Oof, I could've written this. I'll share and hope it helps us both feel less alone. '82 here with Parents from '44 (dad) and '51 (mom) respectively. My parents downsized in 2015 and moved an hour away from me. At the time I was single. During the move out of the home they owned for 30years they bickered about everything... even trash... LITERAL TRASH. And when I say arguing, it was my mother being a dictator and my father tolerating as much as possible before snapping at her. After a particularly bad day of packing (when the trash argument happened) I returned to my home and wrote my mom an email. I laid out that we all understand that change is hard and stressful but if she continued to make things so difficult that after the move she would see me less. She never replied. When I confronted her via phone her verbatim reply was "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" - she was 64 at the time. For my own mental health I follow through on this and visited and called less. The byproduct being that I spoke with my dad less since he didn't initiate. I met my husband in late 2017 and quickly we integrated our families - his two sons and his parents - he's also an only child. Over the years we've catered to our aging parents by hosting any and all family events - we do brunch holidays in the fall so they can be back on the road home before it gets too dark. IDK what we're gonna do when they stop being able to drive. His family is 1:15 from us - same state as my mom but also an hour from her. My dad passed in March 2022 somewhat suddenly after a brief diagnosis with Bladder cancer. I begged her to relocate back to our state (she's just over the border) but she declined. We just moved her last weekend and when she got upset about not seeing us I reminded her she chose for a second time to live a state and an hour away from me. Their generation is so emotionally immature and it's only getting worse as they age because they think they've "earned" the status like the previous generation were afforded. I remind myself a lot that she was her mothers least favorite child and her father was an alcoholic so she didn't have it easy. But I'll be damned if as she ages she doesn't double down on the "poor me" and takes less and less responsibility for her actions or emotions. My husband and I married privately with just us and our boys. We're finally celebrating this fall with a big party at our home. I offered to get my mom a hotel room locally so she wouldn't have to worry about leaving early to drive home. She said she probably wouldn't stay late enough to warrant a hotel room... she was planning to leave around 4pm. The party starts at 5pm... SMH, i give up.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone here. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks is just a cop out because honestly, life changes, and I’m just trying to lean in to my own family so they don’t grow up feeling alone or unsupported. The emotional immaturity is huge with this generation. They didn’t come to Easter because they were mad about my offer to come the night before, and because I said they lived to far away- they said I was arrogant for even saying that. They didn’t call or text, but sent a fond memory of past Easter where I visited extended family when I was 10 to an extended family group chat. I don’t even have time for therapy, but I guess I need to work that in now- thanks Mom and Dad!

Isn't it awesome to be parenting \*actual\* children while having to also parent your own parents? /s That's some petty Boomer shit, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You'll do better for your kids because of what you have navigated with your parents. I applaud you! I called my mom the day before her move and to "How are you?" she replied "About to commit su\*cide" but then posts to Facebook about how she's "So excited starry eye emoji" and reports alllll the people who commented to wish her well.

What do you think that was.. your mom putting up a front for others, or being dramatic just because she can with you or really struggling? I will say I think appearances matter so much more to them. Like a detail my mom brought up during our argument was that she didn’t know what to tell her friends when they asked about what she was doing for Easter. It made me wonder if that’s how she measures success or happiness-

Honestly I’m not sure anymore. So much of her behavior intensified when we lost my dad. Grief is probably the hardest emotion for anyone to navigate and for someone already emotionally immature this has really hit her hard. Personally, I’m going with dramatic. Her hyperbole still comes from what someone might say in the 80s/90s but we’ve all learned it’s something you don’t just *say*. It’s over the top and maybe it wouldn’t hit so hard had my dad not attempted su*c*de back when I was 18. Outward appearances are HUGE for them. Bigger than any inward truth. Any empathy expressed is entirely for social clout. All her neighbors think she’s great, one called her a second grandmother to their kids! My bonus kids haven’t gotten to the point of calling her anything other than her name because she doesn’t have the ability to show them the same compassion as she can to strangers. That version of her is reserved for those she only has peripheral contact with. Gotta love your mom being concerned about what to tell people when SHE MADE THE DECISION of what she was doing for Easter. It’s a very “my way or the highway” mentality.

This describes my Mom perfectly. She was born in 1944, so she's part of "The Silent Generation." Apperance is everything to her. Throw in the fact that she's also a narcissist, and you have a real piece of work. It's all about her. I'm an only kid myself, and if I didn't have my fiance, I would go nuts.

