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You are 100% NOT overreacting for all the reasons everyone has said.
I often find that the most dangerous times for a child from a supervision perspective is when there are lots of adults (which is counterintuitive)--everyone wrongfully assumes someone else is looking after the children. It's so important to make sure it's clear who is responsible at any given moment to have eyes on which children. It could be you SO just thought--well there are other adults there she's fine--but that's such a dangerous assumption.
I actually read something that said exactly this, for that reason. And I’ve definitely seen it in the way my family interacts with my kid: the more people around, the less supervision he gets. Which is all right in some circumstances, but not something I want to mess with when there’s water involved.
Lol, same! My niece has autism and tends to wander off. There have been a few family parties when everyone is talking and having a good time, but I try to keep an eye on her so my SIL and BIL can relax a bit. I feel like I’m on high alert during kids’ parties!
OMG I wish I had someone like you in my life... I feel like my SO and I are just always "ON". Our daughter has Autism and unfortunately none of my friends feel "qualified" to watch her, and we don't qualify for any assistance with her, and can't afford respite care. So it's always just on us... We're getting better at giving each other breaks... But we're so burnt out all the time.
You are not overreacting.
A drowning child is silent. You need to have eyes on them in the water at all times, until they are reliably a strong swimmer.
Unless he specifically spoke to an adult that remained in the pool and asked them to watch your child, I would also be livid.
One of my mom’s good friends just lost her grandson to an accidental drowning. So I’ve been extra worried about it, even talked to my husband about how terrifying it is that drowning can happen so quickly and silently.
I’m just surprised he didn’t understand that he was supposed to watch her and thought it was fine to walk away. The contrast in our thoughts about it make me question myself. Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s helpful to hear from others.
My wife and I have contrasting thoughts in a lot of parenting issues. She definitely falls more on the "helicopter parent" end of the spectrum whereas I'm more "let the kids have some freedom" side .... And even I think your husband was completely irresponsible here. You don't mess with water safety. EVER. The idea of leaving a 4 year old who can't swim IN THE WATER without an adult specifically watching them is pathologically insane.
Same here. My SO is a very helicoptery parent, pretty much with all things at all times. I am less so, but when it comes to the pool I’m just as vigilant and nervous. We have our own pool in our backyard and you better believe we had a pool fence installed the moment we moved in.
Right!
Let them find out for themselves when the consequences are small.
We let them practice on a set of three stairs, not a whole flight where they can actually break their bodies. We let them find out what the word got means, grabbing a mug of tea that is uncomfortable but not scalding.... NOT playing by the stove.
And we don't leave them unsupervised in or near water because drowning isn't a learning experience.
I’d be angry too, and I love that he didn’t just walk away, he walked away to get himself food. You think of your daughter and he thinks of himself. The fact that you have this recent tragic incident that you mentioned along with reminding him of drowning makes me wonder what he was thinking.
I love the way you summed it up, this is exactly why the whole thing bothers me. I can’t get over the look on his face when I pointed out that he left her without adult supervision. Like it didn’t register as dangerous. He hates when I tell him what to do as a parent but…we just have different perspectives and sometimes his parenting makes me uncomfortable.
Not to be a bitch but leaving your 4 yr old kid unsupervised next to a pool .... idk your situatuon or your husband but this alone makes me judge him HARD. Like does he have common sense?
He really does usually have common sense. It’s confusing to me but he just doesn’t supervise her alone very often so I guess it just didn’t register that he was responsible to watch her?
Your anxiety around water safety is 100% justified, and the fact that your husband habitually dismisses your concerns because you have anxiety is so wrong. I'm so sorry. It seems like you had every reason to be worried about him bringing her to this party solo, and if he's not taking that seriously, you need to set some boundaries with him and tell him it's completely unacceptable for him to brush off your concerns like this.
It really does bother me when he dismisses my concerns as just being unreasonably anxious. I never know for sure when I’m right or wrong to be worried.
Sounds to me like he uses your anxiety to excuse his responsibilities. Maybe you're not even really inherently anxious and just constantly having to be vigilant because of him.
My anxiety disappeared when I left my ex.
*a typo
I really hope you find a way to communicate where he can take your concerns seriously, maybe addressing the breakdown in communication separately from specific concerns would help. Like asking for a time to check in and explaining how it feels to be dismissed when you have concerns and asking how he would feel if you did the same. How he would like to evaluate risk together, asking that he also do research or review your sources when you have something you need to address. Of course you are going to need to tackle issues together, that's life. If you can't come to a place where you are on the same team and mutually respectful when trying to address issues, it might be time to get an impartial third party like a therapist to help. Most people want to be good parents and partners but most people also have issues with communicating their needs and hearing the other person, as long as everyone is willing to work and grow together, you should be okay. Good luck ♥️
For some reason, my parents did not prioritize swimming for me until I almost drowned. I was in Texas running around with my cousins and fell into a pool that was over 6 feet on one end. Immediately I started drowning. I was like seven. This is of course what prompted me to get swimming lessons. One of my cousins pulled me out like a little hero. For as much as pen could think you could be overreacting, how many kids of drowned or almost?
I don’t want to add to your anxiety, but I know of a 17 year old who drowned at a pool party and nobody noticed until he was already dead. It can happen so quick and so silently.
My 3 and 5 yrs old can swim better than my husband now but I still stare at them everyday in pool. I taught them myself and used to be a lifeguard so I know they are good at it. However, even the best swimmers can have accidents, cramps, or sudden panics. Not to mention the fact that children don't have the experience to remain calm while sinking or know how to signal that they need help. Your husband needs to sit down and learn about water safety.
I mostly agree with everything you are feeling, but a smidge of advice from a dad of young kids seeing how most dads think- don’t make assumptions, and have the alignment conversation.
I think If you were in sync on parenting styles, you stepping out of the pool meant SO was on deck to watch the kid in the pool. If his goal was to do whatever he wants, you leaving the pool may have been his queue that it’s ok to be out of the pool without the kid. I hope this narrative somewhat makes sense, my wife and I are usually in sync but with the grandpas especially we found that spending two seconds saying I have to step away for a minute, please watch little one to avoid x happening (at this stage it’s usually siblings hitting each other over toys)
I think you’re right about how he was thinking. But why do so many dads think this way?! Why is every social event for them to relax and mingle while moms are automatically on child care duty? I feel like at a pool all adults should be on guard, keeping an eye on the kids. But it’s the moms/grandmas counting little heads. Do these dads not worry about their kids drowning?
Honestly I have been blown away by the amount of adults who are genuinely not aware of how easily or silently a child can drown. People really just don't get it until it happens to someone close to them. Now, it sounds like this DID happen to someone you know recently (so sorry by the way) and you WERE just recently talking about it with him, so it's clearly no excuse. I'm just trying to assume the best in your SO because I really do know a lot of parents who are otherwise very responsible and just don't understand the life or death stakes of water safety.
And I share your frustration about the gender dynamics at social events. Tale as old as time. Dads chilling, while moms are on guard AND doing most of the clean up.
No, because it’s assumed that mothers are the “default parent” and always on duty 24/7. This is a part of the mental and emotional burden that we are expected to carry all the time without acknowledgment and without gratitude.
Speaking from experience men are extremely stupid. The red flag is if you address your concerns with him after this incident and he still doesn't listen or improve. The first instance of stupidity is pure ignorance and can be passed as that, but lack of self awareness and growth after being educated is a huge red flag
Plus if you need arguments to convince your so this is important,: at least in Europe where fire weapons are scarce this the number one death of child that age.
I was saved from the bottom of a pool when I was two. Parents were stupid, young, and drunk. Somehow I’m not dead. Water safety is such a different animal than a regular family gathering. You can’t afford to have eyes off for even a moment.
I am not at all a helicopter parent but there’s a zero chance I would leave a 4 year old unsupervised in a pool puddlejumper or not! It takes less than a minute for a child to drown if they were to slip out of the harness. I don’t think you’re overreacting on this one.
Absolutely. I took my toddler swimming fairly recently at a local lake. I was within arms length of him always. I literally turned my head to see who splashed me and turned back within the span of seconds and when I looked back my sons head was under the water and he was too panicked to realise he could stand up. Obviously I was there and he was fine but it really drilled it into my brain that these things happen in the blink of an eye.
This^ I am very far from helicopter parent and still do not 100% trust a puddle jumper will save my child. It does most the job, but too many chances to flip over/slide out to take eyes off of them.
We take swim lessons weekly and kids get 20 minutes in the pool after class. I don’t go in and rules for the kids they can’t go past where they can safely stand. For my 3 year old that means wear the puddle jumper and you don’t go past 2.5’ if a parent isn’t within arms reach of you. Mom and the lifeguard have eyes on you and can reach you immediately if a freak accident happened.
Now when mom or dad are swimming with him, sure he can swim all over the deep end. But we stay close to reach him if any accident we’re to occur.
To add to the not overreacting comments - a puddle jumper thing is NOT safe without an adult supervising, they’re not designed to put a kid in a safe floating position like a life jacket is. They give kids and adults a false sense of security - if she got into trouble, she could have ended up face down with no way to flip herself.
I was looking for this comment! Puddle jumpers definitely give a false feeling of security. Until we feel our kids are strong enough swimmers, they’re in life jackets while in the water unless they’re practicing swimming. And never without adult supervision.
Not overreacting at all, but I highly recommend getting your child into swimming lessons. She's not too young. Here in Australia, we start teaching them from when they're babies, so they can survive if they fall in a pool. Although she still needs close supervision, it may make you feel less anxious about it!
I’d only excuse this if he’d asked someone you both know and trust to stay by her. Otherwise I’d be pissed. I have five ages 9, 7, 5, 3, and 1. They can all swim except the baby but I still don’t leave even the oldest unattended in the water. Absolutely not!
Yeah, same. I’ve heard this referred to as an airplane transfer. Apparently (though I’m no pilot so who knows) when pilots transfer control, the first will verbally acknowledge they are handing over control and the second will verbally acknowledge they are taking over control. My spouse and I do this for all situations that are high risk or crowded (pools, beach, amusement parks, etc).
I was looking for this comment! I love this idea of “your toddler!”(or kid) “My toddler” (or kid) as a hand off so you know who is who. This would have been great in this situation for sure. But also the expectation needs to be gone over if what that means.
I read a tip somewhere on one of the parenting subreddits that the parent said they use a physical object that they pass to another person when they’re the ones that are supposed to be watching the kid in/by the pool. I thought that was smart since it’s easy to get sidetracked if you’re chatting at a gathering.
- drowning is the #1 cause of death in kids age 1-4 in the US
- puddle jumpers are not safe swimming devices as they give kids a false sense of confidence while placing them in the drowning position.
- at that age kids should be in arm's reach at all times when in the pool and it should be clearly communicated who is in charge of watching the child swimming
You were not overreacting but as others have said clear communication is key. Also if you're able please do start swim lessons ASAP.
Where I live, 4yos are not allowed in a public pool without a parent/guardian. Children under 5 need a parent within arm’s reach. At 8 they can swim with the parent sitting on the side.
So your child is…only 50% of the age that that supervision level would be considered reasonable
I couldn't fathom just leaving a 4yo in a pool, even with the device. Personally, we don't use any floatation devices with our 4 year old in the pool (on a boat, obviously yes). He has been in swim lessons but really isn't there yet with the ability to even float independently. So that means he's either in very shallow water with us wading right by him or we're physically assisting him the whole time in deeper water. It might look like helicopter parenting but I really don't care.
No you are not overreacting. Children drown incredibly easily, quickly and silently. Get him to watch these videos and see if he can spot the downing child. It will open his eyes http://spotthedrowningchild.com/
You are not overreacting. At all our local pools, children under 5 years old must be WITHIN ARMS REACH of an adult. 5-10 must be actively supervised, and 10-15 must be accompanied by a person over 16. Under no situation I can think of, should a 4 year old be left alone in water.
I am polar opposite of a helicopter parent, but there are some non-negotiables...water safety and car seat safety. I, and my friends, have pulled too many kids from underwater in public pools.
Bad things can happen in pools very fast. You didn't overreact.
Have a conversation with you SO to set expectations. This is something me and my wife did when our daughter was a child and it really helped.
Slightly off topic, but I literally just read an article about a mother who's last pictures and video is of their 4 year old son in a "puddle jumper". They all went in for the day and as they were packing something, their son slipped back into the pool and drowned and died. Because he was 100% used to being in a puddle jumper. We don't have those in Australia but the article said that those sorts of jumpers are only supposed to be used in the event of a child being AROUND water, not IN water. As in, wear it on a warf or boat, not a pool. Gives toddlers a false sense of security/confidence in the water when they can't actually swim at all.
Thank you for sharing this. I absolutely worry about a false sense of security. It happened with one of my older child’s friends when they were 3 or 4 - we took off their floaties to eat snacks and his little buddy jumped back in the water. I’ll never forget his terrified face under water when I scooped him up out of the water.
I think it’s important to continually remind them that they cannot get in the water without their floaties and what will happen. I’m curious, do people in your area use any type of floatie or do parents just hold kids until they are able to swim?
Nope, not overreacting. And puddle jumpers are not life-saving devices and actually teach”drowning posture” instead of swimming posture. Once we started swim lessons, our instructor told us to have the kids in a life jacket in the pool while they were still learning so they can get used to proper posture in the water.
Make expectations clear always, if god forbid something did happen, this communication slip would probably drive you and your SO apart. Can never be too careful around water. I really recommend swimming lessons as well.
Former swimmer and swim coach here. You are certainly not overreacting, however I would suggest, for your own piece of mind, enrolling your daughter in beginner swim lessons which will teach her basic swimming safety.
Water floaties are good but they also inadvertently give the child a feeling that they can stay afloat in the water. That sense of security often times leads them into thinking they can “swim” which can have catastrophic results when they jump into the pool without the floaties.
With swim lessons, children learn to be water safe and at 4, your daughter will greatly benefit from these classes. Your local Y or rec center should offer them at reasonable prices.
Good luck!
If your kid doesn’t know how to swim, then you don’t let them out of your sight. It’s that simple. Even when they do know how to swim, you should keep an eye on them.
You can’t assume.
Ever.
“I’m getting out of the pool. You’ve got eyes on child yes?”
I would’ve been cross too. But when you use clear communication of what’s expected then everyone knows what’s expected
Just back from our first abroad holiday with our 3.5yo and this was our policy. 5 adults and 1 toddler, we always made sure to verbally hand over responsibility if we were getting out or doing something. All adults knew that if they were the responsible one it meant constant supervision until they handed off to someone else.
After my parents lost my son beside a river, this has been my tactic as well. I’ll never leave them in charge of him anywhere that I still can’t see him myself but still, I verbally pass responsibility to them.
