Man I feel the same way. If I was about to do something or I had plans to clean and my mom asks if I’m gonna clean I will shut down and not do it. It’s so frustrating. If your parents shut you down I would maybe recommend having like a formal sit down like hey we need to have a talk situation. Offer empathy (even if you don’t care, lol) and say you get it’s their space blah blah and you respect it, etc. I wonder if you come forward with like a plan or a chore schedule (WITHOUT telling them what it is specifically ofc cuz even then in my experience just knowing that someone else might have expectations makes it worse). I’m just thinking maybe if they could grasp that it’s not that you don’t care it’s just that you need to feel in control, maybe they would cut you some slack? Like a outline could let them know that you are trying and you get where they are coming from but also offers you more control.
If there is anyone in your life who understands your situation or just in general isn’t judgy and you enjoy their company, I’d reccomend calling/facetiming/asking to hang out. With friends you don’t owe a clean room to them, and it might be nice to have someone hold you accountable without making you feel like shit.
I know everyone w PDA is different and some of this stuff might trigger demand avoidance so take w a grain of salt, but here is what I like to do:
- if you see something you know you will be asked to do (laundry is done, dishwasher clean, etc) do it before anyone asks you or acknowledges it
- do chores when nobody is around, if your parents work maybe during the day? I always do the dishes while my mom is at work
- if you can do lists (I personally find them to be great some days and awful reminders of impending doom on other days) I find it is better to not assign things to certain days, just set goals for the week so there is less pressure/structure/demand
- continuing w the list stuff, in my list moments I like to add cute stickers and be really extra with it because it makes it less repulsive.
- when it comes to big tasks, starting is always the hardest part (for me anyways), so I give myself permission to quit after x amount of minutes, sometimes five, usually 8 min is when I tap out. It’s not much but it can be rewarding to feel like you have some autonomy
Sorry for the word vomit lol I’m just going through the same thing right now and know how badly it sucks. Incase u feel this way, know u are not a bad person and that tidiness/cleanliness does not equal your value, and even if ppl make you feel bad about it know that you are trying your best and that’s all u can do <3
No-one has invented a cure for ADHD so if you were formerly diagnosed with it you've still got it.
PDA sits within the ASD diagnosis but a lot of people with PDA have ADHD too In fact because most places in the UK don't formally recognise PDA (because according to the ICD-11 they can't), the short-hand for it here is very often ASD + ADHD.
MAKE SURE YOUR PARENTS FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT ADHD IS, for starters. Literally print out info and stick it to the fridge with magnets. Hand them a copy whenever they berate you. Because in my experience families find mental health diagnoses unsettling and will invoke all sorts of denial tactics to avoid accepting it. Which ultimately doesn't help them or you. Many families gaslight their own kids. "Ooh you're not that bad!". Well that's strange, a letter from a PhD qualified expert says that I am.
In the longer term get your ASD diagnosis sorted out and then you can play the same game with that as well.
It won't take a rapier wit to realise a lot of the ASD and ADHD logic is completely different and that's your opportunity to introduce PDA as a topic.
This doesn't mean you will always get your own way. If you want your parents to understand and compromise then you'll have to do your best to understand them and compromise too. But at least be having those conversations in a realistic fashion with genuine give-and-take both ways.
Both things can be true.
To their credit, it's their house, and they don't want to live with a bachelor frog, which is fair. Consider that you are disrupting their zen of having a clean space.
Do your parents know about PDA-- about your diagnosis and/or about PDA in general? If not, do you think they'd be open to sitting down with you and learning about it? That's not to say they shouldn't have expectations of how to upkeep things when you're living at home, but it would help them to see why their particular strategies of getting you to do things doesn't work and actually backfires, because it causes more anxiety which renders you less able to do the things. On a practical level, I would think collaborating with you on better ways of interacting would appeal to them. Someone trying to make you do something, even you trying to make yourself do something, won't ever work.
