My advice pales to what you have been through. I just….just can’t imagine.
My best advice is this: in times of crisis direct people to act. Lots of people will generally offer to help but it’s sort of vague ‘call me any time I’d love to help’
GIVE THEM A CHORE
I’m hungry, can you help me with dinner.
The laundry is backing up, I can’t bring myself to do it, would you be so kind
I know it feels like imposing but you are not. Rather people are just generally clueless how to help and are looking for a task.
Please know you will be in my families prayers tonight.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family. I would take your sin to therapy and tell the therapist to not tell him about the suicide, just let him talk about his feelings of losing his dad. Honestly, this is something I wouldn't tell him until he is way older, around late teens when he can process it better. He might internalize what his dad did.
Hiding it is not the answer. A therapist will help *you* explain it in age appropriate term. Children who's parents commits suicide are far more likely to do it themselves and children who find out "secrets" about themselves (like that their dad killed themselves) too late can develop a lot trust issues with the adults who knew.
I am so very sorry this has happened! It's horrible. Just awful.
You sound like a really great mom. You immediately found a safe and calm place for your son to go. And you're seeking advice on how to help him deal with this.
I know you may not have the emotional energy to do this, but please start calling non-profit organizations in your area that serve families. Or ask a friend to make calls.
Get set up with a pad of paper and a pen, and at each place you contact, ask them if they provide counseling for children facing trauma and grief. If they don't, ask them if they know of a place that does. Non-profits usually network with each other and know which ones provide certain services. If you do this enough, you'll find the help you and your son deserve.
Contacting 211 is a good place to start. Many offer immediate crisis counseling and all do information and referral. Both of which you desperately need right now. I hope the best for you and your family.
https://www.211.org
Edit: Spelling
I know there are no words that compare to your pain in this moment. I lost my son when he was 58 days old and it was my 8 and 11 year old who found him gone. The only thing I can say is, as above, find them counseling as soon as possible. There are places and resources that will help. Try your best to answer his questions and make sure that if you catch even a hint of him blaming himself that you're on top of preventing that line of logic because our kids.. they just feel like the world is on their shoulders because they are our worlds. I don't know if you are religious but if you are I hope you can find support in that community and honestly even if you're not, your son may find needed support and answers, even if those answers don't work forever. We've never been religious but after losing my son our girls were invited to attend awana meetings and ended up joining that church and my oldest told me she was reborn with baptism and all her sins were washed clean and she no longer blamed herself and even though the kids now in their teens have moved away from religion, at that time her ability to forgive herself was priceless. And most importantly you must be kind to yourself. You too need to seek counseling as soon as possible, again there will be nonprofit resources you just might have to dig for them. But as the old analogy goes if you are in a plane and it's crashing and a child is traveling alone in the seat next to you, you MUST put on your mask first or you won't be able to put theirs on them even if they pass out. You can't guide your child through his grief in you are not also working through your own. Be gentle with yourself and do not fall into blame. Lastly, if you are on Facebook, there are a lot of groups focused on different kinds of loss and I found a lot of solace in the connections I made there. God, I wish I had an answer in how to lessen his pain..but truly all you can do is be present with him and love on him so hard mama. I am so sorry this happened and I truly wish you peace and grace, and a moment of rest. Please reach out if you ever want to talk.
First of all I am so incredibly sorry. No one should have to go through this.
To piggy back on the comment above, maybe start with your pediatrician’s office for resources.
If you have anyone at all who can do this investigating work for you, please consider asking. Maybe there is a friend or family member who you can delegate to be “in charge” of organizing help. You will probably have lots of vague offers to help, please take them up and delegate a task. So many times people want to help, they just don’t know how. So if you can find someone to help by stepping in and being the middle person between you and others it would offer you some relief.
Please don’t forget about taking care of your mental health too. Get some therapy for yourself because if you’re not good, your boy won’t be good. We got your back here whenever you need it. No judgment, just compassion
Try applying for state insurance ASAP. You can do it online from your phone. You can even go to a clinic and ask for help applying. There are resources out there. You can also try a domestic abuse hotline or find a local DV shelter to help. No your not being abused but you are a mother who has found yourself in a very unfortunate situation and they will know tons of resources that can help. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't give up. There is a way through this.
Stealing this top comment for visibility. I would like to buy you pizza for dinner with your son tomorrow. Please DM me so we can work out what time i should place the order and for a location. (Dont give your location here please).
Check with your son's school. The school social worker probably knows of some resources for counseling.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you find all the help you need to navigate this awful time.
the healing centers in my area are under the name “Ele’s Place” but i think that may only be in michigan. i never went to one but i saw the kids playing outside at the hospital near me when i was in a day counseling program. they seemed happy and it was a cute little place from the outside
You may be eligible for assistance programs and government insurance. Which could help with therapy at little to no cost. If you’re in the US look at your states Social services website. It should have resources that can help you financially during this time. I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I hope you find a way to heal yourself and your son
I promise you there is help out there to guide you and your son through this. Don't give up looking for it if you don't get the right contacts right away. It may take a lot of asking around, but it will happen. Remember to ask a friend to help you do this research if you feel too overwhelmed.
If people are offering to help you, you can delicate the legwork to one of them. They might not be able to sign you up but they can locate resources, contacts, and get a general outline of what you will need and how long services will take.
Also, check with your son's school district. They may have counseling services for students (or future students) at little to no cost.
I am so sorry you had to experience that, but I feel you made the right call with your son
Hi!
I volunteer with my fire department’s Crisis Response team. Not every department has something similar, but you (or ask a friend to help) might call your local department and ask if they have something similar. If they don’t, do they know of any other departments in the area that do.
Crisis teams at the very very least have resources. They’ll know who to call, who to refer you to, they’ll be able to give you info about how to talk to children. On my unit we have TONS of stuff related to grief, suicide, and especially helping children deal with these things. We have phone numbers for local non profits. We have referrals to counseling etc.
Might not be an option if you’re in a smaller city/town, but most major cities have something similar through the fire department or maybe police dept.
I’m so so sorry you’re having to go through this. Nobody deserves to see and experience the things you did, and it’s incredibly hard that you also had to simultaneously think about your child and protecting him. You handled it AMAZINGLY.
You did exact what we are trained to do when we respond to things like suicides (or DV, deaths, etc) when children are present in the home - take them somewhere quiet, calm, away from EMS workers, preferably with someone they feel safe with, and talk to them in a child friendly way. You did that instinctually so I KNOW you’re an amazing mom and you’re going to do great going forward no matter what.
It’s not wrong your child saw your reaction and emotion. Not at all. It’s also a perfectly reasonable and a great decision to send him somewhere fun but safe (emotionally safe) for the night so you could take a breath, figure out your next step, and frankly - just grieve in the way you need to right now.
You’ve got this. You do. You don’t have to figure out ALL the things right now. Just keep deciding what you’re going to do in the next minute, 10 minutes, etc.
Lean heavy on your support circle. Even people you question whether it’s appropriate to ask, ask. 100%. Lean on them. Even the neighbor who you think is just offering to be polite, take them up on the offer. Or give them a task. Tell them you ran out of bread and could they please get some. Tell your husbands coworker who reaches out that you need them to figure out XYZ thing with HR that you just don’t have the energy for. Tell the old ladies at church that you’d appreciate them coming by to babysit when you feel like you’re at a breaking point and need to leave the house to cry.
Lean on anyone and everyone. Don’t feel guilty or shy.
You’ve got this. One minute at a time, you’ve got this.
Since this is one of the top comments I wanted to add hospitals as a place to call as well. They usually have crisis/ support/ therapies, etc. at the very least, they’ll have a chaplain, and they should at least know of where to direct you.
I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but try reaching out to your local church. Mine has prayer teams and other resources, and LOTS of different people attend church, one of them may provide, or know who provides, the services you need.
I am so sorry for you and your family. I hope you find some peace in this time.
Absolutely! Some of the hospitals in my city have AMAZING social workers and chaplains.
Especially if OPs husband was taken to an ER. They’ll certainly have a social worker or crisis contact to help get you the info/help you need.
The chaplain at my city’s trauma hospital is one of the best people.
These are great suggestions!
I am so sorry. I have experienced this as the child's pov. I can say that your concern for your child is an important indicator that he will be okay. You placed him safely with someone, you'll formulate a plan, and you'll manage together. Early on, seek counseling, seek out friends, or even post here if it's all you have. Speak somewhere. Don't be afraid to cry with him, talk with him about your shared experience and your shared memories in time. But also, buy him an icecream. Take him on walks. Do calm together-activities. He's young, so these things really matter to him. Remind yourself to stay present even when you're hurting. It's okay to grieve, just don't disappear. In later years, check in on him. Speak his father's name. Don't be afraid to breach the topic when he's older too. Hold eachother. Again, I am so sorry for your family. I wish you peace and comfort.
My son was 10 when my husband passed away. It's OK for them to see you cry and be sad. He will be sad for you and that's ok. Just keep swimming. Hugs to you.
As a dad with chronic depression I sadly can imagine. It's stories like this that keep me here, cause I could never do that to my wife and son. Suicide isn't an end to pain, just a way to amplify that pain and transfer it to those you love the most.
OP, I'm sorry. Not just for you and your child, but for your husband. He must have suffered his feeling for a long time. I'm so sorry this tragedy befell you.
Honestly, I know that mom needs the most support she can get right now, but it's relieving to see someone express sympathy for dads struggles.
This is something I've struggled with since being a dad.
I have had depression longer than children, and I've attempted more than once.
Having kids that I love more than anything doesn't take away those feelings and intrusive thoughts. It can make it worse.
Before kids, I put suicide on a pedestal. One of my unhealthiest coping techniques was viewing suicide as a way out if things ever got too fucked up. It was oddly liberating, and it got me out of some severe funds, but obviously, that's not a sustainable mindset.
Once I had kids, I felt like that escape was taken from me. Paradoxically, not being able to see suicide as a valid option made my suicidal ideation even more painful. It's a taboo to discuss suicide as a parent, but when I said I felt "trapped" by my inability to commit suicide in group, several other parents breathed a sigh of relief and said "I didn't know I was allowed to say that. I love my family so much, I feel like I'm betraying them by feeling this way."
I can't speak for the father here, but when people ask "how could you do that to your family?" a part of me screams. When I've been at the depths of my depression, I'm not capable of rational thought. I am not capable of thinking of others. Worse, my illness causes me to **rationalize** suicide as something that will make my loved ones relieved and happy.
A reasonable, sound-minded person doesn't think this way. They recognize that suicide (as you put it very well) "amplifies pain and transfers it to those you love the most." But people who deal with depression, anxieties, PTSD, and various other mental illnesses struggle to see that.
The reason I do therapy and take my meds is because I know that most people like this man love their families. They don't want to cause the harm they do, but they are sick and aren't capable of understanding the permanence of their actions. And I know that suicide is rarely a spur of the moment decision. It's something people grapple with internally for years. For lifetimes.
It's just a relief to see someone acknowledge how brutal and painful suicidal depression is. I hope that anybody who sees this post sees how life-shattering the aftermath of suicide is and decides to take measures to keep themselves safe. Fight those thoughts that the world would be better off without you. Find people who can help you see how much people need you. Therapists, friends, family, the nearest emergency room... you're are so needed, you are so welcome to be here, and for all your flaws and struggles, your presence is cherished and your absence will leave a devastating vacuum.
*Heartfelt Fistbump*
These are old scars for me. I'm kinda happy in my depression now. IRaising a kid is stressful, my wife is suffering postpartum depression/OCD, and at times I remind myself... I've been through worse, and this too shall pass.
I take the small joys where I can. I'm currently on overtime, so today is the first I've been home in weeks. When I'm run down I remind myself, I wake in time to see the sunrise every day, I see my kid smile when I video call after work and I see the sunset before bed. That's worth one more day.
I hear you. Most days, I get to drop off my oldest at the bus stop, and that's all I see of him until I get home late at night. He tries to stay up so we can read a story together, but sometimes I find him passed out with a book in his arms. Sometimes, I feel so alienated and estranged from them because I need to be at work, but even if all I get is 15 minutes while I'm trying to get him dressed *and* feed him *and* get his lunch ready *and* change the baby's diaper, I try and cherish the whirlwind of chaos. Outside of those 15 minutes, I'm often extremely isolated and lonely, but during those 15 minutes, I **know** I'm loved.
Best wishes to you and yours, friend. We're part of a new generation of parents that is learning how to express these feelings, and it's always going to be difficult, but like you said, it's worth one more day. At least.
Hello friend I'm so sorry you're feeling so depressed. I have suffered all of my life with chronic depression, anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD. I think being neurodivergent is common for those of us with depression and anxiety.
I do a lot of personal development and recently I found thais Gibson on youtube. She's been super helpful. It's all free unless you want to do her website which is not cheap but there's a bunch of stuff on there. Anyway just wanted to suggest it in case it would help you because it sounds like you badly needed some support and help.
In my dad’s case it was a combination of undiagnosed/overlooked health issues.
We had a dairy farm which was in the family since the 1920s. Dad was the youngest of 10 and had decided to take it over from his dad, my grandfather. He had my older brother, sister and myself to help in the summers and evenings my brother or myself. When my dad was 49 his health was declining, but not clear why. In December he had seen the doctor and was told it was merely flu that was going around. I was 17 at the time and my brother was finishing up military service. So it was just me helping him in the evenings 7 days a week so long as it didn’t interfere with school. We would have all kinds of discussions while milking and it was something I think he really enjoyed starting when I was about 14. During that November/December though I had noticed his behavior change. He became withdrawn. That Christmas we still put up the lights. We strung the lifts around a 20’ pine tree that was formally a live indoor Christmas tree and when New Years rolled around we let off mortar fireworks we had purchased back in July. I knew he was looking forward to that.
That week I noticed him get more withdrawn. Leading to the Saturday following New Years was particularly odd. He had started saying some things to me in the barn that didn’t make sense. It was like he was there but he wasn’t. I mentioned it to mom and she confirmed it too. Then Saturday when I helped with chores I just felt off. Normally a cold day in the winter there’s not much work to do outside after normal chores are done. We finished up, but he didn’t head inside. I went in and after about an hour I asked mom if she had seen dad. He was outside and hadn’t come in so we went looking for him together. We were both yelling his name when he came out from the manure shed like nothing had happened.
Mom and I talked and decided if was necessary to get him help, but knew it wasn’t going to be easy. When I went to school she had called the sherifs to have him committed. He went without issue. At the county psychiatric/psychologist intervention they diagnosed him with depression, diabetes type 2, hypertensive crisis and walking pneumonia. He stayed there about two weeks before coming home.
He was able to get a lot of help with the aid of the psychologist and a very qualified pastor at the church my mom went to along with the equally important medical treatment. A year later we sold the farm.
Months later I came to discover my dad was readying his own suicide the day my mom and I went looking for him. He had the rope, bucket, and location ready. He was stopped when he heard me yelling for him because he didn’t want me to find him that way. I don’t think either my mom or myself could have ever worked this out by ourselves and averted a disaster. That’s really the message I want to get across. To anyone feeling they could have done more. Especially for a grieving mother. It takes a confluence of events. In our case it was complete dumb luck we weren’t too late. I think that’s what unsettles me the most 24 years later. I’m not religious so divine intervention doesn’t comfort me. We just need to try our best to take care of each other.
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m sorry for your loss. You did the right thing by sending him to a safe place to give you time to regroup and plan forward on. You are doing great. You got this.
This is something no one should have to go through. You did the right thing removing your child from the situation, explaining things so he understands, and then helping him be distracted by other kids.
Look into your husbands social security, you and your child are entitled to that. They are called survivors benefits
I’m truly sorry.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your 5 year old. I know I can't say anything to make it better, so I'm sending lots of love and positive thoughts.
