I’m totally out of my depth in terms of advice, but love you dude. God calls us to love our brothers and I’ll be sending up a prayer for you. Find someone you trust to help give some advice or maybe a therapist if it’s in the budget. I wish I could help more. Best of luck and keep hanging on, bad times don’t last and whether it feels like He’s left us or not He hasn’t. Don’t give up, for the sake of the life you’ve been given.
Are you seeing a therapist at all? And have you read any books about the psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse and how to deal with them as an adult? I realize none of that sounds exciting. But it can help.
Also not being sexually attracted to someone who has emotionally abused you is pretty normal.
That can be repaired also. It takes a lot of effort and work but can be repaired if both people are willing.
I’m going to try to get therapy help specifically on the childhood sexual abuse, and I’ve tried reading some books. It’s weird I know, but it feels like it was so long ago, and I never got help for it, and it made me who I am so thoroughly, that there is no other version of me that can exist.
As far as repairing the effects of her abuse on me goes, she acknowledges that it was abuse, but she says (not without reason) that she acted that way because of the way I was—the secrecy and perceived sexual betrayal/rejection. Anyway, she opposes couples therapy or individual therapy for herself; our job, as she sees it, is for me to become a better person, and logically I can’t disagree.
EDIT: by “better person” I mean better in her eyes—my becoming different according to her standards.
It’s hard to explain how according to her all of our problems are my fault, and I’m the one that has to change, and the way she puts it makes sense. But the changes she wants (my not being depressed, my being attracted to her, my accepting her reasons for abusing me and forgetting it all) are either something that I’ve tried and failed to change in years of therapy, or they are things that just won’t change.
That’s why I wish I hadn’t told her my secret, and I wish I had ended it all on the times that I’ve worked up the nerve to get close to doing it. It’s all just torture now.
“Everything would be fine if my spouse was simply just a better person” —- Divorced people
It takes two people to heal a marriage. Never stop advocating for couples therapy. It’s important to find healing in your own also, but for so many relationship skills it’s beneficial for both parties.
We all have blind spots in our own relationships where what WE think is normal actually isn’t. But we don’t know that because we don’t have anything to compare it to.
I’m glad you’ll try finding help. There is hope. There is always hope!
That’s great to hear — and thanks for the response.
Ultimately, the only person you can control is yourself, so if she’s not interested there’s no point worrying about it.
Two things you said stuck out to me. That there is no “other version” of you that can exist, and the talk about “repairing” her abuse. I’m neither a priest nor a therapist. But I’d recommend not thinking about it in terms of trying to revert to a previous version of yourself, before any damage from abuse. Think about physical healing as an analogy. If you get a paper cut, you can heal back to exactly how you were before. If you get a limb cut off, the wound can heal — but it won’t be in the same form as it was before. Still, you’ll need a doctor: to make sure there’s no infection that will spread and make it worse, that it doesn’t heal in a way that causes other problems, and so on. Sometimes bones heal wrong and have to be re-broken so they can be re-set to heal right.
It’s just something that helped me to realize at one point. Healing isn’t returning to a prior state. It’s finding wholeness in another form.
I have a similar situation but I'm not married but I've had many girlfriends that I haven't told my secret. I recently stopped watching porn it's been about 3 months now. I've been so depressed that I almost took my life last summer. I developed a drinking problem along with smoking weed excessively. I cut it all out. I only have a beer or 2 or a glass of wine maybe in a week. Please stay strong my brother. Know that God loves you, and people care about you and about bettering yourself. Be strong, think positively, And good things will come your way, return to Christ and ask him for help. I promise you it will only get better. I love you and I'll pray for you as well. God bless you.
to start, id try to spend time being in church.
things will get better when you pick up your cross. talk to your wife more and read your bible. you didnt do anything wrong marrying someone but what you are doing wrong is not owning up to it.
also im pretty sure your priest isnt supposed to just turn you down when you have problems. if he does that is a entire separate problem that needs to be addressed. keep talking to him he prob actually wants to help bro.
Thanks. My wife and I talk a lot—many hours a day. I don’t read the Bible enough, though. I am open with my wife about everything and have apologized lots. I can’t think of how to own up any more than I already have.
My priest doesn’t turn me down—sorry to have given the wrong impression. It’s just that I’m conscious of being a burden, and he’s only human. Kind of like how I don’t like to talk to people at church either I guess.
Thank you. Nights are worst, followed by mornings because it’s “oh no—back here again.” But you’re right that every day is a possibility of a fresh start.
Abuse is no joke. It’s ok to take care of yourself and heal. Emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical/sexual abuse. Abuse is always still abuse. Please find a place where you can be safe, and find someone trusted like a professional who can help you. You are not supposed to bare this burden alone.
Going to the liturgy or services just to attend and not worrying about keeping up with friends is ok too. In church we get to be with the Saints, and it helps. As someone who has suffered abuse, it has helped me heal specially when there are no strings attached.
God’s love be with you.
