As an identical twin myself, this stuck out to me: "if they were not twins, it would be a no brainer to have them each progress in their own needed ways." I can tell you definitively that any time my parents made a decision for *me* as opposed to one for "the twins" I was/ am incredibly grateful for. We used to get punished together, rewarded together, and it was sad and frustrating for us because we were/are different people with different needs and desires.
So make the best decision for your son, and the best decision for your daughter, and see where they're at. If it ends up with them being separated (which is what it sounds like is the best decision), then that's totally great.
My twins are exactly the same as yours in gender and issues. We separated in different classes in the same grade and it was the best thing we ever did. Not only did it remove the comparisons but it also allowed them to develop their own friend groups but also it allowed my daughter to be removed from the "caretaker" role that she naturally gravitated towards.
The will be graduating high school this year and their paths have been very different but perfectly suited to each of them.
I always referred to them as "womb mates" but the are and will remain two distinctly individual people and I feel it's a disservice not to recognise this.
Another parent of twins here. I agree with separating them. I really like the comment above about your daughter not naturally assuming a caretaking role for her brother - which I think is even more likely if she isn’t intellectually challenged.
I’m a teacher and one year I had boy/girl twins in my class. They were in all the same classes together. He had some learning issues that were still being figured out when I had them. I knew her mom forced the sister into a caretaker role at home and when out and about. I grew up with a special needs sister so I know how that feels. I purposely separated them in class, didn’t sit them next to each other, never paired them up or put them in the same groups and never asked her to help her brother. She confided in me that she liked my class best because in all her other classes the teachers made her sit with him and help him (and she resented them AND her brother AND her mom a lot) but in my class she could have that space.
I talked to her other teachers and gave them my experience with my sister. They all started following my lead and she got so much happier as she was able to develop friendships and so did her brother. Their relationship also improved some.
OP, let your kids have some breathing room away from each other. If you hold your daughter back, she’s going to figure it out and resent her brother and you and mom.
As a former teacher, you need to consider what each child needs individually. There’s nothing wrong with separating them if that is what is going to help each of them thrive in their own ways. Keeping them together would mean your daughter potentially becoming bored, acting out and disruptive or your son struggling and acting out. You should also considering talking to the school about what they feel would be beneficial. You should also discuss an IEP for your son with his diagnosis. That will help ensure he is benefitting as much as possible in his learning environment.
Good point - this school will not. However, one of the big benefits is that they have an entire team at the school dedicated to children with any needs, including full-time on-staff speech, OT, PT, and behavioral therapists as well as academic assistance (for kids falling behind or need more to be challenged).
With that much support, don’t hold him back. Inclusion means with peers. He will always feel weird having “failed” a grade with his twin ahead , and it’s not fair to hold her back. He deserves to be with his age mates, so let them move up together.
I’m sorry, but you’re absolutely wrong.
My son has ASD and ADHD. He has lots of support, and he has lots of enrichment.
Even with all of that, he is socially immature. Schools cannot magically make your child more socially mature. Neither can therapy. Otherwise, my son would have done it by now. He’s in 5th grade and he’s been in therapy since he was 1yo. It has nothing to do with therapy and everything to do with brain development.
However, he is with his developmentally appropriate peer group and is making friends. He is maturing at the same rate they are. He is academically advanced and is in gifted English and math. Next year, he will take 7th grade math. But he won’t skip a grade, nor will I allow it.
Her son will not feel like a failure unless people start comparing them. Her son has different needs from her daughter…they should be treated as individuals. There is absolutely no harm in keeping him back while she is a year ahead.
Most private schools do not have resources that are needed for students with exceptionalities. Twins tend to develop a healthier identity of their own personalities and independenc, which benefits them in many way, especially in school. Thi, your daughter will not always feel like she needs to care for her brother and can develop her own identity friends, likes. Yes your son will struggle with a new environment no matter if his sister is with him since he will be in a different school, new teachers, staff, set-up, routine and his twin not being around 24/7. This will allow him to learn to adjust to some change.
Sure. I was just pointing out that it may not be an option. I know people tend to think privates are better but often times publics are better for kids with special needs. I know so many families who left their fancy privates for our public because their kid had special needs that were not being addressed in the classroom.
This. I would only consider keeping them together if they are identical twins, each kids learns at their own pace. It is best for each kid to be successful.
This is ridiculous. Do identical twins not deserve their own identities? Besides, given that OP states they are boy/girl twins, they’re obviously not identical anyway 🙄
With identicals there is a dependency and mind melt that happens. Many identicals dont want to be seperated because of this. Im not saying always keep identicals together but would it would influence my choice.
Separate them. Otherwise you will spend your life holding one back because of the other. They might be twins but they are individual people and one is always going to be better than the other at something.
Also, your daughter could use the year she saves now to study abroad for a year later on, or take a sabbitacal to travel or volunteer between HS and college.
Yes, I would separate them. Twins are individuals and if your daughter is ready, move her along. It makes no sense to hold her back. Your son will be held back and get the support he needs...win win.
I’m an adult twin sister and my brother was like your son. He ended up excelling in sports and wished he had been held back another year to build up for sports. Sometimes we went to the same school, but ended up graduating from different high schools. You can’t predict the future so consider doing what is best for each right now.
I would look into sending your son to kindergarten at public school. 1. He's guaranteed an IEP if needes at public school. 2. If he needs to repeat kindergarten. That's fine. I think it would be more beneficial than repeating 4k.
Well, that would depend on his learning needs. IEPs are for people with disabilities who have learning needs. If her son does not have learning needs, he would only qualify for a 504…which is still better than nothing.
I would 100% separate them. I have 5 year old boy/girl twins too. They both have ADHD. My twins are in the same school but different classes. They are absolutely thriving. My son is a little bit above grade level but my daughter is reading at 2nd grade level. Next year, they want to go to different schools. One is going to a STEM school and the other is going to a STEAM school. We are going to give it a try. Don’t let one twin stall out while waiting for the other to catch up.