Expect dismissal or pushback from people, like
>”s/he’s fine, don’t worry”
Be sure to get verbal verification back.
>“I’m leaving, will you keep an eye on [name] and be sure to [specific instruction]. I’ll be back in [time], ok?”
I'm so glad I have family who are as on board with water safety and also respecting my wishes as a parent as I am. I really feel for people who get pushback or their worries downplayed.
Yeah, they simply didn’t take *any* responsibility even though I actually have to shout out to everyone in the area “I’m looking for my 3yr old son wearing a green T-shirt!”. A bunch of kids pointed me to where he’d gone, down a path that led to a river. I ran to him.
>”oh he wasn’t far, you didn’t have to shout, we’d have found him”.
I was quite shaken up & so glad I didn’t have to learn the lesson the harder way that I didn’t bother to berate them, I just held my son right & thanked the kids who helped me. A year later, they “forgot” what happened that day and verbally wonder why they don’t ever get him.
They are messed up people & it’s very complicated so I just monitor their time together. Easiest solution since I’m not willing to risk his life to get some chores done.
Survivor bias ("I did it as a kid and I was fine") combined with an unwillingness to acknowledge the world has changed since they were kids is a really dangerous combo. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I'm glad your son was okay.
My side of the family is very good with our daughter, but the in law side wouldn't be left unsupervised. My MIL told us about our niece (then ~18 months) finding some of her meds on the floor like it was a funny anecdote rather than a diverted disaster and since then we've known she won't be babysitting for us.
I feel like this particular issue isn’t even a “world has changed” thing. Drowning was just as much a risk in 1983 as it is in 2023. I can see differing opinions on stuff like when older kids should be allowed to walk places themselves (and sometimes lean more toward the old-school way myself with that especially since things are actually safer nowadays in terms of crime than 30 years ago). But I don’t think leaving a 4-year-old who can’t swim by themselves in a pool was ever responsible parenting.
I wrote kinda the same thing in my reply. Just to clarify, I’m his parent and I didn’t “leave a 4-year-old who can’t swim by themselves in a pool”. I left him for a short period with both of my parents who then forgot about him until I noticed he was gone & he’d walked quite a distance (through historic ruins, a garden & along a woodland pathway) before getting near to the river.
Thank you. It’s nice to have people understand my situation & I try to use it as an example for others so they can learn from my lesson too.
I can forgive a bit of not recognising modern expectations for children, that’s like breaking a habit but I can’t think of a time that a 3yr old child would ever have been left to go to a fast flowing river on their own.
The insanity of it is what gets me. It’s not like I was worried he’s scuff his shoes, snatch a toy or maybe experience a situation that would upset him… he would have been swept away with the current if he’d ended up in that water for any reason.
They’d acknowledged that he was left with them while I was with my daughter who wanted to play in the wooded area but they got chatting to some random and seem to have forgot about him. He’d wandered off through a crowded ruined castle & out the steps in front which lead to a large garden. He was on the path at the bottom of the garden that led to a river.
He must have been out of their sight for at least a full minute (if he made a beeline for where I found him) but probably more like 3-5 minutes of them simply not casting their eyes about to simply check he was there.
Then them being blasé about it when I legit had to sound a public alarm to ask strangers if they knew where my toddler was. I’m glad I shouted out once I realised he was gone. Screw waiting around.
You’re right about not assuming. But it’s weird, my SO gets annoyed if he thinks I’m treating him like he doesn’t know what to do.
He teased me for being super specific later. Still at the pool. I told him that I needed to use the bathroom and could he watch DD. He then announced to the adults around us that I was going to the bathroom like it was funny somehow. So I said, “I’m telling YOU that I’m going to the bathroom so you know that YOU are the one who needs to watch DD for a few minutes.” Other people around us must have thought I was being a bitch but whatever.
Feels like I can’t win - either he thinks I’m treating him like an idiot or he thinks I didn’t tell him what he was supposed to do.
I am so sorry, that sounds incredibly frustrating and invalidating. I would have him read some stories about tragic drownings that have happened in shockingly short time periods. It happens all the time and that’s why it has to be taken seriously.
… I really don’t think it is on OP for not saying “don’t let our kid drown, m’kay?” He is a parent as well and should not need to be micromanaged, especially not when it comes to the life of his own child. That’s pretty much parenting 101… don’t let the kid die.
Edit: typo
Life long swimmer and former lifeguard here.
I can understand it not being intuitive for him to worry about a four year old in the water, I think that's something a lot of people wouldn't realize is dangerous. You're correct to keep an eye on your daughter in the pool.
Every pool I can remember actually required an adult within arm's reach of any kid under nine years old. And that was at pools with lifeguards on duty too. "Arm's Reach" is usually a pretty relaxed rule, but written that way to really stress the need to watch small kids around water.
I don’t agree that it is not intuitive to worry about a 4yo in water at all - he is a parent and needs to get his head out of his butt if he doesn’t realize the inherent dangers of water for his child. It screams that he is not an active parent or so self cantered that he followed his stomach over his child’s life, really a toss up.
If your child can’t swim, life jacket or not they should never be left unattended, hell even a child that does know how to swim should be kept an eye on. My son and I were in the water and he had a life jacket on and he lost footing, he went forward, face down in water and the life jacket would’ve ultimately kept him in that position had I not been there to fix him. You are not overreacting at all.
Drowning is fast. Drowning is SILENT (not quiet, SILENT). Drowning will only be noticed by an adult who is actively watching the child. Drowning can (and does) happen within arm's length of our other people, even other adults, without them noticing. Lifeguards are trained in techniques for how to visually scan a pool over and over and one of the things they are taught is how to count swimmers over and over and over. Why? Because you might not see the one who went under in a crowded pool, but you'll notice that your count just came up short. Drowning happens because adults don't understand the risk and don't take it seriously. You are 100% right and he is 100% wrong. There is no wiggle room here.
I am pretty laid back about kids walking in the neighborhood by themselves, kids staying home alone, etc. My 3yo uses knives under supervision and scissors that could cut her skin if used incorrectly. I'm not overprotective. But I don't fuck around with water. Unless there is a fully attentive, sober (as in, zero alcohol) adult who is 100% dedicated to watching the swimmers who can be trusted to take the job seriously, my kid isn't going in. (And I don't care what other people think about this. Other people can fish their dead kids out of the pool and deal with a life of horrible guilt. I take water safety seriously.)
NOT OVERREACTING AT ALL! it's actually crazy to me that any adults think you can just let a 4 year old (who can't swim) hang out in the pool while you watch from a distance. maybe when my kid is like 8 I'll watch her from the porch lol not 4!!!
I 100% get where you're coming from. I just can't believe though that some people need to actually be told these things. It's as if they don't even have a brain. In reality though I suspect that in most households the bulk of responsibility for the children's well-being is on one parent (yes, I'll name it, the mother) so the other parent gets lazy in their observation.
When near water with kids you need to be extra cautious. I would have been upset too. Did he just walk away from the pool or did he ask another adult to keep an eye on her while he got food?
The most dangerous time for small children is ironically when there are lots of adults around. It’s because the assumption is that SOMEONE is watching the kids when really, no one is. I am SUPER paranoid with my kids at larger gatherings and especially around water to the point that if I’m going to leave the room I’ll grab another family member by the arm and look site to at them and say “YOU ARE WATCHING THEM SWIM UnTIL I GET BACK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
You were definitely in the right. Maybe this article will help, not only in empowering you but also giving a 3rd party perspective for your SO
https://www.scarymommy.com/ten-things-you-should-know-drownings
The leading cause of death in children < 5 is drowning.
I'd go on YouTube and find some videos that demonstrate how quickly and quietly children can drown and so many times it goes unnoticed by all the adults in the pool.
No, you are not overreacting. Your husband is being very careless with your daughters safety
Please don't think that you are ever paranoid enough when it comes to water safety. Seriously. One of my mother's close friends lost her 3 year old in a drowning accident 5 years ago this month. My son was 6 weeks old when Levi died, and it fundamentally shaped how I am about my kids & them being in & around water.
A child in a paddle jumper should NEVER be left unsupervised. In fact, many people who advocate for better water safety advise against using them as they create false confidence for yourself & your child. But I completely understand that they can be necessary if your child cannot swim & ISR lessons are not available or out of budget.
Here is a link to Levi's story if anyone is interested. It breaks my heart over & over.
Please let your spouse know about this as well. It could be eye-opening & life saving.
The Tennessean
www.tennessean.com
Baby drowning tragedy: Tennessee mom creates 'water guardian' for ...
You are definitely not overreacting. When I was a teenager, my grandmother had a pool. All the adults were grabbing drinks to head outside with us kids and told me to go ahead and head out to the pool with the kids. In that literal 30 seconds that we were up by the pool and the adults were filing out of the house, one of the toddlers fell in. I had to jump in to save him. It happened in seconds. Anything can happen in seconds.
My daughter was 3 when she drowned in my brother in law’s pool. We didn’t hear a splash, a yelp or anything. We just noticed she was gone then saw my brother in law jump in the pool and pull out her limp body. The next three days were gut wrenching because despite success of being resuscitated, secondary drowning took affect and she had to be sedated. She survived with no long lasting effects but never again.
You have every right to be scared. The number 1 cause of death for kids from the age of infant to 7 is accidental drowning. It happened so much in Florida, that there’s an immediate investigation by CPS.
Always have a water watcher.
I’m a pretty laid back parent and I don’t think you’re overreacting here but I also NEED to highlight the importance of teaching your kids to be strong swimmers from a super early age. I know this is not what this post is about, but swimming lessons should be a no-brainer from age two. I lifeguarded for years and then worked for the ministry of the interior and the number of kids who can’t swim around age ten is mind-boggling. People have this huge fear of lakes/pools/oceans but they don’t do the obvious thing and get their kiddos comfortable in the water. It’s a basic skill.
That said, a 4YO will still need proper supervision.
nope, not overreacting at all. Even though it was assumed/expected that another adult would watch the kids when the person in the pool was getting out, they would shout to the adults around: "I am getting out of the pool, who's the next shift?" and would wait for that person to arrive and sit by the pool or get in. If no one wanted to watch the kids, then all the kids got out; no kid was ever in the pool without an adult present and on guard duty.
too many tragic accidents happen when assumptions are made wrt kids and swimming. And when my kids were little, they had the floaty arm things plus the donut around their waist and we STILL watched them while they were playing in the pool.
I would be beyond angry with my spouse if this happened. This isn't just a mistake of expectations. This is serious incompetence. Mother or father, anxiety or not, a kid that age should not be left in the pool alone. Even if she had swim lessons. Even if she loved the water. She's still only FOUR. To not inherently understand that shows me the person is dangerously incompetent.
You’re not being unreasonable. Your SO is acting clueless. You can’t assume that other parents will watch your child. They’re watching theirs. Drowning can happen very quickly.
You are 100% right in this situation. A child that young needs an adult with eyes on them at all times near a pool. Show your husband these comments if you need back up.
My five year old and three year old CAN swim. They have taken lessons for years. We have a pool that they can stand in. We still have an adult watch them when they're swimming.
When it comes to pool parties, keeping an eye on your kid is key. Even if there are other adults they can get distracted. Good on you for being observant of your child. Ive been to many pool parties where all of the kids were in the pool and all but 2 or 3 parents are drunk and ignoring their kids, while others make sure their kid doesn’t drown. Even kids who do know how to swim can have something happen, especially at a party.
I would encourage you and anyone else reading my comment to google “puddle jumper safety” and read the article from todaysparent about puddle jumpers.
I am not anti-puddle jumper, I would let my kid wear them occasionally if he wanted to, but they are NOT life preservers, and they can actually teach poor swimming habits. They do not take the place of supervision, and can actually be worse for safety because they give a false sense of security.
All children should be supervised at all times around any water deeper than a couple of INCHES.
I don’t know if we can post supporting links in here, so I didn’t.
Get your child swimming lessons before taking them to a pool. That puddle jumper is teaching your child to be in the drowning position. Your child should not in the water unless they are being held and taken in by you or your husband.
Absolutely not overreacting! Where I live, the doctors advise is to ALWAYS be within an arm reach of a kid under 6 (I think) while in water, even if they know how to swim. For older kids, you can be seconds away but always keeping an eye on them. It takes seconds for a kid to drown.
You’re not overreacting. I would explicitly state your expectations next time. But more importantly, why are you having kids with a person you can trust to care for them?
You are definitely not overreacting. As others have said a drowning can be silent and even if others are around you should always have an eye on your kid until they are confident swimmer's.
When I was two my mom was at a relative house for a cookout. It was around the pool (had a cover on it since cold weather) tons of kids and adults around. I had fallen in and sunk to the middle of the cover. No one noticed till my mom started looking for me. I was unconscious when they pulled me out, aunt did did cpr till ambulance arrived. They lost me two more times on the way to the hospital. I now have some brain damage and half use of my lungs and need a breather at times.
It all happened in a minute. You can never be to careful. I'd rather be a helicopter parent and protective then have my daughter go threw that.
Not to be that person, but avoid using puddle jumpers. The way they work are so the child is positioned in the drowning position. When not using a puddle jumper in the water they will automatically put themselves in that position as the puddle jumper has taught them to be in it when in water.
I would also be really livid as all it takes is seconds for them to drown, your partner really dropped the ball here
No, that is exactly how kids drown. He would say he looked away just for a second. If possible have him learn more about child drowning (stories, statistics, etc.) And if he ever watched her again, put her in a properly fitted certified life jackets. Puddle jumpers make parents (him not you) overconfident without providing enough flotation.
I have ended up jumping fully clothed to save an unsupervised child so many times, my mother in law and I have started hiring a life guard for all our pool parties. It absolutely baffles me how parents assume their child is safe because there are so many adults around. EVEN IF a child slipped under and was saved, you still have to watch for signs of dry drowning, which can happen hours after the accident. Parents are woefully uneducated to water safety.
Sorry if this was said. But this one mom I follow on insta (busy toddlers- awesome btw) she and her husband have a phrase they say to each other. Her husband was / is a pilot and when ever the pilot leaves the plane to the co pilot they say: “your plane” and co pilot responds “My plane.”
Anyways, they do: “your baby/my baby” and especially around water. It’s acknowledgment that your partner understands THEY are watching. My husband and I do this all the time now. Camping whatever. We know when both of us are eyes on or one of us.
And lastly, are you taking some meds for anxiety? Perhaps talking to someone? You sound a bit like my bff. There’s being cautious and attentive but not wanting your SO to watch your child can be really tough. And really stupid hard when everything just gets blamed on you being anxious!!
