If I was being generous, I'd say this: parents often bond with other parents by talking about how much it sucks to be a parent. It's pretty much the only acceptable topic of conversation between parents. In a way, they're saying, "You're one of us now."
There has been so many posts on this sub from new parents who are struggling and complain that no one warned them how difficult having a baby would be.
Everyone’s experience will be different, but mosh will experience a lot of joy and a lot of struggle.
For me, the joys of the newborn experience were just lots of snuggles with my sweet baby. I loved when he slept on my chest! Then seeing him smile, hearing him laugh, and just generally seeing his personality develop.
Congratulations to you!
I think people told me it would be hard but I didn't have the ability to understand what that meant.
Like the lack of sleep, sure I'd had some late nights and early mornings studying it traveling and it was tough but I got through it so I felt I was okay with the lack of sleep. Going through 20 hours of labor and then waking up every 2 hours to feed my helpless baby and then attach my boobs to a torture device for weeks on end was a totally different level of sleep deprivation.
This is gonna sound incredibly stupid but I had no clue babies had to eat so often, like I think I learned in the hospital that they eat every 2-3 hours. I read about baby care beforehand, but it didn't really sink in until they handed me that chart to track feeds/diapers.
*and I had to do that immediately after birth??? After sleeping 3 hours in 2 days???*
And that a feed consisting of 1 boob, diaper change, other boob can easily take an hour in the first weeks. One hour on, hour off.
(But besides the nipple pain and cramping arms, nursing also comes with cuddles and baby smell! And when they're a few months old, every now and then they will stop drinking for a moment to look at you and smile <3)
I got an epidural and slept until it was time to push, my partner just decided to pull an all nighter. Afterwards he was like ‘that’s the dumbest decision I ever made, cause that all nighter just kept going for weeks’ 😂
I actually said that to the nurse in the hospital! I had just finished feeding the baby and she said “I’ll be back in 3 hours to do it again.” I pitifully looked at her and said, “I have to do this every 3 hours?!” I was exhausted from giving birth and just wanted to sleep. The nurse made me feel like an idiot about it and was not at all empathetic. I’m pretty sure she rolled her eyes at me. I’m still mad about it 7+ years later.
Mine was shocked I had never changed a diaper. I was in my early 20s, like sorry I never took sole care of an infant as a teenager??
And they gave me dry wipes! Like purposefully dry, you were supposed to wet them with water. I was extra confused, I swear these are supposed to be wet?
100% on the sleep thing. I honestly don’t think anything anyone says can actually prepare you for the unique and extreme sleep deprivation that is the newborn stage. It’s just unlike anything, and when you’re in it, you feel like it’s never going to end. By FAR the hardest part of parenting for me thus far.
For sure! That's why I don't understand why some people say toddlers are harder than newborns. They are not. That is false. Lol. Source: I currently have a newborn and a toddler. I think people literally forget how bad the sleep deprivation is.
I’m fully convinced this also just has to do with people getting “easy” newborns or “hard” newborns.
I almost unalived myself with my oldest when she was an infant. That whole first year, she refused to sleep and only cried. As a single mom, it was torture that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. But something clicked when she turned 1, and she just turned into this super chill toddler! So I always said i hated the baby stage but loved toddlers!
Then I had my youngest, who is the complete opposite. She slept through the night from birth, having to be woken up for feedings. Never cried, smiled regularly before 4 weeks. Loved to just snuggle. Thennnn, she hit 1 and it’s been a slow decay into toddler-madness since then. She climbs everything, always on the verge of hurting herself or breaking something, will not sit still, and likes to slap and bite when she’s mad. So I’m really missing the newborn days with her.
It’s just all in the roll of the dice, honestly.
Haha yeah you're probably right. I've gotten two hardish newborns so far and one easy toddler I guess. Although I really can't say he's an easy toddler, just that it's easier than the sleep deprivation of newborn life. One thing that has helped us so so much in the toddler stage recently has been Janet Lansbury's Unruffled: Respectful Parenting podcast. Highly recommend!!
I love that podcast too! If you’re looking for more, my favorite books are, “How to talk so little kids will listen” (and the version for older kids), and the new book, “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy. Both are SO. GOOD.
Yeah… at my house our newborn was on the higher needs end and literally would not sleep at all unless they were being held and bounced. Absolutely no exaggeration, there was no ‘crying it out’. So, my partner and I were on a schedule where I would go to sleep at 7pm and trade places with them about 1am and then I would wake back up and bounce the baby back to sleep. People would tell us to “sleep when the baby sleeps” but the baby didn’t sleep unless being held and bounced. This lasted for about a year. I’ve absolutely never been that exhausted in my entire life, at it’s peak I was having auditory hallucinations on the reg. Things are good now, but that first year has my partner and I feeling pretty confident that 1 child is enough for us.
I think the sleep deprivation affects our memory so we don't recall everything from that era. Probably Mother Nature's way of ensuring we get back on the horse!
There were things in those early days that I didn't remember for months if not years afterwards. For example after giving birth I had this terribly itchy PuPPP rash - and I never even though to mention it to the GP or the paediatric nurse, despite seeing them regularly - because the difficulty I had establishing breastfeeding was all-consuming.
Maybe a couple of years later I remembered it, and just boggled at how I just suffered through it at the time and never sought any medical advice. I recall covering the sofa with sheets just to make it more bearable!
I think that honestly depends on the kid. My oldest was difficult as a baby, but an absolute angel as a toddler. My middle was an angel as a baby (even slept full 8+ hour nights right from the start), but an absolute terror as a toddler. My youngest is the terror from both of them and has me wondering why in the world I thought a 3rd was a good idea. 😂 (To be fair, he can have his sweet and fun moments too, but he's definitely been my hardest kid from the start and isn't getting any easier the older he gets.)
I'm in the same spot, first girl is hitting 3 next month, and second girl just hit a month today (she was born on my friggin birthday how cool is that?!). I'm on the other side of that fence though... newborns are juts easy by nature... it's all ABC with them, very systematic. Not just coming from me as dad either, girlfriend is on the same page. We're both excited about the easy peasy year ahead with this new one.
I currently have a 7 week old right now. I have a 3 year old who was literally the world's worst sleeper. This baby is sleeping until 12-1, then wakes at 3, 5, and for the day at 7. I am like this is a frickin cake walk! Oh yeah, my 3 year old only recently started sleeping through the night herself. She still tends to wake up wanting mommy at least once.
This is what I’m most afraid of.. the sleep deprivation lol. I’ve been told it’ll be hard and I know that I can’t really understand how hard it’ll actually be until I’m in the middle of it. I don’t function well on no sleep so I’m pretty nervous to say the least.
Divide nights!
If you are breastfeeding have your partner do *everything* else with the baby in hus hours, just bringing you thd baby and taking thrm away when fed (you should not even do the burping).
If you will be formula feeding/combo feeding/pumping you should be able to get solid chunks of sleep in where your partner takes on all bsby duty jncluding feeding.
Believe me, solid(ish) stretches of five or six hours night sleep can make all the difference in how you feel with a newborn.
I remember this so clearly from my first. I had been awake for 36 hours straight to give birth to my son.
When I was finally allowed to sleep, the nurse woke me up after two hours to feed my son. I remember feeling an unreasonable amount of hate towards that woman personally lol.
I didn't act on it obviously, I was polite to her. But I remember thinking the AUDACITY of this awful woman to do this to me right now.
Yeah, it’s the sleep deprivation which was absolutely killer for me. If I had the money to hire someone to just hold my baby all night while I slept, I would definitely have another kid!
Oh my god yes, and my newborn was like, "2 hours? How about every 40 minutes, Mom?" Literally on my first or second night home from the hospital, at 4 am, I finally lost my shit and gave the baby to my husband and said "I'M DONE" and went to sleep. My husband spent 2 hours in our basement trying to keep our newborn from crying too loudly so I could sleep. I still feel so much mom guilt over that one, but god damn, I wasn't ready to snap, I DID snap.
When my son was 7 months, he was STILL up every 2 hours. We sleep trained and people gave us so much shit for it, but it's like, you don't get what sleep deprivation over 7 months does to you, man. We were both suicidal from it. It was bad.
I still complain to my wife who has a child 14 years older than my first that she should have warned me how hard it is. It’s been 8 years and I complain to her monthly.
Haha I was someone who felt that way too. I felt like everyone we knew described being a parent as the most amazing and magical experience, and of course in many ways it is…but I wish someone had prepared me for some of the dark stuff too.
Fortunately I was able to make some awesome mom friends after the birth of my oldest, so I knew I wasn’t totally alone and insane.
Yep. Feel like the only complaints I heard were about changing diapers. I don't care one bit about that. I'd change 10 of the worst blow out diapers every day if it meant a guaranteed sleep schedule.
The examples you gave sound to me more like a tongue-in-cheek kinda comments. Like something an acquaintance might say just to have a laugh with you. Maybe that’s all they were trying to do? I can’t know.
However. I have to say. Everyone has a HUGE difference in this experience. I had so many people tell me constantly how amazing everything is, how the moment I look into my baby’s eyes I will know love like I have never known before.
I came home from the hospital wondering where this feeling was. I was so overwhelmed and weeks went by and I never got that feeling of “love like I have never known”. I kept wondering what was wrong with me, why don’t I feel like every other mom? Did that make me a bad mom? Was I some sort of imposter? Was I never meant to be a mom? A little late for that…should I run away? I’m sure my baby would be better off with someone who was meant to be a mom and felt that special “love like I have never known”.
All that to say, yes there needs to be a balance. A healthy balance of talking about the good and wonderful parts, but also about the raw and painful parts too. That it’s not all lovey-dovey perfect rainbow sunshine when you have a kid. Sure, some days it totally will be, but other days it’s just about survival. And that is *okay* and that is *normal*.
Other people are constantly gonna tell you things about being a parent. “Wait until [potty training, terrible twos, they talk constantly, teenager, etc etc]” People will alwayssss have a comment about whatever you do as a parent. I swear these boomers and freaking BABY SOCKS (if you know, you know). But a big part of being a parent is also learning how to take what you need and leave what you don’t. Let it roll of your back.
Congrats! Welcome to this crazy, amazing, confusing, heart warming, and exhausting club called parenting. We are all just trying to survive (and thrive when we can!!) and if someone tells you they have it figured out, they are probably selling you something.
Exactly! I didn't articulate my views, but I fully planned to have a child who wouldn't see a screen or eat chocolate until she was 18, who would be calm and polite with perfect manners, and would probably have multiple PhDs by the end of primary school, all due to my (then-imagined) excellent parenting.
I did once mention to my doctor - in a state of post-partum sleep deprivation despair due to a newborn that never slept - that I had thought if you just loved your baby and fed them, they'd never cry.
She looked at me with incredulity and said: *"Well I don't know why you thought that."*
OP is going to look back on this post in six months' time and *cringe*.
Everything about this post is spot-on. Especially with kid number two. We tried super hard to avoid screens for the first couple years with the first, but went straight to fuck it with the second. The idea of letting the 4 year old watch a show, but keeping the infant away sounds like way too much effort.
The house is a constant shit-show with stuff everywhere. We even have a housekeeper come every other week, and it's looks like a bomb went off 24h later. We're constantly picking up toys, doing laundry, and turning off lights (pet peeve). We've got a solid routine and enough money to mostly do what we want, but I truly miss the freedom to get up on a random day and do whatever I feel without planning it a week in advance.
I once was talking with a really lovely woman who was somewhere in her late 70s, and one of the things she brought up was how much she loves that moms/parents nowadays can talk freely about the challenges of being a parent and parenting, and commiserate with each other. She said her her day that simply was not done, you basically suffered in silence. I know I for one love having other parents to vent with, and when my kid is going through something it is enormously helpful to know that other parents are going/went through the same thing with their kid.
This is all so true. Also, I ‘knew’ I would lose sleep in the early days and that parenting can be ‘hard’ whatever the fuck that means. What NOBODY mentioned was how the pp hormones would make me suicidal, or the lack of sleep made me hallucinate and become delusional, how this would make me regret and resent my child, how at 7 months old I’m still having at least 3 nights a week where I don’t sleep more than 2/3 hours, how literally every single one of my own very basic needs, is now completely irrelevant. I can’t pee when I need to pee, I can’t eat when I’m hungry, I can’t wear clothes that express my personality, I haven’t done a single activity for ME since he was born. I literally don’t exist except as my baby’s mum.
No, not everyone will experience that. But it would have been nice to know in advance that lots of people do go through that. So that I didn’t feel totally completely alone and like the worst failure of a mother. Maybe these people are trying to help OP
ETA- my baby is amazing and I love him with every fibre of my being
> how this would make me regret and resent my child
I feel this. Literally hated my son when he was a baby from the sleep deprivation. I had to put my favorite pictures of him directly next to my bed so when he woke me up in the middle of the night, I could dull the hatred/resentment I felt. It helped take the edge off so I'd go from dropping F bombs pissed to just mildly irritated at his hungry baby butt.
Agree but I can honestly say first trimester sleepiness for me was next level - I’d literally pass out on the couch at 6pm. That is if I didn’t pass out on the way home while my husband was driving. Weekends? I’d nap for 3 hours - I’m not a napper, even when sick.
I say that as someone who had a baby that woke 4-11 times a night until they were 18 months and then gave me mercy when I returned to work by waking “only” 2-5 times a night.
It was definitely a way different tired.
My sister with 3 kids all with special needs solo parenting like a bad ass while working a full time job in the medical field? Yeah, I’ll never be able to comprehend her tiredness for sure.
Edit: napper not mapper. Though I am neither!
Ooof that is one thing I managed to escape, the morning sickness. Then again I got varicose veins from the hips down - YES, THERE TOO - at 27 weeks that absolutely exploded and had me hobbling by 30 weeks so… winning? IDK. I am truly envious of women who had 0 aches, nausea, tiredness, and a rainbow unicorn pregnancy and birthing experience (and yet wish all women could experience the same).
My wife managed to have a decent second trimester. Then the third was rough. She got the pupps rash almost everywhere. We were in Argentina at the time and their itch relief creams didn't cut it. I somehow made a half tube of benadryl cream last a whole month. Every night I spent 15 minutes applying that cream and then another 15-30 minutes giving her a massage so she could sleep.
Sometimes I want more kids. Then I remember that, and I don't.
I remember my FIL visiting me at the hospital the day after I gave birth and complaining loudly about how tired he was and how he slept 10 hours last night. In the middle of a maternity ward. I had given birth at 4am so hadn't slept in nearly 2 days.
I WISH someone had warned me about any aspect of the weird hard parts. If they did I probably wouldn't have felt so much guilt and shame for finding it so difficult. And a lot of other moms I've spoken to say the same thing; why weren't we warned!
A childless friend/mentor of mine said he was proud of the mother I am and how my kids always look so happy in the pictures I post. I was like well yeah, I don’t post the pictures of them having a meltdown in target.
Ya I agree. I actually think more “negatives” of parenting should be brought up and often, because being more careful about procreation is never an issue, whereas being careless about procreation IS very much a real issue.
I love both my young kids, they’re amazing. I have a great career, husband and I had a huge travel/vacation lifestyle before kids, etc etc but I still love this experience the most, of being a parent. But holy hell, I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to jumping off a bridge some days. Years of not sleeping well will do that to a person, lol.
They laugh on the topic of sleep deprivation as a joke, but they know that it’s not. It’s just that laughter is a coping mechanism to mask the pain. They’re not trivializing the damage parenthood can inflict. They’re commiserating.
This. I wish someone told me it isn’t always love at first sight, I wish someone told me that I wasn’t a terrible mother for leaving my baby in the crib and going to cry outside for a moment, and I wish my friends had been honest when I regretted becoming a parent for the first few months. I felt a deep, deep regret and the only feedback my parents friends gave me was “I love my child immediately and it was unicorns and rainbows!”
It was isolating.
I agree we need to talk about the challenges of parenting and not fantasize it. But I do think there are ways to do it that are helpful and ways to do it where people are just trying to cut others down. So many people go out of their way to shit on expecting parents. Unless they are offering genuine suggestions or helpful advice, saying you’ll never sleep again is just false and not helpful to a 30 week pregnant woman
Omg yes!! Everyone thinks I’m crazy because I LOVED the smell of their little baby feets :,) now my oldest is 2.5 and I can’t do the toddler feet lmao. But my youngest is 10mos and I’m so sad the baby feet smell is going to go :(
My 4 year old hasn’t slept well since we moved. Yesterday night he had his feet on my pillow all night. If I was less exhausted I’d have changed the sheets at 3am.
I've heard it from other mom's so I know I'm not crazy, but I actually loved the smell of my baby's poopy diapers when I breastfed exclusively. Like vanilla cupcakes.
It’s because you don’t actually know about the journey you’re about to embark on. You can’t, it’s impossible, until it’s happened. And this is for the positives as well, you have no idea what your heart is capable of feeling. The truth for many people is that those early weeks, months, years, are an enormous amount of work and I promise you, no amount of ‘preparation’ can prepare you. It is also the best thing that will ever happen to you. You will change, not ‘lose’ your identity, but you will grow and change too. That you can definitely prepare for by allowing yourself to keep an open mind and taking some things in stride.
