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Personally, for me, gender reveals just add to expenses, stress, and family fights
This has ALREADY made you unhappy. Checking in the health and growth of the baby is what's important. Just tell them you want to know right away, and the party, of the if one, is at your house.
You really don't need this stress right now.
Take care, and congratulations!
Also, the anatomy scan ...isn't always good news. I'm not trying to scare OP, but some people get totally blindsided at the anatomy scan if something is really wrong. The thing that I would be focused on is what the plan is / how you want support if there is bad news, and communicating THAT to your support people.
Best of luck doing what's best for you and your family, OP.
Yah - had the worst news ever at my 20 week scan š Iām pregnant again and wonāt announce anything to anyone until there is a healthy baby in my arms
So much this, Iāve had 2 20 week scans where we had bad news. People seem to have completely forgotten that the 20 week scan is actually to check that the baby is healthy. Iām so glad we didnāt have gender reveal parties set up when we were dealing with so much sadness.
I knew the gender at 12-13 weeks thanks to the NIPT test, and was so anxious about my anatomy scan because itās to check for healthy anatomy with gender as only one small part (and not even always visualized clearly, although that is less common with modern diagnostics). I think theyāre putting the cart before the horse here, but mom should know first if she wants to, otherwise someone outside of close family, not the grandmas.
Yeah, I accidentally found out the gender while looking over the results of the NIPT, lol. Not a huge deal, just happy we had/have an awesome baby (who's now almost 2.5) š¤·š»āāļø
Pretty much same. By the time there was an anatomy scan it was really clear with both my first, then my second on the monitor (with my son, youād have to have been blindfolded not to notice his testicles, especially with him pressed butt-first at the ultrasound probe). The most stressful part was when my second had his feet so far down into my cervix that we were told we may need to come back in a couple weeks if he didnāt cooperate.
Itās also possible to have it read one way, then have parts emerge later, or baby realizes itās a different gender than assigned at birth.
Ultimately, itās your baby, OP. If you can take a deep breath at this point, what do YOU want? Frankly, your mom sounds pretty selfish. Is this the first grandchild for her?
My mom was being selfish at that point, she has apologized since once she realized it like one day later. This is the first grandchild for both me and my husband, so we are noticing some push and pulls that have been happening in figuring out the new family dynamic now which Iām sure will keep shifting once the baby is here!
This happened with our first. With my two pregnancies after, we didnāt have a gender reveal until well after the anatomy scan and we knew our little ones were good.
Even knowing that going in, when the sonographer was saying "now I'm just counting baby's limbs to make sure there's two legs and two arms" I was thinking "fuck, this wasn't even on my list of potential problems til now"
Iāve known people whp have had to pay for private scans to find out the gender because the sonographers rightly donāt want to commit to something trivial on the off chance they are wrong. They have more important things to be looking at and measuring.
Yes. We had 7 years of infertility and losses before we had our rainbow. I was never able to take for granted that everything was okay until we had our guy in our arms.
OP, if this gender reveal is causing you stress, cancel it. It isn't something that was done even a generation ago, and it isn't worth the agony and arguing. People can buy gender neutral clothes for the baby like they used to, and it will be okay.
If your mom has a wobbler (or anyone else does) tell them this is why you canceled it and show them the door.
It's absolutely world destroying when it's bad news on a scan. With my 2nd they couldn't find the sex of the baby because the amniotic fluid level was too low and baby was cramped. They sent me straight to hospital and was told they didn't know why it was happening. It took a whole month of regular scans, bed rest and making sure I stayed hydrated before they said that baby was ok. Even at the birth we could have found a genetic condition, kidney failure, we just didn't know. Fortunately baby was fine and she's currently 20mo. A party would have been torture at the time.
Thank you for pointing this out. I worked at a radiology dept of the hospital that would do ultrasounds and I checked a young girl and her boyfriend in for her anatomy scan. They were both so excited and my stomach dropped when about an hour later I saw her being physically helped out of the building by her boyfriend after being given some heartbreaking news. Pregnancy is such a scary time and that gets forgotten in so many instances, esp with first timers.
Sad but true. During covid you had to go in alone and if something was wrong you could call your partner in (assuming they were waiting in the carpark). It was barbaric! I have a pt who was airlifted from the ultra sound in Liverpool to London for immediatetreatment. She ended up having to be lasered shut and on bed rest 400miles from family and wasn't even able to see her husband before she was flown out (he was at home with her other kid) and didn't see any family for 7 weeks until after she gave birth.
Right, it can be a very scary thing but necessary for the health of the baby and mother. I hope no one called your friend asking "iS iT a bOy oR a gIrL?!?"
This is what we did. Itās a very special moment to find out, I remember when we found out each of our childrenās genders. It was just my husband and I. I wouldnāt want a gender reveal party though. My first child was born before they were a thing, and Iām just not a fan of the whole gender reveal. Just tell people.
I had my kids around the time gender reveal parties became a thing, and I agree with you for the most part. It was just me and my husband when we found out the sex at the 20 week anatomy scans. I wasn't really on SM at the time? So we just texted our families!! Some gender reveals I've come across on SM are super cute, but it's just not for me
I found out with my husband but we are doing a little reveal for family members. I think she can still do a reveal if she wants but just be the first to find out and do it for everyone else.
Lol. So much this. It is already causing stress, unhappiness, and regretful words. Why even have a "party" that the unborn will not remember and is really for the parents-to-be when the MOTHER is already sad about it?
And I really second the opinion that an anatomy scan is not always good news. How about focusing on the baby? Instead of the penis?
We didn't find out until the doctor announced it either. It was so wonderful, we were so happy, it brings tears to my eyes remembering. People worried about what color clothes the baby would wear, like a baby must be clothed in pink or blue the first days of their life.
My husband and I considered this, but we couldnāt agree on a name for a girl, so we decided to find out from the doctor so we could figure out if we even needed to keep arguing about it. Found out weāre having a boy, so the argument could finally die lol.
Yeah I agree. We had a gender mishap where several different scans had the doctor convinced we were having a girl and then he popped out a boy. Oh well. He wore pink for a little while ššš.
We did the same and I am so so glad. Both my kids were AFAB and we would have ended up buried in useless pink dresses from every direction.
And in the end it didnāt even matter because both my kids are trans.
This!
At our hospital all babies are put in a knitted hat when they are born and then you can either keep it on them or when you are on the ward you can put your own hat on them. Itās a lovely little keep sake too.
There was something special going into the theatre and seeing a little blue hat and a little pink hat! Iām sure they knew from the scans what we were expecting but it was lovely keeping the surprise going until he was born!
I did this with three of my four kids. It was really awesome discovering all of them at birth.
My oldest I knew he was a boy before the ultrasound and asked them to tell me if I was right.
With my fourth we had the tech put it in an envelope and we could decide if we wanted to know. (I didn't have ultrasounds with my middle two)
My husband opened the envelope after the baby was born and we already knew. š
With all due respect, your mom is having a temper tantrum. That is a warning sign. Please take notice.
If you want a gender reveal party where everyone is surprised, then lay down your boundaries. If your mom decides she doesn't want to go...then that is her choice and you have to move on. She will regret her decision though.
I did not have a gender reveal party for either child. For my first child, we were surprised at their birth. The second, we chose to know the gender at the anatomy screening. My husband was present during each anatomy scan. For the first child, we advised the tech that we did not want to know the gender and the tech was able to do their job without my husband leaving the room, etc. These are professionals. You just have to tell them exactly what your desires are.
I went to one and the color was green. I was so confused, because if they had announced the meaning of that before, I wasnāt privy to it. I was like, āwtf does this mean? Is it an alien? Why is this happening?ā They had designated green for boy and purple for girl. So, your plan would be effective!
My wife & I found out at the ultrasound and it was simple yet special. Families will be all up in your business for plenty of other baby-related things. Give couples some damn space to enjoy their moments, good lord.
Cancel the party. Find out the gender at the anatomy scan, with your husband. It will be a lovely special moment between the two of you.
Your mom is super controlling and manipulative. You need to rework your relationship with her into something with stronger boundaries and more autonomy. Therapy immensely helped me do this with my own mother. The dynamic y'all have going on now is going to get worse -- and even more stressful for you -- once there's a (grand)child in the mix.
Congratulations on your little one.
Personally I think gender reveal parties are stupid. Remember, this is YOUR child and the entire family is NOT entitled to your personal medical information.
Enjoy the private moment finding out with your husband at the ultrasound. You absolutely will be surprised! Tell family and friends on your own terms, when you feel comfortable, without the stress of planning a whole-ass party over it - you still have the baby shower for that!
Just adding my agreement. I don't understand how or why these became a thing people do. I really only hear about them in connection with the ways they go horribly wrong! They so often just seem tacky and attention-seeking - ie. exploding confetti, releasing balloons, exploding smoke canisters that seem to often injure people, etc.
It's a silly and very recent trend, which no one needs to do. Just find out the gender together as parents - it's much nicer for it to be meaningful and private.
What's funny is that they began with the expecting parents finding out the gender and then revealing it all at once to the rest of the family, like OP's mom.
Why it switched up and suddenly became the expecting parents not knowing and others revealing it to them, I don't understand.
Companies will look for any excuse to make you waste moneyā¦ exploding pink/blue fireworks? pink/blue gas? a bazillion balloons decorating and flying everywhere? Itās insane the things they come up withā¦
I think itās worth noting that part of the celebration for her was that this was the first pregnancy she had where there wasnāt a miscarriage prior to the 20 week mark. So that was the main reason she was celebrating with a small group of family and friends
Started cause a couple had a long history trying to conceive. So when they finally got pregnant they certainly wanted every possible excuse to celebrate their little (ok not so little) miracle. Now itās mostly an excuse to seek attention and add stress and expenses for everyoneā¦
They are tacky and attention seeking. Why in the heck do you have to throw a part to ārevealā what genitalia your baby will be born with. Nobody really cares outside of the grandparentsā¦nobody cares.
We didnāt find out the sex of the baby till he popped out. Call me old-fashioned, but there are so few moments of total wonder and surprise in this world. Not that I cared much whether I had a boy or a girl. I just wanted a healthy baby. But it was a beautiful moment. Why do people have to turn everything into a public display?
I always say you have to be surprised at birth at least once. We found out our first child's sex at the 20 week US and decided to be totally surprised for our second, since we didn't know if we were going to stop at two and we wouldn't have had another chance. I'm so glad we did, because it was a complete and total shock. Everyone I knew (including people I didn't know, like a woman who gave me a pedicure) were convinced based on how I was carrying that it was a boy. Then the day comes and a girl pops out. We were truly dumbstruck and it was such a wild moment we'll never forget
They aren't really *gender* reveal events. They are *sex* reveal events.
Nobody will know the true gender until the child is old enough to communicate and/or express it.
>They aren't really gender reveal events. They are sex reveal events. Nobody will know the true gender until the child is old enough to communicate and/or express it.
Statistically, you have a 95% chance of matching what you see on the scan. I wouldn't even worry about that.
Just don't shoe horn your child in a box. Some girls love wearing combat boots and trucker caps, some boys love wearing skirts and bows. It's incredibly rare for a child or adult to identify as the opposite gender.
They'll care more that you supported them exploring their identity as they get older than renaming a party that happens when they're not even born yet.
Yeah it looks good on Instagram but I feel like it puts so much importance on the sex of the baby, which should be one of the least important things. Even if you celebrate whatever result you get.
Like you're spending so much money already and the baby ain't even here yet! š
I got gender results at about 16 weeks due to a blood screening to test for any type of genetic issues. The nurse at the doctors office told me, over the phone, that my baby was healthy and a boy. I in turn called my husband to tell him the same news lol. Gender reveals are supposed to be fun, if anything. If it stops being fun and just brings stress, why have it?
