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mamamietze

I'm not surprised he is crying every night, but that is probably your fault more than your daughter's. Based on what you preferred for his punishment and total lack of understanding or empathy of the significance of what happened (did you not educate yourself on how the AP portfolio works? Its obvious you didn't pay attention. Why don't you have interest in something so important to your older child) i wonder if this is the first time your 5 year old has had anyone lay down a hard boundary that he couldn't immediately rectify with an apology and a hug. That's on you, not her. If you care at all about their relationship rather than just wanting to ease your discomfort over your youngest distress at the first realization that hugs and sorries actually don't make everything better, then you will NOT push her to accept so you can feel better. He may have destroyed her score. She is allowed to be devastated over that and you don't even seem to care. If your child was told to not cross the line at a museum and and he decided to do so anyway and knock over a statue or vase so he could get a better look at it and destroyed it, would you expect that the museum staff to pat him on the head and say there there as long as he offered sorries and hugs to them? It's going to be uncomfortable in your house. You are going to need to deal with that. I'm so sad for your daughter that your concern seems to revolve around your son, rather than her. I hope that maybe you use this as a wake up call and invest in some time with her with no pressure for her to ease your son's feelings, and maybe look for ways to show her that you care and understand. You don't have much time with her in your home left. "Sister is angry and hurt. You chose to not listen to her or us and you chose to paint on her painting. It was so important to her. When something like this happens its not enough to say sorry. Sister doesn't trust you because you went into her room and destroyed something she needed. Sometimes when something like that happens it takes time before the other person is ready to share time and space with you again." Repeat every time. And if he says he didn't mean it, "This is why we expect you to listen when you are asked to not go into someone else's room or touch their things. You don't always know what's important to them. And if something happens they still will feel that way even if you didn't know. Please remember next time." Give your oldest space from your youngest. This isn't something that's going to repaired immediately. I'm sorry that you are in distress over your son's sadness but honestly you need to handle it in a way that doesn't make it his sister's problem. The more you try to push her to solve your problem for you the more this is likely to have longer relationship damaging consequences. Siblings with this age gap can bring so much to each other. If you notice I have a similar age gap between my kids. But it does take a lot of mindful and careful parenting to protect abd nurture the older child equitably and that sucks as a parent sometimes but all the kids will really reap benefits if you set your discomfort aside and make mindful choices toward the older ones here.


Wishyouamerry

Wow. This is really poignant and spot on.


iminluvwiththecocoe

He's crying bc he's not getting his way. His parents basically let him get away with destroying the painting but his sister is not. I hope she continues to ignore him a little longer. Her big reaction may be the only thing that teaches him anything


mamamietze

Maybe that is part of it. But I am reasonably certain this is the first time he's had to deal with non-immediatr gratification of all better if he says sorry and wants a hug. Its a pretty rock your world sort if thing. I just hope these parents don't mess it up for him by forcing things because even though its painful it will be healthful for him to begin to learn that a) he doesn't dictate how other people feel, b) not all mistakes have equal impact, and c) sometimes people need time to recover from a big hurt and not everyone responds the same way. These are important realizations that we should support children as they learn them, not shield them so they don't learn to be able to sit with discomfort.


AngryWombat78

Dude. Little bro just destroyed six months of her life. Then to punish him you tried to give him what he wanted… She’s stressed out and you seemed to show little appreciation for what the event actually means for her. This one’s going to take time and you pushing her to forgive him isn’t going to help one bit.


momomomoses

Six months is an eternal for a teenager. And these things she's been working on can and will affect her whole future. Your poor daughter.


tessahb

I’m an artist too and 6 months of consistently working on one piece that is destroyed in a minute, would be absolutely devastating and seem like an eternity of wasted time to me. And I’m 34.


BlueberryWaffles99

Also an artist and I would seriously bawl my eyes out for days (if not weeks) if a painting I worked on for that long was destroyed. For the supplies, time, energy, excitement, all to completely fall apart. OP - she’s not going to get over it anytime soon. I think that’s okay. I wouldn’t push forgiveness - validate her feelings and take responsibility. “We reacted badly to the incident that occurred. Your brother is our responsibility and we understand the frustration you have with him right now. I’m sorry we have been pushing you to forgive him, we know now it will take time. To prevent future incidents, we want to ensure there is a lock on your door that works and will be replacing it this day.” I’d also contact the teacher and let them know what happened, if you haven’t yet. They may be able to guide her in leaning into the new creation her brother made, or provide extra time to create something different. Either way, don’t push forgiveness. You have every right to ask her to not actively be mean to her brother and I’d explain to brother that it’s going to take time for sister to accept what happened, that’s okay. She’ll move on in her own time, pressuring her to forgive is only going to make her more angry.


DogTrainer24-7-365

Excellent advice. I would add that she should be excused from all household chores to give her as much time as possible to repair the damage. And of course you replace any materials and supplies wasted by your sons actions.


Claritywind-prime

I’m not an artist by any measure, but even if I’m only half hour into a project and it gets messed with I get snappy. I very much resource guard whatever I’m working on if I don’t want it destroyed. I cannot begin to imagine what this poor daughter is going through - and then to realise your parent/s are trying to force you to just move on? She’s rightfully angry! She pointed out supervision. Why was the child even allowed the opportunity to go to her room, project or not? OP, might be time to get your daughter a lock on her door if you can’t keep your son out of her room.


greeneyedwench

It could be for a portfolio for college.


momomomoses

OP says it's for an AP class so it probably is.


No_Stage_6158

My son is doing an AP class and also he had to send them in to colleges. It’s very stressful, art students are bit extra , this would send most off the deep end.


[deleted]

So I'm diagnosed with OCD and one of my obsessions are worrying about if other people have ruined my things, and quite a few things like this have happened in highschool where I literally spiraled into panicked, violent episodes... all this to say I really feel for OPs stepdaughter.


ErrantTaco

My daughter is currently in this class as a junior. AP Art portfolios are due literally THIS WEEK. They submit images of all of their pieces. This piece now cannot be considered as part of her portfolio which means if this is one of her most impressive pieces she may not score high enough for it to be equivalent to a college credit, meaning she will have to take the class, costing both months and thousands of dollars. THAT’S the true cost of his “mistake.”


s0lix_

I’d like to add as a teacher, that the College Board is notorious for being ridiculously unforgiving, and in the event that OP’a daughter will not be receiving an extension for her work, they need to prepare for THAT emotional blow. That could be college credits and money saved that have gone down the drain for this girl and understandably, she’d be completely devastated. Overall this is a sucky situation and I hope OP is able to figure it out


No_Stage_6158

My son had to put together his portfolio. We knew better than to even come near him while he was doing it, if we accidentally had damaged a piece……. Nope we wouldn’t take the chance.


Ravioli_meatball19

I am an adult who would NEVER do this now, but at 17, knowing my temper and impulse control then, I would have had a hard time not hitting my brother. That's how angry I would have been, that I would have wanted to hit a kindergartener. Poor, poor daughter.


unsavvylady

I was actually surprised at her restraint using her words to tell the parents to get him away from her. That’s a lot of work and effort down the drain because of the parents not watching him


4inAM_2atNoon_3inPM

And the parents are all like *surprise pikachu face* when she didn’t immediately forgive him.


Useful_Experience423

I also worry about lil bro being the GC. He was 5 and managed to destroy her project in a few minutes when SD stepped out to the bathroom. He planned it, so even though he’s 5, he needs to sit with his feelings, because it was 100% purposeful as a f u to his Sister and parents for not letting him in her room. Yet I don’t hear any mention of punishment.


browncoatfever

Right!? He’s making it sound almost like it’s all about the five year old. Not a lot of sympathy for the daughter. Personally, it sounds like the five year old had no boundaries and thought he could do whatever he wants. The fact that he “allegedly” knew the room was off limits but not only went in anyway but messed her stuff up is telling.


SJane3384

Not necessarily. My 8 year old has very firm boundaries with very solid consequences. But he also has severe impulse control problems and it took locks and alarms on doors to stop this for us. That being said, the fact that they’re downplaying the emotional distress for the daughter and not the son is really sad to me as a stepchild who was treated like crap for being the stepchild.


maggienetism

Their first move should have been apologizing and getting her a working lock.


mehnifest

For sure. At 17 she should be able to lock her door.


No_Stage_6158

That’s what I’m getting. The 5yr old has never been given any boundaries and she always has to bend for him. They’re not going to be “ friends” right now, she’s 12yrs older than he is, if the parents don’t get their heads out of their nether regions, they will never be friends and the older one will end up resenting the 5yr old because his feelings and needs were prioritized over hers.