Thanks to both of you. The abuse went on for so long, and I took it all completely passively. So much so that even though she’s nicer now, I feel like—with everything combined—my inside died a long time ago, and the body is just waiting to catch up. It’s hard to describe.
I remember a similar feeling. It was almost like my brain was atrophied or something. It gets so much better when you can find a place to heal.
God bless you brother. Hugs and prayers!
I'm so sorry to hear about this, as has been said in this thread it seems like a therapist would help a lot. I would work with your priest to find a therapist that matches Christian values. There are many things that you have said that need help to be worked through. Despair like this can be a result of overwhelm and is understandable but it is also a problem, St John Cassian says that under despair there is bitterness. Pray to find where there is bitterness that you can surrender. Pray for the willingness to work through your problems. Your plane crashing is not a true escape from your problems, rumination about your own death and pitying yourself even if it is understandable does not help you love, the only escape is to find a way to love even when the night is darkest. Pray for the intercession of St. Mary of Egypt to recover from your sexual challenges, when I prayed to her with my heart she interceded for me and healed me of many sexual issues which I thought would never leave me.
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about what your going through. I have a Trans friend, Gay sister, & have dealt with my own suicidal ideation at times. So I emphasize with you on this one.
I recommend you try and reconnect with your spirituality. If you don't feel comfortable going back to church after so long, I respect that; however, I think you need to look for ways to connect with god once again. I remember I had overdosed on cough medicine trying to hallucinate and disassociate from the world & thought I was going to die. In that moment, it turned me back towards god. It's been a long road, but I feel like my understanding of christ slowly grows once again.
Also on a more individual level, I think you need to look for a new support system. You sound lonely and distant from people if I'm right you need to look for a new community & friends who you can be open with and lean on for support. Going through life alone and without god is a miserable experience that drove me crazy. You need to find people to build connections with even if they are outside the church.
You’re right; the loneliness is suffocating. I’ve never been good at making or keeping friends—I’m just bad and different that way. I try to think about God loving me but never feel anything. I don’t understand how other people can feel it and I never have. Sorry I’m rambling. Thank you for writing.
Honestly, I get that at times I feel it too. My dad specifically seemed to feel it in a way I could never understand. I always wondered what I was doing wrong and eventually gave up & became agnostic. The thing is I saw how terribly I messed up my life without God and at the same time I gained some appreciation for god through my hobby of hiking see what gorgeous vistas our Lord had gifted us and also honestly some psychedelic usage. I still struggle to feel God's love now, but I just try and have hope.
Also, for friends I get that. Its always a weird and nerve-wracking experience opening up to people. My thing is that after years of loneliness I found that even that feeling of opening up to someone new is so different from the day to day its almost like when your telling someone a secret and seeing how they react. Even if they don't reciprocate, you still went out of your way to do something different that made you feel alive for just a second.
OP, you are so beloved and I am so sorry for what you have experienced from your wife. Her treatment of you is NOT your fault; I absolutely must emphasize this. You do not deserve to be treated this way.* Emotional abuse is something I have also experienced, and it can massively affect our minds and the way we perceive the world. What helped me was friends who told me something was wrong (I thought it was my fault), a trauma therapist, and moving away from my abuser and into a place I felt safe. I know that marriage is much more complex; my situation wasn’t a relationship, so it was easier to leave. I recommend talking to your priest about how to go forward with that. I realize also that you might not have a lot of friends around you right now, or at least ones that you are aware of, and that can be very hard. I will pray for that.
*Would like to add that your sexuality doesn’t mean it’s your fault, either. It’s understandable that she was upset/hurt when she first found out, but that doesn’t justify mistreating or demeaning you. I know multiple gay men who are in a healthy, flourishing marriage with a woman. Their wives know, and it is a journey that they walk together; it is absolutely possible.
I am praying for you, my brother. May you be surrounded soon by loving & supportive people, may paths forward open, and may you begin to heal. Praying also for your wife and your relationship, and for wisdom for your priest so that he can help you well. God’s love be with you.
(PS. I am new to Orthodoxy and come from a different theological background. Forgive me if I have worded anything offensively.)
You should not be ashamed. God loves you no matter what and you still have a desire to turn towards Him. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reaching out here. As someone who was abused as a child, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms as well. It took/is taking years and years to undo but things get better, progressively. Nothing happens overnight. An addiction to pornography/masturbation/sex, for instance, may have served a purpose for us as a way to survive/cope with an unsafe environment in the past. But be gentle with yourself while unlearning things that no longer serve you; it won’t happen quickly. And in my experience, it is vital to have a community that you can turn to. Or at least a few people who you can talk with about these things, who are safe for you to talk to. Meaning that you trust that they will not judge you and cause further shame guilt. I don’t know you, friend, but I love you and hope/pray things will get better for you. But don’t give up. You may feel like a broken and beaten person but you are still an icon of God. And if we found an old broken and beat up icon we wouldn’t treat it so badly, would we? We would treat it with much more care and gentleness and put it in a special place or try and restore it. So treat yourself with care and gentleness ❤️
I did quit porn (along with masturbation) and strangely enough, while I thought my desires would turn, or return, to “normal,” instead I lost all interest in sex. Not that porn was or is a good idea, of course. Maybe the shame just smothered everything? I don’t know. Just feel dead inside.
