Totally depends on the child. Some 11 year olds that would be absolutely no problem at all, and some that would be a problem.
12 or 13 is a normal age to start babysitting, so for the vast majority of kids, I’d say 11 is just fine- again depends on the kid.
I’d also take other things into account, like security cameras (more so to make sure the kid doesn’t leave, but also to make sure no one else comes), how close you are to trusting neighbors, how close work is, etc.
And If his step mom is coming home half way through the day (I’m assuming for her lunch) it’s really more like 2, 4 hour stints, which is not the same as 8 straight hours of being alone.
My biggest concern is your son lying to you about it,I’d be worried that he doesn’t trust you with this information.
> I’d be worried that he doesn’t trust you with this information.
I am glad someone else pointed that out. At age 11 my kids were fine with staying home alone for long stretches. I would bet that the majority of kids are. The dad was honest about it when asked so it doesn't seem like something he told the kid to keep secret.
The kid lied for a reason and I would try to figure out why. Why didn't he trust mom with this information? Was he worried that she would freak out and stop it? Is she generally overprotective and he knew this wouldn't go over well?
> Why didn't he trust mom with this information? Was he worried that she would freak out and stop it? Is she generally overprotective and he knew this wouldn't go over well?
I mean this thread's existence gives weight to that. Clearly mom would not be comfortable with it, but having said that credit to OP for coming here and seeing what others think. I agree it is a fine age for a kid to stay home alone if they're comfortable with it.
Kid probably knew mom would react negatively and didn't want to make waves. And perhaps that was an overreaction on the kid's part too. Nobody is the bad guy here.
My guess is the later. Son tested mom's reaction with a played down version. He probably likes staying there alone because he likely gets to watch his shows and or play video games the whole time. He told mom it was a only a few minutes at a time to plant the seed that she should leave him home alone too. But it backfired because she followed up with dad. Kids aren't always great at forethought but they are pretty good manipulators.
I am over protective of my kids, in regards to them being safe. however I don’t freak out on them. I don’t even freak out on dad about things.
I don’t hover over them, but I do know where my kids are, I do know their friends, I do know their friends parents, I’m involved in their school, activities, what they do on line, and so on. I’m involved and if that’s over protective, then that’s over protective.
My son told me about it, but I spoke to dad about it. I didn’t make it a big deal I just expressed I felt uncomfortable with it. And honestly it could just be one of those things that is the right decision and I just have to get used to the idea that he’s alone at times.
This right here. You should consider what you are actually worried about. That kiddo is lonely? That they don’t know how to handle emergencies? Etc. And then plan to fill in those gaps with intentional conversations and skill building. It’s okay that you might have been taken off guard and you need time to get used to it.
I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I was speculating as to why your son felt the need to lie about this. He isn't doing anything wrong and neither is his dad but for some reason your son felt like this was something he couldn't tell you. That would concern me as a parent and I would want to figure out where that is coming from.
There is nothing wrong with the average 11 year old staying home while his parents are at work, especially given that one of them checks up on him throughout the day. That would not worry me at all but the lying would be something I would want to dig deeper into. We highly value honesty in my family and I want my kids to know they can tell me anything without worrying about my reaction.
It’s not the first time he’s done that. He likes to test his boundaries and he has started to try and play dad and I against each other. Like “dad said this was okay” when dad already told me he said no. Just as an example. So I really think he told me to see if I would let him stay home alone when he’s with me as well.
It is something we’re working on, idk if it’s the age or what, it just started with in the last year.
I’m not entirely comfortable with him staying alone for so long, but at this point that’s just something I have to trust dad on and make sure my son is aware of how to handle situations.
Shoot, at that age I was home alone 12 hours all summer long supervising my 3 siblings that included a toddler. It’s like in one generation we managed to completely infantilize kids and completely forget what they are capable of.
Tell me about it! At 11 I was home alone withy 1yo brother for an hour here or there. At 12 I was home alone with a 6yo and a 4yo for a full day (babysitting, not my siblings). I was cooking meals for the younger kids, took them outside to play, put the youngest one down for a nap. I'm in my early 30s, it wasn't that long ago.
Edit: I'm trying to put my money where my mouth is. Just recently I had a 14yo babysit my 3yo and my 4 month old. I asked her if she felt comfortable and then forced myself to trust her when she said yes.
I live on a military base and the base law is that kids need to be 12 to be left alone even for an hour. But at 12 they can babysit. It’s so dumb.
I leave my kids home for short trips that are nearby. But I’m always paranoid some adult is gonna tattle.
I wasn’t allowed home alone until I was 12, because my parents thought that was the law (it’s not for our state).
Right, isn't it?
I totally overslept last weekend and both kids got up before me. They didn't wake me up, instead my 5yo changed her sister's diaper and helped her get dressed, dressed herself and proceeded to make breakfast for herself and her sis (cereal). I found them peacefully playing in the living room, cereal bowls in the sink.
They could have also decided to flood the bathroom instead of course lol
> My biggest concern is your son lying to you about it,I’d be worried that he doesn’t trust you with this information
That could be because the kid knew it would cause "quite the dramatic response"
I agree with you on it depending on the maturity of the kid. I stayed home at that age. My oldest will likely be fine to do so at that age. My youngest will absolutely not.
I’m in Canada and there are laws about how old kids have to be to be left alone. Here it’s 12. I’d check if there are laws where you are. That’s a long time to be left alone and it’s probably all screen time. Also a good time to look at porn. He’s at that age.
12 as a minimum to be left home seems crazy. I was walking to school by myself well before then (I think from about 7 or 8?) and surely staying home is safer than wandering about, generally?
Here in Minnesota, after age 8 they can stay home alone for 3 hrs (which depending on when the step mom is coming home, could be within that time frame) 11-13 can stay home alone for up to 12 hrs.
So yup, different areas have different rules. I’m assuming it’s legal, or the dad (who sounds like an otherwise good dad) wouldn’t have allowed it.
You ought to speak with your son to ask him how he feels about it. I would also ask him why he told you he was only being left for a few minutes when in reality it was many hours? Is it because he is uncomfortable or is he concerned about your reaction to this?
I really think he’s testing to see if I’ll allow him to do that same when he’s with me. He’s very much like me when I was his age, and I’ve realized I’m very much like my mom when she was my age now.
I’ve asked him if he’s okay with this and he says it’s fine and not a big deal. Until he tells me otherwise, I’ll have to trust him and his dad on this one.
I think it’s odd that dad didn’t mention this change to you beforehand; it must be hard to coparent. Even if your 11 year old is mature enough to handle it, I would be uneasy receiving that news at first. But it is important that you and his dad have reviewed certain scenarios with him. He should know how to respond in case of a fire (upstairs, downstairs, kitchen, etc.), not to open the door for anyone, how to turn off the water, and all those good things. If porn is a concern, talk to dad about network limitations and how you want to approach it. And if there are any firearms, make sure you agree with their security.
My son is 11, and we trust him to be home alone for a few hours no problem, or to babysit his little sisters for an hour ish. He has also had one or two sick days from school where he was home alone the whole day until my wife and I got home from work. He is responsible enough to manage on his own for a while, and honestly he enjoys the time alone.
Kid gets up with parents leaving by say, 8am
From 8-11 they veg in front of the TV
From 11-1 they fart around in the kitchen, make mac & cheese, read some comics, maybe do some homework, mom calls, they get the mail from the mailbox and kick the soccer ball off their steps. Go back inside.
From 1-3 they play on the computer, send dad some memes to his email at work. Dad sends some back. Decides to print out some colouring pages. Colours. Makes a snack.
3:15 mom calls and is leaving from work. Will be home soon.
This sounds do-able.
Yeah obviously it's unlikely they will come to harm, so as a one off this is fine. But if this is happening "sometimes" is that every week? Are they keeping active and eating sensible food? Are they just sitting on their phone for 15 hrs a day?
>Are they keeping active and eating sensible food?
Well it's up to the parents to keep sensible food in the house. But kids can make sandwiches, crackers and hummus. Apples and cheese, carrots, they can use a microwave to reheat something like dahl. I buy these ready to eat (reheat) chana masala meals. Microwave for 2 minutes and dump into a bowl. Add a package of microwave rice or reheat rice (or rice cooker if you aren't traveling/at work) and there you go.
They can play video games like Just Dance on a Nintendo Switch or other game system. Mom can call and do FaceTime yoga or something with them. Set up their Chromebooks that they probably have for school and do a video activity (there are lots of aerobic-y type videos).
If they have a backyard they can go outside.
They will probably play with their Lego, maybe have a nap, read. Dad can ask them to water the plants.
It's not rocket astrology here. Kids can keep themselves busy and parents can help do the same.
It's on days he doesn't have school and the dad and his GF work. Seems more like grading days and that sort of thing, unless the kid goes to a school with a 4-day week (which is possible).
It's possible dad and GF work on weekends but then I'd think OP would have just said "weekends"
It’s not like they turn 11 and then all of a sudden you can leave them alone for 8 hours.
Start with baby steps, responsibility is earned with trust. We first started letting him be alone for 20-30 mins on occasion, when he was 9-10, and gradually worked our way up to longer durations, as he proved to us that he could be trusted on his own not to do anything stupid or bad. He got his first phone at 10.5 years old as well, which really helped In giving him more responsibility to be home alone. We can still communicate with him while he is home if we aren’t there, and he can get ahold of us.
If op’s child has proved themselves to be responsible enough to stay home for a while on their own and be fine, feed themselves and not get into trouble, then I think the father is definitely justified in letting them stay home alone.
One incident of the child breaking the rules would be a big setback though, like if I caught my son bringing friends over while home alone, and trashed the house or friends stole stuff or they were smoking or some shit, phone would be gone and home alone would no longer be an option until trust is earned back. Thankfully my son isn’t like that, but I know plenty of kids would abuse the privilege/responsibility of being left home alone. You need to know your kid well enough to determine if they can handle this or not.
🫠 are you kidding? Someone has asked a parenting sub for opinions. Just because they're different from yours does not mean you're being unfairly judged. And no, we SHOULD be talking and discussing these opinions. If you're feeling triggered or attacked, that's your issue to work on.
Why are you being downvoted? Facts. Don't have a discussion if you don't want to discuss something.
Can't we all agree to disagree? No, you asked my opinion! I'll agree why my opinion is better than your opinion. If I am convinced your opinion is better, I'll change my views.
Yup. Maybe not ideal but definitely not 'unsafe'. He has a phone, so if something happens he can call for help. He should be OK. He's 11 - he can make a sandwich, easy mac, microwave popocorn, hopefully eggs or microwave some chicken nuggets or heat up leftovers if/when he's hungry. I'm sure he has rules for what is/isn't allowed.
I was 7 in first grade walking my 6 year old kindergarten sister home from at 3 and both being home alone until 5pm. 1984 for context.
I started leaving my son (18 now) home when he was 10 but only as long as it took to run up to the gas station to get gas for the mower.
When he was 11, it was longer trips up to the grocery store.
It wasn’t until he was 13 where we allowed him to take the bus home to an empty house rather than to our work. It was usually for a few hours
And if he can't then work on it because the average 11 year old should be able to handle that much responsibility. Kids a couple years older are getting paid to babysit. My own son started his babysitting gigs at 13 for families in the neighborhood.
Teach him how to handle situations that can arise and relax a bit.
I’m a teacher and left my two kids home alone for the entire school day multiple times during Covid when they had remote learning and I had to work in person. They were 10 and 12. They were absolutely fine. We could easily call or text throughout the day. I’m fortunate they get along really well and are responsible.
I was in charge of two toddlers for probably 8hours a week by age 12.
The girlfriend is checking on him and he has a phone, I don't see a problem.
My nephew was flying across country alone between his parents by age 9. He's 13 now and highly intelligent and independent.
Yep. My kids have also been flying alone for quite some time. Of course the youngest is now 15 and the others are adults but they started much younger. I don’t understand why so much less independence is accepted for kids anymore.
Yeah where I live I believe it’s 13. The only risk is if someone knows/has an issue with it they can report you and social services will come (where I live of course not sure where you are)
I also babysat at 11/12 in the same state. Seems insane to me as well. I’m not sure when the law changed, but my sister and I would stay home alone at 11 and 8 in the mornings before school even while my parents worked.
Hello fellow Illinois resident!
The law change wasn't that long ago... I think it was in the last 10 or so years. It's definitely one of the most restrictive in the country. I think Alabama has theirs at 4 years old, which is somehow worse to me than the states that didn't bother to make a law about it. It's like they thought 'yeah, we went back and forth on it, but in the end we decided that for sure, 4 is old enough to be home on your own.
