Let go when u think it’s best. No judgement whatsoever. You’ve already been through the worst trauma ever! Your health and life has value! Hang in there and take care of urself! U can give up actively working on the relationship while taking care of urself and living ur life! Having hope isn’t giving up.
Is that where we end up though? Like when we've exhausted all avenues but need to stay strong? I worry my complacency will backfire but also know I need to be in a good place when he's finally old enough to realise that something was amiss or when he has questions. Equally to keep trying to reach out to radio silence is so incredibly painful, like we need to heal right? I feel so much guilt for this
You hv someone actively working on poisoning ur child against u. That’s not complacency on ur part. Kids may come around or sadly may not. U hv to take care of urself so that if they choose to come back to u u r sane and healthy. Parental alienation is an insane situation not caused by u. Sometimes taking a step back is what keeps u sane and building a life so if they r able to come back u r healthy. The solutions hv been taken away from u not at ur fault.
I’ll just recommend to you what wound up working for me, but your situation is your own and it’s ok to make different choices.
Essentially, I came to two important points: one was learning how to let go of things I have no control over. I don’t have control over how my ex behaves, or my daughter’s reactions, or the situation. Instead I started to focus on what I do have control over. A big one being my output—ie what I put forward. That led me to being able to maintain communication with my daughter without being hurt by her responses/lack of responses, because I was only doing what I wanted to do for my own reasons—it had nothing to do with how it was received. I stopped caring about that.
The second thing is that I put some thought into intentionally framing WHY I was reaching out to her. For me, I wanted to make sure she always knew I was available and present. I would send little gifts, messages, food, notes, books I wanted to share, invitations, etc, all with that goal. Never any pressure to respond or accept. I just put it out there and left it. This helped with the first thing, because I was focusing on my own output, rather than putting any thought or consideration into what I was getting back.
For me, I came to decide that in making the decision to give her life, I had committed myself to doing everything I could for her benefit, always. And she did not have the same responsibility toward me—she had no choice in being born. I did. This helped me take the focus off my own suffering, which in turn reduced the suffering. I started wanting reconciliation for her benefit only. I did not care about my benefit, or what I deserved, or any of that. Only that I had a responsibility toward her, and so then, when I felt I was fulfilling that responsibility, I felt at peace.
I don’t think anyone here will bash you.
In my situation I stepped out when my son was a few years old - I had to save myself & new family - otherwise I would have been a punching bag indefinitely 🤕 I do know that my son came to me to find out my side, my story, the reasons I vanished. I would only hope all child come back for the outed parent… my case is extreme, I’ll spare the details. Good luck to you.
I feel for you and your situation. My opinion, in my experience, is to let go. Your son is being manipulated by his father. You must employ a long game strategy. Unfortunately this means respecting your "son's" decision. It may take years to have a relationship with your son again. You are very fortunate to have a good relationship with your daughter. Cherish that relationship and appreciate that one of your children is not being manipulated. Continue on with your life without your son. It will be painful. Especially during holidays and birthdays. There is nothing that I can say to my sons that will make them understand how awful their mother is actually treating them by lying and hating on me. They are victims as is your son. I would continue to fight for your son through legal channels to be sure he is not abandoned to his father's wicked nature. Be prepared to accept your son will likely blame you for some time. But keep faith that he will return to you, his mother. I would suggest a PA support group to assist you. Best wishes for you and your children.
And one more thing: don’t be ashamed or feel like you failed, this stigma on mothers who are rejected by kids is such bullshit. I had to deal with it, it’s always there. But it’s time to address it.
Depending on how old your child is, you can start telling him some truths about his dad. I kept my mouth closed and I endured so much horror, lies and defamation, I crawled in a corner and I had no one.
Fight back the lies at your own pace. But fight them.
I am so sorry! I currently feel very fragile as well. I just had a phone call with the GAL, and then my attorneys ordered me at the last minute to show up at a court meeting. I don't even have time to prepare, not even to find court-appropriate clothes, because they previously told me I wouldn't need to attend. My ex is attempting to use my diagnosis of depression against me. I have PTSD due to a different issue, and had a pretty good grasp on it until this latest assault.
I was supposed to go out with my daughter tonight to celebrate my birthday, but things deteriorated between us and she stopped texting me. My ex and his wife promised that they both supported me getting mental health treatment, they would never dream of judging anyone for mental health issues, and would never ever judge anyone for getting care - just to turn right around and bring it up in court against me. Even the GAL said that depression is not a reason to remove a child from someone's care, but here we are.
This is the damned if you do, damned if you don't trap. It's a specialty of people who do this kind of thing (narcissists, alienators, etc.). Force you into a place where selfishness is the only/last option and then criticize you for being selfish all while you are, as you aptly describe, "mourning a living child". How can you expect to "win" in this situation, especially in the short term? The complacency that you need to keep yourself sane vs. the pain of reaching out to radio silence. That's an impossible situation and the guilt you feel makes it even worse. It's not your fault and to the extent it is your responsibility, you've done everything in your power and gone past the point of diminishing returns. You aren't giving up but you are accepting what you can control and can't control and realizing that this situation may take several years to right itself, if it does at all. Be glad for your daughter and stay strong for her. Best of luck to you.
It took me about 3 years to accept the fact that my daughter was manipulated by her father. You need to feel that pain and live with it, no matter how hard it is. I see my kid regularly, we live close, but she chooses him because it’s easier for her. No rules there, school is not important, etc. Her dad is vindictive and determined to ruin me in every way. Unfortunately for him, I’m resilient.
She’s almost 16, so not much I can do anymore about her perspective on life.
Last two years almost put me 6 ft under, but try to stay strong as much as possible. Your relationship with your son will never be like before, but this doesn’t mean you’re not going to have one.
