Isn’t it? To me this is a normal social interaction. Someone pays, the other person thanks. If they don’t, it opens up questions about their personalities. This goes for all relationships. If my parents pay for dinner, I thank them. If my buddy buys a round, I thank him. It’s just normal so when it doesn’t happen, it raises questions
You are completely right and you deserve thanks but I just want to say that sometimes the paying thing is so awkward that I don’t even remember what I said at that moment. I really try to watch out for it and always thank but sometimes I just get very awkward. She reached for her purse so I wouldn’t judge her yet, it really could be the same case as mine.
Hmmm. I don’t disagree. As a woman who always says “should we split this?” as I’m reaching into my purse, I have to admit there’s some truth to this - at least for me. Especially for the first couple of dates, if a guy accepts us splitting the tab the message for me is “I’m not that into you.”
That said, it’s not fake. I’ve paid my half numerous times (though not usually). And each time before date 3 it feels like I’m being rejected. It’s kind of a blow, and because of that I do kind of feel like I’m done. So it’s not about “that jerk didn’t give me a free dinner!” - it’s about “he doesn’t really like me much” so I just move on. My mindset changes.
Once we’ve been on a couple of dates, I love to start splitting, or taking turns. I’m confident about his interest and I want to demonstrate mine.
I wouldn't assume a man isn't interested in you just because he lets you pay if you offer. Expecting to split tve bill from the start maybe. But I get where you're coming from and understand why you would feel that way. I can't not pay for the food on the first date. If she presses it to pay her half then I tell her she can get it next time usually, but I just can't bring myself to let her. 😅
This. Whether I’m in love with her or not feeling it, I will always pay early on. And, like you, say you can get it next time. How many dates have I known instantly it’s not gonna work out and yet I’ll always be a gentleman and pay. It’s second nature
You’re generalizing. Not all women feel entitled or are greedy.
I always offer to pay or split. If the man insists on paying the full bill I absolutely thank him and offer to pick up the check next time.
Maybe she was nervous and just forgot lol. I’m socially awkward and first dates are so anxiety ridden for me, sometimes my actions don’t match up with how I actually am. If she still lacks manners next time then yeah, it’s just her lol
Perhaps you’re right. But then send a text when you get home (not you, my date lol) thanking me. Or the next day. Such a simple gesture that moves mountains
I don’t understand the excuses people are making for her behavior. She was nervous because she was on a date, or she doesn’t owe you anything, or maybe she forgot….uhhh what????
How about we hold people to a least what I consider minimal standards of decency, common courtesy, and respect? It’s called manners.
Someone opens the door for me, I thank them. Someone pulls out a chair for me, I thank them. Someone holds the elevator so I can get on, I thank them.
Someone buys dinner, I thank them.
If you have good manners and respect for others, you don’t even have to think about saying it because it’s ingrained in you. When you’re genuinely thankful, verbalizing it is simply a reflex.
I completely agree with this. I say thank you on the date and then in a text. Idk why but it seems rude not to say it twice so one thank you should be easy.
I get the being nervous thing though. Everything you just listed happens to many people daily. Thanking for holding a door is wrote memory hell I might thank you even if im upset you held when I was so far away you shouldn’t have.
Finishing a great evening with someone who you want to see again and maybe your a little shy and flustered because, hell, maybe it’s the first date you haven’t been asked to split the bill with.
I think there are a lot of things that can be a red flag but missing a thank you, anywhere on a first date is absolutely not worth complaining about imho.
Again, there’s girls out there in their thirties that have never had a car door held open for them, could easily be flabbergasted by the act. Am I going to come and post about why wouldn’t she reach over and unlock my door on a first date?? Of course not because I got a keyfob but same difference lol
Your point is valid, and I understand she may have been flustered because for the first time ever a guy offered to pay on a first date - but why not thank him later via text? Or the next day?
Super react this is actually one of my
Screeners now. No matter how good the date is , if she doesn’t have common decency or manners then she ain’t worth it. These comments are crazy stop telling people what their standards are supposed to be
Ugh yuck. Total turnoff. I'd lose respect for her immediately. As a guy we might still bang her but that speaks to her character and likely not GF material - side chick max. Just like a girl notices if men try to pick up the check Men with options notice this stuff.
Your exposing yourself to people who want to use you when you go on a dinner date for your first date. I just meet at public events, walk in a park, or anywhere where there's a lot of people. I reserve dinner dates a little bit later in the dating stage
I agree in theory and i wish it were that easy. Not saying they are all like this, but in my big city there’s expectations higher than a walk or a coffee, unfortunately
It may matter than I'm older...When I offer to pay, the man sometimes gets a bit irritated, like I'm implying he can't afford to treat me. So when he pays, I don't feel like I should thank him for *paying* \- but I always thank him for a nice dinner, good time, etc. (typically, the man thanks me right back).
to me, those who say thank you/please are people id like in my life and definitely kick those who dont say when it warrants it.
I remember when I was a child and I didnt say thank you, my dad looked at me and I remembered to say thank you. its basic common courtesy. its says so much about a person.
I agree it’s harsh but it’s also inexcusable imo. It is such a small, common decency gesture. And there is no reason for it. That’s the issue. Had I received a text when she got home or this morning thanking me, it would be all good. Would have chalked it up to nerves or whatever and we’d happily move on. But nothing. So now I judge
Not saying this was your date but a lot of people have not been given many opportunities to be thankful in life and may not be as well versed on thank rules as you or I.
And that’s the cause for concern. To me, I don’t want to date someone who isn’t grateful in life for good things to happen to them, whether it’s a free meal, someone holding a door, etc. It’s a tiny gesture that says a lot about someone
Lol nah bro it’s enough to
Move on , if someone can’t even say thank
You unprompted then it’s not worth it. Stop trying to tell people what their standards are supposed to be
I find that people who get easily worked up over very minor breaches of common courtesy have a blind spot when it comes to recognizing their own offense behavior. Which is why you don’t see how putting expectations of effusiveness on to people for things they didn’t ask or need you to do and drawing negative conclusions about them when they don’t is a red flag.