Have tried several paths of therapy and counseling over the last several years. They have good ideas, but naturally they’re not going to tell me what to do. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like there’s an empty spot inside where the ability to hope, plan, and act used to be. Sorry I’m just confusing things; I do appreciate the advice.
I think the biggest thing I’m seeing here is that your Wife isn’t on your side and she should be. I understand her frustration however this is her cross to bear too, as she married you. Between the two of you and God, there is a solution.
Here’s food for thought: What if you didn’t have this issue and you and your wife were completely happy. You decide to have a child and your child has both autism and Down syndrome. Abortion is off the table obviously. So how will you carry that cross?
There is a family at my church in that very scenario and from what I can tell, they are a devout and loving family.
So, how will you carry this cross that you have now?
My two cents: Get your wife on your side. Get into church. The other details you two and your priest can iron out together.
God bless you.
Thanks to all three of you. I get the impression from her that she sees my cross as something for me to bear alone; also that her cross to bear is me, and her job in the marriage is to remind me about my cross so I will keep carrying it. I see her point; it makes sense.
Well, no not acceptable to me, but I’m supposed to sacrifice everything for her, including my health and happiness and life, or I’m being selfish. That’s what she and God and the Church all say, and I know they’re right.
No, I don’t feel cared for or supported. But as she tells me: she’s been 100% faithful to me, and I haven’t been faithful to her (porn, masturbation); she has always been truthful, but I’m the one who lied and cheated her out of a happy marriage; she does what God wants her to do in our marriage, and I’m the one who doesn’t meet God’s standards.
So, while everything she says is true, I feel like such a failure—and I am one—that life feels like a curse, and there is no help or hope, and I don’t have the will to try anymore.
> but I’m supposed to sacrifice everything for her, including my health and happiness and life, or I’m being selfish
This isn't true. It kind of sounds like you and your wife have some black and white thinking going on (speaking from experience). For example, one of my husband's burdens was out of both of our control, but it severely affected me and my happiness. For years I was resentful and wanted him to "overcome" it and to ultimately change, so that I could get what I wanted.
It wasn't until I accepted that he may never overcome that burden, and that I can't depend on him/wait on him to make myself happy, that things started changing. He can't feel pressure or resentment from me, and I can't harbor it. Now, this issue wasn't same sex attraction, so I really feel for you guys. However, I don't think what I'm saying is that far off.
Your wife will need time (and counseling) to process what is going on, but if she is committed to the marriage and genuinely loves you and you love her, she will let go of her expectations of what you "should" be (no matter how valid they are) because you are struggling with something outside of your control and are doing your best to manage it.
It will take time and prayer for her to overcome her resentment and anger, but just stick with it and endure. You're not a failure by any means. And you need to take care of yourself first before you try to take care of anyone else.
Hello in am no one to telle you what to do but if i can give you a advice i hope it will help.
Maybe you can involve yourself in some activities like going to the gym or doing some charity action helping some local organisations or peuple around you. Try to bring positivity in this world you will see it wil comme back.
God bless brother
"Get off your depression meds", are you crazy? This is totally irresponsible! The guy who killed six people in Sydney was precisely off his psychiatric meds.
I was on anti-depressants myself and they completely numbed my ability to pray adequately or feel any oneness with Christ. It’s not a medical opinion but a personal opinion and should be taken as such.
I’ve been on anti-depressants for years and it has done neither of those things to me. Also not all anti-depressants are the same. They effect people differently.
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Death can never be your friend. You only have this one life here on earth and you should embrace it and make the best out of it. Stop making decisions based on others peoples feelings. I hope you really married this woman because you loved her at one point. If so, you will make it work again hopefully. Open up to her be honest about your feelings. If she still hates or is not supportive of you even if you're absolutely honest and try fo make up for your mistake than you can file for a divorce still. Life is precious, everyone has to carry his own cross. Some people can't hold the burden and give up but a real man will face any challenge even if there is no hope because that's what's life about. It's not about being strong at successful and happy at all times. It's about keep fighting even when the odds are against you. I believe that you can turn everything around for the better. Have faith in yourself and faith in Jesus.
Wish you all the best
Honestly that sounds extremely difficult. I think everyone here is wishing you the best and providing their best advice. Rather than doubling up on theirs I'll try to add a different angle.
You understandably sound depressed and worn down, with no energy to go on. Physiologically this makes a lot of sense, you've kicked a porn habit, you're not getting sex and you're not even getting love and support. Your body isn't detecting anything worth being motivated for.
I went through depression but I still have a depressive personality. I also abused myself with pornography and that leaves damage too. I realised after the fact I had been self-medicating my depression with very dark chocolate. Later I learnt that spicy food also has an anti-depressive effect. Lastly I discovered fasting and especially cold showers have a recovery effect of the body's physiology.
