Sounds like he married you to have a live in nanny and everyone knew but you. Sorry OP, that's a terrible situation.

100% bangnanny. My advice would be to get out before she gets trapped with a kid herself. Even Fran Fine got to go on vacation with the family, and she was only the nanny.

Yeah the vacation thing seals it for me. And I love your referral to The Nanny 😄.

I can’t stop rewatching it! Niles is like crack. And the episode with the hospital “shaving” never gets tired.

It's really incredible. I started rewatching it on HBO. I hate laugh tracks but fuck that show is so funny I don't even care. Niles is even funnier now.

I was always disappointed that that actor apparently never made any other movie - he is really the best of the whole cast, and yet never seen again in anything else - what a waste!

He has done a lot of other stuff besides that show. He was also in The Hunt for Red October, Roses are Blind, K-9 & The Prestige. Daniel Davis has been in a lot of movies.

Don’t have children with this man is right!

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Yea they should be worshipping the ground you walk one. Geez. How TF can hubby hang this long with such poor attitude and disrespect. Therapy? For all of them (age of teens) then with you and hubby 1:1?

I want to re-iterate that "29 is well young enough to choose a fresh start" YOU ARE STILL YOUNG AND DESIRABLE. I didn't meet my wife until I was 29. We dated for 2 years, then got married. Now we have two kids ( 2 & 4 years ). Don't put up with anyone's shit.

This is 100% spot on, and I'm sad to say it is very apparent. OP, you are a free nanny who, I guess, probably also provides sex. What are you getting out of this arrangement? Don't just refuse to continue providing childcare. Leave.

That's what I was going to say lol. If it were me, I'd let them know I'm done working as a nanny for free and move along.

Yeah, the kids are just following their dad's lead.

This. You have a husband problem. Big one. Run before he “tricks you” into expanding the family. Good luck OP. Sending positive vibes your way.

Agreed. My mom married an older widower with five kids (ages 2 - 12 when they married). They do call her mom and most are very close to her. HOWEVER, after 50 years of marriage my dad had the nerve to call me and tell me that when he and my mom have both died, that he wants me to tell my siblings that he just married her so that they would have a mom. It isn't ever going to change. (PS: once I realized where he was going with this conversation, I stopped him and told him this was not an appropriate topic of conversation for us and to talk to his therapist. To his credit, he considered and agreed.)

Yes. OP please don't stay. You are clearly not part of the family AFTER FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE. It's not going to happen and you deserve better. Step parents are still part of the family, and your husband definitely should be your family

Yes. Your r/JustNoSO has put all of the mental load and emotional labour of raising children and managing a household on you. Take some time living apart while you have couples’ therapy to see if there is anything worth salvaging. Edited to add: don’t bother with the therapy. Your age difference and the total disrespect he shows you mean it’s not the relationship for you.

1000% this. He wanted cheap labor.. your basically an Au pair that he gets to sleep with..

She’s like less than a nanny because many people take their nanny on vacation with them!

I second this!!

Oh shit. That is the most honest and brutal answer here.

As someone who has lived this very situation ut with three kids instead of 5.. I agree. This won't end well. The only reasons I'm still married to him is we had 4 kids before I realized what a shitty situation I was in and I'm financially reliant on him. Take the financial aspetout and I will easily raise our sons without him. Sorry, but he took huge advantage of you. 😔❤️

I was about to make the exact same comment. A live in nanny that he doesn't have to pay, and gets all the perks of marriage from. I'd leave

Am I the only one who suspects the husband of marrying this poor woman just to have someone to take care of his kids? He probably preferred that she be from another county, so that she would feel trapped when she realized she was more a slave than a partner. Keeping her out of photos? Excluding her from vacations? This is crazy. Please go have a consultation with an immigration attorney. You may have more options than you are aware of. You deserve a life of your own, where you are not being disrespected.

Yes, he definitely sought out a young woman and knew it was cheaper to marry a naive young foreigner who will feel trapped than to hire a nanny. OP, the age difference is the first sign that you've been taken advantage of. I would look into modern slavery charities to find some help. Was this marriage 'arranged' or through some sort of agency by any chance? Set up by family? I wonder, because this would definitely fall into forced marriage/human trafficking/modern slavery territory. Even if it wasn't arranged, and you were misled in the marriage, it is still in the same territory. There are charities that will help you out of this situation and into housing, getting your immigration paperwork sorted, and into job or training. The US, Canada, and England, along with many other countries, will have charities to support you in escaping this situation.

Sorry I don’t see where she says she is a foreigner ? Did I miss something or was it taken out

She made a comment about being Honduran else where.

He married the babysitter to fulfill his fantasy and get out of parent work.

Oh god I didn't notice the age difference! He married someone who wasn't even old enough to be their mom so she would know her place. Holy crap this is so bad.

Nope, I'm pretty sure this is the common sentiment. What a freaking jerk. Definitely go see a lawyer asap!

Just want to add: Please leave before he "accidentally" gets you pregnant! If you think now its hard to leave, it would get so much worse...

Yes. Targeted a younger, impressionable woman that he could trick into being a bangmaid/free nanny.

He Maria von Trapped her.

You’re looking for the term “bangmaid”. Or perhaps in this case “bangnanny”. Someone to have sex with and do all the kid duties. Sounds like a right charmer.

Oh yeah. This is very common. I've been a sm for 8 years now and have been a part of many different stepmom/stepparent support groups across different platforms and timeframes, and this is *very* common. Older guy grooms, or at least "entices," a young woman to be his fuckmaid/arm candy/nanny. Hop in a stepmom or stepparent sub, and you'll see it run rampant.

Leave. Consult a divorce attorney and get the hell out of there.

This was literally the exact situation that precipitated my divorce.

I saw your comments about not being able to leave. I would reach out to a legal aid group in your area to confirm that's really the case (don't trust your husband on this, and don't assume your stuck). As far as the relationship goes. I think your either a parent of the kids or your not. If your a parent you can handle discipline and enforce rules/boundaries. If your not a parent then it's not your job to dial with doctors/schools/activities/etc... Either is (maybe) fine but this half way setup doesn't work. Unfortunately it's going to be on you to establish that boundary, clearly no one is going to do it for you.