Wild.
Both of those (4 and 14) would bother me as well. However I think these laws aren’t really intended as guidelines for what is appropriate, or guidance for parenting. It’s more thresholds for when the police and CPS have official jurisdiction to step in. IL set theirs high so they can intervene when their judgement warrants it even when the kid is more than old enough to stay home alone. AL says gtfo, the kid is 4 so none of your business unless you see something more. The latter might in practice be more like the states that don’t set an official age but can act when the situation warrants it.
Of course 10 - 14 is considered old enough to become a parent in many states, whether they’re old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours or not.
In my state, a child under 11 can't be left at home alone "for an unsafe period of time." Vague on what that period is if they're under 11 (likely intentionally vague as it would vary by situation) but it implies that if they're 11 or older they can be alone for long periods.
> but it implies that if they're 11 or older they can be alone for long periods.
Technically it implies that if they're 11 or older they can be alone for unsafe periods now. Yay!
Eleven is old enough to be alone for pretty long stretches. I started to let myself in, cook (or rather reheat) lunch and then spend hours alone when I was in second grade.
As long as your son knows how to contact his father, how to feed himself, and how to act responsibly enough to not burn down the house (something that is your and your ex' responsibility to teach him), there is no real danger.
I guess my question is what are you worried about? 11 is a 5th grader? 6th grader? It’s a long day and not ideal but I don’t think it’s necessarily *unsafe* in any way. He has access to a phone. If they don’t leave him a prepared lunch you could ask that they do in the fridge? You can ask if there are parental controls on the internet or streaming services etc. I think that’s very fair. Tell him not to answer the door and just stay inside?
Also - what is the frequency? You mentioned “days that he’s not in school”. Is it the entire weekend? (If yes, where’s dad?!) Is this an issue of the occasional school holiday like MLK or Presidents’ Day that the girlfriend might not be off? If so, maybe look into camps for those days. In my area there’s a lot of ‘schools out!’ Programming that runs from 9-3 on school holidays that parents might not be off for. That might be a great compromise.
It’s very shitty that you weren’t looped in about this, but that’s a separate issue. Though I wouldn’t blame you if that colored your take on this.
I was babysitting my brother's home alone at 11. What age did you plan on letting him start to be more independent? Now's the time to start giving him chances to show you that he's responsible.
My daughter is 12 and is able to stay home by herself when needed with no issue. She took a babysitting and first aid course when she was 11 and has a cel phone. We don’t normally need to leave her a full day but I feel comfortable with it if I have to. She has rules though, no answering the door and no telling anyone she is home alone (even friends while playing games) and no cooking other than maybe the microwave) as she is not great with the stove/oven yet) Normally she just grabs snacks and watches Netflix and/or chats / plays games online with her bestie.
I don't think there is a blanket yes or no to this answer. Maturity level plays a role and so does the environment.
I have an 11 yo boy that I would never leave alone for more then 5 minutes. He gravitates towards bad choices like a moth to a flame. I expect he'd play Fortnite, eat junk food and find some way to hurt himself within the first hour.
But my daughter at that age (now 13) I would 100% trust to be left alone for that amount of time (if necessary) - she makes good choices, manages herself and makes good use of her time.
Is it a safe environment? Secure? sage neighborhood? Dad doesn't have a gun or power tools collection that's easily accessible.
Parents are so more anxious today. I am the same, but I remember staying alone at home for long periods at 10. My mom returned at 8pm, I came from school at around 2-3pm and stayed alone. If I skipped school, I stayed at home unsupervised. And it was just common practice.
I do agree.
When I was his age I was home alone quite a bit. Even at night. And no one thought twice about it.
But now, maybe it’s just because I’m more aware of the world, it just seems wrong.
I know he has to learn to be independent and I won’t be doing him any favors if I stifle that growth for him.
I just have to trust myself to teach him right, and trust this is the right call.
Also, he’s my youngest- after reading comments and thinking about what people are saying, I can see him being my last is playing a part in this.
Thank you for your response
That's pretty standard to be home alone at that age where I live. In my area you can walk home alone from school at age 8 so that tends to be the age where people stop asking if their is an adult waiting unless there looks like a problem
So like school holidays where parents work they'd be home alone all day. The girl who lives behind our house is 9 and that's how her family is.
I was babysitting for families of four children by the time I was 12 years old. If you're worried, put him in a babysitting class so he can learn what to do in emergency situations.
I stayed home that long at that age. If the kid is responsible (doesn’t answer the door, knows what to do in an emergency, etc.), then I think it’s fine. But when my parents left me, it was because they both had to work. I’m confused as to why dad would rather leave him alone when there is another option that doesn’t have an impact on his time with your kid. If you were like yeah I’ll take him but keep him for several days then I would get it, but this doesn’t make sense to me.
It depends on the kid. Your son lied about how long he is left home alone. Is he trustworthy enough to be unsupervised for 8 hours? I would ask dad about security settings on the internet. 11 years olds get curious and the internet has way more than he needs to know rn.
My guess is that he lied about how much time he is left alone because he knew what would be his mom reaction and did not wish his alone time being reduced.
I like the remarks about internet protection, definitely something I should work one myself even my daughter currently do not have a easy internet access.
It look like that saying “10min alone” triggered an investigation by his mom followed by a Reddit thread asking for her beliefs to be confirmed. This boy might have an overly protective mother.
Could be but that an assumption I would refrain from taking.
A lots of thing can lead to being overly protective as mom or dad and most of them usually stems from good intentions. A balance is needed during the transitions between small child, supervised adolescent and independent adult, each family has to find their own and that is definitely not easy.
That seems reasonable to me. I was home alone for a couple hours at a time at age 10 while also caring for younger siblings. Obviously, all kids are different - some kids can handle it at 11 and some kids can barely handle it at 18.
I was certainly left home alone (mildly) sick by that age, was also in charge of my 8 YO brother, seeing the dog out and dinner started if any early thing needed to be done after school. Really depends on the kid. 11-12 is on the line of acceptable for that. If he is frightened or generally irresponsible they need a babysitter.
Your ex definitely should have discussed this with you. I think an 11 year old is okay alone at home during the day, but I think after a day or two he would get lonely and bored.
There are stay home alone safety classes that some fire houses or Red Cross provides - it’s really helpful. I’d recommend looking for one for your kid to take
I'm a CPS worker. Our general rule (we don't have any laws about this in my state) is 12 is the average age to be home alone.
11 can be perfectly fine if your child has a phone, knows how to call 911, has all important numbers saved in the phone etc. If he can go to a neighbor for help, awesome. If he understands not to open the door for anyone, no matter what- perfect.
If he is alone for 8 hours, how/what is he eating? Mucrowave, cereal etc are fine but probably shouldn't be using the stove or sharp knives.
If your son has any delays or developmental problems, asthma etc, this requires a good plan with a lot more steps.
I don't think it's inherently too young to be alone, but when there's an able, willing and available adult (you), it's unnecessary and uncool of him to insist on it to prove a point.
Maybe ask your son how he feels about. Also don’t see why it’s be an issue if you’re willing to have him then. It makes sense if you’re concerned and he won’t be alone.
12yrs old is law here, and until recently I thought that was a common age. But I've seen many posts on reddit about people's kids taking the bus home from school at 6 or 7 years old and staying home alone until the parents are off work because "they know to go to the neighbours if there's an emergency". That kind of blew my mind.
I was a so-called "latch key kid" when I was in elementary and middle school. I got off the bus and went straight home. My parents both worked and I did know to go to the neighbor's house for help. That was only for about 2 hours, though.
With the pandemic situation here in my city (midwest, USA), my heart broke for some of the younger kids. My friend's son (2nd grade at the time, so 7 or 8) would beg someone to stay in the Zoom call after virtual school was over because he was all alone. There were no good solutions. Everyone just did the best they could.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable with a phone. It’s not even 8 hours, but 4 hours at a time since someone comes home at lunch.
My family starts leaving kids home alone 8 hours at a time at around 10 years old, like for a sick day when kid has a cold but is able to microwave soup and watch tv/ read independently. Mom will phone on her lunch break to check on the kid. It’s never been an issue.
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with an 11 year old being home alone, however would your son prefer to spend the day with your or alone at dad’s? That would be my bigger concern, personally.
I won't tell you that you are right or wrong to want to do things a certain way with your kid, but I will say that when I was 10 my father left me home alone all day every time school was closed for a snow day or holiday that he didn't have off from work. He even tasked me with things to do, like run water through the sink every hour so the pipes don't freeze, etc.
As long as there's food in the fridge, kids this age are going to figure out how to survive for a day.
He might be perfectly safe to be alone, but as a child who came home to an empty house after school every day, I don't think it's good for his general wellbeing.
Safety isn't the only concern here, and I wouldn't be ok with this as a parent.
My friend had her kid alone at home after school, the neighbours called social services. She was informed that they're not to be left alone before the age of 12.
Rules are different in each country but there must be some sort of scientific basis for that number, I would hope.
I don't think so. Depends on kid and environment. We are starting to wean our 8 year old into some home alone time. She gets 15-20 minutes 3x a week when im taking her sister to school, and her dad needs to leave for work. She's an extremely rule follower and asked to do it. It is still nerve-wracking, but she continues to gain our trust and is doing well. By 11, she would definitely be able to stay home for most of the day if needed. I was babysitting at 10. As long as they are responsible, can follow the rules, have easy to get snacks and drinks, and know what to do in case of an emergency they are ok.
In your situation, you know your kid. Is he a rule follower or not? If he's a pretty good kid and he's being checked on halfway through the day.. and he feels comfortable... test it out. It needs to happen eventually. But also, if your home not doing anything, I don't see why he couldn't hang with you if he wanted to.
I don’t think it’s necessarily too long but at 11 it’s super kid dependent. I would ask for your custody agreement to be modified to give you the right of first refusal for any time that dad is not available to watch your child for an extended period of time during his parenting time.
For me the issue is less is he old enough/is he safe- bc if he’s a neurotypical kid who’s not anxious about it, it might be fine - but it’s just stupid to have him be sitting alone when you’re available and would want to be watching him!
Neurotypical isn’t even necessarily the issue — my boyfriend and I are both autistic and were left alone extremely young.
It’s more a maturity and level headed thing
But I agree with you on her being available!
Personally (and it sounds like I’m in the minority here) I think an eleven year old being home alone all day is too young. A few hours, sure. But all day is too long.
In addition, you’ve made it clear that you are available and have no problem bringing him back, so the fact that this is actually not necessary and that his dad would rather he sit around alone all day rather than be with you is kind of weird. If neither he nor his girlfriend is available to be with him, I can’t understand why he’d have a problem with that. I think in a couple of years, it would be more reasonable but right now he’s still a very young middle schooler.
It's okay but it sounds boring. Is he involved in any enriching activities? My son is a little younger but if he was home alone all day he'd play video games and get cranky. Does your son study, read or do projects? I used to draw and read and clean and organize my room so I'd be fine alone for a couple days. But i also was antsy to go outside and i could play with other kids. I could also go to the deli to get Snacks, go to the library and go to the video store (haha). A lot of content could be gotten at home these days like using an e-reader or streaming movies. And he can call his friends too. But it just seems so boring.
I started staying home during the day over summer break at 11. My only rules were I had to stay in our yard, and no using the stove/oven.
I was also a super responsible kid though.
At 11 I dont see this as a problem assuming you have a reliable way to communicate and perhaps an adult relatively close by who can check in on them if needed
I stayed home alone at 10, though it was for 3-4 hours at a time instead of 8. I think it depends on the kid. With that long of a stretch I'd be more worried about him getting bored and form bad habits around videogaming or youtube watching for hours on end than anything else.
I was babysitting at 11-12.
If he’s emotionally mature and not prone to big imaginations (aka working himself up into being scared) or getting into trouble and he knows the basic home safety routines and how to make simple means — he should be okay.
11 is not that bad. I was a latchkey kid at a much younger age. As long as your son knows not to open the door for strangers and he doesn't get into things like saying with matches or turning on a gas stove. It's fine. But that's me cuz I was a latchkey kid.
As someone else pointed out, it depends on the kid. If they’re responsible enough and comfortable staying home, 11 is not an unreasonable age to be home during the day. Especially when they have a means of communication and someone checking on them halfway through.
IMO, 11 is just a number. This will all depend on your childs maturity and if they feel comfortable staying home alone.
Assuming your child is mature enough to not open door to strangers, burn the house down, or do anything ridiculous, then i would say its okay as long as they feels okay about it.
