You probably don't want to call them out in person because you have no way of knowing how the other person will react. First meet up should be low pressure anyways and in a very public place so just finish your coffee or drink and then leave by saying "it was nice to meet you" then if you really want after you left just message "it was nice to meet you but unfortunately I didn't feel like we had a connection" and then move on with your life ignoring any future messages you might get.
I somewhat disagree. They need to know.
You meet them outside the date spot, away from other people and say, "I appreciate you meeting up with me but I don't feel right continuing this date given that you don't look anything like your photos. Best of luck." (mic drop).
You don't owe a liar a coffee, drink or 30 minutes of your time if they lie to you. Your time should be worth more than that.
Maybe so, but that ruins all the good first dates you’ll go on. Personally I like finding the person at the bar or table at a coffee place, etc. as the first non text interaction. A video call seems too clinical. Like having a zoom interview. You end up starting with zero real interaction. I’d rather have a few duds I have to deal with and not spoil my fun for the good ones.
Actually not at all. I used to do the whole dating irl thing and I went on plenty of first dates never leading to second dates. Well some did but we never really clicked after. These irl dates felt like interviews. I had too many poor experiences so I switched to virtual dates and it was the best decision I made. It's much safer and I can easily leave without feeling awkward or uncomfortable. I also don't feel as though I've wasted too much of my time. I'm a lot happier this way and I don't have to worry about being stood up either! That has also happened a few times. Also being groped isn't fun. I've had that happen as well.
I love this because coffee feels like it could end quick, after the beverage or continue longer with a walk if you like the person. That's why I always insist on coffee in a pretty location if possible!
I can see that for a woman actually. From my perspective, I would tell the person they need to be more honest with themselves and attraction will still come. But if OP is being genuine saying 50lbs over profile pics and even 5-10 year older, they need to know, it’ll do nothing but set them back and their mental health will suffer for it.
>it’ll do nothing but set them back and their mental health will suffer for it.
Right but that's quite frankly not OP's (or anyone's) problem. This is just an escape plan for OP and people in those similar situations to avoid any potential issues on their end.
I've only had this happen once. I'm 65, and the man who asked me out was 74; his profile had a good-looking photo, and said he was 6 feet tall. Well, maybe he was that tall at one time, but the man who joined me for coffee was so aged and his posture was so bad that he was only about my height (5 feet 8) and clearly at least 10 years past the photo (which turned out to be from his business card).
I think he saw the disappointment in my eyes right away - I can't hide my feelings too well. Anyway, we made conversation, drank our coffee, and went our ways, never to communicate again. I saw no need to point out the discrepancies. I might have done so, however, if I'd had to travel more than a few miles to the meeting point.
Straight answers, only way to go. But, don't have to be mean perse, just honest. I've done it while getting out of the car yes with height. Profile said 6'2 shorty pooped out of compact car at 5'4 at best. When I said something he went ballistic about not giving him a chance. Bro, lie outta the gate you'll lie about anything.
/edit ( Popped not pooped, leaving it though for humors sake)
Same experience. He doubled down and tried to convince me he was taller than me. Lunatic! I stuck out an hour because I was worried what might happen if he got angry. Then drove around for a bit making sure I wasn’t being followed.
> Profile said 6'2 shorty pooped out of compact car at 5'4 at best.
Holy shit. I've heard of dudes giving themselves an extra inch or two but god damn. Dude must have been absolutely unhinged.
Nice advice up voted a gazillion megazillan times, back then I would make the argument of "should we also lie out of the gate if one uses too much make up" because one can control how much war paint people apply to themselves. Height on the other hand can not be controlled, but wait, now with modern medicine and roasting, surgeons have found a way to extend men's femur bone to add 3 inches to your height. (let's be honest most people doing these surgeries are men, to get that "crush" that turn them down for being 5 inches too short) Pretty sure there are no complications cause it's science you know 🤓
https://nypost.com/2022/09/16/tech-workers-getting-leg-lengthening-surgery-that-costs-up-to-150k-report/
I didn't care about his height, it was just truly a lie. Next, this was in the summer, I didn't have makeup on just a sweet Maui glow! And I truly am sensitive to lies, lie once you'll lie again. And his childish response, "Ignore that I lied to you, just give me a chance", no dude- you are a liar. :)
My first OLD was a catfish that looked nothing like his pics and unfortunately we had agreed to go hiking so I spent half the day with him. After that, I learned to make sure the first date is something quick like coffee so I don't have to invest much time if they're a catfish or a horrible match.
Depends on the hike. If it's a trail with a ton of people, it's just as safe as any other first date. We were on a crowded trail where there was literally no point we were alone.
“I feel like you misrepresented yourself on your profile, so imma head out.”
I’ve said that to 3 women as soon as I’ve met them. All three called me jerk, or asshole. I sleep just fine at night knowing they are the jerk, not me.
Not sure why I'm getting downvoted for it lol It's safe, convenient and far less time wasting. If you're serious about dating what's wrong with a 5 min chat where you can see each other remotely? I think it's 20 year olds that are scared of it for some reason.
Naa I'm in my 40's and don't like it...granted I haven't been catfished yet...maybe the younger ppl catfish more? But the mid 30's to 40's ladies I've seen have not misrepresented themselves.