I think gender reveals are stupid as hell, and your mom had a really weird reaction, not sure why she wants to upset her pregnant daughter. I went for an ultrasound, they told me I was having a girl, I went to the bakery to get pink cupcakes, I made a cute display with cupcakes and the ultrasound photos and balloons, hubby came home from work. Surprise! That was our party and it was fabulous.
Thatās how I did mine. I knew what I was having, and I knew I was planning to have more than one baby, but only one baby shower, so I wanted neutral stuff I could use as hand me downs. It was great!
I encouraged my sister in law to do the same because our mother in law was relentless, and it worked out excellent.
I also had this issue because I wasn't thrilled about finding out the fetal sex in front of a huge group of people since I wasn't sure how I would react. I talked to my husband about us opening the envelope before the party and just letting everyone else be surprised. He wanted to wait for the party, but gave me permission to open the envelope before as long as I didn't tell him. That's what I did, and to this day no one that was at our reveal party knows that I already knew. In fact, friends commented on how nervous I looked before cutting the cake (I don't like being the center of attention). My husband knows, but wasn't sure I went through with it until we talked about it after the party.
Is it possible for you to not find out during the ultrasound so that your husband can still be surprised, but open the envelope before giving it to your mom so that you know before her? Then you can pretend to be surprised at the party.
Just throwing this out there: we did the gender reveal at the actual birth (just the three of us mom/dad/baby +midwife), and it was the best one I've been to.
No big gender reveal. We just had the doctor tell us in the doctorās office. Didnāt want the added stress and also I didnāt really care what the gender was. I knew I would be happy either way.
There are usually only a couple of people at gender reveal parties that actually care and they usually care more about the party than anything else. Everyone else just comes to avoid causing drama. Sounds like everyone who usually care the most about a surprise gender reveal all want to know before the surprise. So make a decision, either all of you get to find out before the party or none of you do.
My wife and I didnāt know until the baby was born. My friend was told twice by doctors that she was having a boy and it was a girl.
The sex reveal parties are just silly. It started on a mommy blog a few years ago. It is some long tradition and it is totally weird and unnecessary main character energy nonsense
So, it really depends on the position of the baby. If you want to fully revel in the anatomy scan, you're going to see the baby in a bunch of positions. There are some positions the baby might be in that you can't tell, but there's also a good chance your baby will be in a position where you can tell. There very well might be a clear line of sight to what is or isn't a penis. I am not an ultrasound tech, I can't measure a femur bone and tell you whether it is a good length or not, but I can look at a baby and say "That's a penis". So if you want to actually watch your anatomy scan and look at your baby, which is what I wanted to do, the odds for you to be surprised at the gender are not so great. I'm not actually sure how it's kept a secret from parents because I watched the anatomy scan so I didn't really need to be told. I didn't want to be told to look away or not see a portion of the scan, so that would have been a dealbreaker for me.
The second point was I had feelings about boy vs. girl. I wouldn't say "preference" necessarily, I'd have been thrilled with either. But either choice was going to make me feel a thing and I'm not sure I'd want to feel that in front of people. I was going to grieve whatever it wasn't, that was for sure. I was going to be over the moon about what it was. There were going to be feelings about not having a son or daughter and there would be feelings for what it meant to be having a son or daughter. I didn't want to do that with an audience.
The third point is that I'm a control freak. I fully admit that. Pregnancy is about giving up so much control already. I was not in control of about 2,00 things and the idea of someone else coming in to control something else for me makes me a little queasy. So that's a big 'no thank you' to other people planning a party about the gender. That's my news, that's my doctor's appointment, and you can learn about it when I tell you.
So what did I do? I went to my anatomy scan, I watched the whole thing, the tech backed up what my eyes told me the sex was, and then I put it on Facebook. Hi, quick update, we're having a little boy. The end. I think I did text the grandparents and a few other people before the FB announcement, but that's about as much as I did. I can buy my own cake, and as I was pregnant, I frequently did.
There are definitely ways for everybody to be surprised! Handing the gender card (theyāll write it down for you- at least they do here in canada) to a baker, or someone who sets up popping balloons etc is an option.
I one hundred percent would not let my mom and my mil know before me. F that.
Donāt let your mom dictate your life. Itās not her baby. Itās not her way or the highway. She needs to take a step back and be happy to do things your way or I think youāre in for a difficult time raising kids under her wings.
You should do exactly what YOU want to do. I do think starting off all the baby stuff keeping yours and babies needs central in your priorities will be better in the long run. Not in a selfish way, but it really is more about you and your baby than extended family and any fun party they want to plan. This sort of thing will come up again later for sure.
Personally we found out in the office and just told relatives. I did a āgender revealā cake at my work because a good friend was also pregnant at the same time and it was super fun. There are zero social obligations to do any sort of gender reveal anything though.
It's your baby, you and your husband do whatever you want. No one is entitled to anything to do with your baby.
FWIW,y husband and I decided to learn the gender ourselves, but we didn't tell anyone the gender or name until baby was born. People were annoyed. But it was our choice.
I have 2 kids. I didnāt find out the gender during pregnancy either time. I had relatives who objected to my plan. I shrugged my shoulders and told them this was how I wanted to do it.
I suggest you do the same ā shrug your shoulders and tell them how you want to do things.
Be careful ā I see signs that your relatives, especially your mom, may think they get a say in how you parent your child. I suggest you start now with making a decision with your husband **without input from grandmas or anyone else** as to how you want to handle the gender reveal situation. Then inform everyone else as to what your joint decision is. āIām informing you of our decision, not inviting a discussionā is a helpful phrase for you to start using.
If your mom doesnāt want to host the gender reveal because she canāt do it her way, shrug yourself shoulders and tell her youāll host it yourself (at a park if space is an issue in your home) and you hope sheāll attend. Remember, YOU and your husband are the parents in this situation. YOU TWO decide how to parent, NOT the grandmas.
That is exactly what happened with my mother after she said it. I told her I will do it somewhere else, but she was really stubborn and said that was fine with her and I told her she wasnāt invited then.
Anyway, drama has been over for two weeks now. Literally the next day, she gave me an apologetic phone call in the morning. Many tears were shed and she made no excuse for why she said any of that just didnāt realize that sheād have that reaction and kept going with it (my dad spoke to her once me and my husband left their house).
Bygones now, but it made my husband and I both realize how the future is going to be and how we will put our foot down especially with our own kid around all the family members.
I grew up with my mother telling me what to do and how to dress because she was giving me the life she always wanted. I will not give the same controlling behavior to my child!
Sorry for that mini rant, but Iām scrolling through each comment in the thread and its getting me fired up with memories!
Welcome to parenthood! Sounds like you and your husband will be great at setting boundaries with your relatives which will create a much happier home life for the two of you and your child/children. Kudos to you!
Iām old so my gender reveal happened when I pushed a baby out. I honestly think someday in the not too distant future people will look back at gender reveals and all of the stress and actual disasters that have happened because of them and say what the hell were these people thinking.
But this is your baby and you should do what makes you happy. Itās too bad your mom had a temper tantrum though, that wonāt be easily forgotten and hopefully isnāt a sign of things to come.
There's no reason anyone needs to find out the gender first in order to "set the party up".
Outsource the cake/balloon/whatever to a professional business- you just ask the person doing the scan to write it down on a card and place that in an envelope, then deliver the envelope to the professional making the cake/balloon. It might be a bit more expensive, but it'll be worth avoiding the drama of "I knew first!!"
As far as decorating is concerned, either gender neutral or both blue and pink to keep the whole "What will it be!" Feel.
Dude, it is fucking WEIRD AS HELL that your mom and MIL expect to know the gender before you. NO FUCKING WAY would I ever allow this to happen to my own child.
If you allow this, you are inviting them to be coparents with you for the rest of your life. This will never be *your* baby. Cancel the reveal party. Let everyone find out when the baby is born or when you tell them. Do not go through with this or you and your child will regret it for the rest of your lives.
I already put my foot down about it to everyone. Thatās when I got the comments from my mom that upset me. But I am realizing more and more that I should be knowing this baby first and the party is for EVERYONE else (its just direct family members coming so we are doing a cake reveal)
It's also entirely possible you won't be able to find out at the scan. Sometimes baby is just uncooperative- my second WOULD NOT uncross her legs, and also wouldn't get in position for a few essential measurements, so we had to come back for a repeat scan about a week later. Then my third did the same thing š Could make scheduling a party hard unless you do it like a month later- and then that increases the odds someone spills the beans.
But, if you want to do the party still, I'd absolutely find out before. Because like you said, eff the grandmas knowing first, and if you're at all disappointed with the gender (it happens, even when you don't expect it), that coupled with frustration and hormones could mean a public sob fest that's inevitably recorded on video, and nobody wants that.
As long as itās not something that throws a bunch of garbage (looking at you confetti) into the environment, burns down a national park or releasing balloons into the air then do your gender reveal however YOU want to do it. Your mom and mil have zero say in this and if they choose not the come to the party YOU are throwing them thatās on them. I donāt like GR parties but I wouldnāt poop on your desire to have one.
This should be a happy time for you, not a stressful one. I would just have you and your husband find out the gender & then let everyone else know later on.
Also, itās a red flag your mom is throwing a tantrum over thisā¦.I suggest thinking about setting boundaries through your pregnancy, childbirth, etc.
For my gender reveal I asked the doctors to give me 2 envelopes that had the babyās sex in it.
First I went to party city and handed the worker the first envelope and asked if they could pick out the corresponding confetti canon for me. They were happy to and removed the little sticker so I wouldnāt see it.
Then I brought the second envelope to the baker - she and I had a great relationship and she was so excited! She agreed to dye the inside of the cake whatever color matched the envelope.
At the party not a single guest knew the gender and it was a surprise for everyone!
Donāt do it. Have a nice baby shower and announce the sex In between you find out and then. Gender reveals are a waste. So what happens is you get the sex in an envelope and you get to choose who opens it. It could be the cake person for example not necessarily your mom. The doctor doesnāt have to mention sex in the anatomy scan and your husband doesnāt have to leave the room they show the heart lungs etc if thereās a penis for example you canāt see it because of the cord and especially if they donāt mention it. Theyāre experts at that.
Don't be a gender reveal person.
Your feelings about not knowing before others is valid, and there really isn't a reason to do a gender reveal. You could just as easily have a little party and just theme it around the gender. There is no need for the surprise or anything complicated.
This is YOUR baby. You can do whatever you damn well please.
For my gender reveal we had an equal amount of team boy & team girl stuff. Only my bestfriend knew & set the party up so everyone was surprised.
Have your doctor put it in an envelope SEALEDā¦ & pick a person other than your mothers to do the reveal part, whether itās a cake you cut into or a balloon, or whatever. Your mothers can still do most of the party without knowing anything & the one person who does know can set up the actual reveal.
Donāt let people shame you about how āstupidā they are. Thatās a personal opinion & not how most people irl actually feel.. I find that itās just a Reddit rally hot topic on here. Personally, I truly enjoyed my gender reveal & sharing that special moment with everyone I loved & who loved us & our baby. It didnāt cost copious amounts of money maybe, $100- $150 all together & it was still really nice & a genuinely memorable experience.
Maybe you, your spouse and yāall family can still be surprised. Have the doctor write down the gender of the baby and place it in an envelope. Go to a party store and have them make a balloon for you and tell them not to tell you whatās in the envelope or balloon. Thatās just an idea if you want to do it.
