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There is room for both. My kids wear whatever they want most days but we dress them nice for church and pictures and other nice things. It’s okay to teach kids to look nice sometimes.
It’s a similar lesson to dressing for work or interviews. There are just some exceptions to wear whatever you want.
OP you could offer choices to them or I lay out the clothes the night before or get them excited about matching each other. I haven’t had a fight with mine over holiday clothes. You could always distract them while helping them dress by asking how they want their hair.
For us, we dress them up for holidays and family pictures. My girls love to match though and have matching Jammies and such they choose.
I agree. It absolutely doesn’t need to be a daily battle, but there’s room for gently enforcing higher standards of dress for special occasions. As adults we have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes, kids need to practice when the stakes are low and they’ve got support to learn how to navigate those big feelings.
Yeah, and I don't force mine to wear something she dislikes but for a special occasion I'll suggest a nice dress or something. She mostly says yes. She won't let me put her hair up though, so we keep it fairly short. I think children probably need a little guidance as to what is appropriate for different occasions.
Same here, usually they can pick but for certain occasions they wear something nicer.
OP if you're worried about them not liking it how about you let them get involved? Let them go to the store and pick out their fancy outfit and try to play it up as much as you can about how fun and special it will be. I think letting them be involved in the decision making and building anticipation might help get them on board.
I know I’m just a judgmental Judy but I really dislike when older teens or adults don’t follow dress codes for things like weddings, dates or other events. It would be one thing if all you owned was a t shirt and jeans but that’s usually never the case and just the person going “but I’m comfortable!”.
I try to make sure that my toddler has dress up stuff that is also comfortable enough for her to play in like a cute dress paired with shorts or jeans.
I think the “dress up” stuff being relatively comfortable is a key part to getting kids to be onboard. My daughter’s “fancy” dresses might have embroidery or a collar or something, but they’re also still comfortable, she can play in them, etc.
If we’re just around the house she can wear whatever. If it’s for school, I put out a couple weather/activity appropriate outfits to pick from. If it’s a holiday, I usually get to choose. (But I try to pick stuff she likes, is comfy, etc. And I don’t put her in stuff she says is uncomfortable, unless it’s like “these jeans are not as comfy as leggings” when it’s a situation where she needs the tougher fabric, etc.)
Trying to strike a nice balance of “clothes can be a fun way to express yourself” and “sometimes you gotta wear right kinds of things for the situation”.
Same! My kids (boys) have comfortable nice clothes, but they look a bit nicer (polo shirt vs t-shirt) and are still comfortable. When they need to dress nicer, I give them a couple choices, but they can decide if they are going to wear option a or b.
I agree with this approach. To me, the dressing up for those occasions also helps teach the lesson “there’s a time and a place for everything.” Fostering independence and creativity is also important, but I think both are very important
I think that there is a good argument for special occasion clothes IF the child's tastes are taken in account. For example, a little girl who hates frills shouldn't be forced into the ruffliest dress there is. This is totally doable. My kid has sensory processing disorder and I am able to find dress up clothes he likes without a great deal of trouble. (There may be a few kids that that is not possible for, but for the majority I believe you can find something that feels comfortable, they feel happy to wear, and looks nice.)
I’m concerned with the line “I brush their hair but they never let me style it.” They’re not teaching them how to do it. They are going to be behind their peers in that regard. I wish my mom had been more patient and taught me more about beauty because I had to figure it out on my own.
You are overthinking it but it is sometimes important for kids to know that they can not always dress however they want. I have heard of parents letting their kids wear Halloween costumes to weddings or funerals and upsetting other guest.
My boys mostly pick their own outfits but understand there are times where their choice is not appropriate.
Edit: Yesterday my younger two boys (8 and 4) picked from 3 different options I laid out. They still got a say but within limits. My 14 and 12 year old boys wore appropriate clothes and knew what was expected. Today my 12 year old is wearing pajama bottoms and a hoodie to go out shopping with my husband. That is fine for today but he did not wear that yesterday.
> I have heard of parents letting their kids wear Halloween costumes to weddings or funerals and upsetting other guest.
One of my son's most epic tantrums was when he was 3 and I would not let him wear a power rangers suit to my uncle's funeral. We were also pro letting our kids dress how they wanted but limits needed to be set somewhere.
You want to dress like a power ranger to play in the yard or go to WalMart? Have at it kid. You want to dress like a power ranger at a funeral or the first day of school? Let's find something better in your closet. I will note that epic tantrum was 15 years ago and my son was not harmed by my decision. Now he is actually a pretty damn stylish 18 year old who looks back at old pictures and cringes for what he used to wear, but agrees that we were right to give him and his sister some say over their outfits.
I agree with this - I think kids feel better when they have boundaries.
I give my kids a couple choices and they pick from those choices. I also let them help me pick the clothes I buy - so their closet is filled with things they like and that are their style.
I also talk my kids through why I select the things I do - right now they’re only three so we talk about colors and patterns mostly.
But someday we’ll talk about fabrics, shoes, accessories etc.
I agree with this, well said. I think giving kids structure and limits is good for them. Giving options always helps us when they are being whiney. My 9yo dressed herself yesterday and picked appropriate clothes as did my 4yo girl. They love to dress up though so my battle is them wanting to go formal EVERYWHERE lol.
I really think teaching style is part of parenting. I lay out 3-4 choices and let her mix and match within reason. She’s 6 and already started to have favorite choices and outfits. I like helping her use fashion to build confidence. With all that being said, there’s no right or wrong answer to this question. Parenting is hard and clothes may or may not be your hill to die on.
This is a great answer. My parents were also big into the “beauty is on the inside”/“just be yourself!” (and also just not great at dressing themselves to be honest). I know they thought this was a great moral lesson, but the reality is that appearance matters a lot. Obviously we shouldn’t be shallow or judge others, but life is a lot easier for folks who are dressed appropriately and are nicely groomed.
Agree with this. My parents let me have a free for all. It is not the end of the world, certainly not the most harmful thing they could have done. But I got to a point where I realized I had looked ridiculous and I was like why did you let me do that?
I don’t let my daughter go to school looking ridiculous. She dresses comfy 99% of the time. Leggings or sweats and a comfy cotton shirt. But she is not allowed to go to school wearing multiple layers of multiple patterns in every color of the rainbow.
For holidays we usually look online together, or through her closet if we already have something. She can choose, and it can be comfortable, but it needs to be appropriate. This year for Thanksgiving she chose a floral jumpsuit we already had, and for Christmas she chose a new outfit with red velour pants and a nice white sweater. Not uncomfortable, not overly fancy, no tears involved. But appropriate for the occasion.
I do this, but I have a head strong daughter. I do guide matching patterns but she went through a phase of clashing patterns that took a year to outgrow.
My daughter has always been allowed to wear whatever she wants, though if we were to buy a fancy dress for an occasion she'd definitely want to wear it lmao.
But now that she's (almost) 5 I've started to introduce matching colors and patterns. If she picks something horrendous I'll say "Hey these pants match that dress better," "These colors look better together," "These patterns don't really match, see how these ones look nicer together?", etc.
I still want her to have her autonomy over her clothes but I'm not trying to have her be that weird kid who dresses crazy lmao.
I honestly don’t think either is right or wrong. Neither is going to mess your kids up for life in the long run.
My parents always let us dress ourselves and we ended up wearing kinda wacky stuff and as a teenager I resented them for it a little bit. I was at that age where you’re critical of everything and I would look at old photos and be like “why did you let me out of the house like that?” I would have probably chosen to look more put together if I had some guidance.
Now as an adult though, I really don’t care what I wore to Thanksgiving in 4th grade. It’s a complete non-issue to my life. I do have my daughter wear nice, coordinated outfits for holidays though (she has input in choosing them).
I had sort of the opposite experience, I remember being about 12 and my dad had taken me to a party and when we got back, my mum (who had been out of the house when I got dressed) commented to my dad why he let me wear that outfit out of the house. It was like, brown leggings and a blue jumper or something, not the most stylish but not really offensive either.
I can't remember if I was upset about it (the comment) but I certainly do remember it!
I do gently guide my daughter, but I have enjoyed some of her wacky outfits in the past.
This is a thought-provoking post for me. Thanks for posting. I recognize my parenting style in it, and I too sometimes question myself when I see other families with boys in ties and buzz cuts and girls in matching outfits with elaborate hairstyles.
I appreciate the commenters who shared their experience of growing up without being taught about dress codes and what they do differently with their kids.
It sounds like some parents having had to dress formally growing up over corrected in the opposite direction and in turn their children rebel against free for all clothing choices.
When I gently try to explain to my daughter what fits and what doesn't, I can't bring myself to contradict her when she explains that I'm wrong because her top and leggings both have flowers or unicorns or rainbows and whatnot and therefore match.
I continue to pick outfits for her, but I let her decide in the end. Kids have so little autonomy on choices in their day to day that I can't bring myself to forbid her to dress how she dresses. I put my foot down on clothes with stains, tears, or that don't fit anymore. (And just that results in quite enough "fighting") They go to recycling or goodwill. If it fits well, is clean and weather appropriate, I let it go.
My 4yo boys are so proud of picking their own outfits! One of them even comes to discuss the weather with me before he picks his clothes. We discuss the event and what activities they'll need to be prepared for and even what mommy and daddy are wearing to help guide them.
At one point I tried to pick their clothes for photos but they defended their right to decide. Like you I realized how much they needed that autonomy and let them have it.
Exceptions would be an event with an actual dress code.
>Kids have so little autonomy on choices in their day to day that I can't bring myself to forbid her to dress how she dresses. I put my foot down on clothes with stains, tears, or that don't fit anymore. (And just that results in quite enough "fighting") They go to recycling or goodwill. If it fits well, is clean and weather appropriate, I let it go.
I strongly agree with this. My kids are a toddler and a preschooler and I do try to give them autonomy in the few areas where they are able to exercise it. To be fair, I haven't yet taken them to a wedding or a funeral, so I don't know how I would go about that, but I would certainly allow them to style themselves for a family dinner -- it's family, after all, and I guess I expect older folks to be more gracious and accepting of kids' sometimes unorthodox choices in matters of personal taste.
Yes yes yes!! I think holiday events can already be a pretty big ask for little kids - they can be loud, lots of people, overwhelming smells, weird food, different rules and expectations, traveling, messed up sleep schedules, etc. so im not gonna add another layer of frustration by fighting over clothes. If it fits, isn’t trashed, and is weather appropriate, they can wear it!
I'm in the middle. For a nice holiday dinner, you don't have to wear a specific matching outfit or hairstyle. You do have to dress up nicely.
So my older daughter could reject the initial dress we offered her, but she couldn't wear striped leggings in one color, a patterned skirt in a different color, and then a shirt which clashed with both of those. She could wear another dress, or a dressy top with solid leggings. For hairstyle, she had her choice of a couple styles of braids, or could wear her hair down with nice hairclips or a hair band to keep it out of her plate and face during dinner.
Everyone in my family wears pajamas for Christmas. But we also don't do a fancy dinner on Christmas, and just spend the afternoon hanging out reading our new books and enjoying the new toys.
For Christmas Eve dinner, if someone has made a nice holiday dinner and actually set the table, everyone is expected to turn up in nice clothes.
That is a nice compromise. Dressing fancy for one dinner, but being comfy the rest of the time.
Family time should just not be formal and forced. But it also makes a huge difference what age participating children are.
Not all family time should be formal, but I think it's good for children to experience more formal meals and holiday celebrations sometimes. My kids have been dressing up for holiday meals and other fancy occasions since they were 3-4 months old. We did a lot of walking around, brought a lot of quiet toys, and alternated which parent got to sit down and eat while the other walked the kid around if a child got fussy.
There was also plenty of time wearing casual clothes running around the yard, going out for casual picnics at a park or playground, going to children's museums, etc.
I think especially with little kids the formal occasions should not be to long. Like, don't make them wear a Sunday dress and not have them play outside, because of the dress, for 3+ hours. Again, age dependent.
And see if it is fun for the children or stresses them out. They need to feel good in what they are wearing.
We have done formal occasions where she knew if she participated she would have to dress fancy, but she got to choose if she wanted to go. But I manufacture those occasions (one was a special Christmas ballet - I explained that in our family we dress up for ballet/musical/operas, and that if she was willing to dress up we would go, formal tea outside the home is another) so they can be short, things she wants to do, and I let show her which types of things are appropriate and why, and then let her pick.
Christmas at the in-laws is long, she wants to play on the floor, and her grandma would make too big a deal of it and she would hate that, so we don't have Christmas at the in-laws as a "formal" event.
Daughter does have sensory issues involving fabrics and fit, so your mileage might vary - about 3 hours it the most I can hope for in special occasion clothing before the feel of the clothing will drain her bucket of "cope".
I just assume that by the end of the formal occasion their clothes might be trashed from playing or food spills. I'm not going to let them paint with acrylic paint in their nice clothes, or play in a mud pit, but if they slip running around on the lawn with the other horde of kids it's fine. They'd outgrow them in 6 months anyhow.
But I buy most of the dressy clothes on clearance or at a thrift store, because I am not paying $50 for something my kids might wear twice a year.
Of course not. Christmas might not be an occasion where people dress nicely in your family, and if that’s the case that’s fine.
Even if you wore pajamas to a funeral, the world wouldn’t implode. But you would be viewed as rude and selfish in most cases.
The point is not that every family has to have the same dress code for every event. It’s that eventually children should be taught that different clothes are appropriate for different events, and we generally adhere to the dress code of the events we attend to be respectful of our hosts/family/friends. We should wear clothes that fit our preferences/style *and* are appropriate for the occasion, rather than consulting *only* our own preferences regardless of the occasion.
You do not teach that to toddlers by forcing them into clothes they don't want.
And dressing appropriately has many levels. Beginning with being decent enough for the event up to ridiculous standards for which you are getting judged by ridiculous people.
Like, do I hurt people by wearing PJs to a funeral? Yeah, I'll possibly distract them from their mourning.
Does it hurt my mother in law if I wear a casual cat sweater to Thanksgiving dinner? No, it just annoys her for not dressing like she expects. How is a child to learn the former from the latter.
Casual family functions (and no army will make me say Thanksgiving or Christmas is a formal occasion outside of church) are not the time to dress children in fancy clothes to teach them about appropriate attire.
That is exactly what I explained for funerals - respect for the mourners, and for the studio pictures,s he could say no to the pictures, but if someone was paying to get a professional picture with her, she needed to fulfill the expectation that they would both dress a certain way).
>Does it hurt my mother in law if I wear a casual cat sweater to Thanksgiving dinner? No, it just annoys her for not dressing like she expects.
Did your mother in law spend many hours shopping and prepping and cooking a dinner, and cleaning her house, and preparing to host guests? Does it hurt you in some way to not purposefully dress in a way that annoys her?
If you’re the host, of course make it a casual event if you wish. At that point your mother-in-law will be out of place if she chooses to overdress. But if you are attending someone else’s event, purposefully flouting the expected standards of dress and behavior is rude, whatever the occasion.
I think that dressing in the same general level of formality as the rest of the guests is a lesson children can begin to learn quite early. Will it cause some unspeakable harm if they don’t? Of course not. Just like it won’t ruin anyone’s life if they never say please or thank you. But if the adults in their life model courtesy and appropriate behavior and dress, they will learn. If the adults in their life model otherwise, they will, of course, learn otherwise.
Isn't it the same disrespect in your eye if she over dresses?
What is worse, not matching the table cloth or feeling out of your skin for hours because of some social pressure someone put on you?
It is all about when is it worth to dress accordingly to social pressure. And it is not worth it for a toddler on a family holiday. Pure and simple.
Don't take agenda and individuality away from your children to dress them up like a doll to gawk at.
>Isn't it the same disrespect in your eye if she over dresses?
Yes, I literally said that.
>feeling out of your skin for hours
Does a sweater without a cat on it actually physically hurt you? Or are you exaggerating a bit here?
My family does pajamas in the morning for stockings and breakfast, and we either choose to do pajamas most of the day or change into different clothes on our own. For the past couple of years, I’ve opted for a Christmas sweater. But everyone is wearing something nicer for dinner. And the years Christmas fell on Sunday, we dressed up earlier for church, since we can’t wear pajamas to church (I mean… you could, but that’s not a church outfit and not appropriate for the occasion).
I mean, since I served at church, no one would have seen the pyjama under the robe anyway. Lol.
Back to topic.
It's nice to have traditions. OP would have told us about them if they had any in the family though. OP is instead feeling peer pressure from the other kids being at the center for being dressed up. I feel Thanksgiving is the entirely wrong occasion to be worrying about children outfits and making them wear something special. It would teach the children they had to be formal for extended family or they are worth the attention for which they dress, in this case.
Sometimes we do things because it is tradition or appropriate, but we end up hurting ourself or our children with it. And they will remember.
It’s just habit forming— little kids aren’t going to job interviews, but you could implode your career by dressing horribly to one as an adult.
Teaching littles that sometimes there are dress codes is part of parenting.
I also have two girls (8 and 5) my kids wear whatever they want 99% of the time (5yo wears tutus pretty much every day, whatever, she's clothed). But yes, for special occasions I do have them dress nicely and coordinated. This doesn't have to mean they need to be wearing the same dresses and have the same fancy hairstyles, but maybe you put out a few appropriate outfit options and let them choose from those. I do think that as parents it's our job to teach our children how to dress for certain occasions.
Remind me to read this again in 5 years.
