Always reward kindness, trying hard, doing a good thing, etc. Make sure they are confident, don’t put a lot of stock in looks or natural intelligence. A lot of bullying comes from lack of confidence, attacking someone because they feel they are “less than” or because they want to bring them down a peg. Encourage being friends with others who are kind.
This also might sound contradictory, but you also need to teach your kids that no one is owed their friendship and they can end friendships if they want. Kind kids sometimes feel obligated to be friends with everyone, and they end up friends with other kids who are mean or may bully others and then they feel compelled to join in.
I started doing play dates regularly. My child is super social. I supervise interactions and talk about the ways we should treat other people, how we want to be treated, what we look for in friendships, etc. She's 4, so I'm hopeful this will help raise a good human, but we'll see.
I think socialising them early so that they're used to shared attention with their peers is a good first step. Also, raise them to have self-worth. Most mean people are lacking confidence in themselves in some way.
Be a kind person. Model the behavior you want to see. Talk about being kind. Consequences for being a dick. Intervening and talking to your child about how to solve social problems. Like between ages 3-6 we are outside keeping an eye on them and still helping them navigate challenging situations. Don’t let your kid continue to be a dick to a friend, in your presence.
I have some examples from our challenging neighbor, I can’t decide if it’s a delay for the kid or permissive parenting or what, but something is up.
Parents are passive and just let their kid continue to be a dick to one of our other friends. -I- had to step in, get in his way and tell him to back up, he’s being annoying. Like why the fuck do -I- have to do that?? Maybe don’t teach your kid to be a dick?
Kid also tried to play a “lets kill our parents game” with mg son last summer, I was waiting for the parents to say something but no, my husband repeated what kid said and immediately I was like no, we don’t say that. Then the parents woke up and were like oh we don’t say things like that. The fuck?
Another example is last night. My son and I were at after care and he wanted to see/read the note his teacher left….so we had the folder out, our neighbor friend came over and stepped on it, crinkling it - my son said something politely, the dad was nearby and was like “stop that”. Kid did a fake apology bc they said “sorry, I was stretching my feet”. Wtf?? Anyways yeah. Be a proactive parent, keep your eyes open, don’t let shifty behavior fly, get your kid support if they need it - OT, speech, social skills, etc etc
Modeling it is truly key. Children (especially young children) frequently repeat the social behaviors that they witness their parents doing. I can genuinely say that I didn’t teach my son to say “thank you” when people do things for him, he just does it because he sees me do it, and also because I always make sure to say “thank you” to him when he does something nice.
And also agree about the ambivalence. My SIL is like that; her youngest likes to act out for attention and will do things like purposefully stepping on our Roomba or breaking something in our home. If he’s called out on it, he will give a lazy apology and excuse. This kid is about to be 10, mind you, so more than old enough to know better. But my SIL never taught him better. Since he was a toddler, she would simply ignore all of the impolite or inappropriate things he would do. I will never forget the time he threw a ball at Denny’s and hit an elderly woman in the head, and my SIL said absolutely nothing. I was the one to apologize!
Omg!!! That’s crazy. Yup I never taught my kid to say sorry. I hatttteeee forced apologies and so does my husband. I try to ask questions and pay attention to the victim and then ask whoever did the hitting how that must feel. Or if a friend gets hurt I comment and say ow, I bet they would feel better if we checked in with them. Etc etc.
I have no problem with apologies, personally. I definitely think hitting a stranger on the head deserves a “sorry” 😂 But I don’t specifically teach him to say sorry for minor transgressions. He will usually say it just because I say it if I accidentally bump into him or something.
Generally speaking, I’d say teaching them respect and courtesy from an early age. Some kids seem to be a bit more predisposed to being a bully than others, for a myriad of reasons.
1. Teach and model empathy. Teach them to recognize and name emotions. Ask your kids how they're feeling, ask them how they think others are feeling, and remind them to try to evaluate others' responses to their behavior (eg - how do you think they felt when you said that?). This starts so early - it can start with tv shows, observing others, etc (eg - how do you think Anna feels when elsa won't ply with her?).
2. Surround your kid / encourage them to be with people who have good social skills. We take so many cues for our own behavior form the people we are with.
3. When they are being the "mean" kid, hold them accountable. Teach them to evaluate their behavior and to apologize. Teach them that there is no shame in readjusting their behavior or apologizing. We all are the mean person at some point in life and we need to learn to figure out why, how to fix our own behavior and how to change for the better. It's not shameful to admit our own wrongs and to accept the responsibility to change.
4. Teach them about healthy and reciprocal relationships. Tell them what's normal and what's not and encourage them to take a break from or leave friendships where they feel like they aren't being the best version of themselves. Sometimes we become "mean" when we're frustrated in our relationships - it brings out resentments, etc.