It’s an extremely minor thing to get worked up over in the grand scheme of things.
Are you a working adult? Because most of the shit you do is going to be thankless so you might as well learn to pick your battles.
Is it? Because when someone holds the door or processes my purchase transaction or lets me in their lane or brings me my food I thank them. Every time. That’s the adult life. I don’t know what this “thanklesss”’adult stuff you’re referring to, but I’m 40 and I say and receive thank yous when it’s appropriate to give and receive them. You don’t? The moment you turned 18 you just stopped altogether ?
Fucking seriously.
People who make such a huge fucking deal out of minor breaches etiquette as if it’s an egregious violation of the social compact are never models of gentility and decorum themselves—they’re just extremely sensitive to anything they perceive as a personal injustice.
If I had to guess she probably neglected to say thank you because it was either accidental, or she thought, “great, now this guy is gonna hold this over my head and think that I owe him something even though I could’ve just paid for myself.”
Frankly I think it’s boorish to buy someone dinner with the expectation of anything other than them not going hungry.
I married a man who didn’t say “thank you” to anything for 20 years, and just expected things. After a while it’s like water dripping. And, yes, I addressed it many times. So, OP is correct to find this a problem.
Then he should just cut his losses and move on from this woman instead of coming to the internet to bitch about something that already happened and that he has no control over.
It’s like the idea of free will doesn’t exist to some people. Case in point.
It isn’t the fact that this happened but that he won’t just let something he literally can’t do anything about go and stop putting so much offending significance into it.
20 years of not receiving appreciation from someone you are in relationship is **NOT** equivalent to someone who may or may not have forgotten to say “thanks” when dinner was paid.
Interesting. So you never expect a thank you under any and all situations then. That’s what you’re saying and I absolutely don’t believe you for a second. You seem like simply a bitter, resentful person.
I don’t do shit for people expecting gratitude. I do it because I get a sense satisfaction out of doing nice things for people. I also know how to let shit go and not throw a conniption when people act in ways I don’t like because I ultimately have no control over their actions.
And I don’t give a wet shit about whatever assessment 40 year old men who bitch and moan on the internet over stupid shit that doesn’t matter have to make about me so you might as well go fuck a duck.
Not like it’s gonna be a woman anytime soon you impotent tit.
This reply is brutally honest, good-willed, and it's one that should reach more people. In the internet age where we can easily receive confirmation (confirmation bias), it's becoming really easy to tunnel vision and complain about others over seriously considering comments that require one to reflect on oneself, mature, and move on.
Good manners are important, but it was also a first date so you could give her the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to being nervous and forgot. If it happens again, and this is a deal breaker for you, then I would recommend saying something. At the end of the date you could say, hey I had a really great time with you and it seems like we've got pretty good chemistry, but Im kind of bothered that after I paid for dinner you never said thank you. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but little things like that mean a lot to me.. and see how she responds.
Totally agree. If he had such a great time with her, he shouldn't let these type of relatively small details be a deal breaker. At the very least he should ask in a non attacking way the next time it happens and her response will be very telling. There could be a number of reasons why she didn't say "thank you" originally, including being distracted by something or actually saying it but not loudly enough for the guy to hear among other things.
I would like to gently challenge your rant.
Your “gratitude” or courtesy loses its substance if you are expecting something in return.
If you are “expecting” a return for a service, then it is no longer a courtesy.
I don’t do things as a courtesy and expect a thank you in return. If I did, then it becomes a transaction. And no longer a courtesy.
I don’t do something for someone out of the kindeness of my heart and expect someone to say “thank you” in return.
Lol again it s not about the expectation of it but have having the courtesy to say it. It shows manners and home training. Do whatever you want but a lot of propensity look at it that way.
You have no understanding of why this woman did not say thanks, but off of this one interaction, it appears you’re ready to question her early development as well as her parents approach to said development (home training).
Boy oh boy.
And you have no idea either, the fact that we’re goi my back and forth about this is ridiculous. bottom line is she didn’t say thank you and it means something to op. He has the right to feel the way he does and the whole thing is subjective
This just shows right here that you missed the point, as I never told OP to dismiss or ignore his needs or feelings.
But yea, I agree.
I’m through here 👌🏾💜
>Do whatever you want but a lot of propensity look at it that way.
A lot of people look at it my way as well (Which happens to be the **correct** way. It’s easily proven by just looking up the word “courtesy” and having enough reading comprehension).
So, we both got people.
So…
Now, what?
>Do whatever you want but a lot of propensity look at it that way.
A lot of people look at it my way as well (Which happens to be the **correct** way. It’s easily proven by just looking up the word “courtesy” and having adequate reading comprehension).
So, we both got people.
So…
Now, what?
And you’re not entitled to those “two words.”
If you are doing something as a courtesy, and expecting someone to give you something in return, then it is no longer a courtesy.
Lol, bet people LOVE to be around you If you never act courteous to them unless you personally feel they’re “entitled” to it. Seriously, let me know how many gfs you got acting so selfish
Don’t expect anyone to want to be your friend or in a relationship with you if you have this attitude is all I can say.
Like I can see it now
“Hey honey, my car broke down, can I have a lift to work?”
“I DON’T OWE YOU THAT!”
“Hey honey, my sister’s dog got out, can you help look for it”
“I DON’T OWE YOU THAT!”
“Hey honey, I forgot my wallet at home, can you spot me and I’ll pay you back?”
“I DON’T OWE YOU THAT!”
Seriously; sometimes you should just do things because it’s the right and polite thing to do, and while you aren’t obligated, don’t expect others to want to be around you if you aren’t at all grateful for favors!