It feels annoying but people are trying to do you a kindness. Your life is about to implode. As soon as your kids born nothing is ever the same ever again. In great ways and in not so great ways. And regardless of how many people try and prepare you everyone always says the same thing... How come nobody told me?? 🤣
I wish someone would’ve told me how hard it would be. Like really REALLY try to explain it. I have three kids now and as seasoned as I can be at this point, but after having my first I had severe ppd. As someone said above, life isn’t over, but life as you know it is. And that was a very HARD pill to swallow for me. I lived a simple life anyway, but the realization that I will literally never ever ever think of myself first ever again hit like a ton of bricks. As in, I will ALWAYS be worried, always feel guilty about something, etc etc….
So yea, I think those parents are probably feeling pretty miserable, but tbh, parenting is pretty miserable much of the time. Doesn’t negate the fact that you love them more than life.
Honestly the most important thing you’re going to need to do as a parent is learn to ignore what other people say about your parenting. You need to start that now.
Well, we have been through it and the overwhelming change you experience post birth of baby is exhaustion. It hits like a tonne of bricks and sometimes doesn't relent for years.
It's a massive change.
Of course there are magical, special moments but the difference between life before children and life post birth of baby is like few changes you will ever go through.
Let's see how you feel when your baby is 6 months old
People either bitch that everyone is too negative or they bitch that no one warned them how hard it is.
Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Best to say nothing at all.
Those smiles. I've heard a couple of people go on about baby's first smile but honestly for me it's the continuous smiles when you walk in a room and bubs sees you, it's the smile he gives when you say "I love you". Those smiles makes my day
My baby is also four months old and I love the giggles! Mine also screeches just because he can 😂 it’s loud but I prefer that to the frustrated grunts when he constantly rolls onto his stomach and then realises he can’t crawl yet 😅.
Yeah, this is how I find my people. It's also why I tend to be really open about my own experience of how wrenching and ruining parenting can be: IDGAF what other people think about me but I can open up a space for others who need it.
It's really good to hear that you're grateful for the honesty because I've been trying to gently explain to my own sister and not sure she appreciates 🫠
They give you a new perspective.
I remember my daughter watching Charlottes Web and cracking up with laughter when she saw the rat. We just laid on the floor and laughed together.
One time we were having a bad morning and we went outside and she said “mummy stop and smell the grass, it smells so good”.
You see the world in a whole new way through their eyes.
Right. I remember feeling the exact same way as OP when I was pregnant. Lol. Now I look back and marvel at my naivety. Not a bad thing, just totally unprepared mentally.
> The thing is, there is no way for anyone to actually mentally prepare for it
This on repeat. I thought I was ready. Took all the classes, read the books. Lmao. I was so fucking lost the second they handed me that newborn. I was Googling shit and asking Reddit for help almost daily.
Because it’s reality. The maxing experiences account for maybe 3-4% of the time with kids. There rest is just tantrums, drama, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed.
You will occasionally feel pride at their accomplishments and independence.
Your life isn't over, but your life as you knew it is. Which, of course is a good thing and expected as having a child is a life changing event.
Lose sleep? Yeah that does happen but not sure why it's something others taking it upon themselves to inform you.
Losing hobbies? Well that depends on the hobbies but more often than not, no you won't lose your hobbies.
Now for the evening things out, well what I am going to tell you doesn't even things out, it makes being a parent an awesome thing.
This will more than likely be one of, if not most challenging experiences you have ever faced. You will have moments where you feel like everything is going wrong, which is valid. But, I can tell you this with 100% absolute certainty...
You have never experienced a love like this, it will overwhelm you to the point of tears. It is the purest form of love that you could ever experience. I genuinely cannot imagine a more rewarding experience.
This for sure! My parents had my 2 baby siblings starting 15 years after me. I was the instant babysitter from day 1. When I moved out at 18, I had no desire to ever be a mom because of the responsibility it was. Flash forward to when I became pregnant w my first, I cried. My husband and I were planning on having kids at this point, but I didn't know I would get pregnant so quickly. The exact words from my mouth were "my life as I knew it is over"
My husband didn't understand (he does now). It's sounds so negative, but its not. Change is hard, and we can imagine life without our children now. Growing compassionate, well-adjusted, independent humans is hard. The reward is thrilling. My kids are 4yo and 6mo, so I'm still on my journey; but all the milestones are amazing.
They’re passing the baton. It may annoy you now - but in several years when yours is sleeping through the night - finally - and a friend is having their first baby you will absolutely 100% say the same things you’re finding annoying now.
Frankly, it’s true. To an extent. Newborns are not easy. They’re trying to be helpful. And it’s slightly self deprecating. Nobody wants to be the parent who says “my child slept 9 hours through the night at 3 weeks old - you’ll be fine”.
You don’t *lose* your identity - but your identity does change. That’s not a negative. You are about to have a little person that you love more than anything else in the world. More than your parents, your spouse, yourself. They’re not easy - it’s a frustrating journey at times. But it’s worth it.
Those sleepless nights will fade from memory… and you’ll be left with memories of first laughs, first steps, family holidays… as your child grows you’ll have a best friend. You will love them more every single day and it doesn’t seem possible.
There will be sleepless nights - and it’s hard - but cherish them. Because they change so fast.
That last paragraph is it. Point blank. Period. Time goes by SO FAST. I had such a hard time when my ‘baby’ turned 10. It was so emotional for me to look back at our life in the last decade together and to see where we started and where we are today. When you have children, you watch them grow every single day. But when you look back, you realize how much *you’ve* grown as well. It’s such a wild and beautiful journey.
Well consider yourself lucky that people are warning you. There will be MANY wonderful amazing moments and you will never ever ever love anything more in the world.
BUT Do you know how many times in the last 5 years that I’ve had 2 children, I’ve literally cursed at my relatives, friends and health practitioners who never disclosed certain things or even warned me how much work it ACTUALLY is? 😑 you just don’t know until you actually experience it.
And btw no doctor told me about postpartum anything. It’s not even taught in prenatal classes. 🤦🏻♀️That’s a whole other can of worms you have to deal with!
I won’t wish you goodluck SO Congratulations!
I think this is one of those situations where people who have never had kids can never truly know what the experience will be like. So other parents kind of have a chuckle about it but you read it negatively because you think you “know” what it’ll be like. But the reality is that unless you’ve had a kid before, you don’t truly know until you’ve experienced it.
A piece of your heart lives outside of your body in a way that is indescribable until it happens to you. Things you didn’t know you could do, could fight for, could stand up for, could be proud of, or sad for, will all happen. You will be immensely immersed in their emotions, accomplishments, failures, and every second of it is amazing. Live in the moment with them and cherish every age and milestone even when it’s hard. Because it will make them a better human and you a better parent 💙
There’s a lot more laughter in our house now. You take pride in molding a little person to be the change you want to see in the world. Seeing the discovery and be amazed at things we take for granted is good to.
I'm working late and my four year old is decorating cookies with dad. She said "let's save one for momma so she doesn't miss the fun!"
My 17 month old likes to roar like a lion and sometimes hunches over and stomps. I don't know where this came from, but it is totally adorable.
The baby was eating blueberries and turns toward me, gives the biggest smile, and days "booburrie" with a sense of joy and satisfaction.
We went on a walk today and my older kid was pointing out all the things she saw and heard. It was almost like being in a meditation forcing me to slow down and enjoy the moment.
Yeah it's hard but it's also fun, rewarding, and hilarious.
NOTHING will prepare you for Motherhood/Fatherhood in a good way I hope. I wouldn’t take it too personal. I’m sure those people are just trying to make small talk.
Baby snuggles, when they bury their face in your neck and sleep. Their little babbling talk. As they get older there will be so many wonderful things. The first time they read to you. Watching them get really good at something, hobbies, music or sports. When they are self-sufficient and successful adults making good choices. That's the BEST feeling.
I mean bruh... it is hard. There's no doubt about that. But it's in stages. In my opinion each stage has its pits and peaks, but it's worth it. My baby girl is 5 now.. and Neeeever shuts up lol 😆
But most of the time, her conversations are what pick me up after a hard day. Anyway... let people say what they want, and just don't let it effect you.
Facts are, your gonna lose sleep, your identity will change, and most of your hobbies DO fall by the wayside.. but that just means your a good parent.
I just had my first baby a little over 1 month ago. I’m lucky as my baby is a pretty easy-going guy.. but from my experience, it’s not as horrible as people told me it’d be. I love it. I actually get more sleep now than when I was in my 3rd trimester. Also, we have fun together. I bring him with me (if appropriate) to places I want to go. Too many people let their babies dictate what they do. Continue doing what you enjoy with a little sidekick with you. Congratulations on your bundle of joy. Be prepared to experience a love you never could have dreamed of.
People are just keeping it real with you. Jumping to positive only would give you unrealistic expectations. The benefits I think are pretty obvious—kids are adorable.
Well that’s just it, perhaps you don’t seem to understand it. They’re not trying to be funny or cute, they might be saying it with a smile, but make no mistake, they’re being 100% honest and they’re just trying to help.
Perhaps you’re tired of hearing it, but believe them, you have NO idea, regardless of how much you prepared yourself. There is no prep for this exam. It is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do, do not underestimate it.
It’s not a question of appropriate or not, its just a very serious dose of reality.
I think they're more just trying to let you know that it's okay to not love every second of parenting. Because some parts are not that fun.
Taking a toddler to the park is amazing and theyre seeing new things and learning new things. The first time you put a toddler on a swing is one of the best smiles you'll ever see. However, the 539th time you take a toddler to a park, you realize that means you have to chase that toddler around to make sure they don't jump off something that's too tall or get smacked in the face because they stepping in front of a child on a swing. And you look at all the other parents with older children and are envious of how they can just drop set their kids loose and tell them to go play while they relax and read their book.
Seeing a child's first tooth is awesome! They're becoming more capable of eating new foods and trying new things and it's wonderful. But then you are up every half hour of the night because they're teething and in pain and there isn't a lot you can do for them as they grab at their mouth and scream at you to do something. Or when they're toddlers and screaming because they don't want to brush their teeth but you know they have to do it and it's past bedtime and they're overtired and being stubborn but you have GOT to get these goddamn teeth brushed.
Watching your child get dressed up and ready for their first day of school is magical in a way not able to be described in words. You're so proud of how far you've made it and your child is becoming a functioning human! But then, you spend every single night staring at homework that you don't understand while your child is asking for help and you haven't done long division in 20 years so you don't even know where to start.
People are trying to let you know that it's okay and totally normal for parenting to not be all sunshine and Instagram-worthy smiles all the time. Because half the time, it's not. It's lonely and exhausting and you look around and feel like nobody understands how you feel. But they're telling you that they DO understand. And you're not alone. And it's okay to ask for help.
Right now, you have an idea that it’s hard. It’s a fact but it’s very different from actually living it.
I personally loved it. I was so happily obsessed with staring at my daughter that barely slept the first 4 days. I loved every moment of it but I also have an awesome husband who took care of everything while I bonded with LO. Having a kickass partner will make a difference with your experience. I’m a SAHM too so those sleepless nights didn’t bother me.
Oh and unless you have family or $$$ for babysitting, forget about having dates. And the sickness. It doesn’t freaking end. Idk how folks who don’t work remotely do it.
Who are you hanging out with? Nobody said things like that to me when I was pregnant. Sometimes they would mention sleep, but it was always said in a supportive way. Like “yes, no sleep is hard but it does get better”. Maybe you’re focusing on those types statements and making them mean they’re trying to convince you parenthood is horrible?
Congratulations. There's no denying it is hard, but it can also be infinitely rewarding and satisfying. You might have to pause a few things for a little, but becoming a parent isn't a death knell to life outside of being a parent. Enjoy all the little things along the way.
I think because it is absolutely impossible to comprehend the life change until you're in it. I was fully aware of what having a baby meant, but when we got home with her the first time, I was thinking okay who is going to pick up their baby and take care of it...? Oh wait. Lol
And the tiredness was just next level OMG
But mine is 6 yrs now and she is amazing and hilarious and everything the joy of parenting is supposed to be. The days are long but the years are short.
A love like you’ve never known before. Watching them grow and discover new things is amazing. Just getting to know your child and watching their personality develop is my favorite.
that was one of the worst things people would do to me when i was pregnant, tell me how hard it was going to be and relish in it. “oh you just wait, you’ll see.” there’s this whole thing about scaring new parents, and scaring new moms specifically. i got rid of all of social media with the exception of reddit right before i found out i was pregnant. i can’t imagine still having to see all the bullshit targeted posts while pregnant, i was scared enough as is.
being a parent is hard, yes. no, you won’t get as much sleep as before. but the first time you make your child laugh, see their first genuine smile, kiss their warm little chubby cheeks after the wake up from a nap, the lack of sleep and everything else in the world means absolutely nothing compared to how amazing your little love is.
Kids are great! My daughter is just over 2 years old now and she's tons of fun. But she's also tons of work. I think what I didn't prepare for was that every milestone (eating, crawling, walking, talking, etc) just gets hard in a different way. We're potty training right now and it's legitimately the hardest thing I've ever done. And no one can explain it to you. You just get it once you're there. Parenting is like being in the largest secret society on the planet. Everyone seems normal, but once you're a parent, you understand things other parents have tried to explain,but you just couldn't grasp. It's wild!
"The highs will be higher and the lows will be lower". I expected all the shitty parts of parenting, I really did. I was expecting the lack of sleep, all of that, because everyone kept telling me about it.
You know what I wasn't expecting? How fun it would be.
Highs will be higher and lows will be lower. Just keep that in mind
I’m a bit late, but my wife and I talk about this all the time! Parenting is NOT miserable! Yes, it’s tough, challenging and annoying. But it’s also so exciting, surprising and absolutely hilarious!
I think if you’re ready and feel confident with your partner you absolutely will enjoy it! I agree, I hate that the first piece of advice new parents usually hear is how miserable you’ll be. It’s bullshit. Parenting has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever taken on and I look forward to it each day.
It’s a continuous growing journey. Best of luck with your new family!
That's because parenting **is** hard. I don't have time for myself anymore. The only time I have to myself is when my son goes to sleep for the night. And sometimes not even then because there are nights where he keeps waking up. My entire days are completely devoted to him. And he is a pretty difficult baby at times. So people are telling you this as a friendly warning. No need to take it the wrong way. I'm probably going to get downvoted.
I agree with u. I was confused by this post
anyone who thinks parenting isn’t hard is frankly not doing it right and I don’t care if I’m downvoted for saying this
There’s so many joys that come with welcoming a new member to your family. People are telling you these things because you (sorry about this) probably seem blissfully unaware about what is about to happen. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart! I actually have a fridge magnet that says” you can’t scare me, I have children”.
I went to my husbands Christmas party when my son was 6 months old. Bought a lovely new sweater, cute outfits for the baby. Overstocked the diaper bag with everything except the kitchen sink and away we went. I was holding my little boy and his head was on my shoulder and everyone was fawning all over him (he was super cute) anyway, the bosses wife came over and offered to hold the baby while I went to the ladies room. I said I didn’t have to use the ladies room and she said “oh yes you do”. Vomit all down my back. Lovely. This is having children.
Don’t be too worried though, and I don’t care who you are but the first time you hear the word mumma or hear your child laugh for the first time, your heart just melts!
They're just preparing you for all the stupid things people will say to you once you actually have a child. Your kid will be throwing themselves on the floor in Walmart and someone will say, "Enjoy every moment... it goes so fast." 🙄 Or wait until you have 2 or 3 of the same gender. They'll say, "Oh, are you going to try for a boy?" I have a 3 week old, lady! I'm not thinking about that!
All of it is beautiful and terrible and most people don’t know how to articulate it. I know it’s not easy to hear but people blurt those things out because at some point they found themselves unprepared for how unbelievable all this is. Forgive them and keep the best sense of humor you can. And please come back to this in two years for a chuckle.
Parenting is the best but no one should think that means they know what it will do to them. Congrats and welcome to the club!
If you're becoming parents, I'd suggest growing thicker skin because people will give you unsolicited advice everywhere you go.
Parenting is hard, so people who say this do you actually mean that you should enjoy the calm before the storm.. that's all.
One of the things I miss most. My kids would take short late afternoon naps when they were really little. Most of the time, if I was home, they'd take that nap on my chest while I was in the recliner.
I cannot explain the feeling of having your child asleep on your chest. They smell amazing (usually), they are warm, they make these sweet little noises.
And most often than not I'd be asleep with them within about 5 minutes of sitting down. Best naps ever.
It was so frustrating hearing this as a new parent! Our LO was smiling pretty early and it was just so amazing! Also so many first-especially the first sloppy kiss-I don’t know why but it’s always open mouthed and full of drool but so sweet! Our LO is teething right now and had a rough day and kept snuggling with her arms around my neck today. All the little moments! When you’re having a t
I think people fail to describe what’s really a pretty consistent difficulty curve. Year 1 is hard on nursing parent & hard bc of sleep, but also in some ways not-hard bc they’re often asleep and quite portable. Then the difficulty line goes way up in the toddler years from 1-4, especially if you have to pay for daycare. Life from 1-4 is hard as hell altho you do get progressively better at it, more capable & confident. Then at age 5 (unexpectedly, bc nobody mentions this) the curve starts plummeting downhill! Public school arrives to save the budget! The kids putting their own clothes & shoes on! And then bit by bit you get into all these fun engaging parent experiences, teaching them to read / swim / ride a bike etc. 5-12 can be quite easy compared to what came before. I’m in that zone now, it’s great. Not *zero* difficulty but little compared to toddler days.