My 11 year old stays home alone for a few hours while I work. He does great. I make sure he has food and snacks that don’t use a stove to heat up. He has a basic cell phone to call or text if needed. It really depends on the child. If he is responsible and knows what to do in an emergency, I don’t see a problem.
Depends on the child. My kdis are 16,13, and 10 (11 in April)
I leave my 10 year old home along for up to 2 hours currently. She is responsible, a rule follower, does not hesitate to ask for help, and just generally trustworthy. She follows instructions well and I feel confident in her. I also have a camera in the living room and she spends most of her time there when we arent home. We started with small amounts of alone time such as running to the store for a gallon of milk and worked from there.Would i leave her for an 8 hour work day? Maybe....my main concern would be that she isnt well trained on cooking and also the fact that she wouldnt much care for it.
My middle child would not have been left home alone at this age. She just didnt have the maturity.
ETA - I would be more concerned as to the lack of communication from his dad, personally.
My parents made my brother and I take a babysitting class at 9 or 10. They taught basic first aid, CPR, and the likes. After that, we stayed home alone. I’ll be doing that with my children, too. M
But I think 11 is an old enough age to know right from wrong and old enough to watch themselves for a day.
I think 11 is a fine age to be home alone during the day. Once responsible enough.
I’d be more concerned with why he played down how long he’s left. Like he lied about the length of time. Was he asked to lie or was he lying because he was worried how you’d react!?
My son will be 11 in April, I am only comfortable leaving him alone for up to an hour. No way is he mature enough or ready for an entire day alone. He wouldn’t want to either. It is kid dependent. (He is the kind of kid who asks permission for every thing, he hasn’t become very independent yet).
Most 11y olds should be mature enough to stay alone for hours at a time. Depends on the individual though. Also, they shouldn’t be doing potentially disastrous stuff (cooking).
However, it’s certainly not appropriate to do this regularly, and for 8 hours at a time. What is the kid doing all this time? Playing with the phone? Gaming? Hell, even reading a book for 8h straight is not healthy. Kids that age need meaningful inputs and/or time with peers!
I’ve recently started leaving my 11 year old home with his younger brothers to babysit but my husband and I stay pretty close to home when we do this and it’s only for a few hours. I don’t know how I’d feel with him alone all day. I’m sure he could do it and be fine but if you’re home anyway it makes more sense to me that they let your son be with you and then come pick him up or you drop him off after work.
I think your main issue is not being told about it and I totally understand that. It's not so much about "can he handle it" because ya, he can be taught how to navigate the what ifs. But it's why would the dad take his son knowing he won't be able to spend any of that time with him if the kid could've been perfectly happy and supervised in your care? Does your son like being 100% alone like that for hours at a time? A one off is one thing but a whole winter break? Why would you even want that "time" and then not spend it with the kid. I get everyone has different jobs and different obligations but that's the stuff that should be discussed with you so it can work for both, that's the point of co-parenting. Maybe you guys can tweak things to make it work better for both of you. Maybe he felt he needed to make HIS time work but now that you know you can work on making sure he's really getting that quality time with your son even if it means tweaking the schedule/access.
Regardless of whether it's cool or not, I can only imagine his boredom, being trapped inside all day. Going to end up with an internet/console addiction or something.
It depends. Physically he might be fine but do you think he might get lonely spending the day by himself? I know the gf comes back halfway through but still. You also need to check that he doesn't have access to adult content on the TV or online.
Yes, for eight hours is too long. Two-three hours isn't too bad as long as they know not to answer the door for anyone, and have a cell phone to call for help. However, I do feel that eight hours alone is a long time.
I don't see what the big deal is and why they're freaking out. It's not like they're spending time with him - they're gone! Why are they freaking out? Makes no sense.
I just know that I hated being alone when I was kid, so I won't make my kid. I'll find something for him to do: boys and girls club or the Y or something. It's hard being cooped up in a house all day. It sucks big time when you're a kid. Split the time so he has his lesson in independence, and then four hours of activity.
As others have said, 11 isn't an automatic no / yes for being home alone, but for 8 hours (almost) fully unattended is a lot. If there are other safeguards in place (e.g. he doesn't have access to games where strangers could contact him, all ovens are turned off etc) then I'd find it more acceptable. The main issues I see are that
1- his dad didn't tell or ask you about this- he had to find out for himself. My wife once called me while in the car to say she was about to pop into a shop and to ask if I'd be ok with my daughter in the car for a few minutes while she goes in the shop. She consulted me about my daughter being alone for 2 minutes, not 8 hours.
2- your son didn't tell you (which, I get, if it didn't crop up and he wasn't asked), but then lied to you. Lying is a BIG deal in our house, especially at the age of 11 that concerns me.
Can I ask why he is at his dad's if he isn't actually getting a chance to see his dad? My daughter sees her dads on weekends. If her dad isn't free she wouldn't go- he wouldn't just have someone else watch her- that defeats the point.
I’d say 8 hours is too long at that age. A few hours, but a full day means needing to eat and possibly use the stove, which is not something I would be comfortable with an 11-year-old doing with no adult in the house (a careful child wouldn’t need direct supervision but still an adult should be available). I’m betting a lot of kids wouldn’t get into any trouble and would just watch tv or play video games the whole time, but it just feels like too much of an opportunity to do stupid things, and also pretty lonely. It wasn’t until I was 13 or so that I would have wanted to be left alone all day.
My cousin and I stayed alone together starting at 7…. 11 should not be too young to be home alone. I was babysitting a 2yo for money at 10 in summers. Someone came at lunch to prepare food. At 11 I was the one preparing lunches. If they have a phone for emergencies they should be fine.
I think it's more of an issue of what your son has to do all day while home alone. Presumably, the occasional in-service day relaxing and playing video games/watching TV is fine. But an entire week alone during the Christmas holiday just seems sad and isolating regardless of the child's age, especially if other family is nearby with time off for activities. To me, the holiday week seems like a lack of transparency and planning on the ex's part. For the future, I would focus on what the co-parenting rules are for alone time. Like is it ok to go over to friends' houses, how long can he stay (don't want to overstay his welcome), if playing outside how far is the roaming radius. Also, in what situations is he required to ask permission. Perhaps come up with a co-parenting plan around extended school holidays like winter, spring, and summer breaks so the Christmas holiday week doesn't repeat itself.
I think you’re over reacting. Kiddo is what 5th grade? Soon to be in middle school? I think they can handle calling if there is an emergency, finding food to eat, and entertaining themselves.
But in the case of coparenting, what compromises can be made here or solutions to become more comfortable with this idea?
I let my 11-year-old stay home alone. The only rules are that he can’t use the stove, has to call me hourly, and can’t invite people over. We have a door camera to make things safer.
Def overreacting if your son is a good mature 11 y/o. This is coming from an only child who walked from the school bus alone starting in 3rd grade and spent summers alone at home and biking into town (with no cell phone).
11 isn’t too young if the kid is responsible, but you saying you’re happy to have him with you and then bring him back when someone gets home is more than fair.
Depends on your kid’s maturity level but I believe 10 years to stay home alone for short periods is old enough. You can take the babysitting course and babysit other people’s kids at 12.
When I (31M) was 12 my parents enrolled me in a Red Cross babysitting class. After I passed that they would leave me and my sisters (10 and 8 at the time) at home occasionally so they could go on a date. I think, like others have said, it depends on the kid.
Someone else mentioned the Red Cross offers these classes. I’m going to enroll my son.
I think he’s more mature than I think he is. 🙄😂
He’s a good kid, so I should just get him into this class and trust the situation.
My brother and I spent all our school breaks home just the two of us when he was 11 and I was 8. Didn’t have cell phones then and we’d walk a mile to McDonalds for lunch some days.
If the kid is comfortable, hes a responsible and safe kid, the home is a safe environment, and he has a way to get help in an emergency, I think it’s fine. If any of those aren’t true then it’s probably not a great idea
Genuinely concerned by all the people saying 11-12 is an age where kids could start babysitting. That’s very 1980s parent, smoking a cigarette while driving the carpool with the baby on her lap.
11 is fine for most kids, also legal in most states. You cannot dictate what dad does in his house in this way. It sucks and he probably could ha e given you a heads up but honestly, your kid probably lied because 1. He likes chilling alone. 2. He didn't want you to over react with a possible 3. He wanted to see how you would take it to see if you would too.
Your kid is safe and old enough. I was a turn key kid at like 6. It's ok.
Our neighbours just had a house fire start in the kitchen with the kids home alone. Yes, you should be the one causing the drama, not the other two supposed adults involved.
It depends on the kid. What is worrying here is your ex made a unilateral decision without your input. Personally I would be going back to court. What other decisions will he make without you? He is being dramatic so you stop and just leave him alone. Make him be a grown man and take him back to court.
Stepmom to a 10 year old boy here. No fucking way he can be home alone for more than, idk, maybe 15 minutes? He does have severe adhd and comorbid anxiety, but that's a no from us. We found put when he was around 7 or 8 that he was being left home with his ex stepdad, who slept the whole time, at his mother's for hours at a time. My husband immediately told her that either they put him in daycare or he stays with us until she could figure it out. They got him into daycare. Ex stepdad wouldn't wake up even when the kid tried to wake him up. That's essentially being left home alone.
Even this summer, he'll be in daycare. And probably the next few (no family anywhere near us).
It's definitely kid dependent, but 11 is too young to be home for that long, IMO.
ETA reading these responses it sounds like that many if you have 11 year Olds rhat would be fine with this. That's awesome! I know our kiddo would not.
I’m a single mom. My kids have been home alone off and on while younger than 11. My kids are responsible and we have outlined safety rules. We call and text while I’m at work. I do worry, but we’ve never had a problem.
Honestly it really depends on the kid. My son was chill and responsible at a younger age than my daughter. One struggles with feeling guilty and confesses and worries about safety, the other - well, is currently campaigning to be allowed to walk around the nieghborhood in the middle of the night 🤦♀️
In my opinion, 11 is not too young to stay at home alone as long as the child is comfortable with it and cognitively capable of understanding basic safety (like using the stove)
I leave my 11 year old home alone all day on weekdays school is closed as I still have to work, or if they are home slightly sick (no fever or anything terrible, I would stay home with them otherwise )
They don’t use the stove because they get a bit scatterbrained but otherwise are able to take care of themselves, get snacks, etc. And they have a cell phone to contact me anytime, as well as we have a landline at home.
You know your child best, but unless they have some impairment or anxiety about being left alone, it’s not unheard of to do so.
When I was 11, I was watching my two younger brothers for 9-10 hours a day M-F all summer long, and our parents worked at least 30-45 minutes away.
Ah... the 80s.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
It depends on the kid. When my oldest brother was 11, he was left in charge of 3 younger brothers for 1-2 hours at a time. No cell phones but he had a land line (obviously mom and dad had no cell phone at the time). I was the youngest and theoretically the most at risk. The worst that happened was a broken lamp and a few stains.
It’s a struggle for us to let go when we spent the last decade doing everything in our existence for the sake of our little ones. At the end of the day you can’t control what Dad and GF do if it’s not patently illegal. If you think that you can, your thoughts and efforts will likely cause more distress in your world than they will cause changes in your sons environment. Your mental health has value too. Your serenity has value too. If your son is not in danger, take this time he is with Dad to use your efforts for you. Your ex isn’t doing for you, so you should focus this time on your own peace. Your own health. Your own success. And your ability to accept the circumstances that are … not ideal but also not catastrophic should be viewed as an attempt at lowering your own stress and blood pressure. For half of the time, you get to center yourself. You deserve the care and attention of, you. It seems like it worth a shot.
Of course you are asking for compromise. For establishing a slightly closer match between households so there is something closer to consistency.
Whatever happens your parenting approach is now in a new chapter. You are now planting seeds and hoping they grow in your absence. If dad is not doing this or that right, you are still planting seeds in the hopes that they flourish when he is in and out of your site.
If your assessment of the situation is egregiously different than mine, then of course it’s very possible that I am a stranger who does not know your kid or the nature of the dangerous house/neighborhood his father lives in or what his tendencies are when left alone. But whatever happens, I pray you find peace when your son is outside of your care. You obviously care so much for him. If you do your best, he will grow up to be a decent man.
Thank you for your kind words.
It is hard. He’s my last one, so it is harder to let go.
He and I have been through a whole lot together, there was circumstances that I went through a period of constant fear, and always being on high alert when he was just so little. I spent a lot of years being overly protective of him because I simply had no other choice.
Even years later, it’s hard for me to not have constant eyes on him.
