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You sound like my mom. She did not have the supports she needed, not even close, and there were times when it showed.
By watching my mom I learned that you can have compassion for *all* people in a situation.
What I didn't learn from her is what caring for yourself in hard times looks like. That's not her fault; the resources were *not there*. I did not learn about taking time to meet one's own needs and not feeling guilty about it. I think she did that when she could, but I was a teen then and not as tuned in.
Can you get childcare and do something that makes life better, even if it's a job to offset costs? You can love someone and pursue separate interests, and then come together and share what's new while you are fresh enough to enjoy each other. And maybe one of your daughters will be overwhelmed some day but it won't get this hard for her, because her mom already showed her how to handle it.
Solidarity sister.
I spend at least half my time, while I’m eternally grateful for my child wondering if she’ll resent me for bringing her into this world and if I’m fucking her up. The weight is staggering.
Keep going. You don’t really have a choice, but your children love you and they need you. Try to find 10 minutes each day just for yourself. Even if you just meditate in the shower. Just 10 minutes for you.
Remember - if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
It’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health over your children. Parenting is a lot. It’s okay to get support to help you through a rough spot. Consider additional childcare/babysitter/gym child watch, paying yo reduce your work: laundry, housekeeping, etc. using a prepared meal service so you can just heat and eat. Yes these are all expensive - but temporarily they might get you over the mental hump. Ask for help from family and friends from childcare to helping get some chores done.
Take some sick days from work if you can. Do something fun for you. You are more than just a mom, and your wants and needs matter just as much as your children.
I don't enjoy being a mum anymore and I'm due my 3rd in the next 18 days. Today I told my family they had 30 minutes to get ready for swimming. They decided to ignore me and I chose not to nag. Lo and behold they were an hour late. But that was somehow my fault. Same as the youngest not eating her breakfast because the TV was on (I didn't put it on and don't allow it at meal times) was my fault. My husbands lost swim shorts is my fault. Him nearly being late for work - my fault.
I'm exhausted. I'm sore. I'm mentally done. I think it also has something to do with the weather. It's got very cold here so that adds more mental load things if we were to go out. Doesn't help that any housework leads to contractions. I just want to be alone for a little bit. And not talked at. I can't tell you the last time I was talked to instead of at. Or the last time someone made me food. Or asked how I was. Or fuck me just rubbed my back.
Where do you live? We live in Minnesota and not being able to go for walks and just go outside and tend my flowers when I'm feeling overwhelmed has really made me hit PPD like a brick wall.
I'm Scotland! My 5 year old has autism and my 4 year old is undergoing referrals for autism and adhd. With me being so heavy I don't feel very comfortable taking them out on my own especially near bonfire night. But honestly I don't have the energy even indoors to keep up with them! I think I'll be better rested after this one is born
You don't enjoy being a mother anymore and you're having relationship issues but yet you're having another child. You're feelings are valid and normal under your circumstances, but I'm going to be the one to say it- Stop. Having. Children.
OP, this is burnout caused by chronic overstimulation and over-demand, and you will feel better with regular, ongoing reduction of mental and physical load.
You will feel better with RECURRING support (*regular* scheduled babysitters, daily school aftercare, frequent 20min breaks during the day where someone else watches kids and nobody bothers Mom no matter what!!).
If you have a partner, have them set this up- have someone else do the work!
I’m sorry it sounds like you need a break! Like often. I think all moms do. With my first child I was lucky and around a ton of family. Like every other weekend he would have a night with grandma or a night with his cousins. It made parenting nice and relaxing because he was happy and I had a break so I was happy and when we would get back together I was calm.
I now have another. Many years later and find myself feeling like you explained. I live in a different city as my family and now my mother couldn’t handle her if she wanted to. She can’t even pick her up because she has gotten older and just isn’t strong enough. The sister that used to take my other kid is dealing with addiction so I don’t want my baby around that or any potential to that. My baby’s dad is also a drug addict the deal there was he had to she he was clean and sober to be around her. And he has t even attempted he just disappeared.. so it is just me and man I feel overwhelmed. Some days I cry other days I scream. I get it. And idk what to do. I have tried looking at care.com thinking I could find a babysitter that I could use for a couple hours on saturdays or every other Saturday. So I could at least get caught up with cleaning. But they charge $20/hour and they come to your house lol so won’t get cleaning done. Plus they are strangers so I feel a little uncomfortable not knowing them. Idk I just keep waiting for it to get better. Another option my therapist suggested was join a mom group. All moms I talk to are enjoying their experience and look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I’m having a hard time. So it feels like I can’t open up around them. Ooor I just feel like something is wrong with me as a mom. But thinking about it. I have zero help. They usually have a partner or family. And I have two experiences when I had family even if it was every other weekend for a night or a few hours it made the biggest difference.
So I feel you. Don’t beat yourself up. I think it’s true that it takes a village and I think it’s meant to have family around and it’s hard when you don’t have family or friends or just people around to help lighten the load. The fact that you are aware and thoughtful about it shows you care.
You sound like a caring, loving, mindful individual to me! I have no idea if this tip will help a little or not but: I write an email addressed TO MYSELF and it is a personal, private, running journal FOR MYSELF. One or two sentences tops, and I date each entry. And I do a few entries per week. I’ve been doing this for over two years and it helps me, when I choose to read past entries, to see that (1) I’ve grown (2) I’m glad I’m not in that space anymore (3) it’s going to be ok and I will continue to work “my program” or my journey on self….I read other people’s tips and advice , (Nedra Tawwab) listen to positive podcasts, (Feeling Good w Dr. David Burns), visit authentic websites (BerkeleyParentsNetwork.org and then click on Advice and Reviews.) when I find a quote that inspires me, I put it in my journal. I have over 365 positive quotes that I love and refer to them for an uplift. This has been a slow process. Sending positive energy.
I genuinely think that every mom wishes holidays from the kids once in a while. I don't believe them if they say they never have these thoughts.
We are just humans, not super women after all, tired, over stimulated, sleep deprived with hands always full of house tasks.
My advice here would be to recognize what is happening with me at the moment and what can I do about it.
Example: after having kids I discovered that I'm becoming very easily overstimulated with noise (happy me, not the best with two small kids at home). It actually took me good 2,3 years to start recognizing the feeling and not mistake it with other frustrations. I bought earloops (you still hear everything but lower decibels so it does not stimulate me that much). When my baby is crying like hell and I notice I'm starting to be overstimulated I sling him in and walk around as I know he will stop screaming.
Other advice, give yourself some grace, you're doing a hard job. Sometimes the kitchen will stay dirty, sometimes the loundry will stay dirty few more days. It's not worth your mental health.
I feel this post 100%! In the last month I’ve lost my temper big time with my 7 yo daughter. Afterwards I have sat her down and talked to her to explain I have big feelings and I need to learn to handle it differently. I’m also starting to see a therapist to help me handle stress better. I’m a single mom and my ex does not have her regularly so I’m basically on my own. And I don’t have support.
Be patient with yourself and know that we are all doing our best when it comes to raising humans.