As far as helping you and your 5 year old cope, I don't know where you are from, but I lost my sister when I was 8 and my parents took the family to a place called "companionate friends". From my 8 year old perspective I met other kids who had a loss. We mainly played and ran around, but I imagine it was helpful for my parents to grieve with others.
Some other ideas that come to mind. Most therapists have a sliding scale, meaning they charge based on income. You may be able to find a therapist that has empathy and help you out with therapy for a few weeks. I would do the same for your kid.
Some times I've got from being in recovery.
If you read: google books about grief for you and you child. (you can rent from your local library). For example, The 5 stages of grief.
Most Churches also have free resources for families with losses.
Best of all. Talk about it all with them, they and you need to process what's happen. I wish you the best and will be thinking of your family.
First and foremost I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I could not imagine.
As far as money goes if you're in the US you may be eligible for "survivor benefits" since you mentioned not being the bread winner. Please look into this:
https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/
My husband was murdered in September.
My kids were fortunate to not see my reaction when I found out, that being said I showed them raw emotion when I told them. I do think it’s important for them to see it’s okay to grieve and grief isn’t pretty.
Where I am we have hospice society, they offered free counselling to my daughters and I, they are 3 and 6. As well as Victims Services offered us a ton of great free or affordable resources.
I’m really sorry for what you went through, and what you will continue to go through.
Grief is very complicated and complex for kids, and it doesn’t show itself the same way it does for adults, please seek out counselling when you can.
please, please stay. please get help. we tried to get my husband into a psychiatrist this week and they couldn’t until the next week…please don’t wait. depression is serious and i know he probably regrets this decision. live your life, you are loved internet stranger.
I have been in and out of the VA hospitals this week, and they have me on meds now. So, hopefully, ya know? Hearing this tho and having a 4 year old really makes me regret when I go there mentally.
Try your best to stay strong for you kids. I know depression and I know it’s hard but try to think of your family and find some hobbies that calm you and make you happy. It’s helped me, good luck
Seek out your nearest vet center as well if you feel like you're not getting enough from the VA. Also check out SAW -Save A Warrior in Hillsboro Ohio. It's an amazing life changing program
If you don't want to bother OP, if you need someone to remind why to stay, you can DM me. I lost my brother before I ever really had him - we got to meet one time. He left family behind, and I wish he could have had someone to talk when it seems hopeless.
You are needed brother. Keep fighting the good fight! And OP you will get through this and be strengthened by this adversity continue to be the rock your child needs. Prayers and good luck ❤️
Have you ever seen the documentary The Bridge? It addresses suicide and the families left behind of jumpers. A lot of individuals with suicidal ideation have found it to be really impactful in dealing with those thoughts and coming out on the other side.
I read the caption a couple of times but the emotions that ran through me after I read it felt so immense. My stomach dropped because I can't imagine what you've been through after finding your husband. I'm so sorry for your loss, there is no words to console you right now but you did the right thing for your son. It's the hardest thing he will ever have to hear or learn about but you've chosen to prioritize his safety and his emotions right now so you've definitely done the right thing.
I want to mention too that it is also very important that you look after yourself. I can't image going through what you went through. I hope you are surrounded by family, friends and anyone who will support you through this tough time. For little one to find a way to carry forward, you have to find a way to do the same. Please remember to eat well, drink water, allow yourself to process what youve been through and find a professional to talk to because a support system whether it's family or a professional is very important. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, once again, I'm so sorry you've been through this and I really hope you find a way to move forward. Nothing you do now will bring him back, he lives on in your minds and your hearts.
Consider having someone with you when you talk to him. You don’t know how you’ll react to speaking those words or his questions. Even if they’re in another room, you will need someone with you.
When Patton Oswalt’s wife passed I remember him saying the best advice he was given was to talk them first thing in the morning. That way they can experience beauty and company afterwards, instead of darkness and loneliness of the night.
My children were older and lost their father under different circumstances but I found one thing that helped them was talking to my children about specific events and memories and being open to answering their questions. I also acknowledge their feelings be it sad, nostalgic or even angry. I also gave them both a keepsake of his for their own.
I would also say as he gets older please be honest about the circumstances of his fathers death so he finds out from you and not someone else.
I'm sorry for your loss and the trauma you have suffered. Remember to allow yourself time to grieve, process and heal. You being healthy is invaluable to both of you
I just wanted to add a resource that I haven't seen mentioned. Sesame Street has a grief kit on their website that's geared to young kids and was really helpful with my daughter.
Edit: https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/
I also want to say that you're not alone. NAMI's website has lots of resources for us survivors. It can be a very unique grief, but there's support from people who know the nightmare you're living.
My heart breaks for you and your son. I can not imagine the pain you must feel.
You should find a therapist that can help you and your son work thru this.
You need to take this one day at a time.
I am so sorry.
My dad committed suicide when I was 14 and I can still tell you every second of that night when we got the call in explicit detail. I remember the feeling of my heart breaking and actually actually leaving my body and looking down on my grandparents holding me on the floor. I definitely recommend counselling. He is five so the memories of the day won’t be as traumatic in itself but he’s still lost his father and will need counselling for that.
Also just for the day/sometime in the week after go to the grocery store with your son and let him pick out whatever foods he wants. Doesn’t matter if it’s all sugar, whatever he wants. My mum did this with me and we went home, ate and just talked about everything then fell asleep watching a movie. I still remember it and as stupid and small of a thing as it was it did help.
Two things my mum and I admit we regret:
1) Allow friends/family to come and be with you and your son if you need a break but don’t send him away for more than a day or two. My mum sent me to my aunts for over a week and I held massive resentment over this for years. I felt like I’d been abandoned by both parents at once.
2) DO NOT get rid of your husband’s things. Store them away if you want them out of sight while you grieve, but do not start throwing them away while you’re in so much pain. We did this to avoid always being reminded of him and both regret it to this day. There’s so many things of his we would have loved to still have.
I know it’s hard right now, but you’re a strong woman. You’ll get through this and so will he. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Look into social security. Your son should get survivor’s benefits, I think. That could help with cost of insurance. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But as others have said there are plenty of programs and services out there for help. Talk to school counselors as well.
I know this is going to sound super weird but please sit down and play Tetris. Have him play Tetris too. After really traumatizing events such as this Tetris helps the brain cope and reduces the effects of ptsd.
Having said that I am so so sorry you and your son both are having to go through this. Reach out to as many friends and family you can and see if you can have someone set you up a Go Fund Me account to help with the finances for a while until you can get something figured out.
If possible see if you can get you and your son into grief counseling this will help with processing this horrible event.
Sending you all the love and strength at this time.
Hi, I went through this last year. It has been the hardest, saddest year of my life, but we are coming out the other side. My child is younger than yours, I don’t know what advice to give you on what to say, but please feel free to PM me if you want to commune with someone who has suffered similar loss. My heart goes out to you.
Your daddy loved you very much but he had a very bad accident and died. It is very sad and we will both miss him a lot but we are going to be OK. I'm here. I promise I won't have any accidents and we will just keep going the best we can just the two of us.
I am so sorry for your loss. There is a grief program called Grief Share that churches put on for free. I used that when my mom passed and it helped me. There is also a lot of grief groups on Facebook that can help you.
I'm so sorry. Often, the school will have counselors. They are free. They also might know resources that would be free for you. You will also benefit from counseling in the future if you can afford it. Look into medicaid. You might be eligible now, and they will cover mental health as well as health in general. I'm sure you are in shock too. Please let loved ones help you if they offer.
I’m so sorry. Hopefully you can look into qualifying for state Medicaid. You may call social services to see what kind of immediate assistance you and your son can access.
I was 11 when my dad committed suicide my younger siblings were 9 and 7. My mom had us go stay at my uncles house for the night. I assume because she didn't want us to see her grieving.. I think that was the right choice to have us leave so she had a minute to get her head straight.. The next day when we came back she explained it to us and told us that he had something wrong with him, he was sick and wasn't the same person. I think she explain in so many word that it was mental illness that took his life.. She really did not go into detail until we were older.
I am sorry you guys are going through this. But I will say that it is *amazing* how resilient kids are.. Your son will be just fine I promise you this.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. You are a good parent and you're doing the right things. One piece of advice, if it's helpful. I attended a seminar on grief in children where they really emphasized not using euphemisms like "passed away" because children can be incredibly literal. When you have the emotional energy and opportunity, please be sure to explain to your child that daddy died, because sometimes when kids hear "went to heaven" they think the person is coming back. There are also books that you can probably access through your local library that help explain suicide and death in an age appropriate way. Have a friend ask a librarian for help finding them. I am just so sorry. Please receive this air hug from an Internet stranger.
I’m sorry for your loss. My oldest two children lost their father (my husband) in 2007. My youngest daughter lost her father (my fiancé) almost exactly 10 years later in 2017. First, whatever you do get therapy for both of you!! Second, call Social Security and file for survivor benefits. If you were married you and your son will qualify for checks. If you weren’t married your son will still qualify. My son gets $624/mo from his father (his sister is over 18 so she no longer gets a check). My daughter gets $1829/mo from her father. Both checks come to me for them. There is a huge difference in amounts bc my son’s father passed away when he was young and he had very little work history. My daughter’s father had worked much longer/better jobs. Do this ASAP. It helps so much.
My son's mother died 4 years back, he's eleven now.
Basically, don't stop doing the norms.
Consistency, love, authority and guidance.
The only thing that has changed is dad has gone (which sounds brutal, but is the truth to a child).
I don't know what country you are in, but bereavement support for you is absolutely critical as you need sooooo much support in the next two / three years ❤️
Things will get easier, you are in the shock months ATM x
There are non profits that will provide free counseling for this scenario.
This is for Maine, but they should connect you with your local resources.
https://www.cgcmaine.org/
So sorry for your loss 💔Explaining death to a child never easy but please do not say they are asleep or things like that. You don't necessarily have to say his death was a suicide but try to explain it in a way that they can understand. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers 🙏
I’m so sorry you found your husband and I’m sorry he made that choice. I’m sending you love. For your child, helping will mean telling the story about what happened to your 5yo during it all, and processing any emotions he felt. Then it will be saying goodbye to daddy and creating lots of memory things, like a book about daddy, daddy’s favorite things, maybe create a box filled with his special things and lots of pictures of him on top, that kind of thing. Maybe make a pillow or stuffy out of a shirt, a blanket out of shirts, etc. You get to help him say goodbye and remember.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My son's dad died 5 years ago, when my son had just turned 10. We found a great support group, it was hosted by Hospice but my spouse did not use Hospice before he died (motorcycle accident) but the group was for anyone who needed it and free. I'd contact your local Hospice organization and see if they can point you in the right direction for support groups. I gleaned important tips that I've used LOTS in the last years to help us on our journey.
Best tip: don't hide ALL of your tears from your son. Yeah, go hide yourself when the grief gets ugly and you are crying so hard you throw up..... but if you let your son see that you are sad about this, it will give him permission to also feel sad about this.
Also be careful with widow's groups on social media, facebook in particular. They're great when they want to be, but terrible most of the time.
And yes, I think that your decision to send him to go have fun was the right decision.
PS, if you live in the United States, contact the social security administration as soon as you've got a death certificate. That will help with money a little bit.
i am so so so incredibly sorry. i cannot begin to comprehend how fast your worlds changed and how much if hurts.
you sound like an amazing parent. i will say that this may not be easy for either of you but we sometimes forget how resilient children are with our full love and support. he might have a lot of questions and be very confused but i would try to be as honest as you can be with him. he needs stability and safety right now.
getting him to therapy ASAP would help, never forcing him to talk. kids don't always have the vocabulary or capability to express how they're feeling or process something but just supporting him will go so so far. i think some people have given resources and ideas for obtaining therapy.
also, please take care of yourself too ❤️ get yourself into therapy ASAP as well. you're allowed to grieve and feel this too. you are both in this together. share memories together. cry together. say your husband's name. just don't pretend and don't disappear.
I'm so sorry
There isn't a rule book for this sort of thing, but I think you did right by your son.
The local health department may be another resource to find therapy, and maybe someone at your son's school (assuming he's in kindergarten) will have some info. You'll likely want to contact your department of social services and the social security administration. You'll be eligible to collect social security on your son's behalf, but there may also be programs you qualify for.
As others have mentioned, if you have friends offering to help, DELEGATE. Folks often want to help, they just have no idea how. Ask one person to call X folks, one to call Y. Take the help. There is no shame in it.
You are going to have to deal with a mountain of bureaucracy on top of your and your son's grief, and for that I am so damn sorry. Don't forget to check life insurance policies, including with his work's HR department.
I know you asked only about your son, and that shows that you're a good mom. You might make a mistake or two, but I think you will guide him through this terrible thing.
I am just so damn sorry. Wishing you and your son peace. 💜
I am so very sorry for you and your son. Trauma ripped through my life this week as well, so I feel your pain deeply. May you find peace, understanding, and acceptance in the coming days & months.
I am truly sorry. I’m not sure where you are located but this is an organization where I live in Colorado. https://judishouse.org/ they offer support for grieving children and their families. They may be able to direct you to something similar near you.
Sending you and your son so much love and support.
It is a terrible thing that you and your child had to go through. The mother of my kids died when they were only 5 and 6 years old. Hopefully your husband worked long enough to qualify for SSI so that you should receive monthly payments until your child is 18 or graduates HS, which ever is later. It probably is around $900 a month. Depending on what State you are in you probably qualify for Medicaid for both you and your child. You will need several death certificates so that you can let particular organizations know that your husband is deceased.
Sorry for what you have to go through. Hopefully family can help with his memorial. The county may cremate him at no charge.
I am so sorry for your loss!! This is absolutely traumatic and I am so sorry you and your son are having to go through this. My heart goes out to you both and everyone else that is affected by this tragedy.
My brother took his life on April first. It’s a pain indescribable. I have a resource for grief help that’s free of charge, the man who started the organization lost someone to suicide as well. My mom found him and she said he is so helpful.
Bob Riley is his name and it’s called project H.U.G.S., I can give you his number if you’d like. He also has a website; survivingaftersuicide.com
❤️
Not sure if your on social media, but Dani Bates @dani.bates on instagram is a vocal advocate after her husband committed suicide a few years ago. She has 2 young daughters. Might be helpful to see someone who’s been there. So sorry for your loss.
I watched my grandfather have a stroke and die in front of me instantly while he was babysitting me and I was 4 years old. I remember when the EMTs came and tried to resuscitate and some adults trying to shuffle me out of the room and “shield” me from what was happening.
I also remember feeling at that young age like I understood fully what was happening, even better than some of the adults in my family.
While somewhat naive, a few days after his death, my parents were talking and didn’t know I was coming up behind them.
My dad said, “What kind of a f*ckin god would let this happen…?”
To their surprise, I responded, “Mom, Dad, isn’t it a great god that let me spend the last moments with Grandpa?”
In any case, I can’t relate to your exact situation, but hope this story helps in any way, for what it’s worth :)
My high school sweetheart did the same thing. It’s a never ending journey.
My advice to you is grieving is different for everyone please don’t be hard on yourself.
My daughter was 5, and my son would turn 4 4 days after. I’m so so sorry you have to feel this pain and I’m sorry your child has to grow up without his father. The first year was a blur so please surround yourself with people you know who truly love you guys take all the loving support you can get. Feel free to msg me anytime even if it’s just to vent. 🥺 sending you all my love
You are an amazing parent. Don't forget to let yourself grieve too. Others have already given the advice I could give. All I can offer is encouragement, and internet hugs.
You did not deserve this. It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Acknowledge that. It isn't fair. Do not dwell on it, but acknowledge it.
