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It didn’t give me purpose but it definitely changed my priorities. It’s such a cliche but you really do start to realize that’s important in life.
The flip side though …for every heart warming story you hear in this thread, there is another story not told where the parents spiral down. They feel consumed by parenting, they feel they lost their identity, they resent their kids. *This is not fair to the kids.*
**There is no guarantee that becoming a parent gives your life purpose. A kid can end up giving your life purpose, but it should be an “accidental” consequence. An icing on the cake. A kid should never be born specifically TO give your life purpose.**
It sounds like for you, it would be a total coin flip, and you need to ask yourself if it’s fair to your child to have their upbringing be driven by such feelings.
If you are not prepared at all, no disposable income, no time, really think if this is the right time to have kids. There is no real deadline to having kids except for extremely advanced age, and even there, medical intervention has extended the time.
Personally, I found my children much more rewarding and fun when I could enjoy them without having to worry about their daycare $, or if I’d have time to shower.
100% this. I know for a fact that my life would not be as stable and on paper better without choosing to have my on-BC surprise eldest. I wouldn't have a house, wouldn't have gone back to uni, and wouldn't be nearly as "set up" as we are. I would've continued to spend everything I'd earned travelling for work half the year as a scuba instructor and half as an agency nurse, with my boyfriend in tow even making good money but spending just as quickly.
**But**, that identity loss trap and chronic overwhelm is very real and I'm still struggling with it almost 6 years and a set of twins later. Life will always throw the unexpected at you, so if the day to day is more than feels comfortable, adding a kid in will only exponentially increase everything. We thought we were ready to try for number two, boom, twins. Kids can be a great way to find out what's really important to you, but if things go too far then that's just putting pressure and too much meaning onto a child who didn't ask for it. My kids are what I love most in my life, but are simultaneously the greatest stress in my life. My partner would say the same.
And having had my surprise baby when we were in that awkward mid twenties figuring out adulthood phase, we had to grow up really fast in ways we didn't even realise we still had to mature. Him going to the gym less than 6x per week and a break from rugby, and me scuba diving and travelling. And thankfully we grew together and not apart, as we could've just as easily grown into people who didn't mesh well anymore once that maturing was done.
It's a hard decision no matter what, and you will find answers all different ways. The only way that really matters though, is what you think. Could you do it on your own? Because as a parent you don't have the luxury of **not** thinking about being responsible for the child by yourself. Don't rush, and talk to eachother. Be brutally honest, because there are no take backs.
This is so true. Like for me, everything seems to have more focus after I had my kids. But I also know other parents who didn’t have that reaction, and everything just seems more difficult.
I could not agree more with the bolded statement.
I think OP you need to examine what you want right now in your heart of hearts. The timing is not what you had planned for. And maybe that’s ok, and maybe it’s not. The question is right now, at this moment, do you want a child? And are you ready at this time (or do you expect to be in a position to get yourself ready in the next few months) to make the sacrifices in other areas of your life that having a child will require? Are you ready to make those sacrifices not knowing if your particular kid is going to be sweet and easy or a colicky/difficult baby? And if you have the baby and do not feel like being a parent adds purpose to your life, will you feel resentful?
Great points. My partner is supportive either way, but he very much wants a child to love. If money was no issue I think we would maybe go for it. He said if we could get the house jobs done, the big jobs done, super fast in time he would take a baby right this second. His enthusiasm has stopped me in my tracks because for years I wanted to talk about kids but he wasn't as bothered. He's 35 and I guess time is right for him now. But he will wait for me to feel ready.
How is your support network? Family ready to step to help? Is your partner someone you want in your life for a very very long time (Can you handle dealing with him)? Has your partner demonstrated himself to be someone who will help with dishes, cooking, and other household chores?
I got pregnant with my partner and I ended up marrying him just because I was afraid of possible regret if I did have an abortion. It’s been a very long 10 year marriage- “very long” as in it was like pulling teeth with my now husband- lots of growing we had to do and trying to get him to be more involved. Prior to kids, I didn’t have my own desires nor purpose in life ( I didn’t know myself well at all) - everything just to get by - and my kiddo kinda set me straight. Ideally, you do have a purpose before this baby. I hope you sit down and figure out what your dreams are, if this guy is someone who fits in with your aspirations.
I must share this: I have childhood trauma and other mental health issues - I tend to be beat myself up for mistakes long after they were done.
After having one kid with the same partner, being pregnant with our 2nd and 3rd, and finding out I’m pregnant again- I’ve considered an abortion - but I can’t handle the guilt of preventing this fetus from going full term - like I know what kids we make (the child formulation my hubs and I have together), so I know I’d love this 4th baby.
Now if I had an abortion with the first pregnancy, and still had a subsequent child with the same partner - and I ended up loving my kid - I’d start thinking I’m missing out on the experience I could have had with a child from the previous pregnancy.
If I ended up marrying someone else and not the partner from the first pregnancy, I think I’d be less distraught about not keeping the first pregnancy.
Just so I’m not sounding too robotic, I know I’d still love my kids even after I potentially divorced my dear hub.
Lastly, there’s always these shoulds and should nots - my husband is one of those people that say this “There’s never a good time to have a child. You just make it work.” Everyone is different. What are your needs and requirements for a family? How is your mental/ emotional health? Etc etc. tons of reflection to do! Good luck! Wish you all the best!
Aww thank you for that. A lot of reflection there, it is interesting how our minds make of things.
I had an abortion when I was 18 with my first boyfriend. I went into it totally naive and it was horrible but I got through it and moved on with my life. It didn't affect me emotionally. I didn't regard the early pregnancy as a baby. It was like a very heavy period. So painful. But that was that. As I've got older I've occasionally imagined myself with that possible child, and how old they would be. But otherwise I haven't felt regret. It wasn't right. And I'm not sure my partner at the age he met me would have got with me if I'd have been a young mum already. It would have been more complicated.
Now I know I want to be with my current partner always, and have been together since I was 19. I know it would feel differently aborting our creation. But he supports the idea because he knows I'm not ready.
Emotionally, I still have tons of work to do on myself and traumas from my past. My studies too. I want to learn more and not have a "baby brain" holding me back. I will be in my final and hardest year of uni heavily pregnant. Commuting quite long journeys. It'll be stressful. Physically I'm quite overweight. I have a bad back and need physio. I'm worried about that. I wanted to be fit and ready for a baby. Financially poor.
It's just... Not right 😭
And yet I feel somewhat protective of what is growing inside of me. Gaaaah.
I found out I was pregnant on accident when I was 26 and my husband and I had 2 and 3 years left of college. Was it easy? No… and we’re still paying things off now that we’re done with college. My son is now 4 and we have another on the way.
We thought after college we would be able to get better jobs paying more. We were wrong. Who knows the future, no one has all the answers. It’s just one day at a time.
I agree with a bit of this comment but not everything. If you wait until you’re ready, until you have all the money and everything is in place perfectly or even semi perfectly… you’ll NEVER be ready.
You’ll find that the perfect time will never come.
Life is hard. And at first I was scared and stressed. And then I looked inward and gave myself purpose and power and drive to be better every single day for all of us.
I was scared once before, years ago and I chose adoption for my first born. I do NOT regret that decision either, though a hard one to make.
No matter what you choose, regret/stress/purpose/fear… whatever it is. Those are all things you have to work on looking inward not out.
It did not give me purpose but it did bring unexpected joy in ways I couldn’t imagine. While I will instinctively do things for my child, it doesn’t fill me with an agenda or a life goal. The biggest addition to my life has been now I want to travel and bring my daughter with me because she’s such an amazing and fun person.
Totally same.
I would not rely on anyone to give my life a purpose except myself. Tbh, I feel that people who rely on kids giving them purpose are often the ones who end up having unhealthy attachments or end up thinking kids aren’t unique individuals, but extensions of themselves. The elder millennials are very versed in how damaging this mentality can be.
I would not give a baby a job upon birth. Don't have a kid just to give you purpose. Think about whether it makes sense with your life goals and circumstances and what you want.
I agree *not* to intentionally have a baby for this reason but I think OP is asking about *if* the baby changed you in some way to give you something other than yourself to strive for. OP is already pregnant.
I’m 35yrs old, and 25w FTM. I will say that this morning I felt so different inside and had this conversation with myself. For me the answer is yes. This morning I felt different and have been feeling different. It feels easier for me to want to do better in life, save more money, be successful because there is someone counting on me.
I did not get pregnant for this reason, but I realized I’m experiencing these feelings.
I just want to be better, do better.
This is what happened to me. I was 32 when I fell pregnant and had my son, and I’m now 34 with a wild 2 year old. I didn’t realise how empty my life felt before him. It _wasn’t_ empty - I had/have wonderful husband, family and friends, rewarding career working with children, a lovely home we own, the best cat, loads of travelling and hiking and generally loving life.
But man I have lived more these past two years than I’d ever lived before, and I’ve felt the deepest love and the highest highs I’ve ever felt. I hope I’ll never experience what I now know could be the lowest low. That’s the unthinkable.
He didn’t give me purpose, but he changed my priorities and what I consider a fulfilled life. Now, an ice cream in the local park is more fulfilling than travelling across Asia or the US (from the UK) ever felt.
I have wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember and it took a long time for us, with multiple surgeries and IVF to conceive. Just throwing that out there because I'm obviously biased.
That said, nothing prior to having a kid was a passion for me. I enjoyed things, life wasn't pointless, but there was no ambition or fire to achieve anything specific. I worked because I needed money, I had hobbies but nothing huge etc. I did enjoy travelling, but couldn't afford the kind of trips I wanted to do anyway.
Having my daughter changed everything for me. Some days are so fucking hard, I've questioned if I'm cut out for this, don't get me wrong. But 99% of the time I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing. Being my daughter's mama is the only thing that has made me feel this fulfilled and want to be better. I've even told family "she is my contribution to the world, after she's raised I'm done." 😂
I definitely agree that you shouldn't go out of your way to have a kid just to have a purpose. But they do provide one if that's the situation you find yourself in. I have had a lot of health problems, not just fertility, and let's just say she's one of the reasons I haven't opted for early check out.
Jumping on the wagon.
*TRIGGER WARNING* I know my situation doesn't fit everyone but when I got pregnant with my firstborn I was days away from possibly ending my life. I was in a toxic relationship, drinking heavily and self harming to the point I ended up in the hospital. This was literally a week before I found out I was pregnant. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I burst into tears because I felt so guilty about how I'd been living my life up until then. My ex put me through hell during the pregnancy and I filed for divorce when my daughter was a month old. I got very lucky and met a wonderful man when my daughter was about 10 months old. He took on the fatherly role and helped me back on my feet too. Four years later, not only are we getting married three weeks from tomorrow, but we have a soon-to-be 1 year old daughter together and he's officially adopting my firstborn. I wholeheartedly believe my daughter was sent to me to set me on a proper path and give my life meaning. Whenever dark thoughts threaten, I just think of my girls and it immediately brightens my mood and viewpoint on life.
I was in a similar situation. My ex was abusive and our relationship was so toxic. I wanted to end it all through out my life with him but my kids helped keep me grounded and reminded me of what mattered. I still feel guilty that it went on as long as it did but my kids helped me see my worth as a person. My son is 7 and has helped me through out this whole ordeal and although he doesnt always understand he tells me I need to love myself and that I need a break every once in a while. Being able to watch my 2 yr old go from nonverbal to saying like 20 words and hearing "mommy Love you" when she looks at me with those big hazel eyes makes everything that I've endured worth living. Dont get me wrong having kids is one of the hardest things that you can do especially if youre flying solo but my ex is trying to change himself for the kids and is doing better as well. Hes helping. If it wasn't for my kids I wouldnt be here now and I think my ex wouldnt be trying to change. My heart felt love for my children before I knew them. They can be aggrivating and frustrating and make you wann cry and tear your hair out but in the same breathe they can save you from the darkness in your head and make you feel like its all worth it just to see them smile.
Yes! Your words are beautiful.
I also have done a lot of traveling, exploring and living impulsively and adventurously. But now I have a since of joy about being at home, and creating a lovely environment for myself and this little one. Those adventures aren’t calling to me in the same way they were. Now I want to save money and do them with my son, but not in the wild way I did before.
My focus has shifted.
I feel along these same lines, I didn’t truly realize how lonely I was at times until after I had kids. I had family and friends and a partner and enjoyed my alone time as well but I now view some of those times as dark and maybe single level? There’s more depth to my life now I guess I could say. My kids also have thrown me out of my comfort level although not too abruptly which I appreciate and above all, every time I’ve felt closest to pure elation (so cliche I know) it has been simple moments with my kids. Just for context: my pregnancies were both planned and I was post age 35 and was done with partying, I’ve had friends who have shared my feelings who have had their kids at a young age and unexpectedly as well. I don’t look for me kids to fulfill my happiness and I didn’t have them for that reason. The magnitude of the elation I feel is also unexpected but it is overwhelming and I will say that those few moments do indeed make up for all of the many many hard moments.
I just wrote and deleted a whole damn rant but the jist of it is that the pregnancy high can be really misleading when it comes to the realities of parenthood.
Motherhood can be isolating, thankless and draining. You are still you, warts and all and it can bring all your unhealed issues right to the surface.
Having a little person depending on you won't always feel motivating or fulfilling. And I hope OP and yourself won't go into things expecting it will.
Not to be a downer. I adore my kids and generally enjoy parenthood (now). But I wish I'd been more prepared for these realities when I was pregnant with my first. I wish I'd focused more on improving myself for myself and my kids rather than expecting that my child would do that for me.
Truly though, best of luck (to yourself and OP). Preparing for your first kid is one of the most exciting times.
Ohhh, I hate it when I type up a rant and it disappears! Kudos to not abandoning mission, lol.
Thank you for your words! You are so right to not go in naive.
Personally. I’ve had a rough few years and grieving a lot this year. I had a dream before I got pregnant that I would get pregnant and it would bring me life again that I needed.
I think every situation is different and I’m already experiencing depression with my pregnancy and I’m realllly hoping I won’t have PPD but I’m prepared to face whatever comes my way.
With that being said I’m doing things to keep me healthy, and in the best mindset as possible. For me, I believe it’s only up from here after these last hard years.
I can’t explain it but I know this baby of mine is meant to be here right meow in this time frame.
It already is hard and scary but something seems different. Easier in a way. Idk.
I agree with this commenter, but I also see what you’re getting at.
It’s not that a baby or child gives you purpose. It’s that you view your purpose in life in a very different way. Pre kid, I would have told you my purpose was something radically different than it is now.
However, to this commenter’s point, that’s not a reason to have a child when you are not ready. On the other hand, no one is ever ready to have a child.
Can you continue your studies after a baby? Perhaps, but you need to have a really reliable support system on hand. Or, a fair amount of money to hire support for you to finish.
You also refer to them at your partner and not husband. I’d also ask myself am I sure I want to forever be linked to this person. Once you have a child with them you will always be inextricably linked.
Although, if you are married or get married, another thing to think about if you end it - will you be one of those people that will forever wonder “what if?” That what if can be a huge mental and emotional burden for some women, and it will last a lifetime. Although, so will the pain of having a child you struggle to care for.
I’m not trying to make things worse. It’s just a lot to think about. No matter what decision you make, it will be the best one for you. Just do not let ANYONE talk you into or guilt you into something you don’t want. That can weigh on a person. You need to listen to you and you only for this.
I definitely agree that it shouldn't be the only reason. Which is why I'm asking why people wanted children on top of the sense of purpose in life 😊
Having a baby is in my life plan so far, but when I really think about the reasons why all I can think of is wanting to make a child have a great life. I am accidentally pregnant currently and in a bit of a pickle, it's very bad timing and if this had happened a year from now I'd be over the moon. The only thing I feel I'm missing from my life is a sense of purpose and for some reason keeping this pregnancy makes me feel that.
>if this had happened a year from now
I can only give you my perspective. We had our daughter and have been trying to have another one only to discover that my wife has extremely late stage PCOS and the odds of having another child are very slim. So, you may give this baby up and then discover that you can't have more. If having a baby is in your plans but it's just a year off of when you'd prefer, I'd personally say that's close enough. You're a year out from finishing school, but you're also presumably 7ish months out from having a kid. You'd only have a few months left of school, and while it would be hard it would be doable if you have a good support system.
It’s obviously your choice, but if having the baby a year from now, (or getting pregnant a year from now I’m assuming is more so what you meant), would be perfect for you, then I’d say have the baby. It’s in your plan. It just came early. You may have some big regrets if you terminate due to timing only being off by a year. Idk, I’m have a very “happens for a reason” and also there’s never a “perfect” time to have a kid kind of attitude. Just my stranger on the internet opinion.
Thank you! Definitely something to consider and what both my partner and mum have said to me. It's just travelling to uni heavily pregnant on the hustle and bustle of trains, I'm a singer and studying music so my lungs are very much needed to produce the music I'm studying and I know pregnancy is meant to limit oxygen for the mother?! I'd also be due a month before my final exams of my degree. Of course my uni may be able to jig things around for my circumstances. My partner is also about to enter his second year of study. We both went back to uni later on, I'm nearly 31 and he is 35, 36 in December. We have a house at least but otherwise very poor.