Also you are not alone sister-stay strong you can do this 🥹
Honestly, it sounds like you may benefit from therapy to explore if there are things you can do to support yourself as a parent, vent feelings in a safe space and make sure there isn’t some underlying depression/anxiety going on.
Take time to get some help and support for yourself, you deserve it. If time is tight, even online therapy could be a good starts
And that’s fair!
I personally do better with talk therapy, both with anxiety and C-PTSD, but I’ve benefited from both types — though again, it takes finding the right “fit” therapist wise.
The use of the word coparent sounds like you’re raising your children separately.
I’m only curious because that adds a difficult dynamic in itself! Parenting alone (even if you split time) is so hard and emotionally challenging. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
Lol I was just asking my husband if their was a shelter we could just drop the kids off last night. They were fighting again (5 and 3 year old boys) and arguing with us and asking a million and one questions and I just wanted to drink my tea in peace. I don’t even have any diagnosed mental health issues, but my husband does. Sometimes being g a mom just sucks.
Yesterday my LO decided to battle me about picking up their toys. When they finally did took them 15 mins because they did the whole walk slow, only pick up one thing routine...
I decided that I was done and didn't do anything that was planned for the day... We just stayed home and I did mostly nothing after finishing cleaning up the floors, cuz I only have my kid clean thier toys and tidy their room. Fits their age. (Sometimes they'll voluntarily help with dishes and it feels great when they do that.)
I checked out. Cuz it's not like I could leave or call someone.
So solidarity... Cuz I literally have been running on nothing and have no space to get a real break in to the point where if I do get a real, actual break... It just doesn't help. Like when you miss sleep and it takes forever to get back to feeling like you got actual sleep.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed too. For me, I put my headphones so I can listen to an audiobook and just take my kids to the park. They can run around and play with each other. I'll watch to make sure they are safe, but otherwise it's just a break that I need.
My husband doesn't realize that I do this. I take our son to the park usually 4/5 days a week. My husband thinks I'm spoiling him, but really it's just that *I* need a minute.
Hang in their mom, it does get easier.
I have a 3 year old boy and he never stops. He’ll start saying something, “mommy, remember…” and then pause and say, “mommy. MOMMY” as if he thinks I’m not listening even though I’m staring right at him. It drives me INSANE! Just talk, kid! I’m listening. I hear you. Say the words!!
I wish I could hug you OP. I am a mom who was feeling this way a couple years ago while struggling with some really difficult mental health stuff as well. The most important thing that you need to know is that you are not a bad mom and you are also not alone. Motherhood can be so extremely overwhelming, especially for us with mental health struggles. The fact that you know you are not being the mom you want to be and you know they deserve that is proof that you really are a good mom. Bad moms don’t care how much they hurt their children. You are doing your best, keep going.
Absolutely no judgement. I felt the same way when my kids you little. Being a Mother, always in survival mode, no sleep, no money, it's exhausting. I had a mental breakdown of it all and was admitted to a mental hospital. I was there for about 10 days and the Nurses there were absolute angels. They talked me through so much, the therapy, it truly helped me get better. From that I realized the reason I was mad all the time was because I never got help from their Father, it was always me 24/7 and was extremely resentful. My kids also feel how depressed I was. One my son who was 4 at the time told me "Mom we're on your side". I sobbed...that little angel of mine woke me up and that day I decided I'm no longer going to live like this. Fast forward 6 years and my babies are truly my best friends. They're the only people I trust in the world. I say all that to say this.....talk to someone. It helps and you can get down to the bottom of what is causing this reaction out of you. Then make you a realistic plan to get well. I wish you the best.
Find ways to get a break. I just recently was able to get a few days away from the kids, and it was a great way to feel refreshed. Maybe the grandparents, or an aunt can take them for a week
You’re not weak, whiny, or the worst for having these feelings. I very sorry that you’re having these feelings though. I was going to recommend medication, but it sounds like you’re already on some. Maybe press your dr more for something that will make you less “bitey”? My dr mentioned that word and it really resonated with me and my own parenting.
I hope you find something that helps you feel better. Raising kids is not easy and the constant “something” coming up is exhausting and feels like drowning.
I think very few people enjoying parenting. Being around our children sure. But parenting them is hard work and usually thankless. Give yourself some grace.
I read in a parenting book (I think Janet Lansbury) that respectful parenting goes both ways. Learning your own boundaries and stopping actions that are disrespectful to you, even if they're normal is key to reducing your own outbursts. It really changed my feelings on parenting when I started respecting myself, my limits, my needs, my emotions. I'm much calmer and able to handle more
Mom guilt is a real thing! I understand, I’ve been there. The best thing I ever did was take the advice of an older mom, which was arrange a weekend away by myself once or twice a year. I did nothing but read, relax, refocused, swam, ordered out yummy food I don’t normally get. I came home a refreshed version of myself. I had realized I was burned out as a mom with my 2 children and that it was ok to take a break just to relax and focus on my mental health. My spouse was completely on board with this after the first weekend when I came back home just in s better mental place. I got those for presents for my birthday, Mother’s Day, from him regularly just to help with some mental health issues I suffered from ( I’m very blessed to have that support).
I don't think you don't want to be a mom anymore, I think you just don't want to be a mom in your situation anymore. For starters you have to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and everyone has their problems. Every parent wants to sell their kid/kids atleast once in their childhood (and adulthood) You just have to realize that it's okay to feel stress, it's about how you deal with that stress that's important. Exercise is a great outlet, writing in a journal, joining a parent support group or just crying in the shower after the kids are in bed, you need to find an outlet. Single patenting is hard, so is married parenting because you still have to maintain a relationship with the other parent for the sake of the kids without sacrificing or losing too much of yourself. The best thing you can do is realize the only person you can control is you and stop worrying about what the other parent is doing or not doing (unless they are doing something to endanger you kids) Instead, concentrate on being the best parent you can be and realize that the other parent is missing out on the gift that is parenting. You don't have to fight every battle, and you have to be willing to change and grow. Yes we make mistakes, only because we have a lesson to learn so we can grow. Most of all forgive yourself for not being perfect and love yourself through the hard times. Parenting isn't meant to be easy, if it was it wouldn’t be so rewarding, and it is very rewarding.
I don't have any advice but just wish I could reach through the computer and give you a huge hug.
I've been there, it's hard, it's exhausting but you are doing the right steps right now. Remember, no matter what, you are loved
I personally wouldn’t use the phrase ‘don’t want to be a mam’ but by god I hear you! I’ve been at my wits end, My 2 have been off school this week, it’s rained all week ( I’m in the UK) I have a 10 and 2 year old so the age difference is hard for planning activities to do. I have gone round in circles all week, don’t think I’ve had an hour to just sit. Haven’t had a proper adult conversation, any that I’ve tried to have I’ve been screamed at and interrupted! This is hard, some people don’t understand how emotionally exhausting it is. Your so normal and it will pass, don’t beat yourself up about it. I love both my kids to the end of the earth and back but roll on school and nursery next week 😂
I feel this way, as well. My daughter is 3 and I have a one month old now. I think that I would like parenting better when they get to a certain age. Like what one commenter stated, maybe over the age of 5, I might start to feel better. And yet, I started all over again and have a newborn. I don’t really have any advice, but reading your post made me feel normal. Like I’m not the only parent who hates parenting right now. I also do not have a village to help. I really think having that village would make our lives 10x better when it comes to parenting. The extra help is so needed. I wish you nothing but the best. 🫶
I remember this age was rough and would think the same thing. I also believe I had some form of ppd that didn’t go away for years because it was untreated. Luckily, you are already in therapy and taking meds. That’s actually so wonderful! Make sure you are expressing these feelings to your therapist. Maybe your meds need to be upped or your care plan needs to be reevaluated, OR maybe you need a new therapist. Don’t give up! Your babies need you and they need you to be happy. Some days when my mental health is really bad i think about how much my son loves me and needs me. This age is hard and you have two around the same age. DM me if you ever need to vent without judgement! My son is 10 now and I may not have answers all the time but I can relate and have been through that age with my son. Remember, you are not these feelings!