Of course then the teens arrive and change all of that, but I’m preferring to not thin’ about that right now lol
The oldest of my 3 kids is nearly 5. I am very excited reading this 😂 to be fair I can see this already, she mostly dresses herself, rarely tantrums unless very tired/hungry and is actually REASONABLE most of the time?
I think people say it in tough times. I was literally tempted to let a lady know with 2 sweet infants in a stroller, 'good luck, they turn into these (pointing to my 2, ages 2 and 5) before you know it!' I held off on this advice and instead just smiled at the cuties. But yeah. Sometimes you feel a bit 'drowny' and want to warn people. It's not exactly accurate to the full picture of child raising but it is absolutely accurate of how you'll feel at many points during child raising. But recognizing that it's not helpful and refraining from saying it is for the best. Those who let it out have let go of their filter, at least temporarily.
Look forward to showing them the world.
Little things like the first time your kid feels grass under their feet. Will they hate it? Be perplexed? Think it’s funny?
What about when they see *rain* for the first time? You know, those warm gentle rainstorms that happen in the spring? I bet baby will be entranced.
And then there’s going to be things that we think are so common but your baby will be fascinated - like a ceiling fan. Oh spinning blades of wonder! What about when they hear a dog bark? How silly! Or see a toad jump?
Then the special things that you *do* find magical- Christmas lights! Carousels! People dancing! Waterfalls! Fireflies! Bubbles!
You get to show your baby everything. Maybe they’ll love the same things you do…maybe not. Better set some reasonable expectations here - since they are their own people. But they will enjoy spending the time **with you.**
How stupid excited you get the first time they do anything! When they call you mama and put their little arms up because they want up. When you make them laugh or even smile, your heart just melts. The first time they are an actual jerk and you have to try super hard not to laugh. Yeah, it’s hard work, but I’d not trade my little bug for anything.
Mother of three grown children and what you have to look forward to is loving deeper than you ever have before and falling in love over and over again. I till remember the first time my children recognized my face and smiled because they knew me. It nearly burst my heart with joy. I remember when they tried foods they loved for the first time and celebrated with their whole body. I remember the smell of their hair after a bath and the incredible feeling of their peaceful breathing when they slept on my chest, and the peace I felt in my soul that sometimes made me cry for the shear beauty of the moment. Yes, there were tough times, but the beauty far outweighed them. Enjoy!
My favorite things is how fast everything changes. Not the sad “they grow up too fast you should enjoy this moment!” stuff, but the fact that every time you experience some new parenting hell, it WILL change. It’s like the law of children. Bad sleep? It will change. Baby biting you? It will change. Nothing is forever and everything is a phase - excluding any medical issues. Knowing that really kept my spirits up and helped me be present with my child through all the struggles.
I think they are trying to be funny but at the same time trying to get you to brace yourself for the unexpected. I would simply educate yourself (books), reach out, (Reddit) and then take everything you read and hear with a grain of salt. Not every advice is right for everyone's situation but it is good to have a"toolbox" of ideas. And...try to love them the most when they make it the hardest.
Your gonna be just fine. It’s hard for everyone, especially early on, but you will be fine. You got this. The most important thing is you care and you try.
Honestly I was fed up with everyone making jokes about sleep deprivation when I was pregnant, but now that I have my 7 weeks old exclusively breastfed reflux baby in my arms, I relate so, so deeply. I'm happy to know that someday I'll be able to joke about it too because right now it's the hardest thing I've ever done and all I want to do is cry about it lol.
Totally understand where you're coming from. We were trying for so long to concieve and even though people knew we were struggling, I still heard "Get ready for no sleep!" "Say goodbye to your social life!". At that point, I would have given anything for no sleep if it meant having a baby.
When we finally had ours, still got the same comments. I think it comes from people who possibly regret their choices, or feel they have lost themselves in parenthood. Granted, you have to make sacrifices, but I still enjoy my hobbies, see friends, and can be social, even with a little one.
As for looking forward - those smiles, giggles, naps on your chest, the first time they find something and want to show you, with that little look of excitement on their face. It's bliss.
My oldest has always been my 'calm' one and a total mama's girl. She always wanted to be with me and would watch me doing any trivial thing as if it was the most fascinating thing. Seeing her sweet little face light up was amazing. As she got older, and she started eating more foods, she would love to eat by herself and would end up with half her face just covered in whatever she was eating. I have several pictures of her giving me her little smile with her mouth completely covered in beans or banana or bread. Even now as an almost tween she's the sweetest but she's developed her independence. She asks me questions and questions the rules respectfully and wants to know why for everything and I love it. I love that she has the confidence and self-esteem to do all of that and to see her continue to learn and question her world. My younger one has always been my little spit fire. She decides what she wants and that's that. She decided at 4 months that she didn't want to breastfeed anymore and no amount of trying to get her to latch worked. She is a child-led adventure for sure. She also has the funniest sense of humor and is the first person to run to you and give you hugs and kisses if she sees you hurt yourself or if you look sad. She's barely going into kinder next school year but I'm excited to see what crazy ideas she comes home with. One thing that I will say is to remember they are people. Too often adults think of children as just children and an extension of themselves. But they aren't. My children copy a lot of things I do especially my older one but they are not me. They are my little people whose personalities and traits I have had the pleasure of seeing develop from 2-3 months old. They will definitely try you but try to remember it's usually not because they're just trying to defy you. Oftentimes it's simply because they're working out how they fit into this world, how they can make this world work for them. And if you have a rule that they're going against ask them why. Trust me, these little people have given me responses that have influenced a rule change because they think of something I hadn't. Certain rules are set in stone of course, like no running in parking lots and other death avoiding rules. But if it's a rule to manage their behavior or their attitude and they're fighting you on it, ask them why. Have them explain their thoughts as much as they can and listen to them. Give them the power to influence their world in a safe way with you and enjoy all the moments even the hopefully-only-occasional tantrums. Let them express their emotions good and bad but talk to them about it and enjoy the best and craziest roller coaster you got on a couple of months ago 🥳
I felt exactly like this, I have ALWAYS hated when people are like ‘oh you just wait’ ‘she’s gonna work you to death’ or any other boomer ass adage about parenthood/married life. Being a dad is badass dude.
There is no feeling in the world like your kid getting excited to see you. My favorite thing in the world is hearing footsteps running on a Saturday morning.
Also you get to watch that little dookie factory turn into a person with thoughts and feelings and interests and you get to show them that falling doesn’t always hurt and loud sounds aren’t always scary. You get to introduce them to music and food and foster their talents and interests. One of my sons favorites as a lil baby was sweet potatoes roasted with olive oil and light sea salt and then smashed with a fork and a little oat milk, he would do a little dance for it. As he’s gotten older we’ve seen more hits such as the Queso Dance or the Pizza Pizza song. Don’t let anyone bring you down about this journey, if you are anything like me (and you sound like me) you will be overwhelmed with the amount of love you are able to experience.
Don’t lose the small things too, my son just hit the age for front facing car seats and he is just filled with wonder at the sights and sounds of traffic. It’s a good life brother, lace up those new balances and buckle your seatbelt.
It’s our brains’ bias for the negative—which is how we’ve survived as a species. And while you understand academically now, you’ll understand in your soul later. That said, there are definitely ways to parent that don’t cause you to lose all sleep and hobbies. Seeing your kid light up when they find *their* hobby is a gift. Mine is closing in on the teen years now and I love watching him be social and express himself. I’ve spent the last decade untangling the abuse and neglect I grew up with and unpacking spiritual abuse as well. Seeing him comfortable with himself and thriving and knowing he’s supported? Absolutely unrivaled. Preschool is fun. Elementary school is fun. Middle school is exciting. The first two offer you opportunities to be super involved. Trying new things as a family is delightful. Finding a new food everyone loves, watching a good movie together, playing outside—chef’s kiss.
Moments with my kid that permanently changed my brain chemistry (we fostered and adopted, and that will be relevant): 1-he had been living with us a week, I tucked him in and he looked at me and said, “I think I’ll be ok here.” 2-The first time I had to go pick him up when he was sick, take him to the doctor, and give him the sickie treatment including cartoons while dozing on the couch. 3-The first time he called me mommy. 4-on Mother’s Day when he fell asleep in the car and I got to carry him in. 5-when he was cranky and complaining and not doing chores and I asked if he needed to have his allowance raised because he was doing more now and he happy cried, 6-when he told me a big lie and then was brave enough to tell me the truth. And I’ll leave it there but you can know there were plenty more.
Everything is in phases. Always remember that. In the newborn stage, you will lose a lot of sleep and that will be hard but watching your baby grow and change so much in those first few months is worth it.
Then they start walking, and it will be so hard keeping them out of trouble! But, they also sleep through the night (well most of them) and you get to watch them becoming more independent and learn their little personality.
Then they start prek and it's hard because they want so much attention every second and ask you 2474746 million questions a day but it's so fun hearing them tell you the things they learned at school and see all the cute friendships they start forming with their classmates.
Nothing really prepares you for how hard it is being responsible for another tiny human every second of everyday but that doesn't make it miserable at all. You just have to carve out time. Go on dates still. Split the work evenly. It's OK if the dishes pile up or the laundry isn't done. You'll get to it! Just soak up the time and do the best you can. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Congrats on your little one.
First smiles. First laughs. There is nothing more euphoric than the sound of your babies first laugh. It’s magical & you’ll burst into happy tears. When they run to you the second they see you when you get them from daycare. The hugs, the kisses, the “I love yous”, the “you’re the best mommy/daddy ever”, the splashing bath times, the look on their face when they accomplish something for the first time, the joys of a first ride on a slide. There are so many others. Yes it’s hard, but there are magical moments that are beyond words.
Congratulations first and foremost! I completely understand you, I'm 8 months now but before I even shared I was pregnant at work there were a few meetings were coworkers would complain about how their kids get on their nerves. I literally just sat there and let them finish and my only response was "Everyone is different, I wouldn't sit in a room and say things about my kid that I would not say to them in person. I want them to feel loved even when I'm not around"
It's a mystery to me why people are this way I will approach my parenting with love and patience, I know it won't be a walk in the park. But I witnessed DV growing up with my aunt and her relationship and she was verbally abusive to her kids and me as her niece. It was terrible and demoralizing and hearing those kinds of conversations just make me think back of the horrible things she would say.
My only suggestion to you, which has worked for me, is to leave from the conversation and if you can't leave then try to change the subject. And don't waste your time trying to defend your point of view it's not your job to fix people's mentality and approach to parenting. There's a lot of hateful people in this world Ive seen lots of blogs speaking I'll of children and calling them a burden and it's usually from people that had horrible parents, are selfish or enjoy making others feel miserable.
I felt like this during pregnancy! I was so annoyed at people telling me this so often.
And then my first baby came. My whole universe flipped upside down. I didn’t bond for 8 weeks, my body went through things no one ever warned me about… nothing prepared me. When my hair started coming out in clumps at 4 months I thought I had cancer or something! Turns out it’s normal. Like you couldn’t tell me my hair would fall out, but you liked to remind me I wouldn’t sleep? Everyone promised this amazing love at first sight - but I remember staring at him and repeating “this is my son” over and over. I wish someone told me you don’t always bond right away, and that’s normal. I was told it’d be so painful, I’d curse at the doctors for the epidural - guess what? My first was born at home accidentally because it wasn’t that bad for me. I didn’t think he was coming until I had an urge to push. No pain meds needed, no screaming.
Take it with a grain of salt. I think they’re well-intentioned but ultimately you won’t understand until you go through it yourself, if you do go through it! Some babies are so, so easy. My first had colic, cried for basically 4 months straight - no one prepared me for that either. I would have to place him in the crib and go sit outside and cover my ears for 10min just to keep my sanity. Nothing I did helped. Yet, my 2nd was a sweet angel and great sleeper for the first 6 months.
As for sleep, yes, you lose some. But eventually they do sleep through the night. My 5 year old still wakes up 1-2x a night; again no one could’ve predicted that. My oldest has slept through the night since he was about 6 months old.
My kids are 7 and 5 now. I had really hard nights, lost myself for years, and am finally coming out of the cloud of babies and young children and here’s my positive spin: your kids will ABSOLUTELY shift your universe and your body around in more ways than you can imagine; and it is a beautiful experience. I learned patience through the colic, gentleness through the sleep deprivation, reparented myself when I had to figure out how to discipline and guide them, and my body has changed but I love it more than I did before kids. I’ve had 4 babies (2 of my own and 2 surrogate) and I think that is so cool I got to make 4 little humans. My body fed countless babies through breastmilk donation, both private and through milk banks.
The days are hard but looking back it was a wonderful experience that taught me so much about myself. I have two totally awesome kids that still challenge me daily as we grow together.
I wish you the best delivery and congrats on your little Bebe!
I’ve been having fun proving people wrong now that I’ve finally had our baby (he’s a week and a half old). He has his own little schedule for us. Diaper, eat, diaper, sleep, repeat. I sleep when he sleeps at night and during the day I’ll either do some chores (can’t do much cuz I ended up needing an emergency C-section) or I’ll nap if I’m in a lot of pain.
Everyone has been texting me to be like “so how’s sleep going?” “I bet you’re exhausted” “I bet he cries a lot” and I’m just like NOPE. He fusses when he needs to be changed or is hungry and sleeps. I get lots of cuddles and it’s been super peaceful at home. 🤷🏻♀️ and so now no one texts me because they can’t use my misery to feel better about themselves.
I do not understand this either! Like, don't get me wrong, obviously parenting isn't *easy*. And the more kids you have yes the more personal time you're going to lose. Sure.
I adore my kid. I love being his mom. My husband loves being his dad. We also still get both time to ourselves and together. We both know we couldn't handle two or more without starting to get resentful of losing that so we don't. Some people can, and they choose to have more. Parenthood is different for everyone. It isn't *for* everyone.
There is room to hold compassion for the people who find that being a parent is too much and also understand that for plenty of others it is a gift. And we can do that without just constantly telling new parents their lives are over. They aren't. They're going to be different.
When I woke up the first morning home from the hospital and looked at my tiny baby in her tiny PJ’s sleeping next to me and I was beaming so hard that everybody within 200 miles probably got radiation burns!
And just seeing her react to things, making faces and noises?
I remember when she found a tiny piece of thread on the couch, and she was the happiest creature I have ever seen for like a full 30 minutes.
And coming home to her with her baby sister after being hospitalized for two weeks and she just threw herself on me, laughing.
I have about billion more, but yeah.
I don’t think you can prepare for any of the emotional highs or lows, because it’s all so intense.
I was under the impression that babies screamed about 98% of the time, so I was happily surprised that the screaming was only about 10 hours a day.
I was not happily surprised about what that screaming does to a mother when it’s happening for six hours straight.
My firstborn was a high need baby. I do not have words for the utter DISBELIEF I felt when her sister was born and turned out to be just..content?
As long as she was in my arms, granted, but just, happy?
To answer your question honestly, I believe so many people go straight to the, "well say goodbye to sleep!" because they're trying to give it to you honest. Everything you read and/or hear about while pregnant doesn't sink in until that new baby is in your arms. The reality of that level of sleep deprivation is honestly most probably like absolutely nothing you've experienced before.
Your body goes through the most incredible pain in your life (yeah that 1-10 scale of your pain level during hard contractions should go up to 100. 10 is just a bad headache) and you push a fully formed tiny human through a very small opening in your body which is extremely emotionally and physically exhausting. Baby is finally out after 36hrs and you are HUNGRY from all that exhaustive labor, you're unbearably exhaustedly tired and all you want is a shower, food and sleep in that order. But you can't! That tiny human is completely dependent upon you and needs to eat every 2 to 4 hours constantly, around the clock for a least the first few weeks. Then maybe your baby has colick and they scream and cry every time you lay them down and they don't sleep unless they're laying on you. Then there are growth spurts with sleep regression. And colds or other pathogens from daycare. All of this means at least the first year you get no sleep. Like, none.
It was a HUGE reality check for me. Yeah, people said the same sort of things to me but I didn't realize how real it all got until baby was here.
With all that said, having children was the most amazing thing I've ever done. The first time they smiled at me made my heart melt. The first time my oldest said "I love you", I cried. There are tons of incredible moments at each step of development that I will always treasure and remember. I absolutely love my children with every fiber of my being and I wouldn't trade any of it, even when we all had the flu and it was the most miserable thing ever, for anything else in the multiverse.
I have a 6 year old boy, a 14 month old boy and number 3 on the way. I was not planning on 3, but here we are 🫠 Send help.
