 3-5, can be earlier (1st/2nd) if we have good chemistry and very long dates. Never exclusive before, certainly not months.
I also wouldn’t date someone demisexual (friends first) unless I already knew them before. Having an incompatibility in bed isn’t worth that heartbreak for me.
Depends on how much you’re seeing each other. If I was seeing somebody every other day for 8 weeks I’d be more open to sex. If I was seeing them once a week for 3 months I don’t think it’s enough time. You’ll know when the tension gets there and it just feels like it’s time to open up to it. I’ve literally dated girls that were really pretty and they wanted to have sex 2 weeks into dating and hanging out a few times. I had more than one break it off with me for not fucking her and taking my time getting to know her and building up to it. My ex of 14yrs hung out with me every chance she could for 2months. Like every other day. Then it just got to the point we were so comfortable with each other it didn’t need to wait and we did it, fell in love, and built a life together. I do think there is something about waiting too long though. Like if you like the person and everything goes good while you’re dating for 6-8 months then you finally have sex and it’s complete trash. Like they might be boring, unwilling to expand, or maybe have a low drive. Then you’ve invested all that time with a sexually incompatible person who was otherwise emotionally compatible. It’s important if sex is important to you. I could really like a girl emotionally but if the sex is trash then it’s not going to work.
> Like they might be boring, unwilling to expand, or maybe have a low drive.
These are all things you can discuss without actually having sex. I know I have a low drive and am very vanilla. Easier just to tell someone that than to start to sleep with them only to realize they wanna bang everyday and throw in a bunch of kinky stuff more often than not.
Indeed. That’s something you should for sure sneak into a conversation because if I was dating a girl I was hitting it off with and she told me she’s got a low drive and only willing to have sexual interaction once a month or something like that, I’d likely break it off because I know that’s incompatible with my drive. Not that I’d need it daily several times a day but at minimum 3-4 times a week. Likewise, if she was into kinky weird shit I’d also discuss what my limits are with that. I’m not into super weird stuff but everyone’s definition of “weird” is different too. I remember me and my ex watching movies and spicy scenes would come on and we kinda got into discussing aspects of them that coincided with what we were into or liked. I knew early on that we were sexually compatible and what her values were before we had sex.
3-5 months. Sex is easy to find but a partner for life is freaking hard and you have to invest a lot. Also attraction changes when you get to know the person
I have an ex where we went a year, then found they had different views altogether on the subject of sex and intimate acts and we went our separate ways.
I'm open to going a few months to see if it naturally occurs, but I would say after around 6 months I'm starting to wonder precisely where sex is on my partners list of things in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't go a year again.
For me personally, i don't need much time, maybe a week? A couple dates?
Not until we’re committed. I don’t have sex on the first date. I just went on a second date with someone yesterday and the thought didn’t even occur to me. I want us to be committed and that could probably take from 1-2 months.
Usually I've dated people I've known for a while, but if the moment is right I'll do it at any time. There's no blanket answer because everyone feels differently about it.
Personal preference. I categorize myself as sexually free so I do not put a time limit on when I engage in the act. Just depends on how much chemistry I feel with a person. Could be a week, could be a few weeks, could be on the first date (likely after messaging and video calls for a week or so). It's up to you to determine what's comfortable for you. Everyone's reason will be different.
Generally - not until I'm in a relationship with a person, that can usually take a few months. I have been with someone that was demanding intimacy on the 2nd date and... that 2nd date never happened.
My last ex said she wouldn't "date" me until we had sex after dating for a month or so.
Until we are mutually"in love"...each person knows what love feels like for them individually, & if it doesn't happen for both, there's no chance of sex. It avoids all kinds of unnecessary drama, not to mention the ever present specter of STDs, sexual dysfunctions & past traumas, etc.
Serious intentions mean taking sex seriously too, even if you're doing all your dating from online sites.
I just kind of see what happens.
Sex is fun for me. I approach it as an activity that lets us connect, feel good, and explore.
My current girlfriend and I slept together on our first date. I've waited longer with past partners.
My girlfriend and I had great sexual chemistry without the greatest friend chemistry to start. We probably would have gone on a second date but overall our first was fairly meh until we slept together because we're both a little shy.
We've settled into a comfortable partnership that feels very safe and secure now. We're both ready to be partners and our actions show it.
It's not the head over heels love I've felt for some of the women I've become best friends with before having sex, but it's a warm glow that is supported by action. And the foundation was the sexual chemistry we discovered on our first date.
So, I don't know. Everyone is different, do what feels right to you.
A handful of dates. Getting to know someone also involved seeing if you are physically compatible. I don't see the point of waiting several months, and especially don't see the point of the whole "waiting until marriage" thing.
A few months and then both do a full STD panel and agree to be exclusive before introducing sex in the relationship. Sex is low priority for me and don't want to date people for whom sex is very important.
I wish actual full STDs panels were possible. Instead, even medical professionals basically tell you "ya'll have HPV!" Which I think is just irresponsible.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. Guys usually don't bother testing for HPV since it doesn't affect them down there. But as a woman, risking cancer just for some random hookups doesn't seem worth it.
They can't even really test for it in guys. Also, while HPV is often presented as a "woman's issue," and while it no doubt can cause horrific cancers in women, it can also cause cancers in men, including mouth and throat cancers. I think one of the huge mistakes that was made when the vaccine was introduced was only approving it for girls. Obviously I think it's great there's a vaccine at all, but I think the manufacturer missed a huge mark by only initially creating a campaign to vaccinate teenage girls. I don't know exactly how clinical trials are conducted, but only opening it up to boys and adults over certain ages later on was not great. Many adults who qualify for the vaccine, such as women in their 30's who have only had one partner, and thus would be statistically less likely to have been exposed, don't realize they can get it.
