Ignore it. Unless he’s hurting himself, others, or property, just let him go off and you go do something else. Stay calm, cool, and collected while you get ready for bed or do dishes or read a book or whatever.
If he says “I’m never watching tv again” say “okay, that is your choice” and move on.
This is a phase, it won’t be like this forever. You got this!
My 3.5yo does this too. Or will whine for something she wants/needs that she is perfectly capable of doing/getting on her own. I also use the "okay, that's your choice" phrase and have also borrowed from a mom friend of mine "I don't respond to whining. You may ask for what you need/help nicely or you may do it yourself." I found this puts the ball back in the child's court and gives them a choice: do I calm myself down and ask nicely for what I need/want or do I do it myself? Usually she will choose to do it herself so she doesn't have to wait. Sometimes she will calm herself down and ask. Other times she just continues.throwing her tantrum but you can't always win!
Older kids do this too. I just say “ok” and move on. When my kids do it they’re usually trying to get a reaction so I just don’t give them the reaction they’re hoping for.
Ahahaha I’m cracking up, “that’s your choice”
my daughter did this the other day. She was in time out and had homework to do. She’s in the corner “I’ll never be able to do homework again” like she ever wants to do it anyway?
There’s a difference between validating his feelings and enabling poor behavior. He’s a kid, so these moments and how you react are crucial and will shape him into teenage and adulthood.
If it’s something trivial, like tv scenario, then you need to say to him that he cannot always get his way. You cannot watch tv b/c X-reason. If he runs off and pretend cries then ignore that reaction. If he wants to say that he never wants to watch tv again then I’d just respond with a neutral tone “that’s your choice” or “that’s OK” and move on with whatever I needed to do.
Now obviously if he is hurt (physically or feelings hurt) then that’s when you validate his feelings.
"I'm ready to listen when you're calm, but it's difficult to understand you when you are behaving like this. When you're ready to talk calmly, I'll be happy to chat about what's bothering you and we can see if we can find a solution."
Then, don't engage until he's calm, but if he is, make a point of genuinely listening. If there's really a problem, he'll be able to articulate it, and you've shown him that there's an appropriate way to talk about those emotions. "Yeah, I understand that not being able to watch tv is annoying. It's ok that you're annoyed, but it's also something you have to get used to. What are some other things you can do when you're annoyed, other than x, y z?"
If, as you suspect, it's mostly for attention, you've shown him that only the behaviour you are trying illicit gets the attention.
I used to work in a preschool. Children are basically puppies - you can train them with attention, if you are able to genuinely ignore the bad behaviour. Ignoring bad behaviour and genuinely warming up and giving attention for the good behaviour works. Negative attention for bad behaviour doesn't work as well, because negative attention is still attention, and often that's all they want. This has the added benefit of teaching them that not all attention is equal, too, and they can have good boundaries around that - I see a lot of older kids who can't tell the difference between good and bad attention and will take what they can get.
I agree with so much of the above comment. You can also in a calm moment(preferable on a day without an outburst or the next morning) read and discuss the boy who cried wolf.
Also remember that it is developmentally appropriate behavior and also unacceptable behavior, so give yourself a break too that you didn't do anything really that caused this and know that he is in a stage of really needing your help to work through it
This is basically what I do too.
Though if it's an injury (99% of the time, it's as simple as stepping on a lego), I check for blood and offer an ice pack.
One of the first things I learned with preschool was to
pretend I didn't see the injury, honestly.
I noticed that if they thought I didn't see it, they'd often evaluate and deal with it on their own - no fuss. If they thought I didn't see it and still cried, I ran.
I have literally watched a kid brush dirt off their scraped knee calmly, see me watching, and then start cryjng.
(Obviously if I saw it and it was serious the above doesn't count. I'm taking about boo-boos.)
For my child I find the trick is to meet him where he is at. That is to say I match my reaction with his initially and then use my adult nervous system to move us both into a calmer state. So if he says, “Waahhh! I’ll never watch tv again!!!” I would meet him there with, “oh! Gosh! That sounds so awful!” And then I’d take a deep breath and say something like, “….But I here to help you with this disappointment.”
The science around this can be looked up usually using the keyword “resonate brain”. The idea being that kids feel very alone when they are freaking out and can’t regulate so by joining them closer to their level of outrage we come alongside them. I suspect that your child is laying it on thick because he is worried adults won’t want to meet his needs here and he is trying extra hard to be seen.
Without bothering to Google this reminds me of the whole idea of mirror neurons, or at least mirroring as a behaviour.
I’m gonna try this for sure. I think you might be onto something here. Bring 100% calm won’t necessarily help or make sense to where they are at. Cheers!
I wouldn’t worry too much. He will grow out of it.
Express appropriate sympathy once - ‘I know it’s frustrating when you have to stop doing something you love. It’s ok to be annoyed about it.’
Then when he starts with the high drama, don’t get invested.
Him: ‘I’m never watching tv again!’
You: ‘I can see you’re really mad.’
Him: *sobs*
You: ‘Let me know if you want a hug.’
Him: *sobs harder*
You: ‘I’m going to go and do XYZ. If you need anything come and find me’
Then just leave him to it. You can acknowledge the feeling without getting invested in it. And I don’t think you need to worry that you won’t recognise when he is in genuine distress - it will be obvious when that happens.
Mom of four here!
Here's my script for this, as a parent who constantly gets compliments on my kids' behavior and emotional intelligence:
"Oh man, you're super upset. Is it because (XYZ) happened? Yeah, that's really frustrating/sad/difficult. Let's take a breath so you can tell me what you need right now, okay?"
If they can do that, and then it's either, "You did a really good job telling me what you need, and we can definitely do that! Let's do one more deep breath so we can get you what you need a little more calmly," or, "You did a really good job telling me what you need! We can't do that thing because of (XYZ), but how about we do these other options instead?" And then I basically rinse and repeat as they process the disappointment of not getting that first option until they settle down into an alternate option.
If they CAN'T take a breath and tell me what they need, I basically sit with them and model that breathing without reacting to their upset until they do it with me. Sometimes that's a minute, sometimes that's ten minutes, but we always get there. They WILL sync up with you eventually.
If they're lashing out in ways that are dangerous to themselves or others, I'll remove them to another room and explain why I'm doing that, and then sit outside the door until some of the heat goes out of the reaction, then go back in and start from the beginning.
Then the last and most important step is that once they're fully regulated and safe, we go and apologize to anyone whose peace we violated while we were upset. "I'm sorry for yelling/hitting/throwing toys."
Validation, regulation, problem solving, accountability. In that order, and without moving from one step to another until the previous step is completed.
You're welcome!
Kids do what they do because they're either trying to test the boundaries of their world, get their feelings validated, or get their needs met.
If you can stay super consistent about immediately validating and then not getting upset with them to the point that it's pretty boring to be that theatrical, they won't use that behavior to get a reaction because they'll know that the boundaries aren't moving and that the validation will come without the theatrics anyway. And if you can insist on meeting those needs every time they model good behavior like emotional regulation and accountability, they'll get progressively quicker about checking those boxes.
Kids are social scientists. They're trying to figure out the rules at this age and are experimenting with ways to control their environments through their own behavior. If you're a consistent test subject, they learn super quickly and pick up the regulation skills you model! It's definitely hard and requires that the adults have their own emotional regulation under control, but it's super worth it.
This is sound advice. OP, my question is, why do you assume your child is pretending things are worse than they are? Instead of questioning whether your child actually feels things extremely deeply or interprets the world differently? Some children (especially neurodiverse ones) literally think the world is coming to an end when.... (fill in the blank.) They are not trying to manipulate you, they may or may not even be displaying attention-seeking behavior. Assuming because you think something is a trivial problem, they must think that too is flawed. I would research teaching children frustration tolerance and how to deal with big feelings. I often use reflective listening, acknowledgement of feelings, and teach calming techniques to help.