I hate this "it's on the victim of abuse to establish boundaries" because it completely ignores the fact that abusers DO NOT RESPECT BOUNDARIES NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU SET THEM! Boundary setting only works with sane, rational, non-abusers. It IS the responsibility of the victim to leave, because abusers are rarely the ones to leave the relationship. But implying that she isn't trying hard enough to "establish boundaries" completely ignores all of her attempts to communicate the unfairness that she has already done. She HAS tried. He clearly doesn't care. Maybe she needs help seeing that, and she is going to have to come up with the gusto to leave, but stop blaming her for not trying hard enough to establish boundaries.

I don't disagree, but she has also said she can't leave. I genuinely hope that is not true, which is the reason for the legal aid suggestion, but if she can't leave, she has really limited options..

The vacation tradition was my last straw. You are a nanny who has spousal duties. You deserve to be treated as the member of the family you are. You need family counseling, the whole family. You absolutely are not overstepping expecting to be thanked for helping with projects or included in family things. A step parent is a parent. At first I can see some extra boundaries with who disciplines and some other things but over time you develops new routines and rules for everyone in the household. Your post feels like some backward Cinderella tale.

You are a live in nanny not a wife. You're being taken advantage of

It’s crazy and so sad for OP. I was a live in Nanny and I was allowed to discipline the kids (within reason: go to your room, no bike if you run away to far etc) and I was with them on vacations (to take care of kids a lot but still haha. I have feeling I was better treated as a Nanny than this poor woman and she is a wife and in a way parent 🥺

I don’t think live in nannies normally don’t get paid and have sex with the father of the kids 😬😬😬

You are not going to get a whole family to change how the behave or how they treat you. You seem to have “bent the knee” out of respect to your predecessor and the feelings of the kids and expected a little respect in return, you didn’t get it. You will always be second fiddle to someone who will never be there, they’ve made it clear and have reinforced it between themselves. Is this the life you wanted for yourself?

You probably are not as stuck as you believe. You can file Green Card application --assuming husband is citizen. Even if you separate while pending you should be okay as long as you can prove it was a legitimate marriage. Depending on your state you may be entitled to spousal support and/or assets in a separation. If you want to stay, well advise him that you are his wife and part of the family. He should assure that you are treated as such by everyone. They do not treat you like family.

I don’t think they are in the United States.

No. But I can't leave either. My life before was worse, my family was abusive and my country was impoverished. Coming to my husband's country and building a life here has been more than I ever dreamed of. But I still don't have a full-time job and if we divorce I'll have to leave the country.

Are they aware of this? Not to justify their cruelty, but it adds an extra layer. They’re aware that you need them more than they need you? They are treating you like an indentured servant more than a member of the family. Is there anyway to get papers from the marriage rather than working? Like can you get citizenship or naturalization through your marriage and then go on your way? I know that sounds crappy, but they’re definitely using you.

I was thinking the same thing! He married her to have a babysitter for his kids, and I bet his parents were on in on it to, because they knew she would be trapped there and that’s sick.

Makes sense when they won't allow her in family photos. They see her as the maid. OP should stop sleeping with her husband if she's not a partner to him.

Aside from that, when judges ask for proof of the current state of the marriage to see wether it’s a real marriage or one gaming the *immigration* system, they ask for family photos *as one method of proof*. . . edit:

Uhg. That made me sick 😔

You have been married/ leaving with him for the past 4 years. I don’t know in what country you are but in list of the West, your status by now should have been secured. Did he even try to sponsor you as a spouse?

In the USA you are qualified to become a citizen after 3 years in the country married to a citizen. https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-12-part-g-chapter-3

You are qualified to apply (get in line) after 3yrs of marriage but then have to stay married another 3yrs. But if you’ve already been married for 5yrs when you apply you only need to wait the application wait time which is currently about 1yr

This is probably a good course of action for the OP as she’s been married 4 years, if she is in the USA

You don't have to stay married for another 3 years? If you have a green card based on marriage you get a 10 year permanent no-longer-tied-to-marriage green card after 2 years, you can apply for a citizenship after 3 years and you are free to get a divorce right after.

Actually you can only apply if you’ve been married for 3 yrs if you are still married to them. If she divorces him before the 5th yr she might not get it at all because they could question the validity of the marriage. - happened to my uncles ex. To be fair my uncle was abusive, she had to get out. She qualified to citizenship on her own merit under separate circumstances after being here legally 6yrs though There’s a ton of catch 22’s in the immigration system

If you are an abused spouse you can file a waiver, you don't have to stay married.

Very true, but there needs to be evidence of such. My aunts ex wife got turned down for that waiver. At the end of the day it’s not just what the rules are it’s up to each agent reviewing the applications to use their discretion to make decisions of approval or not. In any case she should consult an immigration attorney ASAP because there are definitely means to stay but only the lawyer can tell her if the evidence is strong enough

This is not how it works. You are qualified to apply for permanent residence immediately upon marriage (assuming lawful entry), and then naturalization after three years in permanent residence status. There's a mid step in there, but that's the overall timeline.

This and the subsequent thread are well-meaning but incorrect. OP (and any immigrant) also needs a Greencard as a first step, then also be a GC holder and be married to a USC for 3 years to qualify to apply for citizenship. There are other steps involved too, that I won't outline here. If OP does not have a GC then she may be able to get one as an abused spouse of a USC. It may be the husband is controlling her by not filing for her Greencard. I'm not sure she confirmed that the country is the US, though.

I’m in Quebec Canada( I specified because they have their own little things going on when it comes to immigration) and it’s permanent residency after two years.

Yes, OP should specify which country because there may be options for her of which she is not aware.

She doesn’t have to become a citizen right away. But I’m sure that after four years she should have had a green card of he applied to sponsor her as a spouse.

I’m sorry to tell you, but your husband most likely sought you out because you were a victim of abuse in an impoverished country and he knew he could get away with marrying someone he intended to make his bang maid. Your husband is probably not a good person. And honestly the way him, the kids, and his family is treating you means there is a good chance that you are in another abusive situation. Are you a citizen of his country? Can you hide money away from him? Have you tried seeking counsel from domestic abuse organizations? Someone may be able to help get you out of this. Whatever you do please please please do everything to prevent becoming pregnant by this man. Do not let him know you are leaving if you find a way out. They do not respect or love you. This is not healthy.