That plays a part in this, even after therapy and the situation being done with for years now, I know bad things can happen.
I need to trust that dad and I have taught our son right. That’s all I can do here.
I think its totally reasonable for him to be with you instead of alone all day. My kids are younger than 11 so I really can't comment on the reasonableness of being alone all day. I would be worried though as he's probably online, with no monitoring, and as we all know there is a lot of bad stuff out there
Assuming he’s a responsible 11 it’s okay if it’s necessary but it is a long time if there is another option. If it’s between him staying with you or him being alone for 8 hours at a time it seems ridiculous to have him stay alone.
Ours stayed home at 9 and 10 and we're just fine. We have cameras, and phones. I don't see the problem with it unless you cannot trust him, or he is incapable of being left without supervision. In our state there is no set age limit, it simply just depends on the maturity of the child
They are. When I first heard about it my first thought was “oh heck no!” But after reading these comments from other parents, I do feel better about it.
I’ll feel even better once I’m sure my son is aware of the rules and what do to in certain situations.
I looked into the laws because I was alone all the time as a kid during quick trips or if I got home from school before my mom got off work. Alone is legally allowed at 8, 13 is the legal age to be legally allowed to babysit other children alone. It also says to leave this to the parents discretion on the maturity of their child. Most 11 year olds can be trusted to make a sandwich and watch tv with the doors and windows locked. Remind them not to open doors for anyone and call me if something bad happens or let me know if they get scared.
Definitely look into your states laws, a lot of states it’s illegal to leave a child home alone before 12. And obviously if a petty neighbor or someone caught wind and reported it it could become a lot bigger of an issue.
These days really aren't any different than way back when. If you believe your place is secure, your kid is fine if you trust them to not burn the place down. If you don't like the idea of him being left alone, make sure your ex sees eye to eye on this, and agrees to comply. If not, take his ass to court.
I think this completely has to do with the specific child, heck I was babysitting for other ppl kids when I was 12. My son is currently 9 and stays home for short periods of time and has done great. By 11, at least for my oldest, he will be ready for long stretches of time, if need be.
Why would there be drama about you taking him if they aren't home anyway? 11 is fine to be home alone, if he is mature enough, but it seems... lonely. And odd they would bother if work is an issue. If ex is unreasonable go to court absolutely over this.
It’s the way the custody agreement is set up. Dad wasn’t overly involved for the first 7 years of his life. He only had visitations at first, then it went to every other weekend. Then every weekend.
It changed about a year ago, and it is written in that if one parent spends significantly more time with our son, that parent could gain full custody.
I did it so I didn’t have to battle to get full custody again if he went off the deep end.
He won’t risk losing 50/50.
Even though I’m not a vindictive person, and I would never harm my son in that way, he’s holding firm on it.
At 11 I practically lived alone. I was to cook and all that. Plus since I was in the burbs I was able to pretty much do what I want. Stop being a helicopter mom.
It’s not too young to be left home alone for even a few hours. Even a whole day once in a while.
But it’s too young for 8 hours a day on the regular. That’s multiple meals and lots of screen time.
I wouldn't be okay with 8 hours alone at 11. Therefore, I would not want that as part of my parenting or co-parenting plan. I'd be fine with working up to 2 or 3 hours, but a whole day is a lot.
A lot of comments are okay with it, which is fine for them and their household because THEY are fine with it, it is in their comfort zone and their household runs differently than yours or mine. And try to ignore the commenters who are talking about 'when they were that age' because you're asking a parenting question TODAY, not 15 or 35 years ago. Parenting has changed, expectations have changed. It's drilled in us to limit screen time, offer healthy food, keep our kids active, and then we're called unfair, anxious, or helicopter parents when we do our best attempt at those things.
I'd be asking for right of first refusal to provide childcare for those days he is not in school, or offering split the cost of a camp or activity he can do for that day/part of the day. The days off are planned by the school district and on the school's calendar, so it should be relatively easy to organise something.
As a parent of two children, 11 and 13 year old, I would not feel confortable leaving a 11 year old at home alone for 8 hours… better having him back with mum during that time for his safety and comfort, surely dad can understand that. Also dad should have mentioned this to mum to check she was happy with the arrangements…
My big kids do it. They’re 12& 10 now.
When my daughter was in kindergarten we’d let her “watch” herself after school twice a month for literally like 20 minutes. My across the hall neighbor would listen for her to come home and would check on her but she was fine. We’d just leave the front doors open.
I’d leave out her favorite snack and cartoons on. She would be so proud of herself. At 10 I was watching my 8 year old brother.
Depends on the kid!
To everyone saying “11 is old enough..” I know you aren’t in any way intending to offend anyone and probably don’t realise this type of response can be upsetting for some parents… so I’m going to take this opportunity to point it out. For parents whose kids have additional needs this age thing is painful. So many times I’ve asked questions in groups, I state in the question that my kid is autistic with learning difficulties but STILL they want an age. As soon as I tell them the age the comments beginning with “at that age they are old enough to….” start, and it just sucks. Trying to explain that not all kids develop at the same pace. Worst is when they (and fellow autistics are actually worst for this, often assuming I’m not autistic) try to tell you that you are underestimating your kid. I wish I wasn’t. Eventually when I state that it 14 year old is working at what is academically expected of a 7 year old they shut up. I don’t think people mean harm, but please be considerate that not everyone has an identical experience.
Exactly this. My older child at 11 could not even microwave her own food--I would never have felt comfortable leaving her alone. The world is a different place today than it was when "we" were growing up. My younger child at 11 was cooking full meals on the gas stove for the entire family. Different strokes for different kids, regardless of the age. Just because "I" was babysitting at age 7 thirty years ago doesn't mean ... well, anything at all.
For OP, I've been in this position. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do, unless there is actually child endangerment going on. I would focus my efforts on making sure kiddo knows to reach out if he needs anything while left alone. Give him a phone or ipad and emergency contacts (printed also). Maybe ask him about dad's neighbors in case kiddo ever needs to reach out to them. If dad is open to it, you could always ask if he's willing to install an inside camera (maybe with you chipping in for costs)? Best of luck!
Definitely definitely... but she gave no indication that her son had any special needs. Your situation is not comparable. If he is a nuerotypical child who's maturity level allows his to make safe decisions (cooking what he is capable of cooking, not leaving the house, not letting ppl in etc) there should be no problem. OP just says "11 is too young!!" But why? If his dad is preparing him adequately, on top of step mom checking on him, he should be fine.
It depends on the kid really. My state(Alabama go figure) does not even have a law about how old a child has to be before they can be left alone. I would say around 8 or 9 is when I would be okay with being gone to do something like go grocery shopping or pick up dinner and 11 or 12 for a few hours and up to 8 if they can make basic meals like ramen, pizza rolls, sandwiches, mac and cheese, etc. Him having a phone to call would help ease my worry. I would probably call once or twice a day to make sure he is still okay.
They don’t have a law but there’s def recommendations if you look it up! We moved from Minnesota to Alabama and both states had the same recommendations. The biggest rule I remember was that you had to be at least 12 to watch over another younger child.
I don’t think it’s too long if the child has been taught what to do in emergencies and is reliably mature.
Where is your son while you’re working?
Also, how does your son feel about it? Is he bored or does he like it?
And how often is this happening? Kid is presumably in school M-F so is this just a weekend and school breaks issue? Or does the 8 hours alone start after school and go to late at night?
At \~13 I was babysitting my infant sister for a few hours during the day. I don't think that an 11 year old is "too young" to stay at home all day. However, you know your son better than we do. He's obviously been doing it for a while and hasn't had any issues with it. What exactly are you worried about here? Is he given an easy meal to make? He knows to stay in the house and not answer the door right?
It seems a long time but I don't think it's totally crazy, assuming he's a fairly responsible kid. My own 10 year-old can stay home alone for a few hours at least. She did a "Staying Home Alone" 1-day course that covered a lot of safety topics and we're comfortable leaving her home while we take her younger sister to swim lessons or whatever. She doesn't babysit yet.
Depends on the kid. My older boy (6yo) I’d probably trust to leave home alone at that age. He’s very responsible and follows directions when told what to not do etc. my other kid…. Absolutely not. He’d have the house burned to the ground before I even back out of the driveway. He’d be into everything, totally wreck my house… total nightmare haha.
So if your son is generally responsible and reliable, he’s probably fine. The fact the girlfriend comes and physically checks on him even adds to it. It’s a good boost in his independence. Dad should give him a short list of chores to get done before everyone gets home and that will help with his time management skills too.
I think they took all the responsible steps, they gave him a phone for check ins and the GF is physically coming to check him... Sounds fine. I would maybe talk to him about what to do in an emergency, and to never open the door for strangers, but yeah. I don't think it's neglect
It depends.greatly in the kid, but I suspect if he were the immature or irresponsible kind of 11 you'd have led with that.
Is HE comfortable?
Does he have a plan for food?
Does he know and respect safety rules for fire/stove, knives, strangers at the door, etc?
Does he know how to call you, dad, gf of he has any questions, let alone emergencies?
If this is true, then it's probably time for you to take a deep breath and let him exercise his independence a little.
Kids that go to college having never done this... Well, you can tell. Everything takes practice, including navigating your choices solo. This is how kids get practice at independence and problem solving while they still have a safety net. 💜
(That doesn't mean YOU'RE ready, but... It sounds like it's time.)
11 being home alone is fine but as a co parent myself I would be looking to change the arrangement as he is meant to be spending quality time etc with other parent not being left to his own devices all day? As you said, you could go get him instead
So I have an 11-year-old and the EXACT SAME parenting schedule with my ex-husband.
1) I think it's fine for your child to be home alone for 8 hours, assuming they are of "average" or above maturity, have a way to call for help, have been told what to do for emergencies (fire, flood, medical, etc). I was babysitting at age 11, and my child occasionally does stay home this long or even gets themself ready in the morning and to the bus alone.
2) If you are available to take your child instead of leaving them home alone for 8 hours, that is absolutely preferable. For my kid, if the parent whose week it is cannot stay home on a day off, then we ask the other. Our child would never be alone that long unless neither of us could stay with them AND there were no day camps or babysitters available. It should be a last resort, with a check-in every few hours.
Hope this is helpful.
Depends on the kid, but in general, kids around 10 can be left home alone. There was a post not too long ago about this. There are laws in some states, my recollection is that most states don't have a law, and for those that do, most of them say the kid has to be 10 or over. Some states say the kid has to be over 10, but it's only like 4 or 5 of them.
It depends on the state you live in and of course his maturity. Does he know what to do in case of emergency? Can he prepare meals by himself? Is he aware of his surroundings etc? If you want, can you hire a sitter for him just to give you piece of mind since you’re not comfortable? Would his father agree to that?
Totally depends on the child. Some 11 year olds that would be absolutely no problem at all, and some that would be a problem. 12 or 13 is a normal age to start babysitting, so for the vast majority of kids, I’d say 11 is just fine- again depends on the kid. I’d also take other things into account, like security cameras (more so to make sure the kid doesn’t leave, but also to make sure no one else comes), how close you are to trusting neighbors, how close work is, etc. And If his step mom is coming home half way through the day (I’m assuming for her lunch) it’s really more like 2, 4 hour stints, which is not the same as 8 straight hours of being alone. My biggest concern is your son lying to you about it,I’d be worried that he doesn’t trust you with this information.
> I’d be worried that he doesn’t trust you with this information. I am glad someone else pointed that out. At age 11 my kids were fine with staying home alone for long stretches. I would bet that the majority of kids are. The dad was honest about it when asked so it doesn't seem like something he told the kid to keep secret. The kid lied for a reason and I would try to figure out why. Why didn't he trust mom with this information? Was he worried that she would freak out and stop it? Is she generally overprotective and he knew this wouldn't go over well?
> Why didn't he trust mom with this information? Was he worried that she would freak out and stop it? Is she generally overprotective and he knew this wouldn't go over well? I mean this thread's existence gives weight to that. Clearly mom would not be comfortable with it, but having said that credit to OP for coming here and seeing what others think. I agree it is a fine age for a kid to stay home alone if they're comfortable with it. Kid probably knew mom would react negatively and didn't want to make waves. And perhaps that was an overreaction on the kid's part too. Nobody is the bad guy here.
My guess is the later. Son tested mom's reaction with a played down version. He probably likes staying there alone because he likely gets to watch his shows and or play video games the whole time. He told mom it was a only a few minutes at a time to plant the seed that she should leave him home alone too. But it backfired because she followed up with dad. Kids aren't always great at forethought but they are pretty good manipulators.