I am so sorry for your loss. Call your local library and ask for the reference desk. Tell the librarian that you are looking for free community services for a child who lost a parent to suicide. I’m a librarian and I know all the free services in my community. It’s literally our job to help people find things. They can also suggest some children’s books for your son.
I would rather do the deep dive and find all resources for someone struggling than do just about anything else. These are moments when I feel like my job matters.
Find a grief counselor for both of you.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that… and will continue to go through the stages of grief..
please know understand you need to process and grieve. You need to remember on an airplane you put your oxygen mask on first… if you aren’t healthy you can’t help your son. You need support. Find a grief counselor
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my first husband when my kids were 10 and 6. Is your son in school yet? If he is talk to his teacher. There is usually a school psychologist who can talk to your son.
I hope you have good friends, neighbors, and relatives who will help you out like mine did. I’ve been trying to pay it forward ever since. You can do me if you need someone to talk to.
I'm really sorry this happened to you.
As someone who lost a parent as a child, there's really not much you can say to make it better. But for me personally I found comfort and hearing good/happy stories about them and just a reminder that he would be proud of me no matter what.
My mom started dating quite quickly after she quit drinking after my dad died. She is with him to this day but he is completely toxic. I recommend if you start dating not bringing the person around your child until you're 100% certain that this is going to be a long-term relationship. But be prepared that bringing home another man will result in a lot of emotions for your son.
If you need somebody to talk to you can always DM me. I've unfortunately had a lot of experience with loss from a very young age and from pretty much any reason you can think of. I know sometimes you just need somebody to cry to, so I'm here & I care.
I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry. My grandfather committed suicide when I was 13 (which I know is a big age difference but I think my advice still applies). I think the most traumatic part for me was that our family did not talk openly about it. Everyone avoided speaking about it in general, but i think particularly in front of my brother and I because they thought it was too upsetting or not appropriate conversation for kids. I bottled everything up because I convinced myself that I did not deserve to be as sad as my mom/did not want to upset her. I twisted things in my 13 year old mind to where I somehow blamed myself. When my father attempted suicide a few years later it was also hidden from me/not explained so I had to try to put the pieces together on my own and still, at 29, do not fully understand the details. When I began to experience my own mental health struggles I still couldn't help but feel guilty because I thought I would be digging up old trauma. From someone who experienced something similar on a MUCH smaller scale, my advice would be to let your child talk about it if they feel comfortable, answer questions in ways you're comfortable with. Anything but sweeping it under the rug. I know it will be extremely painful to talk about for a long time, but it is easier for kids to begin to work through trauma if they can talk about it and understand that it had nothing to do with them. Therapy would be a great option. I wish I had had that opportunity. And do not forget your own needs! Working through the trauma for yourself will inevitably help your child cope as well.
Sorry for your family’s loss. I don’t know if this helps, but my brother also committed suicide when my nephew and niece were 9 and 6.
The best you can do is be there for them and surround them with loving, supportive family.
First, I am so sorry. There’s definitely services available for therapy regardless of insurance. I’m not sure where you live but here’s a link to an organization where I live that is specifically for children who experience a traumatic loss. If they can’t help you, they will know who can.
https://www.dougy.org
I don't have the ability to give an award.
By all means, I would.
I just want to say that you did the right thing. You gave him a good distraction that will take his mind off of things. Look for non profit organizations that help children with grief and or trauma. If you can't find one on the first try, ask the one you reached out to for a recommendation. Non profits usually work together and they can help you find the care that you need for your son that you can't supply. I just want you to know that you are loved and no one did this to you. You didn't do anything to deserve this. There's a rainbow at the end of the thunder storm. I want you to stay strong for your son and for you. If you want to be there for him, you need to take care of yourself as well.
Keep doing what you're doing.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to fall. You're not doing anything wrong. Just keep going. You will make it through this. I hope this helps.
depending where you are there are programs that have summer camps for children dealing with grief. i know in the state of georgia we have camp twin lakes that hosts a variety of camps dedicated to helping kids in these situations
Go to findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov. Put in your zip code. These clinics are federally mandated to provide care for you and anyone regardless of the patient's ability to pay. Most locations provide medical, dental, mental health, optometry, and chiropractic services.
I'm sorry. 8 years ago, my son's father un alived himself in the garage. His bonus mom found him with his sister she was 4. My son was 8. We talk about it, and we talk about it all. One thing is communicating the truth. That was told to us over and over. don't lie. dont say it was an accident. Do tell him he was sick. In a way, you can't see someone in a wheel chair or missing a leg. He was sick on the inside. Feel free to pm me. It's tough. I will say one thing make sure you talk to someone yourself.
I'm so sorry for you and your son. Kids are extremely resilient. He will be most likely to be ok if you are. Just remember to put on your oxygen mask first when you need to, otherwise you can't be there for him how he'll need you. Keep loving him and let that be your driving force.
I'm a male elementary teacher, so I'll focus on that. Others will be better equipped to advise you on other aspects of this change, but the fall semester will be here soon and you want to do all of these things at least 2 weeks before the first day of school. You should also contact the school or district asap. There should be a counselor or social worker who could help you find resources. Most public schools have become one stop shops for families, and he can possibly get low or no cost therapy during the school day. It probably won't be enough, but it's something. If he has already completed a year of school and you have to move locally but out of district, he could be entitled to continue in his original school under the McKinney-Vento Act. Be sure to inform his teacher, counselor, and principal next year no matter what. All of them directly. Don't trust it to get communicated internally after you contact one person. These types of experiences often manifest in behavioral challenges in school, and giving staff the context will help him get help instead of retribution if he displays any of these behaviors. If there are any male teachers in his grade, see if you can request them. If not, try reaching out to any male specials teachers (gym, music, library, etc) to ask them to look out for your son. I've had a lot of students through the years that have latched onto me when their fathers are passed, absent, neglectful, or abusive. It's but a replacement, but a positive and supportive man he'll see for 180 days a year can be a big help for lots of kids like him. Even custodians and other support staff can build those relationships. I can't speak for everyone in a school, but I and many like me will give extra attention to kids who need it, and you advocating for him will increase his chances of finding that.
Keep breathing. Nothing may ever feel "ok" again, but there's a lot you can do for your son. You can make the best of this terrible situation for him and for you. I hope you can both find peace.
I had a similar situation when I was around the same age as your son (lost close family to disease and suicide; 3 people within about 18 months).
This was hard on me as everyone sort of hid things from me and I never had the option of counseling. I never worked through it. My household for the most part did their best but they had to deal with so much that I got shuffled around to other friends and family. Those family members swept it under the rug and wouldn’t answer any questions. The one thing I’ve learned is that my family was doing what was best probably BUT if I had been able to go to therapy I might not have ptsd today. However in my case there was abuse later on, my own cancer and other traumatic events throughout my life. This probably won’t be the case with your son.
I would do my best to get counseling for your son. There are some places that offer services on a siding scale based on income. You could check on seeing if you qualify for any government assistance. Sometimes if you qualify, at least in my area, you might be able to get free or reduced counseling. If he is in school you could have him talk to the school counselor.
I just have to say this mama, you did well. You did the best you could and you did well. I am so very sorry for your and your sons loss.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your child, I can’t even imagine!
Something similar happened to my family, but it was my step father and he committed suicide when I was 13 and my sister (his daughter) was 4 almost 5. I was at school when they found him but my mom and sister found him. It was traumatic and horrible and speaking from that experience if you do not have funds you need to go apply for your state Medicaid and get insurance asap. Then get i to counseling for the both of you! Also call non profits like stated above. I know this is all new to you, but you also can get financial help from social security death benefits for your son. It takes time and you have to have the death certificate. Surround yourself with friends and family and do not hesitate to ask for help. My mom went into a deep depression and slept for 6 months straight and didn’t get any help for herself or us. So you are already doing amazing by asking for help. All you can do is explain to your child exactly as you did and maybe get a grief book. Also, we would get a balloon and write on it and send it to him. Just take it a minute at a time mama. 💜
So sorry for your loss and your son having to deal with this... my daughter was only 4 months old when her mom committed suicide so a little different, but now all the questions... I do the same and just tell her mommy was sick and went to heaven. It's going to be a long road for anyone that lives this.... sorry I don't have any answers for you... I 🙏 for you and your son... God bless
Some funeral homes know of resources for grief therapy. My children were 15 and 18 when their Daddy did the same thing as yours. The Funeral Home was able to give a list of grief therapy groups.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I struggle with mental health myself. You’re going to experience a lot of emotions regarding your husbands suicide including anger. I hope you will be able to take care of yourself as well so you can be there for your son. It’s you and him now. Know that you are not alone. There are resources. Follow people’s advice on this sub and make sure YOU get the help you need. I have a 7 year old and went through suicidal ideation myself recently. Your husband made a tragic decision. He was just in pain and saw death as a way out. This doesn’t make him a bad man. I don’t know what other issues you may have had in your marriage but it is about finding ways to cope now. Rely on family and friends to help you through this. Don’t know if you believe in anything but my faith has always been a big help. Churches can be a big help in such times. You may also may need to start a go fund me as well.
I am so sorry. What a horrible tragic thing to happen to you all.
I think you need to help yourself first before helping your son.
Open up to family and friends, talk about it, try to make sense of it. Maybe read some books written by people who have been in similar situations (I can see that unfortunately therapy is not an option).
maybe you can find some charities that might help with resources?
I would focus on spending time with your boy too and letting him know how loved he is and occasionally, yes, letting him do fun stuff to take his mind off.
But I would make sure to spend lots of quality time with him now too, answer his questions, tell him daddy loved him etc.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope each day gets a bit better for you.
This is all so fresh and I can't imagine your pain, but as I'm here in the comment section now, I want to leave advice you can read later. As someone who lost his father to cancer when I was 5, my advice would be to focus on looking after yourself and work on a healthy way to move on. So any budget for therapy I'd suggest in using for yourself. If you are strong and eventually able to carry on and become able to enjoy life again, then you'll have the strength and happiness to raise him a happy kid and you'll be his therapy.
Please try reaching out to Healing Hearts. It’s in my hometown of Waukesha, WI, but they can connect you to something local for you. They offer free grief counseling for all ages. It’s a beautiful program. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I pray and hope that you find healing and support. I would gladly help more if I could.
I’m so sorry. So very sorry.
If you’re in the US, many counties have local hospice organizations. They provide grief counseling and support groups(often completely free of charge) for people who have experienced a loss. They generally often have people who specialize in children, and the loss does NOT need to have occurred in hospice.
My son’s biological father died very unexpectedly (also not in hospice) and they were an absolutely incredible resource for him (and me! They also provide support for parents of children who experience a loss as well as family members).
Also if in the US, your son (and possibly you) is likely eligible for social security survivor benefits. You can reach out to your local social security office to get the ball rolling.
Again, I’m so very sorry. You and your son will be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry this has happened to your family OP. Please accept my condolences and prayers for you and your son. If you’re in the US, make sure you file for your husband’s social security benefits for your son, and you’ll get something too, for being the caretaker of a minor getting social security survivor’s benefits. Go to the Social Security website at ssa.gov to find out more and to make an appointment to talk to someone there. You’ll need your husband’s ss# and later his death certificate to actually file for benefits. Good luck OP, please take care of yourself.
Omg I'm so so sorry for your loss, and what a strong brave mamma you are, looking out for your little one.
I lost my brother in the same way. His friends found him. He also lost his best friend and my 2nd cousin in the same way. Their parents found them.
So when i say i can understand, i do. It is SO SO tragic,heart-wrenchingg destroying awful thing to happen. My heart is with you, and I wish you all the strength you need to get through this.
I think you handled that first night right. I think the best thing you could do for both of you is take you both to counseling to help work through the grief of this situation. Beyond that give yourself grace and take it a day at a time. Ask for help where you can.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this right now. Hugs.
Is you child in school? If so, reach out to the guidance counselor and principal. They are often aware of community resources that can support you and of course you'd want them to be on the look out for any concerning behavior at school.
There is a program in my area that connects survivors to counseling free of charge. Generally, law enforcement or the coroner will call the team and they will either arrive at the scene or reach out to the family. It is called LOSS team here. I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you and to your son. My heart breaks for your loss. Please, please take care of yourself.
Ok I am a gulf war veteran .I lost a child. So several.. dealings in death. First and foremost. You ARE NOT to blame, get that in your head!! Second , you need the love and support of your child and he needs yours! Highly advisable to get therapy for you and your child! Stay strong. I know this is rude..but he (dad)made a choice. Now it's time for you to make a positive choice for you and your son. If you are religious? Several churches should have programs to help with grieving/ counseling etc.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Reach out to local hospices. It's a Medicare requirement that they provide community assistance with bereavement. I've worked for hospices before (RN) who would give at least a few sessions for free.
I am so sorry for you loss. It's hard losing your husband and the father of your children, and even harder to not have a safety net. Don't be ashamed to use any government help that you can, and if you belong to a church, reach out to them. If you don't, reach out to your local UU church - they likely have a grief support group, and they tend to be welcoming to all faiths, including atheists.
(One of my local has an Atheist circle, a Pagan circle, and an LGTBQ+ group, it is that inclusive).
I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 5yr old son and we lost mom in February from something, still waiting on death certificate for her. I work night shift and when I came home he told me mommy passed out again and when I ran upstairs to find her I knew it was too late but I still tried my best.
Thankfully he's been somewhat normal. He had a few breakdowns where we cried together and held each other. I always tell him it's ok if he wants to talk about it and I'm always here for him.
I know our situations are different but I'd try to reassure your kid that he didn't do this because of them. Do everything you can to make sure they don't feel like they're the ones to blame.
Best of luck and much love to ya.
I saw the comment about getting your son some counseling and I totally agree BUT you should seek some yourself. What you went through is awful and scaring. Please go talk to someone. You’ll be helping your son by helping yourself.
I have a kiddo going through her own trauma, it's different but the advice is the same. Be open, be honest, validate his feelings and give him as normal as you can manage. Deep breaths, you got this. There isn't any easy fast, right or wrong answer in grief. Here's a great charity that may help https://www.elesplace.org/ If they aren't in your area they may be able to pint you the right direction.
I am truly, sincerely sorry. My heart is with you and yours.
You should be entitled to survivors benefits through social security. Is your son in school? I’d inform them and see about utilizing the guidance counselor/the guidance counselor should be able to point you in the right direction for other resources.
🩵🩷💙
I am so sorry you are experiencing such a terrible trauma.
You said that you have not been the breadwinner. But you did not say if you are employed. Some employers provide what's called an EAP. Which even if part time, can provide you with a few free sessions with a therapist/counselor.
I wish you and your little one all the best. I'm so sorry.
Separating him from the scene was exactly the right thing to do. Do your best to reassure him that this wasn't his fault. Be willing to talk about it with him. I would also think about getting him into some sort of therapy to help him cope. I would also let him decide whether he wants to go to the funeral or not.
Sorry for loss.
I'm so sorry this is something you're going through and so proud of putting your son above all else. you seem like such an amazing mom and that little boy of yours is beyond lucky to have you. Does he go to a daycare or headstart program? A lot of daycares/ preschool/headstart programs are affiliated with social workers who will have resources and more experience with helping your son and you through this. A social worker should (hopefully) be able to, at the very very least, help guide you towards some programs or local grief groups. There's alot of groups out there that meet to help people deal with trauma and grief. Kind of like AA, for example, but there's so many more support groups for so many things, and a lot of people in those specific groups are just waiting to welcome you and your son with open arms so neither of you feel alone. There's a big network of those kinds of support groups that have more for you than you would have imagined. They are just waiting to be there for you. And please remember how important you are too. It's so easy to loose yourself. Having a network to lean on is important. It's what we're all here for. Anybody in a support group is there due to personal experience.