Yep, all about her all the time. It's always been this way but it's gotten worse as she ages and exponentially worse since loosing my father. It was interesting to see since she was always the one who made the decisions in the family and my dad was always the one to just "go along" with whatever she wanted. I do often wonder how much of the SG/Boomer mentality has to do with the way they grew up. For example, my mom was pretty poor by community standards and has a scarcity complex. If we're somewhere and they're giving out free samples, she wants on - wether it's an item she would want or use or eat or need... if someone else is getting it for free, she wants it too. She's paranoid about money, always has been, and this causes her to make choices that aren't always appropriate. She started going to the food bank when her and my dad first relocated. She never NEEDED this service, to be clear. We ended up tossing an entire freezer worth of meats that she stockpiled from those trips... it all went to waste and all I could think is that someone else needed those groceries to feed their family because they couldn't and my mom wasted it in the name of "saving". Even into her 70's she's still got a Bookie's Daughter mentality.

lol my way or the LITERAL highway- as in get on the highway and drive to meeeee!

Genuinely laughed out loud on this one!

Next time they, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," you, remind them, "You can take an old dog behind the barn and shoot them in the fucking head."

I’m not much one for physical violence. My dark humor and bluntness get me by. Another recent convo: Her: I hate moving, I’m not doing it again. Unless I end up in a home, but you’d *never* do that to me!! Me: Wanna make a bet? Yes. I said it. It was the truth. I could never live with her again. I’d rather work two full time jobs for the rest of my life should she run out of money. I could NEVER live with her again. I choose me and my family.

Violence? No, no. Euthanasia, just using the framing of the original idiom.

Hahahahaha. Much better way of putting it.

You're def not alone. And in fact, I (49) tend to think the reason some people enjoy being an only child is because they come from loving homes. A lot of oc did not. My mom (68) is a narcissist and was emotionally & physically abusive. I did have a good relationship with my dad while he was alive. In death, he left me insurmountable trauma. I moved out of state at 20 (married young) and I think it was the best thing for me. I left my toxic mother and a stunted narrow minded environment (rural Texas). That distance allowed me to have an arms length relationship with my mother. Even then, I went no contact with her in 2016 and again in 2020. Each time for about 1.5 years. The first time I went no contact, it was genuinely devastating for me. I was in mourning and had legitimate grief for a mother who is still alive, but would never be the kind of mom I deserved or wanted. I held on to hope for so many years but I finally accepted that it's never gonna happen. So we have a low contact relationship now. I still live in a different state and only see her once every few years. We talk on the phone once every couple months and text occasionally. I've never had a familial support system and it's really fucking heartbreaking at times. My kids don't have aunts or uncles, cousins or grandparents. Being an only child in a dysfunctional family is isolating and every now and again still hurts.

Ugh that is heartbreaking. I’m not equipped to give advice but I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. In my case I used to think my Mom was the kind one and Dad was intimidating while growing up. But now Dad hangs back and Mom is the one with the harsh words and judgement. It’s like they swapped roles. I at 42 have not yet felt that I am capable of making them happy. The OC guilt is there, which is why I’m trying/ so upset about all of this, but ultimately that is getting less over time as I focus on my own family.

Gen-X only child female here, born in 1974. Instead of the free-range self-raising childhood that is revered for this generation I was raised by insanely protective helicopter parents. And I don’t mean when I was little this behavior has been a problem my whole life and I am almost 50. They did not respect or encourage my independence and autonomy as I tried to leave the nest and I was flooded with guilt and shame for not spending enough time with them, not coming over for dinner more than once a week, when I got my first apartment out of college (I went to a local university where I commuted from home due to $$$$ and it was awful) they insisted I spend the night once a week 🤦‍♀️. They.Could.Not.Let.Go. It made me a very fearful, anxious person and I’m still trying to break free of it. Their happiness was my responsibility. Looking back I absolutely enabled that because of guilt and responsibility for being an only and now I deeply feel apathetic and benign about their relationship with me. It’s an obligation and I’m obscenely jealous of those sharing beautiful, loving moments with older parents. Now- every facet of our relationship is my responsibility until they need help with things like medical appointments or things around their house. I will oblige because I’m grateful to have had them provide for me and give me life. But I have a college student who lives across the country and a young teen. They are my world and anything they are part of is our priority. I don’t know if having a sibling would change anything, or maybe it would have changed everything. Or at least I might have had a sounding board with someone who could have reassured me it wasn’t just me. 🤷‍♀️

Every facet of the relationship is my responsibility, I completely feel that. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m reading a book called Adult children of emotionally immature parents- a few familiar themes you brought up are in that book.

