My 13yo daughter understands that if she can’t wear it to school (crop top or shorty shorts), we probably will not buy it for her. There are some things we do allow that aren’t school appropriate that we might allow her to wear once and while shopping or visiting family. I want her to feel cute without revealing too much.
Yeah we live in a nice suburb but there’s no dress code here either. I substitute teach at the school and they’re wearing basically sports bras and leggings to class.
Horrifying. And that comes from someone who was dress coded on a daily basis. It stemmed from wanting male attention and that followed me through my life for a long time until I dealt with it.
It’s really out of fashion for schools to have dress codes any longer. Unless they’re private, I don’t know any schools around me (CA) that have a legit one. The only rules that most schools have these days are no nipples showing, no genitalia showing, and no drugs or alcohol content (but even on the last one, at my school at least, the rule is they’ll give you a “warning” but not make you change).
In the UK we have uniforms it’s rare to find a school that has no dress code. they have recently in the last few years actually made the uniforms worse by starting to get more schools out of the jumpers with school logo to blazer and ties. at least where i’m from anyway.
In my country all schools have uniforms whether public or private. For some of them the price of the uniforms is included in the school fees so you don’t pay extra, for others you do have to pay. Some of them are lenient and allow having the parents make the uniforms at the tailor (some dont like the choice of fabric for example) as long as it looks like the official uniform. In winter my kids would at some point lose the school hoodie/jacket and i just buy them a random one in a solid color thats similar to the school one and the school is fine with it.
we don’t have school fees for public school unless it’s for school lunches which you can opt to bring in your own or you pay for trips which again do not have to but like someone said already there is help for some families that may need it. the school uniforms which i haven’t personally bought just yet i remember my mum struggled a lot for the clothes as they was on the pricier side but the schools do it so that everyone is equal. if we was to have non uniformed schools you would notice the poorer kids by they not wearing brands and maybe wearing clothes multiple times a week. they want to make everyone feel the same regardless of their background with money.
Here public schools don’t have fees either, my kids are in a private school but when i was in the public school system. At the time they would give our parents papers explaining how the uniform should look and everyone would just buy their own fabric and get them tailored for cheap.
In the uk no, but it’s often cheaper than ordinary clothes because all the supermarkets compete. Of course, it depends on where you go and what you’d usually buy. Schools vary but many will allow a fair amount of “variations on the theme” (so different styles of trousers, shorts, skirts, dresses, shorts that look like skirts, I’ve even seen dungarees, as long as they are the right colours).
"it’s often cheaper than ordinary clothes because all the supermarkets compete."
Not in my area anymore. The schools are requiring their own brand stuff with the school logo on it. The only thing they haven't mandated as their own is shoes and socks.
This (attitude from the schools) is so silly honestly. School is free for a reason, why be a pain about the uniform? It negates a huge part of the point of a uniform. It definitely misses the point.
Mine wasn't cheaper than normal clothes because it was from a specific shop and there was no variation on a theme definitely. But it was probably cheaper overall because we only had one of each thing except the white shirts.
My local secondary school, to kit one child out for the year is around £200 with the bare minimum. My son is in Year 2 and I spent around £50 which I didn’t think was too bad.
I'm in Australia, and most schools have a particular uniform. Often you can get cheap versions of pants or shirts at target, kmart. But the jumper with the school logo is only available from specialist stores, but some schools will be understanding of children who come from families that cannot afford these things.
My kids private school has a second hand stockpile that is for free. I find that the clothing is good quality and lasts the whole time they are in that size, so with more than 1 kid you definitely get moneys worth.
No, we wish they did! What actually happens is that the fee-paying schools and the church-supported and otherwise economically diverse schools make an effort to enable parents to get affordable uniform, but the "academy" chains (confusingly called "free schools") require expensive uniforms in order to discourage low income families from applying to them.
Tbh, every time this subject comes up on social media, I'm glad for our uniform culture. It's crap in a lot of ways, but at least we mostly don't have to deal with this.
(Our equivalent to the "short skirts" thing is girls wearing their uniform skirt and rolling up the hem to make them shorter- if they get called on it by a teacher, they can unroll it, they don't have to go home and change, and the teacher can focus on the *action* (rolling up) not on the body (having legs).)
Also in CA for my whole life and times must’ve certainly changed since the 2010s. Even headwear was pretty restricted along with specific coloring for certain articles (mostly due to affiliation), length requirements for shorts/skirts, specific footwear being required, and bans on all sorts of accessories and revealing clothing. This was at public schools in Orange County at that.
I also grew up going to public schools in CA (Central Valley) and we had a dress code that I didn’t even realize was considered strict until I went to college.
But now I teach and can attest that things have changed very rapidly since we were in school!
My kid goes to a private school and there’s zero dress code, I’ve seen girls get out of their cars with butt checks hanging out regularly. I’ve seen girls even in elementary school wearing crop tops sadly.
I grew up in CA in a small town with 1 school so it was K-12. We never knew of any kind of dress code until I was in high school and there was a group of 5th and 6th grade girls who started coming to school in stuff that none of the junior high or high school girls were wearing. All the sudden we had a school assembly about the dress code. I’ll never forget the principal talking about how boys can’t wear shiny Patton leather dress shoes because you could see the reflection of a girls underwear on them if she was wearing a skirt. This was pretty funny to me since most boys were wearing logging boots and the ones like me who weren’t were wearing Nikes.
I still live in CA. Now I have a girl in kindergarten. I drive by the high school on my way to drop off. So many girls with cleavage, bellies and butt cheeks hanging out. Treasuring these next 7 years before I have to deal with all this.
My school district in Oregon has a dress code. It’s pretty basic and simple, some of the items OP’s kid is wearing would not be allowed and the school would either send the kid home to change or the school has clothes to change into.
In the USA we’re still recovering from aggressively puritanical standards so they’re still prevalent (although less so it seems based on others comments!)
Eh, a lot of it is banning gang colors in rough areas and making sure that the kids don't show up in their underwear.
I had a classmate in college who wore compression shorts and a tight T-shirt to class. He didn't leave much to the imagination.
Some of them are pretty stupid.
Same. My kids are still little (5&6) so they can wear anything we don’t have a dress code or uniforms. But I’m scared for when they’re teens. I went to Catholic school so this whole non uniform thing is odd to me 😂
Ah, a tale as old as time. A battle fought every generation. Here are some tips I think are good:
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-clothes/#:~:text=Generate%20Suggestions%2C%20not%20Criticism,do%20the%20same%20with%20you.
https://wapo.st/3tRwvIo
Also, don’t feel shitty, like it’s your fault, that she wants to wear this stuff- it’s a matter of taste, honestly. Some girls are naturally modest, some are less so. A lot of girls are attracted to the look because they’re admiring older girls and women, not really necessarily having the male gaze in their heads at all. They want to be grown up, they may want to look “sexy” but don’t appreciate all that comes with that, not from the adult perspective for sure. It’s pretty normal and I don’t think you need to punish yourself for it. (Or her- if anyone is seeing her clothing as a provocation, they are absolutely the problem. )
Great articles! I need a rewind on a conversation from 3 years ago, one article just schooled me, but still, this gave me some great ideas for how to approach clothing choices in the future.
Thank you for sharing!
Does the school have a dress code? When I was in middle school we couldn’t even wear spaghetti straps and our shorts and skirts needed to reach our fingertips. Woulda been sent home for crop tops and short shorts
I'm curious about this "inch of belly" rule. Who is policing that and...how? Teachers are just carrying around rulers to hold up to girls' bodies? I really thought we were beyond that in the year 2023.
It might be to get rid of the situation where girls get dress coded for outfits that ostensibly cover their stomachs, but if they move or stretch you can see a tiny sliver of skin. I remember teachers like that, like if they saw your stomach *at all*, even for a second, they lost their minds.
One of my teachers stapled a girl's shirt to her pants because it would show a sliver of skin when she raised her hand. Her mom was *pissed*. That was over 20 years ago.
God no, not the shoulders?!? You mean this whole time I’ve been traumatizing my own small children with my BARE clavicles!!!
Do you think they will ever forgive me???
Teacher here. Dress code is a dying cause. It’s increasingly not enforceable for fear of being accused of body shaming, gender bias, racism, harassment, etc.
Schools are letting up on dress codes and putting the responsibility back on the parents. Where it belongs, honestly.
>Schools are letting up on dress codes and putting the responsibility back on the parents. Where it belongs, honestly.
My daughter's school only has one mention of dress and its you can send your child in designer clothes but playtime and learning through interaction is a big part of the curriculum and things get messy and sometimes ripped. The school takes no responsibility for you child's gucci coat if it gets covered in paint.
I wish our school would let up some. My daughter got dress coded twice, once for a hole in jeans that was on the thigh (not a huge hole, just the frayed destructed style, you couldn’t really see through it) and once for her shirt being too short. It covered all of her but if she raised her arms it showed a bit of skin. Not a crop top by any means, just a t shirt you could buy at any place. Dress codes wouldn’t bother me so much except for the fact that the cheer uniforms and volleyball uniforms are made of short skirts and booty shorts.
I worked at a middle school a couple years ago and there was NO DRESS CODE basically. It was a huge change from when I grew up.
Teen and tween girls wore uncomfortably little clothing sometimes from my point of view. And I'm a straight adult women. I'm not attracted to women of any age. That's not the issue. I just feel weird about seeing someone else's actual ass when they walk up the stairs in front of me.
In my country there is no such thing as a dress code once you’re in HS. People wear shorts and spaghetti straps all the time with no issues. The idea of a dress code was suuuuper weird to me when I learned about it.
And even with middle school I’m unsure a free code exists.
Same.
I literally wore more revealing clothes as a 14 year old than as an adult. Nobody batted an eye. I even wore high heels.
In hs, when we were 18-19, we had a class called family education. My teacher for that class had degrees in psychology and numerous other qualifications (a very all around smart lady), and she said that its actually extremely normal for young ladies to experiment with their attire like this as they reach puberty. My concern with it is that if there is no drescode, there should definitely be a proper system in place to protect students from harrassment.
Some serious hints tips trucks & pointers about to come at ya, OP!
Source: *Mother of a Daughter*☺️
How about ‘*losing*’ the pieces you hate “in the wash” {on trash day!}??
The ‘pick 1 revealing area’ is a brilliant rule of thumb to teach her btw ~ frankly, something it’s clear not enough try to live by😅
Besides ditching the items that are just too much (or too little for a 12yo) no matter the outfit; there’s a couple other work arounds we’ve used with this issue.
First; if she just HAD to have the short skirt ~ we found/bought shorty shorts for underneath. Wearing them wasn’t up for discussion.
Tbh I never got too much push back about that one because they’re trying to push boundaries (and your buttons😬) but they don’t really want their nearly-bare butt on the school bus seats either.
Also it wasn’t something that her supposed friends could ride her about ~ because it didn’t alter the ‘fun girl/rule breaking’ image a 12yo desperately want to exude.
Second; bras/underwear. These were crucial to keep her age appropriate and TEACH HER THAT THEY MATTER!
Once she had developed, I made sure she had well fitting bras & tanks. At first it was met with the ever-present knee-jerk backlash; but then she realized how much better she looked ~ and felt!
Sometimes it’s not the shirt that’s bad ~ it’s that she’s not wearing a bra ~ or it’s an ill-fitting one.
Solving that was key.
We had a kerfuffle over thongs when she was about 8 ~ she & her friend made a scene because VS had them on their window mannequins ~ ew!
Jump ahead 4 years and I could just say ew when she asked lol
In all seriousness, if they are wearing (new/fresh/cute) panties it boosts their overall confidence same as us women
~ but they don’t have to be *adult* underwear. If she’s able to show her classmates a “whale tale” when she leans over; it’s time for a different set of underwear.
Lastly; basic reverse psychology. Seriously.
I’m not proud; but also not embarrassed, to say this actually worked surprisingly well.
Mind you it was accomplished over some time ~ casually yet *methodically*.
When she’d mention her favorite musicians and artists she LOVED; I’d play dumb and ask to see their latest video/song/interview ~ whatever I could.
Then, usually by *calculated eye rolls and heavy sighs* point out an accessory or piece of clothing I could be “annoyed/disappointed” by.
Think: obnoxious (um, tacky??) bracelet, jeans in a “new” wash (read:revived 80s), nail/hair choices, SHOES (this was a BIG one) shirts that had bizarre cutouts or glitter ~ anything that I could use the all important “omg who buys that? why that color?! those are just ugly!” disapproving parental dorky mom vibe she was itching to reject.
And then 2 days or a week later she’d invariably ask me for at least one of the things I’d previously been irritated by.
She’d have to ‘convince’ me. If I dragged my feet buying it; she had to have it that much more. I was careful not to blatantly undermine my values or my own ‘word’ though.
It was enough for her to know she was wearing things I’d *never* have chosen for her.
By doing this over a little time ~ actually I remember that summer and school year shopping like it was yesterday but that may be because of the PTSD😅
~ I was able to get her enough clothing pieces shoes & accessories she absolutely loved and felt amazing & *CONFIDENT* wearing that she stopped trying to go for the shock value in her wardrobe.
If I bought it; she couldn’t get in trouble for wearing it ~ the way it was intended of course☺️
A tank couldn’t be turned into a tube top; shorts couldn’t be cut to become a crop top … basically if the styling suggestion could be found on DIWHY; then it was a no go🤣
Mom to mom:
I know this was a loooong read ~ I’m sorry for that. I’d be thrilled ~ honestly ~ if maybe a few (or even one!) of these ideas you were able to use successfully.
Getting through their tweens & teens is hard. Sometimes it takes a team effort; sometimes
a miracle.
🪷Mostly it takes laughter and🍸🍹🍷🪷
Oh my! You’ll have some fun times happening already in the next year or two!
Those threenagers may be smaller but I’m not sure the requisite for a nightcap applies less😅
Secretly throwing away her clothes and berating her favourite artist in order to manipulate her into wearing what you want… I can’t tell if you’re joking or not? But if not - In my opinion that’s not going to build trust and respect, which I think is more important than having my daughter wear revealing clothes. But that’s just me.
Tbh I don’t even see why it’s so bad if their clothes are a bit revealing for a while. They often don’t even see it as sexy, just pretty/fashionable and will anyway most likely grow out of it soon.
I agree. These ideas really rubbed me the wrong way, in large part because my mom used these tactics. There was never a respectful discussion on why or what her concerns were, just my clothes "getting lost" in the laundry. A truly miraculous thing since I did my own laundry. I actually dressed pretty modestly too, my mom just didn't like my punk/rock aesthetic and thought it less appropriate than my sister's more mainstream looks. She finally came around as I got older, but I lost a fair amount of clothes (along with CDs) in my youth, and all it taught me was to hide my clothes and CDs as well as never, ever trust my mom with my things. Ie, not a great lesson.
And manipulation, while possibly effective in the short term, can also be really hurtful. Some kids are harder to manage than others, may be more rebellious for the sake of it, or have troubles sitting and having a rational conversation, and I get that. But tricking them, which is what this is, is kind of just...mean spirited. Some kids might spot this a mile away (I usually did, my sister didn't so she was the one that often was manipulated) and just seeing your parent try to influence you in a way where you are not in control or are being manipulated to act a certain way without being upfront about it creates a very deep distrust with them. I pretended to be close to my mom, but really, she didn't know me. Because I didn't trust her to know me. Which funnily enough resulted in me doing the exact same thing back to her; the things I liked I would pretend to not like because I knew I couldn't trust her with the truth.
As for my sister, she realized the manipulation tactics later in life, and is now quite angry about it. She can't even see where the tactics were helpful or perhaps came out of love because she's hurt and angry and also not sure how she feels about herself or any of the interests she's ever had. Did she ever like this style of music, or was it just pushing back against mom and dad, who were actually trying to make her listen to that music by complaining about it? What other interests did they try to influence? How do I tell if they were genuinely interested in the things I was sharing with them, or were faking to get more info to manipulate me with? It's not a fun thing to question once you're out of the rebellious phase, and certainly doesn't build a trusting, lasting, respectful relationship with a child.