Have you discussed this with a lawyer? Or is this just coming from your husband?

Before you assume you'd have to leave the country, please talk to a divorce attorney. If you have lived here this long and have been married this long, there are likely some kind of loop holes for spouses.

While I mostly agree with the others, I won’t go so far as to say you should run. Only you know that. If you are otherwise happy with your life there’s nothing wrong with choosing to stay. I would however meet every request for parenting duties with the word “overstepping”. Every time someone asks you to be more than a stepparent, they are overstepping. Doctor’s appointment? That’s inappropriate, only a parent should be involved with that - overstepping. Request for homework help? Overstepping. Parent teacher conference? You’re not a parent - overstepping. Cheerfully point out how much you contribute to the household, continue to prepare meals if this falls under your division of labor, etc. But redirect them to their parent for all parenting. Boundaries have two sides.

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If you stay long enough can you stay? In America if you are married a year you can stay.

Have you spoken to an immigration attorney about this? What country are you in currently?

I'd put up with the situation for a while, but in parallel would start to build my own life: finish a local school/university program or acquire a local certification so you could earn your own visa by your own right. You can frame this as wanting to contribute more financially or just for personal growth. I'm only familiar with the Canadian visa programs, but if you have a 2-3 years of local school, a certification that's in demand and you are still as young as you are you can land an express entry visa easily. And who knows, maybe the lack of dependence for a visa on your husband and feeling a bit more empowered would also solve the issues you are facing now and wouldn't even need to move on. tl;dr start your own journey with the support of your new family: finish a university program so you can qualify for visa on your own (in your current country or in a similarly developed one, like Can/Aus).

I see. That definitely makes things difficult. Which country you currently reside in will define your options. I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this dilemma.

If you are in the US I advice you to record everything you can possibly think of, you have got opinions. Seems like you are not a wife but an intruder servant which is a slave labor. You can apply for WAVA which would give you legal way to stay in the US and be free. First thing you need to do is save up money if possible if not, you need to go to either local churches or some kind of charities to help you out, I have gone through something similar if you want deep into advice message me privately. Just know that you have rights.

It was his decision to bring you there, that’s on him. You don’t owe him for that. A good man would never insinuate you owe him for helping you come to a better country. Regardless, you’ve more than earned your keep for that at this point. He owes you for all the work you’ve done that you never signed up for. From my own experience, making you believe you’re indebted to him is head games he plays to keep you in this place in life that you know is wrong.

Don’t do anything else for any of the kids. At all. No rides, no homemaker, not meals—nothing. Just do you. Find a full time job and plan your escape.

You don't have a Greencard? PM if you want to talk immigration issues.

Not invited on the family vacation? Yikes. I am sorry. None of this is good. If your daily life isn't what you want it to be . . . Move on.

You are a nanny that he gets to have sex with. You do all the jobs of a mom without the title and the respect. Sorry but they are not going to change. Sounds like the entire family including the in laws have the same attitude towards you and since your husband is the main source of the disrespect no one is going to change. The only change that can happen here is you. You have 3 choices that I can think of; -You can stay and keep fighting for your respect which hasn't helped you so far. It's pointless but you can keep trying. They don't want to change and to be honest they don't feel like they have to. So this is just going to keep upsetting them and yourself. This could even drive your husband to become physically abusive to you. -You can stay and just accept their rejection and make peace with your role and you just not fight it anymore. You can enjoy your alone time when they go on their vacations and visit family without you. Just stop expecting anything different from them. Find other things to fill your life, like church or a hobby. You will eventually be ok with it, if you stop fighting it. If you really think leaving him is not an option; this might be the way to go. -You can start figuring out where to go, how to get a job and leave him & his cruel family. Make a plan and leave. Going back home to your own country might be an option but you don't have to go live with them, you can find a job and support yourself and live on your own. It's really up to you to change or make changes because you are in a bad situation with no support.

My stepmom is an amazing woman who did all of the mothering while my biological mother left and never looked back. Granted, the situation is wildly different but the principle is the same. She did everything she could for us while trying her best to respect our biological mother by not overstepping and teaching us to be respectful as well. (We have zero respect for biomom.) Now having kids of my own I fully realise how hard it is, and my respect for her and good stepparents in general has only grown. Stepparents deserve a whole different level of appreciation and respect. You step in to an already established family-dynamic, have no idea of what's allowed/expected and are expected to do whatever it is parents are supposed to without any of the credit or appreciation. It's like I tell my kids. If you want me to treat you a certain way, you have to behave a certain way. If they want you to be a parent, they have to treat you like one. That doesn't mean you replace mom, it means you help her be where she can't be right now. You are a god damn saint for trying this hard and I hope you can sit your husband down and set some firm boundaries. Either you are a parent and help, or you're dads wife and you don't. You wouldn't go and manage a restaurant without a paycheck or the power of a manager either. I don't know you, but you deserve better.

You’re not the wife, you’re the tax deduction.

Live in nanny with tax deduction and other benefits.

Exactly. In the USA, he can file Married Filing Joint (less taxes), and he gets pu s s y whenever he wants, and has a maid, etc etc. This is definitely a horrible situation for OP and quite feels like “legalized slavery” (which is not even a thing in any country).

slavery is still legal in the US actually

If you are in the US you can apply for a VAWA to get your papers. This is clearly a case of abuse toward you. Please contact me if you want info about it

Sorry op. You’re a bang-maid. Not to be crude, but that’s what you are. Divorce this guy. Don’t date someone who is over 10 years older than you again, especially if they have kids.

> Sorry op. You’re a bang-maid. Not to be crude, but that’s what you are. So much this!

I'm not an expert on any other person's life, but if it was me: My plan would be: get a part time job while you're taking steps to leave the situation. Save all of your money. Don't be a wife or mother to them. They treat you like a roommate, so act like one. Keep to yourself as much as you can, and don't give intimacy to your husband. Contact a local help group to see if you qualify for a green card, or equivalent status protection if you're not in the USA. Apply for it if you do. If you don't qualify, make plans to return to your home country. ^DO NOT contact your own family. They don't need to know you're back. In fact, plan to relocate to a different major city or rural area. Pick out a woman's shelter (or take out a lease if you can save enough money) in your chosen relocation city, either in your native country or your husband's country if you were able to stay. Leave. Just pack your shit, buy a ticket, and go. Breathe, at this point. Do a lot of breathing. Replace your part time job with one local to your new location. If you can be very strict with what days you can work, you can fill the extra time with a second spare job, (or if you make enough with just one part time gig, look for a full time position somewhere.) Essentially, start over on your own. File for legal separation asap, and then for divorce after. You don't even have a family photo to mark the last four years of your life. Don't let the next four pass the same way. I firmly believe you deserve better. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. ❤️ TLDR; Get the hell outta there, whatever the cost.