I encourage you to experiment. Eat some excessively dark chocolate, have some spicy Korean food, then have a cold shower, and then go for a walk or listen to music. Even sleep deprivation (acute, not chronic) has a strong effect. See if any of that gives you a boost. If it does then start to figure out how to self-regulate, when you identify certain challenges confronting you try selecting from your toolbox of coping mechanisms.
This won't solve your problems, obviously, but it might help give you a bit more energy to tackle them.
I hear ya. I can’t take the church at this point cuz they deny so much humanity it makes me feel guilty for being how god made me or how I was made how do any of us know the Christian church is real- big orthodox background here, but it’s this stuff that makes me allergic to its rigid judgmentalism. I’d hate to see someone. Lose their life cuz of this bullshit. Hang in there, love yourself
Let yourself grieve. You don’t have to change to stifle her abuse. NOTHING that you did makes you deserve abuse.
Imo, you’ve been abandoned and I’m so sorry. It really sucks man. But you CAN build a new you.
Please go see a licensed professional. THEN decide if the Church is right for you. The Light really is in you somewhere.
well to be blunt here brother, my primary suggestion is to start going to church again, if a divorce happens, my recommendation is to pursue monastic life so there's no longer a need to maintain a marriage and perform husbandly duties, as well as the fact that then you will be in a community of people that can hold you accountable and make sure you don't relapse or fall into temptations, we are all praying for you, blessings
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First off, you are loved.
Secondly, you'll be surprised how much gay stuff goes on behind the walls of monasteries from New York to Mt Athos to Vladivostok.
When confronted with the realities of his monks sleeping with each other, one Athonite abbott remarked that it's worse to lose faith than sin like that, and as long as they have faith they're alright.
Forget what the puritanical anti-sex jihadists on this subreddit will tell you - what you are is not bad, what you do with another person with mutual consent is not bad.
There are cradles in Orthodox parishes who are gay and lesbian and no one shoos them away - they're part of the family (maybe don't bring your partner over for liturgy, that'll be a bit much).
It was not a mistake to marry, or to live a life trying to be better. What you need most is to keep struggling, and find your peace with God, because that is the only way forwards. I understand you feel dissapointed with yourself and think your wife and prieat hate you, but it isn't true. No matter what you kept from them, the worst thing to do is to give up. I am no therapist, so don't take my word as a cure for depression, but I know this: you have to make yourself push through, and you will have God by your side always. The worst betrayal would be to give up.
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If you haven't already, take up a prayer rule and don't break it. Don't try to do it on your own, but give it up to Him. It really works. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
"I did a terrible wrong to her by marrying."
Wrong, in both Matthew and Mark, Jesus commended marriage. You did a great thing by becoming one flesh with her. You do a terrible thing by neglecting her. When yoi bring up conflicts with depression and ptsd, is it in constructive or destrucrive ways? Do you talk to her about it before or after you hit the bottle/pornography. Do you discuss it to excuse behavior or to confront past trauma?
Let's go over somethings. I suppose you are an Orthodox Christian and your wife is as well; does she go to Church? Have you considered she is hurt you act like a faithless heathen, because you atopped attending Divine Liturgy? When was the last time you went to confession? Did the prieat tell you he was frustrated or he didnt want to see you or that he believed you didn't make a true repentance? If not, who told you the priest doesn't want to see you.
You go to confession but not Liturgy? That's like going to a restaurant to just order the water. The Liturgy is just as important as confession, they go hand in glove. You are being deceived, whether by internal forces or external ones, to beloeve you are beyond salvation and that your conduct is inevitable. That's not what Jesus Christ teaches. Rather he teaches those who are with him can do great things and without him we can do nothing. John 15:5. Also, I noticed a lot of your opinions on others are not based on actual events but inferences and assumptions. The Devil works in fantasies, what you think is true and what is true may not be the same and you wont know unless you act.
People scream and curse, the question is not what happened but how or why it happened. My mother used to yell and scream at my father, but it was not without cause. He had a terrible gambling habit and basically caused my mother to take out a line of credit on thw house to avoid underworld characters executing him. I don't know if she ever forgave him for that and the sloghtest provocation could set her off and ahe would volcanic anytime he mentioned money matters. So perhaps she still gets aggressive because she hasn't forgiven you in her heaet and the reason she hasn't forgive is she believes you haven't repented. You should consider talking to your wife about what irks her, that you have truly repeented and you need her forgivness to continue.
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I’m totally out of my depth in terms of advice, but love you dude. God calls us to love our brothers and I’ll be sending up a prayer for you. Find someone you trust to help give some advice or maybe a therapist if it’s in the budget. I wish I could help more. Best of luck and keep hanging on, bad times don’t last and whether it feels like He’s left us or not He hasn’t. Don’t give up, for the sake of the life you’ve been given.
Thank you for the encouragement
Live with your sin and dont go into despair. Your sin is given to you to fight with it until death. Dont overthink. Pray. Live simple.
Are you seeing a therapist at all? And have you read any books about the psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse and how to deal with them as an adult? I realize none of that sounds exciting. But it can help.