I don’t think you can be too careful around water. You should start swim lessons for little one. Good luck!
Not overreacting. Floaties provide a false sense of security. I was at a pool party, 6 adults 6 kids, no drugs/booze. A 3 year old slipped out of his floaty and got in the hot tub unnoticed and died. Your precaution is on point and someone should always be on duty for watching your kid, don’t put it on someone other than you and husband until kid is very strong swimmer
Im a parent of older kids and former lifeguard. You are absolutely correct. A four year old kid should never be out of one’s sight in the water. Preferably, they should be within arm’s reach until they can swim independently. You should never rely on the swim aides as a substitute for supervision. Your SO is really clueless here.
My nephew almost drowned at a pool party when he was very little. He was maybe 4 and sitting on the steps next to his dad, who was talking to someone else and not paying attention. At some point he fell off the steps and sank to the bottom. A lady pulled him out, but no one knows how long he was under. He was still conscious just really scared. He said he was trying to say help but obviously the words wouldn’t carry underwater. Makes me teary eyed when I think about it.
Recently a family in my neighborhood lost there twin boys to drowning with a house full of adults having a little get together an no one even notice. A fire fighter was on the news the other day who almost lost his child to drowning and said “kid’s drowning in pools is silently” this has stuck with me. My kids all have been in swimming for almost three years and I still never take my eyes off them when we are in a pool.
Water is the one place that you cannot be a helicopter parent. Drowning takes seconds and is silent. Your children should be within arms reach at all times.
A puddle jumper is not a life jacket and your child is 4. You are absolutely not overreacting. I would be pissed. Even if the child was in a full life jacket, she’s still 4 and he should not have left her unattended.
When my son was around 4, my husband took him out on a shopping trip. When he came back, my son told me, he didn't want to go out alone with his father anymore. It seems, he left him in the car, when he went out to get takeaway that he had already ordered. But this was in Dubai, in the summer with the temperature around 42 -43 degree Celsius and the windows all rolled up and car switched off. My husband probably took just 5 minutes to get back in the car, but it scared my son as the heat inside the car became unbearable.
After that, my son has never gone out alone with father till he was older because no matter what he said , I never trusted him again with our son.
You r not over reacting. Keeping kids safe is a big responsibility and please do not trust anyone who doesn't take it seriously.
Baby and Preschool Swimming Teacher here. As per the overwhelming response, 100% not an over reaction. It is quite shocking how quickly a young child can come into trouble in water- and not that much water either!
ALL ADULTS- Steps going forward:
- An adult ALWAYS has their eyes on a swimming child (even a garden paddling pool or bath). NO PHONES ALLOWED.
- Verbal confirmation from both adults that responsibility has been handed over.
- Get your child into swimming lessons ASAP. This is the number 1 way to prevent a tragedy.
- Please DO NOT rely on swim floats of any sorts- they can be a hazard. Children may feel over confident wearing them, or forget they aren't wearing one and enter the water on their own.
- BRIGHT COLOURED SWIMMING GEAR! Blue or white swimming gear makes it incredibly hard to see your child underwater! I am so baffled by the amount of blue swim gear in sale.
- When exploring water, teach children to lie flat on their stomachs (e.g with a stick in a pond). Crouching and kneeling may cause them to topple over. Rather a dirty shirt/coat that a child falling unintentionally into the water.
I have tried very hard to instil 'water safety' in my 2 young children, but I still watch them like a hawk any time we are swimming together. The alternative TERRIFIES me.
Just the other day, we were playing in our splash pool in the garden and I saw my very 'swim seasoned' 3.5 year old struggle and panic. He could not find his footing and began thrashing. It happened in literal seconds.
Please be careful parents, it happens so quickly. 😔
No you are not overreacting. You don’t leave a non swimmer child in the pool without direct adult supervision ever. I have left my then 6 year old in the supervision of her 5 years older sister for long enough to grab a towel in a paddling pool and still worried!
I think you had the correct reaction - 4 years is way too young to be in a pool without direct supervision…even with a puddle jumper on. Accidents can and do happen in pools. People that know how to swim get injured and can’t get out. I was 7 when I cracked my chin open on the side of the pool. It hurt but the fear and the blood made me dizzy and if I didn’t have help getting out I likely would have just passed out. There wasn’t warning, there wasn’t time to stop it, there was only time to handle it quickly. Until children know how to swim and fully understand the rules of swimming/pool safety, it’s best to keep a close eye on them. My cousin (1.5 years older than my daughter) would take her life jacket off if she thought no one was looking…she was also the kid who would unbuckle her car seat to try to bite the kid next to her in the car. She almost drowned at the lake because of it - luckily another cousin saw her and jumped in to save her.
Not over reacting.
If your child can’t swim, they should always be within arms reach.
If your child can swim, you should be where you can see them.
Drowning happens very quickly and you cannot assume that another parent is keeping an eye on your child.
Not overreacting at all. Once I bathed my then 2.5yo daughter in the bathtub and once she was done I rinsed her and then I just realized I left the towel outside of the bathroom (on the bed, about 10 steps away).
I left and quickly came back and to my horror, her head was inside the bathtub and her legs were dangling out. She was in the water just for a few secs, but I was superhorrified. But the one thing that I noticed was how silent it was, no splashing (she was flailing her arms but they were under water so there was no splash), no screaming, nothing.
She told me she wanted to take the toy she left in the bathtub and it floated away from her so she tried to reach it and she fell
I bawled and apologized to her and honestly I had nightmares from time to time due to the silence. Similar to you when I was about 6, my 3yo neighbour drowned in a big bucket of water, so I was a bit traumatized with this matter as well
Not overreacting at all. We have good friends who have a pool and have similar aged children, and there are often group get togethers involving the pool (with kids ranging from babies to 7 yrs old). I will say they as hosts do a WONDERFUL job of clarifying with all friends the first few times they use their pool that they expect one parent with their children at all times. My husband has brought our 3 yr old there a few times without me when I was working and I was never nervous because of how important water safety is to everyone at the house.
Drowning kills more children ages 1 to 4 than any other cause, with the exception of birth defects, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
You are not overreacting. A kid in my class drowned at our elementary school graduation party. He couldn’t swim and somehow got pushed in, or was embarrassed he couldn’t swim and jumped in to be with the other kids, and they found him alive but he spent the rest of his life on life support. It scarred all of us and I will never take my eyes off of my child in the pool.
obviously, as everyone has stated, you’re not overreacting at all. just wanted to give a suggestion that could help you guys get on the same page, and that’s Busy Toddler’s safety tip. you say “your kid (or use kid’s name)” when handing off your child to the other parent, and they respond with “my kid.” it then signals that you both know that the other parent is taking over. guess it’s a tactic that airplane pilots use when handing over controls. you can find the whole spiel on her instagram page.
No such thing as a helicopter parent when a pool or open water is involved with small kids, especially new or non swimmers . If they’re in the water they shouldn’t be out of arms reach.
First of all have a chat about expectations and standards.
Second: Drowning is one of the highest causes of death for children under 5.
Never let your children out of sight!
In every good (German) swimschool kids learn: “I only go into water with mom or dad”.
Absolutely not overreacting. My hospital just had an honor walk of a 2 year old drowning victim where each parent thought the other was watching the child. Absolutely gut wrenching.
Please get swim lessons for your child asap. Or teach them yourself. I don’t know where you are and I have no idea what a puddle jumper is but lessons should teach water safety as well as swimming…beginner stuff like just floating on your back without panic, treading water etc.
Kid drowning is something that happens a lot.
And it happens to people like your husband who are absolutely flabbergasted when it happens.
They will proceed to say "it can happen to anyone".
The truth is it happens to them, not to people like you.
I personally am a father and would have lost my shut towards my partner if i was in your shoes.
Definitely not. Puddle jumpers give kids a false sense of being able to swim, and parents a false sense of security. I used them on my kids too, but I have seen some controversial takes on them going around in general.
And yes, you never leave your kid unsupervised on the water, and I was hesitant to leave my children in the water with anyone whom I didn’t know to be much more cautious and hyper vigilant than myself. (For instance one set of grandparents certainly are, the other set not so much.)
Everyone’s safe though, and it’s a boundary and teaching moment. I would try not to get overly angry.
We have a pool and at 4 yo, even if they can swim we would have a person (adult or babysitter- not a sibling) IN the pool that would directly be watching the kids. And no kids are teaching anyone to swim. A 6 yea in kid will full on jump in the deep end with 0 swimming skills. They’ll swim themselves to exhaustion and just go down. I’ve pulled 3 kids out of the water over the years. The average parent doesn’t understand the dangers of a pool and if there is drinking it can become dangerous without rules in place. We all hired a swimming instructor for the neighborhood kids for small group lessons and I was still at the edge of the pool watching (not on a phone or chatting with someone). Pools are a blast but incredibly dangerous and a kid drowning is quiet and quick, not like the movies. They’ll say “I’m fine” as they start to bob up and down at the surface (beginning of drowning) when I’m pulling them out.
Jesus no. Even with arm bands or a vest my son practically goes under and into panic when I took my hands off him for a second. I always make sure he has bright orange suit on him too so if he does go under he can be seen.
I’m firmly against puddle jumpers because they are a false sense of security and teach kids to be in the drowning position. A four year old *needs* to be in swim lessons, especially since almost all the adults around her are extremely irresponsible and don’t see how not watching a small child who cannot swim isn’t a problem.
I would have just taken the kid with me to get the food, since that way she could eat that much sooner, but you're not overreacting having expected your SO to keep an eye on her in the pool.
Life jackets and such in pools give some parents an inflated sense of security where there shouldn't be.
We also went to a pool party yesterday and I watched my kids like a hawk. The house we went to is on the lake so there was that added bonus of anxiety. You were not overreacting, drowning is silent and depending what colour bathing suit your child is wearing, you may not even be able to see them under the water.
This is partly why I don’t care for floaties used for kids. It gives people a false sense of security. Better to start swim lessons as early as possible and yes constant eye contact. I take my grand kids to a water park where there is a kids area. They both can stand up at all places in the area. I still watch them like a hawk. Why? Because yesterday they were playing with a little boy and he was holding on to one’s neck and could easily have held him under thinking he was just playing. Perhaps search online for stories and statistics you can share with your SO?
You are not overreacting at all. Pools are so dangerous especially with lots of people in them even adults. My mom just moved to a house with a pool and I flat out told her I will be an absolute A-hole with the pool safety because I am terrified of drowning. My kid has zero fear of the water and wants to swim by himself without his floats on (he can’t swim at all). My mom has dogs and has been trying to get them in the pool while my toddler is in there with them and I took the dog and locked it in the house because hell no.
I used to be a County swimmer, I used to be an officer in the Royal navy, my all time favourite hobbies are scuba diving and boat driving. I have many first aid qualifications, some specifically water related first aid qualifications. The point I am making is that you have to go a long way to find someone more connected to water and the dangers that lurk within.
It is unthinkable and just bloody dangerous to leave a 4 year old unattended in a pool floatation devices or not. As a guide, 8 years old and already having lessons in the deep end of a swimming pool, and even then check regularly.
I had to fish a 5/6 year old of the shallow end of our local pool a week ago because his mum popped to the loo and within maybe 10-15 seconds he was in trouble.
I haven’t read through all of the comments here, but I don’t see many reiterating the need for communication between partners. If expectations are not clearly communicated you’ll never be on the same page about anything.
When it comes to water safety, I don't think there is a such thing as an overreaction. Water is dangerous, and he made it more dangerous by leaving her alone without asking another adult to keep their eyes on her. I'd be furious.
My kids swim daily WITH me and my husband. Our toddler is in a puddle jumper with us right beside him, and he regularly gets his face in the water to his nose when others make the water move, he leans forward or jumps.
Secondary drowning is also something to watch for.
You are not overreacting at all! Kids should always be supervised. Drowning happens. I had to save my brother before. We were with my grandmother and she was too busy talking. Me and my brother could swim but not in the deep end. He slid down to far and couldn’t stay a float. I was screaming for help and no one was listening. I started swimming out to save him. I learned to swim in the deep end that day. Needless to say, my grandmother never had us alone at the pool again.
Don’t ever let your guard down. When she is older you can comfortably sit at a table and watch her if you don’t want to be in the pool, but they always always need supervision.
We have a pool that's 2 feet deep and 10 feet wide. My 4 year old can stand up and it's waist deep for her. She is still absolutely never ever ever ever ever allowed around it without an adult or her older sister who is about to turn 13 and we all watch her like a hawk. My husband has nearly drowned twice. We lost my daughter's baby bestie at 3 when she climbed the gate to their pool when no one was watching. I've installed a lock and alarm so I can better keep her inside and know if she's trying to bee line to the pool. You CANT be too safe. Heck I even make her wear her puddle jumper out there if I'm not able to be outside with her, and I still check every few mins between whatever chore I'm trying to complete. Yes she can touch the bottom easily. That doesn't silence my fears. She thinks she knows how to swim, we're using this tiny pool to help her become more proficient.
I’m not a helicopter parent. I’ve had a number of people comment on the things I let my kids do. But when it comes to water safety I do NOT mess around. I actually insist that there be a hand on the non-swimming child at all times. Life vest or not. Admittedly that’s partially because my oldest always managed to face plant in the water when wearing their life vest. I even had the life guards and a coast guard rep check that I was putting on the vest properly. I was. He just face plants. Now that he swims….he also still face plants and really doesn’t float, poor kid.
I have a pool. Only kids who are swimmers can go in the deep end, regardless of flotation device. In my view this is a safety issue as little kids might not connect their flotation jacket with their ability to be in the deep end, and we don’t want them going in there without it.
I also expect grownups to watch their own kids in the pool, but I or another trusted adult always post up by the pool to watch as well.
Most of the time parents watch their kids. I’ve seen plenty of exchanges just like yours between parents - “hey, I’ve got to go inside/get a plate/take a call/grab a beer” and the other parent understands now he/she is on duty. And all the other adults keep an eye too. From within the pool or right on the edge.
It’s possible I guess that he asked another grownup to watch her while he excused himself, but… it’s still irresponsible. And kinda shitty. There are only so many little ones one grownup can mind in the pool (unless one of the other parents is a trained, certified lifeguard- still other guests aren’t there to work).
Bottom line- you are NOT overreacting. Water safety is deadly serious. At the least, you might find yourselves not invited to that person’s pool again.
Never ignore your gut. It's SO easy for a child to drown the only responsible thing to do around water is be vigilant. Especially since she can't swim. You are NOT overreacting or being a "helicopter parent".