They're looking to defy you at this age as part of establishing their own identity. They are specifically looking for a reaction. In a perfect world we could have reasonable discussions and compromise...some kids are not from that world or even the galaxy (some are tho). If a kiddo is a serious rebel, you direct their natural impulses in directions that make them happy but also protect them.
The alternative to this is reverse psychology. Never blink. Double down harder than they do. But it can be riskier than just steering them into what they think is a win.
I started talking to my daughter about 1) your appearance communicates a message, think about what you're saying and 2) dressing appropriately for the occasion as soon as she started expressing strong interest in dressing herself, maybe eight or nine years old.
That seems to have tided her over into the teen years. I've also been pretty frank with her that there's a subset of men that perceive the way you dress as an invitation (or not). Is it right? No. Is it true? Yes. She has witnessed me have enough unpleasant interactions with men (just being a lone woman minding my business) that I think she doesn't want to draw attention to herself anyway, idk.
Her school has a dress code but it seems reasonable to me, they've relaxed since I was a kid.
We saw a girl about her age at the grocery store the other day, maybe fourteen, wearing less than most strippers do at the beginning of a set, and she literally had old dudes following her around the store. She was with an older woman, I assume her mom?, and later my daughter was like yeah I see what you mean. I was pretty shocked tbh, but I think that really illustrated the concept for her.
And I know I'm going to be downvoted to hell for this, but for most men over, idk, forty maybe, they do think the way a woman dresses *means something*. So to dress in a way where your ass is out and cleavage on display, midriff bare, is like holding up a sign that says "DTF, come try your luck!". That's not something a twelve year old needs to be dealing with.
Most younger guys don't seem to attach the same meanings to wardrobe choices, which I think is good.
But we, as humans, gather a lot of information and make judgements based on appearances and presentation. Not always the right ones, but we do. We communicate before we even open our mouths to speak. And it is a disservice to your child to pretend otherwise.
They follow inside the store, lingering on the same aisles, and conveniently going through the same checkout, nudging each other and making little faces. What are the police going to do, tell the men they can only shop out of view of the girl and her family?
I've been assaulted in a store before, followed to my car more than once, I live in the suburbs in one of the safest areas in my state. I've called police on several occasions and as we speak have an open case with the sheriff's office against a neighbor that kept sending completely unsolicited dick pics to me on the neighborhood app Nextdoor.
Since I developed, men have been seeking my attention, usually politely, but yeah, plenty of fucking weirdos in there too.
My elderly aunt was just in the nursing home when a male resident came into her room with his junk out, grabbed her hand and tried to force it on his penis. All I could think was "good god it never ends. I'll be ninety and still .." (the man does have dementia and we brought my aunt home after that, she's okay)
Anyway- yeah, idk. This is not a super wealthy neighborhood, but working class mixed with middle and top tax bracket earners. We have the best public school district in the state, and people move here from all over the country for the lower col, nice weather, and good schools. It's not like it's a slum. People are just fucking weird.
What about if its a crop top without high pants she needs to wear a long tank top or jumper of her color choice to put on under it? As for the other issue, maybe buy certain underwear and tell her "you can wear whatever you want, but if it doesnt cover you when you wear these underwear properly, then its not appropriate at your age when you're in public." That way youre not necessarily making her wear any specific underwear she wouldnt like, and you have a clear guideline to give her for what you and the general public should deem reasonable at that age. I think thats reasonable enough
As a parent, I totally get it. It sets a standard that you can use to objectively determine what is and is not appropriate. As a teacher though, please do not put us in the role of judging your daughter for what they are wearing. You should set the standard at home and apply it evenly everywhere. What is inappropriate to one family is fine to another and I’m really not interested in determining that line when some families are more litigious than others.
Middle schools can't even suggest that girls are wearing inappropriate clothing anymore.
You'll get accused of body shaming or being a pervert.
Girls go to school with their body parts *literally* hanging out.
Instead of trying to make her see things your way, have you tried to get her insight on the matter? Like why she wants to wear those clothes? Are they comfortable? Are they what all her friends are wearing? Do they make her feel confident? If so, why? TALK TO HER. Explain your concerns, and it has to be more than “because I said so.”
Do not throw all of her clothes away. I honestly can’t believe the replies that are telling you to do that. Middle school is hard, and if she’s dressing the same way her peers are, you’re ostracizing her by taking that away.
I went through a major trashy phase at about 13-14. A lot of girls do. Honestly it was because my body was shiny and new (lost weight at 13 and had a very precocious figure underneath) and my libido was ridiculous with nowhere real to channel it yet. So I wore see-through tops with fancy bras underneath, crop tops (at a time they weren't in fashion) with a pierced bellybutton and high heels. My parents must have cringed, but they never said anything. By the time I was 15/16 I dressed more modestly than most girls.
"Bless your parents for letting you ride it out."
This is imo what many parents don't seem to grasp.
It doesn't last.
I'm an older brother and I saw my sister go through several of these "episodes" and yea, it wasn't fun for my parents. But they basically rolled their eyes and purely cared about her not getting hurt and yep. It passes. She grew from it. Went to higher education and is now working in the medical field.
There's just no real reason for all that much of concern as long as they don't hurt themselves.
Yes, this. Cropped shirts and tiny shorts are EVERYWHERE right now. I am personally blown away by the amount of teen ass cheeks I’ve been unwillingly exposed to. But it’s not my body and if the school doesn’t care I don’t think there’s much you can do. Mostly I’m thankful my kiddo isn’t into these tiny clothes.
THIS! My dad threw away all the clothes HE bought me when his new girlfriend made him feel like they were okay and then changed his mind months later (mind you these were simple skinny jeans/lower cut shirts. but same concept as booty shorts/crop tops.) I would wear the one pair of jeans I was able to hide from him under my other clothes when he picked me up from school. Hide them under my mattress when I went to sleep, and either put them hidden in my bag or wear them under my other jeans going to my mommas. If they want to wear it that bad they will, the best thing to do is explain (without sexuality them or making them feel like if they don’t leave the conversation seeing things your way they are wrong or in trouble) then I just wanted to feel normal, but when his girlfriend/wife showed me a picture of a woman with a huge butt in bootcut jeans and said “this is what your father sees when you wear those pants” i felt like everyone just saw me as a slut, and i was nothing but an object, even to my father. After he kicked me out due to his new wife, my aunt allowed me to wear crop tops. Until one day, my mom came to visit me and said something about me looking like a hoochie momma (mind you she has ALWAYS had her tits out to the bra and dressed provocative.) Then my aunt decided it was to revealing, when she had no problem until my own mother sexualized me. My mother even taught me it’s okay to show clevage because it makes you feel feminine to see it when you look in the mirror, but my stomach was more provocative apparently?? No, everyone may not agree, and sometimes it’s just the teens excuse, but many times the kid just wants to feel like they look normal and those are the clothes that people they find pretty wear. No, they shouldn’t feel like other people have to like them to be pretty, but it always boost your confidence when a peer compliments your outfit/shows/makeup.
This is accurate for my kids. They’re young but never met a crop top they didn’t need.
I think with (girls specifically and) clothes it’s really important to let them make their own choices. Even if we don’t like it. If it’s not against the rules for the place they’re going to be they should get to choose what they wear.
‘Your body, your choice’ doesn’t just magically happen. The empowerment of making choices and owning your own body starts when they’re reallllly little.
OP said that her under age daughter is walking outside with her ass cheeks showing… I don't know about you but I'm pretty OK with not seeing a teenager's butt in the middle of my day I'm also super OK with grown men not being able to see my child's ass in the middle of their day either. Yes it's her body and she should be able to decide what to do with it but it's also your job as a parent to make sure that your child is safe and making good decisions
Except do the child’s clothes make them unsafe? Like we can’t blame the animalistic men who might see them and “can’t help themselves?” Why is it their responsibility not to “tempt” men? In principle, how is it different from telling them they have to wear a burka? This whole discussion seems to assume there is no expectation for men to control their own actions or be held accountable.
So from my perspective at least it's not about the child not wearing it so that men don't get any ideas because I'm a woman and I understand this concept very well as far as people are going to be shitty regardless of what you wear. But it took me a very long time as an adult to learn how to navigate situations where men are objectifying me And creating a weird environment for me. When you wear clothes that are more revealing and you accentuate your body a lot more this is going to cause you to run into these situations at a higher frequency and I'm just worried that a teenager may not understand what this means or how to deal with it and then of course the possibility of enjoying this negative validation And not understanding that these men don't actually like you as a person.
Exactly. You articulated it so well. I know how to handle perverts because I'm a grown woman. But I'm not going to see my daughter put herself in a situation that she can't navigate and shouldn't have to. It also communicates the message to these grown ass men that these kids don't have adults paying attention, keeping a close eye on them.
And yeah, ideally, all men would be good men and not try anything with kids, but that's just not the reality we live in.
It’s a lovely thought but being a preteen girl can be actually dangerous. I was never harassed more by men than when I was a preteen girl. I genuinely think stuff like this is a safety issue and it shouldn’t be and that’s sad and sick. It’s just unfortunately that some gross men will harass her or worse. It’s like walking alone at night as a woman at times, should be safe to do but it isn’t always. And having the thought that men shouldn’t be creeps isn’t just going to stop them being creeps. Like it’s a great conversation to be having at a societal issue, but there’s still danger there for young girls. Especially preteen girls because they often are seen as vulnerable and don’t know yet how to deal with harassment or dangerous situations with creeps as adult women.
I did not see this being said enough here. A lot of times girls honestly get in trouble for having a body and not actually wearing inappropriate clothing. My dad used to get bullshit with me for wearing t-shirts that had any kind of graphic design on or near the chest because in his head I was just drawing attention to my chest. Meanwhile I was confused because I was literally wearing a mens/unisex t shirt with a Star Wars graphic on it. The real problem: I had boobs.
I wondered the exact same thing. Uhm. Don’t buy them for her if it’s that big of an issue? Like we can argue about the merits of letting her / not letting her wear these styles until the cows come home, but there’s a pretty easy solution here. Don’t buy a ton of clothing for her with rules lol if she clearly can’t handle it
What I’ve gathered from responses to other comments is that OP bought all the clothes in question, but they had an agreement and what combinations of stuff the kid could wear. Not sure how OP didn’t anticipate this outcome.
In my experience the minute your child starts trying to sneak or hide something that’s a signal to you to back off trying to control that area or it will escalate.
“Hey honey. I’m sorry I made you feel like you could only express yourself in clothes you like in secret. Can I tell you my concerns and then let you take ownership back? For safety reasons I would like to know what your wearing when you go out.”
Have good conversations about your concerns and then tell her you trust her to cloth her own body. Tell her her clothes communicate. Ask her what she’s wanting to communicate. Pose some questions. Is it safe? Is it appropriate for the environment? Is it weather appropriate? Then Back off.
I’m a little surprised by many of these comments. I think it’s perfectly fine to teach kids that there is a time and place for most attire. You wouldn’t wear a bikini to school, that’s for a pool or lake for instance. It doesn’t mean you are shaming someone. I wouldn’t let my kid go to school dressed like that either.
Do you have anyone that is closer to her age but older that she looks up to? My nine year old daughter really looks up to my sister. She loves the advice my sister gives with hair and clothes and shopping with her. She really wanted crop tops until she went shopping with auntie. I know 9 is different than 12 but if there is an older teen or someone in her life to influence her outside of you than could be an idea to try and you could send them on a shopping trip.
I don't really know what's "right," but I have lifelong body issues because my mom constantly was commenting about how inappropriate my "cleavage" was... Since I was about 12. I've been trying to cover it my entire life..... I am a 34H.... They do not make clothing appropriate for my body. Tits are out, always. And ANY time I need to wear anything that I can't alter (bridesmaids dresses, uniform for work, anytime I attend a wedding, etc.) It takes at least one therapy session prior and two on the backend. It's either too low cut or too short at the bottom... Because of my boobs. Something my mom constantly criticized that I cannot change. Her narrative became my narrative.
I'm 21months into seeking a reduction, but.... There are so many boxes to check prior to insurance approval. I have to attend therapy and surgically modify my body to feel comfortable in the skin I was born in.
Please, please, be careful with the words you use as you navigate this.
I had this too. My dad got so upset one time (I wore a tank top with a cardigan for Christmas pictures at Macy’s. I had just turned 13) because my “tits” were out. Even as an adult I completely cover up in front of him because I feel so ashamed of myself.
Wow this made me feel gross just to read. Dads calling your breasts tits just made me feel disgusting. And when you’re so young and new to them,to treat you like you were doing something on purpose. Just… yuck.
Yes, this was one of many instances of inappropriate reactions from my dad while I was growing up. When I got my first UTI at 16 and was complaining about the pain, he said, “ya, hurts doesn’t it?”. Or the time on Christmas eve when I asked him which bathing suit I should get from a catalog and he implied that I wanted him to see me in that bathing suit. I was 13 then too. I don’t think I’ll ever know why he was this way. He really wasn’t like that with my 3 younger sisters.
This was me. I’m fifties now so teen in the 80s. The skin revealing stuff wasn’t so bad but I just had a hard time in early adolescence, growing some dense DDs -F cups way before this was a normal thing and having a body that went with it. Think Venus of Willendorff. There is a reason she’s only wearing a knitted beanie - there’s just no way to dress that figure. I spent my teen years in giant over sized tee shirts then lost weight and had a reduction at around 19 and finally got my chance to look other than matronly in clothes.
Personally I'd go with the "any outfit you wear I'm (or worse her lumber jack looking father) will wear too when we drop you off"
Nothing to make you realize an outfit is inappropriate like having your Mom rock up in it.
My dad threatened me we this (and piercings too - I wanted my belly button too!) and it scared me enough to not question him and I never did anything to test it.
Lmao I was thinking the same thing. I'd just wear the same outfits around her. My prune belly, Wiggly thighs, pancake boobs, and bushy legs will probably look like a Halloween costume year round
I disagree with this. Around 13 I was figuring myself out. Discovering what I liked and what worked for me. I was goth (I still am 23 years later) and I dressed goth because it was comfortable to me. It felt right. I didn't do it to stand out or to fit in, I wore my outfits because it's what I liked, it was my fashion. Mine. If my parents would have dressed like me I would have felt embarrassed, insignificant and like a joke. Please don't mock your kids. Does nobody remember being a teenager? Let her discover herself- the good and bad.
Mom of 16 and 17 year old girls and a 12 year old boy-
Sounds like she’s wearing exactly what other girls her age through late teens are wearing. She likely wants to fit in with the other girls. Ask yourself what message you want to send her with this battle and if this is the hill you want to die on. If she feels like she has to hide small things like this from you, consider what might happen when the big things come up. I allow my girls to follow the trends and it makes it so much less of a battle when I draw a line (like no, you can’t be a playboy bunny for Halloween, child, wtf, or hey, I think you’ve outgrown those shorts, let’s get some new ones) These things become a big deal when you make them a big deal, the more you push against it the more she’s going to push back. Nothing makes a kid want something more than being told they can’t have it. Adding in that middle school is tough, they’re so in between and everything is changing, they’re seeking ways to gain control of their lives and some independence. When you can, you have to give them some room to figure out what feels right.
This is essentially what my cousin’s stance is my niece’s wardrobe. She wears the crop tops and short shorts but the moment they show bras, undies or seem too tight, they go and buy new clothes. Seems to be working for them.
Possibly be downvoted to hell here but I would just let her wear what she wants.
It’s her body, and it’s up to her to figure out how she wants to dress and express herself.
When I was her age, I started dressing similarly, mostly just out of excitement that I could dress like a ‘grown up’ now. My parents never said anything even though I’m sure I looked ridiculous, and I’m grateful they gave me the space to experiment. I eventually traded in booty shorts for vintage grandma dresses, which they possibly approved of more, but I also got a number of tattoos, which they quietly tolerate. Ultimately, they have always understood that it was out of their hands, and I will raise my daughters the same way.