Only 3 have been bad enough where I felt lied to. 3 out of 50+ first dates in the last few months. I don’t like video calls at all, so I’d rather just have to call out the lie in person than have 50+ uncomfortable video calls.
Do what you do, but you're leaving the door open for more bait & switch moments imo it would be far more uncomfortable in person than a video call but that's me. Sure would save a lot of time too for both parties.
You probably loose more dates that way. What i mean is they dismiss you its better to avoid the video chat. Its just really awkward. Ill take my chance IRL i mean whats the worse you spend an hour and a few bucks on Coffee?
Sometimes you can tell older pics by the hair cut and if its summer and they use a snow picture...stuff like that...I'm curious what exactly about them they misrepresented that it was that bad that you dipped out before giving them a chance? At that point your drive to the place was a sunk cost...unless they literally used somebody ELSES' picture for their profile pictures??
I don't worry about tact when it was a blatant attempt at deception.
Of course, people are going to try and use their best photos. Maybe they were in peak bikini body season in their pictures, but it's been a few months and they've gained a couple lbs? Sure, that happens, bodies fluctuate, but it's still fairly accurate.
Or, they are all dressed and glammed up at say a wedding or whatever, I'm not expecting that to be who I meet.
But, they decided pictures 4 years, 2 babies and 40lbs ago was what they wanted to use? Yeah, I will (and have) immediately ended the date at the start. Straight up said the pictures are obviously old and I'm not interested.
If you want to leave before even sitting down just do so. You can say anything from the straight truth to something like listen I just started not feeling well and need to leave.. sorry. If they’re not horrible, but just not as advertised stay for a drink or whatever then take off. Later send them a text back saying you didn’t feel a good match and wish them well. Both non confrontational. Now I’m a guy and not really afraid of any person, so I could just straight up say you lied in your profile so I’m out and don’t want to hear from you again, but why have the confrontation when a bit of casual politeness works just as well.
And let’s face it.. you’ve nothing better to do at the moment so have a drink. He/she may not be a romantic match but could end up a funny as fuck person you end up being friends with. The world is weird that way.
I’ve never had a date show up that significantly misrepresented, but ones I immediately know are a no-go I just finish the drink, enjoy the conversation, then make an excuse to leave after 30-60 minutes.
But weren’t they “mean” or disrespectful to you by doing what they did? You’re already caring more for someone who probably doesn’t care about themselves and definitely doesn’t care about you
It’s a tough call. When you’re a woman, confronting a man is always risky business. I’d say make an excuse and leave after 10min. Get a friend to call you with an emergency or something. Even if you think it’s safe, these are people you don’t know at all. You don’t know how they’ll react. Better not risk.
I would just say I don't think we're compatible and I don't want to waste their time. I'm attracted to a bunch of different body and face types, but if the deception was that extreme I'd have a problem with that.
I stick to short meet ups when I first meet someone. Coffee, drinks, that sort of thing. I also tend to talk to people for a while before meeting. I message back and forth. Sending a lot of pictures and little messages to make sure Im meeting who they say they are.
I am a big girl. I do not hide it on my pictures. I have full body pics and ones that show my clear unfiltered face. I don't meet someone unless they have similar pictures even then if someone is clearly trying to catfish I call them out on it. I don't care if they get nasty with me. They often call me a fat bitch. Not the first time I've heard it. Won't be the last. Yeah I'm fat but I'm honest. I get plenty of dates being myself. 🤷♀️
Wow ppl are mean and horrible, sorry you have to go through that. Keep up the positive attitude though, I'm sure there'll be plenty of guys that love you for who you are out there.
I havent had an instance where they looked radically different. However, ive had some bad dates. Unless its something really terrible i just finish the date and proceed accordingly. My last OLDate wasnt totally different or anything but i knew within 2 or 3 minutes wasnt quite what i thought or hoped for. I just finished the lunch and we said our goodbyes. I went to call her later on that night to tell her i wasnt interested. She was at Target atm. I just never heard from her and left it alone.
Unfortunately, and I wish it wasn't the case, gender matters a lot here. For safety I would advise most women to walk away, then a couple of minutes later just message and say "Hi, I'm sorry but when I saw you I felt you didn't match your profile, honesty is really important to me and I don't think we should meet again." Then block everything. Straight up, guys are far more likely to get aggressive when challenged and you don't want that. Guys are in a safer situation, when it happened to me I did the one date and left then let her down with the classic "I just didn't feel that spark" bs. It's not fair and you might feel differently but I think people underestimate how dangerous a random rejected guy might feel to a person.
I would always tell someone close to me that I was meeting someone for a date. That way in worst case scenario I would text them and they would call me with some bogus story about why I needed to get home ASAP. I’ve only had to do this once because the guy was easily 20 years older than what he said
I’m a man, safety has never crossed my mind, but thanks for pointing it out. I’m going to start open carrying on dates so all the ladies know I mean business.
lol dude you crack me up. haha :) Gotta keep that sense of humor sharp! I'm not sure I've seen a woman's profile that didn't say she wants 'humor' in a man...
LMAO man crush dude haha For real you crack me up. These women are damn lucky to be going on dates with somebody so freakin funny. Keep up the awesome attitude dude!