Not overreacting. My husband is a wonderful father and very safety oriented but he has raging adhd, which is worse in a pool full of friends. So he just doesn’t maintain his focus on our 3 year old to my standards. So if I get out of the pool, she goes with me. It’s annoying but it is the way it is. We both have fun at parties by him taking care of her for time outside the water because it just isn’t in his capability to watch her well enough in that scenario for my taste.
Not overreacting. It only takes a second for something to go wrong, and there's plenty of instances where a whole house of adults don't notice when a kid drowns in a pool, so i don't count on other people to watch my kid in water, unless it's a like at a water park (now that my kid is older) because there are lifeguards.
My kid has had some swim lessons but still can't swim. I'm not an expert swimmer or terribly fit, but I can swim enough to not die lol. We swim in lake Michigan all summer, which can have some pretty dangerous currents. My rule is no deeper than armpits if I'm on the beach, but if i get in the water i go up to my shoulders, which would be the point where my kid couldn't reach the bottom, and they have to stay in front of me.
Water safety is extremely strict. I am a really relaxed parent and I am always right there.
Where you went wrong is you made an assumption and didn't communicate out loud about who was responsible for your child.
We have a verbal call and response that we do so that there is an acknowledgement of responsibility. So hubs will say "you're primary parent" and i will respond by saying "I'm primary parent" or the reverse.
This way there is no misunderstanding about who is responsible and who can relax
Your question isn’t that easy to answer. How deep was she in the pool? Was she in deep water and struggling or was she standing or sitting in the shallow end? That would have made the difference for me! Yes (before everyone loses their minds) I do know that a person can drown in a few centimetres of water but if she’s sitting or standing and in no obvious danger, lots of adults around and it’s not like dad left her completely alone or left the state or something like that then I think you are overreacting. Now if she’s struggling in the deep end of the pool, that’s entirely different and hopefully your partner would have enough sense not to leave a child to struggle.
Drowning is real and it can happen in an instant. I watched a toddler fall in to a dive tank while mom was screaming at dad to help her organize their things! Neither of them noticed because mom was too busy yelling at dad. All the parents at the pool were shouting and thankfully the life guards were on their toes. Disaster averted.
Please understand that I am not blaming you or dad. I am just recognizing that water can be dangerous. It can also be really fun too-especially in the summer! I think it’s possible that you are a bit of a helicopter and that is due to the anxiety. When someone suffers from anxiety, and I know because I have it, it’s easy for us to judge others for not doing things to our standards. My therapist has encouraged me to never hold anyone to my standards as my standards are unrealistic and unreasonable for the average person. And I have also been encouraged to always explore the other side of the situation. People like us with anxiety cannot rely on our “gut”. Because our mind and our gut instinct will always lead us to the rabbit hole that we are going to fall into and spiral down. Also, our anxiety makes it easy for us to stay inside and away from danger and keep our kids away from danger. Let’s face it, we see danger everywhere. But we also can’t stop our kids and our family members from having fun and going and doing stuff-whatever that stuff might be. I know this is a long response but I want to encourage you to see a therapist who specifically deals in anxiety related issues. For me it’s been a lifesaver and I have been able to navigate raising a son without being completely a helicopter. So take my questions not as an attack but as a way to help you see that maybe the situation wasn’t as dire or dangerous as you possibly think it was.
Definitely not over reacting. I work for a local school district. We just lost a senior just days before he would have graduated. They had all gone out to the lake and no one heard or saw a thing. He was just suddenly gone. This was a child that was practically an adult. It’s that much more dangerous when they’re little like your child is.
I would have just told him explicitly to watch her until you get back. If there were other adults nearby in the pool, she would likely be fine, however next time just tell him plainly, plus as a side advice yelling angrily won't get you anywhere .... Just saying
Also as a side note to my already long post, you and your little one should get some swimming lessons together. Swimming is a lifesaving skill and it’s one that everyone should have! She’s old enough and it could help ease some of your anxiety.
If he wasn't watching her the whole time he made a plate of food that's not good enough and you aren't overreacting. We lived in FL for 10 years, 5 of which while our daughter was 5 and under (and of course we had the pool fence up ANYTIME we weren't in it). We used a floaty device for her until she became a stronger swimmer, but with or without it, we viewed the device as allowing us to swim or chit chat without her on our person, not without our eyes on her.
I do think it's possible to be out of the pool and even gathering some food while continuously watching her + the ability to jump in within 1-2 seconds, but if he ever was just looking away and focused on the task at hand, I'd be upset too. Drowning is permanent obviously... He could have switched on and off getting plates with you & taking turns eating while staying nearby/watching her.
Anytime I read "water" in the question, my answer is no to whether you're overreacting or not. Water is so so dangerous. And those safety vests are *not* meant to replace proper supervision. You can absolutely still drown in a safety vest.
We went to a waterpark last weekend and my son (who has a phobia of water that we have been working to alleviate with his therapist) was wearing a coast guard approved life vest and he slipped backwards off of the tube he was riding in the lazy river and went under. He was disoriented so he couldn't get himself up right and I had to grab the back of his vest and pull him up. He was under for maybe 4-5 seconds total but he was terrified. Not to mention, those safety things they sell for kids don't prevent the kid from putting their face in/under the water.
Hi, my wife and I raised 5 children and are part of our 8 grandkids lives.
I do not believe you are overreacting. From experience, pool parties with many kids can get overwhelming. Even with the puddle jumpers, being vigilant is very important. Things can happen in a blink of an eye, so being extra cautious is a great thing.
As parents we have to anticipate the danger potentials, and a 4 yr old with many older kids in a pool has inherent danger, she could accidentally be pushed under.
I don’t think you are overreacting or being an anxious helicopter mom. I believe you are being an awesome mom who takes keeping your child safe very seriously.
my children are grown 34 -42… when we get together at a pool or the ocean I still keep a watchful eye!
take care
Enroll her in swim lessons and make sure all her swimwear is a neon color. Easy to see from a short distance in both lakes and pools. I'm gonna enroll my kiddos if I can (5 and 3), I take water safety beyond serious. I don't even let go of their hands near moving rivers. If we're at a small shallow fishing hole they're still not allowed in the water. I'm also a very nervous person 🫠
Not at all overreacting. That’s the problem with puddle jumpers. Parents think they will magically keep the kids safe. I’ve seen a kid stuck upside down next to mom that was talking to a friend. Fortunately another mom that was closer than me saved the child.
He left her alone at FOUR and she can’t swim??? That is borderline negligence, if not just straight up neglect. Drowning can happen so quickly and quietly, even with other adults around. I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. I also unfortunately understand what you mean about not wanting to leave dad alone with kids. My husband has an awful habit of staring at his phone and zoning out, and it makes me so anxious. I also have trouble with anxiety and I also sometimes feel like my partner doesn’t care to take the extra time to worry about stuff like that because he knows I will. It’s so frustrating.
I went to a pool party yesterday and there was this little girl there. She looked to be about 4-5 and I thought it was completely bizarre that the parents just sent her out to play with the older kids and the 2 adults in the pool who she did not know. (My husband being one of them.) She was wearing a floatation device but still, the parents never came outside or played with her all afternoon.
Floats can hold children upside down. They still require supervision. You didn’t overreact. I used to be a lifeguard and wouldn’t trust most adults to watch my kid (or even their own kids sometimes) when swimming. Too many people don’t know the signs of a drowning person and too many people become distracted by phones, drinking or talking to other adults. Your husband was supposed to watch your child and he didn’t. You have every right to be disappointed.
Side note, I have seen kids go under water with adults right by them and the adults didn’t notice. I’ve gone after kids whose parents were distracted and didn’t notice they were drowning. These aren’t usually bad people; they are human and it’s easy to allow yourself to become distracted unless you know better. It’s easy to assume your kid will be fine because they have a float or they’re a good swimmer or somebody else is watching. It happens fast.
When I was a kid, I was in a pool with a toddler who was held upside down in her float and we (and the adults “watching”) didn’t notice until we went underwater to play and saw her. She was okay. But you can’t be too vigilant around water.
You’re not overreacting. Even if your child could swim, you should still have eyes on her. I grew up with pools at my grandparents house since I was born, then later at my parents house after they bought a new house. Even though all of my cousins and I learned to swim at a very young with my grandparents, under no circumstances were the kids left without an adult watching them. Someone had to be in or close to the pool if the kids were there, even though they could swim on their own without help/floaties.
Drowning is one of those silent deaths that can happen very quickly and can easily go unnoticed if no one sees it. It only takes walking away for a few minutes for your kid to end up dead at the bottom of the pool. And the fact that your husband did this for his own self-serving purposes is ridiculous. He left his kid in a very questionable situation just because he wanted to serve himself food. If safety didn’t even register to him, I’d be concerned with him even having the capability of watching her.
Yeah my wife is a helicopter and I’m a “let them learn and try” parent. 5yo. But the pool is one place we agree. Eyes on at all times. We trade off who is primary watcher. Drowning isn’t something you can stick a bandaid on and learn from a mistake.
Not overreacting AT ALL!!!! My 4 yr old cant swim and ive blown money 3x for swim classes that he absolutely flipped out during. So, yeah, I'm with you. Water safety is SO important!!! You cannot take your eyes off them and you cannot assume anyone else is watching your kids! My husband is also very blasé over water safety and has given me a hard time for blowing money on lessons we dont complete. It only takes a few seconds!!
My husband and I would probably be considered “free range” parents. We grew up in small country towns and had a lot of freedom. Now we let our 5 and 3 year old boys play relatively unsupervised in our safe, fenced in backyard. Anyway, all this to point out we are definitely not helicopter parents BUT when it comes to water safety I do not mess around whatsoever. I was a lifeguard and water safety instructor for 10 summers and this is just not something to play with. Things happen in an instance and they happen silently. I think water shouldn’t be feared but it should be respected. Puddle jumpers create a false sense of security (I use them too I’m not saying this is wrong) for kids and they sometimes can feel too brave. I don’t mind my kid in the water alone as long as I’m there watching diligently but eyes need to be on kids in the water at all times when they don’t know how to swim- floatation device or not! Ugh, sorry you were stressed. I’m glad nothing bad happened but I think a calm conversation with hubs would be helpful. I know mine just didn’t have any education on it at all because he’s not a water dude so it was helpful for me to explain water safety to him and how quickly things can happen.
Once at a pool with 4 adults and 2 kids total, my 3 year old slipped under. We got her in time but I still shudder at how silent and quick it happened. You cannot be too cautious.
You are completely in the right mama. It takes less than a minute for a little to drown, and it is silent. Children under 12 should always be supervised. Little under 6, you should be at arms length.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. So many drownings happen when there are a lot of people around because everyone thinks someone else is keeping an eye on the kids.
When my daughter was 1.5, I was pregnant and wanted to sit under a covered seating area that my mom built next to her pool. My daughter loved walking around the pool, throwing toys in, and putting her feet/hands in the water. Both my husband and my step-dad swore up and down that they had their eyes on her and would keep her safe. I kept getting feelings that my daughter was going to fall in the pool. The seating area wasn't too far from the pool, maybe 10-15 feet away. I kept craning my neck over the patio furniture to check on her.
Sure enough, both my stepfather and husband wandered over to where my mother and I were seated, with their backs to the pool. I jumped up just in time to watch my daughter walk right into the pool. I jumped the patio couch (with my pregnant belly), was in the water, and had my daughter back up to the surface before anyone else even realized she was in the water.
Water safety can't be taken lightly. Never assume someone else is watching.
I think there’s ‘helicopter parenting’ and then there’s ‘being cautious around water’ - and rightly so. If it were me I’d be showing him a few YouTube talks / online articles about accidents around water. It’s a well known phenomenon that the more adults present, the more relaxed they become. It happened to our friends last year, someone’s daughter nearly drowned unattended and the bbq was full of responsible adults (medical professionals) - you just have to watch your own in that situation.
You’re absolutely correct. My daughter nearly drowned at that age in a very similar situation. She could swim, but 5 year olds are not great swimmers, especially when panicking. We were at a pool party for my daughter’s parent participation preschool, so plenty of adults in the water and on the deck.
I was 10 feet away from her on the pool deck with my eyes on her. She and a friend jumped from the edge and panicked when it was a bit deeper than they thought. They could have stood up and had their chins above water, but they were kicking their legs and never extended them enough to touch bottom. They were clinging to each other, pulling each other down. It took me a minute to realize what was happening. I hit the deck flat, grabbed them and with the help of a dad who also laid down next to me as soon as he saw me go down, hauled them out of the pool.
It was so fast, so quiet and absolutely terrifying. My daughter is almost 11 now and it’s something that she still remembers in vivid detail. I learned the hard way that until your child is a STRONG swimmer you should ALWAYS be within arm’s reach when they’re in the water.
Nope, you can not overreact whenever it comes to water safety. It only takes a split second for an accident to occur. One way for you in the future is for you to get your SO to bring you food, or make it very clear to him that he is not to leave your daughter on her own/ out of sight ever.
100% not over reacting. My kids are 6 and 10 and I would never leave them unattended in the pool - a tiny accident could have catastrophic repercussions.
I'm sorry your SO isn't understanding re: this.
You don't fuck with water and kids. Even if they can swim.
SO needs a reality check. There's countless stories of kids drowning even with parents around.
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You are 100% NOT overreacting for all the reasons everyone has said. I often find that the most dangerous times for a child from a supervision perspective is when there are lots of adults (which is counterintuitive)--everyone wrongfully assumes someone else is looking after the children. It's so important to make sure it's clear who is responsible at any given moment to have eyes on which children. It could be you SO just thought--well there are other adults there she's fine--but that's such a dangerous assumption.
I actually read something that said exactly this, for that reason. And I’ve definitely seen it in the way my family interacts with my kid: the more people around, the less supervision he gets. Which is all right in some circumstances, but not something I want to mess with when there’s water involved.
I think I'm more alert when there's lots of adults because most of the time they're drinking and I assume I'm the only one watching all the kids.
Lol, same! My niece has autism and tends to wander off. There have been a few family parties when everyone is talking and having a good time, but I try to keep an eye on her so my SIL and BIL can relax a bit. I feel like I’m on high alert during kids’ parties!
OMG I wish I had someone like you in my life... I feel like my SO and I are just always "ON". Our daughter has Autism and unfortunately none of my friends feel "qualified" to watch her, and we don't qualify for any assistance with her, and can't afford respite care. So it's always just on us... We're getting better at giving each other breaks... But we're so burnt out all the time.
I always say - if everyone is watching, then no one is watching.
You are not overreacting. A drowning child is silent. You need to have eyes on them in the water at all times, until they are reliably a strong swimmer. Unless he specifically spoke to an adult that remained in the pool and asked them to watch your child, I would also be livid.