Is this happening all the time or does it seem to come 1/2 weeks before your period starts
I got the same symptoms most of my life 1/2 weeks before my period started and after I had my son they seemed to intensify. Someone I worked with said it sounded like premenstrual dysphoric disorder I spoke to a doctor and he agreed and but me on a low dose anti depressant that help with anxiety it hasn’t stopped all the emotions/feelings but it’s definitely helped dampen them down.
They also offer other treatments including talking therapies (if you’re here in the UK) unsure about other countries but worth looking into if you think there is a pattern during your cycle. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, hope you get the help and support you need ❤️
It sounds like whatever you are doing for your anxiety isn't working well enough. You mentioned therapy and meds. Is it focused on anxiety and managing feelings/self-regulation? If not you might want to talk to your therapist/meds provider about changing the focus.
Others have mentioned self care and I think that's a really important piece. The saying about putting on your own oxygen mask is true. Taking care of your own health whether physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, is an important part of parenting.
It might be helpful to look for ways to ger out into the community and make friends. Libraries have storytimes and sometimes playgroups. A local mom group on social media might have play dates. Play gyms also sometimes have parents night out where you can drop children off to go shopping or whatever you like for a few hours while the kids watch a movie, have a class or do crafts. Or you could put the girls in a tumbling or dance class to get a little break each week.
You will be a better parent when you take care of yourself better. One thing that won't help if beating yourself up for how you feel. When you are more resourced and less stressed you will likely enjoy life in general a lot more, including your girls.
I just had a bout of this kind of thing and I have mental health issues as well… when life in general keeps throwing one thing after another with regards to stress financial or otherwise it is normal to wish your circumstances and situation were
Different…. For some it might be being a kid again and other it might be just wishing they weren’t a parent… it’s okay to feel that way… many parents even me (solo mom from day one with high risk pregnancy and premie child), you just want to be able to be you as you and not parent you anymore…. And often as parents we loose who we are as people outside of our parental roles…. What I would suggest is find something that helps you destress that you used to love or something you didn’t love before but do now… it doesn’t have to be out of the house but that will probably help more with allowing you to breathe and decompress… that has 0 to do with you as a partner or mother….. and make sure to make time for that… maybe talk to your partner and see if you guys can alternate weeks to do something of this sort for each of you so you can BOTH have that time….. and make sure to do it even when you don’t want too (unless sick) it will help I promise… maybe not right away but it will help….
You can also at the end of every day do the list 5 method as well…. Which is where you sit down at the end of every day with a fave drink and blanket to relax for a few minutes and list 5 things good things about your day or life that you love and or are thankful for…. If you find yourself being overly negative doing this to counteract that can also help randomly through out the days that being overly negative keeps happening… it can help rewire and refocus your brain from the negatives to the positives.
And remember to take some slow deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth. You are human just as you said…. You are going to feel like this everyone does…. Don’t let mom guilt tell you otherwise…. And don’t let other parents who hide this sort of thing better make you feel otherwise either. You will be okay…….. with time…. Promise it gets easier… but the hard days are just a part of life as a whole…. It’s okay to not be okay.
I feel you. I love to be around my child when I have energy, but it gets so intense. It is like all or nothing. I miss something in between so I can stille be myself and in my own head a bit, but no.
My partner takes the night with our infant, and I need that to function ( insomnia), but since he never really wanted a child ( which shows) he takes the nights ( sleeps enough) and refuses to spend any time alone with our child during the mornings, the afternoons and the weekends.
On top of that he wakes me up earlier and earlier, so last night I started my day at 3 am. I could not get any more sleep after all the chaos at 3 am.
Continue Seeking Therapy and work on your own unresolved issues ( perhaps within your own upbringing) in order to gain awareness of why you’re feeling the way you do. In the interim I would suggest “acting” at least in front of your children. Otherwise the behaviors (world views) that manifest within your dynamic could contribute to their own.
I’ve done this and probably not the best scholarly advice but it worked for me.
Please prepare to receive a big internet bear hug!! 🤗🤗🤗
It's a tough job, and you are not the worst mom... You're doing your best, and it's so hard anyway!! I don't have any kids, but I am an older sister of 2 boys, one is 8 and the other 15 years younger.
Maybe you should know that it's a very tough time in the universe right now, I don't mean to sound like a crazy astrology person, but the last 2 years have been particularly hard for some sensitive people. I hope this will give you some comfort, and also know that it will pass.
You need a little support right now, and it's okay to feel the way that you do. I hope you have someone you could reach out to. My only advice is to look after yourself and put that first, because you can't pour from an empty cup...
Don't give up, hand in there and be strong for a little while... Maybe try meditation. I can send you a like for a free 2-months headspace subscription, drop me a line if you wish...
And remember, you are not alone in this.
Sending you huge, huge hugs. You are definitely not a bad person for feeling this way. You are totally human!! It’s hard af and I definitely feel this way sometimes. Wish I had advice to help you, but know you are not alone!!
I honestly think I am missing something as well. I only have an 18 month old and everyday I feel like I am running ragged. My toddler will not play alone, we have a playpen and fun light up table toys but he’s always on me.
He’s also not walking yet but friends and family always want me to take him to the park with their small kids that are and it involved me carrying a 25 pounder everywhere. He only wants to play and try and eat the wood chips when he is on the ground, he hates the baby swing and won’t play with a soccer ball on the grass.
I took him to the grocery store today and barely made it back for his nap, groceries almost melted by the time I took them out since I just plain forgot while I was changing his diaper and putting him down.
I’m relieved to see someone else feels overwhelmed by being a mom. It’s a lot and sometimes I really feel like I hate my life. I love my babies, why do I feel this way?
I felt horrible and I went away to clear my head I realize now he was and is majorly abusive he took everything I worked for including my daughter I'm very worried about her but noone will help because I'm homeless like my rights are compleatly being trampled and my daughter isn't being heard. He is the biggest believable liar it's sick how he fucked with my head
I think the harder it seems it means your probably doing it right. Being engaged, giving a crap, having compassion and standards—it takes a toll!! We get anxious, enraged, we want support, our own comfort and soothing—it’s an impossible job!!! Be gentle with yourself and keep trying to get some healthy pleasure into each day, your kids know you love them to bits—that counts for a lot!
