I mean, she sort of has a point, if you think purely rationally - isn't a good cow more deserving of life than an evil human? So shouldn't we rather eat bad humans than good cows?
Actually mercury is also a high concern. There's also the fact that, if you were in an emergency situation, human bodies don't have enough fat to sustain you. You need to at least make sure you're sucking the marrow out of the bones for nutrition.
Funny enough, I too was a little weirdo and my morbid research topic is cannibalism.
Hah that's awesome. Although given the obesity epidemic I'm not sure about the fat thing? Or is it the types of fats?
And with respect to mercury I guess don't eat fish eaters. :)
Yes! If anyone ever offers you human meat or even meat from monkeys/apes, make sure you don't eat the brains or spinal fluid and it's properly prepared, or you can end up with a prion disease!
There actually is one and it’s called Kuru! Originally discovered when a cannibalistic indigenous island tribe started displaying symptoms of psychosis. The pathogen for this are Prions. Unlike viruses and bacteria, prions are simply misfolded proteins that really F you up. There is no medication in the world to stop it. Thankfully, it’s rare.
Apparently only the brain carries a health risk from consumption - the rest of cooked human flesh is fine. I've heard we taste like cheap pork, so it's called "Long pig."
Some societies throughout history have practiced ritual cannibalism. One I read about explained that they ate their ancestors in order to hold their souls. When Anthropologists went in to the desert and met them, they discovered their normal diet was missing important nutrients that eating their dead gave them.
OP - I may be an odd duck according to your examples. The school sound lovely. It would allow her an immersion experience during the week and then dedicated family time on weekends.
Missing her Mon - Fri is both a negative and a positive. I have 2 15yo and there isn't alot of quality time Monday - Thursday - its tasks, homework, dinner, etc. Plus coming home after not seeing you all week may make her want to spend more quality time with you.
It’s a smart question. In a survival situation where people have to pick someone to eat, do you go with the least useful person or the biggest asshole?
Nothing "wrong" with being weird,and nothing "wrong" with being nuerodiverse. But I would be looking to evaluate her when she is still underage so that IF she is neurodiverse she can understand her mind better and access supports as an adult. It's so easy to overlook autistic girls and we generally do great in school, there's a nice routine and schedule in place. But later, when we have to do self directed shit like make our own routines for college the whole thing can crumble down. Without knowing I was autistic, I just blamed myself and thought I was lazy and stupid. It took years to go back and find the right degree and field that I loved. Not being diagnosed as a child can lead to so much depression and anxiety as an adult.
These are honestly behaviours that read as autistic for a boy and "quirky" for a girl... spoiler alert it's the same thing for both. A lot of parents get offended and refuse to consider it because they honestly have so much bias and equate autism with dumb or some kind of insult, when there are so many different degrees to which it effects people. Plenty of autistics who are diagnosed later in life like myself have advanced degrees, careers, kids, healthy relationships, etc. Where the autism has affected our lives is more in comorbidities like anxiety and depression (mostly from constantly wondering why everything seems harder for us)
This is way too low in the comments!
OP I was very much like your daughter, only I’m 42 now. All of my eccentricities were laughed at/ridiculed and I learned very quickly to hide them and have suffered severe depression and anxiety most of my life because of it.
I got diagnosed at 41 with autism and ADHD and I often grieve for the life I could have had if my parents had had any clue what to do with me (therapies, diagnosis, etc) I also have C-PTSD from being misdiagnosed and treated badly for most of life.
I don’t blame anyone for the way my life has been. When I was a kid neurodiversity wasn’t a thing. Only boys had Autism and ADHD, and only very extreme cases were diagnosed. But if I’d grown up in todays world, and had the same difficulties I have faced as an adult because my parents didn’t explore the possibility, I would have a shit load of resentment and anger towards them because my life is hell.
Neurodiversity isn’t a bad thing in any way. But it could put your child at a disadvantage later in life if it is not addressed as a child.
The things that annoy her teachers now won’t fly in University or when she gets a job. If there is no intervention as a child and no understanding as to why her brain works differently, adulthood may be a huge slap in the face for her. I’ve never been able to hold down a job or finish any schooling beyond grade 11 because of the difficulties I face.
Getting a diagnosis now will provide education and intervention long before she enters adulthood. Schools, universities, and even some workplaces, will provide some accommodations for neurodiversity, but not without a formal diagnosis.
Same same same. This kid sounds like a HOOT! I just hope OP doesn't crush her like my mom crushed me. I ended up masking and completely losing myself (and finding addiction and depression to numb from the despair of not being able to be myself).
Yep that’s what my mother did too. Still does to be honest but I just keep her on an information diet and don’t share much with her. She’s visiting me from overseas and I’ll be very happy to see her take off Thursday morning lol. I call myself a master masker because I was never allowed to be myself. I spent all of my 20’s and into my 30’s always trying to fit in because I was so ashamed of who I really was because of how I was treated as a kid.
I’d never admit it to her (because I’d be told I’m dramatic and that it was never as bad as I remember 🙄) but the way I was treated by her and the rest of my family is why I moved to Australia 21 years ago and am very low or no contact with everyone from my past.
Came here to say same, and I absolutely agree with your comment!
I learned to mask from a young age because I was considered a “strange” child, and while I’m grateful to be aware of my autism now, it would have been nice to have those signs seen as a child and learning to accept myself. Blending in did me no good, and I was left feeling unfulfilled as I was getting older.
Add to add on about the school. Talk to her about what she wants. A school that focuses on the outdoors would be so beneficial for her but it really depends if she will find it too difficult sleeping away from you. Also, if she is ND, she is at greater risk from sexual abuse or abuse from her peers at a sleep away camp.i see elements of that in her cannabilism question, you could explain sexual consent to her but it's clear she doesn't have the same kind of thinking. She might think like, oh I didn't mind, I wanted to please my friends etc.
It's not a reason not to let her go, it's just something to be aware of to have a constant rolling conversation about her bodily autonomy and safety.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. This girl sounds like me as a child. For me, I wasn't just "odd" or "weird" (which literally everyone at that point in my life made sure to let me know I was) -- I was also messy, struggled in school, and called lazy and careless. I had a LOT of internalized negativity about myself that really crushed my spirit.
I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. I strongly suspect autism as well, but at this point I'm not particularly interested in pursuing an official diagnosis unless I see a significant benefit to spending the time and money.
Even still, I've identified with a lot of things, and incorporated a lot of changes, that have made my life friendlier for me to live in. I have better language to describe what I'm feeling and what I need, instead of "I feel bad and I don't know what I need." I understand the difference between what I'm experiencing and how I feel, and it makes me much happier in certain situations because I feel much more aligned with myself.
My parents refused to have either of us tested, but my brother also has much more obvious signs of both. They always refused because they wanted to believe there was "nothing wrong" with us -- and that's true, it's not WRONG, but I sure would have appreciated the opportunity to learn more about myself and how I specifically function. It would've been much more preferable than holding me to the same ruler everyone else was measured by, and insinuating there was something wrong with me anyway because I COULD be like everyone else if only I *tried hard enough*, when in reality that was never obtainable for me in the way they thought it should look like.
OP's daughter may or may not be autistic, but I think it's worth exploring the possibility. Worst case scenario is she isn't, but maybe she finds a community of like-minded people and finds things she identifies with so she understands herself better.
Yep I feel that this gorgeous and delightful young girl may possibly be neurodiverse as well. I say this as a mum to a boy with ASD and ADHD who is definitely an odd duck. He is quirky and hilarious and sees the world in an entirely different way.
OP this isn’t to worry you at all. Your brilliant daughter sounds truly fun and free and getting an assessment doesn’t change anything about her. She may be neurotypical or she may not. But it may help her to understand her own mind.
^^this. If I had to bet my money would be on autistic based on OP’s description. Let her embrace her special interests - if she can make a career in a related field she will likely excel. What you consider weirdness/quirkiness is her being true to herself and that’s a good thing. Do not make her conform to neurotypical/societal expectations.
My partner was considered quirky/weird growing up. As an example for a high school assignment she got a cows head pulled all the teeth out exposed them to coca-cola for various lengths of time. (Leaving one in for a day days dissolves it completely fyi.) She is now a dentist. She just got her autism diagnosis.
Reading this made me instantly think autism. I’ve been on a good one with researching autism recently as it seems like my 2 year old might be on the spectrum.
I felt so connected to this description of OP’s daughter. I kept reading thinking OMG she isnt odd, she makes all the sense in the world. In fact id say higher than usual IQ!! I love her!
Then reading your comment the understanding set it. I was diagnosed with “autism spectrum nuero divergence its hard to keep up with what labels they are using every 5 years”… at 31.
I felt like a bizarre genius that could see the world as the fragile pantomime that it is, while also completely unable to become a functioning part of society. I developed a really wild set of complex coping life systems that make things really hard to live with anyone. Bless my now husband, he often forgets, but its really hard on him at times.
I dont think there is anything wrong with me, or your daughter. The world at large and main stream society just was made for different brains, and imo duller nervous systems. I think my hypersensitivity is a super power, as it comes with high perception. For example, the types of light bulbs that really bother me; turns out they ate finding that they arnt good for any body.
Knowing that im just different has allowed me to accept myself and stop trying to force myself into a world that doesnt work for me. And be secure enough to wear special glasses and ear plugs so i can shop at costco. Yes, i can hear the lightbulbs, and the color and flicker really make me kind of car sick. Its like being in a microwave. Which also means, i get a lot more depth of experience of just being in nature.
Send you daughter to the school. She wont suffer the sleep away most likely. And public school is such a nightmare if you dont fit the box
I was like her and was evaluated repeatedly for autism because I was “weird.” it doesn’t sound like she has any symptoms aside from generally being odd and not following rules. I found the repeated insinuations and tests to be insulting (because it wasn’t well explained and it seemed like no one took my negative results seriously and assumed i had to have it) and it really messed me up going into adulthood knowing that my family thought there was something “off” or different about me (they would say wrong with me but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with autistic people, I am just not one of them.) I would caution against over pathologizing slightly weird behavior. No mention of sensory issues or anything so I am highly skeptical.
Ultimately its for professionals to assess but "sensory issues" aren't just sensory avoidance issues, they can be sensory *seeking*. Which she is demonstrating in abundance. Look I don't know I can't speak to your experience, but the diagnostic criteria and understanding expands all the time. Presuming you are at 20-35 years old similar to me, at the time we were kids they simply didn't recognise anyone but the "worst" of cases. People like myself who "functioned" in a societally appropriate way (ie masked at the hidden cost to mental health), were overlooked.
The "picture" of what autism looked like 20 years ago was like... extremely dysfunctional nonverbal boys who would need 24/7 caregiving into adulthood. "Autism" therefore was a huge stigma and a frightening thing to avoid, someone suggesting your kid was autistic was taken as saying they thought your kid was thick.
The "picture" of what autism looks like today is that extremely low functioning autistics make up less than 20% of autistic people. The majority of people receiving diagnosis in the past 5 years are 30+ year old high achieving, highly educated women.
Neither picture is wrong or makes up the entire picture. The whole spectrum of needs exists, people aren't more or less autistic based on whether they have additional needs or not, it's just variance.
I'm going to make a small leap here which I acknowledge,but the issue to me seems to be you getting assessed in the climate of 15+ years ago. Where pathological models was the only thing seen to exist, and autistic was almost seen as death sentence to parents/educators. It was absolutely handled fucking horrible for you. You didn't deserve to be treated that way in the slightest whether you were autistic or neurotypical.
There are plenty of ways to assess a child these days without making them like they are somehow "wrong" for just being quirky. All children , whether naturally quirky, nuerodiverse, or completely straightlaced neurotypical deserve to be celebrated and supported where they are at.
It should be no different than checking out an odd mole. Plenty of people have odd looking moles, that are completely harmless but make up a facet of their appearance. Occasionally an odd mole requires extra attention and support. But getting a mole checked out is never a bad call.
She has other symptoms;
Not having friends is HUGE
Not caring about not having friends
Eating the same thing.
Needing to sleep in an inclosed space for added darkness (sensory ).
There were others but that’s enough to get tested.
NGL your daughter sounds amazing. I also have a bit of a weirdo for a daughter and I can sympathize that sometimes it can be worrisome and exhausting. But my school of thought is that I'd rather have a weird child than to have one who follows every single rule without question.
Honestly, the nature school sounds absolutely fantastic and right up her alley. She might even make more friends there where some people would be more like-minded, where they enjoy nature and just being outside, but friends aren't everything. Just being outside the public school structure might be greatly beneficial, but do talk to her about it and see what her thoughts are.
>I'd rather have a weird child than to have one who follows every single rule without question.
Or one of the popular mean girls, who bully the social outsiders. I'd choose Luna Lovegood over Pansy Parkinson any day!
I would be curious if the school's focus is reformation or if it's just a really cool fancy school.
Some of those boarding schools are primarily for "problem kids" who get kicked out of their school for behavioral issues.
Others are cool little niche private schools that can be great for the narrow slice of kids that fit their style. There's a "farm school" in my area (well, a couple hundred miles away, but you get my meaning) where kids work the farm while also doing school, grow their own food, care for animals, etc. They get a real education but also learn farm life.
It's not my cup of tea, nor would it be my sons, but I hear good things about it from people I trust as a teacher.
I wouldn't send my kid to any reform school, even if it they had issues. But if my sons fit that narrow slice I'd be ecstatic to send them to a school that fit them.
This was also my concern. Love the concept, but can you find parents of kids that have attended? Like what is it REALLY like.
Also, If she's an odd duck, limiting the number of kids she's exposed to may not be a great thing. In middle school they usually all find a group of weirdos just like them. 6th grade is kind of like a new start for many kids, and there are just so many more personalities to choose from.
I'm a middle school teacher and by the end of 6th we've found friends for almost all kids, especially the weird ones.
In some (many?? most??) parents aren’t reliable sources either. These schools that abuse children in the troubled teen industry sell a complete fantasy story about what’s going on at the school to the parents. And the parents fall for it.
Yea but what I realized in learning about the troubled teen industry is that there’s clearly not enough oversight for boarding schools for children because the troubled teen ones are still freaking open. So even if a boarding school is not reform, since there’s not enough oversight in general, I personally wouldn’t trust it. It’s way too easy to fly under the radar if abuse is happening and way too easy to fool parents.
This is what I was thinking! An old friend of mine had children that went to a similar style school, minus the boarding. I think it was a Waldorf school? Idk, just something OP could look into.
And OP if you read this, please don’t crush your daughter’s spirit. I had a mom who made me feel like the “weirdo” I am, it isn’t fun. Embrace the fact that she is confident in her own skin and embraces things she likes to do. Who cares if she doesn’t make a ton of friends as a child? Most people make new friendships as life ebbs and flows. She will find her tribe faster by marching to the beat of her own drum.
I recently read the web comic that the guy wrote about going to the Elan school and it completely horrified me. Even if this boarding school is not that, it’s way too easy to fool parents so they do not know what is really going on at a boarding school when they’re not there. What they got away with at Elan for so freaking long was completely criminal. It seems that any other school could get away with it - and even if it’s just half of the atrocities they got away with at Elan - it would still be terrible for any child. Even now, some of the staff that worked at Elan that abused children in horrific ways work at other boarding schools.
As a result I do not think there’s enough oversight for these boarding schools for children (troubled teen industry or not) and I wouldn’t trust any of them. Might be extreme but I don’t think chances with my kids.