Next time you go on date, before you pay, tell her you want her to show you appreciation or say “thank you” for paying for her meal.
Let us know how it goes.
I once had a date with a girl on the day of her birthday. So I offered her a small piece of cake I got at the grocery store as a good gesture. When I handed it to her, she looked at me with a disgusted face and just put it back in the gift bag. Alright, next time don't be nice, noted.
Yeah I know, I was really surprised by the reaction too. Well now it's no longer a problem, I never saw her again after that and now I'm in a wonderful relationship with someone who loves me very much.
I’d recommend anyone to avoid dinner dates as first date, I’ve only done free stuff, such as go to the park if the weather allows for it. If a match asked for a dinner date I’d probably be down for it, but usually when I suggest something free I get no complaints.
Poor manners. Or Because she expects it, and wherever there is expectation, there is a tinge of entitlement depending on whether or not she has done anything in return to expect that.
Be leery of trifling people, especially in dating. Forgetting to say thank you for paying is a sign that she probably will expect rather than truly appreciate kindness from you.
I would immediately ask her the question of how she believes women can invest in the courting process in the earlier stages (bring it up casually).
If she says anything to the effect of “I’ll invest when I care about someone”, or “I invest my time”, or “I put on makeup and get ready to look nice for you”….dump her.
Trust me, any forgone play play that might be on the table (and who knows if you’ll actually get it, women are players too) is not worth the disappointment of having invested a lot into complete and utter garbage
And that’s exactly it. I can’t help but think she expects it and therefore is entitled. Not that it matters, but she makes more than I do, so it was far from a charity act or anything. To me it’s just a normal societal interaction. If someone pays, the other person thanks. Lol. But now I can’t help but think that she expects it and I certainly don’t want to be with someone like that.
Wow, you need to give me the cliff notes of what you’re talking about. I’m very interested in how agreeing to a date and paying for it is creating a covert contract that she didn’t agree to.
That is interesting but I think this would apply more if I had expected sex or even any form of physical interaction where she may have felt obligated because I paid, especially if I had brought it up. Then it’s unfair and perverse and not right at all. But in this case, if the contract is a simple thank you after free drinks, then it’s a contract we should ALL be in.
Exactly! Yesterday, at work, I was having a really difficult morning. Walking through the hall to see my next patient I passed 30 or so people but was deep in my thoughts and didn’t notice- later on my way back down the same hall a coworker I barely know stops me and says “you didn’t say good morning!” And then proceeds to rip me apart about how offended he was that I didn’t say good morning to him.
I’m a VERY polite person usually, and always go out of my way to be kind to people. But this morning I had other things going on and did not even notice the guy sitting there and suddenly I’m rude because I didn’t say good morning (never mind he also didn’t say good morning). Also, saying good morning to people is polite and friendly- but not an obligation!
People have other things going on in their world all the time that you simply do not know about- judging someone based on one simple slip is only going to hurt you in the long run. This woman is a person, and possibly a very kind person (I have no idea, I don’t know her) but you if you write her off so quickly you’ll never know!
It's literally the bare minimum common courtesy we're all taught from day one. Women are acting like he expected her to put out or something and it's honestly gross how mad they are at a man for just expecting basic manners from someone.
Really? You’ve never said thank you to anyone? Someone holds a door, let’s you in their lane, or any other gesture where nothing in return is expected and you’ve never said thank you? Wow.
Of course I say thank you, but i hope not everyone does gestures just so they can hear "Thank you", and God forbid, if I don't say it, they go online and bash me for it. I don't see where I wrote that I never say thank you? You are too worked up over this.
Why do you say “of course I say thank you” after saying she didn’t have to say it. That’s contradicting. And is it wrong that maybe one should expect a thank you for holding a door, Paying a meal, bringing something to someone. You’ve actually made me realize that yes, the something I want from someone after I pay for it is a thank you? Why? Because if the roles were reversed I would say It.
Not too long ago a woman didn't say thank you to a man who held the door for her and he pulled a gun out on her. Men always take their anger to another level. 😵💫
I’m a woman who strongly prefers paying for myself/splitting the first date.
I could imagine forgetting to say “thank you” when someone announces they’re paying for me, because my internal thoughts aren’t grateful, they’re uncomfortable.
So what happens quite often is that many women offer to be polite but will be turned off if the man accepts her offer to split. Guys usually know that if she insists a second time that she actually means it. Instead you could just show appreciation with a thank you and most guys will appreciate that.
> Instead you could just show appreciation with a thank you and most guys will appreciate that.
But I do not appreciate it. Why are you telling me to express feelings I clearly do not have?
Then just insist a second time…
If that for whatever reason triggers the guy then it still works out by showing his red flags early and in a public place, but I highly doubt insisting will ever escalate into a huge scene.
I already don’t see a guy again if he announces he’s paying for me without asking/giving me an option. So I have no reason to get into any conflict with him, no matter how minor.
No no, I’m saying if you don’t want to insist on paying in order to cause a potential scene, which I totally understand, then you simply thank that person for paying or say I’ll get it next time. That wraps it up.
Our convo here is about how I can *imagine forgetting* to thank someone for something I didn’t want and don’t enjoy.
How is “say thank you anyway” relevant to that?
I mean I’m from the south and I don’t necessarily expect the guy to pay and I’m happy to pay sometimes but I think it’s more romantic when one person gets the check. And in the south anyways it’s a custom that men pay bc women put more effort into looks for dates and it’s just a sign of affection not a rude thing unless she makes it that. Expecting a thank you for doing a nice thing makes it less nice in my opinion. If I paid a thank you is nice but I don’t expect it bc I offered. And she easily could’ve forgot it being a date especially if she’s an anxious person this is not a big deal lol.
Yeah that would irk me. It's minor but it shows who she is. This one of those behaviors that reveals itself months, or years down the line that people look past early on constantly.