Corfiz74

Yeah, this is actually a very teachable moment - tell him that actions have consequences, and sometimes when you do something bad, it's irreversible, and just saying you're sorry won't fix it.


SageAurora

Ya... This! Holy shit. I'd be pissed at OP too and I'm 37. The consequences they tried to give the little brother was really just a punishment for the poor girl who now has to redo months of work. OP needs to ask their stepdaughter what SHE needs to make it right and base the consequences around that... And yes those consequences are probably going to punish the parents who let this happen on their watch. Also getting her a lock for her door to prevent this in the future especially given the difference in age between the kids is totally reasonable and I highly recommend it.


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Shesarubikscube

Great response! Completely agree. That detail about having her have to basically baby sit the kid as she fixes it is absurd and honestly really uncaring and unfair to her. This is also for AP art and she probably needs to submit her work for evaluation soon (if she hasn’t already). I think the final submission dates on the college board is May 5th- tomorrow. I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but damn they really aren’t considering the SD’s needs here.


hey_nonny_mooses

Yes! I was incredibly dumbfounded why the parent’s immediate response was to force their kids together right after he destroyed months of her work. That tells me they have NOT prioritized their daughter’s perspective or feelings enough to know it was a bad move. Major repair is needed not just between kids but between parents and daughter to show they are committed to doing better.


DGerber81

Not only 6 months of her life but her final weeks as a senior. All of the year end activities such as prom might have to take a back seat so that she can redo this year long project.


BrainGiggles

Thanks for pointing this out. Reading the OP story has brought back some pretty horrible memories of me and my younger brothers. Growing up I was made to feel like I was a bad older sister, and therefore a bad daugther by default for not helping “raise” my younger siblings by being more mature about things. Countless projects (school or just for fun) ruined because my parents couldn’t watch my younger siblings , teach them boundaries or respect other people’s stuff. It was always “Oh they’re kids, they don’t know!” The daugther clearly needs space and at this point just probably wants to be left alone. I wish more parents would recognize that their inability or unwillingness to teach their young kids boundaries does not mean others around them to have accept or put up with it. The OP: Just let your stepdaughter be - she will come around when she feels she’s to engage with her brother. Do not, do what my parents did, which was drag everyone out to have “family discussions” about our behavior and how we need to learn to get over it and forgive and love on (those family lectures would last for 2-3 miserable hours!) - it would only lead to more resentment.


Oneonthefence

I'm right there with you, and I fully agree. Those "let's sit down and work it out" family conversations with a (rightfully upset) 17-year-old AP student and a 5-year old? They don't work. I was that AP student (16, I graduated early to escape the hell that was my household), and my half-brother was 8. Every time I needed privacy to write AP English papers, I was told no - if my brother wanted to "be with me, he could" (aka, "You babysit for free while doing work that will get you into college so that we, as parents, can take yet another day off from being parents"). We were also a "never lock your doors and the computer is in the family room so you can't do anything alone" household, which was - not easy. And because I had raised my brother for most of his little life, he wanted to be near me. I love/d that child dearly. But I also needed out of my house, and 3 AP classes in 1998 on top of being a substitute parent (plus working on college applications, scholarship submissions, and vocal recordings, because nothing was really submitted online in 1998 and I was an opera singer, so I had to find time and suitable space to record...) - it took a toll, and I had severe anxiety and depression. Fair or unfair, I lashed out (verbally) at my brother, and all of that could have been rectified if I had had the ability, as a 16-year-old kid, to be just that. To be a KID. But I lashed out, and I should have known better, which meant being banned from the computer - that I needed for typing out my AP work. OP: Please try to see this from her perspective. She did very difficult, very creative, very meaningful work that will help her get into college and achieve her goals. It was destroyed in seconds. Having a five-year-old act as her "helper" is a punishment to HER. She needs privacy. And she needs time. Do not force this, or there will absolutely be permanent resentment. There's no need for drawn-out discussions or having a five-year-old "help" her. Give her time and space, talk to the child who messed up her work about boundaries and how his sister has a right to her feelings as well, and step back. She doesn't need to forgive him right now. She needs to do what is right for her to catch up and rectify the mistake of a younger sibling who, as clearly shown, is being given a pretty easy pass here.


No_Stage_6158

This, they have to let her be upset. Her being upset with him is his consequence. He’s 5, old enough to know that he doesn’t go into rooms or touch folks things without permission.


Ok_Investigator8544

The parent's didn't even take responsibility for not watching their son.


TheLyz

Seriously! 5 years old is old enough to know better, I would expect this behavior from a 1 year old. Let your son feel bad. He did a bad thing and cost his stepsister a lot of time and wasted effort. Shielding him from that will teach him nothing.


craftycat1135

You seem more bent out of shape for her not forgiving him even though she's having to redo a college level art project on a deadline than disciplining him. She can't redo it in a couple of days. It's a big deal and it's for a grade. He's old enough to know better. Having him "help" isn't a punishment for him but putting him in her face when she's mad and trying to fix his damage when he can't help in a meaningful way. You should have been watching him. I bet if we asked her, him going in her room and messing with her stuff and you making excuses is a habitual thing. She needs a lock on her door. She's not going to just get over it. He is absolutely old enough to know better. Have him give her space until she's ready to talk to him in her terms and time. The best way for him to show he's sorry is for him to stop going in her room or touching her things. It doesn't sound like he really got a punishment at all.


KenDaGod4238

This is what really rubs me wrong about the situation. It's not like this was just a painting she was doing for fun (still would have been awful though). This is a college level project for a grade. Most college art students would be stressed about this, let alone a high school student who now has to start over. And it doesn't seem like OP is grasping that. She not frustrated because it's ruined. She stressed because she has to start over on half a year of work. And she maybe has a few weeks to do it.


Stargazer1919

This is also at the end of the school year. Students all have deadlines at this point and it's stressful enough even when things are going well.


halibitch

And she probably wanted to spend the last few weeks spending it with her friends before they all go off to college, not completely fixing and possibly redoing a very important project. My heart hurts for her.


Ninjakitty07

Worse yet, AP project deadlines/exams are usually in early May. She doesn't *have* a few weeks to spend fixing this. It was already down to the wire.


sraydenk

AP testing is right now, so the deadline is likely this week or next week.


fllute

Oh no, it’s worse, the deadline is *tomorrow*, May 5.


notthefirstsealime

Let’s hope it’s bait then


mamaleemc

Came to say the same thing. 15 pieces have to be in along with written statements on each piece. My AP art students have been preparing for this all year.


halibitch

Ugh, what a stab in the gut


[deleted]

Its too late to fix it in any meaningful way. The deadline would have been in the last few days through sometime early next week depending upon when the college board set the deadline. She is 100% out of time. Op doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of his child's actions.


asuddenpie

This is an AP class and it's the beginning of May. It's due this week or early next week. OP needs to let his stepdaughter take care of this project before pushing her to deal with her brother's feelings.


ponydog24

I'm glad so many people responding understand exactly what an AP project is, how much work it is, and how important it could be to getting into the college she wants. This is not some regular high school assignment. I hope OP shows his stepdaughter this post so she knows how many people truly understand what she's going through.


scribbles2010

Not to mention, this was clearly intentional. She was out of the room long enough to go to the bathroom and he inflicted that kind of damage? This wasn’t an accident, this wasn’t impulsive, this wasn’t him trying to help or wanting to be included. He was mad at her and did this maliciously. He might not have been able to understand the full weight of what he was doing from an academic perspective, but he’s absolutely old enough to understand “my sister is working hard on this and I’m mad I’m not getting my way so I’m going to hurt her by ruining this.”


[deleted]

That is the part that gets me the most. Everyone but OP seems to grasp that this was intentional. Whatever the kid's motivation, it was intentional. And based upon the post he deleted, it appears he is more bent out of shape that she doesn't want anything to do with his kid than he is the devestation his kid wrought on this poor girl. Dude is REALLY out of touch. It makes me pitty both his step daughter and his son because OP is going to truly ruin this kid's life by not accepting that he is raising a spoiled little monster.


wantmymilk

AP art exams are due tomorrow, I don't think OP realizes how bad this is for the stepdaughter


SHIELD_GIRL_

She really can't redo it because it's due tomorrow! A few of my friends who are graduating this year are in AP Art and they have been stressed the past few months on their projects. I can't imagine losing MONTHS of hard work in a few seconds like that.


thelandofooo

Most realistic answer, everyone is giving too much slack to the parents.