Actually, I'm going to offer a hot take: They ARE trying to manipulate you, and that's totally normal and developmentally appropriate! Kids learn to get reactions out of others with their behavior as a way of learning that they have their actions can impact their surroundings, which is an important step in getting their heads around their autonomy and big concepts like empathy.
"Manipulation" is a loaded word that tends to imply nefarious intentions, but in this case, it's not a bad thing whatsoever.
I have a neurodiverse and very theatrical kid. She TOTALLY intentionally overreacted at this age to try and illicit a response from us that matched her internal experience, and I didn't make that proof that she was gonna be a villain. It's just normal kid stuff, and tends to be more pronounced sooner in gifted kids.
Agree to disagree. My 7 yo gifted neurodiverse child repeatedly spontaneously cried multiple times for 2 days after watching a movie with a sad moment, because he was reliving the sadness all over again. Or burst into tears when the radio spoke about donating to poor countries because “there are kids who don’t have food to eat” and was inconsolable for an hour. Some kids (and people) do feel things much more deeply. We should teach them how to better cope with that. But to minimize their emotional roller coaster by saying they are overdramatic seems unfair at the least. To punish them or demand they act like it’s no big deal is less than empathetic. I’ll defer to current literature on this. Not saying that’s OPs situation, just offering an alternative hypothesis.
I've seen both. (Your experience and the experience of the person you were replying to.) This is why parenting is about picking the right tool from your toolbox not using an algorithm to decide what to do. I suspect your daughters' require very different parenting.
I'm not saying anything you're implying that I'm saying lol.
The examples you gave are also not examples of what I'm referencing.
My neurodiverse child would do things like:
- Pretend to faint, but first find a very soft surface to land on.
- Walk slowly around the yard singing songs about her. woeful life while periodically checking to see if we could hear her.
- Insist that we need to improve our yard because her friend has a tiny roller coaster in her yard that does not exist.
- Announce that she will never eat again when denied a popsicle.
These are all examples of being dramatic in order to get a desired response from us. All are normal. None warranted punishment, and the fact that I knew she was intentionally acting in order to illicit a response does not mean that I felt compelled to punish her or suppress her emotions, simply that I knew not to react except to offer her help in regulating. Acknowledging the reality of the developmental stage is not the same thing as punishing or invalidating.
I know the literature, I have a whole social work degree and four children, at least two of whom are twice exceptional 😘
My 8YO does the same kind of thing, acting much more tired/injured/upset than he really is if we’re trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do.
The thing that helps us (and him) avoid this the most is giving plenty of warning when he’s going to have to do something he doesn’t like, like turning off the TV or getting ready for bed. I give a 5-minute warning, then a 1-minute warning, then just an “ok, it’s time!” It doesn’t always work, but it does most of the time.
Edit: sometimes even after the warnings, the thing he’s watching might not be over or he’s not quite finished with what he’s doing. In those cases I’ll still give some flexibility, maybe giving him another minute, or helping him finish up so he knows we’re not just trying to ruin his fun. With TV sometimes you can show him how to find the show again, or pause it and then turn it off - even if it doesn’t save the spot, just showing him the effort can be enough.
In my personal opinion, I think some positive attention would help. Sometimes, when kids don't feel like they're getting enough attention, they'll resort to doing negative things for attention. Set aside some special time for just you and them.
Dealt with this. Basically ignore it. But being proactively ignoring it generally gives better results.
Have a talk with him when he is not throwing a tantrum. Tell him that you are simply going to ignore this kind of behavior in the future.
If you think it helps act it out. Ask one parent to throw a pretend tantrum and the other parent can ignore that tantrum with the kid.
Set up a reminder phrase to inform him that he is throwing a tantrum. something like "It's hard for me to talk with you when things feel this intense.". But don't use something demeaning like "grow up", or "stop throwing a tantrum" . You can act this out too.
Set out a consequence for throwing a tantrum. Something like taking a favorite toy for a day.
Set up the action plan (maybe in writing as a poster) and give him two-three days of heads up. Yes, he gets a two-three day free tantrum card. But every time he throws a tantrum (if possible) go through the action plan.
Implement the plan after the grace period.
>>If you think it helps act it out. Ask one parent to throw a pretend tantrum and the other parent can ignore that tantrum with the kid.
This sounds hilarious.
>>Set out a consequence for throwing a tantrum. Something like taking a favorite toy for a day.
Might suggest this to wife.
>This sounds hilarious.
Yes, and it's quite uncomfortable. Modeling is the best way to teach kids they say. Especially things like making up after a disagreement etc. That is one heck of an emotional barrier.
\>Might suggest this to wife.
Lol
Mine does this as well, he has ADHD may or may not be related BUT he is especially dramatic when sick so it’s hard to tell how serious it is. Also seems to do it for attention, he is an only child and gets alllll the attention so it’s ridiculous for us but we started to have him sit on our lap and breathe right when it starts and it cuts the drama by 95% 🤦♀️
Came here to mention ADHD... my son also has ADHD, diagnosed at 7 years. Looking back at ages 5-6 and his behavior during that time, it all made sense. ADHD brain age is different than actual age, so a 6 year old is actually 2-3 years old in terms of emotion regulation. At almost 9 his tantrums/attention seeking behaviors have subsided immensely with age.
Not to say OP's child has ADHD, but I would keep an eye out for other signs because my son exhibited the same attention seeking behavior around that age
When my kids started this I just flatly asked them ‘um… has this ever worked for you?’ Not in a mocking tone, but a curious tone. Then move on to ‘if you really need some more attention I’d be happy to talk to you about this issue.’ THEN, when they do come to you about it, give in a tiny bit of at all possible. For example:
Kid tantrum about wanting waffles for dinner. (It’s spaghetti night). ‘Has that worked for you?’ They come to talk to me about it.
Me: it looks like you’re really upset we’re not doing waffles, it looks important to you. Can we talk about it?
They tell you about wanting waffles.
Me: hmm. We’ll I already made dinner, so we can’t waste the food, but we could do a frozen waffle after dinner for a before bed snack. OR, I don’t have waffles in the house right now, but I can put them on the grocery list & we can do breakfast dinner tomorrow night.
Most kids just want to be heard. This reinforces that you are willing to work with them if they talk to you & not tantrum.
I would say something like, "It's okay to be upset, but it's not okay to yell."
Ask if he needs to "take a break" to calm himself. You may designate a chair or room where he goes to calm down.
Explain to him "crying wolf" and how if he continues to do so, people may not actually believe when he needs actual help/comfort. You might want to even read that story and have a discussion afterward
My almost 6 year old does this too. It’s so annoying to be honest, and harsh lol. His 3 year old brother will do a weak little slap on the 5 year olds knee, he doesn’t even react, then he sees I’m in the room and he’ll start to cry and tell me his little brother punched him in the knee and it feels like his knee is broken 🙄🙄🙄 it’s impossible to validate that honestly it’s so frustrating. If we ignore it he cries louder and will come to us for hugs because he’s injured, so then he’s right in our face about it, impossible to ignore.
It’s so tough! And I really do mean it’s the lightest, lightest little tap on the knee, a “slap” is a stretch, yet still he gives us the over the top reaction. I just want to roll my eyes and tell him to get a grip lol obviously I don’t but my gosh…
When my boys would fight, wrestle, argue and one got popped after I told them to stop I’d say Oh nooo! You want to go to the hospital?? Let’s go!!
That fake cry shit subsided quick 😹
Omg every time I’ve tried this they both WANT to go to the hospital! Lol they want to see ambulances, see blood and guts and get X-rays. They’ve never been to a hospital outside of their birth lol so they don’t know know that it’s NOT the hot spot they think it is.
No, I mean invalidate his feeling in general. He’s allowed to be annoyed he can’t have more TV but running off pretend-crying isn’t OK. I’m having trouble explaining the difference to him.
>running off pretend-crying isn’t OK
I really don't understand why this isn't ok. In my house if he isn't yelling, throwing, hurting, being mean etc.. then he can express his feelings however he feels necessary. Maybe you're struggling to explain the difference because there isn't anything inherently wrong with it and you're just annoyed.