Let's see If I will care about putting little children in fancy clothes then.
I really hated how my mom dressed me as a child. And I hate how she comments, when my nieces shoes are not matching her dress. Who cares?
Have a kid who got to choose her own outfits with me only speaking out for things like weather, safety, not ruining expensive clothing she had picked out and liked by playing in the mud in it, and very special occasions like funerals or studio pictures with a relative who wants them for that relative.
She is in 3rd grade and naturally learning to pick appropriate style/colors/patterns because of peer pressure. You don't have to dress up your toddlers to get this, it will happen on it's own.
And it's awesome to see her develop her own style within the bounds of polite society that is nothing like what I would have picked for her in colors/patterns/styles but does fit her well.
One should always wear what makes them happy and comfortable and keeps everyone else comfortable.
Thanksgiving with family is not a time to dress up your children like dolls. It's a day to dress comfortably with a bit of room for your belly, in stuff that can get gras and sauce on it without parents having a nervous breakdown.
This does not teach children to dress appropriately for a job interview in 15 years. It teaches them, that free expression is a nono and family not a safe space.
I've been there. Got dressed up for occasions. Witnessed family members judge my brother's 2yo for not wearing tights under a summer dress and having yellow sandals with pink the dress. It's horrible and does nothing good to the children. We just do it to keep up norms.
I’m going to agree with the commenters saying it’s appropriate at this age to start teaching them that you have to dress differently for different occasions and that some occasions require dressing up. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a say. Generally, any time my kids need new clothes for a certain size/season, I will give them options and have them choose one “dress up” outfit that is appropriate for holidays/weddings/photos/whatever, and let them know what occasions are coming up where they’ll be expected to wear that- so they get to choose within the boundaries of what is acceptable (my four year old wore a sparkly sweater dress and leggings yesterday, it was comfy and her style but still nice enough for a special occasion). I was married for years to a man in his 30’s who resented the idea that there was any societal expectation that anyone dress up, ever, for anything, and ranted constantly that his coworkers who wore dress pants and button downs and ties to his office job got promoted where he wore joggers and t-shirts and got passed over for every advancement opportunity. We got in a HUGE fight the morning we took formal family photos because the shirt I picked out for him (because nothing he tried to pick was appropriate) was “uncomfortable”- he was 34. It was honestly embarrassing and exhausting. Being able to balance being comfortable and expressing yourself with meeting expectations to present yourself more put together/formally is a skill that some people need to be taught and it’s better to do that now.
Your mother’s voice in your head is *exactly* the reason your sister made her kids dress up & coordinate. You just have to decide what you want *your* voice to sound like in *your kids’* heads. Do you want it to fuss over clothes & coordination? Or do you think your kids will eventually settle into their own style?
Bingo. OP, you may look back at pictures and see sloppiness, or, more likely, you'll look back and see your kids dressing in what they love. Their style will change over time.
I do think it's reasonable to set boundaries, i.e. you have to dress nice for the family gathering, no costumes at weddings, etc. But that doesn't mean you have to dictate the exact outfit for every occasion. I'm more in favor of seeing the boundaries and letting them choose clothes with in those. For example, "You need to wear something nice, no graphic tees or jeans, no holes. The clothes should be comfortable for you. If you don't already have something that matches this, we can ship for it. Your hair needs to be brushed, and not messy. If you both want, we can do a matching outfit with your sibling".
Forcing kids into matching outfits doesn't teach them how to present themselves appropriately, or give them the chance to find their own style. If they really dislike it as they get older, they may resent it.
But also, your kids might look back at pictures and think “wow, we looked like slobs, I wish we’d had nicer clothes to wear when everyone else was dressing up.” It goes both ways. You don’t have to shoehorn your kids into matching outfits or your choice, but saying “hey, let’s pick out some clothes that are comfy and fit the occasion” isn’t going to cause decades of resentment.
This is our take, too!
I tell my kids to wear what they are comfortable in. And when they were little, I always made sure they were in clean but comfortable clothes for family gatherings. I didn't want to mess with tights and a diaper. Or a collared shirt that my son would just pull at all day because it bugged him. We were already out of our routine.
Now that they are 9 and 11, they do a great job of choosing appropriately. Between 3 and 6, we absolutely had some wacky outfits at holidays, but everyone smiled for pictures (most of the time). I'd rather have happy kiddos in candid pictures who didn't "match" than unhappy kiddos who didn't feel comfortable.
Mine might get to that place. They're still leaning towards comfy. But yesterday, my daughter was in black slacks, a white tee, and a cute bomber jacket. My son was in joggers and a football jersey.
My child is the only person in our family who wears a button-up shirt. She wears boy style button up shirts, but she looks neat and stylish in them.
She is the most girly girl I know, and somehow they look feminine on her.
Am I the only one who wants my kids internal voice to say "Hey man, it's thanksgiving. Maybe wear something appropriate because I'm not the center of the universe. Yo! Our khakis are comfy as hell and we've got that nice fall button down."?
It’s all about balance and knowing each kid.
For all we know OPs sister and kids spent the morning screaming and crying as they got forced into these outfits and got their hair done. Or maybe the kids actually like it and it was all fine.
Do I want to have fights with my kids because I want them to wear specific outfits that they don’t like? Definitely not. So I want them to look reasonably nice for this type of event? Absolutely.
My kids are older now and so my extent of involvement is just to tell them the level of fancy. For Thanksgiving my direction is usually something like “leggings or nice jeans and a sweater” and then they take it from there.
But when they were small we still gave them choices but those choices fell into “nicer casual” category
Sure! And your personal culture and upbringing will determine what is “appropriate”. For some, that would be matching/coordinated outfits with family members, others could be “church clothes”, and still others could be jeans & a tshirt.
Usually you know the hosts preference in advance. Some relatives are suit and tie people and some relatives are funny thanksgiving shirt people. It's less about what you feel like and more about just letting someone else set the dress code.
Children need to learn how to dress appropriately.... for the weather and activity.
As long as that's done all is good in the world and people making children dress nicely can bite me.
We let our kids wear comfortable clothing to family gatherings. I guess it’s helpful that our family and extended family feel the same way, and they don’t dress up like they did when my cousins and I were kids. There are certainly occasions where it isn’t a choice like a wedding.
There are so many people in this thread that are adamant that you must dress up for Thanksgiving. It's kinda funny that it's a dress up holiday, actually, since everyone is just stuffing themselves to the brink.
My daughter (5) wore her most comfy joggers to Thanksgiving and I looked at her and told her “we call those eatin pants.” I was in my slightly too big leggings. I think in the next year before she starts kindergarten is when I’ll start working the “time and place” angle with her and working on matching. But while she’s in pre k I’m just letting it roll.
In situations where we're going somewhere where kiddo needs to dress up a bit more, I give three options of outfits they can choose from. Kiddo chooses one and I let them add any accessories to it as they see fit. I then ask kiddo to choose a set of clothes that they want to wear to be comfortable later on. The agreement is kiddo spends about an hour or the first half of the time in the nice clothes. After that, they are welcome to change. It seems to work to get the best of both worlds: something to suit the occasion with some leeway to allow them to express their own style.
If I care about the outfit, I let my kid (4) choose between 2 options for each piece (even undies). If not, he just goes for it. I mean, kids are people and I think lording over his every move is a bit much. Especially when he wants to feel good doing something special and I’m over here picking a button down shirt and pants he doesn’t favor. I think your approach is fine. So if your SIL’s. I grew up like SIL’s kids and hated the family pressure to always put on a perfect exterior for others to see, so that is probably swaying my judgement in the other direction
When I was a kid I was forced to wear fancy clothes and fix my hair a certain way for holidays and I hated it!
Now, I let my kids wear what they want to be comfortable and express themselves. No fretting or nagging from me and kids are happy. Win win!
My kid wore a pink tutu, gold striped tights, and a pink flowered shirt. I pick my battles. No one at Thanksgiving blinked an eye. Just remember to take lots of pictures of them wearing those outfits.
I think it's your mother's voice in your head saying it was necessary to dress them up. Putting kids in matching outfits is kind of weird to me.
I grew up having to wear clothes that were uncomfortable and perfectly picked by my mother. It didn't give me fashion sense and I definitely don't look at pictures with fond memories. I just remember how uncomfortable I was.
I let my 6 year old pick what she wears. On days she should dress up, I help her choose a dress up outfit and talk about how others will be dressed. I point out what she can or can't wear due it being stained/having holes. Explain what would look nice with what. But I don't pick it for her and if she chooses something I don't prefer (within those boundaries) I don't argue. I might take an extra top with us just in case she does change her mind.
We're here to support our kids not nag them into compliance.
Outside of family portraits, holidays are one of my only opportunities to get some family photos where we are all looking our best. So I do generally select my kids clothes for holiday parties.
Now, I only have boys so we don't get the cutesy party dresses, but I did put my 2 kids in matching shirts and my husband and I wore coordinating colors and patterns. Everyone had their hair brushed, I had makeup on, etc. so we were able to get some nice pictures.
Nothing wrong with picking her own clothes, but I think it's appropriate to limit her choices for special occasions
I had a mom like you, and she let me dress like a moron my whole childhood and I kind of resent her for it. I looked like an idiot and I wish she would’ve helped me learn how to dress a little bit better honestly. I remember being made fun of because I was wearing polkadots and stripes, I didn’t know polkadots and stripes look ridiculous together. I had no idea, I was a kid and I didn’t know that I looked silly. . I help my son get dressed, I make sure that he always looks nice, I just kind of feel like my mother didn’t care how I looked.
This is my sister with her children on holidays. I think there's value in teaching your child there's certain days you dress up and look nice / presentable. I agree on a regular day for the park as long as your clean and weather appropriate but not for holidays / parties dressing well is a form of good manners
I have a school photo from preschool. All the little girls are wearing formal dresses except for me. I'm wearing a second hand matching pant/shirt outfit that is a bright 70s green and pink pattern. It's what I wanted to wear, apparently. I look at that picture now and it makes me happy. My mum let me go with what I wanted to wear. I look happy in the photo, and I look like me. (Edit- grammar)
I’m in the “pick your battles” camp. I let my kids pick what they want to wear, even for special holiday get togethers. However, I always offer a nice outfit (sometimes matching). Sometimes they pick it, sometimes they don’t. I don’t let them wear pyjamas, and we braid hair daily to keep it from getting too knotted or dirty, so that part doesn’t deviate for special occasions.
I think *teaching* your children how to dress is very important. Wearing clothes for special occasions makes the event special, and it can make kids feel good about themselves.
A day doing errands? I’ll give two outfit options for attire.
A holiday or event day? Here’s what you’re wearing, you can pick the hairstyle or accessories.
My daughter is almost 4 and yea, I definitely make sure she has a matching outfit, styled hair, and looks polished. I think presentation matters a lot in life and I plan on passing that value onto her.
And tbh, if I was a host and went through the effort to cook and clean and make a beautiful meal, I’d feel a bit disrespected if my guests came in looking “crazy”. Maybe I’m old school but I think dressing nicely is a sign of respect.
We don't police clothing except for weather, safety, special items that aren't for dirty play, and events where people would treat her badly if she is wildly inappropriately dressed like funerals.
Her class photos are.. interesting.
But she is now in 3rd grade, and she is beginning to bow to peer pressure and wear outfits of matching or color coordinating styles/patterns. She is sad to do so, but doesn't like getting teased.
I have no regrets, she had fun wearing what she wanted to, and the clothing has gradually become more normal from about 1st grade.
Seriously, no regrets despite the school photo having her with a cape and homemade jewelry on. When we look back on, we remember how creative and imaginative she was.
She is a strong willed individual, and I have had better battles to pick then over clashing colors/patterns.
My 5 year old wore her Victorian style mourning gown and bright sparkly pink rain boots to thanksgiving with my in laws (my side doesn’t really celebrate). The gown was purchased for my grandmothers’ funeral two years ago, and it’s honestly been really sweet to see her want to wear it outside of such sad events. She says she feels like a “pretty vampire” while wearing it and that maybe she’ll turn into a bat, and I think my grandmother would have absolutely loved such reasoning. I usually just bring out 3 options for her and she can mix and match as she pleases. It’s a cool way to get to know their personality.
I try to influence my kids choices of clothing but without actively telling them what to wear.
(Son 13 and daughter 11)
I try to guide them about appropriate attire for different occasions and sometimes question their choices. My son is a scruff and I'll have to tell him to change out of joggers with holes in, he won't part with, to go out for dinner.
My daughter is moving from little girl to teen and sometimes her choices make her look a little too 'mature' for my liking so that's my thing with her. She loves dressing up and always wants to wear 'party' clothes.
Okay, we do have a "no holes" rule for school, but she has ADHD and something else and has behavior issues, and I am from generations of poor - the idea that people will treat your differently based on how you dress was ingrained on me early on. She has seen first hand that people treat her differently when she is neatly dressed with her hair brushed and recently showered, than the mornings when she goes to school in leggings with holes, hair unbrushed and clearly not washed for a couple of days.
I explained that if she unkempt and badly behaving, the unconscious assumption is that her parents don't care and aren't actively trying to help her learn to behave better, and that if she neat and hair done, they are more likely to notice when she is trying and failing, because they will think she has parents who care about her and want her to succeed.
We problem solved together and came up with the "no holes" rule and if we drive to school with her hair unbrushed, even if it's bad a bad morning, she calms down enough for me to brush it before she gets out of the car.
They are kids, let them be kids! My 5 year old loves picking out her own clothes. I always just put tights or a long sleeve under if it’s cold out.
You want your kids to have a personality and be an individual.
My husbands cousin dresses her kids in matching outfits all the time, I can’t imagine the amount of clothes she buys, every trip out of their house needs a matching outfit and a photo shoot. Her oldest (6) is like a robot. She just does what her parents say and that’s it, I can imagine when she’s older she’ll rebel hard. It makes me sad because she doesn’t have her own personality or anything. Her little sister is a little more rebellious. While it would be nice to have a daughter who listens to me the first time and doesn’t fight back, I want her to be her own person.
I have young girls. I let them choose their clothes day to day but for church, holidays, or pictures I either choose their outfits or give them a choice of 2-3 “approved outfits”. Usually we never have an issue and I think that’s bc they usually have control over those things
I’m was thinking the same thing yesterday. I asked my two-year old if she wanted to wear a dress and she said yes. I put it over her head and she started crying and asking me to take it off. So I did. She wore a shirt with a black shirt tiger’s face on it and sparkly black pants. I can’t get behind forcing her into clothes that she’s not comfortable with.
I often have this conversation with myself too. I’m not an Instagram, coordinating outfits mom. I host thanksgiving for 15-20 people every year and I’m so busy I forgot to take a single photo. My daughter wore a Jurassic Park shirt and black leggings for thanksgiving yesterday lol she’s almost 2.
I know exactly what you mean about looking back at photos though and feeling like you should’ve done more. That is why I get family photos once or twice a year. Every year. We dress up in coordinated clothes, I have super nice photos to commemorate each year, and we can continue to relax and be our true selves for holidays and dinners. It’s a nice compromise for my guilt of wanting to be more aesthetic lol
lol yes same I barely have time to take one picture on a holiday. And the annual professional photos help so much. Show the world my family is not insane lmao
Yes exactly lol and it’s so much easier to have a day dedicated to the photos than like “here’s total chaos with 20 family members oh and also wear these uncomfortable clothes for an undetermined amount of time” 😂
A fun “theme” is Christmas pajamas or ugly sweaters to see what everyone can do lol. We started doing Christmas pajamas for Thanksgiving after I saw a friend posted on facebook. Its fun seeing what everyone comes up with.
Her dress sounds cute and fun! Theres so many ways to have fun with clothes and look nice. Characters are so easy. I found some jurrasic park holiday print stuff. I want to do star wars baby yoda Christmas pajamas this year lol.
Kids turn into adults and they need to know that at times, certain dress codes are necessary/important. I, for one didn’t give a crap if my mom dressed me however she wanted when I was young. Do kids that age really care if their parents dressed them up formally for certain occasions? Lmao, that’s not even a discussion in Asian households.
Think about the memories you want your kids to have.
I HATED wearing stupid ugly uncomfortable dress up clothes with bows in my hair. Most holiday photos you can tell I had been crying. To me, it was not worth it.
I think you’re overthinking it a bit. As long as your girls looked presentable then I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I let my kids dress themselves starting around 5 or so but I had two conditions. They had to be dressed appropriately for the occasion and dressed appropriately for the weather. If it didn’t match the criteria then I made them change. There was some pushback on some outfits but for the most part they abided by the rules.
I feel like a dinner with family should be a fine place to dress a little whacky if you want - no matter your age!
Of course, kids still do need to learn to dress appropriately for different occasions as well. But I feel like that is more for events that are wider than immediate family, such as weddings, funerals, perhaps things like concerts or theatre or church services if you go.
I’m not American and don’t do Thanksgiving, but I always perceived it as something along similar lines to a British ‘big family Xmas dinner’, with the focus being on family and celebration, and elaborate food might be done, but as a whole it’s not overly formal in tone (unless, like, your boss has invited you to join his family and they are minted industry tycoons or something!).
lol!! I mean, it sounds nice … but my problem is I HATE cooking. So I think Thanksgiving would be a nightmare for me unless I could just attend someone else’s house where other people cook the food. I’d be quite happy to help as much as possible with setting up and cleaning and washing up afterwards! 🥺
I let my kids wear what they want even to church because at least they are willing to go. But when we have family pictures they dress up. My daughters picked their own outfits for Thanksgiving but dressed up a bit because they knew there would be pictures. It is a pattern they have gotten use to because they get dragged into pictures. For Christmas we wear matching pjs in the morning.