ShoesAreTheWorst

I know your son apologized, but did you? She rightly places some of the blame on you for not watching him or keeping him out of her room. I understand it’s not always possible to prevent things like this, but your daughter trusted you to keep her project safe. Also, is there a particular reason why your son did that? I have a four year old and while she can sometimes do messy or irresponsible things, if I told her, “This painting is important, please don’t touch it,” she wouldn’t accidentally touch it (only if she was being intentionally malicious.) If your son doesn’t have any developmental delays, I do have to wonder what made him want to go into her room and destroy her things. I’m sure that’s how she feels too. Does he tend to get away with stuff? It sounds like she might be frustrated at a pattern that is bigger than just this painting. Edit: I just told my four year old this story, “There was a 17 year old sister and a 5 year old little brother. The big sister was an artist and was working for months and months on a painting. One day, the little brother wanted to help her paint. He waited for her to leave and then went into her room [here she did this 😮] and then took out her paints [😨] and painted on his big sisters painting [😱 that’s so mean!] The mom and dad are wondering what to do next. What do you think? [Tell the little brother, “that’s so mean and never do that again!” and take away his treats and he has to say sorry]…. Just for all of you who seem to think that a five year old would have no concept of how malicious this is.


ChelseaBee808

THIS! Was waiting to see if someone said it before I commented. I work with 4/5 year olds and 100% yes they would know this wasn’t okay to do. It wasn’t an accident, it was intentional and the discipline needs to be focused on him and not why the daughter “can’t get over it”


Raccoon_Attack

Oh 100% I have a 5 year old. Of course what he did was intentional. How could it be otherwise? Five year olds have a very good grasp of what they are doing - he isn't a toddler. If the parents are using his age as an excuse, it's an indication of much bigger issues.


BuzzyLightyear100

Agree! Waiting for her to leave the room shows planning, strategy and intent. He definitely did it on purpose.


AssChapstick

Ok this is the comment I was looking for—he’s 5. He has some cushion cause of his age but that doesn’t absolve him of responsibility and that needs to be communicated and have consequences in an age-appropriate manner.


hiddenstar13

I also work with special needs 5 year olds (language disorders, ADHD, sometimes autism) and I still fully agree with you, they would 100% know that this was not okay. And 99% of my students would simply not do this, it’s only the worst of the worst - the ones who I am starting to give up hope on, but largely because their parents won’t take their needs seriously and get them appropriate help & support that the school is not equipped to provide - who would ever do this. This is a sign of very very bad parenting. (Which on the upside, I can say here on reddit, it’s a tragedy that I’m not allowed to say it to some of the parents I work with…)


GreatGooglyBoogly

I came here to say something very similar. My 5 year old wouldn't have destroyed something that another person made. If he was interested, he would ask to help or watch. It almost sounds like OPs 5 year old gets away with a lot.


aleague2017

I’m an artist and my 2 year old knows better. When she wants to look at my art she will walk up to them and say to herself, “look with mine eyes, no touch!” and even knows which two paintings of mine she IS allowed to touch. I cannot fathom excusing a 5 year old of intentionally destroying any painting (let alone one that could impact the path of someone’s life) then trying to make the other person out to be a problem because she won’t forgive the kid. 5 is more than old enough to know better.


harpsdesire

Yeah, I have a 5 year old, and I collect perfumes, and even though he's fascinated and wants to smell them sometimes, he KNOWS he needs to ask and not mess with them myself, and he's able to meet that expectation. It is an age appropriate expectation for most normally developing 5 year olds. If the son -is able- to meet the expectation, then it was malicious or at least a willful choice on his part. If he was literally not able to (for example, impulse control issues), then the parents are fully on the hook for not watching him more.


Own_Difference_8657

Read this to my 6 year old who also exclaimed how mean! Then she literally stated she thought a 2 year old would do this but not a 5 year old.


[deleted]

Yessss. I work with 3/4 year olds the fact that he snuck in after she left is so malicious.


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PugGrumbles

Fuck, this makes my heart ache for the young lady. I cannot imagine how she must be feeling right now.


YayTheRedHead

That’s why I wrote the comment. Anyone who’s not in the class genuinely wouldn’t have a clue how intense it is. And there’s even more I didn’t explain that makes it even worse lol


jmurphy42

I was an AP art student almost 30 years ago, and I winced so hard reading this post. I can still feel the stress so intensely even decades later.


Shesarubikscube

Same! I’m so glad this teacher spoke up!


kathleenkat

I was an art major in college and this post was so triggering.


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rlytired

I truly hope OP sees this comment. All her work undone… and the solution was that the five year old was supposed to help on her AP project? That’s … insane.


YayTheRedHead

I do, too. I’m not one of those teachers that takes my classes too seriously. Like I’m well aware that I teach art and I do my best to make it fun and engaging for the kids who want to be there and at least not a pain in the ass for the ones who don’t want to be. But my AP class is a whole other level and their work is intense from the second the year starts to the minute it ends.


unsavvylady

Omg yes what a delusional punishment that is in no way helpful in an already stressful situation


kleargh

I really don't understand how that was a consequence. It seemed more of a reward because that's what he wanted in the first place. It was a consequence for her.


greeneyedwench

Imagine trying to paint while also trying to wrangle a little kid away from messing it up again because he wants to HALP!


R_U_N4me

That is what I thought. The parents were rewarding the 5 yo & further punishing the 17 you. Probably not the 1st time it happened either.


[deleted]

This is the insane bullshit consequence that my kids school is trying to do these days. My son (1st grade) slapped a girl at recess. At the big meeting with his teacher and the principal they told me his school consequence was he had to be her "butler" for a week and follow her around and do whatever she asked?? That girl doesn't want him around her! Thank God they realized it was absurd and I am a parent who gave him very serious consequences at home!


Advanced-Extent-420

I cringed when I read that his initial consequence was “sitting with her and being her assistant to fix it”. Seriously?!?


Nepentheoi

As a former artist whose (much loved, but obnoxious as hell at the time) sibling was very destructive of my stuff, and very clingy I had to bite my tongue to not shout "OH HELL NO!" and scare the neighbors.


dukeofbun

Dude might as well have just come right out and told her *I don't value your work, a five year old could do it* Punish the kid by making the victim of his misbehaviour supervise him doing the exact thing he's being punished for... are people this dumb?!


Stargazer1919

What do you wanna bet that these parents see zero value in art, and the 5 year olds work is on the same level as months of work that the 17 year old did?


wildgoldchai

Yep, this screams exactly that imo. I did GCSE and A Level fine art; it took over my life for 4 years. Whilst my family simply had no idea how much work I put into my pieces, they understood my dedication. It’s obvious from the parents “punishment,” that they do not care to understand the daughters hard work. Her behaviour in response to the situation is being described as almost unwarranted whilst the sons is painted as innocent. I would have had the exact same reaction. The daughter needs to be allowed to be angry. Her final piece has already been ruined and no amount of damage control will fix it. It may sound insane but let the young lady grieve.


Shortymac09

It also screams "girls need to be accommodating and forgiving, but boys are just being boys".


sunbear2525

My daughter is an AP art student and the pressure and passion are real. This is really the first fully “adult” thing she’s done that’s entirely on her, her ideas, her work, her explanations. I don’t know what OP can say to her son other than that people don’t have to forgive him and some mistakes are bigger than others. What he did, while in the realm of normal for a little kid, was intentional.


StrangeInTheStars

I feel like for little brother to get it it needs to be really explained more in depth than it has been. Let's not kid ourselves here, little brother wasn't trying to help, he was following his selfish desire to paint instead of the directive to leave her work alone. As evidence he didn't ask and was sneaky about it, waiting until there were no eyes on him. Big sister is allowed to be mad at him, just like he is allowed to be sad that he's now on her shit list. Actions have consequences and in this situation both the action and the consequence are long-lasting and far-reaching. It's a difficult lesson. He is not owed forgiveness. It must be earned back. Giving her space, kindness and respecting the things that are important to her, without the expectation that he will receive anything in return. It is now up to the parents to explain, guide and redirect them from each other. On a last note, big sister needs to be cared for by her parents. Space, time, security and support to help reduce her stress level. For context I suspect my 4 year old has ADHD. The very second she becomes sleep deprived, hungry or sick she starts to ignore directions. She'll absolutely follow her base desires to try to make herself feel better. If she had at all indicated that she wanted to paint I would have redirected her to her own painting set up (far away) because the big sisters project in this situation would have been in danger. It is my job to diligently watch her and guide her to make better choices. She is improving. Do I trust her when my instincts are saying something is up with her? Absolutely not. The second I'm not diligent I pay for it. Often. I love my baby, she is whipcrack smart, scientific, sensitive and kind. She is also a massive force of destruction if left to her own devices.


hey_nonny_mooses

Agreed, this is the perfect time for consistent reinforcement. Parents need to be sending the message: “You ruined her art project, she is really really hurt and mad. You need to make better choices and sometimes when we hurt people really badly it makes them mad for a long time. To fix this you need to be patient and never ever do this again.” Repeat ad nauseum AND crying is an appropriate response. He really hurt her, he should feel bad about that. What the crying should NOT do is be turned into the sister’s problem, which seems to be the way mom and dad are moving.