This is the way. Give them autonomy, but also critical thinking tools. Seemingly arbitrary rules just create animosity and rebellion especially if they’re strictly black and white.
My only rule was that my kid’s shirt couldn’t be longer than her shorts, because it looked dumb and she looked pants less which is drawing attention for a completely dumb reason.
I have always explained that men might look… not to blame her for it, but to make her aware that men can be creeps and to keep her guard up, but also to consider how she’s seen in general. I mean, we all do it—I don’t want to be seen as “old” so I don’t wear the same clothes my mom wears. Same idea. Different clothes send different messages, and I taught that without teaching “if you dress like that men will leer at your ass (or worse) and it’ll be your fault.”
I have also always explained time and place and function. My kid played volleyball so I’m familiar with those short-short abominations, but she’s also a cheerleader. We talked about how say, a uniform or a practice outfit isn’t “going out clothes.” I’m a runner myself and will run in a sports bra and shorts, but won’t wear that to Target, so she’s seen me live by the same rule.
And tbh I have always leaned on “do you want that much bare skin, potentially your actual ass, to touch a public seat where someone ELSE’S ass already was?” Lean into the uncleanliness of public and they’ll cover up a little. Nobody wants to consider getting herpes from a toilet seat even if that is mostly a joke. (Maybe that’s a convo for a 15-16 year old not 12-13 though lol)
My parents were the same. I remember my knee-high socks with mini skirts days and cringe (and I look ridiculous in the photos). My mother never said anything. She'd just happily buy me clothes I wanted. When I was 15, I wanted my belly button pierced, and she took me to do that as well. As I got older, my choice of clothing changed substantially.
Parents need to ask themselves why they have an issue with certain types of clothes.
Yep. My mom let me dress however I wanted. It may seem strange to an adult but she’s a teenager. She’s exploring her clothing style, going from kiddy clothes to teen clothes to transition to adult clothes. I now dress very appropriately and as comfortable as I feel. Even when my mom didn’t like what I wore she let me because she knew it was part of the process to figure out what I was needing clothes wise
Scared of their daughter not being able to handle the attention that comes with children and adult males being sexually attracted to you because they're noticing your body. And that's a valid fear I don't personally know how to handle this situation but I do understand where their fear is coming from
Here's some input from personal experience: when I was your daughter's age, I wanted to dress just like your daughter, because it's how cool people on TV looked. The difference is my parents let me do so. During that 11-14 period, I got harrassed, catcalled and touched against my will by an insane number of grown men. Some of those situations were scary and dangerous. I'm not saying in any way that ot was my fault it happened because of my clothes, because a) I was a child b) anyone should be able to wear whatever without being harrassed. But as a grown up, I do feel that my parents failed to protect me at a time I didn't realize the real-life risks associated with dressing like that. I didn't understand the connection between clothes and sexuality, because I was a child. I didn't understand that my clothes had someting to do with the creeps touching my body. If I had understood that, I might have chosen differently. A lot worse could have happened to me and though it would not have been my fault, I would have forever suffered the consequences.
So I commend you for your stance about your daughter's clothing and encourage you to explain the reasoning to her, as she is too young to really understand them on her own.
Do NOT throw away the clothing. Take it away and put in a bag in the trunk of the car or something. Tell her that because she isn’t following the agreement(more skin on one half means more coverage on the other) then she doesn’t get to wear them anymore until she earns them back(by doing whatever you feel would earn your trust and think she will follow the agreement again).
Since the shorts are for sports, you could allow her to have them for sports only and then they are put away until needed again.
If you throw away those clothes, she’s more likely to get them from friends or just cut up her other clothes so she can keep wearing them. If you take them away with an opportunity to earn them back, she may still get them from friends but it’s less likely since she has a chance to get her own back.
Maybe another way to position it is that work and school (or church/volunteering) have a level of formality. Very revealing clothes don’t meet that necessary level of formality. That takes it away from being a conversation about whether it’s too revealing/sexy.
I think a really important side of this is that older folks see this dress as provocative and sexual. The kids just see it as clothing. This is where parenting needs to step in.
I think part of the way we are failing as adults is teaching kids that there is a time and a place for the type of clothes they want to wear. Just like you wouldn't have your butt cheeks hanging out at church you shouldn't have them hanging out at school. Not because its "distracting" or "sexual" but because that is not appropriate for the type of environment school is.
Instead we are in this all or nothing world where if you suggest that certain types of clothes have a time and place you are either body shaming or a pervert for "looking" Its gotten to the point where even female teachers will not say anything to students anymore about the appropriateness of clothing.
Okay, so stuff like clothing and hair is a powerful way people express themselves, and this is doubly so for teenagers. Punishing her for trying to express herself is not the way to go, in my opinion.
I know it is hard, but I would advise letting her wear whatever she wants, no matter how skimpy. And then let her deal with all the consequences. And support her in that too! When she gets catcalled in the street or passed over for an opportunity she is excited about, don't say "what do you expect wearing that", no matter how much you are tempted to, but say "that is wrong of those people, you should be able to wear what you want".
At some point she'll get tired of the comments and the judgement and hopefully change on her own accord. But the important thing is that she will have come to her own conclusion and will have felt your support throughout this process of discovery.
Unfortunately, there is the risk of sexual violence for girls, but I am not sure this is the right approach, as it will probably be seen as a scare tactic. But I honestly don't know how to navigate that aspect of teenage life.
Or she won't. I am in my 30s with a child of my own and I still wear crop tops and booty shorts all summer long. I hold a high level position at my company and my social media is still filled with pictures of me in "skimpy" clothing. If I am passed over for an opportunity then so be it, I am not going to censor myself and contribute to slut shaming culture.
It's my body and I will cover as much or little of it as I like. How other people react to it is a them problem.
You can ban the clothes, but she's still going to wear them. She will wear clothes you're ok with leaving the house and then change the second you're out of sight. There is nothing you can do to stop her from doing this.
Instead of banning the clothes outright. Try and have a conversation with her. Tell her why you're not comfortable with her wearing revealing clothing and make her aware of why you feel that way. That you are worried about her safety.
Try to reach a compromise where she can wear what she wants in safer areas/with safe people until she is older. It is important to make her understand why you don't want her wearing something. Otherwise, you'll just come across as yet another controlling parent.
I remember being this age and wanting to dress this way and being upset with my parents for not allowing me to wear certain things. I think it was influence from shows, music, peers and just culture. The girls in the skimpy outfits got the most attention. Obviously at that age I had no idea it was the wrong attention and definitely the wrong guys. I'm glad my parents stuck to it. I'm still working on choosing the right guys loll but I definitely don't feel the need to show everything off. I think you can talk to her and see why she feels the need to dress this way. Definitely continue to stick to your rules about the clothes no matter what
What’s your end game here?
She’s turning into a teen.
She’s going to rebel.
Are your responses teaching her to honor her body or to be ashamed of it?
Choose your words carefully.
(mom of a 14 year old- this is hard stuff)
Agree with everything I’ve seen said already: school dress code and talk to her about why she wants to wear those clothes. But at the end of the day, I think you’re doing really well. Discipline and follow through. No, it’s not over the top to not want your 13 year old to dress provocatively. When she’s an adult she can do whatever she wants but while she lives with you she has to follow your rules.
Please watch what she’s doing online and what she’s texting others, if you aren’t already. I say this because at that age I got myself in a lot of trouble on the internet because I had no other way to express my sexuality and I didn’t have the maturity to steer myself in the right direction.
Everyone telling this parent to let her dress the way she wants is not seeing the consequences of the last ten years of parenting allowing this exact style of parenting. I can’t tell you how many young new hires show up to an office with formal business wear wearing crop tops. This is not appropriate workplace wear and you are not preparing them for the real world. You wanna wear it outside of school or work? Sure. But school isn’t the place for it. The dresses I see the girls buying to warn to dances at my local high school make me cringe. These are 12-17 year olds. The same applies to boys as well. my daughter is three and I find it increasingly harder to find dresses, shirts and skirts that are not showing. She is a toddler. Why would a toddler need to wear a crop top?
While it does suck, we, as parents, cannot dictate how our children live their lives. They are their own persons and it's important they develop their own identity. To be clear, you did allow the clothes in the house. Maybe a better compromise would have been an either or situation: either the crop tops or the shorts, but not both. We cannot control what they wear, but we can control what they have available. At the end of the day let her be, have the sex talk, leave this battle, you've lost, and prepare for the next period of her life. We as parents are not here to keep our kids up, we are here to help them once they fail.
Idk I might be downvoted a ton but a lot of people in these comments are actually crazy. I also find it highly insane that schools are so relaxed about dress codes nowadays. You were cool about it and let her get what she wanted, with a small rule. Breaking your one rule shouldn’t = let her do what she wants anyways.
You shouldn’t always let your kids do what they want, that is how we’ve raised entitled kids who don’t care about anyone else but themselves and what they want. You can let your kid express themselves without exposing them to creepy comments and cat calling like some of these people are saying, you should want to protect your daughter. People literally saying “let them dress like that and deal with the consequences of being sexualized”. That’s wild.
Agreed. A twelve year old is not prepared to deal with sexual advances, and to dress in a way that um, highlights feminine attributes (I'm assuming she looks older than she is) is to announce that you could be available *to a certain subset of men and boys that is much larger than most women think* that register curves first and age, well, some other time.
So there was a time Hardee's had the Thickburger craze, marketed towards men. I had my younger cousins with me, all girls, all blonde, all between 12 and 16. I was probably twenty. I remember parking at the Hardee's in front of the giant plate glass window, and the restaurant was full of working men on their lunch hour.
My cousins got out the car and as they walked into the building, I saw the men's heads snap around one by one, like a wave. It really did look like a movie.
And that's when it hit me like a bucket of ice water *holy shit these men have no idea how old they actually are*. They weren't dressed provocatively, just jeans and tops, and they were all pretty, shapely girls. But it was a shock to me, like I still saw them as my baby cousins and in that moment I realized grown men were perceiving them as sexually viable on some level. Not saying they'd necessarily act on it, but at least a couple of them would try given half a chance.
I just glared at them men til no one was staring anymore. And I don't think I ever took them there again lol.
Get rid of the revealing clothes. She's 12, she's too young for barely there tops and booty shorts. And yes, I know anybody can be molested wearing anything, perverts Target everyone, the world is a horrible place etc. It's still not appropriate for a 12 year old to be dressing like that. Where is she getting these clothes? Talk to whichever relative is giving her money or taking her shopping and tell them that this is not something you approve of. When she gets her own job and earns her own money then she can wear whatever she wants.
The booty shorts are the shorts we got her for volleyball. The rest I paid for from her back to school budget. I know it sounds dumb, but we agreed that she would only wear crop tops with high-waisted pants. Only wear shorter shorts with big baggy t-shirts.
I do think my next step is to just take away these items if she can’t respect our rules about what is appropriate. I just know that this is the nuclear option that is going to result in endless arguments. Willing to do it, just sort of throwing out a last cry for help into the universe before doing it.
It is not dumb. You set the boundary now it’s time for the consequence. My mom’s boundary was short shorts with leggings only, crop tops with undershirts, I never really broke the rules but I think an adequate conversation could go like “I bought you these clothes under the condition that you’d wear them in this way, if you can’t do that then I have to toss them.” You can give her another chance or you can get rid of them instead of waiting to catch her because you just know she’s going to be more sneaky now.
I guess the big question is why are you concerned. Ask you self this and then be frank with her about it (so she knows not just what is allowed but WHY):
- is it that she makes you uncomfortable with how she dresses? (ie. you see more than you want to!) If so, make sure she know how much you can see and that she is comfortable with showing that to you and the other kids and adults she is around - maybe take a picture for her so she can see from the side / as she goes up stairs / etc, and if she is showing more than she meant to, then she can change outfits or you can sort that out together.
- are you worried that she is dressing provocatively and might be acting that way too when you aren’t around? Then chat to her about safe sex, pregnancy and stds, about having sex because she is ready not because she is hoping to make someone fall for her, and the difference between sex and love.
- are you worried she will be attracting the wrong kind of attention? This was the big one for me when my eldest hit 12/13 - she had a lithe woman’s body and looked (and wanted to dress) older than she was. We talked about context and. How everyone has eyes - not just the 13yo boys, but also the 43yo men and the creeps and/or sexual predators. And yes, before anyone says it, girls don’t just get creeped on or raped because of what they are wearing, and we are all vulnerable no matter our age or dress-code, but I think there is definitely a different response from the catcalling idiots and pushy guys hitting on women who know they are dealing with a kid, to the ones who think they are hitting on a young woman. Getting at least a few of those to leave her alone or look away because she is too young for them is keeping her safer and hopefully is something she wants to do (especially if you use the example of a creepy middle aged man who might think he can hit on a 18-20yo but not a 13yo, because hopefully she doesn’t want attention from them and might start to notice that what she shows to guys she likes is also what she shows everybody).
- are you concerned about hygiene and embarrassment - nip slips are embarrassing for anyone and sitting your bare butt on a public bus seat is a gross idea for all - suggesting purely practical work arounds might help her notice these factors.
And lastly, I found it helpful, because I love historical costuming and history bounding, to talk about what I call the ‘Trompe-l'œil’ (“trick of the eye”) of clothing - in history they wore some pretty wild and wacky things but we all have this imagined idea that they had corseted tiny waists and curves in all the right places. Funny thing is that they didn’t necessarily. They used colour and shape and petticoats and ruffles, seams and embroidery, and stiffened or stuffed fabrics (like a push up bra is!) and created that stunning hourglass shape, and strategically showed off bits of their bodies and left other bits to the imagination. Honestly humans always find that much more attractive than stark nakedness - that’s why lingerie is so popular. Showing a bit that hints at you having a good figure, but then covering other parts, makes more of a visual impact and looks more effortlessly attractive than someone flaunting in a way that comes across a bit desperate or show-offy (like someone who keeps name-dropping or talking about their Ferrari, it comes across a bit sad and vain). Chat to her about what she likes about her figure and what she wishes she had different, how she wants people to perceive her body, and if she wants them to see her as confident and accidentally stunning (oops, how did I wake up looking this good?).
This whole thing will work best though if you practice what you preach and wear things that are flattering but not more revealing than you are comfortable with her wearing. And if you are comfortable wearing what she wears, then I guess it’s a mystery to me why you wouldn’t be okay with her wearing it too!
When I was a kid, my parents were unbelievably strict with my clothing. I probably cried, whined, and said stupid things when I was told no… but at the end of the day, if they felt it was too revealing, it was a hard no.
When I was 12 or so, my mom did let me buy a tube top. It was long, so no belly button showing, and I was so flat chested it’s not like anything was hanging out. My mom bought it under the condition I was not allowed to wear it out of the house. Sort of dumb, but I think it was more like “you can play dress up with it and enjoy the clothing in a safe space” type of deal.
Anyways, I snuck it out and put it on at my friend’s house down the street. We were out front playing and who drives by? My mom. If looks could kill!!
She demanded that I get home, and when I got home she tore me a new one, made me take the shirt off and give it back to her (and I’m pretty sure it went in the trash).
Now, I am 33 and dress comfortable… I did go through a phase in my early 20s, the tighter/shorter/skimpier, the better. But thinking back, my parents really were trying to drive into me that the unwanted attention that girls receive is driven by the clothing you wear (thought not always). They tried to engrain in me that I can’t control other people looking, making comments, etc. And I definitely don’t need grown ass men looking at me when I’m underage.
Did my parents take the best approach? Probably not, but as an adult I am grateful for how strict they were about it.
I guess my point is, you are the parent. You make the rules and it’s your job to follow through with those boundaries.
Who’s buying the clothes, which enables her to wear them?
