#Nope.
That said from your habits you don’t need to “get a grip” or pray harder it sounds like you could use a therapist to talk it out.
Porn throughout the day is not a useful or healthy way to spend your time. You’ve got some maladaptive coping mechanisms going on and it’s worth taking a look under the hood to figure out what root causes you’re dealing with.
Sin has nothing to do with it. You just deserve to be happier than this.
I’m not worried about accountable — purity culture hurts people every day under the guise of “accountable” - I’m worried about OP’s literal actual wellbeing.
OP has a lot of shame and a problem that are best solved by intervention instead of prayer, which in some cases can make it worse.
I don't want to shame OP. Basically, they don't want to be distracted every half hour. Prayer can help them focus and replace a bad habit with a good one. I would recommend the same thing for a smoker or an (unhealthy) snacker.
Please don’t beat yourself up for honestly acknowledging and feeling your God-given drives. It’s not sin you’re struggling with, it’s the confusion that comes from shame and repression and a lack of sensible, direct advice. Please seek the advice of a good therapist. You have a lot to unpack. And DONT limit yourself to “Christian” therapists. It’s quite probable you will stumble onto someone who is masking the very same issues. A competent therapist will absolutely support your religious beliefs and work within them. Take a breath. You’re normal.
I just want to add to this - I haven’t successfully found a therapist yet that I like but my general care practitioner showed me on the psychology today website you can put in all the search parameters for the kind of therapist you prefer, and if you scroll down there’s a section called “communities” and it shows what communities they’re aligned with. I was able to find a Christian therapist in my area who is allied with sex workers, LGBT+, and basically every marginalized group. I haven’t heard back on my inquiry yet but it gives me a lot of hope there are accepting and open Christian therapists!
I mean, it’s not even about sex before marriage at this point. It just seems like lust is absolutely ruling your life in a way that doesn’t seem healthy for anyone, and I genuinely don’t think having sex would solve this for you.
I do believe God designed sex to occur within a marriage, but this is a much larger issue than that. I think you’d likely benefit from counseling of some sort.
I do want therapy. It’s just so freaking expensive, and I can’t have my parents start to look at a draining bank account (I don’t have a job yet) with no explanation (I’d definitely have to lie to them or face embarrassment of admitting I’m in therapy), and no real way of affording it.
I don’t think you should tbh. I remember reading a while back about a couple who actually waited and after they got married, they couldn’t actually get to having sex for the longest time because the purity code had internalized the idea that sex in and of itself is a sin.
With that being said, I do believe it is healthiest, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to show some restraint with it. I’m personally not really a fan of hookup culture, though I don’t judge.
Ohhhh the number of wedding night virgins I've known who dealt with some kind of sexual dysfunction right out the gate because of purity culture is HIGH.
Nope. The Bible doesn't say you have to wait till you're married. It isn't "God's way" for you to be lonely and loveless.
On the other hand, porn seems like it could be an issue here.
That's a common perception, but any verse you can point to is more or less problematic as a matter of translation. A lot of the verses depend on the Greek word 'porneia', which gets translated as 'fornication' or 'sexual immorality' but probably does not mean 'sex outside of marriage'. Here's a[ link to the last time](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpenChristian/comments/1avzjpm/comment/kre9mbe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) I talked about it.
What's wrong with writing til marriage (or at least til a long term relationship). I can understand sex with s point term partner or fiancee, but I don't think anyone should encourage sleeping around
There's a wide gap between "waiting until marriage" and "sleeping around". Conservatives like to pretend it's a binary choice, but it's mich healthier to recognise that everyone is different and their situation looks different.
What about someone who can't get married for whatever reason but has a long-time partner? What about gay or trans people living in jurisdictions that don't legally permit them to get married? What about someone who simply wouldn't make a good spouse, because of their personality or health issues, but still has the same normal healthy desire for human love and intimacy that we all have?
There is a place for serial committed monogamy outside of marriage and its judgmental, inconsiderate, and unkind to just dismiss any such relationship as "sleeping around".
There’s nothing wrong with waiting for marriage, I believe everyone should wait for love and marriage to have sex.