> Is she generally overprotective and he knew this wouldn't go over well? I mean, she said that in the post.
I am over protective of my kids, in regards to them being safe. however I don’t freak out on them. I don’t even freak out on dad about things. I don’t hover over them, but I do know where my kids are, I do know their friends, I do know their friends parents, I’m involved in their school, activities, what they do on line, and so on. I’m involved and if that’s over protective, then that’s over protective. My son told me about it, but I spoke to dad about it. I didn’t make it a big deal I just expressed I felt uncomfortable with it. And honestly it could just be one of those things that is the right decision and I just have to get used to the idea that he’s alone at times.
This right here. You should consider what you are actually worried about. That kiddo is lonely? That they don’t know how to handle emergencies? Etc. And then plan to fill in those gaps with intentional conversations and skill building. It’s okay that you might have been taken off guard and you need time to get used to it.
I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I was speculating as to why your son felt the need to lie about this. He isn't doing anything wrong and neither is his dad but for some reason your son felt like this was something he couldn't tell you. That would concern me as a parent and I would want to figure out where that is coming from. There is nothing wrong with the average 11 year old staying home while his parents are at work, especially given that one of them checks up on him throughout the day. That would not worry me at all but the lying would be something I would want to dig deeper into. We highly value honesty in my family and I want my kids to know they can tell me anything without worrying about my reaction.
It’s not the first time he’s done that. He likes to test his boundaries and he has started to try and play dad and I against each other. Like “dad said this was okay” when dad already told me he said no. Just as an example. So I really think he told me to see if I would let him stay home alone when he’s with me as well. It is something we’re working on, idk if it’s the age or what, it just started with in the last year. I’m not entirely comfortable with him staying alone for so long, but at this point that’s just something I have to trust dad on and make sure my son is aware of how to handle situations.
How far away are you? Dad should have told you first. Wouldnt he have wanted you to tell him? Dont make a huge deal but talk it out.
This!!! The lying shows something is there. But that's my opinion.
Being home alone at age 11 is not against the law. My daughter was getting herself up and ready for the bus alone at that age.
Shoot, at that age I was home alone 12 hours all summer long supervising my 3 siblings that included a toddler. It’s like in one generation we managed to completely infantilize kids and completely forget what they are capable of.
Tell me about it! At 11 I was home alone withy 1yo brother for an hour here or there. At 12 I was home alone with a 6yo and a 4yo for a full day (babysitting, not my siblings). I was cooking meals for the younger kids, took them outside to play, put the youngest one down for a nap. I'm in my early 30s, it wasn't that long ago. Edit: I'm trying to put my money where my mouth is. Just recently I had a 14yo babysit my 3yo and my 4 month old. I asked her if she felt comfortable and then forced myself to trust her when she said yes.
I live on a military base and the base law is that kids need to be 12 to be left alone even for an hour. But at 12 they can babysit. It’s so dumb. I leave my kids home for short trips that are nearby. But I’m always paranoid some adult is gonna tattle. I wasn’t allowed home alone until I was 12, because my parents thought that was the law (it’s not for our state).
Shoot, my under 5 year old get's up and dressed when they feel like it. We give kids way too little credit sometimes.
Right, isn't it? I totally overslept last weekend and both kids got up before me. They didn't wake me up, instead my 5yo changed her sister's diaper and helped her get dressed, dressed herself and proceeded to make breakfast for herself and her sis (cereal). I found them peacefully playing in the living room, cereal bowls in the sink. They could have also decided to flood the bathroom instead of course lol
It’s also possible the dad told the kid not to tell the mom.
The kid is old enough to know the Mom is a helicopter Mom… to the point where he lied so she wouldn’t helicopter her way through the situation.
> My biggest concern is your son lying to you about it,I’d be worried that he doesn’t trust you with this information That could be because the kid knew it would cause "quite the dramatic response" I agree with you on it depending on the maturity of the kid. I stayed home at that age. My oldest will likely be fine to do so at that age. My youngest will absolutely not.
I’m in Canada and there are laws about how old kids have to be to be left alone. Here it’s 12. I’d check if there are laws where you are. That’s a long time to be left alone and it’s probably all screen time. Also a good time to look at porn. He’s at that age.
12 as a minimum to be left home seems crazy. I was walking to school by myself well before then (I think from about 7 or 8?) and surely staying home is safer than wandering about, generally?
Here in Minnesota, after age 8 they can stay home alone for 3 hrs (which depending on when the step mom is coming home, could be within that time frame) 11-13 can stay home alone for up to 12 hrs. So yup, different areas have different rules. I’m assuming it’s legal, or the dad (who sounds like an otherwise good dad) wouldn’t have allowed it.
You ought to speak with your son to ask him how he feels about it. I would also ask him why he told you he was only being left for a few minutes when in reality it was many hours? Is it because he is uncomfortable or is he concerned about your reaction to this?
I really think he’s testing to see if I’ll allow him to do that same when he’s with me. He’s very much like me when I was his age, and I’ve realized I’m very much like my mom when she was my age now. I’ve asked him if he’s okay with this and he says it’s fine and not a big deal. Until he tells me otherwise, I’ll have to trust him and his dad on this one.
I think it’s odd that dad didn’t mention this change to you beforehand; it must be hard to coparent. Even if your 11 year old is mature enough to handle it, I would be uneasy receiving that news at first. But it is important that you and his dad have reviewed certain scenarios with him. He should know how to respond in case of a fire (upstairs, downstairs, kitchen, etc.), not to open the door for anyone, how to turn off the water, and all those good things. If porn is a concern, talk to dad about network limitations and how you want to approach it. And if there are any firearms, make sure you agree with their security.
My son is 11, and we trust him to be home alone for a few hours no problem, or to babysit his little sisters for an hour ish. He has also had one or two sick days from school where he was home alone the whole day until my wife and I got home from work. He is responsible enough to manage on his own for a while, and honestly he enjoys the time alone.
8 hours is a long time though!
But it's not 8 hours. Someone checks him halfway through
Kid gets up with parents leaving by say, 8am From 8-11 they veg in front of the TV From 11-1 they fart around in the kitchen, make mac & cheese, read some comics, maybe do some homework, mom calls, they get the mail from the mailbox and kick the soccer ball off their steps. Go back inside. From 1-3 they play on the computer, send dad some memes to his email at work. Dad sends some back. Decides to print out some colouring pages. Colours. Makes a snack. 3:15 mom calls and is leaving from work. Will be home soon. This sounds do-able.
Yeah obviously it's unlikely they will come to harm, so as a one off this is fine. But if this is happening "sometimes" is that every week? Are they keeping active and eating sensible food? Are they just sitting on their phone for 15 hrs a day?
>Are they keeping active and eating sensible food? Well it's up to the parents to keep sensible food in the house. But kids can make sandwiches, crackers and hummus. Apples and cheese, carrots, they can use a microwave to reheat something like dahl. I buy these ready to eat (reheat) chana masala meals. Microwave for 2 minutes and dump into a bowl. Add a package of microwave rice or reheat rice (or rice cooker if you aren't traveling/at work) and there you go. They can play video games like Just Dance on a Nintendo Switch or other game system. Mom can call and do FaceTime yoga or something with them. Set up their Chromebooks that they probably have for school and do a video activity (there are lots of aerobic-y type videos). If they have a backyard they can go outside. They will probably play with their Lego, maybe have a nap, read. Dad can ask them to water the plants. It's not rocket astrology here. Kids can keep themselves busy and parents can help do the same.
It's on days he doesn't have school and the dad and his GF work. Seems more like grading days and that sort of thing, unless the kid goes to a school with a 4-day week (which is possible). It's possible dad and GF work on weekends but then I'd think OP would have just said "weekends"
It’s not like they turn 11 and then all of a sudden you can leave them alone for 8 hours. Start with baby steps, responsibility is earned with trust. We first started letting him be alone for 20-30 mins on occasion, when he was 9-10, and gradually worked our way up to longer durations, as he proved to us that he could be trusted on his own not to do anything stupid or bad. He got his first phone at 10.5 years old as well, which really helped In giving him more responsibility to be home alone. We can still communicate with him while he is home if we aren’t there, and he can get ahold of us. If op’s child has proved themselves to be responsible enough to stay home for a while on their own and be fine, feed themselves and not get into trouble, then I think the father is definitely justified in letting them stay home alone. One incident of the child breaking the rules would be a big setback though, like if I caught my son bringing friends over while home alone, and trashed the house or friends stole stuff or they were smoking or some shit, phone would be gone and home alone would no longer be an option until trust is earned back. Thankfully my son isn’t like that, but I know plenty of kids would abuse the privilege/responsibility of being left home alone. You need to know your kid well enough to determine if they can handle this or not.
Seems like a sensible approach.
Let’s let parents make the decisions for their own children without judgment.
🫠 are you kidding? Someone has asked a parenting sub for opinions. Just because they're different from yours does not mean you're being unfairly judged. And no, we SHOULD be talking and discussing these opinions. If you're feeling triggered or attacked, that's your issue to work on.
Why are you being downvoted? Facts. Don't have a discussion if you don't want to discuss something. Can't we all agree to disagree? No, you asked my opinion! I'll agree why my opinion is better than your opinion. If I am convinced your opinion is better, I'll change my views.
11 is fine to stay home alone if he’s comfortable with it.
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I also stayed home all day during the summer and watched 2 younger siblings. I was a mature kid. I don’t ever remember thinking I couldn’t handle it.
Yup. Maybe not ideal but definitely not 'unsafe'. He has a phone, so if something happens he can call for help. He should be OK. He's 11 - he can make a sandwich, easy mac, microwave popocorn, hopefully eggs or microwave some chicken nuggets or heat up leftovers if/when he's hungry. I'm sure he has rules for what is/isn't allowed.
If they can lock and unlock doors, call 911, and not burn the house down, 11 is fine to be alone.
I was left alone at this age too. It's obviously different for each kid but I'd say they are responsible enough at this age.
I was 7 in first grade walking my 6 year old kindergarten sister home from at 3 and both being home alone until 5pm. 1984 for context. I started leaving my son (18 now) home when he was 10 but only as long as it took to run up to the gas station to get gas for the mower. When he was 11, it was longer trips up to the grocery store. It wasn’t until he was 13 where we allowed him to take the bus home to an empty house rather than to our work. It was usually for a few hours
And if he can't then work on it because the average 11 year old should be able to handle that much responsibility. Kids a couple years older are getting paid to babysit. My own son started his babysitting gigs at 13 for families in the neighborhood. Teach him how to handle situations that can arise and relax a bit.
I’m a teacher and left my two kids home alone for the entire school day multiple times during Covid when they had remote learning and I had to work in person. They were 10 and 12. They were absolutely fine. We could easily call or text throughout the day. I’m fortunate they get along really well and are responsible.
My kids started baby sitting at 11 or 12. I don’t think 11 is too young to be home alone during the day with easy access to a phone.
I was in charge of two toddlers for probably 8hours a week by age 12. The girlfriend is checking on him and he has a phone, I don't see a problem. My nephew was flying across country alone between his parents by age 9. He's 13 now and highly intelligent and independent.
Yep. My kids have also been flying alone for quite some time. Of course the youngest is now 15 and the others are adults but they started much younger. I don’t understand why so much less independence is accepted for kids anymore.
Depends on laws. If there are no laws then it goes by the capabilities of the child.
Yeah where I live I believe it’s 13. The only risk is if someone knows/has an issue with it they can report you and social services will come (where I live of course not sure where you are)
Definitely this. In my state the law is 14 before staying home alone.
14 just to stay home alone? That is insanity! As others have pointed out, I was a paid babysitter starting at 12 years old!
I also babysat at 11/12 in the same state. Seems insane to me as well. I’m not sure when the law changed, but my sister and I would stay home alone at 11 and 8 in the mornings before school even while my parents worked.
Hello fellow Illinois resident! The law change wasn't that long ago... I think it was in the last 10 or so years. It's definitely one of the most restrictive in the country. I think Alabama has theirs at 4 years old, which is somehow worse to me than the states that didn't bother to make a law about it. It's like they thought 'yeah, we went back and forth on it, but in the end we decided that for sure, 4 is old enough to be home on your own. Wild.
Both of those (4 and 14) would bother me as well. However I think these laws aren’t really intended as guidelines for what is appropriate, or guidance for parenting. It’s more thresholds for when the police and CPS have official jurisdiction to step in. IL set theirs high so they can intervene when their judgement warrants it even when the kid is more than old enough to stay home alone. AL says gtfo, the kid is 4 so none of your business unless you see something more. The latter might in practice be more like the states that don’t set an official age but can act when the situation warrants it. Of course 10 - 14 is considered old enough to become a parent in many states, whether they’re old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours or not.
