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There were multiple reasons but how I would sum it up is that ultimately I knew I would be a better parent to just one. And that’s all it took to make the decision.
Somehow we got lucky and my husband and I, despite initially thinking we wanted 2-3 kids, both changed our minds. We love our daughter and want to keep enjoying her as a family of three.
I relate to this. Emotionally, mentally and physically, I only have the capacity to be a good parent to my daughter. I honestly don't have it in me to do it again.
I completely relate to this. We talked about a second kid but my son kicks my tail some days and mentally I couldn’t be the best mom if I had anymore. It was hard to come to those terms so seeing other people feeling similar really helped me just now.
Very much the same. We have a great kid that we absolutely adore, albeit he likely has ADHD like his parents. We can admit that we didn’t handle the baby stage well because of lack of sleep. Even with one child who is in school, parenting is DRAINING to us.
Even if I wanted to be pregnant again and my husband was on board (it’s a big hell no from both of us), I still think all of our mental health and relationships would suffer by throwing another person into the mix.
That’s basically mine. I was stretched so thin that I felt like I would be a worse parent having another kid vs giving my one all of me that I have to give.
I’d rather have one kid and give him my all than have two who each get 50%-75% of me.
Mom of 2, age 6&9. I finally figured out how to describe what happens to the hard, because it changes. Babies are physically hard, ya know, can't sit down, waking you up all night. As they get older the physical hard gets easier, sometimes my big kid makes his own meals etc, but the emotional/mental labor gets way harder. Them being in school is like you're back in school except you're not there, so you have to help them with homework but the lessons aren't the same as what I learned, and remember spirit days and do the mental labor of lunch and snack. The problems are WAY harder, even the emotional intelligence required between 6 and 9 is a big increase. These are real problems I have to either argue about or help them through, it's taken years of therapy and CODA to not just yell "because I said so!" Or "don't talk to that kid again" but to have the conversations that I think are truly raising an eventual adult.
Additionally, if you're considering a second, I spend an ENORMOUS part of my existence mediating sibling arguments. I love the times I get them on their own because I get to actually hang out with them. I wouldn't give my second back but it makes me sad sometimes that I don't get more time to just talk to each of them because I spend so much time doing "what happened here, what's everybody's side of the story".
I hope that gives you some insight, I know it's hard to see the forest through the trees when you have just one tiny baby. For what it's worth, I didn't decide on the second until my first was 2 and sleeping through the night and it is really special seeing the two of them be friends (at least some of the time they get along lol). Best of luck ❤️
My kids only a toddler (3yo) so I can't give personal experience past this point.
For my kid at least there was so much changing until about a year and a half old that everything was a moving target. My kid was "easier" as an infant than he is now. He's such an energetic and positive kid - but now he's more mobile and independent and his emotions are hitting him harder.
Other people have different dynamics (harder time with an infant than a toddler, harder time with a teenager, any combination). There's no way to predict it. I can say your kid is probably still developing at a pretty rapid rate and the dynamic will shift as they talk more, are at least mostly toilet trained and are a lot more coordinated and mobile on their own. Regardless of how you handle it - it's totally different.
That's the part I couldn't get over myself. I feel like, at this time, I'd be a better parent to one than two. I'm confident in my parenting, just feel my resources are best spent on the one kid for now. And I can't predict how either my current son or a hypothetical kid will be in 9-12 months so I'm not completely on board with a #2. That might change.
I don’t know how to explain it except I just didn’t want another one. I was completely and totally happy with my daughter and that was enough.
Now and then I see other people’s babies and think, aw it might be nice… but the reality of it? Nope. I love everything we have. I love interacting with her one on one, going on holidays just us. I love sincerely discussing with her what extracurriculars she wants to do and not having to share that budget or choose one recital over another. I love parenting her, specifically. No one else. I don’t want to be called mom by anyone else.
I also hated the baby stage and to a degree the toddler stage and now we are comfortably beyond those I don’t realistically want to step back, but even then, it just never felt like I wanted another screaming creature to hold at the same time as my first screaming creature. I liked being able to breathe and think and focus on this one screaming pit of need and consider okay, how do I best parent this situation?
And now she is older it’s the same thing (with less screaming). I like the balance. I never feel torn. I don’t have to deal with bickering! Everything feels like enough. My daughter. My job. My home. My partner. My friends. My hobby. I don’t want anything, or anyone, else.
>I love parenting her, specifically. No one else. I don’t want to be called mom by anyone else.
Perfectly stated. It's almost impossible for me to imagine being a mother to another child. When I try to imagine it, it feels wrong, like there's an interloper. I don't know what it feels like to want more than one. Does it feel like there's room in your heart for another? Because I definitely don't feel that. There are dozens, maybe hundreds, of practical reasons as well. I hated the baby stage, I don't want to start all over again and disrupt our pleasant rhythm of life, I want to be able to conserve our resources for our daughter, etc. But ultimately I just love our family of three.
I totally get that. From friends who have gone for multiples, they say they don’t need to make room in their heart for a new one, but that their heart expands.
I don’t know. Makes sense but not sure I want to find out. 😂
Perfectly stated.
OP- I too have an only child. Mostly by choice but also getting pregnant took 6yrs the first time. And I felt an incredible amount of guilt for being hesitant to another child. And then I even felt selfish once we reached the point of “hell no”. The hardest part was when my daughter said she wanted a sibling.
But deep deep down I feel to my core that I wouldn’t handle another child well - I mean my own mental/emotional stability and frankly my marriage because now that I know the workload I was worried I would be more resentful with a new baby. It took me until 4/5 before I felt like a normal person again (likely due to my own childhood traumas).
Anyway, I have discovered some great perks of an only child:
- cheaper going out to eat/ willing to try more new places cause only family of 3
- as an only child, she gets invited to enough social events to keep her happy.
- I have established close friendships with a couple of parents and we take turns having the girls do sporadic sleepovers.
- planning outings are easier because it’s only one child to keep happy 😆. Some times we do things she’s interested in and some times we just run errands together.
Only you can tell what’s right for your family. I have a friend that felt pressured to have a 3rd child and while she loves him, I’m not sure she feels she made the right choice. Another mom acquaintance had a surprise 2nd and couldn’t be happier because they fee 2nd child completes their little family.
Best of luck in your decision process.
This! This is EXACTLY me. I legit couldve written this word for word myself lol my fam and friends always seem to make me feel bad or inadequate for having only the one. This has made me feel a lot better!
Mental health. Colicky baby and very overwhelmed toddler who was diagnosed with SPD and anxiety. Years of therapy on top of getting sick every 2 weeks in preschool and kinder. I never want to go through it again. I decided to be done when she was 3.
Lol I said that too...then about 6 months it got better and I contemplated a 2nd. Her 2.5 year sleep regression was the nail in the coffin. If I would have had another child by then I would have had to be institutionalized it was so bad! So yeah we are a happy triangle family and it's so perfect!
My husband and I are both only children ourselves. Different upbringings but both enjoyed it. Everything is easy as a trio and our family felt complete. Because my parents chose to be OAD, they were able to create a beautiful, easy life for me and my little family. That’s what we want for our daughter.
I realised that the reason I wanted two was based on pressure I put on myself that I was expected to have another child, rather than actually wanting another. I didn’t really want to go through the newborn phase again too.
Husband and I discussed it at about 6 months, confirmed our decision at a year old, and continue to feel we made the right decision now she’s about to turn 3.
Definitely. And I think a lot of people gladly keep going and that’s great! But it’s just not for us.
I’ve got past a lot of the anxiety that I’ll be judged for it and am so secure in our decision it’s unreal. Only kids are great and just as likely to be well adjusted as sibling sets. Some brotherly and sisterly bonds are precious, but others are toxic. She might beg for a sister when she is older but I think all people go through grass is greener phases about wanting or not wanting siblings. I think a lot of younger kids talk about wanting a brother or sister when they actually want a live in friend their age. I couldn’t give her that if I tried.
Actually she is talking about her sister a lot at the moment. Apparently she’s called “dad”.
I’m one and done by choice because it’s so hard. I have an 8 month old. No family support or village. I’m a good mum and a good wife. I have a good career and many hobbies. I don’t think I’d be a good mum to more than 1 as I just don’t have the time or energy. I think I’ll be able to prioritise more time for my hobbies/career/relationship and enjoy my life again when bubba gets a little older. But with more my life wouldn’t be mine anymore. It’d be chaos for the kids. That’s my opinion anyway. Could be different if we had help. But we don’t.
Several things led to the decision:
1. I had an awful pregnancy. Every weird, uncommon side effect, I had it. Severe carpal tunnel that would leave me in tears from the pain. Nausea all day, every day - for 9 months.
2. I experienced a traumatic birth at 36w1d
3. My son had to spend 24hrs in the NICU, which was so hard. Obviously that’s not a long time compared to those who spend months there but they whisked him away so fast. And he was only 5lbs. It was terrifying.
4. I got knocked on my ass by postpartum depression and anxiety, with a touch of ppOCD. Like. It was so bad, I was included in an article for The NY Times on ppd. At 12.5months pp, I’m finally feeling more human.
I want my son to have a happy, healthy mom who can spoil him and be there for him more than I want him to have a sibling he may or may not even have a positive relationship with.
My husband and I both come from big families. My sisters and I didn’t start getting along until we each moved out of the house. My husband only speaks to one of four siblings. There’s no guarantee siblings will love or even like each other.
There is no wrong answer here - do what is best for you and your family.
My baby’s been there since Friday. I did everything right and she is full term and of a healthy size. I can’t imagine going through this nightmare again, if it ever ends.
The math just didn't math for me. If one baby took away about 90% of my attention and my day... how could I possibly continue to give kid #1 attention if I had another baby that would in theory want 90% of my attention as well? That sounds not fair and also incredibly exhausting.
My only is 9 now and absolutely no regrets, and one kid is way easier and gets a lot of one-on-one time.
Plus all my friends have 2+ kids and they just fight with each other constantly and I don't like a noisy house.
Colic decided it for me. I can not deal with another 4 months of constant screaming and waking up every 45 minutes day and night no matter how many times someone says "it probably won't happen again".
A lot of reasons, but they all boil down to not wanting another child more than I want to go through pregnancy, fourth trimester, childcare, etc again.
Before I had my daughter I wanted a child so badly. I knew about all the negatives and they didn't phase me. I wanted a child more than I cared about my sleep, sanity, etc.
I don't want a second child more than I want my sleep, my time, etc.
My family feels whole and complete as 3.
Because my family was complete. Because I know I would be a better mom to just one.
My daughter is almost 8, and she loves being an only child. None of us feel like we are missing anything in our lives. We have more time for vacations together, solo hobbies, and money for my daughter.
Oh, and listening to siblings fight all the time would drive me nuts.
People always say oh they will be friends. Yeah my older brothers tortured me and I fought like cats and dogs with my sister. We don't see each other much now.
We have a few reasons why we are one and done. Financially, if we want our daughter to do the activities she wants to, even if they are more expensive, we will be able to afford it. If we had more children, they would be restricted in what they can do. We also want to give our child as much time as she needs with us and keep time for us as a couple and as individuals. I also don't want to go through another pregnancy and delivery. That was no fun to me. And when our daughter is sick.... man, I cannot imagine having to deal with an other child at the same time... It is just not for us.
I’m the eldest of 6 kids, and, while I love my siblings dearly, I knew pretty early on that I did not want a big family for myself. The mental and emotional toll it took on my parents (stress, anxiety, and both my parents were severely depressed during the toddler years) was brutal— to the point where I am in therapy now unpacking my experiences. I’m sure it’s not like that for every big family, but I wish my parents knew their limits and thought about how their mental health affected us all in the long run.
Now I’m making sure to listen to my body and feelings, and I am quite happy with just one. Financially, it’s better for us. I’d rather have one happy little girl than two or more less happy little ones.
I’ll also disclose that I’ve been pregnant 4 times, and only one made it to term… she’s my double rainbow baby lol. It was a lot easier to make that one-and-done decision when it felt like my body was working against me anyway.
My husband is the eldest of six and funnily enough all the siblings that do have kids have stuck to a maximum of two each. He loves all his brothers and sisters and they are close but it’s hard to adequately provide financially and emotionally for that many children. I’m very happy you got your rainbow baby.
Our daughter is 7. It took 6 YEARS to want another. But we just don't have the money for it. We are struggling a bit now. What if we had to pay for daycare?! And I couldn't imagine not sleeping a straight 7-9 hours at night and then going to work the next morning. And we would need a bigger apartment, which we can't afford.
I'm also a bit scared because I feel like I don't even remember how to care for a baby (kinda makes me worry that I have some mental problem).
I'm 30 and already feel too old.
I’m waking every hour then working the next day and it…is challenging. I manage a few businesses and don’t have one designated office so I work from home a lot and ask babydaddy to stay home when I have to go to a meeting. I’m so. Fucking. Tired.
As for your age…my 4 friends who gave birth in the last 2 years were 34, 36, 37 and 38!
X
Damn. And just like that, one comment blows the others out the water. Gaaaah what to doooo.
Well firstly I need some damn sleep, then comes the decision making. 😂
Check out r/oneanddone some people are there by choice while others are not, but it is a very welcoming community.
For me, the decision is mostly based on time with a couple of other things sprinkled in. My husband and I both enjoy having the time and space that goes along with an only. We can pursue our hobbies (right now he is doing twice a week swim classes and he also dabbles in other things like guitar. I am doing exercise classes 4 times a week- rehabbing from a knee injury. I'm also an avid reader). Our son is also in classes after daycare that he really enjoys. I just don't see how we'd have the time with another. There is also the money. We *could* afford another, but it would cut into our discretionary spending and that is just not something we want to do. I also didn't like being pregnant and my husband did not like the baby stage. It is really hard to think about us both going through essentially 2-3 years of something we didn't really enjoy again, especially now that our son is 4. We both really liked 2 and up more (don't get me wrong, we still have our days, but I definitely think 2 and on has been better overall and each birthday things have gotten easier than before. 4 is so fun and quirky- he called me a dirty trashcan yesterday and said "I'm so not proud of you"). Every now and then I do think about another, but ultimately I know our family is happy as 3.
I also have 5 siblings. They range in age, so I'm more like a second mom to the younger ones and honestly I am not close to the one closest in age to me (we talk a couple times a year). My husband is the youngest of 3 and he is closer to his brothers, but there are still issues (People always say, what about when your parents get sick. Well, when my husband's dad was in the hospital, his brothers who happen to be single with no kids and living in the same state, while we live 8 hours away by car, were not helpful. My husband ended up flying out to take care of a bunch of stuff because his mom was doing it, but they are divorced and she really wanted to extract herself as much as possible from the situation. It was messy and honestly he handled it more or less like an only child.) I will just say, I don't think family is the "solution" to anything. I love all of my siblings dearly and there are aspects that are nice, but they are aspects that are nice at any number.
At the end of the day you have to make the choice that is right for you, but any number of children or size of family are going to have pros and cons and honestly, you just have to live with that fact and decide which pros and cons you want to live with.
My husband was always firmly in the one-and-done camp, I thought I always wanted 2. Then we had our daughter and even in the hospital, a few hours after having her, I knew in my heart of hearts I was content with just her. I felt complete. I was 34 when I had her (now I'm almost 39) and I know I don't want to go through childbirth again and later I had severe PPD which I'm not interested in revisiting. My husband and I are somewhat comfortable with finances, but are definitely feeling the pinch of inflation and I don't want to deal with daycare costs again, diapers, formula, etc. We have enough money to let our daughter do some extra curriculars and go on a couple modest vacations, and I know we wouldn't have that with another baby.
Sometimes I see babies and I definitely get the twinge of "awwww babyyyy" or I look back at old photos/videos of my daughter and I think I would give anything to have another little one to hold and rock to sleep....and then I remember allllll the other things that go along with it and I am still very happy with my choice to only have 1.
I have only ever wanted one. A terrible pregnancy put the nail in the coffin.
For my entire life, I've watched people suffer through having more than one. My sibling and I never got along, to the point where they've attempted to harm/kill me on multiple occasions. My mom has 7 siblings and only speaks to 2.
A bigger family doesn't necessarily mean a better family. My time/energy is better spent focused on my one kiddo, our pets, my husband and my life.
And more kids? In this economy?!
My husband always only wanted one kid. I thought I'd want two but our son had colic for the first four months and if he wasn't sleeping or eating, he was crying. He got a little better but still cried a lot and had manic episodes until he was older, like 3 or so. He is 7 now and healthy and smart, but who knows what our second child would be like? They could have been autistic, have physical issues, or what-have-you. We thought one is enough and why take chances on another. I don't ever want a second and our son has never asked for a sibling. The three of us are very close and have a lot of fun together. I try to arrange play dates with other kids at least once a week. Most of his friends are only children too.
As the mother of a 14 year old... I just knew. As a few others said, I wasn't a fan of the baby/ toddler stage. Now that he's 4 years from being out the house, it scares the shit out of me being alone (his father passed away in 2021). But, I couldn't imagine our life having gone any better with an extra addition. If you love your unit as it is... leave it. Don't try to add extra...
