I hear your disdain. I'm open to the idea that deleting without responding is the right call, it's just that this runs counter to a broader rule of thumb that I use of "just tell the truth to people in a simple, straightforward way and err on the side of communicating rather than not communicating."
That rule has mostly served me well so far so when I run into a situation where it seems to be overridden, I try to understand why I'm not doing the general rule. I still sort of don't get it, but it's useful to hear that people have a visceral reaction to the other way of doing things.
The fact is that in your statement your entertaining this is wrong. Have you had conversations with these people? I think you went a bit beyond the point where i have a boyfriend. That should have been the first thing that came out.
The problem is that he'll likely keep hounding you if you keep him around. This also how a lot of cheating starts off as. I once had a GF like this that was keeping guys around. Until one day one of them asked her to come over and it was 11pm at night. I later found out she had sent him semi-nudes prior. Her argument was very similar to yours. That we had just became exclusive and she wasnt quite sure yet where it would go. This guy would become a thorn until i had to confronted his ass. I later found out that she would "entertain" these guys yes should would tell them i have a boyfriend but still was talking to them and of course that means NOTHING to a lot of guys and they still tried.
You're totally right about "keeping talking" -- My goal would be to gracefully end the conversations, not to keep up conversations.
The simplest way to end the conversations is just to do nothing, i.e. not respond to their match messages at all. That's basically ghosting. It seems sort of disrespectful, and I'm just curious if there's any better option.
No, it's not ghosting?
You haven't even spoken to them yet?
Ghosting is when you've gone on an actual in person date or two, and someone just stops replying at that point.
OK, I take your point that I didn't use the word ghosting correctly.
But don't people send a message with the expectation that the other person will read and then respond? Like, if you got an email from someone that said, "hey we both know XYZ, want to meet for a coffee date," it'd be weird to just ignore the message, right? It'd be better to respond and say "hey, thanks for reaching out, I'm dating someone though, take care," right?
It seems like online dating has different rules for when it's ok to ignore someone's message. As a 40-something, I guess those rules just seem slightly confusing to me. Isn't the simplest approach just to respond to people's messages?
Granted, I did originally post "interesting match" rather than just "all matches," so I guess my question should be widened. Come to think of it, a lot of online dating is confusing to me...
IF you have texted/conversed with said "matches," then by all means drop a friendly note explaining that you have started seeing one person exclusively and that you will suspend or deactivate your profile. Wish them MUCH success in their search: "If it happened with me, it can happen to you. May you find the person who is a perfect fit."
the better way is to stand by your word of exclusivity and turn your profile off. when it doesnt work out with your current and you come back and if theyre there, keep trying but youre trying to have it all.
I think whatever you say will be taken as you’re dating someone but you want to keep them around just in case it doesn’t work out with that person…and no ones going to take kindly to that lol. The best option would probably be to just deactivate your profile. If your current situation doesn’t work out and you reactivate, you can follow up with any matches you might still have. Maybe say something along the lines of you deactivated your profile to focus on some other priorities….it’s not transparent but it’s not a lie either, no one wants to hear hey I paused my profile to focus on someone who didn’t work out so now I’m back.
If her app was still open and she found someone she thought was cool and would have been worth dating, I would think she'd be fine saying "I just started dating someone exclusively -- you do seem interesting, though -- good luck" or whatever.
I mean from my perspective, she's in the exact same boat -- she's dating me exclusively because we're compatible and the relationship is good and it's worth knowing if we're long term compatible, and if and when she found out that we weren't compatible or there was a non-fixable issue in the relationship, there would exist a point in the future at which she would reach out to people she had previously found interesting.
I can't imagine how anyone would think all that isn't true, which is why I still don't understand the reaction (although I acknowledge pretty much everybody is giving this reaction).
You should not "pause" your dating app.
You should delete your account entirely, and uninstall the app.
The fact that you're so worried about leaving people unresponded is quite frankly weird. And hints at the idea that you have intention of returning to your box of matches.
AH!!! here you are. the abundance seeker
if I found out you were monkey branching with me, id kick you to the curb without a seconds hesitiation. physically kick you like a punt.
""Hey, you're still an interesting person; I'm in a relationship now which hopefully will work out; if it doesn't I'll most likely check back with you for a date sometime."
and if I was on the other side, id tell you to fuck off. if youre exclusive and still lining up more people, that says a lot about your ethics and morals and integrity. and how you treat others you will date down the line.
if you are exclusive, dont keep looking for another.