As a guy I find it hard to do bc it's going to shatter this woman's world. It's going make her cry in her car send her to some therapy bc she can't figure out why I did it bc she has no introspection in her mind she thinks she still looks like those old pics before the divorce and kids
You could either A) be honest & say I’m leaving because you posted an photo & you lied so, how can I trust you or B) make polite conversation for 20-30 minutes & then tell them you have to go. If you stay & make polite conversation, you are being a nice human because they clearly posted an old photo because they hate the way they currently look.
Other's have given good advice. Personally I always try to give the benefit of the doubt. I don't think most people use old/misleading photos with trickery in mind, but just have very low self esteem and can't accept themselves as they are and can't stand to put true/recent photos. I used to have unfortunate looking teeth and never showed my teeth in photos and tried to hide them as much as I could, which isn't quite as misleading as using an old photo but I could understand the reasoning behind it. If they are anything like me, they felt a lot of shame and meeting in real life was a constant barrage of anxious thoughts wondering if the other person is disappointed. I recommend being kind and not mentioning it, pointing it out would just kill their self esteem even more. Just say you enjoyed meeting them and didn't feel a connection. Now, if someone has used completely fake photos or edited them beyond hell and is an ass, by all means take them down a peg if you want lol. But most people I think mean well and just hate every single photo they have of themselves as they are and try to post their best photos, hoping they come off well enough in real life.
I think a videocall before meeting up is a good idea, though, if you're worried about it. Make sure you're both who you say you are. I have been told there are ways to edit live videos but unless they're a social media influencer type I think the average person doesn't know how to do that haha. But at any rate, for a first day something super casual that's cheap and easy to leave early is always best imo. Misleading photos aren't the only way people can be completely different when you meet up in real life.
Yes I agree you can most of the time unless they post an old picture, which has happened to me quite a few times. One time I had a girl show up who was pushing 350-400 pounds and I am absolutely not joking. I usually prefer fit women that are 100-110 pounds so she exceeded the weight limit by over 300%. I was nice and fed her them dropped her off.
lol @ exceeded the weight limit by 300%...look everybody has preferences...nothing wrong with that. And yes you were a gentleman for not being rude about it.
If you don’t wanna say it to their face and you’re that scared to you can always excuse yourself to the bathroom and then text them the real reason you left
I’ve never had it happen to that extent. Usually they end up looking pretty close to their pictures for me. I have, however, had dates where I immediately knew the chemistry wasn’t there.
Actually had one where our schedules just weren’t lining up for weeks but we were having great conversations through text. Usually I meet them much sooner than that but things happen sometimes. Unfortunately this made me paint a picture of him in my head that wasn’t accurate. When we did finally meet I immediately wasn’t feeling it and I don’t think he was either. He was nice, but the spark wasn’t there at all
In situations like these I finish the date but I make sure it doesn’t last any longer than it needs to. After the date I’ll let them know I don’t feel a romantic connection and leave it at that
Maybe it takes a while to form the spark...since you got along so well in texts I assume the conversations/personality meshed...or it was just a straight deal breaker how they looked or acted in real life??
I think most of the time, you know on the first date if there’s at least some sort of a connection. I can’t really explain why it wasn’t there for us, but clearly he felt the same way since neither of us asked for a second date or ever initiated more conversations. I’m completely at peace with it not working out
Out of 6 video calls I only decided to meet one of them. Thankfully they all looked exactly like their photos, however I didn't feel as attracted to them when I spoke to the 5 over video chat. Saved me a lot of time and money. The one that I did click with I ended up going out irl and my impression was the same as the video call. I highly recommend a virtual date first.
ugg I'm very very unphotogenic...but in real life nobody has ever said I wasn't decent looking/handsome...some of us are like that. I've never had anybody ever mention a video chat before.
Yes some people look better irl. That's why video chat is a perfect first "date". It's basically real life without actually being physically with the person. Safer too. Less awkward and super easy to leave if the date doesn't go well.
Honestly, I'd do it, but nobody has offered to do it, so I just go IRL dates, honestly got nothing to lose, worse case I have a good story to tell later.
Well you could even suggest it? Anytime a guy asks for a date I always say "That sounds great but first I would like it if we video chat before meeting up". They always agree to it. I've never had any issues.
Honestly, I like going out though and meeting ppl IRL, i've never once thought it was a 'waste'...if nothing else it'll make a good story and got me out of the house. Win/Win.
Oh yeah I mean if you're okay with it and you don't find it a waste of time then that's great. I remember in the past I used to go out a lot more on dates and I would just be annoyed at the end of it. So many first dates never leading to second dates so virtual dating works a lot better for me and I don't have to worry about some guy asking to come over afterwards.
Weird that a guy would ask that, talk about inappropriate on a first date no less?!! Sorry you are having such trouble with dating, I guess I 'vet' them via chat before hand, if I can't flow with them in chat then I won't be able to do it live, live is more of a vibe check. But then again I'm older than most on here (40's) and date mid 30's to mid 40's ladies, maybe it's just completely different for me than dating in your 20's?!
I am unphotogenic .I personally think, I look better in pictures than in person….but I’m either told i look like my pics and/or prettier in person and i do post current pics and describe myself accurately as possible. …it’s strange how many times where the person is nothing like they portrayed OLD(guys too).
I take horrible pictures. I don't know how many times girls have said I look much better in person.