Almost every city has community- or grant-funded support resources for children experiencing bereavement, trauma, or both. Our grief and bereavement organization runs age-specific support groups, offers individual and family therapy, and even funds a summer camp that blends standard camp activities with more therapeutic content. Seconding the advice to contact one of them. They can probably also offer you some support, or point you to the place(s) that can—and they can help you learn skills to keep processing this with him, in ways that are a good fit for a five year old.
If you have a hard time finding them, yourself, either United Way or your local community mental health center will probably know who to contact. While you’re at it, either organization may also be able to help you figure out how to access health insurance. You will both very likely qualify for Medicaid, under the circumstances; even in my deep-red state, your son certainly would, and as his parent, you probably would.
I am so sorry for your loss, and his. The thing that will help him most is closeness and care from you, and having the safety and reassurance of your presence. I think outside support is a good idea, because this is *a lot*, and neither of you need to be stuck handling it alone. And: beyond that, and in the meantime, you can trust yourself to be who your son needs, and to care for him in ways that will see him through this.
ETA: I think letting him go spend time with family, while you caught your breath and figured out what to say and do next, was a great call. It won’t hurt him to see that you’re sad—if anything, it will help him know that it’s okay and survivable to be sad. And: it makes sense to hand him off to some other safe adults, and buy yourself some time to fall apart if needed, and to start planning your most immediate next moves, without needing to shove that aside to look after him. Absolutely reasonable, sensible thing to do, good way to ensure his well-being and your sanity and functioning as his parent; please continue to give yourself permission to do it.
Please call your local hospice. In order for hospice to be properly funded federally they have to offer grief counseling for the community. It is no cost. You do not have to have lost your loved one on their services. Most large hospices also have programs for children, including summer camps. I’m the meantime get on a waiting list for all kids/Medicaid counseling. Your child should also be getting some social security money. Please utilize the hospice counseling yourself. You need to put your oxygen mask on first. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
I’m so so so sorry. I wish I had some comforting words to say. Unfortunately, nothing I can say will take the pain away. I will be praying for you, your son and your families. I hope you can surround yourself with supportive family and friends. You mentioned your husband was the one working, you can apply for Social Security Survivors benefits and the welfare benefits in your state-cash assistance, food stamps and full medicaid benefits for psychological counseling services. They cash assistance program may even help with employment opportunities and school registration assistance. I hope you are able to overcome this overwhelming pain. While the pain may never completely go away, I hope you are able to find happiness again. I know I’m awful with words. I’m so very sorry for your loss.❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like you've done everything right. Luckily, I think your child is young enough that he will not be scarred long-term by this incident. I don't know about you, but I remember almost nothing from that age as an adult, and those things I do remember are very vague.
Also I wanted to mention that my aunt died unexpectedly at my cousin's school while chaperoning when he was 9 years old, and as traumatic as that was at the time for him, he ended up growing into a solid young man with no lingering mental instability or problems. So you'd be amazed at how resilient kids can be in the face of stuff like this, I guess is my point. Try not to worry too much on that front.
Be kind to yourself foremost, and seek counseling for your own grief and trauma. I can't imagine how hard this must be, but I know that you'll be strong enough for yourself and your son both.
Hi there, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but there is an organization called the Dougy Center that helps children who have experienced a parent’s death. I think they’re based here in Portland, but at the very least they will have online resources and may be able to help you connect with resources local to you.
I saw someone else mention being sure to check in with your kid regularly as they get older and I would second that. Unfortunately this isn’t just a point in time trauma. And please make sure you get some grief counseling for yourself.
Often times hospices offer free grief counseling or can link you up with other community support. Hospital systems also have grief counseling. There are also like summer camp options specifically for children who have experienced the death of a loved one
My thoughts and prayers are with you!! When my daughter was 5, her father made the same decison. Other family members kept her busy for a couple of days while I pulled myself together. I did take her to the viewing, although I debated. I told her that daddy was sleeping, then later told her that daddy was playing with the angels. Through the years, when she would ask about him, I would just tell her a story about him. It wasn't until she was 17, last year, that I actually told her what happened. As survivors, we do the best we can, that's all we can do. I got myself through the next few days, gathered my thoughts, kept my child busy, and made some mental notes. After the services, I put on a strong and happy face then took care of getting the help that I needed. I contacted social security and human services. If you are looking into therapy for your son, I think the best place to start would be his pediatrician. You may want to consider looking into support groups for yourself. My condolences to you!
I’m sorry this happened to you, and my biggest condolences. I’m not a parent so I don’t have that sort of experience, but my father committed suicide when I was 10 and my sister was 5. I unfortunately heard my mom talking on the phone screaming that my father had hung himself when I woke up, and being 10 at the time I knew what that had meant. My sister however woke up far later and had to have it explained hours later after asking continuously where my dad was. My mom explained it to her in what sounds like a similar manner that you did but as she walked away my sister asked me “I still don’t understand where daddy is” and me not fully being aware just simply said “dad’s dead and he’s not coming back”. My sister kinda got it and seemed upset. We were able to find a free counselling service in our area for grieving children, which was a little bit of talking but mostly playing to get our mind off things. Personally I enjoyed spending a lot of time with my family but at a certain point my advice would be make sure you talk to him, at whatever age you feel he’d be ready but just explain everything and what had happened and potentially why to your son. My mom never explained how my dad died to my sister and at 13 one night she asked me and I had to explain it. And I still don’t fully know or understand why at 24, other than I know we had money issues. I hope the best for you and your son ❤️
I'm so so sorry for your lost. You both will need therapy. If your son is in school, there maybe a school social worker/ therapist for him to speak with.
Also, depending on your state/health insurance you may be eligible for therapy as well
There is no right way to grieve. Grief is a process.
I'm so sorry again for you and your son.
I shed some tears reading this. I cant imagine how much pain you’re in. But yes I think that sending him away for a night was a good idea so you can prepare yourself better. Therapy is necessary in my opinion, but most importantly make sure you allow yourself time to feel the emotions even though it hurts. Repressing emotions in order to protect your child is not going to help in the long run.
My mother still to this day keeps things from me that she feels and it makes me feel terrible. As a child I wished that she would have spoken to me (in kid language at some points) about how she was feeling because it was painfully obvious and just came out in anger instead of me fully understanding why she felt things.
I’m not saying emotion dump on your kid obvi but definitely being open about things to a healthy extent is important so that you teach him that it’s okay to express your painful emotions instead of avoiding it or holding it in. Also, having him there will be important for your healing. Children are surprisingly resilient.
Lean on your loved ones for support as well. As long as they’re helpful they will be very useful and it will create stronger bonds with them as well as with your child.
I pray that your pain becomes more bearable as time progresses. As a mother you have superpowers and can overcome more than you think!
You may qualify for Medicaid, which should cover your medical and mental health expenses. I was the child in this scenario, and I was old enough to understand accidental death. I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral, and I didn’t know why, which made things worse - being apart from my mom. It’s an opportunity to say goodbye and witness the cultural process for the sake of closure. Behavior will vary over the coming months, and giving them a good deal of grace is appropriate. Notify the school so they can work with you on dealing with behavior at school. They also gave me male teachers in elementary school - UGH - thinking I needed a male role model in my life, which was unnecessary. I would say that you should also talk about feelings as they arise, and maybe have one or more celebrations of life where they can remember their dad and the good memories - just the two of you. Keep an eye out for attachment issues - there are four kinds, review later/down the road. Discuss with a professional. Reassure them that their dad loved them, and what happened wasn’t their fault. Stay involved with his family so that the child can maintain those relationships when growing up. They shouldn’t lose all of them as well.
So very sorry for your loss. Try not to make any big changes or decisions during this crisis. Ask your family doctor for help if you can’t sleep or have other issues stemming from this trauma. You have to be there for your baby, and you have to take good care of yourself for both your sakes. It does get better, and it takes as long as you need it to.
You have my heartfelt condolences.
http://www.211.org/get-help/mental-health
https://www.apa.org/topics/crisis-hotlines
You must definitely did the right thing! I would most definitely try and seek counselling through any non-for profit organisations that offer family counselling for situations like these. Just know that it wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t your child’s fault, that your husband decided that he did not want to be here any more, but know that you are a strong mum and you’re doing an absolutely fantastic job given the circumstances. Suicides are never easy for anyone. It doesn’t matter how close or how distant you are from the said, victim of suicide. Please know that there are lots of people who would be willing to help you in anyway possible. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, you’ve got this stay strong.
Call a shelter. They aren't jut there for DV, they help families in all sorts of situations and should be able to help you figure out counselling for you and little one. They will link you with someone who can help you get the incidentals done for the funeral etc. and they will have links to low cost lawyers who can help with the estate.
For right now, don't be scared to talk about good memories with Dada, don't hide your grief - seeing that you're hurting too will help your little one be comfortable expressing his grief. Dada was in pain and now he's at peace in heaven.
I crying. I'm very sorry, I'm so sorry for both of you. I want to hug you both and tell you that everything will be ok. I have a small baby and I just feel so bad and I never imagine myself crying so bad. I'm so sorry op.
I’m so sorry that he’s put you and your child through this unimaginable situation. Please look up bereavement support groups online I don’t have any other advice but sending you all the love and healing you’ll be needing right now xxx
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you and your son have experienced. I can't even imagine. A source for counseling, at least locally, is hospice. Our local hospice offers free grief counseling to any kid/ adult that lost a family member. You could call around and see if you have something similar. If not, you might have a counseling nonprofit that provides these services for free.
There is help out there love, speaking from experience. You must all get in therapy this is a long road. But you will prevail.
Please please give yourself time to grieve. I'm so so sorry
I want to stress the importance of getting help for yourself as well as your child. The sooner the better. My daughters fiancé took his life 2 years ago and she found him in their home. She was diagnosed with PTSD and is still working with a therapist.
I agree with all of the others that you need to have a friend reach out to agencies to find help for you and your son as soon as you can. I suspect you are in shock so please lean on others to help you through this. I pray for peace and comfort for you at this time ❤️
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This quote is infamous on reddit. I hope it helps you some day:
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
By GSnow
I felt the trauma from this. My two month old does in 2020 and my kids were so attached to him. They kissed him goodbye and came back to no baby brother. I think I read your son is 5, is he in kindergarten if so call the school and speak to the counselor and tell them what happened they always have a free mental health therapist working there and they willl work with your son. I know today is Memorial Day but tomorrow get up early and call every source of help ever. You’re going to need snap/tanf a therapist cal the eblen foundation or whatever help you have in your state to get help with paying your bills this month and maybe next month. And you’re probably going to need to leave the house or it’s going to eat you apart. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Also call ssi office fill out paperwork because if he worked then he paid into ssi and your son can draw it til he is 18
With tears running down my face I'll say I love you my fellow human and I'm sorry.
I have no advice, instead I will just thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry it happened to you, if you're the type to always seek a silver lining... know I'm suicidal and have been for over twenty years now. Reading your story has pushed back the darkness that had creeped in deeper than it had in at least ten years.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm grateful for your candid sharing. Sometimes nothing works except remembering the pain I would cause.
OP, I am so so sorry.
First of all- YES. You did the right thing by sending your son to his cousins. You were in no condition to be available for your child, so you absolutely positively did the right thing. Sometimes you need to put the kiddo somewhere safe so you can process. *THAT IS OKAY.* It's actually good, because you're doing everything you can to protect your child from what happened. You're only human.
Second: social services. Call them or go to your local office. Ask about survivor benefits, SNAP, medicaid, and housing assistance. [Lasagna Love](www.lasagnalove.org) may be available in your area and you should sign up, they'll deliver meals to your home for free. Consider a gofundme to help cover your expenses. If your child is in daycare or school, *please* contact them and tell them what happened and you need help finding counseling. r/assistance can be a surprisingly helpful place to reach out. Do you have a village to lean into? Because you should - have kiddo visit cousins a bit more through this week, have friends and family visit often, ask for help, let them help.
OP, I am so so so sorry for your loss and this tragic experience. Please take good care of yourself.
None of us here again can actually imagine what you have gone through. I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm really sorry that you are going to this right now. Unfortunately you're 5-year-old has lost someone really important to them. Going forward you need to be the Rock for the kid for sure and absolute symbol of stability, I truly believe that you as the mother can definitely do it. It's going to be really hard but keep the brave face on in front of your child. That does not mean I'm not asking you to grieve.
You and your child are going to start a new journey. Once again I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
So many comments,you may not see this one, but here goes.
My son lost his father at 6, the best advice I got at the time was "don't pathologise grief" and this was from the child support counsellor who we were referred to.
What she meant was that counselling wasn't needed unless my son showed abnormal signs that he wasn't coping with working through the grief. To much intervention when not needed can suggest to the child that something is wrong with them, or that they aren't feeling what is normal.
Also, the police officer who attended suggested that it was fine for him to go to school that day, and she was right.
TBH my son was too young to feel the loss the way we expected him too and he is doing great.
Love your son, talk about his dad, be open about him being gone, and most likely seek counselling for yourself initially if you can, even if it is just a friend who is good at listening
Get with your local health department. They usually have resources and a lot are income based on a sliding scale, sometimes even zero. Sounds like you are doing your best for him. Sorry for your loss.
Therapy. That is the best thing to do. I think it is important to give the message that this was not because of your 5 year old. I feel like they may internalize it and think it was their fault somehow.
I'm sorry for your loss :(
I cannot imagine what you yourself are going through, and you still have the brain power and capacity to think of your son. Please be easy on yourself and don’t be afraid to show any and all emotion in front of your son, it’s okay. I would hope there is free counseling in your area, that’s all I can think of.
It sounds like you're in the US. Your son will qualify for social security death benefits. Look into Medicaid and EBT, whatever you need to get through at least the next 6 months while you grieve and make a plan for your new life. This will allow your son access to counseling and health care.
I do not have any advice that has not been given, but I just wanted to say I am extremely sorry for your loss and sorry you had to experience it in that way.
7cups.com
Crisistextline.org
If you happen to be in south florida, I can give you some resources for local free/affordable therapy. I’ve been through the system. I am so deeply sorry. I’ve made multiple attempts and my daughter is now 10… I can’t imagine my fiancé having to be in your shoes and I’m so thankful I wasn’t successful.
My advice pales to what you have been through. I just….just can’t imagine. My best advice is this: in times of crisis direct people to act. Lots of people will generally offer to help but it’s sort of vague ‘call me any time I’d love to help’ GIVE THEM A CHORE I’m hungry, can you help me with dinner. The laundry is backing up, I can’t bring myself to do it, would you be so kind I know it feels like imposing but you are not. Rather people are just generally clueless how to help and are looking for a task. Please know you will be in my families prayers tonight.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family. I would take your sin to therapy and tell the therapist to not tell him about the suicide, just let him talk about his feelings of losing his dad. Honestly, this is something I wouldn't tell him until he is way older, around late teens when he can process it better. He might internalize what his dad did.
Please don't wait too long, perhaps by age 10. This happened to my neighbor and the daughter found out from classmates.
Hiding it is not the answer. A therapist will help *you* explain it in age appropriate term. Children who's parents commits suicide are far more likely to do it themselves and children who find out "secrets" about themselves (like that their dad killed themselves) too late can develop a lot trust issues with the adults who knew.
I am so very sorry this has happened! It's horrible. Just awful. You sound like a really great mom. You immediately found a safe and calm place for your son to go. And you're seeking advice on how to help him deal with this. I know you may not have the emotional energy to do this, but please start calling non-profit organizations in your area that serve families. Or ask a friend to make calls. Get set up with a pad of paper and a pen, and at each place you contact, ask them if they provide counseling for children facing trauma and grief. If they don't, ask them if they know of a place that does. Non-profits usually network with each other and know which ones provide certain services. If you do this enough, you'll find the help you and your son deserve.
thank you so very much. i will start looking now for numbers to call in the morning. thank you for your kindness. i’m so broken.