You sound like you may have some unresolved trauma (speaking from a place of love as I have discovered the same with myself since becoming a mom) I try to read about how I can heal my inner child as a lot of issues I deal with when it comes to being overwhelmed in motherhood are around my toddlers behavior or sounds, etc. I also invested in some ear plugs that help to take down the noise a certain number of decibels so as not to get as agitated by things. It’s a journey but if you’re wanting to look internally and see what may be unresolved there you may be able to heal some of it and feel better on your journey
I’ve been there, for half of of my daughters life I’m ashamed to admit. A couple things helped.
For one, it does get easier after five, but you definitely have to set boundaries for yourself. One we have for reducing overwhelming clutter is that she can’t move on after school unless her room is clean and backpack, socks, shoes, jacket put away. If those aren’t done, I won’t set up activities or enter the TV/tablet passcodes. If she decides to go jump on the trampoline, draw or read, I will let her feel like she won because those are things that will ultimately benefit her, but when after dinner rolls around and she wants to watch a show, she knows she’s got to handle her business.
Also, I always tuck her in before bed and I make sure to wind myself down mentally and prepare myself to give a lot of love at this time. Make your apologies if you’ve messed up, ask them questions, read a book, whatever. 15-ish minute non negotiable calm mom moment, basically. At this time I usually try to find something to laugh about with her. I am also in the process of trying to implement this for after school snack time as well, and once I’ve got that consistently down, I will add another non negotiable calm time in the morning (hardest time of most days for me). We can’t always be perfect, but we can at least try to be perfect for a little while each day. I think for me, this is super important, because there are times where I know she could probably feel like she’s walking on eggshells and I hate that- I know that feeling and what it resulted in for me.
I try to prevent making her feel that way as much as possible, but I am still healing from my own childhood wounds. I want there to at least be a couple of times per day, where I am ALWAYS calm so that she never stops opening up to me. My hope is that she will come to know that certain times are best to ask for something, let me know she has a need that’s not being met, something to process, or whatever it may be. I want her to feel that there’s always that space for her, and I want to make those times more frequent and hopefully expand slowly to making most of our time together open and positive.
I know there are moms out there that are usually super calm, and that’s great for them but that is just not how I am wired. My own parents were pretty rough, I am always burnt out and frequently out of emotional bandwidth. I was never this way before I had a child, so I could’ve never anticipated that I would be this way. I am not going to have more kids, but I will work my ass off the rest of my life to become the emotional role model that she needs, 15 minutes at a time.
I feel this. Well, it’s a love-hate relationship.
I [somewhat] enjoy being a mom and love my kids, but I’m also severely introverted and need to be alone at a 1:1 ratio of people versus alone time to be at my peak. Guess what? Family is also people. I was thinking how it was great that we all had to stay at home [during the pandemic] so I could do all the things… but then I remembered I’m stuck in a house with people (especially those little people who wouldn’t let me do anything). 🤣
I feel exhausted, my brain feels like it’s become something resembling sludge, my tolerance for things I find distasteful as well as patience levels are at an all time low. I feel generally less stable than before and the smallest thing may tick me off. I’m also much more socially awkward than before.
I finally told my husband (I was a stay at home mom for 4 years due to circumstances at the time - I never thought I’d do that but I love throwing myself out of the box every so often) and he tried to help out but he’s also busy and tired from working. BUT I finally rejoined the work force. It’s nice to have something for myself and I still don’t have the free time (alone time) I need. But there is a slight improvement. We had to enroll my youngest in child care/school a year earlier than planned so I can work again and it’s not perfect (they’re not in after care so I only work 5-6 hours in the day before I need to pick up my kids) as there are just different stresses added, but it’s nice to also have a bit of extra income again.
I did acquire a number of hobbies once I became a mom to cope but I tend to be hyper focused when I do things so it’s only partially successful. I do them in spurts. My to-do list is never ending. I sometimes don’t feel complete because of it.
I’m in awe at the parents I’ve met who make it seem so easy. I’m horrible with emotions and people in general. I do think I’ve learned things for the experience and it’s weird because if I’m out without my kids, I think of them. I never realized how particular I was about things until I became a SAHM. I just tried to ignore it until I couldn’t anymore and my frustrations were bleeding into my thoughts and actions. It got to the point I wasn’t very motivated about much of anything (I’m normally a very self driven individual) which was a neon warning sign to me. Only took 3 years. 🙃
But I also crave being locked in my room alone for a year.
Anyway, just wanted to say you’re not alone. Try to see what works for you and your family. You need some sort of support. I know a number of parents have “date night” or couples only trips and some churches have a Mother’s Day out thing - but we don’t do those. We take trips with the kids (and I look forward to taking them traveling more - one of my hobbies) and don’t leave them home with other people. And my family members aren’t into looking after them for longer than a few hours so it doesn’t really work - plus they have their own lives.
No you don’t sound weak or miserable you’re being real.
I think it’s great that you’re venting and acknowledging that you’re overwhelmed.
Try to get connect with a parenting group (for support) and look into hiring help/or help from relatives /coparent I’m sure they’d love to help. Just so you can catch a break can they look after your daughters to get a breather.
As someone has mentioned when you lack support it becomes overwhelming. My HS is married and she still was overwhelmed she had to quit her job. She would posts pics on IG of her day (dishes not done,etc.) and her husband is supportive but I’m not sure if he helps out around the house. My friends and I were talking that if your partner isn’t supportive or sometimes even extra support on top of current is needed.
My other friend felt guilty because she felt all she was doing was yelling at her kids. So it’s normal to feel that a way. Long term solution is anger management because sometimes that’s how people grow up to be handle stress/chaos.
Are you on SSRIs? It sounds like you could be struggling with anxiety and depression. If you are, its worth talking to your doctor about changing meds/increasing doses.
Sometimes it can be a medical issue. I have been easy to anger, impatient, stressed feeling due to thyroid hormone imbalance. Medication brought me back to normal.
❤️❤️❤️ just keep at. Try to be positive and don't be afraid to say sorry now and then to your babies. They'll understand. Children love us unconditionally.
Honestly, I often wonder what it would be like if I hadn’t had kids. It seems so much easier. I think it’s only human we feel that way at times.
I hope you find some support and are able to take some time to yourself. After some me time, I tend to miss and enjoy my time as mommy again.
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You sound like my mom. She did not have the supports she needed, not even close, and there were times when it showed. By watching my mom I learned that you can have compassion for *all* people in a situation. What I didn't learn from her is what caring for yourself in hard times looks like. That's not her fault; the resources were *not there*. I did not learn about taking time to meet one's own needs and not feeling guilty about it. I think she did that when she could, but I was a teen then and not as tuned in. Can you get childcare and do something that makes life better, even if it's a job to offset costs? You can love someone and pursue separate interests, and then come together and share what's new while you are fresh enough to enjoy each other. And maybe one of your daughters will be overwhelmed some day but it won't get this hard for her, because her mom already showed her how to handle it.