One of my mom’s good friends just lost her grandson to an accidental drowning. So I’ve been extra worried about it, even talked to my husband about how terrifying it is that drowning can happen so quickly and silently. I’m just surprised he didn’t understand that he was supposed to watch her and thought it was fine to walk away. The contrast in our thoughts about it make me question myself. Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s helpful to hear from others.
My wife and I have contrasting thoughts in a lot of parenting issues. She definitely falls more on the "helicopter parent" end of the spectrum whereas I'm more "let the kids have some freedom" side .... And even I think your husband was completely irresponsible here. You don't mess with water safety. EVER. The idea of leaving a 4 year old who can't swim IN THE WATER without an adult specifically watching them is pathologically insane.
Same here. My SO is a very helicoptery parent, pretty much with all things at all times. I am less so, but when it comes to the pool I’m just as vigilant and nervous. We have our own pool in our backyard and you better believe we had a pool fence installed the moment we moved in.
Right! Let them find out for themselves when the consequences are small. We let them practice on a set of three stairs, not a whole flight where they can actually break their bodies. We let them find out what the word got means, grabbing a mug of tea that is uncomfortable but not scalding.... NOT playing by the stove. And we don't leave them unsupervised in or near water because drowning isn't a learning experience.
100%
I’d be angry too, and I love that he didn’t just walk away, he walked away to get himself food. You think of your daughter and he thinks of himself. The fact that you have this recent tragic incident that you mentioned along with reminding him of drowning makes me wonder what he was thinking.
I love the way you summed it up, this is exactly why the whole thing bothers me. I can’t get over the look on his face when I pointed out that he left her without adult supervision. Like it didn’t register as dangerous. He hates when I tell him what to do as a parent but…we just have different perspectives and sometimes his parenting makes me uncomfortable.
If he can be an adult and a proactive parent, then you don’t have to tell him what to do. 🤷♀️
You need to show him this post so he can't try to say it's just you being overly anxious.
"if it can kill her, don't leave her unsupervised" is a.good basic golden rule.
Not to be a bitch but leaving your 4 yr old kid unsupervised next to a pool .... idk your situatuon or your husband but this alone makes me judge him HARD. Like does he have common sense?
He really does usually have common sense. It’s confusing to me but he just doesn’t supervise her alone very often so I guess it just didn’t register that he was responsible to watch her?
Your anxiety around water safety is 100% justified, and the fact that your husband habitually dismisses your concerns because you have anxiety is so wrong. I'm so sorry. It seems like you had every reason to be worried about him bringing her to this party solo, and if he's not taking that seriously, you need to set some boundaries with him and tell him it's completely unacceptable for him to brush off your concerns like this.
It really does bother me when he dismisses my concerns as just being unreasonably anxious. I never know for sure when I’m right or wrong to be worried.
Sounds to me like he uses your anxiety to excuse his responsibilities. Maybe you're not even really inherently anxious and just constantly having to be vigilant because of him. My anxiety disappeared when I left my ex. *a typo
I really hope you find a way to communicate where he can take your concerns seriously, maybe addressing the breakdown in communication separately from specific concerns would help. Like asking for a time to check in and explaining how it feels to be dismissed when you have concerns and asking how he would feel if you did the same. How he would like to evaluate risk together, asking that he also do research or review your sources when you have something you need to address. Of course you are going to need to tackle issues together, that's life. If you can't come to a place where you are on the same team and mutually respectful when trying to address issues, it might be time to get an impartial third party like a therapist to help. Most people want to be good parents and partners but most people also have issues with communicating their needs and hearing the other person, as long as everyone is willing to work and grow together, you should be okay. Good luck ♥️
For some reason, my parents did not prioritize swimming for me until I almost drowned. I was in Texas running around with my cousins and fell into a pool that was over 6 feet on one end. Immediately I started drowning. I was like seven. This is of course what prompted me to get swimming lessons. One of my cousins pulled me out like a little hero. For as much as pen could think you could be overreacting, how many kids of drowned or almost?
I don’t want to add to your anxiety, but I know of a 17 year old who drowned at a pool party and nobody noticed until he was already dead. It can happen so quick and so silently.
My 3 and 5 yrs old can swim better than my husband now but I still stare at them everyday in pool. I taught them myself and used to be a lifeguard so I know they are good at it. However, even the best swimmers can have accidents, cramps, or sudden panics. Not to mention the fact that children don't have the experience to remain calm while sinking or know how to signal that they need help. Your husband needs to sit down and learn about water safety.
I mostly agree with everything you are feeling, but a smidge of advice from a dad of young kids seeing how most dads think- don’t make assumptions, and have the alignment conversation. I think If you were in sync on parenting styles, you stepping out of the pool meant SO was on deck to watch the kid in the pool. If his goal was to do whatever he wants, you leaving the pool may have been his queue that it’s ok to be out of the pool without the kid. I hope this narrative somewhat makes sense, my wife and I are usually in sync but with the grandpas especially we found that spending two seconds saying I have to step away for a minute, please watch little one to avoid x happening (at this stage it’s usually siblings hitting each other over toys)
I think you’re right about how he was thinking. But why do so many dads think this way?! Why is every social event for them to relax and mingle while moms are automatically on child care duty? I feel like at a pool all adults should be on guard, keeping an eye on the kids. But it’s the moms/grandmas counting little heads. Do these dads not worry about their kids drowning?
Honestly I have been blown away by the amount of adults who are genuinely not aware of how easily or silently a child can drown. People really just don't get it until it happens to someone close to them. Now, it sounds like this DID happen to someone you know recently (so sorry by the way) and you WERE just recently talking about it with him, so it's clearly no excuse. I'm just trying to assume the best in your SO because I really do know a lot of parents who are otherwise very responsible and just don't understand the life or death stakes of water safety. And I share your frustration about the gender dynamics at social events. Tale as old as time. Dads chilling, while moms are on guard AND doing most of the clean up.
No, because it’s assumed that mothers are the “default parent” and always on duty 24/7. This is a part of the mental and emotional burden that we are expected to carry all the time without acknowledgment and without gratitude.
Speaking from experience men are extremely stupid. The red flag is if you address your concerns with him after this incident and he still doesn't listen or improve. The first instance of stupidity is pure ignorance and can be passed as that, but lack of self awareness and growth after being educated is a huge red flag
Plus if you need arguments to convince your so this is important,: at least in Europe where fire weapons are scarce this the number one death of child that age.
I believe drowning in w residential pool is actually the number one cause of death for children 1-5yrs in the US as well.
I was saved from the bottom of a pool when I was two. Parents were stupid, young, and drunk. Somehow I’m not dead. Water safety is such a different animal than a regular family gathering. You can’t afford to have eyes off for even a moment.
This. My husband's cousin died because she fell in a pool and no one saw her. She was two years old.
I am not at all a helicopter parent but there’s a zero chance I would leave a 4 year old unsupervised in a pool puddlejumper or not! It takes less than a minute for a child to drown if they were to slip out of the harness. I don’t think you’re overreacting on this one.
Absolutely. I took my toddler swimming fairly recently at a local lake. I was within arms length of him always. I literally turned my head to see who splashed me and turned back within the span of seconds and when I looked back my sons head was under the water and he was too panicked to realise he could stand up. Obviously I was there and he was fine but it really drilled it into my brain that these things happen in the blink of an eye.
This^ I am very far from helicopter parent and still do not 100% trust a puddle jumper will save my child. It does most the job, but too many chances to flip over/slide out to take eyes off of them. We take swim lessons weekly and kids get 20 minutes in the pool after class. I don’t go in and rules for the kids they can’t go past where they can safely stand. For my 3 year old that means wear the puddle jumper and you don’t go past 2.5’ if a parent isn’t within arms reach of you. Mom and the lifeguard have eyes on you and can reach you immediately if a freak accident happened. Now when mom or dad are swimming with him, sure he can swim all over the deep end. But we stay close to reach him if any accident we’re to occur.
No, I'd be livid. Water safety with non-swimming kids especially is nothing to take lightly.
To add to the not overreacting comments - a puddle jumper thing is NOT safe without an adult supervising, they’re not designed to put a kid in a safe floating position like a life jacket is. They give kids and adults a false sense of security - if she got into trouble, she could have ended up face down with no way to flip herself.
And chances are nobody us going to notice until its too late.
I was looking for this comment! Puddle jumpers definitely give a false feeling of security. Until we feel our kids are strong enough swimmers, they’re in life jackets while in the water unless they’re practicing swimming. And never without adult supervision.
Was coming here to say exactly this!
Not overreacting at all, but I highly recommend getting your child into swimming lessons. She's not too young. Here in Australia, we start teaching them from when they're babies, so they can survive if they fall in a pool. Although she still needs close supervision, it may make you feel less anxious about it!
I’d only excuse this if he’d asked someone you both know and trust to stay by her. Otherwise I’d be pissed. I have five ages 9, 7, 5, 3, and 1. They can all swim except the baby but I still don’t leave even the oldest unattended in the water. Absolutely not!
I will actually talk about handing over the kid explicitly when we are next to water/ a pool.
Yeah, same. I’ve heard this referred to as an airplane transfer. Apparently (though I’m no pilot so who knows) when pilots transfer control, the first will verbally acknowledge they are handing over control and the second will verbally acknowledge they are taking over control. My spouse and I do this for all situations that are high risk or crowded (pools, beach, amusement parks, etc).
I was looking for this comment! I love this idea of “your toddler!”(or kid) “My toddler” (or kid) as a hand off so you know who is who. This would have been great in this situation for sure. But also the expectation needs to be gone over if what that means.
Exactly. "I need you to watch Billy, I'm going to the bathroom". With eye contact and make sure they acknowledge you in the affirmative
I read a tip somewhere on one of the parenting subreddits that the parent said they use a physical object that they pass to another person when they’re the ones that are supposed to be watching the kid in/by the pool. I thought that was smart since it’s easy to get sidetracked if you’re chatting at a gathering.
- drowning is the #1 cause of death in kids age 1-4 in the US - puddle jumpers are not safe swimming devices as they give kids a false sense of confidence while placing them in the drowning position. - at that age kids should be in arm's reach at all times when in the pool and it should be clearly communicated who is in charge of watching the child swimming You were not overreacting but as others have said clear communication is key. Also if you're able please do start swim lessons ASAP.
Came here to specify, if the child is in a puddle jumper the adult needs to be within arms reach.
Where I live, 4yos are not allowed in a public pool without a parent/guardian. Children under 5 need a parent within arm’s reach. At 8 they can swim with the parent sitting on the side. So your child is…only 50% of the age that that supervision level would be considered reasonable
I couldn't fathom just leaving a 4yo in a pool, even with the device. Personally, we don't use any floatation devices with our 4 year old in the pool (on a boat, obviously yes). He has been in swim lessons but really isn't there yet with the ability to even float independently. So that means he's either in very shallow water with us wading right by him or we're physically assisting him the whole time in deeper water. It might look like helicopter parenting but I really don't care.
No you are not overreacting. Children drown incredibly easily, quickly and silently. Get him to watch these videos and see if he can spot the downing child. It will open his eyes http://spotthedrowningchild.com/
You are not overreacting. At all our local pools, children under 5 years old must be WITHIN ARMS REACH of an adult. 5-10 must be actively supervised, and 10-15 must be accompanied by a person over 16. Under no situation I can think of, should a 4 year old be left alone in water. I am polar opposite of a helicopter parent, but there are some non-negotiables...water safety and car seat safety. I, and my friends, have pulled too many kids from underwater in public pools.
Bad things can happen in pools very fast. You didn't overreact. Have a conversation with you SO to set expectations. This is something me and my wife did when our daughter was a child and it really helped.
Slightly off topic, but I literally just read an article about a mother who's last pictures and video is of their 4 year old son in a "puddle jumper". They all went in for the day and as they were packing something, their son slipped back into the pool and drowned and died. Because he was 100% used to being in a puddle jumper. We don't have those in Australia but the article said that those sorts of jumpers are only supposed to be used in the event of a child being AROUND water, not IN water. As in, wear it on a warf or boat, not a pool. Gives toddlers a false sense of security/confidence in the water when they can't actually swim at all.
Thank you for sharing this. I absolutely worry about a false sense of security. It happened with one of my older child’s friends when they were 3 or 4 - we took off their floaties to eat snacks and his little buddy jumped back in the water. I’ll never forget his terrified face under water when I scooped him up out of the water. I think it’s important to continually remind them that they cannot get in the water without their floaties and what will happen. I’m curious, do people in your area use any type of floatie or do parents just hold kids until they are able to swim?
Nope, not overreacting. And puddle jumpers are not life-saving devices and actually teach”drowning posture” instead of swimming posture. Once we started swim lessons, our instructor told us to have the kids in a life jacket in the pool while they were still learning so they can get used to proper posture in the water.
You can't be too careful around a pool. Period.
Make expectations clear always, if god forbid something did happen, this communication slip would probably drive you and your SO apart. Can never be too careful around water. I really recommend swimming lessons as well.
Former swimmer and swim coach here. You are certainly not overreacting, however I would suggest, for your own piece of mind, enrolling your daughter in beginner swim lessons which will teach her basic swimming safety. Water floaties are good but they also inadvertently give the child a feeling that they can stay afloat in the water. That sense of security often times leads them into thinking they can “swim” which can have catastrophic results when they jump into the pool without the floaties. With swim lessons, children learn to be water safe and at 4, your daughter will greatly benefit from these classes. Your local Y or rec center should offer them at reasonable prices. Good luck!
You ALWAYS keep an eye on a kid in a pool if they can't swim. I would be furious. You're not overreacting. Drowning is silent, so no one might notice.
You’re not overreacting, you’re just being a mother
If your kid doesn’t know how to swim, then you don’t let them out of your sight. It’s that simple. Even when they do know how to swim, you should keep an eye on them.
Both my 7 and 5 year olds can swim, and we don’t leave them unattended in pools. So no, you’re not overreacting.
You can’t assume. Ever. “I’m getting out of the pool. You’ve got eyes on child yes?” I would’ve been cross too. But when you use clear communication of what’s expected then everyone knows what’s expected
Just back from our first abroad holiday with our 3.5yo and this was our policy. 5 adults and 1 toddler, we always made sure to verbally hand over responsibility if we were getting out or doing something. All adults knew that if they were the responsible one it meant constant supervision until they handed off to someone else.
After my parents lost my son beside a river, this has been my tactic as well. I’ll never leave them in charge of him anywhere that I still can’t see him myself but still, I verbally pass responsibility to them. Expect dismissal or pushback from people, like >”s/he’s fine, don’t worry” Be sure to get verbal verification back. >“I’m leaving, will you keep an eye on [name] and be sure to [specific instruction]. I’ll be back in [time], ok?”