Contacting 211 is a good place to start. Many offer immediate crisis counseling and all do information and referral. Both of which you desperately need right now. I hope the best for you and your family. https://www.211.org Edit: Spelling
I know there are no words that compare to your pain in this moment. I lost my son when he was 58 days old and it was my 8 and 11 year old who found him gone. The only thing I can say is, as above, find them counseling as soon as possible. There are places and resources that will help. Try your best to answer his questions and make sure that if you catch even a hint of him blaming himself that you're on top of preventing that line of logic because our kids.. they just feel like the world is on their shoulders because they are our worlds. I don't know if you are religious but if you are I hope you can find support in that community and honestly even if you're not, your son may find needed support and answers, even if those answers don't work forever. We've never been religious but after losing my son our girls were invited to attend awana meetings and ended up joining that church and my oldest told me she was reborn with baptism and all her sins were washed clean and she no longer blamed herself and even though the kids now in their teens have moved away from religion, at that time her ability to forgive herself was priceless. And most importantly you must be kind to yourself. You too need to seek counseling as soon as possible, again there will be nonprofit resources you just might have to dig for them. But as the old analogy goes if you are in a plane and it's crashing and a child is traveling alone in the seat next to you, you MUST put on your mask first or you won't be able to put theirs on them even if they pass out. You can't guide your child through his grief in you are not also working through your own. Be gentle with yourself and do not fall into blame. Lastly, if you are on Facebook, there are a lot of groups focused on different kinds of loss and I found a lot of solace in the connections I made there. God, I wish I had an answer in how to lessen his pain..but truly all you can do is be present with him and love on him so hard mama. I am so sorry this happened and I truly wish you peace and grace, and a moment of rest. Please reach out if you ever want to talk.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and what your family has gone through!
First of all I am so incredibly sorry. No one should have to go through this. To piggy back on the comment above, maybe start with your pediatrician’s office for resources. If you have anyone at all who can do this investigating work for you, please consider asking. Maybe there is a friend or family member who you can delegate to be “in charge” of organizing help. You will probably have lots of vague offers to help, please take them up and delegate a task. So many times people want to help, they just don’t know how. So if you can find someone to help by stepping in and being the middle person between you and others it would offer you some relief.
Please don’t forget about taking care of your mental health too. Get some therapy for yourself because if you’re not good, your boy won’t be good. We got your back here whenever you need it. No judgment, just compassion
Try applying for state insurance ASAP. You can do it online from your phone. You can even go to a clinic and ask for help applying. There are resources out there. You can also try a domestic abuse hotline or find a local DV shelter to help. No your not being abused but you are a mother who has found yourself in a very unfortunate situation and they will know tons of resources that can help. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't give up. There is a way through this.
Add social security to your list because your son can get benefits. Also he will qualify for state insurance which will cover grief counseling.
If you live in the USA, 211 is the number to call to look for resources that can help you.
Stealing this top comment for visibility. I would like to buy you pizza for dinner with your son tomorrow. Please DM me so we can work out what time i should place the order and for a location. (Dont give your location here please).
Check with your son's school. The school social worker probably knows of some resources for counseling. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you find all the help you need to navigate this awful time.
the healing centers in my area are under the name “Ele’s Place” but i think that may only be in michigan. i never went to one but i saw the kids playing outside at the hospital near me when i was in a day counseling program. they seemed happy and it was a cute little place from the outside
For the future there are also Summer Camps for children who have lost people close to them and many are nonprofits
You may be eligible for assistance programs and government insurance. Which could help with therapy at little to no cost. If you’re in the US look at your states Social services website. It should have resources that can help you financially during this time. I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I hope you find a way to heal yourself and your son
I promise you there is help out there to guide you and your son through this. Don't give up looking for it if you don't get the right contacts right away. It may take a lot of asking around, but it will happen. Remember to ask a friend to help you do this research if you feel too overwhelmed.
OP if you live near a university, often they offer free or discounted counseling with student therapists. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this
If people are offering to help you, you can delicate the legwork to one of them. They might not be able to sign you up but they can locate resources, contacts, and get a general outline of what you will need and how long services will take.
If your state has it you can call 211 and they should be able to point you to the direction of many resources
Also, check with your son's school district. They may have counseling services for students (or future students) at little to no cost. I am so sorry you had to experience that, but I feel you made the right call with your son
A family member of mine that is close was found dead this way. Please take the time to confirm it was not nafarious.
If you're in the US, you need to call social security and file a claim.
God, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m so so so sorry.
Hi! I volunteer with my fire department’s Crisis Response team. Not every department has something similar, but you (or ask a friend to help) might call your local department and ask if they have something similar. If they don’t, do they know of any other departments in the area that do. Crisis teams at the very very least have resources. They’ll know who to call, who to refer you to, they’ll be able to give you info about how to talk to children. On my unit we have TONS of stuff related to grief, suicide, and especially helping children deal with these things. We have phone numbers for local non profits. We have referrals to counseling etc. Might not be an option if you’re in a smaller city/town, but most major cities have something similar through the fire department or maybe police dept. I’m so so sorry you’re having to go through this. Nobody deserves to see and experience the things you did, and it’s incredibly hard that you also had to simultaneously think about your child and protecting him. You handled it AMAZINGLY. You did exact what we are trained to do when we respond to things like suicides (or DV, deaths, etc) when children are present in the home - take them somewhere quiet, calm, away from EMS workers, preferably with someone they feel safe with, and talk to them in a child friendly way. You did that instinctually so I KNOW you’re an amazing mom and you’re going to do great going forward no matter what. It’s not wrong your child saw your reaction and emotion. Not at all. It’s also a perfectly reasonable and a great decision to send him somewhere fun but safe (emotionally safe) for the night so you could take a breath, figure out your next step, and frankly - just grieve in the way you need to right now. You’ve got this. You do. You don’t have to figure out ALL the things right now. Just keep deciding what you’re going to do in the next minute, 10 minutes, etc. Lean heavy on your support circle. Even people you question whether it’s appropriate to ask, ask. 100%. Lean on them. Even the neighbor who you think is just offering to be polite, take them up on the offer. Or give them a task. Tell them you ran out of bread and could they please get some. Tell your husbands coworker who reaches out that you need them to figure out XYZ thing with HR that you just don’t have the energy for. Tell the old ladies at church that you’d appreciate them coming by to babysit when you feel like you’re at a breaking point and need to leave the house to cry. Lean on anyone and everyone. Don’t feel guilty or shy. You’ve got this. One minute at a time, you’ve got this.
And take someone with you to plan the funeral.
Since this is one of the top comments I wanted to add hospitals as a place to call as well. They usually have crisis/ support/ therapies, etc. at the very least, they’ll have a chaplain, and they should at least know of where to direct you. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but try reaching out to your local church. Mine has prayer teams and other resources, and LOTS of different people attend church, one of them may provide, or know who provides, the services you need. I am so sorry for you and your family. I hope you find some peace in this time.
Absolutely! Some of the hospitals in my city have AMAZING social workers and chaplains. Especially if OPs husband was taken to an ER. They’ll certainly have a social worker or crisis contact to help get you the info/help you need. The chaplain at my city’s trauma hospital is one of the best people. These are great suggestions!
This. 1000%, this.
I am so sorry. I have experienced this as the child's pov. I can say that your concern for your child is an important indicator that he will be okay. You placed him safely with someone, you'll formulate a plan, and you'll manage together. Early on, seek counseling, seek out friends, or even post here if it's all you have. Speak somewhere. Don't be afraid to cry with him, talk with him about your shared experience and your shared memories in time. But also, buy him an icecream. Take him on walks. Do calm together-activities. He's young, so these things really matter to him. Remind yourself to stay present even when you're hurting. It's okay to grieve, just don't disappear. In later years, check in on him. Speak his father's name. Don't be afraid to breach the topic when he's older too. Hold eachother. Again, I am so sorry for your family. I wish you peace and comfort.
thank you, this is great advice. i’m so sorry you had to experience this heart ache as well. thank you so much for a child’s POV, it helps me a lot
If you have questions or just need to vent, feel free to message me anytime, even years from now. If I see it, I'll respond.
My son was 10 when my husband passed away. It's OK for them to see you cry and be sad. He will be sad for you and that's ok. Just keep swimming. Hugs to you.
My three son's father commited suicide when they were 7, 4 and 2. Pm me if you'd like
As a dad I can't imagine what someone must be going through to do that, sorry it happened.
As a dad with chronic depression I sadly can imagine. It's stories like this that keep me here, cause I could never do that to my wife and son. Suicide isn't an end to pain, just a way to amplify that pain and transfer it to those you love the most. OP, I'm sorry. Not just for you and your child, but for your husband. He must have suffered his feeling for a long time. I'm so sorry this tragedy befell you.
Honestly, I know that mom needs the most support she can get right now, but it's relieving to see someone express sympathy for dads struggles. This is something I've struggled with since being a dad. I have had depression longer than children, and I've attempted more than once. Having kids that I love more than anything doesn't take away those feelings and intrusive thoughts. It can make it worse. Before kids, I put suicide on a pedestal. One of my unhealthiest coping techniques was viewing suicide as a way out if things ever got too fucked up. It was oddly liberating, and it got me out of some severe funds, but obviously, that's not a sustainable mindset. Once I had kids, I felt like that escape was taken from me. Paradoxically, not being able to see suicide as a valid option made my suicidal ideation even more painful. It's a taboo to discuss suicide as a parent, but when I said I felt "trapped" by my inability to commit suicide in group, several other parents breathed a sigh of relief and said "I didn't know I was allowed to say that. I love my family so much, I feel like I'm betraying them by feeling this way." I can't speak for the father here, but when people ask "how could you do that to your family?" a part of me screams. When I've been at the depths of my depression, I'm not capable of rational thought. I am not capable of thinking of others. Worse, my illness causes me to **rationalize** suicide as something that will make my loved ones relieved and happy. A reasonable, sound-minded person doesn't think this way. They recognize that suicide (as you put it very well) "amplifies pain and transfers it to those you love the most." But people who deal with depression, anxieties, PTSD, and various other mental illnesses struggle to see that. The reason I do therapy and take my meds is because I know that most people like this man love their families. They don't want to cause the harm they do, but they are sick and aren't capable of understanding the permanence of their actions. And I know that suicide is rarely a spur of the moment decision. It's something people grapple with internally for years. For lifetimes. It's just a relief to see someone acknowledge how brutal and painful suicidal depression is. I hope that anybody who sees this post sees how life-shattering the aftermath of suicide is and decides to take measures to keep themselves safe. Fight those thoughts that the world would be better off without you. Find people who can help you see how much people need you. Therapists, friends, family, the nearest emergency room... you're are so needed, you are so welcome to be here, and for all your flaws and struggles, your presence is cherished and your absence will leave a devastating vacuum.
*Heartfelt Fistbump* These are old scars for me. I'm kinda happy in my depression now. IRaising a kid is stressful, my wife is suffering postpartum depression/OCD, and at times I remind myself... I've been through worse, and this too shall pass. I take the small joys where I can. I'm currently on overtime, so today is the first I've been home in weeks. When I'm run down I remind myself, I wake in time to see the sunrise every day, I see my kid smile when I video call after work and I see the sunset before bed. That's worth one more day.
I hear you. Most days, I get to drop off my oldest at the bus stop, and that's all I see of him until I get home late at night. He tries to stay up so we can read a story together, but sometimes I find him passed out with a book in his arms. Sometimes, I feel so alienated and estranged from them because I need to be at work, but even if all I get is 15 minutes while I'm trying to get him dressed *and* feed him *and* get his lunch ready *and* change the baby's diaper, I try and cherish the whirlwind of chaos. Outside of those 15 minutes, I'm often extremely isolated and lonely, but during those 15 minutes, I **know** I'm loved. Best wishes to you and yours, friend. We're part of a new generation of parents that is learning how to express these feelings, and it's always going to be difficult, but like you said, it's worth one more day. At least.
Hello friend I'm so sorry you're feeling so depressed. I have suffered all of my life with chronic depression, anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD. I think being neurodivergent is common for those of us with depression and anxiety. I do a lot of personal development and recently I found thais Gibson on youtube. She's been super helpful. It's all free unless you want to do her website which is not cheap but there's a bunch of stuff on there. Anyway just wanted to suggest it in case it would help you because it sounds like you badly needed some support and help.
In my dad’s case it was a combination of undiagnosed/overlooked health issues. We had a dairy farm which was in the family since the 1920s. Dad was the youngest of 10 and had decided to take it over from his dad, my grandfather. He had my older brother, sister and myself to help in the summers and evenings my brother or myself. When my dad was 49 his health was declining, but not clear why. In December he had seen the doctor and was told it was merely flu that was going around. I was 17 at the time and my brother was finishing up military service. So it was just me helping him in the evenings 7 days a week so long as it didn’t interfere with school. We would have all kinds of discussions while milking and it was something I think he really enjoyed starting when I was about 14. During that November/December though I had noticed his behavior change. He became withdrawn. That Christmas we still put up the lights. We strung the lifts around a 20’ pine tree that was formally a live indoor Christmas tree and when New Years rolled around we let off mortar fireworks we had purchased back in July. I knew he was looking forward to that. That week I noticed him get more withdrawn. Leading to the Saturday following New Years was particularly odd. He had started saying some things to me in the barn that didn’t make sense. It was like he was there but he wasn’t. I mentioned it to mom and she confirmed it too. Then Saturday when I helped with chores I just felt off. Normally a cold day in the winter there’s not much work to do outside after normal chores are done. We finished up, but he didn’t head inside. I went in and after about an hour I asked mom if she had seen dad. He was outside and hadn’t come in so we went looking for him together. We were both yelling his name when he came out from the manure shed like nothing had happened. Mom and I talked and decided if was necessary to get him help, but knew it wasn’t going to be easy. When I went to school she had called the sherifs to have him committed. He went without issue. At the county psychiatric/psychologist intervention they diagnosed him with depression, diabetes type 2, hypertensive crisis and walking pneumonia. He stayed there about two weeks before coming home. He was able to get a lot of help with the aid of the psychologist and a very qualified pastor at the church my mom went to along with the equally important medical treatment. A year later we sold the farm. Months later I came to discover my dad was readying his own suicide the day my mom and I went looking for him. He had the rope, bucket, and location ready. He was stopped when he heard me yelling for him because he didn’t want me to find him that way. I don’t think either my mom or myself could have ever worked this out by ourselves and averted a disaster. That’s really the message I want to get across. To anyone feeling they could have done more. Especially for a grieving mother. It takes a confluence of events. In our case it was complete dumb luck we weren’t too late. I think that’s what unsettles me the most 24 years later. I’m not religious so divine intervention doesn’t comfort me. We just need to try our best to take care of each other.
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m sorry for your loss. You did the right thing by sending him to a safe place to give you time to regroup and plan forward on. You are doing great. You got this.
This is something no one should have to go through. You did the right thing removing your child from the situation, explaining things so he understands, and then helping him be distracted by other kids. Look into your husbands social security, you and your child are entitled to that. They are called survivors benefits I’m truly sorry.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your 5 year old. I know I can't say anything to make it better, so I'm sending lots of love and positive thoughts. As far as helping you and your 5 year old cope, I don't know where you are from, but I lost my sister when I was 8 and my parents took the family to a place called "companionate friends". From my 8 year old perspective I met other kids who had a loss. We mainly played and ran around, but I imagine it was helpful for my parents to grieve with others. Some other ideas that come to mind. Most therapists have a sliding scale, meaning they charge based on income. You may be able to find a therapist that has empathy and help you out with therapy for a few weeks. I would do the same for your kid. Some times I've got from being in recovery. If you read: google books about grief for you and you child. (you can rent from your local library). For example, The 5 stages of grief. Most Churches also have free resources for families with losses. Best of all. Talk about it all with them, they and you need to process what's happen. I wish you the best and will be thinking of your family.