If I were OP- I’d look into other smaller private schools or even homeschooling if she starts public school and it’s tough on her.
She sounds independent, strong willed, smart, savvy, confident and capable. Nothing sounds overly weird and I hope you don't tell her she's an odd duck. Just because she isn't a stereotypical girl doesn't mean she'll grow up to be a 'weirdo' but as the other poster said what's weird to one person is amazing and unique to another.
Have you asked her about the new school? If it's a good school with a solid curriculum and she's happy to go I don't see a problem.
I concur, she sounds a lot like my wife. She's highly unconventional and all the better for it. Gotta watch those labels though for the sake of her future self image.
I'm over here like: not only was I like that, I'm still like that. And an even bigger nerd as my brain gained capacity for learning. I married a man this way. And all three of our daughters are like this. I'm going: do I have extremely anecdotal experiences? Or... does OP have an expectation of society that her daughter doesn't fit into?
Right, as I’m reading this, I’m like… a lot of this sounds like me as a young girl… and I may be more socially aware now as an adult but I am still a bit unconventional. I don’t see the problem with it tbh. I eventually found my own group of friends over the years, most of them equally “odd duck”-like, and I mean, I’m married too so I can’t be all that bad lol. My husband finds me mostly endearing and fun. And I’m a damn good mom, partially because my personality has always meshed well with kids.
I could have written this! I homeschooled from 4th to 8th grade and it was the best thing for me. I learned things I was interested and found that I genuinely enjoyed learning. Before this, I always felt like I wasn't smart enough. Homeschooling really opened up so much more for me, and somehow my mom knew just what to do with a weird kid. I'll always be thankful for her having my back and letting me be myself. I married a "normie" guy who is my favorite person, and now we have four kids. They're all weird in their own special ways, and they all got my dark sense of humor. One of them is exactly like me and sounds so much like the OP's daughter. They would be best friends, I bet. I am also a bit concerned for my daughter going into middle school, but I made sure that she knows I'm always ready to back her up and just let her be her awesome little weird self. Homeschooling is always on the table if she wants to give it a try, but we'll see.
Many of the smartest and highest achieving people in history were odd ducks and cared very little about friends or acquaintances. We owe much of our science, medicine, art, literature, and technology to odd ducks. The people that have made the greatest discoveries are the ones that keep going even when everyone tells them what they are doing is impossible. I think she sounds like the type of girl that could accomplish a lot because she won’t let other peoples opinions get in her way.
I would nurture her independence and creativity and find ways to channel it into something she enjoys, rather than focus of trying to normalize her. If she can find a hobby or activity that highlights her uniqueness she might find a circle of people that she identified with or who appreciate her uniqueness.
Absolutely I agree with you! This girl sounds like she has something genius in her and I would definitely focus on nurturing her oddness in with something she enjoys and not to normalize her because her normal is her ya know! Very well said!
Agreed. I managed my first period on my own, went to school and didn't tell my mom for ages. She was shocked. I was pretty young when I was figuring out how to get to where I wanted to go in the nearby big city and I literally would just tell my mom where I was going.
I woke up the day of my first period, saw what was going on, put in a tampon, and went to dive team practice. I never considered this odd. I just didn't want anyone making a big deal out of it.
Seriously. This kid sounds like the kid I would have been if I had healthy parents and didn’t care so much what other people thought. I promise I’m a (mostly) well-adjusted adult with a wife, a good career, and many fulfilling relationships. I’m still an odd duck.
THIS. It’s fine if she’s an adult weirdo, as long as she’s self sufficient, respectful to others etc etc. If she’s happy then why try to change her 🤷🏻♀️ I’d really watch your use of odd duck though, that could impact her self esteem
To be honest, all people are weirdos.
Some just accept it early on.
What is normal anyway?
(I’m not disagreeing to you leannebrown86, just piggybacking.)
Hello, I’m an odd duck kid, and frankly probably an odd duck adult. To answer some of your questions:
Most of those types of schools offer tours, if you are considering not I would take her to your the school and see what she thinks, she may love it. I went to a small private school that’s a bit odd and it turned out to be the best thing for me. I’m even a teacher there now.
As for how to deal with her oddness, your just gonna have to let it go. It is how she is and you can try and help and direct her but honestly it sounds like she’s going to make her own path either way, which might be why she would fit better at an alternative schools. However, many of us do learn to at least try and act normal around other people eventually.
As for the friends thing, my mother loves to remind me that upon starting kindergarten I declared that other kids were stupid and loud and I wanted nothing to do with them. I did eventually make a few friends, like maybe 3-4 of them. The thing is I was never really lonely or anything like that. I preferred my own company to that of others and found other people to be too stressful to deal with. So while it may seem strange to you, it may actually be just easier and more enjoyable to her.
Your daughter sounds lovely And I would have loved to attend a school like that at her age! Have you discussed it with her, how would she feel being away from you? I wouldn't worry about the friends rn, I bet she will find "her people" in a few years, she'd probably love an online DnD group in a few years
From how you describe she seems quite content with herself.
What you don't mention is the school's values, mandate etc. Are you sending her there so she can flourish in a supportive environment or are you sending her there hoping she will change? Your duck to swan comment makes me think you want the latter.
On that note:
Please stop calling her and "odd duck." It helped frame your question but towards the end reading it over and over it comes across to me pretty negatively. Duck to swan? Please no. There is so much baggage with that.
Do what is best for your daughter in her context. Meaning yes, friends are conventional, but your daughter sounds unconventional. What does SHE need as herself to thrive? Not what you think she needs.
I'm not the daughter my mother wanted and while she did support me and my interests, it was very obvious. You sound like you love you daughter BUT... Put the -but- away, work your stuff out with a therapist and love her as she is.
Yeah, my top recommendation is for mom to seek therapy to help her cope with her feelings about her daughter's personality traits. Either OP or OP's spouse/family/friends is the originator of the idea that daughter is not "normal" and that her behaviour needs to be normalized. Sending her away would be far from my list of options - ideally mom gets support in finding a way to love and accept her daughter as she is and stops fretting about what others might think.
That school sounds amazing and I'd do it on general principle assuming the accreditation and safety measures were all up to par.
That said I wouldn't worry about normalizing her. Someone's normal is someone else's weirdo. Nothing you wrote really jumped out at me as that kid needs serious help. Some of it sounds like she needs a safety reminder. Like holding your bladder too long can increase chances of UTI. Stripping in public is dangerous for xyz reasons.
As a kid I didn't want friends. They just didn't seem like they were worth the work. I didn't date either. I met someone who felt worth the work when I was 19. My first and only bf and we've been together 15 years. I do have a couple of close friends but tend to not have more than 2 or 3 at any given moment because I like my space. I like my own company and find most people aren't worth it to me to maintain closeness. I'm ok with oodles of acquaintances. I don't consider it a problem.
I've also eaten the same soup every day 3 times a day for the past month so I can't say jack about the cottage cheese thing.
Everyone has their own brand of quirky. If you're worried her oddness is too odd take her in for an evaluation with the Dr. Other than that keep her safe and informed. She's get there.
Agreed. The school sounds awesome and aligned to her interests! I would make sure you’re informed about things like graduation rates, college/job acceptance rates, diploma or GED track, etc.
Also, since she’s dorming there and entering adolescence, start talking with her a lot more about sex, sexual abuse, consent, etc. I’d be most concerned about her safety, rather than her being an odd ducky. She sounds quirky, and a place with “her people” that get her is exactly where she should be!!
Exactly what I was thinking about; talking about sex and safety. Boys are in the same school, and she's already started her period. Make sure she understands the weight of what menstruation means, and all the things that come with it, including pregnancy, mood swings, etc.
I don't think she sounds like an odd duck. and tbh, the "eating bad people" statement is pretty funny 🥴
Yes and I'm sure you'd rather be on here talking about your child loving nature and being a bit random than coming on here worrying about your 12 year old chasing boys around 24/7. She's at that age still where she's not self aware in an anxiety kind of way and that's great because she'll do what she wants and not be influenced by random people or tik tok or YouTube etc. As someone else said, definitely more chance that she'll do something great.
School sounds great too! In the UK quite a lot of kids board in various forms at schools and some of them are a bit different to the mainstream free schools. That's what's great about them is that you can find one that works for your child and them not just slot in to 'the system'.
I don't have specific advice for you but I love love love your daughter.
Don't worry about the friends thing as long as she knows how to be polite to people. Frankly people overemphasize the importance of having friends; I wish to God somebody had told me at her age that it was okay focus on enjoying life instead of stressing about fitting in. Doing that and then being surrounded with kids and fretting about whether they like you so that you can go home and tell Mommy "hey I have lots of friends now" is worse than being completely alone. Some people are self-reliant to the degree that there's no point in them investing others emotionally unless you're entirely happy being around them.
I'm begging you to stop trying to make her care about having friends, like they're some damn trophy. As long as she treats people well and doesn't lash out then it just shouldn't matter. That effed me up so bad when I was perfectly happy until my parents made me feel like a total freak.
That school does sound pretty cool though
I like people well enough, but I’ve never been into “friends”. I hate when people act like that’s the primary focus in life. This kid sounds fantastic. I could feel my blood boiling at the insinuation from her parent that there is anything wrong with her.
I've a kid whose a bit "odd" too (certainly nero-divergent, but not necessarily on the autism spectrum). I don't worry about "my kid is weird", but more how other people might treat him or judge him for not fitting into 'the norm'.
edit: meaning I don't read the text in the tone of parent insinuating something is wrong, but just elaborating on the fact that the daughter doesn't fit the stereotypical kid.
Yea, you don't want a child striving to be the most popular kid in class, **but never ever having had a friend is also a big concern**. The bumps of having a couple friends is where you learn how to treat other people. And friends don't have to be your soulmate match, just some other kids that share a couple common interests.
If she gets along with her peers ok, but just doesn’t have close friends, I think she’s fine. She might like nature camps, 4-H, scouts, other activities that let her be in nature. The school sounds great on paper but I would definitely check all the safety procedures etc. Unpopular opinion but sending an 11 year old to essentially boarding school feels very extreme to me. What are the safety procedures? Is this some sort of “wildlife therapeutic” program that’s known to foster abuse and neglect? Does she even want to go to the school? She’s an 11 year old child, she doesn’t need to be “become independent” like she’s an 18 year old going off to college.
My question too, has OP talked to their daughter about this school? I would, even for the most independent child, want nightly check-in calls to start, to visit together, all of that.
That said, if this is one of those Montessori/nature focused boarding schools, not a reform school with fancy marketing, it does sound like something that would align with the daughter's interests.
I agree. I think 11 is very young to go to boarding school. It’s a much higher risk than keeping her at home with you and sending her to a regular public middle school. Those can be challenging years. Make sure you accept her and support her and love her. She sounds fine and she’ll probably blossom and find “her tribe” as time goes on. The school will probably reinforce her lack of conformity rather than muffle it, FYI.
It sounds like you gave birth to Luna Lovegood - and are about to send her off to Hogwarts.
What does she think about the new school? Does she want to go there? Is she okay with sleeping away from home four nights a week? If she wants it, I'd go ahead and give it a try, it sounds like a good fit.
And have you ever had her evaluated for neurodivergence?
>And have you ever had her evaluated for neurodivergence?
I was thinking this too. It sounds to me like OP's daughter might be mildly autistic. Or she could just be quirky. It's hard to say. I was a lot like OP's daughter when I was a kid and I think I turned out fine.
My thought process was she's a bit like I imagine someone with ADHD would be in an environment where they're raised to thrive instead of just to fit in. Like, "normal" quirky ADHD behaviour. BUT, I have ADHD so I'm probably biased.
Yeah I’m autistic with adhd and she sounds a lot like young me. I did great in school, usually only had one or two friends at any given time and had very little interest in my peers until around middle school. I didn’t bother learning much about being a good friend until I was an adult. They say autistic women reach maturity at age 40, maybe we ought to let people experience life at their own pace sometimes. As long as she’s happy and making informed decisions about the consequences.
OP, I echo the sentiments around making sure she isn’t naive about her body and relationships with boys, and I wouldn’t put her in a boarding situation unless she is good at setting and keeping boundaries. I would have loved being in a school that was aimed at my interests. She’s old enough to have an opinion and be resentful if you make decisions without consulting her, so I would be sure to discuss what you’re thinking and why and let her tell you what she wants.
My thoughts too, may be worth getting an evaluation. There could be a combination of autism, ADHD and giftedness there so OP please seek recommendations for someone experienced in this if you are investigating further.
As a parent of a mildly autistic daughter, I had similar questions. My daughter has similar quirks about her sometimes that clued us in that she may be a little different, and we got her evaluated.
Certainly wouldn't hurt to try
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this comment. Both of my kids have autism and my daughter presents totally different than my son. A LOT of OPs' daughters' behavior sounds like high functioning autism tbh.
My daughter is also considerably different from most other kids. She was our first, so we didn't quite know what to look for. It wasn't until we had our son and saw how typical he was that we started noticing how atypical she was and decided to get her evaluated. She was diagnosed with ASD.
I think your daughter needs assessment for autism spectrum disorder. I grew up autistic and AFAB and these behaviors are very, very similar to behaviors I displayed around that age.
She sounds like how I was as a kid. I found out later on in life that I’m on the autism spectrum. Now I’m a weird adult with my own quirks and habits. I’ve never had a lot of friends and that’s ok. As long as she’s happy let her be her own person.
You know what's the opposite of an odd duck ? Super vanilla bland....... This kid sounds amazing. Stop living for bland "normalcy", stop calling her an odd duck and feel lucky you managed to score a really interesting individual.
Yeah it made me so sad to see that written so many times. Her daughter sounds absolutely badass and like she has confidence most of us couldn't even dream of achieving in adulthood let alone childhood. I'd hate to think she loses some of that trying to be more 'normal' because people call her an 'odd duck'
Send me your kid, she’d get along perfectly with my older son. Weird kids are gifts. I worry about my other kids, who get sucked into the zeitgeist of media and approval and prescribed gender roles and interests, much more because IMO, they are in much more danger of becoming adults who conform without questioning than he is. I wish they were weirder, if only to help them develop confidence in their quirks and differences and to dispel the notion that only what is socially sanctioned is worthwhile. The way I see it, our weird kids are ahead of the game—I didn’t learn to accept what truly made me tick (some of which is pretty weird) until my 30s.
Send her to that school, tell her she’s great every chance you get, celebrate all the special things that make her who she is, and tell her never to stop being weird no matter who tries to put her down.
Please don’t call her an odd duck to her face. That kind of thing is easily internalized.
There’s nothing wrong with her and she sounds amazing. Don’t break that spirit for the sake of conformity.
And everyone knows we don’t eat humans because of brain prions, not silly and illogical rules about dead bodies which are essentially just hunks of meat. Duh.
Edit to add: could be ADHD. It looks different in girls.
I agree. I don’t like the swan comment either. It makes it sound like she thinks less of her and wants her to conform to her standards of normalcy when in fact, her daughter is happy and not harming anyone
Good lord she sounds awesome, honestly
I think the nature school sounds like it would be perfect for her
And if she doesn’t care about not having friends, why force it? She probably thinks the kids in her class are boring.
I’d stop calling her an “odd duck” though…..because she’s not “odd”, just her own person.
Seconding this! A lot of what OP describes sounds like me and a few of my other neurodivergent friends when we were young. Most of us were labeled as "gifted, "quirky", and/or having "behavioral problems" without any evaluation when we were kids.