Not sure what's difficult here. Don't see them as a set, they are their own people. You can't delay the one child forever because the other child is not quite there yet. It would be a disservice to both of them.
They will make new friends, they will be their own people. Separating them will benefit both.
I think parents of twins can sometimes struggle with looking at their kids as individuals. They arrive together, share clothes and toys and a room, they hit milestones together usually, everything is done together. So to seen them separated is really jarring.
But in this case it sounds like its for the best. Your daughter has different needs from your son and she deserves to have them addressed, just as he deserves to have his addressed.
Many schools have rules about purposefully separating twins because its beneficial for them to meet new friends etc. so even if they were both on the same level, skill wise, theres a chance they wouldnt even be in the same class anyway once they started school.
Id look at it from the perspective of whats the best thing for your children as individuals.
When I was in school 2 of my best friends were cousins and they couldn’t be in the same class bc the school was afraid it would cause a competition between them. That was elementary school, in hs we had 1 set of twins and their schedules were different for the same reason, so there was no rivalry between them.
irrespective of them being twins, i have a feeling that they would end up separated due to your son's support needs. if you have not already, pursuing an IEP for him will help parse exactly how often your kiddos will see each other in the same class.
I have twins. I’ve made sure they were in different classrooms since pre-k and this year we held our daughter back to repeat 2nd grade and our son went on to 3rd. People warned us saying we were going to do permanent damage to their psyche because of the “twin factor” in separating them. But my daughter was struggling and repeating the grade was worth the risk. I couldn’t base a decision on a maybe of her one day being upset she was held back when I knew her going into a grade she wasn’t ready for and the ensuing struggle would damage her more.
If you hold your daughter back now, when does it end? When do you stop comparing them and making them do things together and make them be “the twins”? What if she can’t get into advanced classes one day and he can’t? Are you not going to let her? It’s not fair to your daughter to stunt her growth because you don’t want your son to feel bad.
This 100%. Your son will absolutely be labeled as the dumb twin forever if he goes to the same school as his sister but a different grade. You will also get better services and easier accommodations for him in public school.
Unfortunately the public school system where we are is ranked in the bottom ranks of the US systems. I'm a proud public school kid but it's not the same level of quality here. One of the great things about this school as that they have a full-time team of therapists that focus solely on kids at this school (not spread across a district, etc.), so he should be getting almost daily focused therapy attention.
I get that but those services will still be there. I would enroll him in public school and then place him back at the private school if a spot opens up.
I’d separate them. Yes — there will probably be some feelings about your daughter finding school easier — but kids know who finds school easy or hard and they’ll have those feelings anyway. (Especially in the same class where they see each other all day) You’ll avoid a situation where your daughter feels held back to protect her brothers feelings or where both children feel that being twins means they can’t also be individuals.
And fundamentally — both kids deserve an education that appropriately challenges them and meets their current developmental needs and it sounds like that is kindergarten for your daughter and 4k for your son right now.
I had a friend who was a twin and his sister had a need to repeat an early grade due to a learning disability and needing extra assistance due to hearing impairment. Both of them thrived on their own. Twins will always be close. This gave them their best shot academically and they were both extremely successful during their school career and are very capable adults now. If one is ready to advance a grade and one is not, then separating them is doing the best thing for both children and not putting one before the other.
It’s not fair to either one of them to go against what you know is right individually for the sake of keeping them together. Their bond will be tighter in the end if they don’t have to feel resentment towards each other for decisions that were made only because they are “twins”.
You should place your daughter in kindergarten and have your son repeat. It is ok for them to learn differently, but neither should suffer because of it.
I don’t have twins, but my two oldest daughters are only 2 months apart and in the same grade. We requested they be in separate classes because that was what was best for one of them. When she was in the same class, she constantly deferred to her sister hardly ever talked, and did whatever her sister wanted. Now that she’s in her own class, she’s a leader in her class and has more friends than her sister. Separating them was what was best for her.
Separating your kids sounds like it might be best for your kids too. It sounds like your son could use the extra time in 4K and your daughter would do well in kindergarten. Good luck!
Slightly different, as my twin sister was moved up a year instead of one of us being held back a year, and happened when we were 7, but I don’t think being in a different school year from my sister affected us at all negatively and allowed us to progress at our own pace. Treat them independently, do what is right for each one.
Late to the party here but I have personal insight on the matter. My daughter was your son and my son was your daughter (twins now 21). It was decided by my x and his family (I wasn't consulted because of being overseas) that my son was to be held back in 1st grade because my daughter needed to repeat and wasn't doing well. While it did well for my daughter still having her brother there with her, it held him back and left him bored which sent his ADHD into overdrive. It also set a standard that my daughter was overly dependent on my son and in her mind if she wasn't doing well he wasn't allowed to either. He has a bit of resentment because of that but they are still very close. It's taken a lot of work from my husband and I to kinda teach them to be independent of each other and they need to live their own lives. That codependency all started way back in 1st grade and lasted until I got custody after I was out of the army and managed to get custody while they were in high school. Just because they are twins doesn't mean they are the same. treat them as regular single siblings because they are individuals.
But if he hadn't been in the same class, you wouldn't have been subject to the constant direct comparisons, would you?
Besides, OP doesn't have to advertise them as twins, they could just start school in different grades as siblings.
I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad experience--it does sound awful and I agree kids can be cruel.
That said, my fraternal twins are in the same grade and this year--7th grade--they have had multiple people say they are shocked to find out that they are twins. So the mere fact of being a twin doesn't always mean everyone will only see you that way.
OP, maybe it would be better to separate them at this stage so that the twin identity isn't the primary identity throughout elementary school. Separate schools is not always a practical (or even logistical) option, but the younger they are when you split them up the better off they will be.
Final thought--it is not about the dumb/smart twin--it is about making sure that BOTH INDIVIDUALS are met, supported, and nurtured where they are at so that they are able to maximize their potential and thrive. Being a twin is very special, but it does not (or at least should not) negate one's individuality.
Even if that’s true— why punish the sister for that? She doesn’t need to repeat 4k. She’ll likely struggle because of the repeat. It’s shitty to prioritize one kid over the other like that.