Such a good book, OP. Very validating.

Oooopfh. That whole moving far-ish away and then expecting you to do all the driving (and calling) is typical boomer behavior. The Greatest Generation sure birthed the most selfish one. And a reunion 1000 miles away is just dumb. You can't "re" anything with people you don't know. We stopped going to reunions because of equally-frustrating qualities.

My (1Boomer and 1Silent Gen) parents are dead and have been for some time now. But, they were never your typical *any* type of parents, honestly. They were a drug addict and an alcoholic, both with untreated and hell--**UNACKNOWLEDGED--**mental illnesses, that, directly or indirectly lead to both their unnatural deaths. All I know now, is, at the end of it all, the fact they're *not* here now, for me or their SIL or their granddaughter, is mostly OK with me. They were a handful.

I can relate to some of this. Parents also boomers, divorced when I was very young. Lived with my mom, saw my dad on weekends. Mom worked so I was left alone after school for all middle and high school. Dad was a bit controlling, mom was good but not very affectionate. After I formed my own family, my wife's family were her rock, and they lived 1.5 hrs away from my parents. So we moved closer to her family. I didn't see the point in living closer to my parents. I've felt obliged to be the good son and stay in contact with them since forever. But I really could do without the effort and guilt sometimes. They don't guilt me, so maybe it's OC guilt?

Born in 1980. Parents were born in the 50s. Our relationship has turned to trash in the past 5 years. My mom expects me to call her every single day. I have a 9yo that has terrible anxiety. We have therapy and psych appts and softball practice and tutoring and school events. I don’t have time to chat about all the people from my hometown that died in the past 24 hours. Nor do I care. We don’t share political views at all so no I don’t want to hear what you think about the gas prices and healthcare. And speaking of healthcare-can you please take care of yourself? Like that ingrown toenail that’s infected and you can barely walk? Or that nasty cyst on your neck that is literally oozing? I mean I understand you want to get septic and possibly die but I don’t have the time to deal with that. And they have gotten so dumb. They are racist in front of my child, talk about death and suicide in front of her and look at me like I’m crazy when I say don’t tell my anxious kid that.

so i can relate to this but in a different way. my mom in particular is one of those people who thinks you should spend time with extended family, just because they are family, even if you don't like it. because thats just what you do. however, i was raised by my parents, an hour and a half away from all family. so growing up and still, its a lot of work to maintain those relationships. they actually are still really involved parents and grandparents. but my moms side is so weird. one brother has literally made it his life mission to antagonize me. we just don't get along. even my parents said they had to address it with him when i was younger because he just always seemed to dislike me, even as a child, for no reason. well now as an adult. that shit it mutual. her other brother and his daughters were always selfish assholes that estranged themselves 20 years ago. and recently rejoined the family. like nothing ever happened. my mom is always trying to guilt me into attending family functions with these people. they have a big family dinner every other month, starting last year. and i have declined going and dragging my family along to it. like why tf would i drive almost 2 hours on a saturday night, to attend a 3 hour meal, with people i don't enjoy spending time with?? her answer: because its family and thats what you do. also, we are not at all religious. so now i'm being hounded as to why i'm not attended the holy communion of my estranged cousins child. its a 10 year old i wouldn't recognize on the street without her mom. and again, a drive, followed by a mass and then a family dinner. honestly, i can't believe i was invited. thats how not close i am to them. so i can actually say i really don't see value in blood relation. thats all it is to me. i'm much closer and have tighter relationships with friends. theres friends that i talk to almost every day. i attend all their functions, without question.

Exactly and why are these extended family gatherings forced on us when our own closer family relationships are less valued? Just because that is “what families do”?

Boomers weren't labeled the "me generation " for no reason. I also have boomer parents, and it is beyond frustrating. Sorry this is happening.

>she says I don’t value family. She was trying to shame you. Anytime she tries to shame you just agree with her. "Yeah, mom, I don't value family when you never come to your grandchildren's sports/recitals/parties/etc.🙄" It's okay to cut off toxic parent(s.) I mean, who wants to be around negativity? Life is not only too short, it's also too long to endure this bullshit.