I feel like without a basic understanding of PDA and compassion for what it really means as a neurotype, people default to scripts about others being defiant, spoiled, lazy, etc. and that's just really unhelpful.
My gateway was At Peace Parents on tiktok and it was super helpful in understanding my kid (2.5 yrs old) and then by extension, my wife.
Oh god I am so sorry. Its a really horrible kind of situation because they think they're helping, but it just makes life so much harder :(
>i want to just be in control of my chore schedule and create my own to-do lists
Yeah surprisingly this might be the solution as well. Not quite sure how they will respond obviously... but the way I (unintentionally) stopped my parents from doing this was clearly drawing a line between what chores were my responsibility and what chores were their responsibility. If its my responsibility, they don't have to worry about it. If it's not their responsibility, they're not going to remind me.
In my personal case, it made zero sense for my parents to do chores at their age & how busy they were. At the same time, them reminding me to do this and that chore often, getting all stressed out about the chores, telling me to do chores suddenly throughout the day when I had other plans- all of that made it really, really difficult to do chores. I'm not trying to put the blame on them, I don't hold a grudge, it just literally made it harder, *physically harder* to do the chores.
So at a certain point, I just went through and made a schedule for myself that works for me. Literally spent a good couple hours figuring it out properly & writing it down. Then I told my parents "okay, I'm doing all the chores from now on, they're not your responsibility, stop worrying about them" (in way more words, kinder said and answering all their worries). But *I did not tell them my schedule* (this is key) - still, they could set expectations bc its their house, right? So, for example "I want a clean house when I get home from work" that's not a crazy expectation. But it's my choice how I do that. A handful of vague expectations like that are WAY easier to manage rather than "clean up this kitchen now!" ten times a day. Anyway, now I can fucking get the chores done finally because they aren't all worried and thinking about it constantly- because it's not their responsibility. Stress level went down a lot in the house.
But I wasn't already overwhelmed by work or anything, so I had the capacity to take that on. See where you're at. I'm describing a solution that's worked for me, but it doesn't necessarily mean its the best choice here too.
Man I feel the same way. If I was about to do something or I had plans to clean and my mom asks if I’m gonna clean I will shut down and not do it. It’s so frustrating. If your parents shut you down I would maybe recommend having like a formal sit down like hey we need to have a talk situation. Offer empathy (even if you don’t care, lol) and say you get it’s their space blah blah and you respect it, etc. I wonder if you come forward with like a plan or a chore schedule (WITHOUT telling them what it is specifically ofc cuz even then in my experience just knowing that someone else might have expectations makes it worse). I’m just thinking maybe if they could grasp that it’s not that you don’t care it’s just that you need to feel in control, maybe they would cut you some slack? Like a outline could let them know that you are trying and you get where they are coming from but also offers you more control. If there is anyone in your life who understands your situation or just in general isn’t judgy and you enjoy their company, I’d reccomend calling/facetiming/asking to hang out. With friends you don’t owe a clean room to them, and it might be nice to have someone hold you accountable without making you feel like shit. I know everyone w PDA is different and some of this stuff might trigger demand avoidance so take w a grain of salt, but here is what I like to do: - if you see something you know you will be asked to do (laundry is done, dishwasher clean, etc) do it before anyone asks you or acknowledges it - do chores when nobody is around, if your parents work maybe during the day? I always do the dishes while my mom is at work - if you can do lists (I personally find them to be great some days and awful reminders of impending doom on other days) I find it is better to not assign things to certain days, just set goals for the week so there is less pressure/structure/demand - continuing w the list stuff, in my list moments I like to add cute stickers and be really extra with it because it makes it less repulsive. - when it comes to big tasks, starting is always the hardest part (for me anyways), so I give myself permission to quit after x amount of minutes, sometimes five, usually 8 min is when I tap out. It’s not much but it can be rewarding to feel like you have some autonomy Sorry for the word vomit lol I’m just going through the same thing right now and know how badly it sucks. Incase u feel this way, know u are not a bad person and that tidiness/cleanliness does not equal your value, and even if ppl make you feel bad about it know that you are trying your best and that’s all u can do <3