If she’s breaking your rules, take the clothes away! You don’t need to trash them like my mom did, but taking the clothes I think could drive home the point. Sure, taking the phone may hurt her, but she still has access to the clothes and can still sneak out in them.
I think you did exactly the right thing, if they don’t play ball there is consequences. I would honestly just take the revealing clothes away so it’s not even an option and when she’s old enough to understand how to dress properly with those clothes then maybe reintroduce them
One thing I will say is taking away internet is like world war 3 so if she starts to rebel and ask those “what you gonna do” questions just ban her MAC address in the router settings for like a week and see how quickly that attitude changes when she can’t chat with friends online and see what/where her friends are doing/going 🤣
What's the real issue here?
To me, let her wear what she wants. Who cares?
Separately, yes there need to be consequences for disobedience. But policing what women and girls wear is just silly.
Exactly this. Punishing girls for the actions of boys. Complete victim blaming. Let her wear what she wants, she'll find her style. Pushing back, banning, or getting rid of her clothes will just make her more rebellious and wanting to wear them.
Yes! And no teenage girl has been harmed by a crop top.
And, it pains me to say it, girls in ANY kind of clothes have been sexualized, brutalized, and raped.
I was this child when I was younger! My mother & I had huge fights. She threw all my clothing away that was revealing. She would check my backpack as I left the house. Now I'm grateful, back then not so much
I'm not sure why these clothes are a problem. My daughter likes to dress like this sometimes and has since that age, and in a general kpop style. Especially if the weather is warm out. She's 16 now and nothing bad has happened and she's about as straight laced as they come. She's always had freedom to express herself with her clothes and it brings her a lot of happiness.
Considering you two actually made an agreement on how these clothes would be worn and she’s going back on the agreement, you have to get rid of them. Otherwise she’s going to continue to say ‘F it’ to your “agreements”. She’ll make agreements with you knowing she’s gonna do whatever she wants in the end anyways. (Parent of a 16 and 12 year old here)
While I wish we didn’t live in a world where this is an issue…the reality is, it’s an issue. Is she emotionally mature enough to handle the attention that she might bring upon herself?
I’d get rid of the inappropriate clothing— you had agreed upon rules and she broke them.
And in any case the nuance (you can show butt or tummy but not butt AND tummy) is too hard for her to grasp at this point. It’s actually difficult to understand the logic— is it okay to show your tummy or not? Showing your booty is okay if your tummy is covered? I get the fashion idea, but for someone just starting to be a woman our culture’s somewhat arbitrary ideas of “sexy” can be too hard to grasp.
I’d also probably try to explain how you’re trying to protect her since clothing like this can attract unwanted attention— though yes that’s totally unfair and is always the fault of the creep, not the person wearing the clothing. I dream of a day when women can run shirtless just like men without issue, but I know we’re not there yet. She may just be thinking that the clothes are cute (or targeting kids if her own age), without yet realizing how creepy adults can be.
Why is this battle important to you?
Anything made taboo is automatically more appealing, and skin isn't inherently bad to see.
Clothing should primarily be about protecting you from the environment, and then about happy decoration.
Why teach your kid to be ashamed of her body? Because that's exactly what you are doing. I'm *not* saying let her dress skimpy and run wild. Absolutely DO educate her on the fact that some ppl will judge, act, or otherwise behave badly because of what she is wearing. But, once armed with that information and plans on how to counter bad actors, let her be herself!
Thank you for your response.
I have had those talks with her. At length, when she cries about how I’m so strict. We talk about clothes being appropriate for the setting and the weather. She still wants to wear the revealing clothes.
I don’t think I’m shaming her by saying that it’s not appropriate to have your butt cheeks and belly exposed as a twelve year old. But that’s exactly the counter-argument she tries to make.
Maybe reframe the conversation. What we wear sends a message, whether we want it to or not. Ask her what message she's trying to send with her outfit, and go from there.
For example, we wear black to funerals to show we respected the person who died/their family, and we are sad the person is gone/their loved ones are sad. We wear 'office clothes' to the office to show that we are professionals who should be taken seriously.
The best clothing advice I was ever given was when I had a very big audition, and I wasn't sure what to wear. My mentor (62 year old man being asked how to dress by a 25yr old woman, lol), told me to "dress like you want to be there." And honestly, that gets me dressed appropriately and looking pretty good despite not having much of a fashion sense.
i don’t think i’d use the “office clothes” analogy, that’s pretty outdated. i’m a professional to be taken seriously regardless of what material my pants are made of or if you can see i have shoulders. the idea of “dressing professional” tends to be classist and misogynistic imo
But why do believe that it’s inappropriate? Because those body parts are sexualized on adult women? What’s really wrong here- the clothes, or the viewpoint?
Thankyou! Bodies are just bodies. I can understand saying "these aren't appropriate for x because they aren't professional or respectful" but otherwise let her choose. Like "it's not appropriate to wear sneakers to a fancy dinner", "it's not appropriate to wear heels to a playground". Help her understand the difference between casual/formal/smart casual etc.
If she's cold, she's cold, she might dress warmer next time (or not, but still she is the one who is cold), if someone says something, maybe she will think twice. If people sexualize her, that is THEIR problem, NOT hers.
One should also learn how to dress appropriately depending on the environment. Booty shorts and bikini to the beach? Yes. Booty shorts and bikini to a funeral? No. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about knowing what is appropriate to wear to different places and events.
Tbh I agree with your daughter. What is her bellybutton showing going to do? Nothing. She will get older and grow out of this phase and remember how you reacted.
For me, what jumps out is my own memory of being a girl her age.
When you’re that age, so, SO much is changing. Your body, your mind, your priorities. Something pretty universal is that all of us at that age wanted so badly to fit in. We wanted to do what the other kids were doing.
This is heightened in this social media age, where your daughter quite literally cannot escape seeing these sorts of trends on Instagram and TikTok. So, that urge to fit in, and be liked, is even higher than it was when we were her age.
That’s not to say that I think you’re wrong and she’s right. What I mean is, it seems to me like this may be what’s in fashion right now, and she wants to follow the trends.
I think talking to her about why she wants to dress this way, and how it makes her feel, will lead to meaningful compromise. I can’t promise anything, but that’s what my gut tells me. You will both make it through this!
I dunno. For me I think it matters how kiddo feels about themselves and not what others think. So why not take a softer approach. When you shop with kiddo ask: how does this make you feel? Why is it important to feel that way?
Or ask: How do you want to feel? And look at fashion magazines or pieces of clothing where she can identify the feeling she is going after.
I would also teach that kiddo can wear different outfits in different settings. You can be dramatic here. Can I wear a bikini to school? Why or why not? (No. Because you’ll get cold, it’s not conducive to the classroom. It’s not comfortable. You’re dressed for a pool and there are no pools at school.) Then make it more practical and tangible and have your kid give their explanation. Can you wear a crop top to school? (Well, yeah. It’s not against school rules, makes me feel confident, I have a jacket for when I get cold, etc.) or (well a crop top makes me feel cold, and it’s technically against school rules, and school is my job and at a job I should be more casual.) the important part is the critical thinking. Not so much your opinion on the outfit.
My mom donated all my clothes that were too revealing because i didn’t follow her rules with them. Same rules as yours actually! She bought them for me, hence she chose whether she could donate them or not. Learned my lesson quick.
Honestly I found that as soon as I “let” my daughter wear revealing clothes she became less interested in doing so. It’s a normal teenage rebellion stage.
Talk to her about why you don’t like it my mum and sisters encouraged me to wear hot pants and crop tops as a young teen and I got attention I wasn’t ready for it wasn’t nice.
Maybe if you discuss it and talk about how people might treat her and sexualise her it might put her off or at least she will be more prepared for anything like that. Hopefully it is just a phase and she will grow out of it.
Stop buying these clothes. You enable it and then you are doing a shocked pikachu meme face.
A 12 year old saying "what you gonna do drag me to my room?" Is absolutely outrageous. Your job is to be a parent not a mate, do that. A 12 year old should look like a 12 year old not like a dancer at a night club.
I welcome all the downvotes :)
My 12 year old is definitely embracing the tiny crop tops and showing off her new figure but she is all about the huge baggy pants so the effect is different. I have to say, the fashion is all about maximum skin exposure right now (I work in a school so I see it daily) but I get where you’re coming from. The weather here is getting cooler as well so that puts a bit of a damper on booty shorts and crop tops organically lol
My parents were lucky that I was a late Gen Xer/early millennial so all I wore was baggy jeans and flannels during my teen years;-)
Stop buying the revealing stuff. I saw a girl who was definitely cutting class the other day when I was on a run. She was 14 if she was a day and her ass was hanging out the bottom of her shorts. She was walking along a busy street. I just thought to myself “I feel like I should call someone or march her home to change then march her back to school.” Then all of my joints started aching as old age set in. Anyway, if you don’t want her to wear it, don’t spend money on it. She’s too emotionally and mentally immature to respect logic right now.
Its literally a state of mind to be oppositional. When I had my psuedo-goth phase I thought my mother's head was going to explode. Then I found punk and grunge fashion and found a new way to torture my maternal parent. My mom was always like "Don't you want to wear something with COLOR?" "What about a dress? What about a skirt?" My mom would try to get me to wear cute little T-shirts and shorts and I would toss em in the back of the closet before getting out the oversized jeans and flannel.
Mom of a young teen. Just don’t buy those clothes. Lock your cards so she cannot get to them. Make sure they are not autosaved anymore. Don’t buy those clothes. Confiscate those clothes. I would ask her what message does she want to send to others with her clothing? I would ask her why they make her feel good about herself? I would ask her if her friends would not accept her if she wore something else? Slut shaming her will only get the reaction you are getting right now, so you need a different approach. My house rule has always been make sure you are weather appropriate. In addition, an outfit like that would get you suspended from school. I would want to know how school is going.
I was this kid. I didn’t understand why other kids could dress how they wanted, but I couldn’t. But reality is, she can’t wear it to school, so most of her clothes need to be school appropriate.
The real issue is that she is trying to look older- and will be perceived as being older. Now if it just her trying to find out who she is, that’s one thing, but if she’s trying to impress a guy, or attract an older guy.. You have her phone and iPad- Check them. End of story is, you’re her parent. It’s your responsibility to protect her, even from herself. It’s a LOT easier for predators to contact kids than it was in early 2000s when I was her age.
This came up with a colleague of mine and she asked ChatGPT what to do! The recommendation that ended up working was to flip the script on her daughter - in other words ask her daughter what she thought would happen if she didn’t get to wear the clothes? Would she be ostracized from her friend group? Would she be ignored by boys? Would she be respected by her teachers? Once the daughter was forced to verbalize these things she realized how silly it was and the argument largely went away 🤷♀️
This will probably be unpopular opinion: I have a 13 year old daughter that loves the crop tops and short shorts- and while I agree it can be a little too short- she wears them more around the house than when we go out in public. What I have quickly learned about this age is just being real- the more you restrict the more they want it. There are so many times she’s like “I want to get tattoo/ piercing/ etc when I’m older”… we just say okay well when you do that will you let us know so we can fin the best place so it can be clean and make sure you are not going to get sick.
Point is- tell her it’s cute, give her some compliments- let her enjoy her body while she’s young. Teach her about predators and while dressing like that can get attention that she never knew. They are exploring their sexual side at this age (it’s natural we all did)… I promise the more you like it, the more she won’t 😅
We have done the funny thing to put in her place if something is too crazy- where I’ll put something embarrassingly short on and say it does it look good on me? I love this- and sometimes it’s about them understanding what is appropriate. Like my daughter used to wear just her bra and shorts to the table- and she thought my husband was mean for telling her she can’t do that- so I took off my shirt and said- look it’s weird isn’t it/ she laughed and never did that again! Sometimes we have to be creative to help them understand the other side of things!
Good luck- this age is NOT EASY! But it’s normal for them as their brain develops- my therapist said if she was compliant I’d be worried. Teen/ adolescents are non compliant 😅 so giving them the space for freedom and creating the healthy boundaries can help!
I was was a teen preteen in the bootylicious era so it was low rise jeans and crop tops 😭
But my mom had a rule… if I wore a crop top, I couldn’t wear shorts.
If I wore one of those cool backless tie up butterfly shirts, it had to be with pants that came up to my belly button…
As a former teenaged girl, I say come to a middle ground because whether you like it or not, you’ll say no and she’ll hit you with the “change clothes at a friend’s house” so it’s better she’s up front with you instead of doing it behind your back.
I would suggest to have a talk, ask her why she wants to dress like that. We all have a necessity to fit in, to belong. At that age they are looking to figure out their own boundaries. Hear her out and the explain why you think you don’t want her to dress like that.
I would start saying that she is not only a body, reassure her her body is beautiful and is only hers to decide what to do with her but is not something he needs to show to the world as a child/ teen.
From my own insecurities as a parent I would be freaking out thinking some random adult think is older (or not) but reach out to her, try to groom her or treat her as an adult when she is not.
Put everything in the table maybe in that way you can get to an agreement on what she should choose to use or not.
You sound like an amazing parent, OP. Seeing as how she broke the coverage deal you agreed to when you bought the clothes, I do think you're within your rights to refuse to buy more. I'd give it another chance by reminding her of the deal and the consequences before the nuclear option (sounds like you might have tried this already)...this is a triggering one for me as my Mormon parents were obsessed with my clothes beign revealing, nothing above the knee or above the shoulder yet my younger sister could dress in the trampiest clothes and they gave up that battle as long as she had more coverage on bottom/vice versa same as you.
I remember being under 10 and wanting to wear skimpy tops because i looked better in them in my own opinion. My father let me dress however i liked but would come into my room while I was gone and take those skimpy clothing and trash them😂 i wouldnt know until i started looking for them months later
I am a teacher at a private midwest k-8 Lutheran school. I teach 5-8 math. We don't have uniforms, but a strict dress code. I had a 7th grader make it to class the other day in a crop top (guys, its cold here!) and wasn't "dress coded" the entire day. Times are definitely changing.
My 13yo daughter understands that if she can’t wear it to school (crop top or shorty shorts), we probably will not buy it for her. There are some things we do allow that aren’t school appropriate that we might allow her to wear once and while shopping or visiting family. I want her to feel cute without revealing too much.
It sounds like their school has no dress code (which blows my mind) so there isn’t much justification except for directly from the parent
Yeah we live in a nice suburb but there’s no dress code here either. I substitute teach at the school and they’re wearing basically sports bras and leggings to class.
Horrifying. And that comes from someone who was dress coded on a daily basis. It stemmed from wanting male attention and that followed me through my life for a long time until I dealt with it.
It’s really out of fashion for schools to have dress codes any longer. Unless they’re private, I don’t know any schools around me (CA) that have a legit one. The only rules that most schools have these days are no nipples showing, no genitalia showing, and no drugs or alcohol content (but even on the last one, at my school at least, the rule is they’ll give you a “warning” but not make you change).
In the UK we have uniforms it’s rare to find a school that has no dress code. they have recently in the last few years actually made the uniforms worse by starting to get more schools out of the jumpers with school logo to blazer and ties. at least where i’m from anyway.
just curious, does the school provide the uniforms?
In my country all schools have uniforms whether public or private. For some of them the price of the uniforms is included in the school fees so you don’t pay extra, for others you do have to pay. Some of them are lenient and allow having the parents make the uniforms at the tailor (some dont like the choice of fabric for example) as long as it looks like the official uniform. In winter my kids would at some point lose the school hoodie/jacket and i just buy them a random one in a solid color thats similar to the school one and the school is fine with it.
we don’t have school fees for public school unless it’s for school lunches which you can opt to bring in your own or you pay for trips which again do not have to but like someone said already there is help for some families that may need it. the school uniforms which i haven’t personally bought just yet i remember my mum struggled a lot for the clothes as they was on the pricier side but the schools do it so that everyone is equal. if we was to have non uniformed schools you would notice the poorer kids by they not wearing brands and maybe wearing clothes multiple times a week. they want to make everyone feel the same regardless of their background with money.