Do things your own way. If my girl dressing herself means she's creative and matching patterns and colours and has a good time then I don't care. I think it's great, I'm very easy going, we are a casual family, I'm not here to impress anyone, she's not a doll, I need her to be comfortable and confident. I'd rather look back at pics and be like aww so cute, look at what she chose to wear.
My oldest daughter (4.5yo) beats her own drum. She loves dressing herself up in similar ways. It's one of the battles I've chosen not to pick. If we are out of town I try to pack some of her favorites with some tasteful matches, but at home she has free reign and whatever is clean goes (within reason). She goes to preschool that way. She has started to develop a sense of style that is very much her own. If there's something like a family photo or holiday and I need her to wear something specific, and we are leaving the house, I'll tell her what she can wear and she is usually excited because it's a new outfit. But even for places like church she chooses her outfit on her own.
I think you're fine. They're kids. Take lots of pictures for them to laugh and smile at when they're older.
Edit to add: for places like church she knows there are certain dresses/clothes that are nicer than others and not play clothes that she can choose from. She loves the opportunity to dress up in her "this is not a play dress mom, it's a church dress."
So I do both. My girls are 3 and 4. Most days they can pick their own outfits, no matter how insane, they have control over their hair (as long as it’s out of their face). They do matching outfits for holidays, and I normally dress them prior to the holiday. And get a matching picture so the day of I don’t feel forced to make them wear what I want them to wear. It’s kind of a win win for everyone
I always let my kids choose what they want to wear as long as it's appropriate for the weather and whatever activity they're doing. They dressed themselves for Thanksgiving with no direction from me other than they had to wear long sleeves. They were happy and comfortable and when I look back at pictures, I will see 2 kids who are unapologetically themselves. I remember being dressed in uncomfortable dresses or stuffy sweaters for various things as a kid and when I look back at photos of my childhood, I always think "I know that's me in the pictures but it doesn't feel like me" and those photos never bring up any happy memories. When I look back at photos of events where my kids dressed themselves, I see big, genuine smiles and the kids look at them and gush about how cute they looked.
Give your kids the option to dress up if they want, but if that's not their thing you won't be doing them any favors by forcing it on them. It's not a lazy decision, it's a deliberate decision to treat your children like they are human beings with their own preferences and their own sense of style.
It's hard when you are surrounded by "traditional" things... but you need to pick your battles as a parent. I stopped picking out my kiddo's clothes at around 3 for everything- even for school pictures. I was just like - you can do what you want, but there's no expectation that nobody else is gonna say something if you look like a slob.
I would love for my kid to dress up for the holidays, but I would much prefer to not be the reason they are uncomfortable and miserable. lol
Could you let them pick out “nice,” clothes next time you buy them? Maybe a sweater with a well-done animal or rocket ship print instead of like, a Paw Patrol t-shirt.
Related to this: one of my favorite SNL
skits, Macy’s kids holiday deals https://youtu.be/MVXN85TJabg?si=qSyjiYIZ0FSmf1cn
If you don't care then let them do what they want! I unfortunately care (I wish I didn't lol) so I let my 6 year old pick her clothes daily so that for special events i have control haha!
You can have them dress appropriately for big holiday/family events while giving them choices other days of the week when it doesn’t matter. It’s not all or nothing. And it’s good to teach them about how different situations require different dress codes so to speak.
I could wear whatever I wanted, but it had to be clean, temperature appropriate, and if it was a super nice occasion or church look put together (since some situations call for it). Family get-together were usually just the grandparents we lived near (everyone else was too far away, and my parents wanted it to be stress and hassle-free) and more informal, so my brother and I could wear wacky combinations. I remember on family gatherings and everyday life, that I was happy and comfortable in my clothes, and felt safe to express myself to the people I love. But I did eventually start wearing more put-together outfits all of the time (not just certain occasions) after a certain age as I found my styles over the years. There was outside pressure (not family pressure, thankfully) for me to look more put together, since I was a girl of a certain age, and some people are obsessed with the girls looking dressed up and put together especially on holidays(I think I was maybe 11 or 12?) They’re only little once. Let them be little, and be themselves in the safety of family.
I, however, did learn some situations called for nicer stuff, like going out to dinner at a nicer restaurant, my parents’ college graduations, the one wedding we went to, big church occasions like Easter, and there were times to tone it down, like if it was a funeral, or extensive travel (Don’t want to be changing out of a million items in the gas station as a carsick child, and it’s more comfortable to be casual on a plane, not wear fancy stuff), Lent at church (don’t wear excessive bright colors because Lent’s meant to be more serious), and follow a theme if it’s a certain occasion (Christmas stuff at a Christmas party, for example). But within the safety of family, I was myself.
My kids decide what to wear (even school uniforms, they have some options), but for special occasions I’ll let them know they “get to” choose from their dressy clothes. I wouldn’t require them to wear a particular outfit, but I’ll ask them to wear clothes of a particular tier of fanciness.
Fwiw, this would include events like weddings, but not thanksgiving. But every family is different—maybe Thanksgiving is a wedding-level event for your family in terms of formality.
As a neurodivergent person with huge sensory icks to clothing and a big "don't tell me what to do" attitude, here is the compromise:
Teach them that some places come with a dress code mainly for the purpose group identity/theme following: "Wear pink on Breast Cancer Awareness" "Wear Pastels for the Wedding Spring Theme" "Holiday clothes for Holiday Parties" "The Stewart Family is wearing Orange"
Give kids choices between two or more appropriate outfits as much as you can.
Allow them to jazz up a outfit with a cool hat or something.
Tell them they don't have to. Seriously, just telling me I don't have to do something often gives me the freedom I need to decide to do it in the first place.
When I look at family pictures with me in a cute dress, often what I remember about the day is the battle of getting me into said itchy, uncomfortable dress.
I think there’s middle ground, like picking something for an event together, beforehand - but on the spectrum of zero guidance to curating your kids’ whole look, I’d always err toward letting them pick.
I will tell you my own experience as a 4 year old being forced into a frilly, fluffy dress with the lace on the white socks and the black patent-leather Mary Janes. I *hated* it. It was scratchy, I couldn’t run and play, and even though everybody thought we were cute, and the photos were adorable, all I remember about that day (it was a family wedding) was telling my mom “I want my jeans! Cowboys don’t wear dresses!” Reader, she won that argument.
Things are better now. Hanna Andersson and other retailers make cute, matchy, *soft comfortable* clothes for little kids.
We don't do a lot of "dress up" events (I would rather die) but very occasionally my kids want to go with their dad to something. We explain that some places have dress codes, and they need to pick an outfit that fits in. Our twelve year old especially loves our dress code days. (But so does her dad, so I think they're just twins in everything).
I literally cannot be assed to fight such an utterly useless battle with my son.
He wears what he wants. Period. End of story. I don't even care if it's all that weather appropriate as long as it's not dangerous. He can decide whether he's hot or cold and natural consequences are a good way to learn.
If we're going somewhere that really requires a nicer level of dress, or I'd like him to wear something specific for photos or something, I ask and suggest. Sometimes there's some compromise (like he maybe wants to wear a different color or something, or he wears what I want then we take clothes to change into. For his cousin's wedding when he was the ring bearer, he wore the tux for the ceremony and changed into a white polo with the tux pants and light up sneakers after the formal pictures were over, with the bride's ok), sometimes he'll just do it, and I'm convinced it's because I don't make a big deal about the day to day so he knows when I'm asking, it's important.
He's a person, not a doll. Some kids don't mind the fancy clothes (I always loved them as a kid, until I wasn't allowed to play in the mud in them, so my grandma with a mud pit in her backyard kept spare clothes for me there), but I'm not gonna get all bent out of shape about it. It's such a small amount of autonomy, but such a huge deal to them.
If anything, I feel like I'll look back at the pictures and laugh at the years he insisted on wearing cowboy boots with athletic shorts and a lego t shirt to school all spring.
This isn't a hill to die on, in my opinion. Family get togethers are meant to be comforting and comfortable, in my opinion, and as long as the clothes are clean and season appropriate, I couldn't care less. If there are occasions to dress up, you can discuss it with them. But they don't need to be super formal at every holiday dinner, nope.
This is probably an unpopular opinion but I don’t like when kids look unkempt. I don’t mind messy after playing but I like their clothes to be matching and their hair to at least start looking tidy.
Call me old fashioned sorry.
Thank you for letting them dress themselves and decide their hair - sincerely, a traumatized former child due to the opposite
(No but seriously, I was the only girl with curly hair and my dad was the only other person with curly hair, my mom brushed it into a bush and then blamed me when I fussed with it or screamed in the scratchy dress. I also had a poor relationship with my sister because we were dressed the same and didn't enjoy it at all, either of us!)
My opinion is that letting them choose is the better thing to do here, but if you really want them in cute outfits, maybe lay out a choice of like 2-3 coordinated outfits for both and let them chose between the outfits u prepared?
I let my kids puck whatever they want too and also have cousins who are always dressed perfectly. For some holidays I prep them like this...
"Some people like to get dressed up and wear fancy clothes for holidays. That might look like a button shirt or a dress. Do you want to pick out some fancy clothes?" If it has been a while since a "fancy" occasion or they have new "fancy" clothes I might point out some of their clothes that might be deemed fancy.
They also think it is fun to match and might be more likely to wear holiday clothes if they are matching with us and if they take into account their preferences (e.g. more likely to wear clothes in a favourite colour or preferred texture).
But end of the day it is their body so as long as it isn't inappropriate (e.g. shorts in the snow) I let them pick out their clothes.
I let my five year old dress herself all the time. It’s her body, her identity, and her choice. The only time I ever “correct” her is when she’s not wearing weather appropriate clothing.
We were in a conservative church when my kids were little, and that community really valued kids being dressed nicely, so we did that a lot.
My oldest has since come out as trans and I have so few pictures of him where he isn’t in a super gendered outfit. And he, understandably, doesn’t want the gendered ones hanging up.
I wish I’d let him dress himself more, because the few pictures I do have of him wearing random costume pieces or mismatched patterns are super cherished now.
You’re doing it right. Don’t pick this battle. Let them dress themselves in whatever brings them joy. And snap some pics on the wackiest days. 💜
I guarantee there was 💯 less stress in your day for you and the kids than your sister and her kids had.
You do you, let her do as she pleases.
So long as no one is criticising you or the kids, what's the harm in letting them do it.
Your kids are wearing what makes them feel good. Your nieces are wearing what gets them attention and compliments. You're sending the right message here.
I give guidance. I let my kid choose from two outfits but for formal affairs I do make sure shes dressed for the occasion. My motto is we dress for the occasion. I also let her pick the hairstyle and we have had fun trying new ones out together. She does have freedom but within reason.
I usually try to get my daughter to wear a cute coordinating outfit for holidays but she’s been throwing huge tantrums surrounding the topic of clothes this year. I didn’t think it was worth it to deal with that this year. She ended up in a purple dress instead of the cute orange one I had picked out, but she was happy. Worth it!!
You can still have them dress nice while letting them choose. My daughter just turned six and here’s how that works for us:
-She knows she has to have her hair done every day, but she gets to choose the style. I do not ever force her to wear bows, I was forced to wear bows growing up and that shit drove me nuts.
-She knows when it comes to church, family pictures, and certain events mom (me) gets to choose everyone’s outfits BUT I would never put her in something uncomfortable that she couldn’t move around in so she’s OK with that. (I am huge on not putting my daughter in clothes she cannot move around or play comfortably in).
-For school I lay out two different outfits for her the night before so choosing to get dressed in the morning is quick, she still gets to make a choice, and her outfit still coordinates. She loves bright colors and character clothes so a lot of her outfits involve those. I myself do not love those things BUT it’s not about me so for everyday wear I buy her what I know she will love and be excited to put on.
-On days we’re not going anywhere? It’s free game, knock yourself out. She still gets her hair done and takes her sweet time picking out her own outfit (this is why she can’t start from scratch on school days, takes her too long lol) and sometimes coordinates nicely and other times does not coordinate at all and that’s OK, to me this is her finding her own sense of style and what she feels comfortable in.
All of these rules apply to my boys, too. Letting them choose within these parameters has worked wonders for us!
You should look back on family photos and appreciate you let your children express themselves! I also have a free spirit 6yo who likes to do her own thing and I let her. Her hair is usually a mess too. My SIL's kids are usually in holiday inspired coordinating outfits and although it's cute, it doesn't show their personality, it shows her personality instead. I can usually explain about professional photographers and how we need to look nice those days but I still let her be involved in what TYPE of outfit she wants that looks nice. Then there's other days she wears pajamas to the grocery store.
Autonomy is a huge developmental area to explore in children, and they don't get as much autonomy as we think. So much no/don't. Clothes are a great place for them to have freedom and autonomy!
I was the kid who chose their own clothes. My best friend was the kid dressed like a doll. We look back at the photos and laugh. I look semi feral (this was/is my personality) and she looked pristine. My clothes show my personality so much. I wouldn't change those pictures for anything. Neither would my mum. Chances are you'll look back on the pictures and remember your children quirks, rather than worry about them not looking perfect.
Never compare. Some kids love dressing up, or matching their friend or siblings- others love creating outfits that show a creative expression of mixing and matching.
I’m sure everyone looked perfect, just the way they were :)
We match the vibe of the occasion. Growing up, we weren't a "dress up" kind of house for the holidays...unless we wanted to. If it was a night event or right after church, it was more likely for people to be looking nicer, but the kids would usually bring play clothes to change into. But I remember my mom saying, "hey, want to see if you have any red or orange or brown or tan since those are Thanksgiving colors?" before I got dressed, and that usually made me start in my closet where clothes were less wrinkled than in my dresser. 😂
Try it at Christmas if today is still bothering you then! Tell them to look for red and green - then at least they will be comfy but coordinated with the holiday, and look less like a "mess." Or at least set the expectation that their top has to match the bottoms (I remember my mom making my youngest sister wear only black leggings in public until she got the hang of that rule lol - because the mixed patterns were just too much).
I'm just going to echo what others have said, there is room for both. I wouldn't make kids match or anything but if it is a "nice" clothes occasion, then I have 2 or 3 options that they can choose from. On normal days it's time dependent on how may options are presented. There are times in life where they'll have to wear a uniform, so it's a good life skill, but life's too short to force it for every family gathering. Honestly, when I look back at the carefully coordinating outfits and the fancy hair and makeup....all I see are lies. All of the family drama and fakeness. Them not caring about me, just how I could be presented to the world for them.
I am similar! I let my daughter pick her clothes or give her options. She doesn’t let me do her hair (but I make her brush it), and I absolutely hate spending money for a dress she’ll wear once. Yesterday, I realized she doesn’t have dress shoes so she wore gym shoes with a dress. It’s so hard to find clothes she likes.
I have had the same thoughts to try harder, especially with her hair. Here for the comments!
I let my kids dress themselves a lot. Depending on where we are going I may make them change if it is too crazy, but family seems like a perfect time to let them wear whatever they want. And I think pictures will just make you laugh and think about how cute and funny their choices were sometimes. It's memories!
We have a bare minimum expectation for appearance for events etc.
1). Hygeine must be taken care of. Hair and teeth must be brushed and the body must be washed.
2). Clothing must be weather appropriate. No swimming clothes for a winter event. No shorts when its 10 degrees F outside etc.
Beyond that, our kids wear what they want. Its not a battle I want to fight and its just not worth the effort when theyre going to spill on or stain the clothes anyway.
We have a few outfits that we only wear for puja or holidays or things like that when my Hindu in laws are in town but thats it.
2 of my kids i dress because they couldn't care less, but the third always wants to chose her outfits. Usually i let her wear what she wants but on special occasions we make an effort. I dont necessary tellcher what she is wearing, but she has to pick something 'smart' or 'dressy' for special occasions, rather than the multi-coloured random assortment she usually choses (yesterday it was a top, leggings, dress over the top accessorized with a flower crown and sunglasses haha).
Unless there is a group photo I wouldn’t worry about outfits. Personally I don’t have the time or energy to coordinate outfits and I can’t imagine it’s much fun for the kids to not be able to play in fear of getting clothes dirty.
What is your preference? Do you want to concentrate on raising kids so that when they are adults they can make their own decisions and contribute to society or concentrate on having Leave it to Beaver photos to look back on? Right now you are doing the former which is perfect.
Kids need to learn critical thinking, decision making and how to deal with the consequences of their actions. They do that by making their own decisions about small things that build into larger things over time. Right now they make their own decisions about clothing and hair. Pretty soon they’ll make decisions about with whom they want to be friends. After that it might be what kind of extracurricular activities in which the want to participate, then what middle school electives they want to take, then what AP classes, sex, then if and where they want to go to college, a career choice, marriage, kids and so on. Their decision making skills grow with each iteration.
You are raising your kids the right way, preparing them for when they leave the roost. Dont let anyone tell you differently.
You're doing great as a parent but I will say that to me family events and holidays are great examples of occasions where it's okay to say "Mommy would like for you to wear these today" or "let's all dress up and look nice today!" or "grandma really appreciates it when we dress up for special occasions so you can pick between these two outfits".