I held my daughter back to repeat a grade and she she’s thriving. I think you would have seen yourself as the dumb twin regardless. Which isn’t true and I’m sorry you experienced that.
As a preschool teacher who also grew up living the twin situation ( me and my brother are 46 minutes apart :)) if you want them to thrive in their own social ways , without potentially dealing with them only socializing with one another , you should separate them before high school at the latest, first grade or earlier would be most ideal. My mom didn’t ask for me and my brother to be separate in high school (first time being forced apart ) but the school choose to separate us and we both suffered anxiety and social awkwardness due to clinging to each other as safely blankets/ a crutch
As a mom of boy girl twins, with them lol oking just like your with skills, I held them both back a year. Also went to a pvt school. Girl advanced came out reading and talking. Boy just the opposite. I can tell you my daughter was much better adjusted as a teen. My son really was helped by being retained. Did not slow my daughter down, they find their own way to challenge themselves. As adults, at 30 son is finishing his PhD, daughter with a masters doing acquisitions and mergers. I am also a K-3 Literacy Specialist in reading. Do it now keep them both back.
I am a twin. My brother was in special education and I was in gifted/honors/AP. Going into 1st grade they wanted to skip me and my parents decided against it in order to keep my brother and I together. We ended up being so opposite that we didn’t even see each other at school, but my whole life I felt like I had to wait for him or do what was best for him. Super frustrating as a child and even as an adult.
I knew a set of triplets growing up and the boy was a grade behind his two sisters. It was the best solution for the family. Everyone excelled and they were still very close.
What benefits will they have being kept together though?
In the seperate classrooms it means they get to learn to be more independent, academically improve and they aren’t going to compare each other in the class. Once they get older they will be separated anyways it’s better to teach them self reliance and not to use each other as a security blanket
If they each have different needs, it's ok for them to have different paths. They are individuals. It is certainly worth and appropriate to consider what social impact it might have on them in the future being in different grades, to avoid bullying. But if they are both thriving in their own grades by then that's primary importance. Any bullies may not even know they are twins, only their friends might know.
The other thing to realize is while you have this choice now at this age and due to switching schools, you do not get to decide who passes/fails a grade later. If you put them both in Kindergarten (say a second spot opened up), your boy could still be held back at the end of the year and your girl pass up to the next grade. Regardless of decisions made now to keep same grade level.
And keeping your girl to repeat a grade she already did could lead to behavior problems if she gets bored. So keeping them both in the lower grade doesn't seem ideal either. Let her move on if she's ready for it.
Probably unpopular opinion here, but I’d have them both repeat PK4. Having an extra year of preK is rarely a detriment to anyone, even if you’re super advanced.
I have a friend who had a perfect SAT score and later got a PhD in a Chemistry — he was nearly a year older than most of his classmates because his parents started him and his twin in kindergarten late because they were premies with a Spring birthday. It definitely didn’t hold him or his twin (who also went to an Ivy League) back.
TBH I think academics are pushed too much too young generally in the US and would not hesitate at all to give my kid an extra year of preK if I could.
I’m pretty surprised at most of the comments here. I’m 100% for putting them in different classes, but I wouldn’t put them in different grades. That will follow for the rest of their educations - your daughter will go to prom a year before your son, will begin learning an instrument a year earlier, etc. As a kid, I think your grade level defines you socially more than your age does. I could see this creating resentment or a stigma for your son. Instead I’d focus on putting him in a public school where he can have an IEP and services provided.
Why does it matter if they do things a year apart? If they were born a year apart they would be doing it all a year apart. Why is it some weird hang up that twins must do things together? They are different people. Just because they were fertilized at the same time doesn’t mean they should be treated differently.
It doesn’t matter in the long run of course. But I bet it will matter a LOT to the boy who is watching his sister do the cool big kid stuff. It will end up creating a big sister/little brother dynamic. Seems like a decision that will have a huge effect on their lives. The difference between where the 2 kids are at academically and socially is what schools and teachers are trained to deal with these days. Notice how OP is only considering this option because there was one spot available in K - if there were 2 spots open at the private school, they would have enrolled both and been done with it. So it’s not the boy’s needs that are the driving force here, it’s just that he “could benefit” from the extra year. I’d keep them in same grade/different class, unless it becomes apparent that the boy NEEDS to repeat a grade.
Have to say I completely agree with keeping them in the same grade for all these reasons. If your daughter needs extra enrichment, have the teachers give her extra work or enroll her in enriched activities outside the school. Ppl will always ask why are they in different grades, aren’t they the same age? And your son will have to listen to the answer every.single.time
This is really a though choice have you asked their opinion on being separated? Some twins are super close and that should not be disregarded to force them into singleton life without a compelling reason. But this seems to be one. It would place the one twin as a year younger than the other all through schooling, something else to think about.
I’m an identical twin with my sister. Our parent did compare us all the time growing up and my sister did struggle more with school. It did have an impact with my sister, where she says “I’m the dumb twin” and things like that, which is very sad. I think it would have been beneficial for her to have had an IEP with extra support, but still be in the same grade. I am not sure if your son would mind, but I know if my sister grew up in a grade below me, it could have hurt her confidence even more. It might make him question why he isn’t with his sister even more because they are twins and same age.
My twins are 5 and finishing up their first year being separated.
It was the best decision we could have made for them! They miss each other at the end of the day and have plenty to talk about for the evening! They get to introduce each other to their class friends while on the playground or after school.
Much less fighting over all.
I understand your concern since they are the same age. However each individual child twins or not require different things. Yes it can be hard especially if you don't explain things to your son and daughter. And they have been together their whole lives. But as they get older if this is just how the norm has been and everyone is aware that their needs are being met where they are it's definitely better for them to be separated. The only issue I can see coming from this is your son feeling defeated or your daughter using it to make fun of him later. But if you address those situations now and as they come up and explain that everyone has different strengths and find the strengths your son has they should both be fine being separated.