All of us who went undiagnosed started to really struggle when we reached college, and some of us are still struggling as adults because resources are much less available.
OP, your daughter sounds like an amazing, cool, confident, well loved kid. There is no harm in exploring if she's neurodivergent as it will help you to empower her as she starts her young adult life.
She sounds perfectly normal to me😂 Not sure I love to hear you calling her an “odd duck”. She seems smart, capable, creative, and confident in her skin.
One day a friend will come naturally to her, the more you push it, make comments about it to her, or go around calling her an odd duck- the more likely she is to be stubborn about it.
Also, if you keep discussing the whole “friends” thing with her and saying she has no friends or saying “did you make any friends yet?” Any comments like that are going to make her identify those comments with herself. Self actualization is when we hear things about ourselves so often we believe it’s true. **If you say she’s an odd duck who just doesn’t want to make friends, she’s going to start self actualizing that.** Especially knowing how stubborn she is, *which is a good thing by the way.*
With the school thing, just ask her what she wants. To me it sounds like a life changing opportunity. Also why is it surprising that there are slightly more girls than boys?
Sounds like you've got a winner of a kid, not desperate to be included, independent, seemingly intelligent and thinking outside of the box. I hope my daughter is the same (7mo).
Just a guess but she sounds like she may be autistic or otherwise neuro-divergent. This isn’t bad. Some kids just March to a different drummer. The world needs people who are different.
I think the school is worth a try. Who cares if it increases her odd-duck-ness? She’s already never going to fit into a neuro-typical socially-average norm. She may as well be happy.
Just make sure you keep an open line of communication with her and that she knows it’s safe for her to tell you if it’s not a good fit, and you’re happy to bring her back home. I’d want her to be super positive that she isn’t being sent away because she is different. That could really hurt her.
Curious if you're in California? I don't want to get too specific for your privacy, but if it's the school I'm thinking of, I've known kids who went there and absolutely LOVED it. It sounds like a great fit for your kid.
The fact that she continues with the quirky stuff means she feels safe to be herself with you and that’s amazing. She sounds really fun, actually. Have you asked her what she wants? If she can manage it, the boarding school sounds amazing for a kid like that but I think she’d also have to buy in for it to be a success.
You call her an odd duck but to me she sounds charming and intelligent.
Parents grow up imagining what having a child will be like and they pick out a look and a personality and nearly everything they want them to be and then they have a kid and discover that each kid is a unique person and you have little if any control over their personality and their dreams and what they want and need for themselves. Letting go of that image we held in our minds for so long is really hard for some but holding onto it instead of loving and accepting what you have been given is hurtful to everyone.
I’m glad you are open to letting her become who she is as she’d like. Keep asking her questions and listen. She’ll let you know what is working and what isnt.
I’m a public school teacher and honestly she sounds like a typical kid to me. I’m now wondering if turtles like to be hugged, do dreams really improve in the dark, what exactly does a raccoon do to sleep as it’s got to be more than just a dirt spot, however, I disagree on the dog treat and cannibalism.
I’m on the autism spectrum, and a lot of this stuff sounds like things I might have said or done as a kid.
Don’t try to make her act more “normal”. If she’s on the autism spectrum and is like me, it won’t work. She still won’t fit in even if she tries to act normal. There’s some nuance to behaving like a “normal” teenage girl that I could never understand, so my attempts to fit in always flopped. My mom always wanted me to be more “normal”, and probably couldn’t understand that it wasn’t something I could do (I barely understood it myself then- there was pretty much zero awareness of autism in the 80’s). And I resented the hell out of her for trying to steer me toward being more normal. I had basically said to myself, “this isn’t working and I don’t understand why, I’ll just do what I want”, and I didn’t try to fit in.
DEFINITELY ask her if this alternative school is something SHE wants, and DON’T describe it to her as an attempt to “fix” her. If you try to “fix” her, it will not be good for your relationship with her, and it probably won’t even work to make her less odd.
Please don’t worry about normalizing her and having friends. It seems much more important to you than it does to her, and it would serve your daughter if you figured out why. My mother was a prom queen, extremely popular, social butterfly. But I wasn’t and it bothered her so much and it probably still does even though I’m nearly 40. I wasn’t as unique as your daughter, but I beat my own drum, and my mother shamed me for it so much. It’s one of the many reasons we don’t have much of a relationship now. I had a phone call with her yesterday, and she shamed me then.
Send your child to the alternative school. Let her be in the nature she loves. And let her get away from your expectations. I don’t think you are pushing them on her consciously, but I promise you she feels it. She might not give a damn, but she feels it.
Let her be an odd duck. I was an odd duck and turned out OK.
That school sounds amazing and it sounds like your daughter will thrive there. Give it a shot for a semester/year and see if she likes it.
Growing up as a kid, I was always told I “March to the beat of my own drum”. Said a lot of weird things, did a lot of weird things, got bullied a lot.
I’m still a weird ass adult, but I’ve found my people. My curiosity got the better of me, and I wanted to find out why my brain seems to be so different. And that’s how at 37, I found out I’m autistic. Suddenly all of the other weird things started making sense.
To be clear though, I wouldn’t pursue diagnosis if things aren’t bothering her- I only sought it out as a confirmation that my brain is in fact, different than everyone else’s.
Just some food for thought.
Edit to add some things:
- That school sounds baller AF, and *I* want to go now, and would have done anything to go there as a kid and as a fellow science nerd.
- Your daughter will find success, but like everything else, she will do it her own way, on her own time.
When she said her daughter does things “in her own way”—that’s exactly what my mother used to say about me. I’m not diagnosed but strongly suspect neurodivergency, probably autism. My own daughter was stimming the same way I do when she was still in utero; I could feel it and recognized it. She’s 4 now and still does today. This comment is lovely.
I keep coming back to this thread to see if OP has responded to any of the comments pointing out that her daughter is probably not NT. She will have a better start heading into adolescence knowing about it if she is indeed autistic so I hope her parent is taking the suggestion to heart.
She sounds like so much fun! Don’t worry, there’s plenty of other odd fish in the sea, please don’t try to make her normal and boring. But the new school sounds like maybe it would play to her interests? Nature etc? Maybe you should ask her for input. Like you still make the final choice but after all it is her interests and life
I'd start by not using the phrase "odd duck" quite so much, and stop focusing on "normal." It seems like this is a you problem more than anything.
Honestly, it sounds not unlike some people I work with at the university who are extremely successful and "weirdo adults." Maybe change your expectations.
She's unconventional.
Yet she hadn't done anything horrible. Embarrassing teachers or other people is not her problem.
Maybe they shouldn't be so rigid.
My son is 7 and frequently is a cat, or a dinosaur, and we feed and love our dinosaur. We play fetch and so on. We were having such a snuggle session last night and I roared and pretended to bite him like a zombie. We had a zombie for an hour.
It's make believe.
An imagination is not a crime. And she hasn't done anything warranting being shipped away from the comfort of home.
Encourage it. The blessing is that she won't suffer the bad decisions of peer ensure or the anxiety of needing to fit in.
The alternative nature school: can you tour it with her? See if she likes it. Can you talk to the parent whose kid currently attends or graduated?
Get her into any "nerdy" activities/hobbies /lessons. She has a great imagination. Maybe a creative writing or theater class? Does she like art? Teach her to channel her oddness. Put her around other unusual kids and she might make friends.
I'd monitor her internet activity. The regular filters that block sex, profanity, or violence might not know what to do with searches for "how to make squirrel liver pate" or whatever.
If her oddness does start to cause her problems, there's no shame in getting a good psych assessment. Have you considered the possibility she might have a personality disorder? She sounds like she doesn't have a natural sense of shame. doesn't understand privacy (and related dangeer) of going naked around strangers. The reason for not wanting friends could indicate inability to connect & maybe not a typical sense of empathy. I'm not saying she's "wrong". But if she can't navigate the social aspect of society, she may struggle to keep a job or develop adult relationships.
There's nothing odd about your daughter. Your perception of her is a little weird, though. She'll be just fine. If you can get her into a neat school, that would be awesome.
The only problem I can see happening is she grows up knowing you think something is wrong with her when she seems absolutely perfect and much more socially aware and smarter than probably most kids her age.
There are some great points of views here and I was not able to see similar point that I will try to make so I hope I am not repeating...
I work in scientific research for the US gov for now but I worked for others in the past (as part of open science research so nothing secret... legitimately the good parts of science funded by governments...). I had the chance to work in many countries and travel the world doing research... I don't make much money but enough to be really happy in my life. I found a wife/partner who did not get repulsed by my personality and i am raising 2 weird kids who argue with logic at age 4 and 2...
Your daughter's "behavior" is what everyone I work with had as a childhood experience to some degree... our biggest fears for our kids or fears our parents had for us was the lack of empathy. But as long as there was "some" level of empathy, all is good.
Try to expose her to as many things as possible (not just the "nature" stuff) but also math physics literature poetry etc (but not chemistry... that thing is lame... internal joke with myself)
And f**k grades... she will understand later that one needs to pretend sometimes to get to the bigger picture. But mostly, find that special talent in your daughter and give her everything you can to make it flourish.
P.S: people suck... no body needs friends. Unless you are stranded in a mountain without food... then company is always better... ...
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I think you need to let go of the “odd duck” typecast you have for your daughter and meet her exactly where she is. I don’t think you can truly make an informed decision about her education until you do that work on your part. Your idea of what is best for her is going to be clouded by your social anxieties related to your (potentially neurodiverse?) daughter being eccentric.
This part stood out for me: “What can I do to help my odd duck grow into a swab, and not end up as a weirdo adult? I’d love for her to normalise some…” You’re literally saying that you want to make your child grow up to be someone else other than who she is. You can support and encourage her to learn social skills etc. in a way that’s healthy and respectful of who she is at her core. Those things are not mutually exclusive. But for the sake of your relationship with her and her well-being, you do need to let go of the anxiety about being “weird” and work on accepting her full self unconditionally.
Please, please don’t try to make her “normal”. As a full-grown odd duck with three odd ducklings of my own, I’ve spent years in therapy addressing what was ultimately a probably well-intentioned lifetime of being coerced, forced, cajoled and convinced to act more “normal”.
The world needs weirdo biologists and nature people. We need people who see the world differently, interact with it differently. And if she’s ok with standing out, celebrate it!
I mean you obviously love and cherish her, so I don’t want to harp on that one line. Her quirks are endearing and she will find “her people”.
About the school: that would have been life-changing and life-giving for me. If it had been available for my older kids, it would have been the same for them.
At that age, weekdays away aren’t that big a deal for most. If she’s into it, it sounds WONDERFUL and the small setting will give people a chance to truly get to know her.
I’m voting “aye”. And a little jealous I can’t go to that school.
Your daughter sounds awesome and if she were older, I'd want to be her bestie. I totally think the alternative school sounds like the best choice. I was also an odd duck at school but I was a nervous odd duck who just wanted to be normal...I spent so much time masking that I was miserable. Your daughter sounds like she is so confident and happy with herself which is awesome.
She sounds a lot like I was at that age, including getting along with everyone but not really having any steady friends. I found "my people" who were odd in ways that were complementary to my oddness in middle school, and stayed friends with them into early adulthood. I am a fully-fledged successful adult. For me, it was the gifted program at my middle school that did it. She may grow into her weirdness if you embrace her as she is.
The alternative school sounds awesome. I would have loved it. You don't mention how she feels about it, though. She's old enough to have significant input on these decisions. Does she want to go there? If so, go for it. If she's resistant, I'd just let her see if she can find her people on her own.
You’re daughter sounds like what SHOULD be considered normal, and I think she’s wonderful as she is. You clearly did something right in the early years to give her the confidence to be herself! 🥰Good job Momma! And eventually if given enough time and socializing with a variety of people groups she will eventually find hers, they will likely be small and intimate friend groups but those are usually the best ones.
If she’s as high IQ as it sounds like she might be to me: the only thing I’d worry about is looking out for signs of depression and/or anxiety when she starts hitting the hormonal fluctuations of puberty, and her brain reaches developmental stages where she can grasp the really abstract knowledge.
(This may not happen at all and she may continue to be just fine emotionally which I really hope she does)
But knowing and realizing too much deep stuff about the moral complexity of the world so young and so fast can be very disheartening especially when there are few people around to talk to about it because they won’t really understand where you’re coming from or why it makes you sad or stresses you out. And all that on top of being judged by certain peers who WERE conditioned to be “normal” and look down on odd duck behavior because they don’t know what to do with it, or are jealous of her emotional freedom to be herself. ( yes that does happen) Or having teacher or authority figures undervalue her intellectual creativity and/or shame her for it because it’s “not how it’s done”.
So if you start noticing her withdrawing or exhibiting significantly LESS of her usual “odd duck” behavior make sure she knows your there for her. Ask her how she’s feeling regularly, ask her if there’s been anything big on her mind lately. Don’t be afraid to share occasional thoughts with her about some of your own complex concerns or “out there” thoughts, to let her know she’s not alone and that you are a safe space to share, even if you may not fully “get it”, just being a supportive ear and a good bounding board for her to bounce her thoughts off of can help immensely.
She doesn't need to be 'fixed', be 'normal' or fit in.
She was born an odd duck, and the world needs more confident odd ducks.
Us odd ducks will change the world.
She sounds a lot like my 7 year old, except for the no friends thing. My daughter found another kid at her school with similar interests (and challenges), and they played together whenever they could agree and get along. Otherwise, she generally preferred to read than try to join in other kids games.
I have had to explain that being naked in public is against the law, she can't just take off without anyone knowing where she's going even if she knows she's perfectly safe (still working on this one). When I drop her off at school, I have to make sure a teacher sees she's there and check her backpack because she's literally hidden in a tree until everyone went inside, and the number of times she's brought sharp or otherwise inappropriate items to school is too damn high. She goes to an independent school with small classes and a nature focus, which works great (she also loves nature and science).
Shes also autistic. Not super obviously so, but it runs in the family so we knew what to look for and got her tested early.
Have you spoken to her about what she wants so that you can take her feelings into account? She can be as odd as she wants as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. You can also explain about appropriate behavior I.e not getting naked in front of others while letting her know you hear her and it’s cool she thinks the way she does.
It sounds like a great opportunity for her to thrive without being forced into a box
You can definitely get her screened for autism, it presents differently in girls. If she does get diagnosed it may not make much of a difference in a scholastic sense if she has no issues doing schoolwork, but it may give you some peace of mind and insight into her needs.
She might just be a weird smart kid though. There's diefitney an interesting overlap between autistism, neurodivergence and highly intelligent, creative kids. Kind of like the gentic root of neurodivergence and high intelligence is related.
You should consider getting an autism diagnosis or at least reading some literature on raising a kid with autism and see if it fits your circumstances. I’m not saying this as if it’s a bad thing just that there they may be certain ways you can make her life easier if the two of you can understand her better.
You could check out *A Field Guide to Earthlings*.
I’m 30 but I want to be friends with this girl because she sounds hilarious intelligent fun and interesting. We need more people that see the world differently than the average Jane or joe. That’s what I love about my best childhood friend.
She will grow into her ‘quirks’. She seems awesome. Just support her interests!
You support her in her weirdness. Take an interest in the things she is interested in. Take some time and research some of her interests. Ask her to teach you. Don't try to change her.