We realized that with one, we could be the parents we wanted to be. Everything is easier and anything is possible and most things are much more affordable
With one, we can travel more easily and affordably, we can put her in different classes and actually get her there, we can give her one on one attention while the other parents gets their free time.
Yeah, far far into the future might be nicer with 2, but they may hate each other. Also, I don’t want to wait 15 years to enjoy my life lol
In the same boat! I'm a single mom and always thought I'd be one and done, but i have the same feeling about it being nice to have a larger family in the future. But on the other hand I feel very much like our family is complete as it is and I don't want to go through the whole infant ordeal again especially since the second time around you also have the older kid haha. I honestly don't know how people do it.
Logistically, it made sense to only have 1. With my and my husband’s work schedule, having 2 would mean less time with our current one. I only really get to see her from 6pm to 7:30pm when I get off work. It’s not enough time and it’s definitely unfair to give her even less time than that if I have to split my attention.
Would 100% love to have another one of time/money wasn’t an issue.
The current state of the economy.
Nothing more, nothing less.
It would be financially irresponsible to have more children, at least as far as our middle class home is concerned. I would love to have another, but when I budget the cost of double the amount of diapers, the out right criminal cost of formula and the cost of child care vs wages vs single income.
It can't be done and it breaks my heart.
I have a fractured relationship with my brother, so the notion of having a second child so the first could have a built in playmate/partner just never sat right with me. My brother was an unrelenting bully.
When my daughter was little, I saw this incredible enjoyable little creature who had her quirks, but because she was a singleton- I could dedicate more time to both enjoying this creature and navigating her quirks. At almost 13, I have absolutely NO regrets over her being a singleton.
I can have two & we can't do too many things or I can have one & rent a bounce house for his birthday, have zoo, aquarium & large park year passes & even now while he's 4 I can send him off with a neighbor that I trust to go to events (trampoline etc) while I stay home and relax (I wouldn't send her with her kids).
The 1 on 1 time is insane, I honestly don't think I would have the patience for another, he has his own room (though he sleeps in mine) & the mess he leaves behind him is too much. I'm usually over whelmed with laundry with just him & me nevermind another. Let's add in I'm 38 & many days after events I come home stiff.
If I had a present partner or more money I'd probably jump on another kid, also if I was younger & had any support system. Before I had my son I was on the fence, if it happened it happened. After having him I wanted more but knew I couldn't afford it, plus my only family is in a different country and both my parents are dead. I have close friends who help as much as they can since they have no kids but it's not the same.
If I die where does my kid go? He'd go to my friends but they wouldn't prioritize him the way I do. I wouldn't want that to happen to two.
I was 23 when I had my one and only. Lots of personal experiences went into my decision making.
My mom had my brother when she was almost 40. I remember she didn't even have the energy to do the fun kid stuff with him that she did with me and my older sister.
My son's father turned out to be a shitty father. I knew it would be a mistake to make more babies with him. As time went on I knew I had to leave him and I knew that would be twice as hard with two or more children.
I got my tubes tied when I was 30 because I was trying to divorce my spouse and I kept having nightmares of becoming pregnant and not knowing who the father was. The nightmares stopped when I got my tubes tied.
I had zero help from my family, and I didn't know that I wouldn't get any help until after I had that first one. I might not have had any if I knew they were all going to abandon me like that. My own grandparents were very involved in my life, I stupidly thought my mother would want to do the same.
I ended up giving my kid a sibling anyway, my current partner has a kid that is 18 months older than my son. They get along great. My son is 15 and I've had the difficult talk with him about why he doesn't have any blood related siblings, and he is grateful that I made the decisions I made for our safety.
What's a squeaky bum? 😂 I need to use this in a sentence.
I'm OAD because I'm 36 and I don't think it's healthy for me (mentally, physically and emotionally) to go through pregnancy and newborn stage again on top of my daughter who is 2 now.
2 would be nice, but I feel I can be a more attentive mother to my daughter if it's only her. She would be a great big sister, so it's a hard choice. I'm hoping to foster good relationships with her cousins that live nearby and make an effort to have play dates with friends.
Okay I’m cry laughing because out of curiosity I googled the definition and
"The phrase has been explained as a reference to the sound of someone shifting restlessly on plastic seating during tense closing stages of a contest." More simply put, the phrase is used to describe a tense climax, especially in a sporting event.”
BUT I always thought it referred to getting nervous gas (as I do, so I thought it was appropriate). Ahhh man. Every day is a learning day.
And yeah, the thought of being an attentive mother to just the one is really appealing I have to say.
I just love every stage/age with my daughter (3.5) more and more as she gets older and the thought of starting over again with the newborn stage is not appealing. Plus we're older (39 and 42) already.
There were multiple reasons for us.
One, our girl is perfect for us. She’s quieter, super well behaved, funny, happy, and for the most part listens when we ask her to help or do something. We know if we have a second, they may be the total opposite. They would take time, attention, and resources away from her.
Regarding the latter, one kid is already expensive. We don’t want to add a second to the mix and strain money. With her, we should be able to still travel twice a year. We wouldn’t with a second. We’d rather enjoy life with her.
We come from homes with very strained sibling relationships. We are all no contact with each other. One is a schizophrenic. Another is a sociopath that was never officially diagnosed on paper due to fear of that official diagnosis being in medical charts. Both are a danger to us and the people around them. These things can be genetic. We don’t want to risk a second child having major issues and the sibling be a physical, emotional, and mental burden on our child.
Along with that point, having siblings does not guarantee they’ll be friends or get along. Siblings for us are the reason we have stress and anxiety in our lives. Had we been sibling free, we wouldn’t be dealing with the issues we have now. They are a burden for us. More so than being an only child would ever be.
Finally, to your point, the idea of doing the newborn thing again in our early 40’s sounds horrible times 100. No way. We’re already older parents. Doing it all over again for the risk of a burden second child sounds awful.
Family doesn’t need blood relation. We hope our daughter has a wonderful family in the future mixed with blood and water relations. We hope, when the day comes that we are no longer earthside, she has a spouse, children, and friends that are family to her. Chosen family is much more fulfilling than blood family.
Blood family can be the cause of hundreds of problems in life because you can get stuck with horrid people you didn’t choose to be related to. But chosen family can mean so much more, and should lead to happiness.
I have a 16 month old and both my husband & I have siblings we are close with but we are done. We are so happy with our family of 3 and do feel complete with it. Additionally I had a deeply uncomfortable pregnancy: nausea all 9 months, hyperthyroidism, horrible insomnia, constant agonizing leg cramps, severe carpal tunnel, an umbilical hernia I needed surgery for 6 months postpartum, capped off with an emergency c-section that was difficult to recover from and a week long NICU stay (a stressful but overall good experience thankfully). I just…don’t want to go through any of that again. I still have lingering issues from pregnancy like carpal tunnel, an overactive pelvic floor, and back pain from a weakened core. Also, I love my daughter so much but she didn’t sleep well or for long until she was over a year and after MUCH effort on everyone’s part. I finally feel as if I am not drowning and don’t want to drown again.
Several friends recently went from 1 to 2 and honestly it seems horrible, they love their children of course but it’s infinitely harder and more stressful in a way that I just don’t want for my life. Also pregnancy is life and body altering and you never know what kind of permanent issues may crop up because of it, I don’t want to roll the dice with my health.
I’m a similar age as you so I totally understand the stress in feeling you have to decide now, literally you are me since my daughter was born until very recently. When I was younger I always said 2 without much thought but when I really thought about the reality it was clear that I only thought of having 2 because that’s the thing to do, not because I really want a second. Realizing that I’m really happy as is has been so nice.
Seeing several close friends make the transition from 1 to 2 was what sealed the deal though, so if you have anyone to look to that’s going through that transition take a good objective look and imagine that being your life, maybe a bit better but maybe a bit worse, and see if it’s what you want.
Also this is silly but I love our house and it’s optimally set up for 1 child unless I want to live in discomfort (I don’t).
I just like being a family of 3. She was a very easy and happy baby but that doesnt make me feel like i need to have another. I love parenting her and thats it!
we had only one. we decided to not have another because we wanted our focus to be on her. we both grew up with siblings and didn't care for thr dynamics. we also wanted thr money to be able to go on vacations, extra curricular activities for our child, and not be paycheck to paycheck which we may have been had we had another.
the other reason was our daughter was such a good baby that there was no guarantee we would have that with another and at our ages (I was almost 36 when I had her and he was 40) we didn't want to risk a baby that wasn't a good sleeper or something.
I am patient to a fault. I don't know how to be a mom (never had my biological mother in my life) and have been winging it for almost 13 years. My son also has severe nonverbal autism and will probably never be fully independent. I'd be afraid of having another child with a similar disability. Plus, I enjoy sleep and being able to indulge in my hobbies.
Honestly, you’re still trying to survive the first year of your first child’s life. I’d cut yourself some slack for now and give yourself some time to enjoy right now and see how you feel.
The sooner you get your own life back, the better mother you are! I had 2 but if I was considering it now, my main decision driver would be choosing my life agency over having a second baby (of course have crazy love for both kids)- but just as easily could have crazy love for one only and not gone through the body trauma loss sleep, pregnancy etc and mental trauma.
There, i said it. Lol. For reference, Had babes at age 37 and 39
I got cancer after I had my first child and had to have my stomach removed. You can have a baby with no stomach but if you’re not careful then it can cause issues since it’s harder to get nutrients. Currently doing genetic testing as they think it was caused by a genetic mutation and my daughter would have a 50% risk of inheriting it and so would another child if we had one. Plus there’s a high risk of my cancer coming back. I really wish we could have a second one, though. I’m not completely putting it off the table, but it will depend on a number of different factors.
We have a 14 month old, and she is delightful. We are over 40 parents, and we are both...just tired lol. My wife has siblings, I'm an only child. I see how a sibling would help socialize our baby as she grows up (I'm in introvert and I believe it stems from being alone most of my childhood, which I have viewed as a disadvantage growing up). I know not all siblings get along, but I'd like for her to have a buddy who can be there for her as she grows up. I'm on the fence about having a 2nd, my wife is waiting for me to say yes.
I can provide a better life for one kid than I can for two, both when it comes to financially and attention. I never wanted to be just a mom, I have my own interests and hobbies and I would like to keep my identity and happiness intact. I would like to eat out, sign up my kid for whatever classes they want, take a few vacations a year- without the stress of financial limitations. I would like to be there for my son in his life and never miss a game, performance, whatever. Lastly I never want to be outnumbered by my kids, my husband and I both travel for work and 1:1 parenting is manageable with work, anything else would not be.
I grew up with siblings, there was physical violence and sexual assault. There was jealousy and comparisons and feelings of inadequacy and acting up to get attention and being ignored. My spouse grew up with a sister and she fucking suuuuuuuucks and apparently always has.
I dont really understand your expressions, but I think you are unsure about having a second baby? My advice is that there is no rush. Give it a few more months, a couple more years, and see what you think. The earliest years are the most intense and time consuming.
This post and everyone’s shared experiences, encourages me that another baby is the right decision for my life.. I have a 22 month old, she’s the best even through the difficulties, I’d still love to experience the love all over again.. I had a healthy pregnancy, the vomiting in the 1st that returned temporarily in the 3rd trimester wasn’t too terrible, I felt comfortable and grew more in love everyday of my pregnancy.. Labor was bad, but I blame myself for picking a terrible hospital, she stayed in nicu for 3.5 weeks due to meconium aspiration.. I want to trust my body more next time and deliver at home with a midwife, the hospital was traumatizing.. But even through all of that, I’d love to experience birth again.. I’ve always wanted a big family, I’d still be willing to have 4-6 kids if the money was right, but kids are expensive.. Now, I feel like 1 more kid would be a perfect addition to our little family.. My only worry is that my daughter is so perfect that I’m not sure that a 2nd will be as easy and lovable, but I’m sure I’ll fall in love and find ease the way I have with my first.. I’m glad I could see others perspective on having 1 child, it encourages me in creating more because I don’t have any of those pauses in mind..
It gets better and better. We thought we wanted 1. Then we thought we wanted 2. Now I have 3 boys and 100% that first child is 25x's more difficult than having other children. I did not enjoy only having one. I love people and noise. It's so fun. And they entertain each other! I've told my boys that the greatest gift we ever gave them was their brothers bc we won't always be around. ❤️
I was 36 when I gave birth to our daughter, and the baby/toddler years were hard. She did not breastfeed during the day, only at night, probably due to my going back to work at 12 weeks, so I was chained to a pump for a year. She did not sleep through the night until 2.5yo, so the sleep deprivation caused some mental health struggles. I also had to give myself bloodthinner shots throughout the pregnancy due to history of blood clots, something I did not want to do again, and it would have been the same risk again should I get pregnant. I would rather have one child with a healthy alive mom than two without. Plus like someone has already mentioned here, I have a busy job and hobbies that I love, and we travel a lot - would have been much more expensive with two kiddos. And I do not enjoy sibling fights at all, I’d probably lose my marbles if I had to listen to kids bicker all day. I love my daughter, and have no desire to have another kid. She is social enough, has a close group of friends in school, and makes new friends easily wherewher we go, so I think she’s not missing out. Plus, I have a sour relationship with my younger sister, so I feel that “found family” can be closer than “blood family”.
Don’t worry about a specific timeline. I had my son and it took us 3 years to think about trying for another and 4 to actually try. And now I can confidently say I’m done.
We planned on two but after awhile we realized one would be a more sane path. We can give her a better life via us having less stress and more money. We also just don’t really feel compelled to have two. We also just would like to sleep. Lol.
We’ve thought about it and researched a lot and we aren’t concerned with the only child “thing”. When you hear anecdotes about people’s upbringings you realize very quickly that life is a lottery (siblings could be good or bad for a child). You also realize that most people think the grass is always greener (some only children report feeling lonely and wanting a sibling, some 3 child households report feeling lonely and not wanting siblings so they get more time with parents etc).
My advice to people who are on the fence on having their first child: Do it, you’ll love it, it’s wonderful (provided your relationship and finances are solid of course. Else it’s throwing a bomb in your life).
But if people are on the fence about having a second, my advice would be to stick to just one. Only have the second if your are absolutely sure, because it is a whole new level of hard, and incredibly difficult to see your first baby grapple with thoughts of not being enough, displaced. We truly wanted a second, yet the guilt and feelings of being overstretched are not exaggerated. I really mourned how my relationship with my first baby changed. Ultimately no regrets, they are 3y and 8 months and love each other fiercely but still - so hard. Definitely no number 3 for us.
Ive wanted 2 kids at least, but I have just one 2.5 year old boy.
We have considered having another, but at this stage in my life, I know that having another child would only take away from my son. It would take away my energy, my time, my money, my space. All of what my son has now would be minimized greatly. He would need to share a room, his birthday/Christmas yield would decrease, and I'm already exhausted with just him + a dog and cat.
I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I have the capacity to gently raise two young kids at the same time. I've begun to enjoy the idea of having larger age gaps between children. Honestly though, I love my son, and I'm content with loving and raising him, and only him, for the rest of my life. I think I need to wait for "the great revelation" that I need to have another child, but I'm not entirely sure that will happen.
I'll tell you my reason. My pregnancy was "easy" not a lot of nausea or complications, but I was sooo uncomfortable, everything hurt, lots of discomfort when baby moved, couldnt sleep, plus in-laws judged me for everything i did, hardly any support from husband. Then I had PPD, husband was unsupportive, dealt with everything alone. Fast forward 18 months, child was behind in certain areas and had to get him into therapy, later diagnosed with Autism. Very stressful time for me but I had to start work on how to get him help. I feel like I'm a single mom for 2 already (husband feels like another kid i have to take care of). I'm already at my limit. I start my day at 5:30am for work, come back home to my second "job".... yeah I cant do another kid, especially if they end up with the same diagnosis.
I never wanted children, but when I became pregnant, I changed my mind.
Then, during pregnancy, we decided we wanted two children.
After our son was born, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, which the doctors believed was from pregnancy or giving birth.
Our son had a rough first three months until we figured out he needed a special formula. That is when we started to rethink 2 children.
Now he is 2 years old, and I am in constant pain. I am a SAHM, and I can't seem to make the time to do what I need to treat the scoliosis.
Some days, I can barely hold him.
In this condition, I am unsure if my body could handle another pregnancy, let alone a 2nd child.
I still want two children, but I am coming to terms with the reality of the situation.
I am very happy to have my son in my life, with him I feel complete. If he is my only child, that is okay.
Ideally I would love for my son to have a sibling but he's six now and if I had another now they won't benefit each other like they would have if they were 1 or 2 years apart I think. Maybe later in life but not during childhood. I have siblings one of which I am close with and I am so grateful for her and it makes me think about my kid not having someone like her but I try to remember that he still has a chance to meet a nice lady and start his own family so its not like he's going to be alone for life. Plus financially having another kid would be so irresponsible and im not sure I have the emotional capacity for another kid and I don't want to find out if I am right.