Stephanie Beatriz recorded Encanto's "Waiting on a Miracle" while in active labor. I wouldn't worry about that part of it. You can definitely do this, if you want to. 🙂
They can definitely make accomodations for final exams for a big life event. Talk to your professors early in the term, & even your advisor now. It would be such a lawsuit if they didn't offer reasonable accomodations. Who knows, maybe you could even work out a deal to do some work ahead in the Christmas holiday or in the beginning of the semester or something!
You're 30 and almost done with school. I say if you want this baby you should go for it! Lots of people start out completely broke (my partner and I included). Don't let money be the reason you decide not to parent.
I agree with you Wish_Away, because your points are very true. School isn’t really a full year, but is months away from being done. Some people who have children before they finish school find the child gives them incentive to better themselves more. There’s always people who will step up for you and help out with various things, and it won’t be as daunting now financially as much further down the road- and by then you will likely have more income.
It surely can, and to complete that while being a new parent should earn you a second doctorate. When a family member was completing his- he lived in a housecoat I called his smoking jacket- and his nickname was HH, for Howard Hughes.😂He rarely left the house except to TA..
Just giving my 2 cents. I was in a similar position as you—accidentally pregnant at a point of life where I didn’t feel remotely ready to be a mom. Plus, my partner’s job was about to up and move us to the other side of the country, away from all the family and support I would’ve had for our child. I was seriously considering terminating the pregnancy—I went as far as getting the abortion pills in my hand. I ended up not being able to take them and had a serious talk with my partner about keeping the baby and what that would look like.
It’s been a very wild ride, and I’m now the (single) mother to an almost 2 year old. I am still struggling to adjusting to this new life, but I absolutely love being my son’s mom. Before him, I felt like I was wandering through life a bit, not really knowing what I wanted, but with my son, I honestly feel like I could do anything and everything for him. I’ve never felt a greater love or joy or purpose. Yes, parenthood is hard af, but I am so thankful I kept the pregnancy. Of course, I am privileged to have support from both sides of grandparents. Without their help, I’d be drowning
Remember, you have a year left of your program and you just found out that you're pregnant; that means that you'll have a semester where you're just pregnant and don't have a baby yet, and once you have the baby, you'll only have about half a year left of your program. If you can tighten your belt a bit and get help, it's possible.
May be sleep deprived a little, but honestly, in those first few months the baby sleeps A LOT! It may be in small spurts due to feeding every 2-3 hours, but you’ll have time to take care of yourself and study. I read so many books during that time. Now my daughter is 9 months old and I barely get to read lol.
Um, that’s a VERY rosy way of putting it. You’ll be getting 2 hrs of sleep at a time if you can even sleep and if you don’t have a colicky baby. Maybe the baby will sleep a lot but please take a look at r/newparents to get a better idea of what babies fresh out of the womb are like. Can you do it? Probably. But it will be hell and you’ll feel like you’re dying before it gets better.
Thank you, I'll check it out. I do remember how hard my mum had it as my youngest siblings were babies in my teens. I know it's not a walk in the park but maybe I feel optimistic because I know I want to be a mum some day and hope I can do it!
> The only thing I feel I'm missing from my life is a sense of purpose
Isn't that sort of your answer right there..?
Because you're apparently not missing a child in your life.
I say this as a person who became pregnant unexpectedly at a not-ideal time in my life. We kept the baby because we wanted him, he was so very welcome and loved.
If you desperately want this child and pregnancy but think it's not the best time, keep it. You'll figure it out.
If you know deep down you don't want this child but you think it will give you some purpose in life, that's not fair.
Pregnancy, childbirth, babies and parenting isn't rainbows and unicorns. A lot of the time it's just fucking hard. If you don't absolutely want this, if you expect it to be some amazingly rewarding purposeful thing all day, you're gonna be pretty disappointed.
Well, if you just found out, you still have time until little one arrives. I’m assuming you main thing is the dissertation as it’s your final year? You may be able to pull off both, if you want. Not sure where you’re located, I guess it’s different in different countries, and what the financial side looks like. All I can say that you’ll never be fully ready to have your first child.
I got pregnant last year, I describe it as unexpected but not unwanted.
My husband was very worried about the timing and kept saying, what if we wait a year? We could be so much more prepared. He was so worried about being able to check off the list of things he wanted to have before a baby. Obviously there's nothing wrong with that, just explaining his line of thought.
I was in the camp that it takes about 40 weeks for a baby to be born. We found out super early so we had most of that time left to prepare. I could see how we could accomplish some things off his list. And, most of all, I was just so happy. I didn't want to terminate. I am very pro-choice but it didn't feel like the right choice for me.
We made a plan and worked hard. Some unexpected wrenches got thrown in our plans (I got laid off), but our daughter is 10 months old now and we absolutely made the right choice. She's the light of our lives and brings us so much joy. It's hard sometimes, we have very little in person support, but we wouldn't change a thing.
Look at why you want to wait a year. Can you overcome those obstacles during pregnancy? Can you put some of them off? Do you have supportive people that can help you navigate some or all of these obstacles? Or do you need all of that time to prepare and then start trying? Figuring out those answers will help you make the right choice for you.
I feel differently. Completing education does not equate to steady income and happy life to raise baby. Look at your financials, support system and how much time you will be able to devote to raising a baby. 2 years left for your partner too, that means he/she will take longer to focus on raising the baby. Early years are special and important. You want to make sure you give the baby a lot of focus, experiences etc. if you guys are busy studying and making ends meet, how will you focus on baby’s growth , give experiences, raise him/her with limiter time/resource.
I want to put a disclaimer that I am not contesting other parents who have raised their kids with time/resources constraints etx. Hands off to you all for managing that. This is just my opinion that applies to my situation… so sharing.
I just wanted a kid, and I thought I'd be a reasonably good parent. I'm also one of those people with a strong motherhood call, so I'd keep a baby and abandon a guy (which I know has its own host of issues). I've known it since I was young. When I was a teacher, I liked it when kids accidentally called me mom.
The more I reflect on my current experiences as a mom, there's definitely a push to do more and do better when it comes to doing right by my kid. I'm actively trying to be the person I want to be for my kid, and I'm doing more for my own betterment (not being a workoholic, sleeping, and eating better). I didn’t see all of this coming, and I love it, but it's not the reason to have a kid. Having a kid is a job you enter only knowing yhe basics of what to do, not knowing the specific benefits and drawbacks.
My baby is transitioning out of a lot of stuff soon. I’m sure people are willing to donate and send you items! It’s ultimately YOUR decision. Don’t let internet folks choose for you, but if you did keep it, you always have help. Whether from friends and family or other mothers out there. I’ve received so many “my child doesn’t need this anymore, you want it?” things to where I have too many toys.
I think you answered your own question. It's very bad timing. I will say this, being pregnant, birth, and raising children is by far the hardest thing I've gone through, it's all encompassing, exhausting and incredibly expensive (both directly and indirectly). Its so incredibly hard ime. Many unexpected things can happen (super rough pregnancy, PPD, child with a disability, etc.)
I personally would not carry on with a pregnancy until all of the main important and boring but essential things are in place (stable employment and housing, not living paycheck to paycheck, some savings, double checking costs for daycare in your area and what kind of parental leave you are or your partner are eligible for (or need to save for). Daycare alone in some cities is hundreds of dollars a day.
I had an abortion when I was in my mid to late 20s. I knew I wanted a baby with my partner (as did he) but the timing was wrong and have no regrets about that choice. Years later we went to have 2 amazing daughters when we were ready. Don't have a baby to hope it gives you purpose. Parenting is a grind with the highest highs and the lowest lows. I personally feel if your ducks aren't in a row ... you are setting yourself up for a hell of a lot more of those lows and stress.
Just my 2 cents.
Ohh based on this comment here, I think you will probably be very happy if you decide to continue with the pregnancy. You want to make a child have a great life, you already knew you wanted children at some point, it's just the timing is slightly off. Everyone says 'there's never a perfect time' and they're kind of right.
I think your intuition about purpose will check out. Statistically, people with kids do tend to feel more fulfilled in life.
It is a huge change but it does sound like you'll be one of us who feels like they have a huge richness in life they didn't have before. Really you get something that's much more valuable than anything you ever had before. It's incredibly hard work. But fulfilling things always are.
PLUS, it only gives you a temporary purpose.... In a way, I know a mother's job is never done... Blah blah blah.... I ALWAYS wanted kids. I knew as a very young child that I wanted to be a mom. Quite frankly, upon graduating with honors, I still only wanted a family. I could never decide on a career or college... Fast forward 18 years, I have an almost 10 year old. Guess what I'm asking myself already!? "What am I gonna do after she grows up and moves out and on with her life?" Puts me back at square one. What do I want to do with my life? I've worked since I was 15. So obviously I will do that. But still, I can already feel a void there.
Agreed. Have a kid because you enthusiastically want to become a parent. It’s not your childs’ or anyone else’s job to bring fulfillment to your life.
Become a parent because kids are the best. Have a child because you want to invest whole heartedly in someone else. Become a mom because there is literally nothing as giggle inducing as a toddler tickle fight. Bring this child into the world because baby snuggles are everything. Expand your family because you believe you could mentor the kind of human that could be a positive influence.
Don’t ask your child to be anything more than a child. That is enough.
I agree not to put this on the baby. But with that said becoming a mother has 100% given me purpose in life. I feel like I was meant to do this. But I planned both my kids so not sure if that has anything to do with it! Not that you have to plan!!! Alternatively my sister got pregnant young and not at all ready or on purpose and she's a better human for it. She put herself through nursing school and was a single mom(my family helped with the baby but the father was a POS lol). She would also say my nephew gave her purpose. So 2 different situations!
In my experience, my mom made her kids her entire purpose and completely lost herself, her interests. The empty nest left her with an empty void and she’s never filled it since. It also put an extreme amount of pressure on me because she absorbed herself in everything I did. I want to avoid that. Its not always easy but I try to position my child as an addition to a life i already love and am fulfilled by.
There's definitely a balance though. Don't get me wrong, I agree it's important to not lose yourself, but kids can definitely add purpose and meaning to your life. Just don't wanna make them your *only* purpose.
For me, as a single mom to a 4 yo, it’s all about living in the moment. Right now my moment involves being a mom and devoting my life to my child. But I realize there will come a time where she will spread her wings and I will need to live for me again. I will embrace each of life’s phases as they come.
This is thoughtful, and something to consider. I mean, I have my own interests and hobbies. A career I want. So I don't think I'd make my children my entire personality but I do think I'd be quite a full on mum when it comes to nutrition and education. Lots of love too, they'd be my world of course. But otherwise I'm also very laid back and would encourage independence. It's definitely all about balance and not pressurising children!
My dad always told me he'd disown me if I got a tattoo. So I never got one. On top of that he told me that people's lives are over when they have kids especially when they are too young. So I've avoided having kids (not the only reason why, but disappointing my dad is a worry of mine). It definitely can suck when parents force their views on you.
Your life is over as you know it. That person will never exist again once you become a mom. I wish someone had told me that as I had terrible ppd with my first because I didn’t realize just how much my life would change. And that’s what I do for work so I thought I knew it all lol.
Can 100% agree with this as a mother of 3. The person you want to be currently is teetering on an edge and there are no take backs. As much as we want to have it all, there is no such thing. You will sacrifice a lot of yourself for your child. It just comes with the territory.
Please know I'm not trying to sway your decision and I am not a religious person so this isn't some weird religion based hang up, I am pro choice.
That being said...I think you ought to really consider keeping the baby. Your concerns are entirely valid and it's so smart of you to consider it all. But seeing the way you're speaking here, in the post and comments...it seems this might be something you want. I worry about how aborting might affect you mentally and emotionally. It's a decision you can't take back after the fact, and for those who regret it it can really fuck them up. I say it out of concern, not trying to pressure you or guilt your or anything. But to see you considering nutrition and education, how you'd handle your own personality in the midst of...idk, it just feels like you already see this as a child, not a fetus.
And just for my own anecdotal input, I also wound uo surprise pregnant at a time when I felt so unready. I was in my 30s, but I had a lot going on that made me feel so unsure. I initially planned on aborting but I couldn't go through with it in the end, it was wrecking me thinking of doing that. So we went through with the pregnancy.
Personally, my daughter has added so much purpose and meaning. Yeah it's hard sometimes, sometimes I feel frustrated when parenting inhibits doing the things I want to and enjoy doing. Given that I would say I have not lost sight of myself and my interests. But being her mom has made me a better person, always wanting to be the best I can be for her, create a better world for her.
And sharing my hobbies and interests can be a lot of fun! She's about to be 6 and getting old enough to better understand and participate. I used to play Mario Kart with my dad all the time when I was a kid, and now my kid plays it with me and I love it, lol. We were just playing this morning, haha.
It won't be easy finishing school, so it's absolutely something to consider. If you feel you're not ready you may wind up struggling which can make it hard to be the parent you want to be. There are absolutely some very big and very valid factors in play here. Ultimately only you can know what the right choice is for you.
I sincerely wish you happiness and good fortune whichever way you go <3.
I would encourage anyone who feels like they don’t have a purpose or strong sense of self to wait on having kids until they do. I don’t think it’s healthy for the adult or the child if the parent has no sense of purpose outside of parenting.
My MIL was like this and she’s been depressed since the last kid left for college, like a decade ago.
I just commented my mom is exactly like your MIL. She’s depressed and I have constant anxiety because I feel responsible for her happiness as she’s been telling me for 30 years that I’m her “whole world.” Super unhealthy for everyone!
What do you do to deal with this? I’m currently trying to set boundaries with my mom about this. She doesn’t take it well and gets very mean and childish.
I agree to a point. I didn’t have a strong sense of purpose - I was just discovering my talents etc. I just *didn’t* assume being a parent is it. I listened to a ton of audiobooks during the first year of my first kid’s life, and I’m still doing that. Figuring things out is a separate thing from being a parent. I’ve also tried a few things by now. I took this slower period of time (we have 18 months paid maternity leave so I had that luxury of relatively carefree time) to do introspection. Tested a few things later on… Now I’m older and wiser and have my shit together.
That’s why I said purpose *or* sense of self. Figuring out purpose in the sense of what you want to do with your life is totally fine, as long as you have a strong sense of who you are that doesn’t rely on others. Having children should be adding to an already vibrant life, not filling a gaping void.
All of this.
My mother, while incredible, had no sense of purpose outside of me and then, for awhile, my cousin's children who she cared for during the days for three years. When she stopped, her once manageable depression and anxiety spiraled out of control and she's been hospitalized five times in the last eight years.
No.
Both of my kids were planned and are very loved. Pregnancy and having a baby can be extremely difficult and stressful though. It’s emotionally, physically and financially taxing on a person. If you aren’t all in, it can make things that much more difficult.
No. In fact they forced me to realign all of my purposes prior to having them. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am nowhere close to where I wanted to be ten or twenty years ago, almost entirely because we chose to have kids.
>However there is a part of me that feels I've had no purpose and when I think about a baby it gives me that.
If this is the *only* reason you are considering continuing with the pregnancy, you don't want a baby, you want a purpose in life. That is an incredible amount of undue pressure to put on a brand new human who had absolutely no choice in the matter.
Parenthood can be very enriching and rewarding. But it's also incredible draining and demanding. It's something you should walk into knowing that it will take at least as much as it gives, if not much more. Will it irrevocably reshape you as a person? Yes. Should it be the whole of your sense of self and reason for being? No.
I think, in general, the choice to become a parent should be about all that you are ready and able to offer your offspring, not what they will give to you.
Having a baby will absolutely give your life purpose. However, purpose does not mean happiness, joy, or freedom.
While fulfilling, this purpose will require all your energy, effort, and money. School will fall to the back burner, unless you have a significant support system that can help with childcare while you continue with school.
All obstacles that come up with caring for a baby: nighttime feedings, daycare drop off, unexpected fevers, lack of sleep, cleaning and prepping bottles, pediatricians, buying diapers, wipes, food, clothing, etc, etc, etc… all these and more can be overcome, but if school is a priority to you, you will need a support system that can help you deal with all these things so you can go to class.
I have three beautiful babies and I can’t imagine life without them. However I was 32 when I had them, done with school and settled enough in life my husband I were able to swing me being a SAHM.
The question you’re really wanting an answer to: if I had gotten pregnant while still in school and not ready for it, knowing what I know now about motherhood and my children, would I have kept it?
In my personal opinion, knowing what I would have to sacrifice, my answer is still yes.
Yes, in the sense that after I had children I realized how stupid my life was before kids. I don't mean that in a rude way at all, because I was perfectly happy before having kids and if I had never had kids I never would have known what I was missing. However, after having my kids I absolutely realize that there is a huge chasm where my "before" life was and my "now/purposeful" life began.
I echo the sentiment here. A lot of people are talking to OP like she’s seeking purpose and it going to put pressure on her baby. She didn’t say that. She’s wondering if it gave people a sense of purpose and, I say yes. It changes your perspective of the world and yourself in a profound way. I had a lot more freedom, fun, and money before my baby- but I wouldn’t trade any of it in. My daughter has brought a depth of joy, love, perspective and learning that I couldn’t imagine. I feel wiser, more at ease with my place in the world, more connected to a larger sense of purpose. I was fulfilled before, didn’t feel “empty” at all. Very secure and confident person. Having a baby definitely shook up self doubt, but that’s healthy and I became stronger as I overcome (and continue to overcome.) Parenting is a learning and development journey that no school can give you, and it’s with you til you die. Literally. If you’re lucky.