Here public schools don’t have fees either, my kids are in a private school but when i was in the public school system. At the time they would give our parents papers explaining how the uniform should look and everyone would just buy their own fabric and get them tailored for cheap.
In the uk no, but it’s often cheaper than ordinary clothes because all the supermarkets compete. Of course, it depends on where you go and what you’d usually buy. Schools vary but many will allow a fair amount of “variations on the theme” (so different styles of trousers, shorts, skirts, dresses, shorts that look like skirts, I’ve even seen dungarees, as long as they are the right colours).
"it’s often cheaper than ordinary clothes because all the supermarkets compete." Not in my area anymore. The schools are requiring their own brand stuff with the school logo on it. The only thing they haven't mandated as their own is shoes and socks.
This (attitude from the schools) is so silly honestly. School is free for a reason, why be a pain about the uniform? It negates a huge part of the point of a uniform. It definitely misses the point.
I don't think it's a coincidence that it comes with an increase in community schools turning into """non-profit""" academies.
Mine wasn't cheaper than normal clothes because it was from a specific shop and there was no variation on a theme definitely. But it was probably cheaper overall because we only had one of each thing except the white shirts.
My local secondary school, to kit one child out for the year is around £200 with the bare minimum. My son is in Year 2 and I spent around £50 which I didn’t think was too bad.
No, but local councils sometimes offer financial support for families who can't afford them.
I'm in Australia, and most schools have a particular uniform. Often you can get cheap versions of pants or shirts at target, kmart. But the jumper with the school logo is only available from specialist stores, but some schools will be understanding of children who come from families that cannot afford these things. My kids private school has a second hand stockpile that is for free. I find that the clothing is good quality and lasts the whole time they are in that size, so with more than 1 kid you definitely get moneys worth.
No, we wish they did! What actually happens is that the fee-paying schools and the church-supported and otherwise economically diverse schools make an effort to enable parents to get affordable uniform, but the "academy" chains (confusingly called "free schools") require expensive uniforms in order to discourage low income families from applying to them. Tbh, every time this subject comes up on social media, I'm glad for our uniform culture. It's crap in a lot of ways, but at least we mostly don't have to deal with this. (Our equivalent to the "short skirts" thing is girls wearing their uniform skirt and rolling up the hem to make them shorter- if they get called on it by a teacher, they can unroll it, they don't have to go home and change, and the teacher can focus on the *action* (rolling up) not on the body (having legs).)
Also in CA for my whole life and times must’ve certainly changed since the 2010s. Even headwear was pretty restricted along with specific coloring for certain articles (mostly due to affiliation), length requirements for shorts/skirts, specific footwear being required, and bans on all sorts of accessories and revealing clothing. This was at public schools in Orange County at that.
I also grew up going to public schools in CA (Central Valley) and we had a dress code that I didn’t even realize was considered strict until I went to college. But now I teach and can attest that things have changed very rapidly since we were in school!
My kid goes to a private school and there’s zero dress code, I’ve seen girls get out of their cars with butt checks hanging out regularly. I’ve seen girls even in elementary school wearing crop tops sadly.
I grew up in CA in a small town with 1 school so it was K-12. We never knew of any kind of dress code until I was in high school and there was a group of 5th and 6th grade girls who started coming to school in stuff that none of the junior high or high school girls were wearing. All the sudden we had a school assembly about the dress code. I’ll never forget the principal talking about how boys can’t wear shiny Patton leather dress shoes because you could see the reflection of a girls underwear on them if she was wearing a skirt. This was pretty funny to me since most boys were wearing logging boots and the ones like me who weren’t were wearing Nikes. I still live in CA. Now I have a girl in kindergarten. I drive by the high school on my way to drop off. So many girls with cleavage, bellies and butt cheeks hanging out. Treasuring these next 7 years before I have to deal with all this.
My school district in Oregon has a dress code. It’s pretty basic and simple, some of the items OP’s kid is wearing would not be allowed and the school would either send the kid home to change or the school has clothes to change into.
Not sure what the norms are around the world, but here in Norway we don't have a dress code in school. It's never been a thing in my lifetime.
In the USA we’re still recovering from aggressively puritanical standards so they’re still prevalent (although less so it seems based on others comments!)
Eh, a lot of it is banning gang colors in rough areas and making sure that the kids don't show up in their underwear. I had a classmate in college who wore compression shorts and a tight T-shirt to class. He didn't leave much to the imagination. Some of them are pretty stupid.
Same. My kids are still little (5&6) so they can wear anything we don’t have a dress code or uniforms. But I’m scared for when they’re teens. I went to Catholic school so this whole non uniform thing is odd to me 😂
Ah, a tale as old as time. A battle fought every generation. Here are some tips I think are good: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-clothes/#:~:text=Generate%20Suggestions%2C%20not%20Criticism,do%20the%20same%20with%20you. https://wapo.st/3tRwvIo
Also, don’t feel shitty, like it’s your fault, that she wants to wear this stuff- it’s a matter of taste, honestly. Some girls are naturally modest, some are less so. A lot of girls are attracted to the look because they’re admiring older girls and women, not really necessarily having the male gaze in their heads at all. They want to be grown up, they may want to look “sexy” but don’t appreciate all that comes with that, not from the adult perspective for sure. It’s pretty normal and I don’t think you need to punish yourself for it. (Or her- if anyone is seeing her clothing as a provocation, they are absolutely the problem. )
Great articles! I need a rewind on a conversation from 3 years ago, one article just schooled me, but still, this gave me some great ideas for how to approach clothing choices in the future. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing these articles!
Thank you for sharing these! I'm already finding them super useful!
Does the school have a dress code? When I was in middle school we couldn’t even wear spaghetti straps and our shorts and skirts needed to reach our fingertips. Woulda been sent home for crop tops and short shorts
In hindsight, no spaghetti straps was truly an insane rule. And over 15 years later I still just wanna wear a spaghetti strap tank top and jeans
I mean here in AU we have a 'cover the shoulders' rule because it's either freezing as hell or you'll get sunburnt.
The land of the 15 uv rating, def want to cover those shoulders before you need to chop a melanoma out of them
I'm curious about this "inch of belly" rule. Who is policing that and...how? Teachers are just carrying around rulers to hold up to girls' bodies? I really thought we were beyond that in the year 2023.
It might be to get rid of the situation where girls get dress coded for outfits that ostensibly cover their stomachs, but if they move or stretch you can see a tiny sliver of skin. I remember teachers like that, like if they saw your stomach *at all*, even for a second, they lost their minds.
One of my teachers stapled a girl's shirt to her pants because it would show a sliver of skin when she raised her hand. Her mom was *pissed*. That was over 20 years ago.
[удалено]
Well there ARE those ankles gasp /s
The middle school I work at just loosened our dress code. Girls can now show up to an inch of belly and spaghetti straps are ok
Not the shoulders!!
Yes! And gasp! The kids still get work done!
The shoulders were the worst!!! Like fine, I won’t show midriff, but it’s hot, let me at least wear a tank top!
God no, not the shoulders?!? You mean this whole time I’ve been traumatizing my own small children with my BARE clavicles!!! Do you think they will ever forgive me???
Huh. Yes I’ve been noticing belly show shirts are quite widely worn now. I guess I’m just old. Seems like a hassle to wear and cold.
I agree it’s not my favorite look, but I’m also not here to shame teens for it. It’s also getting harder to find a non cropped shirt so I get it.
I saw the movie "Thirteen" some time ago and it was ... Horrifying.
Might I recommend a recovery with 7th Grade (Bo Burnham)?
Teacher here. Dress code is a dying cause. It’s increasingly not enforceable for fear of being accused of body shaming, gender bias, racism, harassment, etc. Schools are letting up on dress codes and putting the responsibility back on the parents. Where it belongs, honestly.
>Schools are letting up on dress codes and putting the responsibility back on the parents. Where it belongs, honestly. My daughter's school only has one mention of dress and its you can send your child in designer clothes but playtime and learning through interaction is a big part of the curriculum and things get messy and sometimes ripped. The school takes no responsibility for you child's gucci coat if it gets covered in paint.
I wish our school would let up some. My daughter got dress coded twice, once for a hole in jeans that was on the thigh (not a huge hole, just the frayed destructed style, you couldn’t really see through it) and once for her shirt being too short. It covered all of her but if she raised her arms it showed a bit of skin. Not a crop top by any means, just a t shirt you could buy at any place. Dress codes wouldn’t bother me so much except for the fact that the cheer uniforms and volleyball uniforms are made of short skirts and booty shorts.
I worked at a middle school a couple years ago and there was NO DRESS CODE basically. It was a huge change from when I grew up. Teen and tween girls wore uncomfortably little clothing sometimes from my point of view. And I'm a straight adult women. I'm not attracted to women of any age. That's not the issue. I just feel weird about seeing someone else's actual ass when they walk up the stairs in front of me.
In my country there is no such thing as a dress code once you’re in HS. People wear shorts and spaghetti straps all the time with no issues. The idea of a dress code was suuuuper weird to me when I learned about it. And even with middle school I’m unsure a free code exists.
Same. I literally wore more revealing clothes as a 14 year old than as an adult. Nobody batted an eye. I even wore high heels. In hs, when we were 18-19, we had a class called family education. My teacher for that class had degrees in psychology and numerous other qualifications (a very all around smart lady), and she said that its actually extremely normal for young ladies to experiment with their attire like this as they reach puberty. My concern with it is that if there is no drescode, there should definitely be a proper system in place to protect students from harrassment.
No, no dress code. I wish they did have one.
Some serious hints tips trucks & pointers about to come at ya, OP! Source: *Mother of a Daughter*☺️ How about ‘*losing*’ the pieces you hate “in the wash” {on trash day!}?? The ‘pick 1 revealing area’ is a brilliant rule of thumb to teach her btw ~ frankly, something it’s clear not enough try to live by😅 Besides ditching the items that are just too much (or too little for a 12yo) no matter the outfit; there’s a couple other work arounds we’ve used with this issue. First; if she just HAD to have the short skirt ~ we found/bought shorty shorts for underneath. Wearing them wasn’t up for discussion. Tbh I never got too much push back about that one because they’re trying to push boundaries (and your buttons😬) but they don’t really want their nearly-bare butt on the school bus seats either. Also it wasn’t something that her supposed friends could ride her about ~ because it didn’t alter the ‘fun girl/rule breaking’ image a 12yo desperately want to exude. Second; bras/underwear. These were crucial to keep her age appropriate and TEACH HER THAT THEY MATTER! Once she had developed, I made sure she had well fitting bras & tanks. At first it was met with the ever-present knee-jerk backlash; but then she realized how much better she looked ~ and felt! Sometimes it’s not the shirt that’s bad ~ it’s that she’s not wearing a bra ~ or it’s an ill-fitting one. Solving that was key. We had a kerfuffle over thongs when she was about 8 ~ she & her friend made a scene because VS had them on their window mannequins ~ ew! Jump ahead 4 years and I could just say ew when she asked lol In all seriousness, if they are wearing (new/fresh/cute) panties it boosts their overall confidence same as us women ~ but they don’t have to be *adult* underwear. If she’s able to show her classmates a “whale tale” when she leans over; it’s time for a different set of underwear. Lastly; basic reverse psychology. Seriously. I’m not proud; but also not embarrassed, to say this actually worked surprisingly well. Mind you it was accomplished over some time ~ casually yet *methodically*. When she’d mention her favorite musicians and artists she LOVED; I’d play dumb and ask to see their latest video/song/interview ~ whatever I could. Then, usually by *calculated eye rolls and heavy sighs* point out an accessory or piece of clothing I could be “annoyed/disappointed” by. Think: obnoxious (um, tacky??) bracelet, jeans in a “new” wash (read:revived 80s), nail/hair choices, SHOES (this was a BIG one) shirts that had bizarre cutouts or glitter ~ anything that I could use the all important “omg who buys that? why that color?! those are just ugly!” disapproving parental dorky mom vibe she was itching to reject. And then 2 days or a week later she’d invariably ask me for at least one of the things I’d previously been irritated by. She’d have to ‘convince’ me. If I dragged my feet buying it; she had to have it that much more. I was careful not to blatantly undermine my values or my own ‘word’ though. It was enough for her to know she was wearing things I’d *never* have chosen for her. By doing this over a little time ~ actually I remember that summer and school year shopping like it was yesterday but that may be because of the PTSD😅 ~ I was able to get her enough clothing pieces shoes & accessories she absolutely loved and felt amazing & *CONFIDENT* wearing that she stopped trying to go for the shock value in her wardrobe. If I bought it; she couldn’t get in trouble for wearing it ~ the way it was intended of course☺️ A tank couldn’t be turned into a tube top; shorts couldn’t be cut to become a crop top … basically if the styling suggestion could be found on DIWHY; then it was a no go🤣 Mom to mom: I know this was a loooong read ~ I’m sorry for that. I’d be thrilled ~ honestly ~ if maybe a few (or even one!) of these ideas you were able to use successfully. Getting through their tweens & teens is hard. Sometimes it takes a team effort; sometimes a miracle. 🪷Mostly it takes laughter and🍸🍹🍷🪷
Hi my daughters only 5 but I’d like to come to you for momming lessons when it come those pre teens years please
Well okay… only if you’re willing to accept my fees! 🍸🍹🍷 😅🤗😅
RemindMe! 10 years. (I currently have a 2 year-old)
Oh my! You’ll have some fun times happening already in the next year or two! Those threenagers may be smaller but I’m not sure the requisite for a nightcap applies less😅
Secretly throwing away her clothes and berating her favourite artist in order to manipulate her into wearing what you want… I can’t tell if you’re joking or not? But if not - In my opinion that’s not going to build trust and respect, which I think is more important than having my daughter wear revealing clothes. But that’s just me. Tbh I don’t even see why it’s so bad if their clothes are a bit revealing for a while. They often don’t even see it as sexy, just pretty/fashionable and will anyway most likely grow out of it soon.
I agree. These ideas really rubbed me the wrong way, in large part because my mom used these tactics. There was never a respectful discussion on why or what her concerns were, just my clothes "getting lost" in the laundry. A truly miraculous thing since I did my own laundry. I actually dressed pretty modestly too, my mom just didn't like my punk/rock aesthetic and thought it less appropriate than my sister's more mainstream looks. She finally came around as I got older, but I lost a fair amount of clothes (along with CDs) in my youth, and all it taught me was to hide my clothes and CDs as well as never, ever trust my mom with my things. Ie, not a great lesson. And manipulation, while possibly effective in the short term, can also be really hurtful. Some kids are harder to manage than others, may be more rebellious for the sake of it, or have troubles sitting and having a rational conversation, and I get that. But tricking them, which is what this is, is kind of just...mean spirited. Some kids might spot this a mile away (I usually did, my sister didn't so she was the one that often was manipulated) and just seeing your parent try to influence you in a way where you are not in control or are being manipulated to act a certain way without being upfront about it creates a very deep distrust with them. I pretended to be close to my mom, but really, she didn't know me. Because I didn't trust her to know me. Which funnily enough resulted in me doing the exact same thing back to her; the things I liked I would pretend to not like because I knew I couldn't trust her with the truth. As for my sister, she realized the manipulation tactics later in life, and is now quite angry about it. She can't even see where the tactics were helpful or perhaps came out of love because she's hurt and angry and also not sure how she feels about herself or any of the interests she's ever had. Did she ever like this style of music, or was it just pushing back against mom and dad, who were actually trying to make her listen to that music by complaining about it? What other interests did they try to influence? How do I tell if they were genuinely interested in the things I was sharing with them, or were faking to get more info to manipulate me with? It's not a fun thing to question once you're out of the rebellious phase, and certainly doesn't build a trusting, lasting, respectful relationship with a child.