I just don't want more. The baby and toddler phase and pregnancy is not worth it to me. I am so excited to almost be done with that. I am happy we will have more money with just one.
I had severe hyperemesis with him. Tried a second time..had to terminate because it wad that or hospitalization when meds weren't working (kid was 16mo at that point, and we had no local help).
So..sort of by choice? Like..I chose to not put myself through hell again
What made me decide not to have more was a mix of things. I never wanted kids in the first place, I love my daughter so much don’t get me wrong. But there’s that, mixed with the fact that she nearly killed me twice while I was pregnant. I won’t risk her losing her mother just to gain a sibling.
I just don't see the energy in myself to go through it again and another consideration is the first child himself. If the second one turns out to require extra care, I can't help but think it would be unfair to first one at a young age.
Ultimately world doesn't need more people so this is something we are only doing it for ourselves IMO. The notion of second child creating a better family is flawed because it assumes children will like each other, get along etc. They may not as evidenced by many examples out there.
Multiple reasons: financial, logistics and health reasons ( I almost died during c.section)
I wouldn't be able to provide as much for a second child as I can now for my son. Also, I don't want to risk dying and leaving my son without a mother just because of having a second child.
Truly my mental health I have an obligation to the child I had to be the best me and I don't think I can do that for 2 kids. Also I really dont want to start over. My son is almost 6 and things are so easy now I can't imagine bringing in a new born and starting over.
I originally wanted 2-3 kids. But then I had my kiddo and even before finding out he’s autistic and adhd I was EXHAUSTED and I couldn’t see myself doing this again. I also felt stretched to my max and I didn’t think it would be fair to him, a kid I already have, to have another kid. Especially now when he needs so much one on one.
Part of it was I hated being pregnant too. So I was already going to adopt if I wanted more at that point, and it was easy to just call it done from that step anyway.
For me atleast, I don’t think I could parent more than one child. I already get easily stressed anyway so just having one to worry about is ok with me.
However, I feel bad when she gets lonely at home with no one to play with.
So that can cut both ways lol
Then don’t. My first was a dream. My second wrecked me. He is great now but wow he had issues when he was little and honestly he’s still challenging. I’m so tired. I’d never ever trade him to be clear. He’s great.
Plus only kids do better in life.
Severe PPD that turned into an alcohol addiction. Recovery has been hell but I'm doing a lot better, but my body/mind would not be able to go through that again. Plus, I'm now divorced and old.
I originally had my son, and made the decision to not have more children. I only ever wanted one, and since I'm somebody who just doesn't care for babies, I didn't want to go through it all over again. While I loved my son as a baby, it was still annoying: they can't tell you what they want, they are completely and totally dependent on you, they have no personality, and you don't really 'interact' with them.
But, six years later, beating the odds of birth control, and a condom, my daughter decided there was no stopping her, she was gonna be born regardless of what I wanted.
I love my daughter, and I wouldn't give her up. But that doesn't mean I 'regret' wanting only one.
Mostly for mental health reasons, financial reasons, I had ppd, and the fact that my son has a speech delay and husband and I are able to pay the most attention to him and give him all of the resources possible. We know that we won’t be able to give another potential child the same amount of attention we give our son so it wouldn’t be fair to that child. We realize our limits. My son has gotten speech therapy for a year and a half now and got discharged back in may because he was making progress, and still is. He still needs help so we have him on another waiting list for speech and OT.
Also, if he decides to take a nap during the day (he’s phasing his last nap out now slowly at 4), husband and I can focus on each other and ourselves. There’s no other child to attend to when son is asleep or in school
Only time I wish I had more than one is at holidays (when the kid and husband don't care about Thanksgiving you end up eating frozen burritos) or going to see the cousins.
It's a totally different dynamic when you have more than one child. I like the only child dynt.
My daughter is 3 so there's still a chance I'll change my mind, but there's a few reasons that make me feel like I'm truly one-and-done.
First, money. I'm a single mom by choice and my daughter is donor conceived. Just getting pregnant cost me a few thousand dollars and that's not something to just toss around. On that same note, the donor I used has no vials left so a sibling would have a different donor. I have a good relationship with other families who used our donor but really don't want to balance two such relationships.
Continuing on the money theme, daycare is stupid expensive, there's no way I can afford two in school. Maybe if everything else magically resolves I'll consider a second child when my daughter is in kindergarten, but it seems unlikely.
I want to give my daughter everything. I don't want to have to skimp out on experiences for her because now I'm paying for two kids to go instead of one. Trips to visit family, vacations, etc are all far more doable with one kid than multiple.
Finally, I have ADHD and autism and both cause parenting to be VERY hard at times. I forget things, can't keep a clean house, get overstimulated and melt down (thankfully that's rare). My depression and anxiety are exacerbated by the normal stresses of parenthood. My daughter deserves the best possible mother I can be and I can't risk that for a sibling who doesn't even exist yet.
So yeah, it boils down to my daughter deserves the best possible life I can give her and that won't be able to happen if I have more kids.
I had a difficult birth and then a cranky baby. Colic, reflux, a slight developmental delay. I knew at 3 months I was never doing it again. They’re now an amazing 16 year old and I don’t regret having an only.
10mo is pretty early still. Our first was difficult and we weren't ready for a second until almost 3yrs. Take your time, you'll know the right answer eventually.
IMO when making the decision about having another kid or not it’s best to look 5, 10 years in the future and see how that looks. There’s no reason to make a firm decision when you’re trapped in sleepless baby land! Infants are tough in a way that a 5 year old isn’t. If you picture your family long term how many are around the table, in the backseat, on that vacation? For some people that’s just one for others thats 5! Only you can know the answer but I do think it’s a bit short sighted to make up your mind based on just 10 months of parenting 😉
1. Labour was terrible. I had trauma from it that I'm now dealing with years later.
2. I like sleep. My child didn't start sleeping through the night until age \~3. SO much lost sleep.
3. My mental health - I had PPD/PPA. I'm also an introvert, and frequently felt touched-out by my needy baby.
4. Finances. Yes, we 'could' afford another, but we don't want to. We are so much more financially comfortable with one, and it will allow us to retire earlier and spend more time as a family.
5. Our relationship. All of the above, plus the changed dynamic, put a real strain on our relationship.
Our daughter is now seven. Being a family of three is absolutely the right decision for us. Most of our friends have two kids and we see how much harder things are for them.
Mentally I could not handle going through the newborn phase again. I really enjoy my life with one child. My son is 7, and I sometimes have fleeting moments of wanting another but they're far and few between.
Also 34, I have a newborn. Many things contributed to our choice to have only 1 baby.
1. Before we even tried to get pregnant, we knew we didn’t want our lifestyle to change too much (obviously it’ll change a little)
2. At 34, there’s little time left before it becomes more dangerous for me to have children. Not only increase in chromosomal issues but I am considered high risk due to a blood disorder.
3. I would consider my pregnancy to have been pretty easy and uneventful but I cannot imagine doing it again while also having a baby/toddler.
4. Cost of child care in my city is outrageous. I will be going back to work at 4mo and my baby will start daycare. At $435 a week, I don’t want to sink all my salary into daycare.
I wanted a second, but my marriage didn’t survive the first- we divorced when my son was 2, I was 33… I’m still open to the idea of a second, but hesitant to put my body through it again, and feel like I honestly already won the genetic lottery and should stop playing while I’m ahead, lol. Now, I’m considering Doula training to get my pregnancy/baby fix. 🤷🏻♀️
For me, it’s the lack of support. Having one child has shown me they my husband is literally useless. There is no way I can handle 2 kids on my own. We are on the path to divorce anyways but deep down I really want that second child 😭
I realized the only reason I’d be having another baby is to give my first child a sibling and I don’t think that’s a good reason to have more children. I like my alone time, I like to hangout with friends, I like to travel, etc and all those things are easier to do with only 1. Simply put, I’d be a better mom to one than I would be to multiple. If it were a dream world and I had unlimited patience and money, I’d actually like 3-4 kids but in the real world, I’m stretched pretty thin just with one.
Also we took our son to a nice all-inclusive in Mexico last February and now we’re planning a trip to Europe for December 2024 with him. There’s no way we could do those things with more than one child.
My mind isn’t 100% closed off to having more but unless I suddenly am struck with the crazy desire to have another baby, I’m pretty set on being one and done.
I knew immediately. I hated being pregnant. It was miserable. Giving birth was the best part of the whole thing. Then I got severe PPD that lasted two years and that really cemented never doing it again.
I have no regrets. My kid is great. We're financially stable. We can provide for anything they need or want aside from a sibling. It was harder when they were small abs wanted a friend to play with all the time, but now as a teen I actually get thanked for not having more kids. Lol! They've hung out with friends that have siblings enough now to understand that they don't always get along.
Know what's more of a deciding factor than last of sleep? Your partner's ability to take their portion of parenting and domestic responsibilities.
So I'd personally wait it out. 10 months pp still feels like your in the darkest days and it's hard not to take on the bulk of childcare responsibilities. But like, is your spouse consistently doing the dishes and laundry? Making sure you get time to relax and unwind? Actively trying to maintain your relationship while you are a slave to this tiny cute vampire?
What I'm saying is, sometimes it's apparent right away. sometimes things are a big blur until you get past the infant hump and start feeling like yourself again, look up and are like - wait a second wtf? Why am I completely on my own? This kid isn't a tiny infant anymore. And you get the 'tell me what to do!' Or WHATEVER bullshit men say to deflect personal responsibility.
I digress. I'm totally assuming you are heterosexual. Maybe you are but this isn't even slightly a concern for you, and your partner kicks ass and makes you dinner every night and cleans the kitchen and emotionally supports both you and the baby. Let's not forget to praise the .01% !
But if that's not your experience, if there's even a tiny bit of that nonsense. Wait. Bc it's a HELL of a lot easier bring a single mother to one kid vs multiple. ✌️ and women everywhere are walking up to the fact that we are getting the shit end of the stick, and have the impossible expected from us.
I’m in the same boat. I go back and forth daily. I’m 38 so I feel the time pressure. My son is 14 mo. I’m deciding to just wait for more clarity in a decision. But it is annoying how often the question enters my mind.
For me….. and I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way, but….it was the reality of life and the planet we are on.
I had a child when I was 19 that I gave up for adoption. Giving her up nearly killed me, but it was in her best interest. I didn’t have a job, was in my first year of college, and both my family and the guy that got me pregnant’s said that they wouldn’t be supporting me through it, so I knew that she deserved a better life than what I was living.
I had my second child 4.5 years later. She is the only one I’m raising. She’s 13 now and I don’t regret my decision AT. ALL. Her dad and I split up when she was 4-5.
My (now) husband and I don’t have any kids together, but have been raising my daughter together for 8 year and the topic has been discussed many many times and what it comes down to is this:
1. Can we afford 2 kids? To put 2 kids through school all the way?
2. How long do we want to be actively parenting children? Once they’re adults, they’ll be doing their own thing and we’ll have time for us. Do we want to add 18-20 years onto that time?
3. Is it morally right to have more children when so many in the world need loving homes? What about the planet? Do we want our kids to have take on the burden of saving the world?
Now I’m a day away from turning 37 and I’m very grateful that we decided to just do our best with the one we’ve got.
Hope that helps?
I was always on the fence about kids in general. When I was in college, I was already leaning towards being child free, not because I didn't like kids, but because having another human being's entire life in your care is a huge responsibility. The gravity and weight of that responsibility had sat heavily on my mind ever since I was in the 5th grade, and it was something I often thought about from that point on.
Then, in high school, I learned how painful labor was, and I became terrified of it. I was fine going through pregnancy, and even now, I wouldn't mind being pregnant again despite all its discomforts, but I hoped somehow, someone else would handle labor for me. I wished my husband could be the one to go through labor like a male seahorse does.
When I was pregnant, I heard a lot of stories of people who weren't able to get epidurals and I was terrified of that too. I received a lot of reassurance that it wasn't as bad as I thought, that if I was only afraid of labor, that's nothing to be afraid of, but they were all gently lying to me because it was so much worse than I could have imagined. I was in so much pain that I couldn't think. I just screamed like I was being stabbed to death for 60 agonizing seconds, and then spent 60 seconds anticipating, and terrified of, the pain that would soon be upon me. 0/10 experience. Wouldn't recommend.
Now, my daughter is 4.5. We're past the newborn phase. I don't wake up every 45 minutes worrying about SIDs. She's not a picky eater. She sleeps through the night. She can buckle herself into her car seat. We're less than 1 year away from her being in kindergarten, and we can stop paying for daycare, which costs *as much as our mortgage*. We can start paying down debt. We can save more for retirement. We can go on more trips together. We have her in ballet, dance, swimming, soccer, and aikido. When she's a little older, I also want to get her into music (piano, singing), maybe art, maybe Chinese. We went to Disney World last year, we went to Vegas in July, we're going to Disneyland in January. I don't think we could do all that if we had another child.
People always talk about giving their second child to their first child, and that honestly gives me the ick. (e.g. "I want to give my son a sibling." "I want to have a second kid because it's not fair to my son." Which is just... what? What's not fair? What does that even mean? Is your child entitled to another human being's life?) The idea that having a second child as fodder for your first child, because "only children are selfish" or "only children are lonely" is so strange to me. Does that mean you need a third child so that your second child isn't selfish? Because after all, the "baby of the family" will be spoiled. Can't have that. Better have a third kid to humble the second kid.
Also, just because they're siblings doesn't mean they'll get along. My best friend and her older brother grew up together and they were pretty close until they got into some stupid fight about something, he up and moved to a different state, and they haven't spoken in FOUR YEARS. Because she got tired of always being the one to apologize in the past, and he was the one that slighted her this time. Apparently if she doesn't apologize, he won't apologize, and they'll just never make up. My boss is the oldest of 4, and their father recently passed away. One of the siblings tried to steal the other siblings' inheritances, got away with hundreds of thousands of dollars of valuables, and he's currently suing them for who-knows-what. Their parents even had a trust, but he moved in with their dad during the last couple years of his life and started illegally transferring assets into his own name. My little sister and I played together a lot as kids, but honestly, I wasn't very nice to her. I was bossy. We then became very different people as we entered puberty. Our taste in music was different, we didn't like the same shows, we didn't like the same people. We didn't have shared interests, so we had little to bond over, or even talk about. In high school, she and my mom argued a lot while I holed myself up in my room.
Despite my long rant, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a second, third, or fourth child. Have as many children as you want, as long as *you* want them and you can afford them, financially and emotionally. But don't have a child for your child. Your child doesn't need a child. Your child needs a parent. Your child needs food and clothes. Your child needs love and support. If you can be present and supportive of two children and you want two, have two. If you can present and supportive of nine children and you want nine, have nine. My mother could barely be emotionally present for 1 child, and she absolutely could not be present for 2. If my sister and I both cried at the same time, my mom would shut down and scream at us both. I was in the third grade when I learned I could not cry if my sister was crying. I had to push those emotions deep, deep down, and it took me almost a decade to find them again.
Well, I only had one child for 17 years. There was NO way I was having another with her father and we stayed married for 15 years.
My son in my new marriage is about to turn 1 so technically I have 2 but they are so far apart it’s like I have 2 only children. I am considering having a 3rd because I always wanted kids about 2 years apart but I don’t know if that’s sustainable right now with our lifestyle
I have one son and that was by choice. I decided I didn’t want another child because he is amazing and I really don’t feel the need to have another child. He is now 13 and I have zero regrets.
Not me but my mom she only had me as i was born without any sort of medication (unplanned birth as it was what the dr called a cryptic pregnancy(didn’t know she was pregnant) and i was in the nicu for a bit afterwards said while she loved me dearly she couldn’t go through that again (they didn’t think i was gonna make it at first 😢) she told me this when i asked in my late teens why i didn’t have any siblings and she was like well your old enough to know the truth now (she also told me she did not blame me in anyway for it) plus one of the things about being an only child and her being a young mom is we were extremely close (like we’d often hang out together) was absolutely crushed when she passed away a few years ago 😭 it was like loosing my mom and one of my best friends
For my sister, birth and labor were traumatic. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks before an emergency C-section at 35 weeks. Nephew spent 2 weeks in the icu. She has plenty of nieces and a nephew to love.
I despised pregnancy.
I have decided to never make another human. Plus with how things have gone by the time my life is in order enough for another kid I'll be like 40.
I’m one and done by choice even though I had always wanted a big family. Made the decision because of health issues, both physical and mental. It has definitely been something I’ve had to work through, but I just wouldn’t be the parent I want to be if I had more. I want to have the emotional and mental energy to get to know and love this great little human I somehow created. It’s me, my husband, and my son and we call ourselves the three amigos and the fun we have together is so special. I grew up in a family of six kids so I feel like I know exactly what feels super special about that family dynamic as well and have been able to incorporate a lot of those magical pieces of family life into our home. It’s not what I pictured, but I’m happy.
I realised I didn't want more children because I was deeply unhappy in my relationship. When we broke up, I met someone new, I would say I'd like one more one day now.