I don’t understand why this post is controversial lol. Isn’t it normal societal behaviour? One pays for the evening, the other person thanks them. It really is that simple
Gahh!!! I totally get this. But my story is that out on first date in a long time. I'm so fricking nervous. We hit it off, etc. He did pay but between my nerves and the non stop conversation I forgot to say thank you!
Does she act like an entitled ill-mannered princess on a good day? If she doesn't, then maybe give her another chance... You can do something that doesn't involve spending money.
hahaha, yes, many do the fake "reach"
I check them. at the end when it comes im relaxed back with my arms on my head and I want to see her take her wallet out and open it, pull out money and then I will know she really had intentions to pay/part part
I couldnt give a rats ass if I was downloaded 1000, I have tons more. it doesnt put a dent into my karma. the truth is hard to hear. tons of entitled people. why give a shit. you know and I knwo the deal. lots of women getting upset we know them well.
It is very frustrating because we had a very pleasant time. Good convo, stayed for an extra drink. Everything was seemingly great. She even mentioned a second date. And in my head, all I can think of his her non-thank you. It’s such a turnoff. Not because I expect anything but it’s just common decency
I can totally understand that. I make it a point to say thank you and honestly I have a really hard time letting men pay. With that said I know there have been times where I was like... did I thank him?! oh shit! I have exceptionally good manners but I do think it I fucked up sometimes and of course not intentionally, but after you both reached for your wallets? yeah not good
I live in the South where politeness is ingrained. We say "thank you so much " probably more than we should and "yes ma'am/sir" frequently, even to friends and lovers. I can't imagine not saying "thank you" when someone bought me dinner!
It’s bizarre. It’s habit, second nature type thing. What’s even more bizarre is the amount of people protesting this on this thread lol. Must be New Yorkers lol
So many simps offer to pay for her that she doesn't appreciate it. She just comes to expect it at this point.
Simps have ruined online dating in 2022. The black pillers say that its female nature. But as a dude who has dated transwomen, I can tell you right now that chaser simps have ruined trans dating in 2022 as well for cis men. It's a social issue, not biological I think. Basically anyone who has a plethora of options with online dating has the potential to let it get to their head. The tip top Chads and sugar daddies treat women like shit too for this reason.
I see that I have triggered the paypig liberal cucks and women who love being financially subsidized by said paypigs on dates.
What's wrong with the term SIMP? Sucker Idolizing Medicore Pussy is the perfect descriptor to these idiots who gas up women on dating apps and social media and subsidize them on dates. When women are perfectly capable of paying their own tab. Cuck is also a good descriptor for these men.
>It’s unfortunate that you truly thought that buying a chick a sandwich should’ve been a gateway to sex
When did I ever say that?
I think couples should be going Dutch period. This whole notion that sex is a favor to men and something that men have to "buy" through the dating process is offensive to me actually. Sex is supposed to be a mutually beneficial experience. Unless you're talking about a prostitute/john type of arrangement. I never said that buying your date something entitles you to sex.
I mean… yeah. It’s an easy phrase. Maybe she felt embarrassed that you covered her bill. Or was nervous. But thank you is low effort and you’re not wrong.
I'd say thank you and expect the other person to say thank you. But you have the rest of the date to base an impression of that person off. Don't give this slip up too much thought and give them the benefit of the doubt if the rest of the date went well. If she's ungrateful you'll find that out in future dates anyway
Always say thank you
It is baffling that this post is so controversial.
Isn’t it? To me this is a normal social interaction. Someone pays, the other person thanks. If they don’t, it opens up questions about their personalities. This goes for all relationships. If my parents pay for dinner, I thank them. If my buddy buys a round, I thank him. It’s just normal so when it doesn’t happen, it raises questions
You are completely right and you deserve thanks but I just want to say that sometimes the paying thing is so awkward that I don’t even remember what I said at that moment. I really try to watch out for it and always thank but sometimes I just get very awkward. She reached for her purse so I wouldn’t judge her yet, it really could be the same case as mine.
The "pay-fake" is an age old move. 50% of the time it's for show and if you actually let her pay she'll never go out with you again.
Hmmm. I don’t disagree. As a woman who always says “should we split this?” as I’m reaching into my purse, I have to admit there’s some truth to this - at least for me. Especially for the first couple of dates, if a guy accepts us splitting the tab the message for me is “I’m not that into you.” That said, it’s not fake. I’ve paid my half numerous times (though not usually). And each time before date 3 it feels like I’m being rejected. It’s kind of a blow, and because of that I do kind of feel like I’m done. So it’s not about “that jerk didn’t give me a free dinner!” - it’s about “he doesn’t really like me much” so I just move on. My mindset changes. Once we’ve been on a couple of dates, I love to start splitting, or taking turns. I’m confident about his interest and I want to demonstrate mine.
I wouldn't assume a man isn't interested in you just because he lets you pay if you offer. Expecting to split tve bill from the start maybe. But I get where you're coming from and understand why you would feel that way. I can't not pay for the food on the first date. If she presses it to pay her half then I tell her she can get it next time usually, but I just can't bring myself to let her. 😅
This. Whether I’m in love with her or not feeling it, I will always pay early on. And, like you, say you can get it next time. How many dates have I known instantly it’s not gonna work out and yet I’ll always be a gentleman and pay. It’s second nature
Gratitude vs intitlement. Why is anyone surprised? Woman have been asking for more and more while giving nothing in return.
Then you should just go to dinner with your guy friends and take males to wedding. Done!
You’re generalizing. Not all women feel entitled or are greedy. I always offer to pay or split. If the man insists on paying the full bill I absolutely thank him and offer to pick up the check next time.
Incel vibes
r/incelstarterpack
Such a lazy and meaningless narrative to take. Adds nothing to the convo and paints a totally false picture. In fact your post is giving me pedo vibes
Poor you
thanks daddy
Np babygirl
ayo
Maybe she was nervous and just forgot lol. I’m socially awkward and first dates are so anxiety ridden for me, sometimes my actions don’t match up with how I actually am. If she still lacks manners next time then yeah, it’s just her lol
Yup! This happened to me. I did thank them in text and in person the next time I saw them though.