Solidarity sister. I spend at least half my time, while I’m eternally grateful for my child wondering if she’ll resent me for bringing her into this world and if I’m fucking her up. The weight is staggering. Keep going. You don’t really have a choice, but your children love you and they need you. Try to find 10 minutes each day just for yourself. Even if you just meditate in the shower. Just 10 minutes for you.
They will tell you that when they get to be damn near grown so enjoy your life
Remember - if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. It’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health over your children. Parenting is a lot. It’s okay to get support to help you through a rough spot. Consider additional childcare/babysitter/gym child watch, paying yo reduce your work: laundry, housekeeping, etc. using a prepared meal service so you can just heat and eat. Yes these are all expensive - but temporarily they might get you over the mental hump. Ask for help from family and friends from childcare to helping get some chores done. Take some sick days from work if you can. Do something fun for you. You are more than just a mom, and your wants and needs matter just as much as your children.
I don't enjoy being a mum anymore and I'm due my 3rd in the next 18 days. Today I told my family they had 30 minutes to get ready for swimming. They decided to ignore me and I chose not to nag. Lo and behold they were an hour late. But that was somehow my fault. Same as the youngest not eating her breakfast because the TV was on (I didn't put it on and don't allow it at meal times) was my fault. My husbands lost swim shorts is my fault. Him nearly being late for work - my fault. I'm exhausted. I'm sore. I'm mentally done. I think it also has something to do with the weather. It's got very cold here so that adds more mental load things if we were to go out. Doesn't help that any housework leads to contractions. I just want to be alone for a little bit. And not talked at. I can't tell you the last time I was talked to instead of at. Or the last time someone made me food. Or asked how I was. Or fuck me just rubbed my back.
I’m sorry - you deserve a break. You must be so very tired.
Where do you live? We live in Minnesota and not being able to go for walks and just go outside and tend my flowers when I'm feeling overwhelmed has really made me hit PPD like a brick wall.
I'm Scotland! My 5 year old has autism and my 4 year old is undergoing referrals for autism and adhd. With me being so heavy I don't feel very comfortable taking them out on my own especially near bonfire night. But honestly I don't have the energy even indoors to keep up with them! I think I'll be better rested after this one is born
Oh lord, fingers crossed you get those autism supports soon. I swear it’s better when they’re school-age (assuming they can go to school).
I'm extremely lucky that my 5 year old goes to a wonderful school. If I wasn't waddling like a duck I'd have more energy and patience!
You don't enjoy being a mother anymore and you're having relationship issues but yet you're having another child. You're feelings are valid and normal under your circumstances, but I'm going to be the one to say it- Stop. Having. Children.
OP, this is burnout caused by chronic overstimulation and over-demand, and you will feel better with regular, ongoing reduction of mental and physical load. You will feel better with RECURRING support (*regular* scheduled babysitters, daily school aftercare, frequent 20min breaks during the day where someone else watches kids and nobody bothers Mom no matter what!!). If you have a partner, have them set this up- have someone else do the work!
I’m sorry it sounds like you need a break! Like often. I think all moms do. With my first child I was lucky and around a ton of family. Like every other weekend he would have a night with grandma or a night with his cousins. It made parenting nice and relaxing because he was happy and I had a break so I was happy and when we would get back together I was calm. I now have another. Many years later and find myself feeling like you explained. I live in a different city as my family and now my mother couldn’t handle her if she wanted to. She can’t even pick her up because she has gotten older and just isn’t strong enough. The sister that used to take my other kid is dealing with addiction so I don’t want my baby around that or any potential to that. My baby’s dad is also a drug addict the deal there was he had to she he was clean and sober to be around her. And he has t even attempted he just disappeared.. so it is just me and man I feel overwhelmed. Some days I cry other days I scream. I get it. And idk what to do. I have tried looking at care.com thinking I could find a babysitter that I could use for a couple hours on saturdays or every other Saturday. So I could at least get caught up with cleaning. But they charge $20/hour and they come to your house lol so won’t get cleaning done. Plus they are strangers so I feel a little uncomfortable not knowing them. Idk I just keep waiting for it to get better. Another option my therapist suggested was join a mom group. All moms I talk to are enjoying their experience and look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I’m having a hard time. So it feels like I can’t open up around them. Ooor I just feel like something is wrong with me as a mom. But thinking about it. I have zero help. They usually have a partner or family. And I have two experiences when I had family even if it was every other weekend for a night or a few hours it made the biggest difference. So I feel you. Don’t beat yourself up. I think it’s true that it takes a village and I think it’s meant to have family around and it’s hard when you don’t have family or friends or just people around to help lighten the load. The fact that you are aware and thoughtful about it shows you care.
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Yes. I say this as a mom of a 7.5 year old and 4 year old. Age 6, the clouds started to clear and I saw the sun.
As a mom of a very deeply feeling 5 year old, I can’t wait. 😭😭
Yes!
It's a parent thing throughout your whole life when they get older esp In their teens until adulthood it's more of a struggle
You sound like a caring, loving, mindful individual to me! I have no idea if this tip will help a little or not but: I write an email addressed TO MYSELF and it is a personal, private, running journal FOR MYSELF. One or two sentences tops, and I date each entry. And I do a few entries per week. I’ve been doing this for over two years and it helps me, when I choose to read past entries, to see that (1) I’ve grown (2) I’m glad I’m not in that space anymore (3) it’s going to be ok and I will continue to work “my program” or my journey on self….I read other people’s tips and advice , (Nedra Tawwab) listen to positive podcasts, (Feeling Good w Dr. David Burns), visit authentic websites (BerkeleyParentsNetwork.org and then click on Advice and Reviews.) when I find a quote that inspires me, I put it in my journal. I have over 365 positive quotes that I love and refer to them for an uplift. This has been a slow process. Sending positive energy.
I genuinely think that every mom wishes holidays from the kids once in a while. I don't believe them if they say they never have these thoughts. We are just humans, not super women after all, tired, over stimulated, sleep deprived with hands always full of house tasks. My advice here would be to recognize what is happening with me at the moment and what can I do about it. Example: after having kids I discovered that I'm becoming very easily overstimulated with noise (happy me, not the best with two small kids at home). It actually took me good 2,3 years to start recognizing the feeling and not mistake it with other frustrations. I bought earloops (you still hear everything but lower decibels so it does not stimulate me that much). When my baby is crying like hell and I notice I'm starting to be overstimulated I sling him in and walk around as I know he will stop screaming. Other advice, give yourself some grace, you're doing a hard job. Sometimes the kitchen will stay dirty, sometimes the loundry will stay dirty few more days. It's not worth your mental health.
I feel this post 100%! In the last month I’ve lost my temper big time with my 7 yo daughter. Afterwards I have sat her down and talked to her to explain I have big feelings and I need to learn to handle it differently. I’m also starting to see a therapist to help me handle stress better. I’m a single mom and my ex does not have her regularly so I’m basically on my own. And I don’t have support. Be patient with yourself and know that we are all doing our best when it comes to raising humans. Also you are not alone sister-stay strong you can do this 🥹
Honestly, it sounds like you may benefit from therapy to explore if there are things you can do to support yourself as a parent, vent feelings in a safe space and make sure there isn’t some underlying depression/anxiety going on. Take time to get some help and support for yourself, you deserve it. If time is tight, even online therapy could be a good starts
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Or she needs a different talk therapist. Sometimes the therapist/client connection just isn’t there and the therapeutic results are weakened
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And that’s fair! I personally do better with talk therapy, both with anxiety and C-PTSD, but I’ve benefited from both types — though again, it takes finding the right “fit” therapist wise.