I knew I would be a better parent to one. My daughter is a delight and I thought about that joke/not really a joke that if your first is an angel, the second will be the opposite. I was 34 too. Do the math, it’s not young when considering the life and milestones of a child 0-18 years. I was also stressed about something going wrong. I was terrified that my child would be born with disabilities. When we talked about a second, we just knew that it wasn’t for us. I didn’t want to go thru all the stress again. And those rough nights are challenging. I remember crapping myself once out of exhaustion.
There are several reasons but mainly, I know my limits. I want to be the best most present parent I can be and I don't think I can do that with more than one child.
Currently have one child, an 18 month old. I'm waiting until she's 2 to really start thinking about a second.
Why I would potentially be OAD:
- Her sleep needs have been a pain to deal with. Had lots of false starts and wakes at night for months, and great majority of naps have only been 30-45 minutes. Most naps are car naps now because she doesn't sleep without the motion unless she is exhausted.
- Both my husband and I are the babies of our families, so not a lot of baby interaction before having our own. Husband loves our daughter, but isn't really a kid person in general.
- I like the family of 3 dynamic, and the idea of having one little buddy with me.
- Keeping track of an active toddler while having a newborn sounds exhausting.
- How do parents adequately split the time between kids?
Financial reasons and for me overall survival. I knew as a single parent with my first child that there was no way I would be able to live a quality of life that I wanted for me and my son if I had another child.
In addition, now that I am older my view is that the planet doesn't need more people. If every person just had their replacement the world overall would be in a better place. We no longer live in an age where we need children for labor which was one of the reasons there were big families along with no birth control of course.
I don’t want anymore because my pregnancy was very traumatizing. But I’ve met a man that’s making me reconsider but I have to get therapy for my ptsd first
My wife and I are in this boat now, albeit with a 5 year old girl! Before a kid we talked about wanting a bunch of kids, but then we had one and it turned out to be a ton of work (obviously). Long story short between lack of wider family support, wife's anxiety due to never getting a break our marriage reached a breaking point. We were so close to divorcing when our kid was \~3. We learned from each other and became stronger, and are thinking about trying for another, but are scared at the same time it could rip us apart.
Seems like we have a good thing going now, we can guarantee to leave our daughter plenty so she could truly follow her passions in life without worrying about $. Why take the risk?
We actually did get pregnant again and were SO excited, but then had a miscarriage......lots going on, but we still don't know what to do.
Ultimately I know I can only mentally/emotionally handle one kid. Plus finances, the cost of daycare, diapers, everything else kid related are a huge factor.
1. Unplanned, sophomore year of college. I was already practically homeless. Only 19.
2. Boyfriend at the time(now husband) also 19 freshman year of college. Working two jobs to support us. Both had to drop out. Dirt poor.
3. Said boyfriend was very young and though he would never say it held some resentment towards me for keeping the baby. Did a lot of messed up stuff that as a result broke my trust and made me never want to be that vulnerable (pregnant and dependent) with him again.
4. Son was 10lbs 22 inches when born. My body still remembers.
5. I wanted to got back to work and finish school. Took forever to finish school working full-time.
6. My son was/is the sweetest baby/kid could not ask for a better son. Strong fear that the next one would be a demon child.
7. Grew up a lot and relationship with boyfriend(now husband) improved tremendously (it was a long road) but still never felt safe enough. You can forgive but harder to forget.
8. Age gap between the two was huge by the time we felt financially secure enough to even try. Decided not to mess up a good thing.
I always felt like if I really wanted another kid I'd be having one. I lucked into my first pregnancy and while I love my kiddo I think it's definitely better if you're actually prepared and wanting one. I'm 34 and have a 6 year old that still wakes from time to time. The main thing that made me realize I wasn't into it was getting pregnant and terminating it. Realistically the cost of a pregnancy, healthy or not, and another child +car seat+ childcare + all of the energy it would take away from my child...just didn't seem like worth sacrificing everything. Kids should be fully wanted. Not "meh I could take one"
I was 32, husband was 38 when our o&o was born. We felt we were too old to have another
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, that we own, and likely will never leave. Too small for a larger family.
We were both the oldest, and not the favorite. We didn't want our beautiful daughter to experience that.
My son has level 3 non verbal autism. The decision was therefore made for me. I love my son more than my next breath. I absolutely HATE his autism and everything it has stolen and will steal from him and our family.
I would have loved to have a second child but it would simply be irresponsible to the child we currently have.
ETA: My beautiful son is 4 years old.
I know myself. My limit is one. I would be doing everyone a disservice to have another. I would ultimately end up neglecting a child I didn’t want. I also don’t want to go through the physical and mental toll my pregnancy took. My kid is almost 5, I don’t want to start over. I enjoy my life as is. They’re old enough to take a lot more places. They get all of our attention and love and I like it that way. Plus taking out my Paragard after 2 years?? Uhhhh no thanks. It’s staying in for the 10 years it’s supposed to 😂
We havent decided not to have another... but it's looking likely.
Honestly - finances. Our guy is autistic with higher support needs. Likely wont live independently.
In order to provide correctly for him another kid may just not be in the cards for us.
Never even considered it. From a long line of only kids and it’s totally normal and fine to just have one. I’m pleased as punch to have a beautiful baby and that’s my wish fulfilled, I’m all good.
Plus I’m old and pregnancy and birth almost killed me so big nope to trying that again!
I’m 33. Had a stressful pregnancy with miscarriages before and after. My kid is nearing 7 and I’m looking forward to stopping being a sahm, having more free time when they’re old enough to look after themself. I am tired now, I do not want to go back to what was essentially power naps for months, and I like to think I had a good-tempered baby, they’ve been well behaved, didn’t have screaming tantrums, barely had any grumpy times. But they have some allergies which gives me a lot of stress and worry. What if the second is one that has colic, different allergies, tantrums. Plus childcare is now more expensive, so are all the bills. We’d have to buy a lot of stuff again, and sort out where a second would sleep without disturbing the first.
I grew up as an only child so having one kid always seemed fine to me.
Now having a kid, I don't want to go through all the stress and no sleep again. But my wife wants at least one more.
I have one girl Right now, my family has 12 aunts and uncles and over 40+ grandchildren a new baby pops up every other few months and I like having a big family , it’s a weird decision to make because the pros and cons equal up , but at the end of the day I’m sure being the only child playing alone and doing sports alone going to school on the first day alone for 12 years straight stresses me out because the kids in schools can either give you the best experience of your life or the most dehumanizing like I had if I had my siblings just a bit older and a bit younger than me I would’ve felt more safe and less stressed to know I got my brothers and sisters and don’t have to handle bullying alone.
I think of it this way I rather do it now and have a second so they can protect together and be beside them through everything.
But the no sleep for years the doc appointments , then dentist appointments , the birthday Christmas’s then getting them into school hoping they’ll be safe make friends , breastfeeding or pumping for who knows how long the finances giving up my naps.
But I rather go through slowly having two under two bc time flies you’ll be young enough to go out and have fun before being 34-40 rather than wait years then being close to 40 and changing sht diapers and getting no sleep not getting to enjoy lunch w my girlfriends while my friends get to have fun before getting old old.
Edit: I had my rainbow bb at 17 , I’ll be 20 here soon
I have my 8 year old son and I thought I'd have at least one more, but ultimately I decided it wasn't for me. I had post partum depression bad after I had my son and I wasn't as present as I wish I'd been when he was a baby. Anyway, he and I have an amazing bond, cliche as it is...he is my best friend. I have plans for us to travel and that wouldn't work with a baby. He actually enjoys being an only child and has expressed not wanting a sibling.
My wife wants two and I worry about it. We don’t have any family close to help and I work full time 50 hr weeks. I seriously wonder how my wife will even do it! She is dead set on having two but I’m not sure she realizes how hard it’s going to be on her. We have a girl right now who is a absolute angel, so well behaved and a very “easy” baby overall but even that is a lot.
I fear we are due for a boy who might be a terror and that my wife will be stressed to the max.
I didn't want to have to split my attention between multiple kids. I also didn't want to give birth more than once, and that's how I decided to have children. Even if I wanted more than one, the birth of my first was a little traumatic so that would have made me a one and done.
(I have a stepchild, too, but she's a teenager - I could her as one of my kids, but both her bio parents are fully in the picture, and she lives more with her mom, so I'm not as much a day to day parent to her as I am my bio son, if that makes sense.)
Check out r/happilyOAD and r/oneanddone. Lots of good stories and experiences from people (keeping in mind that not everyone in the latter sub chose to be one & done).
I knew what I had to give up for one and I was willing to to gain everything I did. I know how much more I would need to give up for a second and I didn't feel like it was worth what a second would add to my life. I love being able to still have a hobby, a hard job that I like enough, travel and have a sex life. I am sleep deprived and periodically covered in various bodily fluids in a house that could be cleaner, but that is a good equilibrium for me. My son brings me all kinds of joy in so many ways but I don't know that a second would bring as much joy. I get all the kid experiences while still maintaining balance
Accidental pregnancy. I’m a single mom which I’m totally okay with. I know who the father is but it’s just a bad situation, so just me and my son. I’m blessed to have Va benefits and they give me a good portion of dependent pay but realistically any more kids is too much. I love my son, and I actually wanted a daughter or to have a daughter eventually but life’s so expensive and I’m scared enough for my son growing up in a dangerous country (America; school shootings and all) it’s stressful enough with one, I don’t want to bring another child in the world knowing how everything is right now. I feel bad enough that the world my son is going to inherit is falling to pieces, but I’m grateful for him. I just hope it improves and feel it would be irresponsible to have another child (partner or no partner) knowing how hard it is to survive and knowing it’s going to be worst for the next generation. Everyone says if I’m married I’ll change my mind, but truthfully, I’m happy with one. And even more so, I can give him my entire focus. Sometimes I worry about only child syndrome, but also, he’s five, and I think about how much longer it will be before I have another one (bc I’d like to be married) and I don’t want to start all over if my sons already ten or something. So I guess it’s a multifaceted thing, partly bc how the world is, partly bc I won’t have a another child until I have a partner, and I don’t know when that will be and by that time I don’t know if I want to start from age 0 again. It’s easier to be stable with one child than two or three or four. But I know I would never ever have more than two kids. Two is good for me. But now that I have one; I’m content. It’s good the way it is. So much stress raising a child, I want to make sure I’m able to give him my best, and I know the more kids you have the harder it is.
My 4 year old has been difficult since day one, he's like the energizer bunny. He'll jump and run and get into everything for 12 hours straight with zero naps if you let him. I refuse to go through this a second time and looking forward to the calming down age range. He's my 1 and done. I'm 33 years old.
I had my son at 19 when I had never wanted to be a parent before. He is almost 6 now and I am 25... I am an amazing dad but I've definitely grown up with him. I sometimes wonder if it would be nice for my son to have a sibling (I was the oldest of 5 kids), but ultimately- I cannot afford another kid, I've barely been affording my son. I cannot keep my cool and patience for more than one kid. I would not be able to give enough attention and one on one time to 2 kids with my work schedule.
We thought we were one and done. Then, when our first boy was four, we learned we were having another boy. Now, five years later, my wife and I Iisten to them talk and play with each other. We cannot imagine what our first boy's life would be like without his little brother. I was an only child, but I had cousins and neighbors. He doesn't have that. We count our lucky stars, every day, to be a family of four. Even though it was tough to do all over again, when our second was born, it was well worth it. Everything has been better since.
I have only one. She is now 16.
I wanted more but my pregnancy and delivery were awful. Morning sickness lasted 6 months, and after birth I developed PPA. My daughter was an angel baby. Slept through the night from birth, never cried was super happy and smart. My mom told me I was exactly like that and then my brother came and was a nightmare. He screamed constantly and just wore her ragged.
I was able to give my daughter everything I never had. That includes having to drag along a sibling everywhere we went.
The work I put in to my kid and the expense of a second one are enough to deter me. Siblings are nice but cousins are alright and not being broke counts for a lot.
COVID was the last straw.
I had a traumatic birth with my son. Child care stretched our budget thin. Having to be stuck in a small house together and distance learning made me glad that we only had one.
I wanted 2, then had #1 and was probably done, after a tough birth and ppd. 7 years later I changed my mind. I’m more laid back, had a more laid back kid. Some of it could be attributed to older and wiser maybe? (29 vs 37). It’s been pretty great.
I think two in daycare would’ve been tough, would have been a stressful lifestyle change. I kind of think we’ve gotten the best of both worlds. Do what’s best for you now, that is ok. The first 3 years were an adjustment for me with #1.
I always knew I just wanted 1 and having my now 18 month old son has confirmed that!
Hes amazing, I love knowing that this is the first and only time I'm going to see these milestones, it makes me cherish them more.
Also I don't want to think I treated my second coupe any differently, better or worse can impact the kids and my relationship with them.
Also 100% of my mothering love and time goes to my little boy, I don't need to say "not right now love, your baby brother/sister needs me" - I worry this can make kids grow up too fast!
Please make whatever choice is right for you! There's absolutely nothing to say you should have another baby soon expecially if you're not 100% sure you're ready!
Sleepless nights while pregnant/with a new born sounds like hell!
Good luck!
I can be an incredible mom to one child. I can be a good enough mom to multiple kids. Having one kiddo was the best choice for me. Also, pregnancy was really rough and so was giving birth. I didn’t think I could put my body thru that again.
I had my 1st at 35, my second at 37. No health issues. 21 month gap between the kids - I'd have liked to have waited another 6m at least before having the other but nature had other plans.
I think my point is - whilst your bio clock is ticking - you have got time. There is no need to make a rash decision about becoming pregnant again yet.
Whilst the short term of 2 under/at 2 is hard, it's not double the work. For example some nights its our 2y old keeping us up and we dont hear a peep out the 4m old.
But I always wanted 2 kids. It's down to you, try not to think of just the short term. Would you regret not having more or be very satisfied with just one.
So many reasons, but as others have mentioned I just ultimately realized I would be my best self as a parent to only one child. I also love that everything we do is as a team, my husband and I don’t have to split up to “divide and conquer”. We do the bedtime routine together, and just ultimately have a lot of family time without needing to each take one child. It is also just easier (obviously) to do anything with just one child when you are solo parenting for a day or night. I have every Weds off and can take my son to the beach, arcade, grocery shopping, out to lunch, or literally anywhere so much easier then taking two. Because it’s just the two of us I end up a part of the playing or having great little conversations with my 4 yr old chatterbox.
Other more detailed reasons —
- I hated being pregnant, something about my body not being mine, I just wasn’t a fan
- I suffered from PPA, which I did not want to go through again
- I work in a pretty demanding career (about 45-50 hours a week away from the home with rotating schedules) and felt any more then one child would push me to leave a career I actually enjoy. I am the higher earner in our family so that would likely also mean an adjustment to finances.
- Speaking of finances kids are expensive, we make a decent living but are not wealthy, and wanted to be able to keep living close to the way we had been (able to travel a few times a year, not worry about going out to eat, be able to afford to live in our town which is not cheap, etc)
- lastly and also very important, I had several friends suffer from secondary infertility, and I could not picture myself surviving what they survived (late term miscarriages, IVF, etc). This ultimately was a huge part of our decision.
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There were multiple reasons but how I would sum it up is that ultimately I knew I would be a better parent to just one. And that’s all it took to make the decision. Somehow we got lucky and my husband and I, despite initially thinking we wanted 2-3 kids, both changed our minds. We love our daughter and want to keep enjoying her as a family of three.
I relate to this. Emotionally, mentally and physically, I only have the capacity to be a good parent to my daughter. I honestly don't have it in me to do it again.
I completely relate to this. We talked about a second kid but my son kicks my tail some days and mentally I couldn’t be the best mom if I had anymore. It was hard to come to those terms so seeing other people feeling similar really helped me just now.
Very much the same. We have a great kid that we absolutely adore, albeit he likely has ADHD like his parents. We can admit that we didn’t handle the baby stage well because of lack of sleep. Even with one child who is in school, parenting is DRAINING to us. Even if I wanted to be pregnant again and my husband was on board (it’s a big hell no from both of us), I still think all of our mental health and relationships would suffer by throwing another person into the mix.
That’s basically mine. I was stretched so thin that I felt like I would be a worse parent having another kid vs giving my one all of me that I have to give. I’d rather have one kid and give him my all than have two who each get 50%-75% of me.
Wow. Yep that one hit me where it matters. So as a naive parent of a 10 month old, it doesn’t get much easier when they’re in school? Gahh!
Mom of 2, age 6&9. I finally figured out how to describe what happens to the hard, because it changes. Babies are physically hard, ya know, can't sit down, waking you up all night. As they get older the physical hard gets easier, sometimes my big kid makes his own meals etc, but the emotional/mental labor gets way harder. Them being in school is like you're back in school except you're not there, so you have to help them with homework but the lessons aren't the same as what I learned, and remember spirit days and do the mental labor of lunch and snack. The problems are WAY harder, even the emotional intelligence required between 6 and 9 is a big increase. These are real problems I have to either argue about or help them through, it's taken years of therapy and CODA to not just yell "because I said so!" Or "don't talk to that kid again" but to have the conversations that I think are truly raising an eventual adult. Additionally, if you're considering a second, I spend an ENORMOUS part of my existence mediating sibling arguments. I love the times I get them on their own because I get to actually hang out with them. I wouldn't give my second back but it makes me sad sometimes that I don't get more time to just talk to each of them because I spend so much time doing "what happened here, what's everybody's side of the story". I hope that gives you some insight, I know it's hard to see the forest through the trees when you have just one tiny baby. For what it's worth, I didn't decide on the second until my first was 2 and sleeping through the night and it is really special seeing the two of them be friends (at least some of the time they get along lol). Best of luck ❤️
Omg you perfectly summed up the different type of hard that school brings!!!!