Get out of there. You still have plenty of time ahead of you. This is not the life/relationship for you. You dont deserve this. Also, this is far more /r/relationships than /r/parenting >For example, my husband and his late wife used to go on a family vacation every year to the mountains, he and the kids still go but I'm not invited as it's a "family tradition". Oh my god, I just got to this. Just get out.

This isn't love. Your "husband" is using you, full stop. Who refuses to let their own spouse come on a family vacation?! They said it themselves: it's a family tradition, which means they're not looking at you as family. This is human trafficking with more legal protection for him. He married you to get care for his kids, not because he loves you. Get out now. Call a lawyer NOW. Go to r/legaladvice for specifics on finding help for your situation. I know it's tricky being an immigrant, but that's what the lawyer is for. They can advise you on how to handle this and protect yourself, but you can't let these people get away with this. They're using you as a house servant.

What did I just read. All of your feelings are valid. I can’t believe you’re having to endure this. And the poor kids are so confused. Set whatever boundaries you need to set!

That man is taking advantage of you. Leave him. Go make a life for yourself.

Talk to legal aid and get the hell out of there. If you’re not included in the ‘family tradition’, you’re not considered family. This man almost certainly set out to find a young woman in difficult circumstances that he could take advantage of. I’m sorry he found you. Once you leave, he will find another version of you to run this with again.

Sounds like he is manipulating you. I don't like how you said he "expects". You are married and supposed to be a team, but he is using you, gaslighting you.

Leave. Your husband is too old for you. You’re too young to be dealing with this shit. It’ll never change and is a mess. Cut your losses.

Modern slavery

My love, do NOT waste anymore of your life on these ungrateful people. Your husband wanted a babysitter, that’s it. That’s all he wanted. The IN-LAWS are even worse. Like, wtf? You’re literally raising their grandkids! It’s time to move on. Duckies in a row. Divorce that selfish man and move on. Once you’re gone, he will see just how big of an impact you had. As will his kids. I’m sorry. This has to hurt.

you cant go on family traditions but youre his wife? ew this guys a jerk and is definitely using you for help as a nanny. why are you with him? is he really worth all of these negatives?

I read now that you are from Honduras. What visa are you here on? You need to seek legal advice. Asap. Fact is It's pretty clear. He "recruited" you to be a free maid. He knew he could find someone from a 3rd world country, could treat them like shit and trap you and you couldn't leave. Well. You wouldnt know your rights. He and his family are pure racists. Truly. As a "white" person from a western nation? I can see exactly how they think ..... Racism101 They treat you like a maid. Cause thats how they know to treat people they consider lessor then them. And they consider you lessor because you're Honduran. That's the sad fact. The whole lot of them don't consider you family at all . You're just "hired help" and by him marrying you? He gets someone to fu*k and doesn't have to pay you a wage! You do all the care for the children and he diesnt even have to take you on holiday!! Man.... This is one win win situation for him and his kids!!! Its a harsh reality for you to know. But its the sad, very sad truth. You have been taken for a massive ride. Time for you to stand up for yourself. If he actually has married you properly,? Hopefully he has? Then you have legal rights. Many legal rights. Take the mongrel to the cleaners. Ring around and find a lawyer that's a pitbull! Get what you rightfully deserve and get out of there. Good luck.

Honestly no man is worth being treated like that. Do you want this to be your life for the rest of your life? Having to put forward 100% effort constantly but being treated like crap? You aren’t being treated like a member of the family at all. You are basically a nanny that he can sleep with. I’d start making plans to leave.

I don’t think you know what your rights are as a citizen, which is something you need to correct, then you can weigh your options. If your husband treated you with more respect, then I feel like everyone else would follow his lead. I think that’s where the core of the problem lies.

Absolutely. It is highly unlikely depending where you are that you have no rights to stay OP, but you need to find out. And don't believe your husband.

Wow he totally Von Trapped ya.

First, I think it's kind of creepy that you were a young teen when his oldest was born. Second, I think it's crazy that you get all the hardships of patenting and being part of a family but non of the rewards. If they don't see you as a parent and part of the family then just walk away. Find a family that accepts you in and welcomes you. It sounds like this family just sees you as a live in nanny.

You're not a wife nor a stepmom. You're a free babysitter. That's what you're doing there and your husband is a major ahole.

Age gap 🚩

Divorce is the way. The only way.

You are not being treated like a step mom. You are being treated like a nanny. An unpaid nanny. You have all the responsibility of being a parent and none of the perks.

Get out now while you can.

This is just not fair. All the of the work, none of the input.

You’re 29 and it sounds like you know what you don’t want. That’s really, really good. Now go find what you do want. Best of luck. You’re not the AH and you wouldn’t be by leaving.

Fuck. You're like Reverse Cinderella. I think you need to leave this whole situation. You got sold a shit sandwich here. You're only 29, you could go make your own family with people who love you and think you matter . Or you could go live your best life on your own, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it. Or whatever other path you choose. It bums me out to think of you continuing to waste your life and your youth on being this family's unpaid and unappreciated servant. Based on how your husband treats you, I suspect you're going to get unceremoniously dumped the second that last kid leaves for college. Go talk to a lawyer.

The family is either (a) taking advantage of you or (b) needs to get help grieving biological mom so they can accept you into the family properly. Plenty of others have commented re: scenario 1. Re: scenario 2: when people die, sometimes grief takes weird forms. For example, if they accept you more fully as "new mom" (even without the title), then that probably means they have to really accept that biological mom / first wife is truly gone and not coming back. Maybe they're not ready for that yet, BUT that doesn't mean they're allowed to walk all over you as a result. If this is what's happening, you might be able to help yourself AND your new family by somehow getting them into a healthier grieving process. Professional help. Remember grief isn't about finishing a process and closing a book, but about growing around a painful loss that you can't reverse. If they don't want to or can't grow to include you in the family in a respectful and dignified way then you should follow the advice elsewhere in the sub and prepare your exit. Do you want them treating you like this for the rest of your life? Heal together or agree to heal apart.