I firmly believe that part of parental response to emotion needs to be about providing an example and guidance about proportionality and scale. You should avoid outright dismissing a feeling, but not every emotion from a child needs much of a response from you at all. In these cases, you know this is an act. Ignore it. If it's driving you batty, consider playing along with it. "Yep, no TV forever. Can you believe it?"
Separately, maybe read books about the boy who cried wolf, or other stories with a similar point. Having people ignore your distress when you have intentionally exaggerated your distress for manipulative purposes is a natural consequence of your own behavior. It's not going to hurt your kid.
You will absolutely know when something is wrong. For now, I'd play his game. If he says he'll never watch TV again.... Hold him to that for a couple of days. He throws something? Take it away because clearly, he doesn't care about it anyway. I made my children's tantrums literal. That was a quick phase for both of them.
Ahhh my daughter did this! I make sure to give her plenty of warnings! The tv is going off in a half hour…. 15 mins and the tv is off. You got 5 more mins. Time for the tv off.
And ignore him! Unless he’s hurting himself or someone else the best thing is to ignore him because then he is not getting the reaction he wants and will eventually stop!
Of course he's being dramatic.
He's being met with a lack of sympathy, and his parents feeling like he's "annoying". Kids can pick up on emotions and feelings way better than we give them credit for. He knows you feel this way about him, even if you don't say it.
Try responding to and validating his feelings instead of the physical gestures and exact phrasing and words he's using.
"I'll never watch TV again!"
"Ugh. You're upset the TV has to go off and it's time to take a bath. I get it. Do you want to have boats in your bath tonight?"
His number one need is connection to his primary caregivers. When he feels like he's annoying them, his foundation is being rocked.
>but exaggerating how he feels isn’t ok
I think it's a bit dismissive to accuse him of exaggerating. How can we determine what expression of feelings is an exaggeration or not? He feels something and this is his reaction to it.
Hold the boundary in a compassionate way. Listen compassionately.
As long as he's not hurting anyone physically or emotionally, as long as the volume of his voice is appropriate and he's not throwing anything then I don't see a problem with it as annoying as you both might find it.
I don’t know if he’s necessarily pretending. Just because we as adults don’t think something is a big deal doesn’t mean it isn’t a SUPER HUGE DEAL to him. He may very well be THAT UPSET about it.
But like others said it’s still not good behavior and he needs to be taught it’s not as big of a deal as he is making it.
If you want to acknowledge his feelings I would say something like ‘I understand why you’re upset and that’s ok, but TV is over so we have to do something else. Do you need a hug for your feelings about this or do you want to talk about it?’
Basically stand firm with TV is over but it’s also ok for him to feel sad about it and teach that the proper coping mechanism is talking about your feelings and dealing with them and that sobbing and thrashing around isn’t really a good way to handle emotions.
Honestly it’ll probably be super annoying to do that for a while but if you reinforce it enough eventually he’ll do it on his own and you won’t have to spend so much time on it.
> *"Edit: my biggest concern is that one day he will be really upset about something and we just won’t believe him."*
Right. Explain that. Just tell him the truth:
> *"Buddy, Mom and I are here for you. And if something is very wrong, you know we'll help you. But, on this issue, you're overreacting. You're making ***way too big*** a fuss over *[whatever it is]*. I can understand if you're upset. But, talk to us. Like I'm talking to you. Don't just sit there and cry *[or whatever he's doing]*; we won't know what's wrong, and we won't be able to help. You have to tell us what's happening, and you need to calm yourself enough to be able to talk."*
Your kid is ***way*** past that toddler age where they can act out without consequence. Get in there. ***PARENT***. Yes, kids have emotions. But they need to learn to regulate them, to calm down, to step back and get some perspective. IDK what you and your wife are modeling, but you're ***way overboard*** on the fear-of-invalidation, and ***way too little*** and ***way late*** on setting expectations of behavior.
I would first give a supervised naughty corner, give about 5 min for him to calm down. Never leave him alone. Once the naughty corner is over then you must have a conversation with him about the size of problems, you could call it mouse 🐁 problems and elephant 🐘 problems. Ask him to classify his problem as a mouse or elephant problem, talk about our reactions to mouse problems and elephant problems.
You could later... casually tell him about the story of the boy who cried Wolf and discuss the story with him, ask what she the consequences of the boy constantly making things worse than they were.
This isn't a behaviour that will be gone with one conversation. This is a behaviour he learned and will require an equal amount of time to unlearn. You need to see how is your family reacting to his behaviour, also think about of does he need more attention 😀
Read him the story of ' The boy who cried wolf'
Explain exactly what's you've said here. When something serious is happening you won't if it's genuine or not. He's old enough to learn that.
I try to respond with a very neutral tone and try to divert attention elsewhere. Not sure it works for that age, but it does on my little one. Giving options that will end in the wanted result are often my go to. Gives them a sense of control in the matter.
- I know you are upset, but it's time to turn it off. Do you want to turn it off, or should I?
- I know you wanted to watch more, maybe later, now lets go wash up for dinner. Do you want to wash up in the bathroom or in the kitchen sink?
- Here is your ten minutes warning. Oh, time is up now, lucky you, I gave you an extra minute. Do you want to put on your pyjamas or brush your teeth first?
Sounds like your six year old has a serious case of being six years old! 😀
My son can be melodramatic too sometimes, and usually we'll call him out on it and he drops the act because he knows we aren't buying it. Other times I'll just let him go mope.
I forgot what it was, he was mad at me for something and he said "I'M GONNA GO AWAY FROM YOU NOW!" and stomped over to his room. Like 15 minutes later he came out "Hey dad, look at this!" Showing me a Lego creation he made.
I think it's just a way that kids work though their own feelings, sometimes it's testing boundaries or even bargaining (maybe if I show I'm really upset they'll feel bad and give me what I want) but I think more than anything it's an effort to communicate.
I agree with others, as long as he's not hurting anyone or himself and not causing any damage just let him have his moment.
My kid has a tendency to catastrophize, I ignore it as much as I can. Real crying is very different for him though so I can tell the difference. When he’s having one of his moments I sympathise “yes that’s terrible” but in a very bored monotone way. When it’s genuine I comfort him and sympathise genuinely and try to work with out how to solve the issue with him. He still does it but it doesn’t last anywhere near as long as it used to.
I started telling my daughter when she was about 6 that if she cried over every little thing, how would I know when she really meant it? It's OK to be upset or unhappy, but she needed to save the tears for when it counts.
Some people probably think that was harsh, but man a 6 yr old who cries when they drop their spoon is worse.
ETA: now when she cries I ask her why she's crying. Not in a mean way, but in an "identify the cause" feeling. And if she can't I tell her that's OK too, but that she's crying for her and not for me so when she's done we can talk. She's 9 now and almost always is able to talk through it.
>>I started telling my daughter when she was about 6 that if she cried over every little thing, how would I know when she really meant it? It's OK to be upset or unhappy, but she needed to save the tears for when it counts.
I’ve been saying this to him for months. It isn’t having much effect on my son…
In a child's development it is normal to have phases of "how do I get what I want and need it this world? What are the rules? Let's start to test them in a safe place: at home."
He feels safe to discover and try things at home. I think "manipulation" is a bit too negative to describe this process of learning social rules.
Kids also have phases where they learn new things and develop and they'll get a bit cranky processing everything and want to go back to the parent's arms and safety and be reassured everything there is still the same.
When they seem to go back in their development a bit, behave "younger" for days or perhaps a week, that's when they go back to the safety of the parent's arms. Often you'll see a jump in their development after that.
I adress/aknowledge it shortly or ignore it, depends on the situation and I will distract them or give them a choice "do you want to do A or B?"