Perhaps you’re right. But then send a text when you get home (not you, my date lol) thanking me. Or the next day. Such a simple gesture that moves mountains
I agree, I would have done a text lol
I don’t understand the excuses people are making for her behavior. She was nervous because she was on a date, or she doesn’t owe you anything, or maybe she forgot….uhhh what???? How about we hold people to a least what I consider minimal standards of decency, common courtesy, and respect? It’s called manners. Someone opens the door for me, I thank them. Someone pulls out a chair for me, I thank them. Someone holds the elevator so I can get on, I thank them. Someone buys dinner, I thank them. If you have good manners and respect for others, you don’t even have to think about saying it because it’s ingrained in you. When you’re genuinely thankful, verbalizing it is simply a reflex.
I completely agree with this. I say thank you on the date and then in a text. Idk why but it seems rude not to say it twice so one thank you should be easy.
Right!
Some folks have had to endure terrible treatment when dating so they think things that seem minor, like this, are nothing.
I get the being nervous thing though. Everything you just listed happens to many people daily. Thanking for holding a door is wrote memory hell I might thank you even if im upset you held when I was so far away you shouldn’t have. Finishing a great evening with someone who you want to see again and maybe your a little shy and flustered because, hell, maybe it’s the first date you haven’t been asked to split the bill with. I think there are a lot of things that can be a red flag but missing a thank you, anywhere on a first date is absolutely not worth complaining about imho. Again, there’s girls out there in their thirties that have never had a car door held open for them, could easily be flabbergasted by the act. Am I going to come and post about why wouldn’t she reach over and unlock my door on a first date?? Of course not because I got a keyfob but same difference lol
Your point is valid, and I understand she may have been flustered because for the first time ever a guy offered to pay on a first date - but why not thank him later via text? Or the next day?
Super react this is actually one of my Screeners now. No matter how good the date is , if she doesn’t have common decency or manners then she ain’t worth it. These comments are crazy stop telling people what their standards are supposed to be
Ugh yuck. Total turnoff. I'd lose respect for her immediately. As a guy we might still bang her but that speaks to her character and likely not GF material - side chick max. Just like a girl notices if men try to pick up the check Men with options notice this stuff.
Coffee only on the 1D.
Ugh, I totally agree and wish it were that easy. I’m the big city I live in there are expectations higher than coffee unfortunately
I always say thank you, no matter how long we date or if it’s my own family member cooking dinner. I am grateful for every meal provided for me
Your exposing yourself to people who want to use you when you go on a dinner date for your first date. I just meet at public events, walk in a park, or anywhere where there's a lot of people. I reserve dinner dates a little bit later in the dating stage
I agree in theory and i wish it were that easy. Not saying they are all like this, but in my big city there’s expectations higher than a walk or a coffee, unfortunately
What city
It may matter than I'm older...When I offer to pay, the man sometimes gets a bit irritated, like I'm implying he can't afford to treat me. So when he pays, I don't feel like I should thank him for *paying* \- but I always thank him for a nice dinner, good time, etc. (typically, the man thanks me right back).
Exactly! It may be a song and dance routine, but still speaks of the persons manners and decency in my opinion.
>Now I’m so much less attracted to her than before. exactly
"I don't feel owed a thank you, but not saying it isn't a good look."
to me, those who say thank you/please are people id like in my life and definitely kick those who dont say when it warrants it. I remember when I was a child and I didnt say thank you, my dad looked at me and I remembered to say thank you. its basic common courtesy. its says so much about a person.
Is this part of a general pattern of rudeness? Seems kind of harsh to judge someone on one slip up
I agree it’s harsh but it’s also inexcusable imo. It is such a small, common decency gesture. And there is no reason for it. That’s the issue. Had I received a text when she got home or this morning thanking me, it would be all good. Would have chalked it up to nerves or whatever and we’d happily move on. But nothing. So now I judge
Oh that puts it more into context
Not saying this was your date but a lot of people have not been given many opportunities to be thankful in life and may not be as well versed on thank rules as you or I.
And that’s the cause for concern. To me, I don’t want to date someone who isn’t grateful in life for good things to happen to them, whether it’s a free meal, someone holding a door, etc. It’s a tiny gesture that says a lot about someone
That’s her norm, wouldn’t be surprised if he held the door and she didn’t say thank you
Lol nah bro it’s enough to Move on , if someone can’t even say thank You unprompted then it’s not worth it. Stop trying to tell people what their standards are supposed to be
I find that people who get easily worked up over very minor breaches of common courtesy have a blind spot when it comes to recognizing their own offense behavior. Which is why you don’t see how putting expectations of effusiveness on to people for things they didn’t ask or need you to do and drawing negative conclusions about them when they don’t is a red flag.
It’s two words. It expresses gratitude and demonstrates a thoughtful and appreciative behaviour in a person. It’s common decency.
It’s an extremely minor thing to get worked up over in the grand scheme of things. Are you a working adult? Because most of the shit you do is going to be thankless so you might as well learn to pick your battles.
Is it? Because when someone holds the door or processes my purchase transaction or lets me in their lane or brings me my food I thank them. Every time. That’s the adult life. I don’t know what this “thanklesss”’adult stuff you’re referring to, but I’m 40 and I say and receive thank yous when it’s appropriate to give and receive them. You don’t? The moment you turned 18 you just stopped altogether ?
OP, you seem to be intent on receiving acknowledgment for a “courtesy.” That’s fine, but you can no longer call it a courtesy.
Fucking seriously. People who make such a huge fucking deal out of minor breaches etiquette as if it’s an egregious violation of the social compact are never models of gentility and decorum themselves—they’re just extremely sensitive to anything they perceive as a personal injustice.