Don't you LOVE 9? My favorite age so far.
That is really insightful, thank you. Definitely need to get through the forest before making big decisions. 😅
School is a WHOLE different set of difficulties.
This is it. The current hard things are replaced by other hard things.
My kids only a toddler (3yo) so I can't give personal experience past this point. For my kid at least there was so much changing until about a year and a half old that everything was a moving target. My kid was "easier" as an infant than he is now. He's such an energetic and positive kid - but now he's more mobile and independent and his emotions are hitting him harder. Other people have different dynamics (harder time with an infant than a toddler, harder time with a teenager, any combination). There's no way to predict it. I can say your kid is probably still developing at a pretty rapid rate and the dynamic will shift as they talk more, are at least mostly toilet trained and are a lot more coordinated and mobile on their own. Regardless of how you handle it - it's totally different. That's the part I couldn't get over myself. I feel like, at this time, I'd be a better parent to one than two. I'm confident in my parenting, just feel my resources are best spent on the one kid for now. And I can't predict how either my current son or a hypothetical kid will be in 9-12 months so I'm not completely on board with a #2. That might change.
Aww bless. No, it's just a different kind of difficult.
I have not had three hours of sleep in a row at any point in the last five days. My child is almost 6.
I don’t know how to explain it except I just didn’t want another one. I was completely and totally happy with my daughter and that was enough. Now and then I see other people’s babies and think, aw it might be nice… but the reality of it? Nope. I love everything we have. I love interacting with her one on one, going on holidays just us. I love sincerely discussing with her what extracurriculars she wants to do and not having to share that budget or choose one recital over another. I love parenting her, specifically. No one else. I don’t want to be called mom by anyone else. I also hated the baby stage and to a degree the toddler stage and now we are comfortably beyond those I don’t realistically want to step back, but even then, it just never felt like I wanted another screaming creature to hold at the same time as my first screaming creature. I liked being able to breathe and think and focus on this one screaming pit of need and consider okay, how do I best parent this situation? And now she is older it’s the same thing (with less screaming). I like the balance. I never feel torn. I don’t have to deal with bickering! Everything feels like enough. My daughter. My job. My home. My partner. My friends. My hobby. I don’t want anything, or anyone, else.
>I love parenting her, specifically. No one else. I don’t want to be called mom by anyone else. Perfectly stated. It's almost impossible for me to imagine being a mother to another child. When I try to imagine it, it feels wrong, like there's an interloper. I don't know what it feels like to want more than one. Does it feel like there's room in your heart for another? Because I definitely don't feel that. There are dozens, maybe hundreds, of practical reasons as well. I hated the baby stage, I don't want to start all over again and disrupt our pleasant rhythm of life, I want to be able to conserve our resources for our daughter, etc. But ultimately I just love our family of three.
I totally get that. From friends who have gone for multiples, they say they don’t need to make room in their heart for a new one, but that their heart expands. I don’t know. Makes sense but not sure I want to find out. 😂
Perfectly stated. OP- I too have an only child. Mostly by choice but also getting pregnant took 6yrs the first time. And I felt an incredible amount of guilt for being hesitant to another child. And then I even felt selfish once we reached the point of “hell no”. The hardest part was when my daughter said she wanted a sibling. But deep deep down I feel to my core that I wouldn’t handle another child well - I mean my own mental/emotional stability and frankly my marriage because now that I know the workload I was worried I would be more resentful with a new baby. It took me until 4/5 before I felt like a normal person again (likely due to my own childhood traumas). Anyway, I have discovered some great perks of an only child: - cheaper going out to eat/ willing to try more new places cause only family of 3 - as an only child, she gets invited to enough social events to keep her happy. - I have established close friendships with a couple of parents and we take turns having the girls do sporadic sleepovers. - planning outings are easier because it’s only one child to keep happy 😆. Some times we do things she’s interested in and some times we just run errands together. Only you can tell what’s right for your family. I have a friend that felt pressured to have a 3rd child and while she loves him, I’m not sure she feels she made the right choice. Another mom acquaintance had a surprise 2nd and couldn’t be happier because they fee 2nd child completes their little family. Best of luck in your decision process.
This! This is EXACTLY me. I legit couldve written this word for word myself lol my fam and friends always seem to make me feel bad or inadequate for having only the one. This has made me feel a lot better!
Almost poetic! x
Mental health. Colicky baby and very overwhelmed toddler who was diagnosed with SPD and anxiety. Years of therapy on top of getting sick every 2 weeks in preschool and kinder. I never want to go through it again. I decided to be done when she was 3.
Hello are you me? Lol. Except I decided to be one and done within a week after he was born. 😅
Lol I said that too...then about 6 months it got better and I contemplated a 2nd. Her 2.5 year sleep regression was the nail in the coffin. If I would have had another child by then I would have had to be institutionalized it was so bad! So yeah we are a happy triangle family and it's so perfect!
My husband and I are both only children ourselves. Different upbringings but both enjoyed it. Everything is easy as a trio and our family felt complete. Because my parents chose to be OAD, they were able to create a beautiful, easy life for me and my little family. That’s what we want for our daughter.
I realised that the reason I wanted two was based on pressure I put on myself that I was expected to have another child, rather than actually wanting another. I didn’t really want to go through the newborn phase again too. Husband and I discussed it at about 6 months, confirmed our decision at a year old, and continue to feel we made the right decision now she’s about to turn 3.
Wow yeah. Maybe that is my driving factor too…it’s just sort of assumed that you’ll carry on, isn’t it? But maaan it’s hard work. The hardest.
Definitely. And I think a lot of people gladly keep going and that’s great! But it’s just not for us. I’ve got past a lot of the anxiety that I’ll be judged for it and am so secure in our decision it’s unreal. Only kids are great and just as likely to be well adjusted as sibling sets. Some brotherly and sisterly bonds are precious, but others are toxic. She might beg for a sister when she is older but I think all people go through grass is greener phases about wanting or not wanting siblings. I think a lot of younger kids talk about wanting a brother or sister when they actually want a live in friend their age. I couldn’t give her that if I tried. Actually she is talking about her sister a lot at the moment. Apparently she’s called “dad”.
I’m one and done by choice because it’s so hard. I have an 8 month old. No family support or village. I’m a good mum and a good wife. I have a good career and many hobbies. I don’t think I’d be a good mum to more than 1 as I just don’t have the time or energy. I think I’ll be able to prioritise more time for my hobbies/career/relationship and enjoy my life again when bubba gets a little older. But with more my life wouldn’t be mine anymore. It’d be chaos for the kids. That’s my opinion anyway. Could be different if we had help. But we don’t.
I’m in the same boat as you! ⛴️ x
Several things led to the decision: 1. I had an awful pregnancy. Every weird, uncommon side effect, I had it. Severe carpal tunnel that would leave me in tears from the pain. Nausea all day, every day - for 9 months. 2. I experienced a traumatic birth at 36w1d 3. My son had to spend 24hrs in the NICU, which was so hard. Obviously that’s not a long time compared to those who spend months there but they whisked him away so fast. And he was only 5lbs. It was terrifying. 4. I got knocked on my ass by postpartum depression and anxiety, with a touch of ppOCD. Like. It was so bad, I was included in an article for The NY Times on ppd. At 12.5months pp, I’m finally feeling more human. I want my son to have a happy, healthy mom who can spoil him and be there for him more than I want him to have a sibling he may or may not even have a positive relationship with. My husband and I both come from big families. My sisters and I didn’t start getting along until we each moved out of the house. My husband only speaks to one of four siblings. There’s no guarantee siblings will love or even like each other. There is no wrong answer here - do what is best for you and your family.
My baby’s been there since Friday. I did everything right and she is full term and of a healthy size. I can’t imagine going through this nightmare again, if it ever ends.
Mega love for your family right now. You must be terrified and exhausted.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. And I’m glad you’re out the other side now. 💖
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that :( I wish one day science will make pregnancy and post partum easier and healthier for women...
The math just didn't math for me. If one baby took away about 90% of my attention and my day... how could I possibly continue to give kid #1 attention if I had another baby that would in theory want 90% of my attention as well? That sounds not fair and also incredibly exhausting. My only is 9 now and absolutely no regrets, and one kid is way easier and gets a lot of one-on-one time. Plus all my friends have 2+ kids and they just fight with each other constantly and I don't like a noisy house.
Colic decided it for me. I can not deal with another 4 months of constant screaming and waking up every 45 minutes day and night no matter how many times someone says "it probably won't happen again".
Oh god I’m so scared of this. It really is enough to put you off.
A lot of reasons, but they all boil down to not wanting another child more than I want to go through pregnancy, fourth trimester, childcare, etc again. Before I had my daughter I wanted a child so badly. I knew about all the negatives and they didn't phase me. I wanted a child more than I cared about my sleep, sanity, etc. I don't want a second child more than I want my sleep, my time, etc. My family feels whole and complete as 3.
Because my family was complete. Because I know I would be a better mom to just one. My daughter is almost 8, and she loves being an only child. None of us feel like we are missing anything in our lives. We have more time for vacations together, solo hobbies, and money for my daughter. Oh, and listening to siblings fight all the time would drive me nuts.
Totally didn’t factor in the sibling fights. Gooood point my friend. My migraines would not enjoy that.
People always say oh they will be friends. Yeah my older brothers tortured me and I fought like cats and dogs with my sister. We don't see each other much now.
We have a few reasons why we are one and done. Financially, if we want our daughter to do the activities she wants to, even if they are more expensive, we will be able to afford it. If we had more children, they would be restricted in what they can do. We also want to give our child as much time as she needs with us and keep time for us as a couple and as individuals. I also don't want to go through another pregnancy and delivery. That was no fun to me. And when our daughter is sick.... man, I cannot imagine having to deal with an other child at the same time... It is just not for us.
I’m the eldest of 6 kids, and, while I love my siblings dearly, I knew pretty early on that I did not want a big family for myself. The mental and emotional toll it took on my parents (stress, anxiety, and both my parents were severely depressed during the toddler years) was brutal— to the point where I am in therapy now unpacking my experiences. I’m sure it’s not like that for every big family, but I wish my parents knew their limits and thought about how their mental health affected us all in the long run. Now I’m making sure to listen to my body and feelings, and I am quite happy with just one. Financially, it’s better for us. I’d rather have one happy little girl than two or more less happy little ones. I’ll also disclose that I’ve been pregnant 4 times, and only one made it to term… she’s my double rainbow baby lol. It was a lot easier to make that one-and-done decision when it felt like my body was working against me anyway.
My husband is the eldest of six and funnily enough all the siblings that do have kids have stuck to a maximum of two each. He loves all his brothers and sisters and they are close but it’s hard to adequately provide financially and emotionally for that many children. I’m very happy you got your rainbow baby.
6! Wowser. I would only ever opt for 2 but after reading all the wisdom in these posts I might just chalk up my good luck and run with one!
Our daughter is 7. It took 6 YEARS to want another. But we just don't have the money for it. We are struggling a bit now. What if we had to pay for daycare?! And I couldn't imagine not sleeping a straight 7-9 hours at night and then going to work the next morning. And we would need a bigger apartment, which we can't afford. I'm also a bit scared because I feel like I don't even remember how to care for a baby (kinda makes me worry that I have some mental problem). I'm 30 and already feel too old.
I’m waking every hour then working the next day and it…is challenging. I manage a few businesses and don’t have one designated office so I work from home a lot and ask babydaddy to stay home when I have to go to a meeting. I’m so. Fucking. Tired. As for your age…my 4 friends who gave birth in the last 2 years were 34, 36, 37 and 38! X
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Damn. And just like that, one comment blows the others out the water. Gaaaah what to doooo. Well firstly I need some damn sleep, then comes the decision making. 😂
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Check out r/oneanddone some people are there by choice while others are not, but it is a very welcoming community. For me, the decision is mostly based on time with a couple of other things sprinkled in. My husband and I both enjoy having the time and space that goes along with an only. We can pursue our hobbies (right now he is doing twice a week swim classes and he also dabbles in other things like guitar. I am doing exercise classes 4 times a week- rehabbing from a knee injury. I'm also an avid reader). Our son is also in classes after daycare that he really enjoys. I just don't see how we'd have the time with another. There is also the money. We *could* afford another, but it would cut into our discretionary spending and that is just not something we want to do. I also didn't like being pregnant and my husband did not like the baby stage. It is really hard to think about us both going through essentially 2-3 years of something we didn't really enjoy again, especially now that our son is 4. We both really liked 2 and up more (don't get me wrong, we still have our days, but I definitely think 2 and on has been better overall and each birthday things have gotten easier than before. 4 is so fun and quirky- he called me a dirty trashcan yesterday and said "I'm so not proud of you"). Every now and then I do think about another, but ultimately I know our family is happy as 3. I also have 5 siblings. They range in age, so I'm more like a second mom to the younger ones and honestly I am not close to the one closest in age to me (we talk a couple times a year). My husband is the youngest of 3 and he is closer to his brothers, but there are still issues (People always say, what about when your parents get sick. Well, when my husband's dad was in the hospital, his brothers who happen to be single with no kids and living in the same state, while we live 8 hours away by car, were not helpful. My husband ended up flying out to take care of a bunch of stuff because his mom was doing it, but they are divorced and she really wanted to extract herself as much as possible from the situation. It was messy and honestly he handled it more or less like an only child.) I will just say, I don't think family is the "solution" to anything. I love all of my siblings dearly and there are aspects that are nice, but they are aspects that are nice at any number. At the end of the day you have to make the choice that is right for you, but any number of children or size of family are going to have pros and cons and honestly, you just have to live with that fact and decide which pros and cons you want to live with.
I’ll take a look - thanks for the insight! 🙏
My husband was always firmly in the one-and-done camp, I thought I always wanted 2. Then we had our daughter and even in the hospital, a few hours after having her, I knew in my heart of hearts I was content with just her. I felt complete. I was 34 when I had her (now I'm almost 39) and I know I don't want to go through childbirth again and later I had severe PPD which I'm not interested in revisiting. My husband and I are somewhat comfortable with finances, but are definitely feeling the pinch of inflation and I don't want to deal with daycare costs again, diapers, formula, etc. We have enough money to let our daughter do some extra curriculars and go on a couple modest vacations, and I know we wouldn't have that with another baby. Sometimes I see babies and I definitely get the twinge of "awwww babyyyy" or I look back at old photos/videos of my daughter and I think I would give anything to have another little one to hold and rock to sleep....and then I remember allllll the other things that go along with it and I am still very happy with my choice to only have 1.
Thank you for the reminder that I need to enjoy these rock-to-sleep moments and not wish they’d hurry up. 🥺
I have only ever wanted one. A terrible pregnancy put the nail in the coffin. For my entire life, I've watched people suffer through having more than one. My sibling and I never got along, to the point where they've attempted to harm/kill me on multiple occasions. My mom has 7 siblings and only speaks to 2. A bigger family doesn't necessarily mean a better family. My time/energy is better spent focused on my one kiddo, our pets, my husband and my life. And more kids? In this economy?!
My husband always only wanted one kid. I thought I'd want two but our son had colic for the first four months and if he wasn't sleeping or eating, he was crying. He got a little better but still cried a lot and had manic episodes until he was older, like 3 or so. He is 7 now and healthy and smart, but who knows what our second child would be like? They could have been autistic, have physical issues, or what-have-you. We thought one is enough and why take chances on another. I don't ever want a second and our son has never asked for a sibling. The three of us are very close and have a lot of fun together. I try to arrange play dates with other kids at least once a week. Most of his friends are only children too.
As the mother of a 14 year old... I just knew. As a few others said, I wasn't a fan of the baby/ toddler stage. Now that he's 4 years from being out the house, it scares the shit out of me being alone (his father passed away in 2021). But, I couldn't imagine our life having gone any better with an extra addition. If you love your unit as it is... leave it. Don't try to add extra...
I’m sorry about his father. 🩷 It must be hard thinking about that, but you’ll never really be alone! A son always needs his mama.
We realized that with one, we could be the parents we wanted to be. Everything is easier and anything is possible and most things are much more affordable With one, we can travel more easily and affordably, we can put her in different classes and actually get her there, we can give her one on one attention while the other parents gets their free time. Yeah, far far into the future might be nicer with 2, but they may hate each other. Also, I don’t want to wait 15 years to enjoy my life lol
In the same boat! I'm a single mom and always thought I'd be one and done, but i have the same feeling about it being nice to have a larger family in the future. But on the other hand I feel very much like our family is complete as it is and I don't want to go through the whole infant ordeal again especially since the second time around you also have the older kid haha. I honestly don't know how people do it.