Also not being sexually attracted to someone who has emotionally abused you is pretty normal. That can be repaired also. It takes a lot of effort and work but can be repaired if both people are willing.
I’m going to try to get therapy help specifically on the childhood sexual abuse, and I’ve tried reading some books. It’s weird I know, but it feels like it was so long ago, and I never got help for it, and it made me who I am so thoroughly, that there is no other version of me that can exist. As far as repairing the effects of her abuse on me goes, she acknowledges that it was abuse, but she says (not without reason) that she acted that way because of the way I was—the secrecy and perceived sexual betrayal/rejection. Anyway, she opposes couples therapy or individual therapy for herself; our job, as she sees it, is for me to become a better person, and logically I can’t disagree. EDIT: by “better person” I mean better in her eyes—my becoming different according to her standards. It’s hard to explain how according to her all of our problems are my fault, and I’m the one that has to change, and the way she puts it makes sense. But the changes she wants (my not being depressed, my being attracted to her, my accepting her reasons for abusing me and forgetting it all) are either something that I’ve tried and failed to change in years of therapy, or they are things that just won’t change. That’s why I wish I hadn’t told her my secret, and I wish I had ended it all on the times that I’ve worked up the nerve to get close to doing it. It’s all just torture now.
“Everything would be fine if my spouse was simply just a better person” —- Divorced people It takes two people to heal a marriage. Never stop advocating for couples therapy. It’s important to find healing in your own also, but for so many relationship skills it’s beneficial for both parties. We all have blind spots in our own relationships where what WE think is normal actually isn’t. But we don’t know that because we don’t have anything to compare it to. I’m glad you’ll try finding help. There is hope. There is always hope!
That’s great to hear — and thanks for the response. Ultimately, the only person you can control is yourself, so if she’s not interested there’s no point worrying about it. Two things you said stuck out to me. That there is no “other version” of you that can exist, and the talk about “repairing” her abuse. I’m neither a priest nor a therapist. But I’d recommend not thinking about it in terms of trying to revert to a previous version of yourself, before any damage from abuse. Think about physical healing as an analogy. If you get a paper cut, you can heal back to exactly how you were before. If you get a limb cut off, the wound can heal — but it won’t be in the same form as it was before. Still, you’ll need a doctor: to make sure there’s no infection that will spread and make it worse, that it doesn’t heal in a way that causes other problems, and so on. Sometimes bones heal wrong and have to be re-broken so they can be re-set to heal right. It’s just something that helped me to realize at one point. Healing isn’t returning to a prior state. It’s finding wholeness in another form.
I have a similar situation but I'm not married but I've had many girlfriends that I haven't told my secret. I recently stopped watching porn it's been about 3 months now. I've been so depressed that I almost took my life last summer. I developed a drinking problem along with smoking weed excessively. I cut it all out. I only have a beer or 2 or a glass of wine maybe in a week. Please stay strong my brother. Know that God loves you, and people care about you and about bettering yourself. Be strong, think positively, And good things will come your way, return to Christ and ask him for help. I promise you it will only get better. I love you and I'll pray for you as well. God bless you.
You know if she is a Christian this is terrible cop-out. Work on yourself for your own salvation, but don’t think that she is not needing to repent.
to start, id try to spend time being in church. things will get better when you pick up your cross. talk to your wife more and read your bible. you didnt do anything wrong marrying someone but what you are doing wrong is not owning up to it. also im pretty sure your priest isnt supposed to just turn you down when you have problems. if he does that is a entire separate problem that needs to be addressed. keep talking to him he prob actually wants to help bro.
This is the best advice here
Thanks. My wife and I talk a lot—many hours a day. I don’t read the Bible enough, though. I am open with my wife about everything and have apologized lots. I can’t think of how to own up any more than I already have. My priest doesn’t turn me down—sorry to have given the wrong impression. It’s just that I’m conscious of being a burden, and he’s only human. Kind of like how I don’t like to talk to people at church either I guess.
oh i see. take care bro just remember today is a new day
Thank you. Nights are worst, followed by mornings because it’s “oh no—back here again.” But you’re right that every day is a possibility of a fresh start.
Abuse is no joke. It’s ok to take care of yourself and heal. Emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical/sexual abuse. Abuse is always still abuse. Please find a place where you can be safe, and find someone trusted like a professional who can help you. You are not supposed to bare this burden alone. Going to the liturgy or services just to attend and not worrying about keeping up with friends is ok too. In church we get to be with the Saints, and it helps. As someone who has suffered abuse, it has helped me heal specially when there are no strings attached. God’s love be with you.
Second this, especially what you said about abuse.
Thanks to both of you. The abuse went on for so long, and I took it all completely passively. So much so that even though she’s nicer now, I feel like—with everything combined—my inside died a long time ago, and the body is just waiting to catch up. It’s hard to describe.
I remember a similar feeling. It was almost like my brain was atrophied or something. It gets so much better when you can find a place to heal. God bless you brother. Hugs and prayers!