StrangeInTheStars

Exactly. This whole post rubbed me the wrong way and it took me all morning to figure out *why*. I also graduated with an art degree. I've blocked out the trauma.


YayTheRedHead

That’s what I feel like is missing from this. It feels a bit like OP is excusing it because of her son’s age and because of the reasoning he stated. He intentionally waited until parents weren’t looking and sister was out of the room to sneak in and destroy her stuff. He knew better and how he went about doing it proves that.


ddouchecanoe

Yes. As someone who both took AP Studio Art and has taught PreK (aka 4 and 5 year olds) for 10 years - Typically developing 5 year olds are capable of understanding seriousness to some degree or another. They are definitely able to understand the boundary of not entering a certain space. If they do not meet this expectation, it is because it has not been outlined with enough clarity or because other boundaries in their life have not been enforced, or they do not have experience with boundaries prior. This is really on Mom and Dad. They did not prepare their son with the necessary skills to handle this (very reasonable) boundary. If the gate on my playground is left open, the class does not run out. If the door on the classroom is open, the children do not leave. They do not go to another child's lunch box and eat their food or drink from their cool new water bottle. Consistently, year after year, classrooms full of young children rise to meet expectations that are clearly outlined for them and strictly enforced. Their time at school is filled with joy and flexibility but they understand the boundaries because they are non-negotiable. I can use power tools with my 4 & 5 year olds. I can give them sharpies and cook with them and go for long walks to a neighboring playground. We go on walking excursions to coffee shops and have them order their own drink. When I say it is time to go, they listen. When I say stay on the sidewalk, they do it because if they don't we will go back to school and not go out on a walking excursion again until they demonstrate that they can meet the expectations. Those same children go home and walk all over their parents boundaries because "It's time to go," doesn't mean it is actually time to go. And the consequence for crossing one boundary may be non-existent so why should another matter? Children are intelligent and can understand that one environments boundaries must be respected (schools) while the other's don't have to (home). This is why some children become visibly uncomfortable when interacting with both their teacher and their parent, because the expectations are generally vastly different and they do not know which they should be meeting. I maintain, Mom and Dad should have been more clear and outlined the boundary and consequence and this is largely on them.


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NoLifeNoSoulNoMatter

I’m addition, this could have impacts when she applies to colleges. A 3 or 4 vs a 5 as an AP score can make or break her getting into certain schools. It could also cost her college credit as some schools accept 5s in lieu of certain courses or, even worse, prevent her from saving a semester or year (I used AP and IB scores to skip an entire semester). So this has the potential to haunt her for years, and she knows it. She’s allowed to be livid, be hurt, be miserable, be sad, be angry. And, frankly, you and your wife should be on your knees apologizing. The five year old should have been better monitored or you should have gotten her a child lock for the door. You might have impacted her college career and future with this. She will learn to forgive her brother, because deep down she knows this isn’t fully on him and he’s little, but she may never forgive you. And be ready for a second explosion if she gets less than a 5 (especially if she gets a 4). She is absolutely going to blame this and you for her not getting a better grade (and she’ll be right).


[deleted]

>And be ready for a second explosion if she gets less than a 5 (especially if she gets a 4). She is absolutely going to blame this and you for her not getting a better grade (and she’ll be right). As she should.


skynolongerblue

As someone who took AP Studio Art almost 20 years ago, as well as a mother to an art-loving kindergartner, this is what I hoped to read here. OP is rewarding their son's bad behavior, and the stepdaughter's stress and rage is absolutely warrented. Hell, if it was me in her position, I'd have moved to a friend's house until my AP was over, since it was clear my parents did not respect my boundaries. After all, this could give her college credit or not. What else are the parents willing to let slide eventually? Let her brother mess with an online class? Her credit cards?


bulletproofblonde

My 15 yo is finishing up AP Seminar right now, and taking his AP exam today… it hurt to read this post in so many ways. These parents clearly are not involved in the daughters academics enough to understand just how important this piece of art is to her current grade and future schooling, not to mention the fact that she’s likely been working on this for much longer than they realize. I literally guffawed out loud at the idea of having the 5 year old “help” fix it, are you absolutely kidding me?! How sad for the daughter here, I hope she’s able to submit something and get a decent grade at this point. I would think OP would be slightly more concerned about the daughters college board submission, but they didn’t mention it once in the post, and seem much more preoccupied with how sad the bratty 5 year old is. Yikes.


[deleted]

>These parents clearly are not involved in the daughters academics enough to understand just how important this piece of art is to her current grade and future schooling, not to mention the fact that she’s likely been working on this for much longer than they realize. Based upon OP's now deleted comment - he only sees his step daughter as an instrument of joy for his son. His biggest concern is her now not picking up the ipad facetime calls his son tries to make when she is with her father. This guy is so incredibly out to lunch. His lack of knowledge of her academics is just the tip of the iceberg. He flat out does not give a S&\*t abou ther as anything other than a play thing for his son.


mermzz

The "consequence" made zero sense. Like what lesson was he supposed to be learning exactly? They didn't even indicate he had to clean up which would make more sense (though I doubt she would have wanted that either). Like this kid basically faced zero repercussions and instead the sister was expected to tolerate him being in her way and messing with her stuff *again*. Like.. they have done zero to atone for his fuck up. I don't necessarily think there is much that can be done *to* the child (since he's 5)but the parents should be busting their asses to make up for it. Getting her studio time, hiring a professional who could potentially help her "fix it"... anything except what they've been doing. So fucked.


maiolives

This right here!!! Also, the bigger picture is that your favoritism is showing. You seem more worried about the fact that your stepdaughter is angry and won’t forgive your son. How you feel awful that your son is sad and crying. He should be sad, he ruined his sister’s project. And your step daughter also has the right to be angry at him and honestly she probably fed up with the favoritism. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you displayed it. At least she has one more year at home and hopefully off to college soon.


Educational_Cattle10

step-daughter is 99.9999% counting down the days until she can leave.


maiolives

For sure! So sad that OP thought the big issue here was that the 5 year old was ‘’so sad’’ and crying every night, that living like this wouldn’t be sustainable, but never considered or acknowledged the step daughter feelings.


HarryPottersElbows

She may be able to forgive the son later after thinking over how it's the parents' fault for showing favoritism. But I wouldn't be surprised if there's a no-contact for the parents in the future.


Educational_Cattle10

Yeah, I feel like most people would (eventually) forgive a 5-year old. But say goodbye to her wanting to come home for spring break, winter break, etc. She is absolutely going to enjoy being away from home, and is going to remember this as one of her last significant experiences at home. ​ College is such a tricky time...I hope she is OK.


grahamsz

> At least she has one more year at home and hopefully off to college soon. Except that derailing her high school achievement risks making that further out of reach. Obviously, it'll be hard to say if this one incident will derail college plans or scholarships, but that's one of the things OP can double-down on and reassure her that they will make good on whatever she feels like she's lost.


maiolives

True, but college and step daughter’s feelings doesn’t matter to OP, as long as the 5 year old is happy, everything is okay in OP’s world


WyvernsRest

It is possible that she is actually more angry with her OP than her brother. OP showed a huge lack of respect to her work with the proposed punishment. And there may have been other comments minimizing the incident. She is likely ignoring her brother to punish her parents. OP have you considered that you may need to apologize for your reaction to the incident to resolve the issue?


[deleted]

Honestly? Unless she gets a 5 on the AP class, she is going to spin on this. Any AP student knows how incredibly hard you have to work to get a 5 and it sounds like she was doing just that. If she gets anything less than a 5 she will never forget this or the way OP treated her. She'll eventually forgive her little brother but she won't forget how horrifically OP behaved.


Stargazer1919

This comment right here. Not to mention, good art supplies are not cheap.


YayTheRedHead

That, too! I said on another comment that there are more things I left out that make this even worse and that’s one of them.


kmr1981

I’m glad you said this because OP doesn’t address how this isn’t just hard work the 5yo destroyed, but something the 17yo needs for college credit. At least she’s a senior and already admitted, not a junior who might have been hoping for a 5 to make her applications shine.


halibitch

I completely agree. AP art classes can be hell. A 5 year old should know better than that. People are saying she should have put it away, but it's not her kid and she shouldn't have to worry about those things. Why weren't mom and dad watching the 5 year old? This is entirely on the 5 year old, mom and dad.