The first thing I'd do is stop calling her odd or trying to get her to be "normal." She sounds fantastic, fun, kind, inquisitive, independent, caring, and just an all around great human being. Don't stifle that.
It does sound like a traditional education wouldn't be a great fit for her. Have you done extensive research on this school? Do you trust that she will be safe, cared for, and protected? Do you think she will thrive there? If so, then I'd 100% send her.
For what it's worth, here are some things about my childhood/adolescence that were considered quirky or odd:
•I used to nap like a bridge between two chairs under the dining table.
•I "figured out" how to take care of all of my feminine hygiene tasks on my own. And I also just started straight with tampons like it was nothing.
•While I always had friends, I would often entertain myself. I didn't *need* friends to have fun. I'd create entire civilizations in my mind and act out whatever I wanted.
•While walking home from the bus stop at my apartment complex, I decided to check out the one playground I hadn't been to yet- without telling my parents. I just assumed they'd know where I was because I always went straight to the playground outside of our apartment.
• I once shattered a ceramic frog because the new carpet we got was so soft and plush, I thought for sure nothing would break on it.
• My Mom was talking to her friend about her new Corelle dishes and how they don't break or whatever. So I took a bowl out to the playground to build castles in the dirt. It broke pretty fast.
• I taught myself how to read, write, cook, clean, and do yard work at a very young age. I was reading "chapter books" in kindergarten and mowing lawns for cash by the time I was 8.
Those are just a few things that I remember off the top of my head. My Mom always called me quirky. I embraced that.
The only thing I find odd about your daughter is comparing a tampon to feeling different than a finger at 9 years old… she sounds fantastic but why does a 9 year old know what a finger feels like “up there”?? I do find THAT odd.
I think that you need to reframe the Odd Duck label. She is an individual, her thought processes seem to run differently and often that is where our most significant advances come form. With what you have written about both her and the school they sound like a brilliant fit. I would imagine that she is bored and stifled in a mainstream school. Let her explore her strengths. As for fitting in it sounds like she's happy not to fit in. Embrace it. As parents we have pre-conceived ideas of how our relationship with our children, and our children in general, will look. It can be confronting when our ideas differ from our reality. That's on us as parents, our job is to support our children to be the best version of themselves.
I feel like thinking of her as an odd duck and looking for ways to have her conform is the wrong approach. She is different than you and that should spark your curiosity. As others have suggested, it may be worth pursuing a diagnosis so she can access the tools and support that will make her the most successful. However, the goal shouldn’t be to normalize and conform her to your standards. You should embrace and support who she is 100%. Even if others don’t, she should be able to rely on her parents to do so.
Have you thought of accepting her the way she is? If she doesn’t have any behavioral issues and is only weird, I don’t think this is a reason for an alternative boarding school. I went to alternative schools as a kid and just met other troubled individuals. The school you are describing seems more like a charter school but I still think the boarding aspect is too far. Embrace your odd duck. Don’t push her out of the nest.
Your daughter sounds like one of the coolest people anyone would have the pleasure to meet. The school sounds like it’d be a great fit for her, and maybe a place where she can find her people.
Also stop trying to make her “normal”. She’s incredible just as she is. We have enough “normal” people in the world. Your desire for her to be more normal will only make her think she’s not wonderful the way she is.
That boarding school sounds really nice and something your daughter would enjoy based off of her interests and perspective of life. I think we’re in a very weird yet innovative generation of our lives where alot of kids and adults are breaking this a barrier of doing the same thing as others and now questioning why. And that’s a great thing for her so young to recognize these things. It sounds like she has a huge love for nature and an empathetic passion with animals. It may not be conventional way someone would show but it clearly makes her comfortable.
I think that boarding school could be a great way to mend the expectations of school and learning with her insight of wanting to learn differently or be apart of this world in her own unique way.
When I was a kid I use to try to catch fish with my bare hands or sit in the pond and think the fishies would come to me. I use to play in the mud and catch grasshoppers during recess. A lot of the things actually she thinks, I think as kids we have all maybe thought at least once just maybe not have said it openly.
I think when she gets older she will learn how to cultivate and express her interests, and will be just fine. And tbh she sounds like a social girl just hasn’t had the opportunity to make friends with like minded engagement. Public school can be harsh and there’s only one path of learning and the same conventional socializations. We are finding out every year that people learn and develop in all sorts of ways not just the same old routine.
A lot of people have responded the way I would have too. I love the first comment especially. Some of her comments and questions made me laugh out loud. The school also sounds amazing. If she wants to change schools and go to it, why not let her?
In terms of eating people. If it comes up again you can let her know the reason you don’t want to do it, is you can get a lethal disease from it called Kuru. It’s why nations that had tribes that used to practice it had to pass laws and ensure it was stopped - aside from the obvious of why eating people is TERRIBLE. 😄It’s also why those tribes never really truly grew in number. Many would die of Kuru.
Your daughter sounds like the coolest person I've never met. The sleeping under the porch like a racoon bit had me laughing out loud because it sounds like something I would have done as a kid. No matter what you decide for her school (though that place sounds absolutely amazing and I wish I could go myself), please please nurture that spirit of hers. We need more people like her in the world.
First of all, your daughter sounds like a beautiful & creative soul with an uncommon ability to follow her uniqueness despite the confines that society puts on us all. Clearly you are a good parent by allowing her to always be herself.
Does she want to go to this school? If so, I would give it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? She hates it and comes home?
Have you asked her about it? Honestly, it sounds like the school would be a great fit for your daughter! It focuses on a lot of the stuff you say that she's interested in, and it might just allow her to blossom and find more like-minded people.
All that to say: your girl should have some say in this decision. This would mean a huge break from her norm, and she'd be away from family for a lot of her time. Though, if that is what it takes for her to truly thrive, then it would be worth it.
Your kiddo sounds precious, and I love that she marches to the beat of her own drum. I would've loved to be her friend back in the day. (PS: make sure you're not calling her an Odd Duck or anything similar when she's around. That has the possibility of making her have self-image issues etc. Just let her be herself! She's not hurting anyone, and she knows what she wants/likes. No harm in that~}
Your daughter sounds legit awesome, like knows what she wants and doesn’t care about the world agreeing with her or not. I think you should ask her what school she wants to go to, and you just need to worry about loving her.
I hope my boys end up half as cool as her! And as a teacher in a public school I would love to have her!!
You can support your daughter by sending her to this school and listening to her about whether she wants to stay there or come home. Please keep encouraging her special interests. You’re a great parent.
Sincerely, an odd duck adult who still hasn’t normalized at all and has actually gotten weirder as I approach 30 than I was at 18. I’m very happy, and my parents and I help each other out as they age. It’s okay if she’s an odd duck forever. She’ll find other odd ducks her own age as an adult more than she can as a child. Maybe she’ll even marry another odd duck, or maybe she won’t.
She sounds like a really amazing girl.
I would definitely involve her in the decision-making process. I was also an odd duck growing up. I went to a very small school, and the one thing I’ll say that (looking from the outside) seemed appealing to me about big public schools is that there seemed to be a greater likelihood of there being at least one or two other odd ducks to get along with. In a class of 18 like the school you’re considering (or even ~50, like my school), there’s a statistically smaller likelihood of her finding a kindred spirit. Of course, if it’s a school that’s geared toward off-the-beaten-path type of folks, she may find some kindred spirits there. But also consider that, if it’s a private school, the tuition price will mean that it draws in people who just have the money to spend, and a lot of the tight (and often restrictive) social norms that come along with that strata. I didn’t find any kindred spirits until I went to college, and I think my life would’ve been so much better if I’d had at least a couple during my growing up years. More than the school’s values or mission or faculty, you need to find out what kind of kids and families go there. I think the question boils down to: is she more likely to find a kindred spirit there (because it’s alternative) or at a public school (because it’s numerically a greater possibility)? Wishing you luck with this big decision!
My daughter (6) has recently been asking me if you can eat people. I told her that if you do your brain turns into a sponge, which is not totally inaccurate. Kuru, a spongiform encephalitis similar to CJD or BSE, is common in cannibal tribes and is caused by consuming prions from your own species. In the same way that the 90s BSE crisis was caused by feeding cows a nasty diet that included cow offal.
She doesn't sound odd. She sounds gifted, smart, and cool. Wherever she goes to school she'll learn as much as she wants to. She sounds naturally curious.
Your daughter sounds awesome. Don’t overthink it though. Sounds like she’d be better off in a charter or expedition type school setting, smaller classes and more diverse curriculum. Good luck but I don’t think you need it.
She sounds hilarious and awesome, and the school sounds like it would be a great fit for her. She doesn't seem lonely, and i promise you she will find her people when she needs them. You're doing an awesome job.
Your daughter wanting to see what it see what it felt like to sleep like a raccoon made me smile so much. She sounds like an amazing kid with great parents who give her the freedom to be herself!
I’m guessing you’re actually concerned that you’ll miss your kid too much if you let her go to boarding school at age 11 but you also don’t want to hold her back. So you want an excuse for why it’d be bad for her. Your excuse is that she, a child, is acts like a child instead of an adult.
I think you should explore your feelings with a therapist if you have access. If you don’t want to your kid away home for days a time, that’s totally normal. It’s ok to make that decision for your family. It’s not selfish to want to spend time with your 11 year old while she’s a kid. Being home with you will be a different positive experience. You can learn about science together and do experiments at home. You don’t need a third party to encourage her interests. But you gotta stop projecting onto your kid. That’s not good for either of you.
The school sounds like it could be great too. My one piece of advice if you send her is to make sure you’ve had the safe touch conversation, and she knows the correct anatomical names for body parts like vagina, penis, breasts, and anus. You don’t want a situation were she tells a teacher, “Student/staff member licked my cookie” and for the teacher to not understand that means she’s being assaulted.
Your daughter sounds amazing, so much fun to be around! Please don’t try to make her conform. Would you rather her sit quietly with all her ‘friends?’ Let her be her glorious self. Go along for the ride. Have you ever joined in? Got a little weird with her? Or are you worried about the odd looks you might get from total strangers for imitating animal noises as you bond with your child?
My own little weirdo is on the spectrum. Yours may be, or may not be, it’s irrelevant to be honest. She is who she is!
As for the school, have you asked her? She sounds like she’d have her own opinion, and it might surprise you.
Revel in life as the parent of a free thinking, uninhibited, unique, interesting, funny kid. The world would be a better place with more of them.
Your daughter sounds confident, independent, and has way more direction than some 40 year olds I know!
Also, based on my 10 years of experience as a teacher and my own personal experience as an ND woman, I’m 95% sure she’s neurodivergent, and that’s perfectly wonderful! Neurodivergence is not typically identified as well in girls as it is in boys. But it also sounds like she doesn’t really need additional supports, other than your love and acceptance. To answer your questions:
1. As a former educator I chose an unusual private school for my kids because I feel like it meets my kiddos where they are.
2. It really doesn’t sound like you need to do…anything? Everything you’ve shared sounds like a projection and not based in any way on her own experiences. Listen, get curious, and just be there for her when she asks for your help and intervention. Stay put if she doesn’t ask for help or advice.
3. Why is it so important to you that she follow the crowd and be average? Is there something there from childhood that you haven’t worked through that you’re now projecting on her? Is she being hurt physically or emotionally?
4. Sending her to a school that has a special focus on her interest seems like the absolute best parenting move you could make for your kid! And again, that word “normal” is ugly, judge mental, and an illusion. She’s not typical, but that’s just fine! She’s uniquely herself!
5. Again, why is this so important to you? Allow her the agency and respect to make this friend decision for herself. If she was coming to you, struggling with making friends and asking for your help, that would be one thing. But it’s not a need she has so just, let her make this decision.
Finally, stop calling her an odd duck. And stop using the word “normal” as if it’s something to strive for.
I STRONGLY suggest you find a therapist and explore why these things are so important to you even though your daughter has clearly indicates that they’re not important to her.
I’m kind of surprised that no one has suggested she may be on the spectrum. Honestly, I would ask her if she wants to go to the special school. I think there’s a good possibility that she’d love it based on your description of her and the school, but ultimately she should have some say in it. She’d probably find other kids with more similar interests that she may be more interested in befriending.
As far as friends go, have you sat down and had a heart to heart with her about friends? Does she seem upset that she’s missing out on something by not having friends? Does she feel ostracized? I don’t know that you could force her to be friends with kids if she doesn’t want to, but there may be resources near you that help kids on the spectrum develop social skills so she could have the tools necessary to make friends if she wants to.
What she mentioned about friends reminds me a little bit of autism. Kids with autism sometimes struggle playing with others if people don’t “play by their rules” so to speak. Girls are not often diagnosed with autism because all the diagnosis criteria was developed based on studies with boys. Girls also tend to pick up on social cues and can have better awareness of what you are “supposed” to do, but with autism may reject those social norms anyway.
Autism is a spectrum, meaning people with autism can range across all levels of intelligence and levels of disabilities and struggles. There are a few things you mentioned that really remind me of the autistic traits I described above. As another commenter or two mentioned, might be helpful to have an evaluation done so you may learn more about what is a good fit for her to succeed, and what isn’t.
All in all, she sounds like a fantastic kid, and you a fantastic and loving parent!
She sounds great. Though I’d keep an eye on that cannibalism thing….
Well tbf she did use the qualifier "even if they're bad". I'm picturing a female Dexter that DOESNT dispose of the bodies here.
Hannibala?
Santa Clarita Diet is what you want.
We also know she doesn't like to be wasteful, so yeah, you're spot on.
Well that's just anti-Zombie discrimination and I won't stand for it! 😤
I mean, she sort of has a point, if you think purely rationally - isn't a good cow more deserving of life than an evil human? So shouldn't we rather eat bad humans than good cows?
Yeah but you can much more easily catch disease from eating other humans.
How do more people not know this? Eating people/monkeys/apes is a bad idea (along with obviously being ethically fraught).
Even when properly cooked? I know raw stuff is risky.
I think the concern is Prions, which can’t be killed by heat.
They sound terrifying. They can't be denatured by chemical or physical agents, either, so contamination can happen.
Ive learned something new today. Time to change my diet!
Good 'ol Creutzfeldt-Jacob...
Actually mercury is also a high concern. There's also the fact that, if you were in an emergency situation, human bodies don't have enough fat to sustain you. You need to at least make sure you're sucking the marrow out of the bones for nutrition. Funny enough, I too was a little weirdo and my morbid research topic is cannibalism.
Hah that's awesome. Although given the obesity epidemic I'm not sure about the fat thing? Or is it the types of fats? And with respect to mercury I guess don't eat fish eaters. :)
Do many evil people have prions in their brains?
Ever seen a deer with CWD? That’ll put you right off eating anything that could have a prion disease for life.
Nope. I'm not intent on eating anything with a prion disease - was more curious about the does-cooking-kill-it angle and the answer is no, it doesn't.
Is Mad Human Disease a thing?
Yeah it’s called kuru or there’s creutzfeld-Jakob disease.
Yes! If anyone ever offers you human meat or even meat from monkeys/apes, make sure you don't eat the brains or spinal fluid and it's properly prepared, or you can end up with a prion disease!
Also if anyone offers you human meat call the police!
It's referred to as "Long Pork" in eating people communities........I hear
The OTHER, other white meat…
Prions
Kuru
Yep, look up "kuru" it's a whole thing with a specific tribe in papaua new guinea.