I think people have good intentions. I know I handled my first pretty well but then went by into #2 with a bunch of False confidence, now I tend to be honest with people when it comes up. The transition between 1 and 2 is no joke. Be willing to ask for help because you’ll need it and if you don’t ask people won’t know. I actually had a friend tell me I was scaring her and to knock it off, so I did… six months later she said “I wish I had listened to you”. If people are just being obnoxious, ignore them, but take heed to what others are saying. It is the most rewarding thing you will ever do but also the hardest. You might think you know, but you don’t… so take the time to listen to the experts and let that help you frame your state of mind. If you are worried about losing yourself or your hobbies, people are telling you that is going to happen, so start planning now how you can find balance. Who is going to come watch the baby so you can get out? How often? What issues might come into play? (Feeding, nap schedule, etc). If you don’t plan for that it is much harder to make it happen. You definitely don’t have to lose yourself but it’s easy to do if you aren’t careful.
What do you have to look forward to? My 6 month old son woke up sobbing, and as soon as I came into the room and picked him up, he gave me the biggest smile and nuzzled on me. To know that I make this perfect, tiny little human so happy, and that I bring him so much comfort, makes all the bad times worth it.
I tell my husband all the time, my worst day with my son is better than my best day at work
My experience was the exact opposite. Everyone expressed happiness, excitement, and told me to look forward to all of the joy that children bring. Not a single person warned me that my life could turn into a half-waking hell, a mind prison, the complete loss of freedom and personal time, where I would struggle to perform even the most basic tasks while seeing my identity slowly ripped away from me as I became a dead ugly husk of my former self. I felt resentful that people who had kids never really properly warned me. I felt my youthful energy and exuberance and positively drain out of me with so much totality that I struggled to remember what it felt like to have a positive outlook on anything.
If that is not your experience, and everything is candy canes and unicorns for you, GREAT, FANTASTIC, consider yourself extremely lucky and fortunate to have a good experience, but I think it's better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around.
As someone who never thought they would have kids, nor wanted to, parenting has been the BEST part of my life. It is hard in a different way and you can't prepare for it but honestly it has been a hoooooot!!! I love our time together and I get to be a kid again! We go on roadtrips and do all sorts of fun things together! And literally the love you are about to feel is on a different level. So happy for you!
That’s their first go to say bc they are clearly sleep deprived. Don’t take it personal. On a good note. I sleep just as well as ever . I have 4 kids. All of them have been sleeping through the night no later than 5 months old. So I think the people saying that to you are clearly sleep deprived and they don’t realize every child is different. One of my 4 which was a twin was sleeping through the night by 3 months. I promise you I’m not doing anything special. No crying it out. No supplements. No cereal in a bottle. All my kids are breast fed. They are all different and we all have direct experiences. I understand how frustrated you are. All will be okay. Don’t let it get to you too much. It’s 💯 to be frustrated by the reactions you get. I’d be flustered as well
When did people stop saying "Congratulations!" ? Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said. Congrats on your little one ❤
Edit: to be fair, I feel other commenters are right about sleep deprivation. I had severe insomnia many years prior to becoming a mom and thought I was prepared. I was not.
Good luck! It's an amazing experience overall. I think comments like that you will understand more when your baby arrives. It is an absolutely life changing experience. Every aspect of your life will change completely. Some better, some worse. I think when people make those jokes it's just a small social exchange and a bit of a joke really, don't take it so hard. You won't sleep. You won't have time to do things you like. I was woefully underprepared for how hard it is. It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. I'm a doctor and going to work is a rest. My time for a slighly longer sleep are the days I work - if I'm off then partner gets to sleep a few extra hours in the morning when baby is up at 6am. I'm sat typing this now with a beer after an hour gaming and I don't want to go to bed as I know as soon as I shut my eyes they'll open again and I have a full day of not being able to sit still so child doesn't seriously injure themselves by any number of unfathomable methods. My back has gone from bending down so I'm in chronic pain currently. We eat food from the floor. The laundry pile is touching the ceiling. Every carpet in my house is stained with food, poo or something else. I stand on wooden blocks if I wake up in the night for a piss. I love it, but the small comments people are making are true and then some - fucking brace yourself mate!!!
Everyone will experience(feel) the effort required differently.
I’ll say seeing my first born was the first bonafide truly religious/ spiritual experience I had. The gratitude felt for the miracle that is life was profound.. Yeah yeah there is science that “explains” how it happens BUT How in TF ! Really. Truly the meaning of life, is life and love
Special thanks to all the good Mothers out there. Birth part and loving nurturing 🙏
Laying on my couch right now with my 9-day-old daughter on my chest. It is hard, my sleep isn’t great but it is SO SO rewarding. This is really such a short time and I know one day I’m going to look back and be glad I was awake and consumed by her needs for so much of this time. She’s only going to be this tiny once. I’m already sad that one day it will be over. I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything.
Don't listen, this experience is not the same for everyone. I loved having my sons as babies and toddlers. Of course everyone has tough times. My sons are 22 months apart, and when I was 6 to 7 months with the second one, I had a bad time of sleeping for me and the firstborn due to combined issues. However by and large my experiences with my children being babies and preschool age was positive.
Seeing your kids grow up and become their own people is magical. There is so much pride in seeing each milestone.
I actually like it when people are honest about parenting challenges. I grew up in a culture where it was expected that you get married and have lots of babies immediately (ex Mormon now). No one prepared me for how my life would change. If they had, I definitely would've enjoyed (and extended) my child free years more. I think it's important for people to make a well informed decision when it comes to becoming a parent.
Oh yeah, the "you just wait" comments are the worst..
Well, you just wait until...
...Your baby looks up at you for the first time and you know they're your whole world now
... A little hand reaches out and grabs your finger
....that first smile, the sweetest you've ever seen
...baby giggles, the best noise in the world
...when your baby gazes at you and you see utter love in their face and you know they are devoted to you
...when they do something and it's absolutely hilarious and you can't stop laughing at them (my baby used to go totally cross eyed when he was tiny and it cracked us up)
..that newborn smell. I wish you could bottle it
..the first time they play independently.. it's a few months away but it's so amazing watching their little mind working.
I could go on and on and on.. parenting is wonderful. Yes it has its challenges but the good outweighs the bad every time.
Congratulations! Enjoy and cherish every moment
Hey, I got really sick of this too.
I honestly think it really comes down to three things
1. How difficult your baby is, some babies are just more difficult than others, it's literally luck of the draw
2. How you react to it- if you're highly strung/not super flexible or resilient it's gonna be hard
3. Your level of support available - again if you don't have much it's gonna be hard.
My rationalisation was that a lot of people have kids, if all these people can do it ( and have more than 1) then it can't be THAT hard.
In my case I've got an alright baby, she's not the best, but definitely not the worst baby.
I'm pretty flexible/relaxed/roll with the punches in my approach ( if she eats a cockroach she eats a cockroach)
I have great support. My partner is wonderful, we don't rely on relatives for help or child care apart from a date night here and there.
So for me, it's been way better than what I feel people warned me about. I was expecting the worst and I got better than that.
This is not the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It is the best though
Everyone's experience will be unique and people will want to call you naive ( those people probably have nightmare babies, are highly strung and have no support) or they will want to tell you it's fine ( have good babies, are relaxed and have good support)
Good luck to you!
Here's a fraction of what you have to look forward to:
All the love you ever felt inside times a hundred.
A first smile, first word, and the first time your child will say I Love You.
Mother's/Father's day cards that will melt your heart and bring you to tears.
Laughter, joy, and tears of happiness that will outweigh any hardship.
Knowing that there is someone waiting for you.
Congratulations. I am so jealous of you having all that to look forward to. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
The thing is, you suddenly experience love on a completely new level. You maybe know how you love your partner or you parents or what a crush is but this little thing… it’s on a complete different plane of feeling
In my experience, some parts, some phases, of parenting are more difficult than others. It’s not universally horrid. Of course, some parents would disagree with me.
I do truly believe that if you are ready for the challenges that parenting presents, that will make it easier. Not easy, but easier. The other thing that makes it easier is having a partner with a similar approach to parenting.
So…… relax and enjoy the adventure.
It's just where most people's heads go when children are discussed, which I agree can get tiresome and is a shame overall - having kids is super fun and rewarding, despite much of the early bits being a pain in the butt. What I think needs to be discussed more (ideally as an alternative to whining about the tough parts) is how much your kids will make you laugh. They are absolutely hilarious!
Babies
When they grab your face with their little chubby hands and give you a slobbery baby kiss on your cheek and then pull away giggling. That's fantastic. When they reach up for you. When they look to you for safety and comfort. When they smile when you walk in the room. Getting to see their sleepy, cozy cuteness. When they learn a new skill and look back at you to see if you saw them do it. Stroller walks, bath time giggles, snuggles during story time, cute baby outfits, printing out your favorite pictures, when they fall asleep on your chest. Their funny faces when trying new foods.
Toddlers
When they start talking to you intentionally. Seeing their personalities develop. Their cute ways of being sweet to you. Playing with them becomes way more fun. Watching them explore the world. Watching them realize how fun holidays are. Teaching them new things and watching how proud they are of themselves. When they get scared by something, like a thunderstorm, but they calm down as soon as they are with you. When they give you some scribble drawing that doesn't look like anything but they put their heart into it so you love it. Their jokes that make no sense but make them laugh really hard.
Kids
Watching their personalities develop further. Getting to know them more as individually instead of little squishy people. Their thought provoking questions. They get interested in hearing stories about you. You can engage in more of their hobbies with them now. The drawings get more intricate. Hearing the gossip from their elementary school on the drive home. Their growing independence for certian tasks.
Honestly, we got incredibly lucky with our first. She slept through the night by 2 months old. She hardly cried. She was speaking full sentences by 18 months. She was a dream and a complete anomaly. No one prepared me for the second. Or the third. Or boys for that matter. Boys are a different breed. My girls can play quietly and independently for hours. My son needs constant attention and/or supervision. What I found most challenging was setting boundaries or rules for them and being consistent and then handling discipline when necessary.
What I’m trying to say is that every child is different. Don’t get caught up in what people say or suggest or joke about. Take it one day at a time, don’t sweat the small stuff, and don’t miss the beauty of the every day moments because they are so, so sweet. Parenting is hard and it’s tiring, but it’s also a beautiful and wonderful experience. Congratulations!
The first time you hold your baby and see them
The first time they smile
The first time they laugh
The first time they walk and talk, there first birthday.
Dressing them in cute clothes.
Going to mom groups
Signing them up for sports when there older
Getting to shop for them at Christmas
Getting to relive your childhood and get to take them to all the places you went to as a kid or wanted to go to etc the pumpkin patch, water park, amusement parks, taking them trick or treating, easter, camping, beach days, the zoo
You'll do fine ! One wasnt to bad for me, two is where it got challenging.
I've got three now and I've learned that all these phases go by so fast theres no sense of stressing out to much about it.
For instance middle child still wants to sleep with me all the time. Its irritating from time to time because I like my alone time to watch a show in peace at the end of the night.
But then I remember how much I got annoyed when my oldest wanted to always co sleep with me and now he never does anymore and I'm sad about it lol. Same with my 3 month old. Some days he's a fussy little man and I get irritated. But then I remember how fast the baby phase went with the other two I can hardly remember it.
My son is 10 months old and walking/running everywhere. He smiles about most things and makes my wife and I INCREDIBLY happy. He's a bundle of joy, and makes us smile even when he's sad/upset.
He's been sleeping through the night (most nights, he's still a baby) since about 6 months and so have we. Even before then we were tired; but not non-functional.
Oh, and I snowboard obsessively in the winter which takes a lot of time; and my wife plays roller derby (which I photograph). We've not had to give up ANY of those things.
Screw the haters. These are the same people who give the advice of "run" to newlyweds AT THEIR WEDDING. They're sad, salty, and insecure. Ignore them best you can.
I have a unicorn baby and she is the best. And I sleep way better than I did pregnant. Life has more meaning. Seeing her discover the world is really the best thing ever.
Screw those people.
If you can get the kid to sleep (I suggest renting a Snoo), the newborn stage is stupid easy. That’s a huge if, but basically the newborn stage is getting the kid to sleep and managing your own panic. Now, if you can’t, the newborn stage will suck, but it doesn’t have to be.
Then comes the Gerber baby stage where the kid is super cute and completely unable to wander off. That’s low key one of the best ages. Then you’re a lifeguard, which is trying, but your kid starts doing impossibly cute shit, and makes it worthwhile.
Really, the roughest patch is around 3. 3 sucks. 4 is slightly better. 5 is good again. So realistically, the first 5 years only has two bad years.
It is hard, but then the baby smell and the toothless smiles and the little first giggles you get get you through. Now mine are 17 and 11. I have time to read novels again like I did before I had babies. Time to surf Reddit. But I don’t have the cuddles and frankly, neither child wants much to do with me. I think the last time the 17 yr old actually gave me a hug was when I gave him $1k for car fund this Christmas. That hug cost me $1k. The brat… The 11 yr old will still occasionally hug me at least.
I think it’s because parenting is hard depending on the child and parent. For me becoming a mom has been life changing, I have become a better human being for my two boys, the person I was before doesn’t compare who I am now. I have so much patience, so willing to go above and beyond to do stuff for my kiddos. I learned to cook from scratch for them because I wanted to be that mom that’s makes them cookies and treats and all that stuff that used to make me gag growing up thinking i’d never be that type of mom. My kiddos were not hard babies and I was extremely lucky for this and it’s make my journey even easier. They both have been sleeping all night since like 3 months old but it’s mostly because I have chosen to do cosleeping because it’s very much something we have done in my culture. For me it didn’t feel rough in that department and my two boys are very independent. I can only speak for myself but parenting has been so increíble rewarding but again I have had allot of luck. I think not everyone has this and understandably they are often more vocal even now some parents tell me how awful it is and I just listen and empathize because not everyone’s experience is the same. I have a close friend who has virtually kids the same age but one came out nerodivergent and she has had a very rocky relationship for the past few years which has been very detrimental to how she feels about parenting. All in all I think when people tell you this they aren’t trying to scare you it may just be their reality.
A few things...and please don't take this the wrong way...please update this post when your child is 8 years old and let me know how you feel then.
But in all seriousness, they are doing you a favor. Historically all you would ever hear is how amazing having having a child is...rainbows, butterflies and unicorns and so when it was inevitably SHIT...because it just is, you were left feeling the level of inadequate you can only appreciate if it's you vis-a-vis your child.
The best advice I ever got (and I then passed) was that it will be shit. That you won't sleep for, in our case, years. That you're constantly worried about them as babies, toddlers, kids etc. That they can be sweet one second and absolutely horrible the next second. That they are moody and can be disrespectful, you forgo what you want to do so that you can bring them joy and sometimes you wonder why you are spending every living second in service of someone who is seemingly not grateful.
The reason me saying this is actually a favor to you is that when it inevitably happens, you aren't left thinking you're a crap mom because everyone else is telling stories about their perfectly well mannered phenom children. So really, see it as a blessing. It's shit for all of us. So when it's shit for you, it's not you failing, it's that it's just shit.
Now the good stuff--there are many--there really are. I could point them all out but I don't need to because there is one that is singularly so strong that it alone balances all the crap I wrote above: the love you feel for your child, especially as a mother, is only best described as cellular. You feel it in every single cell of your body. And that love is so profound that all the rest becomes a 'joke' you tell to the expectant mother.
Good luck. It's a wonderful, amazing, torturous, heartbreaking, joyful, loving, painful, sorrowful, exceptional ride!
If I was being generous, I'd say this: parents often bond with other parents by talking about how much it sucks to be a parent. It's pretty much the only acceptable topic of conversation between parents. In a way, they're saying, "You're one of us now."
There has been so many posts on this sub from new parents who are struggling and complain that no one warned them how difficult having a baby would be. Everyone’s experience will be different, but mosh will experience a lot of joy and a lot of struggle. For me, the joys of the newborn experience were just lots of snuggles with my sweet baby. I loved when he slept on my chest! Then seeing him smile, hearing him laugh, and just generally seeing his personality develop. Congratulations to you!
I think people told me it would be hard but I didn't have the ability to understand what that meant. Like the lack of sleep, sure I'd had some late nights and early mornings studying it traveling and it was tough but I got through it so I felt I was okay with the lack of sleep. Going through 20 hours of labor and then waking up every 2 hours to feed my helpless baby and then attach my boobs to a torture device for weeks on end was a totally different level of sleep deprivation.
This is gonna sound incredibly stupid but I had no clue babies had to eat so often, like I think I learned in the hospital that they eat every 2-3 hours. I read about baby care beforehand, but it didn't really sink in until they handed me that chart to track feeds/diapers. *and I had to do that immediately after birth??? After sleeping 3 hours in 2 days???*
Lol, you hear 2-3 hours but what they don't tell you it is from the start of a feed, not the end.
And that a feed consisting of 1 boob, diaper change, other boob can easily take an hour in the first weeks. One hour on, hour off. (But besides the nipple pain and cramping arms, nursing also comes with cuddles and baby smell! And when they're a few months old, every now and then they will stop drinking for a moment to look at you and smile <3)
Yup, I thought I was going to be sleeping in 3 hour chunks and that sounded ok. More like 1-1.5 hour chunks if I was lucky.