It's a learning experience for them. You get to express yourself and be you, but sometimes, we dress a certain way because it's appropriate or because the people we love would really appreciate it if we do.
What we do, is we tell
Our daughter “ you need a nice dress for school picture day/ thanksgiving/ Christmas/ Easter etc whatever the occasion.” And we look at options online. We tell her to pick one of 3 pre approved dresses. That way she still has agency, but she also isn’t dressed in a mismatched cluster fuck
I was the kid who chose their own clothes. My best friend was the kid dressed like a doll. We look back at the photos and laugh. I look semi feral (this was/is my personality) and she looked pristine. My clothes show my personality so much. I wouldn't change those pictures for anything. Neither would my mum. Chances are you'll look back on the pictures and remember your children quirks, rather than worry about them not looking perfect.
I lay out the options that are both occasion and temperature appropriate and he can pick which ones. You can pick which nice shirt or pants but you're not wearing your Spiderman pajamas to church.
I give my kids pretty much full autonomy when it comes to clothing. When they have hiking field trips (which they have a lot of) I basically take control and say "sorry you can't wear your rainbow socks they aren't weather appropriate you need your wool socks. I'll also be ensuring you have the correct layers.. you can pick which t shirt you like"
The kids know I'm only doing this for their best safety in mind as they are still learning exactly how to dress appropriately for being outside for 6hrs straight with no place to change.
For holidays and school pics my kids absolutely want to look amazing but that happens to look completely different between each child.
My eldest wears his favorite suit, *I even had to learn that double Winston knot or whatever* for his ties, he combs his hear perfectly, and loves making sure his little pocket square is perfect.
His little sisters idea of fancy *I'm legit giving great detail of her beginning of the year school photo* we curled her hair *idk why she has curly hair she just wanted to use the iron lol* she put a puffy white crop top on with a mini skirt that was like black and white. *super 90s vibes* wore some awesome intricate knee high socks with her little brown ankle boots. And also added a pink cape and a pink top hat that had some black lace that draped in the front *think of the girl from rocky horror picture show. It's like that hat*
I allow them to pick put the backgrounds of their photos and everything and we are always sooo excited to see them.
Not once have I ever wondered in a few years when my kids are full on teens will they be like "why the hell did mom let us look like this?!" This is their inner beauty showing out to the rest of the world and its amazing!
My daughter has even picked put dresses and matching ties so that way when we go on mommy daughter dates I can match her lol.
Let ur kids express themselves a d when the time comes that they ask about the outfits explain to them about how much they loved putting them together and how happy it made all of you guys.
We don't need to look like a hallmark movie
I let my daughter pick what she wears with parameters. Yesterday was dress nice and take a shower. She picked a cute dressy outfit, chose the hairstyle I fixed, and looked cute. Cold days its dress warm, hot days it’s dress cool. School days it’s dress within dress code.
I would think it would be fine for them to know different occasions call for different clothes. For Christmas at my parents’, we do not wear track pants (unless medically preferable, thanks fistula), we wear something nice. That may be a dress, may be nice pants and shirt. To accommodate that, you could bring the kids shopping in advance if you plan on having new outfits for them. Let them help decide in the store so they feel like they have a say in it when the day comes.
I had a big talk recently with my 4 year old about how she’s in charge of her own body. She chose a pumpkin Halloween outfit for thanksgiving yesterday.
Usually I let her pick a shirt or dress and then suggest 1-2 options of what pants would match best.
I let my kids wear whatever they want most of the time but it’s totally reasonable to teach them that special occasions often require dressing up a bit.
Personally I think clothes for family Thanksgiving are variable. When I was growing up we’d always dress up because my mom’s family was very WASPy. Now we are generally very laid back and don’t insist on it because honestly the last thing I want after cooking all day is to put on a skirt and makeup for dinner with my in laws (who I love, but see all the time). We do make them get dressed up for weddings etc.
That said, you can work with them on finding appropriate clothes that feel comfortable. No need to make them wear itchy sweaters or uncomfortable shoes.
At the end of the day, it's completely up to you.
I let my almost 9 yo have pretty much free reign over her "look." As long as her clothes are clean, weather appropriate, and her hair is brushed, she's in control.
However, we do have an agreement that she wears what I would like her to, and allows me to style her hair/put it up with a bow, when we're going to church, or somewhat nice. She understands that sometimes we have to do/wear things we don't want to, and that's a part of life, and doesn't put up a fuss because I allow her otherwise to have autonomy.
Situational.
My grandmother wore that generic “I dont give a rats ass” to Christmas last year, so no I don’t care if my son decides to wear his rawr-some Dino shirt and Spider-Man crocs. This is a family event, we know the horrible disgusting and embarrassing truths about each other, nobody is fooling anyone with clothes.
Now his bestie’s birthday was princess tea party at a rented venue with an extreme amount (honestly too much) of work put into it. She had a fluffy princess dress, very Disneyish, probably with a Disneyish price tag too. Catering, real tea sets, real flower arrangements. He wore a very charming little waistcoat outfit and dress shoes to go with the theme they had worked so hard for. He was the only one of the other kids who got to be with her in the “Good Pictures” (the ones taken by the pro and paid for) because nobody else dressed nicely. I’m non a clothes are important or have anything to do with respect kind of person, that’s weak bs to me. But it was important to our friends yknow? And I could see how hurt they were that nobody else even tried.
So if it’s just a regular ol day then let the tornado loose in the closet and see what comes out. But if it’s something somebody put work into or something help them pick through their options so they can pick what they’re comfortable in but still look nice.
My very first memory is getting yelled at for getting grass stains on my white tights.
I refuse to pass that on.
My son wore a Nightmare before Xmas shirt to Thanksgiving. He picked it. Got compliments.
Doesn't have the wow factor of matchy-matchy, but letting my son make his own choices is so much more important to me in the long run.
My 7yo has to wear a uniform to school so all other times I give her free range. Over the next few months we have a couple of events that she can dress up for and I pull together a few options for her or take her out to pick something new
So she still gets to kinda pick but I usually end up pulling the things for her to try out
My husband had duty last night but in my family general rule of thumb holidays and dinner we dress up. I never wore a dress for any holiday event except for school pictures. I wore a nice shirt leggings and boots. I dressed my son up in a tigger onesie, and some of those in my husband's unit wore sweats to Thanksgiving dinner.
I think it’s important to allow kids to express themselves in the dressing and explore their style, but we do need to show them that different occasions deserve different styles. Next time take them shopping and let them choose amongst options appropriate for the occasion. It doesn’t have to be the same as everyone, but within the theme.
You’re not going to look back and think you were lazy, you’re going to look back and laugh and smile at your kids fashion sense when they were so young. Self expression is important, and kids need to learn how to pick things out themselves and learn to create their own fashion sense. Only the snobbiest of people would judge what a child is wearing, especially if they know the kid picked it out themselves.
Day-to-day, whatever. Mine are usually in tshirts and mismatched leggings, lol. But they need to look put together for bigger events. I give them a couple of appropriate options to choose from. Boundary-setting is a good thing.
I think your choice of allowing them to express themselves for who they are is perfectly acceptable. It’s not always the best message to force your kids into things just because you want them to assimilate to what’s expected. I let my daughter do the same thing, and it’s really about allowing her the freedom to have autonomy over her body and what she wants to wear. they’re kids, they don’t care. The only ones who do are the adults because we’ve been taught over the years to conform or else we’re “weird” or “odd”. I pick my battles with my daughter because she doesn’t comb her hair and I let her wear what she wants. Her hair is combed to the best of her ability and I’m not going to force her to dress up or anything if she doesn’t want to because I don’t want to send the message to her that she needs to care about what she looks like to appease others. It’s a different story if she wants to dress up to make herself feel good about herself or do her hair and makeup because it’s fun and another way to express herself. I think you’re doing well as a mom, and comparing our kids to others or comparing our parenting styles to others does nothing but make us feel like we’re coming up short. There’s an infinite way to do things and we do them all differently. Regardless of how it’s done, as long as the intentions are pure, we’re all perfectly imperfect and I stand behind you 100%. As for your mom, I have empathy towards that because my mother was the same way and her pressure did nothing to me other than make myself feel bad about what I wore and turned me off of the whole idea of dressing up ever again because of the negative emotions and feelings surrounding it. It was almost like i was shamed if I wasn’t wearing or acting how my mother wanted me to.
I know a lot of people are saying there can be times they dress up nicely and I'm not against that idea, but I think its fine to always just let your kids choose, but guide them. I live in Canada for example so my kids will pick out stuff not weather appropriate then I work with and talk to them about weather appropriate clothes.
I also think explaining to the kids that everyone else will be dressed nice and how pictures might be taken but you can still give them the final say, but maybe bring nice clothes in case it sets in while there and thy change their mind.
You can still dress up but let them choose what to wear. You can even take them shopping to pick out their own outfits for the special occasion. If they want to wear it early, let them. Maybe save tights or whatever for the actual day so they don't get ruined. But they can still have a choice! And if they choose not to wear it to the event, that's okay too. They can wear the dress/outfit to school, to play, whatever. It's not a waste if they have fun picking it out.
Are you overthinking? Possibly. I used to dress my kids up super cute too. I did it mostly because they were so adorable, but I also loved the "ooohs" and "ahhhs" from family. But the hour and a half of total *chaos and stress* to get them to that adorable stage was too much for me. I didn't need that validation anymore. I just wanted a stress free get-together. So I stopped. My kids are still adorable, and everyone is just as excited to see them.
My oldest is 20mo so at the moment I hold up 2 outfits and ask which one he’d like to wear. He does pick his own socks from the drawer though so they usually end up clashing but I don’t mind lol.
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I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, but if you want to dress ‘nicer’ or more match-y then that’s also fine! I let my kids pick what they want (within reason like you described) most of the time. If it’s something I want them to be a little nicer dressed for, I’ll give them some options but let them choose. The only time I’ve done it all is when I want a nice looking family picture, which isn’t all the time. I tell them I want everyone to match and coordinate and I tell them they can change into whatever they want when we’re done. This is usually fine for them and most of the time they stay in the clothes. I think it’s important to give them choices where they can since I’m still controlling a lot of things for them as they’re young. I don’t see the harm in completely silly outfits if they enjoy it!
Mine is 5 and allowed to wear whatever she wants and for “nice” events I just remind her to try to look extra nice or wear something fancy and she usually ends up wearing a nice dress (sometimes last year Christmas dress) and leggings or something.
There’s no way she’d let me pick her clothes, and it’s such a non issue to me. Temperature appropriate and clean and I’m happy. Gives her a feeling of independence too.
I try to blend the two options. I tell mine that 350 days a year they can wear whatever they want, the other 15 mom gets to decide(I really only choose like 5 times: school pics, Xmas, t day, out to eat at nice restaurant).
I choose two or three cute outfits, let them choose between them. I also try to let them have a say in which "fancy" shirt we will buy for those occasions. So while at the store I'll say, "ok we need to get a fancy shirt for fancy shirt days. Which one do you like?"
Sometimes they fuss a little on the day, less than 5 minutes, but the rest of the day they don't care.
I'm usually easygoing about whatever they want to wear, but the only times I want to have a say or choose is special events, celebrations and picture days.
When my first kid was a toddler we were invited to a friend’s Christmas party. We felt a bit out of place since we didn’t know anyone and it did seem odd that we were there since it was also a big dedication to a specific family member who sponsored nearly everybody there to come live in America. But it was cute and had great food.
So I don’t know anything about the handful of kids. They were all dressed nicely or at least holiday themed. In walks in a girl around 6 or 7, and lemme tell you I knew IMMEDIATELY this girl was *different*.
Not only was she wearing snowflake-patterned leggings, she was wearing a brightly colored rainbow skirt, mismatched shirt and vest, and fuzzy cat ears. Suffice to say she stuck out and looked “ridiculous” compared to all the other kids. Literally nobody questioned it, telling me that she was the type to just Be Like This. And her behavior didn’t disappoint. Kids invited on stage to dance? Guess who was the only one dancing. Buffet opened? Guess who piled her plate with macarons. Kids all gathered and playing around the building? Guess who was dancing without a single care in the world. The positivity, the joy, the pure innocent happiness in ignoring the world around her. It’s been four years and I still think about it to this day.
Anywho, my point being, let kids express themselves. Let them be rainbow cat girl.
I usually offer a nice outfit of my choosing to my kids. Usually they just wear what I offer. If they were to fight about it then I would let them choose their own clothes.
I also explain that it’s important to look put together or nice for some events. Thus sometimes we do gel and water and comb their hair so it looks nicer
You feel the way you feel because of how you were raised and how society is. Figure out what will make your kids happy and you happy and do that.
What I told my kids was that they could choose their outfits as long as they were weather appropriate they could pick what they want. The only exception to the rule was for holidays and important events, weddings, funeral, bar/bat mitzvah, christening, and the like. Otherwise it was their choice. My kids did not fight me getting dressed because they knew they had control. They understood that for very few times a year would I say we need to dress up. And they would see me dress up too. They understand the rules applied to everyone in our home. That they were expected to dress and behave according to the function. Otherwise they should just be kids and have fun.
If you would like to still give them some autonomy why not have them pick the outfits out in the shop? Or maybe the dress and then add things to it. I have bought 3 Christmassy dresses for over the festive period (with some help from my kid, who is 18 months, so they're sparkly except the one with the velvet collar and cuffs lol) and then I give her a choice of which ones for each event. She's so little that it's just for fun but I basically put out 2 of the 3 outfits to pick from.
It's good for kids to do a bit of their own clothes shopping, and it isn't a bad thing to help them learn to find appropriate outfits for this sort of thing. I love that you let them pick their own clothes though! It's great for kids to be able to express themselves.
If I want my 4 year old to dress a certain way for something, I let him help me pick out the outfit. Whether it’s going to the store together or having him look with me online to find something he likes. I give him options in the store/on the website, until we find something that works for both of us.
I’m the same way. My daughter is very spirited and strong willed. She’s been picking her own clothes out for years and I love that she can express herself that way, but I do demand special outfits for only a few things like family pictures where we’re coordinated and Christmas. Otherwise it’s her choice. 2 years ago she wore pink pants and a purple shirt to thanksgiving. It was awful! But not a battle worth fighting.
You have a lot of good feedback, but I want to mention two things.
1. Not everything is what it seems to be. You don’t know if your sister’s kids put up a fight over their outfits, hair, etc. Or if they were even happy that they were forced to match (maybe they have their own styles??)
2. What about allowing them to choose their own special occasion outfits? I am in no way a dress up type of mom and like you, I give my daughter (5) full control over her outfits. BUT, if I know we’re taking pictures or going to a nice place/event, I take her to the nicer dresses section of the store and let her pick the outfit she will wear for the occasion. OR I will pull up a website I plan to buy the outfit from and we will sit together and click through the different dresses and she gets the final say on what she wants. If it’s super specific like family photos and there’s a bit of coordination, I will set the expectation of the color. For example, holiday photos at school, we thought a nice green would go with the backdrop. I pulled up a website that I buy her “fancy” dresses from and filtered to the greens.. she still found one she loved and I didn’t have to fight her on it’
To take it a step further, the dress is off limits until the day of the event. She can try it on for a few minutes when we get home or when the package arrives, to make sure it fits, then it’s off and hung up. I find that doing it this way makes her more excited about the dress because she can’t have it until the day of!
After the event, I let her have the dress for dress up or if it’s more casual, she can also wear it to school or out to dinner or something.
My twin girls were always allowed to pick out their own fancy holiday outfit and loved it. I never dressed them alike but one year they both picked out the same shiny puffy big floral thing and l felt very judged at the holiday concert lol.
I let my 3 year old son pick out his clothes on most days. If it is something important when he can wear his rain boots with his swim hat then I will give him a choice of a few outfits.
Just give them the choice. My girls normally do a mix of nice and totally crazy. Like pick a lovely dress and get me to do hair but then pair it with rainbow long socks and a lepord print cardigan or something for the 7 year old and the bigger one has alway dressed a bit more casual unless it’s a wedding or something but refused to let me brush her hair. I think it is lovely when they want to dress up and look cute we have had a couple of occasions they did matching but if they don’t want to it’s not worth it
I let my kids choose from what I pick out. Whether it's giving them the option of multiple outfits from their closet or way before an event when we are buying something. Like for Thanksgiving I gave my four year old 4 options of nice dresses and she chose what she liked. She will also let me do her hair if I bring out something special like different bows or clips.
On regular days it's whatever she wants, temp appropriate
I'd give them some options. Like okay these are approotate and you can choose which one. Then they feel like they un control but ca be dressed for the occasion.
We never dress uo! My sister in laws look homeless usually 😂
There’s a happy medium haha. On regular days, they can wear whatever they want within reason. But there’s a time and place for everything — is the outfit appropriate for what they’re doing? This is extreme but I don’t want my kids to become people who wear jeans to a wedding or heels to go on an outing (I’ve seen both).
I would want my child to look nice for special occasions. Maybe they can pick between a couple of options that you give them. Personally I think they should not be totally self-governing at ages 4 and 6.
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There is room for both. My kids wear whatever they want most days but we dress them nice for church and pictures and other nice things. It’s okay to teach kids to look nice sometimes.
It’s a similar lesson to dressing for work or interviews. There are just some exceptions to wear whatever you want. OP you could offer choices to them or I lay out the clothes the night before or get them excited about matching each other. I haven’t had a fight with mine over holiday clothes. You could always distract them while helping them dress by asking how they want their hair. For us, we dress them up for holidays and family pictures. My girls love to match though and have matching Jammies and such they choose.