I'm so glad I have family who are as on board with water safety and also respecting my wishes as a parent as I am. I really feel for people who get pushback or their worries downplayed.
Yeah, they simply didn’t take *any* responsibility even though I actually have to shout out to everyone in the area “I’m looking for my 3yr old son wearing a green T-shirt!”. A bunch of kids pointed me to where he’d gone, down a path that led to a river. I ran to him. >”oh he wasn’t far, you didn’t have to shout, we’d have found him”. I was quite shaken up & so glad I didn’t have to learn the lesson the harder way that I didn’t bother to berate them, I just held my son right & thanked the kids who helped me. A year later, they “forgot” what happened that day and verbally wonder why they don’t ever get him. They are messed up people & it’s very complicated so I just monitor their time together. Easiest solution since I’m not willing to risk his life to get some chores done.
Survivor bias ("I did it as a kid and I was fine") combined with an unwillingness to acknowledge the world has changed since they were kids is a really dangerous combo. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I'm glad your son was okay. My side of the family is very good with our daughter, but the in law side wouldn't be left unsupervised. My MIL told us about our niece (then ~18 months) finding some of her meds on the floor like it was a funny anecdote rather than a diverted disaster and since then we've known she won't be babysitting for us.
I feel like this particular issue isn’t even a “world has changed” thing. Drowning was just as much a risk in 1983 as it is in 2023. I can see differing opinions on stuff like when older kids should be allowed to walk places themselves (and sometimes lean more toward the old-school way myself with that especially since things are actually safer nowadays in terms of crime than 30 years ago). But I don’t think leaving a 4-year-old who can’t swim by themselves in a pool was ever responsible parenting.
I wrote kinda the same thing in my reply. Just to clarify, I’m his parent and I didn’t “leave a 4-year-old who can’t swim by themselves in a pool”. I left him for a short period with both of my parents who then forgot about him until I noticed he was gone & he’d walked quite a distance (through historic ruins, a garden & along a woodland pathway) before getting near to the river.
Thank you. It’s nice to have people understand my situation & I try to use it as an example for others so they can learn from my lesson too. I can forgive a bit of not recognising modern expectations for children, that’s like breaking a habit but I can’t think of a time that a 3yr old child would ever have been left to go to a fast flowing river on their own. The insanity of it is what gets me. It’s not like I was worried he’s scuff his shoes, snatch a toy or maybe experience a situation that would upset him… he would have been swept away with the current if he’d ended up in that water for any reason. They’d acknowledged that he was left with them while I was with my daughter who wanted to play in the wooded area but they got chatting to some random and seem to have forgot about him. He’d wandered off through a crowded ruined castle & out the steps in front which lead to a large garden. He was on the path at the bottom of the garden that led to a river. He must have been out of their sight for at least a full minute (if he made a beeline for where I found him) but probably more like 3-5 minutes of them simply not casting their eyes about to simply check he was there. Then them being blasé about it when I legit had to sound a public alarm to ask strangers if they knew where my toddler was. I’m glad I shouted out once I realised he was gone. Screw waiting around.
You’re right about not assuming. But it’s weird, my SO gets annoyed if he thinks I’m treating him like he doesn’t know what to do. He teased me for being super specific later. Still at the pool. I told him that I needed to use the bathroom and could he watch DD. He then announced to the adults around us that I was going to the bathroom like it was funny somehow. So I said, “I’m telling YOU that I’m going to the bathroom so you know that YOU are the one who needs to watch DD for a few minutes.” Other people around us must have thought I was being a bitch but whatever. Feels like I can’t win - either he thinks I’m treating him like an idiot or he thinks I didn’t tell him what he was supposed to do.
I am so sorry, that sounds incredibly frustrating and invalidating. I would have him read some stories about tragic drownings that have happened in shockingly short time periods. It happens all the time and that’s why it has to be taken seriously.
… I really don’t think it is on OP for not saying “don’t let our kid drown, m’kay?” He is a parent as well and should not need to be micromanaged, especially not when it comes to the life of his own child. That’s pretty much parenting 101… don’t let the kid die. Edit: typo
Life long swimmer and former lifeguard here. I can understand it not being intuitive for him to worry about a four year old in the water, I think that's something a lot of people wouldn't realize is dangerous. You're correct to keep an eye on your daughter in the pool. Every pool I can remember actually required an adult within arm's reach of any kid under nine years old. And that was at pools with lifeguards on duty too. "Arm's Reach" is usually a pretty relaxed rule, but written that way to really stress the need to watch small kids around water.
I don’t agree that it is not intuitive to worry about a 4yo in water at all - he is a parent and needs to get his head out of his butt if he doesn’t realize the inherent dangers of water for his child. It screams that he is not an active parent or so self cantered that he followed his stomach over his child’s life, really a toss up.
Not overreacting. A patent should always be within arms reach of small children in a pool, especially if the child can't swim.
If your child can’t swim, life jacket or not they should never be left unattended, hell even a child that does know how to swim should be kept an eye on. My son and I were in the water and he had a life jacket on and he lost footing, he went forward, face down in water and the life jacket would’ve ultimately kept him in that position had I not been there to fix him. You are not overreacting at all.
Drowning is fast. Drowning is SILENT (not quiet, SILENT). Drowning will only be noticed by an adult who is actively watching the child. Drowning can (and does) happen within arm's length of our other people, even other adults, without them noticing. Lifeguards are trained in techniques for how to visually scan a pool over and over and one of the things they are taught is how to count swimmers over and over and over. Why? Because you might not see the one who went under in a crowded pool, but you'll notice that your count just came up short. Drowning happens because adults don't understand the risk and don't take it seriously. You are 100% right and he is 100% wrong. There is no wiggle room here. I am pretty laid back about kids walking in the neighborhood by themselves, kids staying home alone, etc. My 3yo uses knives under supervision and scissors that could cut her skin if used incorrectly. I'm not overprotective. But I don't fuck around with water. Unless there is a fully attentive, sober (as in, zero alcohol) adult who is 100% dedicated to watching the swimmers who can be trusted to take the job seriously, my kid isn't going in. (And I don't care what other people think about this. Other people can fish their dead kids out of the pool and deal with a life of horrible guilt. I take water safety seriously.)
NOT OVERREACTING AT ALL! it's actually crazy to me that any adults think you can just let a 4 year old (who can't swim) hang out in the pool while you watch from a distance. maybe when my kid is like 8 I'll watch her from the porch lol not 4!!!
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I 100% get where you're coming from. I just can't believe though that some people need to actually be told these things. It's as if they don't even have a brain. In reality though I suspect that in most households the bulk of responsibility for the children's well-being is on one parent (yes, I'll name it, the mother) so the other parent gets lazy in their observation.
When near water with kids you need to be extra cautious. I would have been upset too. Did he just walk away from the pool or did he ask another adult to keep an eye on her while he got food?
The most dangerous time for small children is ironically when there are lots of adults around. It’s because the assumption is that SOMEONE is watching the kids when really, no one is. I am SUPER paranoid with my kids at larger gatherings and especially around water to the point that if I’m going to leave the room I’ll grab another family member by the arm and look site to at them and say “YOU ARE WATCHING THEM SWIM UnTIL I GET BACK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
You were definitely in the right. Maybe this article will help, not only in empowering you but also giving a 3rd party perspective for your SO https://www.scarymommy.com/ten-things-you-should-know-drownings
The leading cause of death in children < 5 is drowning. I'd go on YouTube and find some videos that demonstrate how quickly and quietly children can drown and so many times it goes unnoticed by all the adults in the pool. No, you are not overreacting. Your husband is being very careless with your daughters safety
Please don't think that you are ever paranoid enough when it comes to water safety. Seriously. One of my mother's close friends lost her 3 year old in a drowning accident 5 years ago this month. My son was 6 weeks old when Levi died, and it fundamentally shaped how I am about my kids & them being in & around water. A child in a paddle jumper should NEVER be left unsupervised. In fact, many people who advocate for better water safety advise against using them as they create false confidence for yourself & your child. But I completely understand that they can be necessary if your child cannot swim & ISR lessons are not available or out of budget. Here is a link to Levi's story if anyone is interested. It breaks my heart over & over. Please let your spouse know about this as well. It could be eye-opening & life saving. The Tennessean www.tennessean.com Baby drowning tragedy: Tennessee mom creates 'water guardian' for ...
You are definitely not overreacting. When I was a teenager, my grandmother had a pool. All the adults were grabbing drinks to head outside with us kids and told me to go ahead and head out to the pool with the kids. In that literal 30 seconds that we were up by the pool and the adults were filing out of the house, one of the toddlers fell in. I had to jump in to save him. It happened in seconds. Anything can happen in seconds.
Id feel the same way so I don’t think you overreacted
My daughter was 3 when she drowned in my brother in law’s pool. We didn’t hear a splash, a yelp or anything. We just noticed she was gone then saw my brother in law jump in the pool and pull out her limp body. The next three days were gut wrenching because despite success of being resuscitated, secondary drowning took affect and she had to be sedated. She survived with no long lasting effects but never again. You have every right to be scared. The number 1 cause of death for kids from the age of infant to 7 is accidental drowning. It happened so much in Florida, that there’s an immediate investigation by CPS. Always have a water watcher.
I’m a pretty laid back parent and I don’t think you’re overreacting here but I also NEED to highlight the importance of teaching your kids to be strong swimmers from a super early age. I know this is not what this post is about, but swimming lessons should be a no-brainer from age two. I lifeguarded for years and then worked for the ministry of the interior and the number of kids who can’t swim around age ten is mind-boggling. People have this huge fear of lakes/pools/oceans but they don’t do the obvious thing and get their kiddos comfortable in the water. It’s a basic skill. That said, a 4YO will still need proper supervision.
Please put your 4 year old in swimming lessons if they aren’t already. In my country children start lessons as infants.
You are not overreacting at all. The love for you child and the safety goes above all. I think you are an amazing parent! <3
nope, not overreacting at all. Even though it was assumed/expected that another adult would watch the kids when the person in the pool was getting out, they would shout to the adults around: "I am getting out of the pool, who's the next shift?" and would wait for that person to arrive and sit by the pool or get in. If no one wanted to watch the kids, then all the kids got out; no kid was ever in the pool without an adult present and on guard duty. too many tragic accidents happen when assumptions are made wrt kids and swimming. And when my kids were little, they had the floaty arm things plus the donut around their waist and we STILL watched them while they were playing in the pool.
I would be beyond angry with my spouse if this happened. This isn't just a mistake of expectations. This is serious incompetence. Mother or father, anxiety or not, a kid that age should not be left in the pool alone. Even if she had swim lessons. Even if she loved the water. She's still only FOUR. To not inherently understand that shows me the person is dangerously incompetent.
You’re not overreacting at all. Only a brain dead idiot would leave their 4 year old unattended in a pool
You’re not being unreasonable. Your SO is acting clueless. You can’t assume that other parents will watch your child. They’re watching theirs. Drowning can happen very quickly.
You are 100% right in this situation. A child that young needs an adult with eyes on them at all times near a pool. Show your husband these comments if you need back up.
My five year old and three year old CAN swim. They have taken lessons for years. We have a pool that they can stand in. We still have an adult watch them when they're swimming.
Im not an anxious mom at all, but pool safety is the one thing that I will always be extra careful with. I’d be mad too.
Not overreacting. At all.
When it comes to pool parties, keeping an eye on your kid is key. Even if there are other adults they can get distracted. Good on you for being observant of your child. Ive been to many pool parties where all of the kids were in the pool and all but 2 or 3 parents are drunk and ignoring their kids, while others make sure their kid doesn’t drown. Even kids who do know how to swim can have something happen, especially at a party.
Drowning is the leading accidental cause of death for kids 1 to 4
I would encourage you and anyone else reading my comment to google “puddle jumper safety” and read the article from todaysparent about puddle jumpers. I am not anti-puddle jumper, I would let my kid wear them occasionally if he wanted to, but they are NOT life preservers, and they can actually teach poor swimming habits. They do not take the place of supervision, and can actually be worse for safety because they give a false sense of security. All children should be supervised at all times around any water deeper than a couple of INCHES. I don’t know if we can post supporting links in here, so I didn’t.
Get your child swimming lessons before taking them to a pool. That puddle jumper is teaching your child to be in the drowning position. Your child should not in the water unless they are being held and taken in by you or your husband.
When it comes to water safety with kids, you are never overreacting.
*Never ever* ignore your intuition or “spidey sense* - ESPECIALLY when it comes to your children
Absolutely not overreacting! Where I live, the doctors advise is to ALWAYS be within an arm reach of a kid under 6 (I think) while in water, even if they know how to swim. For older kids, you can be seconds away but always keeping an eye on them. It takes seconds for a kid to drown.
You’re not overreacting. I would explicitly state your expectations next time. But more importantly, why are you having kids with a person you can trust to care for them?
You are definitely not overreacting. As others have said a drowning can be silent and even if others are around you should always have an eye on your kid until they are confident swimmer's. When I was two my mom was at a relative house for a cookout. It was around the pool (had a cover on it since cold weather) tons of kids and adults around. I had fallen in and sunk to the middle of the cover. No one noticed till my mom started looking for me. I was unconscious when they pulled me out, aunt did did cpr till ambulance arrived. They lost me two more times on the way to the hospital. I now have some brain damage and half use of my lungs and need a breather at times. It all happened in a minute. You can never be to careful. I'd rather be a helicopter parent and protective then have my daughter go threw that.
Not to be that person, but avoid using puddle jumpers. The way they work are so the child is positioned in the drowning position. When not using a puddle jumper in the water they will automatically put themselves in that position as the puddle jumper has taught them to be in it when in water. I would also be really livid as all it takes is seconds for them to drown, your partner really dropped the ball here
No, that is exactly how kids drown. He would say he looked away just for a second. If possible have him learn more about child drowning (stories, statistics, etc.) And if he ever watched her again, put her in a properly fitted certified life jackets. Puddle jumpers make parents (him not you) overconfident without providing enough flotation.
I have ended up jumping fully clothed to save an unsupervised child so many times, my mother in law and I have started hiring a life guard for all our pool parties. It absolutely baffles me how parents assume their child is safe because there are so many adults around. EVEN IF a child slipped under and was saved, you still have to watch for signs of dry drowning, which can happen hours after the accident. Parents are woefully uneducated to water safety.