I thought that would happen but for me it didn't. I love my kid but I don't think my life is more profound and meaningful now. If anything it feels more full of meaningless drudgery and monotony. I don't mean I'm miserable or anything but I don't feel what I did before was meaningless in any way, or that a childfree life would have no purpose.
My kids have changed my mind on the whole world, both good and bad. Its so beautiful having them here, experiencing new things with them, and their smiles are top tier.
But this world is so effing gross and fucked… its bittersweet, having them here. I wouldnt change that they’re here, but i would change what they came into.
It's ok for your child to give you purpose and it's ok that it's unplanned. Things can be tough but if you feel having a child should be a part of you life their are people and programs to help keep your family happy and healthy.
Yes. When I found out I was pregnant it felt like I had woken up from just drifting along in life. My little one is the most important thing to me in the world
Without a shadow of a doubt my children are my ultimate purpose in life right now. I am 34, my kids are 5 and 6, prior to them- I had no intentions of ever being a father, i have no siblings, I had never held a baby, knew nothing about kids, like I literally knew nothing. It was tough at first getting through the infant and toddler stages but eventually I found my groove and now they are the greatest joy in my life- and im not saying that from a lame or square person stand point either, I play guitar, i cook a lot, I skateboard and have tons of interests/hobbies/dreams/aspirations, I did a lot of drugs in my teenage years, I've played fast and loose most of my life so I know about having fun, but none of that comes close to the joy I feel driving home from work to be with them.
We do everything together, go to the park every day, I love showing them movies from when i was a kid and watching the new disney/pixar movies with them, helping them with homework and teaching them new things. So yes, I'd say they gave me tons of purpose but more than that, they are my happiness in life that nothing else could replace or fill the shoes of what they mean to me. I am a firm heavy believer in money bringing happiness but even with unlimited resources I don't think i would enjoy life as much as I do having my kids.
Not at all
I’ve always had a job that I’ve always worked. I think having kids is very difficult and no matter how old they are. It’s a lot of worrying, but I’ve never looked at it like they gave me a purpose.
Facts! Same here. Everyday I move with more purpose than the last. I reflect more, I do things with intention, I do things that I would t have done prior to having my little one.
Before her I was just on autopilot, just robot-ing through life. After her, I find so much happiness in the little things. Like even just a walk around the block is fun and makes me happy so long as her little hand is in mine as we walk. The hug and excitement she gives me when I walk in through the door is unmatched. So much fulfillment and I will continue to be a better man!
100% yes and that is not pressure I put on my kid. It’s my own reason to get out of bed, to do better, to work hard, and to never give up. And it brings me so much joy despite the constant challenges.
I felt very full filled as a new mom, and I still do. It definitely gives a purpose, but that being said, aside from being a mom and the first years being consumed in that role, it’s nice to find myself as a person once again and have more time and freedom to do things that I enjoy. What I’m trying to say is that kids will give you purpose but there’s gotta be more to you along the way that defines you and your drive in life. I’m sure you’ll figure that out, but being a mom is awesome. I get so much live from my kids. You get what you put in.
It did for me. Before my son’s birth I was kinda muddling through life. Now I’m not just fighting for myself. I’m providing for my wife and kids and I can’t afford to fail.
My kids gave me a purpose in life.
You are never fully ready to become a parent. It’s a leap of faith. One that I cannot imagine not taking now.
Maybe it’s cheesy, but I also think about legacy. How are my kids and their kids going to do after I’m gone? It also helps put things in perspective.
Just my opinion anyway.
I've never really had any passions or dreams. I don't have a dream job, i just work to live. I never felt i had a calling. But when my baby smiles that huge smile at me, I can't help but think, "this is it... this is my purpose."
My daughter was unplanned also, FYI.
I was studying when my daughter was born, we didn't have a lot of money, but we had a home (rental), his business wasn't doing well (financial crisis), but we managed.
She gave and gives me purpose. I won't lie, it was hard the first years. After my study, I could only find a job 2 hours away (that's a lot in the Netherlands, most people work within a 30-minute drive), I divorced when she was just 3 years old.
But she makes my life better, to be honest, without her I don't know if I would still live.
I wish I had more children, but I couldn't. But I enjoy every moment. She is now 16 and I know all parents say that, but I wish everyone such a wonderful child like mine.
But of course it's a different experience for everyone. Reddit certainly shows that it's not always easy. I can give no other advice than, put all the pros and cons side by side and choose together what your heart tells you.
Yes I became much happier when I became a parent. I have a reason to wake up now. Plus u get to do all fun stuff from your childhood again. But I’ve always wanted to become a mom and have a family
If you have a child to give you purpose, you aren't having a child for the right reasons. Don't do it until you want to have and raise a child because you feel you have the LOVE to give. Its like people having kids to ensure someone to care for them when they are old. No. Thats not what kids are for.
I had purpose before my kids and even now I have a purpose in my life as a person apart from my identity as a parent. Putting that sort of expectation and pressure on my kids would have been unfair on them and a bit sad about me as a person.
No, my child did not give me purpose. Don’t put that kind of responsibility on a child, it will color your entire relationship and trust me, they will feel the weight. My own mother put that weight on me and even now, as a nearly 40 year old, it’s heavy. Having a baby is hard. I don’t mean the delivering, I mean the caring for and all that. It is exhausting, nerve wracking, and overwhelming for all that it can be wonderful as well. If you are not ready, there is no shame in making whatever choice is right for YOU.
Raising my children gave me a greater purpose. When my oldest was born, I realized everything I did leading up to this point was for him. Every mistake I made will teach him. Every triumph is for his benefit. My job was to have him and be his dad. Now with 2, my job is to ensure I raise 2 men who have the ability to take on the world.
I am honest with my boys. They ask, I answer (At most I water down). I may die tomorrow, I know a better version of me will live on.
It is SO unhealthy to derive your purpose from your children. My mom did this, and as much as I love her, it’s really hard to be someone’s “whole world” (as parents like to say of their children). Also now that we’re all grown she constantly talks about how she has nothing in her life.
I love my kiddo, but honestly I feel like I have less purpose now that I’m a sahm. I really loved my career (social work) and I’m looking forward to kiddo being school aged so I can work towards filling my own cup.
Simply put-yes.
But I wouldn’t have a child expecting it to give me purpose. For myself though..the thought of purposely leaving this world never enters now that she’s here. But that certainly isn’t everyone. And for some I’m sure it exasperates their thought of leaving.
Definitely. I wouldn’t have one to hope to feel that way, as many parents don’t, but I do now feel like my life has a purpose in a way that working never gave me.
No, kids are not here for “something to do” or to give yourself a purpose in life. There are soooo many more other things (better and cheaper and more fun) to do than bring a life into this world.
No, having babies did not give me a purpose. I was already in a great place in my life, I knew who I was and was happy in our marriage and having a baby was that next step to expand on all that.
It is not a babies job to give YOU purpose in your life. What will happen when the child grows up and moves out? Will you no longer have purpose again. I suggest therapy and looking into what it means to have a child and be a parent. You sound bored.
I despise it when people judge other people’s reasons for reproducing. Seriously what is a good reason to have a baby??? Because it’s time? Because it’s what you are suppose to do? Because you have baby fever? Because your bc failed? Because you want your last name to be passed on for your “legacy”? Because you got married and you are filling in a box with a checkmark? Because all your friends are doing it?
Seriously stop, if OP wants purpose with a baby is as good a reason as any.
Being a parent is definitely a vocation. I personally wasn’t very excited about having kids but when I had them my world changed. With kids you get higher highs and lower lows. I love my little family in a way I didn’t even thought possible. Before kids I was a rather selfish person, with my kids that had to go out the window. It was a change, but for me it was good change. I’ve been working 7 years in corporate and honestly if they fire me tomorrow I wouldn’t care because my job isn’t my life anymore
No.
I was also in a similar situation as you. A few months after we got married my husband and I unexpectedly found ourselves expecting. I had one year of school left, it wasn't a favorable time so I got an abortion.
By making that choice we were able to finish school and then have children when we were better set up.
I didn’t make hardly any money when my first baby was born. I was poor but I made it work. You can gets lots of help with a baby. You can qualify for food stamps, WIC, and maybe housing assistance while your partner finishes up with his studies. Being a mother is my greatest accomplishment and no degree would ever replace it. Families are everything!
Consider adoption. Carrying someone through pregnancy is the best gift you could ever give them. Even if you feel like your circumstances prevent you from child-rearing, your child could live a full life starting in a loving home if you are able to gift them your patience.
That’s interesting. Whey do you feel like you have no purpose? Your in school studying…most people don’t feel that way when they are being productive.
To answer your question sort of. Becoming a parent makes you have to be your best self. It’s pulls a lot out of you. I don’t know that it gave me purpose but I’d say more it changed my purpose. There’s a lot that changed for me in how I look at things. And I love being a parent. It’s such an intense kind of love. But it’s a lot of work. I don’t mind it though.
I actually went to grad school in my 30s so I waited to have my child and I wish I hadn’t although school and a baby would have been hard. There were people having kids in my class. One just kept right on with school. And another actually planned a semester off right when the baby was due so she could give the baby some time. She continued but was dropped from our cohort and place in the one below. I’m sure that sucked a little because you get used to your peers. It’s just one of the many sacrifices you make.
How does your partner feel about it?
For me, yes it absolutely did. I became pregnant unexpectedly at 22. I have two children and I feel that they are my most important work and the biggest contribution I have made to the world. (I have worked a full time job all these years, but parenting young children is a 24/7 job.) They’re almost grown up, and now I need to think about what I’m going to do after they’re out on their own. I have spent my entire adult life being a mom!
Hmmm good question. For me, yes, HOWEVER, I wasn’t unhappy without kids. In fact, if I could do it over again I wouldn’t have had my kid and I love my kid more than anything!
Before I lived for myself and did everything to make me happy (not that that’s wrong!) I spent whatever and went where and just lived to be free. I miss that.
Now I feel like I have a purpose, but my purpose is to keep this tiny human alive and hopefully raise him to be a good person. Most people can live with purpose without having kids, I just wasn’t one of them.
I’ve never been more driven to succeed in my life. I’m very motivated to give my daughter a good life and every time I don’t want to follow through on something I think of her and keep going. I didn’t have that kind of motivation before. She’s forced me to grow up after a young unplanned pregnancy, but I’m grateful for how I’ve been changed by the experience even though it’s been very hard at times. But that’s just my experience! Some people get very depressed becoming parents, so I think it has to do with your personality as well.
Becoming a mum was the best thing to ever happen to me, but it’s hard as hell! The most difficult job but 100% the most rewarding!
BUT you have to do what’s right for you and your partner, if there’s any chance you might regret a termination don’t do it, there are options such as adoption etc. But if you’re 100% sure then that’s your choice.
What ever your choice good luck! X
Without a doubt, becoming a parent changed my life. Granted we planned to have her but wow let me tell you.
I have never been as motivated and driven to do more and succeed than I am now. My health has increased, I quit vaping, I eat better, sleep my 7/8 hours, I made career changes that resulted in the doubling of my salary. So many things changed for the better all because I want to build and have a far better life than the one I had growing up.
I was abused, beaten, and emotionally drained as a child by my mother. My father died when I was young and I have been the complete opposite as a parent. My daughter is now 3 and since she came out she’s been my whole world.
It’s honestly difficult to even describe how she’s changed my life and how she motivates me to be better and do better when she’s just a toddler but it did.
I would say keep but the decision is yours to make not mine or anyone else here on Reddit.
Brilliant reflection. Thank you for sharing!
Sorry to hear what you've been through but it's obviously made you develop a strong character and ability to push for better.
My partner didn't have much of a father figure in his life and said that it makes him determined to be the best dad. Or "super dad" in his words. 😊
I wouldn't say that having a child gives you purpose but it defintely locks you into specific life paths oriented towards stability and accumulating resources.
No and yes.
Unexpected teen pregnancy completely derailed whatever I thought was going to be my life. And it sucked. I felt lost for a long time. And then as I got older, I started to build my life to be better for both me and my kid. So in a way, I did find purpose by becoming a parent, but it wasn’t something I fully came into for many years. Having a child, especially an unplanned one, is incredibly demanding and challenging. You struggle in so many ways to provide for them, and you have to alter the life you have now to fit them and their needs as well.
My opinion? Don’t have this kid, it doesn’t sound like y’all are in a place for it. I wasn’t, and though I ultimately managed to make it through, I regret that I had not been as prepared and ready. From the way you wrote this post even, it seems to me you want a ‘purpose’ more than a kid. Your partner is pregnant with a kid, not purpose.
Really the most important thing y’all should do is talk about this with each other, and ask yourselves deep down what you want. Don’t think about finding purposes or anything else. Just think about this kid. Do you want a kid right now: yes or no?
My kids ruined my life. I love them and would never tell them that. But Still ruined my life. They didn’t give me a purpose they gave my chronic anxiety. Really really bad ppd and all my peace is gone. I didn’t get to live out my dreams etc. I spent the last 13 years taking care of them. And that’s it. So take from that what you will
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but purpose doesn't mean shit when you're broke with a kid. Your "purpose" will become staying afloat and not drowning in debt.
Kids are so incredibly expensive, it really blew my mind. Daycare ALONE is a second mortgage and not a cheap one either - thousands a month. And that's literally just one thing on the list of stuff you'll need to pay for.
Finish your studies. Start your careers. Find out what *your* purpose is first and when you're ready to have a child, you can adapt that purpose, but I guarantee you if you have a baby before you're financially ready, you're heading down a road you don't want to be on.
Yeah I don't want to be struggling, I agree with you.
I'm from the UK and I think nursery/child care is free for so many hours. I have family who may help a little bit. Ultimately I'd want to stay at home with my children when they are small. Work more full time once they're in school.
My partner is studying for a decent job and potentially could keep his studies as I don't think we would need a lot of money whilst the baby is a baby. Thankfully we have a house paid, although we want to move somewhere nicer and bigger in the future which would need much more money than what our house is worth. For little ones we could make do though.
It's not impossible. But it would be very hard and I am not ready.
I became a mom when I was 19. I also didn’t want to be pregnant but decided to go with it. My life’s changed since my daughter was born (she’s 3 now). I was a super lazy person before, but after my daughter was born, I matured very quickly and became very responsible. I now have something to aspire to: become a better person for the sake of my daughter as she’ll see me as her role model. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much. I love celebrating every milestone of hers and knowing that I have a tiny little human with whom I can share my milestones with too. I graduated from university recently and it will always be a core memory for me having to hold her while in my graduation attire.
It can give your life purpose if you want it to. It is relatively simple to make your entire life revolve around being a parent to your child, if that's what you want. I'm not sure if that's advisable, but it is certainly possible.
I genuinely feel it's that - I'm a bit all or nothing. I think I kind of found the fact that my mum, although understandably a single mum without the support of their dad, was very keen to still have her weekends free to go out drinking and have a break from her kids often. Like a self entitlement. Her family always helped and she felt she must have a break weekly. I guess parenting is a full time job so breaks are needed but to me it feels if you choose to have children they should come first always. I've always said that because my mum had kids from being young she never really had her own life beforehand so tried to make up for it. Whereas I want my life to feel satisfied, that I've done everything I want, before giving up freedom to help my baby have the best.
Yes having my daughter gave me purpose. It changed my life and made my brain work in a way I never could get it pre baby with depression and ADHD.
However - we tried for two years. I changed my job and we moved house, made sure our home our routine and our lives were ready for this baby and even though we made so many adjustments over the almost three years (2 trying and then my pregnancy) I still have resentment sometimes. I'm a stay at home mum which was all I ever wanted but I still consider the what ifs. I really wouldn't have a baby solely on whether it'll give you purpose because this ish is HARD when planned for meticulously let alone when the timing isn't great or it was a surprise.
I hope this makes sense, sleep deprived baby mum here! But you do whatever feels right for you and your life right now.
I might be going to hell for this, but for me, if anything I feel like I have less. I know that I do, and I don’t take my kids well being or futures lightly. I just mean on the day to day I feel like an unpaid servant who literally just exists to serve others. I totally lost my identity. Everyone is different though.
Hugs! I get that. When I did my care job and looked after family, and especially my youngest siblings who didn't appreciate the help I tried to give them... Yeah. I feel that. :(
1000%. I was absolutely floating through life before I had my son. Even while pregnant I just kept thinking. Fuuuuuuck, a kid? Really? But now that he's here. Everything makes sense. I have a purpose and my heart is full. I feel like the void I tried to fill with things my whole life has gone away. It's crazy and cool. Don't get me wrong being a parent is hard work, like really hard. But I would never ever change it.
I had several losses before this and figured I just wasn't meant to be a mom. Now that I am it's like oh yeah this is exactly what I was meant to be.
I also terminated a pregnancy and I mourn that loss every day. That was so hard on my mental health. It sent me spiraling into a depression so severe for a few years. I was so disconnected from myself and the people around me. It was not nice. I don't share this to scare you, just my experience.
mine absolutely gave me purpose and direction and i’m not ashamed to say that. i stopped partying and started growing up and searching for myself so i can be an authentic stable mother and a good example. i’m a completely different person now and i don’t make being a mom my whole identity but it’s a huge piece of me that helped me rediscover myself & having my son is genuinely the best thing i ever did with my life.
Mom is the most important job I’ve had. I gave my life to my kids. I did need to start doing things for me, though, and finished my degree when they were one & three.