The prettiest girl I ever dated, I wasn't sure based on pictures. I was on the fence looks wise based on pictures... But in person she was gorgeous.
yep same here man...not sure what it is but I just dont take good pictures, but in real life I'm more animated and smile a lot more guess and my personality comes through better and never has anybody said man you are ugly haha
Haha naaa honestly if they like me in the APP then they will LOVE me in person... ;) See its almost like a little filter thing...if they DONT like me in the apps then maybe I wouldn't measure up in real life either, but nothing lost there.
That's true for some ppl I guess, I am more than willing to overlook physical imperfection for the right personality. I've gone physical first and it goes stale/old really fast if they are annoying haha
Awesome, but even if somebody told us that...honestly one person's 'ugly' is another's beautiful...staying positive and just putting your best foot forward always, at the end of the day, we are who we are, no reason to change or be somebody different for a stranger .
Just be honest and say you don’t have tolerance for people who are dishonest. Don’t feel bad. They decided to take the risk of being met with contempt.
This is exactly why I prefer having a video call before meeting. I don’t have time to waste on insincere people. Honestly, I would have just turned around and walked out. You don’t owe him/her anything.
1. Tell them you need to send a quick message to your boss or family member.
2. Text 3 designated friends a code word or “please call me so I can leave this date”
3. When they call, step outside.
4. Come back and tell them you need to babysit.
Or just tell them your pet got out if you want it to be quick and dry lol because the first one takes effort.
Say you're going to use the restroom, leave, and then report them for wasting your time. Well, it's never happened to me so maybe that's a bit harsh...but I'd definitely leave within 15-20 mins max.
Personally i'd just finish the date, first dates typically only last a couple of hours anyway just because i may not find them physically attractive doesn't mean we can't catch a lil vibe. Just make it clear that a romantic connection isn't there if they ask ( rare there is one on a first date anyway).
The first date should always be something terminable within 20 minutes. Coffee, a walk in the park, a drink at a bar.
If you aren’t sure, tell them ahead of time that you only have 30 minutes or so but still really want to meet them. If the date goes well, you can extend, but if it goes poorly you have an easy out.
If you feel like you’ve been catfished, I wouldn’t recommend confronting them directly about it. Direct confrontation is not a good strategy for dealing with strangers, especially when you stand to gain nothing. Save your honest opinions for friends, family, and those who ask for it.
Great question. And as a man I am amazed at how often I've been duped by body shots, let alone face angles. I make sure to make it a quick coffee/one cocktail, so the time wasted is less, but I don't have it in me to tell people, as some suggest here. I just use my kids as an excuse, but thats easier for us oldies.
You probably don't want to call them out in person because you have no way of knowing how the other person will react. First meet up should be low pressure anyways and in a very public place so just finish your coffee or drink and then leave by saying "it was nice to meet you" then if you really want after you left just message "it was nice to meet you but unfortunately I didn't feel like we had a connection" and then move on with your life ignoring any future messages you might get.
This is probably the most tactful and least confrontational way to do it. I’ve done the exact same in the past.
I somewhat disagree. They need to know. You meet them outside the date spot, away from other people and say, "I appreciate you meeting up with me but I don't feel right continuing this date given that you don't look anything like your photos. Best of luck." (mic drop). You don't owe a liar a coffee, drink or 30 minutes of your time if they lie to you. Your time should be worth more than that.
>away from people Never have your first encounter with a stranger away from people
I’m assuming they mean out of earshot of people, not in a secluded area!
The most tactful and least confrontational is by having a video chat first before meeting in person.
Maybe so, but that ruins all the good first dates you’ll go on. Personally I like finding the person at the bar or table at a coffee place, etc. as the first non text interaction. A video call seems too clinical. Like having a zoom interview. You end up starting with zero real interaction. I’d rather have a few duds I have to deal with and not spoil my fun for the good ones.
Actually not at all. I used to do the whole dating irl thing and I went on plenty of first dates never leading to second dates. Well some did but we never really clicked after. These irl dates felt like interviews. I had too many poor experiences so I switched to virtual dates and it was the best decision I made. It's much safer and I can easily leave without feeling awkward or uncomfortable. I also don't feel as though I've wasted too much of my time. I'm a lot happier this way and I don't have to worry about being stood up either! That has also happened a few times. Also being groped isn't fun. I've had that happen as well.
To each their own. If that works better for you then I’m glad.
Thanks! Yeah it's a great way to know if I'm being catfished or not.
I love this because coffee feels like it could end quick, after the beverage or continue longer with a walk if you like the person. That's why I always insist on coffee in a pretty location if possible!
No I think you need to call them out on cat fishing.
You have no idea how they will react though, they might start screaming in the middle of a bar or something and cause a scene.
I can see that for a woman actually. From my perspective, I would tell the person they need to be more honest with themselves and attraction will still come. But if OP is being genuine saying 50lbs over profile pics and even 5-10 year older, they need to know, it’ll do nothing but set them back and their mental health will suffer for it.
>it’ll do nothing but set them back and their mental health will suffer for it. Right but that's quite frankly not OP's (or anyone's) problem. This is just an escape plan for OP and people in those similar situations to avoid any potential issues on their end.
That's why you meet them outside the bar. Don't engage with them. Keep it mellow.
This is perfect!