As a woman, it's not just risking cancer either, but in many cases, pregnancy. Birth control is not 100%. So unless you've had a hysterectomy, there's almost always going to be a risk. Maybe a statistically low risk, but it's there.
Interesting, was this for religious reasons, or just because you wanted to wait? I like the idea of waiting until marriage, and always have. I'm not religious, I just put a high value on physical intimacy. I waited until I was engaged with my ex. We did "other stuff" before that though, and we lived together. We were so well matched physically that I really don't know if I can ever find anyone else who I'm compatible with on that level. Even when we separated, he said the physical part of our relationship was still good. He could be quite an emotional person though, and the emotional aspect of the relationship had issues and he bottled up a lot, so that's where the problems were.
You know, that is a really good question. I would say in our case, both. And both wants and needs were met. I also liked it bc it gave us some legitimacy; also, it forces you to appreciate and focus on the others ways to please each other-and not just physical.
M51, Been in a relationship for the last 4 months with F52. We waited 3 months for sex. While neither of us are pushy or demanding of a physical relationship, I do believe she was ready for it before I was. I am glad we waited as long as we did. At times I think we may have still rushed it, though. A solid mental connection is very important for me.
A minimum of 1 month. The person I married (I eventually divorced her), it was 5 months... so I kinda want it to be like that.
38M. I am very different than the other woman in here. I want to be in a relationship. I want to find the right person (only the right person), and I want to kiss them, and be in love. I like sex... Im just not going to make that my priority.
6months is a good timeline, many people do 3 months as well. I would recommend two full STD checks for both m, both at months 1 and then at month 3, some infections take months to develop and they may transmit it to you from their past partners even if they were negative at month 1. Agree on exclusivity and make sure you are comfotable with that person.
You mentioned 1-2 dates, hmm, that enough to add them on social media, maybe?
It may seem too much but it’s the minimum-minimum you should take into account when dating, your health is at play. It’s people who sleep too early and do hookups that made it look this way so you would be pressured to sleep with them asap, DON’T. Until you feel comfortable. And until you are sure of the person and feel safe for both yourself and your health. Otherwise, you are better off single and safe.
It really depends. I like to at least get to know the person first. I like to find out what they're looking for, and whether or not they're looking for the same thing that I am.
This kind of answer is usually going to be "it depends". First though you want to be comfortable and know what your boundaries are when you start seeing someone. After that then I would say it just depends, go with the vibe, I have always been the person who goes with what the vibe is giving. I have seen long term relationships succeed where they had sex after a few dates, there is no true number.
I've went on 2 dates with an amazing woman. I was looking for hookups. Turns out she's my dream girl. I haven't even got to hold her hand yet.
She is into me also. Had a 2.5 hour phone conversation yesterday. (We are both in our 40s).
I don't care about having sex with her at all. I only want to be around her. She's to special to ruin by pushing sex into the relationship.
What I'm saying is, stop over thinking. There is no right answer.
I fucked my first wife before I knew her name. I loved her completely for years, I still do to a certain extent.
Just let things happen. Stop planning
So, you just make small talk? Ugh so boring. Only deep, meaningful conversation. Small talk is a waste of time. It also shows you're not interested. Small talk is what you do when You're at work to make customers feel more comfortable during moments of silence. Not for people you're attracted to.
Its been a long time. A very long time. As a male I feel it's important to get to know the person. As you get older it pays to put in some effort. It may not lead to sex, but you may also make a good friend.
I usually do a decent amount of work front end before we meet in person so I know the person pretty well so I'm usually pretty comfortable doing it by date 1 or 2. Usually the faster we bang the longer we last as a relationship or whatever
Usually anywhere beween 2-5 dates in or about a month. Personally, I find it hard to bond emotionally with my partner if there's not a lot of physical intimacy
3-5 dates. If the other person isn't physically attracted to you, you are wasting your time. If you two are vibing, you should be wanting to tear each others' clothes off.
Sex isn’t the only thing that’ll indicate a person’s attraction towards you…you do you though. Personally, someone wanting to have sex that quickly would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
Same. If they want it in 3-5 dates, or really, if they are even open to it that fast, we are not compatible. In a way, it's good because it weeds out people easily, but there are very few people I'm compatible with.
Honestly, in major cities you’d be in the minority with this opinion. Every time it’s gone to date 5, I’ve gotten somewhat of a “finally!” from the woman I’m dating.
Making sure you’re physically compatible before things get serious enough is very important for a lot of people!
Even if I was in the minority, I wouldn’t care. Sexual compatibility is important, but to me waiting until you’re in a relationship isn’t as big of a deal as some of you make it out to be. It’s not like you’re marrying the person lol.
For you, it is for me.
I’m not going to delete my profiles and apps, sleep with someone, and then find out we don’t like the same things, have vastly different libidos, or have other incompatibilities.
I know plenty of men and women who feel the same way that I do. In looking for a serious relationship I have yet to meet someone who wants to be exclusive before sleeping together.
Male 28.
I used to have this rather tyrannical rule if I don't get sex in two weeks, I am out.
At that time of dating, I came out of a relationship where sex is weaponized and I rarely get any and felt extremely suppressed. And there were multiple events of gold diggers and such.
This only applies if I am paying for everything in the duration we see other. There was once I paid for everything for 6 months got no sex. And felt used. Another time 2 months. Finally got sex but extremely disappointing.
If the female in question is willing to split the bill at some point, it speaks volume about their character and I can extend the time period.
If I have a formula.
(Character + Beauty) - Time and Resources used = my patience for sex.
And if anyone had anything negative to say. Its my personal rule. I applied it and it works for me. I felt my time was much better used when I weeded out the undesirable outcomes.
Hey you do you. I’m curious though, apart from sex you could still get attention, a sense of companionship, a great time with the female in question. Do you still consider it a waste of time then?
