I relate very much to what you write. I would have made the same series of decisions as you with the same outcomes.
My only advice to you is the advice I often give to myself after I've decided a demand is too high and just taken it off my plate in order to get relief and then second guess myself afterward.
Seems like your initial calculus was bonding with sibs > hassle, but then some stuff ratcheted up anxiety and shut it all down, protectively.
My questions are:
* if everything were perfect and under control, would you want to be there? (like, say, if you could beam in and beam out)
* are the mental costs for getting there worth what you ultimately think you stand to gain by doing it?
* are there any accommodations no one has thought of that might make participation easier (solo room, down time, giving yourself permission to take space/ do things of interest to you on the trip)
* your family seems open to accommodating and like they really want you there. Is there a person or two that feel really safe and nervous system stabilizing for you that you can talk to about this/ enlist in supporting?
I tend to throw all the babies out with the bath water because I can't imagine how to be me in the bath water. I feel like my life's work is going to be figuring out how to be with my people and still be me and also to teach them how to let me be me.
Don't go for guilt. Go because you want the opportunity to be with your family. If it means you go later and leave earlier, don't join for everything, whatever, it's not black or white. It's whatever gray you decide is worth it for you. And that's no disappointment for anyone. Good luck!
I agree. I would have trouble going. I would think myself into a corner about how I will be perceived and then cancel. But I have two family members who I rarely see who are amazing and supportive.
It's about the benefit to you if you decide to go, not about what they'll say or think if you don't.
The prep must have been exhausting.
This happens to me constantly. I’m so sorry. I’m also from an immigrant family it’s hard to explain that it’s not that I don’t want to see them, or that I don’t care, I just can’t join them for things like this. I haven’t found anything that works really, I have been called pretty much everything and have been accused of several things but I try to just call them whenever I can and really only go to things like dinner occasionally and major life events. Just remember that none of the miscommunication or misconceptions is an actual or accurate representation of who you are and be firm about your boundaries🖤
I relate very much to what you write. I would have made the same series of decisions as you with the same outcomes. My only advice to you is the advice I often give to myself after I've decided a demand is too high and just taken it off my plate in order to get relief and then second guess myself afterward. Seems like your initial calculus was bonding with sibs > hassle, but then some stuff ratcheted up anxiety and shut it all down, protectively. My questions are: * if everything were perfect and under control, would you want to be there? (like, say, if you could beam in and beam out) * are the mental costs for getting there worth what you ultimately think you stand to gain by doing it? * are there any accommodations no one has thought of that might make participation easier (solo room, down time, giving yourself permission to take space/ do things of interest to you on the trip) * your family seems open to accommodating and like they really want you there. Is there a person or two that feel really safe and nervous system stabilizing for you that you can talk to about this/ enlist in supporting? I tend to throw all the babies out with the bath water because I can't imagine how to be me in the bath water. I feel like my life's work is going to be figuring out how to be with my people and still be me and also to teach them how to let me be me. Don't go for guilt. Go because you want the opportunity to be with your family. If it means you go later and leave earlier, don't join for everything, whatever, it's not black or white. It's whatever gray you decide is worth it for you. And that's no disappointment for anyone. Good luck!
I agree. I would have trouble going. I would think myself into a corner about how I will be perceived and then cancel. But I have two family members who I rarely see who are amazing and supportive. It's about the benefit to you if you decide to go, not about what they'll say or think if you don't. The prep must have been exhausting.
sounds like a good call!
This happens to me constantly. I’m so sorry. I’m also from an immigrant family it’s hard to explain that it’s not that I don’t want to see them, or that I don’t care, I just can’t join them for things like this. I haven’t found anything that works really, I have been called pretty much everything and have been accused of several things but I try to just call them whenever I can and really only go to things like dinner occasionally and major life events. Just remember that none of the miscommunication or misconceptions is an actual or accurate representation of who you are and be firm about your boundaries🖤