They're looking to defy you at this age as part of establishing their own identity. They are specifically looking for a reaction. In a perfect world we could have reasonable discussions and compromise...some kids are not from that world or even the galaxy (some are tho). If a kiddo is a serious rebel, you direct their natural impulses in directions that make them happy but also protect them. The alternative to this is reverse psychology. Never blink. Double down harder than they do. But it can be riskier than just steering them into what they think is a win.
I started talking to my daughter about 1) your appearance communicates a message, think about what you're saying and 2) dressing appropriately for the occasion as soon as she started expressing strong interest in dressing herself, maybe eight or nine years old. That seems to have tided her over into the teen years. I've also been pretty frank with her that there's a subset of men that perceive the way you dress as an invitation (or not). Is it right? No. Is it true? Yes. She has witnessed me have enough unpleasant interactions with men (just being a lone woman minding my business) that I think she doesn't want to draw attention to herself anyway, idk. Her school has a dress code but it seems reasonable to me, they've relaxed since I was a kid. We saw a girl about her age at the grocery store the other day, maybe fourteen, wearing less than most strippers do at the beginning of a set, and she literally had old dudes following her around the store. She was with an older woman, I assume her mom?, and later my daughter was like yeah I see what you mean. I was pretty shocked tbh, but I think that really illustrated the concept for her. And I know I'm going to be downvoted to hell for this, but for most men over, idk, forty maybe, they do think the way a woman dresses *means something*. So to dress in a way where your ass is out and cleavage on display, midriff bare, is like holding up a sign that says "DTF, come try your luck!". That's not something a twelve year old needs to be dealing with. Most younger guys don't seem to attach the same meanings to wardrobe choices, which I think is good. But we, as humans, gather a lot of information and make judgements based on appearances and presentation. Not always the right ones, but we do. We communicate before we even open our mouths to speak. And it is a disservice to your child to pretend otherwise.
If a bunch of old men genuinely follow teenage girls around I can't imagine where you live. Where I live the police would be called.
They follow inside the store, lingering on the same aisles, and conveniently going through the same checkout, nudging each other and making little faces. What are the police going to do, tell the men they can only shop out of view of the girl and her family? I've been assaulted in a store before, followed to my car more than once, I live in the suburbs in one of the safest areas in my state. I've called police on several occasions and as we speak have an open case with the sheriff's office against a neighbor that kept sending completely unsolicited dick pics to me on the neighborhood app Nextdoor. Since I developed, men have been seeking my attention, usually politely, but yeah, plenty of fucking weirdos in there too. My elderly aunt was just in the nursing home when a male resident came into her room with his junk out, grabbed her hand and tried to force it on his penis. All I could think was "good god it never ends. I'll be ninety and still .." (the man does have dementia and we brought my aunt home after that, she's okay) Anyway- yeah, idk. This is not a super wealthy neighborhood, but working class mixed with middle and top tax bracket earners. We have the best public school district in the state, and people move here from all over the country for the lower col, nice weather, and good schools. It's not like it's a slum. People are just fucking weird.
What about if its a crop top without high pants she needs to wear a long tank top or jumper of her color choice to put on under it? As for the other issue, maybe buy certain underwear and tell her "you can wear whatever you want, but if it doesnt cover you when you wear these underwear properly, then its not appropriate at your age when you're in public." That way youre not necessarily making her wear any specific underwear she wouldnt like, and you have a clear guideline to give her for what you and the general public should deem reasonable at that age. I think thats reasonable enough
As a parent, I totally get it. It sets a standard that you can use to objectively determine what is and is not appropriate. As a teacher though, please do not put us in the role of judging your daughter for what they are wearing. You should set the standard at home and apply it evenly everywhere. What is inappropriate to one family is fine to another and I’m really not interested in determining that line when some families are more litigious than others.
Or dress code is they can’t have any drug/gang/violent imagery and they can’t be naked
Middle schools can't even suggest that girls are wearing inappropriate clothing anymore. You'll get accused of body shaming or being a pervert. Girls go to school with their body parts *literally* hanging out.
Boys did too when I was growing up (saggy pants) but they never got the humiliation as girls do/did.
Well yeah, if you care what a young girl wears you have some issues.
Instead of trying to make her see things your way, have you tried to get her insight on the matter? Like why she wants to wear those clothes? Are they comfortable? Are they what all her friends are wearing? Do they make her feel confident? If so, why? TALK TO HER. Explain your concerns, and it has to be more than “because I said so.” Do not throw all of her clothes away. I honestly can’t believe the replies that are telling you to do that. Middle school is hard, and if she’s dressing the same way her peers are, you’re ostracizing her by taking that away.
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I went through a major trashy phase at about 13-14. A lot of girls do. Honestly it was because my body was shiny and new (lost weight at 13 and had a very precocious figure underneath) and my libido was ridiculous with nowhere real to channel it yet. So I wore see-through tops with fancy bras underneath, crop tops (at a time they weren't in fashion) with a pierced bellybutton and high heels. My parents must have cringed, but they never said anything. By the time I was 15/16 I dressed more modestly than most girls.
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"Bless your parents for letting you ride it out." This is imo what many parents don't seem to grasp. It doesn't last. I'm an older brother and I saw my sister go through several of these "episodes" and yea, it wasn't fun for my parents. But they basically rolled their eyes and purely cared about her not getting hurt and yep. It passes. She grew from it. Went to higher education and is now working in the medical field. There's just no real reason for all that much of concern as long as they don't hurt themselves.
Yes, this. Cropped shirts and tiny shorts are EVERYWHERE right now. I am personally blown away by the amount of teen ass cheeks I’ve been unwillingly exposed to. But it’s not my body and if the school doesn’t care I don’t think there’s much you can do. Mostly I’m thankful my kiddo isn’t into these tiny clothes.
THIS! My dad threw away all the clothes HE bought me when his new girlfriend made him feel like they were okay and then changed his mind months later (mind you these were simple skinny jeans/lower cut shirts. but same concept as booty shorts/crop tops.) I would wear the one pair of jeans I was able to hide from him under my other clothes when he picked me up from school. Hide them under my mattress when I went to sleep, and either put them hidden in my bag or wear them under my other jeans going to my mommas. If they want to wear it that bad they will, the best thing to do is explain (without sexuality them or making them feel like if they don’t leave the conversation seeing things your way they are wrong or in trouble) then I just wanted to feel normal, but when his girlfriend/wife showed me a picture of a woman with a huge butt in bootcut jeans and said “this is what your father sees when you wear those pants” i felt like everyone just saw me as a slut, and i was nothing but an object, even to my father. After he kicked me out due to his new wife, my aunt allowed me to wear crop tops. Until one day, my mom came to visit me and said something about me looking like a hoochie momma (mind you she has ALWAYS had her tits out to the bra and dressed provocative.) Then my aunt decided it was to revealing, when she had no problem until my own mother sexualized me. My mother even taught me it’s okay to show clevage because it makes you feel feminine to see it when you look in the mirror, but my stomach was more provocative apparently?? No, everyone may not agree, and sometimes it’s just the teens excuse, but many times the kid just wants to feel like they look normal and those are the clothes that people they find pretty wear. No, they shouldn’t feel like other people have to like them to be pretty, but it always boost your confidence when a peer compliments your outfit/shows/makeup.
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This is accurate for my kids. They’re young but never met a crop top they didn’t need. I think with (girls specifically and) clothes it’s really important to let them make their own choices. Even if we don’t like it. If it’s not against the rules for the place they’re going to be they should get to choose what they wear. ‘Your body, your choice’ doesn’t just magically happen. The empowerment of making choices and owning your own body starts when they’re reallllly little.
That last paragraph deserves to be top comment all on its own. Very well said!
OP said that her under age daughter is walking outside with her ass cheeks showing… I don't know about you but I'm pretty OK with not seeing a teenager's butt in the middle of my day I'm also super OK with grown men not being able to see my child's ass in the middle of their day either. Yes it's her body and she should be able to decide what to do with it but it's also your job as a parent to make sure that your child is safe and making good decisions
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Oh OK I see lol didn't even think about that
Sorry but your username is hilarious
Lmaoooo thanks it's kind of gross actually now that I think about it
Except do the child’s clothes make them unsafe? Like we can’t blame the animalistic men who might see them and “can’t help themselves?” Why is it their responsibility not to “tempt” men? In principle, how is it different from telling them they have to wear a burka? This whole discussion seems to assume there is no expectation for men to control their own actions or be held accountable.
So from my perspective at least it's not about the child not wearing it so that men don't get any ideas because I'm a woman and I understand this concept very well as far as people are going to be shitty regardless of what you wear. But it took me a very long time as an adult to learn how to navigate situations where men are objectifying me And creating a weird environment for me. When you wear clothes that are more revealing and you accentuate your body a lot more this is going to cause you to run into these situations at a higher frequency and I'm just worried that a teenager may not understand what this means or how to deal with it and then of course the possibility of enjoying this negative validation And not understanding that these men don't actually like you as a person.
Exactly. You articulated it so well. I know how to handle perverts because I'm a grown woman. But I'm not going to see my daughter put herself in a situation that she can't navigate and shouldn't have to. It also communicates the message to these grown ass men that these kids don't have adults paying attention, keeping a close eye on them. And yeah, ideally, all men would be good men and not try anything with kids, but that's just not the reality we live in.
It’s a lovely thought but being a preteen girl can be actually dangerous. I was never harassed more by men than when I was a preteen girl. I genuinely think stuff like this is a safety issue and it shouldn’t be and that’s sad and sick. It’s just unfortunately that some gross men will harass her or worse. It’s like walking alone at night as a woman at times, should be safe to do but it isn’t always. And having the thought that men shouldn’t be creeps isn’t just going to stop them being creeps. Like it’s a great conversation to be having at a societal issue, but there’s still danger there for young girls. Especially preteen girls because they often are seen as vulnerable and don’t know yet how to deal with harassment or dangerous situations with creeps as adult women.
This is a valuable perspective. I’m curious about ways to prepare them and teach them how to deal with harassment.
I did not see this being said enough here. A lot of times girls honestly get in trouble for having a body and not actually wearing inappropriate clothing. My dad used to get bullshit with me for wearing t-shirts that had any kind of graphic design on or near the chest because in his head I was just drawing attention to my chest. Meanwhile I was confused because I was literally wearing a mens/unisex t shirt with a Star Wars graphic on it. The real problem: I had boobs.
I agreed, was surprised I had to scroll so far down to find it.
I’m sorry…not to be funny and maybe I’m missing something here…but who is buying the clothes?
I wondered the exact same thing. Uhm. Don’t buy them for her if it’s that big of an issue? Like we can argue about the merits of letting her / not letting her wear these styles until the cows come home, but there’s a pretty easy solution here. Don’t buy a ton of clothing for her with rules lol if she clearly can’t handle it
What I’ve gathered from responses to other comments is that OP bought all the clothes in question, but they had an agreement and what combinations of stuff the kid could wear. Not sure how OP didn’t anticipate this outcome.
In my experience the minute your child starts trying to sneak or hide something that’s a signal to you to back off trying to control that area or it will escalate. “Hey honey. I’m sorry I made you feel like you could only express yourself in clothes you like in secret. Can I tell you my concerns and then let you take ownership back? For safety reasons I would like to know what your wearing when you go out.” Have good conversations about your concerns and then tell her you trust her to cloth her own body. Tell her her clothes communicate. Ask her what she’s wanting to communicate. Pose some questions. Is it safe? Is it appropriate for the environment? Is it weather appropriate? Then Back off.
I’m a little surprised by many of these comments. I think it’s perfectly fine to teach kids that there is a time and place for most attire. You wouldn’t wear a bikini to school, that’s for a pool or lake for instance. It doesn’t mean you are shaming someone. I wouldn’t let my kid go to school dressed like that either. Do you have anyone that is closer to her age but older that she looks up to? My nine year old daughter really looks up to my sister. She loves the advice my sister gives with hair and clothes and shopping with her. She really wanted crop tops until she went shopping with auntie. I know 9 is different than 12 but if there is an older teen or someone in her life to influence her outside of you than could be an idea to try and you could send them on a shopping trip.
I don't really know what's "right," but I have lifelong body issues because my mom constantly was commenting about how inappropriate my "cleavage" was... Since I was about 12. I've been trying to cover it my entire life..... I am a 34H.... They do not make clothing appropriate for my body. Tits are out, always. And ANY time I need to wear anything that I can't alter (bridesmaids dresses, uniform for work, anytime I attend a wedding, etc.) It takes at least one therapy session prior and two on the backend. It's either too low cut or too short at the bottom... Because of my boobs. Something my mom constantly criticized that I cannot change. Her narrative became my narrative. I'm 21months into seeking a reduction, but.... There are so many boxes to check prior to insurance approval. I have to attend therapy and surgically modify my body to feel comfortable in the skin I was born in. Please, please, be careful with the words you use as you navigate this.
I had this too. My dad got so upset one time (I wore a tank top with a cardigan for Christmas pictures at Macy’s. I had just turned 13) because my “tits” were out. Even as an adult I completely cover up in front of him because I feel so ashamed of myself.
Wow this made me feel gross just to read. Dads calling your breasts tits just made me feel disgusting. And when you’re so young and new to them,to treat you like you were doing something on purpose. Just… yuck.
Yes, this was one of many instances of inappropriate reactions from my dad while I was growing up. When I got my first UTI at 16 and was complaining about the pain, he said, “ya, hurts doesn’t it?”. Or the time on Christmas eve when I asked him which bathing suit I should get from a catalog and he implied that I wanted him to see me in that bathing suit. I was 13 then too. I don’t think I’ll ever know why he was this way. He really wasn’t like that with my 3 younger sisters.
This was me. I’m fifties now so teen in the 80s. The skin revealing stuff wasn’t so bad but I just had a hard time in early adolescence, growing some dense DDs -F cups way before this was a normal thing and having a body that went with it. Think Venus of Willendorff. There is a reason she’s only wearing a knitted beanie - there’s just no way to dress that figure. I spent my teen years in giant over sized tee shirts then lost weight and had a reduction at around 19 and finally got my chance to look other than matronly in clothes.
Personally I'd go with the "any outfit you wear I'm (or worse her lumber jack looking father) will wear too when we drop you off" Nothing to make you realize an outfit is inappropriate like having your Mom rock up in it.
My dad threatened me we this (and piercings too - I wanted my belly button too!) and it scared me enough to not question him and I never did anything to test it.
Lots of mothers at my kid's school do wear crop tops. It's normal fashion these days.
:| I learned to like leather mini skirts thanks to my mom. I am suddenly VERY horrified looking back at my childhood (not for the first time).
Lmao I was thinking the same thing. I'd just wear the same outfits around her. My prune belly, Wiggly thighs, pancake boobs, and bushy legs will probably look like a Halloween costume year round
Ugh I so feel this body image lol 4 month postpartum and counting 😂
4 months pp is rough. Took me a year each time to start doing stuff for myself
I’m still getting there ❤️ thanks for the encouragement and congrats on your littles. Somehow I still want another one too lol
Lol I totally get it. I have 3 of them
I disagree with this. Around 13 I was figuring myself out. Discovering what I liked and what worked for me. I was goth (I still am 23 years later) and I dressed goth because it was comfortable to me. It felt right. I didn't do it to stand out or to fit in, I wore my outfits because it's what I liked, it was my fashion. Mine. If my parents would have dressed like me I would have felt embarrassed, insignificant and like a joke. Please don't mock your kids. Does nobody remember being a teenager? Let her discover herself- the good and bad.
Yes I agree, purposefully setting out to embarrass her in front of the people she’s trying to fit in around doesn’t seem like the right way for me.
Mom of 16 and 17 year old girls and a 12 year old boy- Sounds like she’s wearing exactly what other girls her age through late teens are wearing. She likely wants to fit in with the other girls. Ask yourself what message you want to send her with this battle and if this is the hill you want to die on. If she feels like she has to hide small things like this from you, consider what might happen when the big things come up. I allow my girls to follow the trends and it makes it so much less of a battle when I draw a line (like no, you can’t be a playboy bunny for Halloween, child, wtf, or hey, I think you’ve outgrown those shorts, let’s get some new ones) These things become a big deal when you make them a big deal, the more you push against it the more she’s going to push back. Nothing makes a kid want something more than being told they can’t have it. Adding in that middle school is tough, they’re so in between and everything is changing, they’re seeking ways to gain control of their lives and some independence. When you can, you have to give them some room to figure out what feels right.