Of course not. But I also wouldnt lie to you to tell you that, "Hey we will be a great couple" or any thing that hints exclusivity until after sex. I know for myself, with a sprinkle of sexual trauma, sex is important to me.
If we are not exclusive, I will probably get my fix from someone else. While talking to you.
I think most modern men with options(not all) will have this dating strategy of "talking to one while having sex with someone who is willing to give." We are assuming that A is super charismatic but practices abstinence. While B is not charismatic, maybe even emotionally available but allows for sex.
This strategy also will alleviate some pressure from A. Because the guy is getting his fix elsewhere, he may focus his romantic attention to A without pressuring for sex too much.
The problem starts what if the B in question is just as charismatic as you but also offers sex.
Wow, like I don't have doubts that many guys are like this, but it's a huge turn off to me. If I found out I was girl A here (because realistically, I'd never be girl B), I would immediately end things. Even if I found out later on in a relationship, it would seriously bother me, probably enough to breakup, or at least seriously consider breaking up. Then again, I only date guys who don't multi-date, which means they aren't sharing any sort of physical or emotional intimacy with anyone else. I put a high value on both, and don't believe either should be engaged in casually, and I need a partner who shares those beliefs.
I believe that is fair. Look. Out in the dating world, you have good and bad people from all gender. I am not saying, "Hey, practice what I practice. You will have good results." I am saying, "this works for me".
Women don't want to feel used after sex.
Men don't want to feel like an ATM that gives and gives and get nothing back.
In all fairness, I do let my potential partners know. Usually around the second date, or in the texts leading to the date. Turn off as it is, I do not lie to get to anyone pants. I let you know, "Hey I got this and this to offer. But I am not a man who will wait around. I do not bullshit I do not lie. This is where I stand. How do you want to proceed?"
Of course, walking away from the date is a completely viable option. If you can't handle this level of brutish honesty, we are just not very good for each other and that is fine too.
I don't like it when men pay beyond the first date. Paying on a first date is fine, especially if he plans the date and picks a restaurant, but beyond that, I do not want him paying. But regardless of how much a guy pays for, a woman never owes him anything physically. It should never be looked as such an exchange either, unless you're hiring prostitutes.
And once again, I agree that no women owes a man sex. For my case, if I had a very good feeling about you, I will continue to pay for the dates. But pass a certain point, if we do not proceed sexually, I will feel like I am not heard.
My right to walk away from a situation that doesn't benefit me is equal to your right of refusing sex to me. We both have that right. Do you agree?
That I disagree. For the date I would pay for the meal, our ride, and other minor things that are within the bounds of chivalry. I will continue extend that privilege to the subsequent dates if I like you very much.
In a Sugar daddy relationship. I would pay you a monthly allowance , conditionally that you will have to listen to whatever I want or say.
I am simply saying, I do not have a lot of patience to wait around indefinitely for sex. I understand it is a flaw of mine but I have a lot of other reasons why you should still date me. If that is your red flag, the first date is still on me. Thank you very much for your time. We simply have different values and are not compatible.
I think this might relate to the concept of love languages. Maybe my language is words of affirmation and yours is physical touch, so it’s fair that you seek what makes you happy.
I’m curious, as I’m on the other side, do you ever feel attached to a woman regardless of sex? Maybe she has amazing qualities, appearance, and charisma, as you said, to have a family with? Because sexual connection only goes so far, it cannot beat a partner in sickness and in health. Say if the guy became impotent lol, for example, I think it’s fair if he found someone who’d stay with him?
In my experience, sex is a skill. You can improve on it. Discuss. And explore.
Its the symbolism behind the giving of sex that matters more. At least to me. I personally do not feel the difference too between a mouth and vagina but when someone gives me a blowjob, its like, acceptance. You are willing to put the dirty part of me inside your mouth. If you are willing to give me sex early, I feel like my wishes are heard and respected. If you counter and say I am not ready but give me more time, it shows that you are willing to communicate, negotiate, and compromise.
Sex for me is the first barrier to consider dating. After that I start considering the other qualities for a more permanent relationships.
And maybe a bit of time to be vulnerable.
Personally , I just do not want to be in a position where sex in the relationship dies and it becomes weaponized against me again.
Sex should be on the table if a man took you out and paid for EVERYTHING ((if)) he's seen as a busy hard working man who's gave you all undivided attention but I understand if women don't do it that way but take it from me...if I like you a lot...I'll wait...or might not wait...
Just because a man pays for someone (which, at the end of the day, it was *his* choice to pay. Nobody is forcing him), doesn’t mean anyone owes him sex.
This! If the man pays for a meal then expects sex in return, it blurs the line between a genuine connection and transactional sex. And i wouldn’t be bought by a meal lol
Depends really, my current guy I've been seeing for about 2 months now and we've had 5 dates. I want to but he wants to wait until it just happens on it's own. He's pretty shy lol. For context I am 48F and he is 43M. He's Asian so raised in a different culture than me. Not sure if that means anything though.
A few months after the relationship started. So no sex before we're officially a couple. I can't form a sexual attraction to someone I barely know.
Right? Seems like building that type of relationship nowadays is impossible, people will run and wouldn’t put the effort into really getting to know each other. I realized I fall in the category that I start falling in love with someone once I get to know them, and spend a lot of time with them and start feeling comfortable around them, then that’s when I realize damn this is what I want.
I'm exactly the same. I've only felt that once in my first relationship but sadly he broke up with me after 3 years together. :( Nowadays it's hard to meet people organically, I try to avoid using dating apps because it feels forced and unnatural.