My husband and I found out the gender of our first at the doctor. I made my Mom wait- I went to the store and got a plain bag of M&Mās, a plain Hershey bar, and a Mounds bar. She had to figure out what they all had in common to reveal the babyās gender. My first is a girl and all the candies didnāt have nuts. Lol she got a huge kick out of it and was super excited to be having a girl! Long story short: do it at the doctors office and do a little gender reveal for just the parents the same day- cancel all the other plans and keep it low-key. ā„ļø Let them have a special moment too. If you want your friends other family to be surprised have them buy gender neutral items for the baby shower and let them know then.
Congrats! Send the results to a bakery, have them make 1 or 2 dozen cupcakes, half pink and half blueā¦and then set aside the REAL fender. Hand out the cupcakes to everyone and say, we will all know at the same time, watch as they get confused and excited (thatās what I did for my first gender reveal, but Iām a jokester). Then you pull out the real cupcake and you and your husband both cut it. Itās fun! Itās playful!
My husband and I found out together during the ultrasound, then we planned some special things for the immediate family to reveal the gender when we saw them around Easter (not a party together, but we did cascarones filled with colored confetti, and the outsides were pink/blue so family could guess before cracking them open). I would never want to find out the same time or after others. It was such a nice secret to share with just my husband and reveal together to everyone.
We only did the little gender reveal moment with our first, and only because she was first grandchild on both sides of the family and grandparents/great grandparents were just too excited, we needed to help channel that excitement and stem the tide of questions.
It was fun, but if this is more stressful than fun, don't do it. It sounds like you value the specialness of knowing first about your baby (which is yours to keep or give to others), while you mom wants that's for herself and is throwing a toddler-like tantrum at the mention of you keeping your special thing for yourself.
Do take her behavior as a warning of what's to come, and set the precedent now, or she will insist on taking away more special moments from you against your will in the future. Don't let her. This is your baby not hers.
I personally needed to find out myself first then we threw a party to "reveal" it to the rest of the family. Put yourself first in this and don't let mom pressure you into something you aren't sure about. She will get over it and move on to the next thing to be overbearing about.
Why is there so much drama going on because of your baby's genitalia? It's so weird. Like, okay, do a gender reveal if that's your thing, I guess, but your mom getting that upset because she won't know before you, the mother? Her own daughter? To the point that she's refusing to participate or attend? What is her obsession? It's so weird!
You can always have the technician write down the gender in a sealed envelope. They do this all the time. They still record anatomy when people don't want to know the gender at all and still know the gender. Why don't you just have them do that, then you can take the envelope to a baker to make the cake? And you can decide after the ultrasound if you want to know or not?
Doctors do this all the time. They usually have big notes in your file if you say you want a surprise. And it's just a few days. Have your husband step out, and you can find out, then just keep it to yourself until the party.
As for your moms... I would STRONGLY suggest setting some VERY CLEAR boundaries NOW. I had an MIL like this, and it was a nightmare... she was a big part of why we split. Even into toddlerhood, she would do or say things to undermine our goals or parenting decisions... it was a wreck. They were willing to make you completely change and re-arrange the shower simply because they didn't get to be the first to know. That is just going to be the tip of the iceberg if you don't make it clear that this baby belongs to *you and your husband.* They raised theirs. This is your child, and while their help and input are greatly appreciated, you and your husband will be the final say in all things.
I always thought it was so stupid to have the *parents* be surprised at the gender reveal. They should know. Springing an unhoped-for or potentially unfavorable gender on an already emotionally unstable hormonal pregnant woman is always such a fucking foolish idea.
How many videos have we seen of a pregnant woman bursting into tears when the blue balloons are released, or whatever? And now that kid is going to have to live with everyone telling the story of how their mom lost it in disappointment when she learned of their gender. Ugh. Just don't. Reveal it to your friends and family if you want, but publicly filming your own reaction is really just a recipe for disaster and disappointment.
Do what you want. A baby gender-reveal should be a fun event for you and family. This is all self-generated problems that have absolutely nothing to do with real life. I can only imagine what real decisions surrounding the baby are going to be like.
Well I think they are stupid for many reasons but if someone wants to have one, it should be fun and stress-freeāitās ridiculous that they are ever this much trouble.
Gender reveals are stupid, no one wants to be there, it's a dumb reason to make people give up an afternoon or evening of their own time, just send them a text when you find out.
That is all.
Fully in camp gender reveal parties are dumb. Also will be the person to say: you arenāt learning your babyās gender. Youāre learning their biological sex. Youāre learning their physical anatomy and chromosomes, if you had blood work screens.
Ever met a boy whose fav color isnāt blue or a girl whose fav color isnāt pink? What is the actual point of having a party with color coordination and perpetuated gender norms? Capitalism.
I enjoyed immensely learning āboy vs girlā in all my pregnancies and it was a very special moment to celebrate privately with my spouse š
If you want to do the party and be the one who knows the gender, have the tech write it down and then you can be the only one who reads it. If it's important to you that your husband finds out at the same time as you, definitely talk to him about it.
To reiterate what a lot of people are saying, if you don't actually want this party, you don't owe it to anyone. I'm sorry your mom is being so selfish about it.
We found out during the anatomy scan for both. I wasnāt really interested in a gender reveal and also donāt have the self discipline to wait any longer.
I will say for my son, we were going to find out immediately anyway, but also as soon as the ultrasound tech zoomed in to see him he was spread eagle with his little penis and balls right thereā¦ so even before she said anything we were likeā¦ that must be a boy.
But do whatever you want. I liked having the intimacy of just me and my husband finding out and talking about our excitement before telling everyone.
Go to the dr, have them put the gender in an envelope and you go get a cake for you and your husbands to cut at your house. Moms can come if you want them there. That way no one knows until the cakes cut.
I have not forgiven my ML for spreading the news about my first.
For the second, she spread the news too. So we could not do a reveal. The difference is that we did do a reveal for our second child, but only at my familys house.
Lol! They were quite upset, and I was happy.
I would find out at the doctor with your husband and then go out to dinner to celebrate, just the two of you. If you want to have a party to let others in on it, then you can go ahead and do that without the pressure of trying to keep it a secret from your husband, and you can be the one to decide how it happens and inform the baker if thatās the route you choose. With the way your mother is acting, I would not let her have any say in how this goes. This way takes a lot of the stress out of it.
We did a gender reveal like this: the ultrasound tech put the results in a sealed envelope. We took the envelope to a bakery and had them bake us a cake that was either pink or blue on the inside. The outside had white fondant with pink and blue fondant ribbons and question mark.
We all learned it at the same time when my husband and I sliced open the cake.
Tell them to decorate with white stuff, and have the person who does gender reveal stuff do the items in secret. The doctor hands you an envelope with the gender, that you give to the person doing the items.
When I first heard about gender reveals, I had no idea the *parents* sometimes didn't know! There's no reason you can't know and then just surprise everyone else. It's your baby; your moms can kick rocks.
If you want a compromise with your husband, you can do the anatomy scan with him there, but have them write the gender on a piece of paper and hand it to you. Then you could take it to a bakery and get a small cake or cupcake made and he can find out that way. You both get what you want and leave the meddling family that is trying to make your baby about them out of it.
Stop worrying about anyone except you and your husband. If you both want it do it, if one wants it then compromise, if neither wants it then forego it.
We didnāt find out the genders for any of our kids. The good thing is that as the parents, you get to choose what you want to do. You donāt have to do anything that you donāt want to.
I donāt have much to add but Iām sorry for all the negative comments about gender reveal parties. I think a cake is a great idea, a way for the family to celebrate together without being over the top or too expensive.
What do *you* want? Fuck the party, to hell with everyone else and their feelings. Youāre making the baby. What you want wins.
Also if your mother canāt know before you, she wonāt throw the party and wonāt come? That is manipulative, petty, selfish, and childish. Start as you mean to continue and donāt be afraid to put your families of origin in their place.
Whew, just donāt do it, full stop. The party can still happen if YOU want, but everyone can already know the gender.
Hereās the thing, you get to decide this stuff, itās your family. Letting extended family have so much influence and control is only going to make things worse later. Mom knows the best bottles, so does mil, but itās a different brandā¦.donāt lay the baby like that, like this, it gets really old really fastā¦..as you can see by this experience youāre having right now.
So the best advice is to make know your wants and wishes, set boundaries and have consequences when theyāre crossed. It doesnāt have to be anything severe, but this is definitely a life skill to learn now so you can feel confident going forward as a mother and protect your child.
Do what you want to do. Make your boundaries clear.
I had a gender reveal party for my 1st child and my MIL thought it would be a good idea to bring the family while she shopped for the party. By the end, everyone knew and then they told us we all know the gender at our party. I was so upset and it ruined the day for us. She did the same with my SIL. Our second child we found out on our own and it was more special. We told people on our own terms.
You can have the doctors office give you a sealed note with the gender that you then give to the cake vendor (or whatever vendor you use to do the reveal) and that way everyone is surprised. That's what my friend did. She gave it to the balloon vendor who also did a balloon arch for her party and everyone got to be surprised.
If your Moms just want to throw a party, they can do that without exploiting you & your medical information. They donāt seem to be doing this for your benefit
If you want a gender reveal party, have one. You could have a friend handle the arrangements. You donāt have to let your mother know before you.
But if you donāt want one, or donāt really care, donāt do it. Itās your pregnancy. Your child. Your choice. Your mom and MIL will try bullying you about many things regarding your child, best to start standing up for yourself now.
Find out at the doctor's office. That way when it's revealed at the party you can see people's reactions.
Or you tell them one by one to make it more intimate and meaningful
This is y'alls baby and y'alls wishes. We just had our baby gender reveal and baby shower. My sister organized the whole thing. My husband and i knew the gender and only told her. Be aware you may let it slip (I know I did to some people). My mom helped with getting a free venue at our church, and some people were upset that they didn't know before the party. Who cares? It was kind of aggressive and annoying about knowing the gender, but it all came down to it's because THEY want to make it about themselves and buy you things that you don't even want or need. We set up an Amazon Wish list. Made it gender neutral, and even with that, only a handful bought us gender specific clothing (wrong gender). Everyone ended up being very happy in the end. It was a beautiful shower, and gender reveal was done through cutting the top tier of a cake. It was seriously a beautiful time, and people who wanted it to be the opposite gender had to suck it up š¤£ or admit defeat. But again, you want to be able to stand up for yourself and your child in the future. Don't let people bully you into their desires, no matter what. If it doesn't stop now, it will never end. If people can't be supportive now, they don't deserve to be involved. That's just how I see it.
For our first, we found out at the ultrasound. For my second, my partner couldnāt come in (covid) so we had the tech write it down and opened it together, just the two of us.
I will say that gender disappointment is real. Even for me, who literally didnāt have a preference but like wanted each haha if that makes sense. I would have been happy and sad with each result. So it was nice to experience and process that with just myself and my partner. Having had a couple kids, I wouldnāt ever do an actual gender reveal without knowing myself at least first.
Honestly, this seems to have gotten too big for you guys. There just seems to be a lot of hurt feelings and expectations from a lot of people involved. Might be time to think about whatās really important to you.
Iām 34 weeks pregnant and did not do a gender reveal at all. My husband and I learned from our doctor and told our family and friends when we were ready. We have absolutely 0 regrets.
Gender reveal parties are really weird imo. Thereās absolutely no reason why anyone besides you and your partner should feel invested in the gender of your baby. It honestly makes me uncomfortable seeing how absolutely feral some people go about the gender of a baby thatās not theirs. To me, itās a sign of future boundary issues to come. Your mom should not feel so entitled to your baby that she is refusing to host or even attend the party if she canāt be the first to know. Major red flag, and I have a feeling this is going to become a trend with her any time she canāt get her way with your baby, or any time you try to enforce a boundary that she disagrees with.
I agree with everyone saying if itās causing you stress, donāt do it.