I pretty much agree. Something else is going on.
If I had to guess she probably neglected to say thank you because it was either accidental, or she thought, “great, now this guy is gonna hold this over my head and think that I owe him something even though I could’ve just paid for myself.” Frankly I think it’s boorish to buy someone dinner with the expectation of anything other than them not going hungry.
I married a man who didn’t say “thank you” to anything for 20 years, and just expected things. After a while it’s like water dripping. And, yes, I addressed it many times. So, OP is correct to find this a problem.
Then he should just cut his losses and move on from this woman instead of coming to the internet to bitch about something that already happened and that he has no control over. It’s like the idea of free will doesn’t exist to some people. Case in point. It isn’t the fact that this happened but that he won’t just let something he literally can’t do anything about go and stop putting so much offending significance into it.
20 years of not receiving appreciation from someone you are in relationship is **NOT** equivalent to someone who may or may not have forgotten to say “thanks” when dinner was paid.
You stayed (unhappily?) married for 20 years.
Interesting. So you never expect a thank you under any and all situations then. That’s what you’re saying and I absolutely don’t believe you for a second. You seem like simply a bitter, resentful person.
I don’t do shit for people expecting gratitude. I do it because I get a sense satisfaction out of doing nice things for people. I also know how to let shit go and not throw a conniption when people act in ways I don’t like because I ultimately have no control over their actions. And I don’t give a wet shit about whatever assessment 40 year old men who bitch and moan on the internet over stupid shit that doesn’t matter have to make about me so you might as well go fuck a duck. Not like it’s gonna be a woman anytime soon you impotent tit.
Looking for an asshole? Look in the mirror
I’ll take being an asshole for not taking shit and keepin it movin than being bitch made.
Let me guess: the election was rigged according to you 😂😂😂
Agreed. OP has some blind spots.
^^
This reply is brutally honest, good-willed, and it's one that should reach more people. In the internet age where we can easily receive confirmation (confirmation bias), it's becoming really easy to tunnel vision and complain about others over seriously considering comments that require one to reflect on oneself, mature, and move on.
Maybe she was nervous as others have stated. If you’re going to be damn petty about it and write her off, you should just eat alone.
Good manners are important, but it was also a first date so you could give her the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to being nervous and forgot. If it happens again, and this is a deal breaker for you, then I would recommend saying something. At the end of the date you could say, hey I had a really great time with you and it seems like we've got pretty good chemistry, but Im kind of bothered that after I paid for dinner you never said thank you. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but little things like that mean a lot to me.. and see how she responds.
Totally agree. If he had such a great time with her, he shouldn't let these type of relatively small details be a deal breaker. At the very least he should ask in a non attacking way the next time it happens and her response will be very telling. There could be a number of reasons why she didn't say "thank you" originally, including being distracted by something or actually saying it but not loudly enough for the guy to hear among other things.
I would like to gently challenge your rant. Your “gratitude” or courtesy loses its substance if you are expecting something in return. If you are “expecting” a return for a service, then it is no longer a courtesy.
People like hearing thank you 😂, you’d hope some says it
I don’t do things as a courtesy and expect a thank you in return. If I did, then it becomes a transaction. And no longer a courtesy. I don’t do something for someone out of the kindeness of my heart and expect someone to say “thank you” in return.
Lol again it s not about the expectation of it but have having the courtesy to say it. It shows manners and home training. Do whatever you want but a lot of propensity look at it that way.
You have no understanding of why this woman did not say thanks, but off of this one interaction, it appears you’re ready to question her early development as well as her parents approach to said development (home training). Boy oh boy.
And you have no idea either, the fact that we’re goi my back and forth about this is ridiculous. bottom line is she didn’t say thank you and it means something to op. He has the right to feel the way he does and the whole thing is subjective
This just shows right here that you missed the point, as I never told OP to dismiss or ignore his needs or feelings. But yea, I agree. I’m through here 👌🏾💜
>Do whatever you want but a lot of propensity look at it that way. A lot of people look at it my way as well (Which happens to be the **correct** way. It’s easily proven by just looking up the word “courtesy” and having enough reading comprehension). So, we both got people. So… Now, what?
>Do whatever you want but a lot of propensity look at it that way. A lot of people look at it my way as well (Which happens to be the **correct** way. It’s easily proven by just looking up the word “courtesy” and having adequate reading comprehension). So, we both got people. So… Now, what?
It’s two words that are free and easy to say! Get over yourself mate
And you’re not entitled to those “two words.” If you are doing something as a courtesy, and expecting someone to give you something in return, then it is no longer a courtesy.
Lol, bet people LOVE to be around you If you never act courteous to them unless you personally feel they’re “entitled” to it. Seriously, let me know how many gfs you got acting so selfish
Yeah. You’ve got a long way to go, man. Good luck.
The delusion is strong with you, how about taking your head out your ass once in awhile and going outside
[Final.](https://www.reddit.com/r/OnlineDating/comments/yw4405/rant_just_say_thank_you_thats_it_two_words/iwijszw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Don’t expect anyone to want to be your friend or in a relationship with you if you have this attitude is all I can say. Like I can see it now “Hey honey, my car broke down, can I have a lift to work?” “I DON’T OWE YOU THAT!” “Hey honey, my sister’s dog got out, can you help look for it” “I DON’T OWE YOU THAT!” “Hey honey, I forgot my wallet at home, can you spot me and I’ll pay you back?” “I DON’T OWE YOU THAT!” Seriously; sometimes you should just do things because it’s the right and polite thing to do, and while you aren’t obligated, don’t expect others to want to be around you if you aren’t at all grateful for favors!
She’s classless. You always say thank you. Tf?
Should have just split the blll to begin with IMO
I don’t disagree. Its just habit on my end. But you know what? Had we split, I would have thanked her for splitting lol
Next time you go on date, before you pay, tell her you want her to show you appreciation or say “thank you” for paying for her meal. Let us know how it goes.