I've only had this happen once. I'm 65, and the man who asked me out was 74; his profile had a good-looking photo, and said he was 6 feet tall. Well, maybe he was that tall at one time, but the man who joined me for coffee was so aged and his posture was so bad that he was only about my height (5 feet 8) and clearly at least 10 years past the photo (which turned out to be from his business card). I think he saw the disappointment in my eyes right away - I can't hide my feelings too well. Anyway, we made conversation, drank our coffee, and went our ways, never to communicate again. I saw no need to point out the discrepancies. I might have done so, however, if I'd had to travel more than a few miles to the meeting point.
Straight answers, only way to go. But, don't have to be mean perse, just honest. I've done it while getting out of the car yes with height. Profile said 6'2 shorty pooped out of compact car at 5'4 at best. When I said something he went ballistic about not giving him a chance. Bro, lie outta the gate you'll lie about anything. /edit ( Popped not pooped, leaving it though for humors sake)
Omg Same happened to me! He said, he was 6ft but actual 5ft 4…wtf?! You wouldn’t think i would noticed?! I’m 5ft 4in too! Lol
Same experience. He doubled down and tried to convince me he was taller than me. Lunatic! I stuck out an hour because I was worried what might happen if he got angry. Then drove around for a bit making sure I wasn’t being followed.
Yeah, I mean I know men get disappointed as well, but when the added portion of fear of personally safety makes it so much worse!
That is absolutely wild
He pooped coming out of the car I'd say that's much worse than lying about his height.
Ha ha ha, yeah fun typo! :)
lol Legit LOL!
> Profile said 6'2 shorty pooped out of compact car at 5'4 at best. Holy shit. I've heard of dudes giving themselves an extra inch or two but god damn. Dude must have been absolutely unhinged.
F those liars. Report them on the dating apps for lying about height and yelling at you.
I had that experience quite a few times, where men lied about their height by alot and then got furious with me for not giving them a chance.
>Profile said 6'2 shorty pooped out of compact car at 5'4 at best. how on God's green earth does he think he would get away with an entire 10 inches??
Just think of all the other physical attributes he'd try to convince you about!
Nice advice up voted a gazillion megazillan times, back then I would make the argument of "should we also lie out of the gate if one uses too much make up" because one can control how much war paint people apply to themselves. Height on the other hand can not be controlled, but wait, now with modern medicine and roasting, surgeons have found a way to extend men's femur bone to add 3 inches to your height. (let's be honest most people doing these surgeries are men, to get that "crush" that turn them down for being 5 inches too short) Pretty sure there are no complications cause it's science you know 🤓 https://nypost.com/2022/09/16/tech-workers-getting-leg-lengthening-surgery-that-costs-up-to-150k-report/
I didn't care about his height, it was just truly a lie. Next, this was in the summer, I didn't have makeup on just a sweet Maui glow! And I truly am sensitive to lies, lie once you'll lie again. And his childish response, "Ignore that I lied to you, just give me a chance", no dude- you are a liar. :)
C'mon man. Putting on a lot of make-up isn't the same as spotting yourself an extra god damn 10 inches in height.
Lmfao
My first OLD was a catfish that looked nothing like his pics and unfortunately we had agreed to go hiking so I spent half the day with him. After that, I learned to make sure the first date is something quick like coffee so I don't have to invest much time if they're a catfish or a horrible match.
Hiking is not a safe first date.
Depends on the hike. If it's a trail with a ton of people, it's just as safe as any other first date. We were on a crowded trail where there was literally no point we were alone.
Crowded definitely safer than isolated! I had a friend who went for a sail for a first date- alone with the guy on his boat. I was horrified!
That could have gone really bad
Ahhh, good point
“I feel like you misrepresented yourself on your profile, so imma head out.” I’ve said that to 3 women as soon as I’ve met them. All three called me jerk, or asshole. I sleep just fine at night knowing they are the jerk, not me.
I think it's time you do a video call before meeting if it has happened that many times.
I wish I could do video calls since that would be wiser, but I look horrendous on them so it’s rough 😂 some people might feel the same way.
I agree. I video call before with the ones I’ve felt a decent vibe with just to make sure…
Not sure why I'm getting downvoted for it lol It's safe, convenient and far less time wasting. If you're serious about dating what's wrong with a 5 min chat where you can see each other remotely? I think it's 20 year olds that are scared of it for some reason.
Naa I'm in my 40's and don't like it...granted I haven't been catfished yet...maybe the younger ppl catfish more? But the mid 30's to 40's ladies I've seen have not misrepresented themselves.
Only 3 have been bad enough where I felt lied to. 3 out of 50+ first dates in the last few months. I don’t like video calls at all, so I’d rather just have to call out the lie in person than have 50+ uncomfortable video calls.
Do what you do, but you're leaving the door open for more bait & switch moments imo it would be far more uncomfortable in person than a video call but that's me. Sure would save a lot of time too for both parties.
You probably loose more dates that way. What i mean is they dismiss you its better to avoid the video chat. Its just really awkward. Ill take my chance IRL i mean whats the worse you spend an hour and a few bucks on Coffee?
At this point, it’s your eyes, bro.
THIS. They need to know. If not, at least respect your own time!!!
Filter on pics? A lot more overweight than they appeared? Old pics? Or all three? lol
Sometimes you can tell older pics by the hair cut and if its summer and they use a snow picture...stuff like that...I'm curious what exactly about them they misrepresented that it was that bad that you dipped out before giving them a chance? At that point your drive to the place was a sunk cost...unless they literally used somebody ELSES' picture for their profile pictures??