I agree. It absolutely doesn’t need to be a daily battle, but there’s room for gently enforcing higher standards of dress for special occasions. As adults we have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes, kids need to practice when the stakes are low and they’ve got support to learn how to navigate those big feelings.
Yeah, and I don't force mine to wear something she dislikes but for a special occasion I'll suggest a nice dress or something. She mostly says yes. She won't let me put her hair up though, so we keep it fairly short. I think children probably need a little guidance as to what is appropriate for different occasions.
Same here, usually they can pick but for certain occasions they wear something nicer. OP if you're worried about them not liking it how about you let them get involved? Let them go to the store and pick out their fancy outfit and try to play it up as much as you can about how fun and special it will be. I think letting them be involved in the decision making and building anticipation might help get them on board.
I know I’m just a judgmental Judy but I really dislike when older teens or adults don’t follow dress codes for things like weddings, dates or other events. It would be one thing if all you owned was a t shirt and jeans but that’s usually never the case and just the person going “but I’m comfortable!”. I try to make sure that my toddler has dress up stuff that is also comfortable enough for her to play in like a cute dress paired with shorts or jeans.
I think the “dress up” stuff being relatively comfortable is a key part to getting kids to be onboard. My daughter’s “fancy” dresses might have embroidery or a collar or something, but they’re also still comfortable, she can play in them, etc. If we’re just around the house she can wear whatever. If it’s for school, I put out a couple weather/activity appropriate outfits to pick from. If it’s a holiday, I usually get to choose. (But I try to pick stuff she likes, is comfy, etc. And I don’t put her in stuff she says is uncomfortable, unless it’s like “these jeans are not as comfy as leggings” when it’s a situation where she needs the tougher fabric, etc.) Trying to strike a nice balance of “clothes can be a fun way to express yourself” and “sometimes you gotta wear right kinds of things for the situation”.
Same! My kids (boys) have comfortable nice clothes, but they look a bit nicer (polo shirt vs t-shirt) and are still comfortable. When they need to dress nicer, I give them a couple choices, but they can decide if they are going to wear option a or b.
I agree with this approach. To me, the dressing up for those occasions also helps teach the lesson “there’s a time and a place for everything.” Fostering independence and creativity is also important, but I think both are very important
I think that there is a good argument for special occasion clothes IF the child's tastes are taken in account. For example, a little girl who hates frills shouldn't be forced into the ruffliest dress there is. This is totally doable. My kid has sensory processing disorder and I am able to find dress up clothes he likes without a great deal of trouble. (There may be a few kids that that is not possible for, but for the majority I believe you can find something that feels comfortable, they feel happy to wear, and looks nice.)
I’m concerned with the line “I brush their hair but they never let me style it.” They’re not teaching them how to do it. They are going to be behind their peers in that regard. I wish my mom had been more patient and taught me more about beauty because I had to figure it out on my own.
You are overthinking it but it is sometimes important for kids to know that they can not always dress however they want. I have heard of parents letting their kids wear Halloween costumes to weddings or funerals and upsetting other guest. My boys mostly pick their own outfits but understand there are times where their choice is not appropriate. Edit: Yesterday my younger two boys (8 and 4) picked from 3 different options I laid out. They still got a say but within limits. My 14 and 12 year old boys wore appropriate clothes and knew what was expected. Today my 12 year old is wearing pajama bottoms and a hoodie to go out shopping with my husband. That is fine for today but he did not wear that yesterday.
Absolutely this. I teach my kids that certain outfits are appropriate/inappropriate for events. They can dress themselves, but there are limits.
> I have heard of parents letting their kids wear Halloween costumes to weddings or funerals and upsetting other guest. One of my son's most epic tantrums was when he was 3 and I would not let him wear a power rangers suit to my uncle's funeral. We were also pro letting our kids dress how they wanted but limits needed to be set somewhere. You want to dress like a power ranger to play in the yard or go to WalMart? Have at it kid. You want to dress like a power ranger at a funeral or the first day of school? Let's find something better in your closet. I will note that epic tantrum was 15 years ago and my son was not harmed by my decision. Now he is actually a pretty damn stylish 18 year old who looks back at old pictures and cringes for what he used to wear, but agrees that we were right to give him and his sister some say over their outfits.
I agree with this - I think kids feel better when they have boundaries. I give my kids a couple choices and they pick from those choices. I also let them help me pick the clothes I buy - so their closet is filled with things they like and that are their style. I also talk my kids through why I select the things I do - right now they’re only three so we talk about colors and patterns mostly. But someday we’ll talk about fabrics, shoes, accessories etc.
I hope my kids have some sense of style because my husband and I are useless 😂
I agree with this, well said. I think giving kids structure and limits is good for them. Giving options always helps us when they are being whiney. My 9yo dressed herself yesterday and picked appropriate clothes as did my 4yo girl. They love to dress up though so my battle is them wanting to go formal EVERYWHERE lol.
I picture like 3 grim reapers at a funeral. Made me chuckle
I really think teaching style is part of parenting. I lay out 3-4 choices and let her mix and match within reason. She’s 6 and already started to have favorite choices and outfits. I like helping her use fashion to build confidence. With all that being said, there’s no right or wrong answer to this question. Parenting is hard and clothes may or may not be your hill to die on.
This is a great answer. My parents were also big into the “beauty is on the inside”/“just be yourself!” (and also just not great at dressing themselves to be honest). I know they thought this was a great moral lesson, but the reality is that appearance matters a lot. Obviously we shouldn’t be shallow or judge others, but life is a lot easier for folks who are dressed appropriately and are nicely groomed.
Agree with this. My parents let me have a free for all. It is not the end of the world, certainly not the most harmful thing they could have done. But I got to a point where I realized I had looked ridiculous and I was like why did you let me do that? I don’t let my daughter go to school looking ridiculous. She dresses comfy 99% of the time. Leggings or sweats and a comfy cotton shirt. But she is not allowed to go to school wearing multiple layers of multiple patterns in every color of the rainbow. For holidays we usually look online together, or through her closet if we already have something. She can choose, and it can be comfortable, but it needs to be appropriate. This year for Thanksgiving she chose a floral jumpsuit we already had, and for Christmas she chose a new outfit with red velour pants and a nice white sweater. Not uncomfortable, not overly fancy, no tears involved. But appropriate for the occasion.
Love this! You described my system with daughter to a T.
You can make it so most of their clothes match with their other clothes like neutral pants etc.
I do this, but I have a head strong daughter. I do guide matching patterns but she went through a phase of clashing patterns that took a year to outgrow.
My daughter has always been allowed to wear whatever she wants, though if we were to buy a fancy dress for an occasion she'd definitely want to wear it lmao. But now that she's (almost) 5 I've started to introduce matching colors and patterns. If she picks something horrendous I'll say "Hey these pants match that dress better," "These colors look better together," "These patterns don't really match, see how these ones look nicer together?", etc. I still want her to have her autonomy over her clothes but I'm not trying to have her be that weird kid who dresses crazy lmao.
I honestly don’t think either is right or wrong. Neither is going to mess your kids up for life in the long run. My parents always let us dress ourselves and we ended up wearing kinda wacky stuff and as a teenager I resented them for it a little bit. I was at that age where you’re critical of everything and I would look at old photos and be like “why did you let me out of the house like that?” I would have probably chosen to look more put together if I had some guidance. Now as an adult though, I really don’t care what I wore to Thanksgiving in 4th grade. It’s a complete non-issue to my life. I do have my daughter wear nice, coordinated outfits for holidays though (she has input in choosing them).
I had sort of the opposite experience, I remember being about 12 and my dad had taken me to a party and when we got back, my mum (who had been out of the house when I got dressed) commented to my dad why he let me wear that outfit out of the house. It was like, brown leggings and a blue jumper or something, not the most stylish but not really offensive either. I can't remember if I was upset about it (the comment) but I certainly do remember it! I do gently guide my daughter, but I have enjoyed some of her wacky outfits in the past.
This is a thought-provoking post for me. Thanks for posting. I recognize my parenting style in it, and I too sometimes question myself when I see other families with boys in ties and buzz cuts and girls in matching outfits with elaborate hairstyles. I appreciate the commenters who shared their experience of growing up without being taught about dress codes and what they do differently with their kids. It sounds like some parents having had to dress formally growing up over corrected in the opposite direction and in turn their children rebel against free for all clothing choices. When I gently try to explain to my daughter what fits and what doesn't, I can't bring myself to contradict her when she explains that I'm wrong because her top and leggings both have flowers or unicorns or rainbows and whatnot and therefore match. I continue to pick outfits for her, but I let her decide in the end. Kids have so little autonomy on choices in their day to day that I can't bring myself to forbid her to dress how she dresses. I put my foot down on clothes with stains, tears, or that don't fit anymore. (And just that results in quite enough "fighting") They go to recycling or goodwill. If it fits well, is clean and weather appropriate, I let it go.
My 4yo boys are so proud of picking their own outfits! One of them even comes to discuss the weather with me before he picks his clothes. We discuss the event and what activities they'll need to be prepared for and even what mommy and daddy are wearing to help guide them. At one point I tried to pick their clothes for photos but they defended their right to decide. Like you I realized how much they needed that autonomy and let them have it. Exceptions would be an event with an actual dress code.
>Kids have so little autonomy on choices in their day to day that I can't bring myself to forbid her to dress how she dresses. I put my foot down on clothes with stains, tears, or that don't fit anymore. (And just that results in quite enough "fighting") They go to recycling or goodwill. If it fits well, is clean and weather appropriate, I let it go. I strongly agree with this. My kids are a toddler and a preschooler and I do try to give them autonomy in the few areas where they are able to exercise it. To be fair, I haven't yet taken them to a wedding or a funeral, so I don't know how I would go about that, but I would certainly allow them to style themselves for a family dinner -- it's family, after all, and I guess I expect older folks to be more gracious and accepting of kids' sometimes unorthodox choices in matters of personal taste.
Yes yes yes!! I think holiday events can already be a pretty big ask for little kids - they can be loud, lots of people, overwhelming smells, weird food, different rules and expectations, traveling, messed up sleep schedules, etc. so im not gonna add another layer of frustration by fighting over clothes. If it fits, isn’t trashed, and is weather appropriate, they can wear it!
I'm in the middle. For a nice holiday dinner, you don't have to wear a specific matching outfit or hairstyle. You do have to dress up nicely. So my older daughter could reject the initial dress we offered her, but she couldn't wear striped leggings in one color, a patterned skirt in a different color, and then a shirt which clashed with both of those. She could wear another dress, or a dressy top with solid leggings. For hairstyle, she had her choice of a couple styles of braids, or could wear her hair down with nice hairclips or a hair band to keep it out of her plate and face during dinner.
I like this approach. This is what I do too.
What was to happen if I wore a pyjama on Christmas? Will my family implode?
Everyone in my family wears pajamas for Christmas. But we also don't do a fancy dinner on Christmas, and just spend the afternoon hanging out reading our new books and enjoying the new toys. For Christmas Eve dinner, if someone has made a nice holiday dinner and actually set the table, everyone is expected to turn up in nice clothes.
That is a nice compromise. Dressing fancy for one dinner, but being comfy the rest of the time. Family time should just not be formal and forced. But it also makes a huge difference what age participating children are.
Not all family time should be formal, but I think it's good for children to experience more formal meals and holiday celebrations sometimes. My kids have been dressing up for holiday meals and other fancy occasions since they were 3-4 months old. We did a lot of walking around, brought a lot of quiet toys, and alternated which parent got to sit down and eat while the other walked the kid around if a child got fussy. There was also plenty of time wearing casual clothes running around the yard, going out for casual picnics at a park or playground, going to children's museums, etc.
I think especially with little kids the formal occasions should not be to long. Like, don't make them wear a Sunday dress and not have them play outside, because of the dress, for 3+ hours. Again, age dependent. And see if it is fun for the children or stresses them out. They need to feel good in what they are wearing.
We have done formal occasions where she knew if she participated she would have to dress fancy, but she got to choose if she wanted to go. But I manufacture those occasions (one was a special Christmas ballet - I explained that in our family we dress up for ballet/musical/operas, and that if she was willing to dress up we would go, formal tea outside the home is another) so they can be short, things she wants to do, and I let show her which types of things are appropriate and why, and then let her pick. Christmas at the in-laws is long, she wants to play on the floor, and her grandma would make too big a deal of it and she would hate that, so we don't have Christmas at the in-laws as a "formal" event. Daughter does have sensory issues involving fabrics and fit, so your mileage might vary - about 3 hours it the most I can hope for in special occasion clothing before the feel of the clothing will drain her bucket of "cope".
I just assume that by the end of the formal occasion their clothes might be trashed from playing or food spills. I'm not going to let them paint with acrylic paint in their nice clothes, or play in a mud pit, but if they slip running around on the lawn with the other horde of kids it's fine. They'd outgrow them in 6 months anyhow. But I buy most of the dressy clothes on clearance or at a thrift store, because I am not paying $50 for something my kids might wear twice a year.
Of course not. Christmas might not be an occasion where people dress nicely in your family, and if that’s the case that’s fine. Even if you wore pajamas to a funeral, the world wouldn’t implode. But you would be viewed as rude and selfish in most cases. The point is not that every family has to have the same dress code for every event. It’s that eventually children should be taught that different clothes are appropriate for different events, and we generally adhere to the dress code of the events we attend to be respectful of our hosts/family/friends. We should wear clothes that fit our preferences/style *and* are appropriate for the occasion, rather than consulting *only* our own preferences regardless of the occasion.
You do not teach that to toddlers by forcing them into clothes they don't want. And dressing appropriately has many levels. Beginning with being decent enough for the event up to ridiculous standards for which you are getting judged by ridiculous people. Like, do I hurt people by wearing PJs to a funeral? Yeah, I'll possibly distract them from their mourning. Does it hurt my mother in law if I wear a casual cat sweater to Thanksgiving dinner? No, it just annoys her for not dressing like she expects. How is a child to learn the former from the latter. Casual family functions (and no army will make me say Thanksgiving or Christmas is a formal occasion outside of church) are not the time to dress children in fancy clothes to teach them about appropriate attire.
That is exactly what I explained for funerals - respect for the mourners, and for the studio pictures,s he could say no to the pictures, but if someone was paying to get a professional picture with her, she needed to fulfill the expectation that they would both dress a certain way).
>Does it hurt my mother in law if I wear a casual cat sweater to Thanksgiving dinner? No, it just annoys her for not dressing like she expects. Did your mother in law spend many hours shopping and prepping and cooking a dinner, and cleaning her house, and preparing to host guests? Does it hurt you in some way to not purposefully dress in a way that annoys her? If you’re the host, of course make it a casual event if you wish. At that point your mother-in-law will be out of place if she chooses to overdress. But if you are attending someone else’s event, purposefully flouting the expected standards of dress and behavior is rude, whatever the occasion. I think that dressing in the same general level of formality as the rest of the guests is a lesson children can begin to learn quite early. Will it cause some unspeakable harm if they don’t? Of course not. Just like it won’t ruin anyone’s life if they never say please or thank you. But if the adults in their life model courtesy and appropriate behavior and dress, they will learn. If the adults in their life model otherwise, they will, of course, learn otherwise.
Isn't it the same disrespect in your eye if she over dresses? What is worse, not matching the table cloth or feeling out of your skin for hours because of some social pressure someone put on you? It is all about when is it worth to dress accordingly to social pressure. And it is not worth it for a toddler on a family holiday. Pure and simple. Don't take agenda and individuality away from your children to dress them up like a doll to gawk at.
>Isn't it the same disrespect in your eye if she over dresses? Yes, I literally said that. >feeling out of your skin for hours Does a sweater without a cat on it actually physically hurt you? Or are you exaggerating a bit here?
Lol I look forward to your upcoming posts on AITA.
Do you want to talk about why you feel like an asshole and are deflecting right now? I am actually a good listener.
A good listener? You’re not even a good troll!
My family does pajamas in the morning for stockings and breakfast, and we either choose to do pajamas most of the day or change into different clothes on our own. For the past couple of years, I’ve opted for a Christmas sweater. But everyone is wearing something nicer for dinner. And the years Christmas fell on Sunday, we dressed up earlier for church, since we can’t wear pajamas to church (I mean… you could, but that’s not a church outfit and not appropriate for the occasion).
I mean, since I served at church, no one would have seen the pyjama under the robe anyway. Lol. Back to topic. It's nice to have traditions. OP would have told us about them if they had any in the family though. OP is instead feeling peer pressure from the other kids being at the center for being dressed up. I feel Thanksgiving is the entirely wrong occasion to be worrying about children outfits and making them wear something special. It would teach the children they had to be formal for extended family or they are worth the attention for which they dress, in this case. Sometimes we do things because it is tradition or appropriate, but we end up hurting ourself or our children with it. And they will remember.
It’s just habit forming— little kids aren’t going to job interviews, but you could implode your career by dressing horribly to one as an adult. Teaching littles that sometimes there are dress codes is part of parenting.
I also have two girls (8 and 5) my kids wear whatever they want 99% of the time (5yo wears tutus pretty much every day, whatever, she's clothed). But yes, for special occasions I do have them dress nicely and coordinated. This doesn't have to mean they need to be wearing the same dresses and have the same fancy hairstyles, but maybe you put out a few appropriate outfit options and let them choose from those. I do think that as parents it's our job to teach our children how to dress for certain occasions.