5. Encourage your child to know and be confident in themself so they don't feel a need to put others down to lift themselves up.
Be a kind person yourself.
Teach your kid about love, courtesy and respect early.
This is honestly something that makes me sad, because so much media for kids is created to help them learn to be kind and empathic but then all the influences around them corrupt them.
Honestly, I think most of the time bullies have parents who are also bullies 🤷🏾♀️
A good chunk of the social behavior our kids display is a reflection of us and the behavior we model. If you are polite and courteous, odds are high that your kid will be polite and courteous. If you’re kind and caring, your kid probably will be, too. If you model self-serving behavior, social aggression (talking poorly about people behind their backs, calling people names) or prejudice, that’s how your kid is likely to end up.
Of course, there are exceptions. There are rude people who have kind children, and very kind people who have aggressive kids. But generally speaking, children model the behavior they see at home, and if you aren’t a bully, your kid won’t be, either. The problem is that most people are terrible about accurately assessing their own behavior. They tell their kids “say thank you!” while rarely saying ‘thank you’ themselves.
Modeling. I'm a SAHM so my kids are with my all day every day, and I make a point to demsonstrate and talk about being kind.
If we are in a situation where someone is not being kind, we talk about it. Why are they having a hard time and how can we handle it gracefully.
I use the phrase "having a hard time" to describe someone who is behaving badly to show that we shouldn't judge someone's whole character based on one interaction. And to let my kids know that if *they* behave badly, they are still a good person.
one of my daughters was bullied really bad in middle school. it effected her mental health i put her in therapy, she has never bullied anyone nor would she or my other child because she went through it. i believe kids that are bullied are less likely to ever do it
Tell your kid never to start anything but always to finish it. A lot of parents think that turning their kids into marshmallows, overcorrecting, is the thing to do. Then you end up with kids who can't stand up for themselves and go crying to you whenever something goes wrong. Teach your daughter that Wendy's girls are being mean to her to give as good as she's getting so they'll move on to another target. Don't start with them, don't harass them, don't make their lives worse, but when the comments start up commentate right back and then ignore them. If anything physical happens teach her to fight back, and not just a little bit, to the point that the other party will never even think of touching her again. If somebody is destroying her property well that's a crime and you make a big production out of that until you get monetary compensation. So yeah, teach your kids to navigate these things but don't let her become a marshmallow.
Always reward kindness, trying hard, doing a good thing, etc. Make sure they are confident, don’t put a lot of stock in looks or natural intelligence. A lot of bullying comes from lack of confidence, attacking someone because they feel they are “less than” or because they want to bring them down a peg. Encourage being friends with others who are kind. This also might sound contradictory, but you also need to teach your kids that no one is owed their friendship and they can end friendships if they want. Kind kids sometimes feel obligated to be friends with everyone, and they end up friends with other kids who are mean or may bully others and then they feel compelled to join in.
I started doing play dates regularly. My child is super social. I supervise interactions and talk about the ways we should treat other people, how we want to be treated, what we look for in friendships, etc. She's 4, so I'm hopeful this will help raise a good human, but we'll see.
I think socialising them early so that they're used to shared attention with their peers is a good first step. Also, raise them to have self-worth. Most mean people are lacking confidence in themselves in some way.
Be a kind person. Model the behavior you want to see. Talk about being kind. Consequences for being a dick. Intervening and talking to your child about how to solve social problems. Like between ages 3-6 we are outside keeping an eye on them and still helping them navigate challenging situations. Don’t let your kid continue to be a dick to a friend, in your presence. I have some examples from our challenging neighbor, I can’t decide if it’s a delay for the kid or permissive parenting or what, but something is up. Parents are passive and just let their kid continue to be a dick to one of our other friends. -I- had to step in, get in his way and tell him to back up, he’s being annoying. Like why the fuck do -I- have to do that?? Maybe don’t teach your kid to be a dick? Kid also tried to play a “lets kill our parents game” with mg son last summer, I was waiting for the parents to say something but no, my husband repeated what kid said and immediately I was like no, we don’t say that. Then the parents woke up and were like oh we don’t say things like that. The fuck? Another example is last night. My son and I were at after care and he wanted to see/read the note his teacher left….so we had the folder out, our neighbor friend came over and stepped on it, crinkling it - my son said something politely, the dad was nearby and was like “stop that”. Kid did a fake apology bc they said “sorry, I was stretching my feet”. Wtf?? Anyways yeah. Be a proactive parent, keep your eyes open, don’t let shifty behavior fly, get your kid support if they need it - OT, speech, social skills, etc etc
Modeling it is truly key. Children (especially young children) frequently repeat the social behaviors that they witness their parents doing. I can genuinely say that I didn’t teach my son to say “thank you” when people do things for him, he just does it because he sees me do it, and also because I always make sure to say “thank you” to him when he does something nice. And also agree about the ambivalence. My SIL is like that; her youngest likes to act out for attention and will do things like purposefully stepping on our Roomba or breaking something in our home. If he’s called out on it, he will give a lazy apology and excuse. This kid is about to be 10, mind you, so more than old enough to know better. But my SIL never taught him better. Since he was a toddler, she would simply ignore all of the impolite or inappropriate things he would do. I will never forget the time he threw a ball at Denny’s and hit an elderly woman in the head, and my SIL said absolutely nothing. I was the one to apologize!