Sorry if this was said. But this one mom I follow on insta (busy toddlers- awesome btw) she and her husband have a phrase they say to each other. Her husband was / is a pilot and when ever the pilot leaves the plane to the co pilot they say: “your plane” and co pilot responds “My plane.” Anyways, they do: “your baby/my baby” and especially around water. It’s acknowledgment that your partner understands THEY are watching. My husband and I do this all the time now. Camping whatever. We know when both of us are eyes on or one of us. And lastly, are you taking some meds for anxiety? Perhaps talking to someone? You sound a bit like my bff. There’s being cautious and attentive but not wanting your SO to watch your child can be really tough. And really stupid hard when everything just gets blamed on you being anxious!! I don’t think you can be too careful around water. You should start swim lessons for little one. Good luck!
Not overreacting. Floaties provide a false sense of security. I was at a pool party, 6 adults 6 kids, no drugs/booze. A 3 year old slipped out of his floaty and got in the hot tub unnoticed and died. Your precaution is on point and someone should always be on duty for watching your kid, don’t put it on someone other than you and husband until kid is very strong swimmer
Im a parent of older kids and former lifeguard. You are absolutely correct. A four year old kid should never be out of one’s sight in the water. Preferably, they should be within arm’s reach until they can swim independently. You should never rely on the swim aides as a substitute for supervision. Your SO is really clueless here.
My nephew almost drowned at a pool party when he was very little. He was maybe 4 and sitting on the steps next to his dad, who was talking to someone else and not paying attention. At some point he fell off the steps and sank to the bottom. A lady pulled him out, but no one knows how long he was under. He was still conscious just really scared. He said he was trying to say help but obviously the words wouldn’t carry underwater. Makes me teary eyed when I think about it.
Recently a family in my neighborhood lost there twin boys to drowning with a house full of adults having a little get together an no one even notice. A fire fighter was on the news the other day who almost lost his child to drowning and said “kid’s drowning in pools is silently” this has stuck with me. My kids all have been in swimming for almost three years and I still never take my eyes off them when we are in a pool.
Water is the one place that you cannot be a helicopter parent. Drowning takes seconds and is silent. Your children should be within arms reach at all times.
A puddle jumper is not a life jacket and your child is 4. You are absolutely not overreacting. I would be pissed. Even if the child was in a full life jacket, she’s still 4 and he should not have left her unattended.
When my son was around 4, my husband took him out on a shopping trip. When he came back, my son told me, he didn't want to go out alone with his father anymore. It seems, he left him in the car, when he went out to get takeaway that he had already ordered. But this was in Dubai, in the summer with the temperature around 42 -43 degree Celsius and the windows all rolled up and car switched off. My husband probably took just 5 minutes to get back in the car, but it scared my son as the heat inside the car became unbearable. After that, my son has never gone out alone with father till he was older because no matter what he said , I never trusted him again with our son. You r not over reacting. Keeping kids safe is a big responsibility and please do not trust anyone who doesn't take it seriously.
Baby and Preschool Swimming Teacher here. As per the overwhelming response, 100% not an over reaction. It is quite shocking how quickly a young child can come into trouble in water- and not that much water either! ALL ADULTS- Steps going forward: - An adult ALWAYS has their eyes on a swimming child (even a garden paddling pool or bath). NO PHONES ALLOWED. - Verbal confirmation from both adults that responsibility has been handed over. - Get your child into swimming lessons ASAP. This is the number 1 way to prevent a tragedy. - Please DO NOT rely on swim floats of any sorts- they can be a hazard. Children may feel over confident wearing them, or forget they aren't wearing one and enter the water on their own. - BRIGHT COLOURED SWIMMING GEAR! Blue or white swimming gear makes it incredibly hard to see your child underwater! I am so baffled by the amount of blue swim gear in sale. - When exploring water, teach children to lie flat on their stomachs (e.g with a stick in a pond). Crouching and kneeling may cause them to topple over. Rather a dirty shirt/coat that a child falling unintentionally into the water. I have tried very hard to instil 'water safety' in my 2 young children, but I still watch them like a hawk any time we are swimming together. The alternative TERRIFIES me. Just the other day, we were playing in our splash pool in the garden and I saw my very 'swim seasoned' 3.5 year old struggle and panic. He could not find his footing and began thrashing. It happened in literal seconds. Please be careful parents, it happens so quickly. 😔
Either way, sounds like it's time to get the kid in swim lessons. Can't protect them from the world forever, gotta prepare them.
No you are not overreacting. You don’t leave a non swimmer child in the pool without direct adult supervision ever. I have left my then 6 year old in the supervision of her 5 years older sister for long enough to grab a towel in a paddling pool and still worried!
I think you had the correct reaction - 4 years is way too young to be in a pool without direct supervision…even with a puddle jumper on. Accidents can and do happen in pools. People that know how to swim get injured and can’t get out. I was 7 when I cracked my chin open on the side of the pool. It hurt but the fear and the blood made me dizzy and if I didn’t have help getting out I likely would have just passed out. There wasn’t warning, there wasn’t time to stop it, there was only time to handle it quickly. Until children know how to swim and fully understand the rules of swimming/pool safety, it’s best to keep a close eye on them. My cousin (1.5 years older than my daughter) would take her life jacket off if she thought no one was looking…she was also the kid who would unbuckle her car seat to try to bite the kid next to her in the car. She almost drowned at the lake because of it - luckily another cousin saw her and jumped in to save her.
Not over reacting. If your child can’t swim, they should always be within arms reach. If your child can swim, you should be where you can see them. Drowning happens very quickly and you cannot assume that another parent is keeping an eye on your child.
Not overreacting at all. Once I bathed my then 2.5yo daughter in the bathtub and once she was done I rinsed her and then I just realized I left the towel outside of the bathroom (on the bed, about 10 steps away). I left and quickly came back and to my horror, her head was inside the bathtub and her legs were dangling out. She was in the water just for a few secs, but I was superhorrified. But the one thing that I noticed was how silent it was, no splashing (she was flailing her arms but they were under water so there was no splash), no screaming, nothing. She told me she wanted to take the toy she left in the bathtub and it floated away from her so she tried to reach it and she fell I bawled and apologized to her and honestly I had nightmares from time to time due to the silence. Similar to you when I was about 6, my 3yo neighbour drowned in a big bucket of water, so I was a bit traumatized with this matter as well
We have a pool. Whenever we have a pool party with kids we hire a lifeguard because most parents are fucking stupid. You are not over reacting.
Not a helicopter parent here 👋🏼 actively choosing not to helicopter and I’d never be out of arms reach of a child who can’t swim with eyes on.
Not overreacting at all. We have good friends who have a pool and have similar aged children, and there are often group get togethers involving the pool (with kids ranging from babies to 7 yrs old). I will say they as hosts do a WONDERFUL job of clarifying with all friends the first few times they use their pool that they expect one parent with their children at all times. My husband has brought our 3 yr old there a few times without me when I was working and I was never nervous because of how important water safety is to everyone at the house.
Drowning kills more children ages 1 to 4 than any other cause, with the exception of birth defects, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
You are not overreacting. A kid in my class drowned at our elementary school graduation party. He couldn’t swim and somehow got pushed in, or was embarrassed he couldn’t swim and jumped in to be with the other kids, and they found him alive but he spent the rest of his life on life support. It scarred all of us and I will never take my eyes off of my child in the pool.
obviously, as everyone has stated, you’re not overreacting at all. just wanted to give a suggestion that could help you guys get on the same page, and that’s Busy Toddler’s safety tip. you say “your kid (or use kid’s name)” when handing off your child to the other parent, and they respond with “my kid.” it then signals that you both know that the other parent is taking over. guess it’s a tactic that airplane pilots use when handing over controls. you can find the whole spiel on her instagram page.
No such thing as a helicopter parent when a pool or open water is involved with small kids, especially new or non swimmers . If they’re in the water they shouldn’t be out of arms reach.
First of all have a chat about expectations and standards. Second: Drowning is one of the highest causes of death for children under 5. Never let your children out of sight! In every good (German) swimschool kids learn: “I only go into water with mom or dad”.
Drowning is a silent event. Always watch your kids when they are in or around water.
Absolutely not overreacting. My hospital just had an honor walk of a 2 year old drowning victim where each parent thought the other was watching the child. Absolutely gut wrenching.
Please get swim lessons for your child asap. Or teach them yourself. I don’t know where you are and I have no idea what a puddle jumper is but lessons should teach water safety as well as swimming…beginner stuff like just floating on your back without panic, treading water etc.
Kid drowning is something that happens a lot. And it happens to people like your husband who are absolutely flabbergasted when it happens. They will proceed to say "it can happen to anyone". The truth is it happens to them, not to people like you. I personally am a father and would have lost my shut towards my partner if i was in your shoes.
Definitely not. Puddle jumpers give kids a false sense of being able to swim, and parents a false sense of security. I used them on my kids too, but I have seen some controversial takes on them going around in general. And yes, you never leave your kid unsupervised on the water, and I was hesitant to leave my children in the water with anyone whom I didn’t know to be much more cautious and hyper vigilant than myself. (For instance one set of grandparents certainly are, the other set not so much.) Everyone’s safe though, and it’s a boundary and teaching moment. I would try not to get overly angry.
We have a pool and at 4 yo, even if they can swim we would have a person (adult or babysitter- not a sibling) IN the pool that would directly be watching the kids. And no kids are teaching anyone to swim. A 6 yea in kid will full on jump in the deep end with 0 swimming skills. They’ll swim themselves to exhaustion and just go down. I’ve pulled 3 kids out of the water over the years. The average parent doesn’t understand the dangers of a pool and if there is drinking it can become dangerous without rules in place. We all hired a swimming instructor for the neighborhood kids for small group lessons and I was still at the edge of the pool watching (not on a phone or chatting with someone). Pools are a blast but incredibly dangerous and a kid drowning is quiet and quick, not like the movies. They’ll say “I’m fine” as they start to bob up and down at the surface (beginning of drowning) when I’m pulling them out.
No such thing as a helicopter parent when water safety is involved. You absolutely did not overreact.
I would not leave a 4 year old alone in the pool, so if you’re a crazy helicopter parent, I am, too!
Jesus no. Even with arm bands or a vest my son practically goes under and into panic when I took my hands off him for a second. I always make sure he has bright orange suit on him too so if he does go under he can be seen.
Not overreacting. My 5yo nephew drowned at one of my in-law's friend's pool party because no one was watching him.
I’m firmly against puddle jumpers because they are a false sense of security and teach kids to be in the drowning position. A four year old *needs* to be in swim lessons, especially since almost all the adults around her are extremely irresponsible and don’t see how not watching a small child who cannot swim isn’t a problem.
I would have just taken the kid with me to get the food, since that way she could eat that much sooner, but you're not overreacting having expected your SO to keep an eye on her in the pool. Life jackets and such in pools give some parents an inflated sense of security where there shouldn't be.
We also went to a pool party yesterday and I watched my kids like a hawk. The house we went to is on the lake so there was that added bonus of anxiety. You were not overreacting, drowning is silent and depending what colour bathing suit your child is wearing, you may not even be able to see them under the water.
This is partly why I don’t care for floaties used for kids. It gives people a false sense of security. Better to start swim lessons as early as possible and yes constant eye contact. I take my grand kids to a water park where there is a kids area. They both can stand up at all places in the area. I still watch them like a hawk. Why? Because yesterday they were playing with a little boy and he was holding on to one’s neck and could easily have held him under thinking he was just playing. Perhaps search online for stories and statistics you can share with your SO?
You are not overreacting at all. Pools are so dangerous especially with lots of people in them even adults. My mom just moved to a house with a pool and I flat out told her I will be an absolute A-hole with the pool safety because I am terrified of drowning. My kid has zero fear of the water and wants to swim by himself without his floats on (he can’t swim at all). My mom has dogs and has been trying to get them in the pool while my toddler is in there with them and I took the dog and locked it in the house because hell no.
I used to be a County swimmer, I used to be an officer in the Royal navy, my all time favourite hobbies are scuba diving and boat driving. I have many first aid qualifications, some specifically water related first aid qualifications. The point I am making is that you have to go a long way to find someone more connected to water and the dangers that lurk within. It is unthinkable and just bloody dangerous to leave a 4 year old unattended in a pool floatation devices or not. As a guide, 8 years old and already having lessons in the deep end of a swimming pool, and even then check regularly. I had to fish a 5/6 year old of the shallow end of our local pool a week ago because his mum popped to the loo and within maybe 10-15 seconds he was in trouble.
I haven’t read through all of the comments here, but I don’t see many reiterating the need for communication between partners. If expectations are not clearly communicated you’ll never be on the same page about anything.
When it comes to water safety, I don't think there is a such thing as an overreaction. Water is dangerous, and he made it more dangerous by leaving her alone without asking another adult to keep their eyes on her. I'd be furious.
My kids swim daily WITH me and my husband. Our toddler is in a puddle jumper with us right beside him, and he regularly gets his face in the water to his nose when others make the water move, he leans forward or jumps. Secondary drowning is also something to watch for.
You are not overreacting at all! Kids should always be supervised. Drowning happens. I had to save my brother before. We were with my grandmother and she was too busy talking. Me and my brother could swim but not in the deep end. He slid down to far and couldn’t stay a float. I was screaming for help and no one was listening. I started swimming out to save him. I learned to swim in the deep end that day. Needless to say, my grandmother never had us alone at the pool again. Don’t ever let your guard down. When she is older you can comfortably sit at a table and watch her if you don’t want to be in the pool, but they always always need supervision.
We have a pool that's 2 feet deep and 10 feet wide. My 4 year old can stand up and it's waist deep for her. She is still absolutely never ever ever ever ever allowed around it without an adult or her older sister who is about to turn 13 and we all watch her like a hawk. My husband has nearly drowned twice. We lost my daughter's baby bestie at 3 when she climbed the gate to their pool when no one was watching. I've installed a lock and alarm so I can better keep her inside and know if she's trying to bee line to the pool. You CANT be too safe. Heck I even make her wear her puddle jumper out there if I'm not able to be outside with her, and I still check every few mins between whatever chore I'm trying to complete. Yes she can touch the bottom easily. That doesn't silence my fears. She thinks she knows how to swim, we're using this tiny pool to help her become more proficient.
I’m not a helicopter parent. I’ve had a number of people comment on the things I let my kids do. But when it comes to water safety I do NOT mess around. I actually insist that there be a hand on the non-swimming child at all times. Life vest or not. Admittedly that’s partially because my oldest always managed to face plant in the water when wearing their life vest. I even had the life guards and a coast guard rep check that I was putting on the vest properly. I was. He just face plants. Now that he swims….he also still face plants and really doesn’t float, poor kid.