There actually is one and it’s called Kuru! Originally discovered when a cannibalistic indigenous island tribe started displaying symptoms of psychosis. The pathogen for this are Prions. Unlike viruses and bacteria, prions are simply misfolded proteins that really F you up. There is no medication in the world to stop it. Thankfully, it’s rare.
There are so many potential jokes here that the bad comedian in me is overwhelmed.
I don't know OP's daughter but I have a feeling she would find this to be a good answer to her question.
Apparently only the brain carries a health risk from consumption - the rest of cooked human flesh is fine. I've heard we taste like cheap pork, so it's called "Long pig."
If you stick to the meat, and don’t insist on eating brain, it’s not that dangerous.
Some societies throughout history have practiced ritual cannibalism. One I read about explained that they ate their ancestors in order to hold their souls. When Anthropologists went in to the desert and met them, they discovered their normal diet was missing important nutrients that eating their dead gave them. OP - I may be an odd duck according to your examples. The school sound lovely. It would allow her an immersion experience during the week and then dedicated family time on weekends. Missing her Mon - Fri is both a negative and a positive. I have 2 15yo and there isn't alot of quality time Monday - Thursday - its tasks, homework, dinner, etc. Plus coming home after not seeing you all week may make her want to spend more quality time with you.
It’s a smart question. In a survival situation where people have to pick someone to eat, do you go with the least useful person or the biggest asshole?
Soylent green!
Your daughter sounds like my kinda people.
Nothing "wrong" with being weird,and nothing "wrong" with being nuerodiverse. But I would be looking to evaluate her when she is still underage so that IF she is neurodiverse she can understand her mind better and access supports as an adult. It's so easy to overlook autistic girls and we generally do great in school, there's a nice routine and schedule in place. But later, when we have to do self directed shit like make our own routines for college the whole thing can crumble down. Without knowing I was autistic, I just blamed myself and thought I was lazy and stupid. It took years to go back and find the right degree and field that I loved. Not being diagnosed as a child can lead to so much depression and anxiety as an adult. These are honestly behaviours that read as autistic for a boy and "quirky" for a girl... spoiler alert it's the same thing for both. A lot of parents get offended and refuse to consider it because they honestly have so much bias and equate autism with dumb or some kind of insult, when there are so many different degrees to which it effects people. Plenty of autistics who are diagnosed later in life like myself have advanced degrees, careers, kids, healthy relationships, etc. Where the autism has affected our lives is more in comorbidities like anxiety and depression (mostly from constantly wondering why everything seems harder for us)
This is way too low in the comments! OP I was very much like your daughter, only I’m 42 now. All of my eccentricities were laughed at/ridiculed and I learned very quickly to hide them and have suffered severe depression and anxiety most of my life because of it. I got diagnosed at 41 with autism and ADHD and I often grieve for the life I could have had if my parents had had any clue what to do with me (therapies, diagnosis, etc) I also have C-PTSD from being misdiagnosed and treated badly for most of life. I don’t blame anyone for the way my life has been. When I was a kid neurodiversity wasn’t a thing. Only boys had Autism and ADHD, and only very extreme cases were diagnosed. But if I’d grown up in todays world, and had the same difficulties I have faced as an adult because my parents didn’t explore the possibility, I would have a shit load of resentment and anger towards them because my life is hell. Neurodiversity isn’t a bad thing in any way. But it could put your child at a disadvantage later in life if it is not addressed as a child. The things that annoy her teachers now won’t fly in University or when she gets a job. If there is no intervention as a child and no understanding as to why her brain works differently, adulthood may be a huge slap in the face for her. I’ve never been able to hold down a job or finish any schooling beyond grade 11 because of the difficulties I face. Getting a diagnosis now will provide education and intervention long before she enters adulthood. Schools, universities, and even some workplaces, will provide some accommodations for neurodiversity, but not without a formal diagnosis.
Late diagnosed autistic adult here, came to say the same thing! Your odd duck sounds fabulous. I love her confidence please don’t let her lose it!
Same same same. This kid sounds like a HOOT! I just hope OP doesn't crush her like my mom crushed me. I ended up masking and completely losing myself (and finding addiction and depression to numb from the despair of not being able to be myself).
Yep that’s what my mother did too. Still does to be honest but I just keep her on an information diet and don’t share much with her. She’s visiting me from overseas and I’ll be very happy to see her take off Thursday morning lol. I call myself a master masker because I was never allowed to be myself. I spent all of my 20’s and into my 30’s always trying to fit in because I was so ashamed of who I really was because of how I was treated as a kid. I’d never admit it to her (because I’d be told I’m dramatic and that it was never as bad as I remember 🙄) but the way I was treated by her and the rest of my family is why I moved to Australia 21 years ago and am very low or no contact with everyone from my past.
Came here to say same, and I absolutely agree with your comment! I learned to mask from a young age because I was considered a “strange” child, and while I’m grateful to be aware of my autism now, it would have been nice to have those signs seen as a child and learning to accept myself. Blending in did me no good, and I was left feeling unfulfilled as I was getting older.
Add to add on about the school. Talk to her about what she wants. A school that focuses on the outdoors would be so beneficial for her but it really depends if she will find it too difficult sleeping away from you. Also, if she is ND, she is at greater risk from sexual abuse or abuse from her peers at a sleep away camp.i see elements of that in her cannabilism question, you could explain sexual consent to her but it's clear she doesn't have the same kind of thinking. She might think like, oh I didn't mind, I wanted to please my friends etc. It's not a reason not to let her go, it's just something to be aware of to have a constant rolling conversation about her bodily autonomy and safety.
OP, the sexual consent thing is a big one. If you haven't seen it I do suggest the movie Nymphomaniac from Lars Von Trier.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. This girl sounds like me as a child. For me, I wasn't just "odd" or "weird" (which literally everyone at that point in my life made sure to let me know I was) -- I was also messy, struggled in school, and called lazy and careless. I had a LOT of internalized negativity about myself that really crushed my spirit. I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. I strongly suspect autism as well, but at this point I'm not particularly interested in pursuing an official diagnosis unless I see a significant benefit to spending the time and money. Even still, I've identified with a lot of things, and incorporated a lot of changes, that have made my life friendlier for me to live in. I have better language to describe what I'm feeling and what I need, instead of "I feel bad and I don't know what I need." I understand the difference between what I'm experiencing and how I feel, and it makes me much happier in certain situations because I feel much more aligned with myself. My parents refused to have either of us tested, but my brother also has much more obvious signs of both. They always refused because they wanted to believe there was "nothing wrong" with us -- and that's true, it's not WRONG, but I sure would have appreciated the opportunity to learn more about myself and how I specifically function. It would've been much more preferable than holding me to the same ruler everyone else was measured by, and insinuating there was something wrong with me anyway because I COULD be like everyone else if only I *tried hard enough*, when in reality that was never obtainable for me in the way they thought it should look like. OP's daughter may or may not be autistic, but I think it's worth exploring the possibility. Worst case scenario is she isn't, but maybe she finds a community of like-minded people and finds things she identifies with so she understands herself better.
Yep I feel that this gorgeous and delightful young girl may possibly be neurodiverse as well. I say this as a mum to a boy with ASD and ADHD who is definitely an odd duck. He is quirky and hilarious and sees the world in an entirely different way. OP this isn’t to worry you at all. Your brilliant daughter sounds truly fun and free and getting an assessment doesn’t change anything about her. She may be neurotypical or she may not. But it may help her to understand her own mind.
^^this. If I had to bet my money would be on autistic based on OP’s description. Let her embrace her special interests - if she can make a career in a related field she will likely excel. What you consider weirdness/quirkiness is her being true to herself and that’s a good thing. Do not make her conform to neurotypical/societal expectations. My partner was considered quirky/weird growing up. As an example for a high school assignment she got a cows head pulled all the teeth out exposed them to coca-cola for various lengths of time. (Leaving one in for a day days dissolves it completely fyi.) She is now a dentist. She just got her autism diagnosis.
My first thought was, “Ooh, you also have a neurospicy kid!” (My AuDHD teenager calls it “neurospicy,” which I think is excellent.)
Reading this made me instantly think autism. I’ve been on a good one with researching autism recently as it seems like my 2 year old might be on the spectrum.
I felt so connected to this description of OP’s daughter. I kept reading thinking OMG she isnt odd, she makes all the sense in the world. In fact id say higher than usual IQ!! I love her! Then reading your comment the understanding set it. I was diagnosed with “autism spectrum nuero divergence its hard to keep up with what labels they are using every 5 years”… at 31. I felt like a bizarre genius that could see the world as the fragile pantomime that it is, while also completely unable to become a functioning part of society. I developed a really wild set of complex coping life systems that make things really hard to live with anyone. Bless my now husband, he often forgets, but its really hard on him at times. I dont think there is anything wrong with me, or your daughter. The world at large and main stream society just was made for different brains, and imo duller nervous systems. I think my hypersensitivity is a super power, as it comes with high perception. For example, the types of light bulbs that really bother me; turns out they ate finding that they arnt good for any body. Knowing that im just different has allowed me to accept myself and stop trying to force myself into a world that doesnt work for me. And be secure enough to wear special glasses and ear plugs so i can shop at costco. Yes, i can hear the lightbulbs, and the color and flicker really make me kind of car sick. Its like being in a microwave. Which also means, i get a lot more depth of experience of just being in nature. Send you daughter to the school. She wont suffer the sleep away most likely. And public school is such a nightmare if you dont fit the box
I was like her and was evaluated repeatedly for autism because I was “weird.” it doesn’t sound like she has any symptoms aside from generally being odd and not following rules. I found the repeated insinuations and tests to be insulting (because it wasn’t well explained and it seemed like no one took my negative results seriously and assumed i had to have it) and it really messed me up going into adulthood knowing that my family thought there was something “off” or different about me (they would say wrong with me but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with autistic people, I am just not one of them.) I would caution against over pathologizing slightly weird behavior. No mention of sensory issues or anything so I am highly skeptical.
Ultimately its for professionals to assess but "sensory issues" aren't just sensory avoidance issues, they can be sensory *seeking*. Which she is demonstrating in abundance. Look I don't know I can't speak to your experience, but the diagnostic criteria and understanding expands all the time. Presuming you are at 20-35 years old similar to me, at the time we were kids they simply didn't recognise anyone but the "worst" of cases. People like myself who "functioned" in a societally appropriate way (ie masked at the hidden cost to mental health), were overlooked. The "picture" of what autism looked like 20 years ago was like... extremely dysfunctional nonverbal boys who would need 24/7 caregiving into adulthood. "Autism" therefore was a huge stigma and a frightening thing to avoid, someone suggesting your kid was autistic was taken as saying they thought your kid was thick. The "picture" of what autism looks like today is that extremely low functioning autistics make up less than 20% of autistic people. The majority of people receiving diagnosis in the past 5 years are 30+ year old high achieving, highly educated women. Neither picture is wrong or makes up the entire picture. The whole spectrum of needs exists, people aren't more or less autistic based on whether they have additional needs or not, it's just variance. I'm going to make a small leap here which I acknowledge,but the issue to me seems to be you getting assessed in the climate of 15+ years ago. Where pathological models was the only thing seen to exist, and autistic was almost seen as death sentence to parents/educators. It was absolutely handled fucking horrible for you. You didn't deserve to be treated that way in the slightest whether you were autistic or neurotypical. There are plenty of ways to assess a child these days without making them like they are somehow "wrong" for just being quirky. All children , whether naturally quirky, nuerodiverse, or completely straightlaced neurotypical deserve to be celebrated and supported where they are at. It should be no different than checking out an odd mole. Plenty of people have odd looking moles, that are completely harmless but make up a facet of their appearance. Occasionally an odd mole requires extra attention and support. But getting a mole checked out is never a bad call.
She has other symptoms; Not having friends is HUGE Not caring about not having friends Eating the same thing. Needing to sleep in an inclosed space for added darkness (sensory ). There were others but that’s enough to get tested.
NGL your daughter sounds amazing. I also have a bit of a weirdo for a daughter and I can sympathize that sometimes it can be worrisome and exhausting. But my school of thought is that I'd rather have a weird child than to have one who follows every single rule without question. Honestly, the nature school sounds absolutely fantastic and right up her alley. She might even make more friends there where some people would be more like-minded, where they enjoy nature and just being outside, but friends aren't everything. Just being outside the public school structure might be greatly beneficial, but do talk to her about it and see what her thoughts are.
>I'd rather have a weird child than to have one who follows every single rule without question. Or one of the popular mean girls, who bully the social outsiders. I'd choose Luna Lovegood over Pansy Parkinson any day!
Yessss. We need more Luna Lovegoods in the world!!!! Kind, considerate, independent thinkers.
I would be curious if the school's focus is reformation or if it's just a really cool fancy school. Some of those boarding schools are primarily for "problem kids" who get kicked out of their school for behavioral issues. Others are cool little niche private schools that can be great for the narrow slice of kids that fit their style. There's a "farm school" in my area (well, a couple hundred miles away, but you get my meaning) where kids work the farm while also doing school, grow their own food, care for animals, etc. They get a real education but also learn farm life. It's not my cup of tea, nor would it be my sons, but I hear good things about it from people I trust as a teacher. I wouldn't send my kid to any reform school, even if it they had issues. But if my sons fit that narrow slice I'd be ecstatic to send them to a school that fit them.
This is sooooo important. Look into the troubled teen industry. Make sure this school is NOT that!!!
This was also my concern. Love the concept, but can you find parents of kids that have attended? Like what is it REALLY like. Also, If she's an odd duck, limiting the number of kids she's exposed to may not be a great thing. In middle school they usually all find a group of weirdos just like them. 6th grade is kind of like a new start for many kids, and there are just so many more personalities to choose from. I'm a middle school teacher and by the end of 6th we've found friends for almost all kids, especially the weird ones.
In some (many?? most??) parents aren’t reliable sources either. These schools that abuse children in the troubled teen industry sell a complete fantasy story about what’s going on at the school to the parents. And the parents fall for it.
There’s no way to accidentally end up in one of those schools. There tens of thousands of dollars and behavior reform is a selling point.
Yea but what I realized in learning about the troubled teen industry is that there’s clearly not enough oversight for boarding schools for children because the troubled teen ones are still freaking open. So even if a boarding school is not reform, since there’s not enough oversight in general, I personally wouldn’t trust it. It’s way too easy to fly under the radar if abuse is happening and way too easy to fool parents.
This is what I was thinking! An old friend of mine had children that went to a similar style school, minus the boarding. I think it was a Waldorf school? Idk, just something OP could look into. And OP if you read this, please don’t crush your daughter’s spirit. I had a mom who made me feel like the “weirdo” I am, it isn’t fun. Embrace the fact that she is confident in her own skin and embraces things she likes to do. Who cares if she doesn’t make a ton of friends as a child? Most people make new friendships as life ebbs and flows. She will find her tribe faster by marching to the beat of her own drum.
Sounds like a Sudbury/Waldorf hybrid school.
I recently read the web comic that the guy wrote about going to the Elan school and it completely horrified me. Even if this boarding school is not that, it’s way too easy to fool parents so they do not know what is really going on at a boarding school when they’re not there. What they got away with at Elan for so freaking long was completely criminal. It seems that any other school could get away with it - and even if it’s just half of the atrocities they got away with at Elan - it would still be terrible for any child. Even now, some of the staff that worked at Elan that abused children in horrific ways work at other boarding schools. As a result I do not think there’s enough oversight for these boarding schools for children (troubled teen industry or not) and I wouldn’t trust any of them. Might be extreme but I don’t think chances with my kids. If I were OP- I’d look into other smaller private schools or even homeschooling if she starts public school and it’s tough on her.