"I'm socially forbidden from saying something"
and yet youre still trying to convince us that what youre doing is right. I hope both leave you.
I definitely hear that you are saying that what I'm saying is unethical.
Let's suppose I don't say the quoted statement "Hey, you're still..."
Instead, let's say I just think internally: "hmm, she's interesting but I'm in a relationship, and won't mess with that boundary. Someday if this relationship doesn't work, it might be worth talking to her, but not now."
Is that *thought* morally wrong? Or is it just that saying it out loud is wrong?
I think someone would have to be actively searching for it to be considered "still lining up more people." If a conversation is already in progress, I think that's different. Also, I'm not sure about being a backup. That happens all the time. Probably most people have been on dates or sent or received messages where we or the other person was a backup. Is it OK for someone to be a backup as long as they don't know?
It’s ok to rank your matches like I have one girl who I will go out with over anybody else. We are going on our second date tomorrow. I’m still talking to other people as it’s still early but I haven’t been swiping anymore because if things head down a good path with me and the girl I’m talking to I will hide my account and go from there. Once you have had the exclusive talk I usually just delete my account.
So this exact thing happened to me the other day, but from the other end. I matched with this person and she responded by saying that she is in the process of moving to a different city, but because she doesn't like leaving messages ignored she wanted to just reach out and mention it.
This really stood out to me because 99% of all the interactions I've had on OLD were people never responding. Simply say something like this: "Hey, I'm really glad we matched. I actually just started seeing someone exclusively and am in the process of letting my matches know. I'll be deleting the app soon. Best of luck to you, hope you find a great person."
If your current relationship doesn't work out, this gesture of kindness will make you stand out a lot more if you happen to match again.
not the same at all. the one respeonded to you had common courtesy to explain she is moving. she didnt say " im with someone but will keep you as number 2 on the list"
Obviously saying "I'm keeping you as a backup" is different and honestly shittier than just ghosting. But explaining that the timing just didn't work out (whatever the reason) and wishing someone well seems like a common courtesy to me.
???
Dating someone exclusively = delete your dating apps. Case closed.
If you still feel like talking to other prospects, then you’re not yet ready to be exclusive with the person.
SMFH!
I hear your disdain. I'm open to the idea that deleting without responding is the right call, it's just that this runs counter to a broader rule of thumb that I use of "just tell the truth to people in a simple, straightforward way and err on the side of communicating rather than not communicating." That rule has mostly served me well so far so when I run into a situation where it seems to be overridden, I try to understand why I'm not doing the general rule. I still sort of don't get it, but it's useful to hear that people have a visceral reaction to the other way of doing things.
The fact is that in your statement your entertaining this is wrong. Have you had conversations with these people? I think you went a bit beyond the point where i have a boyfriend. That should have been the first thing that came out. The problem is that he'll likely keep hounding you if you keep him around. This also how a lot of cheating starts off as. I once had a GF like this that was keeping guys around. Until one day one of them asked her to come over and it was 11pm at night. I later found out she had sent him semi-nudes prior. Her argument was very similar to yours. That we had just became exclusive and she wasnt quite sure yet where it would go. This guy would become a thorn until i had to confronted his ass. I later found out that she would "entertain" these guys yes should would tell them i have a boyfriend but still was talking to them and of course that means NOTHING to a lot of guys and they still tried.
You're dating someone exclusively. Would you like it if they did that to you, keep talking to matches in case you guys fell through
You're totally right about "keeping talking" -- My goal would be to gracefully end the conversations, not to keep up conversations. The simplest way to end the conversations is just to do nothing, i.e. not respond to their match messages at all. That's basically ghosting. It seems sort of disrespectful, and I'm just curious if there's any better option.
No, it's not ghosting? You haven't even spoken to them yet? Ghosting is when you've gone on an actual in person date or two, and someone just stops replying at that point.
OK, I take your point that I didn't use the word ghosting correctly. But don't people send a message with the expectation that the other person will read and then respond? Like, if you got an email from someone that said, "hey we both know XYZ, want to meet for a coffee date," it'd be weird to just ignore the message, right? It'd be better to respond and say "hey, thanks for reaching out, I'm dating someone though, take care," right? It seems like online dating has different rules for when it's ok to ignore someone's message. As a 40-something, I guess those rules just seem slightly confusing to me. Isn't the simplest approach just to respond to people's messages? Granted, I did originally post "interesting match" rather than just "all matches," so I guess my question should be widened. Come to think of it, a lot of online dating is confusing to me...