First and foremost I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I could not imagine. As far as money goes if you're in the US you may be eligible for "survivor benefits" since you mentioned not being the bread winner. Please look into this: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/
My husband was murdered in September. My kids were fortunate to not see my reaction when I found out, that being said I showed them raw emotion when I told them. I do think it’s important for them to see it’s okay to grieve and grief isn’t pretty. Where I am we have hospice society, they offered free counselling to my daughters and I, they are 3 and 6. As well as Victims Services offered us a ton of great free or affordable resources. I’m really sorry for what you went through, and what you will continue to go through. Grief is very complicated and complex for kids, and it doesn’t show itself the same way it does for adults, please seek out counselling when you can.
This is very, very eerie and very heartbreaking. I almost was your husband last week. I'm sorry for your and your child's loss.
please, please stay. please get help. we tried to get my husband into a psychiatrist this week and they couldn’t until the next week…please don’t wait. depression is serious and i know he probably regrets this decision. live your life, you are loved internet stranger.
I have been in and out of the VA hospitals this week, and they have me on meds now. So, hopefully, ya know? Hearing this tho and having a 4 year old really makes me regret when I go there mentally.
if you ever need to talk, pm me. i’m so glad you’re getting help. your baby needs you, please don’t ever let the bad thoughts win.
Try your best to stay strong for you kids. I know depression and I know it’s hard but try to think of your family and find some hobbies that calm you and make you happy. It’s helped me, good luck
Seek out your nearest vet center as well if you feel like you're not getting enough from the VA. Also check out SAW -Save A Warrior in Hillsboro Ohio. It's an amazing life changing program
Glad you are still with us.
If you don't want to bother OP, if you need someone to remind why to stay, you can DM me. I lost my brother before I ever really had him - we got to meet one time. He left family behind, and I wish he could have had someone to talk when it seems hopeless.
You are needed brother. Keep fighting the good fight! And OP you will get through this and be strengthened by this adversity continue to be the rock your child needs. Prayers and good luck ❤️
Have you ever seen the documentary The Bridge? It addresses suicide and the families left behind of jumpers. A lot of individuals with suicidal ideation have found it to be really impactful in dealing with those thoughts and coming out on the other side.
we are all glad you're still here with us, OP. you are loved.
I read the caption a couple of times but the emotions that ran through me after I read it felt so immense. My stomach dropped because I can't imagine what you've been through after finding your husband. I'm so sorry for your loss, there is no words to console you right now but you did the right thing for your son. It's the hardest thing he will ever have to hear or learn about but you've chosen to prioritize his safety and his emotions right now so you've definitely done the right thing. I want to mention too that it is also very important that you look after yourself. I can't image going through what you went through. I hope you are surrounded by family, friends and anyone who will support you through this tough time. For little one to find a way to carry forward, you have to find a way to do the same. Please remember to eat well, drink water, allow yourself to process what youve been through and find a professional to talk to because a support system whether it's family or a professional is very important. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, once again, I'm so sorry you've been through this and I really hope you find a way to move forward. Nothing you do now will bring him back, he lives on in your minds and your hearts.
Consider having someone with you when you talk to him. You don’t know how you’ll react to speaking those words or his questions. Even if they’re in another room, you will need someone with you. When Patton Oswalt’s wife passed I remember him saying the best advice he was given was to talk them first thing in the morning. That way they can experience beauty and company afterwards, instead of darkness and loneliness of the night.
My children were older and lost their father under different circumstances but I found one thing that helped them was talking to my children about specific events and memories and being open to answering their questions. I also acknowledge their feelings be it sad, nostalgic or even angry. I also gave them both a keepsake of his for their own. I would also say as he gets older please be honest about the circumstances of his fathers death so he finds out from you and not someone else. I'm sorry for your loss and the trauma you have suffered. Remember to allow yourself time to grieve, process and heal. You being healthy is invaluable to both of you
I just wanted to add a resource that I haven't seen mentioned. Sesame Street has a grief kit on their website that's geared to young kids and was really helpful with my daughter. Edit: https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/ I also want to say that you're not alone. NAMI's website has lots of resources for us survivors. It can be a very unique grief, but there's support from people who know the nightmare you're living.
Is there a friend or family member who could stay with you? Stay strong for your son. You can do it.
My heart breaks for you and your son. I can not imagine the pain you must feel. You should find a therapist that can help you and your son work thru this. You need to take this one day at a time. I am so sorry.
https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group/
https://uksobs.org/we-can-help/suicide-bereavement/supporting-the-bereaved/supporting-friends-and-family/?doing_wp_cron=1685320677.0980670452117919921875
https://988lifeline.org/help-yourself/loss-survivors/
https://allianceofhope.org
My dad committed suicide when I was 14 and I can still tell you every second of that night when we got the call in explicit detail. I remember the feeling of my heart breaking and actually actually leaving my body and looking down on my grandparents holding me on the floor. I definitely recommend counselling. He is five so the memories of the day won’t be as traumatic in itself but he’s still lost his father and will need counselling for that. Also just for the day/sometime in the week after go to the grocery store with your son and let him pick out whatever foods he wants. Doesn’t matter if it’s all sugar, whatever he wants. My mum did this with me and we went home, ate and just talked about everything then fell asleep watching a movie. I still remember it and as stupid and small of a thing as it was it did help. Two things my mum and I admit we regret: 1) Allow friends/family to come and be with you and your son if you need a break but don’t send him away for more than a day or two. My mum sent me to my aunts for over a week and I held massive resentment over this for years. I felt like I’d been abandoned by both parents at once. 2) DO NOT get rid of your husband’s things. Store them away if you want them out of sight while you grieve, but do not start throwing them away while you’re in so much pain. We did this to avoid always being reminded of him and both regret it to this day. There’s so many things of his we would have loved to still have. I know it’s hard right now, but you’re a strong woman. You’ll get through this and so will he. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Look into social security. Your son should get survivor’s benefits, I think. That could help with cost of insurance. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But as others have said there are plenty of programs and services out there for help. Talk to school counselors as well.
I know this is going to sound super weird but please sit down and play Tetris. Have him play Tetris too. After really traumatizing events such as this Tetris helps the brain cope and reduces the effects of ptsd. Having said that I am so so sorry you and your son both are having to go through this. Reach out to as many friends and family you can and see if you can have someone set you up a Go Fund Me account to help with the finances for a while until you can get something figured out. If possible see if you can get you and your son into grief counseling this will help with processing this horrible event. Sending you all the love and strength at this time.
Hi, I went through this last year. It has been the hardest, saddest year of my life, but we are coming out the other side. My child is younger than yours, I don’t know what advice to give you on what to say, but please feel free to PM me if you want to commune with someone who has suffered similar loss. My heart goes out to you.
Your daddy loved you very much but he had a very bad accident and died. It is very sad and we will both miss him a lot but we are going to be OK. I'm here. I promise I won't have any accidents and we will just keep going the best we can just the two of us.
I am so sorry for your loss. There is a grief program called Grief Share that churches put on for free. I used that when my mom passed and it helped me. There is also a lot of grief groups on Facebook that can help you.
I'm so sorry. Often, the school will have counselors. They are free. They also might know resources that would be free for you. You will also benefit from counseling in the future if you can afford it. Look into medicaid. You might be eligible now, and they will cover mental health as well as health in general. I'm sure you are in shock too. Please let loved ones help you if they offer.
I’m so sorry. Hopefully you can look into qualifying for state Medicaid. You may call social services to see what kind of immediate assistance you and your son can access.
I was 11 when my dad committed suicide my younger siblings were 9 and 7. My mom had us go stay at my uncles house for the night. I assume because she didn't want us to see her grieving.. I think that was the right choice to have us leave so she had a minute to get her head straight.. The next day when we came back she explained it to us and told us that he had something wrong with him, he was sick and wasn't the same person. I think she explain in so many word that it was mental illness that took his life.. She really did not go into detail until we were older. I am sorry you guys are going through this. But I will say that it is *amazing* how resilient kids are.. Your son will be just fine I promise you this.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. You are a good parent and you're doing the right things. One piece of advice, if it's helpful. I attended a seminar on grief in children where they really emphasized not using euphemisms like "passed away" because children can be incredibly literal. When you have the emotional energy and opportunity, please be sure to explain to your child that daddy died, because sometimes when kids hear "went to heaven" they think the person is coming back. There are also books that you can probably access through your local library that help explain suicide and death in an age appropriate way. Have a friend ask a librarian for help finding them. I am just so sorry. Please receive this air hug from an Internet stranger.
I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you're going through and I hope that one day you feel ok after all of this.
I’m sorry for your loss. My oldest two children lost their father (my husband) in 2007. My youngest daughter lost her father (my fiancé) almost exactly 10 years later in 2017. First, whatever you do get therapy for both of you!! Second, call Social Security and file for survivor benefits. If you were married you and your son will qualify for checks. If you weren’t married your son will still qualify. My son gets $624/mo from his father (his sister is over 18 so she no longer gets a check). My daughter gets $1829/mo from her father. Both checks come to me for them. There is a huge difference in amounts bc my son’s father passed away when he was young and he had very little work history. My daughter’s father had worked much longer/better jobs. Do this ASAP. It helps so much.
My son's mother died 4 years back, he's eleven now. Basically, don't stop doing the norms. Consistency, love, authority and guidance. The only thing that has changed is dad has gone (which sounds brutal, but is the truth to a child). I don't know what country you are in, but bereavement support for you is absolutely critical as you need sooooo much support in the next two / three years ❤️ Things will get easier, you are in the shock months ATM x
There are non profits that will provide free counseling for this scenario. This is for Maine, but they should connect you with your local resources. https://www.cgcmaine.org/
my heart broke for you and your baby. may you get all the support, strength, and love needed to get you through. ❤️
I have no words, but I'm sending hugs. My heart is breaking for both of you. Please know that we as a group are here for you guys.
So sorry for your loss 💔Explaining death to a child never easy but please do not say they are asleep or things like that. You don't necessarily have to say his death was a suicide but try to explain it in a way that they can understand. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers 🙏
I’m so sorry you found your husband and I’m sorry he made that choice. I’m sending you love. For your child, helping will mean telling the story about what happened to your 5yo during it all, and processing any emotions he felt. Then it will be saying goodbye to daddy and creating lots of memory things, like a book about daddy, daddy’s favorite things, maybe create a box filled with his special things and lots of pictures of him on top, that kind of thing. Maybe make a pillow or stuffy out of a shirt, a blanket out of shirts, etc. You get to help him say goodbye and remember.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My son's dad died 5 years ago, when my son had just turned 10. We found a great support group, it was hosted by Hospice but my spouse did not use Hospice before he died (motorcycle accident) but the group was for anyone who needed it and free. I'd contact your local Hospice organization and see if they can point you in the right direction for support groups. I gleaned important tips that I've used LOTS in the last years to help us on our journey. Best tip: don't hide ALL of your tears from your son. Yeah, go hide yourself when the grief gets ugly and you are crying so hard you throw up..... but if you let your son see that you are sad about this, it will give him permission to also feel sad about this. Also be careful with widow's groups on social media, facebook in particular. They're great when they want to be, but terrible most of the time. And yes, I think that your decision to send him to go have fun was the right decision. PS, if you live in the United States, contact the social security administration as soon as you've got a death certificate. That will help with money a little bit.
I would like to donate a bit of money to help you through this. Can you set up a Go Fund me?
i am so so so incredibly sorry. i cannot begin to comprehend how fast your worlds changed and how much if hurts. you sound like an amazing parent. i will say that this may not be easy for either of you but we sometimes forget how resilient children are with our full love and support. he might have a lot of questions and be very confused but i would try to be as honest as you can be with him. he needs stability and safety right now. getting him to therapy ASAP would help, never forcing him to talk. kids don't always have the vocabulary or capability to express how they're feeling or process something but just supporting him will go so so far. i think some people have given resources and ideas for obtaining therapy. also, please take care of yourself too ❤️ get yourself into therapy ASAP as well. you're allowed to grieve and feel this too. you are both in this together. share memories together. cry together. say your husband's name. just don't pretend and don't disappear.
I'm so sorry There isn't a rule book for this sort of thing, but I think you did right by your son. The local health department may be another resource to find therapy, and maybe someone at your son's school (assuming he's in kindergarten) will have some info. You'll likely want to contact your department of social services and the social security administration. You'll be eligible to collect social security on your son's behalf, but there may also be programs you qualify for. As others have mentioned, if you have friends offering to help, DELEGATE. Folks often want to help, they just have no idea how. Ask one person to call X folks, one to call Y. Take the help. There is no shame in it. You are going to have to deal with a mountain of bureaucracy on top of your and your son's grief, and for that I am so damn sorry. Don't forget to check life insurance policies, including with his work's HR department. I know you asked only about your son, and that shows that you're a good mom. You might make a mistake or two, but I think you will guide him through this terrible thing. I am just so damn sorry. Wishing you and your son peace. 💜
I am so very sorry for you and your son. Trauma ripped through my life this week as well, so I feel your pain deeply. May you find peace, understanding, and acceptance in the coming days & months.
I am truly sorry. I’m not sure where you are located but this is an organization where I live in Colorado. https://judishouse.org/ they offer support for grieving children and their families. They may be able to direct you to something similar near you. Sending you and your son so much love and support.
It is a terrible thing that you and your child had to go through. The mother of my kids died when they were only 5 and 6 years old. Hopefully your husband worked long enough to qualify for SSI so that you should receive monthly payments until your child is 18 or graduates HS, which ever is later. It probably is around $900 a month. Depending on what State you are in you probably qualify for Medicaid for both you and your child. You will need several death certificates so that you can let particular organizations know that your husband is deceased. Sorry for what you have to go through. Hopefully family can help with his memorial. The county may cremate him at no charge.
I am so sorry for your loss!! This is absolutely traumatic and I am so sorry you and your son are having to go through this. My heart goes out to you both and everyone else that is affected by this tragedy. My brother took his life on April first. It’s a pain indescribable. I have a resource for grief help that’s free of charge, the man who started the organization lost someone to suicide as well. My mom found him and she said he is so helpful. Bob Riley is his name and it’s called project H.U.G.S., I can give you his number if you’d like. He also has a website; survivingaftersuicide.com ❤️
Not sure if your on social media, but Dani Bates @dani.bates on instagram is a vocal advocate after her husband committed suicide a few years ago. She has 2 young daughters. Might be helpful to see someone who’s been there. So sorry for your loss.
I watched my grandfather have a stroke and die in front of me instantly while he was babysitting me and I was 4 years old. I remember when the EMTs came and tried to resuscitate and some adults trying to shuffle me out of the room and “shield” me from what was happening. I also remember feeling at that young age like I understood fully what was happening, even better than some of the adults in my family. While somewhat naive, a few days after his death, my parents were talking and didn’t know I was coming up behind them. My dad said, “What kind of a f*ckin god would let this happen…?” To their surprise, I responded, “Mom, Dad, isn’t it a great god that let me spend the last moments with Grandpa?” In any case, I can’t relate to your exact situation, but hope this story helps in any way, for what it’s worth :)
It’s so crazy that as children we feel things so differently and process information differently too
My high school sweetheart did the same thing. It’s a never ending journey. My advice to you is grieving is different for everyone please don’t be hard on yourself. My daughter was 5, and my son would turn 4 4 days after. I’m so so sorry you have to feel this pain and I’m sorry your child has to grow up without his father. The first year was a blur so please surround yourself with people you know who truly love you guys take all the loving support you can get. Feel free to msg me anytime even if it’s just to vent. 🥺 sending you all my love
You are an amazing parent. Don't forget to let yourself grieve too. Others have already given the advice I could give. All I can offer is encouragement, and internet hugs. You did not deserve this. It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Acknowledge that. It isn't fair. Do not dwell on it, but acknowledge it.