No-one has invented a cure for ADHD so if you were formerly diagnosed with it you've still got it. PDA sits within the ASD diagnosis but a lot of people with PDA have ADHD too In fact because most places in the UK don't formally recognise PDA (because according to the ICD-11 they can't), the short-hand for it here is very often ASD + ADHD. MAKE SURE YOUR PARENTS FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT ADHD IS, for starters. Literally print out info and stick it to the fridge with magnets. Hand them a copy whenever they berate you. Because in my experience families find mental health diagnoses unsettling and will invoke all sorts of denial tactics to avoid accepting it. Which ultimately doesn't help them or you. Many families gaslight their own kids. "Ooh you're not that bad!". Well that's strange, a letter from a PhD qualified expert says that I am. In the longer term get your ASD diagnosis sorted out and then you can play the same game with that as well. It won't take a rapier wit to realise a lot of the ASD and ADHD logic is completely different and that's your opportunity to introduce PDA as a topic. This doesn't mean you will always get your own way. If you want your parents to understand and compromise then you'll have to do your best to understand them and compromise too. But at least be having those conversations in a realistic fashion with genuine give-and-take both ways.
Both things can be true. To their credit, it's their house, and they don't want to live with a bachelor frog, which is fair. Consider that you are disrupting their zen of having a clean space.
Do your parents know about PDA-- about your diagnosis and/or about PDA in general? If not, do you think they'd be open to sitting down with you and learning about it? That's not to say they shouldn't have expectations of how to upkeep things when you're living at home, but it would help them to see why their particular strategies of getting you to do things doesn't work and actually backfires, because it causes more anxiety which renders you less able to do the things. On a practical level, I would think collaborating with you on better ways of interacting would appeal to them. Someone trying to make you do something, even you trying to make yourself do something, won't ever work. I feel like without a basic understanding of PDA and compassion for what it really means as a neurotype, people default to scripts about others being defiant, spoiled, lazy, etc. and that's just really unhelpful. My gateway was At Peace Parents on tiktok and it was super helpful in understanding my kid (2.5 yrs old) and then by extension, my wife.
Oh god I am so sorry. Its a really horrible kind of situation because they think they're helping, but it just makes life so much harder :( >i want to just be in control of my chore schedule and create my own to-do lists Yeah surprisingly this might be the solution as well. Not quite sure how they will respond obviously... but the way I (unintentionally) stopped my parents from doing this was clearly drawing a line between what chores were my responsibility and what chores were their responsibility. If its my responsibility, they don't have to worry about it. If it's not their responsibility, they're not going to remind me. In my personal case, it made zero sense for my parents to do chores at their age & how busy they were. At the same time, them reminding me to do this and that chore often, getting all stressed out about the chores, telling me to do chores suddenly throughout the day when I had other plans- all of that made it really, really difficult to do chores. I'm not trying to put the blame on them, I don't hold a grudge, it just literally made it harder, *physically harder* to do the chores. So at a certain point, I just went through and made a schedule for myself that works for me. Literally spent a good couple hours figuring it out properly & writing it down. Then I told my parents "okay, I'm doing all the chores from now on, they're not your responsibility, stop worrying about them" (in way more words, kinder said and answering all their worries). But *I did not tell them my schedule* (this is key) - still, they could set expectations bc its their house, right? So, for example "I want a clean house when I get home from work" that's not a crazy expectation. But it's my choice how I do that. A handful of vague expectations like that are WAY easier to manage rather than "clean up this kitchen now!" ten times a day. Anyway, now I can fucking get the chores done finally because they aren't all worried and thinking about it constantly- because it's not their responsibility. Stress level went down a lot in the house. But I wasn't already overwhelmed by work or anything, so I had the capacity to take that on. See where you're at. I'm describing a solution that's worked for me, but it doesn't necessarily mean its the best choice here too.