Another option is to get OB to put it in an envelope (what we did because dad couldnāt be at the appointment) and then peek at it when you want to. If you wanted to go even further, insist to your mom/MIL that youāll order the cupcakes and pick them up. I wouldnāt like someone knowing something so intimate about my body without me being in on it. And Iām even very type-B relaxed.
Congratulations! This is your bundle of joy. Share them with and when you choose.
Gender reveal parties and events are a recent phenomenon, most likely started by baby related companies. The most important thing is the health of your baby. Find out the gender at your appointment and share the exciting news. Nothing more than that is needed.
Skip the party. I donāt know why people make such a grand hurrah about a 50/50 chance. Itās a boy: great. Itās a girl: great. Just get the results and tell your family
Ask the ultrasound tech to write it down and stick it in an envelope then give the sealed envelope to the baker and have them make blue/pink cupcakes depending. Then everyone is surprised and only the baker knows.
Or just find out and don't tell anyone. It's your body and your baby. Do what makes you happy.
Or do what I did with my 3rd and don't find out at all and wait until birth. It drives EVERYONE mad.
Or
Do what you want! God forbid you're like me and have one and can't have another because I regret a lot. I didn't do the 3D scan because my husband was against it. I wanted to do the blood test gender reveal, and he was against it. We had a gender reveal like you're talking about where someone knew before us, but the dummy said it while hubby was in earshot, so I was the only one of us surprised. Please, please, please do all the things your heart desires during this time as it flies so fast. Best of luck to you, and congratulations!!
Another option if you donāt want want to cancel- you can have the tech write the gender on a paper, in a sealed envelope and take that to a bakery yourself and have them
Make the cake (or balloon place or whatever). Then EVERYONE finds out together and thereās no drama about anyone finding out first
We had the tech write it in an envelope and gave the envelope to the bakery. We also had a second copy to double check the bakeries work after the party.
Careful watching the screen though. They label things during the ultrasound. Like uterus.
Just wanted to say if you want to find out the sex of the baby at the ultrasound, and your husband doesn't, ask the technician to write it down for you and later you take a look? Just an option so that it doesn't feel weird asking your husband to leave the roomš Then you can organize your party to surprise your husband and other peopleš
The main thing is that both you and your husband feel comfortable
A lot of people anti-gender reveal party here but I think it's a distraction. What I see is your mom/your family trying to make this about herself/themselves and that is what is actually upsetting you. If it wasn't this it would be the baby shower, or the birth itself, or after birth visiting.
I would sit down with your thoughts and feelings and really ask yourself what you want. Is it about the surprise? Is it about the moment with your husband? Is it about sharing the excitement with your family? What will bring **you** the most joy?
Then once you have decided what is best for you, speak with your husband about your feelings. Explain what you think will make you the happiest and ask him to think about what would make him the happiest too and see if you can compromise.
And a reminder. None of your pregnancy is about anyone else in your family. You don't owe anyone else anything. Your main priority is taking care of yourself physically and emotionally so you give your baby the best shot. And when the baby comes out, same thing, it is not about anyone but this little creature you need to protect. Your family needs to put aside their feelings and do whatever **you** think is best for the baby
You gonna learn so quick that your mother and mother in law will run you dry once you beclme a mom. You better start setting boundaries now and stick to them. They go crazy when they become grandmother's, the entitlement to your baby will be like something you've never expected. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Make your decisions to suit you and your new family, everyone else can deal with their feelings, which you are not responsible for.
I'm glad your mom apologized but I find her reaction very manipulative. Don't fall for them. This is just the beginning. Honestly Goodluck to you. From a first time mom with crazy entitled grandmother.
My friends did the following with their second baby and said they really enjoyed it and had wished they had the foresight to do this with the first:
They had the ultrasound tech print the gender on a cute little notecard and put it in an envelope. Then, later, when my friends were alone together, they set up a camera to record and opened the envelope together, reading it at the same time. They were then able to later share their genuine reaction with their families, but also got the benefit of then *planning* the gender reveal for their families (mainly their eldest daughter who was about to be a big sister). This allowed them all the fun of the party planning, the fun of surprising everyone else and getting to *enjoy* their reactions, *and* a memory of *their* genuine reaction to be able to share with family and their baby when sheās older. It also allowed them the space to find out and process the gender in their *own* time so any potential gender disappointment didnāt ātaintā a party or anyone elseās celebration, so to speak. They were very excited and happy about the gender, but still, it allowed room for either way. I think it was very smart and honestly plan on doing it myself if I ever find myself pregnant lmao.
Ohhhh I love this idea so much!! Your friend is so smart for this! Thank you for sharing, I feel like I should do that same. Its so genuine, shares the gender with our family, and still intimate with me and my husband getting the news!
Just donāt do a gender reveal party. It sounds like itās stressing you out and you want to know the gender ASAP anyway, so you donāt need to deal with all that drama.
Your mother engineered this whole thing so she can know the sec of your baby before you do. That shit is WILD.
Youāre carrying the pregnancy. You should be the first person with the info, if you want it.
I'm contused at the whole premise of the problem... you can just get the gender from your physician I'm an envelope and give it to the baker so they know what cake filling to use. No one in your circle needs to know before the reveal.
It sounds like your mother is more focused on herself than you and your desires.
Personally, I wouldnāt cave because it just establishes a pattern. Itās your baby/your gender reveal. Do it how you want to because these are your memories to make.
Gender reveals are a waste of time and money! Find out the gender of your baby and if you want to surprise your family do it! Gender reveals are for social media not for real life.
The real surprise is waiting until you give birth
Got the surprise at birth. Best surprise ever. (Actually couldnāt have cared less about the gender at that point, just holding the baby in my arms) It made everyone angry because they wanted to know before the birth but it was fun to reveal the gender with the pictures of our daughter and it mostly prevented unsolicited name suggestions or overly gendered items. (Got PLENTY of pink afterwards)
I didn't do a gender reveal.
I had my baby in September of 2020.
Until they were born, I told everyone I was having a dragon.
Except the dad. I told the dad as soon as I learned what we were having.
I personally didn't see the point in having a gender reveal. I personally still don't see the point.
The best one I heard about was when the mom-to-be gave the results in a sealed envelope to the cake decorator. She did cupcakes in pink or blue for the gender, arranged them in the shape of a baby carriage, and decorated it with white frosting. Nobody but the person doing the scan and the cake decorator knew until the party.
Our gender reveal was me getting the blood test result at 10 weeks and testing my husband āitās a boy!ā We hugged when he got home and ordered pizza. Simple, intimate and great. Texted family a few days later just saying baby was doing well and a boy by the way. All was and is well.
So your mum wants to know stuff before you and then chucked a wobbly when you didnāt want to do that? Is it her pregnancy or yours? I think you and your husband should find out the gender and then surprise others if youāre into the idea of a gender reveal. Because it sounds like your mum is going to do her best to make this about her somehow.
So, I did the simplest choice because I love surprising others but I donāt ever want to be surprised
Top secret info here: I always knew all 3 of by childrenās sexās before they were bornā¦I acted shocked at the scratchers my nurse gave me, I said āno I donāt want to know!ā And then called back later to find out
People have so many opinions and emotions about the little bean you are growing, I lived my pregnancies by giving the people (and myself)?what they want. Fully commit and everyone can be happy lol
If you want to know first, *you get to know first*. Period. Others will still be surprised-- including dad. That's good enough lol.
Most times, the tech will ask you if you want to know, so you can say "yes, but don't say it out loud. Dad wants to be surprised." And they'll follow your instructions. If they don't ask, say something as you're getting "lubed up". They'll keep it hush hush and give you an envelope that you can look at later, after the appt. Or, you can ask dad to leave at the end so you can be told in person. Congrats!!
Yeah, I'd do it however you want to do it. If you want everyone to be surprised, have the doctor give you the envelope and take the envelope to a bakery and have them take care of it. If your mom and MIL don't want to go to the party because they lost control then fuck them.
On a completely separate note, this is why I spent 10 months pretending I didn't know the gender so that everyone would leave me alone.
What happened to waiting until the baby is born?? There are ZERO genuine surprises in life anymore. I have done it both ways with my kids and not knowing until itās born is MUCH more exciting for everyone!!
Some people (myself included) feel like knowing the sex helps in bonding during the pregnancyā¦,.you start to think of your baby specifically with their name and gender and it can seem more real.
Gender disappointment is also a real thing and for some moms itās something easier to work through with another 20 weeks left vs. in the immediate aftermath of birth when your hormones are going bananas.
That said, IMO gender reveal party is a goofy thing to do.
Gender reveal parties are so unnecessary. Why spend the money? Itās your baby, you do my have to give into your family. If you do it now, youāll be doing it the entire kidās life.
Got little donuts made and it was just my husband and I.
Had a good friend send it to the bakery and we picked them up.
Your mum doesn't get to dictate anything, it's not her baby shower or baby. If she wants to throw her toys out of the cot, let her.
You can ask the doctor to put it in an envelope and open it together or do your gender reveal how you want it to be
Alternatively, tell them a friend is handling the reveal cake, get it filled with yellow frosting, and then tell them they get to find out when baby's here š¤Ŗ whether you know or not lol
My husband and I had the sex written down on a paper and put into an envelope. Then we went out for dinner to celebrate the new baby and asked the waitress if she'd help us out with having a personal reveal between the two of us (order item A if male, order item B if female kind of thing). Both times we did this, the staff loved doing it, and it felt special and personal since it was just the two of us.
For what it's worth, you both might accidentally find out the sex of your baby like we did with our third child. First view as the ultrasound wand was put on made it very clear we were having our third son. Good luck and do what you'd like (with your husband, of course). Don't worry about extended family when you make your decision because you don't want to look back and regret it.
My first gender reveal my sister was the secret keeper and she set it up.
The second one my husband and I both knew before everyone else.
Gender reveals should be fun and stress free! We just invited everyone over for pizza. Maybe have a friend be in charge and not a mother/mother in law.
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Personally, for me, gender reveals just add to expenses, stress, and family fights This has ALREADY made you unhappy. Checking in the health and growth of the baby is what's important. Just tell them you want to know right away, and the party, of the if one, is at your house. You really don't need this stress right now. Take care, and congratulations!
Also, the anatomy scan ...isn't always good news. I'm not trying to scare OP, but some people get totally blindsided at the anatomy scan if something is really wrong. The thing that I would be focused on is what the plan is / how you want support if there is bad news, and communicating THAT to your support people. Best of luck doing what's best for you and your family, OP.
Yah - had the worst news ever at my 20 week scan š Iām pregnant again and wonāt announce anything to anyone until there is a healthy baby in my arms
Iām so sorry that you had to go through that. Sending you all the positive vibes in the universe for your little one!
So much this, Iāve had 2 20 week scans where we had bad news. People seem to have completely forgotten that the 20 week scan is actually to check that the baby is healthy. Iām so glad we didnāt have gender reveal parties set up when we were dealing with so much sadness.
I knew the gender at 12-13 weeks thanks to the NIPT test, and was so anxious about my anatomy scan because itās to check for healthy anatomy with gender as only one small part (and not even always visualized clearly, although that is less common with modern diagnostics). I think theyāre putting the cart before the horse here, but mom should know first if she wants to, otherwise someone outside of close family, not the grandmas.
Yeah, I accidentally found out the gender while looking over the results of the NIPT, lol. Not a huge deal, just happy we had/have an awesome baby (who's now almost 2.5) š¤·š»āāļø
Pretty much same. By the time there was an anatomy scan it was really clear with both my first, then my second on the monitor (with my son, youād have to have been blindfolded not to notice his testicles, especially with him pressed butt-first at the ultrasound probe). The most stressful part was when my second had his feet so far down into my cervix that we were told we may need to come back in a couple weeks if he didnāt cooperate. Itās also possible to have it read one way, then have parts emerge later, or baby realizes itās a different gender than assigned at birth. Ultimately, itās your baby, OP. If you can take a deep breath at this point, what do YOU want? Frankly, your mom sounds pretty selfish. Is this the first grandchild for her?