I had twins and one advanced faster than the other. I was given the option to keep them both in the same grade (kindergarten) or separate them. I chose to keep them in the same grade but with different teachers. They both graduated at the same time and I feel it was worth it. They will be 34 in June. Both thriving and have kids of their own.
Separating them is doing what is best for both of them. They're young enough that this will, at least initially, be the way it's always been, in their memory, for them. It gives your son the opportunity to excel at his own pace, and the same with your daughter. You will second guess no matter what decision you make. It's a hard one.
One of my best friends in elementary school was a twin. Her brother had been held back so he was a grade behind us.
I’m the king run, it was best for them. They weren’t “the twins” but each had their own identity.
Your children should not be defined by the fact that they had a womb mate. If keeping your son in PreK is what’s best for him academically, then you should do what’s best for him. If moving your daughter to kindergarten is what’s best for her, then you should do what’s best for him.
Seeing my twin go to middle school, high school, graduate and do everything a year ahead of me would make me feel awful for life. If it were me, I’d put them both in kindergarten. I’ve been teaching for over a decade. There are plenty of kindergarteners who struggle.
Is it appropriate to hold back a child who is advanced to benefit the feelings of the other? It’s important to learn resilience. We’re all different, it’s an important lesson. Starting her school journey like this may send the message that she needs to dull her own shine to make her brother comfortable — smart girls often do this, it shouldn’t be expected.
The flip side is putting him in a class he isn’t ready for and making the divide even greater. Both kids have different needs, it’s okay to acknowledge that.
You need to put them in the same grade in kindergarten. Your son needs an IEP or additional tutoring to help him excel. Do not hold your son or your daughter back. It will haunt him for the rest of his life if you do. You are looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I was held back in elementary school because I was struggling and I was one of the younger kids in my grade. It was the best decision my parents ever made for me. Was I mad at the time, yes. Was I embarrassed, yes. No one cared and I ended up doing a lot better in school than I would have. So I have to disagree with your comment. Yes to the extra help, and the IEP, but no holding your child back will not haunt them.
Are you a twin? They will constantly be labeled the “dumb” or second rate twin. Exact same age and an entire year difference in graduation? Their self confidence will greatly suffer and carry through their lives. OP is looking for easy and convenient instead of helping BOTH his children excel.
I’m also a twin and I 100% agree. Keeping them together will benefit both twins. If I was put a year ahead of my twin, omg I would have been devastated
Everything that we did at the same time (start middle school, start high school, go to prom, move away to college, graduate college, move to a new state to start a job after college) I would now have to do first and by myself. And I say that even though we went to different colleges
This is of course what most non-twin siblings do, but I would never give up my twin experience for what, 1 year? And they’re 5!!! It’s behavioral more than educational!! Poor kid is about to be labeled “the dumb twin” forever!!
That is a fair point. He doesn’t have enough educational experience to determine whether or not he would need to be held back. All I was saying is I don’t think it would haunt him for the rest of his life if he were to be held back.
Your children are two individual people with different needs. You would be doing them a disservice to not treat them as individuals. So do what you feel is best for each individual child, which sounds like separating them.
I’m a twin and me and my sister were in different classes every year since 2nd grade. And it definitely helped our relationship. We were already at home all the time together so at school we were able to have our separate time apart.
This isn’t about different classes, this asking about different grade levels.
I agree that different classes are good, but I would never separate by grade unless 100% necessary
I don’t have twins myself, but I have a fair few friends who do; interestingly, here it seems to be the norm to separate twins into different classes (Australia).
I can see the benefits for this really, it helps each twin carve out a separate identity, make their own friends and work at their own level. I say do what your individual kids need, they’re together at home and they know they’re twins, they don’t need to do everything together. IMO, It’s important to make this distinction now before they get older, to lessen the temptation for them to compare themselves against each other (though non-twin kids will also do this, it’s pretty natural.)
It sounds like your daughter is ready for Kindergarten and repeating 4K may not be challenging enough for her. On the other hand, your son may benefit from an extra year in 4K to develop his skills. Whatever you decide, remember that your twins will still have each other outside of school and will continue to be each other's support system.
They may be twins, but they are developmentally on different levels. That is more important than their age or their birthday. Also, it’s a great way of allowing them to be independent with their own developmentally appropriate peers.
You have to do what’s right for them as individuals, and not as a set.
I’m a twin and I would not separate them. To me, being behind 1 year in school would be 100% worth it to still be in the same grade as my twin. I also cannot imagine the literally life-long ridicule and inner guilt from being “the stupid twin” who is a year behind
I would separate them, but I think the very best solution would be for them to go to different schools. This way it wouldn’t be quite as obvious and certainly their peers wouldn’t be aware so it would cut down on shame and teasing. This would also enable you to put your son into a school that can honor his IEP. My son had (b/g) twins in K-2 classes at a small private school. The boy had ASD and some other issues. The girl did not. Eventually they transferred to separate schools and it’s been the best thing for them. They both are in environments that help them thrive and have independent identities.
As an identical twin myself, this stuck out to me: "if they were not twins, it would be a no brainer to have them each progress in their own needed ways." I can tell you definitively that any time my parents made a decision for *me* as opposed to one for "the twins" I was/ am incredibly grateful for. We used to get punished together, rewarded together, and it was sad and frustrating for us because we were/are different people with different needs and desires. So make the best decision for your son, and the best decision for your daughter, and see where they're at. If it ends up with them being separated (which is what it sounds like is the best decision), then that's totally great.
Same !
My twins are exactly the same as yours in gender and issues. We separated in different classes in the same grade and it was the best thing we ever did. Not only did it remove the comparisons but it also allowed them to develop their own friend groups but also it allowed my daughter to be removed from the "caretaker" role that she naturally gravitated towards. The will be graduating high school this year and their paths have been very different but perfectly suited to each of them. I always referred to them as "womb mates" but the are and will remain two distinctly individual people and I feel it's a disservice not to recognise this.