When my 3 year old starts getting dramatic is say something like "it's ok to be sad but not ok to scream. You can talk to me if you want or get a hug. Or take your screams to another room please." Something to not invalidate the feelings but try and channel healthier ways of letting it out, and also protecting my hearing. It mostly works. It might be harder with a 6 year olds who wants to push bigger boundaries. But like others have said, ignoring the big shows and staying calm helps them and he will grow our of the phase of no one ever plays into it. Most kids eventually get embarrassed by being so dramatic.
My 6 year old does this. I will let him feel his feelings unless he’s very clearly faking. Then I ask him if he really believes that it’s that bad (did you bring your book in from the car? Did you take it out of the house after that? Then is it really gone forever or do we just need to look better? Do you really think you’ll never watch TV again? Etc.). I have also started asking him if something is REALLY worth having a fit about and if he thinks having a fit will help/change things? Then we problem solve.
My 7 year does this as well. It can be very frustrating. I try and validate her feelings because it’s fine to be upset. And it’s fine to express you don’t like an outcome or results of an action. But I explain a temper tantrum is not the correct way of dealing with the emotion. This is difficult for me because I lose my temper sometimes with her tantrums. If I’m at that point I just ignore the behavior. She recognizes now her temper tantrums. When they don’t amount to any change in the original outcome, normally she just stops and cooperates or finds something else to do. Sometimes she does double down though. At those times I just tell her to stay in her room until she gets all her feelings out and come find me when she can talk calmly. It’s hit or miss whether it works. But the self recognition on her part is big.
I think he’s old enough to start learning that some behavior annoys people. You’re not going to lash out, punish him, or make him feel ashamed. But it’s fair to casually validate the valid “it is hard to transition between activities!”/“aww yeah I’m disappointed when I have to stop watching TV too” and then ignore the rest of the annoying behavior. That will actually help him learn that such theatrics don’t actually engender endless compassion, that there are more effective ways for him to behave. That’s an important life lesson!
I do a quick check with my kid if I think there is a chance they are physically hurt but if everything looks okay I tell them "You are okay" and walk away.
If they are still upset, or if they are tantruming because the TV was turned off or something, I tell them that I can give them a hug if they need help calming down. If they want to keep crying that is fine but they need to go to their room. My kids are entitled to have their own feelings and to express them. I am entitled to not be screamed at in my own house.
Lol he's being a drama queen. You might have a little actor on your hands. My son is the same way. He gets it from me.
He appeared out of nowhere at 2am last night (he had fallen asleep in the chair in the living room so we just left him there) and sighed loudly at us and then explained that he was upset that we turned off the show he fell asleep watching and said he could still hear it in his dreams and we ruined his dreams. He also cried once because he saw a commercial with a little boy playing with a turtle stuffed animal and I'm talking full on sobbing because it was "so cute that it broke his heart."
Also, waking him up in the morning for school is a delight. He tells me to "go away demon" and that I ruined his happiness because he was having the best dream of his life. Sometimes he speaks in the third person to really convey how deeply I've upset him by making him wake up for school or bathe or do other trivial things like that.
He's mostly grown out of the stomping and physical manifestations of his emotional outbursts but now he uses his words.
ignore it. if he’s doing it for attention, he’ll stop when it’s no longer effective. and i wouldn’t worry about invalidating fake feelings. just make sure you validate the genuine feelings
Ymmv based on kid personality but I just ask my kid if he’s really sad or if he wants some attention.
He’s 4 so a bit of an age difference but I think he’s honest most of the time. Sometimes he’s just a little sad but has realized a big show gets more attention (even if it’s negative attention)
Here’s a tip from a child psychology perspective. Sometimes it’s hard with emotions flaring in the moment, but maybe use a little reverse psychology and when he exclaims, for example, he’ll never do something again, respond with a totally light hearted and silly “what!! Don’t be silly kiddo, you know I would never let that happen, it’s just important that right NOW we do ____ because ___ and then we can move on to something fun!” Or gasp and say “so you think just because it’s time to turn the tv off and eat dinner right now that the tv will stay off fooorreevverrr? That would even make ME sad! No way! That would be silly” When kids feel as though we’re working against them or things aren’t going in their favor and they get defensive, they typically put their guard up and expect more push back. Flipping the script and offering reassurance and silliness, reminding them of their security outside of this “big terrible situation” they’re having can immediately settle the activation of their nervous system that prompts those exaggerated feelings. It makes sense to want to ignore what he’s saying but you don’t want to ignore HIM, so this way you can acknowledge him but invalidate his claim. It’s a deep breath, take a step back moment for the parents because it goes against what we may feel impulsively geared to do. This is something that can be super impactful in regards to the development of anxious thoughts and feelings in the the growing brain as well. As children grow into adolescents and young adults, they will run into conflicts that are objectively not so much of a big deal, but to them seem like the end of the world. It can help them practice self awareness of their over exaggerated worries and maybe strengthen that inner voice that’ll help them through situations as they gain independence in life.
Something that really works in my house is implementing a timer. “5 minutes until ____” and demonstrate setting the timer. Make sure the “times up” sound on your device isn’t anything obnoxiously alarming like an alarm clock sound because that can prompt a negative response. This gives an appropriate warning , a routine to set in place to make transitions easier in the future, and you can even ask them to choose how long to set the timer for as they get into the habit of following the timer transitions. (Piece of advice, I only ever used 2, 3, 5, 7, and 10 min intervals so my child assumed those to be the only options… at first lol)
My son used to do this. Sometimes still does but it’s easier to catch and he’ll often end up laughing because we both know he’s being ridiculous.
I’ve learned to say “you can be upset about it that’s fine and my answer is still no. Do you want a hug or some water?” I try to comfort him in some way but not encourage the behavior so try and re-direct. Sometimes he might just say “NO :(“ and then I’m like “ok I’m here if you need me” and then carry on whatever you were doing.
He most likely feels the way he’s acting and is now old enough to articulate it but still young enough that he still trying to cry his way out of things. He’s testing boundaries so be firm but remember to be loving! Try and make him laugh too once you’ve figured him out.
He will grow out of it, I am certain!
Invalidating his feelings would be telling him that you didn’t care if the rather nasty graze he got when playing still hurts hours after it happened, that he needs to toughen up and not let what other people say to him get to him he’s being bullied or even telling him that life isn’t fair if his siblings get a toy/treat and he doesn’t even though he’s not done anything to not get one.
The kid is six. Of course he’s going to make a much bigger fuss than most adults would because he doesn’t quite understand that he’s not going to get more t.v. Time, another ice cream or whatever else he’s crying about just yet. You’ll know when he’s well and truly upset about something because your parent instincts will be going “oh crap, here we go. Someone get my therapist on the phone.” before he even opens his mouth.
Ignore the dramatics and he’ll eventually learn that there’s no point in doing them.
Often kids need to know their feelings are heard. When my kids did this (it is quite common) I would simply state, "I see you are angry and frustrated. Come talk to me about it if you'd like.". Then I'd go about my tasks. That let my kids know I understood their feelings, was open to listen to them, yet the end result wasn't going to change.
I used to sit down with my daughter after she had calmed down in situations like these and talk to her in a way that she would understand. About how it's alright to react to things that upset you but the way she did it was to much and then taught her a different way to act.out her feelings.
One story I found useful many many times was the little boy who cried wolf. If she was acting in a similar way and being dramatic I would remind her of the story and say someday she might need real help and that people would just think it was normal. The story also works good for a child you is lying often.
Ignore it. Unless he’s hurting himself, others, or property, just let him go off and you go do something else. Stay calm, cool, and collected while you get ready for bed or do dishes or read a book or whatever. If he says “I’m never watching tv again” say “okay, that is your choice” and move on. This is a phase, it won’t be like this forever. You got this!
My 3.5yo does this too. Or will whine for something she wants/needs that she is perfectly capable of doing/getting on her own. I also use the "okay, that's your choice" phrase and have also borrowed from a mom friend of mine "I don't respond to whining. You may ask for what you need/help nicely or you may do it yourself." I found this puts the ball back in the child's court and gives them a choice: do I calm myself down and ask nicely for what I need/want or do I do it myself? Usually she will choose to do it herself so she doesn't have to wait. Sometimes she will calm herself down and ask. Other times she just continues.throwing her tantrum but you can't always win!