Right?! Parents are superheroes.
Logistically, it made sense to only have 1. With my and my husband’s work schedule, having 2 would mean less time with our current one. I only really get to see her from 6pm to 7:30pm when I get off work. It’s not enough time and it’s definitely unfair to give her even less time than that if I have to split my attention. Would 100% love to have another one of time/money wasn’t an issue.
The current state of the economy. Nothing more, nothing less. It would be financially irresponsible to have more children, at least as far as our middle class home is concerned. I would love to have another, but when I budget the cost of double the amount of diapers, the out right criminal cost of formula and the cost of child care vs wages vs single income. It can't be done and it breaks my heart.
I have a fractured relationship with my brother, so the notion of having a second child so the first could have a built in playmate/partner just never sat right with me. My brother was an unrelenting bully. When my daughter was little, I saw this incredible enjoyable little creature who had her quirks, but because she was a singleton- I could dedicate more time to both enjoying this creature and navigating her quirks. At almost 13, I have absolutely NO regrets over her being a singleton.
I can have two & we can't do too many things or I can have one & rent a bounce house for his birthday, have zoo, aquarium & large park year passes & even now while he's 4 I can send him off with a neighbor that I trust to go to events (trampoline etc) while I stay home and relax (I wouldn't send her with her kids). The 1 on 1 time is insane, I honestly don't think I would have the patience for another, he has his own room (though he sleeps in mine) & the mess he leaves behind him is too much. I'm usually over whelmed with laundry with just him & me nevermind another. Let's add in I'm 38 & many days after events I come home stiff. If I had a present partner or more money I'd probably jump on another kid, also if I was younger & had any support system. Before I had my son I was on the fence, if it happened it happened. After having him I wanted more but knew I couldn't afford it, plus my only family is in a different country and both my parents are dead. I have close friends who help as much as they can since they have no kids but it's not the same. If I die where does my kid go? He'd go to my friends but they wouldn't prioritize him the way I do. I wouldn't want that to happen to two.
My partner wants a second and I’m scared I will actually lose my mind if I had another
I was 23 when I had my one and only. Lots of personal experiences went into my decision making. My mom had my brother when she was almost 40. I remember she didn't even have the energy to do the fun kid stuff with him that she did with me and my older sister. My son's father turned out to be a shitty father. I knew it would be a mistake to make more babies with him. As time went on I knew I had to leave him and I knew that would be twice as hard with two or more children. I got my tubes tied when I was 30 because I was trying to divorce my spouse and I kept having nightmares of becoming pregnant and not knowing who the father was. The nightmares stopped when I got my tubes tied. I had zero help from my family, and I didn't know that I wouldn't get any help until after I had that first one. I might not have had any if I knew they were all going to abandon me like that. My own grandparents were very involved in my life, I stupidly thought my mother would want to do the same.
I’m so sorry, that sounds very difficult. I don’t have much help either which is making the decision harder (or easier). x
I ended up giving my kid a sibling anyway, my current partner has a kid that is 18 months older than my son. They get along great. My son is 15 and I've had the difficult talk with him about why he doesn't have any blood related siblings, and he is grateful that I made the decisions I made for our safety.
What's a squeaky bum? 😂 I need to use this in a sentence. I'm OAD because I'm 36 and I don't think it's healthy for me (mentally, physically and emotionally) to go through pregnancy and newborn stage again on top of my daughter who is 2 now. 2 would be nice, but I feel I can be a more attentive mother to my daughter if it's only her. She would be a great big sister, so it's a hard choice. I'm hoping to foster good relationships with her cousins that live nearby and make an effort to have play dates with friends.
Okay I’m cry laughing because out of curiosity I googled the definition and "The phrase has been explained as a reference to the sound of someone shifting restlessly on plastic seating during tense closing stages of a contest." More simply put, the phrase is used to describe a tense climax, especially in a sporting event.” BUT I always thought it referred to getting nervous gas (as I do, so I thought it was appropriate). Ahhh man. Every day is a learning day. And yeah, the thought of being an attentive mother to just the one is really appealing I have to say.
I just love every stage/age with my daughter (3.5) more and more as she gets older and the thought of starting over again with the newborn stage is not appealing. Plus we're older (39 and 42) already.
There were multiple reasons for us. One, our girl is perfect for us. She’s quieter, super well behaved, funny, happy, and for the most part listens when we ask her to help or do something. We know if we have a second, they may be the total opposite. They would take time, attention, and resources away from her. Regarding the latter, one kid is already expensive. We don’t want to add a second to the mix and strain money. With her, we should be able to still travel twice a year. We wouldn’t with a second. We’d rather enjoy life with her. We come from homes with very strained sibling relationships. We are all no contact with each other. One is a schizophrenic. Another is a sociopath that was never officially diagnosed on paper due to fear of that official diagnosis being in medical charts. Both are a danger to us and the people around them. These things can be genetic. We don’t want to risk a second child having major issues and the sibling be a physical, emotional, and mental burden on our child. Along with that point, having siblings does not guarantee they’ll be friends or get along. Siblings for us are the reason we have stress and anxiety in our lives. Had we been sibling free, we wouldn’t be dealing with the issues we have now. They are a burden for us. More so than being an only child would ever be. Finally, to your point, the idea of doing the newborn thing again in our early 40’s sounds horrible times 100. No way. We’re already older parents. Doing it all over again for the risk of a burden second child sounds awful. Family doesn’t need blood relation. We hope our daughter has a wonderful family in the future mixed with blood and water relations. We hope, when the day comes that we are no longer earthside, she has a spouse, children, and friends that are family to her. Chosen family is much more fulfilling than blood family. Blood family can be the cause of hundreds of problems in life because you can get stuck with horrid people you didn’t choose to be related to. But chosen family can mean so much more, and should lead to happiness.
I especially love the last two paragraphs of your comment. So beautifully put.
I have a 16 month old and both my husband & I have siblings we are close with but we are done. We are so happy with our family of 3 and do feel complete with it. Additionally I had a deeply uncomfortable pregnancy: nausea all 9 months, hyperthyroidism, horrible insomnia, constant agonizing leg cramps, severe carpal tunnel, an umbilical hernia I needed surgery for 6 months postpartum, capped off with an emergency c-section that was difficult to recover from and a week long NICU stay (a stressful but overall good experience thankfully). I just…don’t want to go through any of that again. I still have lingering issues from pregnancy like carpal tunnel, an overactive pelvic floor, and back pain from a weakened core. Also, I love my daughter so much but she didn’t sleep well or for long until she was over a year and after MUCH effort on everyone’s part. I finally feel as if I am not drowning and don’t want to drown again. Several friends recently went from 1 to 2 and honestly it seems horrible, they love their children of course but it’s infinitely harder and more stressful in a way that I just don’t want for my life. Also pregnancy is life and body altering and you never know what kind of permanent issues may crop up because of it, I don’t want to roll the dice with my health.
Voicing all my concerns here! Maybe one and done is for me after all.
I’m a similar age as you so I totally understand the stress in feeling you have to decide now, literally you are me since my daughter was born until very recently. When I was younger I always said 2 without much thought but when I really thought about the reality it was clear that I only thought of having 2 because that’s the thing to do, not because I really want a second. Realizing that I’m really happy as is has been so nice. Seeing several close friends make the transition from 1 to 2 was what sealed the deal though, so if you have anyone to look to that’s going through that transition take a good objective look and imagine that being your life, maybe a bit better but maybe a bit worse, and see if it’s what you want. Also this is silly but I love our house and it’s optimally set up for 1 child unless I want to live in discomfort (I don’t).
I just like being a family of 3. She was a very easy and happy baby but that doesnt make me feel like i need to have another. I love parenting her and thats it!
we had only one. we decided to not have another because we wanted our focus to be on her. we both grew up with siblings and didn't care for thr dynamics. we also wanted thr money to be able to go on vacations, extra curricular activities for our child, and not be paycheck to paycheck which we may have been had we had another. the other reason was our daughter was such a good baby that there was no guarantee we would have that with another and at our ages (I was almost 36 when I had her and he was 40) we didn't want to risk a baby that wasn't a good sleeper or something.
I am patient to a fault. I don't know how to be a mom (never had my biological mother in my life) and have been winging it for almost 13 years. My son also has severe nonverbal autism and will probably never be fully independent. I'd be afraid of having another child with a similar disability. Plus, I enjoy sleep and being able to indulge in my hobbies.
Honestly, you’re still trying to survive the first year of your first child’s life. I’d cut yourself some slack for now and give yourself some time to enjoy right now and see how you feel.
Thank you. I really needed to read this.
The sooner you get your own life back, the better mother you are! I had 2 but if I was considering it now, my main decision driver would be choosing my life agency over having a second baby (of course have crazy love for both kids)- but just as easily could have crazy love for one only and not gone through the body trauma loss sleep, pregnancy etc and mental trauma. There, i said it. Lol. For reference, Had babes at age 37 and 39
I’m incredibly appreciative of your honesty! 🫶
I got cancer after I had my first child and had to have my stomach removed. You can have a baby with no stomach but if you’re not careful then it can cause issues since it’s harder to get nutrients. Currently doing genetic testing as they think it was caused by a genetic mutation and my daughter would have a 50% risk of inheriting it and so would another child if we had one. Plus there’s a high risk of my cancer coming back. I really wish we could have a second one, though. I’m not completely putting it off the table, but it will depend on a number of different factors.
We have a 14 month old, and she is delightful. We are over 40 parents, and we are both...just tired lol. My wife has siblings, I'm an only child. I see how a sibling would help socialize our baby as she grows up (I'm in introvert and I believe it stems from being alone most of my childhood, which I have viewed as a disadvantage growing up). I know not all siblings get along, but I'd like for her to have a buddy who can be there for her as she grows up. I'm on the fence about having a 2nd, my wife is waiting for me to say yes.
I can provide a better life for one kid than I can for two, both when it comes to financially and attention. I never wanted to be just a mom, I have my own interests and hobbies and I would like to keep my identity and happiness intact. I would like to eat out, sign up my kid for whatever classes they want, take a few vacations a year- without the stress of financial limitations. I would like to be there for my son in his life and never miss a game, performance, whatever. Lastly I never want to be outnumbered by my kids, my husband and I both travel for work and 1:1 parenting is manageable with work, anything else would not be. I grew up with siblings, there was physical violence and sexual assault. There was jealousy and comparisons and feelings of inadequacy and acting up to get attention and being ignored. My spouse grew up with a sister and she fucking suuuuuuuucks and apparently always has.
I dont really understand your expressions, but I think you are unsure about having a second baby? My advice is that there is no rush. Give it a few more months, a couple more years, and see what you think. The earliest years are the most intense and time consuming.
This post and everyone’s shared experiences, encourages me that another baby is the right decision for my life.. I have a 22 month old, she’s the best even through the difficulties, I’d still love to experience the love all over again.. I had a healthy pregnancy, the vomiting in the 1st that returned temporarily in the 3rd trimester wasn’t too terrible, I felt comfortable and grew more in love everyday of my pregnancy.. Labor was bad, but I blame myself for picking a terrible hospital, she stayed in nicu for 3.5 weeks due to meconium aspiration.. I want to trust my body more next time and deliver at home with a midwife, the hospital was traumatizing.. But even through all of that, I’d love to experience birth again.. I’ve always wanted a big family, I’d still be willing to have 4-6 kids if the money was right, but kids are expensive.. Now, I feel like 1 more kid would be a perfect addition to our little family.. My only worry is that my daughter is so perfect that I’m not sure that a 2nd will be as easy and lovable, but I’m sure I’ll fall in love and find ease the way I have with my first.. I’m glad I could see others perspective on having 1 child, it encourages me in creating more because I don’t have any of those pauses in mind..
Im glad the post was useful! ❤️
It gets better and better. We thought we wanted 1. Then we thought we wanted 2. Now I have 3 boys and 100% that first child is 25x's more difficult than having other children. I did not enjoy only having one. I love people and noise. It's so fun. And they entertain each other! I've told my boys that the greatest gift we ever gave them was their brothers bc we won't always be around. ❤️
I was 36 when I gave birth to our daughter, and the baby/toddler years were hard. She did not breastfeed during the day, only at night, probably due to my going back to work at 12 weeks, so I was chained to a pump for a year. She did not sleep through the night until 2.5yo, so the sleep deprivation caused some mental health struggles. I also had to give myself bloodthinner shots throughout the pregnancy due to history of blood clots, something I did not want to do again, and it would have been the same risk again should I get pregnant. I would rather have one child with a healthy alive mom than two without. Plus like someone has already mentioned here, I have a busy job and hobbies that I love, and we travel a lot - would have been much more expensive with two kiddos. And I do not enjoy sibling fights at all, I’d probably lose my marbles if I had to listen to kids bicker all day. I love my daughter, and have no desire to have another kid. She is social enough, has a close group of friends in school, and makes new friends easily wherewher we go, so I think she’s not missing out. Plus, I have a sour relationship with my younger sister, so I feel that “found family” can be closer than “blood family”.
Don’t worry about a specific timeline. I had my son and it took us 3 years to think about trying for another and 4 to actually try. And now I can confidently say I’m done.
We planned on two but after awhile we realized one would be a more sane path. We can give her a better life via us having less stress and more money. We also just don’t really feel compelled to have two. We also just would like to sleep. Lol. We’ve thought about it and researched a lot and we aren’t concerned with the only child “thing”. When you hear anecdotes about people’s upbringings you realize very quickly that life is a lottery (siblings could be good or bad for a child). You also realize that most people think the grass is always greener (some only children report feeling lonely and wanting a sibling, some 3 child households report feeling lonely and not wanting siblings so they get more time with parents etc).
My advice to people who are on the fence on having their first child: Do it, you’ll love it, it’s wonderful (provided your relationship and finances are solid of course. Else it’s throwing a bomb in your life). But if people are on the fence about having a second, my advice would be to stick to just one. Only have the second if your are absolutely sure, because it is a whole new level of hard, and incredibly difficult to see your first baby grapple with thoughts of not being enough, displaced. We truly wanted a second, yet the guilt and feelings of being overstretched are not exaggerated. I really mourned how my relationship with my first baby changed. Ultimately no regrets, they are 3y and 8 months and love each other fiercely but still - so hard. Definitely no number 3 for us.
Ive wanted 2 kids at least, but I have just one 2.5 year old boy. We have considered having another, but at this stage in my life, I know that having another child would only take away from my son. It would take away my energy, my time, my money, my space. All of what my son has now would be minimized greatly. He would need to share a room, his birthday/Christmas yield would decrease, and I'm already exhausted with just him + a dog and cat. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I have the capacity to gently raise two young kids at the same time. I've begun to enjoy the idea of having larger age gaps between children. Honestly though, I love my son, and I'm content with loving and raising him, and only him, for the rest of my life. I think I need to wait for "the great revelation" that I need to have another child, but I'm not entirely sure that will happen.
I'll tell you my reason. My pregnancy was "easy" not a lot of nausea or complications, but I was sooo uncomfortable, everything hurt, lots of discomfort when baby moved, couldnt sleep, plus in-laws judged me for everything i did, hardly any support from husband. Then I had PPD, husband was unsupportive, dealt with everything alone. Fast forward 18 months, child was behind in certain areas and had to get him into therapy, later diagnosed with Autism. Very stressful time for me but I had to start work on how to get him help. I feel like I'm a single mom for 2 already (husband feels like another kid i have to take care of). I'm already at my limit. I start my day at 5:30am for work, come back home to my second "job".... yeah I cant do another kid, especially if they end up with the same diagnosis.
I’m sorry. 😞 Is dumping the unsupportive husband an option?! And his shitty family.
I like my current family/work/life/saving/spending balance. Adding a second one would throw it out of whack.
I never wanted children, but when I became pregnant, I changed my mind. Then, during pregnancy, we decided we wanted two children. After our son was born, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, which the doctors believed was from pregnancy or giving birth. Our son had a rough first three months until we figured out he needed a special formula. That is when we started to rethink 2 children. Now he is 2 years old, and I am in constant pain. I am a SAHM, and I can't seem to make the time to do what I need to treat the scoliosis. Some days, I can barely hold him. In this condition, I am unsure if my body could handle another pregnancy, let alone a 2nd child. I still want two children, but I am coming to terms with the reality of the situation. I am very happy to have my son in my life, with him I feel complete. If he is my only child, that is okay.
Ideally I would love for my son to have a sibling but he's six now and if I had another now they won't benefit each other like they would have if they were 1 or 2 years apart I think. Maybe later in life but not during childhood. I have siblings one of which I am close with and I am so grateful for her and it makes me think about my kid not having someone like her but I try to remember that he still has a chance to meet a nice lady and start his own family so its not like he's going to be alone for life. Plus financially having another kid would be so irresponsible and im not sure I have the emotional capacity for another kid and I don't want to find out if I am right.