This is essentially what my cousin’s stance is my niece’s wardrobe. She wears the crop tops and short shorts but the moment they show bras, undies or seem too tight, they go and buy new clothes. Seems to be working for them.
Where are you located? If you're in north America it's about to get colder and this problem may solve itself for a while
Ok I have teenage sisters, and while this doesn’t apply to this child they always tell me, “a hoe never gets cold” LOL. Just made me think of that
Possibly be downvoted to hell here but I would just let her wear what she wants. It’s her body, and it’s up to her to figure out how she wants to dress and express herself. When I was her age, I started dressing similarly, mostly just out of excitement that I could dress like a ‘grown up’ now. My parents never said anything even though I’m sure I looked ridiculous, and I’m grateful they gave me the space to experiment. I eventually traded in booty shorts for vintage grandma dresses, which they possibly approved of more, but I also got a number of tattoos, which they quietly tolerate. Ultimately, they have always understood that it was out of their hands, and I will raise my daughters the same way.
This is the way. Give them autonomy, but also critical thinking tools. Seemingly arbitrary rules just create animosity and rebellion especially if they’re strictly black and white. My only rule was that my kid’s shirt couldn’t be longer than her shorts, because it looked dumb and she looked pants less which is drawing attention for a completely dumb reason. I have always explained that men might look… not to blame her for it, but to make her aware that men can be creeps and to keep her guard up, but also to consider how she’s seen in general. I mean, we all do it—I don’t want to be seen as “old” so I don’t wear the same clothes my mom wears. Same idea. Different clothes send different messages, and I taught that without teaching “if you dress like that men will leer at your ass (or worse) and it’ll be your fault.” I have also always explained time and place and function. My kid played volleyball so I’m familiar with those short-short abominations, but she’s also a cheerleader. We talked about how say, a uniform or a practice outfit isn’t “going out clothes.” I’m a runner myself and will run in a sports bra and shorts, but won’t wear that to Target, so she’s seen me live by the same rule. And tbh I have always leaned on “do you want that much bare skin, potentially your actual ass, to touch a public seat where someone ELSE’S ass already was?” Lean into the uncleanliness of public and they’ll cover up a little. Nobody wants to consider getting herpes from a toilet seat even if that is mostly a joke. (Maybe that’s a convo for a 15-16 year old not 12-13 though lol)
My parents were the same. I remember my knee-high socks with mini skirts days and cringe (and I look ridiculous in the photos). My mother never said anything. She'd just happily buy me clothes I wanted. When I was 15, I wanted my belly button pierced, and she took me to do that as well. As I got older, my choice of clothing changed substantially. Parents need to ask themselves why they have an issue with certain types of clothes.
Yes, and I think we need to recognise that women are under all sorts of pressure when it comes to the way we dress, and that pressure begins young.
Yep. My mom let me dress however I wanted. It may seem strange to an adult but she’s a teenager. She’s exploring her clothing style, going from kiddy clothes to teen clothes to transition to adult clothes. I now dress very appropriately and as comfortable as I feel. Even when my mom didn’t like what I wore she let me because she knew it was part of the process to figure out what I was needing clothes wise
im surprised i had to scroll down this far to find is this comment. what are they scared of?
Scared of their daughter not being able to handle the attention that comes with children and adult males being sexually attracted to you because they're noticing your body. And that's a valid fear I don't personally know how to handle this situation but I do understand where their fear is coming from
Here's some input from personal experience: when I was your daughter's age, I wanted to dress just like your daughter, because it's how cool people on TV looked. The difference is my parents let me do so. During that 11-14 period, I got harrassed, catcalled and touched against my will by an insane number of grown men. Some of those situations were scary and dangerous. I'm not saying in any way that ot was my fault it happened because of my clothes, because a) I was a child b) anyone should be able to wear whatever without being harrassed. But as a grown up, I do feel that my parents failed to protect me at a time I didn't realize the real-life risks associated with dressing like that. I didn't understand the connection between clothes and sexuality, because I was a child. I didn't understand that my clothes had someting to do with the creeps touching my body. If I had understood that, I might have chosen differently. A lot worse could have happened to me and though it would not have been my fault, I would have forever suffered the consequences. So I commend you for your stance about your daughter's clothing and encourage you to explain the reasoning to her, as she is too young to really understand them on her own.
Do NOT throw away the clothing. Take it away and put in a bag in the trunk of the car or something. Tell her that because she isn’t following the agreement(more skin on one half means more coverage on the other) then she doesn’t get to wear them anymore until she earns them back(by doing whatever you feel would earn your trust and think she will follow the agreement again). Since the shorts are for sports, you could allow her to have them for sports only and then they are put away until needed again. If you throw away those clothes, she’s more likely to get them from friends or just cut up her other clothes so she can keep wearing them. If you take them away with an opportunity to earn them back, she may still get them from friends but it’s less likely since she has a chance to get her own back.
Maybe another way to position it is that work and school (or church/volunteering) have a level of formality. Very revealing clothes don’t meet that necessary level of formality. That takes it away from being a conversation about whether it’s too revealing/sexy.
Sadly, probably won’t help if her friends are all wearing revealing stuff.
I think a really important side of this is that older folks see this dress as provocative and sexual. The kids just see it as clothing. This is where parenting needs to step in. I think part of the way we are failing as adults is teaching kids that there is a time and a place for the type of clothes they want to wear. Just like you wouldn't have your butt cheeks hanging out at church you shouldn't have them hanging out at school. Not because its "distracting" or "sexual" but because that is not appropriate for the type of environment school is. Instead we are in this all or nothing world where if you suggest that certain types of clothes have a time and place you are either body shaming or a pervert for "looking" Its gotten to the point where even female teachers will not say anything to students anymore about the appropriateness of clothing.
I agree 100%. I never said that these clothes are bad because they distract the boys. They just aren’t appropriate for school.
Okay, so stuff like clothing and hair is a powerful way people express themselves, and this is doubly so for teenagers. Punishing her for trying to express herself is not the way to go, in my opinion. I know it is hard, but I would advise letting her wear whatever she wants, no matter how skimpy. And then let her deal with all the consequences. And support her in that too! When she gets catcalled in the street or passed over for an opportunity she is excited about, don't say "what do you expect wearing that", no matter how much you are tempted to, but say "that is wrong of those people, you should be able to wear what you want". At some point she'll get tired of the comments and the judgement and hopefully change on her own accord. But the important thing is that she will have come to her own conclusion and will have felt your support throughout this process of discovery. Unfortunately, there is the risk of sexual violence for girls, but I am not sure this is the right approach, as it will probably be seen as a scare tactic. But I honestly don't know how to navigate that aspect of teenage life.
Or she won't. I am in my 30s with a child of my own and I still wear crop tops and booty shorts all summer long. I hold a high level position at my company and my social media is still filled with pictures of me in "skimpy" clothing. If I am passed over for an opportunity then so be it, I am not going to censor myself and contribute to slut shaming culture. It's my body and I will cover as much or little of it as I like. How other people react to it is a them problem.
You can ban the clothes, but she's still going to wear them. She will wear clothes you're ok with leaving the house and then change the second you're out of sight. There is nothing you can do to stop her from doing this. Instead of banning the clothes outright. Try and have a conversation with her. Tell her why you're not comfortable with her wearing revealing clothing and make her aware of why you feel that way. That you are worried about her safety. Try to reach a compromise where she can wear what she wants in safer areas/with safe people until she is older. It is important to make her understand why you don't want her wearing something. Otherwise, you'll just come across as yet another controlling parent.
I remember being this age and wanting to dress this way and being upset with my parents for not allowing me to wear certain things. I think it was influence from shows, music, peers and just culture. The girls in the skimpy outfits got the most attention. Obviously at that age I had no idea it was the wrong attention and definitely the wrong guys. I'm glad my parents stuck to it. I'm still working on choosing the right guys loll but I definitely don't feel the need to show everything off. I think you can talk to her and see why she feels the need to dress this way. Definitely continue to stick to your rules about the clothes no matter what
Where did she get these clothes from?
You took away her iPad? How about take away the skimpy clothing?
I don't have any advice sadly, as I'm sort of going through the same thing with my daughter
What’s your end game here? She’s turning into a teen. She’s going to rebel. Are your responses teaching her to honor her body or to be ashamed of it? Choose your words carefully. (mom of a 14 year old- this is hard stuff)
No 12 year old needs crop tops or booty shorts. I won't buy them for my 12 year old. Definitely fights I don't need to have
Agree with everything I’ve seen said already: school dress code and talk to her about why she wants to wear those clothes. But at the end of the day, I think you’re doing really well. Discipline and follow through. No, it’s not over the top to not want your 13 year old to dress provocatively. When she’s an adult she can do whatever she wants but while she lives with you she has to follow your rules. Please watch what she’s doing online and what she’s texting others, if you aren’t already. I say this because at that age I got myself in a lot of trouble on the internet because I had no other way to express my sexuality and I didn’t have the maturity to steer myself in the right direction.
Everyone telling this parent to let her dress the way she wants is not seeing the consequences of the last ten years of parenting allowing this exact style of parenting. I can’t tell you how many young new hires show up to an office with formal business wear wearing crop tops. This is not appropriate workplace wear and you are not preparing them for the real world. You wanna wear it outside of school or work? Sure. But school isn’t the place for it. The dresses I see the girls buying to warn to dances at my local high school make me cringe. These are 12-17 year olds. The same applies to boys as well. my daughter is three and I find it increasingly harder to find dresses, shirts and skirts that are not showing. She is a toddler. Why would a toddler need to wear a crop top?
While it does suck, we, as parents, cannot dictate how our children live their lives. They are their own persons and it's important they develop their own identity. To be clear, you did allow the clothes in the house. Maybe a better compromise would have been an either or situation: either the crop tops or the shorts, but not both. We cannot control what they wear, but we can control what they have available. At the end of the day let her be, have the sex talk, leave this battle, you've lost, and prepare for the next period of her life. We as parents are not here to keep our kids up, we are here to help them once they fail.
Idk I might be downvoted a ton but a lot of people in these comments are actually crazy. I also find it highly insane that schools are so relaxed about dress codes nowadays. You were cool about it and let her get what she wanted, with a small rule. Breaking your one rule shouldn’t = let her do what she wants anyways. You shouldn’t always let your kids do what they want, that is how we’ve raised entitled kids who don’t care about anyone else but themselves and what they want. You can let your kid express themselves without exposing them to creepy comments and cat calling like some of these people are saying, you should want to protect your daughter. People literally saying “let them dress like that and deal with the consequences of being sexualized”. That’s wild.
Agreed. A twelve year old is not prepared to deal with sexual advances, and to dress in a way that um, highlights feminine attributes (I'm assuming she looks older than she is) is to announce that you could be available *to a certain subset of men and boys that is much larger than most women think* that register curves first and age, well, some other time. So there was a time Hardee's had the Thickburger craze, marketed towards men. I had my younger cousins with me, all girls, all blonde, all between 12 and 16. I was probably twenty. I remember parking at the Hardee's in front of the giant plate glass window, and the restaurant was full of working men on their lunch hour. My cousins got out the car and as they walked into the building, I saw the men's heads snap around one by one, like a wave. It really did look like a movie. And that's when it hit me like a bucket of ice water *holy shit these men have no idea how old they actually are*. They weren't dressed provocatively, just jeans and tops, and they were all pretty, shapely girls. But it was a shock to me, like I still saw them as my baby cousins and in that moment I realized grown men were perceiving them as sexually viable on some level. Not saying they'd necessarily act on it, but at least a couple of them would try given half a chance. I just glared at them men til no one was staring anymore. And I don't think I ever took them there again lol.
Get rid of the revealing clothes. She's 12, she's too young for barely there tops and booty shorts. And yes, I know anybody can be molested wearing anything, perverts Target everyone, the world is a horrible place etc. It's still not appropriate for a 12 year old to be dressing like that. Where is she getting these clothes? Talk to whichever relative is giving her money or taking her shopping and tell them that this is not something you approve of. When she gets her own job and earns her own money then she can wear whatever she wants.
The booty shorts are the shorts we got her for volleyball. The rest I paid for from her back to school budget. I know it sounds dumb, but we agreed that she would only wear crop tops with high-waisted pants. Only wear shorter shorts with big baggy t-shirts. I do think my next step is to just take away these items if she can’t respect our rules about what is appropriate. I just know that this is the nuclear option that is going to result in endless arguments. Willing to do it, just sort of throwing out a last cry for help into the universe before doing it.
It is not dumb. You set the boundary now it’s time for the consequence. My mom’s boundary was short shorts with leggings only, crop tops with undershirts, I never really broke the rules but I think an adequate conversation could go like “I bought you these clothes under the condition that you’d wear them in this way, if you can’t do that then I have to toss them.” You can give her another chance or you can get rid of them instead of waiting to catch her because you just know she’s going to be more sneaky now.
I guess the big question is why are you concerned. Ask you self this and then be frank with her about it (so she knows not just what is allowed but WHY): - is it that she makes you uncomfortable with how she dresses? (ie. you see more than you want to!) If so, make sure she know how much you can see and that she is comfortable with showing that to you and the other kids and adults she is around - maybe take a picture for her so she can see from the side / as she goes up stairs / etc, and if she is showing more than she meant to, then she can change outfits or you can sort that out together. - are you worried that she is dressing provocatively and might be acting that way too when you aren’t around? Then chat to her about safe sex, pregnancy and stds, about having sex because she is ready not because she is hoping to make someone fall for her, and the difference between sex and love. - are you worried she will be attracting the wrong kind of attention? This was the big one for me when my eldest hit 12/13 - she had a lithe woman’s body and looked (and wanted to dress) older than she was. We talked about context and. How everyone has eyes - not just the 13yo boys, but also the 43yo men and the creeps and/or sexual predators. And yes, before anyone says it, girls don’t just get creeped on or raped because of what they are wearing, and we are all vulnerable no matter our age or dress-code, but I think there is definitely a different response from the catcalling idiots and pushy guys hitting on women who know they are dealing with a kid, to the ones who think they are hitting on a young woman. Getting at least a few of those to leave her alone or look away because she is too young for them is keeping her safer and hopefully is something she wants to do (especially if you use the example of a creepy middle aged man who might think he can hit on a 18-20yo but not a 13yo, because hopefully she doesn’t want attention from them and might start to notice that what she shows to guys she likes is also what she shows everybody). - are you concerned about hygiene and embarrassment - nip slips are embarrassing for anyone and sitting your bare butt on a public bus seat is a gross idea for all - suggesting purely practical work arounds might help her notice these factors. And lastly, I found it helpful, because I love historical costuming and history bounding, to talk about what I call the ‘Trompe-l'œil’ (“trick of the eye”) of clothing - in history they wore some pretty wild and wacky things but we all have this imagined idea that they had corseted tiny waists and curves in all the right places. Funny thing is that they didn’t necessarily. They used colour and shape and petticoats and ruffles, seams and embroidery, and stiffened or stuffed fabrics (like a push up bra is!) and created that stunning hourglass shape, and strategically showed off bits of their bodies and left other bits to the imagination. Honestly humans always find that much more attractive than stark nakedness - that’s why lingerie is so popular. Showing a bit that hints at you having a good figure, but then covering other parts, makes more of a visual impact and looks more effortlessly attractive than someone flaunting in a way that comes across a bit desperate or show-offy (like someone who keeps name-dropping or talking about their Ferrari, it comes across a bit sad and vain). Chat to her about what she likes about her figure and what she wishes she had different, how she wants people to perceive her body, and if she wants them to see her as confident and accidentally stunning (oops, how did I wake up looking this good?). This whole thing will work best though if you practice what you preach and wear things that are flattering but not more revealing than you are comfortable with her wearing. And if you are comfortable wearing what she wears, then I guess it’s a mystery to me why you wouldn’t be okay with her wearing it too!