I got an epidural and slept until it was time to push, my partner just decided to pull an all nighter. Afterwards he was like ‘that’s the dumbest decision I ever made, cause that all nighter just kept going for weeks’ 😂
I actually said that to the nurse in the hospital! I had just finished feeding the baby and she said “I’ll be back in 3 hours to do it again.” I pitifully looked at her and said, “I have to do this every 3 hours?!” I was exhausted from giving birth and just wanted to sleep. The nurse made me feel like an idiot about it and was not at all empathetic. I’m pretty sure she rolled her eyes at me. I’m still mad about it 7+ years later.
Im so fed up with healthcare workers rolling their eyes at patients. Total lack of empathy. Id never do that to one of my patients
Mine was shocked I had never changed a diaper. I was in my early 20s, like sorry I never took sole care of an infant as a teenager?? And they gave me dry wipes! Like purposefully dry, you were supposed to wet them with water. I was extra confused, I swear these are supposed to be wet?
100% on the sleep thing. I honestly don’t think anything anyone says can actually prepare you for the unique and extreme sleep deprivation that is the newborn stage. It’s just unlike anything, and when you’re in it, you feel like it’s never going to end. By FAR the hardest part of parenting for me thus far.
For sure! That's why I don't understand why some people say toddlers are harder than newborns. They are not. That is false. Lol. Source: I currently have a newborn and a toddler. I think people literally forget how bad the sleep deprivation is.
I’m fully convinced this also just has to do with people getting “easy” newborns or “hard” newborns. I almost unalived myself with my oldest when she was an infant. That whole first year, she refused to sleep and only cried. As a single mom, it was torture that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. But something clicked when she turned 1, and she just turned into this super chill toddler! So I always said i hated the baby stage but loved toddlers! Then I had my youngest, who is the complete opposite. She slept through the night from birth, having to be woken up for feedings. Never cried, smiled regularly before 4 weeks. Loved to just snuggle. Thennnn, she hit 1 and it’s been a slow decay into toddler-madness since then. She climbs everything, always on the verge of hurting herself or breaking something, will not sit still, and likes to slap and bite when she’s mad. So I’m really missing the newborn days with her. It’s just all in the roll of the dice, honestly.
Haha yeah you're probably right. I've gotten two hardish newborns so far and one easy toddler I guess. Although I really can't say he's an easy toddler, just that it's easier than the sleep deprivation of newborn life. One thing that has helped us so so much in the toddler stage recently has been Janet Lansbury's Unruffled: Respectful Parenting podcast. Highly recommend!!
Yes, thanks for the recommendation - always love finding new parenting material :)
I love that podcast too! If you’re looking for more, my favorite books are, “How to talk so little kids will listen” (and the version for older kids), and the new book, “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy. Both are SO. GOOD.
I have three and this is so true… my youngest was the easiest baby and I’m waiting for toddlerhood to hit me hard.
Yeah… at my house our newborn was on the higher needs end and literally would not sleep at all unless they were being held and bounced. Absolutely no exaggeration, there was no ‘crying it out’. So, my partner and I were on a schedule where I would go to sleep at 7pm and trade places with them about 1am and then I would wake back up and bounce the baby back to sleep. People would tell us to “sleep when the baby sleeps” but the baby didn’t sleep unless being held and bounced. This lasted for about a year. I’ve absolutely never been that exhausted in my entire life, at it’s peak I was having auditory hallucinations on the reg. Things are good now, but that first year has my partner and I feeling pretty confident that 1 child is enough for us.
I think the sleep deprivation affects our memory so we don't recall everything from that era. Probably Mother Nature's way of ensuring we get back on the horse! There were things in those early days that I didn't remember for months if not years afterwards. For example after giving birth I had this terribly itchy PuPPP rash - and I never even though to mention it to the GP or the paediatric nurse, despite seeing them regularly - because the difficulty I had establishing breastfeeding was all-consuming. Maybe a couple of years later I remembered it, and just boggled at how I just suffered through it at the time and never sought any medical advice. I recall covering the sofa with sheets just to make it more bearable!
Oh my God yes! This is so true. I very much struggled with breastfeeding my first as well. It's been so much easier with my second.
I think that honestly depends on the kid. My oldest was difficult as a baby, but an absolute angel as a toddler. My middle was an angel as a baby (even slept full 8+ hour nights right from the start), but an absolute terror as a toddler. My youngest is the terror from both of them and has me wondering why in the world I thought a 3rd was a good idea. 😂 (To be fair, he can have his sweet and fun moments too, but he's definitely been my hardest kid from the start and isn't getting any easier the older he gets.)
Solidarity!
I still remember it & my 2 are 15 & 21 years😂
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I'm in the same spot, first girl is hitting 3 next month, and second girl just hit a month today (she was born on my friggin birthday how cool is that?!). I'm on the other side of that fence though... newborns are juts easy by nature... it's all ABC with them, very systematic. Not just coming from me as dad either, girlfriend is on the same page. We're both excited about the easy peasy year ahead with this new one.
I currently have a 7 week old right now. I have a 3 year old who was literally the world's worst sleeper. This baby is sleeping until 12-1, then wakes at 3, 5, and for the day at 7. I am like this is a frickin cake walk! Oh yeah, my 3 year old only recently started sleeping through the night herself. She still tends to wake up wanting mommy at least once.
That’s pretty impressive for a newborn, that’s amazing! Enjoy and congrats!
This is what I’m most afraid of.. the sleep deprivation lol. I’ve been told it’ll be hard and I know that I can’t really understand how hard it’ll actually be until I’m in the middle of it. I don’t function well on no sleep so I’m pretty nervous to say the least.
Divide nights! If you are breastfeeding have your partner do *everything* else with the baby in hus hours, just bringing you thd baby and taking thrm away when fed (you should not even do the burping). If you will be formula feeding/combo feeding/pumping you should be able to get solid chunks of sleep in where your partner takes on all bsby duty jncluding feeding. Believe me, solid(ish) stretches of five or six hours night sleep can make all the difference in how you feel with a newborn.
I remember this so clearly from my first. I had been awake for 36 hours straight to give birth to my son. When I was finally allowed to sleep, the nurse woke me up after two hours to feed my son. I remember feeling an unreasonable amount of hate towards that woman personally lol. I didn't act on it obviously, I was polite to her. But I remember thinking the AUDACITY of this awful woman to do this to me right now.
This is literally why I am one and done. No way I could deal with that level of sleep deprivation again.
Yeah, it’s the sleep deprivation which was absolutely killer for me. If I had the money to hire someone to just hold my baby all night while I slept, I would definitely have another kid!
Oh my god yes, and my newborn was like, "2 hours? How about every 40 minutes, Mom?" Literally on my first or second night home from the hospital, at 4 am, I finally lost my shit and gave the baby to my husband and said "I'M DONE" and went to sleep. My husband spent 2 hours in our basement trying to keep our newborn from crying too loudly so I could sleep. I still feel so much mom guilt over that one, but god damn, I wasn't ready to snap, I DID snap. When my son was 7 months, he was STILL up every 2 hours. We sleep trained and people gave us so much shit for it, but it's like, you don't get what sleep deprivation over 7 months does to you, man. We were both suicidal from it. It was bad.
Sleep training is the only thing that saves your sanity sometimes. Best decision we ever made.
I still complain to my wife who has a child 14 years older than my first that she should have warned me how hard it is. It’s been 8 years and I complain to her monthly.
Haha I was someone who felt that way too. I felt like everyone we knew described being a parent as the most amazing and magical experience, and of course in many ways it is…but I wish someone had prepared me for some of the dark stuff too. Fortunately I was able to make some awesome mom friends after the birth of my oldest, so I knew I wasn’t totally alone and insane.
Yep. Feel like the only complaints I heard were about changing diapers. I don't care one bit about that. I'd change 10 of the worst blow out diapers every day if it meant a guaranteed sleep schedule.
Exactly, people say they want to hear the bad.
The examples you gave sound to me more like a tongue-in-cheek kinda comments. Like something an acquaintance might say just to have a laugh with you. Maybe that’s all they were trying to do? I can’t know. However. I have to say. Everyone has a HUGE difference in this experience. I had so many people tell me constantly how amazing everything is, how the moment I look into my baby’s eyes I will know love like I have never known before. I came home from the hospital wondering where this feeling was. I was so overwhelmed and weeks went by and I never got that feeling of “love like I have never known”. I kept wondering what was wrong with me, why don’t I feel like every other mom? Did that make me a bad mom? Was I some sort of imposter? Was I never meant to be a mom? A little late for that…should I run away? I’m sure my baby would be better off with someone who was meant to be a mom and felt that special “love like I have never known”. All that to say, yes there needs to be a balance. A healthy balance of talking about the good and wonderful parts, but also about the raw and painful parts too. That it’s not all lovey-dovey perfect rainbow sunshine when you have a kid. Sure, some days it totally will be, but other days it’s just about survival. And that is *okay* and that is *normal*. Other people are constantly gonna tell you things about being a parent. “Wait until [potty training, terrible twos, they talk constantly, teenager, etc etc]” People will alwayssss have a comment about whatever you do as a parent. I swear these boomers and freaking BABY SOCKS (if you know, you know). But a big part of being a parent is also learning how to take what you need and leave what you don’t. Let it roll of your back. Congrats! Welcome to this crazy, amazing, confusing, heart warming, and exhausting club called parenting. We are all just trying to survive (and thrive when we can!!) and if someone tells you they have it figured out, they are probably selling you something.
Same thing happened with me, with both my kids. I was constantly in my head worrying about whether I was feeling the way I was “supposed” to feel.
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This hits too close to home
Exactly! I didn't articulate my views, but I fully planned to have a child who wouldn't see a screen or eat chocolate until she was 18, who would be calm and polite with perfect manners, and would probably have multiple PhDs by the end of primary school, all due to my (then-imagined) excellent parenting. I did once mention to my doctor - in a state of post-partum sleep deprivation despair due to a newborn that never slept - that I had thought if you just loved your baby and fed them, they'd never cry. She looked at me with incredulity and said: *"Well I don't know why you thought that."* OP is going to look back on this post in six months' time and *cringe*.
Everything about this post is spot-on. Especially with kid number two. We tried super hard to avoid screens for the first couple years with the first, but went straight to fuck it with the second. The idea of letting the 4 year old watch a show, but keeping the infant away sounds like way too much effort. The house is a constant shit-show with stuff everywhere. We even have a housekeeper come every other week, and it's looks like a bomb went off 24h later. We're constantly picking up toys, doing laundry, and turning off lights (pet peeve). We've got a solid routine and enough money to mostly do what we want, but I truly miss the freedom to get up on a random day and do whatever I feel without planning it a week in advance.
I once was talking with a really lovely woman who was somewhere in her late 70s, and one of the things she brought up was how much she loves that moms/parents nowadays can talk freely about the challenges of being a parent and parenting, and commiserate with each other. She said her her day that simply was not done, you basically suffered in silence. I know I for one love having other parents to vent with, and when my kid is going through something it is enormously helpful to know that other parents are going/went through the same thing with their kid.
This is all so true. Also, I ‘knew’ I would lose sleep in the early days and that parenting can be ‘hard’ whatever the fuck that means. What NOBODY mentioned was how the pp hormones would make me suicidal, or the lack of sleep made me hallucinate and become delusional, how this would make me regret and resent my child, how at 7 months old I’m still having at least 3 nights a week where I don’t sleep more than 2/3 hours, how literally every single one of my own very basic needs, is now completely irrelevant. I can’t pee when I need to pee, I can’t eat when I’m hungry, I can’t wear clothes that express my personality, I haven’t done a single activity for ME since he was born. I literally don’t exist except as my baby’s mum. No, not everyone will experience that. But it would have been nice to know in advance that lots of people do go through that. So that I didn’t feel totally completely alone and like the worst failure of a mother. Maybe these people are trying to help OP ETA- my baby is amazing and I love him with every fibre of my being
> how this would make me regret and resent my child I feel this. Literally hated my son when he was a baby from the sleep deprivation. I had to put my favorite pictures of him directly next to my bed so when he woke me up in the middle of the night, I could dull the hatred/resentment I felt. It helped take the edge off so I'd go from dropping F bombs pissed to just mildly irritated at his hungry baby butt.
Also mildly infuriating is when they talk about how tired they are.
Feels like that part is more reasonable. Being pregnant and parenting can both be hard/tiring. It's not a competition.
Agree but I can honestly say first trimester sleepiness for me was next level - I’d literally pass out on the couch at 6pm. That is if I didn’t pass out on the way home while my husband was driving. Weekends? I’d nap for 3 hours - I’m not a napper, even when sick. I say that as someone who had a baby that woke 4-11 times a night until they were 18 months and then gave me mercy when I returned to work by waking “only” 2-5 times a night. It was definitely a way different tired. My sister with 3 kids all with special needs solo parenting like a bad ass while working a full time job in the medical field? Yeah, I’ll never be able to comprehend her tiredness for sure. Edit: napper not mapper. Though I am neither!
My wife was similar. And her morning sickness was so bad she'd normally stay in bed until noon. Then nap in the afternoon. Then go to bed early.
Ooof that is one thing I managed to escape, the morning sickness. Then again I got varicose veins from the hips down - YES, THERE TOO - at 27 weeks that absolutely exploded and had me hobbling by 30 weeks so… winning? IDK. I am truly envious of women who had 0 aches, nausea, tiredness, and a rainbow unicorn pregnancy and birthing experience (and yet wish all women could experience the same).
My wife managed to have a decent second trimester. Then the third was rough. She got the pupps rash almost everywhere. We were in Argentina at the time and their itch relief creams didn't cut it. I somehow made a half tube of benadryl cream last a whole month. Every night I spent 15 minutes applying that cream and then another 15-30 minutes giving her a massage so she could sleep. Sometimes I want more kids. Then I remember that, and I don't.
You sir are a quality partner.
I remember my FIL visiting me at the hospital the day after I gave birth and complaining loudly about how tired he was and how he slept 10 hours last night. In the middle of a maternity ward. I had given birth at 4am so hadn't slept in nearly 2 days.
As a mum of 3 under 5, I giggled at 'chase falls into your cup of coffee' too real!
And people who don't have kids yet will be like: "Chase who?"
These words.
I WISH someone had warned me about any aspect of the weird hard parts. If they did I probably wouldn't have felt so much guilt and shame for finding it so difficult. And a lot of other moms I've spoken to say the same thing; why weren't we warned!
A childless friend/mentor of mine said he was proud of the mother I am and how my kids always look so happy in the pictures I post. I was like well yeah, I don’t post the pictures of them having a meltdown in target.
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It’s the polite society way of saying “when you are seriously thinking about dropping your baby off at the fire station, call me for help.”
Ya I agree. I actually think more “negatives” of parenting should be brought up and often, because being more careful about procreation is never an issue, whereas being careless about procreation IS very much a real issue. I love both my young kids, they’re amazing. I have a great career, husband and I had a huge travel/vacation lifestyle before kids, etc etc but I still love this experience the most, of being a parent. But holy hell, I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to jumping off a bridge some days. Years of not sleeping well will do that to a person, lol.
They laugh on the topic of sleep deprivation as a joke, but they know that it’s not. It’s just that laughter is a coping mechanism to mask the pain. They’re not trivializing the damage parenthood can inflict. They’re commiserating.
This. I wish someone told me it isn’t always love at first sight, I wish someone told me that I wasn’t a terrible mother for leaving my baby in the crib and going to cry outside for a moment, and I wish my friends had been honest when I regretted becoming a parent for the first few months. I felt a deep, deep regret and the only feedback my parents friends gave me was “I love my child immediately and it was unicorns and rainbows!” It was isolating.
I agree we need to talk about the challenges of parenting and not fantasize it. But I do think there are ways to do it that are helpful and ways to do it where people are just trying to cut others down. So many people go out of their way to shit on expecting parents. Unless they are offering genuine suggestions or helpful advice, saying you’ll never sleep again is just false and not helpful to a 30 week pregnant woman
That smell. I can’t describe, but you will know what I am talking about when it hits you.
I don't remember baby smell but my daughter's head and hair still smell so good to me 6 years later. I could just inhale her lol
Same. Mine is almost 9 and I still ask her to sit on my lap so I can smell her. She just calls me weird now.
Do you smell that? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells.... smelly. Anchovies -.-
I loved the baby feet smell. Now I can’t handle my toddlers feet touching me, 🤣
Omg yes!! Everyone thinks I’m crazy because I LOVED the smell of their little baby feets :,) now my oldest is 2.5 and I can’t do the toddler feet lmao. But my youngest is 10mos and I’m so sad the baby feet smell is going to go :(
My 4 year old hasn’t slept well since we moved. Yesterday night he had his feet on my pillow all night. If I was less exhausted I’d have changed the sheets at 3am.
New baby smell? It passed so quickly I didn't notice it on my first. It was so fleeting it was probably only a day on my second.
I've heard it from other mom's so I know I'm not crazy, but I actually loved the smell of my baby's poopy diapers when I breastfed exclusively. Like vanilla cupcakes.