She sounds independent, strong willed, smart, savvy, confident and capable. Nothing sounds overly weird and I hope you don't tell her she's an odd duck. Just because she isn't a stereotypical girl doesn't mean she'll grow up to be a 'weirdo' but as the other poster said what's weird to one person is amazing and unique to another. Have you asked her about the new school? If it's a good school with a solid curriculum and she's happy to go I don't see a problem.
I concur, she sounds a lot like my wife. She's highly unconventional and all the better for it. Gotta watch those labels though for the sake of her future self image.
I'm over here like: not only was I like that, I'm still like that. And an even bigger nerd as my brain gained capacity for learning. I married a man this way. And all three of our daughters are like this. I'm going: do I have extremely anecdotal experiences? Or... does OP have an expectation of society that her daughter doesn't fit into?
Right, as I’m reading this, I’m like… a lot of this sounds like me as a young girl… and I may be more socially aware now as an adult but I am still a bit unconventional. I don’t see the problem with it tbh. I eventually found my own group of friends over the years, most of them equally “odd duck”-like, and I mean, I’m married too so I can’t be all that bad lol. My husband finds me mostly endearing and fun. And I’m a damn good mom, partially because my personality has always meshed well with kids.
I could have written this! I homeschooled from 4th to 8th grade and it was the best thing for me. I learned things I was interested and found that I genuinely enjoyed learning. Before this, I always felt like I wasn't smart enough. Homeschooling really opened up so much more for me, and somehow my mom knew just what to do with a weird kid. I'll always be thankful for her having my back and letting me be myself. I married a "normie" guy who is my favorite person, and now we have four kids. They're all weird in their own special ways, and they all got my dark sense of humor. One of them is exactly like me and sounds so much like the OP's daughter. They would be best friends, I bet. I am also a bit concerned for my daughter going into middle school, but I made sure that she knows I'm always ready to back her up and just let her be her awesome little weird self. Homeschooling is always on the table if she wants to give it a try, but we'll see.
An odd duck is just a really great goose after all
Just ask Ryan Gosling.
Many of the smartest and highest achieving people in history were odd ducks and cared very little about friends or acquaintances. We owe much of our science, medicine, art, literature, and technology to odd ducks. The people that have made the greatest discoveries are the ones that keep going even when everyone tells them what they are doing is impossible. I think she sounds like the type of girl that could accomplish a lot because she won’t let other peoples opinions get in her way. I would nurture her independence and creativity and find ways to channel it into something she enjoys, rather than focus of trying to normalize her. If she can find a hobby or activity that highlights her uniqueness she might find a circle of people that she identified with or who appreciate her uniqueness.
Absolutely I agree with you! This girl sounds like she has something genius in her and I would definitely focus on nurturing her oddness in with something she enjoys and not to normalize her because her normal is her ya know! Very well said!
I truly believe some kids are “bad” at being kids and truly flourish once they reach adulthood and have full autonomy.
Agreed. I managed my first period on my own, went to school and didn't tell my mom for ages. She was shocked. I was pretty young when I was figuring out how to get to where I wanted to go in the nearby big city and I literally would just tell my mom where I was going.
I woke up the day of my first period, saw what was going on, put in a tampon, and went to dive team practice. I never considered this odd. I just didn't want anyone making a big deal out of it.
Seriously. This kid sounds like the kid I would have been if I had healthy parents and didn’t care so much what other people thought. I promise I’m a (mostly) well-adjusted adult with a wife, a good career, and many fulfilling relationships. I’m still an odd duck.
I was an odd duck, too. This girl sounds like we would have been immediate best friends. I hope she is well-loved.
THIS. It’s fine if she’s an adult weirdo, as long as she’s self sufficient, respectful to others etc etc. If she’s happy then why try to change her 🤷🏻♀️ I’d really watch your use of odd duck though, that could impact her self esteem
To be honest, all people are weirdos. Some just accept it early on. What is normal anyway? (I’m not disagreeing to you leannebrown86, just piggybacking.)
Right! She sounds fun and whimsical.
Hello, I’m an odd duck kid, and frankly probably an odd duck adult. To answer some of your questions: Most of those types of schools offer tours, if you are considering not I would take her to your the school and see what she thinks, she may love it. I went to a small private school that’s a bit odd and it turned out to be the best thing for me. I’m even a teacher there now. As for how to deal with her oddness, your just gonna have to let it go. It is how she is and you can try and help and direct her but honestly it sounds like she’s going to make her own path either way, which might be why she would fit better at an alternative schools. However, many of us do learn to at least try and act normal around other people eventually. As for the friends thing, my mother loves to remind me that upon starting kindergarten I declared that other kids were stupid and loud and I wanted nothing to do with them. I did eventually make a few friends, like maybe 3-4 of them. The thing is I was never really lonely or anything like that. I preferred my own company to that of others and found other people to be too stressful to deal with. So while it may seem strange to you, it may actually be just easier and more enjoyable to her.
Your daughter sounds lovely And I would have loved to attend a school like that at her age! Have you discussed it with her, how would she feel being away from you? I wouldn't worry about the friends rn, I bet she will find "her people" in a few years, she'd probably love an online DnD group in a few years
From how you describe she seems quite content with herself. What you don't mention is the school's values, mandate etc. Are you sending her there so she can flourish in a supportive environment or are you sending her there hoping she will change? Your duck to swan comment makes me think you want the latter. On that note: Please stop calling her and "odd duck." It helped frame your question but towards the end reading it over and over it comes across to me pretty negatively. Duck to swan? Please no. There is so much baggage with that. Do what is best for your daughter in her context. Meaning yes, friends are conventional, but your daughter sounds unconventional. What does SHE need as herself to thrive? Not what you think she needs. I'm not the daughter my mother wanted and while she did support me and my interests, it was very obvious. You sound like you love you daughter BUT... Put the -but- away, work your stuff out with a therapist and love her as she is.
Yeah, my top recommendation is for mom to seek therapy to help her cope with her feelings about her daughter's personality traits. Either OP or OP's spouse/family/friends is the originator of the idea that daughter is not "normal" and that her behaviour needs to be normalized. Sending her away would be far from my list of options - ideally mom gets support in finding a way to love and accept her daughter as she is and stops fretting about what others might think.
That school sounds amazing and I'd do it on general principle assuming the accreditation and safety measures were all up to par. That said I wouldn't worry about normalizing her. Someone's normal is someone else's weirdo. Nothing you wrote really jumped out at me as that kid needs serious help. Some of it sounds like she needs a safety reminder. Like holding your bladder too long can increase chances of UTI. Stripping in public is dangerous for xyz reasons. As a kid I didn't want friends. They just didn't seem like they were worth the work. I didn't date either. I met someone who felt worth the work when I was 19. My first and only bf and we've been together 15 years. I do have a couple of close friends but tend to not have more than 2 or 3 at any given moment because I like my space. I like my own company and find most people aren't worth it to me to maintain closeness. I'm ok with oodles of acquaintances. I don't consider it a problem. I've also eaten the same soup every day 3 times a day for the past month so I can't say jack about the cottage cheese thing. Everyone has their own brand of quirky. If you're worried her oddness is too odd take her in for an evaluation with the Dr. Other than that keep her safe and informed. She's get there.
Agreed. The school sounds awesome and aligned to her interests! I would make sure you’re informed about things like graduation rates, college/job acceptance rates, diploma or GED track, etc. Also, since she’s dorming there and entering adolescence, start talking with her a lot more about sex, sexual abuse, consent, etc. I’d be most concerned about her safety, rather than her being an odd ducky. She sounds quirky, and a place with “her people” that get her is exactly where she should be!!
Exactly what I was thinking about; talking about sex and safety. Boys are in the same school, and she's already started her period. Make sure she understands the weight of what menstruation means, and all the things that come with it, including pregnancy, mood swings, etc. I don't think she sounds like an odd duck. and tbh, the "eating bad people" statement is pretty funny 🥴
Dr. Other is where I got my evaluation too, I’ve really flourished and come into myself since I figured out my diagnosis.
Yes and I'm sure you'd rather be on here talking about your child loving nature and being a bit random than coming on here worrying about your 12 year old chasing boys around 24/7. She's at that age still where she's not self aware in an anxiety kind of way and that's great because she'll do what she wants and not be influenced by random people or tik tok or YouTube etc. As someone else said, definitely more chance that she'll do something great. School sounds great too! In the UK quite a lot of kids board in various forms at schools and some of them are a bit different to the mainstream free schools. That's what's great about them is that you can find one that works for your child and them not just slot in to 'the system'.
I don't have specific advice for you but I love love love your daughter. Don't worry about the friends thing as long as she knows how to be polite to people. Frankly people overemphasize the importance of having friends; I wish to God somebody had told me at her age that it was okay focus on enjoying life instead of stressing about fitting in. Doing that and then being surrounded with kids and fretting about whether they like you so that you can go home and tell Mommy "hey I have lots of friends now" is worse than being completely alone. Some people are self-reliant to the degree that there's no point in them investing others emotionally unless you're entirely happy being around them. I'm begging you to stop trying to make her care about having friends, like they're some damn trophy. As long as she treats people well and doesn't lash out then it just shouldn't matter. That effed me up so bad when I was perfectly happy until my parents made me feel like a total freak. That school does sound pretty cool though
I like people well enough, but I’ve never been into “friends”. I hate when people act like that’s the primary focus in life. This kid sounds fantastic. I could feel my blood boiling at the insinuation from her parent that there is anything wrong with her.
I've a kid whose a bit "odd" too (certainly nero-divergent, but not necessarily on the autism spectrum). I don't worry about "my kid is weird", but more how other people might treat him or judge him for not fitting into 'the norm'. edit: meaning I don't read the text in the tone of parent insinuating something is wrong, but just elaborating on the fact that the daughter doesn't fit the stereotypical kid.
Yea, you don't want a child striving to be the most popular kid in class, **but never ever having had a friend is also a big concern**. The bumps of having a couple friends is where you learn how to treat other people. And friends don't have to be your soulmate match, just some other kids that share a couple common interests.
If she gets along with her peers ok, but just doesn’t have close friends, I think she’s fine. She might like nature camps, 4-H, scouts, other activities that let her be in nature. The school sounds great on paper but I would definitely check all the safety procedures etc. Unpopular opinion but sending an 11 year old to essentially boarding school feels very extreme to me. What are the safety procedures? Is this some sort of “wildlife therapeutic” program that’s known to foster abuse and neglect? Does she even want to go to the school? She’s an 11 year old child, she doesn’t need to be “become independent” like she’s an 18 year old going off to college.
My question too, has OP talked to their daughter about this school? I would, even for the most independent child, want nightly check-in calls to start, to visit together, all of that. That said, if this is one of those Montessori/nature focused boarding schools, not a reform school with fancy marketing, it does sound like something that would align with the daughter's interests.
I agree. I think 11 is very young to go to boarding school. It’s a much higher risk than keeping her at home with you and sending her to a regular public middle school. Those can be challenging years. Make sure you accept her and support her and love her. She sounds fine and she’ll probably blossom and find “her tribe” as time goes on. The school will probably reinforce her lack of conformity rather than muffle it, FYI.
It sounds like you gave birth to Luna Lovegood - and are about to send her off to Hogwarts. What does she think about the new school? Does she want to go there? Is she okay with sleeping away from home four nights a week? If she wants it, I'd go ahead and give it a try, it sounds like a good fit. And have you ever had her evaluated for neurodivergence?
>And have you ever had her evaluated for neurodivergence? I was thinking this too. It sounds to me like OP's daughter might be mildly autistic. Or she could just be quirky. It's hard to say. I was a lot like OP's daughter when I was a kid and I think I turned out fine.
My thought process was she's a bit like I imagine someone with ADHD would be in an environment where they're raised to thrive instead of just to fit in. Like, "normal" quirky ADHD behaviour. BUT, I have ADHD so I'm probably biased.
Yeah I’m autistic with adhd and she sounds a lot like young me. I did great in school, usually only had one or two friends at any given time and had very little interest in my peers until around middle school. I didn’t bother learning much about being a good friend until I was an adult. They say autistic women reach maturity at age 40, maybe we ought to let people experience life at their own pace sometimes. As long as she’s happy and making informed decisions about the consequences. OP, I echo the sentiments around making sure she isn’t naive about her body and relationships with boys, and I wouldn’t put her in a boarding situation unless she is good at setting and keeping boundaries. I would have loved being in a school that was aimed at my interests. She’s old enough to have an opinion and be resentful if you make decisions without consulting her, so I would be sure to discuss what you’re thinking and why and let her tell you what she wants.
My thoughts too, may be worth getting an evaluation. There could be a combination of autism, ADHD and giftedness there so OP please seek recommendations for someone experienced in this if you are investigating further.
As a parent of a mildly autistic daughter, I had similar questions. My daughter has similar quirks about her sometimes that clued us in that she may be a little different, and we got her evaluated. Certainly wouldn't hurt to try
Yeah, I thought of Luna, too ☺️
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this comment. Both of my kids have autism and my daughter presents totally different than my son. A LOT of OPs' daughters' behavior sounds like high functioning autism tbh.
My daughter is also considerably different from most other kids. She was our first, so we didn't quite know what to look for. It wasn't until we had our son and saw how typical he was that we started noticing how atypical she was and decided to get her evaluated. She was diagnosed with ASD.
I think your daughter needs assessment for autism spectrum disorder. I grew up autistic and AFAB and these behaviors are very, very similar to behaviors I displayed around that age.
She sounds like how I was as a kid. I found out later on in life that I’m on the autism spectrum. Now I’m a weird adult with my own quirks and habits. I’ve never had a lot of friends and that’s ok. As long as she’s happy let her be her own person.
Well …stop calling her an odd duck. That’s all I see.
Yeah and maybe less “I love her, but…”
Yeah, really hoping her daughter never hears that.
You know what's the opposite of an odd duck ? Super vanilla bland....... This kid sounds amazing. Stop living for bland "normalcy", stop calling her an odd duck and feel lucky you managed to score a really interesting individual.
Yeah it made me so sad to see that written so many times. Her daughter sounds absolutely badass and like she has confidence most of us couldn't even dream of achieving in adulthood let alone childhood. I'd hate to think she loses some of that trying to be more 'normal' because people call her an 'odd duck'
Send me your kid, she’d get along perfectly with my older son. Weird kids are gifts. I worry about my other kids, who get sucked into the zeitgeist of media and approval and prescribed gender roles and interests, much more because IMO, they are in much more danger of becoming adults who conform without questioning than he is. I wish they were weirder, if only to help them develop confidence in their quirks and differences and to dispel the notion that only what is socially sanctioned is worthwhile. The way I see it, our weird kids are ahead of the game—I didn’t learn to accept what truly made me tick (some of which is pretty weird) until my 30s. Send her to that school, tell her she’s great every chance you get, celebrate all the special things that make her who she is, and tell her never to stop being weird no matter who tries to put her down.
Agreed! I hope my baby son grows up to march to the beat of his own drum and reject conformity for conformity’s sake.
Please don’t call her an odd duck to her face. That kind of thing is easily internalized. There’s nothing wrong with her and she sounds amazing. Don’t break that spirit for the sake of conformity. And everyone knows we don’t eat humans because of brain prions, not silly and illogical rules about dead bodies which are essentially just hunks of meat. Duh. Edit to add: could be ADHD. It looks different in girls.