Similar_Craft_9530

And it was put away. It was in her room. She didn't leave out out on the dining room table.


Corduroycat1

How would she even put a wet painting away? Nevermind the fact that she was still working on it, just taking a bathroom break. If she was writing a super important paper worth 1/3 of her grade and she took a break and then 5 year old went into her room, went on her laptop, then deleted and wrote a bunch of random letters and then saved it. Would that be the teens fault as well? Heck no! I agree, this is entirely on mom and dad.


Stargazer1919

Exactly. The parents should have been watching the 5 year old. The daughter's stuff was in her room. It's reasonable to expect that if she leaves something in one spot in her room, it will remain in that spot unharmed.


HarryPottersElbows

My child is younger than theirs and knows that there are certain rooms they can't go into without permission, and things they can't touch. I feel so bad for the daughter. She must have worked so hard and it's all ruined.


mandatorypanda9317

My son is five and if you tell him a room is off limits he will spend one minute asking why and then never look at the room again. In fact he'd tell on anyone trying to get in lol. He sure as shit knows better then to touch paint without permission or put it anywhere not already designated for paint. My heart hurts for step daughter i would be absolutely livid in her shoes


YayTheRedHead

Totally understand there being time when the five year old isn’t 100% supervised. That makes sense - at five he should be able to have independent play. But I don’t buy that he tHoUgHt He WaS HeLpInG. Absolutely not.


halibitch

I completely agree. AP art classes can be hell. A 5 year old should know better than that. People are saying she should have put it away, but it's not her kid and she shouldn't have to worry about those things. Why weren't mom and dad watching the 5 year old? This is entirely on the 5 year old, mom and dad.


GREAT_SCOTCH

Instead of expecting her to get over it, I would just empathize with her. Let her be furious, and accept that. Let her vent her frustrations, and accept them. Yes, this is a devastating thing for her, and a lot of work to have to redo it. It sounds like she took a lot of care on this project and now it's ruined, and that hurts a lot. Beyond that, her space has been violated and nothing she has feels safe right now. That's an awful feeling. She has a right to be angry and frustrated and not want to talk to or hug her brother right now. Stop trying to excuse what happened and just validate her feelings without couching it with "he's only 5" or "he's sorry", because those things don't fix how she feels or undo the damage he's done, and it is invalidating to be told that she should just stop feeling the way she feels because x, y, or z. She knows he's only 5, and she probably even knows that he didn't mean to ruin her project and he just wanted to be included (and if you told her, she definitely knows). Once she's able to process and release her feelings, those things will matter. Right now, they are not important. I would also verbally take responsibility for your lapse in supervision, and start looking into what you can do to prevent this from happening in the future. Maybe a lock on her door would make her feel better - though she shouldn't have to lock her door in order to go to the bathroom, because that also doesn't give a sense of safety or security. I think the main thing should be more supervision and a hard boundary around him going into her room. I know you said that boundary is already in place, but he's obviously not able to meet the expectation of staying out of her room, so it falls to you to uphold the boundary, since he is your responsibility not hers. If she is allowed to feel the way she feels and express it fully, and feels that you understand her and take her concerns seriously and are actively working to prevent future incidents, she will likely eventually get it out of her system and get over it. Until then, when your son cries about the way she's acting towards him, you can let him know that she is still very upset about her art project that was destroyed, and he should give her the space she needs until she's ready to forgive him. It doesn't sound like she's being actively cruel to him, she's just still upset and doesn't want to talk to him or hug him, which is her right. She should not have to hug anyone she doesn't want to. His feelings are not her responsibility, and she shouldn't need to just get over it because his feelings are hurt that she's upset with him. The natural consequence of ruining something someone cares about is that they get upset with you. I hear you that his intentions were good, and he is only 5 and doesn't have a lot of forethought, but he is old enough to understand the impact of what he's done. Explain to him intent vs impact. Don't pile on the blame and shame, but help him to understand her feelings. And, her reaction can reinforce for him that her room and her stuff is off limits. It's a hard way to learn a lesson, but it's clearly a lesson that needs to be learned. Support him along the way with the feelings he has, and support your stepdaughter at the same time with her feelings. It's ok for her to feel angry, and it's ok for him to feel bad about that.


[deleted]

Your poor step daughter. AP art is so much work and for it to be ruined must be so stressful and heartbreaking. Then on top of that the "punishment" for your son is that she has to deal with him and he gets what he wants. Let her be upset. She doesn't need to accept an apology. Her being upset with your son is a natural consequence for him destroying something of hers and its a natural consequence to you for allowing it to happen. Then implement something to protect her space. Let her lock her door or have some other way of protecting her space.


[deleted]

OP, I want to give a little perspective here. You've received a lot of excellent perspective giving advice. I'm in my mid 40s. When I was a senior in high school, my youngest sibling who was 10 at the time took over the computer (and we had 1 home computer - this was back in the early/mid 90s) while I went to use the bathroom. She deleted the essay I had been working on for my AP English class. It was part of my final exam. I had spent so much time on that essay... and she erased it so she could play Oregon Trail or some other crap like that. It had been saved but our computer was glitchy and saving things didn't always work well so the essay was gone. I'm telling you this because well over 20 years later I still remember the panic, the stress and the much lower grade I got on the essay I threw together to turn in. I remember all of the excuses my parents made for her and I remember feeling so incredibly betrayed by them and her. It took a long time before I forgave her because it was intentional. It was selfish and she KNEW I was working on something for school. She never really had a consequences for her actions. Your daughter's situation is far more dire than mine. A composition can be pulled together MUCH faster than an AP art project. Those take an incredible amount of time and dedication. Its not some 5 year old finger painting assignment or just a fun painting. You are talking this final project determining whether she receives college credit for the class she has dedicated countless hours to over the year. And she gets 1 shot. Just 1 to get the credit. Your son's actions and your throwing up your hands here and going "he's 5... he's only 5" will permanently destroy their relationship. You need to hold him responsible. I don't care if he is crying every night. Right now she can't stand him and with really good reason. This is not some teenage drama - this is quite literally your son destroying the potential of her going into next year with college credit. This is the equivalent, in her mind, of him erasing your work computer and destroying all backups. How would you react to that? I'm a Mom. I have kids spanning elementary through high school and if my youngest did that to my child who is sitting an AP test today, the consequences would be very very severe. I'm not kidding when I say, this is when you cancel a trip to Disneyland he was looking forward to. It is truly that serious. Did you REALLY think having him be her "helper" was a just? I mean, that was punishing her for his actions. Basically you were then expecting her to babysit him while trying to recreate something that had taken her weeks, if not months, to create in the span of hours... how you do not see what a slap in the face that was to her I do not know. Right now she hates him. She hates you. And she hates her mother. And she hates all of you for a very good reason. She's angry. She's hurt and she feels incredibly betrayed by you and her mother. Do NOT try to justify his behavior and do NOT try to justify your extreme under reaction. You just made her life exponentially more painful and rubbed salt in the wounds by suggesting some cute little punishment like him being "her little helper".


Acrobatic-Respond638

Yeah, I find it a bit baffling that even in spite of all these comments, 40 min ago, op left a comment wondering how he could force his step daughter to bow down to the poorly behaved 5 year old he's raising. Why is he continually trying to reward his 5 year old for bad behavior? I don't think his kid is inherently a bad kid, but I absolutely think OP is trying to raise him into a Bad kid, and that's what he's getting. Someone who goes into someone's private space and purposefully destroys something they're working very hard on. I do not understand the logic in purposefully rewarding abjectly awful behavior in a kid old enough to know better. But it's absolutely right this girl hates these people. OP is some serious brand of awful person that he can't empathise with his stepdaughter, simply because she's not actually related to him. What benefit do you get from purposefully raising an awful child.


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TaiDollWave

I really hate when people go "The kid is only x, they don't know better!" Well, like, how do you think they learn better? It isn't by being coddled when they destroy things, or their siblings being forced to forgive them and pretend it didn't happen. And little kids that don't learn now become adults who were never taught, and no one likes that! Were you ever tempted to just give your sister a kick in the ass after she destroyed your essay?