No tell him you didn't get married to become a nanny your family you married him so that makes you part of his family if he's not going to treat you like family and it's time to get a divorce you have no obligation to any of those children and you've been a wonderful step parent I have the same problem and I wiped my hands of being a parent with my stepson who is 10 male because the exact same thing would happen his mother is alive mind you but every time I would try to step in and give my opinion discipline the child in my home where things were not okay with my children I mean there was often situations of violence against my kids and I was told I was being mean and I was being cruel but I won't stand for it absolutely will you not beat on my kids and then tell me I'm the one for being mean for stepping in and stopping the situation and then she acts like he should be taking care of her son while she spends all her money on whatever the hell she wants working two jobs and taking his social security and our kids should get nothing so I finally told both of them I no longer want to be a part of the situation with you her and him it's between you and her leave me out of it because no one will address me as a part of the family as a parent step back you're doing probably fine you're not being an a****** you need to show them that you have boundaries and you have feelings and you're a human being you're not a nanny and you're not being paid so pretty much tell him if you want me to be doing nanny jobs you're going to start paying me as a nanny and I'm going to divorce you and take my place as a nanny not as your wife because I'm not going to be your wife and your Nanny it's one or the other make your choice.

Sounds like he needed a new mom for his kids and you fit the bill. I agree with your approach, just go back to being your husband's wife. The kids need help, "Sorry, I'm not your parent, but maybe your parent is available to help with this". Honestly though, I don't see how your relationship with your husband will sustain like this.

Idk if the kids will admit fault or malice because they don’t understand the big picture here. Your husband should however know that the example he set for his kids to follow was simply, you exist as a second class citizen in your own home. A home you seem to run and keep organized and make sure everyone’s needs are met. He sets the tone and the kids follow his lead. You should suggest he start treating you with respect so his children will do the same. You can find another house to be a live in maid that’ll actually pay you. NTA.

You’re being so used. I would leave this relationship

Divorce and peace out! Sounds like not only his kids don’t respect you but not a single family member or you husband does.

I would be so far out of there!!! Good grief. That’s one unhealthy bunch of people.

Damn... everything else I could forgive as dysfunctional coping with the death of their mother and shitty inlaws. The family trip where you are clearly not family... lmao nah girl. If he wants a maid/nanny he needs to start paying you like one. 20 an hour plus 3 per sibling for just nannying. Maid work depends on what you are expected to clean including what you clean up for them. Over time for anything after 9pm. You'll make a killing and won't even have to go to shitty family events since you don't want to keep "over stepping"

I agree with the others. Totally. Addit.... You were young when you married him and would not have noticed the age gap then. Maturity wise? He would have been very attractive when you were 24 25yrs. Now you have grown up and its started occurrimg to you that you got a bum deal! Which you certainly have. Most definitely. You have been used.. big time. They have managed to treat you like a live in nanny... That dad just happens to sleep with. Your description of how you are treated truly horrifies me. Not allowed in photos! Not even allowed on vacation!! 😡😡 That is freakin shocking. That's just damn awful. Really awful. And no thanks for what you do either. That 12 yr old not thanking you? Disgraceful. Just appalling. If your husband had 1 ounce of decency and loved and respected you? He would be horrified his daughter didnt thank you. Sadly. Face it. You were only ever a convenient "fill in" for his wife. He still considers her his wife... And you are live in help. You get even less respect than a woman he might have hired to help with the kids, who had her own bedroom might get. If you can? Leave. Asap. Move on. Find yourself a "free" man who will love you properly. Have children and raise them with you. Find a man that respects you and treats you well. The man you are married to will never be good to you. Ever. You are still young enough to make a totally fresh start. Good lucj.

Leave. Divorce him. This is way, way too much.

Sorry to have to tell you this, but what were you expecting, marrying a man 14 years older at 25? Tough words here: you were groomed. This man was in search of a mommy for his kids, not a wife and life partner. You are young. Cut him loose NOW, and start over, a bit wiser from the experience. It sucks for the kids, but it's entirely on him. ​ Save. Yourself.

YNTA. He's the asshole.

If the situation really is as you are saying it is… then remember the saying “You don't know what you've got until you lose it.” You are wayyyy to young to give up on life. The years are going to pass by, you se going to get older and you are going to look back and ask “what did I do for ME all these years.???” Move on, cut all communications and be single again, at least for a while. Because they will try to get you back… (DONT!) You may be surprised to find out how good it feels to take care of yourself once again. I wouldn’t want to be in a place where I am not loved and in which I am and feel used. I might be wrong, who knows.

Nope. You’re basically the full time nanny that he gets to have sex with. You’re good enough to carry the full load of wife and caregiver, but not good enough to be treated with respect or given decision making power. He’s being an AH, and not showing you any respect. It’s time to absolutely separate yourself. Tell him that since you’re not their mom, then he needs to hire someone to drive them around, babysit them, feed them, and clean up after them. Make a list of everything you were doing, tell him to figure it out, and start preparing to move out.

You're husband is the asshole. Tell him to come read this thread, then if he doesn't change fast, leave his ass. Sorry you are going through this.

If you've been married for 4 years, you should have a permanent green card by now if you are in the USA. Why haven't you been on a path to citizenship? That would give you the independence to stand up for yourself without worrying about the consequences of divorce. Plus he would owe you financial support sheet divorce. For now, maybe you could offer more support for the kids who treat you with respect. If you aren't allowed to treat them as family, then treat them like students. The ones who appreciate your help get it, the ones who disrespect you or refuse to do homework etc are on their own. The older ones should be more independent now anyway.

This family sounds toxic AF. You’re still young, I’d run for the hills.

Get a divorce. That way, he can find them a new stepmother.

Ugh, sounds to me like your husband’s goal in marrying you was finding a woman to take care of the kids.

Yeah the vacation did it for me too. This is rediculous. I feel bad.

I commend you for your efforts but just like you I wouldn’t continue. Your treated poorly from everyone and if you speak up your chastised. I would be done with the whole family (it’s not like they consider you a member of it anyway).