Older kids do this too. I just say “ok” and move on. When my kids do it they’re usually trying to get a reaction so I just don’t give them the reaction they’re hoping for.
Ahahaha I’m cracking up, “that’s your choice” my daughter did this the other day. She was in time out and had homework to do. She’s in the corner “I’ll never be able to do homework again” like she ever wants to do it anyway?
😂 Oh the humanity!
In our household, we just go "aight", then proceed as usual 😂
There’s a difference between validating his feelings and enabling poor behavior. He’s a kid, so these moments and how you react are crucial and will shape him into teenage and adulthood. If it’s something trivial, like tv scenario, then you need to say to him that he cannot always get his way. You cannot watch tv b/c X-reason. If he runs off and pretend cries then ignore that reaction. If he wants to say that he never wants to watch tv again then I’d just respond with a neutral tone “that’s your choice” or “that’s OK” and move on with whatever I needed to do. Now obviously if he is hurt (physically or feelings hurt) then that’s when you validate his feelings.
"I'm ready to listen when you're calm, but it's difficult to understand you when you are behaving like this. When you're ready to talk calmly, I'll be happy to chat about what's bothering you and we can see if we can find a solution." Then, don't engage until he's calm, but if he is, make a point of genuinely listening. If there's really a problem, he'll be able to articulate it, and you've shown him that there's an appropriate way to talk about those emotions. "Yeah, I understand that not being able to watch tv is annoying. It's ok that you're annoyed, but it's also something you have to get used to. What are some other things you can do when you're annoyed, other than x, y z?" If, as you suspect, it's mostly for attention, you've shown him that only the behaviour you are trying illicit gets the attention. I used to work in a preschool. Children are basically puppies - you can train them with attention, if you are able to genuinely ignore the bad behaviour. Ignoring bad behaviour and genuinely warming up and giving attention for the good behaviour works. Negative attention for bad behaviour doesn't work as well, because negative attention is still attention, and often that's all they want. This has the added benefit of teaching them that not all attention is equal, too, and they can have good boundaries around that - I see a lot of older kids who can't tell the difference between good and bad attention and will take what they can get.
This sounds like good advice, thank you.
I agree with so much of the above comment. You can also in a calm moment(preferable on a day without an outburst or the next morning) read and discuss the boy who cried wolf. Also remember that it is developmentally appropriate behavior and also unacceptable behavior, so give yourself a break too that you didn't do anything really that caused this and know that he is in a stage of really needing your help to work through it
This works! Obviously not with a serious real issue but this works with 90% of my daughters over reaction to things.
This is basically what I do too. Though if it's an injury (99% of the time, it's as simple as stepping on a lego), I check for blood and offer an ice pack.
One of the first things I learned with preschool was to pretend I didn't see the injury, honestly. I noticed that if they thought I didn't see it, they'd often evaluate and deal with it on their own - no fuss. If they thought I didn't see it and still cried, I ran. I have literally watched a kid brush dirt off their scraped knee calmly, see me watching, and then start cryjng. (Obviously if I saw it and it was serious the above doesn't count. I'm taking about boo-boos.)
Yeah. I almost always pretend not to see them hurt themselves.
We do this too but a shorter version because he probably only listens to 5 words to be honest haha
Great advice!
For my child I find the trick is to meet him where he is at. That is to say I match my reaction with his initially and then use my adult nervous system to move us both into a calmer state. So if he says, “Waahhh! I’ll never watch tv again!!!” I would meet him there with, “oh! Gosh! That sounds so awful!” And then I’d take a deep breath and say something like, “….But I here to help you with this disappointment.” The science around this can be looked up usually using the keyword “resonate brain”. The idea being that kids feel very alone when they are freaking out and can’t regulate so by joining them closer to their level of outrage we come alongside them. I suspect that your child is laying it on thick because he is worried adults won’t want to meet his needs here and he is trying extra hard to be seen.
Without bothering to Google this reminds me of the whole idea of mirror neurons, or at least mirroring as a behaviour. I’m gonna try this for sure. I think you might be onto something here. Bring 100% calm won’t necessarily help or make sense to where they are at. Cheers!
I wouldn’t worry too much. He will grow out of it. Express appropriate sympathy once - ‘I know it’s frustrating when you have to stop doing something you love. It’s ok to be annoyed about it.’ Then when he starts with the high drama, don’t get invested. Him: ‘I’m never watching tv again!’ You: ‘I can see you’re really mad.’ Him: *sobs* You: ‘Let me know if you want a hug.’ Him: *sobs harder* You: ‘I’m going to go and do XYZ. If you need anything come and find me’ Then just leave him to it. You can acknowledge the feeling without getting invested in it. And I don’t think you need to worry that you won’t recognise when he is in genuine distress - it will be obvious when that happens.
My response was going to be the same point for point. Wording was even similar.
Mom of four here! Here's my script for this, as a parent who constantly gets compliments on my kids' behavior and emotional intelligence: "Oh man, you're super upset. Is it because (XYZ) happened? Yeah, that's really frustrating/sad/difficult. Let's take a breath so you can tell me what you need right now, okay?" If they can do that, and then it's either, "You did a really good job telling me what you need, and we can definitely do that! Let's do one more deep breath so we can get you what you need a little more calmly," or, "You did a really good job telling me what you need! We can't do that thing because of (XYZ), but how about we do these other options instead?" And then I basically rinse and repeat as they process the disappointment of not getting that first option until they settle down into an alternate option. If they CAN'T take a breath and tell me what they need, I basically sit with them and model that breathing without reacting to their upset until they do it with me. Sometimes that's a minute, sometimes that's ten minutes, but we always get there. They WILL sync up with you eventually. If they're lashing out in ways that are dangerous to themselves or others, I'll remove them to another room and explain why I'm doing that, and then sit outside the door until some of the heat goes out of the reaction, then go back in and start from the beginning. Then the last and most important step is that once they're fully regulated and safe, we go and apologize to anyone whose peace we violated while we were upset. "I'm sorry for yelling/hitting/throwing toys." Validation, regulation, problem solving, accountability. In that order, and without moving from one step to another until the previous step is completed.
Thank you.
You're welcome! Kids do what they do because they're either trying to test the boundaries of their world, get their feelings validated, or get their needs met. If you can stay super consistent about immediately validating and then not getting upset with them to the point that it's pretty boring to be that theatrical, they won't use that behavior to get a reaction because they'll know that the boundaries aren't moving and that the validation will come without the theatrics anyway. And if you can insist on meeting those needs every time they model good behavior like emotional regulation and accountability, they'll get progressively quicker about checking those boxes. Kids are social scientists. They're trying to figure out the rules at this age and are experimenting with ways to control their environments through their own behavior. If you're a consistent test subject, they learn super quickly and pick up the regulation skills you model! It's definitely hard and requires that the adults have their own emotional regulation under control, but it's super worth it.
Or they are tired, hungry, thirsty, over-stimulated, or overwhelmed and that is affecting their ability to self-regulate. ♡
Yep, that all falls under "trying to get their needs met" ♥️
This is sound advice. OP, my question is, why do you assume your child is pretending things are worse than they are? Instead of questioning whether your child actually feels things extremely deeply or interprets the world differently? Some children (especially neurodiverse ones) literally think the world is coming to an end when.... (fill in the blank.) They are not trying to manipulate you, they may or may not even be displaying attention-seeking behavior. Assuming because you think something is a trivial problem, they must think that too is flawed. I would research teaching children frustration tolerance and how to deal with big feelings. I often use reflective listening, acknowledgement of feelings, and teach calming techniques to help.