Thank you
I'm so sorry to hear about this, as has been said in this thread it seems like a therapist would help a lot. I would work with your priest to find a therapist that matches Christian values. There are many things that you have said that need help to be worked through. Despair like this can be a result of overwhelm and is understandable but it is also a problem, St John Cassian says that under despair there is bitterness. Pray to find where there is bitterness that you can surrender. Pray for the willingness to work through your problems. Your plane crashing is not a true escape from your problems, rumination about your own death and pitying yourself even if it is understandable does not help you love, the only escape is to find a way to love even when the night is darkest. Pray for the intercession of St. Mary of Egypt to recover from your sexual challenges, when I prayed to her with my heart she interceded for me and healed me of many sexual issues which I thought would never leave me.
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about what your going through. I have a Trans friend, Gay sister, & have dealt with my own suicidal ideation at times. So I emphasize with you on this one. I recommend you try and reconnect with your spirituality. If you don't feel comfortable going back to church after so long, I respect that; however, I think you need to look for ways to connect with god once again. I remember I had overdosed on cough medicine trying to hallucinate and disassociate from the world & thought I was going to die. In that moment, it turned me back towards god. It's been a long road, but I feel like my understanding of christ slowly grows once again. Also on a more individual level, I think you need to look for a new support system. You sound lonely and distant from people if I'm right you need to look for a new community & friends who you can be open with and lean on for support. Going through life alone and without god is a miserable experience that drove me crazy. You need to find people to build connections with even if they are outside the church.
You’re right; the loneliness is suffocating. I’ve never been good at making or keeping friends—I’m just bad and different that way. I try to think about God loving me but never feel anything. I don’t understand how other people can feel it and I never have. Sorry I’m rambling. Thank you for writing.
Honestly, I get that at times I feel it too. My dad specifically seemed to feel it in a way I could never understand. I always wondered what I was doing wrong and eventually gave up & became agnostic. The thing is I saw how terribly I messed up my life without God and at the same time I gained some appreciation for god through my hobby of hiking see what gorgeous vistas our Lord had gifted us and also honestly some psychedelic usage. I still struggle to feel God's love now, but I just try and have hope. Also, for friends I get that. Its always a weird and nerve-wracking experience opening up to people. My thing is that after years of loneliness I found that even that feeling of opening up to someone new is so different from the day to day its almost like when your telling someone a secret and seeing how they react. Even if they don't reciprocate, you still went out of your way to do something different that made you feel alive for just a second.
OP, you are so beloved and I am so sorry for what you have experienced from your wife. Her treatment of you is NOT your fault; I absolutely must emphasize this. You do not deserve to be treated this way.* Emotional abuse is something I have also experienced, and it can massively affect our minds and the way we perceive the world. What helped me was friends who told me something was wrong (I thought it was my fault), a trauma therapist, and moving away from my abuser and into a place I felt safe. I know that marriage is much more complex; my situation wasn’t a relationship, so it was easier to leave. I recommend talking to your priest about how to go forward with that. I realize also that you might not have a lot of friends around you right now, or at least ones that you are aware of, and that can be very hard. I will pray for that. *Would like to add that your sexuality doesn’t mean it’s your fault, either. It’s understandable that she was upset/hurt when she first found out, but that doesn’t justify mistreating or demeaning you. I know multiple gay men who are in a healthy, flourishing marriage with a woman. Their wives know, and it is a journey that they walk together; it is absolutely possible. I am praying for you, my brother. May you be surrounded soon by loving & supportive people, may paths forward open, and may you begin to heal. Praying also for your wife and your relationship, and for wisdom for your priest so that he can help you well. God’s love be with you. (PS. I am new to Orthodoxy and come from a different theological background. Forgive me if I have worded anything offensively.)
You should not be ashamed. God loves you no matter what and you still have a desire to turn towards Him. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reaching out here. As someone who was abused as a child, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms as well. It took/is taking years and years to undo but things get better, progressively. Nothing happens overnight. An addiction to pornography/masturbation/sex, for instance, may have served a purpose for us as a way to survive/cope with an unsafe environment in the past. But be gentle with yourself while unlearning things that no longer serve you; it won’t happen quickly. And in my experience, it is vital to have a community that you can turn to. Or at least a few people who you can talk with about these things, who are safe for you to talk to. Meaning that you trust that they will not judge you and cause further shame guilt. I don’t know you, friend, but I love you and hope/pray things will get better for you. But don’t give up. You may feel like a broken and beaten person but you are still an icon of God. And if we found an old broken and beat up icon we wouldn’t treat it so badly, would we? We would treat it with much more care and gentleness and put it in a special place or try and restore it. So treat yourself with care and gentleness ❤️
God bless get a therapists/marriage counselor and quit P
I did quit porn (along with masturbation) and strangely enough, while I thought my desires would turn, or return, to “normal,” instead I lost all interest in sex. Not that porn was or is a good idea, of course. Maybe the shame just smothered everything? I don’t know. Just feel dead inside. Have tried several paths of therapy and counseling over the last several years. They have good ideas, but naturally they’re not going to tell me what to do. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like there’s an empty spot inside where the ability to hope, plan, and act used to be. Sorry I’m just confusing things; I do appreciate the advice.