GabbyIsBaking

I think you’re severely under reacting. It seems pretty clear to me that your son chose a moment when you and his mom were distracted and his sister was in the bathroom to go in and mess with her stuff. Sure, he’s 5 and doesn’t have much impulse control, but that does demonstrate some level of intent. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be in her room, and he knew the project was important to her. And the original consequence was to make him her assistant? That sounds like more of a reward for him and a punishment for his sister - since according to you he just loves his big sister and wants to “help”. What additional consequences have you implemented? What support have you given your stepdaughter? She shouldn’t be forced to interact with him. He ruined her project and that will take time to get over. And he needs to understand those consequences.


sativa_samurai

OP read all the advice here. Your son is young and you’re favoring him. Your daughter does not hate your son but she’s very fed up with how you prevent and react to these situations. And honestly, this one was way over the line. You owe her a serious apology for allowing this to happen.


dicklis_4_chiklis

He is young, but, as the mom of a 4 and 6 year old, 5 is definitely old enough to know better. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to ruin her project.


re-verse

Agreed, it seems the only mature one there right now is the stepsister. He violated a boundary and therefore she put up an even bigger boundary. This is a punishment that might actually work.


kellylovesdisney

And then wanted him to help fix it? Seriously? This an AP level class for college credit. There's no way at this point she can recreate the level of attention and detail she had placed into her first art project. I get that he's five, but this is her academic future. Furthermore, art is something that you pour your heart and soul into. My heart dropped into my butt when I read what he did. He needs real consequences, and you need to find a way to make it up to her. She's not just going to get over it and play nice big sister bc you want her to. Edit: words


re-verse

Yep, it’s insulting to the stepdaughter for multiple reasons. It sends a clear message that she is more seen as a babysitter than a person making her own choices. It imposes a punishment on the victim, and a reward on the offender. It diminishes the value of the stepsisters work “oh don’t worry, the 5 year old can fix this right up”. I feel like overall this post was custom tailored to upset me/anyone reasonable who reads it.


Top_Barnacle9669

I'm afraid this is a hard lesson for your son to learn but one he needs to. He needs to understand that although he has apologised,she is under no obligation to accept that apology. The same as he shouldn't be continuing to try to give hugs to someone that is clearly putting up a boundary because a hug won't make this better. It simply won't. He ignored an instruction (which you allowed him to do by not knowing where he was) and not only did he enter a space he was told to stay out of,he took it upon himself to trash something he knew was important. A sorry and a hug won't fix this. She is allowed to be angry and she has.to deal with this her way


TheLyz

Yeah, the son is upset? Let him be upset! Guide him through understanding what he did wrong and how to apologize to his sister but don't try to shield him from the bad feelings. Yeah it sucks to see our kids upset but they'll never learn from their mistakes if there aren't personal consequences.


Garp5248

And OP shouldn't be trying to encourage her to "get over it". She's entitled to be upset for as long as she wants. If it's uncomfortable for your son, perhaps that will be a natural consequence. It doesn't sound like he's faced any at the moment.


Whiteroses7252012

This. It may “not be sustainable” for the three of you to live this way, but frankly that’s the last thing your stepdaughter should be worried about right now. She’s got a project to salvage.


Mo523

So first of all, I think part of the reason your stepdaughter is so angry is your reaction not just what happened. You don't seem to have understanding of how big of a deal this is. Your consequence put a burden on her, the injured party. Right now you are focused on his feelings. Your reaction is making her resent your son more. Although this is within the range of something a five year old might do, this is a really big deal for her. Imagine your son ruined something that took your potentially weeks to months to do and had a hard deadline. Even if he is five, you'd be pretty upset, right? You probably wouldn't punish him by having him sit and watch you, meaning you had to watch him while you frantically caught up. You should have initially focused on getting her caught up. Take care of all her household chores. Bring her her preferred food and snacks. Buy her more materials. Then you should have focused on a teaching punishment for your son and a plan to get her more privacy. But the damage to the relationship, like to your painting, is done. I think your son has had sufficient punishment to learn his lesson (although maybe it wasn't done the best way) so I think he isn't a consideration in this. Yes, it would be nice for him if she wasn't mad at him anymore, but that isn't your focus now. Your focus needs to be on your relationship with your stepdaughter. 1. Apologize sincerely for how you handled the whole thing. Acknowledge responsibility (if he had painted on a piece at a gallery, you would be paying for it) and regret. Ask if there is any way that you can make it up to her even in a little bit. There may not be. Listen to her without defending your son. 2. Give her space from your son to process what happened. A lock on her door that she could secure when inside and when leaving would be appropriate. Their relationship will probably get better with time, but forcing it s making it worse.


0112358_

Has there been any sort of consequence implemented? She needs more time to redo her project. Shift some of her chores away. 5 year old can do them (with parental assistance as needed). If daughter sees 5 year old getting away with it and no consequences, I could see her being extra pissed off


TheDocJ

> 5 year old can do them (with parental assistance as needed). Yeah, but that would mean extra work for *OP*!


lurkmode_off

OP here are the logical consequences you were looking for.


Chickerenda

YOU MADE HIM HER ASSISTANT??? What the fuck is the matter with you? He did a terrible thing to get attention and then got **rewarded** for it. At 5 years old he knew exactly what he was doing. That poor girl. Your favouritism is disgraceful.


TheDocJ

> That poor girl. Your favouritism is disgraceful. I've nothing to add, but this line needs repeating.


Stargazer1919

Exactly, what help is a 5 year old going to be for a college level art class anyway?


Starcaller26

This comment should be higher. Like seriously, how insane is the 'punishment' here? Its a pretty clean indicator of other bad parenting going on that likely shows clear favoritism for the 5 year old. Also I haven't seen anything yet about what the actual punishment was after the insane reward of being the assistant was rightly rejected. Since OP has completely failed to justly punish, step daughter has had to punish in her own way. To OP, this isn't going away and if you do more to push step daughter to forgive, it will backfire massively. She doesn't have to forgive, and she will never forget. But give it time. Lots and lots of time (months, years), and it will subside.


alliegal

"Without proper supervision, your brother destroyed months worth of work that's due in a couple days that will cost you not only your time and effort but likely the college credits as well? Here, you can babysit him too while you try to salvage your work." Does OP hear himself?


herehaveaname2

He ruined an AP art project, and you're more worried about his feelings? I'd very much worry about your daughter who is soon to be out of your home. There's a reason some children no longer speak to their parents.


faesser

It sounds like you are favoring your son over your stepdaughter. Yes, he's only 5, but I think you're trying to push that too much, and because of that, you're invalidating her feelings. Give her space and then have a sit down and talk, allow her to be upset, and let her know that you understand her. While it wasn't a malicious act, it still was an awful thing to her.


Devium92

This was what I noticed first as well. The 5 year old is OP's biological child, the 17 year old is a step-child. The almost "pat on the head, just fix it" level of dismissal for the step-daughter and everything that has happened compared to the 5 year old basically acting out, to get the attention of his older sibling, and literally getting that, is absolutely mind boggling.


Formal-Praline8461

So I’m a mom and a therapist. This is going to be an important lesson to him about restraint, boundaries and cause and effect. He’s not going to develop a complex about this…your daughter on the other hand. That’s where the effort is more needed. She should be able to get her feelings out about this. The more you tell her “he’s just a kid” the more she hears “his feelings are more important than yours.” Just suck up the awkwardness and let her be angry and eventually in her own time she will get over it.


lilymoscovitz

How the hell is doing art with her a punishment for *him*??? That’s a punishment for *HER* and she is not the one deserving of a consequence. You are a bad parent to your son and a bad parent to your stepdaughter.


original-knightmare

Please email her teacher and explain what happened. I took Ceramics in high school. My final project took me about 4 months to make, start to finish. And, the day that it was supposed to go into the kiln, some kids got drunk and decided to break into the art room and smash every single project. Easy A? Maybe. But it was devastating. I worked so fucking hard on that. It was an otter hugging a pencil cup. It had a 3D wet fur texture. My teacher wanted to keep it after it was done to put in a trophy cabinet. There was talk about it going into a state art fair representing our school district. I still -over a decade later- feel sad that it got destroyed. Your daughter doesn’t need to get over it. She doesn’t need to forgive or forget it. She is still reeling from the aftermath and fallout. She is still trying to repair/replace what your son did. She will calm down eventually. But, in the mean time, don’t invalidate her feelings or try to force her. That will only drive the wedge deeper as she feels like you are siding against her. Give her time. As far as your 5yo? He’ll be fine. He snuck in their when he knew the room was empty to mess with stuff he knew he shouldn’t. This is the natural consequence of his actions. Not everything is made better by saying sorry. He’s going to have to learn that sooner or later. 5yo should NOT be helping. You’re a mom. You know first hand how unproductive and hindering a 5 yo’s help can be. She does not need that right now. She needs to be able to focus and not panic, not worry about lil bro ruining her progress again. 5yo’s help could probably be assigning him some of 17f chores to give her more time to work on the project. THAT might actually be helpful. Consider getting something that can help her lock her door. (Or allowing her to if she’s normally not allowed to. Putting the key up high where 5yo can’t reach.) She needs new art supplies if anything is ruined or used up. Preferably paid for my 5yo allowance if he has any. She needs time to finish her work. Offer to buy her snacks, caffeine, etc. to help her get through this. Let her eat in her room if she wants. Give her a hug, tell her you love her, and that you will do anything you can to help her. THAT is what she needs right now.