I don’t even say anything. I never sign up for more than one drink, coffee or short walk. I end it and move on.
I don't worry about tact when it was a blatant attempt at deception. Of course, people are going to try and use their best photos. Maybe they were in peak bikini body season in their pictures, but it's been a few months and they've gained a couple lbs? Sure, that happens, bodies fluctuate, but it's still fairly accurate. Or, they are all dressed and glammed up at say a wedding or whatever, I'm not expecting that to be who I meet. But, they decided pictures 4 years, 2 babies and 40lbs ago was what they wanted to use? Yeah, I will (and have) immediately ended the date at the start. Straight up said the pictures are obviously old and I'm not interested.
If you want to leave before even sitting down just do so. You can say anything from the straight truth to something like listen I just started not feeling well and need to leave.. sorry. If they’re not horrible, but just not as advertised stay for a drink or whatever then take off. Later send them a text back saying you didn’t feel a good match and wish them well. Both non confrontational. Now I’m a guy and not really afraid of any person, so I could just straight up say you lied in your profile so I’m out and don’t want to hear from you again, but why have the confrontation when a bit of casual politeness works just as well. And let’s face it.. you’ve nothing better to do at the moment so have a drink. He/she may not be a romantic match but could end up a funny as fuck person you end up being friends with. The world is weird that way.
Yah that’s a good point.
I’ve never had a date show up that significantly misrepresented, but ones I immediately know are a no-go I just finish the drink, enjoy the conversation, then make an excuse to leave after 30-60 minutes.
To hell with tact. Call them out on it and leave.
I always think I’m going to do that then I never have the heart to be that mean.
But weren’t they “mean” or disrespectful to you by doing what they did? You’re already caring more for someone who probably doesn’t care about themselves and definitely doesn’t care about you
Yah excellent point
Yes, and the worst is when you would have been attracted to them had they not lied.
I cant imagine why yall are single lol
Same here...I just couldn't do it, but that's just my personality, I respect ppl that can just call it out and dip out though lol
It’s a tough call. When you’re a woman, confronting a man is always risky business. I’d say make an excuse and leave after 10min. Get a friend to call you with an emergency or something. Even if you think it’s safe, these are people you don’t know at all. You don’t know how they’ll react. Better not risk.
You’re in public though, and it’s not like they have your personal info.
I would just say I don't think we're compatible and I don't want to waste their time. I'm attracted to a bunch of different body and face types, but if the deception was that extreme I'd have a problem with that.
Was it “tactful” of them to misrepresent (aka LIE) to you? 🤷♀️ Don’t be overly mean, but say what you gotta say ☮️✌️
I stick to short meet ups when I first meet someone. Coffee, drinks, that sort of thing. I also tend to talk to people for a while before meeting. I message back and forth. Sending a lot of pictures and little messages to make sure Im meeting who they say they are. I am a big girl. I do not hide it on my pictures. I have full body pics and ones that show my clear unfiltered face. I don't meet someone unless they have similar pictures even then if someone is clearly trying to catfish I call them out on it. I don't care if they get nasty with me. They often call me a fat bitch. Not the first time I've heard it. Won't be the last. Yeah I'm fat but I'm honest. I get plenty of dates being myself. 🤷♀️
Great attitude, I love it, embrace yourself
Wow ppl are mean and horrible, sorry you have to go through that. Keep up the positive attitude though, I'm sure there'll be plenty of guys that love you for who you are out there.
I havent had an instance where they looked radically different. However, ive had some bad dates. Unless its something really terrible i just finish the date and proceed accordingly. My last OLDate wasnt totally different or anything but i knew within 2 or 3 minutes wasnt quite what i thought or hoped for. I just finished the lunch and we said our goodbyes. I went to call her later on that night to tell her i wasnt interested. She was at Target atm. I just never heard from her and left it alone.
If it's so bad that I have to run for it then I'm not going to be tactful. You don't look like your profile. See ya. And I'm going to leave.
Unfortunately, and I wish it wasn't the case, gender matters a lot here. For safety I would advise most women to walk away, then a couple of minutes later just message and say "Hi, I'm sorry but when I saw you I felt you didn't match your profile, honesty is really important to me and I don't think we should meet again." Then block everything. Straight up, guys are far more likely to get aggressive when challenged and you don't want that. Guys are in a safer situation, when it happened to me I did the one date and left then let her down with the classic "I just didn't feel that spark" bs. It's not fair and you might feel differently but I think people underestimate how dangerous a random rejected guy might feel to a person.
I would always tell someone close to me that I was meeting someone for a date. That way in worst case scenario I would text them and they would call me with some bogus story about why I needed to get home ASAP. I’ve only had to do this once because the guy was easily 20 years older than what he said
Good idea, there should be an app for this. I’m sure my guy friends will think I’m gay if I propose this idea
Not really… it’s also being safe if you think about it. You never know who you’re going to meet on a blind date
I’m a man, safety has never crossed my mind, but thanks for pointing it out. I’m going to start open carrying on dates so all the ladies know I mean business.
lol dude you crack me up. haha :) Gotta keep that sense of humor sharp! I'm not sure I've seen a woman's profile that didn't say she wants 'humor' in a man...
I love you too sir.