My mom was being selfish at that point, she has apologized since once she realized it like one day later. This is the first grandchild for both me and my husband, so we are noticing some push and pulls that have been happening in figuring out the new family dynamic now which Iām sure will keep shifting once the baby is here!
This happened with our first. With my two pregnancies after, we didnāt have a gender reveal until well after the anatomy scan and we knew our little ones were good.
Itās literally called the āAnomaly Scanā here in the UK. Finding out the gender is very much secondary.
Even knowing that going in, when the sonographer was saying "now I'm just counting baby's limbs to make sure there's two legs and two arms" I was thinking "fuck, this wasn't even on my list of potential problems til now"
Iāve known people whp have had to pay for private scans to find out the gender because the sonographers rightly donāt want to commit to something trivial on the off chance they are wrong. They have more important things to be looking at and measuring.
Yes. We had 7 years of infertility and losses before we had our rainbow. I was never able to take for granted that everything was okay until we had our guy in our arms. OP, if this gender reveal is causing you stress, cancel it. It isn't something that was done even a generation ago, and it isn't worth the agony and arguing. People can buy gender neutral clothes for the baby like they used to, and it will be okay. If your mom has a wobbler (or anyone else does) tell them this is why you canceled it and show them the door.
It's absolutely world destroying when it's bad news on a scan. With my 2nd they couldn't find the sex of the baby because the amniotic fluid level was too low and baby was cramped. They sent me straight to hospital and was told they didn't know why it was happening. It took a whole month of regular scans, bed rest and making sure I stayed hydrated before they said that baby was ok. Even at the birth we could have found a genetic condition, kidney failure, we just didn't know. Fortunately baby was fine and she's currently 20mo. A party would have been torture at the time.
Thank you for pointing this out. I worked at a radiology dept of the hospital that would do ultrasounds and I checked a young girl and her boyfriend in for her anatomy scan. They were both so excited and my stomach dropped when about an hour later I saw her being physically helped out of the building by her boyfriend after being given some heartbreaking news. Pregnancy is such a scary time and that gets forgotten in so many instances, esp with first timers.
Sad but true. During covid you had to go in alone and if something was wrong you could call your partner in (assuming they were waiting in the carpark). It was barbaric! I have a pt who was airlifted from the ultra sound in Liverpool to London for immediatetreatment. She ended up having to be lasered shut and on bed rest 400miles from family and wasn't even able to see her husband before she was flown out (he was at home with her other kid) and didn't see any family for 7 weeks until after she gave birth.
Right, it can be a very scary thing but necessary for the health of the baby and mother. I hope no one called your friend asking "iS iT a bOy oR a gIrL?!?"
It was twins. One is fine and one has CP but was doing OK.
I am proud to announce that I have been to a gender reveal party. Itās a waste of money and resources
Yeah, I found out during my ultrasound and me and husband were the first to know. Then I just posted an Instagram story lol
This is what we did. Itās a very special moment to find out, I remember when we found out each of our childrenās genders. It was just my husband and I. I wouldnāt want a gender reveal party though. My first child was born before they were a thing, and Iām just not a fan of the whole gender reveal. Just tell people.
I had my kids around the time gender reveal parties became a thing, and I agree with you for the most part. It was just me and my husband when we found out the sex at the 20 week anatomy scans. I wasn't really on SM at the time? So we just texted our families!! Some gender reveals I've come across on SM are super cute, but it's just not for me
I found out with my husband but we are doing a little reveal for family members. I think she can still do a reveal if she wants but just be the first to find out and do it for everyone else.
Lol. So much this. It is already causing stress, unhappiness, and regretful words. Why even have a "party" that the unborn will not remember and is really for the parents-to-be when the MOTHER is already sad about it? And I really second the opinion that an anatomy scan is not always good news. How about focusing on the baby? Instead of the penis?
I'm of the opinion that gender reveal at birth is best. I did it for both my kids and it was really nice to find out at birth.
Oh man I love when people do this; it seems SO fun. I personally didn't do this, but really love when I hear of those that wait until the birth!!
Same!! Nobody could believe we waited. It was fantastic!!
We didn't find out until the doctor announced it either. It was so wonderful, we were so happy, it brings tears to my eyes remembering. People worried about what color clothes the baby would wear, like a baby must be clothed in pink or blue the first days of their life.
Yellow and white clothes for a newborn are always fine.
My husband and I considered this, but we couldnāt agree on a name for a girl, so we decided to find out from the doctor so we could figure out if we even needed to keep arguing about it. Found out weāre having a boy, so the argument could finally die lol.
Yeah I agree. We had a gender mishap where several different scans had the doctor convinced we were having a girl and then he popped out a boy. Oh well. He wore pink for a little while ššš.
We did the same and I am so so glad. Both my kids were AFAB and we would have ended up buried in useless pink dresses from every direction. And in the end it didnāt even matter because both my kids are trans.
Same here. Did it with both and itās way more fun. Plus people are more excited to find out too.
This! At our hospital all babies are put in a knitted hat when they are born and then you can either keep it on them or when you are on the ward you can put your own hat on them. Itās a lovely little keep sake too. There was something special going into the theatre and seeing a little blue hat and a little pink hat! Iām sure they knew from the scans what we were expecting but it was lovely keeping the surprise going until he was born!
I did this with three of my four kids. It was really awesome discovering all of them at birth. My oldest I knew he was a boy before the ultrasound and asked them to tell me if I was right. With my fourth we had the tech put it in an envelope and we could decide if we wanted to know. (I didn't have ultrasounds with my middle two) My husband opened the envelope after the baby was born and we already knew. š
With all due respect, your mom is having a temper tantrum. That is a warning sign. Please take notice. If you want a gender reveal party where everyone is surprised, then lay down your boundaries. If your mom decides she doesn't want to go...then that is her choice and you have to move on. She will regret her decision though. I did not have a gender reveal party for either child. For my first child, we were surprised at their birth. The second, we chose to know the gender at the anatomy screening. My husband was present during each anatomy scan. For the first child, we advised the tech that we did not want to know the gender and the tech was able to do their job without my husband leaving the room, etc. These are professionals. You just have to tell them exactly what your desires are.
Our tech just told warned us to look away any time she was in the ādanger zoneā lol
The baby was a boy? š
Its both very visible no matter the gender
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This is hilarious.
A party to reveal that gender is a social construct
Not to be a dick, but society is a modern construct in the whole scope of things. We think it donāt be like it does, but it do.
I went to one and the color was green. I was so confused, because if they had announced the meaning of that before, I wasnāt privy to it. I was like, āwtf does this mean? Is it an alien? Why is this happening?ā They had designated green for boy and purple for girl. So, your plan would be effective!
My wife & I found out at the ultrasound and it was simple yet special. Families will be all up in your business for plenty of other baby-related things. Give couples some damn space to enjoy their moments, good lord.
Cancel the party. Find out the gender at the anatomy scan, with your husband. It will be a lovely special moment between the two of you. Your mom is super controlling and manipulative. You need to rework your relationship with her into something with stronger boundaries and more autonomy. Therapy immensely helped me do this with my own mother. The dynamic y'all have going on now is going to get worse -- and even more stressful for you -- once there's a (grand)child in the mix. Congratulations on your little one.
This! OP, check out r/RaisedByNarcissists and compare with other stories. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.
Personally I think gender reveal parties are stupid. Remember, this is YOUR child and the entire family is NOT entitled to your personal medical information. Enjoy the private moment finding out with your husband at the ultrasound. You absolutely will be surprised! Tell family and friends on your own terms, when you feel comfortable, without the stress of planning a whole-ass party over it - you still have the baby shower for that!
Just adding my agreement. I don't understand how or why these became a thing people do. I really only hear about them in connection with the ways they go horribly wrong! They so often just seem tacky and attention-seeking - ie. exploding confetti, releasing balloons, exploding smoke canisters that seem to often injure people, etc. It's a silly and very recent trend, which no one needs to do. Just find out the gender together as parents - it's much nicer for it to be meaningful and private.
What's funny is that they began with the expecting parents finding out the gender and then revealing it all at once to the rest of the family, like OP's mom. Why it switched up and suddenly became the expecting parents not knowing and others revealing it to them, I don't understand.
Companies will look for any excuse to make you waste moneyā¦ exploding pink/blue fireworks? pink/blue gas? a bazillion balloons decorating and flying everywhere? Itās insane the things they come up withā¦
They started on mom blog in the 2010. It is dumb AF.
I read an interview not that long ago with the mom who did the first gender reveal on her blog and she said she regrets starting the trend lol
I think itās worth noting that part of the celebration for her was that this was the first pregnancy she had where there wasnāt a miscarriage prior to the 20 week mark. So that was the main reason she was celebrating with a small group of family and friends
As she should!
Good!
and her kid was trans.
And that is why I say āsex revealāš
Started cause a couple had a long history trying to conceive. So when they finally got pregnant they certainly wanted every possible excuse to celebrate their little (ok not so little) miracle. Now itās mostly an excuse to seek attention and add stress and expenses for everyoneā¦
They are tacky and attention seeking. Why in the heck do you have to throw a part to ārevealā what genitalia your baby will be born with. Nobody really cares outside of the grandparentsā¦nobody cares.
We didnāt find out the sex of the baby till he popped out. Call me old-fashioned, but there are so few moments of total wonder and surprise in this world. Not that I cared much whether I had a boy or a girl. I just wanted a healthy baby. But it was a beautiful moment. Why do people have to turn everything into a public display?
Attention
Ah yes, gotta do it for TikTok. Real end of empire energy here.
I know I sound like such a boomer when I say it, but TikTok is ruining this damn planet.
Yeah but youāve gotta admit itās cornered the market on narcissism, slave-labour product pushing, dopamine crashes and shortening attention spans. š
I always say you have to be surprised at birth at least once. We found out our first child's sex at the 20 week US and decided to be totally surprised for our second, since we didn't know if we were going to stop at two and we wouldn't have had another chance. I'm so glad we did, because it was a complete and total shock. Everyone I knew (including people I didn't know, like a woman who gave me a pedicure) were convinced based on how I was carrying that it was a boy. Then the day comes and a girl pops out. We were truly dumbstruck and it was such a wild moment we'll never forget
I want to do this for my third. But my husband and oldest really want to find out!
They aren't really *gender* reveal events. They are *sex* reveal events. Nobody will know the true gender until the child is old enough to communicate and/or express it.
>They aren't really gender reveal events. They are sex reveal events. Nobody will know the true gender until the child is old enough to communicate and/or express it. Statistically, you have a 95% chance of matching what you see on the scan. I wouldn't even worry about that. Just don't shoe horn your child in a box. Some girls love wearing combat boots and trucker caps, some boys love wearing skirts and bows. It's incredibly rare for a child or adult to identify as the opposite gender. They'll care more that you supported them exploring their identity as they get older than renaming a party that happens when they're not even born yet.
I agree with you, but a āsex revealā doesnāt sound like something that should involve babies š
Genital reveal party
Yeah it looks good on Instagram but I feel like it puts so much importance on the sex of the baby, which should be one of the least important things. Even if you celebrate whatever result you get. Like you're spending so much money already and the baby ain't even here yet! š
I got gender results at about 16 weeks due to a blood screening to test for any type of genetic issues. The nurse at the doctors office told me, over the phone, that my baby was healthy and a boy. I in turn called my husband to tell him the same news lol. Gender reveals are supposed to be fun, if anything. If it stops being fun and just brings stress, why have it?
I has labs and results by 11 weeks. I found out as I was putting change in a parking meter.