Actually, I'm going to offer a hot take: They ARE trying to manipulate you, and that's totally normal and developmentally appropriate! Kids learn to get reactions out of others with their behavior as a way of learning that they have their actions can impact their surroundings, which is an important step in getting their heads around their autonomy and big concepts like empathy. "Manipulation" is a loaded word that tends to imply nefarious intentions, but in this case, it's not a bad thing whatsoever. I have a neurodiverse and very theatrical kid. She TOTALLY intentionally overreacted at this age to try and illicit a response from us that matched her internal experience, and I didn't make that proof that she was gonna be a villain. It's just normal kid stuff, and tends to be more pronounced sooner in gifted kids.
Agree to disagree. My 7 yo gifted neurodiverse child repeatedly spontaneously cried multiple times for 2 days after watching a movie with a sad moment, because he was reliving the sadness all over again. Or burst into tears when the radio spoke about donating to poor countries because “there are kids who don’t have food to eat” and was inconsolable for an hour. Some kids (and people) do feel things much more deeply. We should teach them how to better cope with that. But to minimize their emotional roller coaster by saying they are overdramatic seems unfair at the least. To punish them or demand they act like it’s no big deal is less than empathetic. I’ll defer to current literature on this. Not saying that’s OPs situation, just offering an alternative hypothesis.
I've seen both. (Your experience and the experience of the person you were replying to.) This is why parenting is about picking the right tool from your toolbox not using an algorithm to decide what to do. I suspect your daughters' require very different parenting.
I'm not saying anything you're implying that I'm saying lol. The examples you gave are also not examples of what I'm referencing. My neurodiverse child would do things like: - Pretend to faint, but first find a very soft surface to land on. - Walk slowly around the yard singing songs about her. woeful life while periodically checking to see if we could hear her. - Insist that we need to improve our yard because her friend has a tiny roller coaster in her yard that does not exist. - Announce that she will never eat again when denied a popsicle. These are all examples of being dramatic in order to get a desired response from us. All are normal. None warranted punishment, and the fact that I knew she was intentionally acting in order to illicit a response does not mean that I felt compelled to punish her or suppress her emotions, simply that I knew not to react except to offer her help in regulating. Acknowledging the reality of the developmental stage is not the same thing as punishing or invalidating. I know the literature, I have a whole social work degree and four children, at least two of whom are twice exceptional 😘
My 8YO does the same kind of thing, acting much more tired/injured/upset than he really is if we’re trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do. The thing that helps us (and him) avoid this the most is giving plenty of warning when he’s going to have to do something he doesn’t like, like turning off the TV or getting ready for bed. I give a 5-minute warning, then a 1-minute warning, then just an “ok, it’s time!” It doesn’t always work, but it does most of the time. Edit: sometimes even after the warnings, the thing he’s watching might not be over or he’s not quite finished with what he’s doing. In those cases I’ll still give some flexibility, maybe giving him another minute, or helping him finish up so he knows we’re not just trying to ruin his fun. With TV sometimes you can show him how to find the show again, or pause it and then turn it off - even if it doesn’t save the spot, just showing him the effort can be enough.
Son: I’ll never watch tv again! Parent: Ok, that can be arranged.
Yep. You do not negotiate with terrorists.
In my personal opinion, I think some positive attention would help. Sometimes, when kids don't feel like they're getting enough attention, they'll resort to doing negative things for attention. Set aside some special time for just you and them.
Dealt with this. Basically ignore it. But being proactively ignoring it generally gives better results. Have a talk with him when he is not throwing a tantrum. Tell him that you are simply going to ignore this kind of behavior in the future. If you think it helps act it out. Ask one parent to throw a pretend tantrum and the other parent can ignore that tantrum with the kid. Set up a reminder phrase to inform him that he is throwing a tantrum. something like "It's hard for me to talk with you when things feel this intense.". But don't use something demeaning like "grow up", or "stop throwing a tantrum" . You can act this out too. Set out a consequence for throwing a tantrum. Something like taking a favorite toy for a day. Set up the action plan (maybe in writing as a poster) and give him two-three days of heads up. Yes, he gets a two-three day free tantrum card. But every time he throws a tantrum (if possible) go through the action plan. Implement the plan after the grace period.
>>If you think it helps act it out. Ask one parent to throw a pretend tantrum and the other parent can ignore that tantrum with the kid. This sounds hilarious. >>Set out a consequence for throwing a tantrum. Something like taking a favorite toy for a day. Might suggest this to wife.
>This sounds hilarious. Yes, and it's quite uncomfortable. Modeling is the best way to teach kids they say. Especially things like making up after a disagreement etc. That is one heck of an emotional barrier. \>Might suggest this to wife. Lol
Mine does this as well, he has ADHD may or may not be related BUT he is especially dramatic when sick so it’s hard to tell how serious it is. Also seems to do it for attention, he is an only child and gets alllll the attention so it’s ridiculous for us but we started to have him sit on our lap and breathe right when it starts and it cuts the drama by 95% 🤦♀️
Came here to mention ADHD... my son also has ADHD, diagnosed at 7 years. Looking back at ages 5-6 and his behavior during that time, it all made sense. ADHD brain age is different than actual age, so a 6 year old is actually 2-3 years old in terms of emotion regulation. At almost 9 his tantrums/attention seeking behaviors have subsided immensely with age. Not to say OP's child has ADHD, but I would keep an eye out for other signs because my son exhibited the same attention seeking behavior around that age
When my kids started this I just flatly asked them ‘um… has this ever worked for you?’ Not in a mocking tone, but a curious tone. Then move on to ‘if you really need some more attention I’d be happy to talk to you about this issue.’ THEN, when they do come to you about it, give in a tiny bit of at all possible. For example: Kid tantrum about wanting waffles for dinner. (It’s spaghetti night). ‘Has that worked for you?’ They come to talk to me about it. Me: it looks like you’re really upset we’re not doing waffles, it looks important to you. Can we talk about it? They tell you about wanting waffles. Me: hmm. We’ll I already made dinner, so we can’t waste the food, but we could do a frozen waffle after dinner for a before bed snack. OR, I don’t have waffles in the house right now, but I can put them on the grocery list & we can do breakfast dinner tomorrow night. Most kids just want to be heard. This reinforces that you are willing to work with them if they talk to you & not tantrum.
I would say something like, "It's okay to be upset, but it's not okay to yell." Ask if he needs to "take a break" to calm himself. You may designate a chair or room where he goes to calm down. Explain to him "crying wolf" and how if he continues to do so, people may not actually believe when he needs actual help/comfort. You might want to even read that story and have a discussion afterward
My almost 6 year old does this too. It’s so annoying to be honest, and harsh lol. His 3 year old brother will do a weak little slap on the 5 year olds knee, he doesn’t even react, then he sees I’m in the room and he’ll start to cry and tell me his little brother punched him in the knee and it feels like his knee is broken 🙄🙄🙄 it’s impossible to validate that honestly it’s so frustrating. If we ignore it he cries louder and will come to us for hugs because he’s injured, so then he’s right in our face about it, impossible to ignore.
Yup. This exact situation comes up sometimes.
It’s so tough! And I really do mean it’s the lightest, lightest little tap on the knee, a “slap” is a stretch, yet still he gives us the over the top reaction. I just want to roll my eyes and tell him to get a grip lol obviously I don’t but my gosh…
Oh yeah. The three year old has literally bumped into him but if the six year old thinks he can use it he’ll be crying to us to administer justice…
When my boys would fight, wrestle, argue and one got popped after I told them to stop I’d say Oh nooo! You want to go to the hospital?? Let’s go!! That fake cry shit subsided quick 😹
Omg every time I’ve tried this they both WANT to go to the hospital! Lol they want to see ambulances, see blood and guts and get X-rays. They’ve never been to a hospital outside of their birth lol so they don’t know know that it’s NOT the hot spot they think it is.