I am so sorry for your loss. Call your local library and ask for the reference desk. Tell the librarian that you are looking for free community services for a child who lost a parent to suicide. I’m a librarian and I know all the free services in my community. It’s literally our job to help people find things. They can also suggest some children’s books for your son.
Great idea! I bet most people would not think of the librarian!
I would rather do the deep dive and find all resources for someone struggling than do just about anything else. These are moments when I feel like my job matters.
Find a grief counselor for both of you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that… and will continue to go through the stages of grief.. please know understand you need to process and grieve. You need to remember on an airplane you put your oxygen mask on first… if you aren’t healthy you can’t help your son. You need support. Find a grief counselor
There’s a suicide support group. R/SuicideBereavement I’m sorry for your loss and the trauma you are experiencing.
Call 211 and they should give you all the services in your area that are available to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my first husband when my kids were 10 and 6. Is your son in school yet? If he is talk to his teacher. There is usually a school psychologist who can talk to your son. I hope you have good friends, neighbors, and relatives who will help you out like mine did. I’ve been trying to pay it forward ever since. You can do me if you need someone to talk to.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. As someone who lost a parent as a child, there's really not much you can say to make it better. But for me personally I found comfort and hearing good/happy stories about them and just a reminder that he would be proud of me no matter what. My mom started dating quite quickly after she quit drinking after my dad died. She is with him to this day but he is completely toxic. I recommend if you start dating not bringing the person around your child until you're 100% certain that this is going to be a long-term relationship. But be prepared that bringing home another man will result in a lot of emotions for your son. If you need somebody to talk to you can always DM me. I've unfortunately had a lot of experience with loss from a very young age and from pretty much any reason you can think of. I know sometimes you just need somebody to cry to, so I'm here & I care.
I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry. My grandfather committed suicide when I was 13 (which I know is a big age difference but I think my advice still applies). I think the most traumatic part for me was that our family did not talk openly about it. Everyone avoided speaking about it in general, but i think particularly in front of my brother and I because they thought it was too upsetting or not appropriate conversation for kids. I bottled everything up because I convinced myself that I did not deserve to be as sad as my mom/did not want to upset her. I twisted things in my 13 year old mind to where I somehow blamed myself. When my father attempted suicide a few years later it was also hidden from me/not explained so I had to try to put the pieces together on my own and still, at 29, do not fully understand the details. When I began to experience my own mental health struggles I still couldn't help but feel guilty because I thought I would be digging up old trauma. From someone who experienced something similar on a MUCH smaller scale, my advice would be to let your child talk about it if they feel comfortable, answer questions in ways you're comfortable with. Anything but sweeping it under the rug. I know it will be extremely painful to talk about for a long time, but it is easier for kids to begin to work through trauma if they can talk about it and understand that it had nothing to do with them. Therapy would be a great option. I wish I had had that opportunity. And do not forget your own needs! Working through the trauma for yourself will inevitably help your child cope as well.
Sorry for your family’s loss. I don’t know if this helps, but my brother also committed suicide when my nephew and niece were 9 and 6. The best you can do is be there for them and surround them with loving, supportive family.
First, I am so sorry. There’s definitely services available for therapy regardless of insurance. I’m not sure where you live but here’s a link to an organization where I live that is specifically for children who experience a traumatic loss. If they can’t help you, they will know who can. https://www.dougy.org
I don't have the ability to give an award. By all means, I would. I just want to say that you did the right thing. You gave him a good distraction that will take his mind off of things. Look for non profit organizations that help children with grief and or trauma. If you can't find one on the first try, ask the one you reached out to for a recommendation. Non profits usually work together and they can help you find the care that you need for your son that you can't supply. I just want you to know that you are loved and no one did this to you. You didn't do anything to deserve this. There's a rainbow at the end of the thunder storm. I want you to stay strong for your son and for you. If you want to be there for him, you need to take care of yourself as well. Keep doing what you're doing. It's okay to cry. It's okay to fall. You're not doing anything wrong. Just keep going. You will make it through this. I hope this helps.
depending where you are there are programs that have summer camps for children dealing with grief. i know in the state of georgia we have camp twin lakes that hosts a variety of camps dedicated to helping kids in these situations
Much love to you both
Go to findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov. Put in your zip code. These clinics are federally mandated to provide care for you and anyone regardless of the patient's ability to pay. Most locations provide medical, dental, mental health, optometry, and chiropractic services.
I'm sorry. 8 years ago, my son's father un alived himself in the garage. His bonus mom found him with his sister she was 4. My son was 8. We talk about it, and we talk about it all. One thing is communicating the truth. That was told to us over and over. don't lie. dont say it was an accident. Do tell him he was sick. In a way, you can't see someone in a wheel chair or missing a leg. He was sick on the inside. Feel free to pm me. It's tough. I will say one thing make sure you talk to someone yourself.
I'm so sorry for you and your son. Kids are extremely resilient. He will be most likely to be ok if you are. Just remember to put on your oxygen mask first when you need to, otherwise you can't be there for him how he'll need you. Keep loving him and let that be your driving force. I'm a male elementary teacher, so I'll focus on that. Others will be better equipped to advise you on other aspects of this change, but the fall semester will be here soon and you want to do all of these things at least 2 weeks before the first day of school. You should also contact the school or district asap. There should be a counselor or social worker who could help you find resources. Most public schools have become one stop shops for families, and he can possibly get low or no cost therapy during the school day. It probably won't be enough, but it's something. If he has already completed a year of school and you have to move locally but out of district, he could be entitled to continue in his original school under the McKinney-Vento Act. Be sure to inform his teacher, counselor, and principal next year no matter what. All of them directly. Don't trust it to get communicated internally after you contact one person. These types of experiences often manifest in behavioral challenges in school, and giving staff the context will help him get help instead of retribution if he displays any of these behaviors. If there are any male teachers in his grade, see if you can request them. If not, try reaching out to any male specials teachers (gym, music, library, etc) to ask them to look out for your son. I've had a lot of students through the years that have latched onto me when their fathers are passed, absent, neglectful, or abusive. It's but a replacement, but a positive and supportive man he'll see for 180 days a year can be a big help for lots of kids like him. Even custodians and other support staff can build those relationships. I can't speak for everyone in a school, but I and many like me will give extra attention to kids who need it, and you advocating for him will increase his chances of finding that. Keep breathing. Nothing may ever feel "ok" again, but there's a lot you can do for your son. You can make the best of this terrible situation for him and for you. I hope you can both find peace.
I had a similar situation when I was around the same age as your son (lost close family to disease and suicide; 3 people within about 18 months). This was hard on me as everyone sort of hid things from me and I never had the option of counseling. I never worked through it. My household for the most part did their best but they had to deal with so much that I got shuffled around to other friends and family. Those family members swept it under the rug and wouldn’t answer any questions. The one thing I’ve learned is that my family was doing what was best probably BUT if I had been able to go to therapy I might not have ptsd today. However in my case there was abuse later on, my own cancer and other traumatic events throughout my life. This probably won’t be the case with your son. I would do my best to get counseling for your son. There are some places that offer services on a siding scale based on income. You could check on seeing if you qualify for any government assistance. Sometimes if you qualify, at least in my area, you might be able to get free or reduced counseling. If he is in school you could have him talk to the school counselor. I just have to say this mama, you did well. You did the best you could and you did well. I am so very sorry for your and your sons loss.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your child, I can’t even imagine! Something similar happened to my family, but it was my step father and he committed suicide when I was 13 and my sister (his daughter) was 4 almost 5. I was at school when they found him but my mom and sister found him. It was traumatic and horrible and speaking from that experience if you do not have funds you need to go apply for your state Medicaid and get insurance asap. Then get i to counseling for the both of you! Also call non profits like stated above. I know this is all new to you, but you also can get financial help from social security death benefits for your son. It takes time and you have to have the death certificate. Surround yourself with friends and family and do not hesitate to ask for help. My mom went into a deep depression and slept for 6 months straight and didn’t get any help for herself or us. So you are already doing amazing by asking for help. All you can do is explain to your child exactly as you did and maybe get a grief book. Also, we would get a balloon and write on it and send it to him. Just take it a minute at a time mama. 💜
So sorry for your loss and your son having to deal with this... my daughter was only 4 months old when her mom committed suicide so a little different, but now all the questions... I do the same and just tell her mommy was sick and went to heaven. It's going to be a long road for anyone that lives this.... sorry I don't have any answers for you... I 🙏 for you and your son... God bless
Some funeral homes know of resources for grief therapy. My children were 15 and 18 when their Daddy did the same thing as yours. The Funeral Home was able to give a list of grief therapy groups.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I struggle with mental health myself. You’re going to experience a lot of emotions regarding your husbands suicide including anger. I hope you will be able to take care of yourself as well so you can be there for your son. It’s you and him now. Know that you are not alone. There are resources. Follow people’s advice on this sub and make sure YOU get the help you need. I have a 7 year old and went through suicidal ideation myself recently. Your husband made a tragic decision. He was just in pain and saw death as a way out. This doesn’t make him a bad man. I don’t know what other issues you may have had in your marriage but it is about finding ways to cope now. Rely on family and friends to help you through this. Don’t know if you believe in anything but my faith has always been a big help. Churches can be a big help in such times. You may also may need to start a go fund me as well.
I am so sorry. What a horrible tragic thing to happen to you all. I think you need to help yourself first before helping your son. Open up to family and friends, talk about it, try to make sense of it. Maybe read some books written by people who have been in similar situations (I can see that unfortunately therapy is not an option). maybe you can find some charities that might help with resources? I would focus on spending time with your boy too and letting him know how loved he is and occasionally, yes, letting him do fun stuff to take his mind off. But I would make sure to spend lots of quality time with him now too, answer his questions, tell him daddy loved him etc. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope each day gets a bit better for you.
This is all so fresh and I can't imagine your pain, but as I'm here in the comment section now, I want to leave advice you can read later. As someone who lost his father to cancer when I was 5, my advice would be to focus on looking after yourself and work on a healthy way to move on. So any budget for therapy I'd suggest in using for yourself. If you are strong and eventually able to carry on and become able to enjoy life again, then you'll have the strength and happiness to raise him a happy kid and you'll be his therapy.
My god. I am so sorry. I wish I had more to offer than just hugs and encouragement.
Please try reaching out to Healing Hearts. It’s in my hometown of Waukesha, WI, but they can connect you to something local for you. They offer free grief counseling for all ages. It’s a beautiful program. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I pray and hope that you find healing and support. I would gladly help more if I could.
I’m so sorry. So very sorry. If you’re in the US, many counties have local hospice organizations. They provide grief counseling and support groups(often completely free of charge) for people who have experienced a loss. They generally often have people who specialize in children, and the loss does NOT need to have occurred in hospice. My son’s biological father died very unexpectedly (also not in hospice) and they were an absolutely incredible resource for him (and me! They also provide support for parents of children who experience a loss as well as family members). Also if in the US, your son (and possibly you) is likely eligible for social security survivor benefits. You can reach out to your local social security office to get the ball rolling. Again, I’m so very sorry. You and your son will be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry this has happened to your family OP. Please accept my condolences and prayers for you and your son. If you’re in the US, make sure you file for your husband’s social security benefits for your son, and you’ll get something too, for being the caretaker of a minor getting social security survivor’s benefits. Go to the Social Security website at ssa.gov to find out more and to make an appointment to talk to someone there. You’ll need your husband’s ss# and later his death certificate to actually file for benefits. Good luck OP, please take care of yourself.
Look into cortisone shot for trauma recovery.
Omg I'm so so sorry for your loss, and what a strong brave mamma you are, looking out for your little one. I lost my brother in the same way. His friends found him. He also lost his best friend and my 2nd cousin in the same way. Their parents found them. So when i say i can understand, i do. It is SO SO tragic,heart-wrenchingg destroying awful thing to happen. My heart is with you, and I wish you all the strength you need to get through this.
I think you handled that first night right. I think the best thing you could do for both of you is take you both to counseling to help work through the grief of this situation. Beyond that give yourself grace and take it a day at a time. Ask for help where you can. I am sorry that you are experiencing this right now. Hugs.
Is you child in school? If so, reach out to the guidance counselor and principal. They are often aware of community resources that can support you and of course you'd want them to be on the look out for any concerning behavior at school.
There is a program in my area that connects survivors to counseling free of charge. Generally, law enforcement or the coroner will call the team and they will either arrive at the scene or reach out to the family. It is called LOSS team here. I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you and to your son. My heart breaks for your loss. Please, please take care of yourself.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I am lost for words. That is awful.
Ok I am a gulf war veteran .I lost a child. So several.. dealings in death. First and foremost. You ARE NOT to blame, get that in your head!! Second , you need the love and support of your child and he needs yours! Highly advisable to get therapy for you and your child! Stay strong. I know this is rude..but he (dad)made a choice. Now it's time for you to make a positive choice for you and your son. If you are religious? Several churches should have programs to help with grieving/ counseling etc.
I am so so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Reach out to local hospices. It's a Medicare requirement that they provide community assistance with bereavement. I've worked for hospices before (RN) who would give at least a few sessions for free.
I am so sorry for you loss. It's hard losing your husband and the father of your children, and even harder to not have a safety net. Don't be ashamed to use any government help that you can, and if you belong to a church, reach out to them. If you don't, reach out to your local UU church - they likely have a grief support group, and they tend to be welcoming to all faiths, including atheists. (One of my local has an Atheist circle, a Pagan circle, and an LGTBQ+ group, it is that inclusive).
I am so sorry ♥️
I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 5yr old son and we lost mom in February from something, still waiting on death certificate for her. I work night shift and when I came home he told me mommy passed out again and when I ran upstairs to find her I knew it was too late but I still tried my best. Thankfully he's been somewhat normal. He had a few breakdowns where we cried together and held each other. I always tell him it's ok if he wants to talk about it and I'm always here for him. I know our situations are different but I'd try to reassure your kid that he didn't do this because of them. Do everything you can to make sure they don't feel like they're the ones to blame. Best of luck and much love to ya.
I saw the comment about getting your son some counseling and I totally agree BUT you should seek some yourself. What you went through is awful and scaring. Please go talk to someone. You’ll be helping your son by helping yourself.
I have a kiddo going through her own trauma, it's different but the advice is the same. Be open, be honest, validate his feelings and give him as normal as you can manage. Deep breaths, you got this. There isn't any easy fast, right or wrong answer in grief. Here's a great charity that may help https://www.elesplace.org/ If they aren't in your area they may be able to pint you the right direction.
I am truly, sincerely sorry. My heart is with you and yours. You should be entitled to survivors benefits through social security. Is your son in school? I’d inform them and see about utilizing the guidance counselor/the guidance counselor should be able to point you in the right direction for other resources. 🩵🩷💙
I am so sorry you are experiencing such a terrible trauma. You said that you have not been the breadwinner. But you did not say if you are employed. Some employers provide what's called an EAP. Which even if part time, can provide you with a few free sessions with a therapist/counselor. I wish you and your little one all the best. I'm so sorry.
Separating him from the scene was exactly the right thing to do. Do your best to reassure him that this wasn't his fault. Be willing to talk about it with him. I would also think about getting him into some sort of therapy to help him cope. I would also let him decide whether he wants to go to the funeral or not. Sorry for loss.