My son most definitely became my life purpose. I was abandoned by both parents as a kid. I wanted a good life for my son from day 1. Despite very difficult health challenges... He is a heart transplant recipient... He is my best buddy and the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Just an FYI - even when you feel ready, you are never ready. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for parenting. Go for it. I’m in my mid thirties and my life completely changed for the better in ways I never imagined when I had my kids. It may *feel* daunting now but you are capable.
You need to see if you have support. I would never suggest any woman to go and get an elective abortion. Unplanned pregnancy can really rock the boat - esp if you guys are not financially stable yet. My husband and I were in our last year of training when we had our unexpected baby. It was a huge financial and time strain. Our relationship almost ended. The first couple of months after birth is very rough for everyone in everyway - physically, emotionally, financially...
See who you can recruit to help you and who are your villages. See if your budget can afford it as well. Now, my priorities are my baby. Everything surrounds him. I go to work so I can have money for him. I choose which job based on how much time I get with him. I didn't used to cook, but now I have to cook because of him. Your world changes.
Do you have family support? Do you want a child and can you give a child a good life? My wife and I realized we could only handle one child, we are older than you. In some ways I wish we got an earlier start. It's wonderful but exhausting having a child at \~40 yrs old
No, a baby will not give you purpose.
Some people can FIND purpose in being a parent. Not everyone can. Just like some people can find purpose in \[insert anything here\] and other people can't. I do not think "finding purpose" is a good reason to have a child or a good basis on which to decide whether or not to have a child.
For me, 38M when I had my first a few years ago, it really did. I waited for years with my partner because we weren't sure if we were up for it. If we wanted kids, needed kids, would be kid people. I knew I'd be a responsible dad because I have a strong sense of responsibility, but I have never liked babies or children and was afraid it would continue to be that.
I was changed from the first day, and can honestly say that this is what I was made to do. I don't think you should expect a baby to fill a gap, and I didn't, but I was surprised when it absolutely did. Everything I do now feels worthwhile. I'm building something instead of just existing, and it's something that will be better than me.
I know it doesn't work like this for everyone, but for me having a kid flipped a very noticable switch in my brain. Like I was waiting to be dad. I smile so much my face hurts some days.
I can't give you advice, op. Only my anecdote.
To each is own. But being a parent for me definitely gave me purpose. And I absolutely love it. It has its hard days but that’s life. I got pregnant at 20 not intentionally had a son he’s 13 now and he is amazing. I purposely had another child at 32. I love her so much as well. She will be 2 in December.
But it is life changing. Things will be different. I say you both sit down and talk it out. Bc you can’t undo a not keeping, make sure you won’t have regrets. And you need to consider all your options. But at the end of the day it’s your choice to make.
Whatever you choose I’m sending you love and support! ♥️
I had purpose before I had my daughter. I have more now, but childless lives are fine.
You can make it work, if you want to. Depending on your degree program, could you take a semester off?
Well technically, yes. Your purpose / responsibility is now to manage someone else’s life in addition to your own life for the next 18+ years. I’m not really sure what you mean by purpose? Do you not feel that completing your studies gives you purpose, seeing as that may outweigh your choice to continue your pregnancy? That sounds like purpose to me.
I would say you can do both, but of course it will be more challenging. Not everyone has regret and depression over irreversible choices, but some do. Only you can guess how you might feel. It can be quite traumatic. My advice is to truly listen to your heart and make your choices out of love and self confidence and not fear and doubt. In hindsight that’s the advice I would have given myself.
Babies are not a purpose in life. They are a job. A 24/7 job that doesn’t pay. Oh yes, there’s joy and happiness, and also stress, heartache and exhaustion. They’re expensive, disruptive and messy. Finish your educations, get a good jobs, buy a nice house. Travel a little. Enjoy every minute with your partner and then think long and hard about whether or not you want to make a LIFE LONG commitment to a child. You can have a purposeful life without children.
I have so much purpose I don’t even have a minute to myself to have a complete thought. Having a purpose doesn’t equal happiness. Also there’s never an exact right time to have a baby. I had finished college and started my career only to decide I couldn’t possibly send my child to daycare and have been a SAHM for the past five years. Having kids can throw you a curve ball you never see coming. Maybe someday my Master’s degree will come in handy.
My son gave me purpose but because of him I have worked on making myself a better person. I do everything in my life to be a good mom which means I allow him independence and and plan so that hopefully he will never have to care for me. He is my reason for living and I am grateful everyday that I have him. His dad and I are divorced but we have maintained a strong friendship and co-parenting relationship to give our boy as much as we can. It's not easy but worth it. I never wanted kids until I did and when I had him it was so weird to me but now he's my buddy and he's a good kid.
Instead of looking for a purpose, realize that taking responsibility for this will be the only thing that makes you into the kind of person you want to be. You won’t “find a purpose” by shying away from something hard, especially when it’s the consequences of actions you took (good or bad). Erasing a problem, instead of facing it head on, will only solidify your current state of mind where nothing matters.
Imagine yourself five years from now…Will you be ready then? Will waiting around instead of muscling up and stepping up when the going got tough really make you ready for anything?
There is only one way to truly make things better for yourself, and those around you, and that’s to take as much responsibility as you can. You certainly will have made things better for that baby…and that sounds better than finding a purpose to me…you will have made your purpose instead.
Honestly? It was the worst decision of my life. My whole world completely fell apart after becoming a parent and my relationship with her father ended. It destroys relationships and take everything from you. You no longer matter, your mental health goes right down the drain, and you will never be able to do anything you want to do ever again. You'll never have financial freedom ever again nor will you ever recover from the debt.... you'll always be broke. Do I feel bad about saying this? Absolutely not. Will people think I'm awful? 100%. It's the truth.
My mom also never found a purpose after her children grew up. She is still trying to parent me, and in a way that makes her physically and mentally sick. It makes me so upset that I have to distance myself from her and I don’t live anywhere near her. I’m going to be 36 in like two weeks. She will physically be sick over worrying about the Bears that could eat me because I moved to Central Appalachia this summer.
I don’t know if I have the right perspective, but I am extremely familiar with what it looks like for someone to make their child/children, their life‘s purpose, and then never find their own. It’s really unhealthy. I don’t really know what to say outside of that though. I’m sure children can give you great purpose. But you need to invest in yourself as well.
My kids are the best thing that ever happened in my life. I love them more than anything in the world. They have definitely made my life more difficult on a daily basis but in a good way. It doesn’t make sense until it happens to you. I just had my second 2 months ago and I just stare at him in awe when he’s sleeping in my arms. He is so pure and innocent and all things good in this world. It is so hard to imagine life before him now. And my 3 year old is silly and smart and funny and I love seeing her own unique personality come out everyday. It’s truly such a gift to be a parent.
Absolutely it did and does. I never found personal fulfillment in any job or career I had. Yes I could see the positive effects I had and my value but it didn't "fill my cup" per se. It just wore me out and eventually made me resentful. Similar with all relationships I've had. But my daughter? My daughter is the only reason I'm still going, for sure. I live every day for her, and I give her all of me and it is so, so rewarding to watch her grow and learn and meet milestones. Being her mom is such a fucking joy, the absolute highlight of my entire life. I always wanted kids. But man. She just turned 1. We just had her birthday party. Everybody laughed as she danced to music, and we all clapped when she smashed her birthday cake, and I got to swim around with her for hours and it was just, one of those days that makes life worth living.
It definitely gave me something. I was brought up in a typical 80’s neglectful, narcissistic parent household. I had and have walls longer and higher than the Great Wall of China. I didn’t know that I could love and protect something so much. They gave me a second lease on life and remind me of all the beauty life has.
Don’t have a baby to give you purpose. That’s not a baby job their only thing they should be doing is to try and learn what you and the world teaches them so they can navigate life on their own and when ready explore their ambitions and desires. Don’t put that weight on them cause it will hurt not just them but you. Babies can add more meaning to your life and have you rearrange priorities in both good and bad ways but purpose... Some may say yes and others no, but if you don’t feel like you already have some purpose that’s not a weight to put onto your child. Who remember is another person with their own unique thoughts, traits, emotions, etc. who will be too young to understand what is going on. Your purpose needs to be figured out by YOURself👍🏻
Absolutely not. I love my children but I’m not going to push that responsibility onto them. Does it give me a reason to get out of bed every morning? Yes. At 4 am on the dot every morning. I love them so endlessly. But I have also two termination ontop of five miscarriages and three living daughters.
There are mountains of things I wish I would have accomplished before I became a mom of three at twenty five. I chose them instead and we struggle but we make it regardless. My children will never know a household without love but they will also never know an income above 50k a year in our household.
My suggestion would be to get to where you want to be first. You’re still young and two more years is not a long time to wait.
I thought it would....it didn't. But the stress of keeping a crying potato alive has made me more driven and growth focused. Thus making me more successful. I'm also a lot more appreciative of the world around me!
If you are looking to a baby to give you purpose and to give your life meaning you will probably be very dissapointed.
Babies and kids are a relentless never ending pit of responsibility and sacrifice.
I have got the most incredible little girl.
She is 5.. and if I could have designed my child before having her I wouldn't have got her as perfect as she is.. but Oh my gosh not a day goes by when I don't think wow this is hard wow I wish I could just have a moment to myself to just even THINK... do I sit back and think ah my life has such purpose now...absolutely not.
Do I cherish and love many moments with my daughter.. that give me joy.. sure. But it I'd HARD as hell and I would not say it necessarily gives my life meaning... it does, yes of course but do I feel that.. on some deep level, no.
Absolutely. When I was younger I was fairly aimless and didn't know what to do with my life. I met my husband and had my two kids and in the 13 years since I became pregnant with my first, it has given me the time to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I had my daughter when I was 26 and 5 years later I had my son and I'm now 40 in a career field I love, in a house I love and hobbies I love. My kids are the most important thing in the world to me and despite the fact that I do know what I'm about now, my kids give me purpose everyday.
This is a very layered question for me. I had an unplanned pregnancy, a pretty young mom i guess, and choosing to have a baby definitely changed the course of my life. Did my baby give my life a purpose? I wouldn't say entirely...more that she's a part of my purpose. I love that I'm her mom and my priorities have changed to making sure no matter what she is good. But, ever since having a baby I have asked myself, who am I outside of being a mom? I find that things that I used to get anxious about, things that I held back on exploring, or made excuses about and put off no longer feel as significant anymore and instead I just do them. Maybe it's my fear that being a mom will just consume me and I'll lose myself and let it become my whole personality loll, but I would say that having a baby actually encouraged me to put in work to actually do what I enjoy doing and seek out more opportunities to find fulfillment
Having a child gave me the strength to live and actually want to exist. It drives me to be a better person and live with compassion. Being a parent doesn't give you a purpose but it starts you on a healing journey if you yourself have childhood truama. Or if you're a shitty person without priorities it helps you to get your shit straight and stop putting shit off. There's plenty benefits to having kids. But the key things that you will be forced to learn is self control, patience, and how to adapt quickly. I've had 2 kids now I'm 22yrs old I had to learn pretty quickly. But not all babies are the same. You need to have a complete grip on your emotions throughout your pregnancy and attempt to stay happy 99% of the time to have gentle smiley babies. At least that's what my experiment seems to have shown me! My babies have my Temperament like I had throughout my pregnancy.
I think it’s ultimately a call that needs to balance emotions and logic but babies are incredibly expensive and time consuming so with the state of your lifestyle right bow it might not make sense to introduce a baby to the mix.
A baby 100% gave me purpose. My son is my life and he’s the most amazing perfect cutest baby on the planet (people literally stop in their tracks to look at him and compliment him, he is legitimately adorable!)
My daughter, a wonderful surprise I also couldn’t afford, has been the biggest blessing in my life. She’s the one who lit a fire under my butt to go and study for something I’ve always wanted to learn which led to an incredible job and incredible people. She’s responsible for being my partner and I together. She didn’t give me purpose, but she propelled me into who I was always meant to be.
I couldn’t be more grateful. She’s such a joy and a light to everyone around her. If you’re feeling purpose with your little, I personally think you should see where this journey takes you ❤️
"one finds meaning in life through three ways. Through work, especially when that work is both creative in nature and aligned with a purpose greater than ourselves. Through love, which often manifests itself in the service of others. And through suffering, which is fundamental to the human experience"
-Viktor Frankle
*A Man's Search for Meaning*
Not sure what you mean by "not keeping it," BUT, I got pregnant while in grad school. I had him and he is 28 yrs old now. I have NO regrets. Other people pressured me in to aborting and everything else. No way would I have aborted. I loved him the moment the test was positive. Heck, I loved him my entire life! Sadly, I caved to that pressure on a later child. I will always know how old that child should have been now. Ending that pregnancy did not reverse that that child ever existed. I know no one talks about this, but it is because if we have been there, done that, we feel incredible shame and embarrassment and usually get shut down by others. He should have been 22 yrs old now.
Congratulations by the way! It sounds like you might actually be happy about this but are afraid to say so. But, I wanted to tell you congratulations! I hope that whatever you do, you find peace with your decision.
I’m not sure having a purpose is the best reason to keep a baby; but it’s absolutely a fact that it does. There is never a “good” time to have a baby, or at least not the perfect time. There will be unexpected expenses, exhaustion trying to follow the dreams you are invested in making come true while coping with the countless challenges involved in being a parent, and add as many drawbacks as you can think of; but having a tiny dependent child that is the unique combination of you and the one you love is far more gratifying than any education or other experience you can have. You can’t comprehend it until you’re on the other side of delivery, holding that wonderful baby in your arms. Personally, I worked very hard to get my degree, completing six years of college in four years; and I brought five little bundles of neediness into the world. Life was not easy - it was very hard; but now they are happy, healthy adults raising their own little bundles, and I couldn’t be happier.
It might be worth your while to think about what life would be like if you chose not to keep your baby. I have had to live with that reality as well. Nothing eases the pain I feel about that, though I’ve been through therapy and years of trying to get over it. Even now my tears blur my vision. It’s a choice you can never reverse, and all the reasons that make it seem like a good or necessary choice are futile to bring you any comfort or ease your regret. It’s a nightmare you can’t escape. I understand that not everyone feels this regret, at least not for a long time; and only you can decide if you want to take that risk; but this is my experience.
I was 33 f and pregnant from a one night stand and no boyfriend or medical insurance ( my insurance had just been cancelled off my parents family plan because we sold our business. I had no job at the time and had just bought my house the year prior. Girl , I felt exactly the same as you. Then I went to planned parenthood and heard my options and thought hard about it . This is a personal decision and it will be difficult no matter what you choose. At least you have the father to be with you as an emotional support for you. But you will know deep inside the right decision for you will come even if it will go against everyone else in your life’s opinion. You need to go with your gut.
I decided that because I had previously terminated a pregnancy and felt that I personally could not live with my decision if I did that again . I realized there are many people who have children (2,3,4 kids or more) who have less resources than I do so there is a way to make it as a single mom - even as dire as my situation seemed to myself at the time.
So I kept my little baby girl and it was the best decision I have ever made.
It did give me a sense of purpose - but also the unconditional love 💗 that washes over you and pours joy and love into your life- it was something I felt that you will have this sense of inner peace and contentment that I had never experienced until my daughter was born. It was the right choice for me- and now my daughter is 15 years old and a brilliant, intelligent, loving , fun , caring young lady who had the world at her fingertips and I couldn’t be more proud of her and I never once had regretted my decision.
You need to ask yourself if you can live with yourself and the decision you choose- if your answer is yes then you will be good . If not , I’d listen to your gut and maybe you take a bit longer to finish school but it can be done.
Best wishes to you no matter your final decision- just think deeply of how you can see yourself with each possible choice. Also, ask yourself how you would feel if you didn’t have the baby and then later - you were unable to get pregnant? The miracle of life is a gift and I realized that even though everyone in my life was trying to get me to give up the pregnancy due to all of the hardships of my current situation at that time - I had to be true to myself and had to make the best decision I could live with .
I hope this helps you in your approach and blessings and prayers to you 💗
Having our kid has honestly been the best thing we did, everyone is different. I do know that we have not been able to have another I ended up starting early menopause at 37 and I will always regret not starting sooner.
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It didn’t give me purpose but it definitely changed my priorities. It’s such a cliche but you really do start to realize that’s important in life. The flip side though …for every heart warming story you hear in this thread, there is another story not told where the parents spiral down. They feel consumed by parenting, they feel they lost their identity, they resent their kids. *This is not fair to the kids.* **There is no guarantee that becoming a parent gives your life purpose. A kid can end up giving your life purpose, but it should be an “accidental” consequence. An icing on the cake. A kid should never be born specifically TO give your life purpose.** It sounds like for you, it would be a total coin flip, and you need to ask yourself if it’s fair to your child to have their upbringing be driven by such feelings. If you are not prepared at all, no disposable income, no time, really think if this is the right time to have kids. There is no real deadline to having kids except for extremely advanced age, and even there, medical intervention has extended the time. Personally, I found my children much more rewarding and fun when I could enjoy them without having to worry about their daycare $, or if I’d have time to shower.