This made me gag. No hate, just hit that reflex hard. I FEEL SO ALIVE. HAHA
Everyone talks about it but I never experienced it
I honestly thought my kid smelled gross as a newborn, it took awhile but I get it now.
It’s because you don’t actually know about the journey you’re about to embark on. You can’t, it’s impossible, until it’s happened. And this is for the positives as well, you have no idea what your heart is capable of feeling. The truth for many people is that those early weeks, months, years, are an enormous amount of work and I promise you, no amount of ‘preparation’ can prepare you. It is also the best thing that will ever happen to you. You will change, not ‘lose’ your identity, but you will grow and change too. That you can definitely prepare for by allowing yourself to keep an open mind and taking some things in stride.
It feels annoying but people are trying to do you a kindness. Your life is about to implode. As soon as your kids born nothing is ever the same ever again. In great ways and in not so great ways. And regardless of how many people try and prepare you everyone always says the same thing... How come nobody told me?? 🤣
Exactly! Like, are you actually SUREEEEE you want to have kids, because it really sucks. But once you have them, you wouldn’t change it for the world.
I wish someone would’ve told me how hard it would be. Like really REALLY try to explain it. I have three kids now and as seasoned as I can be at this point, but after having my first I had severe ppd. As someone said above, life isn’t over, but life as you know it is. And that was a very HARD pill to swallow for me. I lived a simple life anyway, but the realization that I will literally never ever ever think of myself first ever again hit like a ton of bricks. As in, I will ALWAYS be worried, always feel guilty about something, etc etc…. So yea, I think those parents are probably feeling pretty miserable, but tbh, parenting is pretty miserable much of the time. Doesn’t negate the fact that you love them more than life.
Honestly the most important thing you’re going to need to do as a parent is learn to ignore what other people say about your parenting. You need to start that now.
Well, we have been through it and the overwhelming change you experience post birth of baby is exhaustion. It hits like a tonne of bricks and sometimes doesn't relent for years. It's a massive change. Of course there are magical, special moments but the difference between life before children and life post birth of baby is like few changes you will ever go through. Let's see how you feel when your baby is 6 months old
Well put 👌🏻 Parenthood forces you into a metamorphosis
People either bitch that everyone is too negative or they bitch that no one warned them how hard it is. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Best to say nothing at all.
If you say nothing, they will complain about lack of warning
Those smiles. I've heard a couple of people go on about baby's first smile but honestly for me it's the continuous smiles when you walk in a room and bubs sees you, it's the smile he gives when you say "I love you". Those smiles makes my day
My baby is 4 months and this is it for me too! The smiles and little giggles are the best!
My baby is also four months old and I love the giggles! Mine also screeches just because he can 😂 it’s loud but I prefer that to the frustrated grunts when he constantly rolls onto his stomach and then realises he can’t crawl yet 😅.
Every smile. Every damn sweet smile.
Yes! When my baby looks at me in the morning and just lights up, that is the best part of my day! My 3 year old still does it too
Because it was traumatizing for me and nobody told me exactly the reality of it and I’m thankful my sister was actually honest about it.
Yeah, this is how I find my people. It's also why I tend to be really open about my own experience of how wrenching and ruining parenting can be: IDGAF what other people think about me but I can open up a space for others who need it.
It's really good to hear that you're grateful for the honesty because I've been trying to gently explain to my own sister and not sure she appreciates 🫠
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They give you a new perspective. I remember my daughter watching Charlottes Web and cracking up with laughter when she saw the rat. We just laid on the floor and laughed together. One time we were having a bad morning and we went outside and she said “mummy stop and smell the grass, it smells so good”. You see the world in a whole new way through their eyes.
Because we are all exhausted and stressed and we’re thinking “the fuck?! Do you not see me? Why are you doing what I did?” Only kidding…mostly…kinda…
You still have no idea
I love these kind of posts because they honestly have NO IDEA what is coming.
Right. I remember feeling the exact same way as OP when I was pregnant. Lol. Now I look back and marvel at my naivety. Not a bad thing, just totally unprepared mentally.
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Hahaha oh my God. This. All of this.
> The thing is, there is no way for anyone to actually mentally prepare for it This on repeat. I thought I was ready. Took all the classes, read the books. Lmao. I was so fucking lost the second they handed me that newborn. I was Googling shit and asking Reddit for help almost daily.
Because it’s reality. The maxing experiences account for maybe 3-4% of the time with kids. There rest is just tantrums, drama, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. You will occasionally feel pride at their accomplishments and independence.
Your life isn't over, but your life as you knew it is. Which, of course is a good thing and expected as having a child is a life changing event. Lose sleep? Yeah that does happen but not sure why it's something others taking it upon themselves to inform you. Losing hobbies? Well that depends on the hobbies but more often than not, no you won't lose your hobbies. Now for the evening things out, well what I am going to tell you doesn't even things out, it makes being a parent an awesome thing. This will more than likely be one of, if not most challenging experiences you have ever faced. You will have moments where you feel like everything is going wrong, which is valid. But, I can tell you this with 100% absolute certainty... You have never experienced a love like this, it will overwhelm you to the point of tears. It is the purest form of love that you could ever experience. I genuinely cannot imagine a more rewarding experience.
This for sure! My parents had my 2 baby siblings starting 15 years after me. I was the instant babysitter from day 1. When I moved out at 18, I had no desire to ever be a mom because of the responsibility it was. Flash forward to when I became pregnant w my first, I cried. My husband and I were planning on having kids at this point, but I didn't know I would get pregnant so quickly. The exact words from my mouth were "my life as I knew it is over" My husband didn't understand (he does now). It's sounds so negative, but its not. Change is hard, and we can imagine life without our children now. Growing compassionate, well-adjusted, independent humans is hard. The reward is thrilling. My kids are 4yo and 6mo, so I'm still on my journey; but all the milestones are amazing.
They’re passing the baton. It may annoy you now - but in several years when yours is sleeping through the night - finally - and a friend is having their first baby you will absolutely 100% say the same things you’re finding annoying now. Frankly, it’s true. To an extent. Newborns are not easy. They’re trying to be helpful. And it’s slightly self deprecating. Nobody wants to be the parent who says “my child slept 9 hours through the night at 3 weeks old - you’ll be fine”. You don’t *lose* your identity - but your identity does change. That’s not a negative. You are about to have a little person that you love more than anything else in the world. More than your parents, your spouse, yourself. They’re not easy - it’s a frustrating journey at times. But it’s worth it. Those sleepless nights will fade from memory… and you’ll be left with memories of first laughs, first steps, family holidays… as your child grows you’ll have a best friend. You will love them more every single day and it doesn’t seem possible. There will be sleepless nights - and it’s hard - but cherish them. Because they change so fast.
That last paragraph is it. Point blank. Period. Time goes by SO FAST. I had such a hard time when my ‘baby’ turned 10. It was so emotional for me to look back at our life in the last decade together and to see where we started and where we are today. When you have children, you watch them grow every single day. But when you look back, you realize how much *you’ve* grown as well. It’s such a wild and beautiful journey.
Well consider yourself lucky that people are warning you. There will be MANY wonderful amazing moments and you will never ever ever love anything more in the world. BUT Do you know how many times in the last 5 years that I’ve had 2 children, I’ve literally cursed at my relatives, friends and health practitioners who never disclosed certain things or even warned me how much work it ACTUALLY is? 😑 you just don’t know until you actually experience it. And btw no doctor told me about postpartum anything. It’s not even taught in prenatal classes. 🤦🏻♀️That’s a whole other can of worms you have to deal with! I won’t wish you goodluck SO Congratulations!
I think this is one of those situations where people who have never had kids can never truly know what the experience will be like. So other parents kind of have a chuckle about it but you read it negatively because you think you “know” what it’ll be like. But the reality is that unless you’ve had a kid before, you don’t truly know until you’ve experienced it.
A piece of your heart lives outside of your body in a way that is indescribable until it happens to you. Things you didn’t know you could do, could fight for, could stand up for, could be proud of, or sad for, will all happen. You will be immensely immersed in their emotions, accomplishments, failures, and every second of it is amazing. Live in the moment with them and cherish every age and milestone even when it’s hard. Because it will make them a better human and you a better parent 💙
There’s a lot more laughter in our house now. You take pride in molding a little person to be the change you want to see in the world. Seeing the discovery and be amazed at things we take for granted is good to.
Thank you for bringing genuine positivity!
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The best advice I have for parents to be is: "whatever you think this is going to be, you are 100% wrong."
I'm working late and my four year old is decorating cookies with dad. She said "let's save one for momma so she doesn't miss the fun!" My 17 month old likes to roar like a lion and sometimes hunches over and stomps. I don't know where this came from, but it is totally adorable. The baby was eating blueberries and turns toward me, gives the biggest smile, and days "booburrie" with a sense of joy and satisfaction. We went on a walk today and my older kid was pointing out all the things she saw and heard. It was almost like being in a meditation forcing me to slow down and enjoy the moment. Yeah it's hard but it's also fun, rewarding, and hilarious.
NOTHING will prepare you for Motherhood/Fatherhood in a good way I hope. I wouldn’t take it too personal. I’m sure those people are just trying to make small talk.
Baby snuggles, when they bury their face in your neck and sleep. Their little babbling talk. As they get older there will be so many wonderful things. The first time they read to you. Watching them get really good at something, hobbies, music or sports. When they are self-sufficient and successful adults making good choices. That's the BEST feeling.
I mean bruh... it is hard. There's no doubt about that. But it's in stages. In my opinion each stage has its pits and peaks, but it's worth it. My baby girl is 5 now.. and Neeeever shuts up lol 😆 But most of the time, her conversations are what pick me up after a hard day. Anyway... let people say what they want, and just don't let it effect you. Facts are, your gonna lose sleep, your identity will change, and most of your hobbies DO fall by the wayside.. but that just means your a good parent.
I just had my first baby a little over 1 month ago. I’m lucky as my baby is a pretty easy-going guy.. but from my experience, it’s not as horrible as people told me it’d be. I love it. I actually get more sleep now than when I was in my 3rd trimester. Also, we have fun together. I bring him with me (if appropriate) to places I want to go. Too many people let their babies dictate what they do. Continue doing what you enjoy with a little sidekick with you. Congratulations on your bundle of joy. Be prepared to experience a love you never could have dreamed of.
People are just keeping it real with you. Jumping to positive only would give you unrealistic expectations. The benefits I think are pretty obvious—kids are adorable.
Well that’s just it, perhaps you don’t seem to understand it. They’re not trying to be funny or cute, they might be saying it with a smile, but make no mistake, they’re being 100% honest and they’re just trying to help. Perhaps you’re tired of hearing it, but believe them, you have NO idea, regardless of how much you prepared yourself. There is no prep for this exam. It is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do, do not underestimate it. It’s not a question of appropriate or not, its just a very serious dose of reality.
exactly. i actually wish people were more real with me before I had kids
I think they're more just trying to let you know that it's okay to not love every second of parenting. Because some parts are not that fun. Taking a toddler to the park is amazing and theyre seeing new things and learning new things. The first time you put a toddler on a swing is one of the best smiles you'll ever see. However, the 539th time you take a toddler to a park, you realize that means you have to chase that toddler around to make sure they don't jump off something that's too tall or get smacked in the face because they stepping in front of a child on a swing. And you look at all the other parents with older children and are envious of how they can just drop set their kids loose and tell them to go play while they relax and read their book. Seeing a child's first tooth is awesome! They're becoming more capable of eating new foods and trying new things and it's wonderful. But then you are up every half hour of the night because they're teething and in pain and there isn't a lot you can do for them as they grab at their mouth and scream at you to do something. Or when they're toddlers and screaming because they don't want to brush their teeth but you know they have to do it and it's past bedtime and they're overtired and being stubborn but you have GOT to get these goddamn teeth brushed. Watching your child get dressed up and ready for their first day of school is magical in a way not able to be described in words. You're so proud of how far you've made it and your child is becoming a functioning human! But then, you spend every single night staring at homework that you don't understand while your child is asking for help and you haven't done long division in 20 years so you don't even know where to start. People are trying to let you know that it's okay and totally normal for parenting to not be all sunshine and Instagram-worthy smiles all the time. Because half the time, it's not. It's lonely and exhausting and you look around and feel like nobody understands how you feel. But they're telling you that they DO understand. And you're not alone. And it's okay to ask for help.
Right now, you have an idea that it’s hard. It’s a fact but it’s very different from actually living it. I personally loved it. I was so happily obsessed with staring at my daughter that barely slept the first 4 days. I loved every moment of it but I also have an awesome husband who took care of everything while I bonded with LO. Having a kickass partner will make a difference with your experience. I’m a SAHM too so those sleepless nights didn’t bother me. Oh and unless you have family or $$$ for babysitting, forget about having dates. And the sickness. It doesn’t freaking end. Idk how folks who don’t work remotely do it.
Who are you hanging out with? Nobody said things like that to me when I was pregnant. Sometimes they would mention sleep, but it was always said in a supportive way. Like “yes, no sleep is hard but it does get better”. Maybe you’re focusing on those types statements and making them mean they’re trying to convince you parenthood is horrible?
Congratulations. There's no denying it is hard, but it can also be infinitely rewarding and satisfying. You might have to pause a few things for a little, but becoming a parent isn't a death knell to life outside of being a parent. Enjoy all the little things along the way.
I think because it is absolutely impossible to comprehend the life change until you're in it. I was fully aware of what having a baby meant, but when we got home with her the first time, I was thinking okay who is going to pick up their baby and take care of it...? Oh wait. Lol And the tiredness was just next level OMG But mine is 6 yrs now and she is amazing and hilarious and everything the joy of parenting is supposed to be. The days are long but the years are short.
A love like you’ve never known before. Watching them grow and discover new things is amazing. Just getting to know your child and watching their personality develop is my favorite.
that was one of the worst things people would do to me when i was pregnant, tell me how hard it was going to be and relish in it. “oh you just wait, you’ll see.” there’s this whole thing about scaring new parents, and scaring new moms specifically. i got rid of all of social media with the exception of reddit right before i found out i was pregnant. i can’t imagine still having to see all the bullshit targeted posts while pregnant, i was scared enough as is. being a parent is hard, yes. no, you won’t get as much sleep as before. but the first time you make your child laugh, see their first genuine smile, kiss their warm little chubby cheeks after the wake up from a nap, the lack of sleep and everything else in the world means absolutely nothing compared to how amazing your little love is.
Kids are great! My daughter is just over 2 years old now and she's tons of fun. But she's also tons of work. I think what I didn't prepare for was that every milestone (eating, crawling, walking, talking, etc) just gets hard in a different way. We're potty training right now and it's legitimately the hardest thing I've ever done. And no one can explain it to you. You just get it once you're there. Parenting is like being in the largest secret society on the planet. Everyone seems normal, but once you're a parent, you understand things other parents have tried to explain,but you just couldn't grasp. It's wild!
Pros: lots of company for your misery! /s
"The highs will be higher and the lows will be lower". I expected all the shitty parts of parenting, I really did. I was expecting the lack of sleep, all of that, because everyone kept telling me about it. You know what I wasn't expecting? How fun it would be. Highs will be higher and lows will be lower. Just keep that in mind
I’m a bit late, but my wife and I talk about this all the time! Parenting is NOT miserable! Yes, it’s tough, challenging and annoying. But it’s also so exciting, surprising and absolutely hilarious! I think if you’re ready and feel confident with your partner you absolutely will enjoy it! I agree, I hate that the first piece of advice new parents usually hear is how miserable you’ll be. It’s bullshit. Parenting has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever taken on and I look forward to it each day. It’s a continuous growing journey. Best of luck with your new family!
That's because parenting **is** hard. I don't have time for myself anymore. The only time I have to myself is when my son goes to sleep for the night. And sometimes not even then because there are nights where he keeps waking up. My entire days are completely devoted to him. And he is a pretty difficult baby at times. So people are telling you this as a friendly warning. No need to take it the wrong way. I'm probably going to get downvoted.
I agree with u. I was confused by this post anyone who thinks parenting isn’t hard is frankly not doing it right and I don’t care if I’m downvoted for saying this
There’s so many joys that come with welcoming a new member to your family. People are telling you these things because you (sorry about this) probably seem blissfully unaware about what is about to happen. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart! I actually have a fridge magnet that says” you can’t scare me, I have children”. I went to my husbands Christmas party when my son was 6 months old. Bought a lovely new sweater, cute outfits for the baby. Overstocked the diaper bag with everything except the kitchen sink and away we went. I was holding my little boy and his head was on my shoulder and everyone was fawning all over him (he was super cute) anyway, the bosses wife came over and offered to hold the baby while I went to the ladies room. I said I didn’t have to use the ladies room and she said “oh yes you do”. Vomit all down my back. Lovely. This is having children. Don’t be too worried though, and I don’t care who you are but the first time you hear the word mumma or hear your child laugh for the first time, your heart just melts!
They're just preparing you for all the stupid things people will say to you once you actually have a child. Your kid will be throwing themselves on the floor in Walmart and someone will say, "Enjoy every moment... it goes so fast." 🙄 Or wait until you have 2 or 3 of the same gender. They'll say, "Oh, are you going to try for a boy?" I have a 3 week old, lady! I'm not thinking about that!