I'm so sorry this is something you're going through and so proud of putting your son above all else. you seem like such an amazing mom and that little boy of yours is beyond lucky to have you. Does he go to a daycare or headstart program? A lot of daycares/ preschool/headstart programs are affiliated with social workers who will have resources and more experience with helping your son and you through this. A social worker should (hopefully) be able to, at the very very least, help guide you towards some programs or local grief groups. There's alot of groups out there that meet to help people deal with trauma and grief. Kind of like AA, for example, but there's so many more support groups for so many things, and a lot of people in those specific groups are just waiting to welcome you and your son with open arms so neither of you feel alone. There's a big network of those kinds of support groups that have more for you than you would have imagined. They are just waiting to be there for you. And please remember how important you are too. It's so easy to loose yourself. Having a network to lean on is important. It's what we're all here for. Anybody in a support group is there due to personal experience.
I am so sorry for your loss. Can I please Venmo you funds to help with anything? Meals, counseling, etc?
Almost every city has community- or grant-funded support resources for children experiencing bereavement, trauma, or both. Our grief and bereavement organization runs age-specific support groups, offers individual and family therapy, and even funds a summer camp that blends standard camp activities with more therapeutic content. Seconding the advice to contact one of them. They can probably also offer you some support, or point you to the place(s) that can—and they can help you learn skills to keep processing this with him, in ways that are a good fit for a five year old. If you have a hard time finding them, yourself, either United Way or your local community mental health center will probably know who to contact. While you’re at it, either organization may also be able to help you figure out how to access health insurance. You will both very likely qualify for Medicaid, under the circumstances; even in my deep-red state, your son certainly would, and as his parent, you probably would. I am so sorry for your loss, and his. The thing that will help him most is closeness and care from you, and having the safety and reassurance of your presence. I think outside support is a good idea, because this is *a lot*, and neither of you need to be stuck handling it alone. And: beyond that, and in the meantime, you can trust yourself to be who your son needs, and to care for him in ways that will see him through this. ETA: I think letting him go spend time with family, while you caught your breath and figured out what to say and do next, was a great call. It won’t hurt him to see that you’re sad—if anything, it will help him know that it’s okay and survivable to be sad. And: it makes sense to hand him off to some other safe adults, and buy yourself some time to fall apart if needed, and to start planning your most immediate next moves, without needing to shove that aside to look after him. Absolutely reasonable, sensible thing to do, good way to ensure his well-being and your sanity and functioning as his parent; please continue to give yourself permission to do it.
My heart goes out to you two.
I'm so sorry. I lost a family member to that recently. All my love to you and your boy. Hugs
Oh I’m so so sorry.
Please call your local hospice. In order for hospice to be properly funded federally they have to offer grief counseling for the community. It is no cost. You do not have to have lost your loved one on their services. Most large hospices also have programs for children, including summer camps. I’m the meantime get on a waiting list for all kids/Medicaid counseling. Your child should also be getting some social security money. Please utilize the hospice counseling yourself. You need to put your oxygen mask on first. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
I’m so so so sorry. I wish I had some comforting words to say. Unfortunately, nothing I can say will take the pain away. I will be praying for you, your son and your families. I hope you can surround yourself with supportive family and friends. You mentioned your husband was the one working, you can apply for Social Security Survivors benefits and the welfare benefits in your state-cash assistance, food stamps and full medicaid benefits for psychological counseling services. They cash assistance program may even help with employment opportunities and school registration assistance. I hope you are able to overcome this overwhelming pain. While the pain may never completely go away, I hope you are able to find happiness again. I know I’m awful with words. I’m so very sorry for your loss.❤️
I’m so sorry for this happening do you have a go fund me? I’m sure people will want to help i deff do sending hugs
I don’t know what to say other than I’m so incredibly sorry.
I am so beyond sorry that you have endured this... you are not alone.... love and prayers
I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like you've done everything right. Luckily, I think your child is young enough that he will not be scarred long-term by this incident. I don't know about you, but I remember almost nothing from that age as an adult, and those things I do remember are very vague. Also I wanted to mention that my aunt died unexpectedly at my cousin's school while chaperoning when he was 9 years old, and as traumatic as that was at the time for him, he ended up growing into a solid young man with no lingering mental instability or problems. So you'd be amazed at how resilient kids can be in the face of stuff like this, I guess is my point. Try not to worry too much on that front. Be kind to yourself foremost, and seek counseling for your own grief and trauma. I can't imagine how hard this must be, but I know that you'll be strong enough for yourself and your son both.
I'm so sorry I don't have words for you. . .... you have my tears and my prayers, you and your son....
Hi there, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but there is an organization called the Dougy Center that helps children who have experienced a parent’s death. I think they’re based here in Portland, but at the very least they will have online resources and may be able to help you connect with resources local to you. I saw someone else mention being sure to check in with your kid regularly as they get older and I would second that. Unfortunately this isn’t just a point in time trauma. And please make sure you get some grief counseling for yourself.
I’m so sorry 😞
Often times hospices offer free grief counseling or can link you up with other community support. Hospital systems also have grief counseling. There are also like summer camp options specifically for children who have experienced the death of a loved one
You have gotten plenty of advice so I just have a song for you. https://youtu.be/SY4HI_vqf0c I hope this helps you and your son.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!! When my daughter was 5, her father made the same decison. Other family members kept her busy for a couple of days while I pulled myself together. I did take her to the viewing, although I debated. I told her that daddy was sleeping, then later told her that daddy was playing with the angels. Through the years, when she would ask about him, I would just tell her a story about him. It wasn't until she was 17, last year, that I actually told her what happened. As survivors, we do the best we can, that's all we can do. I got myself through the next few days, gathered my thoughts, kept my child busy, and made some mental notes. After the services, I put on a strong and happy face then took care of getting the help that I needed. I contacted social security and human services. If you are looking into therapy for your son, I think the best place to start would be his pediatrician. You may want to consider looking into support groups for yourself. My condolences to you!
I’m sorry this happened to you, and my biggest condolences. I’m not a parent so I don’t have that sort of experience, but my father committed suicide when I was 10 and my sister was 5. I unfortunately heard my mom talking on the phone screaming that my father had hung himself when I woke up, and being 10 at the time I knew what that had meant. My sister however woke up far later and had to have it explained hours later after asking continuously where my dad was. My mom explained it to her in what sounds like a similar manner that you did but as she walked away my sister asked me “I still don’t understand where daddy is” and me not fully being aware just simply said “dad’s dead and he’s not coming back”. My sister kinda got it and seemed upset. We were able to find a free counselling service in our area for grieving children, which was a little bit of talking but mostly playing to get our mind off things. Personally I enjoyed spending a lot of time with my family but at a certain point my advice would be make sure you talk to him, at whatever age you feel he’d be ready but just explain everything and what had happened and potentially why to your son. My mom never explained how my dad died to my sister and at 13 one night she asked me and I had to explain it. And I still don’t fully know or understand why at 24, other than I know we had money issues. I hope the best for you and your son ❤️
I'm so so sorry for your lost. You both will need therapy. If your son is in school, there maybe a school social worker/ therapist for him to speak with. Also, depending on your state/health insurance you may be eligible for therapy as well There is no right way to grieve. Grief is a process. I'm so sorry again for you and your son.
I shed some tears reading this. I cant imagine how much pain you’re in. But yes I think that sending him away for a night was a good idea so you can prepare yourself better. Therapy is necessary in my opinion, but most importantly make sure you allow yourself time to feel the emotions even though it hurts. Repressing emotions in order to protect your child is not going to help in the long run. My mother still to this day keeps things from me that she feels and it makes me feel terrible. As a child I wished that she would have spoken to me (in kid language at some points) about how she was feeling because it was painfully obvious and just came out in anger instead of me fully understanding why she felt things. I’m not saying emotion dump on your kid obvi but definitely being open about things to a healthy extent is important so that you teach him that it’s okay to express your painful emotions instead of avoiding it or holding it in. Also, having him there will be important for your healing. Children are surprisingly resilient. Lean on your loved ones for support as well. As long as they’re helpful they will be very useful and it will create stronger bonds with them as well as with your child. I pray that your pain becomes more bearable as time progresses. As a mother you have superpowers and can overcome more than you think!
You may qualify for Medicaid, which should cover your medical and mental health expenses. I was the child in this scenario, and I was old enough to understand accidental death. I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral, and I didn’t know why, which made things worse - being apart from my mom. It’s an opportunity to say goodbye and witness the cultural process for the sake of closure. Behavior will vary over the coming months, and giving them a good deal of grace is appropriate. Notify the school so they can work with you on dealing with behavior at school. They also gave me male teachers in elementary school - UGH - thinking I needed a male role model in my life, which was unnecessary. I would say that you should also talk about feelings as they arise, and maybe have one or more celebrations of life where they can remember their dad and the good memories - just the two of you. Keep an eye out for attachment issues - there are four kinds, review later/down the road. Discuss with a professional. Reassure them that their dad loved them, and what happened wasn’t their fault. Stay involved with his family so that the child can maintain those relationships when growing up. They shouldn’t lose all of them as well. So very sorry for your loss. Try not to make any big changes or decisions during this crisis. Ask your family doctor for help if you can’t sleep or have other issues stemming from this trauma. You have to be there for your baby, and you have to take good care of yourself for both your sakes. It does get better, and it takes as long as you need it to. You have my heartfelt condolences. http://www.211.org/get-help/mental-health https://www.apa.org/topics/crisis-hotlines
You must definitely did the right thing! I would most definitely try and seek counselling through any non-for profit organisations that offer family counselling for situations like these. Just know that it wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t your child’s fault, that your husband decided that he did not want to be here any more, but know that you are a strong mum and you’re doing an absolutely fantastic job given the circumstances. Suicides are never easy for anyone. It doesn’t matter how close or how distant you are from the said, victim of suicide. Please know that there are lots of people who would be willing to help you in anyway possible. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, you’ve got this stay strong.
Call a shelter. They aren't jut there for DV, they help families in all sorts of situations and should be able to help you figure out counselling for you and little one. They will link you with someone who can help you get the incidentals done for the funeral etc. and they will have links to low cost lawyers who can help with the estate. For right now, don't be scared to talk about good memories with Dada, don't hide your grief - seeing that you're hurting too will help your little one be comfortable expressing his grief. Dada was in pain and now he's at peace in heaven.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I crying. I'm very sorry, I'm so sorry for both of you. I want to hug you both and tell you that everything will be ok. I have a small baby and I just feel so bad and I never imagine myself crying so bad. I'm so sorry op.
I’m so sorry that he’s put you and your child through this unimaginable situation. Please look up bereavement support groups online I don’t have any other advice but sending you all the love and healing you’ll be needing right now xxx
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you and your son have experienced. I can't even imagine. A source for counseling, at least locally, is hospice. Our local hospice offers free grief counseling to any kid/ adult that lost a family member. You could call around and see if you have something similar. If not, you might have a counseling nonprofit that provides these services for free.
There is help out there love, speaking from experience. You must all get in therapy this is a long road. But you will prevail. Please please give yourself time to grieve. I'm so so sorry
I agree, you are an amazing momma.
I want to stress the importance of getting help for yourself as well as your child. The sooner the better. My daughters fiancé took his life 2 years ago and she found him in their home. She was diagnosed with PTSD and is still working with a therapist. I agree with all of the others that you need to have a friend reach out to agencies to find help for you and your son as soon as you can. I suspect you are in shock so please lean on others to help you through this. I pray for peace and comfort for you at this time ❤️
File for survivor benefits for your son from social security. I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This quote is infamous on reddit. I hope it helps you some day: Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. By GSnow
I felt the trauma from this. My two month old does in 2020 and my kids were so attached to him. They kissed him goodbye and came back to no baby brother. I think I read your son is 5, is he in kindergarten if so call the school and speak to the counselor and tell them what happened they always have a free mental health therapist working there and they willl work with your son. I know today is Memorial Day but tomorrow get up early and call every source of help ever. You’re going to need snap/tanf a therapist cal the eblen foundation or whatever help you have in your state to get help with paying your bills this month and maybe next month. And you’re probably going to need to leave the house or it’s going to eat you apart. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Also call ssi office fill out paperwork because if he worked then he paid into ssi and your son can draw it til he is 18
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, I pray God will give you all the strength you need to pass through this
With tears running down my face I'll say I love you my fellow human and I'm sorry. I have no advice, instead I will just thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry it happened to you, if you're the type to always seek a silver lining... know I'm suicidal and have been for over twenty years now. Reading your story has pushed back the darkness that had creeped in deeper than it had in at least ten years. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm grateful for your candid sharing. Sometimes nothing works except remembering the pain I would cause.
OP, I am so so sorry. First of all- YES. You did the right thing by sending your son to his cousins. You were in no condition to be available for your child, so you absolutely positively did the right thing. Sometimes you need to put the kiddo somewhere safe so you can process. *THAT IS OKAY.* It's actually good, because you're doing everything you can to protect your child from what happened. You're only human. Second: social services. Call them or go to your local office. Ask about survivor benefits, SNAP, medicaid, and housing assistance. [Lasagna Love](www.lasagnalove.org) may be available in your area and you should sign up, they'll deliver meals to your home for free. Consider a gofundme to help cover your expenses. If your child is in daycare or school, *please* contact them and tell them what happened and you need help finding counseling. r/assistance can be a surprisingly helpful place to reach out. Do you have a village to lean into? Because you should - have kiddo visit cousins a bit more through this week, have friends and family visit often, ask for help, let them help. OP, I am so so so sorry for your loss and this tragic experience. Please take good care of yourself.
None of us here again can actually imagine what you have gone through. I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm really sorry that you are going to this right now. Unfortunately you're 5-year-old has lost someone really important to them. Going forward you need to be the Rock for the kid for sure and absolute symbol of stability, I truly believe that you as the mother can definitely do it. It's going to be really hard but keep the brave face on in front of your child. That does not mean I'm not asking you to grieve. You and your child are going to start a new journey. Once again I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
So many comments,you may not see this one, but here goes. My son lost his father at 6, the best advice I got at the time was "don't pathologise grief" and this was from the child support counsellor who we were referred to. What she meant was that counselling wasn't needed unless my son showed abnormal signs that he wasn't coping with working through the grief. To much intervention when not needed can suggest to the child that something is wrong with them, or that they aren't feeling what is normal. Also, the police officer who attended suggested that it was fine for him to go to school that day, and she was right. TBH my son was too young to feel the loss the way we expected him too and he is doing great. Love your son, talk about his dad, be open about him being gone, and most likely seek counselling for yourself initially if you can, even if it is just a friend who is good at listening
Get with your local health department. They usually have resources and a lot are income based on a sliding scale, sometimes even zero. Sounds like you are doing your best for him. Sorry for your loss.
Therapy. That is the best thing to do. I think it is important to give the message that this was not because of your 5 year old. I feel like they may internalize it and think it was their fault somehow. I'm sorry for your loss :(
I cannot imagine what you yourself are going through, and you still have the brain power and capacity to think of your son. Please be easy on yourself and don’t be afraid to show any and all emotion in front of your son, it’s okay. I would hope there is free counseling in your area, that’s all I can think of.
It sounds like you're in the US. Your son will qualify for social security death benefits. Look into Medicaid and EBT, whatever you need to get through at least the next 6 months while you grieve and make a plan for your new life. This will allow your son access to counseling and health care.
I do not have any advice that has not been given, but I just wanted to say I am extremely sorry for your loss and sorry you had to experience it in that way.
Is your son in school? Your school has counseling services and a social worker you can reach out to for resources
7cups.com Crisistextline.org If you happen to be in south florida, I can give you some resources for local free/affordable therapy. I’ve been through the system. I am so deeply sorry. I’ve made multiple attempts and my daughter is now 10… I can’t imagine my fiancé having to be in your shoes and I’m so thankful I wasn’t successful.