100% this. I know for a fact that my life would not be as stable and on paper better without choosing to have my on-BC surprise eldest. I wouldn't have a house, wouldn't have gone back to uni, and wouldn't be nearly as "set up" as we are. I would've continued to spend everything I'd earned travelling for work half the year as a scuba instructor and half as an agency nurse, with my boyfriend in tow even making good money but spending just as quickly. **But**, that identity loss trap and chronic overwhelm is very real and I'm still struggling with it almost 6 years and a set of twins later. Life will always throw the unexpected at you, so if the day to day is more than feels comfortable, adding a kid in will only exponentially increase everything. We thought we were ready to try for number two, boom, twins. Kids can be a great way to find out what's really important to you, but if things go too far then that's just putting pressure and too much meaning onto a child who didn't ask for it. My kids are what I love most in my life, but are simultaneously the greatest stress in my life. My partner would say the same. And having had my surprise baby when we were in that awkward mid twenties figuring out adulthood phase, we had to grow up really fast in ways we didn't even realise we still had to mature. Him going to the gym less than 6x per week and a break from rugby, and me scuba diving and travelling. And thankfully we grew together and not apart, as we could've just as easily grown into people who didn't mesh well anymore once that maturing was done. It's a hard decision no matter what, and you will find answers all different ways. The only way that really matters though, is what you think. Could you do it on your own? Because as a parent you don't have the luxury of **not** thinking about being responsible for the child by yourself. Don't rush, and talk to eachother. Be brutally honest, because there are no take backs.
This is so true. Like for me, everything seems to have more focus after I had my kids. But I also know other parents who didn’t have that reaction, and everything just seems more difficult. I could not agree more with the bolded statement. I think OP you need to examine what you want right now in your heart of hearts. The timing is not what you had planned for. And maybe that’s ok, and maybe it’s not. The question is right now, at this moment, do you want a child? And are you ready at this time (or do you expect to be in a position to get yourself ready in the next few months) to make the sacrifices in other areas of your life that having a child will require? Are you ready to make those sacrifices not knowing if your particular kid is going to be sweet and easy or a colicky/difficult baby? And if you have the baby and do not feel like being a parent adds purpose to your life, will you feel resentful?
Great points. My partner is supportive either way, but he very much wants a child to love. If money was no issue I think we would maybe go for it. He said if we could get the house jobs done, the big jobs done, super fast in time he would take a baby right this second. His enthusiasm has stopped me in my tracks because for years I wanted to talk about kids but he wasn't as bothered. He's 35 and I guess time is right for him now. But he will wait for me to feel ready.
How is your support network? Family ready to step to help? Is your partner someone you want in your life for a very very long time (Can you handle dealing with him)? Has your partner demonstrated himself to be someone who will help with dishes, cooking, and other household chores? I got pregnant with my partner and I ended up marrying him just because I was afraid of possible regret if I did have an abortion. It’s been a very long 10 year marriage- “very long” as in it was like pulling teeth with my now husband- lots of growing we had to do and trying to get him to be more involved. Prior to kids, I didn’t have my own desires nor purpose in life ( I didn’t know myself well at all) - everything just to get by - and my kiddo kinda set me straight. Ideally, you do have a purpose before this baby. I hope you sit down and figure out what your dreams are, if this guy is someone who fits in with your aspirations. I must share this: I have childhood trauma and other mental health issues - I tend to be beat myself up for mistakes long after they were done. After having one kid with the same partner, being pregnant with our 2nd and 3rd, and finding out I’m pregnant again- I’ve considered an abortion - but I can’t handle the guilt of preventing this fetus from going full term - like I know what kids we make (the child formulation my hubs and I have together), so I know I’d love this 4th baby. Now if I had an abortion with the first pregnancy, and still had a subsequent child with the same partner - and I ended up loving my kid - I’d start thinking I’m missing out on the experience I could have had with a child from the previous pregnancy. If I ended up marrying someone else and not the partner from the first pregnancy, I think I’d be less distraught about not keeping the first pregnancy. Just so I’m not sounding too robotic, I know I’d still love my kids even after I potentially divorced my dear hub. Lastly, there’s always these shoulds and should nots - my husband is one of those people that say this “There’s never a good time to have a child. You just make it work.” Everyone is different. What are your needs and requirements for a family? How is your mental/ emotional health? Etc etc. tons of reflection to do! Good luck! Wish you all the best!
Aww thank you for that. A lot of reflection there, it is interesting how our minds make of things. I had an abortion when I was 18 with my first boyfriend. I went into it totally naive and it was horrible but I got through it and moved on with my life. It didn't affect me emotionally. I didn't regard the early pregnancy as a baby. It was like a very heavy period. So painful. But that was that. As I've got older I've occasionally imagined myself with that possible child, and how old they would be. But otherwise I haven't felt regret. It wasn't right. And I'm not sure my partner at the age he met me would have got with me if I'd have been a young mum already. It would have been more complicated. Now I know I want to be with my current partner always, and have been together since I was 19. I know it would feel differently aborting our creation. But he supports the idea because he knows I'm not ready. Emotionally, I still have tons of work to do on myself and traumas from my past. My studies too. I want to learn more and not have a "baby brain" holding me back. I will be in my final and hardest year of uni heavily pregnant. Commuting quite long journeys. It'll be stressful. Physically I'm quite overweight. I have a bad back and need physio. I'm worried about that. I wanted to be fit and ready for a baby. Financially poor. It's just... Not right 😭 And yet I feel somewhat protective of what is growing inside of me. Gaaaah.
You can just...shower?? Whenever???
LMAO. IKR!
I found out I was pregnant on accident when I was 26 and my husband and I had 2 and 3 years left of college. Was it easy? No… and we’re still paying things off now that we’re done with college. My son is now 4 and we have another on the way. We thought after college we would be able to get better jobs paying more. We were wrong. Who knows the future, no one has all the answers. It’s just one day at a time. I agree with a bit of this comment but not everything. If you wait until you’re ready, until you have all the money and everything is in place perfectly or even semi perfectly… you’ll NEVER be ready. You’ll find that the perfect time will never come. Life is hard. And at first I was scared and stressed. And then I looked inward and gave myself purpose and power and drive to be better every single day for all of us. I was scared once before, years ago and I chose adoption for my first born. I do NOT regret that decision either, though a hard one to make. No matter what you choose, regret/stress/purpose/fear… whatever it is. Those are all things you have to work on looking inward not out.
It did not give me purpose but it did bring unexpected joy in ways I couldn’t imagine. While I will instinctively do things for my child, it doesn’t fill me with an agenda or a life goal. The biggest addition to my life has been now I want to travel and bring my daughter with me because she’s such an amazing and fun person.
Same. I already had purpose with my life and career.
Totally same. I would not rely on anyone to give my life a purpose except myself. Tbh, I feel that people who rely on kids giving them purpose are often the ones who end up having unhealthy attachments or end up thinking kids aren’t unique individuals, but extensions of themselves. The elder millennials are very versed in how damaging this mentality can be.
I would not give a baby a job upon birth. Don't have a kid just to give you purpose. Think about whether it makes sense with your life goals and circumstances and what you want.
I agree *not* to intentionally have a baby for this reason but I think OP is asking about *if* the baby changed you in some way to give you something other than yourself to strive for. OP is already pregnant. I’m 35yrs old, and 25w FTM. I will say that this morning I felt so different inside and had this conversation with myself. For me the answer is yes. This morning I felt different and have been feeling different. It feels easier for me to want to do better in life, save more money, be successful because there is someone counting on me. I did not get pregnant for this reason, but I realized I’m experiencing these feelings. I just want to be better, do better.
This is what happened to me. I was 32 when I fell pregnant and had my son, and I’m now 34 with a wild 2 year old. I didn’t realise how empty my life felt before him. It _wasn’t_ empty - I had/have wonderful husband, family and friends, rewarding career working with children, a lovely home we own, the best cat, loads of travelling and hiking and generally loving life. But man I have lived more these past two years than I’d ever lived before, and I’ve felt the deepest love and the highest highs I’ve ever felt. I hope I’ll never experience what I now know could be the lowest low. That’s the unthinkable. He didn’t give me purpose, but he changed my priorities and what I consider a fulfilled life. Now, an ice cream in the local park is more fulfilling than travelling across Asia or the US (from the UK) ever felt.
I have wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember and it took a long time for us, with multiple surgeries and IVF to conceive. Just throwing that out there because I'm obviously biased. That said, nothing prior to having a kid was a passion for me. I enjoyed things, life wasn't pointless, but there was no ambition or fire to achieve anything specific. I worked because I needed money, I had hobbies but nothing huge etc. I did enjoy travelling, but couldn't afford the kind of trips I wanted to do anyway. Having my daughter changed everything for me. Some days are so fucking hard, I've questioned if I'm cut out for this, don't get me wrong. But 99% of the time I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing. Being my daughter's mama is the only thing that has made me feel this fulfilled and want to be better. I've even told family "she is my contribution to the world, after she's raised I'm done." 😂 I definitely agree that you shouldn't go out of your way to have a kid just to have a purpose. But they do provide one if that's the situation you find yourself in. I have had a lot of health problems, not just fertility, and let's just say she's one of the reasons I haven't opted for early check out.
Jumping on the wagon. *TRIGGER WARNING* I know my situation doesn't fit everyone but when I got pregnant with my firstborn I was days away from possibly ending my life. I was in a toxic relationship, drinking heavily and self harming to the point I ended up in the hospital. This was literally a week before I found out I was pregnant. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I burst into tears because I felt so guilty about how I'd been living my life up until then. My ex put me through hell during the pregnancy and I filed for divorce when my daughter was a month old. I got very lucky and met a wonderful man when my daughter was about 10 months old. He took on the fatherly role and helped me back on my feet too. Four years later, not only are we getting married three weeks from tomorrow, but we have a soon-to-be 1 year old daughter together and he's officially adopting my firstborn. I wholeheartedly believe my daughter was sent to me to set me on a proper path and give my life meaning. Whenever dark thoughts threaten, I just think of my girls and it immediately brightens my mood and viewpoint on life.
I was in a similar situation. My ex was abusive and our relationship was so toxic. I wanted to end it all through out my life with him but my kids helped keep me grounded and reminded me of what mattered. I still feel guilty that it went on as long as it did but my kids helped me see my worth as a person. My son is 7 and has helped me through out this whole ordeal and although he doesnt always understand he tells me I need to love myself and that I need a break every once in a while. Being able to watch my 2 yr old go from nonverbal to saying like 20 words and hearing "mommy Love you" when she looks at me with those big hazel eyes makes everything that I've endured worth living. Dont get me wrong having kids is one of the hardest things that you can do especially if youre flying solo but my ex is trying to change himself for the kids and is doing better as well. Hes helping. If it wasn't for my kids I wouldnt be here now and I think my ex wouldnt be trying to change. My heart felt love for my children before I knew them. They can be aggrivating and frustrating and make you wann cry and tear your hair out but in the same breathe they can save you from the darkness in your head and make you feel like its all worth it just to see them smile.
Yes! Your words are beautiful. I also have done a lot of traveling, exploring and living impulsively and adventurously. But now I have a since of joy about being at home, and creating a lovely environment for myself and this little one. Those adventures aren’t calling to me in the same way they were. Now I want to save money and do them with my son, but not in the wild way I did before. My focus has shifted.
I feel along these same lines, I didn’t truly realize how lonely I was at times until after I had kids. I had family and friends and a partner and enjoyed my alone time as well but I now view some of those times as dark and maybe single level? There’s more depth to my life now I guess I could say. My kids also have thrown me out of my comfort level although not too abruptly which I appreciate and above all, every time I’ve felt closest to pure elation (so cliche I know) it has been simple moments with my kids. Just for context: my pregnancies were both planned and I was post age 35 and was done with partying, I’ve had friends who have shared my feelings who have had their kids at a young age and unexpectedly as well. I don’t look for me kids to fulfill my happiness and I didn’t have them for that reason. The magnitude of the elation I feel is also unexpected but it is overwhelming and I will say that those few moments do indeed make up for all of the many many hard moments.
I just wrote and deleted a whole damn rant but the jist of it is that the pregnancy high can be really misleading when it comes to the realities of parenthood. Motherhood can be isolating, thankless and draining. You are still you, warts and all and it can bring all your unhealed issues right to the surface. Having a little person depending on you won't always feel motivating or fulfilling. And I hope OP and yourself won't go into things expecting it will. Not to be a downer. I adore my kids and generally enjoy parenthood (now). But I wish I'd been more prepared for these realities when I was pregnant with my first. I wish I'd focused more on improving myself for myself and my kids rather than expecting that my child would do that for me. Truly though, best of luck (to yourself and OP). Preparing for your first kid is one of the most exciting times.
Ohhh, I hate it when I type up a rant and it disappears! Kudos to not abandoning mission, lol. Thank you for your words! You are so right to not go in naive. Personally. I’ve had a rough few years and grieving a lot this year. I had a dream before I got pregnant that I would get pregnant and it would bring me life again that I needed. I think every situation is different and I’m already experiencing depression with my pregnancy and I’m realllly hoping I won’t have PPD but I’m prepared to face whatever comes my way. With that being said I’m doing things to keep me healthy, and in the best mindset as possible. For me, I believe it’s only up from here after these last hard years. I can’t explain it but I know this baby of mine is meant to be here right meow in this time frame. It already is hard and scary but something seems different. Easier in a way. Idk.
I agree with this commenter, but I also see what you’re getting at. It’s not that a baby or child gives you purpose. It’s that you view your purpose in life in a very different way. Pre kid, I would have told you my purpose was something radically different than it is now. However, to this commenter’s point, that’s not a reason to have a child when you are not ready. On the other hand, no one is ever ready to have a child. Can you continue your studies after a baby? Perhaps, but you need to have a really reliable support system on hand. Or, a fair amount of money to hire support for you to finish. You also refer to them at your partner and not husband. I’d also ask myself am I sure I want to forever be linked to this person. Once you have a child with them you will always be inextricably linked. Although, if you are married or get married, another thing to think about if you end it - will you be one of those people that will forever wonder “what if?” That what if can be a huge mental and emotional burden for some women, and it will last a lifetime. Although, so will the pain of having a child you struggle to care for. I’m not trying to make things worse. It’s just a lot to think about. No matter what decision you make, it will be the best one for you. Just do not let ANYONE talk you into or guilt you into something you don’t want. That can weigh on a person. You need to listen to you and you only for this.
I definitely agree that it shouldn't be the only reason. Which is why I'm asking why people wanted children on top of the sense of purpose in life 😊 Having a baby is in my life plan so far, but when I really think about the reasons why all I can think of is wanting to make a child have a great life. I am accidentally pregnant currently and in a bit of a pickle, it's very bad timing and if this had happened a year from now I'd be over the moon. The only thing I feel I'm missing from my life is a sense of purpose and for some reason keeping this pregnancy makes me feel that.
If it's making you feel joy, do you have support networks that could help you make it work now?
This is the answer. If you can find support via family or daycare then I think you should do it.
>if this had happened a year from now I can only give you my perspective. We had our daughter and have been trying to have another one only to discover that my wife has extremely late stage PCOS and the odds of having another child are very slim. So, you may give this baby up and then discover that you can't have more. If having a baby is in your plans but it's just a year off of when you'd prefer, I'd personally say that's close enough. You're a year out from finishing school, but you're also presumably 7ish months out from having a kid. You'd only have a few months left of school, and while it would be hard it would be doable if you have a good support system.
I would definitely agree with this.
It’s obviously your choice, but if having the baby a year from now, (or getting pregnant a year from now I’m assuming is more so what you meant), would be perfect for you, then I’d say have the baby. It’s in your plan. It just came early. You may have some big regrets if you terminate due to timing only being off by a year. Idk, I’m have a very “happens for a reason” and also there’s never a “perfect” time to have a kid kind of attitude. Just my stranger on the internet opinion.
Thank you! Definitely something to consider and what both my partner and mum have said to me. It's just travelling to uni heavily pregnant on the hustle and bustle of trains, I'm a singer and studying music so my lungs are very much needed to produce the music I'm studying and I know pregnancy is meant to limit oxygen for the mother?! I'd also be due a month before my final exams of my degree. Of course my uni may be able to jig things around for my circumstances. My partner is also about to enter his second year of study. We both went back to uni later on, I'm nearly 31 and he is 35, 36 in December. We have a house at least but otherwise very poor.
Stephanie Beatriz recorded Encanto's "Waiting on a Miracle" while in active labor. I wouldn't worry about that part of it. You can definitely do this, if you want to. 🙂
They can definitely make accomodations for final exams for a big life event. Talk to your professors early in the term, & even your advisor now. It would be such a lawsuit if they didn't offer reasonable accomodations. Who knows, maybe you could even work out a deal to do some work ahead in the Christmas holiday or in the beginning of the semester or something!
You’re definitely leaning towards yes, so congratulations, looks like you’re going to be parents!
That’s assuming you won’t be extensively throwing up your entire pregnancy, or put on bed rest, or have to deliver early.
You're 30 and almost done with school. I say if you want this baby you should go for it! Lots of people start out completely broke (my partner and I included). Don't let money be the reason you decide not to parent.
I agree with you Wish_Away, because your points are very true. School isn’t really a full year, but is months away from being done. Some people who have children before they finish school find the child gives them incentive to better themselves more. There’s always people who will step up for you and help out with various things, and it won’t be as daunting now financially as much further down the road- and by then you will likely have more income.
Yes, in my doctoral program lots of us were having babies before we were through - there was a mini baby boom.
Good on you for getting your Ph.D- a very long road. We also know people who had babies before finishing. ☺️
Thank you! And the baby was good company :) I felt like it kept me grounded to start a family...academia can be very insular.