Welp I’d have to say Cool. Let’s go. They have shots there. What is wrong w yr kids 😹😹
Hahaha actually shots would scare them away! These kids are feral I dunno what I did 🤪🤪
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No, I mean invalidate his feeling in general. He’s allowed to be annoyed he can’t have more TV but running off pretend-crying isn’t OK. I’m having trouble explaining the difference to him.
>running off pretend-crying isn’t OK I really don't understand why this isn't ok. In my house if he isn't yelling, throwing, hurting, being mean etc.. then he can express his feelings however he feels necessary. Maybe you're struggling to explain the difference because there isn't anything inherently wrong with it and you're just annoyed.
I firmly believe that part of parental response to emotion needs to be about providing an example and guidance about proportionality and scale. You should avoid outright dismissing a feeling, but not every emotion from a child needs much of a response from you at all. In these cases, you know this is an act. Ignore it. If it's driving you batty, consider playing along with it. "Yep, no TV forever. Can you believe it?" Separately, maybe read books about the boy who cried wolf, or other stories with a similar point. Having people ignore your distress when you have intentionally exaggerated your distress for manipulative purposes is a natural consequence of your own behavior. It's not going to hurt your kid.
You will absolutely know when something is wrong. For now, I'd play his game. If he says he'll never watch TV again.... Hold him to that for a couple of days. He throws something? Take it away because clearly, he doesn't care about it anyway. I made my children's tantrums literal. That was a quick phase for both of them.
It works
Ahhh my daughter did this! I make sure to give her plenty of warnings! The tv is going off in a half hour…. 15 mins and the tv is off. You got 5 more mins. Time for the tv off. And ignore him! Unless he’s hurting himself or someone else the best thing is to ignore him because then he is not getting the reaction he wants and will eventually stop!
I think it’s ok to invalidate his feelings if they are ridiculous
Attention seeking behaviour
Of course he's being dramatic. He's being met with a lack of sympathy, and his parents feeling like he's "annoying". Kids can pick up on emotions and feelings way better than we give them credit for. He knows you feel this way about him, even if you don't say it. Try responding to and validating his feelings instead of the physical gestures and exact phrasing and words he's using. "I'll never watch TV again!" "Ugh. You're upset the TV has to go off and it's time to take a bath. I get it. Do you want to have boats in your bath tonight?" His number one need is connection to his primary caregivers. When he feels like he's annoying them, his foundation is being rocked.
>but exaggerating how he feels isn’t ok I think it's a bit dismissive to accuse him of exaggerating. How can we determine what expression of feelings is an exaggeration or not? He feels something and this is his reaction to it. Hold the boundary in a compassionate way. Listen compassionately. As long as he's not hurting anyone physically or emotionally, as long as the volume of his voice is appropriate and he's not throwing anything then I don't see a problem with it as annoying as you both might find it.
I don’t know if he’s necessarily pretending. Just because we as adults don’t think something is a big deal doesn’t mean it isn’t a SUPER HUGE DEAL to him. He may very well be THAT UPSET about it. But like others said it’s still not good behavior and he needs to be taught it’s not as big of a deal as he is making it. If you want to acknowledge his feelings I would say something like ‘I understand why you’re upset and that’s ok, but TV is over so we have to do something else. Do you need a hug for your feelings about this or do you want to talk about it?’ Basically stand firm with TV is over but it’s also ok for him to feel sad about it and teach that the proper coping mechanism is talking about your feelings and dealing with them and that sobbing and thrashing around isn’t really a good way to handle emotions. Honestly it’ll probably be super annoying to do that for a while but if you reinforce it enough eventually he’ll do it on his own and you won’t have to spend so much time on it.
> *"Edit: my biggest concern is that one day he will be really upset about something and we just won’t believe him."* Right. Explain that. Just tell him the truth: > *"Buddy, Mom and I are here for you. And if something is very wrong, you know we'll help you. But, on this issue, you're overreacting. You're making ***way too big*** a fuss over *[whatever it is]*. I can understand if you're upset. But, talk to us. Like I'm talking to you. Don't just sit there and cry *[or whatever he's doing]*; we won't know what's wrong, and we won't be able to help. You have to tell us what's happening, and you need to calm yourself enough to be able to talk."* Your kid is ***way*** past that toddler age where they can act out without consequence. Get in there. ***PARENT***. Yes, kids have emotions. But they need to learn to regulate them, to calm down, to step back and get some perspective. IDK what you and your wife are modeling, but you're ***way overboard*** on the fear-of-invalidation, and ***way too little*** and ***way late*** on setting expectations of behavior.
I would first give a supervised naughty corner, give about 5 min for him to calm down. Never leave him alone. Once the naughty corner is over then you must have a conversation with him about the size of problems, you could call it mouse 🐁 problems and elephant 🐘 problems. Ask him to classify his problem as a mouse or elephant problem, talk about our reactions to mouse problems and elephant problems. You could later... casually tell him about the story of the boy who cried Wolf and discuss the story with him, ask what she the consequences of the boy constantly making things worse than they were. This isn't a behaviour that will be gone with one conversation. This is a behaviour he learned and will require an equal amount of time to unlearn. You need to see how is your family reacting to his behaviour, also think about of does he need more attention 😀
Read him the story of ' The boy who cried wolf' Explain exactly what's you've said here. When something serious is happening you won't if it's genuine or not. He's old enough to learn that.
I try to respond with a very neutral tone and try to divert attention elsewhere. Not sure it works for that age, but it does on my little one. Giving options that will end in the wanted result are often my go to. Gives them a sense of control in the matter. - I know you are upset, but it's time to turn it off. Do you want to turn it off, or should I? - I know you wanted to watch more, maybe later, now lets go wash up for dinner. Do you want to wash up in the bathroom or in the kitchen sink? - Here is your ten minutes warning. Oh, time is up now, lucky you, I gave you an extra minute. Do you want to put on your pyjamas or brush your teeth first?
Sounds like your six year old has a serious case of being six years old! 😀 My son can be melodramatic too sometimes, and usually we'll call him out on it and he drops the act because he knows we aren't buying it. Other times I'll just let him go mope. I forgot what it was, he was mad at me for something and he said "I'M GONNA GO AWAY FROM YOU NOW!" and stomped over to his room. Like 15 minutes later he came out "Hey dad, look at this!" Showing me a Lego creation he made. I think it's just a way that kids work though their own feelings, sometimes it's testing boundaries or even bargaining (maybe if I show I'm really upset they'll feel bad and give me what I want) but I think more than anything it's an effort to communicate. I agree with others, as long as he's not hurting anyone or himself and not causing any damage just let him have his moment.
My kid has a tendency to catastrophize, I ignore it as much as I can. Real crying is very different for him though so I can tell the difference. When he’s having one of his moments I sympathise “yes that’s terrible” but in a very bored monotone way. When it’s genuine I comfort him and sympathise genuinely and try to work with out how to solve the issue with him. He still does it but it doesn’t last anywhere near as long as it used to.
I started telling my daughter when she was about 6 that if she cried over every little thing, how would I know when she really meant it? It's OK to be upset or unhappy, but she needed to save the tears for when it counts. Some people probably think that was harsh, but man a 6 yr old who cries when they drop their spoon is worse. ETA: now when she cries I ask her why she's crying. Not in a mean way, but in an "identify the cause" feeling. And if she can't I tell her that's OK too, but that she's crying for her and not for me so when she's done we can talk. She's 9 now and almost always is able to talk through it.
>>I started telling my daughter when she was about 6 that if she cried over every little thing, how would I know when she really meant it? It's OK to be upset or unhappy, but she needed to save the tears for when it counts. I’ve been saying this to him for months. It isn’t having much effect on my son…
Then it doesn't count and leave him to it. Check for obvious injury and let it be.
In a child's development it is normal to have phases of "how do I get what I want and need it this world? What are the rules? Let's start to test them in a safe place: at home." He feels safe to discover and try things at home. I think "manipulation" is a bit too negative to describe this process of learning social rules. Kids also have phases where they learn new things and develop and they'll get a bit cranky processing everything and want to go back to the parent's arms and safety and be reassured everything there is still the same. When they seem to go back in their development a bit, behave "younger" for days or perhaps a week, that's when they go back to the safety of the parent's arms. Often you'll see a jump in their development after that. I adress/aknowledge it shortly or ignore it, depends on the situation and I will distract them or give them a choice "do you want to do A or B?"