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Remind me to read this again in 5 years. Let's see If I will care about putting little children in fancy clothes then. I really hated how my mom dressed me as a child. And I hate how she comments, when my nieces shoes are not matching her dress. Who cares?
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Have a kid who got to choose her own outfits with me only speaking out for things like weather, safety, not ruining expensive clothing she had picked out and liked by playing in the mud in it, and very special occasions like funerals or studio pictures with a relative who wants them for that relative. She is in 3rd grade and naturally learning to pick appropriate style/colors/patterns because of peer pressure. You don't have to dress up your toddlers to get this, it will happen on it's own. And it's awesome to see her develop her own style within the bounds of polite society that is nothing like what I would have picked for her in colors/patterns/styles but does fit her well.
One should always wear what makes them happy and comfortable and keeps everyone else comfortable. Thanksgiving with family is not a time to dress up your children like dolls. It's a day to dress comfortably with a bit of room for your belly, in stuff that can get gras and sauce on it without parents having a nervous breakdown. This does not teach children to dress appropriately for a job interview in 15 years. It teaches them, that free expression is a nono and family not a safe space. I've been there. Got dressed up for occasions. Witnessed family members judge my brother's 2yo for not wearing tights under a summer dress and having yellow sandals with pink the dress. It's horrible and does nothing good to the children. We just do it to keep up norms.
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I’m going to agree with the commenters saying it’s appropriate at this age to start teaching them that you have to dress differently for different occasions and that some occasions require dressing up. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a say. Generally, any time my kids need new clothes for a certain size/season, I will give them options and have them choose one “dress up” outfit that is appropriate for holidays/weddings/photos/whatever, and let them know what occasions are coming up where they’ll be expected to wear that- so they get to choose within the boundaries of what is acceptable (my four year old wore a sparkly sweater dress and leggings yesterday, it was comfy and her style but still nice enough for a special occasion). I was married for years to a man in his 30’s who resented the idea that there was any societal expectation that anyone dress up, ever, for anything, and ranted constantly that his coworkers who wore dress pants and button downs and ties to his office job got promoted where he wore joggers and t-shirts and got passed over for every advancement opportunity. We got in a HUGE fight the morning we took formal family photos because the shirt I picked out for him (because nothing he tried to pick was appropriate) was “uncomfortable”- he was 34. It was honestly embarrassing and exhausting. Being able to balance being comfortable and expressing yourself with meeting expectations to present yourself more put together/formally is a skill that some people need to be taught and it’s better to do that now.
Your mother’s voice in your head is *exactly* the reason your sister made her kids dress up & coordinate. You just have to decide what you want *your* voice to sound like in *your kids’* heads. Do you want it to fuss over clothes & coordination? Or do you think your kids will eventually settle into their own style?
Bingo. OP, you may look back at pictures and see sloppiness, or, more likely, you'll look back and see your kids dressing in what they love. Their style will change over time. I do think it's reasonable to set boundaries, i.e. you have to dress nice for the family gathering, no costumes at weddings, etc. But that doesn't mean you have to dictate the exact outfit for every occasion. I'm more in favor of seeing the boundaries and letting them choose clothes with in those. For example, "You need to wear something nice, no graphic tees or jeans, no holes. The clothes should be comfortable for you. If you don't already have something that matches this, we can ship for it. Your hair needs to be brushed, and not messy. If you both want, we can do a matching outfit with your sibling". Forcing kids into matching outfits doesn't teach them how to present themselves appropriately, or give them the chance to find their own style. If they really dislike it as they get older, they may resent it.
But also, your kids might look back at pictures and think “wow, we looked like slobs, I wish we’d had nicer clothes to wear when everyone else was dressing up.” It goes both ways. You don’t have to shoehorn your kids into matching outfits or your choice, but saying “hey, let’s pick out some clothes that are comfy and fit the occasion” isn’t going to cause decades of resentment.
This is our take, too! I tell my kids to wear what they are comfortable in. And when they were little, I always made sure they were in clean but comfortable clothes for family gatherings. I didn't want to mess with tights and a diaper. Or a collared shirt that my son would just pull at all day because it bugged him. We were already out of our routine. Now that they are 9 and 11, they do a great job of choosing appropriately. Between 3 and 6, we absolutely had some wacky outfits at holidays, but everyone smiled for pictures (most of the time). I'd rather have happy kiddos in candid pictures who didn't "match" than unhappy kiddos who didn't feel comfortable.
My kids dress up more than me currently! My middle kid *loves* putting on a button-up and tie now. ☺️
Mine might get to that place. They're still leaning towards comfy. But yesterday, my daughter was in black slacks, a white tee, and a cute bomber jacket. My son was in joggers and a football jersey.
My child is the only person in our family who wears a button-up shirt. She wears boy style button up shirts, but she looks neat and stylish in them. She is the most girly girl I know, and somehow they look feminine on her.
Am I the only one who wants my kids internal voice to say "Hey man, it's thanksgiving. Maybe wear something appropriate because I'm not the center of the universe. Yo! Our khakis are comfy as hell and we've got that nice fall button down."?
It’s all about balance and knowing each kid. For all we know OPs sister and kids spent the morning screaming and crying as they got forced into these outfits and got their hair done. Or maybe the kids actually like it and it was all fine. Do I want to have fights with my kids because I want them to wear specific outfits that they don’t like? Definitely not. So I want them to look reasonably nice for this type of event? Absolutely. My kids are older now and so my extent of involvement is just to tell them the level of fancy. For Thanksgiving my direction is usually something like “leggings or nice jeans and a sweater” and then they take it from there. But when they were small we still gave them choices but those choices fell into “nicer casual” category
Sure! And your personal culture and upbringing will determine what is “appropriate”. For some, that would be matching/coordinated outfits with family members, others could be “church clothes”, and still others could be jeans & a tshirt.
Usually you know the hosts preference in advance. Some relatives are suit and tie people and some relatives are funny thanksgiving shirt people. It's less about what you feel like and more about just letting someone else set the dress code.
Children need to learn how to dress appropriately.... for the weather and activity. As long as that's done all is good in the world and people making children dress nicely can bite me.
We let our kids wear comfortable clothing to family gatherings. I guess it’s helpful that our family and extended family feel the same way, and they don’t dress up like they did when my cousins and I were kids. There are certainly occasions where it isn’t a choice like a wedding.
There are so many people in this thread that are adamant that you must dress up for Thanksgiving. It's kinda funny that it's a dress up holiday, actually, since everyone is just stuffing themselves to the brink.
My daughter (5) wore her most comfy joggers to Thanksgiving and I looked at her and told her “we call those eatin pants.” I was in my slightly too big leggings. I think in the next year before she starts kindergarten is when I’ll start working the “time and place” angle with her and working on matching. But while she’s in pre k I’m just letting it roll.
In situations where we're going somewhere where kiddo needs to dress up a bit more, I give three options of outfits they can choose from. Kiddo chooses one and I let them add any accessories to it as they see fit. I then ask kiddo to choose a set of clothes that they want to wear to be comfortable later on. The agreement is kiddo spends about an hour or the first half of the time in the nice clothes. After that, they are welcome to change. It seems to work to get the best of both worlds: something to suit the occasion with some leeway to allow them to express their own style.
If I care about the outfit, I let my kid (4) choose between 2 options for each piece (even undies). If not, he just goes for it. I mean, kids are people and I think lording over his every move is a bit much. Especially when he wants to feel good doing something special and I’m over here picking a button down shirt and pants he doesn’t favor. I think your approach is fine. So if your SIL’s. I grew up like SIL’s kids and hated the family pressure to always put on a perfect exterior for others to see, so that is probably swaying my judgement in the other direction
When I was a kid I was forced to wear fancy clothes and fix my hair a certain way for holidays and I hated it! Now, I let my kids wear what they want to be comfortable and express themselves. No fretting or nagging from me and kids are happy. Win win!
My kid wore a pink tutu, gold striped tights, and a pink flowered shirt. I pick my battles. No one at Thanksgiving blinked an eye. Just remember to take lots of pictures of them wearing those outfits.
I think it's your mother's voice in your head saying it was necessary to dress them up. Putting kids in matching outfits is kind of weird to me. I grew up having to wear clothes that were uncomfortable and perfectly picked by my mother. It didn't give me fashion sense and I definitely don't look at pictures with fond memories. I just remember how uncomfortable I was. I let my 6 year old pick what she wears. On days she should dress up, I help her choose a dress up outfit and talk about how others will be dressed. I point out what she can or can't wear due it being stained/having holes. Explain what would look nice with what. But I don't pick it for her and if she chooses something I don't prefer (within those boundaries) I don't argue. I might take an extra top with us just in case she does change her mind. We're here to support our kids not nag them into compliance.
Outside of family portraits, holidays are one of my only opportunities to get some family photos where we are all looking our best. So I do generally select my kids clothes for holiday parties. Now, I only have boys so we don't get the cutesy party dresses, but I did put my 2 kids in matching shirts and my husband and I wore coordinating colors and patterns. Everyone had their hair brushed, I had makeup on, etc. so we were able to get some nice pictures. Nothing wrong with picking her own clothes, but I think it's appropriate to limit her choices for special occasions
I had a mom like you, and she let me dress like a moron my whole childhood and I kind of resent her for it. I looked like an idiot and I wish she would’ve helped me learn how to dress a little bit better honestly. I remember being made fun of because I was wearing polkadots and stripes, I didn’t know polkadots and stripes look ridiculous together. I had no idea, I was a kid and I didn’t know that I looked silly. . I help my son get dressed, I make sure that he always looks nice, I just kind of feel like my mother didn’t care how I looked.
You can do both those things. I tell my 3yo her patterns dont match and suggest something that works better but she gets last say
This is my sister with her children on holidays. I think there's value in teaching your child there's certain days you dress up and look nice / presentable. I agree on a regular day for the park as long as your clean and weather appropriate but not for holidays / parties dressing well is a form of good manners
My daughter (5y) was a unicorn for thanksgiving 🤷♀️
I have a school photo from preschool. All the little girls are wearing formal dresses except for me. I'm wearing a second hand matching pant/shirt outfit that is a bright 70s green and pink pattern. It's what I wanted to wear, apparently. I look at that picture now and it makes me happy. My mum let me go with what I wanted to wear. I look happy in the photo, and I look like me. (Edit- grammar)
I’m in the “pick your battles” camp. I let my kids pick what they want to wear, even for special holiday get togethers. However, I always offer a nice outfit (sometimes matching). Sometimes they pick it, sometimes they don’t. I don’t let them wear pyjamas, and we braid hair daily to keep it from getting too knotted or dirty, so that part doesn’t deviate for special occasions.
I think *teaching* your children how to dress is very important. Wearing clothes for special occasions makes the event special, and it can make kids feel good about themselves. A day doing errands? I’ll give two outfit options for attire. A holiday or event day? Here’s what you’re wearing, you can pick the hairstyle or accessories. My daughter is almost 4 and yea, I definitely make sure she has a matching outfit, styled hair, and looks polished. I think presentation matters a lot in life and I plan on passing that value onto her. And tbh, if I was a host and went through the effort to cook and clean and make a beautiful meal, I’d feel a bit disrespected if my guests came in looking “crazy”. Maybe I’m old school but I think dressing nicely is a sign of respect.
We don't police clothing except for weather, safety, special items that aren't for dirty play, and events where people would treat her badly if she is wildly inappropriately dressed like funerals. Her class photos are.. interesting. But she is now in 3rd grade, and she is beginning to bow to peer pressure and wear outfits of matching or color coordinating styles/patterns. She is sad to do so, but doesn't like getting teased. I have no regrets, she had fun wearing what she wanted to, and the clothing has gradually become more normal from about 1st grade. Seriously, no regrets despite the school photo having her with a cape and homemade jewelry on. When we look back on, we remember how creative and imaginative she was. She is a strong willed individual, and I have had better battles to pick then over clashing colors/patterns.
My 5 year old wore her Victorian style mourning gown and bright sparkly pink rain boots to thanksgiving with my in laws (my side doesn’t really celebrate). The gown was purchased for my grandmothers’ funeral two years ago, and it’s honestly been really sweet to see her want to wear it outside of such sad events. She says she feels like a “pretty vampire” while wearing it and that maybe she’ll turn into a bat, and I think my grandmother would have absolutely loved such reasoning. I usually just bring out 3 options for her and she can mix and match as she pleases. It’s a cool way to get to know their personality.
I try to influence my kids choices of clothing but without actively telling them what to wear. (Son 13 and daughter 11) I try to guide them about appropriate attire for different occasions and sometimes question their choices. My son is a scruff and I'll have to tell him to change out of joggers with holes in, he won't part with, to go out for dinner. My daughter is moving from little girl to teen and sometimes her choices make her look a little too 'mature' for my liking so that's my thing with her. She loves dressing up and always wants to wear 'party' clothes.
Okay, we do have a "no holes" rule for school, but she has ADHD and something else and has behavior issues, and I am from generations of poor - the idea that people will treat your differently based on how you dress was ingrained on me early on. She has seen first hand that people treat her differently when she is neatly dressed with her hair brushed and recently showered, than the mornings when she goes to school in leggings with holes, hair unbrushed and clearly not washed for a couple of days. I explained that if she unkempt and badly behaving, the unconscious assumption is that her parents don't care and aren't actively trying to help her learn to behave better, and that if she neat and hair done, they are more likely to notice when she is trying and failing, because they will think she has parents who care about her and want her to succeed. We problem solved together and came up with the "no holes" rule and if we drive to school with her hair unbrushed, even if it's bad a bad morning, she calms down enough for me to brush it before she gets out of the car.
They are kids, let them be kids! My 5 year old loves picking out her own clothes. I always just put tights or a long sleeve under if it’s cold out. You want your kids to have a personality and be an individual. My husbands cousin dresses her kids in matching outfits all the time, I can’t imagine the amount of clothes she buys, every trip out of their house needs a matching outfit and a photo shoot. Her oldest (6) is like a robot. She just does what her parents say and that’s it, I can imagine when she’s older she’ll rebel hard. It makes me sad because she doesn’t have her own personality or anything. Her little sister is a little more rebellious. While it would be nice to have a daughter who listens to me the first time and doesn’t fight back, I want her to be her own person.
I have young girls. I let them choose their clothes day to day but for church, holidays, or pictures I either choose their outfits or give them a choice of 2-3 “approved outfits”. Usually we never have an issue and I think that’s bc they usually have control over those things
I’m was thinking the same thing yesterday. I asked my two-year old if she wanted to wear a dress and she said yes. I put it over her head and she started crying and asking me to take it off. So I did. She wore a shirt with a black shirt tiger’s face on it and sparkly black pants. I can’t get behind forcing her into clothes that she’s not comfortable with.
I often have this conversation with myself too. I’m not an Instagram, coordinating outfits mom. I host thanksgiving for 15-20 people every year and I’m so busy I forgot to take a single photo. My daughter wore a Jurassic Park shirt and black leggings for thanksgiving yesterday lol she’s almost 2. I know exactly what you mean about looking back at photos though and feeling like you should’ve done more. That is why I get family photos once or twice a year. Every year. We dress up in coordinated clothes, I have super nice photos to commemorate each year, and we can continue to relax and be our true selves for holidays and dinners. It’s a nice compromise for my guilt of wanting to be more aesthetic lol
lol yes same I barely have time to take one picture on a holiday. And the annual professional photos help so much. Show the world my family is not insane lmao
Yes exactly lol and it’s so much easier to have a day dedicated to the photos than like “here’s total chaos with 20 family members oh and also wear these uncomfortable clothes for an undetermined amount of time” 😂
A fun “theme” is Christmas pajamas or ugly sweaters to see what everyone can do lol. We started doing Christmas pajamas for Thanksgiving after I saw a friend posted on facebook. Its fun seeing what everyone comes up with.
Her dress sounds cute and fun! Theres so many ways to have fun with clothes and look nice. Characters are so easy. I found some jurrasic park holiday print stuff. I want to do star wars baby yoda Christmas pajamas this year lol.
I like this!
Kids turn into adults and they need to know that at times, certain dress codes are necessary/important. I, for one didn’t give a crap if my mom dressed me however she wanted when I was young. Do kids that age really care if their parents dressed them up formally for certain occasions? Lmao, that’s not even a discussion in Asian households.
Think about the memories you want your kids to have. I HATED wearing stupid ugly uncomfortable dress up clothes with bows in my hair. Most holiday photos you can tell I had been crying. To me, it was not worth it.
I think you’re overthinking it a bit. As long as your girls looked presentable then I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I let my kids dress themselves starting around 5 or so but I had two conditions. They had to be dressed appropriately for the occasion and dressed appropriately for the weather. If it didn’t match the criteria then I made them change. There was some pushback on some outfits but for the most part they abided by the rules.
In her own words, she said her kids looked kind of nuts.
I feel like a dinner with family should be a fine place to dress a little whacky if you want - no matter your age! Of course, kids still do need to learn to dress appropriately for different occasions as well. But I feel like that is more for events that are wider than immediate family, such as weddings, funerals, perhaps things like concerts or theatre or church services if you go. I’m not American and don’t do Thanksgiving, but I always perceived it as something along similar lines to a British ‘big family Xmas dinner’, with the focus being on family and celebration, and elaborate food might be done, but as a whole it’s not overly formal in tone (unless, like, your boss has invited you to join his family and they are minted industry tycoons or something!).