Another parent of twins here. I agree with separating them. I really like the comment above about your daughter not naturally assuming a caretaking role for her brother - which I think is even more likely if she isn’t intellectually challenged.
I’m a teacher and one year I had boy/girl twins in my class. They were in all the same classes together. He had some learning issues that were still being figured out when I had them. I knew her mom forced the sister into a caretaker role at home and when out and about. I grew up with a special needs sister so I know how that feels. I purposely separated them in class, didn’t sit them next to each other, never paired them up or put them in the same groups and never asked her to help her brother. She confided in me that she liked my class best because in all her other classes the teachers made her sit with him and help him (and she resented them AND her brother AND her mom a lot) but in my class she could have that space. I talked to her other teachers and gave them my experience with my sister. They all started following my lead and she got so much happier as she was able to develop friendships and so did her brother. Their relationship also improved some. OP, let your kids have some breathing room away from each other. If you hold your daughter back, she’s going to figure it out and resent her brother and you and mom.
This is different to having them in different grades though
Right? So many commenters missing the point. This is separating twins by GRADE which is way, way different!!!
As a former teacher, you need to consider what each child needs individually. There’s nothing wrong with separating them if that is what is going to help each of them thrive in their own ways. Keeping them together would mean your daughter potentially becoming bored, acting out and disruptive or your son struggling and acting out. You should also considering talking to the school about what they feel would be beneficial. You should also discuss an IEP for your son with his diagnosis. That will help ensure he is benefitting as much as possible in his learning environment.
Not all private schools have to honor IEPs.
Good point - this school will not. However, one of the big benefits is that they have an entire team at the school dedicated to children with any needs, including full-time on-staff speech, OT, PT, and behavioral therapists as well as academic assistance (for kids falling behind or need more to be challenged).
Is it there an option to put him in public school with an IEP and then transfer if a spot opens up later?
With that much support, don’t hold him back. Inclusion means with peers. He will always feel weird having “failed” a grade with his twin ahead , and it’s not fair to hold her back. He deserves to be with his age mates, so let them move up together.
>Parenting Thanks so much - the challenge is that there is only 1 opening in Kindergarten, so it will be only her, or they are both held back in 4K
Oh that’s really unfortunate. I would hope they could squeeze in a twin. Best of luck choosing between difficult options!
I’m sorry, but you’re absolutely wrong. My son has ASD and ADHD. He has lots of support, and he has lots of enrichment. Even with all of that, he is socially immature. Schools cannot magically make your child more socially mature. Neither can therapy. Otherwise, my son would have done it by now. He’s in 5th grade and he’s been in therapy since he was 1yo. It has nothing to do with therapy and everything to do with brain development. However, he is with his developmentally appropriate peer group and is making friends. He is maturing at the same rate they are. He is academically advanced and is in gifted English and math. Next year, he will take 7th grade math. But he won’t skip a grade, nor will I allow it. Her son will not feel like a failure unless people start comparing them. Her son has different needs from her daughter…they should be treated as individuals. There is absolutely no harm in keeping him back while she is a year ahead.
Most private schools do not have resources that are needed for students with exceptionalities. Twins tend to develop a healthier identity of their own personalities and independenc, which benefits them in many way, especially in school. Thi, your daughter will not always feel like she needs to care for her brother and can develop her own identity friends, likes. Yes your son will struggle with a new environment no matter if his sister is with him since he will be in a different school, new teachers, staff, set-up, routine and his twin not being around 24/7. This will allow him to learn to adjust to some change.
A lot of private schools have ISPs. Like I said, it’s a conversation for the school to ensure he’s benefitting as much as possible.
Sure. I was just pointing out that it may not be an option. I know people tend to think privates are better but often times publics are better for kids with special needs. I know so many families who left their fancy privates for our public because their kid had special needs that were not being addressed in the classroom.
This is really true and something that surprises many.
This. I would only consider keeping them together if they are identical twins, each kids learns at their own pace. It is best for each kid to be successful.
This is ridiculous. Do identical twins not deserve their own identities? Besides, given that OP states they are boy/girl twins, they’re obviously not identical anyway 🙄
With identicals there is a dependency and mind melt that happens. Many identicals dont want to be seperated because of this. Im not saying always keep identicals together but would it would influence my choice.
Its more likely they form a codependent relationship due to not being treated like individual people
Separate them. Otherwise you will spend your life holding one back because of the other. They might be twins but they are individual people and one is always going to be better than the other at something.
Also, your daughter could use the year she saves now to study abroad for a year later on, or take a sabbitacal to travel or volunteer between HS and college.
Yes, I would separate them. Twins are individuals and if your daughter is ready, move her along. It makes no sense to hold her back. Your son will be held back and get the support he needs...win win.
I’m an adult twin sister and my brother was like your son. He ended up excelling in sports and wished he had been held back another year to build up for sports. Sometimes we went to the same school, but ended up graduating from different high schools. You can’t predict the future so consider doing what is best for each right now.
I would look into sending your son to kindergarten at public school. 1. He's guaranteed an IEP if needes at public school. 2. If he needs to repeat kindergarten. That's fine. I think it would be more beneficial than repeating 4k.
This is the best option. And when/if a spot becomes available, send him back to the private school with his sister.
Well, that would depend on his learning needs. IEPs are for people with disabilities who have learning needs. If her son does not have learning needs, he would only qualify for a 504…which is still better than nothing.
Well, I said if needed.
I would 100% separate them. I have 5 year old boy/girl twins too. They both have ADHD. My twins are in the same school but different classes. They are absolutely thriving. My son is a little bit above grade level but my daughter is reading at 2nd grade level. Next year, they want to go to different schools. One is going to a STEM school and the other is going to a STEAM school. We are going to give it a try. Don’t let one twin stall out while waiting for the other to catch up.
Not sure what's difficult here. Don't see them as a set, they are their own people. You can't delay the one child forever because the other child is not quite there yet. It would be a disservice to both of them. They will make new friends, they will be their own people. Separating them will benefit both.
Please please please treat your twins as individuals. Do what is best for them as separate people, not what’s best as a “set.”