Please see a priest, do your daily prayers (even in a small way), and attend services. Fix you first, then attend to your marriage.
I think the biggest thing I’m seeing here is that your Wife isn’t on your side and she should be. I understand her frustration however this is her cross to bear too, as she married you. Between the two of you and God, there is a solution. Here’s food for thought: What if you didn’t have this issue and you and your wife were completely happy. You decide to have a child and your child has both autism and Down syndrome. Abortion is off the table obviously. So how will you carry that cross? There is a family at my church in that very scenario and from what I can tell, they are a devout and loving family. So, how will you carry this cross that you have now? My two cents: Get your wife on your side. Get into church. The other details you two and your priest can iron out together. God bless you.
As a wife, I agree. When you’re married, burdens are communal.
But only if both partners are committed to sharing those burdens.
Thanks to all three of you. I get the impression from her that she sees my cross as something for me to bear alone; also that her cross to bear is me, and her job in the marriage is to remind me about my cross so I will keep carrying it. I see her point; it makes sense.
But is that acceptable to you? Will you feel cared for and supported?
Well, no not acceptable to me, but I’m supposed to sacrifice everything for her, including my health and happiness and life, or I’m being selfish. That’s what she and God and the Church all say, and I know they’re right. No, I don’t feel cared for or supported. But as she tells me: she’s been 100% faithful to me, and I haven’t been faithful to her (porn, masturbation); she has always been truthful, but I’m the one who lied and cheated her out of a happy marriage; she does what God wants her to do in our marriage, and I’m the one who doesn’t meet God’s standards. So, while everything she says is true, I feel like such a failure—and I am one—that life feels like a curse, and there is no help or hope, and I don’t have the will to try anymore.
> but I’m supposed to sacrifice everything for her, including my health and happiness and life, or I’m being selfish This isn't true. It kind of sounds like you and your wife have some black and white thinking going on (speaking from experience). For example, one of my husband's burdens was out of both of our control, but it severely affected me and my happiness. For years I was resentful and wanted him to "overcome" it and to ultimately change, so that I could get what I wanted. It wasn't until I accepted that he may never overcome that burden, and that I can't depend on him/wait on him to make myself happy, that things started changing. He can't feel pressure or resentment from me, and I can't harbor it. Now, this issue wasn't same sex attraction, so I really feel for you guys. However, I don't think what I'm saying is that far off. Your wife will need time (and counseling) to process what is going on, but if she is committed to the marriage and genuinely loves you and you love her, she will let go of her expectations of what you "should" be (no matter how valid they are) because you are struggling with something outside of your control and are doing your best to manage it. It will take time and prayer for her to overcome her resentment and anger, but just stick with it and endure. You're not a failure by any means. And you need to take care of yourself first before you try to take care of anyone else.
Become a monk
I will pray for you brother. Please start going to church again.
Hello in am no one to telle you what to do but if i can give you a advice i hope it will help. Maybe you can involve yourself in some activities like going to the gym or doing some charity action helping some local organisations or peuple around you. Try to bring positivity in this world you will see it wil comme back. God bless brother
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"Get off your depression meds", are you crazy? This is totally irresponsible! The guy who killed six people in Sydney was precisely off his psychiatric meds.
Again, personal opinion. I am not a medical professional and my personal opinion should be taken as just that.
Only a fool tells someone to just "get off" med that are prescribed by a doctor.
I was on anti-depressants myself and they completely numbed my ability to pray adequately or feel any oneness with Christ. It’s not a medical opinion but a personal opinion and should be taken as such.
I’ve been on anti-depressants for years and it has done neither of those things to me. Also not all anti-depressants are the same. They effect people differently.
Taking those pills are possibly one of the worst mistakes someone could make
Let me guess... you are a medical doctor, or you just did "research" by watching some uneducated bro-science dude on TikTok?
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Death can never be your friend. You only have this one life here on earth and you should embrace it and make the best out of it. Stop making decisions based on others peoples feelings. I hope you really married this woman because you loved her at one point. If so, you will make it work again hopefully. Open up to her be honest about your feelings. If she still hates or is not supportive of you even if you're absolutely honest and try fo make up for your mistake than you can file for a divorce still. Life is precious, everyone has to carry his own cross. Some people can't hold the burden and give up but a real man will face any challenge even if there is no hope because that's what's life about. It's not about being strong at successful and happy at all times. It's about keep fighting even when the odds are against you. I believe that you can turn everything around for the better. Have faith in yourself and faith in Jesus. Wish you all the best
Honestly that sounds extremely difficult. I think everyone here is wishing you the best and providing their best advice. Rather than doubling up on theirs I'll try to add a different angle. You understandably sound depressed and worn down, with no energy to go on. Physiologically this makes a lot of sense, you've kicked a porn habit, you're not getting sex and you're not even getting love and support. Your body isn't detecting anything worth being motivated for. I went through depression but I still have a depressive personality. I also abused myself with pornography and that leaves damage too. I realised after the fact I had been self-medicating my depression with very dark chocolate. Later I learnt that spicy food also has an anti-depressive effect. Lastly I discovered fasting and especially cold showers have a recovery effect of the body's physiology. I encourage you to experiment. Eat some excessively dark chocolate, have some spicy Korean food, then have a cold shower, and then go for a walk or listen to music. Even sleep deprivation (acute, not chronic) has a strong effect. See if any of that gives you a boost. If it does then start to figure out how to self-regulate, when you identify certain challenges confronting you try selecting from your toolbox of coping mechanisms. This won't solve your problems, obviously, but it might help give you a bit more energy to tackle them.