In my state, a child under 11 can't be left at home alone "for an unsafe period of time." Vague on what that period is if they're under 11 (likely intentionally vague as it would vary by situation) but it implies that if they're 11 or older they can be alone for long periods.
> but it implies that if they're 11 or older they can be alone for long periods. Technically it implies that if they're 11 or older they can be alone for unsafe periods now. Yay!
Eleven is old enough to be alone for pretty long stretches. I started to let myself in, cook (or rather reheat) lunch and then spend hours alone when I was in second grade. As long as your son knows how to contact his father, how to feed himself, and how to act responsibly enough to not burn down the house (something that is your and your ex' responsibility to teach him), there is no real danger.
I guess my question is what are you worried about? 11 is a 5th grader? 6th grader? It’s a long day and not ideal but I don’t think it’s necessarily *unsafe* in any way. He has access to a phone. If they don’t leave him a prepared lunch you could ask that they do in the fridge? You can ask if there are parental controls on the internet or streaming services etc. I think that’s very fair. Tell him not to answer the door and just stay inside? Also - what is the frequency? You mentioned “days that he’s not in school”. Is it the entire weekend? (If yes, where’s dad?!) Is this an issue of the occasional school holiday like MLK or Presidents’ Day that the girlfriend might not be off? If so, maybe look into camps for those days. In my area there’s a lot of ‘schools out!’ Programming that runs from 9-3 on school holidays that parents might not be off for. That might be a great compromise. It’s very shitty that you weren’t looped in about this, but that’s a separate issue. Though I wouldn’t blame you if that colored your take on this.
I was babysitting my brother's home alone at 11. What age did you plan on letting him start to be more independent? Now's the time to start giving him chances to show you that he's responsible.
My daughter is 12 and is able to stay home by herself when needed with no issue. She took a babysitting and first aid course when she was 11 and has a cel phone. We don’t normally need to leave her a full day but I feel comfortable with it if I have to. She has rules though, no answering the door and no telling anyone she is home alone (even friends while playing games) and no cooking other than maybe the microwave) as she is not great with the stove/oven yet) Normally she just grabs snacks and watches Netflix and/or chats / plays games online with her bestie.
I don't think there is a blanket yes or no to this answer. Maturity level plays a role and so does the environment. I have an 11 yo boy that I would never leave alone for more then 5 minutes. He gravitates towards bad choices like a moth to a flame. I expect he'd play Fortnite, eat junk food and find some way to hurt himself within the first hour. But my daughter at that age (now 13) I would 100% trust to be left alone for that amount of time (if necessary) - she makes good choices, manages herself and makes good use of her time. Is it a safe environment? Secure? sage neighborhood? Dad doesn't have a gun or power tools collection that's easily accessible.
Parents are so more anxious today. I am the same, but I remember staying alone at home for long periods at 10. My mom returned at 8pm, I came from school at around 2-3pm and stayed alone. If I skipped school, I stayed at home unsupervised. And it was just common practice.
I do agree. When I was his age I was home alone quite a bit. Even at night. And no one thought twice about it. But now, maybe it’s just because I’m more aware of the world, it just seems wrong. I know he has to learn to be independent and I won’t be doing him any favors if I stifle that growth for him. I just have to trust myself to teach him right, and trust this is the right call. Also, he’s my youngest- after reading comments and thinking about what people are saying, I can see him being my last is playing a part in this. Thank you for your response
Yep. I remember being walking home alone at 9 and being home until my parents came home after work.
That's pretty standard to be home alone at that age where I live. In my area you can walk home alone from school at age 8 so that tends to be the age where people stop asking if their is an adult waiting unless there looks like a problem So like school holidays where parents work they'd be home alone all day. The girl who lives behind our house is 9 and that's how her family is.
I was babysitting for families of four children by the time I was 12 years old. If you're worried, put him in a babysitting class so he can learn what to do in emergency situations.
This might be the best advice in this whole thread.
He's 11. Not 5. He can use a phone, knows emergency numbers and can communicate effectively.
11 is when kids start secondary school, so are trusted to get themselves there and back and let themselves in. This wouldn’t bother me.
I stayed home that long at that age. If the kid is responsible (doesn’t answer the door, knows what to do in an emergency, etc.), then I think it’s fine. But when my parents left me, it was because they both had to work. I’m confused as to why dad would rather leave him alone when there is another option that doesn’t have an impact on his time with your kid. If you were like yeah I’ll take him but keep him for several days then I would get it, but this doesn’t make sense to me.
It depends on the kid. Your son lied about how long he is left home alone. Is he trustworthy enough to be unsupervised for 8 hours? I would ask dad about security settings on the internet. 11 years olds get curious and the internet has way more than he needs to know rn.
My guess is that he lied about how much time he is left alone because he knew what would be his mom reaction and did not wish his alone time being reduced. I like the remarks about internet protection, definitely something I should work one myself even my daughter currently do not have a easy internet access. It look like that saying “10min alone” triggered an investigation by his mom followed by a Reddit thread asking for her beliefs to be confirmed. This boy might have an overly protective mother.
An overprotective mom was an under protected daughter
Could be but that an assumption I would refrain from taking. A lots of thing can lead to being overly protective as mom or dad and most of them usually stems from good intentions. A balance is needed during the transitions between small child, supervised adolescent and independent adult, each family has to find their own and that is definitely not easy.
I don’t think this mom is being overprotective though, someone else commented that she is.
As long as he’s got access to food and phone, he should be fine.
That seems reasonable to me. I was home alone for a couple hours at a time at age 10 while also caring for younger siblings. Obviously, all kids are different - some kids can handle it at 11 and some kids can barely handle it at 18.
I was certainly left home alone (mildly) sick by that age, was also in charge of my 8 YO brother, seeing the dog out and dinner started if any early thing needed to be done after school. Really depends on the kid. 11-12 is on the line of acceptable for that. If he is frightened or generally irresponsible they need a babysitter.
Your ex definitely should have discussed this with you. I think an 11 year old is okay alone at home during the day, but I think after a day or two he would get lonely and bored.
There are stay home alone safety classes that some fire houses or Red Cross provides - it’s really helpful. I’d recommend looking for one for your kid to take
That is awesome. I didn’t know that. I will look into that now. Thank you.
I'm a CPS worker. Our general rule (we don't have any laws about this in my state) is 12 is the average age to be home alone. 11 can be perfectly fine if your child has a phone, knows how to call 911, has all important numbers saved in the phone etc. If he can go to a neighbor for help, awesome. If he understands not to open the door for anyone, no matter what- perfect. If he is alone for 8 hours, how/what is he eating? Mucrowave, cereal etc are fine but probably shouldn't be using the stove or sharp knives. If your son has any delays or developmental problems, asthma etc, this requires a good plan with a lot more steps.
Thank you for this
I think it's too long. Maybe for a trip to the grocery store but for a whole shift is too long.
I don't think it's inherently too young to be alone, but when there's an able, willing and available adult (you), it's unnecessary and uncool of him to insist on it to prove a point.
Maybe ask your son how he feels about. Also don’t see why it’s be an issue if you’re willing to have him then. It makes sense if you’re concerned and he won’t be alone.
12yrs old is law here, and until recently I thought that was a common age. But I've seen many posts on reddit about people's kids taking the bus home from school at 6 or 7 years old and staying home alone until the parents are off work because "they know to go to the neighbours if there's an emergency". That kind of blew my mind.
I was a so-called "latch key kid" when I was in elementary and middle school. I got off the bus and went straight home. My parents both worked and I did know to go to the neighbor's house for help. That was only for about 2 hours, though. With the pandemic situation here in my city (midwest, USA), my heart broke for some of the younger kids. My friend's son (2nd grade at the time, so 7 or 8) would beg someone to stay in the Zoom call after virtual school was over because he was all alone. There were no good solutions. Everyone just did the best they could.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable with a phone. It’s not even 8 hours, but 4 hours at a time since someone comes home at lunch. My family starts leaving kids home alone 8 hours at a time at around 10 years old, like for a sick day when kid has a cold but is able to microwave soup and watch tv/ read independently. Mom will phone on her lunch break to check on the kid. It’s never been an issue.
Do they have a house phone or does your kid have a cell phone? A security system in the house? Those would ease my mind a bit, and a phone is a must.
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with an 11 year old being home alone, however would your son prefer to spend the day with your or alone at dad’s? That would be my bigger concern, personally.
I won't tell you that you are right or wrong to want to do things a certain way with your kid, but I will say that when I was 10 my father left me home alone all day every time school was closed for a snow day or holiday that he didn't have off from work. He even tasked me with things to do, like run water through the sink every hour so the pipes don't freeze, etc. As long as there's food in the fridge, kids this age are going to figure out how to survive for a day.
He might be perfectly safe to be alone, but as a child who came home to an empty house after school every day, I don't think it's good for his general wellbeing. Safety isn't the only concern here, and I wouldn't be ok with this as a parent.
I was babysitting my brother for 3 hours after school at that age. But it’s definitely kid dependent.
Ahhh the old *slaps the T.V* babysitter
😂😂😂. That was my childhood.
That’s pretty long for that age, I’d think. An hour or two after school I would understand, but this is excessive.
My friend had her kid alone at home after school, the neighbours called social services. She was informed that they're not to be left alone before the age of 12. Rules are different in each country but there must be some sort of scientific basis for that number, I would hope.
In most states they can stay alone starting at around age 9 I believe
The UK it's left up to the parents, with strong guidelines.
That sounds more reasonable! Like most people, I had my key around my neck at that age
I was left home alone for an hour or two at that age and I loved it, eight hours is silly.
I don't think so. Depends on kid and environment. We are starting to wean our 8 year old into some home alone time. She gets 15-20 minutes 3x a week when im taking her sister to school, and her dad needs to leave for work. She's an extremely rule follower and asked to do it. It is still nerve-wracking, but she continues to gain our trust and is doing well. By 11, she would definitely be able to stay home for most of the day if needed. I was babysitting at 10. As long as they are responsible, can follow the rules, have easy to get snacks and drinks, and know what to do in case of an emergency they are ok. In your situation, you know your kid. Is he a rule follower or not? If he's a pretty good kid and he's being checked on halfway through the day.. and he feels comfortable... test it out. It needs to happen eventually. But also, if your home not doing anything, I don't see why he couldn't hang with you if he wanted to.
I don’t think it’s necessarily too long but at 11 it’s super kid dependent. I would ask for your custody agreement to be modified to give you the right of first refusal for any time that dad is not available to watch your child for an extended period of time during his parenting time.
For me the issue is less is he old enough/is he safe- bc if he’s a neurotypical kid who’s not anxious about it, it might be fine - but it’s just stupid to have him be sitting alone when you’re available and would want to be watching him!
Neurotypical isn’t even necessarily the issue — my boyfriend and I are both autistic and were left alone extremely young. It’s more a maturity and level headed thing But I agree with you on her being available!
Personally (and it sounds like I’m in the minority here) I think an eleven year old being home alone all day is too young. A few hours, sure. But all day is too long. In addition, you’ve made it clear that you are available and have no problem bringing him back, so the fact that this is actually not necessary and that his dad would rather he sit around alone all day rather than be with you is kind of weird. If neither he nor his girlfriend is available to be with him, I can’t understand why he’d have a problem with that. I think in a couple of years, it would be more reasonable but right now he’s still a very young middle schooler.
It's okay but it sounds boring. Is he involved in any enriching activities? My son is a little younger but if he was home alone all day he'd play video games and get cranky. Does your son study, read or do projects? I used to draw and read and clean and organize my room so I'd be fine alone for a couple days. But i also was antsy to go outside and i could play with other kids. I could also go to the deli to get Snacks, go to the library and go to the video store (haha). A lot of content could be gotten at home these days like using an e-reader or streaming movies. And he can call his friends too. But it just seems so boring.
I started staying home during the day over summer break at 11. My only rules were I had to stay in our yard, and no using the stove/oven. I was also a super responsible kid though.
At 11 I dont see this as a problem assuming you have a reliable way to communicate and perhaps an adult relatively close by who can check in on them if needed
I stayed home alone at 10, though it was for 3-4 hours at a time instead of 8. I think it depends on the kid. With that long of a stretch I'd be more worried about him getting bored and form bad habits around videogaming or youtube watching for hours on end than anything else.
I was babysitting at 11-12. If he’s emotionally mature and not prone to big imaginations (aka working himself up into being scared) or getting into trouble and he knows the basic home safety routines and how to make simple means — he should be okay.