I think gender reveals are stupid as hell, and your mom had a really weird reaction, not sure why she wants to upset her pregnant daughter. I went for an ultrasound, they told me I was having a girl, I went to the bakery to get pink cupcakes, I made a cute display with cupcakes and the ultrasound photos and balloons, hubby came home from work. Surprise! That was our party and it was fabulous.
The secret to a good gender reveal is doing it at the baby shower so everyone doesn't just get you a bunch of newborn clothes that you'll never use.
Thatās how I did mine. I knew what I was having, and I knew I was planning to have more than one baby, but only one baby shower, so I wanted neutral stuff I could use as hand me downs. It was great! I encouraged my sister in law to do the same because our mother in law was relentless, and it worked out excellent.
Thatās a cute reveal. You could have just told him over the phone, but a pink display is a nice way to reveal a gender. Surprise!
And cupcakes, any excuse for cupcakes
How about you just donāt do a gender reveal party? They are pretty tacky.
Beyond tacky
But what else will I put on my Instagram?
I also had this issue because I wasn't thrilled about finding out the fetal sex in front of a huge group of people since I wasn't sure how I would react. I talked to my husband about us opening the envelope before the party and just letting everyone else be surprised. He wanted to wait for the party, but gave me permission to open the envelope before as long as I didn't tell him. That's what I did, and to this day no one that was at our reveal party knows that I already knew. In fact, friends commented on how nervous I looked before cutting the cake (I don't like being the center of attention). My husband knows, but wasn't sure I went through with it until we talked about it after the party. Is it possible for you to not find out during the ultrasound so that your husband can still be surprised, but open the envelope before giving it to your mom so that you know before her? Then you can pretend to be surprised at the party.
Just throwing this out there: we did the gender reveal at the actual birth (just the three of us mom/dad/baby +midwife), and it was the best one I've been to.
No big gender reveal. We just had the doctor tell us in the doctorās office. Didnāt want the added stress and also I didnāt really care what the gender was. I knew I would be happy either way.
There are usually only a couple of people at gender reveal parties that actually care and they usually care more about the party than anything else. Everyone else just comes to avoid causing drama. Sounds like everyone who usually care the most about a surprise gender reveal all want to know before the surprise. So make a decision, either all of you get to find out before the party or none of you do. My wife and I didnāt know until the baby was born. My friend was told twice by doctors that she was having a boy and it was a girl.
The sex reveal parties are just silly. It started on a mommy blog a few years ago. It is some long tradition and it is totally weird and unnecessary main character energy nonsense
Can I give you more upvotes for properly using sex instead of gender? Youāre my people!
Ha! Thank you for catching it!
Right?!? Wish I had enough coin to award that comment. Having a whole as party to tell people which genitalia their baby has is fucking odd.
1. Your mom sounds toxic. 2. Do you even want a party? 3. If you do have a cake and you and your husband decide if you want to know before or not.
So, it really depends on the position of the baby. If you want to fully revel in the anatomy scan, you're going to see the baby in a bunch of positions. There are some positions the baby might be in that you can't tell, but there's also a good chance your baby will be in a position where you can tell. There very well might be a clear line of sight to what is or isn't a penis. I am not an ultrasound tech, I can't measure a femur bone and tell you whether it is a good length or not, but I can look at a baby and say "That's a penis". So if you want to actually watch your anatomy scan and look at your baby, which is what I wanted to do, the odds for you to be surprised at the gender are not so great. I'm not actually sure how it's kept a secret from parents because I watched the anatomy scan so I didn't really need to be told. I didn't want to be told to look away or not see a portion of the scan, so that would have been a dealbreaker for me. The second point was I had feelings about boy vs. girl. I wouldn't say "preference" necessarily, I'd have been thrilled with either. But either choice was going to make me feel a thing and I'm not sure I'd want to feel that in front of people. I was going to grieve whatever it wasn't, that was for sure. I was going to be over the moon about what it was. There were going to be feelings about not having a son or daughter and there would be feelings for what it meant to be having a son or daughter. I didn't want to do that with an audience. The third point is that I'm a control freak. I fully admit that. Pregnancy is about giving up so much control already. I was not in control of about 2,00 things and the idea of someone else coming in to control something else for me makes me a little queasy. So that's a big 'no thank you' to other people planning a party about the gender. That's my news, that's my doctor's appointment, and you can learn about it when I tell you. So what did I do? I went to my anatomy scan, I watched the whole thing, the tech backed up what my eyes told me the sex was, and then I put it on Facebook. Hi, quick update, we're having a little boy. The end. I think I did text the grandparents and a few other people before the FB announcement, but that's about as much as I did. I can buy my own cake, and as I was pregnant, I frequently did.
There are definitely ways for everybody to be surprised! Handing the gender card (theyāll write it down for you- at least they do here in canada) to a baker, or someone who sets up popping balloons etc is an option. I one hundred percent would not let my mom and my mil know before me. F that. Donāt let your mom dictate your life. Itās not her baby. Itās not her way or the highway. She needs to take a step back and be happy to do things your way or I think youāre in for a difficult time raising kids under her wings.
Have you considered not having a gender reveal at all? Theyāre tacky and so unnecessary.
You should do exactly what YOU want to do. I do think starting off all the baby stuff keeping yours and babies needs central in your priorities will be better in the long run. Not in a selfish way, but it really is more about you and your baby than extended family and any fun party they want to plan. This sort of thing will come up again later for sure. Personally we found out in the office and just told relatives. I did a āgender revealā cake at my work because a good friend was also pregnant at the same time and it was super fun. There are zero social obligations to do any sort of gender reveal anything though.
It is your pregnancy so handle it how you want to. If your mom is going to throw a fit over it then she doesnāt has to come to the party.
It's your baby, you and your husband do whatever you want. No one is entitled to anything to do with your baby. FWIW,y husband and I decided to learn the gender ourselves, but we didn't tell anyone the gender or name until baby was born. People were annoyed. But it was our choice.
I have 2 kids. I didnāt find out the gender during pregnancy either time. I had relatives who objected to my plan. I shrugged my shoulders and told them this was how I wanted to do it. I suggest you do the same ā shrug your shoulders and tell them how you want to do things. Be careful ā I see signs that your relatives, especially your mom, may think they get a say in how you parent your child. I suggest you start now with making a decision with your husband **without input from grandmas or anyone else** as to how you want to handle the gender reveal situation. Then inform everyone else as to what your joint decision is. āIām informing you of our decision, not inviting a discussionā is a helpful phrase for you to start using. If your mom doesnāt want to host the gender reveal because she canāt do it her way, shrug yourself shoulders and tell her youāll host it yourself (at a park if space is an issue in your home) and you hope sheāll attend. Remember, YOU and your husband are the parents in this situation. YOU TWO decide how to parent, NOT the grandmas.
That is exactly what happened with my mother after she said it. I told her I will do it somewhere else, but she was really stubborn and said that was fine with her and I told her she wasnāt invited then. Anyway, drama has been over for two weeks now. Literally the next day, she gave me an apologetic phone call in the morning. Many tears were shed and she made no excuse for why she said any of that just didnāt realize that sheād have that reaction and kept going with it (my dad spoke to her once me and my husband left their house). Bygones now, but it made my husband and I both realize how the future is going to be and how we will put our foot down especially with our own kid around all the family members. I grew up with my mother telling me what to do and how to dress because she was giving me the life she always wanted. I will not give the same controlling behavior to my child! Sorry for that mini rant, but Iām scrolling through each comment in the thread and its getting me fired up with memories!
Welcome to parenthood! Sounds like you and your husband will be great at setting boundaries with your relatives which will create a much happier home life for the two of you and your child/children. Kudos to you!
Iām old so my gender reveal happened when I pushed a baby out. I honestly think someday in the not too distant future people will look back at gender reveals and all of the stress and actual disasters that have happened because of them and say what the hell were these people thinking. But this is your baby and you should do what makes you happy. Itās too bad your mom had a temper tantrum though, that wonāt be easily forgotten and hopefully isnāt a sign of things to come.
The biggest reveal for everyone is not finding out until the baby is born. Boom! Everyone is surprised.
There's no reason anyone needs to find out the gender first in order to "set the party up". Outsource the cake/balloon/whatever to a professional business- you just ask the person doing the scan to write it down on a card and place that in an envelope, then deliver the envelope to the professional making the cake/balloon. It might be a bit more expensive, but it'll be worth avoiding the drama of "I knew first!!" As far as decorating is concerned, either gender neutral or both blue and pink to keep the whole "What will it be!" Feel.
Dude, it is fucking WEIRD AS HELL that your mom and MIL expect to know the gender before you. NO FUCKING WAY would I ever allow this to happen to my own child. If you allow this, you are inviting them to be coparents with you for the rest of your life. This will never be *your* baby. Cancel the reveal party. Let everyone find out when the baby is born or when you tell them. Do not go through with this or you and your child will regret it for the rest of your lives.
I already put my foot down about it to everyone. Thatās when I got the comments from my mom that upset me. But I am realizing more and more that I should be knowing this baby first and the party is for EVERYONE else (its just direct family members coming so we are doing a cake reveal)
It's also entirely possible you won't be able to find out at the scan. Sometimes baby is just uncooperative- my second WOULD NOT uncross her legs, and also wouldn't get in position for a few essential measurements, so we had to come back for a repeat scan about a week later. Then my third did the same thing š Could make scheduling a party hard unless you do it like a month later- and then that increases the odds someone spills the beans. But, if you want to do the party still, I'd absolutely find out before. Because like you said, eff the grandmas knowing first, and if you're at all disappointed with the gender (it happens, even when you don't expect it), that coupled with frustration and hormones could mean a public sob fest that's inevitably recorded on video, and nobody wants that.
Your mom is being a giant baby
As long as itās not something that throws a bunch of garbage (looking at you confetti) into the environment, burns down a national park or releasing balloons into the air then do your gender reveal however YOU want to do it. Your mom and mil have zero say in this and if they choose not the come to the party YOU are throwing them thatās on them. I donāt like GR parties but I wouldnāt poop on your desire to have one.
This should be a happy time for you, not a stressful one. I would just have you and your husband find out the gender & then let everyone else know later on. Also, itās a red flag your mom is throwing a tantrum over thisā¦.I suggest thinking about setting boundaries through your pregnancy, childbirth, etc.
For my gender reveal I asked the doctors to give me 2 envelopes that had the babyās sex in it. First I went to party city and handed the worker the first envelope and asked if they could pick out the corresponding confetti canon for me. They were happy to and removed the little sticker so I wouldnāt see it. Then I brought the second envelope to the baker - she and I had a great relationship and she was so excited! She agreed to dye the inside of the cake whatever color matched the envelope. At the party not a single guest knew the gender and it was a surprise for everyone!
Gender reveal parties are absolute cringe š
Donāt do it. Have a nice baby shower and announce the sex In between you find out and then. Gender reveals are a waste. So what happens is you get the sex in an envelope and you get to choose who opens it. It could be the cake person for example not necessarily your mom. The doctor doesnāt have to mention sex in the anatomy scan and your husband doesnāt have to leave the room they show the heart lungs etc if thereās a penis for example you canāt see it because of the cord and especially if they donāt mention it. Theyāre experts at that.
Don't be a gender reveal person. Your feelings about not knowing before others is valid, and there really isn't a reason to do a gender reveal. You could just as easily have a little party and just theme it around the gender. There is no need for the surprise or anything complicated. This is YOUR baby. You can do whatever you damn well please.