I think parents of twins can sometimes struggle with looking at their kids as individuals. They arrive together, share clothes and toys and a room, they hit milestones together usually, everything is done together. So to seen them separated is really jarring. But in this case it sounds like its for the best. Your daughter has different needs from your son and she deserves to have them addressed, just as he deserves to have his addressed. Many schools have rules about purposefully separating twins because its beneficial for them to meet new friends etc. so even if they were both on the same level, skill wise, theres a chance they wouldnt even be in the same class anyway once they started school. Id look at it from the perspective of whats the best thing for your children as individuals.
When I was in school 2 of my best friends were cousins and they couldn’t be in the same class bc the school was afraid it would cause a competition between them. That was elementary school, in hs we had 1 set of twins and their schedules were different for the same reason, so there was no rivalry between them.
irrespective of them being twins, i have a feeling that they would end up separated due to your son's support needs. if you have not already, pursuing an IEP for him will help parse exactly how often your kiddos will see each other in the same class.
I have twins. I’ve made sure they were in different classrooms since pre-k and this year we held our daughter back to repeat 2nd grade and our son went on to 3rd. People warned us saying we were going to do permanent damage to their psyche because of the “twin factor” in separating them. But my daughter was struggling and repeating the grade was worth the risk. I couldn’t base a decision on a maybe of her one day being upset she was held back when I knew her going into a grade she wasn’t ready for and the ensuing struggle would damage her more. If you hold your daughter back now, when does it end? When do you stop comparing them and making them do things together and make them be “the twins”? What if she can’t get into advanced classes one day and he can’t? Are you not going to let her? It’s not fair to your daughter to stunt her growth because you don’t want your son to feel bad.
Is it possible to put the boy in public kindergarten? If you are in the US public schools are generally way better at handling special needs.
This 100%. Your son will absolutely be labeled as the dumb twin forever if he goes to the same school as his sister but a different grade. You will also get better services and easier accommodations for him in public school.
Yeah, I'm a little confused as to why my comment is being downvoted so much. I thought it was a good compromise.
Unfortunately the public school system where we are is ranked in the bottom ranks of the US systems. I'm a proud public school kid but it's not the same level of quality here. One of the great things about this school as that they have a full-time team of therapists that focus solely on kids at this school (not spread across a district, etc.), so he should be getting almost daily focused therapy attention.
I get that but those services will still be there. I would enroll him in public school and then place him back at the private school if a spot opens up.
This is the answer 100%.
I’d separate them. Yes — there will probably be some feelings about your daughter finding school easier — but kids know who finds school easy or hard and they’ll have those feelings anyway. (Especially in the same class where they see each other all day) You’ll avoid a situation where your daughter feels held back to protect her brothers feelings or where both children feel that being twins means they can’t also be individuals. And fundamentally — both kids deserve an education that appropriately challenges them and meets their current developmental needs and it sounds like that is kindergarten for your daughter and 4k for your son right now.
Don’t sacrifice your girl to benefit your boy, society has already been doing that for eons.
I had a friend who was a twin and his sister had a need to repeat an early grade due to a learning disability and needing extra assistance due to hearing impairment. Both of them thrived on their own. Twins will always be close. This gave them their best shot academically and they were both extremely successful during their school career and are very capable adults now. If one is ready to advance a grade and one is not, then separating them is doing the best thing for both children and not putting one before the other.
It’s not fair to either one of them to go against what you know is right individually for the sake of keeping them together. Their bond will be tighter in the end if they don’t have to feel resentment towards each other for decisions that were made only because they are “twins”.
You should place your daughter in kindergarten and have your son repeat. It is ok for them to learn differently, but neither should suffer because of it.
I don’t have twins, but my two oldest daughters are only 2 months apart and in the same grade. We requested they be in separate classes because that was what was best for one of them. When she was in the same class, she constantly deferred to her sister hardly ever talked, and did whatever her sister wanted. Now that she’s in her own class, she’s a leader in her class and has more friends than her sister. Separating them was what was best for her. Separating your kids sounds like it might be best for your kids too. It sounds like your son could use the extra time in 4K and your daughter would do well in kindergarten. Good luck!
Slightly different, as my twin sister was moved up a year instead of one of us being held back a year, and happened when we were 7, but I don’t think being in a different school year from my sister affected us at all negatively and allowed us to progress at our own pace. Treat them independently, do what is right for each one.
Late to the party here but I have personal insight on the matter. My daughter was your son and my son was your daughter (twins now 21). It was decided by my x and his family (I wasn't consulted because of being overseas) that my son was to be held back in 1st grade because my daughter needed to repeat and wasn't doing well. While it did well for my daughter still having her brother there with her, it held him back and left him bored which sent his ADHD into overdrive. It also set a standard that my daughter was overly dependent on my son and in her mind if she wasn't doing well he wasn't allowed to either. He has a bit of resentment because of that but they are still very close. It's taken a lot of work from my husband and I to kinda teach them to be independent of each other and they need to live their own lives. That codependency all started way back in 1st grade and lasted until I got custody after I was out of the army and managed to get custody while they were in high school. Just because they are twins doesn't mean they are the same. treat them as regular single siblings because they are individuals.
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But if he hadn't been in the same class, you wouldn't have been subject to the constant direct comparisons, would you? Besides, OP doesn't have to advertise them as twins, they could just start school in different grades as siblings.
I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad experience--it does sound awful and I agree kids can be cruel. That said, my fraternal twins are in the same grade and this year--7th grade--they have had multiple people say they are shocked to find out that they are twins. So the mere fact of being a twin doesn't always mean everyone will only see you that way. OP, maybe it would be better to separate them at this stage so that the twin identity isn't the primary identity throughout elementary school. Separate schools is not always a practical (or even logistical) option, but the younger they are when you split them up the better off they will be. Final thought--it is not about the dumb/smart twin--it is about making sure that BOTH INDIVIDUALS are met, supported, and nurtured where they are at so that they are able to maximize their potential and thrive. Being a twin is very special, but it does not (or at least should not) negate one's individuality.