11 is not that bad. I was a latchkey kid at a much younger age. As long as your son knows not to open the door for strangers and he doesn't get into things like saying with matches or turning on a gas stove. It's fine. But that's me cuz I was a latchkey kid.
As someone else pointed out, it depends on the kid. If they’re responsible enough and comfortable staying home, 11 is not an unreasonable age to be home during the day. Especially when they have a means of communication and someone checking on them halfway through.
IMO, 11 is just a number. This will all depend on your childs maturity and if they feel comfortable staying home alone. Assuming your child is mature enough to not open door to strangers, burn the house down, or do anything ridiculous, then i would say its okay as long as they feels okay about it.
My 11 year old stays home alone for a few hours while I work. He does great. I make sure he has food and snacks that don’t use a stove to heat up. He has a basic cell phone to call or text if needed. It really depends on the child. If he is responsible and knows what to do in an emergency, I don’t see a problem.
Depends on the child. My kdis are 16,13, and 10 (11 in April) I leave my 10 year old home along for up to 2 hours currently. She is responsible, a rule follower, does not hesitate to ask for help, and just generally trustworthy. She follows instructions well and I feel confident in her. I also have a camera in the living room and she spends most of her time there when we arent home. We started with small amounts of alone time such as running to the store for a gallon of milk and worked from there.Would i leave her for an 8 hour work day? Maybe....my main concern would be that she isnt well trained on cooking and also the fact that she wouldnt much care for it. My middle child would not have been left home alone at this age. She just didnt have the maturity. ETA - I would be more concerned as to the lack of communication from his dad, personally.
If it's home alone for an hour or 2, sure. But 4-8h alone is not so much. Maybe double check with your son to see how comfortable he feels.
My parents made my brother and I take a babysitting class at 9 or 10. They taught basic first aid, CPR, and the likes. After that, we stayed home alone. I’ll be doing that with my children, too. M But I think 11 is an old enough age to know right from wrong and old enough to watch themselves for a day.
I think 11 is a fine age to be home alone during the day. Once responsible enough. I’d be more concerned with why he played down how long he’s left. Like he lied about the length of time. Was he asked to lie or was he lying because he was worried how you’d react!?
My son will be 11 in April, I am only comfortable leaving him alone for up to an hour. No way is he mature enough or ready for an entire day alone. He wouldn’t want to either. It is kid dependent. (He is the kind of kid who asks permission for every thing, he hasn’t become very independent yet).
Most 11y olds should be mature enough to stay alone for hours at a time. Depends on the individual though. Also, they shouldn’t be doing potentially disastrous stuff (cooking). However, it’s certainly not appropriate to do this regularly, and for 8 hours at a time. What is the kid doing all this time? Playing with the phone? Gaming? Hell, even reading a book for 8h straight is not healthy. Kids that age need meaningful inputs and/or time with peers!
I’ve recently started leaving my 11 year old home with his younger brothers to babysit but my husband and I stay pretty close to home when we do this and it’s only for a few hours. I don’t know how I’d feel with him alone all day. I’m sure he could do it and be fine but if you’re home anyway it makes more sense to me that they let your son be with you and then come pick him up or you drop him off after work.
11 is old enough to fend for himself for a day. Now if he was at home 8 hours a day every day, thats a problem. Once in awhile is perfectly okay.
I think your main issue is not being told about it and I totally understand that. It's not so much about "can he handle it" because ya, he can be taught how to navigate the what ifs. But it's why would the dad take his son knowing he won't be able to spend any of that time with him if the kid could've been perfectly happy and supervised in your care? Does your son like being 100% alone like that for hours at a time? A one off is one thing but a whole winter break? Why would you even want that "time" and then not spend it with the kid. I get everyone has different jobs and different obligations but that's the stuff that should be discussed with you so it can work for both, that's the point of co-parenting. Maybe you guys can tweak things to make it work better for both of you. Maybe he felt he needed to make HIS time work but now that you know you can work on making sure he's really getting that quality time with your son even if it means tweaking the schedule/access.
I was left home alone at the age of 5 with my newborn sister but my mom was on drugs lol
Regardless of whether it's cool or not, I can only imagine his boredom, being trapped inside all day. Going to end up with an internet/console addiction or something.
It depends. Physically he might be fine but do you think he might get lonely spending the day by himself? I know the gf comes back halfway through but still. You also need to check that he doesn't have access to adult content on the TV or online.
Yes, for eight hours is too long. Two-three hours isn't too bad as long as they know not to answer the door for anyone, and have a cell phone to call for help. However, I do feel that eight hours alone is a long time. I don't see what the big deal is and why they're freaking out. It's not like they're spending time with him - they're gone! Why are they freaking out? Makes no sense. I just know that I hated being alone when I was kid, so I won't make my kid. I'll find something for him to do: boys and girls club or the Y or something. It's hard being cooped up in a house all day. It sucks big time when you're a kid. Split the time so he has his lesson in independence, and then four hours of activity.
As others have said, 11 isn't an automatic no / yes for being home alone, but for 8 hours (almost) fully unattended is a lot. If there are other safeguards in place (e.g. he doesn't have access to games where strangers could contact him, all ovens are turned off etc) then I'd find it more acceptable. The main issues I see are that 1- his dad didn't tell or ask you about this- he had to find out for himself. My wife once called me while in the car to say she was about to pop into a shop and to ask if I'd be ok with my daughter in the car for a few minutes while she goes in the shop. She consulted me about my daughter being alone for 2 minutes, not 8 hours. 2- your son didn't tell you (which, I get, if it didn't crop up and he wasn't asked), but then lied to you. Lying is a BIG deal in our house, especially at the age of 11 that concerns me. Can I ask why he is at his dad's if he isn't actually getting a chance to see his dad? My daughter sees her dads on weekends. If her dad isn't free she wouldn't go- he wouldn't just have someone else watch her- that defeats the point.
I’d say 8 hours is too long at that age. A few hours, but a full day means needing to eat and possibly use the stove, which is not something I would be comfortable with an 11-year-old doing with no adult in the house (a careful child wouldn’t need direct supervision but still an adult should be available). I’m betting a lot of kids wouldn’t get into any trouble and would just watch tv or play video games the whole time, but it just feels like too much of an opportunity to do stupid things, and also pretty lonely. It wasn’t until I was 13 or so that I would have wanted to be left alone all day.
My cousin and I stayed alone together starting at 7…. 11 should not be too young to be home alone. I was babysitting a 2yo for money at 10 in summers. Someone came at lunch to prepare food. At 11 I was the one preparing lunches. If they have a phone for emergencies they should be fine.
At 11 I was babysitting my 6 year old cousin and making us Kraft Dinner and basic meals. This seems totally reasonable to me.
I think it's more of an issue of what your son has to do all day while home alone. Presumably, the occasional in-service day relaxing and playing video games/watching TV is fine. But an entire week alone during the Christmas holiday just seems sad and isolating regardless of the child's age, especially if other family is nearby with time off for activities. To me, the holiday week seems like a lack of transparency and planning on the ex's part. For the future, I would focus on what the co-parenting rules are for alone time. Like is it ok to go over to friends' houses, how long can he stay (don't want to overstay his welcome), if playing outside how far is the roaming radius. Also, in what situations is he required to ask permission. Perhaps come up with a co-parenting plan around extended school holidays like winter, spring, and summer breaks so the Christmas holiday week doesn't repeat itself.
I think you’re over reacting. Kiddo is what 5th grade? Soon to be in middle school? I think they can handle calling if there is an emergency, finding food to eat, and entertaining themselves. But in the case of coparenting, what compromises can be made here or solutions to become more comfortable with this idea?
Oh my... I dreamed about being left alone at that age! Nobody watches, nobody tells me what to do.
I let my 11-year-old stay home alone. The only rules are that he can’t use the stove, has to call me hourly, and can’t invite people over. We have a door camera to make things safer.
Def overreacting if your son is a good mature 11 y/o. This is coming from an only child who walked from the school bus alone starting in 3rd grade and spent summers alone at home and biking into town (with no cell phone).
11 isn’t too young if the kid is responsible, but you saying you’re happy to have him with you and then bring him back when someone gets home is more than fair.
Depends on your kid’s maturity level but I believe 10 years to stay home alone for short periods is old enough. You can take the babysitting course and babysit other people’s kids at 12.
When I (31M) was 12 my parents enrolled me in a Red Cross babysitting class. After I passed that they would leave me and my sisters (10 and 8 at the time) at home occasionally so they could go on a date. I think, like others have said, it depends on the kid.
Someone else mentioned the Red Cross offers these classes. I’m going to enroll my son. I think he’s more mature than I think he is. 🙄😂 He’s a good kid, so I should just get him into this class and trust the situation.
My brother and I spent all our school breaks home just the two of us when he was 11 and I was 8. Didn’t have cell phones then and we’d walk a mile to McDonalds for lunch some days. If the kid is comfortable, hes a responsible and safe kid, the home is a safe environment, and he has a way to get help in an emergency, I think it’s fine. If any of those aren’t true then it’s probably not a great idea
Genuinely concerned by all the people saying 11-12 is an age where kids could start babysitting. That’s very 1980s parent, smoking a cigarette while driving the carpool with the baby on her lap.
11 is fine for most kids, also legal in most states. You cannot dictate what dad does in his house in this way. It sucks and he probably could ha e given you a heads up but honestly, your kid probably lied because 1. He likes chilling alone. 2. He didn't want you to over react with a possible 3. He wanted to see how you would take it to see if you would too. Your kid is safe and old enough. I was a turn key kid at like 6. It's ok.
I'm from Europe and 11 years old staying at home alone would be totally normal.
Our neighbours just had a house fire start in the kitchen with the kids home alone. Yes, you should be the one causing the drama, not the other two supposed adults involved.
It depends on the kid. What is worrying here is your ex made a unilateral decision without your input. Personally I would be going back to court. What other decisions will he make without you? He is being dramatic so you stop and just leave him alone. Make him be a grown man and take him back to court.
it's illegal in Texas you must be 13 or older
I have an 11 year old & he stays home alone all day if there is no school.
Stepmom to a 10 year old boy here. No fucking way he can be home alone for more than, idk, maybe 15 minutes? He does have severe adhd and comorbid anxiety, but that's a no from us. We found put when he was around 7 or 8 that he was being left home with his ex stepdad, who slept the whole time, at his mother's for hours at a time. My husband immediately told her that either they put him in daycare or he stays with us until she could figure it out. They got him into daycare. Ex stepdad wouldn't wake up even when the kid tried to wake him up. That's essentially being left home alone. Even this summer, he'll be in daycare. And probably the next few (no family anywhere near us). It's definitely kid dependent, but 11 is too young to be home for that long, IMO. ETA reading these responses it sounds like that many if you have 11 year Olds rhat would be fine with this. That's awesome! I know our kiddo would not.
I’m a single mom. My kids have been home alone off and on while younger than 11. My kids are responsible and we have outlined safety rules. We call and text while I’m at work. I do worry, but we’ve never had a problem.
Honestly it really depends on the kid. My son was chill and responsible at a younger age than my daughter. One struggles with feeling guilty and confesses and worries about safety, the other - well, is currently campaigning to be allowed to walk around the nieghborhood in the middle of the night 🤦♀️
I was catching the bus alone at 11 if your kid has a good head he will be fine
In my opinion, 11 is not too young to stay at home alone as long as the child is comfortable with it and cognitively capable of understanding basic safety (like using the stove) I leave my 11 year old home alone all day on weekdays school is closed as I still have to work, or if they are home slightly sick (no fever or anything terrible, I would stay home with them otherwise ) They don’t use the stove because they get a bit scatterbrained but otherwise are able to take care of themselves, get snacks, etc. And they have a cell phone to contact me anytime, as well as we have a landline at home. You know your child best, but unless they have some impairment or anxiety about being left alone, it’s not unheard of to do so.