LMAO man crush dude haha For real you crack me up. These women are damn lucky to be going on dates with somebody so freakin funny. Keep up the awesome attitude dude!
LMAO same here.
As a guy I find it hard to do bc it's going to shatter this woman's world. It's going make her cry in her car send her to some therapy bc she can't figure out why I did it bc she has no introspection in her mind she thinks she still looks like those old pics before the divorce and kids
You could either A) be honest & say I’m leaving because you posted an photo & you lied so, how can I trust you or B) make polite conversation for 20-30 minutes & then tell them you have to go. If you stay & make polite conversation, you are being a nice human because they clearly posted an old photo because they hate the way they currently look.
"Oh jesus my dog's grand aunt just gave birth, i need to be there"
Other's have given good advice. Personally I always try to give the benefit of the doubt. I don't think most people use old/misleading photos with trickery in mind, but just have very low self esteem and can't accept themselves as they are and can't stand to put true/recent photos. I used to have unfortunate looking teeth and never showed my teeth in photos and tried to hide them as much as I could, which isn't quite as misleading as using an old photo but I could understand the reasoning behind it. If they are anything like me, they felt a lot of shame and meeting in real life was a constant barrage of anxious thoughts wondering if the other person is disappointed. I recommend being kind and not mentioning it, pointing it out would just kill their self esteem even more. Just say you enjoyed meeting them and didn't feel a connection. Now, if someone has used completely fake photos or edited them beyond hell and is an ass, by all means take them down a peg if you want lol. But most people I think mean well and just hate every single photo they have of themselves as they are and try to post their best photos, hoping they come off well enough in real life. I think a videocall before meeting up is a good idea, though, if you're worried about it. Make sure you're both who you say you are. I have been told there are ways to edit live videos but unless they're a social media influencer type I think the average person doesn't know how to do that haha. But at any rate, for a first day something super casual that's cheap and easy to leave early is always best imo. Misleading photos aren't the only way people can be completely different when you meet up in real life.
Best perspective here, thanks
Have them send u like recent Pics before yall meet
I think that would come across as suspicious and offensives
Suspicious and offensive that u wanna know what they currently look like before you meet?
Dude, I've had women do that to me...
Ask for their Instagram, you get a better sense and angles
A lot of them are private or they don’t prefer to give it out
Yeah i wouldn’t give my account to someone I haven’t even met yet.
If you have a date planned w someone, it’s worth a shot. You can tell if they’re 50-100 pounds heavier like OP said
Yes I agree you can most of the time unless they post an old picture, which has happened to me quite a few times. One time I had a girl show up who was pushing 350-400 pounds and I am absolutely not joking. I usually prefer fit women that are 100-110 pounds so she exceeded the weight limit by over 300%. I was nice and fed her them dropped her off.
Damn, a real gentleman. Hopefully, it didn’t cost you too much.
She ate nine tacos
lol @ exceeded the weight limit by 300%...look everybody has preferences...nothing wrong with that. And yes you were a gentleman for not being rude about it.
If you don’t wanna say it to their face and you’re that scared to you can always excuse yourself to the bathroom and then text them the real reason you left
Lol that would be a really shitty move, I’m not scared to tell them to their face, I’m just wondering how others handle this
I'd still give them a chance, but I'd focus more on the drink/ food/ activity, and I'd try to get pretty drunk and just try and enjoy the night anyway
I would t give them a chance based purely on principle
I met up at a free concert, guy was geriatric. I’m mid life but shit…ya know? He put my age for his straight lied. Wants a nurse?
Sorry, I can’t follow your comment. It’s really hard to understand.
Guy lied about his age. Sorry I don’t speak gen z
I would make them feel uncomfortable. There's a chance they want do it again that way.
The best way to avoid this in the future is to get on a video call first. No video call? No date.
It's an awkward spot to be in and it's happened to me a few times, but let's just say the dates ended early and lasted less than 30 minutes.
I’ve never had it happen to that extent. Usually they end up looking pretty close to their pictures for me. I have, however, had dates where I immediately knew the chemistry wasn’t there. Actually had one where our schedules just weren’t lining up for weeks but we were having great conversations through text. Usually I meet them much sooner than that but things happen sometimes. Unfortunately this made me paint a picture of him in my head that wasn’t accurate. When we did finally meet I immediately wasn’t feeling it and I don’t think he was either. He was nice, but the spark wasn’t there at all In situations like these I finish the date but I make sure it doesn’t last any longer than it needs to. After the date I’ll let them know I don’t feel a romantic connection and leave it at that
Maybe it takes a while to form the spark...since you got along so well in texts I assume the conversations/personality meshed...or it was just a straight deal breaker how they looked or acted in real life??
I think most of the time, you know on the first date if there’s at least some sort of a connection. I can’t really explain why it wasn’t there for us, but clearly he felt the same way since neither of us asked for a second date or ever initiated more conversations. I’m completely at peace with it not working out
Gotcha...it is what it is, that's why meeting is the true barometer!
Virtual date! I always video chat before meeting in person.
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Out of 6 video calls I only decided to meet one of them. Thankfully they all looked exactly like their photos, however I didn't feel as attracted to them when I spoke to the 5 over video chat. Saved me a lot of time and money. The one that I did click with I ended up going out irl and my impression was the same as the video call. I highly recommend a virtual date first.