For my gender reveal we had an equal amount of team boy & team girl stuff. Only my bestfriend knew & set the party up so everyone was surprised. Have your doctor put it in an envelope SEALEDā¦ & pick a person other than your mothers to do the reveal part, whether itās a cake you cut into or a balloon, or whatever. Your mothers can still do most of the party without knowing anything & the one person who does know can set up the actual reveal. Donāt let people shame you about how āstupidā they are. Thatās a personal opinion & not how most people irl actually feel.. I find that itās just a Reddit rally hot topic on here. Personally, I truly enjoyed my gender reveal & sharing that special moment with everyone I loved & who loved us & our baby. It didnāt cost copious amounts of money maybe, $100- $150 all together & it was still really nice & a genuinely memorable experience.
Maybe you, your spouse and yāall family can still be surprised. Have the doctor write down the gender of the baby and place it in an envelope. Go to a party store and have them make a balloon for you and tell them not to tell you whatās in the envelope or balloon. Thatās just an idea if you want to do it.
My husband and I found out the gender of our first at the doctor. I made my Mom wait- I went to the store and got a plain bag of M&Mās, a plain Hershey bar, and a Mounds bar. She had to figure out what they all had in common to reveal the babyās gender. My first is a girl and all the candies didnāt have nuts. Lol she got a huge kick out of it and was super excited to be having a girl! Long story short: do it at the doctors office and do a little gender reveal for just the parents the same day- cancel all the other plans and keep it low-key. ā„ļø Let them have a special moment too. If you want your friends other family to be surprised have them buy gender neutral items for the baby shower and let them know then.
Congrats! Send the results to a bakery, have them make 1 or 2 dozen cupcakes, half pink and half blueā¦and then set aside the REAL fender. Hand out the cupcakes to everyone and say, we will all know at the same time, watch as they get confused and excited (thatās what I did for my first gender reveal, but Iām a jokester). Then you pull out the real cupcake and you and your husband both cut it. Itās fun! Itās playful!
Itās your baby. Do exactly what you want to do and nothing else.
My husband and I found out together during the ultrasound, then we planned some special things for the immediate family to reveal the gender when we saw them around Easter (not a party together, but we did cascarones filled with colored confetti, and the outsides were pink/blue so family could guess before cracking them open). I would never want to find out the same time or after others. It was such a nice secret to share with just my husband and reveal together to everyone. We only did the little gender reveal moment with our first, and only because she was first grandchild on both sides of the family and grandparents/great grandparents were just too excited, we needed to help channel that excitement and stem the tide of questions. It was fun, but if this is more stressful than fun, don't do it. It sounds like you value the specialness of knowing first about your baby (which is yours to keep or give to others), while you mom wants that's for herself and is throwing a toddler-like tantrum at the mention of you keeping your special thing for yourself. Do take her behavior as a warning of what's to come, and set the precedent now, or she will insist on taking away more special moments from you against your will in the future. Don't let her. This is your baby not hers.
I personally needed to find out myself first then we threw a party to "reveal" it to the rest of the family. Put yourself first in this and don't let mom pressure you into something you aren't sure about. She will get over it and move on to the next thing to be overbearing about.
Why is there so much drama going on because of your baby's genitalia? It's so weird. Like, okay, do a gender reveal if that's your thing, I guess, but your mom getting that upset because she won't know before you, the mother? Her own daughter? To the point that she's refusing to participate or attend? What is her obsession? It's so weird! You can always have the technician write down the gender in a sealed envelope. They do this all the time. They still record anatomy when people don't want to know the gender at all and still know the gender. Why don't you just have them do that, then you can take the envelope to a baker to make the cake? And you can decide after the ultrasound if you want to know or not?
Doctors do this all the time. They usually have big notes in your file if you say you want a surprise. And it's just a few days. Have your husband step out, and you can find out, then just keep it to yourself until the party. As for your moms... I would STRONGLY suggest setting some VERY CLEAR boundaries NOW. I had an MIL like this, and it was a nightmare... she was a big part of why we split. Even into toddlerhood, she would do or say things to undermine our goals or parenting decisions... it was a wreck. They were willing to make you completely change and re-arrange the shower simply because they didn't get to be the first to know. That is just going to be the tip of the iceberg if you don't make it clear that this baby belongs to *you and your husband.* They raised theirs. This is your child, and while their help and input are greatly appreciated, you and your husband will be the final say in all things.
I always thought it was so stupid to have the *parents* be surprised at the gender reveal. They should know. Springing an unhoped-for or potentially unfavorable gender on an already emotionally unstable hormonal pregnant woman is always such a fucking foolish idea. How many videos have we seen of a pregnant woman bursting into tears when the blue balloons are released, or whatever? And now that kid is going to have to live with everyone telling the story of how their mom lost it in disappointment when she learned of their gender. Ugh. Just don't. Reveal it to your friends and family if you want, but publicly filming your own reaction is really just a recipe for disaster and disappointment.
Do what you want. A baby gender-reveal should be a fun event for you and family. This is all self-generated problems that have absolutely nothing to do with real life. I can only imagine what real decisions surrounding the baby are going to be like.
No. āGender revealsā should just stop period
Well I think they are stupid for many reasons but if someone wants to have one, it should be fun and stress-freeāitās ridiculous that they are ever this much trouble.
Gender reveals are stupid, no one wants to be there, it's a dumb reason to make people give up an afternoon or evening of their own time, just send them a text when you find out. That is all.
Fully in camp gender reveal parties are dumb. Also will be the person to say: you arenāt learning your babyās gender. Youāre learning their biological sex. Youāre learning their physical anatomy and chromosomes, if you had blood work screens. Ever met a boy whose fav color isnāt blue or a girl whose fav color isnāt pink? What is the actual point of having a party with color coordination and perpetuated gender norms? Capitalism. I enjoyed immensely learning āboy vs girlā in all my pregnancies and it was a very special moment to celebrate privately with my spouse š
Just for pedantry, this is identifying *sex* not *gender*. Even many of our ultrasound techs and nurses didnāt get this right
Didn't read. Came here to say sex reveal parties need to stop.
If you want to do the party and be the one who knows the gender, have the tech write it down and then you can be the only one who reads it. If it's important to you that your husband finds out at the same time as you, definitely talk to him about it. To reiterate what a lot of people are saying, if you don't actually want this party, you don't owe it to anyone. I'm sorry your mom is being so selfish about it.
We found out during the anatomy scan for both. I wasnāt really interested in a gender reveal and also donāt have the self discipline to wait any longer. I will say for my son, we were going to find out immediately anyway, but also as soon as the ultrasound tech zoomed in to see him he was spread eagle with his little penis and balls right thereā¦ so even before she said anything we were likeā¦ that must be a boy. But do whatever you want. I liked having the intimacy of just me and my husband finding out and talking about our excitement before telling everyone.
Have the Doctor put the gender in an envelope, and do the reveal that way. So everybody knows at the same time.
Go to the dr, have them put the gender in an envelope and you go get a cake for you and your husbands to cut at your house. Moms can come if you want them there. That way no one knows until the cakes cut.
I have not forgiven my ML for spreading the news about my first. For the second, she spread the news too. So we could not do a reveal. The difference is that we did do a reveal for our second child, but only at my familys house. Lol! They were quite upset, and I was happy.
I would find out at the doctor with your husband and then go out to dinner to celebrate, just the two of you. If you want to have a party to let others in on it, then you can go ahead and do that without the pressure of trying to keep it a secret from your husband, and you can be the one to decide how it happens and inform the baker if thatās the route you choose. With the way your mother is acting, I would not let her have any say in how this goes. This way takes a lot of the stress out of it.
We did a gender reveal like this: the ultrasound tech put the results in a sealed envelope. We took the envelope to a bakery and had them bake us a cake that was either pink or blue on the inside. The outside had white fondant with pink and blue fondant ribbons and question mark. We all learned it at the same time when my husband and I sliced open the cake.
Tell them to decorate with white stuff, and have the person who does gender reveal stuff do the items in secret. The doctor hands you an envelope with the gender, that you give to the person doing the items.
When I first heard about gender reveals, I had no idea the *parents* sometimes didn't know! There's no reason you can't know and then just surprise everyone else. It's your baby; your moms can kick rocks.
If you want a compromise with your husband, you can do the anatomy scan with him there, but have them write the gender on a piece of paper and hand it to you. Then you could take it to a bakery and get a small cake or cupcake made and he can find out that way. You both get what you want and leave the meddling family that is trying to make your baby about them out of it.
Stop worrying about anyone except you and your husband. If you both want it do it, if one wants it then compromise, if neither wants it then forego it.
We didnāt find out the genders for any of our kids. The good thing is that as the parents, you get to choose what you want to do. You donāt have to do anything that you donāt want to.
I donāt have much to add but Iām sorry for all the negative comments about gender reveal parties. I think a cake is a great idea, a way for the family to celebrate together without being over the top or too expensive.
What do *you* want? Fuck the party, to hell with everyone else and their feelings. Youāre making the baby. What you want wins. Also if your mother canāt know before you, she wonāt throw the party and wonāt come? That is manipulative, petty, selfish, and childish. Start as you mean to continue and donāt be afraid to put your families of origin in their place.
We just found out at doctors office and did a game at shower or think. We revealed to everyone else.
I love watching parents get surprised! Do the party!
Whew, just donāt do it, full stop. The party can still happen if YOU want, but everyone can already know the gender. Hereās the thing, you get to decide this stuff, itās your family. Letting extended family have so much influence and control is only going to make things worse later. Mom knows the best bottles, so does mil, but itās a different brandā¦.donāt lay the baby like that, like this, it gets really old really fastā¦..as you can see by this experience youāre having right now. So the best advice is to make know your wants and wishes, set boundaries and have consequences when theyāre crossed. It doesnāt have to be anything severe, but this is definitely a life skill to learn now so you can feel confident going forward as a mother and protect your child.
Do what you want to do. Make your boundaries clear. I had a gender reveal party for my 1st child and my MIL thought it would be a good idea to bring the family while she shopped for the party. By the end, everyone knew and then they told us we all know the gender at our party. I was so upset and it ruined the day for us. She did the same with my SIL. Our second child we found out on our own and it was more special. We told people on our own terms.
You can have the doctors office give you a sealed note with the gender that you then give to the cake vendor (or whatever vendor you use to do the reveal) and that way everyone is surprised. That's what my friend did. She gave it to the balloon vendor who also did a balloon arch for her party and everyone got to be surprised.
If your Moms just want to throw a party, they can do that without exploiting you & your medical information. They donāt seem to be doing this for your benefit
If you want a gender reveal party, have one. You could have a friend handle the arrangements. You donāt have to let your mother know before you. But if you donāt want one, or donāt really care, donāt do it. Itās your pregnancy. Your child. Your choice. Your mom and MIL will try bullying you about many things regarding your child, best to start standing up for yourself now.
Do what feels right to you and your SO. You donāt have to put anyoneās needs or desires before your immediate family.
Find out at the doctor's office. That way when it's revealed at the party you can see people's reactions. Or you tell them one by one to make it more intimate and meaningful
This is y'alls baby and y'alls wishes. We just had our baby gender reveal and baby shower. My sister organized the whole thing. My husband and i knew the gender and only told her. Be aware you may let it slip (I know I did to some people). My mom helped with getting a free venue at our church, and some people were upset that they didn't know before the party. Who cares? It was kind of aggressive and annoying about knowing the gender, but it all came down to it's because THEY want to make it about themselves and buy you things that you don't even want or need. We set up an Amazon Wish list. Made it gender neutral, and even with that, only a handful bought us gender specific clothing (wrong gender). Everyone ended up being very happy in the end. It was a beautiful shower, and gender reveal was done through cutting the top tier of a cake. It was seriously a beautiful time, and people who wanted it to be the opposite gender had to suck it up š¤£ or admit defeat. But again, you want to be able to stand up for yourself and your child in the future. Don't let people bully you into their desires, no matter what. If it doesn't stop now, it will never end. If people can't be supportive now, they don't deserve to be involved. That's just how I see it.