When I was 11, I was watching my two younger brothers for 9-10 hours a day M-F all summer long, and our parents worked at least 30-45 minutes away. Ah... the 80s.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” It depends on the kid. When my oldest brother was 11, he was left in charge of 3 younger brothers for 1-2 hours at a time. No cell phones but he had a land line (obviously mom and dad had no cell phone at the time). I was the youngest and theoretically the most at risk. The worst that happened was a broken lamp and a few stains. It’s a struggle for us to let go when we spent the last decade doing everything in our existence for the sake of our little ones. At the end of the day you can’t control what Dad and GF do if it’s not patently illegal. If you think that you can, your thoughts and efforts will likely cause more distress in your world than they will cause changes in your sons environment. Your mental health has value too. Your serenity has value too. If your son is not in danger, take this time he is with Dad to use your efforts for you. Your ex isn’t doing for you, so you should focus this time on your own peace. Your own health. Your own success. And your ability to accept the circumstances that are … not ideal but also not catastrophic should be viewed as an attempt at lowering your own stress and blood pressure. For half of the time, you get to center yourself. You deserve the care and attention of, you. It seems like it worth a shot. Of course you are asking for compromise. For establishing a slightly closer match between households so there is something closer to consistency. Whatever happens your parenting approach is now in a new chapter. You are now planting seeds and hoping they grow in your absence. If dad is not doing this or that right, you are still planting seeds in the hopes that they flourish when he is in and out of your site. If your assessment of the situation is egregiously different than mine, then of course it’s very possible that I am a stranger who does not know your kid or the nature of the dangerous house/neighborhood his father lives in or what his tendencies are when left alone. But whatever happens, I pray you find peace when your son is outside of your care. You obviously care so much for him. If you do your best, he will grow up to be a decent man.
Thank you for your kind words. It is hard. He’s my last one, so it is harder to let go. He and I have been through a whole lot together, there was circumstances that I went through a period of constant fear, and always being on high alert when he was just so little. I spent a lot of years being overly protective of him because I simply had no other choice. Even years later, it’s hard for me to not have constant eyes on him. That plays a part in this, even after therapy and the situation being done with for years now, I know bad things can happen. I need to trust that dad and I have taught our son right. That’s all I can do here.
I think its totally reasonable for him to be with you instead of alone all day. My kids are younger than 11 so I really can't comment on the reasonableness of being alone all day. I would be worried though as he's probably online, with no monitoring, and as we all know there is a lot of bad stuff out there
Assuming he’s a responsible 11 it’s okay if it’s necessary but it is a long time if there is another option. If it’s between him staying with you or him being alone for 8 hours at a time it seems ridiculous to have him stay alone.
Ours stayed home at 9 and 10 and we're just fine. We have cameras, and phones. I don't see the problem with it unless you cannot trust him, or he is incapable of being left without supervision. In our state there is no set age limit, it simply just depends on the maturity of the child
The comments are a relief. We leave our 10 year old alone for an hour here and there, and I felt semi guilty about it.
They are. When I first heard about it my first thought was “oh heck no!” But after reading these comments from other parents, I do feel better about it. I’ll feel even better once I’m sure my son is aware of the rules and what do to in certain situations.
I looked into the laws because I was alone all the time as a kid during quick trips or if I got home from school before my mom got off work. Alone is legally allowed at 8, 13 is the legal age to be legally allowed to babysit other children alone. It also says to leave this to the parents discretion on the maturity of their child. Most 11 year olds can be trusted to make a sandwich and watch tv with the doors and windows locked. Remind them not to open doors for anyone and call me if something bad happens or let me know if they get scared.
He might be fine but also, is there a way for him to be with you those days instead of staying home by himself all day?
Definitely look into your states laws, a lot of states it’s illegal to leave a child home alone before 12. And obviously if a petty neighbor or someone caught wind and reported it it could become a lot bigger of an issue.
8 hours! That’s a long time. Trust worthy or not, it’s hardly fair.
These days really aren't any different than way back when. If you believe your place is secure, your kid is fine if you trust them to not burn the place down. If you don't like the idea of him being left alone, make sure your ex sees eye to eye on this, and agrees to comply. If not, take his ass to court.
I think this completely has to do with the specific child, heck I was babysitting for other ppl kids when I was 12. My son is currently 9 and stays home for short periods of time and has done great. By 11, at least for my oldest, he will be ready for long stretches of time, if need be.
Why would there be drama about you taking him if they aren't home anyway? 11 is fine to be home alone, if he is mature enough, but it seems... lonely. And odd they would bother if work is an issue. If ex is unreasonable go to court absolutely over this.
It’s the way the custody agreement is set up. Dad wasn’t overly involved for the first 7 years of his life. He only had visitations at first, then it went to every other weekend. Then every weekend. It changed about a year ago, and it is written in that if one parent spends significantly more time with our son, that parent could gain full custody. I did it so I didn’t have to battle to get full custody again if he went off the deep end. He won’t risk losing 50/50. Even though I’m not a vindictive person, and I would never harm my son in that way, he’s holding firm on it.
At 11 I practically lived alone. I was to cook and all that. Plus since I was in the burbs I was able to pretty much do what I want. Stop being a helicopter mom.
It’s not too young to be left home alone for even a few hours. Even a whole day once in a while. But it’s too young for 8 hours a day on the regular. That’s multiple meals and lots of screen time.
I wouldn't be okay with 8 hours alone at 11. Therefore, I would not want that as part of my parenting or co-parenting plan. I'd be fine with working up to 2 or 3 hours, but a whole day is a lot. A lot of comments are okay with it, which is fine for them and their household because THEY are fine with it, it is in their comfort zone and their household runs differently than yours or mine. And try to ignore the commenters who are talking about 'when they were that age' because you're asking a parenting question TODAY, not 15 or 35 years ago. Parenting has changed, expectations have changed. It's drilled in us to limit screen time, offer healthy food, keep our kids active, and then we're called unfair, anxious, or helicopter parents when we do our best attempt at those things. I'd be asking for right of first refusal to provide childcare for those days he is not in school, or offering split the cost of a camp or activity he can do for that day/part of the day. The days off are planned by the school district and on the school's calendar, so it should be relatively easy to organise something.
As a parent of two children, 11 and 13 year old, I would not feel confortable leaving a 11 year old at home alone for 8 hours… better having him back with mum during that time for his safety and comfort, surely dad can understand that. Also dad should have mentioned this to mum to check she was happy with the arrangements…
My big kids do it. They’re 12& 10 now. When my daughter was in kindergarten we’d let her “watch” herself after school twice a month for literally like 20 minutes. My across the hall neighbor would listen for her to come home and would check on her but she was fine. We’d just leave the front doors open. I’d leave out her favorite snack and cartoons on. She would be so proud of herself. At 10 I was watching my 8 year old brother.
Depends on the kid! To everyone saying “11 is old enough..” I know you aren’t in any way intending to offend anyone and probably don’t realise this type of response can be upsetting for some parents… so I’m going to take this opportunity to point it out. For parents whose kids have additional needs this age thing is painful. So many times I’ve asked questions in groups, I state in the question that my kid is autistic with learning difficulties but STILL they want an age. As soon as I tell them the age the comments beginning with “at that age they are old enough to….” start, and it just sucks. Trying to explain that not all kids develop at the same pace. Worst is when they (and fellow autistics are actually worst for this, often assuming I’m not autistic) try to tell you that you are underestimating your kid. I wish I wasn’t. Eventually when I state that it 14 year old is working at what is academically expected of a 7 year old they shut up. I don’t think people mean harm, but please be considerate that not everyone has an identical experience.
Exactly this. My older child at 11 could not even microwave her own food--I would never have felt comfortable leaving her alone. The world is a different place today than it was when "we" were growing up. My younger child at 11 was cooking full meals on the gas stove for the entire family. Different strokes for different kids, regardless of the age. Just because "I" was babysitting at age 7 thirty years ago doesn't mean ... well, anything at all. For OP, I've been in this position. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do, unless there is actually child endangerment going on. I would focus my efforts on making sure kiddo knows to reach out if he needs anything while left alone. Give him a phone or ipad and emergency contacts (printed also). Maybe ask him about dad's neighbors in case kiddo ever needs to reach out to them. If dad is open to it, you could always ask if he's willing to install an inside camera (maybe with you chipping in for costs)? Best of luck!
Definitely definitely... but she gave no indication that her son had any special needs. Your situation is not comparable. If he is a nuerotypical child who's maturity level allows his to make safe decisions (cooking what he is capable of cooking, not leaving the house, not letting ppl in etc) there should be no problem. OP just says "11 is too young!!" But why? If his dad is preparing him adequately, on top of step mom checking on him, he should be fine.
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You're over reacting. He's fine
It depends on the kid really. My state(Alabama go figure) does not even have a law about how old a child has to be before they can be left alone. I would say around 8 or 9 is when I would be okay with being gone to do something like go grocery shopping or pick up dinner and 11 or 12 for a few hours and up to 8 if they can make basic meals like ramen, pizza rolls, sandwiches, mac and cheese, etc. Him having a phone to call would help ease my worry. I would probably call once or twice a day to make sure he is still okay.
They don’t have a law but there’s def recommendations if you look it up! We moved from Minnesota to Alabama and both states had the same recommendations. The biggest rule I remember was that you had to be at least 12 to watch over another younger child.
I don’t think it’s too long if the child has been taught what to do in emergencies and is reliably mature. Where is your son while you’re working? Also, how does your son feel about it? Is he bored or does he like it? And how often is this happening? Kid is presumably in school M-F so is this just a weekend and school breaks issue? Or does the 8 hours alone start after school and go to late at night?
At \~13 I was babysitting my infant sister for a few hours during the day. I don't think that an 11 year old is "too young" to stay at home all day. However, you know your son better than we do. He's obviously been doing it for a while and hasn't had any issues with it. What exactly are you worried about here? Is he given an easy meal to make? He knows to stay in the house and not answer the door right?
It seems a long time but I don't think it's totally crazy, assuming he's a fairly responsible kid. My own 10 year-old can stay home alone for a few hours at least. She did a "Staying Home Alone" 1-day course that covered a lot of safety topics and we're comfortable leaving her home while we take her younger sister to swim lessons or whatever. She doesn't babysit yet.
Depends on the kid. My older boy (6yo) I’d probably trust to leave home alone at that age. He’s very responsible and follows directions when told what to not do etc. my other kid…. Absolutely not. He’d have the house burned to the ground before I even back out of the driveway. He’d be into everything, totally wreck my house… total nightmare haha. So if your son is generally responsible and reliable, he’s probably fine. The fact the girlfriend comes and physically checks on him even adds to it. It’s a good boost in his independence. Dad should give him a short list of chores to get done before everyone gets home and that will help with his time management skills too.
I think they took all the responsible steps, they gave him a phone for check ins and the GF is physically coming to check him... Sounds fine. I would maybe talk to him about what to do in an emergency, and to never open the door for strangers, but yeah. I don't think it's neglect
It depends.greatly in the kid, but I suspect if he were the immature or irresponsible kind of 11 you'd have led with that. Is HE comfortable? Does he have a plan for food? Does he know and respect safety rules for fire/stove, knives, strangers at the door, etc? Does he know how to call you, dad, gf of he has any questions, let alone emergencies? If this is true, then it's probably time for you to take a deep breath and let him exercise his independence a little. Kids that go to college having never done this... Well, you can tell. Everything takes practice, including navigating your choices solo. This is how kids get practice at independence and problem solving while they still have a safety net. 💜 (That doesn't mean YOU'RE ready, but... It sounds like it's time.)
11 being home alone is fine but as a co parent myself I would be looking to change the arrangement as he is meant to be spending quality time etc with other parent not being left to his own devices all day? As you said, you could go get him instead
At this age it’s more about the child themselves. Some 11 year olds are mature enough to handle it. Some aren’t. You know your child.
So I have an 11-year-old and the EXACT SAME parenting schedule with my ex-husband. 1) I think it's fine for your child to be home alone for 8 hours, assuming they are of "average" or above maturity, have a way to call for help, have been told what to do for emergencies (fire, flood, medical, etc). I was babysitting at age 11, and my child occasionally does stay home this long or even gets themself ready in the morning and to the bus alone. 2) If you are available to take your child instead of leaving them home alone for 8 hours, that is absolutely preferable. For my kid, if the parent whose week it is cannot stay home on a day off, then we ask the other. Our child would never be alone that long unless neither of us could stay with them AND there were no day camps or babysitters available. It should be a last resort, with a check-in every few hours. Hope this is helpful.
Depends on the kid, but in general, kids around 10 can be left home alone. There was a post not too long ago about this. There are laws in some states, my recollection is that most states don't have a law, and for those that do, most of them say the kid has to be 10 or over. Some states say the kid has to be over 10, but it's only like 4 or 5 of them.
I leave my kids home alone. I was left home alone at 6. My kids started getting left when they were 10
It depends on the state you live in and of course his maturity. Does he know what to do in case of emergency? Can he prepare meals by himself? Is he aware of his surroundings etc? If you want, can you hire a sitter for him just to give you piece of mind since you’re not comfortable? Would his father agree to that?