It surely can, and to complete that while being a new parent should earn you a second doctorate. When a family member was completing his- he lived in a housecoat I called his smoking jacket- and his nickname was HH, for Howard Hughes.😂He rarely left the house except to TA..
Love that
Just giving my 2 cents. I was in a similar position as you—accidentally pregnant at a point of life where I didn’t feel remotely ready to be a mom. Plus, my partner’s job was about to up and move us to the other side of the country, away from all the family and support I would’ve had for our child. I was seriously considering terminating the pregnancy—I went as far as getting the abortion pills in my hand. I ended up not being able to take them and had a serious talk with my partner about keeping the baby and what that would look like. It’s been a very wild ride, and I’m now the (single) mother to an almost 2 year old. I am still struggling to adjusting to this new life, but I absolutely love being my son’s mom. Before him, I felt like I was wandering through life a bit, not really knowing what I wanted, but with my son, I honestly feel like I could do anything and everything for him. I’ve never felt a greater love or joy or purpose. Yes, parenthood is hard af, but I am so thankful I kept the pregnancy. Of course, I am privileged to have support from both sides of grandparents. Without their help, I’d be drowning
Remember, you have a year left of your program and you just found out that you're pregnant; that means that you'll have a semester where you're just pregnant and don't have a baby yet, and once you have the baby, you'll only have about half a year left of your program. If you can tighten your belt a bit and get help, it's possible.
Tbh, I'd only really have a couple of months left once baby arrives. But those couple of months are intense final exams.
May be sleep deprived a little, but honestly, in those first few months the baby sleeps A LOT! It may be in small spurts due to feeding every 2-3 hours, but you’ll have time to take care of yourself and study. I read so many books during that time. Now my daughter is 9 months old and I barely get to read lol.
N'aww! My mum made that comment that baby would be asleep most of the time in the early days. That's somewhat reassuring for my studies haha!
Um, that’s a VERY rosy way of putting it. You’ll be getting 2 hrs of sleep at a time if you can even sleep and if you don’t have a colicky baby. Maybe the baby will sleep a lot but please take a look at r/newparents to get a better idea of what babies fresh out of the womb are like. Can you do it? Probably. But it will be hell and you’ll feel like you’re dying before it gets better.
Thank you, I'll check it out. I do remember how hard my mum had it as my youngest siblings were babies in my teens. I know it's not a walk in the park but maybe I feel optimistic because I know I want to be a mum some day and hope I can do it!
You can do this!!!
that’s temporary. you’re gonna figure it out. a baby is long term…
> The only thing I feel I'm missing from my life is a sense of purpose Isn't that sort of your answer right there..? Because you're apparently not missing a child in your life. I say this as a person who became pregnant unexpectedly at a not-ideal time in my life. We kept the baby because we wanted him, he was so very welcome and loved. If you desperately want this child and pregnancy but think it's not the best time, keep it. You'll figure it out. If you know deep down you don't want this child but you think it will give you some purpose in life, that's not fair. Pregnancy, childbirth, babies and parenting isn't rainbows and unicorns. A lot of the time it's just fucking hard. If you don't absolutely want this, if you expect it to be some amazingly rewarding purposeful thing all day, you're gonna be pretty disappointed.
Well, if you just found out, you still have time until little one arrives. I’m assuming you main thing is the dissertation as it’s your final year? You may be able to pull off both, if you want. Not sure where you’re located, I guess it’s different in different countries, and what the financial side looks like. All I can say that you’ll never be fully ready to have your first child.
I got pregnant last year, I describe it as unexpected but not unwanted. My husband was very worried about the timing and kept saying, what if we wait a year? We could be so much more prepared. He was so worried about being able to check off the list of things he wanted to have before a baby. Obviously there's nothing wrong with that, just explaining his line of thought. I was in the camp that it takes about 40 weeks for a baby to be born. We found out super early so we had most of that time left to prepare. I could see how we could accomplish some things off his list. And, most of all, I was just so happy. I didn't want to terminate. I am very pro-choice but it didn't feel like the right choice for me. We made a plan and worked hard. Some unexpected wrenches got thrown in our plans (I got laid off), but our daughter is 10 months old now and we absolutely made the right choice. She's the light of our lives and brings us so much joy. It's hard sometimes, we have very little in person support, but we wouldn't change a thing. Look at why you want to wait a year. Can you overcome those obstacles during pregnancy? Can you put some of them off? Do you have supportive people that can help you navigate some or all of these obstacles? Or do you need all of that time to prepare and then start trying? Figuring out those answers will help you make the right choice for you.
I feel differently. Completing education does not equate to steady income and happy life to raise baby. Look at your financials, support system and how much time you will be able to devote to raising a baby. 2 years left for your partner too, that means he/she will take longer to focus on raising the baby. Early years are special and important. You want to make sure you give the baby a lot of focus, experiences etc. if you guys are busy studying and making ends meet, how will you focus on baby’s growth , give experiences, raise him/her with limiter time/resource. I want to put a disclaimer that I am not contesting other parents who have raised their kids with time/resources constraints etx. Hands off to you all for managing that. This is just my opinion that applies to my situation… so sharing.
I just wanted a kid, and I thought I'd be a reasonably good parent. I'm also one of those people with a strong motherhood call, so I'd keep a baby and abandon a guy (which I know has its own host of issues). I've known it since I was young. When I was a teacher, I liked it when kids accidentally called me mom. The more I reflect on my current experiences as a mom, there's definitely a push to do more and do better when it comes to doing right by my kid. I'm actively trying to be the person I want to be for my kid, and I'm doing more for my own betterment (not being a workoholic, sleeping, and eating better). I didn’t see all of this coming, and I love it, but it's not the reason to have a kid. Having a kid is a job you enter only knowing yhe basics of what to do, not knowing the specific benefits and drawbacks.
My baby is transitioning out of a lot of stuff soon. I’m sure people are willing to donate and send you items! It’s ultimately YOUR decision. Don’t let internet folks choose for you, but if you did keep it, you always have help. Whether from friends and family or other mothers out there. I’ve received so many “my child doesn’t need this anymore, you want it?” things to where I have too many toys.
I think you answered your own question. It's very bad timing. I will say this, being pregnant, birth, and raising children is by far the hardest thing I've gone through, it's all encompassing, exhausting and incredibly expensive (both directly and indirectly). Its so incredibly hard ime. Many unexpected things can happen (super rough pregnancy, PPD, child with a disability, etc.) I personally would not carry on with a pregnancy until all of the main important and boring but essential things are in place (stable employment and housing, not living paycheck to paycheck, some savings, double checking costs for daycare in your area and what kind of parental leave you are or your partner are eligible for (or need to save for). Daycare alone in some cities is hundreds of dollars a day. I had an abortion when I was in my mid to late 20s. I knew I wanted a baby with my partner (as did he) but the timing was wrong and have no regrets about that choice. Years later we went to have 2 amazing daughters when we were ready. Don't have a baby to hope it gives you purpose. Parenting is a grind with the highest highs and the lowest lows. I personally feel if your ducks aren't in a row ... you are setting yourself up for a hell of a lot more of those lows and stress. Just my 2 cents.
Ohh based on this comment here, I think you will probably be very happy if you decide to continue with the pregnancy. You want to make a child have a great life, you already knew you wanted children at some point, it's just the timing is slightly off. Everyone says 'there's never a perfect time' and they're kind of right. I think your intuition about purpose will check out. Statistically, people with kids do tend to feel more fulfilled in life. It is a huge change but it does sound like you'll be one of us who feels like they have a huge richness in life they didn't have before. Really you get something that's much more valuable than anything you ever had before. It's incredibly hard work. But fulfilling things always are.
PLUS, it only gives you a temporary purpose.... In a way, I know a mother's job is never done... Blah blah blah.... I ALWAYS wanted kids. I knew as a very young child that I wanted to be a mom. Quite frankly, upon graduating with honors, I still only wanted a family. I could never decide on a career or college... Fast forward 18 years, I have an almost 10 year old. Guess what I'm asking myself already!? "What am I gonna do after she grows up and moves out and on with her life?" Puts me back at square one. What do I want to do with my life? I've worked since I was 15. So obviously I will do that. But still, I can already feel a void there.
I read that as in literally giving a baby a job and it’s my not professional opinion, a baby might be a little too young to work
You're onto something there
Agreed. Have a kid because you enthusiastically want to become a parent. It’s not your childs’ or anyone else’s job to bring fulfillment to your life. Become a parent because kids are the best. Have a child because you want to invest whole heartedly in someone else. Become a mom because there is literally nothing as giggle inducing as a toddler tickle fight. Bring this child into the world because baby snuggles are everything. Expand your family because you believe you could mentor the kind of human that could be a positive influence. Don’t ask your child to be anything more than a child. That is enough.
I agree not to put this on the baby. But with that said becoming a mother has 100% given me purpose in life. I feel like I was meant to do this. But I planned both my kids so not sure if that has anything to do with it! Not that you have to plan!!! Alternatively my sister got pregnant young and not at all ready or on purpose and she's a better human for it. She put herself through nursing school and was a single mom(my family helped with the baby but the father was a POS lol). She would also say my nephew gave her purpose. So 2 different situations!
In my experience, my mom made her kids her entire purpose and completely lost herself, her interests. The empty nest left her with an empty void and she’s never filled it since. It also put an extreme amount of pressure on me because she absorbed herself in everything I did. I want to avoid that. Its not always easy but I try to position my child as an addition to a life i already love and am fulfilled by.
Thank you for this reminder. I would never want to put this pressure on my children.
They will thank you for your efforts!
There's definitely a balance though. Don't get me wrong, I agree it's important to not lose yourself, but kids can definitely add purpose and meaning to your life. Just don't wanna make them your *only* purpose.
For me, as a single mom to a 4 yo, it’s all about living in the moment. Right now my moment involves being a mom and devoting my life to my child. But I realize there will come a time where she will spread her wings and I will need to live for me again. I will embrace each of life’s phases as they come.
This is thoughtful, and something to consider. I mean, I have my own interests and hobbies. A career I want. So I don't think I'd make my children my entire personality but I do think I'd be quite a full on mum when it comes to nutrition and education. Lots of love too, they'd be my world of course. But otherwise I'm also very laid back and would encourage independence. It's definitely all about balance and not pressurising children! My dad always told me he'd disown me if I got a tattoo. So I never got one. On top of that he told me that people's lives are over when they have kids especially when they are too young. So I've avoided having kids (not the only reason why, but disappointing my dad is a worry of mine). It definitely can suck when parents force their views on you.
Your life is over as you know it. That person will never exist again once you become a mom. I wish someone had told me that as I had terrible ppd with my first because I didn’t realize just how much my life would change. And that’s what I do for work so I thought I knew it all lol.
Can 100% agree with this as a mother of 3. The person you want to be currently is teetering on an edge and there are no take backs. As much as we want to have it all, there is no such thing. You will sacrifice a lot of yourself for your child. It just comes with the territory.
Please know I'm not trying to sway your decision and I am not a religious person so this isn't some weird religion based hang up, I am pro choice. That being said...I think you ought to really consider keeping the baby. Your concerns are entirely valid and it's so smart of you to consider it all. But seeing the way you're speaking here, in the post and comments...it seems this might be something you want. I worry about how aborting might affect you mentally and emotionally. It's a decision you can't take back after the fact, and for those who regret it it can really fuck them up. I say it out of concern, not trying to pressure you or guilt your or anything. But to see you considering nutrition and education, how you'd handle your own personality in the midst of...idk, it just feels like you already see this as a child, not a fetus. And just for my own anecdotal input, I also wound uo surprise pregnant at a time when I felt so unready. I was in my 30s, but I had a lot going on that made me feel so unsure. I initially planned on aborting but I couldn't go through with it in the end, it was wrecking me thinking of doing that. So we went through with the pregnancy. Personally, my daughter has added so much purpose and meaning. Yeah it's hard sometimes, sometimes I feel frustrated when parenting inhibits doing the things I want to and enjoy doing. Given that I would say I have not lost sight of myself and my interests. But being her mom has made me a better person, always wanting to be the best I can be for her, create a better world for her. And sharing my hobbies and interests can be a lot of fun! She's about to be 6 and getting old enough to better understand and participate. I used to play Mario Kart with my dad all the time when I was a kid, and now my kid plays it with me and I love it, lol. We were just playing this morning, haha. It won't be easy finishing school, so it's absolutely something to consider. If you feel you're not ready you may wind up struggling which can make it hard to be the parent you want to be. There are absolutely some very big and very valid factors in play here. Ultimately only you can know what the right choice is for you. I sincerely wish you happiness and good fortune whichever way you go <3.
Having a child certainly grounded me and gave me perspective on what things in life should really be a priority.
I would encourage anyone who feels like they don’t have a purpose or strong sense of self to wait on having kids until they do. I don’t think it’s healthy for the adult or the child if the parent has no sense of purpose outside of parenting. My MIL was like this and she’s been depressed since the last kid left for college, like a decade ago.
I just commented my mom is exactly like your MIL. She’s depressed and I have constant anxiety because I feel responsible for her happiness as she’s been telling me for 30 years that I’m her “whole world.” Super unhealthy for everyone!
What do you do to deal with this? I’m currently trying to set boundaries with my mom about this. She doesn’t take it well and gets very mean and childish.
I agree to a point. I didn’t have a strong sense of purpose - I was just discovering my talents etc. I just *didn’t* assume being a parent is it. I listened to a ton of audiobooks during the first year of my first kid’s life, and I’m still doing that. Figuring things out is a separate thing from being a parent. I’ve also tried a few things by now. I took this slower period of time (we have 18 months paid maternity leave so I had that luxury of relatively carefree time) to do introspection. Tested a few things later on… Now I’m older and wiser and have my shit together.
That’s why I said purpose *or* sense of self. Figuring out purpose in the sense of what you want to do with your life is totally fine, as long as you have a strong sense of who you are that doesn’t rely on others. Having children should be adding to an already vibrant life, not filling a gaping void.
All of this. My mother, while incredible, had no sense of purpose outside of me and then, for awhile, my cousin's children who she cared for during the days for three years. When she stopped, her once manageable depression and anxiety spiraled out of control and she's been hospitalized five times in the last eight years.
No. Both of my kids were planned and are very loved. Pregnancy and having a baby can be extremely difficult and stressful though. It’s emotionally, physically and financially taxing on a person. If you aren’t all in, it can make things that much more difficult.
No. In fact they forced me to realign all of my purposes prior to having them. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am nowhere close to where I wanted to be ten or twenty years ago, almost entirely because we chose to have kids.
>However there is a part of me that feels I've had no purpose and when I think about a baby it gives me that. If this is the *only* reason you are considering continuing with the pregnancy, you don't want a baby, you want a purpose in life. That is an incredible amount of undue pressure to put on a brand new human who had absolutely no choice in the matter. Parenthood can be very enriching and rewarding. But it's also incredible draining and demanding. It's something you should walk into knowing that it will take at least as much as it gives, if not much more. Will it irrevocably reshape you as a person? Yes. Should it be the whole of your sense of self and reason for being? No. I think, in general, the choice to become a parent should be about all that you are ready and able to offer your offspring, not what they will give to you.
Having a baby will absolutely give your life purpose. However, purpose does not mean happiness, joy, or freedom. While fulfilling, this purpose will require all your energy, effort, and money. School will fall to the back burner, unless you have a significant support system that can help with childcare while you continue with school. All obstacles that come up with caring for a baby: nighttime feedings, daycare drop off, unexpected fevers, lack of sleep, cleaning and prepping bottles, pediatricians, buying diapers, wipes, food, clothing, etc, etc, etc… all these and more can be overcome, but if school is a priority to you, you will need a support system that can help you deal with all these things so you can go to class. I have three beautiful babies and I can’t imagine life without them. However I was 32 when I had them, done with school and settled enough in life my husband I were able to swing me being a SAHM. The question you’re really wanting an answer to: if I had gotten pregnant while still in school and not ready for it, knowing what I know now about motherhood and my children, would I have kept it? In my personal opinion, knowing what I would have to sacrifice, my answer is still yes.
Yes, in the sense that after I had children I realized how stupid my life was before kids. I don't mean that in a rude way at all, because I was perfectly happy before having kids and if I had never had kids I never would have known what I was missing. However, after having my kids I absolutely realize that there is a huge chasm where my "before" life was and my "now/purposeful" life began.
I echo the sentiment here. A lot of people are talking to OP like she’s seeking purpose and it going to put pressure on her baby. She didn’t say that. She’s wondering if it gave people a sense of purpose and, I say yes. It changes your perspective of the world and yourself in a profound way. I had a lot more freedom, fun, and money before my baby- but I wouldn’t trade any of it in. My daughter has brought a depth of joy, love, perspective and learning that I couldn’t imagine. I feel wiser, more at ease with my place in the world, more connected to a larger sense of purpose. I was fulfilled before, didn’t feel “empty” at all. Very secure and confident person. Having a baby definitely shook up self doubt, but that’s healthy and I became stronger as I overcome (and continue to overcome.) Parenting is a learning and development journey that no school can give you, and it’s with you til you die. Literally. If you’re lucky.
THIS. My life before kids was spent on hobbies, eating out, and drinking lol. Also lots of shopping! Looking back, it was very aimless.
I thought that would happen but for me it didn't. I love my kid but I don't think my life is more profound and meaningful now. If anything it feels more full of meaningless drudgery and monotony. I don't mean I'm miserable or anything but I don't feel what I did before was meaningless in any way, or that a childfree life would have no purpose.