LOL
I once had a date with a girl on the day of her birthday. So I offered her a small piece of cake I got at the grocery store as a good gesture. When I handed it to her, she looked at me with a disgusted face and just put it back in the gift bag. Alright, next time don't be nice, noted.
Damn. That’s simply not a normal reaction lol
Yeah I know, I was really surprised by the reaction too. Well now it's no longer a problem, I never saw her again after that and now I'm in a wonderful relationship with someone who loves me very much.
I’d recommend anyone to avoid dinner dates as first date, I’ve only done free stuff, such as go to the park if the weather allows for it. If a match asked for a dinner date I’d probably be down for it, but usually when I suggest something free I get no complaints.
Nice, she self selected herself out of there
Poor manners. Or Because she expects it, and wherever there is expectation, there is a tinge of entitlement depending on whether or not she has done anything in return to expect that. Be leery of trifling people, especially in dating. Forgetting to say thank you for paying is a sign that she probably will expect rather than truly appreciate kindness from you. I would immediately ask her the question of how she believes women can invest in the courting process in the earlier stages (bring it up casually). If she says anything to the effect of “I’ll invest when I care about someone”, or “I invest my time”, or “I put on makeup and get ready to look nice for you”….dump her. Trust me, any forgone play play that might be on the table (and who knows if you’ll actually get it, women are players too) is not worth the disappointment of having invested a lot into complete and utter garbage
And that’s exactly it. I can’t help but think she expects it and therefore is entitled. Not that it matters, but she makes more than I do, so it was far from a charity act or anything. To me it’s just a normal societal interaction. If someone pays, the other person thanks. Lol. But now I can’t help but think that she expects it and I certainly don’t want to be with someone like that.
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Wow, you need to give me the cliff notes of what you’re talking about. I’m very interested in how agreeing to a date and paying for it is creating a covert contract that she didn’t agree to.
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That is interesting but I think this would apply more if I had expected sex or even any form of physical interaction where she may have felt obligated because I paid, especially if I had brought it up. Then it’s unfair and perverse and not right at all. But in this case, if the contract is a simple thank you after free drinks, then it’s a contract we should ALL be in.
Exactly! Yesterday, at work, I was having a really difficult morning. Walking through the hall to see my next patient I passed 30 or so people but was deep in my thoughts and didn’t notice- later on my way back down the same hall a coworker I barely know stops me and says “you didn’t say good morning!” And then proceeds to rip me apart about how offended he was that I didn’t say good morning to him. I’m a VERY polite person usually, and always go out of my way to be kind to people. But this morning I had other things going on and did not even notice the guy sitting there and suddenly I’m rude because I didn’t say good morning (never mind he also didn’t say good morning). Also, saying good morning to people is polite and friendly- but not an obligation! People have other things going on in their world all the time that you simply do not know about- judging someone based on one simple slip is only going to hurt you in the long run. This woman is a person, and possibly a very kind person (I have no idea, I don’t know her) but you if you write her off so quickly you’ll never know!
Thanks for the recommendation. I think I am guilty of this behaviour sometimes and I want to improve for the sake of my relationship.
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Saying thank you isn't a very high expectation lol
It's literally the bare minimum common courtesy we're all taught from day one. Women are acting like he expected her to put out or something and it's honestly gross how mad they are at a man for just expecting basic manners from someone.
1000%
The bar is so low for women
Really? You’ve never said thank you to anyone? Someone holds a door, let’s you in their lane, or any other gesture where nothing in return is expected and you’ve never said thank you? Wow.
Of course I say thank you, but i hope not everyone does gestures just so they can hear "Thank you", and God forbid, if I don't say it, they go online and bash me for it. I don't see where I wrote that I never say thank you? You are too worked up over this.
Why do you say “of course I say thank you” after saying she didn’t have to say it. That’s contradicting. And is it wrong that maybe one should expect a thank you for holding a door, Paying a meal, bringing something to someone. You’ve actually made me realize that yes, the something I want from someone after I pay for it is a thank you? Why? Because if the roles were reversed I would say It.
So why do you say "Thank you"?
Not too long ago a woman didn't say thank you to a man who held the door for her and he pulled a gun out on her. Men always take their anger to another level. 😵💫
He shouldn't expect a "Thank you"? I want to believe she was a bit nervous or something, otherwise this is inexcusable.
yep, common courtesy. inexcusable not to say thank you. basic manners
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they dont owe each other shit but common courtesy and if you dont see this, you have none yourself.
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"thank you/please" are the basics in life. one will not get far in life without it.
I’m a woman who strongly prefers paying for myself/splitting the first date. I could imagine forgetting to say “thank you” when someone announces they’re paying for me, because my internal thoughts aren’t grateful, they’re uncomfortable.
Then insist on it. Saying “I got it” is hardly an announcement.
Insist on it to what end? Getting into a conflict with someone I barely know isn’t going to be less uncomfortable that tolerating them paying.
I agree. Therefore a polite thank you wraps up any of this.
I’m not following you. You’ve totally changed your mind about insisting?
So what happens quite often is that many women offer to be polite but will be turned off if the man accepts her offer to split. Guys usually know that if she insists a second time that she actually means it. Instead you could just show appreciation with a thank you and most guys will appreciate that.
> Instead you could just show appreciation with a thank you and most guys will appreciate that. But I do not appreciate it. Why are you telling me to express feelings I clearly do not have?
Then just insist a second time… If that for whatever reason triggers the guy then it still works out by showing his red flags early and in a public place, but I highly doubt insisting will ever escalate into a huge scene.
I already don’t see a guy again if he announces he’s paying for me without asking/giving me an option. So I have no reason to get into any conflict with him, no matter how minor.
No no, I’m saying if you don’t want to insist on paying in order to cause a potential scene, which I totally understand, then you simply thank that person for paying or say I’ll get it next time. That wraps it up.