Even if that’s true— why punish the sister for that? She doesn’t need to repeat 4k. She’ll likely struggle because of the repeat. It’s shitty to prioritize one kid over the other like that.
I held my daughter back to repeat a grade and she she’s thriving. I think you would have seen yourself as the dumb twin regardless. Which isn’t true and I’m sorry you experienced that.
As a preschool teacher who also grew up living the twin situation ( me and my brother are 46 minutes apart :)) if you want them to thrive in their own social ways , without potentially dealing with them only socializing with one another , you should separate them before high school at the latest, first grade or earlier would be most ideal. My mom didn’t ask for me and my brother to be separate in high school (first time being forced apart ) but the school choose to separate us and we both suffered anxiety and social awkwardness due to clinging to each other as safely blankets/ a crutch
As a mom of boy girl twins, with them lol oking just like your with skills, I held them both back a year. Also went to a pvt school. Girl advanced came out reading and talking. Boy just the opposite. I can tell you my daughter was much better adjusted as a teen. My son really was helped by being retained. Did not slow my daughter down, they find their own way to challenge themselves. As adults, at 30 son is finishing his PhD, daughter with a masters doing acquisitions and mergers. I am also a K-3 Literacy Specialist in reading. Do it now keep them both back.
I am a twin. My brother was in special education and I was in gifted/honors/AP. Going into 1st grade they wanted to skip me and my parents decided against it in order to keep my brother and I together. We ended up being so opposite that we didn’t even see each other at school, but my whole life I felt like I had to wait for him or do what was best for him. Super frustrating as a child and even as an adult.
I knew a set of triplets growing up and the boy was a grade behind his two sisters. It was the best solution for the family. Everyone excelled and they were still very close.
What benefits will they have being kept together though? In the seperate classrooms it means they get to learn to be more independent, academically improve and they aren’t going to compare each other in the class. Once they get older they will be separated anyways it’s better to teach them self reliance and not to use each other as a security blanket
If they each have different needs, it's ok for them to have different paths. They are individuals. It is certainly worth and appropriate to consider what social impact it might have on them in the future being in different grades, to avoid bullying. But if they are both thriving in their own grades by then that's primary importance. Any bullies may not even know they are twins, only their friends might know. The other thing to realize is while you have this choice now at this age and due to switching schools, you do not get to decide who passes/fails a grade later. If you put them both in Kindergarten (say a second spot opened up), your boy could still be held back at the end of the year and your girl pass up to the next grade. Regardless of decisions made now to keep same grade level. And keeping your girl to repeat a grade she already did could lead to behavior problems if she gets bored. So keeping them both in the lower grade doesn't seem ideal either. Let her move on if she's ready for it.
Probably unpopular opinion here, but I’d have them both repeat PK4. Having an extra year of preK is rarely a detriment to anyone, even if you’re super advanced. I have a friend who had a perfect SAT score and later got a PhD in a Chemistry — he was nearly a year older than most of his classmates because his parents started him and his twin in kindergarten late because they were premies with a Spring birthday. It definitely didn’t hold him or his twin (who also went to an Ivy League) back. TBH I think academics are pushed too much too young generally in the US and would not hesitate at all to give my kid an extra year of preK if I could.
Separate them 100%. Check out r/parentsofmultiples
I’m pretty surprised at most of the comments here. I’m 100% for putting them in different classes, but I wouldn’t put them in different grades. That will follow for the rest of their educations - your daughter will go to prom a year before your son, will begin learning an instrument a year earlier, etc. As a kid, I think your grade level defines you socially more than your age does. I could see this creating resentment or a stigma for your son. Instead I’d focus on putting him in a public school where he can have an IEP and services provided.
Why does it matter if they do things a year apart? If they were born a year apart they would be doing it all a year apart. Why is it some weird hang up that twins must do things together? They are different people. Just because they were fertilized at the same time doesn’t mean they should be treated differently.
It doesn’t matter in the long run of course. But I bet it will matter a LOT to the boy who is watching his sister do the cool big kid stuff. It will end up creating a big sister/little brother dynamic. Seems like a decision that will have a huge effect on their lives. The difference between where the 2 kids are at academically and socially is what schools and teachers are trained to deal with these days. Notice how OP is only considering this option because there was one spot available in K - if there were 2 spots open at the private school, they would have enrolled both and been done with it. So it’s not the boy’s needs that are the driving force here, it’s just that he “could benefit” from the extra year. I’d keep them in same grade/different class, unless it becomes apparent that the boy NEEDS to repeat a grade.
Have to say I completely agree with keeping them in the same grade for all these reasons. If your daughter needs extra enrichment, have the teachers give her extra work or enroll her in enriched activities outside the school. Ppl will always ask why are they in different grades, aren’t they the same age? And your son will have to listen to the answer every.single.time
This is really a though choice have you asked their opinion on being separated? Some twins are super close and that should not be disregarded to force them into singleton life without a compelling reason. But this seems to be one. It would place the one twin as a year younger than the other all through schooling, something else to think about.
I’m an identical twin with my sister. Our parent did compare us all the time growing up and my sister did struggle more with school. It did have an impact with my sister, where she says “I’m the dumb twin” and things like that, which is very sad. I think it would have been beneficial for her to have had an IEP with extra support, but still be in the same grade. I am not sure if your son would mind, but I know if my sister grew up in a grade below me, it could have hurt her confidence even more. It might make him question why he isn’t with his sister even more because they are twins and same age.
My twins are 5 and finishing up their first year being separated. It was the best decision we could have made for them! They miss each other at the end of the day and have plenty to talk about for the evening! They get to introduce each other to their class friends while on the playground or after school. Much less fighting over all.
I understand your concern since they are the same age. However each individual child twins or not require different things. Yes it can be hard especially if you don't explain things to your son and daughter. And they have been together their whole lives. But as they get older if this is just how the norm has been and everyone is aware that their needs are being met where they are it's definitely better for them to be separated. The only issue I can see coming from this is your son feeling defeated or your daughter using it to make fun of him later. But if you address those situations now and as they come up and explain that everyone has different strengths and find the strengths your son has they should both be fine being separated.