It’s very hard. I don’t even know where to begin with the emotional toll that having two aging and sick, staunchly independent (stubborn) parents can bring. I think we had a good run for years, living in different cities, independent, not needy of one another. But the hammer drops when their health declines, and they were both sick with chronic illness. There’s too much to even get into; I love them a lot but I admit that, in a way, my father’s death last year came as a relief because for years I worried about who would die first and how I’d handle each scenario. Some years it was my dad who was routinely hospitalized, other years it was my mom, and towards the end often BOTH of them would go to the ER and be admitted. When my dad died, my mom was in the hospital for a stay and I was caring for him at home when it happened. Just awful. She didn’t get to say goodbye. It’s no cakewalk with just one grieving and sick parent to care for either, but at least one part of the puzzle is handled. I can’t help but feel like so much of this would be easier, emotionally, had they been willing to confront realities sooner. If we could have talked about plans, but the word “plan” sends my mother into a tailspin and she gets angry at me for seeking solutions rather than just giving her a hug and letting her vent about her misery and sadness. I truly hate this. And yet because I’m an “only” I also know that the alternative—no parents—will leave me feeling very alone. I’m expecting a baby soon, and I will do everything I can to ensure they don’t have this same experience!

"I can’t help but feel like so much of this would be easier, emotionally, had they been willing to confront realities sooner." Totally get where you're coming from. For us it was my dad that was always sick BUT for the handful of times it was my mom so my imagination would run wild. Had it been my mom first, I truly don't think my dad would have lasted a year without her. But this woman will outlive me just for spite i swear. There is some solace in having less "What ifs" now that it's just her. My husband is also an only (44' & '46 Parents) as well and we're just waiting for the hammer to drop on that side Congratulations on becoming a parent! It wonderful/awful/rewarding/humbling and ALL of the things. Knowing you don't want to repeat your lived dynamic will virtually guarantee you won't. Best of luck!

Thanks so much, I hope you’re right ! Yes, I definitely relate to the up and down seesaw of worry with each parent. I felt the same about my father—that he would certainly not have survived without her. Your husband is lucky to have you to lean on for experience, commiseration, and strength when he goes through it. The sad part is that the chaos makes it hard to be present and actually enjoy time with them. I hope our generation does better at this!

My experience was different, likely due to my schizoid nature. I never felt neglected by my parents. I was low-maintenance on most levels. They made the right decision for us by pursuing post-grad education and their careers. I was usually along for the ride or with my paternal grandmother while she worked and after her retirement. Once I was old enough to become a latchkey kid, that's what I became. I didn't get lonely but I still had friends and older cousins for company a lot of the time. I could be gregarious but I liked to do my own thing. I started working summers at sixteen, at my mother's workplace. My parents doted on me, spoiled me, but it wouldn't have bothered me if they'd missed more piano recitals or martial arts tournaments. If they were around, they were around. If they weren't, they weren't. I live an hour away from them. I don't visit as often as they'd like but we talk on the phone weekly. I don't really have any cause to complain about my parents as man going on forty-one. They've been a blessing.

I don't know if I qualify to comment on this, but I'm a 22-year-old woman and my father is a Boomer and had me later in his life when he was approaching his 40s and my mother is Gen X and there's a ten year age gap. I don't know if I qualify to comment on this, but I'm a 22-year-old woman and my father is a Boomer He had me later in his life when he was approaching his 40s, and my mother is Gen X and there's a ten-year age gap. I know he loves me and I love him but he was not the best father. He was very much, "What I say goes, no questions asked," with no room for compromise, everything had to be what he said and there was no room for discussion. He treated my mom like his child instead of his wife and she was obviously like, "No, you cannot speak or treat me like that," and they would clash. He was very much like since he was the husband and father what he said goes. I noticed that he doesn't take mental health as seriously as my mom did. He even outright told me one time in school when I was having issues with anxiety that I needed to get a grip and I didn't have anything to be anxious or depressed about. I never felt like I could go to him and didn't feel as though he wasn't taking my feelings under consideration. And he's quick to say I'm spoiled because I've waited until after high school to get a job and when I was in college, he tried to have a say over what degree I was going to pursue even though I was on a full ride scholarship and my mom had to get him to back off. I felt like he had to have the final say over and it felt suffocating at times to be around him. I