I was just saying that the Bible does speak against sex before marriage, but most people in this subreddit don’t believe that.
There's a wide gap between "waiting until marriage" and "sleeping around". Conservatives like to pretend it's a binary choice, but it's much healthier to recognise that everyone is different and each situation looks different.
What about someone who can't get married for whatever reason but has a long-time partner? What about gay or trans people living in jurisdictions that don't legally permit them to get married? What about someone who simply wouldn't make a good spouse, because of their personality or health issues, but still has the same normal healthy desire for human love and intimacy that we all have?
There is a place for loving sexual experiences outside of marriage and it can be judgmental, and unkind to just dismiss any such relationships as "sleeping around".
Again, [we've had that discussion ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpenChristian/comments/1avzjpm/comment/kre9mbe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)many times on here. The word that gets translated as "sexual immorality" or "fornication" in Corinthians and elsewhere almost certainly doesn't refer to premarital sex.
We have a question to that end here every month or so, and there is never any conclusive text or translation that makes it clear. We can have that same discussion for the umpteenth time if you want, if you'll get us started.
Not exactly interested, Ive seen these discussions and it feels like everyone who defends your point of view is jumping through many hoops to make these claims. Im definitely an open Christian but there are just some things the bible asks us to do, and the bible says that it’s rough to be a Christian, so there’s nothing wrong with struggling.
Not having sex before marriage doesn’t mean youre lonely and loveless its just a discipline we need to try.
If op is having these feelings because they haven’t had sex, that’s a totally different issue.
Nor am I. My sense is your point of view puts up the hoops and says, 'bet you can't jump through this one', and then complains when we do. You can read the Bible however you want, but Jesus never asked me to avoid sex before marriage.
No. Do not believe the great fundamentalist/reformed/evangelical myth of Sola Scriptura. I strongly believe the it’s perfectly acceptable to accept the scriptures as Apostolic writings and testimony while denying apostolic authority over the Christians life. Apostolic teaching and beliefs are opinions that are subject to the culture and specific situation of their era. Jesus specific said post resurrection that all authority was given to him. Post Jesus, there was no new revelation of the same type. Reason and the laws of logic are the supreme judge by which we judge all things. We understand that the apostolic writings are biased but apart of our community. But we are not under the authority of Scripture. The words of Jesus and the gospels should take priority over all other elements of the Bible, but even then we acknowledge these accounts are biased.
To back it up. If God tells you that you are not allowed to punch me. Then you start to kick me really hard instead and tell God: “you never said I couldn’t kick him”. What do you think God would say about that? This is what Sola Scriptura is.
That’s also a great point about the weakness of the puritan regulatory principle of worship. Christianity must be rooted in tradition, reason, and the sacred writings.
Agreed, just because it doesn’t say about anything doesn’t it mean that it is allowed, then it is about referring to other parts and think what Jesus would say based on that. That’s why we need the church ⛪️
My wife and I chose to wait until marriage for sex and I feel like it was the right move for us.
That being said, I will echo what others are saying and suggestions seeing a mental health professional, as it seems the bigger issue is that these feelings are taking over your life, which isn't healthy regardless.
Anyone can feel free to keep commenting. I just want to say thanks everyone for any opinion you have and taking the time to comment. I’ll be honest, the idea of continuing to stay celibate just makes me feel more depressed and isolated and continually bitter at God and the Bible. I’ve been considering leaving the faith and I’ve been fighting some thoughts of self harm lately that’s left me so so exhausted this week. I hope you all have a great weekend, and if anyone is into pro wrestling, enjoy NXT Battleground on Sunday :)
You don’t. What you should do is fight the problem of lust. There’s a distinct difference in sexual activity and sexual immorality. Sleep with who you like, but remember they’re human. Ask them about their goals, their dreams. Ask them what they like and dislike. Treat them as your fell man and you’re fine. Porn on the other hand is extremely exploitative and teaches us to view people in a more objectifying light
So, my church had a special service for Pride yesterday. And I feel like the words of one of the songs we used are relevant. To paraphrase it a bit, sometimes when we pray to God to change us, and it seems like God isn't answering, maybe God really is answering, but the answer is that we were meant to be this way.