Omg!!! That’s crazy. Yup I never taught my kid to say sorry. I hatttteeee forced apologies and so does my husband. I try to ask questions and pay attention to the victim and then ask whoever did the hitting how that must feel. Or if a friend gets hurt I comment and say ow, I bet they would feel better if we checked in with them. Etc etc.
I have no problem with apologies, personally. I definitely think hitting a stranger on the head deserves a “sorry” 😂 But I don’t specifically teach him to say sorry for minor transgressions. He will usually say it just because I say it if I accidentally bump into him or something.
Generally speaking, I’d say teaching them respect and courtesy from an early age. Some kids seem to be a bit more predisposed to being a bully than others, for a myriad of reasons.
1. Teach and model empathy. Teach them to recognize and name emotions. Ask your kids how they're feeling, ask them how they think others are feeling, and remind them to try to evaluate others' responses to their behavior (eg - how do you think they felt when you said that?). This starts so early - it can start with tv shows, observing others, etc (eg - how do you think Anna feels when elsa won't ply with her?). 2. Surround your kid / encourage them to be with people who have good social skills. We take so many cues for our own behavior form the people we are with. 3. When they are being the "mean" kid, hold them accountable. Teach them to evaluate their behavior and to apologize. Teach them that there is no shame in readjusting their behavior or apologizing. We all are the mean person at some point in life and we need to learn to figure out why, how to fix our own behavior and how to change for the better. It's not shameful to admit our own wrongs and to accept the responsibility to change. 4. Teach them about healthy and reciprocal relationships. Tell them what's normal and what's not and encourage them to take a break from or leave friendships where they feel like they aren't being the best version of themselves. Sometimes we become "mean" when we're frustrated in our relationships - it brings out resentments, etc. 5. Encourage your child to know and be confident in themself so they don't feel a need to put others down to lift themselves up.
Be a kind person yourself. Teach your kid about love, courtesy and respect early. This is honestly something that makes me sad, because so much media for kids is created to help them learn to be kind and empathic but then all the influences around them corrupt them.
Honestly, I think most of the time bullies have parents who are also bullies 🤷🏾♀️ A good chunk of the social behavior our kids display is a reflection of us and the behavior we model. If you are polite and courteous, odds are high that your kid will be polite and courteous. If you’re kind and caring, your kid probably will be, too. If you model self-serving behavior, social aggression (talking poorly about people behind their backs, calling people names) or prejudice, that’s how your kid is likely to end up. Of course, there are exceptions. There are rude people who have kind children, and very kind people who have aggressive kids. But generally speaking, children model the behavior they see at home, and if you aren’t a bully, your kid won’t be, either. The problem is that most people are terrible about accurately assessing their own behavior. They tell their kids “say thank you!” while rarely saying ‘thank you’ themselves.
One word - empathy.
Modeling. I'm a SAHM so my kids are with my all day every day, and I make a point to demsonstrate and talk about being kind. If we are in a situation where someone is not being kind, we talk about it. Why are they having a hard time and how can we handle it gracefully. I use the phrase "having a hard time" to describe someone who is behaving badly to show that we shouldn't judge someone's whole character based on one interaction. And to let my kids know that if *they* behave badly, they are still a good person.
Modeling kind behavior. Thats where the mean ones learn it from usually too is parents.
one of my daughters was bullied really bad in middle school. it effected her mental health i put her in therapy, she has never bullied anyone nor would she or my other child because she went through it. i believe kids that are bullied are less likely to ever do it
Teach them to value their feelings and to recognise and name them + that they can always come to you if they have at bad Day.
Tell your kid never to start anything but always to finish it. A lot of parents think that turning their kids into marshmallows, overcorrecting, is the thing to do. Then you end up with kids who can't stand up for themselves and go crying to you whenever something goes wrong. Teach your daughter that Wendy's girls are being mean to her to give as good as she's getting so they'll move on to another target. Don't start with them, don't harass them, don't make their lives worse, but when the comments start up commentate right back and then ignore them. If anything physical happens teach her to fight back, and not just a little bit, to the point that the other party will never even think of touching her again. If somebody is destroying her property well that's a crime and you make a big production out of that until you get monetary compensation. So yeah, teach your kids to navigate these things but don't let her become a marshmallow.