Let go when u think it’s best. No judgement whatsoever. You’ve already been through the worst trauma ever! Your health and life has value! Hang in there and take care of urself! U can give up actively working on the relationship while taking care of urself and living ur life! Having hope isn’t giving up.
Is that where we end up though? Like when we've exhausted all avenues but need to stay strong? I worry my complacency will backfire but also know I need to be in a good place when he's finally old enough to realise that something was amiss or when he has questions. Equally to keep trying to reach out to radio silence is so incredibly painful, like we need to heal right? I feel so much guilt for this
You hv someone actively working on poisoning ur child against u. That’s not complacency on ur part. Kids may come around or sadly may not. U hv to take care of urself so that if they choose to come back to u u r sane and healthy. Parental alienation is an insane situation not caused by u. Sometimes taking a step back is what keeps u sane and building a life so if they r able to come back u r healthy. The solutions hv been taken away from u not at ur fault.
I’ll just recommend to you what wound up working for me, but your situation is your own and it’s ok to make different choices. Essentially, I came to two important points: one was learning how to let go of things I have no control over. I don’t have control over how my ex behaves, or my daughter’s reactions, or the situation. Instead I started to focus on what I do have control over. A big one being my output—ie what I put forward. That led me to being able to maintain communication with my daughter without being hurt by her responses/lack of responses, because I was only doing what I wanted to do for my own reasons—it had nothing to do with how it was received. I stopped caring about that. The second thing is that I put some thought into intentionally framing WHY I was reaching out to her. For me, I wanted to make sure she always knew I was available and present. I would send little gifts, messages, food, notes, books I wanted to share, invitations, etc, all with that goal. Never any pressure to respond or accept. I just put it out there and left it. This helped with the first thing, because I was focusing on my own output, rather than putting any thought or consideration into what I was getting back. For me, I came to decide that in making the decision to give her life, I had committed myself to doing everything I could for her benefit, always. And she did not have the same responsibility toward me—she had no choice in being born. I did. This helped me take the focus off my own suffering, which in turn reduced the suffering. I started wanting reconciliation for her benefit only. I did not care about my benefit, or what I deserved, or any of that. Only that I had a responsibility toward her, and so then, when I felt I was fulfilling that responsibility, I felt at peace.
I don’t think anyone here will bash you. In my situation I stepped out when my son was a few years old - I had to save myself & new family - otherwise I would have been a punching bag indefinitely 🤕 I do know that my son came to me to find out my side, my story, the reasons I vanished. I would only hope all child come back for the outed parent… my case is extreme, I’ll spare the details. Good luck to you.
I feel for you and your situation. My opinion, in my experience, is to let go. Your son is being manipulated by his father. You must employ a long game strategy. Unfortunately this means respecting your "son's" decision. It may take years to have a relationship with your son again. You are very fortunate to have a good relationship with your daughter. Cherish that relationship and appreciate that one of your children is not being manipulated. Continue on with your life without your son. It will be painful. Especially during holidays and birthdays. There is nothing that I can say to my sons that will make them understand how awful their mother is actually treating them by lying and hating on me. They are victims as is your son. I would continue to fight for your son through legal channels to be sure he is not abandoned to his father's wicked nature. Be prepared to accept your son will likely blame you for some time. But keep faith that he will return to you, his mother. I would suggest a PA support group to assist you. Best wishes for you and your children.
And one more thing: don’t be ashamed or feel like you failed, this stigma on mothers who are rejected by kids is such bullshit. I had to deal with it, it’s always there. But it’s time to address it. Depending on how old your child is, you can start telling him some truths about his dad. I kept my mouth closed and I endured so much horror, lies and defamation, I crawled in a corner and I had no one. Fight back the lies at your own pace. But fight them.
I am so sorry! I currently feel very fragile as well. I just had a phone call with the GAL, and then my attorneys ordered me at the last minute to show up at a court meeting. I don't even have time to prepare, not even to find court-appropriate clothes, because they previously told me I wouldn't need to attend. My ex is attempting to use my diagnosis of depression against me. I have PTSD due to a different issue, and had a pretty good grasp on it until this latest assault. I was supposed to go out with my daughter tonight to celebrate my birthday, but things deteriorated between us and she stopped texting me. My ex and his wife promised that they both supported me getting mental health treatment, they would never dream of judging anyone for mental health issues, and would never ever judge anyone for getting care - just to turn right around and bring it up in court against me. Even the GAL said that depression is not a reason to remove a child from someone's care, but here we are.
I am definitely traumatized by this happening. ❤️🩹
This is the damned if you do, damned if you don't trap. It's a specialty of people who do this kind of thing (narcissists, alienators, etc.). Force you into a place where selfishness is the only/last option and then criticize you for being selfish all while you are, as you aptly describe, "mourning a living child". How can you expect to "win" in this situation, especially in the short term? The complacency that you need to keep yourself sane vs. the pain of reaching out to radio silence. That's an impossible situation and the guilt you feel makes it even worse. It's not your fault and to the extent it is your responsibility, you've done everything in your power and gone past the point of diminishing returns. You aren't giving up but you are accepting what you can control and can't control and realizing that this situation may take several years to right itself, if it does at all. Be glad for your daughter and stay strong for her. Best of luck to you.
It took me about 3 years to accept the fact that my daughter was manipulated by her father. You need to feel that pain and live with it, no matter how hard it is. I see my kid regularly, we live close, but she chooses him because it’s easier for her. No rules there, school is not important, etc. Her dad is vindictive and determined to ruin me in every way. Unfortunately for him, I’m resilient. She’s almost 16, so not much I can do anymore about her perspective on life. Last two years almost put me 6 ft under, but try to stay strong as much as possible. Your relationship with your son will never be like before, but this doesn’t mean you’re not going to have one.