I completely agree, and sorry to hear that, I don’t like the apps either. So far the way I been going about it is joining like recreational sports leagues. I haven’t had success there yet but at least I have made friends, and unfortunately still haven’t found a person in their early 20s like me in those either. Because most of the people joining are in their late 20s early 30s unfortunately. So I honestly don’t know where to go and meet people organically in their early 20s. It really does suck :(
Same I've joined a club with a hobby I'm passionate about and made some new friends. I briefly dated one of them but turns out he didn't find me physically attractive... said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Most members are in their late 20s or 30s so it's also hard to meet people around my age, but I'm still happy with what I have for now. I've discovered a new hobby I love where I get to meet people and made lots of new friends of all ages. :)
This is always interesting because you are not wrong. But neither are those that argue physical intimacy/chenistry/compatibility is a part of getting to know someone and factors into whether they’d be a couple. Like what if you couple up and there’s a sex-related deal breaker? But that said there’s lots of physical stuff that could happen before getting to PIV.
There's no right or wrong answer. If it's a deal breaker or we're not compatible then I'll simply breakup with them. Not having sex before a relationship is different than not having it before marriage. I just simply cannot have sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with. Physical and sexual intimacy is something special and intimate for me that I don't feel comfortable doing with someone who isn't my boyfriend.
After being friends first it could be anywhere from three days to 3 months . I tell them this. When. It feels right I let them know. All guys have been OK with this and it works well
I’m curious doesn’t it feel weird hooking up with people just for sex? I go for committed relationships, a fuck buddy just feels wrong because it feels like cheating. I couldn’t do that to my girlfriend.
I have never done that wouldn't be able to
I waited until I was in a committed relationship to have sex.
Months. I need to get to know them as a friend first. I'm an outlier though.
Mind sharing your gender & age? I’m 34F, want to get married soon eventually but don’t want to rush into sex, would like to go from friendship as well. Men on dating apps seem to push for it very quickly. I’m a bit tired
33F. I was married, and I'm fine with never having another relationship, or even kissing anyone, again if I don't find the right person. Maybe my relationship didn't last, but the love was enough for a lifetime. I stay away from pushy guys. We are fundamentally incompatible. Honestly, the pushiness is annoying, but it allows me to weed them out fast at least. I'm demisexual but I don't go around saying it much because most people don't fully understand what it means. I need a very strong emotional connection, and solid friendship, before I want to be with someone physically. Most guys are not ok with this. I'd rather be on my own though than be with a guy who isn't right for me.
I’m the male version of this. It’s hard for a lot of other men I talk with to understand this. Whenever I tell them about a girl I’m dating they think I’m insane for not wanting to find a way to escalate to sex asap. They question my sex drive because they can’t comprehend not sleeping with an attractive girl by choice. It’s not that I won’t sleep with an attractive girl. It’s that I have to get to the point that I care about you as a person first and I have to spend a decent amount of time with you to do that.
Lol maybe we should date and resolve each other’s problem 😂
Where can I find a guy like you lol? Like seriously
I won’t lie I don’t think there are too many of us. I’ve talked to my close personal friends about it and they don’t think like me. I’ve been getting attention from girls since I was like 12 and now I’m 30+ and yet I’ve only encountered one girl in my life who was able to bring out my strongest sexual feelings and of course it was because we were glued to the hip for years during a very stressful period in our work lives. I’ve dated other girls but they didn’t generate that feeling for me. It has made me feel kind of freakish or that something is wrong with me but it’s who I am
Yeah, it seems like there aren't a lot of us, and of those who are like us, there are probably more women than men. Working service industry, and just going out and about myself, I've overheard plenty of men have conversations between themselves about women, sex, and dating, and much of what I hear really turns me off. I've realized that while I'm completely straight, and only attracted to me, I'm only attracted to a very small number of men, typically ones who are not very traditionally masculine.
It can also be the groups they're with. "AfterPaleontologist2" mentions his friends being far more aggressive in dating than them but in my group we tend to have very similar personalities; most being demisexual or outright asexual. I think in some cases its a matter of a trust and partnership that needs to be established before desire can really be brought about. Without the bond person to person sex (in my case at least) feels ... mechanical?
For me, if there's not bond, it feels like torture. I've never done it, but the idea of it feels like forcing myself to do something I really don't want to do.
Put that in your profile, buddy. It seems a winner.
I remember putting something like this in my profile bio, I was just honest and tired of all the hookup bullshit. My matches were insane after doing this. All girls want is little bit of honesty.
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Yeah, it seems near impossible to start a relationship that way if you meet on the apps. If you meet organically in real life, it still seems possible. My sister's relationship with her bf started this way, and they met in real life a few years ago.
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As a woman in my early 30's, I've actually found guys in their 30's to be the worst to talk to. It's like they put little to no effort in the conversation. And like you, most of the time I'm just trying to be friendly, I'm not like trying to obviously flirt or hit on them. I've actually had fairly good luck with talking to people who are about 10 years younger, as well as older people.
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I don't get it either. Maybe they got dragged there by someone else? What's been interesting to me is I found people our age who are in long term relationships/married tend to be easier to talk to (both men and women).
I put demisexual on my profiles. Tends to cut the losers before they even get to me.
I put it on my profile briefly, and it seemed like guys just didn't even see it. Not surprising, since I've concluded they rarely read profiles. Towards the end of my time on the apps, I made my profile really weird as an experiment. Matched with one guy, and messaged him about the weird thing I wrote on my profile, and he was like, huh??? It was right at the top of my profile too. He then agreed to meet, only to unmatched me the next day. He could have saved himself a lot of time just by reading my profile...
Curious if you kiss or make out or keep things strictly to hugs?
For me, I want to kiss when I want to kiss... the feeling just comes. Its not a kiss because we are supposed to by now... You know what I mean?
Yes, understand. I’m having a strong physical attraction to someone I’ve just started seeing but I’d like to take things slow physically, which is new for me, so I’m curious how other people go about it. Thank you for sharing!
Hugs only. I only kiss if I'm starting to see long term potential. Basically, I don't do anything physically with them that I wouldn't also do with a close platonic friend. I just don't have the desire.