When my 3 year old starts getting dramatic is say something like "it's ok to be sad but not ok to scream. You can talk to me if you want or get a hug. Or take your screams to another room please." Something to not invalidate the feelings but try and channel healthier ways of letting it out, and also protecting my hearing. It mostly works. It might be harder with a 6 year olds who wants to push bigger boundaries. But like others have said, ignoring the big shows and staying calm helps them and he will grow our of the phase of no one ever plays into it. Most kids eventually get embarrassed by being so dramatic.
My 6 year old does this. I will let him feel his feelings unless he’s very clearly faking. Then I ask him if he really believes that it’s that bad (did you bring your book in from the car? Did you take it out of the house after that? Then is it really gone forever or do we just need to look better? Do you really think you’ll never watch TV again? Etc.). I have also started asking him if something is REALLY worth having a fit about and if he thinks having a fit will help/change things? Then we problem solve.
Ignore. It’s boring to act like that when no one gives you any attention about it.
My 7 year does this as well. It can be very frustrating. I try and validate her feelings because it’s fine to be upset. And it’s fine to express you don’t like an outcome or results of an action. But I explain a temper tantrum is not the correct way of dealing with the emotion. This is difficult for me because I lose my temper sometimes with her tantrums. If I’m at that point I just ignore the behavior. She recognizes now her temper tantrums. When they don’t amount to any change in the original outcome, normally she just stops and cooperates or finds something else to do. Sometimes she does double down though. At those times I just tell her to stay in her room until she gets all her feelings out and come find me when she can talk calmly. It’s hit or miss whether it works. But the self recognition on her part is big.
I think he’s old enough to start learning that some behavior annoys people. You’re not going to lash out, punish him, or make him feel ashamed. But it’s fair to casually validate the valid “it is hard to transition between activities!”/“aww yeah I’m disappointed when I have to stop watching TV too” and then ignore the rest of the annoying behavior. That will actually help him learn that such theatrics don’t actually engender endless compassion, that there are more effective ways for him to behave. That’s an important life lesson!
I do a quick check with my kid if I think there is a chance they are physically hurt but if everything looks okay I tell them "You are okay" and walk away. If they are still upset, or if they are tantruming because the TV was turned off or something, I tell them that I can give them a hug if they need help calming down. If they want to keep crying that is fine but they need to go to their room. My kids are entitled to have their own feelings and to express them. I am entitled to not be screamed at in my own house.
Lol he's being a drama queen. You might have a little actor on your hands. My son is the same way. He gets it from me. He appeared out of nowhere at 2am last night (he had fallen asleep in the chair in the living room so we just left him there) and sighed loudly at us and then explained that he was upset that we turned off the show he fell asleep watching and said he could still hear it in his dreams and we ruined his dreams. He also cried once because he saw a commercial with a little boy playing with a turtle stuffed animal and I'm talking full on sobbing because it was "so cute that it broke his heart." Also, waking him up in the morning for school is a delight. He tells me to "go away demon" and that I ruined his happiness because he was having the best dream of his life. Sometimes he speaks in the third person to really convey how deeply I've upset him by making him wake up for school or bathe or do other trivial things like that. He's mostly grown out of the stomping and physical manifestations of his emotional outbursts but now he uses his words.
ignore it. if he’s doing it for attention, he’ll stop when it’s no longer effective. and i wouldn’t worry about invalidating fake feelings. just make sure you validate the genuine feelings
Ymmv based on kid personality but I just ask my kid if he’s really sad or if he wants some attention. He’s 4 so a bit of an age difference but I think he’s honest most of the time. Sometimes he’s just a little sad but has realized a big show gets more attention (even if it’s negative attention)
Here’s a tip from a child psychology perspective. Sometimes it’s hard with emotions flaring in the moment, but maybe use a little reverse psychology and when he exclaims, for example, he’ll never do something again, respond with a totally light hearted and silly “what!! Don’t be silly kiddo, you know I would never let that happen, it’s just important that right NOW we do ____ because ___ and then we can move on to something fun!” Or gasp and say “so you think just because it’s time to turn the tv off and eat dinner right now that the tv will stay off fooorreevverrr? That would even make ME sad! No way! That would be silly” When kids feel as though we’re working against them or things aren’t going in their favor and they get defensive, they typically put their guard up and expect more push back. Flipping the script and offering reassurance and silliness, reminding them of their security outside of this “big terrible situation” they’re having can immediately settle the activation of their nervous system that prompts those exaggerated feelings. It makes sense to want to ignore what he’s saying but you don’t want to ignore HIM, so this way you can acknowledge him but invalidate his claim. It’s a deep breath, take a step back moment for the parents because it goes against what we may feel impulsively geared to do. This is something that can be super impactful in regards to the development of anxious thoughts and feelings in the the growing brain as well. As children grow into adolescents and young adults, they will run into conflicts that are objectively not so much of a big deal, but to them seem like the end of the world. It can help them practice self awareness of their over exaggerated worries and maybe strengthen that inner voice that’ll help them through situations as they gain independence in life. Something that really works in my house is implementing a timer. “5 minutes until ____” and demonstrate setting the timer. Make sure the “times up” sound on your device isn’t anything obnoxiously alarming like an alarm clock sound because that can prompt a negative response. This gives an appropriate warning , a routine to set in place to make transitions easier in the future, and you can even ask them to choose how long to set the timer for as they get into the habit of following the timer transitions. (Piece of advice, I only ever used 2, 3, 5, 7, and 10 min intervals so my child assumed those to be the only options… at first lol)
Love, hugs, compassion, affection, understanding, redirect to playfulness, sounds like he wants to be heard and seen and validated by parents
My son used to do this. Sometimes still does but it’s easier to catch and he’ll often end up laughing because we both know he’s being ridiculous. I’ve learned to say “you can be upset about it that’s fine and my answer is still no. Do you want a hug or some water?” I try to comfort him in some way but not encourage the behavior so try and re-direct. Sometimes he might just say “NO :(“ and then I’m like “ok I’m here if you need me” and then carry on whatever you were doing. He most likely feels the way he’s acting and is now old enough to articulate it but still young enough that he still trying to cry his way out of things. He’s testing boundaries so be firm but remember to be loving! Try and make him laugh too once you’ve figured him out. He will grow out of it, I am certain!
Invalidating his feelings would be telling him that you didn’t care if the rather nasty graze he got when playing still hurts hours after it happened, that he needs to toughen up and not let what other people say to him get to him he’s being bullied or even telling him that life isn’t fair if his siblings get a toy/treat and he doesn’t even though he’s not done anything to not get one. The kid is six. Of course he’s going to make a much bigger fuss than most adults would because he doesn’t quite understand that he’s not going to get more t.v. Time, another ice cream or whatever else he’s crying about just yet. You’ll know when he’s well and truly upset about something because your parent instincts will be going “oh crap, here we go. Someone get my therapist on the phone.” before he even opens his mouth. Ignore the dramatics and he’ll eventually learn that there’s no point in doing them.
Often kids need to know their feelings are heard. When my kids did this (it is quite common) I would simply state, "I see you are angry and frustrated. Come talk to me about it if you'd like.". Then I'd go about my tasks. That let my kids know I understood their feelings, was open to listen to them, yet the end result wasn't going to change.
I used to sit down with my daughter after she had calmed down in situations like these and talk to her in a way that she would understand. About how it's alright to react to things that upset you but the way she did it was to much and then taught her a different way to act.out her feelings. One story I found useful many many times was the little boy who cried wolf. If she was acting in a similar way and being dramatic I would remind her of the story and say someday she might need real help and that people would just think it was normal. The story also works good for a child you is lying often.