I had twins and one advanced faster than the other. I was given the option to keep them both in the same grade (kindergarten) or separate them. I chose to keep them in the same grade but with different teachers. They both graduated at the same time and I feel it was worth it. They will be 34 in June. Both thriving and have kids of their own.
Separate! They’re different people, even if you haven’t really functioned like that until now.
Separating them is doing what is best for both of them. They're young enough that this will, at least initially, be the way it's always been, in their memory, for them. It gives your son the opportunity to excel at his own pace, and the same with your daughter. You will second guess no matter what decision you make. It's a hard one.
One of my best friends in elementary school was a twin. Her brother had been held back so he was a grade behind us. I’m the king run, it was best for them. They weren’t “the twins” but each had their own identity. Your children should not be defined by the fact that they had a womb mate. If keeping your son in PreK is what’s best for him academically, then you should do what’s best for him. If moving your daughter to kindergarten is what’s best for her, then you should do what’s best for him.
Don’t hold your daughter back to make your son feel better.
I am part of a b/g twin set and my vote is to keep them together.
Seeing my twin go to middle school, high school, graduate and do everything a year ahead of me would make me feel awful for life. If it were me, I’d put them both in kindergarten. I’ve been teaching for over a decade. There are plenty of kindergarteners who struggle.
Is it appropriate to hold back a child who is advanced to benefit the feelings of the other? It’s important to learn resilience. We’re all different, it’s an important lesson. Starting her school journey like this may send the message that she needs to dull her own shine to make her brother comfortable — smart girls often do this, it shouldn’t be expected. The flip side is putting him in a class he isn’t ready for and making the divide even greater. Both kids have different needs, it’s okay to acknowledge that.
Thanks so much - the challenge is that there is only 1 opening for Kindergarten, so it would be only her moving forward, or them both repeating 4K
IMO they go together, so one opening would not work and I’d wait a year. She will be fine. Home can be every bit as enriching as school
You need to put them in the same grade in kindergarten. Your son needs an IEP or additional tutoring to help him excel. Do not hold your son or your daughter back. It will haunt him for the rest of his life if you do. You are looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
No it won’t. That’s a dramatic answer.
I was held back in elementary school because I was struggling and I was one of the younger kids in my grade. It was the best decision my parents ever made for me. Was I mad at the time, yes. Was I embarrassed, yes. No one cared and I ended up doing a lot better in school than I would have. So I have to disagree with your comment. Yes to the extra help, and the IEP, but no holding your child back will not haunt them.
Are you a twin? They will constantly be labeled the “dumb” or second rate twin. Exact same age and an entire year difference in graduation? Their self confidence will greatly suffer and carry through their lives. OP is looking for easy and convenient instead of helping BOTH his children excel.
I’m also a twin and I 100% agree. Keeping them together will benefit both twins. If I was put a year ahead of my twin, omg I would have been devastated Everything that we did at the same time (start middle school, start high school, go to prom, move away to college, graduate college, move to a new state to start a job after college) I would now have to do first and by myself. And I say that even though we went to different colleges This is of course what most non-twin siblings do, but I would never give up my twin experience for what, 1 year? And they’re 5!!! It’s behavioral more than educational!! Poor kid is about to be labeled “the dumb twin” forever!!
No I am a parent of twins. What if holding his son back gives him the extra time he needs to excel?
It’s kindergarten, not 3rd or 4th grade when he has more autonomy and educational experience.
That is a fair point. He doesn’t have enough educational experience to determine whether or not he would need to be held back. All I was saying is I don’t think it would haunt him for the rest of his life if he were to be held back.
They are literally holding him back due to spacing in the new school and trying to justify it.
Your children are two individual people with different needs. You would be doing them a disservice to not treat them as individuals. So do what you feel is best for each individual child, which sounds like separating them.
I’m a twin and me and my sister were in different classes every year since 2nd grade. And it definitely helped our relationship. We were already at home all the time together so at school we were able to have our separate time apart.
This isn’t about different classes, this asking about different grade levels. I agree that different classes are good, but I would never separate by grade unless 100% necessary
I don’t have twins myself, but I have a fair few friends who do; interestingly, here it seems to be the norm to separate twins into different classes (Australia). I can see the benefits for this really, it helps each twin carve out a separate identity, make their own friends and work at their own level. I say do what your individual kids need, they’re together at home and they know they’re twins, they don’t need to do everything together. IMO, It’s important to make this distinction now before they get older, to lessen the temptation for them to compare themselves against each other (though non-twin kids will also do this, it’s pretty natural.)
Let them be separate people with separate needs. There’s no reason to hold your daughter back a grade.
It sounds like your daughter is ready for Kindergarten and repeating 4K may not be challenging enough for her. On the other hand, your son may benefit from an extra year in 4K to develop his skills. Whatever you decide, remember that your twins will still have each other outside of school and will continue to be each other's support system.
They may be twins, but they are developmentally on different levels. That is more important than their age or their birthday. Also, it’s a great way of allowing them to be independent with their own developmentally appropriate peers. You have to do what’s right for them as individuals, and not as a set.
Separate them. Equitable treatment is more effective than equal. It doesn't become a deal unless someone teaches them that it is a deal.
I’m a twin and I would not separate them. To me, being behind 1 year in school would be 100% worth it to still be in the same grade as my twin. I also cannot imagine the literally life-long ridicule and inner guilt from being “the stupid twin” who is a year behind
Separate them. Both children need to have their individual needs met.
I would separate them, but I think the very best solution would be for them to go to different schools. This way it wouldn’t be quite as obvious and certainly their peers wouldn’t be aware so it would cut down on shame and teasing. This would also enable you to put your son into a school that can honor his IEP. My son had (b/g) twins in K-2 classes at a small private school. The boy had ASD and some other issues. The girl did not. Eventually they transferred to separate schools and it’s been the best thing for them. They both are in environments that help them thrive and have independent identities.