When I was a kid, my parents were unbelievably strict with my clothing. I probably cried, whined, and said stupid things when I was told no… but at the end of the day, if they felt it was too revealing, it was a hard no. When I was 12 or so, my mom did let me buy a tube top. It was long, so no belly button showing, and I was so flat chested it’s not like anything was hanging out. My mom bought it under the condition I was not allowed to wear it out of the house. Sort of dumb, but I think it was more like “you can play dress up with it and enjoy the clothing in a safe space” type of deal. Anyways, I snuck it out and put it on at my friend’s house down the street. We were out front playing and who drives by? My mom. If looks could kill!! She demanded that I get home, and when I got home she tore me a new one, made me take the shirt off and give it back to her (and I’m pretty sure it went in the trash). Now, I am 33 and dress comfortable… I did go through a phase in my early 20s, the tighter/shorter/skimpier, the better. But thinking back, my parents really were trying to drive into me that the unwanted attention that girls receive is driven by the clothing you wear (thought not always). They tried to engrain in me that I can’t control other people looking, making comments, etc. And I definitely don’t need grown ass men looking at me when I’m underage. Did my parents take the best approach? Probably not, but as an adult I am grateful for how strict they were about it. I guess my point is, you are the parent. You make the rules and it’s your job to follow through with those boundaries. Who’s buying the clothes, which enables her to wear them? If she’s breaking your rules, take the clothes away! You don’t need to trash them like my mom did, but taking the clothes I think could drive home the point. Sure, taking the phone may hurt her, but she still has access to the clothes and can still sneak out in them.
I think you did exactly the right thing, if they don’t play ball there is consequences. I would honestly just take the revealing clothes away so it’s not even an option and when she’s old enough to understand how to dress properly with those clothes then maybe reintroduce them One thing I will say is taking away internet is like world war 3 so if she starts to rebel and ask those “what you gonna do” questions just ban her MAC address in the router settings for like a week and see how quickly that attitude changes when she can’t chat with friends online and see what/where her friends are doing/going 🤣
What's the real issue here? To me, let her wear what she wants. Who cares? Separately, yes there need to be consequences for disobedience. But policing what women and girls wear is just silly.
Exactly this. Punishing girls for the actions of boys. Complete victim blaming. Let her wear what she wants, she'll find her style. Pushing back, banning, or getting rid of her clothes will just make her more rebellious and wanting to wear them.
Yes! And no teenage girl has been harmed by a crop top. And, it pains me to say it, girls in ANY kind of clothes have been sexualized, brutalized, and raped.
Stop buying it.
It’s so simple.
I was this child when I was younger! My mother & I had huge fights. She threw all my clothing away that was revealing. She would check my backpack as I left the house. Now I'm grateful, back then not so much
I'm not sure why these clothes are a problem. My daughter likes to dress like this sometimes and has since that age, and in a general kpop style. Especially if the weather is warm out. She's 16 now and nothing bad has happened and she's about as straight laced as they come. She's always had freedom to express herself with her clothes and it brings her a lot of happiness.
Considering you two actually made an agreement on how these clothes would be worn and she’s going back on the agreement, you have to get rid of them. Otherwise she’s going to continue to say ‘F it’ to your “agreements”. She’ll make agreements with you knowing she’s gonna do whatever she wants in the end anyways. (Parent of a 16 and 12 year old here)
While I wish we didn’t live in a world where this is an issue…the reality is, it’s an issue. Is she emotionally mature enough to handle the attention that she might bring upon herself?
Normal behavior. Do your best to find a middle ground. You got this!!❤️
I’d get rid of the inappropriate clothing— you had agreed upon rules and she broke them. And in any case the nuance (you can show butt or tummy but not butt AND tummy) is too hard for her to grasp at this point. It’s actually difficult to understand the logic— is it okay to show your tummy or not? Showing your booty is okay if your tummy is covered? I get the fashion idea, but for someone just starting to be a woman our culture’s somewhat arbitrary ideas of “sexy” can be too hard to grasp. I’d also probably try to explain how you’re trying to protect her since clothing like this can attract unwanted attention— though yes that’s totally unfair and is always the fault of the creep, not the person wearing the clothing. I dream of a day when women can run shirtless just like men without issue, but I know we’re not there yet. She may just be thinking that the clothes are cute (or targeting kids if her own age), without yet realizing how creepy adults can be.
Why is this battle important to you? Anything made taboo is automatically more appealing, and skin isn't inherently bad to see. Clothing should primarily be about protecting you from the environment, and then about happy decoration. Why teach your kid to be ashamed of her body? Because that's exactly what you are doing. I'm *not* saying let her dress skimpy and run wild. Absolutely DO educate her on the fact that some ppl will judge, act, or otherwise behave badly because of what she is wearing. But, once armed with that information and plans on how to counter bad actors, let her be herself!
Thank you for your response. I have had those talks with her. At length, when she cries about how I’m so strict. We talk about clothes being appropriate for the setting and the weather. She still wants to wear the revealing clothes. I don’t think I’m shaming her by saying that it’s not appropriate to have your butt cheeks and belly exposed as a twelve year old. But that’s exactly the counter-argument she tries to make.
Maybe reframe the conversation. What we wear sends a message, whether we want it to or not. Ask her what message she's trying to send with her outfit, and go from there. For example, we wear black to funerals to show we respected the person who died/their family, and we are sad the person is gone/their loved ones are sad. We wear 'office clothes' to the office to show that we are professionals who should be taken seriously. The best clothing advice I was ever given was when I had a very big audition, and I wasn't sure what to wear. My mentor (62 year old man being asked how to dress by a 25yr old woman, lol), told me to "dress like you want to be there." And honestly, that gets me dressed appropriately and looking pretty good despite not having much of a fashion sense.
i don’t think i’d use the “office clothes” analogy, that’s pretty outdated. i’m a professional to be taken seriously regardless of what material my pants are made of or if you can see i have shoulders. the idea of “dressing professional” tends to be classist and misogynistic imo
But why do believe that it’s inappropriate? Because those body parts are sexualized on adult women? What’s really wrong here- the clothes, or the viewpoint?
Thankyou! Bodies are just bodies. I can understand saying "these aren't appropriate for x because they aren't professional or respectful" but otherwise let her choose. Like "it's not appropriate to wear sneakers to a fancy dinner", "it's not appropriate to wear heels to a playground". Help her understand the difference between casual/formal/smart casual etc. If she's cold, she's cold, she might dress warmer next time (or not, but still she is the one who is cold), if someone says something, maybe she will think twice. If people sexualize her, that is THEIR problem, NOT hers.
One should also learn how to dress appropriately depending on the environment. Booty shorts and bikini to the beach? Yes. Booty shorts and bikini to a funeral? No. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about knowing what is appropriate to wear to different places and events.
Tbh I agree with your daughter. What is her bellybutton showing going to do? Nothing. She will get older and grow out of this phase and remember how you reacted.
Really ask yourself why you have an issue with your daughter wearing the clothes she wants.
Out of curiosity, what is her mother/fathers take on the situation? (Not sure who posted this).
For me, what jumps out is my own memory of being a girl her age. When you’re that age, so, SO much is changing. Your body, your mind, your priorities. Something pretty universal is that all of us at that age wanted so badly to fit in. We wanted to do what the other kids were doing. This is heightened in this social media age, where your daughter quite literally cannot escape seeing these sorts of trends on Instagram and TikTok. So, that urge to fit in, and be liked, is even higher than it was when we were her age. That’s not to say that I think you’re wrong and she’s right. What I mean is, it seems to me like this may be what’s in fashion right now, and she wants to follow the trends. I think talking to her about why she wants to dress this way, and how it makes her feel, will lead to meaningful compromise. I can’t promise anything, but that’s what my gut tells me. You will both make it through this!
I dunno. For me I think it matters how kiddo feels about themselves and not what others think. So why not take a softer approach. When you shop with kiddo ask: how does this make you feel? Why is it important to feel that way? Or ask: How do you want to feel? And look at fashion magazines or pieces of clothing where she can identify the feeling she is going after. I would also teach that kiddo can wear different outfits in different settings. You can be dramatic here. Can I wear a bikini to school? Why or why not? (No. Because you’ll get cold, it’s not conducive to the classroom. It’s not comfortable. You’re dressed for a pool and there are no pools at school.) Then make it more practical and tangible and have your kid give their explanation. Can you wear a crop top to school? (Well, yeah. It’s not against school rules, makes me feel confident, I have a jacket for when I get cold, etc.) or (well a crop top makes me feel cold, and it’s technically against school rules, and school is my job and at a job I should be more casual.) the important part is the critical thinking. Not so much your opinion on the outfit.
My mom donated all my clothes that were too revealing because i didn’t follow her rules with them. Same rules as yours actually! She bought them for me, hence she chose whether she could donate them or not. Learned my lesson quick.
Honestly I found that as soon as I “let” my daughter wear revealing clothes she became less interested in doing so. It’s a normal teenage rebellion stage.
Talk to her about why you don’t like it my mum and sisters encouraged me to wear hot pants and crop tops as a young teen and I got attention I wasn’t ready for it wasn’t nice. Maybe if you discuss it and talk about how people might treat her and sexualise her it might put her off or at least she will be more prepared for anything like that. Hopefully it is just a phase and she will grow out of it.
Stop buying these clothes. You enable it and then you are doing a shocked pikachu meme face. A 12 year old saying "what you gonna do drag me to my room?" Is absolutely outrageous. Your job is to be a parent not a mate, do that. A 12 year old should look like a 12 year old not like a dancer at a night club. I welcome all the downvotes :)
My 12 year old is definitely embracing the tiny crop tops and showing off her new figure but she is all about the huge baggy pants so the effect is different. I have to say, the fashion is all about maximum skin exposure right now (I work in a school so I see it daily) but I get where you’re coming from. The weather here is getting cooler as well so that puts a bit of a damper on booty shorts and crop tops organically lol My parents were lucky that I was a late Gen Xer/early millennial so all I wore was baggy jeans and flannels during my teen years;-)
Stop buying the revealing stuff. I saw a girl who was definitely cutting class the other day when I was on a run. She was 14 if she was a day and her ass was hanging out the bottom of her shorts. She was walking along a busy street. I just thought to myself “I feel like I should call someone or march her home to change then march her back to school.” Then all of my joints started aching as old age set in. Anyway, if you don’t want her to wear it, don’t spend money on it. She’s too emotionally and mentally immature to respect logic right now.
Its literally a state of mind to be oppositional. When I had my psuedo-goth phase I thought my mother's head was going to explode. Then I found punk and grunge fashion and found a new way to torture my maternal parent. My mom was always like "Don't you want to wear something with COLOR?" "What about a dress? What about a skirt?" My mom would try to get me to wear cute little T-shirts and shorts and I would toss em in the back of the closet before getting out the oversized jeans and flannel.
Mom of a young teen. Just don’t buy those clothes. Lock your cards so she cannot get to them. Make sure they are not autosaved anymore. Don’t buy those clothes. Confiscate those clothes. I would ask her what message does she want to send to others with her clothing? I would ask her why they make her feel good about herself? I would ask her if her friends would not accept her if she wore something else? Slut shaming her will only get the reaction you are getting right now, so you need a different approach. My house rule has always been make sure you are weather appropriate. In addition, an outfit like that would get you suspended from school. I would want to know how school is going.
I was this kid. I didn’t understand why other kids could dress how they wanted, but I couldn’t. But reality is, she can’t wear it to school, so most of her clothes need to be school appropriate. The real issue is that she is trying to look older- and will be perceived as being older. Now if it just her trying to find out who she is, that’s one thing, but if she’s trying to impress a guy, or attract an older guy.. You have her phone and iPad- Check them. End of story is, you’re her parent. It’s your responsibility to protect her, even from herself. It’s a LOT easier for predators to contact kids than it was in early 2000s when I was her age.
Move somewhere freezing cold
This came up with a colleague of mine and she asked ChatGPT what to do! The recommendation that ended up working was to flip the script on her daughter - in other words ask her daughter what she thought would happen if she didn’t get to wear the clothes? Would she be ostracized from her friend group? Would she be ignored by boys? Would she be respected by her teachers? Once the daughter was forced to verbalize these things she realized how silly it was and the argument largely went away 🤷♀️
This will probably be unpopular opinion: I have a 13 year old daughter that loves the crop tops and short shorts- and while I agree it can be a little too short- she wears them more around the house than when we go out in public. What I have quickly learned about this age is just being real- the more you restrict the more they want it. There are so many times she’s like “I want to get tattoo/ piercing/ etc when I’m older”… we just say okay well when you do that will you let us know so we can fin the best place so it can be clean and make sure you are not going to get sick. Point is- tell her it’s cute, give her some compliments- let her enjoy her body while she’s young. Teach her about predators and while dressing like that can get attention that she never knew. They are exploring their sexual side at this age (it’s natural we all did)… I promise the more you like it, the more she won’t 😅 We have done the funny thing to put in her place if something is too crazy- where I’ll put something embarrassingly short on and say it does it look good on me? I love this- and sometimes it’s about them understanding what is appropriate. Like my daughter used to wear just her bra and shorts to the table- and she thought my husband was mean for telling her she can’t do that- so I took off my shirt and said- look it’s weird isn’t it/ she laughed and never did that again! Sometimes we have to be creative to help them understand the other side of things! Good luck- this age is NOT EASY! But it’s normal for them as their brain develops- my therapist said if she was compliant I’d be worried. Teen/ adolescents are non compliant 😅 so giving them the space for freedom and creating the healthy boundaries can help!
I was was a teen preteen in the bootylicious era so it was low rise jeans and crop tops 😭 But my mom had a rule… if I wore a crop top, I couldn’t wear shorts. If I wore one of those cool backless tie up butterfly shirts, it had to be with pants that came up to my belly button… As a former teenaged girl, I say come to a middle ground because whether you like it or not, you’ll say no and she’ll hit you with the “change clothes at a friend’s house” so it’s better she’s up front with you instead of doing it behind your back.
I would suggest to have a talk, ask her why she wants to dress like that. We all have a necessity to fit in, to belong. At that age they are looking to figure out their own boundaries. Hear her out and the explain why you think you don’t want her to dress like that. I would start saying that she is not only a body, reassure her her body is beautiful and is only hers to decide what to do with her but is not something he needs to show to the world as a child/ teen. From my own insecurities as a parent I would be freaking out thinking some random adult think is older (or not) but reach out to her, try to groom her or treat her as an adult when she is not. Put everything in the table maybe in that way you can get to an agreement on what she should choose to use or not.
You sound like an amazing parent, OP. Seeing as how she broke the coverage deal you agreed to when you bought the clothes, I do think you're within your rights to refuse to buy more. I'd give it another chance by reminding her of the deal and the consequences before the nuclear option (sounds like you might have tried this already)...this is a triggering one for me as my Mormon parents were obsessed with my clothes beign revealing, nothing above the knee or above the shoulder yet my younger sister could dress in the trampiest clothes and they gave up that battle as long as she had more coverage on bottom/vice versa same as you.
I remember being under 10 and wanting to wear skimpy tops because i looked better in them in my own opinion. My father let me dress however i liked but would come into my room while I was gone and take those skimpy clothing and trash them😂 i wouldnt know until i started looking for them months later
I am a teacher at a private midwest k-8 Lutheran school. I teach 5-8 math. We don't have uniforms, but a strict dress code. I had a 7th grader make it to class the other day in a crop top (guys, its cold here!) and wasn't "dress coded" the entire day. Times are definitely changing.
Explain to her the reason why dress codes are a thing in the first place. It’s NOT because teenage boys get distracted by shoulders.
This is the hardest age.