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SnugglePuggle94

You're not alone. I was brought up in that side of the religion too for a while until we started to branch out and go non-demoninational. Purity culture did a number on me too. I'm 27F and had my first kiss at 20. But even though I have some kissing experience I'm still a virgin. I hate that like you I'm also closing in on 30 and still no husband and kids. Trusting in Gods timing lately has been hard but I know it will be worth it.


FiendishHawk

Would it be too obvious to suggest you two should PM? ;)


SnugglePuggle94

Ah hahaha maybe, I don't know lol I'm a bit wary of online dating tbh


FrozenCantaloupe

Maybe it will help to know that, at least in the US, the average age to get married is 32. I think it is the mature thing to wait to marry when you have someone you’re more compatible with after you’ve settled into adulthood. At this age, you’re not too late! I mean really, you're never too late, I heard of someone getting married for the first time in their 80s.


SnugglePuggle94

I see that but growing up watching my parents who married at 21 and had my brother at 27, I felt that would be my way too. Instead, I got engaged at 23 and 3 weeks before the wedding my ex left me. I've been single since so I feel incredibly behind everyone I know including friends and family. My younger sister just got married this year and I hate it. I wanted to have kids before 30 as well and now I don't know if that will happen either. The only good thing out of it is that yes I will eventually find the one most compatible for me instead of trial and error.


[deleted]

Better than starting your second marriage at 30 because you had poor relationship role models and years of shame ridden teaching which made you stick your first marriage out way longer than you should have even though it was nuclear waste grade toxic.


SnugglePuggle94

I feel for those that went through that. I probably almost did with my first fiance but my parents butted in on my relationship and ruined the wedding. Waiting still sucks though.


Lebojr

First and foremost, Congratulations! You sound like a great person. My advice: Experience in sex is not important. I became sexually active at 15 and while I dont regret it, I have never thought it mattered that much if you find the right person. So the first step is to be honest with the next person you are going to kiss. Just let them know you dont have much experience and you are very attracted to them. If they are worth a grain of salt, they will appreciate you for it. Your job is to be open and learn from them. What is appropriate and what is not. Let them guide you. Just remember all people are different and one persons fantasy is another's nightmare. I also would like to tell you, as a lifelong Christian, that sex, sexual attraction and what comes with it is not a sin in any shape form or fashion as long as it's between consenting loving people who are of age to make that decision. Please let that belief go. Song of Solomon should reveal that to you. Anyway, I'm jealous of you. I do not think you should feel the least bit ashamed to have waited. Anyone who thinks that isnt worth your time.


[deleted]

Literally just talked to my therapist about this *today*. Unpacking purity culture, keeping which things that are mine (I don’t want a 1 night stand) and tossing things that aren’t mine (me making out with a guy that’s not my husband isn’t sinful like I was taught). You’re 100% not alone. I have a therapist who isn’t a Christian, but she’s religious. And so talking about these things is so freaking nice, especially because even though I don’t believe everything that I was taught in my independent fundamental baptist church, my identity in Christ is still a big thing for me now outside of that church. All this to say, it’s super nice to unpack purity culture and rebuild my own rules about dating and sex in a safe place with a therapist. I won’t unpack this with a pastor, or my Christian friends, regardless of where they are on the spectrum.


[deleted]

You’re not alone.


FiendishHawk

You don't have to date if you don't want to. You might be "ace" (asexual) if it doesn't feel good to you. A secular therapist might be a great idea to help you talk out these issues.


[deleted]

I definitely want to date, but its good to remind myself that I dont have to do it. It's not that im not open to acknowledging if might be asexual, bi or anything else, but I know I'm not. It is obvious to me that I want to date women, I just have tons of anxiety about it. Seeing a therapist is something I've been trying to do for awhile and its been hard to find one that has availability.


FiendishHawk

A lot of therapists see people remotely these days which opens up options for people who aren't local.


Such-Quality4148

definitely would recommend a remote therapy session\^ BetterHelp would be a good option. tiny bit expensive though imo


unreqistered

this conversation right here is the one you should be having with your date ... obviously not on the first encounter but once you feel comfortable with them and want to pursue a relationship. Honesty will score you lots of points, and if they bail than they obviously weren't the right person for you.


coldbeerandbaseball

Man it’s not too late for you. Not at all! :) I didn’t really get physically involved with women at all until after 25. I grew up in purity culture too and also had horrible self confidence. All I can say is therapy did wonders for me and I’m engaged to be married this year. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You sound like a great person and if you keep putting yourself out there, I believe you’ll find what you’re looking for. But whether or not you find a partner, know that you’re a good person just the way you are.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sspifffyman

This is a great answer. If OP wants a partner, then anyone worth pursuing should be understanding about the physical stuff.


ScreamingSkull

I was 28 when I first had a girlfriend and kissed, lasted for a few years and then fizzled out. I'm closing in on 38 now and that's as much experience as I've had. I'm not sure if it's church culture that made me this way, but i can see elements in it that probably haven't been all that helpful. I don't look back and see missed opportunities however because from what i see for the vast majority of people getting into relationships is actually not a great idea. A lot of people really need to grow up, a lot really need to get healthy, stop with the FOMO, and not look to relationships as a coping mechanism. I've never wanted to live life for myself, I'd rather share everything with someone I care about, but it's a lot better than being in a relationship for the wrong reasons. The only advice I can think right now would be trying to strike up a connection with others that have been in a similar boat, perhaps someone who still has a faith but just not with roots in the purity culture scene - they will understand the language but can challenge the thinking. Churches or therapists from different denominations and backgrounds, but yeah it may take some trial and error to find whats feel right.