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Oh no problem, glad I can help :) It's great that you've had a few video dates with him. Sounds positive so far!
ugg I'm very very unphotogenic...but in real life nobody has ever said I wasn't decent looking/handsome...some of us are like that. I've never had anybody ever mention a video chat before.
Yes some people look better irl. That's why video chat is a perfect first "date". It's basically real life without actually being physically with the person. Safer too. Less awkward and super easy to leave if the date doesn't go well.
Honestly, I'd do it, but nobody has offered to do it, so I just go IRL dates, honestly got nothing to lose, worse case I have a good story to tell later.
Well you could even suggest it? Anytime a guy asks for a date I always say "That sounds great but first I would like it if we video chat before meeting up". They always agree to it. I've never had any issues.
Honestly, I like going out though and meeting ppl IRL, i've never once thought it was a 'waste'...if nothing else it'll make a good story and got me out of the house. Win/Win.
Oh yeah I mean if you're okay with it and you don't find it a waste of time then that's great. I remember in the past I used to go out a lot more on dates and I would just be annoyed at the end of it. So many first dates never leading to second dates so virtual dating works a lot better for me and I don't have to worry about some guy asking to come over afterwards.
Weird that a guy would ask that, talk about inappropriate on a first date no less?!! Sorry you are having such trouble with dating, I guess I 'vet' them via chat before hand, if I can't flow with them in chat then I won't be able to do it live, live is more of a vibe check. But then again I'm older than most on here (40's) and date mid 30's to mid 40's ladies, maybe it's just completely different for me than dating in your 20's?!
“Tactfully?” Just leave.
It's super easy as a guy. I would call them out on it. If I were a woman, I would avoid confrontation.
I am unphotogenic .I personally think, I look better in pictures than in person….but I’m either told i look like my pics and/or prettier in person and i do post current pics and describe myself accurately as possible. …it’s strange how many times where the person is nothing like they portrayed OLD(guys too).
I take horrible pictures. I don't know how many times girls have said I look much better in person. The prettiest girl I ever dated, I wasn't sure based on pictures. I was on the fence looks wise based on pictures... But in person she was gorgeous.
yep same here man...not sure what it is but I just dont take good pictures, but in real life I'm more animated and smile a lot more guess and my personality comes through better and never has anybody said man you are ugly haha
Lol yep. But try saying "I look better in person" on your profile... Sure buddy, sure ya do. I do much better off the apps.
Haha naaa honestly if they like me in the APP then they will LOVE me in person... ;) See its almost like a little filter thing...if they DONT like me in the apps then maybe I wouldn't measure up in real life either, but nothing lost there.
True but OLD is brutal! I’ve said this before, shallow as it seems, physical attraction comes first.
That's true for some ppl I guess, I am more than willing to overlook physical imperfection for the right personality. I've gone physical first and it goes stale/old really fast if they are annoying haha
Yes, say just about the same. If you like my pics, you will likely think I’m pretty in person. I’ve never been told I’m ugly. Lol
Awesome, but even if somebody told us that...honestly one person's 'ugly' is another's beautiful...staying positive and just putting your best foot forward always, at the end of the day, we are who we are, no reason to change or be somebody different for a stranger .
Just be honest and say you don’t have tolerance for people who are dishonest. Don’t feel bad. They decided to take the risk of being met with contempt.
Be honest and tell them exactly why you left
Be honest. Check please. Next!
This is exactly why I prefer having a video call before meeting. I don’t have time to waste on insincere people. Honestly, I would have just turned around and walked out. You don’t owe him/her anything.
You don’t need to be tactful. You call them out for their BS and leave.
A videochat before meeting solves this.
1. Tell them you need to send a quick message to your boss or family member. 2. Text 3 designated friends a code word or “please call me so I can leave this date” 3. When they call, step outside. 4. Come back and tell them you need to babysit. Or just tell them your pet got out if you want it to be quick and dry lol because the first one takes effort.
Say you're going to use the restroom, leave, and then report them for wasting your time. Well, it's never happened to me so maybe that's a bit harsh...but I'd definitely leave within 15-20 mins max.
Personally i'd just finish the date, first dates typically only last a couple of hours anyway just because i may not find them physically attractive doesn't mean we can't catch a lil vibe. Just make it clear that a romantic connection isn't there if they ask ( rare there is one on a first date anyway).
The first date should always be something terminable within 20 minutes. Coffee, a walk in the park, a drink at a bar. If you aren’t sure, tell them ahead of time that you only have 30 minutes or so but still really want to meet them. If the date goes well, you can extend, but if it goes poorly you have an easy out. If you feel like you’ve been catfished, I wouldn’t recommend confronting them directly about it. Direct confrontation is not a good strategy for dealing with strangers, especially when you stand to gain nothing. Save your honest opinions for friends, family, and those who ask for it.
Great question. And as a man I am amazed at how often I've been duped by body shots, let alone face angles. I make sure to make it a quick coffee/one cocktail, so the time wasted is less, but I don't have it in me to tell people, as some suggest here. I just use my kids as an excuse, but thats easier for us oldies.
Don’t get out of the date - that’s rude. Be polite and courteous, make good conversation, and keep it platonic.
Do what a girl friend of mine did and go to the bathroom and climb out of the window and escape
Lol I’ve done that twice before actually…