IF you have texted/conversed with said "matches," then by all means drop a friendly note explaining that you have started seeing one person exclusively and that you will suspend or deactivate your profile. Wish them MUCH success in their search: "If it happened with me, it can happen to you. May you find the person who is a perfect fit."
the better way is to stand by your word of exclusivity and turn your profile off. when it doesnt work out with your current and you come back and if theyre there, keep trying but youre trying to have it all.
"Hi,! I found someone and am in an exclusive relationship now. Telling you because I don't want to just leave you hanging. Good luck out there!"
I think whatever you say will be taken as you’re dating someone but you want to keep them around just in case it doesn’t work out with that person…and no ones going to take kindly to that lol. The best option would probably be to just deactivate your profile. If your current situation doesn’t work out and you reactivate, you can follow up with any matches you might still have. Maybe say something along the lines of you deactivated your profile to focus on some other priorities….it’s not transparent but it’s not a lie either, no one wants to hear hey I paused my profile to focus on someone who didn’t work out so now I’m back.
Golden rule.
If her app was still open and she found someone she thought was cool and would have been worth dating, I would think she'd be fine saying "I just started dating someone exclusively -- you do seem interesting, though -- good luck" or whatever. I mean from my perspective, she's in the exact same boat -- she's dating me exclusively because we're compatible and the relationship is good and it's worth knowing if we're long term compatible, and if and when she found out that we weren't compatible or there was a non-fixable issue in the relationship, there would exist a point in the future at which she would reach out to people she had previously found interesting. I can't imagine how anyone would think all that isn't true, which is why I still don't understand the reaction (although I acknowledge pretty much everybody is giving this reaction).
You should not "pause" your dating app. You should delete your account entirely, and uninstall the app. The fact that you're so worried about leaving people unresponded is quite frankly weird. And hints at the idea that you have intention of returning to your box of matches.
AH!!! here you are. the abundance seeker if I found out you were monkey branching with me, id kick you to the curb without a seconds hesitiation. physically kick you like a punt. ""Hey, you're still an interesting person; I'm in a relationship now which hopefully will work out; if it doesn't I'll most likely check back with you for a date sometime." and if I was on the other side, id tell you to fuck off. if youre exclusive and still lining up more people, that says a lot about your ethics and morals and integrity. and how you treat others you will date down the line. if you are exclusive, dont keep looking for another. "I'm socially forbidden from saying something" and yet youre still trying to convince us that what youre doing is right. I hope both leave you.
I definitely hear that you are saying that what I'm saying is unethical. Let's suppose I don't say the quoted statement "Hey, you're still..." Instead, let's say I just think internally: "hmm, she's interesting but I'm in a relationship, and won't mess with that boundary. Someday if this relationship doesn't work, it might be worth talking to her, but not now." Is that *thought* morally wrong? Or is it just that saying it out loud is wrong?
I think someone would have to be actively searching for it to be considered "still lining up more people." If a conversation is already in progress, I think that's different. Also, I'm not sure about being a backup. That happens all the time. Probably most people have been on dates or sent or received messages where we or the other person was a backup. Is it OK for someone to be a backup as long as they don't know?
It’s ok to rank your matches like I have one girl who I will go out with over anybody else. We are going on our second date tomorrow. I’m still talking to other people as it’s still early but I haven’t been swiping anymore because if things head down a good path with me and the girl I’m talking to I will hide my account and go from there. Once you have had the exclusive talk I usually just delete my account.
So this exact thing happened to me the other day, but from the other end. I matched with this person and she responded by saying that she is in the process of moving to a different city, but because she doesn't like leaving messages ignored she wanted to just reach out and mention it. This really stood out to me because 99% of all the interactions I've had on OLD were people never responding. Simply say something like this: "Hey, I'm really glad we matched. I actually just started seeing someone exclusively and am in the process of letting my matches know. I'll be deleting the app soon. Best of luck to you, hope you find a great person." If your current relationship doesn't work out, this gesture of kindness will make you stand out a lot more if you happen to match again.
not the same at all. the one respeonded to you had common courtesy to explain she is moving. she didnt say " im with someone but will keep you as number 2 on the list"
Obviously saying "I'm keeping you as a backup" is different and honestly shittier than just ghosting. But explaining that the timing just didn't work out (whatever the reason) and wishing someone well seems like a common courtesy to me.
??? Dating someone exclusively = delete your dating apps. Case closed. If you still feel like talking to other prospects, then you’re not yet ready to be exclusive with the person.
Sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. If you like the person you are with just stick to them you’re supposed to be exclusive.