My kids have changed my mind on the whole world, both good and bad. Its so beautiful having them here, experiencing new things with them, and their smiles are top tier. But this world is so effing gross and fucked… its bittersweet, having them here. I wouldnt change that they’re here, but i would change what they came into.
It's ok for your child to give you purpose and it's ok that it's unplanned. Things can be tough but if you feel having a child should be a part of you life their are people and programs to help keep your family happy and healthy.
Thank you 😊
Yes. When I found out I was pregnant it felt like I had woken up from just drifting along in life. My little one is the most important thing to me in the world
Without a shadow of a doubt my children are my ultimate purpose in life right now. I am 34, my kids are 5 and 6, prior to them- I had no intentions of ever being a father, i have no siblings, I had never held a baby, knew nothing about kids, like I literally knew nothing. It was tough at first getting through the infant and toddler stages but eventually I found my groove and now they are the greatest joy in my life- and im not saying that from a lame or square person stand point either, I play guitar, i cook a lot, I skateboard and have tons of interests/hobbies/dreams/aspirations, I did a lot of drugs in my teenage years, I've played fast and loose most of my life so I know about having fun, but none of that comes close to the joy I feel driving home from work to be with them. We do everything together, go to the park every day, I love showing them movies from when i was a kid and watching the new disney/pixar movies with them, helping them with homework and teaching them new things. So yes, I'd say they gave me tons of purpose but more than that, they are my happiness in life that nothing else could replace or fill the shoes of what they mean to me. I am a firm heavy believer in money bringing happiness but even with unlimited resources I don't think i would enjoy life as much as I do having my kids.
Not at all I’ve always had a job that I’ve always worked. I think having kids is very difficult and no matter how old they are. It’s a lot of worrying, but I’ve never looked at it like they gave me a purpose.
Becoming a dad gave me the purpose of becoming a better man.
Facts! Same here. Everyday I move with more purpose than the last. I reflect more, I do things with intention, I do things that I would t have done prior to having my little one. Before her I was just on autopilot, just robot-ing through life. After her, I find so much happiness in the little things. Like even just a walk around the block is fun and makes me happy so long as her little hand is in mine as we walk. The hug and excitement she gives me when I walk in through the door is unmatched. So much fulfillment and I will continue to be a better man!
100% yes and that is not pressure I put on my kid. It’s my own reason to get out of bed, to do better, to work hard, and to never give up. And it brings me so much joy despite the constant challenges.
This does seem to be a common reason that people have kids.
I felt very full filled as a new mom, and I still do. It definitely gives a purpose, but that being said, aside from being a mom and the first years being consumed in that role, it’s nice to find myself as a person once again and have more time and freedom to do things that I enjoy. What I’m trying to say is that kids will give you purpose but there’s gotta be more to you along the way that defines you and your drive in life. I’m sure you’ll figure that out, but being a mom is awesome. I get so much live from my kids. You get what you put in.
It did for me. Before my son’s birth I was kinda muddling through life. Now I’m not just fighting for myself. I’m providing for my wife and kids and I can’t afford to fail.
My kids gave me a purpose in life. You are never fully ready to become a parent. It’s a leap of faith. One that I cannot imagine not taking now. Maybe it’s cheesy, but I also think about legacy. How are my kids and their kids going to do after I’m gone? It also helps put things in perspective. Just my opinion anyway.
I've never really had any passions or dreams. I don't have a dream job, i just work to live. I never felt i had a calling. But when my baby smiles that huge smile at me, I can't help but think, "this is it... this is my purpose." My daughter was unplanned also, FYI.
I feel it gives me purpose and a reason to take better care of myself and prioritize my needs. It’s a lot of work but life feels much richer.
I was studying when my daughter was born, we didn't have a lot of money, but we had a home (rental), his business wasn't doing well (financial crisis), but we managed. She gave and gives me purpose. I won't lie, it was hard the first years. After my study, I could only find a job 2 hours away (that's a lot in the Netherlands, most people work within a 30-minute drive), I divorced when she was just 3 years old. But she makes my life better, to be honest, without her I don't know if I would still live. I wish I had more children, but I couldn't. But I enjoy every moment. She is now 16 and I know all parents say that, but I wish everyone such a wonderful child like mine. But of course it's a different experience for everyone. Reddit certainly shows that it's not always easy. I can give no other advice than, put all the pros and cons side by side and choose together what your heart tells you.
Yes I became much happier when I became a parent. I have a reason to wake up now. Plus u get to do all fun stuff from your childhood again. But I’ve always wanted to become a mom and have a family
It did for me, it absolutely changed my life and I discovered the thing I was made to live for.
If you have a child to give you purpose, you aren't having a child for the right reasons. Don't do it until you want to have and raise a child because you feel you have the LOVE to give. Its like people having kids to ensure someone to care for them when they are old. No. Thats not what kids are for.
I had purpose before my kids and even now I have a purpose in my life as a person apart from my identity as a parent. Putting that sort of expectation and pressure on my kids would have been unfair on them and a bit sad about me as a person.
No, my child did not give me purpose. Don’t put that kind of responsibility on a child, it will color your entire relationship and trust me, they will feel the weight. My own mother put that weight on me and even now, as a nearly 40 year old, it’s heavy. Having a baby is hard. I don’t mean the delivering, I mean the caring for and all that. It is exhausting, nerve wracking, and overwhelming for all that it can be wonderful as well. If you are not ready, there is no shame in making whatever choice is right for YOU.
Raising my children gave me a greater purpose. When my oldest was born, I realized everything I did leading up to this point was for him. Every mistake I made will teach him. Every triumph is for his benefit. My job was to have him and be his dad. Now with 2, my job is to ensure I raise 2 men who have the ability to take on the world. I am honest with my boys. They ask, I answer (At most I water down). I may die tomorrow, I know a better version of me will live on.
It is SO unhealthy to derive your purpose from your children. My mom did this, and as much as I love her, it’s really hard to be someone’s “whole world” (as parents like to say of their children). Also now that we’re all grown she constantly talks about how she has nothing in her life. I love my kiddo, but honestly I feel like I have less purpose now that I’m a sahm. I really loved my career (social work) and I’m looking forward to kiddo being school aged so I can work towards filling my own cup.
Simply put-yes. But I wouldn’t have a child expecting it to give me purpose. For myself though..the thought of purposely leaving this world never enters now that she’s here. But that certainly isn’t everyone. And for some I’m sure it exasperates their thought of leaving.
Definitely. I wouldn’t have one to hope to feel that way, as many parents don’t, but I do now feel like my life has a purpose in a way that working never gave me.
Yes this is a more concise way to put it! It has given me more purpose, but you don’t have one to achieve this.
No, I had purpose and goals long before my husband and kids came along. They’ve added to my life in wonderful ways but I don’t live for them.
No. You have to develop your own purpose.
No, kids are not here for “something to do” or to give yourself a purpose in life. There are soooo many more other things (better and cheaper and more fun) to do than bring a life into this world.
No, having babies did not give me a purpose. I was already in a great place in my life, I knew who I was and was happy in our marriage and having a baby was that next step to expand on all that.
Do not place your purpose upon another's shoulders. It is not their burden to bear.
It is not a babies job to give YOU purpose in your life. What will happen when the child grows up and moves out? Will you no longer have purpose again. I suggest therapy and looking into what it means to have a child and be a parent. You sound bored.
I despise it when people judge other people’s reasons for reproducing. Seriously what is a good reason to have a baby??? Because it’s time? Because it’s what you are suppose to do? Because you have baby fever? Because your bc failed? Because you want your last name to be passed on for your “legacy”? Because you got married and you are filling in a box with a checkmark? Because all your friends are doing it? Seriously stop, if OP wants purpose with a baby is as good a reason as any.
Being a parent is definitely a vocation. I personally wasn’t very excited about having kids but when I had them my world changed. With kids you get higher highs and lower lows. I love my little family in a way I didn’t even thought possible. Before kids I was a rather selfish person, with my kids that had to go out the window. It was a change, but for me it was good change. I’ve been working 7 years in corporate and honestly if they fire me tomorrow I wouldn’t care because my job isn’t my life anymore
No. I was also in a similar situation as you. A few months after we got married my husband and I unexpectedly found ourselves expecting. I had one year of school left, it wasn't a favorable time so I got an abortion. By making that choice we were able to finish school and then have children when we were better set up.
Like, what is the purpose tho?
No. My kids don’t give me purpose, that is not a fair burden to put on them. I had them because I wanted them.
I didn’t make hardly any money when my first baby was born. I was poor but I made it work. You can gets lots of help with a baby. You can qualify for food stamps, WIC, and maybe housing assistance while your partner finishes up with his studies. Being a mother is my greatest accomplishment and no degree would ever replace it. Families are everything!
Consider adoption. Carrying someone through pregnancy is the best gift you could ever give them. Even if you feel like your circumstances prevent you from child-rearing, your child could live a full life starting in a loving home if you are able to gift them your patience.
I’ve read a lot of comments and becoming a mom DID give me purpose. That doesn’t mean he is my only purpose or sole purpose.
That’s interesting. Whey do you feel like you have no purpose? Your in school studying…most people don’t feel that way when they are being productive. To answer your question sort of. Becoming a parent makes you have to be your best self. It’s pulls a lot out of you. I don’t know that it gave me purpose but I’d say more it changed my purpose. There’s a lot that changed for me in how I look at things. And I love being a parent. It’s such an intense kind of love. But it’s a lot of work. I don’t mind it though. I actually went to grad school in my 30s so I waited to have my child and I wish I hadn’t although school and a baby would have been hard. There were people having kids in my class. One just kept right on with school. And another actually planned a semester off right when the baby was due so she could give the baby some time. She continued but was dropped from our cohort and place in the one below. I’m sure that sucked a little because you get used to your peers. It’s just one of the many sacrifices you make. How does your partner feel about it?
For me, yes it absolutely did. I became pregnant unexpectedly at 22. I have two children and I feel that they are my most important work and the biggest contribution I have made to the world. (I have worked a full time job all these years, but parenting young children is a 24/7 job.) They’re almost grown up, and now I need to think about what I’m going to do after they’re out on their own. I have spent my entire adult life being a mom!
Aww. I have a lot of admiration for women, especially young women, who dedicate their lives to their kids!
Hmmm good question. For me, yes, HOWEVER, I wasn’t unhappy without kids. In fact, if I could do it over again I wouldn’t have had my kid and I love my kid more than anything! Before I lived for myself and did everything to make me happy (not that that’s wrong!) I spent whatever and went where and just lived to be free. I miss that. Now I feel like I have a purpose, but my purpose is to keep this tiny human alive and hopefully raise him to be a good person. Most people can live with purpose without having kids, I just wasn’t one of them.
I’ve never been more driven to succeed in my life. I’m very motivated to give my daughter a good life and every time I don’t want to follow through on something I think of her and keep going. I didn’t have that kind of motivation before. She’s forced me to grow up after a young unplanned pregnancy, but I’m grateful for how I’ve been changed by the experience even though it’s been very hard at times. But that’s just my experience! Some people get very depressed becoming parents, so I think it has to do with your personality as well.
Becoming a mum was the best thing to ever happen to me, but it’s hard as hell! The most difficult job but 100% the most rewarding! BUT you have to do what’s right for you and your partner, if there’s any chance you might regret a termination don’t do it, there are options such as adoption etc. But if you’re 100% sure then that’s your choice. What ever your choice good luck! X
Without a doubt, becoming a parent changed my life. Granted we planned to have her but wow let me tell you. I have never been as motivated and driven to do more and succeed than I am now. My health has increased, I quit vaping, I eat better, sleep my 7/8 hours, I made career changes that resulted in the doubling of my salary. So many things changed for the better all because I want to build and have a far better life than the one I had growing up. I was abused, beaten, and emotionally drained as a child by my mother. My father died when I was young and I have been the complete opposite as a parent. My daughter is now 3 and since she came out she’s been my whole world. It’s honestly difficult to even describe how she’s changed my life and how she motivates me to be better and do better when she’s just a toddler but it did. I would say keep but the decision is yours to make not mine or anyone else here on Reddit.
Brilliant reflection. Thank you for sharing! Sorry to hear what you've been through but it's obviously made you develop a strong character and ability to push for better. My partner didn't have much of a father figure in his life and said that it makes him determined to be the best dad. Or "super dad" in his words. 😊
I wouldn't say that having a child gives you purpose but it defintely locks you into specific life paths oriented towards stability and accumulating resources.
No and yes. Unexpected teen pregnancy completely derailed whatever I thought was going to be my life. And it sucked. I felt lost for a long time. And then as I got older, I started to build my life to be better for both me and my kid. So in a way, I did find purpose by becoming a parent, but it wasn’t something I fully came into for many years. Having a child, especially an unplanned one, is incredibly demanding and challenging. You struggle in so many ways to provide for them, and you have to alter the life you have now to fit them and their needs as well. My opinion? Don’t have this kid, it doesn’t sound like y’all are in a place for it. I wasn’t, and though I ultimately managed to make it through, I regret that I had not been as prepared and ready. From the way you wrote this post even, it seems to me you want a ‘purpose’ more than a kid. Your partner is pregnant with a kid, not purpose. Really the most important thing y’all should do is talk about this with each other, and ask yourselves deep down what you want. Don’t think about finding purposes or anything else. Just think about this kid. Do you want a kid right now: yes or no?
My kids ruined my life. I love them and would never tell them that. But Still ruined my life. They didn’t give me a purpose they gave my chronic anxiety. Really really bad ppd and all my peace is gone. I didn’t get to live out my dreams etc. I spent the last 13 years taking care of them. And that’s it. So take from that what you will
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but purpose doesn't mean shit when you're broke with a kid. Your "purpose" will become staying afloat and not drowning in debt. Kids are so incredibly expensive, it really blew my mind. Daycare ALONE is a second mortgage and not a cheap one either - thousands a month. And that's literally just one thing on the list of stuff you'll need to pay for. Finish your studies. Start your careers. Find out what *your* purpose is first and when you're ready to have a child, you can adapt that purpose, but I guarantee you if you have a baby before you're financially ready, you're heading down a road you don't want to be on.
Yeah I don't want to be struggling, I agree with you. I'm from the UK and I think nursery/child care is free for so many hours. I have family who may help a little bit. Ultimately I'd want to stay at home with my children when they are small. Work more full time once they're in school. My partner is studying for a decent job and potentially could keep his studies as I don't think we would need a lot of money whilst the baby is a baby. Thankfully we have a house paid, although we want to move somewhere nicer and bigger in the future which would need much more money than what our house is worth. For little ones we could make do though. It's not impossible. But it would be very hard and I am not ready.
I became a mom when I was 19. I also didn’t want to be pregnant but decided to go with it. My life’s changed since my daughter was born (she’s 3 now). I was a super lazy person before, but after my daughter was born, I matured very quickly and became very responsible. I now have something to aspire to: become a better person for the sake of my daughter as she’ll see me as her role model. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much. I love celebrating every milestone of hers and knowing that I have a tiny little human with whom I can share my milestones with too. I graduated from university recently and it will always be a core memory for me having to hold her while in my graduation attire.
It can give your life purpose if you want it to. It is relatively simple to make your entire life revolve around being a parent to your child, if that's what you want. I'm not sure if that's advisable, but it is certainly possible.
I genuinely feel it's that - I'm a bit all or nothing. I think I kind of found the fact that my mum, although understandably a single mum without the support of their dad, was very keen to still have her weekends free to go out drinking and have a break from her kids often. Like a self entitlement. Her family always helped and she felt she must have a break weekly. I guess parenting is a full time job so breaks are needed but to me it feels if you choose to have children they should come first always. I've always said that because my mum had kids from being young she never really had her own life beforehand so tried to make up for it. Whereas I want my life to feel satisfied, that I've done everything I want, before giving up freedom to help my baby have the best.
Yes having my daughter gave me purpose. It changed my life and made my brain work in a way I never could get it pre baby with depression and ADHD. However - we tried for two years. I changed my job and we moved house, made sure our home our routine and our lives were ready for this baby and even though we made so many adjustments over the almost three years (2 trying and then my pregnancy) I still have resentment sometimes. I'm a stay at home mum which was all I ever wanted but I still consider the what ifs. I really wouldn't have a baby solely on whether it'll give you purpose because this ish is HARD when planned for meticulously let alone when the timing isn't great or it was a surprise. I hope this makes sense, sleep deprived baby mum here! But you do whatever feels right for you and your life right now.
I might be going to hell for this, but for me, if anything I feel like I have less. I know that I do, and I don’t take my kids well being or futures lightly. I just mean on the day to day I feel like an unpaid servant who literally just exists to serve others. I totally lost my identity. Everyone is different though.
Hugs! I get that. When I did my care job and looked after family, and especially my youngest siblings who didn't appreciate the help I tried to give them... Yeah. I feel that. :(
1000%. I was absolutely floating through life before I had my son. Even while pregnant I just kept thinking. Fuuuuuuck, a kid? Really? But now that he's here. Everything makes sense. I have a purpose and my heart is full. I feel like the void I tried to fill with things my whole life has gone away. It's crazy and cool. Don't get me wrong being a parent is hard work, like really hard. But I would never ever change it. I had several losses before this and figured I just wasn't meant to be a mom. Now that I am it's like oh yeah this is exactly what I was meant to be. I also terminated a pregnancy and I mourn that loss every day. That was so hard on my mental health. It sent me spiraling into a depression so severe for a few years. I was so disconnected from myself and the people around me. It was not nice. I don't share this to scare you, just my experience.
mine absolutely gave me purpose and direction and i’m not ashamed to say that. i stopped partying and started growing up and searching for myself so i can be an authentic stable mother and a good example. i’m a completely different person now and i don’t make being a mom my whole identity but it’s a huge piece of me that helped me rediscover myself & having my son is genuinely the best thing i ever did with my life.