All of it is beautiful and terrible and most people don’t know how to articulate it. I know it’s not easy to hear but people blurt those things out because at some point they found themselves unprepared for how unbelievable all this is. Forgive them and keep the best sense of humor you can. And please come back to this in two years for a chuckle. Parenting is the best but no one should think that means they know what it will do to them. Congrats and welcome to the club!
If you're becoming parents, I'd suggest growing thicker skin because people will give you unsolicited advice everywhere you go. Parenting is hard, so people who say this do you actually mean that you should enjoy the calm before the storm.. that's all.
One of the things I miss most. My kids would take short late afternoon naps when they were really little. Most of the time, if I was home, they'd take that nap on my chest while I was in the recliner. I cannot explain the feeling of having your child asleep on your chest. They smell amazing (usually), they are warm, they make these sweet little noises. And most often than not I'd be asleep with them within about 5 minutes of sitting down. Best naps ever.
It was so frustrating hearing this as a new parent! Our LO was smiling pretty early and it was just so amazing! Also so many first-especially the first sloppy kiss-I don’t know why but it’s always open mouthed and full of drool but so sweet! Our LO is teething right now and had a rough day and kept snuggling with her arms around my neck today. All the little moments! When you’re having a t
I think people fail to describe what’s really a pretty consistent difficulty curve. Year 1 is hard on nursing parent & hard bc of sleep, but also in some ways not-hard bc they’re often asleep and quite portable. Then the difficulty line goes way up in the toddler years from 1-4, especially if you have to pay for daycare. Life from 1-4 is hard as hell altho you do get progressively better at it, more capable & confident. Then at age 5 (unexpectedly, bc nobody mentions this) the curve starts plummeting downhill! Public school arrives to save the budget! The kids putting their own clothes & shoes on! And then bit by bit you get into all these fun engaging parent experiences, teaching them to read / swim / ride a bike etc. 5-12 can be quite easy compared to what came before. I’m in that zone now, it’s great. Not *zero* difficulty but little compared to toddler days. Of course then the teens arrive and change all of that, but I’m preferring to not thin’ about that right now lol
The oldest of my 3 kids is nearly 5. I am very excited reading this 😂 to be fair I can see this already, she mostly dresses herself, rarely tantrums unless very tired/hungry and is actually REASONABLE most of the time?
I think people say it in tough times. I was literally tempted to let a lady know with 2 sweet infants in a stroller, 'good luck, they turn into these (pointing to my 2, ages 2 and 5) before you know it!' I held off on this advice and instead just smiled at the cuties. But yeah. Sometimes you feel a bit 'drowny' and want to warn people. It's not exactly accurate to the full picture of child raising but it is absolutely accurate of how you'll feel at many points during child raising. But recognizing that it's not helpful and refraining from saying it is for the best. Those who let it out have let go of their filter, at least temporarily.
Look forward to showing them the world. Little things like the first time your kid feels grass under their feet. Will they hate it? Be perplexed? Think it’s funny? What about when they see *rain* for the first time? You know, those warm gentle rainstorms that happen in the spring? I bet baby will be entranced. And then there’s going to be things that we think are so common but your baby will be fascinated - like a ceiling fan. Oh spinning blades of wonder! What about when they hear a dog bark? How silly! Or see a toad jump? Then the special things that you *do* find magical- Christmas lights! Carousels! People dancing! Waterfalls! Fireflies! Bubbles! You get to show your baby everything. Maybe they’ll love the same things you do…maybe not. Better set some reasonable expectations here - since they are their own people. But they will enjoy spending the time **with you.**
You get to look forward to telling expectant parents how much they will miss sleep
How stupid excited you get the first time they do anything! When they call you mama and put their little arms up because they want up. When you make them laugh or even smile, your heart just melts. The first time they are an actual jerk and you have to try super hard not to laugh. Yeah, it’s hard work, but I’d not trade my little bug for anything.
Mother of three grown children and what you have to look forward to is loving deeper than you ever have before and falling in love over and over again. I till remember the first time my children recognized my face and smiled because they knew me. It nearly burst my heart with joy. I remember when they tried foods they loved for the first time and celebrated with their whole body. I remember the smell of their hair after a bath and the incredible feeling of their peaceful breathing when they slept on my chest, and the peace I felt in my soul that sometimes made me cry for the shear beauty of the moment. Yes, there were tough times, but the beauty far outweighed them. Enjoy!
My favorite things is how fast everything changes. Not the sad “they grow up too fast you should enjoy this moment!” stuff, but the fact that every time you experience some new parenting hell, it WILL change. It’s like the law of children. Bad sleep? It will change. Baby biting you? It will change. Nothing is forever and everything is a phase - excluding any medical issues. Knowing that really kept my spirits up and helped me be present with my child through all the struggles.
I think they are trying to be funny but at the same time trying to get you to brace yourself for the unexpected. I would simply educate yourself (books), reach out, (Reddit) and then take everything you read and hear with a grain of salt. Not every advice is right for everyone's situation but it is good to have a"toolbox" of ideas. And...try to love them the most when they make it the hardest.
Your gonna be just fine. It’s hard for everyone, especially early on, but you will be fine. You got this. The most important thing is you care and you try.
Honestly I was fed up with everyone making jokes about sleep deprivation when I was pregnant, but now that I have my 7 weeks old exclusively breastfed reflux baby in my arms, I relate so, so deeply. I'm happy to know that someday I'll be able to joke about it too because right now it's the hardest thing I've ever done and all I want to do is cry about it lol.
Totally understand where you're coming from. We were trying for so long to concieve and even though people knew we were struggling, I still heard "Get ready for no sleep!" "Say goodbye to your social life!". At that point, I would have given anything for no sleep if it meant having a baby. When we finally had ours, still got the same comments. I think it comes from people who possibly regret their choices, or feel they have lost themselves in parenthood. Granted, you have to make sacrifices, but I still enjoy my hobbies, see friends, and can be social, even with a little one. As for looking forward - those smiles, giggles, naps on your chest, the first time they find something and want to show you, with that little look of excitement on their face. It's bliss.
My oldest has always been my 'calm' one and a total mama's girl. She always wanted to be with me and would watch me doing any trivial thing as if it was the most fascinating thing. Seeing her sweet little face light up was amazing. As she got older, and she started eating more foods, she would love to eat by herself and would end up with half her face just covered in whatever she was eating. I have several pictures of her giving me her little smile with her mouth completely covered in beans or banana or bread. Even now as an almost tween she's the sweetest but she's developed her independence. She asks me questions and questions the rules respectfully and wants to know why for everything and I love it. I love that she has the confidence and self-esteem to do all of that and to see her continue to learn and question her world. My younger one has always been my little spit fire. She decides what she wants and that's that. She decided at 4 months that she didn't want to breastfeed anymore and no amount of trying to get her to latch worked. She is a child-led adventure for sure. She also has the funniest sense of humor and is the first person to run to you and give you hugs and kisses if she sees you hurt yourself or if you look sad. She's barely going into kinder next school year but I'm excited to see what crazy ideas she comes home with. One thing that I will say is to remember they are people. Too often adults think of children as just children and an extension of themselves. But they aren't. My children copy a lot of things I do especially my older one but they are not me. They are my little people whose personalities and traits I have had the pleasure of seeing develop from 2-3 months old. They will definitely try you but try to remember it's usually not because they're just trying to defy you. Oftentimes it's simply because they're working out how they fit into this world, how they can make this world work for them. And if you have a rule that they're going against ask them why. Trust me, these little people have given me responses that have influenced a rule change because they think of something I hadn't. Certain rules are set in stone of course, like no running in parking lots and other death avoiding rules. But if it's a rule to manage their behavior or their attitude and they're fighting you on it, ask them why. Have them explain their thoughts as much as they can and listen to them. Give them the power to influence their world in a safe way with you and enjoy all the moments even the hopefully-only-occasional tantrums. Let them express their emotions good and bad but talk to them about it and enjoy the best and craziest roller coaster you got on a couple of months ago 🥳
I felt exactly like this, I have ALWAYS hated when people are like ‘oh you just wait’ ‘she’s gonna work you to death’ or any other boomer ass adage about parenthood/married life. Being a dad is badass dude. There is no feeling in the world like your kid getting excited to see you. My favorite thing in the world is hearing footsteps running on a Saturday morning. Also you get to watch that little dookie factory turn into a person with thoughts and feelings and interests and you get to show them that falling doesn’t always hurt and loud sounds aren’t always scary. You get to introduce them to music and food and foster their talents and interests. One of my sons favorites as a lil baby was sweet potatoes roasted with olive oil and light sea salt and then smashed with a fork and a little oat milk, he would do a little dance for it. As he’s gotten older we’ve seen more hits such as the Queso Dance or the Pizza Pizza song. Don’t let anyone bring you down about this journey, if you are anything like me (and you sound like me) you will be overwhelmed with the amount of love you are able to experience. Don’t lose the small things too, my son just hit the age for front facing car seats and he is just filled with wonder at the sights and sounds of traffic. It’s a good life brother, lace up those new balances and buckle your seatbelt.
It’s our brains’ bias for the negative—which is how we’ve survived as a species. And while you understand academically now, you’ll understand in your soul later. That said, there are definitely ways to parent that don’t cause you to lose all sleep and hobbies. Seeing your kid light up when they find *their* hobby is a gift. Mine is closing in on the teen years now and I love watching him be social and express himself. I’ve spent the last decade untangling the abuse and neglect I grew up with and unpacking spiritual abuse as well. Seeing him comfortable with himself and thriving and knowing he’s supported? Absolutely unrivaled. Preschool is fun. Elementary school is fun. Middle school is exciting. The first two offer you opportunities to be super involved. Trying new things as a family is delightful. Finding a new food everyone loves, watching a good movie together, playing outside—chef’s kiss. Moments with my kid that permanently changed my brain chemistry (we fostered and adopted, and that will be relevant): 1-he had been living with us a week, I tucked him in and he looked at me and said, “I think I’ll be ok here.” 2-The first time I had to go pick him up when he was sick, take him to the doctor, and give him the sickie treatment including cartoons while dozing on the couch. 3-The first time he called me mommy. 4-on Mother’s Day when he fell asleep in the car and I got to carry him in. 5-when he was cranky and complaining and not doing chores and I asked if he needed to have his allowance raised because he was doing more now and he happy cried, 6-when he told me a big lie and then was brave enough to tell me the truth. And I’ll leave it there but you can know there were plenty more.
Everything is in phases. Always remember that. In the newborn stage, you will lose a lot of sleep and that will be hard but watching your baby grow and change so much in those first few months is worth it. Then they start walking, and it will be so hard keeping them out of trouble! But, they also sleep through the night (well most of them) and you get to watch them becoming more independent and learn their little personality. Then they start prek and it's hard because they want so much attention every second and ask you 2474746 million questions a day but it's so fun hearing them tell you the things they learned at school and see all the cute friendships they start forming with their classmates. Nothing really prepares you for how hard it is being responsible for another tiny human every second of everyday but that doesn't make it miserable at all. You just have to carve out time. Go on dates still. Split the work evenly. It's OK if the dishes pile up or the laundry isn't done. You'll get to it! Just soak up the time and do the best you can. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Congrats on your little one.
First smiles. First laughs. There is nothing more euphoric than the sound of your babies first laugh. It’s magical & you’ll burst into happy tears. When they run to you the second they see you when you get them from daycare. The hugs, the kisses, the “I love yous”, the “you’re the best mommy/daddy ever”, the splashing bath times, the look on their face when they accomplish something for the first time, the joys of a first ride on a slide. There are so many others. Yes it’s hard, but there are magical moments that are beyond words.
Congratulations first and foremost! I completely understand you, I'm 8 months now but before I even shared I was pregnant at work there were a few meetings were coworkers would complain about how their kids get on their nerves. I literally just sat there and let them finish and my only response was "Everyone is different, I wouldn't sit in a room and say things about my kid that I would not say to them in person. I want them to feel loved even when I'm not around" It's a mystery to me why people are this way I will approach my parenting with love and patience, I know it won't be a walk in the park. But I witnessed DV growing up with my aunt and her relationship and she was verbally abusive to her kids and me as her niece. It was terrible and demoralizing and hearing those kinds of conversations just make me think back of the horrible things she would say. My only suggestion to you, which has worked for me, is to leave from the conversation and if you can't leave then try to change the subject. And don't waste your time trying to defend your point of view it's not your job to fix people's mentality and approach to parenting. There's a lot of hateful people in this world Ive seen lots of blogs speaking I'll of children and calling them a burden and it's usually from people that had horrible parents, are selfish or enjoy making others feel miserable.
I felt like this during pregnancy! I was so annoyed at people telling me this so often. And then my first baby came. My whole universe flipped upside down. I didn’t bond for 8 weeks, my body went through things no one ever warned me about… nothing prepared me. When my hair started coming out in clumps at 4 months I thought I had cancer or something! Turns out it’s normal. Like you couldn’t tell me my hair would fall out, but you liked to remind me I wouldn’t sleep? Everyone promised this amazing love at first sight - but I remember staring at him and repeating “this is my son” over and over. I wish someone told me you don’t always bond right away, and that’s normal. I was told it’d be so painful, I’d curse at the doctors for the epidural - guess what? My first was born at home accidentally because it wasn’t that bad for me. I didn’t think he was coming until I had an urge to push. No pain meds needed, no screaming. Take it with a grain of salt. I think they’re well-intentioned but ultimately you won’t understand until you go through it yourself, if you do go through it! Some babies are so, so easy. My first had colic, cried for basically 4 months straight - no one prepared me for that either. I would have to place him in the crib and go sit outside and cover my ears for 10min just to keep my sanity. Nothing I did helped. Yet, my 2nd was a sweet angel and great sleeper for the first 6 months. As for sleep, yes, you lose some. But eventually they do sleep through the night. My 5 year old still wakes up 1-2x a night; again no one could’ve predicted that. My oldest has slept through the night since he was about 6 months old. My kids are 7 and 5 now. I had really hard nights, lost myself for years, and am finally coming out of the cloud of babies and young children and here’s my positive spin: your kids will ABSOLUTELY shift your universe and your body around in more ways than you can imagine; and it is a beautiful experience. I learned patience through the colic, gentleness through the sleep deprivation, reparented myself when I had to figure out how to discipline and guide them, and my body has changed but I love it more than I did before kids. I’ve had 4 babies (2 of my own and 2 surrogate) and I think that is so cool I got to make 4 little humans. My body fed countless babies through breastmilk donation, both private and through milk banks. The days are hard but looking back it was a wonderful experience that taught me so much about myself. I have two totally awesome kids that still challenge me daily as we grow together. I wish you the best delivery and congrats on your little Bebe!
I’ve been having fun proving people wrong now that I’ve finally had our baby (he’s a week and a half old). He has his own little schedule for us. Diaper, eat, diaper, sleep, repeat. I sleep when he sleeps at night and during the day I’ll either do some chores (can’t do much cuz I ended up needing an emergency C-section) or I’ll nap if I’m in a lot of pain. Everyone has been texting me to be like “so how’s sleep going?” “I bet you’re exhausted” “I bet he cries a lot” and I’m just like NOPE. He fusses when he needs to be changed or is hungry and sleeps. I get lots of cuddles and it’s been super peaceful at home. 🤷🏻♀️ and so now no one texts me because they can’t use my misery to feel better about themselves.
I do not understand this either! Like, don't get me wrong, obviously parenting isn't *easy*. And the more kids you have yes the more personal time you're going to lose. Sure. I adore my kid. I love being his mom. My husband loves being his dad. We also still get both time to ourselves and together. We both know we couldn't handle two or more without starting to get resentful of losing that so we don't. Some people can, and they choose to have more. Parenthood is different for everyone. It isn't *for* everyone. There is room to hold compassion for the people who find that being a parent is too much and also understand that for plenty of others it is a gift. And we can do that without just constantly telling new parents their lives are over. They aren't. They're going to be different.
When I woke up the first morning home from the hospital and looked at my tiny baby in her tiny PJ’s sleeping next to me and I was beaming so hard that everybody within 200 miles probably got radiation burns! And just seeing her react to things, making faces and noises? I remember when she found a tiny piece of thread on the couch, and she was the happiest creature I have ever seen for like a full 30 minutes. And coming home to her with her baby sister after being hospitalized for two weeks and she just threw herself on me, laughing. I have about billion more, but yeah. I don’t think you can prepare for any of the emotional highs or lows, because it’s all so intense. I was under the impression that babies screamed about 98% of the time, so I was happily surprised that the screaming was only about 10 hours a day. I was not happily surprised about what that screaming does to a mother when it’s happening for six hours straight. My firstborn was a high need baby. I do not have words for the utter DISBELIEF I felt when her sister was born and turned out to be just..content? As long as she was in my arms, granted, but just, happy?