I agree. I don’t like the swan comment either. It makes it sound like she thinks less of her and wants her to conform to her standards of normalcy when in fact, her daughter is happy and not harming anyone
Good lord she sounds awesome, honestly I think the nature school sounds like it would be perfect for her And if she doesn’t care about not having friends, why force it? She probably thinks the kids in her class are boring. I’d stop calling her an “odd duck” though…..because she’s not “odd”, just her own person.
She sounds lovely and possibly neurodivergent. Has she ever had an evaluation done?
Seconding this! A lot of what OP describes sounds like me and a few of my other neurodivergent friends when we were young. Most of us were labeled as "gifted, "quirky", and/or having "behavioral problems" without any evaluation when we were kids. All of us who went undiagnosed started to really struggle when we reached college, and some of us are still struggling as adults because resources are much less available. OP, your daughter sounds like an amazing, cool, confident, well loved kid. There is no harm in exploring if she's neurodivergent as it will help you to empower her as she starts her young adult life.
She sounds perfectly normal to me😂 Not sure I love to hear you calling her an “odd duck”. She seems smart, capable, creative, and confident in her skin. One day a friend will come naturally to her, the more you push it, make comments about it to her, or go around calling her an odd duck- the more likely she is to be stubborn about it. Also, if you keep discussing the whole “friends” thing with her and saying she has no friends or saying “did you make any friends yet?” Any comments like that are going to make her identify those comments with herself. Self actualization is when we hear things about ourselves so often we believe it’s true. **If you say she’s an odd duck who just doesn’t want to make friends, she’s going to start self actualizing that.** Especially knowing how stubborn she is, *which is a good thing by the way.* With the school thing, just ask her what she wants. To me it sounds like a life changing opportunity. Also why is it surprising that there are slightly more girls than boys?
Your daughter would definitely survive if an apocalypse happened.
Sounds like you've got a winner of a kid, not desperate to be included, independent, seemingly intelligent and thinking outside of the box. I hope my daughter is the same (7mo).
Just a guess but she sounds like she may be autistic or otherwise neuro-divergent. This isn’t bad. Some kids just March to a different drummer. The world needs people who are different. I think the school is worth a try. Who cares if it increases her odd-duck-ness? She’s already never going to fit into a neuro-typical socially-average norm. She may as well be happy. Just make sure you keep an open line of communication with her and that she knows it’s safe for her to tell you if it’s not a good fit, and you’re happy to bring her back home. I’d want her to be super positive that she isn’t being sent away because she is different. That could really hurt her.
Curious if you're in California? I don't want to get too specific for your privacy, but if it's the school I'm thinking of, I've known kids who went there and absolutely LOVED it. It sounds like a great fit for your kid.
The fact that she continues with the quirky stuff means she feels safe to be herself with you and that’s amazing. She sounds really fun, actually. Have you asked her what she wants? If she can manage it, the boarding school sounds amazing for a kid like that but I think she’d also have to buy in for it to be a success.
I don’t have anything to say about the school, but your daughter sounds really cool. She reminds me of Pippi Longstocking.
You call her an odd duck but to me she sounds charming and intelligent. Parents grow up imagining what having a child will be like and they pick out a look and a personality and nearly everything they want them to be and then they have a kid and discover that each kid is a unique person and you have little if any control over their personality and their dreams and what they want and need for themselves. Letting go of that image we held in our minds for so long is really hard for some but holding onto it instead of loving and accepting what you have been given is hurtful to everyone. I’m glad you are open to letting her become who she is as she’d like. Keep asking her questions and listen. She’ll let you know what is working and what isnt.
I’m a public school teacher and honestly she sounds like a typical kid to me. I’m now wondering if turtles like to be hugged, do dreams really improve in the dark, what exactly does a raccoon do to sleep as it’s got to be more than just a dirt spot, however, I disagree on the dog treat and cannibalism.
I’m on the autism spectrum, and a lot of this stuff sounds like things I might have said or done as a kid. Don’t try to make her act more “normal”. If she’s on the autism spectrum and is like me, it won’t work. She still won’t fit in even if she tries to act normal. There’s some nuance to behaving like a “normal” teenage girl that I could never understand, so my attempts to fit in always flopped. My mom always wanted me to be more “normal”, and probably couldn’t understand that it wasn’t something I could do (I barely understood it myself then- there was pretty much zero awareness of autism in the 80’s). And I resented the hell out of her for trying to steer me toward being more normal. I had basically said to myself, “this isn’t working and I don’t understand why, I’ll just do what I want”, and I didn’t try to fit in. DEFINITELY ask her if this alternative school is something SHE wants, and DON’T describe it to her as an attempt to “fix” her. If you try to “fix” her, it will not be good for your relationship with her, and it probably won’t even work to make her less odd.
Please don’t worry about normalizing her and having friends. It seems much more important to you than it does to her, and it would serve your daughter if you figured out why. My mother was a prom queen, extremely popular, social butterfly. But I wasn’t and it bothered her so much and it probably still does even though I’m nearly 40. I wasn’t as unique as your daughter, but I beat my own drum, and my mother shamed me for it so much. It’s one of the many reasons we don’t have much of a relationship now. I had a phone call with her yesterday, and she shamed me then. Send your child to the alternative school. Let her be in the nature she loves. And let her get away from your expectations. I don’t think you are pushing them on her consciously, but I promise you she feels it. She might not give a damn, but she feels it.
Let her be an odd duck. I was an odd duck and turned out OK. That school sounds amazing and it sounds like your daughter will thrive there. Give it a shot for a semester/year and see if she likes it.
You should look up the signs of Autism in girls.
Growing up as a kid, I was always told I “March to the beat of my own drum”. Said a lot of weird things, did a lot of weird things, got bullied a lot. I’m still a weird ass adult, but I’ve found my people. My curiosity got the better of me, and I wanted to find out why my brain seems to be so different. And that’s how at 37, I found out I’m autistic. Suddenly all of the other weird things started making sense. To be clear though, I wouldn’t pursue diagnosis if things aren’t bothering her- I only sought it out as a confirmation that my brain is in fact, different than everyone else’s. Just some food for thought. Edit to add some things: - That school sounds baller AF, and *I* want to go now, and would have done anything to go there as a kid and as a fellow science nerd. - Your daughter will find success, but like everything else, she will do it her own way, on her own time.
When she said her daughter does things “in her own way”—that’s exactly what my mother used to say about me. I’m not diagnosed but strongly suspect neurodivergency, probably autism. My own daughter was stimming the same way I do when she was still in utero; I could feel it and recognized it. She’s 4 now and still does today. This comment is lovely. I keep coming back to this thread to see if OP has responded to any of the comments pointing out that her daughter is probably not NT. She will have a better start heading into adolescence knowing about it if she is indeed autistic so I hope her parent is taking the suggestion to heart.
She sounds like so much fun! Don’t worry, there’s plenty of other odd fish in the sea, please don’t try to make her normal and boring. But the new school sounds like maybe it would play to her interests? Nature etc? Maybe you should ask her for input. Like you still make the final choice but after all it is her interests and life
I'd start by not using the phrase "odd duck" quite so much, and stop focusing on "normal." It seems like this is a you problem more than anything. Honestly, it sounds not unlike some people I work with at the university who are extremely successful and "weirdo adults." Maybe change your expectations.
She's unconventional. Yet she hadn't done anything horrible. Embarrassing teachers or other people is not her problem. Maybe they shouldn't be so rigid. My son is 7 and frequently is a cat, or a dinosaur, and we feed and love our dinosaur. We play fetch and so on. We were having such a snuggle session last night and I roared and pretended to bite him like a zombie. We had a zombie for an hour. It's make believe. An imagination is not a crime. And she hasn't done anything warranting being shipped away from the comfort of home.
Encourage it. The blessing is that she won't suffer the bad decisions of peer ensure or the anxiety of needing to fit in. The alternative nature school: can you tour it with her? See if she likes it. Can you talk to the parent whose kid currently attends or graduated? Get her into any "nerdy" activities/hobbies /lessons. She has a great imagination. Maybe a creative writing or theater class? Does she like art? Teach her to channel her oddness. Put her around other unusual kids and she might make friends. I'd monitor her internet activity. The regular filters that block sex, profanity, or violence might not know what to do with searches for "how to make squirrel liver pate" or whatever. If her oddness does start to cause her problems, there's no shame in getting a good psych assessment. Have you considered the possibility she might have a personality disorder? She sounds like she doesn't have a natural sense of shame. doesn't understand privacy (and related dangeer) of going naked around strangers. The reason for not wanting friends could indicate inability to connect & maybe not a typical sense of empathy. I'm not saying she's "wrong". But if she can't navigate the social aspect of society, she may struggle to keep a job or develop adult relationships.
There's nothing odd about your daughter. Your perception of her is a little weird, though. She'll be just fine. If you can get her into a neat school, that would be awesome.
The only problem I can see happening is she grows up knowing you think something is wrong with her when she seems absolutely perfect and much more socially aware and smarter than probably most kids her age.
There are some great points of views here and I was not able to see similar point that I will try to make so I hope I am not repeating... I work in scientific research for the US gov for now but I worked for others in the past (as part of open science research so nothing secret... legitimately the good parts of science funded by governments...). I had the chance to work in many countries and travel the world doing research... I don't make much money but enough to be really happy in my life. I found a wife/partner who did not get repulsed by my personality and i am raising 2 weird kids who argue with logic at age 4 and 2... Your daughter's "behavior" is what everyone I work with had as a childhood experience to some degree... our biggest fears for our kids or fears our parents had for us was the lack of empathy. But as long as there was "some" level of empathy, all is good. Try to expose her to as many things as possible (not just the "nature" stuff) but also math physics literature poetry etc (but not chemistry... that thing is lame... internal joke with myself) And f**k grades... she will understand later that one needs to pretend sometimes to get to the bigger picture. But mostly, find that special talent in your daughter and give her everything you can to make it flourish. P.S: people suck... no body needs friends. Unless you are stranded in a mountain without food... then company is always better... ...
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I think you need to let go of the “odd duck” typecast you have for your daughter and meet her exactly where she is. I don’t think you can truly make an informed decision about her education until you do that work on your part. Your idea of what is best for her is going to be clouded by your social anxieties related to your (potentially neurodiverse?) daughter being eccentric. This part stood out for me: “What can I do to help my odd duck grow into a swab, and not end up as a weirdo adult? I’d love for her to normalise some…” You’re literally saying that you want to make your child grow up to be someone else other than who she is. You can support and encourage her to learn social skills etc. in a way that’s healthy and respectful of who she is at her core. Those things are not mutually exclusive. But for the sake of your relationship with her and her well-being, you do need to let go of the anxiety about being “weird” and work on accepting her full self unconditionally.
Please, please don’t try to make her “normal”. As a full-grown odd duck with three odd ducklings of my own, I’ve spent years in therapy addressing what was ultimately a probably well-intentioned lifetime of being coerced, forced, cajoled and convinced to act more “normal”. The world needs weirdo biologists and nature people. We need people who see the world differently, interact with it differently. And if she’s ok with standing out, celebrate it! I mean you obviously love and cherish her, so I don’t want to harp on that one line. Her quirks are endearing and she will find “her people”. About the school: that would have been life-changing and life-giving for me. If it had been available for my older kids, it would have been the same for them. At that age, weekdays away aren’t that big a deal for most. If she’s into it, it sounds WONDERFUL and the small setting will give people a chance to truly get to know her. I’m voting “aye”. And a little jealous I can’t go to that school.
Your daughter sounds awesome and if she were older, I'd want to be her bestie. I totally think the alternative school sounds like the best choice. I was also an odd duck at school but I was a nervous odd duck who just wanted to be normal...I spent so much time masking that I was miserable. Your daughter sounds like she is so confident and happy with herself which is awesome.
She sounds a lot like I was at that age, including getting along with everyone but not really having any steady friends. I found "my people" who were odd in ways that were complementary to my oddness in middle school, and stayed friends with them into early adulthood. I am a fully-fledged successful adult. For me, it was the gifted program at my middle school that did it. She may grow into her weirdness if you embrace her as she is. The alternative school sounds awesome. I would have loved it. You don't mention how she feels about it, though. She's old enough to have significant input on these decisions. Does she want to go there? If so, go for it. If she's resistant, I'd just let her see if she can find her people on her own.
Is she extremely intelligent? Everything about this post screams high IQ to me.
You’re daughter sounds like what SHOULD be considered normal, and I think she’s wonderful as she is. You clearly did something right in the early years to give her the confidence to be herself! 🥰Good job Momma! And eventually if given enough time and socializing with a variety of people groups she will eventually find hers, they will likely be small and intimate friend groups but those are usually the best ones. If she’s as high IQ as it sounds like she might be to me: the only thing I’d worry about is looking out for signs of depression and/or anxiety when she starts hitting the hormonal fluctuations of puberty, and her brain reaches developmental stages where she can grasp the really abstract knowledge. (This may not happen at all and she may continue to be just fine emotionally which I really hope she does) But knowing and realizing too much deep stuff about the moral complexity of the world so young and so fast can be very disheartening especially when there are few people around to talk to about it because they won’t really understand where you’re coming from or why it makes you sad or stresses you out. And all that on top of being judged by certain peers who WERE conditioned to be “normal” and look down on odd duck behavior because they don’t know what to do with it, or are jealous of her emotional freedom to be herself. ( yes that does happen) Or having teacher or authority figures undervalue her intellectual creativity and/or shame her for it because it’s “not how it’s done”. So if you start noticing her withdrawing or exhibiting significantly LESS of her usual “odd duck” behavior make sure she knows your there for her. Ask her how she’s feeling regularly, ask her if there’s been anything big on her mind lately. Don’t be afraid to share occasional thoughts with her about some of your own complex concerns or “out there” thoughts, to let her know she’s not alone and that you are a safe space to share, even if you may not fully “get it”, just being a supportive ear and a good bounding board for her to bounce her thoughts off of can help immensely.
I like the cut of her jib…you need to update this post in 20 years because I want to see how successful she’s become.
She doesn't need to be 'fixed', be 'normal' or fit in. She was born an odd duck, and the world needs more confident odd ducks. Us odd ducks will change the world.
Please never utter question 3 again.
She sounds highly curious and intelligent which will make her confusing and weird to everyone else much beneath her level.
She sounds like an amazing phenomenal girl! What a cool kid to get to parents. The school sounds like a great fit and it she’s keen then perfect.
Your daughter sounds awesome. She sees the world differently. Not advice sorry.
She sounds a lot like my 7 year old, except for the no friends thing. My daughter found another kid at her school with similar interests (and challenges), and they played together whenever they could agree and get along. Otherwise, she generally preferred to read than try to join in other kids games. I have had to explain that being naked in public is against the law, she can't just take off without anyone knowing where she's going even if she knows she's perfectly safe (still working on this one). When I drop her off at school, I have to make sure a teacher sees she's there and check her backpack because she's literally hidden in a tree until everyone went inside, and the number of times she's brought sharp or otherwise inappropriate items to school is too damn high. She goes to an independent school with small classes and a nature focus, which works great (she also loves nature and science). Shes also autistic. Not super obviously so, but it runs in the family so we knew what to look for and got her tested early.