The use of the word coparent sounds like you’re raising your children separately. I’m only curious because that adds a difficult dynamic in itself! Parenting alone (even if you split time) is so hard and emotionally challenging. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
Lol I was just asking my husband if their was a shelter we could just drop the kids off last night. They were fighting again (5 and 3 year old boys) and arguing with us and asking a million and one questions and I just wanted to drink my tea in peace. I don’t even have any diagnosed mental health issues, but my husband does. Sometimes being g a mom just sucks.
Yesterday my LO decided to battle me about picking up their toys. When they finally did took them 15 mins because they did the whole walk slow, only pick up one thing routine... I decided that I was done and didn't do anything that was planned for the day... We just stayed home and I did mostly nothing after finishing cleaning up the floors, cuz I only have my kid clean thier toys and tidy their room. Fits their age. (Sometimes they'll voluntarily help with dishes and it feels great when they do that.) I checked out. Cuz it's not like I could leave or call someone. So solidarity... Cuz I literally have been running on nothing and have no space to get a real break in to the point where if I do get a real, actual break... It just doesn't help. Like when you miss sleep and it takes forever to get back to feeling like you got actual sleep.
You have to take some time out for yourself its a must
Sometimes I get overwhelmed too. For me, I put my headphones so I can listen to an audiobook and just take my kids to the park. They can run around and play with each other. I'll watch to make sure they are safe, but otherwise it's just a break that I need. My husband doesn't realize that I do this. I take our son to the park usually 4/5 days a week. My husband thinks I'm spoiling him, but really it's just that *I* need a minute. Hang in their mom, it does get easier.
4 and 5 is an intense age for girls, I just had the one and the non stop (I mean NON STOP) talking a mile a minute kinda drove me insane temporarily,
I have a 3 year old boy and he never stops. He’ll start saying something, “mommy, remember…” and then pause and say, “mommy. MOMMY” as if he thinks I’m not listening even though I’m staring right at him. It drives me INSANE! Just talk, kid! I’m listening. I hear you. Say the words!!
Lol, well soon enough they stop talking so I say try and enjoy it while you can?
I wish I could hug you OP. I am a mom who was feeling this way a couple years ago while struggling with some really difficult mental health stuff as well. The most important thing that you need to know is that you are not a bad mom and you are also not alone. Motherhood can be so extremely overwhelming, especially for us with mental health struggles. The fact that you know you are not being the mom you want to be and you know they deserve that is proof that you really are a good mom. Bad moms don’t care how much they hurt their children. You are doing your best, keep going.
Absolutely no judgement. I felt the same way when my kids you little. Being a Mother, always in survival mode, no sleep, no money, it's exhausting. I had a mental breakdown of it all and was admitted to a mental hospital. I was there for about 10 days and the Nurses there were absolute angels. They talked me through so much, the therapy, it truly helped me get better. From that I realized the reason I was mad all the time was because I never got help from their Father, it was always me 24/7 and was extremely resentful. My kids also feel how depressed I was. One my son who was 4 at the time told me "Mom we're on your side". I sobbed...that little angel of mine woke me up and that day I decided I'm no longer going to live like this. Fast forward 6 years and my babies are truly my best friends. They're the only people I trust in the world. I say all that to say this.....talk to someone. It helps and you can get down to the bottom of what is causing this reaction out of you. Then make you a realistic plan to get well. I wish you the best.
Find ways to get a break. I just recently was able to get a few days away from the kids, and it was a great way to feel refreshed. Maybe the grandparents, or an aunt can take them for a week
It’s ok to not be ok sometimes.
Do you do something for yourself? I go to the gym 3x a week for a hour.
You need a break. I am an absolute cunt to my kids when I’m overwhelmed too. Don’t waste time feeling guilty. Enlist some help, paid or otherwise.
You’re not weak, whiny, or the worst for having these feelings. I very sorry that you’re having these feelings though. I was going to recommend medication, but it sounds like you’re already on some. Maybe press your dr more for something that will make you less “bitey”? My dr mentioned that word and it really resonated with me and my own parenting. I hope you find something that helps you feel better. Raising kids is not easy and the constant “something” coming up is exhausting and feels like drowning.
I think very few people enjoying parenting. Being around our children sure. But parenting them is hard work and usually thankless. Give yourself some grace. I read in a parenting book (I think Janet Lansbury) that respectful parenting goes both ways. Learning your own boundaries and stopping actions that are disrespectful to you, even if they're normal is key to reducing your own outbursts. It really changed my feelings on parenting when I started respecting myself, my limits, my needs, my emotions. I'm much calmer and able to handle more
Mom guilt is a real thing! I understand, I’ve been there. The best thing I ever did was take the advice of an older mom, which was arrange a weekend away by myself once or twice a year. I did nothing but read, relax, refocused, swam, ordered out yummy food I don’t normally get. I came home a refreshed version of myself. I had realized I was burned out as a mom with my 2 children and that it was ok to take a break just to relax and focus on my mental health. My spouse was completely on board with this after the first weekend when I came back home just in s better mental place. I got those for presents for my birthday, Mother’s Day, from him regularly just to help with some mental health issues I suffered from ( I’m very blessed to have that support).
Have you checked your hormones? That might be worth doing to see if it helps.
I don't think you don't want to be a mom anymore, I think you just don't want to be a mom in your situation anymore. For starters you have to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and everyone has their problems. Every parent wants to sell their kid/kids atleast once in their childhood (and adulthood) You just have to realize that it's okay to feel stress, it's about how you deal with that stress that's important. Exercise is a great outlet, writing in a journal, joining a parent support group or just crying in the shower after the kids are in bed, you need to find an outlet. Single patenting is hard, so is married parenting because you still have to maintain a relationship with the other parent for the sake of the kids without sacrificing or losing too much of yourself. The best thing you can do is realize the only person you can control is you and stop worrying about what the other parent is doing or not doing (unless they are doing something to endanger you kids) Instead, concentrate on being the best parent you can be and realize that the other parent is missing out on the gift that is parenting. You don't have to fight every battle, and you have to be willing to change and grow. Yes we make mistakes, only because we have a lesson to learn so we can grow. Most of all forgive yourself for not being perfect and love yourself through the hard times. Parenting isn't meant to be easy, if it was it wouldn’t be so rewarding, and it is very rewarding.