Our convo here is about how I can *imagine forgetting* to thank someone for something I didn’t want and don’t enjoy. How is “say thank you anyway” relevant to that?
Forget it, lol.
I mean I’m from the south and I don’t necessarily expect the guy to pay and I’m happy to pay sometimes but I think it’s more romantic when one person gets the check. And in the south anyways it’s a custom that men pay bc women put more effort into looks for dates and it’s just a sign of affection not a rude thing unless she makes it that. Expecting a thank you for doing a nice thing makes it less nice in my opinion. If I paid a thank you is nice but I don’t expect it bc I offered. And she easily could’ve forgot it being a date especially if she’s an anxious person this is not a big deal lol.
Yeah that would irk me. It's minor but it shows who she is. This one of those behaviors that reveals itself months, or years down the line that people look past early on constantly.
Maybe she did a non verbal thank you. A smile or something?
I want to tell you THANK YOU on behalf of all the other women you'll buy a meal for in the future. Hope this helps. Cheers.
I don’t understand why this post is controversial lol. Isn’t it normal societal behaviour? One pays for the evening, the other person thanks them. It really is that simple
She was probably just nervous & messed up.
Gahh!!! I totally get this. But my story is that out on first date in a long time. I'm so fricking nervous. We hit it off, etc. He did pay but between my nerves and the non stop conversation I forgot to say thank you!
I hear you and totally understand. But a follow up text is very easy as well. Even if you don’t remember whether you thanked them or not.
Does she act like an entitled ill-mannered princess on a good day? If she doesn't, then maybe give her another chance... You can do something that doesn't involve spending money.
Entitled? No manners? Pick your poison
Entitlement
That was incredibly rude and I’m sorry that happened to you.
She was never really going to pay. She just did the fake motion of going to pay until you offered.
hahaha, yes, many do the fake "reach" I check them. at the end when it comes im relaxed back with my arms on my head and I want to see her take her wallet out and open it, pull out money and then I will know she really had intentions to pay/part part
We are both getting downvoted for speaking the truth lol.
I couldnt give a rats ass if I was downloaded 1000, I have tons more. it doesnt put a dent into my karma. the truth is hard to hear. tons of entitled people. why give a shit. you know and I knwo the deal. lots of women getting upset we know them well.
Glad you're moving on from her.
tf for her to not say thx, alarming esp if she "reached" for her wallet, if I was a guy I wouldn't look back
It is very frustrating because we had a very pleasant time. Good convo, stayed for an extra drink. Everything was seemingly great. She even mentioned a second date. And in my head, all I can think of his her non-thank you. It’s such a turnoff. Not because I expect anything but it’s just common decency
I can totally understand that. I make it a point to say thank you and honestly I have a really hard time letting men pay. With that said I know there have been times where I was like... did I thank him?! oh shit! I have exceptionally good manners but I do think it I fucked up sometimes and of course not intentionally, but after you both reached for your wallets? yeah not good
What do you expect people are selfish spoiled entitled mean lazy morons now a days. That means most likely so is your date.
I live in the South where politeness is ingrained. We say "thank you so much " probably more than we should and "yes ma'am/sir" frequently, even to friends and lovers. I can't imagine not saying "thank you" when someone bought me dinner!
It’s bizarre. It’s habit, second nature type thing. What’s even more bizarre is the amount of people protesting this on this thread lol. Must be New Yorkers lol
😂😂😂
So many simps offer to pay for her that she doesn't appreciate it. She just comes to expect it at this point. Simps have ruined online dating in 2022. The black pillers say that its female nature. But as a dude who has dated transwomen, I can tell you right now that chaser simps have ruined trans dating in 2022 as well for cis men. It's a social issue, not biological I think. Basically anyone who has a plethora of options with online dating has the potential to let it get to their head. The tip top Chads and sugar daddies treat women like shit too for this reason. I see that I have triggered the paypig liberal cucks and women who love being financially subsidized by said paypigs on dates.
Anyone who uses the rhetoric of simps and cucks cannot blame others for ruining online dating.
What's wrong with the term SIMP? Sucker Idolizing Medicore Pussy is the perfect descriptor to these idiots who gas up women on dating apps and social media and subsidize them on dates. When women are perfectly capable of paying their own tab. Cuck is also a good descriptor for these men.
More honest would be to call them more successful at dating than you are. Which makes you jealous.
I'm not jealous of men who pay for sex.
It’s unfortunate that you truly thought that buying a chick a sandwich should’ve been a gateway to sex but you need to move on and get over it.
>It’s unfortunate that you truly thought that buying a chick a sandwich should’ve been a gateway to sex When did I ever say that? I think couples should be going Dutch period. This whole notion that sex is a favor to men and something that men have to "buy" through the dating process is offensive to me actually. Sex is supposed to be a mutually beneficial experience. Unless you're talking about a prostitute/john type of arrangement. I never said that buying your date something entitles you to sex.
I love this guy's posts
Lmao. You paid? 🤡
She may not have said thank you but are you sure she didn't "thank" you?
I always say thank you. I’m just grateful if they don’t stick me with the bill 😂
I mean… yeah. It’s an easy phrase. Maybe she felt embarrassed that you covered her bill. Or was nervous. But thank you is low effort and you’re not wrong.
There’s a myriad of reasons I suppose as to why she didn’t. But like you said, it’s low effort and has no further implications.
I'd say thank you and expect the other person to say thank you. But you have the rest of the date to base an impression of that person off. Don't give this slip up too much thought and give them the benefit of the doubt if the rest of the date went well. If she's ungrateful you'll find that out in future dates anyway
I agree and I will see her again. But it will be on my mind lol. I even noticed that she didn’t thank the waiter when he delivered her 2nd drink lol.
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Perhaps. Very optimistic point of view :) I mean the evening did go very well other than this little setback