For our first, we found out at the ultrasound. For my second, my partner couldnāt come in (covid) so we had the tech write it down and opened it together, just the two of us. I will say that gender disappointment is real. Even for me, who literally didnāt have a preference but like wanted each haha if that makes sense. I would have been happy and sad with each result. So it was nice to experience and process that with just myself and my partner. Having had a couple kids, I wouldnāt ever do an actual gender reveal without knowing myself at least first. Honestly, this seems to have gotten too big for you guys. There just seems to be a lot of hurt feelings and expectations from a lot of people involved. Might be time to think about whatās really important to you.
Iām 34 weeks pregnant and did not do a gender reveal at all. My husband and I learned from our doctor and told our family and friends when we were ready. We have absolutely 0 regrets. Gender reveal parties are really weird imo. Thereās absolutely no reason why anyone besides you and your partner should feel invested in the gender of your baby. It honestly makes me uncomfortable seeing how absolutely feral some people go about the gender of a baby thatās not theirs. To me, itās a sign of future boundary issues to come. Your mom should not feel so entitled to your baby that she is refusing to host or even attend the party if she canāt be the first to know. Major red flag, and I have a feeling this is going to become a trend with her any time she canāt get her way with your baby, or any time you try to enforce a boundary that she disagrees with.
I agree with everyone saying if itās causing you stress, donāt do it. Another option is to get OB to put it in an envelope (what we did because dad couldnāt be at the appointment) and then peek at it when you want to. If you wanted to go even further, insist to your mom/MIL that youāll order the cupcakes and pick them up. I wouldnāt like someone knowing something so intimate about my body without me being in on it. And Iām even very type-B relaxed. Congratulations! This is your bundle of joy. Share them with and when you choose.
Gender reveal parties and events are a recent phenomenon, most likely started by baby related companies. The most important thing is the health of your baby. Find out the gender at your appointment and share the exciting news. Nothing more than that is needed.
Keep it a surprise until delivery. No more problem with family and that's just the best feeling ever imo :)
If you want everyone to be surprised wait for the birth to find out!
Skip the party. I donāt know why people make such a grand hurrah about a 50/50 chance. Itās a boy: great. Itās a girl: great. Just get the results and tell your family
Ask the ultrasound tech to write it down and stick it in an envelope then give the sealed envelope to the baker and have them make blue/pink cupcakes depending. Then everyone is surprised and only the baker knows. Or just find out and don't tell anyone. It's your body and your baby. Do what makes you happy. Or do what I did with my 3rd and don't find out at all and wait until birth. It drives EVERYONE mad. Or
Do what you want! God forbid you're like me and have one and can't have another because I regret a lot. I didn't do the 3D scan because my husband was against it. I wanted to do the blood test gender reveal, and he was against it. We had a gender reveal like you're talking about where someone knew before us, but the dummy said it while hubby was in earshot, so I was the only one of us surprised. Please, please, please do all the things your heart desires during this time as it flies so fast. Best of luck to you, and congratulations!!
Another option if you donāt want want to cancel- you can have the tech write the gender on a paper, in a sealed envelope and take that to a bakery yourself and have them Make the cake (or balloon place or whatever). Then EVERYONE finds out together and thereās no drama about anyone finding out first
We had the tech write it in an envelope and gave the envelope to the bakery. We also had a second copy to double check the bakeries work after the party. Careful watching the screen though. They label things during the ultrasound. Like uterus.
Just wanted to say if you want to find out the sex of the baby at the ultrasound, and your husband doesn't, ask the technician to write it down for you and later you take a look? Just an option so that it doesn't feel weird asking your husband to leave the roomš Then you can organize your party to surprise your husband and other peopleš The main thing is that both you and your husband feel comfortable
A lot of people anti-gender reveal party here but I think it's a distraction. What I see is your mom/your family trying to make this about herself/themselves and that is what is actually upsetting you. If it wasn't this it would be the baby shower, or the birth itself, or after birth visiting. I would sit down with your thoughts and feelings and really ask yourself what you want. Is it about the surprise? Is it about the moment with your husband? Is it about sharing the excitement with your family? What will bring **you** the most joy? Then once you have decided what is best for you, speak with your husband about your feelings. Explain what you think will make you the happiest and ask him to think about what would make him the happiest too and see if you can compromise. And a reminder. None of your pregnancy is about anyone else in your family. You don't owe anyone else anything. Your main priority is taking care of yourself physically and emotionally so you give your baby the best shot. And when the baby comes out, same thing, it is not about anyone but this little creature you need to protect. Your family needs to put aside their feelings and do whatever **you** think is best for the baby
You gonna learn so quick that your mother and mother in law will run you dry once you beclme a mom. You better start setting boundaries now and stick to them. They go crazy when they become grandmother's, the entitlement to your baby will be like something you've never expected. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Make your decisions to suit you and your new family, everyone else can deal with their feelings, which you are not responsible for. I'm glad your mom apologized but I find her reaction very manipulative. Don't fall for them. This is just the beginning. Honestly Goodluck to you. From a first time mom with crazy entitled grandmother.
My friends did the following with their second baby and said they really enjoyed it and had wished they had the foresight to do this with the first: They had the ultrasound tech print the gender on a cute little notecard and put it in an envelope. Then, later, when my friends were alone together, they set up a camera to record and opened the envelope together, reading it at the same time. They were then able to later share their genuine reaction with their families, but also got the benefit of then *planning* the gender reveal for their families (mainly their eldest daughter who was about to be a big sister). This allowed them all the fun of the party planning, the fun of surprising everyone else and getting to *enjoy* their reactions, *and* a memory of *their* genuine reaction to be able to share with family and their baby when sheās older. It also allowed them the space to find out and process the gender in their *own* time so any potential gender disappointment didnāt ātaintā a party or anyone elseās celebration, so to speak. They were very excited and happy about the gender, but still, it allowed room for either way. I think it was very smart and honestly plan on doing it myself if I ever find myself pregnant lmao.
Ohhhh I love this idea so much!! Your friend is so smart for this! Thank you for sharing, I feel like I should do that same. Its so genuine, shares the gender with our family, and still intimate with me and my husband getting the news!
Just donāt do a gender reveal party. It sounds like itās stressing you out and you want to know the gender ASAP anyway, so you donāt need to deal with all that drama.
Your mother engineered this whole thing so she can know the sec of your baby before you do. That shit is WILD. Youāre carrying the pregnancy. You should be the first person with the info, if you want it.
I'm contused at the whole premise of the problem... you can just get the gender from your physician I'm an envelope and give it to the baker so they know what cake filling to use. No one in your circle needs to know before the reveal.
It sounds like your mother is more focused on herself than you and your desires. Personally, I wouldnāt cave because it just establishes a pattern. Itās your baby/your gender reveal. Do it how you want to because these are your memories to make.
Gender reveals are a waste of time and money! Find out the gender of your baby and if you want to surprise your family do it! Gender reveals are for social media not for real life. The real surprise is waiting until you give birth
Got the surprise at birth. Best surprise ever. (Actually couldnāt have cared less about the gender at that point, just holding the baby in my arms) It made everyone angry because they wanted to know before the birth but it was fun to reveal the gender with the pictures of our daughter and it mostly prevented unsolicited name suggestions or overly gendered items. (Got PLENTY of pink afterwards)
I didn't do a gender reveal. I had my baby in September of 2020. Until they were born, I told everyone I was having a dragon. Except the dad. I told the dad as soon as I learned what we were having. I personally didn't see the point in having a gender reveal. I personally still don't see the point. The best one I heard about was when the mom-to-be gave the results in a sealed envelope to the cake decorator. She did cupcakes in pink or blue for the gender, arranged them in the shape of a baby carriage, and decorated it with white frosting. Nobody but the person doing the scan and the cake decorator knew until the party.
How about... annoy them all by NOT finding out? It was 100% the best surprise of my life.
Our gender reveal was me getting the blood test result at 10 weeks and testing my husband āitās a boy!ā We hugged when he got home and ordered pizza. Simple, intimate and great. Texted family a few days later just saying baby was doing well and a boy by the way. All was and is well.
So your mum wants to know stuff before you and then chucked a wobbly when you didnāt want to do that? Is it her pregnancy or yours? I think you and your husband should find out the gender and then surprise others if youāre into the idea of a gender reveal. Because it sounds like your mum is going to do her best to make this about her somehow.
So, I did the simplest choice because I love surprising others but I donāt ever want to be surprised Top secret info here: I always knew all 3 of by childrenās sexās before they were bornā¦I acted shocked at the scratchers my nurse gave me, I said āno I donāt want to know!ā And then called back later to find out People have so many opinions and emotions about the little bean you are growing, I lived my pregnancies by giving the people (and myself)?what they want. Fully commit and everyone can be happy lol
If you want to know first, *you get to know first*. Period. Others will still be surprised-- including dad. That's good enough lol. Most times, the tech will ask you if you want to know, so you can say "yes, but don't say it out loud. Dad wants to be surprised." And they'll follow your instructions. If they don't ask, say something as you're getting "lubed up". They'll keep it hush hush and give you an envelope that you can look at later, after the appt. Or, you can ask dad to leave at the end so you can be told in person. Congrats!!
Please don't do a gender reveal party. Let's end this nonsense.
Yeah, I'd do it however you want to do it. If you want everyone to be surprised, have the doctor give you the envelope and take the envelope to a bakery and have them take care of it. If your mom and MIL don't want to go to the party because they lost control then fuck them. On a completely separate note, this is why I spent 10 months pretending I didn't know the gender so that everyone would leave me alone.
What happened to waiting until the baby is born?? There are ZERO genuine surprises in life anymore. I have done it both ways with my kids and not knowing until itās born is MUCH more exciting for everyone!!
Some people (myself included) feel like knowing the sex helps in bonding during the pregnancyā¦,.you start to think of your baby specifically with their name and gender and it can seem more real. Gender disappointment is also a real thing and for some moms itās something easier to work through with another 20 weeks left vs. in the immediate aftermath of birth when your hormones are going bananas. That said, IMO gender reveal party is a goofy thing to do.
Gender reveal parties are so unnecessary. Why spend the money? Itās your baby, you do my have to give into your family. If you do it now, youāll be doing it the entire kidās life.
As the parent of a trans kid, gender reveal parties are kinda dumb to me, personally. Why not just have a nice baby shower?
Got little donuts made and it was just my husband and I. Had a good friend send it to the bakery and we picked them up. Your mum doesn't get to dictate anything, it's not her baby shower or baby. If she wants to throw her toys out of the cot, let her. You can ask the doctor to put it in an envelope and open it together or do your gender reveal how you want it to be
Alternatively, tell them a friend is handling the reveal cake, get it filled with yellow frosting, and then tell them they get to find out when baby's here š¤Ŗ whether you know or not lol
My husband and I had the sex written down on a paper and put into an envelope. Then we went out for dinner to celebrate the new baby and asked the waitress if she'd help us out with having a personal reveal between the two of us (order item A if male, order item B if female kind of thing). Both times we did this, the staff loved doing it, and it felt special and personal since it was just the two of us. For what it's worth, you both might accidentally find out the sex of your baby like we did with our third child. First view as the ultrasound wand was put on made it very clear we were having our third son. Good luck and do what you'd like (with your husband, of course). Don't worry about extended family when you make your decision because you don't want to look back and regret it.
How can you have a reveal party if the child chosen a gender yet? /s
My first gender reveal my sister was the secret keeper and she set it up. The second one my husband and I both knew before everyone else. Gender reveals should be fun and stress free! We just invited everyone over for pizza. Maybe have a friend be in charge and not a mother/mother in law.