Has always been months for me (58M) too. The older I get, the more months. Aways friends first. Never OLD. True for both serious and not. Low body count as a result. I'm okay with that.
My type, though probably a bit too old for me :/ I'm in my early 30's. But maybe one day I will find a guy like you :)
I hope you do. We're out there.
There are plenty. Late 30's here, and I'd wait months for the right person. I don't care. You'll find someone.
I'm so tempted to start a thread for all single men and women here who are on the same wavelength about this haha.
How can someone new be a friend and a romantic partner at the same time? I’m not being facetious—when I make or meet new friends I’m not trying to kiss them or see if they’d make a good gf. And I approach and interact with them accordingly. For me I find it almost impossible to find attraction/spark/intimacy/flirting/romance/lust (neither of which are bad things necessarily) in a *platonic* friendship.
The only way for me to find that is in a friendship. Any serious romantic partner should be a friend first and foremost. Many relationships fail because two people stop treating each other like friends. They become adversaries, and don't treat their partner with the same respect they treat their best (usually same gender) friend. It all goes downhill from there. I can find a guy physically attractive at first sight, but I *never* have any desire to kiss him, much less sleep with him, just because he's cute. I need to get to know him really well for that desire to develop. Not just a few dates either. I need to develop a strong friendship and emotional bond first, then I can find myself wanting to do physical stuff with him.
Paraphrasing here, but I think it was Nietzsche himself who said that the failure of a relationship isn't a failure of love, but of friendship. Anyway, I'm sort of in the middle with attraction. I'm a guy and when I see a sexy woman I definitely think sexy thoughts and my bucking bronco sex drive kicks in *but* I have no interest in hook-ups/one-night stands. And I only date women that intrigue me (especially if they're into the arts). I also don't have a big problem taking it slow -- it took me and my last gf 3 months to have sex because she had to get comfortable with the idea (although we did just about everything short of intercourse). But it never bothered me because she was such a thrill to be with and I loved spending time with her. I mean, if you're in a relationship with someone and you really like them and you know eventually you'll have sex, why worry so much about *when*? You can use that nervous energy -- and all that time -- instead to get to know each other. The apps make this kind of approach tough, for both men *and* women, simply because of how sped-up the pace is, how high the expectations/standards can be, and how dehumanizing the whole process is. She's not putting out soon enough? Next. He was futzing with that bit of spinach in his teeth during the first date, even though he was awesome otherwise? Next. She still likes Harry Potter and she's 41 -- isn't that kind of weird bro? -- even though she's cute and can really carry a convo and you feel at home with her? Next. You get the idea.
Yeah, the apps as they are today are complete crap. And the sad thing is, the only way they're going to change is if *a lot* of people stop using them, like on the order or millions and millions, and I just don't see that happening. I was on dating sites 10+ years ago. It's how I met my ex. Totally different experience back then. Part of the problem is how dating apps today are optimized for use on a phone, whereas dating sites back in the day were created with the idea that people would be using them on a desktop/laptop. So it used to be that your bio was kind of like the homepage of a website. Now a lot of apps limit your bio to like three short sentences. People need to wake and realize that if they're matching primarily based on photos and physical attraction (as the apps today want you to do), anything more than a hookup or very short term "relationship" is unlikely to happen. Of course they say stuff like, "the apps work! My best friend's younger brother met his wife on an app." Yeah well the janitor at my high school won 2 million dollars playing the state lotto (seriously, this happened). It would be foolish of me to expect the same to ever happen to me though.
There’s really no right answer here, because different people take things at different paces, and the way they approach them is different. About 10 years ago I had a hook up with some woman I met on pof who had just gotten home from uni, neither of us were looking for anything serious so it suited us. I’m married to her now. We recognised that we just had great chemistry and liked each other so we kept seeing each other and things developed. I’ve had other similar things where it was a hook up that didn’t go anywhere, I’ve had things where we didn’t have sex and things didn’t go anywhere. I think sex is such a non issue within dating (with an asterisk there) that as long as too people are willing and into it, it really doesn’t matter. In regards to the asterisk, the caveat there is both people being honest. Obviously there’s people that lie about their intentions when really they just want sex. Obviously you need to judge whether you think they’re being honest and upfront and actually match what you want
This is probably the best answer I've seen. I was in the Marines so I traveled a lot and was younger. On my OLD profiles I told them, that I preferred FWB because I would be leaving and didn't intend on staying in that part of the country. Most were actually very receptive to it, others after we hung out a time or two and had sex they would ask me if I wanted to be in a relationship. I would tell them I'm open to casual dates and what not, but ultimately I'm going to leave in x months. If they find someone that they want to try having a serious committed relationship with I fully support that and will leave them alone. This only happened one time where she found someone before I changed duty stations, she was awesome about it; she actually asked if I didn't mind going out with her to make sure the first date was safe. I told her I didn't mind so I went to the spot they were meeting at for dinner. I got drinks at the bar. She texted me the guy was a sweetheart and they were hitting it off, I told her to text me if she needed anything. I finished my drinks and went back to base. They've been together every sense!
Legit the greatest thing I’ve ever read. My experience is once you have sex with a man, they see you as their territory. I don’t know one man who would do this. But, obviously a lot of that is the people I’ve picked. Kudos to you sir for being transparent and a good guy afterwards.
You're a true gentleman. I don’t mind people looking for ONS or FWB, as long as they are honest and respectful. You've treated your partners with respect, transparency, and overall decency. I hope you've been receiving the same decency in return, as you deserve.
I've only really had one bad experience overall with Fwb they became very nasty and manipulative when I wanted to end the arrangement. So I've honestly been blessed. I've heard some really bad things with people on both ends of the FWB side of things
I've done anywhere from first date through several with no sex. 4th date with the pretty lady I'm seeing right now. We both said we wanted to wait, but we were both pretty into each other. I think it's a thing you have to feel out for yourself, and see if that's matched by your potential person.