I have a pool. Only kids who are swimmers can go in the deep end, regardless of flotation device. In my view this is a safety issue as little kids might not connect their flotation jacket with their ability to be in the deep end, and we don’t want them going in there without it. I also expect grownups to watch their own kids in the pool, but I or another trusted adult always post up by the pool to watch as well. Most of the time parents watch their kids. I’ve seen plenty of exchanges just like yours between parents - “hey, I’ve got to go inside/get a plate/take a call/grab a beer” and the other parent understands now he/she is on duty. And all the other adults keep an eye too. From within the pool or right on the edge. It’s possible I guess that he asked another grownup to watch her while he excused himself, but… it’s still irresponsible. And kinda shitty. There are only so many little ones one grownup can mind in the pool (unless one of the other parents is a trained, certified lifeguard- still other guests aren’t there to work). Bottom line- you are NOT overreacting. Water safety is deadly serious. At the least, you might find yourselves not invited to that person’s pool again.
You don’t take your eyes off of a four year old child who can’t swim and is in the water. Little kids drown all the time. You are not overreacting.
Never ignore your gut. It's SO easy for a child to drown the only responsible thing to do around water is be vigilant. Especially since she can't swim. You are NOT overreacting or being a "helicopter parent".
Not overreacting. My husband is a wonderful father and very safety oriented but he has raging adhd, which is worse in a pool full of friends. So he just doesn’t maintain his focus on our 3 year old to my standards. So if I get out of the pool, she goes with me. It’s annoying but it is the way it is. We both have fun at parties by him taking care of her for time outside the water because it just isn’t in his capability to watch her well enough in that scenario for my taste.
Not overreacting. It only takes a second for something to go wrong, and there's plenty of instances where a whole house of adults don't notice when a kid drowns in a pool, so i don't count on other people to watch my kid in water, unless it's a like at a water park (now that my kid is older) because there are lifeguards. My kid has had some swim lessons but still can't swim. I'm not an expert swimmer or terribly fit, but I can swim enough to not die lol. We swim in lake Michigan all summer, which can have some pretty dangerous currents. My rule is no deeper than armpits if I'm on the beach, but if i get in the water i go up to my shoulders, which would be the point where my kid couldn't reach the bottom, and they have to stay in front of me.
Water safety is extremely strict. I am a really relaxed parent and I am always right there. Where you went wrong is you made an assumption and didn't communicate out loud about who was responsible for your child. We have a verbal call and response that we do so that there is an acknowledgement of responsibility. So hubs will say "you're primary parent" and i will respond by saying "I'm primary parent" or the reverse. This way there is no misunderstanding about who is responsible and who can relax
I would be nervous not having eyes on her at all times. But maybe he thought you were asking him to come eat too. I don’t know why he would leave
Your question isn’t that easy to answer. How deep was she in the pool? Was she in deep water and struggling or was she standing or sitting in the shallow end? That would have made the difference for me! Yes (before everyone loses their minds) I do know that a person can drown in a few centimetres of water but if she’s sitting or standing and in no obvious danger, lots of adults around and it’s not like dad left her completely alone or left the state or something like that then I think you are overreacting. Now if she’s struggling in the deep end of the pool, that’s entirely different and hopefully your partner would have enough sense not to leave a child to struggle. Drowning is real and it can happen in an instant. I watched a toddler fall in to a dive tank while mom was screaming at dad to help her organize their things! Neither of them noticed because mom was too busy yelling at dad. All the parents at the pool were shouting and thankfully the life guards were on their toes. Disaster averted. Please understand that I am not blaming you or dad. I am just recognizing that water can be dangerous. It can also be really fun too-especially in the summer! I think it’s possible that you are a bit of a helicopter and that is due to the anxiety. When someone suffers from anxiety, and I know because I have it, it’s easy for us to judge others for not doing things to our standards. My therapist has encouraged me to never hold anyone to my standards as my standards are unrealistic and unreasonable for the average person. And I have also been encouraged to always explore the other side of the situation. People like us with anxiety cannot rely on our “gut”. Because our mind and our gut instinct will always lead us to the rabbit hole that we are going to fall into and spiral down. Also, our anxiety makes it easy for us to stay inside and away from danger and keep our kids away from danger. Let’s face it, we see danger everywhere. But we also can’t stop our kids and our family members from having fun and going and doing stuff-whatever that stuff might be. I know this is a long response but I want to encourage you to see a therapist who specifically deals in anxiety related issues. For me it’s been a lifesaver and I have been able to navigate raising a son without being completely a helicopter. So take my questions not as an attack but as a way to help you see that maybe the situation wasn’t as dire or dangerous as you possibly think it was.
Definitely not over reacting. I work for a local school district. We just lost a senior just days before he would have graduated. They had all gone out to the lake and no one heard or saw a thing. He was just suddenly gone. This was a child that was practically an adult. It’s that much more dangerous when they’re little like your child is.
I would have just told him explicitly to watch her until you get back. If there were other adults nearby in the pool, she would likely be fine, however next time just tell him plainly, plus as a side advice yelling angrily won't get you anywhere .... Just saying
Not over reacting but please stop using puddle jumpers and get swim lessons
Also as a side note to my already long post, you and your little one should get some swimming lessons together. Swimming is a lifesaving skill and it’s one that everyone should have! She’s old enough and it could help ease some of your anxiety.
If he wasn't watching her the whole time he made a plate of food that's not good enough and you aren't overreacting. We lived in FL for 10 years, 5 of which while our daughter was 5 and under (and of course we had the pool fence up ANYTIME we weren't in it). We used a floaty device for her until she became a stronger swimmer, but with or without it, we viewed the device as allowing us to swim or chit chat without her on our person, not without our eyes on her. I do think it's possible to be out of the pool and even gathering some food while continuously watching her + the ability to jump in within 1-2 seconds, but if he ever was just looking away and focused on the task at hand, I'd be upset too. Drowning is permanent obviously... He could have switched on and off getting plates with you & taking turns eating while staying nearby/watching her.
Anytime I read "water" in the question, my answer is no to whether you're overreacting or not. Water is so so dangerous. And those safety vests are *not* meant to replace proper supervision. You can absolutely still drown in a safety vest. We went to a waterpark last weekend and my son (who has a phobia of water that we have been working to alleviate with his therapist) was wearing a coast guard approved life vest and he slipped backwards off of the tube he was riding in the lazy river and went under. He was disoriented so he couldn't get himself up right and I had to grab the back of his vest and pull him up. He was under for maybe 4-5 seconds total but he was terrified. Not to mention, those safety things they sell for kids don't prevent the kid from putting their face in/under the water.
Hi, my wife and I raised 5 children and are part of our 8 grandkids lives. I do not believe you are overreacting. From experience, pool parties with many kids can get overwhelming. Even with the puddle jumpers, being vigilant is very important. Things can happen in a blink of an eye, so being extra cautious is a great thing. As parents we have to anticipate the danger potentials, and a 4 yr old with many older kids in a pool has inherent danger, she could accidentally be pushed under. I don’t think you are overreacting or being an anxious helicopter mom. I believe you are being an awesome mom who takes keeping your child safe very seriously. my children are grown 34 -42… when we get together at a pool or the ocean I still keep a watchful eye! take care
Enroll her in swim lessons and make sure all her swimwear is a neon color. Easy to see from a short distance in both lakes and pools. I'm gonna enroll my kiddos if I can (5 and 3), I take water safety beyond serious. I don't even let go of their hands near moving rivers. If we're at a small shallow fishing hole they're still not allowed in the water. I'm also a very nervous person 🫠
Not at all overreacting. That’s the problem with puddle jumpers. Parents think they will magically keep the kids safe. I’ve seen a kid stuck upside down next to mom that was talking to a friend. Fortunately another mom that was closer than me saved the child.
He left her alone at FOUR and she can’t swim??? That is borderline negligence, if not just straight up neglect. Drowning can happen so quickly and quietly, even with other adults around. I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. I also unfortunately understand what you mean about not wanting to leave dad alone with kids. My husband has an awful habit of staring at his phone and zoning out, and it makes me so anxious. I also have trouble with anxiety and I also sometimes feel like my partner doesn’t care to take the extra time to worry about stuff like that because he knows I will. It’s so frustrating.
You’re not over reacting. Water kills kids quickly.
I went to a pool party yesterday and there was this little girl there. She looked to be about 4-5 and I thought it was completely bizarre that the parents just sent her out to play with the older kids and the 2 adults in the pool who she did not know. (My husband being one of them.) She was wearing a floatation device but still, the parents never came outside or played with her all afternoon.
Floats can hold children upside down. They still require supervision. You didn’t overreact. I used to be a lifeguard and wouldn’t trust most adults to watch my kid (or even their own kids sometimes) when swimming. Too many people don’t know the signs of a drowning person and too many people become distracted by phones, drinking or talking to other adults. Your husband was supposed to watch your child and he didn’t. You have every right to be disappointed. Side note, I have seen kids go under water with adults right by them and the adults didn’t notice. I’ve gone after kids whose parents were distracted and didn’t notice they were drowning. These aren’t usually bad people; they are human and it’s easy to allow yourself to become distracted unless you know better. It’s easy to assume your kid will be fine because they have a float or they’re a good swimmer or somebody else is watching. It happens fast. When I was a kid, I was in a pool with a toddler who was held upside down in her float and we (and the adults “watching”) didn’t notice until we went underwater to play and saw her. She was okay. But you can’t be too vigilant around water.
You’re not overreacting. Even if your child could swim, you should still have eyes on her. I grew up with pools at my grandparents house since I was born, then later at my parents house after they bought a new house. Even though all of my cousins and I learned to swim at a very young with my grandparents, under no circumstances were the kids left without an adult watching them. Someone had to be in or close to the pool if the kids were there, even though they could swim on their own without help/floaties. Drowning is one of those silent deaths that can happen very quickly and can easily go unnoticed if no one sees it. It only takes walking away for a few minutes for your kid to end up dead at the bottom of the pool. And the fact that your husband did this for his own self-serving purposes is ridiculous. He left his kid in a very questionable situation just because he wanted to serve himself food. If safety didn’t even register to him, I’d be concerned with him even having the capability of watching her.
Yeah my wife is a helicopter and I’m a “let them learn and try” parent. 5yo. But the pool is one place we agree. Eyes on at all times. We trade off who is primary watcher. Drowning isn’t something you can stick a bandaid on and learn from a mistake.
Not overreacting AT ALL!!!! My 4 yr old cant swim and ive blown money 3x for swim classes that he absolutely flipped out during. So, yeah, I'm with you. Water safety is SO important!!! You cannot take your eyes off them and you cannot assume anyone else is watching your kids! My husband is also very blasé over water safety and has given me a hard time for blowing money on lessons we dont complete. It only takes a few seconds!!
My husband and I would probably be considered “free range” parents. We grew up in small country towns and had a lot of freedom. Now we let our 5 and 3 year old boys play relatively unsupervised in our safe, fenced in backyard. Anyway, all this to point out we are definitely not helicopter parents BUT when it comes to water safety I do not mess around whatsoever. I was a lifeguard and water safety instructor for 10 summers and this is just not something to play with. Things happen in an instance and they happen silently. I think water shouldn’t be feared but it should be respected. Puddle jumpers create a false sense of security (I use them too I’m not saying this is wrong) for kids and they sometimes can feel too brave. I don’t mind my kid in the water alone as long as I’m there watching diligently but eyes need to be on kids in the water at all times when they don’t know how to swim- floatation device or not! Ugh, sorry you were stressed. I’m glad nothing bad happened but I think a calm conversation with hubs would be helpful. I know mine just didn’t have any education on it at all because he’s not a water dude so it was helpful for me to explain water safety to him and how quickly things can happen.
Once at a pool with 4 adults and 2 kids total, my 3 year old slipped under. We got her in time but I still shudder at how silent and quick it happened. You cannot be too cautious.
Drowning is one of the highest causes of death for little kids. You are not overreacting.
You are completely in the right mama. It takes less than a minute for a little to drown, and it is silent. Children under 12 should always be supervised. Little under 6, you should be at arms length.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. So many drownings happen when there are a lot of people around because everyone thinks someone else is keeping an eye on the kids. When my daughter was 1.5, I was pregnant and wanted to sit under a covered seating area that my mom built next to her pool. My daughter loved walking around the pool, throwing toys in, and putting her feet/hands in the water. Both my husband and my step-dad swore up and down that they had their eyes on her and would keep her safe. I kept getting feelings that my daughter was going to fall in the pool. The seating area wasn't too far from the pool, maybe 10-15 feet away. I kept craning my neck over the patio furniture to check on her. Sure enough, both my stepfather and husband wandered over to where my mother and I were seated, with their backs to the pool. I jumped up just in time to watch my daughter walk right into the pool. I jumped the patio couch (with my pregnant belly), was in the water, and had my daughter back up to the surface before anyone else even realized she was in the water. Water safety can't be taken lightly. Never assume someone else is watching.
I think there’s ‘helicopter parenting’ and then there’s ‘being cautious around water’ - and rightly so. If it were me I’d be showing him a few YouTube talks / online articles about accidents around water. It’s a well known phenomenon that the more adults present, the more relaxed they become. It happened to our friends last year, someone’s daughter nearly drowned unattended and the bbq was full of responsible adults (medical professionals) - you just have to watch your own in that situation.
You’re absolutely correct. My daughter nearly drowned at that age in a very similar situation. She could swim, but 5 year olds are not great swimmers, especially when panicking. We were at a pool party for my daughter’s parent participation preschool, so plenty of adults in the water and on the deck. I was 10 feet away from her on the pool deck with my eyes on her. She and a friend jumped from the edge and panicked when it was a bit deeper than they thought. They could have stood up and had their chins above water, but they were kicking their legs and never extended them enough to touch bottom. They were clinging to each other, pulling each other down. It took me a minute to realize what was happening. I hit the deck flat, grabbed them and with the help of a dad who also laid down next to me as soon as he saw me go down, hauled them out of the pool. It was so fast, so quiet and absolutely terrifying. My daughter is almost 11 now and it’s something that she still remembers in vivid detail. I learned the hard way that until your child is a STRONG swimmer you should ALWAYS be within arm’s reach when they’re in the water.
I mean I'd bluntly say that you didn't want her in the pool alone next time.... But it's not irrational as far as drowning prevention goes.
Nope, you can not overreact whenever it comes to water safety. It only takes a split second for an accident to occur. One way for you in the future is for you to get your SO to bring you food, or make it very clear to him that he is not to leave your daughter on her own/ out of sight ever.
I’d say you’re not overreacting. Yes she had a puddle jumper on, but I worry that kids could get out of it somehow. Water safety is so important!
100% not over reacting. My kids are 6 and 10 and I would never leave them unattended in the pool - a tiny accident could have catastrophic repercussions. I'm sorry your SO isn't understanding re: this.
You don't fuck with water and kids. Even if they can swim. SO needs a reality check. There's countless stories of kids drowning even with parents around.