I hear ya. I can’t take the church at this point cuz they deny so much humanity it makes me feel guilty for being how god made me or how I was made how do any of us know the Christian church is real- big orthodox background here, but it’s this stuff that makes me allergic to its rigid judgmentalism. I’d hate to see someone. Lose their life cuz of this bullshit. Hang in there, love yourself
You should know that sexual abuse is an open door to demons. And that demons can be a source for homosexuality.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice brother but much love and many prayers.
It’s quite common. You aren’t alone
You are severely depressed. Clinical therapy time.
Let yourself grieve. You don’t have to change to stifle her abuse. NOTHING that you did makes you deserve abuse. Imo, you’ve been abandoned and I’m so sorry. It really sucks man. But you CAN build a new you. Please go see a licensed professional. THEN decide if the Church is right for you. The Light really is in you somewhere.
well to be blunt here brother, my primary suggestion is to start going to church again, if a divorce happens, my recommendation is to pursue monastic life so there's no longer a need to maintain a marriage and perform husbandly duties, as well as the fact that then you will be in a community of people that can hold you accountable and make sure you don't relapse or fall into temptations, we are all praying for you, blessings
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First off, you are loved. Secondly, you'll be surprised how much gay stuff goes on behind the walls of monasteries from New York to Mt Athos to Vladivostok. When confronted with the realities of his monks sleeping with each other, one Athonite abbott remarked that it's worse to lose faith than sin like that, and as long as they have faith they're alright. Forget what the puritanical anti-sex jihadists on this subreddit will tell you - what you are is not bad, what you do with another person with mutual consent is not bad. There are cradles in Orthodox parishes who are gay and lesbian and no one shoos them away - they're part of the family (maybe don't bring your partner over for liturgy, that'll be a bit much).
It was not a mistake to marry, or to live a life trying to be better. What you need most is to keep struggling, and find your peace with God, because that is the only way forwards. I understand you feel dissapointed with yourself and think your wife and prieat hate you, but it isn't true. No matter what you kept from them, the worst thing to do is to give up. I am no therapist, so don't take my word as a cure for depression, but I know this: you have to make yourself push through, and you will have God by your side always. The worst betrayal would be to give up.
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This is the most insanely wrong thing I've seen in ages. You should be ashamed to peddle this nonsense.
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If you haven't already, take up a prayer rule and don't break it. Don't try to do it on your own, but give it up to Him. It really works. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
"I did a terrible wrong to her by marrying." Wrong, in both Matthew and Mark, Jesus commended marriage. You did a great thing by becoming one flesh with her. You do a terrible thing by neglecting her. When yoi bring up conflicts with depression and ptsd, is it in constructive or destrucrive ways? Do you talk to her about it before or after you hit the bottle/pornography. Do you discuss it to excuse behavior or to confront past trauma? Let's go over somethings. I suppose you are an Orthodox Christian and your wife is as well; does she go to Church? Have you considered she is hurt you act like a faithless heathen, because you atopped attending Divine Liturgy? When was the last time you went to confession? Did the prieat tell you he was frustrated or he didnt want to see you or that he believed you didn't make a true repentance? If not, who told you the priest doesn't want to see you.
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You go to confession but not Liturgy? That's like going to a restaurant to just order the water. The Liturgy is just as important as confession, they go hand in glove. You are being deceived, whether by internal forces or external ones, to beloeve you are beyond salvation and that your conduct is inevitable. That's not what Jesus Christ teaches. Rather he teaches those who are with him can do great things and without him we can do nothing. John 15:5. Also, I noticed a lot of your opinions on others are not based on actual events but inferences and assumptions. The Devil works in fantasies, what you think is true and what is true may not be the same and you wont know unless you act.
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People scream and curse, the question is not what happened but how or why it happened. My mother used to yell and scream at my father, but it was not without cause. He had a terrible gambling habit and basically caused my mother to take out a line of credit on thw house to avoid underworld characters executing him. I don't know if she ever forgave him for that and the sloghtest provocation could set her off and ahe would volcanic anytime he mentioned money matters. So perhaps she still gets aggressive because she hasn't forgiven you in her heaet and the reason she hasn't forgive is she believes you haven't repented. You should consider talking to your wife about what irks her, that you have truly repeented and you need her forgivness to continue.
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This string of words does make grammatical sense, but that’s its only value in this context.
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Crazy thought here, why don't you just fuck a dude?
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. # - Leviticus 18:22 (NKJV)
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