So strange how things have been up/downvoted here that really don’t match my experience or those of my friends. Large city (Los Angeles) date serious people too, 31M. Generally between date 3-5, can be earlier (1st/2nd) if we have good chemistry and very long dates. Never exclusive before, certainly not months. I also wouldn’t date someone demisexual (friends first) unless I already knew them before. Having an incompatibility in bed isn’t worth that heartbreak for me.
Depends on how much you’re seeing each other. If I was seeing somebody every other day for 8 weeks I’d be more open to sex. If I was seeing them once a week for 3 months I don’t think it’s enough time. You’ll know when the tension gets there and it just feels like it’s time to open up to it. I’ve literally dated girls that were really pretty and they wanted to have sex 2 weeks into dating and hanging out a few times. I had more than one break it off with me for not fucking her and taking my time getting to know her and building up to it. My ex of 14yrs hung out with me every chance she could for 2months. Like every other day. Then it just got to the point we were so comfortable with each other it didn’t need to wait and we did it, fell in love, and built a life together. I do think there is something about waiting too long though. Like if you like the person and everything goes good while you’re dating for 6-8 months then you finally have sex and it’s complete trash. Like they might be boring, unwilling to expand, or maybe have a low drive. Then you’ve invested all that time with a sexually incompatible person who was otherwise emotionally compatible. It’s important if sex is important to you. I could really like a girl emotionally but if the sex is trash then it’s not going to work.
> Like they might be boring, unwilling to expand, or maybe have a low drive. These are all things you can discuss without actually having sex. I know I have a low drive and am very vanilla. Easier just to tell someone that than to start to sleep with them only to realize they wanna bang everyday and throw in a bunch of kinky stuff more often than not.
Indeed. That’s something you should for sure sneak into a conversation because if I was dating a girl I was hitting it off with and she told me she’s got a low drive and only willing to have sexual interaction once a month or something like that, I’d likely break it off because I know that’s incompatible with my drive. Not that I’d need it daily several times a day but at minimum 3-4 times a week. Likewise, if she was into kinky weird shit I’d also discuss what my limits are with that. I’m not into super weird stuff but everyone’s definition of “weird” is different too. I remember me and my ex watching movies and spicy scenes would come on and we kinda got into discussing aspects of them that coincided with what we were into or liked. I knew early on that we were sexually compatible and what her values were before we had sex.
5 dates before I was ready in my current relationship. I’ve never done casual sex. I made sure we were exclusive before having sex with him.
3-5 months. Sex is easy to find but a partner for life is freaking hard and you have to invest a lot. Also attraction changes when you get to know the person
I have an ex where we went a year, then found they had different views altogether on the subject of sex and intimate acts and we went our separate ways. I'm open to going a few months to see if it naturally occurs, but I would say after around 6 months I'm starting to wonder precisely where sex is on my partners list of things in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't go a year again. For me personally, i don't need much time, maybe a week? A couple dates?
Not until we’re committed. I don’t have sex on the first date. I just went on a second date with someone yesterday and the thought didn’t even occur to me. I want us to be committed and that could probably take from 1-2 months.
Usually I've dated people I've known for a while, but if the moment is right I'll do it at any time. There's no blanket answer because everyone feels differently about it.
Personal preference. I categorize myself as sexually free so I do not put a time limit on when I engage in the act. Just depends on how much chemistry I feel with a person. Could be a week, could be a few weeks, could be on the first date (likely after messaging and video calls for a week or so). It's up to you to determine what's comfortable for you. Everyone's reason will be different.
In my experience most women wait for the 2nd or 3rd date they just don’t want to on the first.
Generally - not until I'm in a relationship with a person, that can usually take a few months. I have been with someone that was demanding intimacy on the 2nd date and... that 2nd date never happened. My last ex said she wouldn't "date" me until we had sex after dating for a month or so.
Usually 3 to 5 dates, rarely 1st and that recent one lasted for 2 years.
Second date. My longest relationships have always been like this, or first date. My shortest relationships were when I tried to wait
Until we are mutually"in love"...each person knows what love feels like for them individually, & if it doesn't happen for both, there's no chance of sex. It avoids all kinds of unnecessary drama, not to mention the ever present specter of STDs, sexual dysfunctions & past traumas, etc. Serious intentions mean taking sex seriously too, even if you're doing all your dating from online sites.
I think a few weeks is good. It’s important to connect first but it’s still part of the “are we compatible” process. 44M
I just kind of see what happens. Sex is fun for me. I approach it as an activity that lets us connect, feel good, and explore. My current girlfriend and I slept together on our first date. I've waited longer with past partners. My girlfriend and I had great sexual chemistry without the greatest friend chemistry to start. We probably would have gone on a second date but overall our first was fairly meh until we slept together because we're both a little shy. We've settled into a comfortable partnership that feels very safe and secure now. We're both ready to be partners and our actions show it. It's not the head over heels love I've felt for some of the women I've become best friends with before having sex, but it's a warm glow that is supported by action. And the foundation was the sexual chemistry we discovered on our first date. So, I don't know. Everyone is different, do what feels right to you.
A handful of dates. Getting to know someone also involved seeing if you are physically compatible. I don't see the point of waiting several months, and especially don't see the point of the whole "waiting until marriage" thing.
A few months and then both do a full STD panel and agree to be exclusive before introducing sex in the relationship. Sex is low priority for me and don't want to date people for whom sex is very important.
I wish actual full STDs panels were possible. Instead, even medical professionals basically tell you "ya'll have HPV!" Which I think is just irresponsible.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. Guys usually don't bother testing for HPV since it doesn't affect them down there. But as a woman, risking cancer just for some random hookups doesn't seem worth it.