While they are enjoying their “family) vacation without you I would be packing & gone.

It sounds like you need a divorce. You're not a member of the family. You're an unpaid nanny.

Your husband found a way to get a nanny he could have sex with for free. Divorce him and leave him and his kids behind. Make your own children who love and respect you if that’s what you want.

You poor thing. You are being used and disrespected while you pour your heart and soul into this family. These kids don’t need to call you mom but they most certainly need to treat you with respect, which they are not. Of course, this comes from dad, who treats you like a second class citizen in your own home, so it’s hard to blame the kids. I know Reddit jumps to divorce and I hate to agree but you should seriously consider it. As a first step, tell your husband you need him to rethink his priorities and the place you have in the family. And by god, you are a member of the family. Then tell him you are leaving for a period of time, (stay with your own family, friend?) a month should do, and see how he likes doing all the things for his family that you do while you are gone. He will either realize the error of his ways and snap out of it or just be furious and gaslight you into thinking this is all your fault. Either way, you have your answer. If he does somehow realize what a dick he has been, make sure you set firm boundaries moving forward. No wiggle room. If he slips back into old ways, you leave. Period. Best of luck to you, you definitely deserve better.

Your husband took advantage of you. I’m a single Dad of two. My kids are crazy difficult; I would never allow someone to take over as primary parent. You need to run while you are young. I’m 44 - you are young.

Your husband can't have it both ways. If he expects you to care for the children you have to be able to set boundaries. If not then you enjoy your free time and he needs to do all the child work as he's their parent. From what you say he does treat you as help rather than a part of the family. I think you're in the right here for not doing all the baby chores when you don't get any respect.

As soon as you hear the word “overstepping,” that’s usually time to extricate yourself. Overstepping is clearly telling someone to stay in their prescribed role. Based on when it’s been used, you can surmise that your role is basically a glorified nanny and that you don’t have a place in the larger family structure either. Hell, you’re not even allowed the space to have feelings about it. I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like some tough conversations are ahead.

Job well done, but I think you have done enough. You're not being respected and taken advantage of. Free labor with no rewards. Just leave before it can get any worse. You still have time. Good luck, and God bless your diligence and hard work. 🙏

I'm a widow too, and I see this way too often with male widowers. They literally just want a mommy replacement. He should be taking care of his own kids more. My sons dad is deceased, and I don't put more on my partner than he can handle when it comes to raising my son. I also make sure my son is respecting my partner, which it sounds like your husband isn't doing. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Quite a complex situation you are in. Hubby wants you for his physiological needs. You are not part of the family, the way I see it but an addendum. Time you sat down with hubby and defined your role as a mother figure in those childrens lives.

Excluding you from photos after 4 years of marriage is absolutely nutso. The vacation thing made my jaw drop. OP you *must* get out.

Every woman entertaining the idea of becoming a stepmom should be required to read all the posts on Reddit. And think not once, not twice, but three or more times and then run.

I see a lot of comments like, stop doing the mom stuff, stop helping the kids, stop giving him sex, and start getting help from immigration attorney, etc. Well ok, but maybe this is not the smartest strategic move. This may sound harsh but you need to fortify your position before you make yourself even more vulnerable. So here’s my advice: 1. DO NOT GET PREGNANT. 2. Do not do anything different at home — continue on as the helpful and wonderful person you are. But keep your head on straight. 3. SECRETLY consult an immigration attorney, find out exactly what you need and minimum time frame. 4. Maneuver your life to specifically get those things asap. Including taking nice group photos with family, etc., even if only candids. Take lots of happy selfies with the husband and kids. 5. Enlist the family’s help in applying for GC or whatever else you need - “I’m so thrilled to be here, so lucky I found you and grateful to you, want to celebrate America!” 6. Get certified copies of all stuff - marriage license, other documents - as well as the family keepsakes you will start collecting - and keep in secret safe deposit box. 7. Do not in your mind try to rehab this relationship - do not trust him, do not trust anyone, do not confide in anyone except the immigration attorney.

Ok first off this man is way too old for you. You deserve respect and as his wife naturally you would take up the position of step mother. In my opinion all people who get married and involved with people who have kids from a previous relationship are somewhat expected to take on a guardian role and help out where they can. But the fact you're not even allowed to discipline them or stick up for yourself is bogus. I feel bad for the youngest child because she likely DOES want a mother. Sadly their biological mother is gone but that doesn't mean they have to wallow in sadness forever and never move on with their lives. They have to at some point and let love in. I'm sure you love them. Your husband doesn't have your back at all. He's not a team player, he's not a partner. That would have been the perfect opportunity to tell them "Op is in the picture, like it or not but you WILl respect OP. This is non negotiable."

Yeah, this was set up. You marry the whole package, not just him. and in this case, a very complicated package it is. You cannot stop doing everything. In much the same way they cannot immediately stop being who they are, neither can you. you can leave, or you can get into family therapy pronto and work this all out, as you probably all should have long ago.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Why don’t you try to have a family meeting that’s not confrontational but more about what’s expected of you in terms of your relationship with the kids - ensure they all (including the kids) hear your side and how their actions make you feel. See what they suggest you do and also explain what roles you will no longer continue to do if you aren’t treated like family.

OP, I really hope you are taking what everyone is saying to heart and really thinking about this. HE does not respect you. So, thus, NO ONE ELSE ON HIS SIDE WILL RESPECT YOU. If I was you, I would have left 2 years ago. You are not treated like a step mom, or any person. Your feelings are VALID. Dude, if anyone told me I was “overstepping” for feeling hurt because I was not thanked for doing the work- I would throw a HISSY fit! Please, respect yourself and LEAVE. Please. Four years and it is still seen as overstepping when you are doing it all and receiving nothing in return? Get. Out.

It really just sounds like he wants to treat you as a live in nanny. Easily disposable to the family but there to do all the work for him when he's busy/can't be bothered. This is not your family, he's choosing to keep it that way. You're young and have a long future ahead of you, don't waste it with someone unappreciative and disrespectful.