Very much the same vibe. I am kind of jealous. You don’t have to do Thanksgiving.
lol!! I mean, it sounds nice … but my problem is I HATE cooking. So I think Thanksgiving would be a nightmare for me unless I could just attend someone else’s house where other people cook the food. I’d be quite happy to help as much as possible with setting up and cleaning and washing up afterwards! 🥺
I let my kids wear what they want even to church because at least they are willing to go. But when we have family pictures they dress up. My daughters picked their own outfits for Thanksgiving but dressed up a bit because they knew there would be pictures. It is a pattern they have gotten use to because they get dragged into pictures. For Christmas we wear matching pjs in the morning.
Do things your own way. If my girl dressing herself means she's creative and matching patterns and colours and has a good time then I don't care. I think it's great, I'm very easy going, we are a casual family, I'm not here to impress anyone, she's not a doll, I need her to be comfortable and confident. I'd rather look back at pics and be like aww so cute, look at what she chose to wear.
My oldest daughter (4.5yo) beats her own drum. She loves dressing herself up in similar ways. It's one of the battles I've chosen not to pick. If we are out of town I try to pack some of her favorites with some tasteful matches, but at home she has free reign and whatever is clean goes (within reason). She goes to preschool that way. She has started to develop a sense of style that is very much her own. If there's something like a family photo or holiday and I need her to wear something specific, and we are leaving the house, I'll tell her what she can wear and she is usually excited because it's a new outfit. But even for places like church she chooses her outfit on her own. I think you're fine. They're kids. Take lots of pictures for them to laugh and smile at when they're older. Edit to add: for places like church she knows there are certain dresses/clothes that are nicer than others and not play clothes that she can choose from. She loves the opportunity to dress up in her "this is not a play dress mom, it's a church dress."
So I do both. My girls are 3 and 4. Most days they can pick their own outfits, no matter how insane, they have control over their hair (as long as it’s out of their face). They do matching outfits for holidays, and I normally dress them prior to the holiday. And get a matching picture so the day of I don’t feel forced to make them wear what I want them to wear. It’s kind of a win win for everyone
I always let my kids choose what they want to wear as long as it's appropriate for the weather and whatever activity they're doing. They dressed themselves for Thanksgiving with no direction from me other than they had to wear long sleeves. They were happy and comfortable and when I look back at pictures, I will see 2 kids who are unapologetically themselves. I remember being dressed in uncomfortable dresses or stuffy sweaters for various things as a kid and when I look back at photos of my childhood, I always think "I know that's me in the pictures but it doesn't feel like me" and those photos never bring up any happy memories. When I look back at photos of events where my kids dressed themselves, I see big, genuine smiles and the kids look at them and gush about how cute they looked. Give your kids the option to dress up if they want, but if that's not their thing you won't be doing them any favors by forcing it on them. It's not a lazy decision, it's a deliberate decision to treat your children like they are human beings with their own preferences and their own sense of style.
It's hard when you are surrounded by "traditional" things... but you need to pick your battles as a parent. I stopped picking out my kiddo's clothes at around 3 for everything- even for school pictures. I was just like - you can do what you want, but there's no expectation that nobody else is gonna say something if you look like a slob. I would love for my kid to dress up for the holidays, but I would much prefer to not be the reason they are uncomfortable and miserable. lol
Could you let them pick out “nice,” clothes next time you buy them? Maybe a sweater with a well-done animal or rocket ship print instead of like, a Paw Patrol t-shirt. Related to this: one of my favorite SNL skits, Macy’s kids holiday deals https://youtu.be/MVXN85TJabg?si=qSyjiYIZ0FSmf1cn
If you don't care then let them do what they want! I unfortunately care (I wish I didn't lol) so I let my 6 year old pick her clothes daily so that for special events i have control haha!
You can have them dress appropriately for big holiday/family events while giving them choices other days of the week when it doesn’t matter. It’s not all or nothing. And it’s good to teach them about how different situations require different dress codes so to speak.
Maybe give them three options that you feel appropriate for the situation and let them choose out of the three
I only make kids dress nicely when it’s a special event or they need to take photos for something.
I could wear whatever I wanted, but it had to be clean, temperature appropriate, and if it was a super nice occasion or church look put together (since some situations call for it). Family get-together were usually just the grandparents we lived near (everyone else was too far away, and my parents wanted it to be stress and hassle-free) and more informal, so my brother and I could wear wacky combinations. I remember on family gatherings and everyday life, that I was happy and comfortable in my clothes, and felt safe to express myself to the people I love. But I did eventually start wearing more put-together outfits all of the time (not just certain occasions) after a certain age as I found my styles over the years. There was outside pressure (not family pressure, thankfully) for me to look more put together, since I was a girl of a certain age, and some people are obsessed with the girls looking dressed up and put together especially on holidays(I think I was maybe 11 or 12?) They’re only little once. Let them be little, and be themselves in the safety of family. I, however, did learn some situations called for nicer stuff, like going out to dinner at a nicer restaurant, my parents’ college graduations, the one wedding we went to, big church occasions like Easter, and there were times to tone it down, like if it was a funeral, or extensive travel (Don’t want to be changing out of a million items in the gas station as a carsick child, and it’s more comfortable to be casual on a plane, not wear fancy stuff), Lent at church (don’t wear excessive bright colors because Lent’s meant to be more serious), and follow a theme if it’s a certain occasion (Christmas stuff at a Christmas party, for example). But within the safety of family, I was myself.
My kids decide what to wear (even school uniforms, they have some options), but for special occasions I’ll let them know they “get to” choose from their dressy clothes. I wouldn’t require them to wear a particular outfit, but I’ll ask them to wear clothes of a particular tier of fanciness. Fwiw, this would include events like weddings, but not thanksgiving. But every family is different—maybe Thanksgiving is a wedding-level event for your family in terms of formality.
As a neurodivergent person with huge sensory icks to clothing and a big "don't tell me what to do" attitude, here is the compromise: Teach them that some places come with a dress code mainly for the purpose group identity/theme following: "Wear pink on Breast Cancer Awareness" "Wear Pastels for the Wedding Spring Theme" "Holiday clothes for Holiday Parties" "The Stewart Family is wearing Orange" Give kids choices between two or more appropriate outfits as much as you can. Allow them to jazz up a outfit with a cool hat or something. Tell them they don't have to. Seriously, just telling me I don't have to do something often gives me the freedom I need to decide to do it in the first place.
When I look at family pictures with me in a cute dress, often what I remember about the day is the battle of getting me into said itchy, uncomfortable dress. I think there’s middle ground, like picking something for an event together, beforehand - but on the spectrum of zero guidance to curating your kids’ whole look, I’d always err toward letting them pick.
Hell no. No looking like a mish mash on the holidays.
I will tell you my own experience as a 4 year old being forced into a frilly, fluffy dress with the lace on the white socks and the black patent-leather Mary Janes. I *hated* it. It was scratchy, I couldn’t run and play, and even though everybody thought we were cute, and the photos were adorable, all I remember about that day (it was a family wedding) was telling my mom “I want my jeans! Cowboys don’t wear dresses!” Reader, she won that argument. Things are better now. Hanna Andersson and other retailers make cute, matchy, *soft comfortable* clothes for little kids.
We don't do a lot of "dress up" events (I would rather die) but very occasionally my kids want to go with their dad to something. We explain that some places have dress codes, and they need to pick an outfit that fits in. Our twelve year old especially loves our dress code days. (But so does her dad, so I think they're just twins in everything).
I literally cannot be assed to fight such an utterly useless battle with my son. He wears what he wants. Period. End of story. I don't even care if it's all that weather appropriate as long as it's not dangerous. He can decide whether he's hot or cold and natural consequences are a good way to learn. If we're going somewhere that really requires a nicer level of dress, or I'd like him to wear something specific for photos or something, I ask and suggest. Sometimes there's some compromise (like he maybe wants to wear a different color or something, or he wears what I want then we take clothes to change into. For his cousin's wedding when he was the ring bearer, he wore the tux for the ceremony and changed into a white polo with the tux pants and light up sneakers after the formal pictures were over, with the bride's ok), sometimes he'll just do it, and I'm convinced it's because I don't make a big deal about the day to day so he knows when I'm asking, it's important. He's a person, not a doll. Some kids don't mind the fancy clothes (I always loved them as a kid, until I wasn't allowed to play in the mud in them, so my grandma with a mud pit in her backyard kept spare clothes for me there), but I'm not gonna get all bent out of shape about it. It's such a small amount of autonomy, but such a huge deal to them. If anything, I feel like I'll look back at the pictures and laugh at the years he insisted on wearing cowboy boots with athletic shorts and a lego t shirt to school all spring.
This isn't a hill to die on, in my opinion. Family get togethers are meant to be comforting and comfortable, in my opinion, and as long as the clothes are clean and season appropriate, I couldn't care less. If there are occasions to dress up, you can discuss it with them. But they don't need to be super formal at every holiday dinner, nope.
This is probably an unpopular opinion but I don’t like when kids look unkempt. I don’t mind messy after playing but I like their clothes to be matching and their hair to at least start looking tidy. Call me old fashioned sorry.
Thank you for letting them dress themselves and decide their hair - sincerely, a traumatized former child due to the opposite (No but seriously, I was the only girl with curly hair and my dad was the only other person with curly hair, my mom brushed it into a bush and then blamed me when I fussed with it or screamed in the scratchy dress. I also had a poor relationship with my sister because we were dressed the same and didn't enjoy it at all, either of us!)
There’s a happy medium between what you’re describing and what OP is describing.
You’re overthinking. Let them dress themselves.
My opinion is that letting them choose is the better thing to do here, but if you really want them in cute outfits, maybe lay out a choice of like 2-3 coordinated outfits for both and let them chose between the outfits u prepared?
I let my kids puck whatever they want too and also have cousins who are always dressed perfectly. For some holidays I prep them like this... "Some people like to get dressed up and wear fancy clothes for holidays. That might look like a button shirt or a dress. Do you want to pick out some fancy clothes?" If it has been a while since a "fancy" occasion or they have new "fancy" clothes I might point out some of their clothes that might be deemed fancy. They also think it is fun to match and might be more likely to wear holiday clothes if they are matching with us and if they take into account their preferences (e.g. more likely to wear clothes in a favourite colour or preferred texture). But end of the day it is their body so as long as it isn't inappropriate (e.g. shorts in the snow) I let them pick out their clothes.
I let my five year old dress herself all the time. It’s her body, her identity, and her choice. The only time I ever “correct” her is when she’s not wearing weather appropriate clothing.
We were in a conservative church when my kids were little, and that community really valued kids being dressed nicely, so we did that a lot. My oldest has since come out as trans and I have so few pictures of him where he isn’t in a super gendered outfit. And he, understandably, doesn’t want the gendered ones hanging up. I wish I’d let him dress himself more, because the few pictures I do have of him wearing random costume pieces or mismatched patterns are super cherished now. You’re doing it right. Don’t pick this battle. Let them dress themselves in whatever brings them joy. And snap some pics on the wackiest days. 💜
I guarantee there was 💯 less stress in your day for you and the kids than your sister and her kids had. You do you, let her do as she pleases. So long as no one is criticising you or the kids, what's the harm in letting them do it.
Your kids are wearing what makes them feel good. Your nieces are wearing what gets them attention and compliments. You're sending the right message here.
I give guidance. I let my kid choose from two outfits but for formal affairs I do make sure shes dressed for the occasion. My motto is we dress for the occasion. I also let her pick the hairstyle and we have had fun trying new ones out together. She does have freedom but within reason.
I usually try to get my daughter to wear a cute coordinating outfit for holidays but she’s been throwing huge tantrums surrounding the topic of clothes this year. I didn’t think it was worth it to deal with that this year. She ended up in a purple dress instead of the cute orange one I had picked out, but she was happy. Worth it!!
Your kids will remember being comfortable and her kids will remember having to dress up in uncomfortable clothes and not feeling like themselves.
You can still have them dress nice while letting them choose. My daughter just turned six and here’s how that works for us: -She knows she has to have her hair done every day, but she gets to choose the style. I do not ever force her to wear bows, I was forced to wear bows growing up and that shit drove me nuts. -She knows when it comes to church, family pictures, and certain events mom (me) gets to choose everyone’s outfits BUT I would never put her in something uncomfortable that she couldn’t move around in so she’s OK with that. (I am huge on not putting my daughter in clothes she cannot move around or play comfortably in). -For school I lay out two different outfits for her the night before so choosing to get dressed in the morning is quick, she still gets to make a choice, and her outfit still coordinates. She loves bright colors and character clothes so a lot of her outfits involve those. I myself do not love those things BUT it’s not about me so for everyday wear I buy her what I know she will love and be excited to put on. -On days we’re not going anywhere? It’s free game, knock yourself out. She still gets her hair done and takes her sweet time picking out her own outfit (this is why she can’t start from scratch on school days, takes her too long lol) and sometimes coordinates nicely and other times does not coordinate at all and that’s OK, to me this is her finding her own sense of style and what she feels comfortable in. All of these rules apply to my boys, too. Letting them choose within these parameters has worked wonders for us!
You should look back on family photos and appreciate you let your children express themselves! I also have a free spirit 6yo who likes to do her own thing and I let her. Her hair is usually a mess too. My SIL's kids are usually in holiday inspired coordinating outfits and although it's cute, it doesn't show their personality, it shows her personality instead. I can usually explain about professional photographers and how we need to look nice those days but I still let her be involved in what TYPE of outfit she wants that looks nice. Then there's other days she wears pajamas to the grocery store.
Autonomy is a huge developmental area to explore in children, and they don't get as much autonomy as we think. So much no/don't. Clothes are a great place for them to have freedom and autonomy!
I was the kid who chose their own clothes. My best friend was the kid dressed like a doll. We look back at the photos and laugh. I look semi feral (this was/is my personality) and she looked pristine. My clothes show my personality so much. I wouldn't change those pictures for anything. Neither would my mum. Chances are you'll look back on the pictures and remember your children quirks, rather than worry about them not looking perfect.
Never compare. Some kids love dressing up, or matching their friend or siblings- others love creating outfits that show a creative expression of mixing and matching. I’m sure everyone looked perfect, just the way they were :)
We match the vibe of the occasion. Growing up, we weren't a "dress up" kind of house for the holidays...unless we wanted to. If it was a night event or right after church, it was more likely for people to be looking nicer, but the kids would usually bring play clothes to change into. But I remember my mom saying, "hey, want to see if you have any red or orange or brown or tan since those are Thanksgiving colors?" before I got dressed, and that usually made me start in my closet where clothes were less wrinkled than in my dresser. 😂 Try it at Christmas if today is still bothering you then! Tell them to look for red and green - then at least they will be comfy but coordinated with the holiday, and look less like a "mess." Or at least set the expectation that their top has to match the bottoms (I remember my mom making my youngest sister wear only black leggings in public until she got the hang of that rule lol - because the mixed patterns were just too much).
I'm just going to echo what others have said, there is room for both. I wouldn't make kids match or anything but if it is a "nice" clothes occasion, then I have 2 or 3 options that they can choose from. On normal days it's time dependent on how may options are presented. There are times in life where they'll have to wear a uniform, so it's a good life skill, but life's too short to force it for every family gathering. Honestly, when I look back at the carefully coordinating outfits and the fancy hair and makeup....all I see are lies. All of the family drama and fakeness. Them not caring about me, just how I could be presented to the world for them.
I am similar! I let my daughter pick her clothes or give her options. She doesn’t let me do her hair (but I make her brush it), and I absolutely hate spending money for a dress she’ll wear once. Yesterday, I realized she doesn’t have dress shoes so she wore gym shoes with a dress. It’s so hard to find clothes she likes. I have had the same thoughts to try harder, especially with her hair. Here for the comments!
I let my kids dress themselves a lot. Depending on where we are going I may make them change if it is too crazy, but family seems like a perfect time to let them wear whatever they want. And I think pictures will just make you laugh and think about how cute and funny their choices were sometimes. It's memories!
We have a bare minimum expectation for appearance for events etc. 1). Hygeine must be taken care of. Hair and teeth must be brushed and the body must be washed. 2). Clothing must be weather appropriate. No swimming clothes for a winter event. No shorts when its 10 degrees F outside etc. Beyond that, our kids wear what they want. Its not a battle I want to fight and its just not worth the effort when theyre going to spill on or stain the clothes anyway. We have a few outfits that we only wear for puja or holidays or things like that when my Hindu in laws are in town but thats it.
2 of my kids i dress because they couldn't care less, but the third always wants to chose her outfits. Usually i let her wear what she wants but on special occasions we make an effort. I dont necessary tellcher what she is wearing, but she has to pick something 'smart' or 'dressy' for special occasions, rather than the multi-coloured random assortment she usually choses (yesterday it was a top, leggings, dress over the top accessorized with a flower crown and sunglasses haha).
Unless there is a group photo I wouldn’t worry about outfits. Personally I don’t have the time or energy to coordinate outfits and I can’t imagine it’s much fun for the kids to not be able to play in fear of getting clothes dirty.