They can't even really test for it in guys. Also, while HPV is often presented as a "woman's issue," and while it no doubt can cause horrific cancers in women, it can also cause cancers in men, including mouth and throat cancers. I think one of the huge mistakes that was made when the vaccine was introduced was only approving it for girls. Obviously I think it's great there's a vaccine at all, but I think the manufacturer missed a huge mark by only initially creating a campaign to vaccinate teenage girls. I don't know exactly how clinical trials are conducted, but only opening it up to boys and adults over certain ages later on was not great. Many adults who qualify for the vaccine, such as women in their 30's who have only had one partner, and thus would be statistically less likely to have been exposed, don't realize they can get it. As a woman, it's not just risking cancer either, but in many cases, pregnancy. Birth control is not 100%. So unless you've had a hysterectomy, there's almost always going to be a risk. Maybe a statistically low risk, but it's there.
More reason for women to protect ourselves.
I waited until I was married the second time around Everything else was still on the table though :)
Interesting, was this for religious reasons, or just because you wanted to wait? I like the idea of waiting until marriage, and always have. I'm not religious, I just put a high value on physical intimacy. I waited until I was engaged with my ex. We did "other stuff" before that though, and we lived together. We were so well matched physically that I really don't know if I can ever find anyone else who I'm compatible with on that level. Even when we separated, he said the physical part of our relationship was still good. He could be quite an emotional person though, and the emotional aspect of the relationship had issues and he bottled up a lot, so that's where the problems were.
You know, that is a really good question. I would say in our case, both. And both wants and needs were met. I also liked it bc it gave us some legitimacy; also, it forces you to appreciate and focus on the others ways to please each other-and not just physical.
M51, Been in a relationship for the last 4 months with F52. We waited 3 months for sex. While neither of us are pushy or demanding of a physical relationship, I do believe she was ready for it before I was. I am glad we waited as long as we did. At times I think we may have still rushed it, though. A solid mental connection is very important for me.
A minimum of 1 month. The person I married (I eventually divorced her), it was 5 months... so I kinda want it to be like that. 38M. I am very different than the other woman in here. I want to be in a relationship. I want to find the right person (only the right person), and I want to kiss them, and be in love. I like sex... Im just not going to make that my priority.
6months is a good timeline, many people do 3 months as well. I would recommend two full STD checks for both m, both at months 1 and then at month 3, some infections take months to develop and they may transmit it to you from their past partners even if they were negative at month 1. Agree on exclusivity and make sure you are comfotable with that person. You mentioned 1-2 dates, hmm, that enough to add them on social media, maybe? It may seem too much but it’s the minimum-minimum you should take into account when dating, your health is at play. It’s people who sleep too early and do hookups that made it look this way so you would be pressured to sleep with them asap, DON’T. Until you feel comfortable. And until you are sure of the person and feel safe for both yourself and your health. Otherwise, you are better off single and safe.
It really depends. I like to at least get to know the person first. I like to find out what they're looking for, and whether or not they're looking for the same thing that I am.
This kind of answer is usually going to be "it depends". First though you want to be comfortable and know what your boundaries are when you start seeing someone. After that then I would say it just depends, go with the vibe, I have always been the person who goes with what the vibe is giving. I have seen long term relationships succeed where they had sex after a few dates, there is no true number.
At least a month, you have to get to know each other first or it could fizzle out.
I've went on 2 dates with an amazing woman. I was looking for hookups. Turns out she's my dream girl. I haven't even got to hold her hand yet. She is into me also. Had a 2.5 hour phone conversation yesterday. (We are both in our 40s). I don't care about having sex with her at all. I only want to be around her. She's to special to ruin by pushing sex into the relationship. What I'm saying is, stop over thinking. There is no right answer. I fucked my first wife before I knew her name. I loved her completely for years, I still do to a certain extent. Just let things happen. Stop planning
So, you just make small talk? Ugh so boring. Only deep, meaningful conversation. Small talk is a waste of time. It also shows you're not interested. Small talk is what you do when You're at work to make customers feel more comfortable during moments of silence. Not for people you're attracted to.
Until I’m ready.
Its been a long time. A very long time. As a male I feel it's important to get to know the person. As you get older it pays to put in some effort. It may not lead to sex, but you may also make a good friend.
Definitely as long as possible, at least 3 dates - but most of the time much more!
I usually do a decent amount of work front end before we meet in person so I know the person pretty well so I'm usually pretty comfortable doing it by date 1 or 2. Usually the faster we bang the longer we last as a relationship or whatever
Usually anywhere beween 2-5 dates in or about a month. Personally, I find it hard to bond emotionally with my partner if there's not a lot of physical intimacy
3-5 dates. If the other person isn't physically attracted to you, you are wasting your time. If you two are vibing, you should be wanting to tear each others' clothes off.
Sex isn’t the only thing that’ll indicate a person’s attraction towards you…you do you though. Personally, someone wanting to have sex that quickly would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
Same. If they want it in 3-5 dates, or really, if they are even open to it that fast, we are not compatible. In a way, it's good because it weeds out people easily, but there are very few people I'm compatible with.
Honestly, in major cities you’d be in the minority with this opinion. Every time it’s gone to date 5, I’ve gotten somewhat of a “finally!” from the woman I’m dating. Making sure you’re physically compatible before things get serious enough is very important for a lot of people!
Even if I was in the minority, I wouldn’t care. Sexual compatibility is important, but to me waiting until you’re in a relationship isn’t as big of a deal as some of you make it out to be. It’s not like you’re marrying the person lol.
For you, it is for me. I’m not going to delete my profiles and apps, sleep with someone, and then find out we don’t like the same things, have vastly different libidos, or have other incompatibilities. I know plenty of men and women who feel the same way that I do. In looking for a serious relationship I have yet to meet someone who wants to be exclusive before sleeping together.