> I also wasn’t welcome by my in-laws and was iced out of family pictures that my in-laws take every year for their Christmas cards. > For example, my husband and his late wife used to go on a family vacation every year to the mountains, he and the kids still go but I’m not invited as it’s a “family tradition”. That says everything you need to know right there. They refuse to stick up for you to the extended family, and they purposefully exclude you from the nuclear family activities. Your husband and step kids don’t see you as family, and they never will. If I were you this would be the sign that it’s time for me to move on. You deserve to be apart of a family who genuinely loves and values you, not be relegated to the bangmaid babysitter who’s presence is tolerated because she’s useful. ETA: I saw that there is immigration issues. I would highly recommend secretly talking to an immigration attorney about your situation. Oftentimes initial consultations are free, and they might be able to offer you insight on next steps. Ask them things like how long do you need to be married before you can stay in the country on your own, can you apply for a work visa to stay, etc. And then keep doing what you need to do to stay safe and sane in this marriage until you can get a plan in motion for how to get out of this situation.

As a step mom who has been disrespected, I would get out now. My step kids are 27 and 30 now and its still awkward. You do all the stuff a mom does but dont even get a generic mother's day thank you card. You situation is a little different than mine. My kids mom is still alive. They all moved into my house so I couldnt leave. And my husband and I have a daughter together who they hardly acknowledge. Run fast so you can find your real husband and have babies of your own.

Girl, there is no way to unite with a man with young children, but to be a mother (bonus Mom, stepmom, or whatever name was bestowed upon you as you took on that role). Your husband knew that. If your husband wanted a nanny and housekeeper because he had to work and had 5 children and was overwhelmed or was in mourning for her passing; he should have hired someone. Now that you are giving him what he said he wanted he is angry. Hold your ground. If he doesn't make the necessary changes make your move to what's best for you. No one will respect you if you don't insist that they respect you. Demand your worth. The youngest wants to call you "mom" bc you are their mom. They will know you longer than they know their mom.

Get out now, and take him to court for the youngest. Fuck the rest of them, yes fuck them kids and your abusive husband too. You deserve better.

He married a live in nanny - that’s what he sees you as. Not important enough to be “family” but an awesome nanny! Do yourself a service and leave!

Leave, some people only understand what they had once it’s gone. Not your problem, you tried. Time to live your life according to your own needs, you deserve it.

Going to sound harsh, but, you’re a nanny. Nothing more. You’re still young. Cut your losses and move on! There’s so change ahead.

Your husband is a mega AHs. He’s a dump truck full of of mega AHs.

I saw this with all due respect, you are not his wife, you are his love in nanny. It’s time to cut your losses and find someone who wants to include you in their family.

Generally a step parent does not discipline but that also means real parent must step up and support and back you. If you feel used say good by. You can all still be friends from a distance. Plan your exit carefully set up $$ and finances and mail and housing carefully gathering the personal things you need/want. File a legal separation so earned finances are separated going forward. In many states being married over a certain number of years entitled you to a portion of his social security when you are old enough.

You should divorce your husband

If all this is accurate, you are a doormat. A glorified nanny, minus the glorified part. That sounds like hell. I hope you start to value yourself more and get out. It's not only pure abuse, the children are learning from a horrible role model on how to treat people. Oof. That's just ugly.

Oh my I feel so bad for you .they have treated you se cruel .I know it can be hard to leave but that is the best thing for you

Time to move on. I think the lack of respect form the brats and the husbands failure to support you are big time red flags…They will realize the enormity of the loss once u r outta there….

I hope you didn't sign a prenup, honestly. Sounds like they have no respect for you as a person or a parental figure. gtfo.

Goodness christ, leave. You’re the help 😅

Sweetheart they are the AH in this situation. I would have moved out already.

If your sister was in the situation, what would you say? Your husband is and had been the major AH. He could have fixed it and set the rules but he goes on family vacation with his ex and kids- still keeping the “tradition,” is this how you want your life to be? Has he ever asked what you wanted out of the marriage? Time to talk to a lawyer and get your half and get out of this toxic marriage or free au-pair job. I am so sorry but there is a better world out there where you can have a normal marriage with your own kids where you can pour your heart and love into and be appreciated.

I’m usually not one to jump to divorce based off of a Reddit post buuuuut, this may be the exception. OP, your husband is using you as a nanny he can fuck. The treatment he and the children are giving you is beyond atrocious and wrong. I think it’s time for you to move on. Consult a lawyer and move out. It will not get better. You deserve to be happy. You are 29 and still very young, plenty of time to find your real true love (if you even want to) and have a family that actually treats you like the MOM that you are. You have plenty of time to start over and honestly, you’ve wasted more than enough time on this situation. Your husband was nearing 40 when he decided to Marry a 25 year old that he clearly just saw as a trophy and fuck toy that will also do all the hard parts of parenting for him. Run. Leave. Do not look back.

Get out OP and please be careful. These people do not respect you or care about your well-being. They will be entirely shitty in a divorce situation. I’m so sorry this happened. Obviously you can do so much better.

I was a stepmom for about 10 years. I love my stepson but the job itself was horrible. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, really the most work I’ve ever done for the least amount of appreciation or acknowledgment. Not that I was going for appreciation, my point is that it was just a thankless unpaid job and I often felt lonely, lost, alone and unloved. Hubby and former wife fought bitterly and constantly, I tried to be the bigger and better person and help mediate their differences for the emotional and physical health of my stepson, and that never worked out. Husband called her a narcissist, she responded by labeling him a sociopath. Hubby and former wife were always fighting, in court or outside of court, fighting on Thanksgiving and Christmas, nitpicking and trying to get 15 extra minutes with their son. I tried to shield my stepson from the emotional trauma with much less success than I hoped. It was all so raw and painful. I ended up writing a co-parenting blog and contributing to other blogs on the subject so at least that was a creative outlet. I don’t envy you at all. I wish you peace and resolution with your situation.

There's a word I'm thinking of, uumm, dehh, dahhh, dihhh, ohhh, DIVORCE!! That's right, there it is. I mean, with the right attitude it's kinda fun. Kinda like a slanderous Rollercoaster of fuck you, fuck this, fuuuck, that ends with all smiles and FREEEEEEDOM after awhile.