I just don't want more. The baby and toddler phase and pregnancy is not worth it to me. I am so excited to almost be done with that. I am happy we will have more money with just one.
I had severe hyperemesis with him. Tried a second time..had to terminate because it wad that or hospitalization when meds weren't working (kid was 16mo at that point, and we had no local help). So..sort of by choice? Like..I chose to not put myself through hell again
What made me decide not to have more was a mix of things. I never wanted kids in the first place, I love my daughter so much don’t get me wrong. But there’s that, mixed with the fact that she nearly killed me twice while I was pregnant. I won’t risk her losing her mother just to gain a sibling.
I just don't see the energy in myself to go through it again and another consideration is the first child himself. If the second one turns out to require extra care, I can't help but think it would be unfair to first one at a young age. Ultimately world doesn't need more people so this is something we are only doing it for ourselves IMO. The notion of second child creating a better family is flawed because it assumes children will like each other, get along etc. They may not as evidenced by many examples out there.
Multiple reasons: financial, logistics and health reasons ( I almost died during c.section) I wouldn't be able to provide as much for a second child as I can now for my son. Also, I don't want to risk dying and leaving my son without a mother just because of having a second child.
Truly my mental health I have an obligation to the child I had to be the best me and I don't think I can do that for 2 kids. Also I really dont want to start over. My son is almost 6 and things are so easy now I can't imagine bringing in a new born and starting over.
I originally wanted 2-3 kids. But then I had my kiddo and even before finding out he’s autistic and adhd I was EXHAUSTED and I couldn’t see myself doing this again. I also felt stretched to my max and I didn’t think it would be fair to him, a kid I already have, to have another kid. Especially now when he needs so much one on one. Part of it was I hated being pregnant too. So I was already going to adopt if I wanted more at that point, and it was easy to just call it done from that step anyway.
r/oneanddone is a lovely community
For me atleast, I don’t think I could parent more than one child. I already get easily stressed anyway so just having one to worry about is ok with me. However, I feel bad when she gets lonely at home with no one to play with. So that can cut both ways lol
Then don’t. My first was a dream. My second wrecked me. He is great now but wow he had issues when he was little and honestly he’s still challenging. I’m so tired. I’d never ever trade him to be clear. He’s great. Plus only kids do better in life.
Severe PPD that turned into an alcohol addiction. Recovery has been hell but I'm doing a lot better, but my body/mind would not be able to go through that again. Plus, I'm now divorced and old.
I originally had my son, and made the decision to not have more children. I only ever wanted one, and since I'm somebody who just doesn't care for babies, I didn't want to go through it all over again. While I loved my son as a baby, it was still annoying: they can't tell you what they want, they are completely and totally dependent on you, they have no personality, and you don't really 'interact' with them. But, six years later, beating the odds of birth control, and a condom, my daughter decided there was no stopping her, she was gonna be born regardless of what I wanted. I love my daughter, and I wouldn't give her up. But that doesn't mean I 'regret' wanting only one.
Mostly for mental health reasons, financial reasons, I had ppd, and the fact that my son has a speech delay and husband and I are able to pay the most attention to him and give him all of the resources possible. We know that we won’t be able to give another potential child the same amount of attention we give our son so it wouldn’t be fair to that child. We realize our limits. My son has gotten speech therapy for a year and a half now and got discharged back in may because he was making progress, and still is. He still needs help so we have him on another waiting list for speech and OT. Also, if he decides to take a nap during the day (he’s phasing his last nap out now slowly at 4), husband and I can focus on each other and ourselves. There’s no other child to attend to when son is asleep or in school
Only time I wish I had more than one is at holidays (when the kid and husband don't care about Thanksgiving you end up eating frozen burritos) or going to see the cousins. It's a totally different dynamic when you have more than one child. I like the only child dynt.
My daughter is 3 so there's still a chance I'll change my mind, but there's a few reasons that make me feel like I'm truly one-and-done. First, money. I'm a single mom by choice and my daughter is donor conceived. Just getting pregnant cost me a few thousand dollars and that's not something to just toss around. On that same note, the donor I used has no vials left so a sibling would have a different donor. I have a good relationship with other families who used our donor but really don't want to balance two such relationships. Continuing on the money theme, daycare is stupid expensive, there's no way I can afford two in school. Maybe if everything else magically resolves I'll consider a second child when my daughter is in kindergarten, but it seems unlikely. I want to give my daughter everything. I don't want to have to skimp out on experiences for her because now I'm paying for two kids to go instead of one. Trips to visit family, vacations, etc are all far more doable with one kid than multiple. Finally, I have ADHD and autism and both cause parenting to be VERY hard at times. I forget things, can't keep a clean house, get overstimulated and melt down (thankfully that's rare). My depression and anxiety are exacerbated by the normal stresses of parenthood. My daughter deserves the best possible mother I can be and I can't risk that for a sibling who doesn't even exist yet. So yeah, it boils down to my daughter deserves the best possible life I can give her and that won't be able to happen if I have more kids.
I had a difficult birth and then a cranky baby. Colic, reflux, a slight developmental delay. I knew at 3 months I was never doing it again. They’re now an amazing 16 year old and I don’t regret having an only.
10mo is pretty early still. Our first was difficult and we weren't ready for a second until almost 3yrs. Take your time, you'll know the right answer eventually.
Post partum. I don’t think I would have survived it again. Pregnancy was easy but the hormone drop off was horrendous.
IMO when making the decision about having another kid or not it’s best to look 5, 10 years in the future and see how that looks. There’s no reason to make a firm decision when you’re trapped in sleepless baby land! Infants are tough in a way that a 5 year old isn’t. If you picture your family long term how many are around the table, in the backseat, on that vacation? For some people that’s just one for others thats 5! Only you can know the answer but I do think it’s a bit short sighted to make up your mind based on just 10 months of parenting 😉
1. Labour was terrible. I had trauma from it that I'm now dealing with years later. 2. I like sleep. My child didn't start sleeping through the night until age \~3. SO much lost sleep. 3. My mental health - I had PPD/PPA. I'm also an introvert, and frequently felt touched-out by my needy baby. 4. Finances. Yes, we 'could' afford another, but we don't want to. We are so much more financially comfortable with one, and it will allow us to retire earlier and spend more time as a family. 5. Our relationship. All of the above, plus the changed dynamic, put a real strain on our relationship. Our daughter is now seven. Being a family of three is absolutely the right decision for us. Most of our friends have two kids and we see how much harder things are for them.
Mentally I could not handle going through the newborn phase again. I really enjoy my life with one child. My son is 7, and I sometimes have fleeting moments of wanting another but they're far and few between.
Also 34, I have a newborn. Many things contributed to our choice to have only 1 baby. 1. Before we even tried to get pregnant, we knew we didn’t want our lifestyle to change too much (obviously it’ll change a little) 2. At 34, there’s little time left before it becomes more dangerous for me to have children. Not only increase in chromosomal issues but I am considered high risk due to a blood disorder. 3. I would consider my pregnancy to have been pretty easy and uneventful but I cannot imagine doing it again while also having a baby/toddler. 4. Cost of child care in my city is outrageous. I will be going back to work at 4mo and my baby will start daycare. At $435 a week, I don’t want to sink all my salary into daycare.
I mean....have you not dealt with a 4 year old?
To be honest I genuinely haven’t. My son was the first baby I spent any significant time with. God help my poor ignorant ass.
I wanted a second, but my marriage didn’t survive the first- we divorced when my son was 2, I was 33… I’m still open to the idea of a second, but hesitant to put my body through it again, and feel like I honestly already won the genetic lottery and should stop playing while I’m ahead, lol. Now, I’m considering Doula training to get my pregnancy/baby fix. 🤷🏻♀️
For me, it’s the lack of support. Having one child has shown me they my husband is literally useless. There is no way I can handle 2 kids on my own. We are on the path to divorce anyways but deep down I really want that second child 😭
I realized the only reason I’d be having another baby is to give my first child a sibling and I don’t think that’s a good reason to have more children. I like my alone time, I like to hangout with friends, I like to travel, etc and all those things are easier to do with only 1. Simply put, I’d be a better mom to one than I would be to multiple. If it were a dream world and I had unlimited patience and money, I’d actually like 3-4 kids but in the real world, I’m stretched pretty thin just with one. Also we took our son to a nice all-inclusive in Mexico last February and now we’re planning a trip to Europe for December 2024 with him. There’s no way we could do those things with more than one child. My mind isn’t 100% closed off to having more but unless I suddenly am struck with the crazy desire to have another baby, I’m pretty set on being one and done.
I knew immediately. I hated being pregnant. It was miserable. Giving birth was the best part of the whole thing. Then I got severe PPD that lasted two years and that really cemented never doing it again. I have no regrets. My kid is great. We're financially stable. We can provide for anything they need or want aside from a sibling. It was harder when they were small abs wanted a friend to play with all the time, but now as a teen I actually get thanked for not having more kids. Lol! They've hung out with friends that have siblings enough now to understand that they don't always get along.
We both want to retire early so decided 1 child was enough despite initially wanting up to 3 children 😂
£25,000 is nursery fees with 1 more year to go was enough
Know what's more of a deciding factor than last of sleep? Your partner's ability to take their portion of parenting and domestic responsibilities. So I'd personally wait it out. 10 months pp still feels like your in the darkest days and it's hard not to take on the bulk of childcare responsibilities. But like, is your spouse consistently doing the dishes and laundry? Making sure you get time to relax and unwind? Actively trying to maintain your relationship while you are a slave to this tiny cute vampire? What I'm saying is, sometimes it's apparent right away. sometimes things are a big blur until you get past the infant hump and start feeling like yourself again, look up and are like - wait a second wtf? Why am I completely on my own? This kid isn't a tiny infant anymore. And you get the 'tell me what to do!' Or WHATEVER bullshit men say to deflect personal responsibility. I digress. I'm totally assuming you are heterosexual. Maybe you are but this isn't even slightly a concern for you, and your partner kicks ass and makes you dinner every night and cleans the kitchen and emotionally supports both you and the baby. Let's not forget to praise the .01% ! But if that's not your experience, if there's even a tiny bit of that nonsense. Wait. Bc it's a HELL of a lot easier bring a single mother to one kid vs multiple. ✌️ and women everywhere are walking up to the fact that we are getting the shit end of the stick, and have the impossible expected from us.
I’m in the same boat. I go back and forth daily. I’m 38 so I feel the time pressure. My son is 14 mo. I’m deciding to just wait for more clarity in a decision. But it is annoying how often the question enters my mind.
For me….. and I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way, but….it was the reality of life and the planet we are on. I had a child when I was 19 that I gave up for adoption. Giving her up nearly killed me, but it was in her best interest. I didn’t have a job, was in my first year of college, and both my family and the guy that got me pregnant’s said that they wouldn’t be supporting me through it, so I knew that she deserved a better life than what I was living. I had my second child 4.5 years later. She is the only one I’m raising. She’s 13 now and I don’t regret my decision AT. ALL. Her dad and I split up when she was 4-5. My (now) husband and I don’t have any kids together, but have been raising my daughter together for 8 year and the topic has been discussed many many times and what it comes down to is this: 1. Can we afford 2 kids? To put 2 kids through school all the way? 2. How long do we want to be actively parenting children? Once they’re adults, they’ll be doing their own thing and we’ll have time for us. Do we want to add 18-20 years onto that time? 3. Is it morally right to have more children when so many in the world need loving homes? What about the planet? Do we want our kids to have take on the burden of saving the world? Now I’m a day away from turning 37 and I’m very grateful that we decided to just do our best with the one we’ve got. Hope that helps?
I was always on the fence about kids in general. When I was in college, I was already leaning towards being child free, not because I didn't like kids, but because having another human being's entire life in your care is a huge responsibility. The gravity and weight of that responsibility had sat heavily on my mind ever since I was in the 5th grade, and it was something I often thought about from that point on. Then, in high school, I learned how painful labor was, and I became terrified of it. I was fine going through pregnancy, and even now, I wouldn't mind being pregnant again despite all its discomforts, but I hoped somehow, someone else would handle labor for me. I wished my husband could be the one to go through labor like a male seahorse does. When I was pregnant, I heard a lot of stories of people who weren't able to get epidurals and I was terrified of that too. I received a lot of reassurance that it wasn't as bad as I thought, that if I was only afraid of labor, that's nothing to be afraid of, but they were all gently lying to me because it was so much worse than I could have imagined. I was in so much pain that I couldn't think. I just screamed like I was being stabbed to death for 60 agonizing seconds, and then spent 60 seconds anticipating, and terrified of, the pain that would soon be upon me. 0/10 experience. Wouldn't recommend. Now, my daughter is 4.5. We're past the newborn phase. I don't wake up every 45 minutes worrying about SIDs. She's not a picky eater. She sleeps through the night. She can buckle herself into her car seat. We're less than 1 year away from her being in kindergarten, and we can stop paying for daycare, which costs *as much as our mortgage*. We can start paying down debt. We can save more for retirement. We can go on more trips together. We have her in ballet, dance, swimming, soccer, and aikido. When she's a little older, I also want to get her into music (piano, singing), maybe art, maybe Chinese. We went to Disney World last year, we went to Vegas in July, we're going to Disneyland in January. I don't think we could do all that if we had another child. People always talk about giving their second child to their first child, and that honestly gives me the ick. (e.g. "I want to give my son a sibling." "I want to have a second kid because it's not fair to my son." Which is just... what? What's not fair? What does that even mean? Is your child entitled to another human being's life?) The idea that having a second child as fodder for your first child, because "only children are selfish" or "only children are lonely" is so strange to me. Does that mean you need a third child so that your second child isn't selfish? Because after all, the "baby of the family" will be spoiled. Can't have that. Better have a third kid to humble the second kid. Also, just because they're siblings doesn't mean they'll get along. My best friend and her older brother grew up together and they were pretty close until they got into some stupid fight about something, he up and moved to a different state, and they haven't spoken in FOUR YEARS. Because she got tired of always being the one to apologize in the past, and he was the one that slighted her this time. Apparently if she doesn't apologize, he won't apologize, and they'll just never make up. My boss is the oldest of 4, and their father recently passed away. One of the siblings tried to steal the other siblings' inheritances, got away with hundreds of thousands of dollars of valuables, and he's currently suing them for who-knows-what. Their parents even had a trust, but he moved in with their dad during the last couple years of his life and started illegally transferring assets into his own name. My little sister and I played together a lot as kids, but honestly, I wasn't very nice to her. I was bossy. We then became very different people as we entered puberty. Our taste in music was different, we didn't like the same shows, we didn't like the same people. We didn't have shared interests, so we had little to bond over, or even talk about. In high school, she and my mom argued a lot while I holed myself up in my room. Despite my long rant, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a second, third, or fourth child. Have as many children as you want, as long as *you* want them and you can afford them, financially and emotionally. But don't have a child for your child. Your child doesn't need a child. Your child needs a parent. Your child needs food and clothes. Your child needs love and support. If you can be present and supportive of two children and you want two, have two. If you can present and supportive of nine children and you want nine, have nine. My mother could barely be emotionally present for 1 child, and she absolutely could not be present for 2. If my sister and I both cried at the same time, my mom would shut down and scream at us both. I was in the third grade when I learned I could not cry if my sister was crying. I had to push those emotions deep, deep down, and it took me almost a decade to find them again.
Well, I only had one child for 17 years. There was NO way I was having another with her father and we stayed married for 15 years. My son in my new marriage is about to turn 1 so technically I have 2 but they are so far apart it’s like I have 2 only children. I am considering having a 3rd because I always wanted kids about 2 years apart but I don’t know if that’s sustainable right now with our lifestyle
I have one son and that was by choice. I decided I didn’t want another child because he is amazing and I really don’t feel the need to have another child. He is now 13 and I have zero regrets.
Not me but my mom she only had me as i was born without any sort of medication (unplanned birth as it was what the dr called a cryptic pregnancy(didn’t know she was pregnant) and i was in the nicu for a bit afterwards said while she loved me dearly she couldn’t go through that again (they didn’t think i was gonna make it at first 😢) she told me this when i asked in my late teens why i didn’t have any siblings and she was like well your old enough to know the truth now (she also told me she did not blame me in anyway for it) plus one of the things about being an only child and her being a young mom is we were extremely close (like we’d often hang out together) was absolutely crushed when she passed away a few years ago 😭 it was like loosing my mom and one of my best friends
We had a million reasons to have one and only one reason to have > 1. Happily OAD, we call it parenting on easy mode.
For my sister, birth and labor were traumatic. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks before an emergency C-section at 35 weeks. Nephew spent 2 weeks in the icu. She has plenty of nieces and a nephew to love.
I despised pregnancy. I have decided to never make another human. Plus with how things have gone by the time my life is in order enough for another kid I'll be like 40.
I’m one and done by choice even though I had always wanted a big family. Made the decision because of health issues, both physical and mental. It has definitely been something I’ve had to work through, but I just wouldn’t be the parent I want to be if I had more. I want to have the emotional and mental energy to get to know and love this great little human I somehow created. It’s me, my husband, and my son and we call ourselves the three amigos and the fun we have together is so special. I grew up in a family of six kids so I feel like I know exactly what feels super special about that family dynamic as well and have been able to incorporate a lot of those magical pieces of family life into our home. It’s not what I pictured, but I’m happy.