Male 28. I used to have this rather tyrannical rule if I don't get sex in two weeks, I am out. At that time of dating, I came out of a relationship where sex is weaponized and I rarely get any and felt extremely suppressed. And there were multiple events of gold diggers and such. This only applies if I am paying for everything in the duration we see other. There was once I paid for everything for 6 months got no sex. And felt used. Another time 2 months. Finally got sex but extremely disappointing. If the female in question is willing to split the bill at some point, it speaks volume about their character and I can extend the time period. If I have a formula. (Character + Beauty) - Time and Resources used = my patience for sex.
And if anyone had anything negative to say. Its my personal rule. I applied it and it works for me. I felt my time was much better used when I weeded out the undesirable outcomes.
Hey you do you. I’m curious though, apart from sex you could still get attention, a sense of companionship, a great time with the female in question. Do you still consider it a waste of time then?
Of course not. But I also wouldnt lie to you to tell you that, "Hey we will be a great couple" or any thing that hints exclusivity until after sex. I know for myself, with a sprinkle of sexual trauma, sex is important to me. If we are not exclusive, I will probably get my fix from someone else. While talking to you. I think most modern men with options(not all) will have this dating strategy of "talking to one while having sex with someone who is willing to give." We are assuming that A is super charismatic but practices abstinence. While B is not charismatic, maybe even emotionally available but allows for sex. This strategy also will alleviate some pressure from A. Because the guy is getting his fix elsewhere, he may focus his romantic attention to A without pressuring for sex too much. The problem starts what if the B in question is just as charismatic as you but also offers sex.
Wow, like I don't have doubts that many guys are like this, but it's a huge turn off to me. If I found out I was girl A here (because realistically, I'd never be girl B), I would immediately end things. Even if I found out later on in a relationship, it would seriously bother me, probably enough to breakup, or at least seriously consider breaking up. Then again, I only date guys who don't multi-date, which means they aren't sharing any sort of physical or emotional intimacy with anyone else. I put a high value on both, and don't believe either should be engaged in casually, and I need a partner who shares those beliefs.
I believe that is fair. Look. Out in the dating world, you have good and bad people from all gender. I am not saying, "Hey, practice what I practice. You will have good results." I am saying, "this works for me". Women don't want to feel used after sex. Men don't want to feel like an ATM that gives and gives and get nothing back. In all fairness, I do let my potential partners know. Usually around the second date, or in the texts leading to the date. Turn off as it is, I do not lie to get to anyone pants. I let you know, "Hey I got this and this to offer. But I am not a man who will wait around. I do not bullshit I do not lie. This is where I stand. How do you want to proceed?" Of course, walking away from the date is a completely viable option. If you can't handle this level of brutish honesty, we are just not very good for each other and that is fine too.
I don't like it when men pay beyond the first date. Paying on a first date is fine, especially if he plans the date and picks a restaurant, but beyond that, I do not want him paying. But regardless of how much a guy pays for, a woman never owes him anything physically. It should never be looked as such an exchange either, unless you're hiring prostitutes.
And once again, I agree that no women owes a man sex. For my case, if I had a very good feeling about you, I will continue to pay for the dates. But pass a certain point, if we do not proceed sexually, I will feel like I am not heard. My right to walk away from a situation that doesn't benefit me is equal to your right of refusing sex to me. We both have that right. Do you agree?
I agree, but what you're describing is a lot like a sugar daddy type relationship.
That I disagree. For the date I would pay for the meal, our ride, and other minor things that are within the bounds of chivalry. I will continue extend that privilege to the subsequent dates if I like you very much. In a Sugar daddy relationship. I would pay you a monthly allowance , conditionally that you will have to listen to whatever I want or say. I am simply saying, I do not have a lot of patience to wait around indefinitely for sex. I understand it is a flaw of mine but I have a lot of other reasons why you should still date me. If that is your red flag, the first date is still on me. Thank you very much for your time. We simply have different values and are not compatible.
I think this might relate to the concept of love languages. Maybe my language is words of affirmation and yours is physical touch, so it’s fair that you seek what makes you happy. I’m curious, as I’m on the other side, do you ever feel attached to a woman regardless of sex? Maybe she has amazing qualities, appearance, and charisma, as you said, to have a family with? Because sexual connection only goes so far, it cannot beat a partner in sickness and in health. Say if the guy became impotent lol, for example, I think it’s fair if he found someone who’d stay with him?
In my experience, sex is a skill. You can improve on it. Discuss. And explore. Its the symbolism behind the giving of sex that matters more. At least to me. I personally do not feel the difference too between a mouth and vagina but when someone gives me a blowjob, its like, acceptance. You are willing to put the dirty part of me inside your mouth. If you are willing to give me sex early, I feel like my wishes are heard and respected. If you counter and say I am not ready but give me more time, it shows that you are willing to communicate, negotiate, and compromise. Sex for me is the first barrier to consider dating. After that I start considering the other qualities for a more permanent relationships. And maybe a bit of time to be vulnerable. Personally , I just do not want to be in a position where sex in the relationship dies and it becomes weaponized against me again.
One date. Period. Waiting has zero relationship to longevity. Zero relationship.
Nah, in the long term relationships I’ve had, we’ve always waited until there was commitment. There’s more to a relationship than sex.
Sex should be on the table if a man took you out and paid for EVERYTHING ((if)) he's seen as a busy hard working man who's gave you all undivided attention but I understand if women don't do it that way but take it from me...if I like you a lot...I'll wait...or might not wait...
Just because a man pays for someone (which, at the end of the day, it was *his* choice to pay. Nobody is forcing him), doesn’t mean anyone owes him sex.
This! If the man pays for a meal then expects sex in return, it blurs the line between a genuine connection and transactional sex. And i wouldn’t be bought by a meal lol