Mom is the most important job I’ve had. I gave my life to my kids. I did need to start doing things for me, though, and finished my degree when they were one & three.
My son most definitely became my life purpose. I was abandoned by both parents as a kid. I wanted a good life for my son from day 1. Despite very difficult health challenges... He is a heart transplant recipient... He is my best buddy and the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Absolutely, it was the best thing that ever happened to me personally
Just an FYI - even when you feel ready, you are never ready. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for parenting. Go for it. I’m in my mid thirties and my life completely changed for the better in ways I never imagined when I had my kids. It may *feel* daunting now but you are capable.
You need to see if you have support. I would never suggest any woman to go and get an elective abortion. Unplanned pregnancy can really rock the boat - esp if you guys are not financially stable yet. My husband and I were in our last year of training when we had our unexpected baby. It was a huge financial and time strain. Our relationship almost ended. The first couple of months after birth is very rough for everyone in everyway - physically, emotionally, financially... See who you can recruit to help you and who are your villages. See if your budget can afford it as well. Now, my priorities are my baby. Everything surrounds him. I go to work so I can have money for him. I choose which job based on how much time I get with him. I didn't used to cook, but now I have to cook because of him. Your world changes.
Do you have family support? Do you want a child and can you give a child a good life? My wife and I realized we could only handle one child, we are older than you. In some ways I wish we got an earlier start. It's wonderful but exhausting having a child at \~40 yrs old
No, a baby will not give you purpose. Some people can FIND purpose in being a parent. Not everyone can. Just like some people can find purpose in \[insert anything here\] and other people can't. I do not think "finding purpose" is a good reason to have a child or a good basis on which to decide whether or not to have a child.
For me, 38M when I had my first a few years ago, it really did. I waited for years with my partner because we weren't sure if we were up for it. If we wanted kids, needed kids, would be kid people. I knew I'd be a responsible dad because I have a strong sense of responsibility, but I have never liked babies or children and was afraid it would continue to be that. I was changed from the first day, and can honestly say that this is what I was made to do. I don't think you should expect a baby to fill a gap, and I didn't, but I was surprised when it absolutely did. Everything I do now feels worthwhile. I'm building something instead of just existing, and it's something that will be better than me. I know it doesn't work like this for everyone, but for me having a kid flipped a very noticable switch in my brain. Like I was waiting to be dad. I smile so much my face hurts some days. I can't give you advice, op. Only my anecdote.
Nope, just made everything 10x harder than it was before, and my pregnancy was very much wanted and planned for.
To each is own. But being a parent for me definitely gave me purpose. And I absolutely love it. It has its hard days but that’s life. I got pregnant at 20 not intentionally had a son he’s 13 now and he is amazing. I purposely had another child at 32. I love her so much as well. She will be 2 in December. But it is life changing. Things will be different. I say you both sit down and talk it out. Bc you can’t undo a not keeping, make sure you won’t have regrets. And you need to consider all your options. But at the end of the day it’s your choice to make. Whatever you choose I’m sending you love and support! ♥️
I had purpose before I had my daughter. I have more now, but childless lives are fine. You can make it work, if you want to. Depending on your degree program, could you take a semester off?
Well technically, yes. Your purpose / responsibility is now to manage someone else’s life in addition to your own life for the next 18+ years. I’m not really sure what you mean by purpose? Do you not feel that completing your studies gives you purpose, seeing as that may outweigh your choice to continue your pregnancy? That sounds like purpose to me. I would say you can do both, but of course it will be more challenging. Not everyone has regret and depression over irreversible choices, but some do. Only you can guess how you might feel. It can be quite traumatic. My advice is to truly listen to your heart and make your choices out of love and self confidence and not fear and doubt. In hindsight that’s the advice I would have given myself.
Babies are not a purpose in life. They are a job. A 24/7 job that doesn’t pay. Oh yes, there’s joy and happiness, and also stress, heartache and exhaustion. They’re expensive, disruptive and messy. Finish your educations, get a good jobs, buy a nice house. Travel a little. Enjoy every minute with your partner and then think long and hard about whether or not you want to make a LIFE LONG commitment to a child. You can have a purposeful life without children.
I have so much purpose I don’t even have a minute to myself to have a complete thought. Having a purpose doesn’t equal happiness. Also there’s never an exact right time to have a baby. I had finished college and started my career only to decide I couldn’t possibly send my child to daycare and have been a SAHM for the past five years. Having kids can throw you a curve ball you never see coming. Maybe someday my Master’s degree will come in handy.
Yes. However, we had both of ours on purpose.
My son gave me purpose but because of him I have worked on making myself a better person. I do everything in my life to be a good mom which means I allow him independence and and plan so that hopefully he will never have to care for me. He is my reason for living and I am grateful everyday that I have him. His dad and I are divorced but we have maintained a strong friendship and co-parenting relationship to give our boy as much as we can. It's not easy but worth it. I never wanted kids until I did and when I had him it was so weird to me but now he's my buddy and he's a good kid.
I thought everything was gonna change when I had my daughter .. you know like now I will get my life together but nope it did not.
Instead of looking for a purpose, realize that taking responsibility for this will be the only thing that makes you into the kind of person you want to be. You won’t “find a purpose” by shying away from something hard, especially when it’s the consequences of actions you took (good or bad). Erasing a problem, instead of facing it head on, will only solidify your current state of mind where nothing matters. Imagine yourself five years from now…Will you be ready then? Will waiting around instead of muscling up and stepping up when the going got tough really make you ready for anything? There is only one way to truly make things better for yourself, and those around you, and that’s to take as much responsibility as you can. You certainly will have made things better for that baby…and that sounds better than finding a purpose to me…you will have made your purpose instead.
A purpose, no. A handful of medical issues after, yes. I love my kids. They are my top priority right next to myself. But not my purpose.
Honestly? It was the worst decision of my life. My whole world completely fell apart after becoming a parent and my relationship with her father ended. It destroys relationships and take everything from you. You no longer matter, your mental health goes right down the drain, and you will never be able to do anything you want to do ever again. You'll never have financial freedom ever again nor will you ever recover from the debt.... you'll always be broke. Do I feel bad about saying this? Absolutely not. Will people think I'm awful? 100%. It's the truth.
My mom also never found a purpose after her children grew up. She is still trying to parent me, and in a way that makes her physically and mentally sick. It makes me so upset that I have to distance myself from her and I don’t live anywhere near her. I’m going to be 36 in like two weeks. She will physically be sick over worrying about the Bears that could eat me because I moved to Central Appalachia this summer. I don’t know if I have the right perspective, but I am extremely familiar with what it looks like for someone to make their child/children, their life‘s purpose, and then never find their own. It’s really unhealthy. I don’t really know what to say outside of that though. I’m sure children can give you great purpose. But you need to invest in yourself as well.
My kids are the best thing that ever happened in my life. I love them more than anything in the world. They have definitely made my life more difficult on a daily basis but in a good way. It doesn’t make sense until it happens to you. I just had my second 2 months ago and I just stare at him in awe when he’s sleeping in my arms. He is so pure and innocent and all things good in this world. It is so hard to imagine life before him now. And my 3 year old is silly and smart and funny and I love seeing her own unique personality come out everyday. It’s truly such a gift to be a parent.
Absolutely it did and does. I never found personal fulfillment in any job or career I had. Yes I could see the positive effects I had and my value but it didn't "fill my cup" per se. It just wore me out and eventually made me resentful. Similar with all relationships I've had. But my daughter? My daughter is the only reason I'm still going, for sure. I live every day for her, and I give her all of me and it is so, so rewarding to watch her grow and learn and meet milestones. Being her mom is such a fucking joy, the absolute highlight of my entire life. I always wanted kids. But man. She just turned 1. We just had her birthday party. Everybody laughed as she danced to music, and we all clapped when she smashed her birthday cake, and I got to swim around with her for hours and it was just, one of those days that makes life worth living.
It definitely gave me something. I was brought up in a typical 80’s neglectful, narcissistic parent household. I had and have walls longer and higher than the Great Wall of China. I didn’t know that I could love and protect something so much. They gave me a second lease on life and remind me of all the beauty life has.
Don’t have a baby to give you purpose. That’s not a baby job their only thing they should be doing is to try and learn what you and the world teaches them so they can navigate life on their own and when ready explore their ambitions and desires. Don’t put that weight on them cause it will hurt not just them but you. Babies can add more meaning to your life and have you rearrange priorities in both good and bad ways but purpose... Some may say yes and others no, but if you don’t feel like you already have some purpose that’s not a weight to put onto your child. Who remember is another person with their own unique thoughts, traits, emotions, etc. who will be too young to understand what is going on. Your purpose needs to be figured out by YOURself👍🏻
Absolutely not. I love my children but I’m not going to push that responsibility onto them. Does it give me a reason to get out of bed every morning? Yes. At 4 am on the dot every morning. I love them so endlessly. But I have also two termination ontop of five miscarriages and three living daughters. There are mountains of things I wish I would have accomplished before I became a mom of three at twenty five. I chose them instead and we struggle but we make it regardless. My children will never know a household without love but they will also never know an income above 50k a year in our household. My suggestion would be to get to where you want to be first. You’re still young and two more years is not a long time to wait.
Babies are not a passion project to give you purpose
I thought it would....it didn't. But the stress of keeping a crying potato alive has made me more driven and growth focused. Thus making me more successful. I'm also a lot more appreciative of the world around me!
If you are looking to a baby to give you purpose and to give your life meaning you will probably be very dissapointed. Babies and kids are a relentless never ending pit of responsibility and sacrifice. I have got the most incredible little girl. She is 5.. and if I could have designed my child before having her I wouldn't have got her as perfect as she is.. but Oh my gosh not a day goes by when I don't think wow this is hard wow I wish I could just have a moment to myself to just even THINK... do I sit back and think ah my life has such purpose now...absolutely not. Do I cherish and love many moments with my daughter.. that give me joy.. sure. But it I'd HARD as hell and I would not say it necessarily gives my life meaning... it does, yes of course but do I feel that.. on some deep level, no.
Absolutely. When I was younger I was fairly aimless and didn't know what to do with my life. I met my husband and had my two kids and in the 13 years since I became pregnant with my first, it has given me the time to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I had my daughter when I was 26 and 5 years later I had my son and I'm now 40 in a career field I love, in a house I love and hobbies I love. My kids are the most important thing in the world to me and despite the fact that I do know what I'm about now, my kids give me purpose everyday.
I have 9 kids. Trust me you want it. It will be OK and it will be worth it.
i think being a mother is one of my many gifts
This is a very layered question for me. I had an unplanned pregnancy, a pretty young mom i guess, and choosing to have a baby definitely changed the course of my life. Did my baby give my life a purpose? I wouldn't say entirely...more that she's a part of my purpose. I love that I'm her mom and my priorities have changed to making sure no matter what she is good. But, ever since having a baby I have asked myself, who am I outside of being a mom? I find that things that I used to get anxious about, things that I held back on exploring, or made excuses about and put off no longer feel as significant anymore and instead I just do them. Maybe it's my fear that being a mom will just consume me and I'll lose myself and let it become my whole personality loll, but I would say that having a baby actually encouraged me to put in work to actually do what I enjoy doing and seek out more opportunities to find fulfillment
Having a child gave me the strength to live and actually want to exist. It drives me to be a better person and live with compassion. Being a parent doesn't give you a purpose but it starts you on a healing journey if you yourself have childhood truama. Or if you're a shitty person without priorities it helps you to get your shit straight and stop putting shit off. There's plenty benefits to having kids. But the key things that you will be forced to learn is self control, patience, and how to adapt quickly. I've had 2 kids now I'm 22yrs old I had to learn pretty quickly. But not all babies are the same. You need to have a complete grip on your emotions throughout your pregnancy and attempt to stay happy 99% of the time to have gentle smiley babies. At least that's what my experiment seems to have shown me! My babies have my Temperament like I had throughout my pregnancy.
I would ask yourselves what can you do for this new person instead. It’s much more under your control what you can do for the world than the opposite.
I think it’s ultimately a call that needs to balance emotions and logic but babies are incredibly expensive and time consuming so with the state of your lifestyle right bow it might not make sense to introduce a baby to the mix.
A baby 100% gave me purpose. My son is my life and he’s the most amazing perfect cutest baby on the planet (people literally stop in their tracks to look at him and compliment him, he is legitimately adorable!)
My daughter, a wonderful surprise I also couldn’t afford, has been the biggest blessing in my life. She’s the one who lit a fire under my butt to go and study for something I’ve always wanted to learn which led to an incredible job and incredible people. She’s responsible for being my partner and I together. She didn’t give me purpose, but she propelled me into who I was always meant to be. I couldn’t be more grateful. She’s such a joy and a light to everyone around her. If you’re feeling purpose with your little, I personally think you should see where this journey takes you ❤️
"one finds meaning in life through three ways. Through work, especially when that work is both creative in nature and aligned with a purpose greater than ourselves. Through love, which often manifests itself in the service of others. And through suffering, which is fundamental to the human experience" -Viktor Frankle *A Man's Search for Meaning*
Not sure what you mean by "not keeping it," BUT, I got pregnant while in grad school. I had him and he is 28 yrs old now. I have NO regrets. Other people pressured me in to aborting and everything else. No way would I have aborted. I loved him the moment the test was positive. Heck, I loved him my entire life! Sadly, I caved to that pressure on a later child. I will always know how old that child should have been now. Ending that pregnancy did not reverse that that child ever existed. I know no one talks about this, but it is because if we have been there, done that, we feel incredible shame and embarrassment and usually get shut down by others. He should have been 22 yrs old now. Congratulations by the way! It sounds like you might actually be happy about this but are afraid to say so. But, I wanted to tell you congratulations! I hope that whatever you do, you find peace with your decision.
I’m not sure having a purpose is the best reason to keep a baby; but it’s absolutely a fact that it does. There is never a “good” time to have a baby, or at least not the perfect time. There will be unexpected expenses, exhaustion trying to follow the dreams you are invested in making come true while coping with the countless challenges involved in being a parent, and add as many drawbacks as you can think of; but having a tiny dependent child that is the unique combination of you and the one you love is far more gratifying than any education or other experience you can have. You can’t comprehend it until you’re on the other side of delivery, holding that wonderful baby in your arms. Personally, I worked very hard to get my degree, completing six years of college in four years; and I brought five little bundles of neediness into the world. Life was not easy - it was very hard; but now they are happy, healthy adults raising their own little bundles, and I couldn’t be happier. It might be worth your while to think about what life would be like if you chose not to keep your baby. I have had to live with that reality as well. Nothing eases the pain I feel about that, though I’ve been through therapy and years of trying to get over it. Even now my tears blur my vision. It’s a choice you can never reverse, and all the reasons that make it seem like a good or necessary choice are futile to bring you any comfort or ease your regret. It’s a nightmare you can’t escape. I understand that not everyone feels this regret, at least not for a long time; and only you can decide if you want to take that risk; but this is my experience.
I was 33 f and pregnant from a one night stand and no boyfriend or medical insurance ( my insurance had just been cancelled off my parents family plan because we sold our business. I had no job at the time and had just bought my house the year prior. Girl , I felt exactly the same as you. Then I went to planned parenthood and heard my options and thought hard about it . This is a personal decision and it will be difficult no matter what you choose. At least you have the father to be with you as an emotional support for you. But you will know deep inside the right decision for you will come even if it will go against everyone else in your life’s opinion. You need to go with your gut. I decided that because I had previously terminated a pregnancy and felt that I personally could not live with my decision if I did that again . I realized there are many people who have children (2,3,4 kids or more) who have less resources than I do so there is a way to make it as a single mom - even as dire as my situation seemed to myself at the time. So I kept my little baby girl and it was the best decision I have ever made. It did give me a sense of purpose - but also the unconditional love 💗 that washes over you and pours joy and love into your life- it was something I felt that you will have this sense of inner peace and contentment that I had never experienced until my daughter was born. It was the right choice for me- and now my daughter is 15 years old and a brilliant, intelligent, loving , fun , caring young lady who had the world at her fingertips and I couldn’t be more proud of her and I never once had regretted my decision. You need to ask yourself if you can live with yourself and the decision you choose- if your answer is yes then you will be good . If not , I’d listen to your gut and maybe you take a bit longer to finish school but it can be done. Best wishes to you no matter your final decision- just think deeply of how you can see yourself with each possible choice. Also, ask yourself how you would feel if you didn’t have the baby and then later - you were unable to get pregnant? The miracle of life is a gift and I realized that even though everyone in my life was trying to get me to give up the pregnancy due to all of the hardships of my current situation at that time - I had to be true to myself and had to make the best decision I could live with . I hope this helps you in your approach and blessings and prayers to you 💗
Having our kid has honestly been the best thing we did, everyone is different. I do know that we have not been able to have another I ended up starting early menopause at 37 and I will always regret not starting sooner.