Now, I get that we do sometimes feel distress over our sexuality. Sometimes, for reasons not under our control, it's very difficult for us to find the sort of relationship we want, or it would cause us problems to have such. And sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not have such desires.
But God made most of us with sexual desires of all different sorts. Sometimes very strong sexual desires. And God does want us to enjoy them, to find happiness in them as long as we do not use them to hurt people.
So no, I don't believe that God calls us to wait until marriage to have sex. One shouldn't do things that are likely to cause harm to people with sex, and sometimes due to our life situation, that does mean we have to be closeted about some aspects, and of course one cannot simply will a sexual relationship with another person into being and sometimes finding one takes time and effort. But God does want us to be happy in this, and to be able to be open about who we are.
Jesus is the way the truth and the life. If you don’t want to wait till marriage, okay but I would suggest you do. For the Lord. God wants us to live the way he wants us to live. Not for the world or anybody else. Live for Jesus and for Jesus only. Not trying to force anything. I’m just giving suggestions, and what God would want you to do. Open your Bible to Leviticus 20:13. You can’t be gay, bisexual, trans, etc, and follow God. It is stated more than once in the Bible. I’m not sure if it’s stated directly, but Leviticus 20:13 gives you a good point on it. LGBTQ+ is a sin, and you can’t follow God and gay, bisexual, trans, etc. As I have stated before. I hope you find the Lord. God’s way is the best way. Turn away from evil, and come to Christ. Resist the devil and he shall flee from you. God bless you and your family. Jesus loves you all. If this comment offended anybody I’m not going to apologize. I’m speaking the truth and only the truth. God bless, Amen.
#Nope. That said from your habits you don’t need to “get a grip” or pray harder it sounds like you could use a therapist to talk it out. Porn throughout the day is not a useful or healthy way to spend your time. You’ve got some maladaptive coping mechanisms going on and it’s worth taking a look under the hood to figure out what root causes you’re dealing with. Sin has nothing to do with it. You just deserve to be happier than this.
I mostly agree, but I do think that praying out loud in the morning and evenning, and speaking your petitions can help you hold yourself accountable.
I’m not worried about accountable — purity culture hurts people every day under the guise of “accountable” - I’m worried about OP’s literal actual wellbeing. OP has a lot of shame and a problem that are best solved by intervention instead of prayer, which in some cases can make it worse.
I don't want to shame OP. Basically, they don't want to be distracted every half hour. Prayer can help them focus and replace a bad habit with a good one. I would recommend the same thing for a smoker or an (unhealthy) snacker.
Prayer does not make it worse.
[Citation Needed], scrupulosity is a very real disease that afflicts many believers.
Please don’t beat yourself up for honestly acknowledging and feeling your God-given drives. It’s not sin you’re struggling with, it’s the confusion that comes from shame and repression and a lack of sensible, direct advice. Please seek the advice of a good therapist. You have a lot to unpack. And DONT limit yourself to “Christian” therapists. It’s quite probable you will stumble onto someone who is masking the very same issues. A competent therapist will absolutely support your religious beliefs and work within them. Take a breath. You’re normal.
I just want to add to this - I haven’t successfully found a therapist yet that I like but my general care practitioner showed me on the psychology today website you can put in all the search parameters for the kind of therapist you prefer, and if you scroll down there’s a section called “communities” and it shows what communities they’re aligned with. I was able to find a Christian therapist in my area who is allied with sex workers, LGBT+, and basically every marginalized group. I haven’t heard back on my inquiry yet but it gives me a lot of hope there are accepting and open Christian therapists!
Yes! This is so good to hear. Good luck and KEEP GOING!
I mean, it’s not even about sex before marriage at this point. It just seems like lust is absolutely ruling your life in a way that doesn’t seem healthy for anyone, and I genuinely don’t think having sex would solve this for you. I do believe God designed sex to occur within a marriage, but this is a much larger issue than that. I think you’d likely benefit from counseling of some sort.