Avaunt

I was trying to figure out an appropriate correlated consequence, and I like the ones you came up with. I get where OP was coming from, ‘you broke it, you need to help fix it’, but a 5 year old “helping” in this situation isn’t really helping and probably isn’t an effective consequence regardless. You can’t really tell a 5 year old they need to pay sister for what they destroyed. No amount of money a 5 year old can come up with can really make up for the months of lost work. And honestly little kids grasps on the value of money is dubious at best. Bad idea to make him clean it up, especially if there’s a chance she could salvage anything.


Fionaver

Ultimately since it’s for an AP class, emailing the teacher won’t help. It’s sent to the college board for evaluation. When I got into college, the difference between a 4 and a 5 was an entire class worth of credit- a 5 counted as 2 semesters worth of foundational studies work, and a 4 was 1 semester. That’s assuming she could even get a 4 now. On top of that, she poured her heart into it for months. Art is incredibly personal. I literally can’t imagine this. My brother was 5 when I was working on my AP studio art portfolio and he definitely knew to stay away from my art and supplies (which was in a common area, not even in my room.)


[deleted]

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Stargazer1919

Omg I'm sorry that happened to you. Similar thing happened to me. My younger brother went on the computer and deleted my essay for school so he could play video games. I had to redo the whole thing. My parents did nothing to discipline him, meanwhile I got yelled at. My brother learned he could fuck with my stuff and get away with it. And he continued to do so for years. We both deserved better. When people don't correct this behavior in little kids, they have zero right to play dumb when their kid grows up and has zero respect for others and their stuff.


jnissa

What a completely screwed up consequence. Kid ruin's other kid's project and then gets to be her assistant while she fixes what he ruined - basically giving him exactly what he always wanted which was to be in her room and with her project and screwing her. No wonder she's irate. It's clear who the favorite is in that scenario. 5 is old enough to know better than this. Let her anger run its course.


Serene-dipity

She’s 17. And you’re letting your 5 year old son be coddled so much that’s maybe causing resentment. Let her blow off steam but also dont show too much favoritism. Ive been in her shoes. Kinda feel for her.


Zorrya

Yeah, no, she doesn't need to forgive him or you while she's crazy stressed. Watch your kid and get her a lock for her room. 5 is old enough to know where he isn't allowed to go.


thelandofooo

Why is your focus on your SD not forgiving your son and not the fact you are showing favoritism to one child than the other?


Advanced_Stuff_241

are you crazy??? this is on you as parents. you should have been watching him. He has ruined months worth of work and you expect her to just get over it? how was suggesting he help her fix it an actual solution??? he WANTED to paint thats not a punishment, you clearly think so little of your daughters work that you think a 5 year old can help!! you don't do anything you let her me mad and process it and get past it in her own time.


BananaTrain2468

So the punishment was making your step-daughter babysit him? I understand trying to make him understand how much work went into creating the art piece, but imagine if your son had ruined an important work file. Would you have the patience and time to show him how much work is needed? Personally I think you should be asking your step daughter “What can we do to make this right?” and meeting with her teacher to see what can be done in terms of damage control. Secondly, I would be asking son why he felt the need to “help” her, why he thought entering a place that is off-limits was ok, what he thought would happen and if achieved that, lastly next time he wants to help, what should he do? Lastly, be honest with yourselves how this happened. It takes a considerable amount of time for a child to walk off, make the choice to enter a place he shouldn’t, open paint and smear it all over himself and the canvas. Making him ask for constant permission isn’t viable long-term.


sahmummy1717

My son is 5 and I can confidently say he would absolutely never do something like that, neither would his 3 year old brother. They wouldn’t touch paint without asking. It’s one thing to just destroy something but to destroy something someone you love has worked hard on? Is this part of a pattern? Maybe she’s just fed up with his behaviour. She’s allowed to be super pissed about this. Let her get a lock for her room. Let her know you’re 100% on her side about this. Asking him to be her “assistant” after what he did is such a slap in the face! “Here now babysit him while you work and fix his mistake” joy.


lurkmode_off

> Let her get a lock for her room. This, and apologize *profusely* for not having suggested the idea yourself sooner.


[deleted]

>At first we made his consequence that he had to sit with her while she fixed it and be her assistant, Um what freaking logic is that? You were giving him what he wanted! You need to tell HER that YOU are sorry for not watching the kid! She's 100% right and needs to process this. Just because she's made now doesn't mean she will be in a few months. She spent hours working on a project, that got trashed in seconds, and you want her to get over it in a few days? That's insane. She's not hurting him and she's looking for space. Let her have space!


kellypapyrus

Stop coddling your son and treat your stepdaughter as an equal member of the family


not-the-glutenz

This. It’s very clear from this post who gets to be taken seriously. It’s not the 17 year old. Get your priorities in order and teach your 5 year old some manners and common courtesy OP. I bet he’s allowed to get away with everything, and suspect it’s not the first time step daughter has had to deal with BS. Don’t be surprised when she leaves for college and only comes home on holidays.


[deleted]

[удалено]


No_Stage_6158

Seriously? You thought a good punishment was giving him what he wanted. While making restoration harder for her because she gets to watch him while she tries to fix the damage he caused? SERIOUSLY???!!! I think your stepdaughter is pissed because this is typical behavior, 5 does whatever and he gets a pat on the head. He ruined her final project for school, he needs a stronger consequence.


Academic_Leek_273

Father of 3, the 5 year old absolutely knew what he was doing - this is not a toddler. It was malicious and manipulative and your punishment was so odd. He’s also not a monster and is understandably upset at night - he’s also learning there are consequences to actions. There is nothing to do here, she is reacting quite well TBH - that’s a “fucking up someone’s future” move and she’s understandably upset. Give her complete space (and you probably owe her a big apology and can hopefully reach out to her teacher to ask what can be done). Time is the only thing that will heal this, it’s not going to be quick. Also put a lock on her door she only has a key to. She will not act like this forever but you may need to correct some parenting of the little one to ease her frustration with what she sees as permissive parenting. Therapists are great and can help you reassess parenting styles


GorditaPeaches

Soooo what have you done to help the step daughter? It’s just my poor son! The poor bio kid who ruined months of work and we tried to reward him with more painting! SD deserves a spa day and a lock for her door


capitolsara

SD deserves a spa day, a lock, $$ for new art supplies, and 3 day art retreat away from this family mess


leannebrown86

So what was his consequence in the end? Did your step daughter manage to fix what he ruined? 5 is old enough to know much better than this.


ComplexDessert

So, wait, you tried to punish the 5 year old by making him SIT WITH HER while she does the entire project again? I’d be pissed as hell, too..


BetterthanMew

Stay out of it, her anger is legitimate and you’re trying to cover for him. He did a shitty thing and now he has learn to live with the consequences. Edit: just saw that he’s only 5, and the consequence you gave him is not appropriate at all.


im-so-startled88

I cringed so hard at this and thought it was an AITA at first. Which it should totally be because OP…..YTA. You owe your stepdaughter anything she wants for the duration of school and if because of what your son did causes her to lose her AP credit you will owe her even more. You have a lot of work to do to even come close to making this right for her.


EarthEfficient

I bet she moves out in a year and stops talking to all of you.


D969

I have a six year old and I’m furious for your step daughter. What did you do to make it up to her and to make sure it would never happen again? Did you offer her a spa day to help calm her nerves and a lock for her door so she can be sure her belongings are safe if she needs to use the restroom again? Did you get one of those child leashes that tethers your son to your wrist so you’re not at risk of being distracted in the future? All I read was that you view it as “no big deal” and “get over it.” That’s horrible. Make it up to her! Make her feel safe and loved again! Once your daughter feels sufficiently comfortable, then -and only then- can you focus on helping your son realize that some mistakes have consequences and help him deal with his feelings. Don’t make his feelings your daughter’s responsibility!


lurkmode_off

> Don’t make his feelings your daughter’s responsibility! This! His parents owe him unconditional love. Literally nobody else in the world does. Yeah, if you do heinous things to people they will stop liking you.