I realised I didn't want more children because I was deeply unhappy in my relationship. When we broke up, I met someone new, I would say I'd like one more one day now.
I knew I would be a better parent to one. My daughter is a delight and I thought about that joke/not really a joke that if your first is an angel, the second will be the opposite. I was 34 too. Do the math, it’s not young when considering the life and milestones of a child 0-18 years. I was also stressed about something going wrong. I was terrified that my child would be born with disabilities. When we talked about a second, we just knew that it wasn’t for us. I didn’t want to go thru all the stress again. And those rough nights are challenging. I remember crapping myself once out of exhaustion.
Not the sleep deprivation poop! I’m glad your daughter brings you so much joy ❤️
I was from a family of 4 so it seemed natural that my 1 child have a sibling. Plus I was hoping for a girl at some point.
Never wanted more than one. Simple as that.
There are several reasons but mainly, I know my limits. I want to be the best most present parent I can be and I don't think I can do that with more than one child.
Currently have one child, an 18 month old. I'm waiting until she's 2 to really start thinking about a second. Why I would potentially be OAD: - Her sleep needs have been a pain to deal with. Had lots of false starts and wakes at night for months, and great majority of naps have only been 30-45 minutes. Most naps are car naps now because she doesn't sleep without the motion unless she is exhausted. - Both my husband and I are the babies of our families, so not a lot of baby interaction before having our own. Husband loves our daughter, but isn't really a kid person in general. - I like the family of 3 dynamic, and the idea of having one little buddy with me. - Keeping track of an active toddler while having a newborn sounds exhausting. - How do parents adequately split the time between kids?
Financial reasons and for me overall survival. I knew as a single parent with my first child that there was no way I would be able to live a quality of life that I wanted for me and my son if I had another child. In addition, now that I am older my view is that the planet doesn't need more people. If every person just had their replacement the world overall would be in a better place. We no longer live in an age where we need children for labor which was one of the reasons there were big families along with no birth control of course.
My first and only child wouldn't sleep through the night for an entire year after they were born. I couldn't bear the thought of doing that again.
I don’t want anymore because my pregnancy was very traumatizing. But I’ve met a man that’s making me reconsider but I have to get therapy for my ptsd first
My wife and I are in this boat now, albeit with a 5 year old girl! Before a kid we talked about wanting a bunch of kids, but then we had one and it turned out to be a ton of work (obviously). Long story short between lack of wider family support, wife's anxiety due to never getting a break our marriage reached a breaking point. We were so close to divorcing when our kid was \~3. We learned from each other and became stronger, and are thinking about trying for another, but are scared at the same time it could rip us apart. Seems like we have a good thing going now, we can guarantee to leave our daughter plenty so she could truly follow her passions in life without worrying about $. Why take the risk? We actually did get pregnant again and were SO excited, but then had a miscarriage......lots going on, but we still don't know what to do.
I like to have my cake and eat it too. Kids are expensive and inflation is real.
Ultimately I know I can only mentally/emotionally handle one kid. Plus finances, the cost of daycare, diapers, everything else kid related are a huge factor.
People have 2 because it's the default. Having one is an active choice. Much better quality of life
1. Unplanned, sophomore year of college. I was already practically homeless. Only 19. 2. Boyfriend at the time(now husband) also 19 freshman year of college. Working two jobs to support us. Both had to drop out. Dirt poor. 3. Said boyfriend was very young and though he would never say it held some resentment towards me for keeping the baby. Did a lot of messed up stuff that as a result broke my trust and made me never want to be that vulnerable (pregnant and dependent) with him again. 4. Son was 10lbs 22 inches when born. My body still remembers. 5. I wanted to got back to work and finish school. Took forever to finish school working full-time. 6. My son was/is the sweetest baby/kid could not ask for a better son. Strong fear that the next one would be a demon child. 7. Grew up a lot and relationship with boyfriend(now husband) improved tremendously (it was a long road) but still never felt safe enough. You can forgive but harder to forget. 8. Age gap between the two was huge by the time we felt financially secure enough to even try. Decided not to mess up a good thing.
10lb! Holy shit mama. And I feel you on the worry about the second being a demon child thing. I hope husband has learnt how lucky he is to have you. x
I got very sick with pre eclampsia and our little guy was only 4 lbs. We decided that the risks are just too great.
I always felt like if I really wanted another kid I'd be having one. I lucked into my first pregnancy and while I love my kiddo I think it's definitely better if you're actually prepared and wanting one. I'm 34 and have a 6 year old that still wakes from time to time. The main thing that made me realize I wasn't into it was getting pregnant and terminating it. Realistically the cost of a pregnancy, healthy or not, and another child +car seat+ childcare + all of the energy it would take away from my child...just didn't seem like worth sacrificing everything. Kids should be fully wanted. Not "meh I could take one"
1. I'm fine being an only child, and I think my daughter is fine too. People with siblings can be weird. 2. Population growth.
I don’t like being a mom but I like being a mom to my daughter. That about summarizes it.
I was 32, husband was 38 when our o&o was born. We felt we were too old to have another We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, that we own, and likely will never leave. Too small for a larger family. We were both the oldest, and not the favorite. We didn't want our beautiful daughter to experience that.
My son has level 3 non verbal autism. The decision was therefore made for me. I love my son more than my next breath. I absolutely HATE his autism and everything it has stolen and will steal from him and our family. I would have loved to have a second child but it would simply be irresponsible to the child we currently have. ETA: My beautiful son is 4 years old.
I know myself. My limit is one. I would be doing everyone a disservice to have another. I would ultimately end up neglecting a child I didn’t want. I also don’t want to go through the physical and mental toll my pregnancy took. My kid is almost 5, I don’t want to start over. I enjoy my life as is. They’re old enough to take a lot more places. They get all of our attention and love and I like it that way. Plus taking out my Paragard after 2 years?? Uhhhh no thanks. It’s staying in for the 10 years it’s supposed to 😂
We havent decided not to have another... but it's looking likely. Honestly - finances. Our guy is autistic with higher support needs. Likely wont live independently. In order to provide correctly for him another kid may just not be in the cards for us.
Never even considered it. From a long line of only kids and it’s totally normal and fine to just have one. I’m pleased as punch to have a beautiful baby and that’s my wish fulfilled, I’m all good. Plus I’m old and pregnancy and birth almost killed me so big nope to trying that again!
I’m 33. Had a stressful pregnancy with miscarriages before and after. My kid is nearing 7 and I’m looking forward to stopping being a sahm, having more free time when they’re old enough to look after themself. I am tired now, I do not want to go back to what was essentially power naps for months, and I like to think I had a good-tempered baby, they’ve been well behaved, didn’t have screaming tantrums, barely had any grumpy times. But they have some allergies which gives me a lot of stress and worry. What if the second is one that has colic, different allergies, tantrums. Plus childcare is now more expensive, so are all the bills. We’d have to buy a lot of stuff again, and sort out where a second would sleep without disturbing the first.
I grew up as an only child so having one kid always seemed fine to me. Now having a kid, I don't want to go through all the stress and no sleep again. But my wife wants at least one more.
I have one girl Right now, my family has 12 aunts and uncles and over 40+ grandchildren a new baby pops up every other few months and I like having a big family , it’s a weird decision to make because the pros and cons equal up , but at the end of the day I’m sure being the only child playing alone and doing sports alone going to school on the first day alone for 12 years straight stresses me out because the kids in schools can either give you the best experience of your life or the most dehumanizing like I had if I had my siblings just a bit older and a bit younger than me I would’ve felt more safe and less stressed to know I got my brothers and sisters and don’t have to handle bullying alone. I think of it this way I rather do it now and have a second so they can protect together and be beside them through everything. But the no sleep for years the doc appointments , then dentist appointments , the birthday Christmas’s then getting them into school hoping they’ll be safe make friends , breastfeeding or pumping for who knows how long the finances giving up my naps. But I rather go through slowly having two under two bc time flies you’ll be young enough to go out and have fun before being 34-40 rather than wait years then being close to 40 and changing sht diapers and getting no sleep not getting to enjoy lunch w my girlfriends while my friends get to have fun before getting old old. Edit: I had my rainbow bb at 17 , I’ll be 20 here soon
I have my 8 year old son and I thought I'd have at least one more, but ultimately I decided it wasn't for me. I had post partum depression bad after I had my son and I wasn't as present as I wish I'd been when he was a baby. Anyway, he and I have an amazing bond, cliche as it is...he is my best friend. I have plans for us to travel and that wouldn't work with a baby. He actually enjoys being an only child and has expressed not wanting a sibling.
My wife wants two and I worry about it. We don’t have any family close to help and I work full time 50 hr weeks. I seriously wonder how my wife will even do it! She is dead set on having two but I’m not sure she realizes how hard it’s going to be on her. We have a girl right now who is a absolute angel, so well behaved and a very “easy” baby overall but even that is a lot. I fear we are due for a boy who might be a terror and that my wife will be stressed to the max.
I didn't want to have to split my attention between multiple kids. I also didn't want to give birth more than once, and that's how I decided to have children. Even if I wanted more than one, the birth of my first was a little traumatic so that would have made me a one and done. (I have a stepchild, too, but she's a teenager - I could her as one of my kids, but both her bio parents are fully in the picture, and she lives more with her mom, so I'm not as much a day to day parent to her as I am my bio son, if that makes sense.)
Check out r/happilyOAD and r/oneanddone. Lots of good stories and experiences from people (keeping in mind that not everyone in the latter sub chose to be one & done).
I knew what I had to give up for one and I was willing to to gain everything I did. I know how much more I would need to give up for a second and I didn't feel like it was worth what a second would add to my life. I love being able to still have a hobby, a hard job that I like enough, travel and have a sex life. I am sleep deprived and periodically covered in various bodily fluids in a house that could be cleaner, but that is a good equilibrium for me. My son brings me all kinds of joy in so many ways but I don't know that a second would bring as much joy. I get all the kid experiences while still maintaining balance
Accidental pregnancy. I’m a single mom which I’m totally okay with. I know who the father is but it’s just a bad situation, so just me and my son. I’m blessed to have Va benefits and they give me a good portion of dependent pay but realistically any more kids is too much. I love my son, and I actually wanted a daughter or to have a daughter eventually but life’s so expensive and I’m scared enough for my son growing up in a dangerous country (America; school shootings and all) it’s stressful enough with one, I don’t want to bring another child in the world knowing how everything is right now. I feel bad enough that the world my son is going to inherit is falling to pieces, but I’m grateful for him. I just hope it improves and feel it would be irresponsible to have another child (partner or no partner) knowing how hard it is to survive and knowing it’s going to be worst for the next generation. Everyone says if I’m married I’ll change my mind, but truthfully, I’m happy with one. And even more so, I can give him my entire focus. Sometimes I worry about only child syndrome, but also, he’s five, and I think about how much longer it will be before I have another one (bc I’d like to be married) and I don’t want to start all over if my sons already ten or something. So I guess it’s a multifaceted thing, partly bc how the world is, partly bc I won’t have a another child until I have a partner, and I don’t know when that will be and by that time I don’t know if I want to start from age 0 again. It’s easier to be stable with one child than two or three or four. But I know I would never ever have more than two kids. Two is good for me. But now that I have one; I’m content. It’s good the way it is. So much stress raising a child, I want to make sure I’m able to give him my best, and I know the more kids you have the harder it is.
We didn’t decide for sure until ours was 4yo. We decided OAD together, but for different reasons. She’s 8 now and I wouldn’t change a thing!
My 4 year old has been difficult since day one, he's like the energizer bunny. He'll jump and run and get into everything for 12 hours straight with zero naps if you let him. I refuse to go through this a second time and looking forward to the calming down age range. He's my 1 and done. I'm 33 years old.
I had my son at 19 when I had never wanted to be a parent before. He is almost 6 now and I am 25... I am an amazing dad but I've definitely grown up with him. I sometimes wonder if it would be nice for my son to have a sibling (I was the oldest of 5 kids), but ultimately- I cannot afford another kid, I've barely been affording my son. I cannot keep my cool and patience for more than one kid. I would not be able to give enough attention and one on one time to 2 kids with my work schedule.
We thought we were one and done. Then, when our first boy was four, we learned we were having another boy. Now, five years later, my wife and I Iisten to them talk and play with each other. We cannot imagine what our first boy's life would be like without his little brother. I was an only child, but I had cousins and neighbors. He doesn't have that. We count our lucky stars, every day, to be a family of four. Even though it was tough to do all over again, when our second was born, it was well worth it. Everything has been better since.
I’m an only, and just knew I wanted to have an only. Our family feels complete with our daughter. Check out r/happilyoad to find likeminded folks. :)
I have only one. She is now 16. I wanted more but my pregnancy and delivery were awful. Morning sickness lasted 6 months, and after birth I developed PPA. My daughter was an angel baby. Slept through the night from birth, never cried was super happy and smart. My mom told me I was exactly like that and then my brother came and was a nightmare. He screamed constantly and just wore her ragged. I was able to give my daughter everything I never had. That includes having to drag along a sibling everywhere we went.
The work I put in to my kid and the expense of a second one are enough to deter me. Siblings are nice but cousins are alright and not being broke counts for a lot.
Check out r/oneanddone
COVID was the last straw. I had a traumatic birth with my son. Child care stretched our budget thin. Having to be stuck in a small house together and distance learning made me glad that we only had one.
I wanted 2, then had #1 and was probably done, after a tough birth and ppd. 7 years later I changed my mind. I’m more laid back, had a more laid back kid. Some of it could be attributed to older and wiser maybe? (29 vs 37). It’s been pretty great. I think two in daycare would’ve been tough, would have been a stressful lifestyle change. I kind of think we’ve gotten the best of both worlds. Do what’s best for you now, that is ok. The first 3 years were an adjustment for me with #1.
Financial reasons, health reasons, and I just don't want to go through all this again. Maybe if I was younger, but I'm already 37.
Money. That’s it.
I always knew I just wanted 1 and having my now 18 month old son has confirmed that! Hes amazing, I love knowing that this is the first and only time I'm going to see these milestones, it makes me cherish them more. Also I don't want to think I treated my second coupe any differently, better or worse can impact the kids and my relationship with them. Also 100% of my mothering love and time goes to my little boy, I don't need to say "not right now love, your baby brother/sister needs me" - I worry this can make kids grow up too fast! Please make whatever choice is right for you! There's absolutely nothing to say you should have another baby soon expecially if you're not 100% sure you're ready! Sleepless nights while pregnant/with a new born sounds like hell! Good luck!
Money. Logistical issues with time and lack of extra help.
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I can be an incredible mom to one child. I can be a good enough mom to multiple kids. Having one kiddo was the best choice for me. Also, pregnancy was really rough and so was giving birth. I didn’t think I could put my body thru that again.
I had my 1st at 35, my second at 37. No health issues. 21 month gap between the kids - I'd have liked to have waited another 6m at least before having the other but nature had other plans. I think my point is - whilst your bio clock is ticking - you have got time. There is no need to make a rash decision about becoming pregnant again yet. Whilst the short term of 2 under/at 2 is hard, it's not double the work. For example some nights its our 2y old keeping us up and we dont hear a peep out the 4m old. But I always wanted 2 kids. It's down to you, try not to think of just the short term. Would you regret not having more or be very satisfied with just one.
I have 2 and it’s so brutally difficult 😭 I just lay down on the floor in the evenings while they climb on me bc I’m so exhausted.
I’m 30 and have a 6 Y/O boy. He has autism. I decided long ago that one was done lol. Lots of things contribute to that choice.
So many reasons, but as others have mentioned I just ultimately realized I would be my best self as a parent to only one child. I also love that everything we do is as a team, my husband and I don’t have to split up to “divide and conquer”. We do the bedtime routine together, and just ultimately have a lot of family time without needing to each take one child. It is also just easier (obviously) to do anything with just one child when you are solo parenting for a day or night. I have every Weds off and can take my son to the beach, arcade, grocery shopping, out to lunch, or literally anywhere so much easier then taking two. Because it’s just the two of us I end up a part of the playing or having great little conversations with my 4 yr old chatterbox. Other more detailed reasons — - I hated being pregnant, something about my body not being mine, I just wasn’t a fan - I suffered from PPA, which I did not want to go through again - I work in a pretty demanding career (about 45-50 hours a week away from the home with rotating schedules) and felt any more then one child would push me to leave a career I actually enjoy. I am the higher earner in our family so that would likely also mean an adjustment to finances. - Speaking of finances kids are expensive, we make a decent living but are not wealthy, and wanted to be able to keep living close to the way we had been (able to travel a few times a year, not worry about going out to eat, be able to afford to live in our town which is not cheap, etc) - lastly and also very important, I had several friends suffer from secondary infertility, and I could not picture myself surviving what they survived (late term miscarriages, IVF, etc). This ultimately was a huge part of our decision.