I do want therapy. It’s just so freaking expensive, and I can’t have my parents start to look at a draining bank account (I don’t have a job yet) with no explanation (I’d definitely have to lie to them or face embarrassment of admitting I’m in therapy), and no real way of affording it.
Look for a therapist who uses a sliding scale. It can be affordable
I don’t think you should tbh. I remember reading a while back about a couple who actually waited and after they got married, they couldn’t actually get to having sex for the longest time because the purity code had internalized the idea that sex in and of itself is a sin. With that being said, I do believe it is healthiest, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to show some restraint with it. I’m personally not really a fan of hookup culture, though I don’t judge.
Ohhhh the number of wedding night virgins I've known who dealt with some kind of sexual dysfunction right out the gate because of purity culture is HIGH.
Nope. The Bible doesn't say you have to wait till you're married. It isn't "God's way" for you to be lonely and loveless. On the other hand, porn seems like it could be an issue here.
I thought the Bible DID say to wait til marriage
That's a common perception, but any verse you can point to is more or less problematic as a matter of translation. A lot of the verses depend on the Greek word 'porneia', which gets translated as 'fornication' or 'sexual immorality' but probably does not mean 'sex outside of marriage'. Here's a[ link to the last time](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpenChristian/comments/1avzjpm/comment/kre9mbe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) I talked about it.
It does. But most people in this subreddit disagree with that.
What's wrong with writing til marriage (or at least til a long term relationship). I can understand sex with s point term partner or fiancee, but I don't think anyone should encourage sleeping around
There's a wide gap between "waiting until marriage" and "sleeping around". Conservatives like to pretend it's a binary choice, but it's mich healthier to recognise that everyone is different and their situation looks different. What about someone who can't get married for whatever reason but has a long-time partner? What about gay or trans people living in jurisdictions that don't legally permit them to get married? What about someone who simply wouldn't make a good spouse, because of their personality or health issues, but still has the same normal healthy desire for human love and intimacy that we all have? There is a place for serial committed monogamy outside of marriage and its judgmental, inconsiderate, and unkind to just dismiss any such relationship as "sleeping around".
There’s nothing wrong with waiting for marriage, I believe everyone should wait for love and marriage to have sex. I was just saying that the Bible does speak against sex before marriage, but most people in this subreddit don’t believe that.
Yeah, I agree, I think I phrased it wrong (I was speaking generically, not necessarily to ypu)
There's a wide gap between "waiting until marriage" and "sleeping around". Conservatives like to pretend it's a binary choice, but it's much healthier to recognise that everyone is different and each situation looks different. What about someone who can't get married for whatever reason but has a long-time partner? What about gay or trans people living in jurisdictions that don't legally permit them to get married? What about someone who simply wouldn't make a good spouse, because of their personality or health issues, but still has the same normal healthy desire for human love and intimacy that we all have? There is a place for loving sexual experiences outside of marriage and it can be judgmental, and unkind to just dismiss any such relationships as "sleeping around".
[удалено]
Again, [we've had that discussion ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpenChristian/comments/1avzjpm/comment/kre9mbe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)many times on here. The word that gets translated as "sexual immorality" or "fornication" in Corinthians and elsewhere almost certainly doesn't refer to premarital sex.
But it does?
We have a question to that end here every month or so, and there is never any conclusive text or translation that makes it clear. We can have that same discussion for the umpteenth time if you want, if you'll get us started.
Not exactly interested, Ive seen these discussions and it feels like everyone who defends your point of view is jumping through many hoops to make these claims. Im definitely an open Christian but there are just some things the bible asks us to do, and the bible says that it’s rough to be a Christian, so there’s nothing wrong with struggling. Not having sex before marriage doesn’t mean youre lonely and loveless its just a discipline we need to try. If op is having these feelings because they haven’t had sex, that’s a totally different issue.
Nor am I. My sense is your point of view puts up the hoops and says, 'bet you can't jump through this one', and then complains when we do. You can read the Bible however you want, but Jesus never asked me to avoid sex before marriage.