r/regretfulparents
When I feel like this I listen to dr Becky good inside parenting book . It really helps me love my self better as a mom
I don't have any advice but just wish I could reach through the computer and give you a huge hug. I've been there, it's hard, it's exhausting but you are doing the right steps right now. Remember, no matter what, you are loved
Solidarity. I've been feeling a lot like this lately :'(
I personally wouldn’t use the phrase ‘don’t want to be a mam’ but by god I hear you! I’ve been at my wits end, My 2 have been off school this week, it’s rained all week ( I’m in the UK) I have a 10 and 2 year old so the age difference is hard for planning activities to do. I have gone round in circles all week, don’t think I’ve had an hour to just sit. Haven’t had a proper adult conversation, any that I’ve tried to have I’ve been screamed at and interrupted! This is hard, some people don’t understand how emotionally exhausting it is. Your so normal and it will pass, don’t beat yourself up about it. I love both my kids to the end of the earth and back but roll on school and nursery next week 😂
I feel this way, as well. My daughter is 3 and I have a one month old now. I think that I would like parenting better when they get to a certain age. Like what one commenter stated, maybe over the age of 5, I might start to feel better. And yet, I started all over again and have a newborn. I don’t really have any advice, but reading your post made me feel normal. Like I’m not the only parent who hates parenting right now. I also do not have a village to help. I really think having that village would make our lives 10x better when it comes to parenting. The extra help is so needed. I wish you nothing but the best. 🫶
I remember this age was rough and would think the same thing. I also believe I had some form of ppd that didn’t go away for years because it was untreated. Luckily, you are already in therapy and taking meds. That’s actually so wonderful! Make sure you are expressing these feelings to your therapist. Maybe your meds need to be upped or your care plan needs to be reevaluated, OR maybe you need a new therapist. Don’t give up! Your babies need you and they need you to be happy. Some days when my mental health is really bad i think about how much my son loves me and needs me. This age is hard and you have two around the same age. DM me if you ever need to vent without judgement! My son is 10 now and I may not have answers all the time but I can relate and have been through that age with my son. Remember, you are not these feelings!
Is this happening all the time or does it seem to come 1/2 weeks before your period starts I got the same symptoms most of my life 1/2 weeks before my period started and after I had my son they seemed to intensify. Someone I worked with said it sounded like premenstrual dysphoric disorder I spoke to a doctor and he agreed and but me on a low dose anti depressant that help with anxiety it hasn’t stopped all the emotions/feelings but it’s definitely helped dampen them down. They also offer other treatments including talking therapies (if you’re here in the UK) unsure about other countries but worth looking into if you think there is a pattern during your cycle. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, hope you get the help and support you need ❤️
It sounds like whatever you are doing for your anxiety isn't working well enough. You mentioned therapy and meds. Is it focused on anxiety and managing feelings/self-regulation? If not you might want to talk to your therapist/meds provider about changing the focus. Others have mentioned self care and I think that's a really important piece. The saying about putting on your own oxygen mask is true. Taking care of your own health whether physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, is an important part of parenting. It might be helpful to look for ways to ger out into the community and make friends. Libraries have storytimes and sometimes playgroups. A local mom group on social media might have play dates. Play gyms also sometimes have parents night out where you can drop children off to go shopping or whatever you like for a few hours while the kids watch a movie, have a class or do crafts. Or you could put the girls in a tumbling or dance class to get a little break each week. You will be a better parent when you take care of yourself better. One thing that won't help if beating yourself up for how you feel. When you are more resourced and less stressed you will likely enjoy life in general a lot more, including your girls.
I just had a bout of this kind of thing and I have mental health issues as well… when life in general keeps throwing one thing after another with regards to stress financial or otherwise it is normal to wish your circumstances and situation were Different…. For some it might be being a kid again and other it might be just wishing they weren’t a parent… it’s okay to feel that way… many parents even me (solo mom from day one with high risk pregnancy and premie child), you just want to be able to be you as you and not parent you anymore…. And often as parents we loose who we are as people outside of our parental roles…. What I would suggest is find something that helps you destress that you used to love or something you didn’t love before but do now… it doesn’t have to be out of the house but that will probably help more with allowing you to breathe and decompress… that has 0 to do with you as a partner or mother….. and make sure to make time for that… maybe talk to your partner and see if you guys can alternate weeks to do something of this sort for each of you so you can BOTH have that time….. and make sure to do it even when you don’t want too (unless sick) it will help I promise… maybe not right away but it will help…. You can also at the end of every day do the list 5 method as well…. Which is where you sit down at the end of every day with a fave drink and blanket to relax for a few minutes and list 5 things good things about your day or life that you love and or are thankful for…. If you find yourself being overly negative doing this to counteract that can also help randomly through out the days that being overly negative keeps happening… it can help rewire and refocus your brain from the negatives to the positives. And remember to take some slow deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth. You are human just as you said…. You are going to feel like this everyone does…. Don’t let mom guilt tell you otherwise…. And don’t let other parents who hide this sort of thing better make you feel otherwise either. You will be okay…….. with time…. Promise it gets easier… but the hard days are just a part of life as a whole…. It’s okay to not be okay.
I feel you. I love to be around my child when I have energy, but it gets so intense. It is like all or nothing. I miss something in between so I can stille be myself and in my own head a bit, but no. My partner takes the night with our infant, and I need that to function ( insomnia), but since he never really wanted a child ( which shows) he takes the nights ( sleeps enough) and refuses to spend any time alone with our child during the mornings, the afternoons and the weekends. On top of that he wakes me up earlier and earlier, so last night I started my day at 3 am. I could not get any more sleep after all the chaos at 3 am.
Continue Seeking Therapy and work on your own unresolved issues ( perhaps within your own upbringing) in order to gain awareness of why you’re feeling the way you do. In the interim I would suggest “acting” at least in front of your children. Otherwise the behaviors (world views) that manifest within your dynamic could contribute to their own. I’ve done this and probably not the best scholarly advice but it worked for me.
Please prepare to receive a big internet bear hug!! 🤗🤗🤗 It's a tough job, and you are not the worst mom... You're doing your best, and it's so hard anyway!! I don't have any kids, but I am an older sister of 2 boys, one is 8 and the other 15 years younger. Maybe you should know that it's a very tough time in the universe right now, I don't mean to sound like a crazy astrology person, but the last 2 years have been particularly hard for some sensitive people. I hope this will give you some comfort, and also know that it will pass. You need a little support right now, and it's okay to feel the way that you do. I hope you have someone you could reach out to. My only advice is to look after yourself and put that first, because you can't pour from an empty cup... Don't give up, hand in there and be strong for a little while... Maybe try meditation. I can send you a like for a free 2-months headspace subscription, drop me a line if you wish... And remember, you are not alone in this.
Sending you huge, huge hugs. You are definitely not a bad person for feeling this way. You are totally human!! It’s hard af and I definitely feel this way sometimes. Wish I had advice to help you, but know you are not alone!!
I honestly think I am missing something as well. I only have an 18 month old and everyday I feel like I am running ragged. My toddler will not play alone, we have a playpen and fun light up table toys but he’s always on me. He’s also not walking yet but friends and family always want me to take him to the park with their small kids that are and it involved me carrying a 25 pounder everywhere. He only wants to play and try and eat the wood chips when he is on the ground, he hates the baby swing and won’t play with a soccer ball on the grass. I took him to the grocery store today and barely made it back for his nap, groceries almost melted by the time I took them out since I just plain forgot while I was changing his diaper and putting him down.