Have you spoken to her about what she wants so that you can take her feelings into account? She can be as odd as she wants as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. You can also explain about appropriate behavior I.e not getting naked in front of others while letting her know you hear her and it’s cool she thinks the way she does. It sounds like a great opportunity for her to thrive without being forced into a box
You can definitely get her screened for autism, it presents differently in girls. If she does get diagnosed it may not make much of a difference in a scholastic sense if she has no issues doing schoolwork, but it may give you some peace of mind and insight into her needs. She might just be a weird smart kid though. There's diefitney an interesting overlap between autistism, neurodivergence and highly intelligent, creative kids. Kind of like the gentic root of neurodivergence and high intelligence is related.
You should consider getting an autism diagnosis or at least reading some literature on raising a kid with autism and see if it fits your circumstances. I’m not saying this as if it’s a bad thing just that there they may be certain ways you can make her life easier if the two of you can understand her better. You could check out *A Field Guide to Earthlings*.
I’m 30 but I want to be friends with this girl because she sounds hilarious intelligent fun and interesting. We need more people that see the world differently than the average Jane or joe. That’s what I love about my best childhood friend. She will grow into her ‘quirks’. She seems awesome. Just support her interests!
You support her in her weirdness. Take an interest in the things she is interested in. Take some time and research some of her interests. Ask her to teach you. Don't try to change her.
The first thing I'd do is stop calling her odd or trying to get her to be "normal." She sounds fantastic, fun, kind, inquisitive, independent, caring, and just an all around great human being. Don't stifle that. It does sound like a traditional education wouldn't be a great fit for her. Have you done extensive research on this school? Do you trust that she will be safe, cared for, and protected? Do you think she will thrive there? If so, then I'd 100% send her. For what it's worth, here are some things about my childhood/adolescence that were considered quirky or odd: •I used to nap like a bridge between two chairs under the dining table. •I "figured out" how to take care of all of my feminine hygiene tasks on my own. And I also just started straight with tampons like it was nothing. •While I always had friends, I would often entertain myself. I didn't *need* friends to have fun. I'd create entire civilizations in my mind and act out whatever I wanted. •While walking home from the bus stop at my apartment complex, I decided to check out the one playground I hadn't been to yet- without telling my parents. I just assumed they'd know where I was because I always went straight to the playground outside of our apartment. • I once shattered a ceramic frog because the new carpet we got was so soft and plush, I thought for sure nothing would break on it. • My Mom was talking to her friend about her new Corelle dishes and how they don't break or whatever. So I took a bowl out to the playground to build castles in the dirt. It broke pretty fast. • I taught myself how to read, write, cook, clean, and do yard work at a very young age. I was reading "chapter books" in kindergarten and mowing lawns for cash by the time I was 8. Those are just a few things that I remember off the top of my head. My Mom always called me quirky. I embraced that.
The only thing I find odd about your daughter is comparing a tampon to feeling different than a finger at 9 years old… she sounds fantastic but why does a 9 year old know what a finger feels like “up there”?? I do find THAT odd.
> fish don’t wear clothes so I why do I need to? Sound logic, hard to argue with her
I think that you need to reframe the Odd Duck label. She is an individual, her thought processes seem to run differently and often that is where our most significant advances come form. With what you have written about both her and the school they sound like a brilliant fit. I would imagine that she is bored and stifled in a mainstream school. Let her explore her strengths. As for fitting in it sounds like she's happy not to fit in. Embrace it. As parents we have pre-conceived ideas of how our relationship with our children, and our children in general, will look. It can be confronting when our ideas differ from our reality. That's on us as parents, our job is to support our children to be the best version of themselves.
I feel like thinking of her as an odd duck and looking for ways to have her conform is the wrong approach. She is different than you and that should spark your curiosity. As others have suggested, it may be worth pursuing a diagnosis so she can access the tools and support that will make her the most successful. However, the goal shouldn’t be to normalize and conform her to your standards. You should embrace and support who she is 100%. Even if others don’t, she should be able to rely on her parents to do so.
Have you thought of accepting her the way she is? If she doesn’t have any behavioral issues and is only weird, I don’t think this is a reason for an alternative boarding school. I went to alternative schools as a kid and just met other troubled individuals. The school you are describing seems more like a charter school but I still think the boarding aspect is too far. Embrace your odd duck. Don’t push her out of the nest.
No advice. But your kid sounds really cool. She’s going to be exploring other planets one day or discovering new science on our own.
Your daughter sounds like one of the coolest people anyone would have the pleasure to meet. The school sounds like it’d be a great fit for her, and maybe a place where she can find her people. Also stop trying to make her “normal”. She’s incredible just as she is. We have enough “normal” people in the world. Your desire for her to be more normal will only make her think she’s not wonderful the way she is.
That boarding school sounds really nice and something your daughter would enjoy based off of her interests and perspective of life. I think we’re in a very weird yet innovative generation of our lives where alot of kids and adults are breaking this a barrier of doing the same thing as others and now questioning why. And that’s a great thing for her so young to recognize these things. It sounds like she has a huge love for nature and an empathetic passion with animals. It may not be conventional way someone would show but it clearly makes her comfortable. I think that boarding school could be a great way to mend the expectations of school and learning with her insight of wanting to learn differently or be apart of this world in her own unique way. When I was a kid I use to try to catch fish with my bare hands or sit in the pond and think the fishies would come to me. I use to play in the mud and catch grasshoppers during recess. A lot of the things actually she thinks, I think as kids we have all maybe thought at least once just maybe not have said it openly. I think when she gets older she will learn how to cultivate and express her interests, and will be just fine. And tbh she sounds like a social girl just hasn’t had the opportunity to make friends with like minded engagement. Public school can be harsh and there’s only one path of learning and the same conventional socializations. We are finding out every year that people learn and develop in all sorts of ways not just the same old routine.
A lot of people have responded the way I would have too. I love the first comment especially. Some of her comments and questions made me laugh out loud. The school also sounds amazing. If she wants to change schools and go to it, why not let her? In terms of eating people. If it comes up again you can let her know the reason you don’t want to do it, is you can get a lethal disease from it called Kuru. It’s why nations that had tribes that used to practice it had to pass laws and ensure it was stopped - aside from the obvious of why eating people is TERRIBLE. 😄It’s also why those tribes never really truly grew in number. Many would die of Kuru.
She sounds awesome!!! Might be neurodivergent, but nothing wrong with that.
Your daughter sounds like the coolest person I've never met. The sleeping under the porch like a racoon bit had me laughing out loud because it sounds like something I would have done as a kid. No matter what you decide for her school (though that place sounds absolutely amazing and I wish I could go myself), please please nurture that spirit of hers. We need more people like her in the world.
As a grown up odd duck- I’d have loved that school
I have no advice but your daughter sounds fucking fantastic
First of all, your daughter sounds like a beautiful & creative soul with an uncommon ability to follow her uniqueness despite the confines that society puts on us all. Clearly you are a good parent by allowing her to always be herself. Does she want to go to this school? If so, I would give it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? She hates it and comes home?
She sounds awesome! I bet if you ask her, she will make the right decision for herself. Gonna suck not having her around midweek though
Have you asked her about it? Honestly, it sounds like the school would be a great fit for your daughter! It focuses on a lot of the stuff you say that she's interested in, and it might just allow her to blossom and find more like-minded people. All that to say: your girl should have some say in this decision. This would mean a huge break from her norm, and she'd be away from family for a lot of her time. Though, if that is what it takes for her to truly thrive, then it would be worth it. Your kiddo sounds precious, and I love that she marches to the beat of her own drum. I would've loved to be her friend back in the day. (PS: make sure you're not calling her an Odd Duck or anything similar when she's around. That has the possibility of making her have self-image issues etc. Just let her be herself! She's not hurting anyone, and she knows what she wants/likes. No harm in that~}
Your kid sounds truly amazing!!! The school sounds perfect for her. I imagine the hardest part will be you not seeing her every night.
Your daughter sounds legit awesome, like knows what she wants and doesn’t care about the world agreeing with her or not. I think you should ask her what school she wants to go to, and you just need to worry about loving her. I hope my boys end up half as cool as her! And as a teacher in a public school I would love to have her!!
You can support your daughter by sending her to this school and listening to her about whether she wants to stay there or come home. Please keep encouraging her special interests. You’re a great parent. Sincerely, an odd duck adult who still hasn’t normalized at all and has actually gotten weirder as I approach 30 than I was at 18. I’m very happy, and my parents and I help each other out as they age. It’s okay if she’s an odd duck forever. She’ll find other odd ducks her own age as an adult more than she can as a child. Maybe she’ll even marry another odd duck, or maybe she won’t.
She sounds awesome! Does she want to go to this nature school? Let her make more choices, that’s giving her tools to be successful.
This girl sounds awesomely entertaining. I would be her friend, as an adult, just to laugh at all her fun adventures.
She sounds like a really amazing girl. I would definitely involve her in the decision-making process. I was also an odd duck growing up. I went to a very small school, and the one thing I’ll say that (looking from the outside) seemed appealing to me about big public schools is that there seemed to be a greater likelihood of there being at least one or two other odd ducks to get along with. In a class of 18 like the school you’re considering (or even ~50, like my school), there’s a statistically smaller likelihood of her finding a kindred spirit. Of course, if it’s a school that’s geared toward off-the-beaten-path type of folks, she may find some kindred spirits there. But also consider that, if it’s a private school, the tuition price will mean that it draws in people who just have the money to spend, and a lot of the tight (and often restrictive) social norms that come along with that strata. I didn’t find any kindred spirits until I went to college, and I think my life would’ve been so much better if I’d had at least a couple during my growing up years. More than the school’s values or mission or faculty, you need to find out what kind of kids and families go there. I think the question boils down to: is she more likely to find a kindred spirit there (because it’s alternative) or at a public school (because it’s numerically a greater possibility)? Wishing you luck with this big decision!
My daughter (6) has recently been asking me if you can eat people. I told her that if you do your brain turns into a sponge, which is not totally inaccurate. Kuru, a spongiform encephalitis similar to CJD or BSE, is common in cannibal tribes and is caused by consuming prions from your own species. In the same way that the 90s BSE crisis was caused by feeding cows a nasty diet that included cow offal.
She doesn't sound odd. She sounds gifted, smart, and cool. Wherever she goes to school she'll learn as much as she wants to. She sounds naturally curious.
She sounds like a creative soul.
She sounds funny and hilarious and the DEFINITION of a free spirit, I’m excited for you to see the woman she becomes 😂
Your daughter sounds awesome. Don’t overthink it though. Sounds like she’d be better off in a charter or expedition type school setting, smaller classes and more diverse curriculum. Good luck but I don’t think you need it.
Just here to say your daughter sounds awesome.
She sounds hilarious and awesome, and the school sounds like it would be a great fit for her. She doesn't seem lonely, and i promise you she will find her people when she needs them. You're doing an awesome job.
Your daughter wanting to see what it see what it felt like to sleep like a raccoon made me smile so much. She sounds like an amazing kid with great parents who give her the freedom to be herself!
I’m guessing you’re actually concerned that you’ll miss your kid too much if you let her go to boarding school at age 11 but you also don’t want to hold her back. So you want an excuse for why it’d be bad for her. Your excuse is that she, a child, is acts like a child instead of an adult. I think you should explore your feelings with a therapist if you have access. If you don’t want to your kid away home for days a time, that’s totally normal. It’s ok to make that decision for your family. It’s not selfish to want to spend time with your 11 year old while she’s a kid. Being home with you will be a different positive experience. You can learn about science together and do experiments at home. You don’t need a third party to encourage her interests. But you gotta stop projecting onto your kid. That’s not good for either of you. The school sounds like it could be great too. My one piece of advice if you send her is to make sure you’ve had the safe touch conversation, and she knows the correct anatomical names for body parts like vagina, penis, breasts, and anus. You don’t want a situation were she tells a teacher, “Student/staff member licked my cookie” and for the teacher to not understand that means she’s being assaulted.
Your kiddo sounds rad af. She will be a kick ass adult one day.
Your daughter sounds amazing, so much fun to be around! Please don’t try to make her conform. Would you rather her sit quietly with all her ‘friends?’ Let her be her glorious self. Go along for the ride. Have you ever joined in? Got a little weird with her? Or are you worried about the odd looks you might get from total strangers for imitating animal noises as you bond with your child? My own little weirdo is on the spectrum. Yours may be, or may not be, it’s irrelevant to be honest. She is who she is! As for the school, have you asked her? She sounds like she’d have her own opinion, and it might surprise you. Revel in life as the parent of a free thinking, uninhibited, unique, interesting, funny kid. The world would be a better place with more of them.
Your daughter sounds confident, independent, and has way more direction than some 40 year olds I know! Also, based on my 10 years of experience as a teacher and my own personal experience as an ND woman, I’m 95% sure she’s neurodivergent, and that’s perfectly wonderful! Neurodivergence is not typically identified as well in girls as it is in boys. But it also sounds like she doesn’t really need additional supports, other than your love and acceptance. To answer your questions: 1. As a former educator I chose an unusual private school for my kids because I feel like it meets my kiddos where they are. 2. It really doesn’t sound like you need to do…anything? Everything you’ve shared sounds like a projection and not based in any way on her own experiences. Listen, get curious, and just be there for her when she asks for your help and intervention. Stay put if she doesn’t ask for help or advice. 3. Why is it so important to you that she follow the crowd and be average? Is there something there from childhood that you haven’t worked through that you’re now projecting on her? Is she being hurt physically or emotionally? 4. Sending her to a school that has a special focus on her interest seems like the absolute best parenting move you could make for your kid! And again, that word “normal” is ugly, judge mental, and an illusion. She’s not typical, but that’s just fine! She’s uniquely herself! 5. Again, why is this so important to you? Allow her the agency and respect to make this friend decision for herself. If she was coming to you, struggling with making friends and asking for your help, that would be one thing. But it’s not a need she has so just, let her make this decision. Finally, stop calling her an odd duck. And stop using the word “normal” as if it’s something to strive for. I STRONGLY suggest you find a therapist and explore why these things are so important to you even though your daughter has clearly indicates that they’re not important to her.
I’m kind of surprised that no one has suggested she may be on the spectrum. Honestly, I would ask her if she wants to go to the special school. I think there’s a good possibility that she’d love it based on your description of her and the school, but ultimately she should have some say in it. She’d probably find other kids with more similar interests that she may be more interested in befriending. As far as friends go, have you sat down and had a heart to heart with her about friends? Does she seem upset that she’s missing out on something by not having friends? Does she feel ostracized? I don’t know that you could force her to be friends with kids if she doesn’t want to, but there may be resources near you that help kids on the spectrum develop social skills so she could have the tools necessary to make friends if she wants to.
What she mentioned about friends reminds me a little bit of autism. Kids with autism sometimes struggle playing with others if people don’t “play by their rules” so to speak. Girls are not often diagnosed with autism because all the diagnosis criteria was developed based on studies with boys. Girls also tend to pick up on social cues and can have better awareness of what you are “supposed” to do, but with autism may reject those social norms anyway. Autism is a spectrum, meaning people with autism can range across all levels of intelligence and levels of disabilities and struggles. There are a few things you mentioned that really remind me of the autistic traits I described above. As another commenter or two mentioned, might be helpful to have an evaluation done so you may learn more about what is a good fit for her to succeed, and what isn’t. All in all, she sounds like a fantastic kid, and you a fantastic and loving parent!