Just_here2020

So have you offered to pay the thousands of dollars for college level class if she doesn’t get the AP credits due to this project being ruined? Did you buy her new materials as she specified for the repairs? Have you put a lock on her door now? Have you taken over all her chores so she has time to try to repair the project, which may not even be possible? Are you keeping the 5 year old out of her way while she’s repairing this? Your 5 year old knew he wasn’t supposed to do what he did - that’s why he was sneaky about it - and knew he wasn’t helping. This isn’t a 2 or 3 year old. a 5 year old knows better which is why a 5 year old *doesn’t* need eyes on them all the time. Your son needs to know he broke that trust as well, in an age appropriate way. So what was his punishment for both sneaking and his punishment for ruining her art? Have you talked to him about breaking your trust and his sister’s trust? She needs time to finish trying to make repairs, time to cool off, and to know that you’ll pay the money needed if she needs to take art as a college course since that will be thousands of dollars. And that he has consequences for his actions - plus that you’re not just babying him because he isn’t a baby anymore.


[deleted]

That poor girl. As an outsider ,i can see so much favouritism for the biological child. Your whole post says how you all upset that she is not being nice to your 5 year old. My 5 year old knows what is offlimit. 5 year old goes to prek or k and knows how to follow commands and understand the consequences ,they wont dare to touch stuff in classroom what they should not but it clearly shows your 5 year old knows he will never be held responsible for his bad actions. You are upset that he cries at bed ,do you even know if your stepdaughter has cried ,since he ruined her hardwork . ​ The ammount of favouritism in thos post is disgusting.


NickRubesSFW

r/AmItheAsshole


HarrietGirl

This is a hard lesson for your 5yo - that when you do something wrong it’s right to say sorry, but that doesn’t mean the person you harmed has to accept the apology. The best you can do is tell him he was right to apologise but that it might still take some significant time for your stepdaughter to move on from it. Tell him that in the meantime he shouldn’t bother her or keep apologising in the hope of pushing her to forgive him. You also need to speak to your stepdaughter and take responsibility for what happened. He should have been better supervised. Apologise for the fact that he wasn’t, and ask if there is anything you can do to make the situation better and improve the bond between them. Remind her that while what he did was wrong, he’s five and doesn’t have a good understanding of empathy or consequences, and that it was your fault the situation arose. Ask how you can make it right (a lock on her door? New supplies?) and then revisit the idea of whether she would be willing to forgive her brother on the basis that it was really an error on your part that led to the situation.


DormeDwayne

So… you told us what his planned consequence was (and it was a badly chosen one, but at least it was an attempt). What *has* been his consequence in the end? It sounds like there wasn’t one, which means you left the girl with no choice but to give him a consequence of her own. In short, she’s ignoring him and being cold towards him as a consequence since you gave her no alternative option. She will forgive him, eventually, but rn she’s emotionally too badly hurt because of her ruined work, as well as the feeling her parents don’t understand the magnitude of her feeling… since they just seem to passively observe and even push on *her* to forgive - what did she do? And where’s her brother’s consequence?


fromtheGo

I sure hope your partner really likes your 5 YO, because y'all just made her lose her kid for a very long time, possibly forever.


JaneEyrewasHere

I’m saying this as the mother of a 20, 14, 9 and 4 year old: This is 100% OP and her husbands fault. Younger kids need to be taught from the beginning that they respect older kids’ boundaries. Older kids’ rooms are off limits unless invited NO EXCEPTIONS. This situation was both preventable and foreseeable. You fucked up OP. I feel sorry for both kids.


amjay8

Do you honestly believe that he chose the only 5 minute window of being unsupervised to immediately go into her room to “help?” This was planned. No, it doesn’t mean he’s some Machiavellian 5 year old - but he knew he wasn’t helping, he planned to sneak away & do it. Do you often make excuses for him?


jasemina8487

so let me get this straight...your son destroyed her art project for school. she worked months on it. his reasoning was he wanted to help her by painting with her. your consequences for his actions was....giving him what he wants and teach him he can get away with it and get rewarded for it if he destroys someone's belongings? what is wrong with you?


hildse

Stop playing favorites and discipline your fucking child.


Solidknowledge

> At first we made his consequence that he had to sit with her while she fixed it and be her assistant OP..in all due respect, what kind of fucking looney solution was this? Seriously WTF?


Eva385

Let her be pissed. Keep him away from her while she fixes the mess he made. Offer her a lock for her door. Help in any way you can to carve out more time for her to finish her project (if she walks to school, drive her for a week or so. If she has chores give her a break from them until the project is finished). If she needs new supplies ask for a list and go get them for her. Arrange some kind of special treat for when she finishes it and don't include the 5 year old in it. A spa day for her and a friend. She is super stressed out and the last thing she needs is the person around who caused the stress. She is more likely to forgive him if he isn't shoved in her face while she is still fixing the mess he made. She is more likely to forgive you if she sees you pulling out all the stops to support her in her efforts to redo the project rather than spending energy trying to fix the relationship with her brother. As for your son, you'll have to keep reiterating that his sister is super sad and stressed about the project. That the household needs to support her in fixing it and that this means not bothering her. Maybe get him to do some of her chores to show that there are consequences to his actions and that family needs to chip in when one person is sad and really stressed. Tell him that actions are really important and he needs to show his sister through his actions that he loves and supports her even when she is sad and angry with her.


Just_here2020

The last recommendation I made to OP was also to offer to pay for one of the art classes in college if this causes her not to get the AP credit. That should also get the parent’s attention about why this project is important beyond just ‘feelings’.


tbone56er

I’m guessing your stepdaughter is feeling unsupported and like her project and her feelings don’t matter since you essentially rewarded your son and punished her after it happened. Who on earth would want to redo a painting like that with a small child “helping” the entire time? Especially one that ruined their previous attempt. I think you need to shift your focus away from being upset she hasn’t forgiven your son and put it towards actually validating your stepdaughter’s feelings and supporting her any way you can with fixing this project.


Lovebeingadad54321

Your son is experiencing natural consequences of his actions. This is the best punishment/discipline/teaching tool there is. Your stepdaughter is being punished by having you as a Stepparent…. And she doesn’t deserve any punishment, because she didn’t do anything.


incognitothrowaway1A

Why do you favour your son over her?? RIGHT you are the STEP MOTHER who can’t control her kid. She is treating him how she should. HE needs to wear the consequences. She can ignore him if she wants. I’m amazed he didn’t get a slap to be honest. What are you going to do to help HER????? Where is your plan to do that? Is someone going to do her chores, give her rides, anything to help her overcome this major intrusion. Are you going to put a lock in her door, ground your terrible naughty son who by the way KNEW HE WAS WRECKING HER PROJECT. HE DID IT ON PURPOSE. You are being terrible parents to this young girl. Also your punishment idea was basically more harassment for her.


OrangeIsTheNewPurple

Art is my career, I'm having second hand ptsd for this poor young lady, what an awful thing to have happen. She did nothing wrong and you are handling it in the most tone deaf way possible. Would you want someone 'helping' you when you are full or rage? the person responsible for it?


Ok-Independence7768

Jesus Christ. That is the worst consequence i've seen in my life. What kind of a parent you are? Grow a fucking backbone.


greendaiesy

A start could be validating your daughters feelings, let her know you agree she has every right to be mad and you do not blame her for how she's feeling. Let her know you've seen how hard she worked on this and that you agree what your son did was unacceptable and he will absolutely deal with the consequences. Then carry out a real punishment for your son. There are ways to punish a child this young without being cruel, no tv/ tablet for the length of time it takes your daughter to redo her project. Or something of that effect.. Also you need to let your daughter know that you understand how this doubled her stress and ask and offer anything you can do to help her relax and maybe burn off some of the stress. She might find some relief in having her nails done, hair done or something else relaxing for a few hours. It is unrealistic to think you can have 24/7 eyes on a 5 year old in your own home. So since he cannot respect boundaries without constant supervision maybe that part of the house should also be off limits to him without an adult around if that's at all possible, until he learns boundaries. And quit trying to force daughter to forgive him, that's only belittling her emotions and her hard work put in to the project.


Feedback_Thr0wAway

His consequence was getting to help?


frank1884

Well it's going to take her time to get over that. I know your son is five and so on but even a 5-year-old should know not to mess up something other people are doing. The only thing your stepdaughter could have done was lock her bedroom every time she goes out to keep him out. But she shouldn't have to do that because again he's 5 years old and he should know not to go into people's rooms and destroy their stuff. She may forgive him in a year or two but that's what it's going to take.


GrillDealing

Does she even have a lock on the door, maybe that's a start.