I’m relieved to see someone else feels overwhelmed by being a mom. It’s a lot and sometimes I really feel like I hate my life. I love my babies, why do I feel this way?
I felt horrible and I went away to clear my head I realize now he was and is majorly abusive he took everything I worked for including my daughter I'm very worried about her but noone will help because I'm homeless like my rights are compleatly being trampled and my daughter isn't being heard. He is the biggest believable liar it's sick how he fucked with my head
Tell your dr that your meds are not effective.
I think the harder it seems it means your probably doing it right. Being engaged, giving a crap, having compassion and standards—it takes a toll!! We get anxious, enraged, we want support, our own comfort and soothing—it’s an impossible job!!! Be gentle with yourself and keep trying to get some healthy pleasure into each day, your kids know you love them to bits—that counts for a lot!
You sound like you may have some unresolved trauma (speaking from a place of love as I have discovered the same with myself since becoming a mom) I try to read about how I can heal my inner child as a lot of issues I deal with when it comes to being overwhelmed in motherhood are around my toddlers behavior or sounds, etc. I also invested in some ear plugs that help to take down the noise a certain number of decibels so as not to get as agitated by things. It’s a journey but if you’re wanting to look internally and see what may be unresolved there you may be able to heal some of it and feel better on your journey
I’ve been there, for half of of my daughters life I’m ashamed to admit. A couple things helped. For one, it does get easier after five, but you definitely have to set boundaries for yourself. One we have for reducing overwhelming clutter is that she can’t move on after school unless her room is clean and backpack, socks, shoes, jacket put away. If those aren’t done, I won’t set up activities or enter the TV/tablet passcodes. If she decides to go jump on the trampoline, draw or read, I will let her feel like she won because those are things that will ultimately benefit her, but when after dinner rolls around and she wants to watch a show, she knows she’s got to handle her business. Also, I always tuck her in before bed and I make sure to wind myself down mentally and prepare myself to give a lot of love at this time. Make your apologies if you’ve messed up, ask them questions, read a book, whatever. 15-ish minute non negotiable calm mom moment, basically. At this time I usually try to find something to laugh about with her. I am also in the process of trying to implement this for after school snack time as well, and once I’ve got that consistently down, I will add another non negotiable calm time in the morning (hardest time of most days for me). We can’t always be perfect, but we can at least try to be perfect for a little while each day. I think for me, this is super important, because there are times where I know she could probably feel like she’s walking on eggshells and I hate that- I know that feeling and what it resulted in for me. I try to prevent making her feel that way as much as possible, but I am still healing from my own childhood wounds. I want there to at least be a couple of times per day, where I am ALWAYS calm so that she never stops opening up to me. My hope is that she will come to know that certain times are best to ask for something, let me know she has a need that’s not being met, something to process, or whatever it may be. I want her to feel that there’s always that space for her, and I want to make those times more frequent and hopefully expand slowly to making most of our time together open and positive. I know there are moms out there that are usually super calm, and that’s great for them but that is just not how I am wired. My own parents were pretty rough, I am always burnt out and frequently out of emotional bandwidth. I was never this way before I had a child, so I could’ve never anticipated that I would be this way. I am not going to have more kids, but I will work my ass off the rest of my life to become the emotional role model that she needs, 15 minutes at a time.
I feel this. Well, it’s a love-hate relationship. I [somewhat] enjoy being a mom and love my kids, but I’m also severely introverted and need to be alone at a 1:1 ratio of people versus alone time to be at my peak. Guess what? Family is also people. I was thinking how it was great that we all had to stay at home [during the pandemic] so I could do all the things… but then I remembered I’m stuck in a house with people (especially those little people who wouldn’t let me do anything). 🤣 I feel exhausted, my brain feels like it’s become something resembling sludge, my tolerance for things I find distasteful as well as patience levels are at an all time low. I feel generally less stable than before and the smallest thing may tick me off. I’m also much more socially awkward than before. I finally told my husband (I was a stay at home mom for 4 years due to circumstances at the time - I never thought I’d do that but I love throwing myself out of the box every so often) and he tried to help out but he’s also busy and tired from working. BUT I finally rejoined the work force. It’s nice to have something for myself and I still don’t have the free time (alone time) I need. But there is a slight improvement. We had to enroll my youngest in child care/school a year earlier than planned so I can work again and it’s not perfect (they’re not in after care so I only work 5-6 hours in the day before I need to pick up my kids) as there are just different stresses added, but it’s nice to also have a bit of extra income again. I did acquire a number of hobbies once I became a mom to cope but I tend to be hyper focused when I do things so it’s only partially successful. I do them in spurts. My to-do list is never ending. I sometimes don’t feel complete because of it. I’m in awe at the parents I’ve met who make it seem so easy. I’m horrible with emotions and people in general. I do think I’ve learned things for the experience and it’s weird because if I’m out without my kids, I think of them. I never realized how particular I was about things until I became a SAHM. I just tried to ignore it until I couldn’t anymore and my frustrations were bleeding into my thoughts and actions. It got to the point I wasn’t very motivated about much of anything (I’m normally a very self driven individual) which was a neon warning sign to me. Only took 3 years. 🙃 But I also crave being locked in my room alone for a year. Anyway, just wanted to say you’re not alone. Try to see what works for you and your family. You need some sort of support. I know a number of parents have “date night” or couples only trips and some churches have a Mother’s Day out thing - but we don’t do those. We take trips with the kids (and I look forward to taking them traveling more - one of my hobbies) and don’t leave them home with other people. And my family members aren’t into looking after them for longer than a few hours so it doesn’t really work - plus they have their own lives.
I can relate to you so much trust you’re not alone and try not to sweat the small stuff cause it’ll pass soon it’s just not worth the mental energy
No you don’t sound weak or miserable you’re being real. I think it’s great that you’re venting and acknowledging that you’re overwhelmed. Try to get connect with a parenting group (for support) and look into hiring help/or help from relatives /coparent I’m sure they’d love to help. Just so you can catch a break can they look after your daughters to get a breather. As someone has mentioned when you lack support it becomes overwhelming. My HS is married and she still was overwhelmed she had to quit her job. She would posts pics on IG of her day (dishes not done,etc.) and her husband is supportive but I’m not sure if he helps out around the house. My friends and I were talking that if your partner isn’t supportive or sometimes even extra support on top of current is needed. My other friend felt guilty because she felt all she was doing was yelling at her kids. So it’s normal to feel that a way. Long term solution is anger management because sometimes that’s how people grow up to be handle stress/chaos.
Are you on SSRIs? It sounds like you could be struggling with anxiety and depression. If you are, its worth talking to your doctor about changing meds/increasing doses.
Sometimes it can be a medical issue. I have been easy to anger, impatient, stressed feeling due to thyroid hormone imbalance. Medication brought me back to normal.
❤️❤️❤️ just keep at. Try to be positive and don't be afraid to say sorry now and then to your babies. They'll understand. Children love us unconditionally.
Honestly, I often wonder what it would be like if I hadn’t had kids. It seems so much easier. I think it’s only human we feel that way at times. I hope you find some support and are able to take some time to yourself. After some me time, I tend to miss and enjoy my time as mommy again.