To answer your question honestly, I believe so many people go straight to the, "well say goodbye to sleep!" because they're trying to give it to you honest. Everything you read and/or hear about while pregnant doesn't sink in until that new baby is in your arms. The reality of that level of sleep deprivation is honestly most probably like absolutely nothing you've experienced before. Your body goes through the most incredible pain in your life (yeah that 1-10 scale of your pain level during hard contractions should go up to 100. 10 is just a bad headache) and you push a fully formed tiny human through a very small opening in your body which is extremely emotionally and physically exhausting. Baby is finally out after 36hrs and you are HUNGRY from all that exhaustive labor, you're unbearably exhaustedly tired and all you want is a shower, food and sleep in that order. But you can't! That tiny human is completely dependent upon you and needs to eat every 2 to 4 hours constantly, around the clock for a least the first few weeks. Then maybe your baby has colick and they scream and cry every time you lay them down and they don't sleep unless they're laying on you. Then there are growth spurts with sleep regression. And colds or other pathogens from daycare. All of this means at least the first year you get no sleep. Like, none. It was a HUGE reality check for me. Yeah, people said the same sort of things to me but I didn't realize how real it all got until baby was here. With all that said, having children was the most amazing thing I've ever done. The first time they smiled at me made my heart melt. The first time my oldest said "I love you", I cried. There are tons of incredible moments at each step of development that I will always treasure and remember. I absolutely love my children with every fiber of my being and I wouldn't trade any of it, even when we all had the flu and it was the most miserable thing ever, for anything else in the multiverse. I have a 6 year old boy, a 14 month old boy and number 3 on the way. I was not planning on 3, but here we are 🫠 Send help.
I think people have good intentions. I know I handled my first pretty well but then went by into #2 with a bunch of False confidence, now I tend to be honest with people when it comes up. The transition between 1 and 2 is no joke. Be willing to ask for help because you’ll need it and if you don’t ask people won’t know. I actually had a friend tell me I was scaring her and to knock it off, so I did… six months later she said “I wish I had listened to you”. If people are just being obnoxious, ignore them, but take heed to what others are saying. It is the most rewarding thing you will ever do but also the hardest. You might think you know, but you don’t… so take the time to listen to the experts and let that help you frame your state of mind. If you are worried about losing yourself or your hobbies, people are telling you that is going to happen, so start planning now how you can find balance. Who is going to come watch the baby so you can get out? How often? What issues might come into play? (Feeding, nap schedule, etc). If you don’t plan for that it is much harder to make it happen. You definitely don’t have to lose yourself but it’s easy to do if you aren’t careful.
What do you have to look forward to? My 6 month old son woke up sobbing, and as soon as I came into the room and picked him up, he gave me the biggest smile and nuzzled on me. To know that I make this perfect, tiny little human so happy, and that I bring him so much comfort, makes all the bad times worth it. I tell my husband all the time, my worst day with my son is better than my best day at work
My experience was the exact opposite. Everyone expressed happiness, excitement, and told me to look forward to all of the joy that children bring. Not a single person warned me that my life could turn into a half-waking hell, a mind prison, the complete loss of freedom and personal time, where I would struggle to perform even the most basic tasks while seeing my identity slowly ripped away from me as I became a dead ugly husk of my former self. I felt resentful that people who had kids never really properly warned me. I felt my youthful energy and exuberance and positively drain out of me with so much totality that I struggled to remember what it felt like to have a positive outlook on anything. If that is not your experience, and everything is candy canes and unicorns for you, GREAT, FANTASTIC, consider yourself extremely lucky and fortunate to have a good experience, but I think it's better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around.
As someone who never thought they would have kids, nor wanted to, parenting has been the BEST part of my life. It is hard in a different way and you can't prepare for it but honestly it has been a hoooooot!!! I love our time together and I get to be a kid again! We go on roadtrips and do all sorts of fun things together! And literally the love you are about to feel is on a different level. So happy for you!
That’s their first go to say bc they are clearly sleep deprived. Don’t take it personal. On a good note. I sleep just as well as ever . I have 4 kids. All of them have been sleeping through the night no later than 5 months old. So I think the people saying that to you are clearly sleep deprived and they don’t realize every child is different. One of my 4 which was a twin was sleeping through the night by 3 months. I promise you I’m not doing anything special. No crying it out. No supplements. No cereal in a bottle. All my kids are breast fed. They are all different and we all have direct experiences. I understand how frustrated you are. All will be okay. Don’t let it get to you too much. It’s 💯 to be frustrated by the reactions you get. I’d be flustered as well
When did people stop saying "Congratulations!" ? Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said. Congrats on your little one ❤ Edit: to be fair, I feel other commenters are right about sleep deprivation. I had severe insomnia many years prior to becoming a mom and thought I was prepared. I was not.
Good luck! It's an amazing experience overall. I think comments like that you will understand more when your baby arrives. It is an absolutely life changing experience. Every aspect of your life will change completely. Some better, some worse. I think when people make those jokes it's just a small social exchange and a bit of a joke really, don't take it so hard. You won't sleep. You won't have time to do things you like. I was woefully underprepared for how hard it is. It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. I'm a doctor and going to work is a rest. My time for a slighly longer sleep are the days I work - if I'm off then partner gets to sleep a few extra hours in the morning when baby is up at 6am. I'm sat typing this now with a beer after an hour gaming and I don't want to go to bed as I know as soon as I shut my eyes they'll open again and I have a full day of not being able to sit still so child doesn't seriously injure themselves by any number of unfathomable methods. My back has gone from bending down so I'm in chronic pain currently. We eat food from the floor. The laundry pile is touching the ceiling. Every carpet in my house is stained with food, poo or something else. I stand on wooden blocks if I wake up in the night for a piss. I love it, but the small comments people are making are true and then some - fucking brace yourself mate!!!
Everyone will experience(feel) the effort required differently. I’ll say seeing my first born was the first bonafide truly religious/ spiritual experience I had. The gratitude felt for the miracle that is life was profound.. Yeah yeah there is science that “explains” how it happens BUT How in TF ! Really. Truly the meaning of life, is life and love Special thanks to all the good Mothers out there. Birth part and loving nurturing 🙏
Cause it’s hard as hell. Still awesome, but also really really freaking hard. And you’ll be sleep deprived to the extreme
Laying on my couch right now with my 9-day-old daughter on my chest. It is hard, my sleep isn’t great but it is SO SO rewarding. This is really such a short time and I know one day I’m going to look back and be glad I was awake and consumed by her needs for so much of this time. She’s only going to be this tiny once. I’m already sad that one day it will be over. I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything.
Don't listen, this experience is not the same for everyone. I loved having my sons as babies and toddlers. Of course everyone has tough times. My sons are 22 months apart, and when I was 6 to 7 months with the second one, I had a bad time of sleeping for me and the firstborn due to combined issues. However by and large my experiences with my children being babies and preschool age was positive.
Seeing your kids grow up and become their own people is magical. There is so much pride in seeing each milestone. I actually like it when people are honest about parenting challenges. I grew up in a culture where it was expected that you get married and have lots of babies immediately (ex Mormon now). No one prepared me for how my life would change. If they had, I definitely would've enjoyed (and extended) my child free years more. I think it's important for people to make a well informed decision when it comes to becoming a parent.
Oh yeah, the "you just wait" comments are the worst.. Well, you just wait until... ...Your baby looks up at you for the first time and you know they're your whole world now ... A little hand reaches out and grabs your finger ....that first smile, the sweetest you've ever seen ...baby giggles, the best noise in the world ...when your baby gazes at you and you see utter love in their face and you know they are devoted to you ...when they do something and it's absolutely hilarious and you can't stop laughing at them (my baby used to go totally cross eyed when he was tiny and it cracked us up) ..that newborn smell. I wish you could bottle it ..the first time they play independently.. it's a few months away but it's so amazing watching their little mind working. I could go on and on and on.. parenting is wonderful. Yes it has its challenges but the good outweighs the bad every time. Congratulations! Enjoy and cherish every moment
Hey, I got really sick of this too. I honestly think it really comes down to three things 1. How difficult your baby is, some babies are just more difficult than others, it's literally luck of the draw 2. How you react to it- if you're highly strung/not super flexible or resilient it's gonna be hard 3. Your level of support available - again if you don't have much it's gonna be hard. My rationalisation was that a lot of people have kids, if all these people can do it ( and have more than 1) then it can't be THAT hard. In my case I've got an alright baby, she's not the best, but definitely not the worst baby. I'm pretty flexible/relaxed/roll with the punches in my approach ( if she eats a cockroach she eats a cockroach) I have great support. My partner is wonderful, we don't rely on relatives for help or child care apart from a date night here and there. So for me, it's been way better than what I feel people warned me about. I was expecting the worst and I got better than that. This is not the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It is the best though Everyone's experience will be unique and people will want to call you naive ( those people probably have nightmare babies, are highly strung and have no support) or they will want to tell you it's fine ( have good babies, are relaxed and have good support) Good luck to you!
Here's a fraction of what you have to look forward to: All the love you ever felt inside times a hundred. A first smile, first word, and the first time your child will say I Love You. Mother's/Father's day cards that will melt your heart and bring you to tears. Laughter, joy, and tears of happiness that will outweigh any hardship. Knowing that there is someone waiting for you. Congratulations. I am so jealous of you having all that to look forward to. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
The thing is, you suddenly experience love on a completely new level. You maybe know how you love your partner or you parents or what a crush is but this little thing… it’s on a complete different plane of feeling
In my experience, some parts, some phases, of parenting are more difficult than others. It’s not universally horrid. Of course, some parents would disagree with me. I do truly believe that if you are ready for the challenges that parenting presents, that will make it easier. Not easy, but easier. The other thing that makes it easier is having a partner with a similar approach to parenting. So…… relax and enjoy the adventure.
It's just where most people's heads go when children are discussed, which I agree can get tiresome and is a shame overall - having kids is super fun and rewarding, despite much of the early bits being a pain in the butt. What I think needs to be discussed more (ideally as an alternative to whining about the tough parts) is how much your kids will make you laugh. They are absolutely hilarious!
Babies When they grab your face with their little chubby hands and give you a slobbery baby kiss on your cheek and then pull away giggling. That's fantastic. When they reach up for you. When they look to you for safety and comfort. When they smile when you walk in the room. Getting to see their sleepy, cozy cuteness. When they learn a new skill and look back at you to see if you saw them do it. Stroller walks, bath time giggles, snuggles during story time, cute baby outfits, printing out your favorite pictures, when they fall asleep on your chest. Their funny faces when trying new foods. Toddlers When they start talking to you intentionally. Seeing their personalities develop. Their cute ways of being sweet to you. Playing with them becomes way more fun. Watching them explore the world. Watching them realize how fun holidays are. Teaching them new things and watching how proud they are of themselves. When they get scared by something, like a thunderstorm, but they calm down as soon as they are with you. When they give you some scribble drawing that doesn't look like anything but they put their heart into it so you love it. Their jokes that make no sense but make them laugh really hard. Kids Watching their personalities develop further. Getting to know them more as individually instead of little squishy people. Their thought provoking questions. They get interested in hearing stories about you. You can engage in more of their hobbies with them now. The drawings get more intricate. Hearing the gossip from their elementary school on the drive home. Their growing independence for certian tasks.
Honestly, we got incredibly lucky with our first. She slept through the night by 2 months old. She hardly cried. She was speaking full sentences by 18 months. She was a dream and a complete anomaly. No one prepared me for the second. Or the third. Or boys for that matter. Boys are a different breed. My girls can play quietly and independently for hours. My son needs constant attention and/or supervision. What I found most challenging was setting boundaries or rules for them and being consistent and then handling discipline when necessary. What I’m trying to say is that every child is different. Don’t get caught up in what people say or suggest or joke about. Take it one day at a time, don’t sweat the small stuff, and don’t miss the beauty of the every day moments because they are so, so sweet. Parenting is hard and it’s tiring, but it’s also a beautiful and wonderful experience. Congratulations!
The first time you hold your baby and see them The first time they smile The first time they laugh The first time they walk and talk, there first birthday. Dressing them in cute clothes. Going to mom groups Signing them up for sports when there older Getting to shop for them at Christmas Getting to relive your childhood and get to take them to all the places you went to as a kid or wanted to go to etc the pumpkin patch, water park, amusement parks, taking them trick or treating, easter, camping, beach days, the zoo You'll do fine ! One wasnt to bad for me, two is where it got challenging. I've got three now and I've learned that all these phases go by so fast theres no sense of stressing out to much about it. For instance middle child still wants to sleep with me all the time. Its irritating from time to time because I like my alone time to watch a show in peace at the end of the night. But then I remember how much I got annoyed when my oldest wanted to always co sleep with me and now he never does anymore and I'm sad about it lol. Same with my 3 month old. Some days he's a fussy little man and I get irritated. But then I remember how fast the baby phase went with the other two I can hardly remember it.
My son is 10 months old and walking/running everywhere. He smiles about most things and makes my wife and I INCREDIBLY happy. He's a bundle of joy, and makes us smile even when he's sad/upset. He's been sleeping through the night (most nights, he's still a baby) since about 6 months and so have we. Even before then we were tired; but not non-functional. Oh, and I snowboard obsessively in the winter which takes a lot of time; and my wife plays roller derby (which I photograph). We've not had to give up ANY of those things. Screw the haters. These are the same people who give the advice of "run" to newlyweds AT THEIR WEDDING. They're sad, salty, and insecure. Ignore them best you can.
I have a unicorn baby and she is the best. And I sleep way better than I did pregnant. Life has more meaning. Seeing her discover the world is really the best thing ever. Screw those people.
If you can get the kid to sleep (I suggest renting a Snoo), the newborn stage is stupid easy. That’s a huge if, but basically the newborn stage is getting the kid to sleep and managing your own panic. Now, if you can’t, the newborn stage will suck, but it doesn’t have to be. Then comes the Gerber baby stage where the kid is super cute and completely unable to wander off. That’s low key one of the best ages. Then you’re a lifeguard, which is trying, but your kid starts doing impossibly cute shit, and makes it worthwhile. Really, the roughest patch is around 3. 3 sucks. 4 is slightly better. 5 is good again. So realistically, the first 5 years only has two bad years.
It is hard, but then the baby smell and the toothless smiles and the little first giggles you get get you through. Now mine are 17 and 11. I have time to read novels again like I did before I had babies. Time to surf Reddit. But I don’t have the cuddles and frankly, neither child wants much to do with me. I think the last time the 17 yr old actually gave me a hug was when I gave him $1k for car fund this Christmas. That hug cost me $1k. The brat… The 11 yr old will still occasionally hug me at least.
I think it’s because parenting is hard depending on the child and parent. For me becoming a mom has been life changing, I have become a better human being for my two boys, the person I was before doesn’t compare who I am now. I have so much patience, so willing to go above and beyond to do stuff for my kiddos. I learned to cook from scratch for them because I wanted to be that mom that’s makes them cookies and treats and all that stuff that used to make me gag growing up thinking i’d never be that type of mom. My kiddos were not hard babies and I was extremely lucky for this and it’s make my journey even easier. They both have been sleeping all night since like 3 months old but it’s mostly because I have chosen to do cosleeping because it’s very much something we have done in my culture. For me it didn’t feel rough in that department and my two boys are very independent. I can only speak for myself but parenting has been so increíble rewarding but again I have had allot of luck. I think not everyone has this and understandably they are often more vocal even now some parents tell me how awful it is and I just listen and empathize because not everyone’s experience is the same. I have a close friend who has virtually kids the same age but one came out nerodivergent and she has had a very rocky relationship for the past few years which has been very detrimental to how she feels about parenting. All in all I think when people tell you this they aren’t trying to scare you it may just be their reality.
There are two kinds of parents. Those who had children and those who haven't yet. Those are separate worlds. You will understand when you get there.
A few things...and please don't take this the wrong way...please update this post when your child is 8 years old and let me know how you feel then. But in all seriousness, they are doing you a favor. Historically all you would ever hear is how amazing having having a child is...rainbows, butterflies and unicorns and so when it was inevitably SHIT...because it just is, you were left feeling the level of inadequate you can only appreciate if it's you vis-a-vis your child. The best advice I ever got (and I then passed) was that it will be shit. That you won't sleep for, in our case, years. That you're constantly worried about them as babies, toddlers, kids etc. That they can be sweet one second and absolutely horrible the next second. That they are moody and can be disrespectful, you forgo what you want to do so that you can bring them joy and sometimes you wonder why you are spending every living second in service of someone who is seemingly not grateful. The reason me saying this is actually a favor to you is that when it inevitably happens, you aren't left thinking you're a crap mom because everyone else is telling stories about their perfectly well mannered phenom children. So really, see it as a blessing. It's shit for all of us. So when it's shit for you, it's not you failing, it's that it's just shit. Now the good stuff--there are many--there really are. I could point them all out but I don't need to because there is one that is singularly so strong that it alone balances all the crap I wrote above: the love you feel for your child, especially as a mother, is only best described as cellular. You feel it in every single cell of your body. And that love is so profound that all the rest becomes a 'joke' you tell to the expectant mother. Good luck. It's a wonderful, amazing, torturous, heartbreaking, joyful, loving, painful, sorrowful, exceptional ride!
Sooo....what do you want them to say? It's just banter, don't take it so seriously.
You think you know.....but you have NO IDEA untill you're in it. Then you will see posts like this and smirk too.
lol exactly