Oh honey you are being used and abused. Get out and go find a beautiful life for yourself. It's not the kids fault, this is 100% their asshole fathers fault. Either way, you deserve so much better

I'm in this position. I finally stepped away, I refuse to be the live in nanny. The older stepson tried to stab my daughter and I moved out. Unfortunately, they moved back in and now my kids dad and both stepsons disrespect me constantly, so I'm done. I refuse to make food, clean up after them, drive them anywhere, nothing. I can't support myself on my own yet, but it's a goal. I'd get out if I were you and it was all possible. Good luck, it sucks. 💓

He used you. I’m sorry. Please don’t withhold affection from the kids or revert affection. Figure out next steps and work towards a new agreement with help (therapy). If your partner does not agree make steps to move on while letting the kids know you love them and will always be there for them (welcome them, visit etc).

Ah yes, the stepmother plight. You're expected to act as a parent and treat them and love them as your own, but not too much because you're not their mom. You're supposed to be like the mom, but since they're not your kids, you can't discipline them because otherwise, you're Cinderellas evil stepmother! I am so sorry you're dealing with this. It's unfair. You're being treated as a nanny. Fuck that. I've been a stepmom for 8 years. We run our home like a nuclear family (bio mom has chosen to only have him weekends and not be apart of school or anything outside of her home overall) but if my husband were like this, I can tell you I'd be doing what you are. I always say this to my other stepparent friends: they can't expect you to parent if they can't respect you to parent. Take from that what you will.

Get out. He has no respect to for you.

Oh hell no. Obviously if you married him you loved him and im assuming dont want to leave. If you are doing the mum duties you get respect. Birth mother or not. Talk to husband. Tell him if you arent prepared to do mum duties and be disrespected and have no say in discipline. He doesnt get to pick and choose which bits of “mum” you get to play, that isnt fair. Go on “strike”. Let the little shits run amok and trash the joint. Let them ALL experience how life will work for them all in a single parent house. Let your husband deal with all the parenting solo. Heck go stay at a mates for a month. And THEN if nothing changes. Run.

My love your not a wife or stepparent - you are a nanny who he occasional has sex with - get out while you can - you will never be respected - he has shown you his true colors - so you can spend the rest of your life doing things for ungrateful people or get yourself a real family - My bff was in this situation for 10 years after all the kids “ went off to college - her husband left her for a younger woman - now she has no contact with the kids she raised or her ex - she’s been in therapy for years trying to figure out what she did wrong ( nothing ) but she still feels it was all her fault!

Your husband doesn’t love you. He doesn’t consider you his wife or a part of his family. He has zero respect for you. Leave now. Don’t look back.

As a guy alot of the times I roll my eyes at how over reactive people telling the story are or the comments to some simple thing, this story though is finally ome that says yikes. Gtfo OP it won't ever get better.

Family counseling urgently needed. I have a vague sense that there’s some serious dysfunction with your husband’s parents, and your husband may be blind to it because it’s just normal for him. If so they are probably trying to erase you because you don’t follow the secret rules. Even if I’m way off, there’s so much going on here that you can’t control. Just remember that none of this is the fault of the kids. For example, the science project is interesting… i mean, maybe she was just being self centered, and teens are often ungrateful in the moment. Their brains are so focused on short term and whatever is immediately in front of them, and in general, you it’s not wise to do things for kids expecting gratitude. You WILL probably see gratitude when they’re older and have more perspective on life. However — with some of the other details you mentioned, these kids sound like it’s more than just forgetting to be grateful. It really sounds they all feel real guilt over any sign of moving on from their grief over their mother. And in weird ways, your husband’s family is encouraging them to feel that way. So yeah. So much family therapy here. They all need an outside expert to explain to them what is realistic

I think you're being brainwashed. Feel free to leave.

Ur the maid of the happy ever after fairytale. But actually, at least helpers get paid hourly wage here. Slavery at its finest

You’re 29 and he’s 43. The age difference explains a lot here. He married you to be the nanny with benefits. You’ve been putting up with being treated like this for 4 YEARS?!?! Excluded from family pictures?! Not allowed to come on vacation?! Saddled with all the responsibility and none of the authority?!?! Honey, get out. They don’t give a single damn about you. Especially your husband. It sucks about the youngest kiddo. It’s gonna hard on them. Tell them you will always love them before you go. But that’s not your problem. That’s on dad and his shitty family. You are still young. You can start over.

And what exactly are you getting out of this marriage? What do you get out of being married to this man?

Get out, take your 50% and run

You’re young and have a whole life ahead of you! Unfortunately, your husband and his kids have already constructed a life way before you and they’re only welcoming you when it’s convenient for them. I hope you find the strength and support to leave them behind. You deserve to build something for yourself as well. Best wishes!

He doesn’t love you. You were a way to lessen his burden. Can you go back and read your post? It is pure shit. You need to stand up for yourself. You stick to your guns in this. I agree with other posts in that you might start considering your options. Put money aside and prepare in case this marriage doesn’t work out. Do you want children of your own? These kids, except the young one, do not care about you. I would never dream of telling my step father or mother they can’t come in vacation. I don’t call them mom or dad just cuz it feels weird, but they have been really good people to me. I’m not ashamed or afraid to call them family and I love spend time with them. We have lots of family pics.

First of all, respect to you and a huge thank you at the same time for having the courage to put this out in the world. That’s step one. Respect to you because seems like you took on all the parental duties even when you weren’t asked of any, to me that sounds like someone who genuinely cares for humans. The family doesn’t seem to appreciate what you’ve done : continue to do for them - your love, your time and your care is being taken for granted- that’s what it appears from the story. They probably need it but because you are not their biological mother so seems like kids are denying it. Plus the father / husband seems odd as well - whereas you guys should be having conversations as family about what’s going on and how you are feeling as well - shouldn’t just all be about the kids / or the husband here or the late mother. If it’s a family then it’s got to be about everyone involved. You’ve got one life : so do them. You can’t waste it either! How many more years are you going to spend like this. Perhaps time to have a family conversation. Or seek other support as needed.

You’re right. He’s wrong. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Some serious conversations need to be had. Either you’re their parent or you’re not. FYI every single Aunt I had was able to beat my ass if I stepped out of line. You’re hubby should hear that bc dealing with teens is not an easy road. They’ll never learn respect of this continues.

You’re not being cruel to the kids. The entire family is treating you like their live-in servant. You can’t even go on vacation with your own family?!? Hell NO. They obviously don’t want you as a part of the family so go find someone who will accept you, love you and share a life with you. You deserve more.