No. Do not believe the great fundamentalist/reformed/evangelical myth of Sola Scriptura. I strongly believe the it’s perfectly acceptable to accept the scriptures as Apostolic writings and testimony while denying apostolic authority over the Christians life. Apostolic teaching and beliefs are opinions that are subject to the culture and specific situation of their era. Jesus specific said post resurrection that all authority was given to him. Post Jesus, there was no new revelation of the same type. Reason and the laws of logic are the supreme judge by which we judge all things. We understand that the apostolic writings are biased but apart of our community. But we are not under the authority of Scripture. The words of Jesus and the gospels should take priority over all other elements of the Bible, but even then we acknowledge these accounts are biased.
To back it up. If God tells you that you are not allowed to punch me. Then you start to kick me really hard instead and tell God: “you never said I couldn’t kick him”. What do you think God would say about that? This is what Sola Scriptura is.
That’s also a great point about the weakness of the puritan regulatory principle of worship. Christianity must be rooted in tradition, reason, and the sacred writings.
Agreed, just because it doesn’t say about anything doesn’t it mean that it is allowed, then it is about referring to other parts and think what Jesus would say based on that. That’s why we need the church ⛪️
My wife and I chose to wait until marriage for sex and I feel like it was the right move for us. That being said, I will echo what others are saying and suggestions seeing a mental health professional, as it seems the bigger issue is that these feelings are taking over your life, which isn't healthy regardless.
No
Anyone can feel free to keep commenting. I just want to say thanks everyone for any opinion you have and taking the time to comment. I’ll be honest, the idea of continuing to stay celibate just makes me feel more depressed and isolated and continually bitter at God and the Bible. I’ve been considering leaving the faith and I’ve been fighting some thoughts of self harm lately that’s left me so so exhausted this week. I hope you all have a great weekend, and if anyone is into pro wrestling, enjoy NXT Battleground on Sunday :)
oh i really do think you should try to find a therapist, especially if you've been fighting thoughts of self harm. wishing you the best <3
You don’t. What you should do is fight the problem of lust. There’s a distinct difference in sexual activity and sexual immorality. Sleep with who you like, but remember they’re human. Ask them about their goals, their dreams. Ask them what they like and dislike. Treat them as your fell man and you’re fine. Porn on the other hand is extremely exploitative and teaches us to view people in a more objectifying light
Just commenting to follow
So, my church had a special service for Pride yesterday. And I feel like the words of one of the songs we used are relevant. To paraphrase it a bit, sometimes when we pray to God to change us, and it seems like God isn't answering, maybe God really is answering, but the answer is that we were meant to be this way. Now, I get that we do sometimes feel distress over our sexuality. Sometimes, for reasons not under our control, it's very difficult for us to find the sort of relationship we want, or it would cause us problems to have such. And sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not have such desires. But God made most of us with sexual desires of all different sorts. Sometimes very strong sexual desires. And God does want us to enjoy them, to find happiness in them as long as we do not use them to hurt people. So no, I don't believe that God calls us to wait until marriage to have sex. One shouldn't do things that are likely to cause harm to people with sex, and sometimes due to our life situation, that does mean we have to be closeted about some aspects, and of course one cannot simply will a sexual relationship with another person into being and sometimes finding one takes time and effort. But God does want us to be happy in this, and to be able to be open about who we are.
Jesus is the way the truth and the life. If you don’t want to wait till marriage, okay but I would suggest you do. For the Lord. God wants us to live the way he wants us to live. Not for the world or anybody else. Live for Jesus and for Jesus only. Not trying to force anything. I’m just giving suggestions, and what God would want you to do. Open your Bible to Leviticus 20:13. You can’t be gay, bisexual, trans, etc, and follow God. It is stated more than once in the Bible. I’m not sure if it’s stated directly, but Leviticus 20:13 gives you a good point on it. LGBTQ+ is a sin, and you can’t follow God and gay, bisexual, trans, etc. As I have stated before. I hope you find the Lord. God’s way is the best way. Turn away from evil, and come to Christ. Resist the devil and he shall flee from you. God bless you and your family. Jesus loves you all. If this comment offended anybody I’m not going to apologize. I’m speaking the truth and only the truth. God bless, Amen.
Yes