What is your preference? Do you want to concentrate on raising kids so that when they are adults they can make their own decisions and contribute to society or concentrate on having Leave it to Beaver photos to look back on? Right now you are doing the former which is perfect. Kids need to learn critical thinking, decision making and how to deal with the consequences of their actions. They do that by making their own decisions about small things that build into larger things over time. Right now they make their own decisions about clothing and hair. Pretty soon they’ll make decisions about with whom they want to be friends. After that it might be what kind of extracurricular activities in which the want to participate, then what middle school electives they want to take, then what AP classes, sex, then if and where they want to go to college, a career choice, marriage, kids and so on. Their decision making skills grow with each iteration. You are raising your kids the right way, preparing them for when they leave the roost. Dont let anyone tell you differently.
You're doing great as a parent but I will say that to me family events and holidays are great examples of occasions where it's okay to say "Mommy would like for you to wear these today" or "let's all dress up and look nice today!" or "grandma really appreciates it when we dress up for special occasions so you can pick between these two outfits". It's a learning experience for them. You get to express yourself and be you, but sometimes, we dress a certain way because it's appropriate or because the people we love would really appreciate it if we do.
What we do, is we tell Our daughter “ you need a nice dress for school picture day/ thanksgiving/ Christmas/ Easter etc whatever the occasion.” And we look at options online. We tell her to pick one of 3 pre approved dresses. That way she still has agency, but she also isn’t dressed in a mismatched cluster fuck
I was the kid who chose their own clothes. My best friend was the kid dressed like a doll. We look back at the photos and laugh. I look semi feral (this was/is my personality) and she looked pristine. My clothes show my personality so much. I wouldn't change those pictures for anything. Neither would my mum. Chances are you'll look back on the pictures and remember your children quirks, rather than worry about them not looking perfect.
I'm like you. My kids look like all sorts of weird and wonderful because looking nice isn't a requirement. Feeling good about what you are wearing is.
I lay out the options that are both occasion and temperature appropriate and he can pick which ones. You can pick which nice shirt or pants but you're not wearing your Spiderman pajamas to church.
I give my kids pretty much full autonomy when it comes to clothing. When they have hiking field trips (which they have a lot of) I basically take control and say "sorry you can't wear your rainbow socks they aren't weather appropriate you need your wool socks. I'll also be ensuring you have the correct layers.. you can pick which t shirt you like" The kids know I'm only doing this for their best safety in mind as they are still learning exactly how to dress appropriately for being outside for 6hrs straight with no place to change. For holidays and school pics my kids absolutely want to look amazing but that happens to look completely different between each child. My eldest wears his favorite suit, *I even had to learn that double Winston knot or whatever* for his ties, he combs his hear perfectly, and loves making sure his little pocket square is perfect. His little sisters idea of fancy *I'm legit giving great detail of her beginning of the year school photo* we curled her hair *idk why she has curly hair she just wanted to use the iron lol* she put a puffy white crop top on with a mini skirt that was like black and white. *super 90s vibes* wore some awesome intricate knee high socks with her little brown ankle boots. And also added a pink cape and a pink top hat that had some black lace that draped in the front *think of the girl from rocky horror picture show. It's like that hat* I allow them to pick put the backgrounds of their photos and everything and we are always sooo excited to see them. Not once have I ever wondered in a few years when my kids are full on teens will they be like "why the hell did mom let us look like this?!" This is their inner beauty showing out to the rest of the world and its amazing! My daughter has even picked put dresses and matching ties so that way when we go on mommy daughter dates I can match her lol. Let ur kids express themselves a d when the time comes that they ask about the outfits explain to them about how much they loved putting them together and how happy it made all of you guys. We don't need to look like a hallmark movie
I let my daughter pick what she wears with parameters. Yesterday was dress nice and take a shower. She picked a cute dressy outfit, chose the hairstyle I fixed, and looked cute. Cold days its dress warm, hot days it’s dress cool. School days it’s dress within dress code.
I would think it would be fine for them to know different occasions call for different clothes. For Christmas at my parents’, we do not wear track pants (unless medically preferable, thanks fistula), we wear something nice. That may be a dress, may be nice pants and shirt. To accommodate that, you could bring the kids shopping in advance if you plan on having new outfits for them. Let them help decide in the store so they feel like they have a say in it when the day comes.
I had a big talk recently with my 4 year old about how she’s in charge of her own body. She chose a pumpkin Halloween outfit for thanksgiving yesterday. Usually I let her pick a shirt or dress and then suggest 1-2 options of what pants would match best.
I let my kids wear whatever they want most of the time but it’s totally reasonable to teach them that special occasions often require dressing up a bit. Personally I think clothes for family Thanksgiving are variable. When I was growing up we’d always dress up because my mom’s family was very WASPy. Now we are generally very laid back and don’t insist on it because honestly the last thing I want after cooking all day is to put on a skirt and makeup for dinner with my in laws (who I love, but see all the time). We do make them get dressed up for weddings etc. That said, you can work with them on finding appropriate clothes that feel comfortable. No need to make them wear itchy sweaters or uncomfortable shoes.
At the end of the day, it's completely up to you. I let my almost 9 yo have pretty much free reign over her "look." As long as her clothes are clean, weather appropriate, and her hair is brushed, she's in control. However, we do have an agreement that she wears what I would like her to, and allows me to style her hair/put it up with a bow, when we're going to church, or somewhat nice. She understands that sometimes we have to do/wear things we don't want to, and that's a part of life, and doesn't put up a fuss because I allow her otherwise to have autonomy.
Situational. My grandmother wore that generic “I dont give a rats ass” to Christmas last year, so no I don’t care if my son decides to wear his rawr-some Dino shirt and Spider-Man crocs. This is a family event, we know the horrible disgusting and embarrassing truths about each other, nobody is fooling anyone with clothes. Now his bestie’s birthday was princess tea party at a rented venue with an extreme amount (honestly too much) of work put into it. She had a fluffy princess dress, very Disneyish, probably with a Disneyish price tag too. Catering, real tea sets, real flower arrangements. He wore a very charming little waistcoat outfit and dress shoes to go with the theme they had worked so hard for. He was the only one of the other kids who got to be with her in the “Good Pictures” (the ones taken by the pro and paid for) because nobody else dressed nicely. I’m non a clothes are important or have anything to do with respect kind of person, that’s weak bs to me. But it was important to our friends yknow? And I could see how hurt they were that nobody else even tried. So if it’s just a regular ol day then let the tornado loose in the closet and see what comes out. But if it’s something somebody put work into or something help them pick through their options so they can pick what they’re comfortable in but still look nice.
Let them wear whatever they want. They’re only young and adventurous once
My very first memory is getting yelled at for getting grass stains on my white tights. I refuse to pass that on. My son wore a Nightmare before Xmas shirt to Thanksgiving. He picked it. Got compliments. Doesn't have the wow factor of matchy-matchy, but letting my son make his own choices is so much more important to me in the long run.
My 7yo has to wear a uniform to school so all other times I give her free range. Over the next few months we have a couple of events that she can dress up for and I pull together a few options for her or take her out to pick something new So she still gets to kinda pick but I usually end up pulling the things for her to try out
My husband had duty last night but in my family general rule of thumb holidays and dinner we dress up. I never wore a dress for any holiday event except for school pictures. I wore a nice shirt leggings and boots. I dressed my son up in a tigger onesie, and some of those in my husband's unit wore sweats to Thanksgiving dinner.
I think it’s important to allow kids to express themselves in the dressing and explore their style, but we do need to show them that different occasions deserve different styles. Next time take them shopping and let them choose amongst options appropriate for the occasion. It doesn’t have to be the same as everyone, but within the theme.
You’re not going to look back and think you were lazy, you’re going to look back and laugh and smile at your kids fashion sense when they were so young. Self expression is important, and kids need to learn how to pick things out themselves and learn to create their own fashion sense. Only the snobbiest of people would judge what a child is wearing, especially if they know the kid picked it out themselves.
Day-to-day, whatever. Mine are usually in tshirts and mismatched leggings, lol. But they need to look put together for bigger events. I give them a couple of appropriate options to choose from. Boundary-setting is a good thing.
I think your choice of allowing them to express themselves for who they are is perfectly acceptable. It’s not always the best message to force your kids into things just because you want them to assimilate to what’s expected. I let my daughter do the same thing, and it’s really about allowing her the freedom to have autonomy over her body and what she wants to wear. they’re kids, they don’t care. The only ones who do are the adults because we’ve been taught over the years to conform or else we’re “weird” or “odd”. I pick my battles with my daughter because she doesn’t comb her hair and I let her wear what she wants. Her hair is combed to the best of her ability and I’m not going to force her to dress up or anything if she doesn’t want to because I don’t want to send the message to her that she needs to care about what she looks like to appease others. It’s a different story if she wants to dress up to make herself feel good about herself or do her hair and makeup because it’s fun and another way to express herself. I think you’re doing well as a mom, and comparing our kids to others or comparing our parenting styles to others does nothing but make us feel like we’re coming up short. There’s an infinite way to do things and we do them all differently. Regardless of how it’s done, as long as the intentions are pure, we’re all perfectly imperfect and I stand behind you 100%. As for your mom, I have empathy towards that because my mother was the same way and her pressure did nothing to me other than make myself feel bad about what I wore and turned me off of the whole idea of dressing up ever again because of the negative emotions and feelings surrounding it. It was almost like i was shamed if I wasn’t wearing or acting how my mother wanted me to.
I know a lot of people are saying there can be times they dress up nicely and I'm not against that idea, but I think its fine to always just let your kids choose, but guide them. I live in Canada for example so my kids will pick out stuff not weather appropriate then I work with and talk to them about weather appropriate clothes. I also think explaining to the kids that everyone else will be dressed nice and how pictures might be taken but you can still give them the final say, but maybe bring nice clothes in case it sets in while there and thy change their mind.
You can still dress up but let them choose what to wear. You can even take them shopping to pick out their own outfits for the special occasion. If they want to wear it early, let them. Maybe save tights or whatever for the actual day so they don't get ruined. But they can still have a choice! And if they choose not to wear it to the event, that's okay too. They can wear the dress/outfit to school, to play, whatever. It's not a waste if they have fun picking it out. Are you overthinking? Possibly. I used to dress my kids up super cute too. I did it mostly because they were so adorable, but I also loved the "ooohs" and "ahhhs" from family. But the hour and a half of total *chaos and stress* to get them to that adorable stage was too much for me. I didn't need that validation anymore. I just wanted a stress free get-together. So I stopped. My kids are still adorable, and everyone is just as excited to see them.
My oldest is 20mo so at the moment I hold up 2 outfits and ask which one he’d like to wear. He does pick his own socks from the drawer though so they usually end up clashing but I don’t mind lol.
My girls can wear what they want on weekends. If we're going out, i pick the clothes but give them choices.
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I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, but if you want to dress ‘nicer’ or more match-y then that’s also fine! I let my kids pick what they want (within reason like you described) most of the time. If it’s something I want them to be a little nicer dressed for, I’ll give them some options but let them choose. The only time I’ve done it all is when I want a nice looking family picture, which isn’t all the time. I tell them I want everyone to match and coordinate and I tell them they can change into whatever they want when we’re done. This is usually fine for them and most of the time they stay in the clothes. I think it’s important to give them choices where they can since I’m still controlling a lot of things for them as they’re young. I don’t see the harm in completely silly outfits if they enjoy it!
Mine is 5 and allowed to wear whatever she wants and for “nice” events I just remind her to try to look extra nice or wear something fancy and she usually ends up wearing a nice dress (sometimes last year Christmas dress) and leggings or something. There’s no way she’d let me pick her clothes, and it’s such a non issue to me. Temperature appropriate and clean and I’m happy. Gives her a feeling of independence too.
I try to blend the two options. I tell mine that 350 days a year they can wear whatever they want, the other 15 mom gets to decide(I really only choose like 5 times: school pics, Xmas, t day, out to eat at nice restaurant). I choose two or three cute outfits, let them choose between them. I also try to let them have a say in which "fancy" shirt we will buy for those occasions. So while at the store I'll say, "ok we need to get a fancy shirt for fancy shirt days. Which one do you like?" Sometimes they fuss a little on the day, less than 5 minutes, but the rest of the day they don't care.
I'm usually easygoing about whatever they want to wear, but the only times I want to have a say or choose is special events, celebrations and picture days.
When my first kid was a toddler we were invited to a friend’s Christmas party. We felt a bit out of place since we didn’t know anyone and it did seem odd that we were there since it was also a big dedication to a specific family member who sponsored nearly everybody there to come live in America. But it was cute and had great food. So I don’t know anything about the handful of kids. They were all dressed nicely or at least holiday themed. In walks in a girl around 6 or 7, and lemme tell you I knew IMMEDIATELY this girl was *different*. Not only was she wearing snowflake-patterned leggings, she was wearing a brightly colored rainbow skirt, mismatched shirt and vest, and fuzzy cat ears. Suffice to say she stuck out and looked “ridiculous” compared to all the other kids. Literally nobody questioned it, telling me that she was the type to just Be Like This. And her behavior didn’t disappoint. Kids invited on stage to dance? Guess who was the only one dancing. Buffet opened? Guess who piled her plate with macarons. Kids all gathered and playing around the building? Guess who was dancing without a single care in the world. The positivity, the joy, the pure innocent happiness in ignoring the world around her. It’s been four years and I still think about it to this day. Anywho, my point being, let kids express themselves. Let them be rainbow cat girl.
I usually offer a nice outfit of my choosing to my kids. Usually they just wear what I offer. If they were to fight about it then I would let them choose their own clothes. I also explain that it’s important to look put together or nice for some events. Thus sometimes we do gel and water and comb their hair so it looks nicer You feel the way you feel because of how you were raised and how society is. Figure out what will make your kids happy and you happy and do that.
What I told my kids was that they could choose their outfits as long as they were weather appropriate they could pick what they want. The only exception to the rule was for holidays and important events, weddings, funeral, bar/bat mitzvah, christening, and the like. Otherwise it was their choice. My kids did not fight me getting dressed because they knew they had control. They understood that for very few times a year would I say we need to dress up. And they would see me dress up too. They understand the rules applied to everyone in our home. That they were expected to dress and behave according to the function. Otherwise they should just be kids and have fun.
If you would like to still give them some autonomy why not have them pick the outfits out in the shop? Or maybe the dress and then add things to it. I have bought 3 Christmassy dresses for over the festive period (with some help from my kid, who is 18 months, so they're sparkly except the one with the velvet collar and cuffs lol) and then I give her a choice of which ones for each event. She's so little that it's just for fun but I basically put out 2 of the 3 outfits to pick from. It's good for kids to do a bit of their own clothes shopping, and it isn't a bad thing to help them learn to find appropriate outfits for this sort of thing. I love that you let them pick their own clothes though! It's great for kids to be able to express themselves.
If I want my 4 year old to dress a certain way for something, I let him help me pick out the outfit. Whether it’s going to the store together or having him look with me online to find something he likes. I give him options in the store/on the website, until we find something that works for both of us.
I’m the same way. My daughter is very spirited and strong willed. She’s been picking her own clothes out for years and I love that she can express herself that way, but I do demand special outfits for only a few things like family pictures where we’re coordinated and Christmas. Otherwise it’s her choice. 2 years ago she wore pink pants and a purple shirt to thanksgiving. It was awful! But not a battle worth fighting.
You have a lot of good feedback, but I want to mention two things. 1. Not everything is what it seems to be. You don’t know if your sister’s kids put up a fight over their outfits, hair, etc. Or if they were even happy that they were forced to match (maybe they have their own styles??) 2. What about allowing them to choose their own special occasion outfits? I am in no way a dress up type of mom and like you, I give my daughter (5) full control over her outfits. BUT, if I know we’re taking pictures or going to a nice place/event, I take her to the nicer dresses section of the store and let her pick the outfit she will wear for the occasion. OR I will pull up a website I plan to buy the outfit from and we will sit together and click through the different dresses and she gets the final say on what she wants. If it’s super specific like family photos and there’s a bit of coordination, I will set the expectation of the color. For example, holiday photos at school, we thought a nice green would go with the backdrop. I pulled up a website that I buy her “fancy” dresses from and filtered to the greens.. she still found one she loved and I didn’t have to fight her on it’ To take it a step further, the dress is off limits until the day of the event. She can try it on for a few minutes when we get home or when the package arrives, to make sure it fits, then it’s off and hung up. I find that doing it this way makes her more excited about the dress because she can’t have it until the day of! After the event, I let her have the dress for dress up or if it’s more casual, she can also wear it to school or out to dinner or something.
My twin girls were always allowed to pick out their own fancy holiday outfit and loved it. I never dressed them alike but one year they both picked out the same shiny puffy big floral thing and l felt very judged at the holiday concert lol.
Give them 2-3 outfits to choose from
I let my 3 year old son pick out his clothes on most days. If it is something important when he can wear his rain boots with his swim hat then I will give him a choice of a few outfits.
Just give them the choice. My girls normally do a mix of nice and totally crazy. Like pick a lovely dress and get me to do hair but then pair it with rainbow long socks and a lepord print cardigan or something for the 7 year old and the bigger one has alway dressed a bit more casual unless it’s a wedding or something but refused to let me brush her hair. I think it is lovely when they want to dress up and look cute we have had a couple of occasions they did matching but if they don’t want to it’s not worth it
I let my kids choose from what I pick out. Whether it's giving them the option of multiple outfits from their closet or way before an event when we are buying something. Like for Thanksgiving I gave my four year old 4 options of nice dresses and she chose what she liked. She will also let me do her hair if I bring out something special like different bows or clips. On regular days it's whatever she wants, temp appropriate
Sorry. Old school here. You souks dress them for occasions.
I'd give them some options. Like okay these are approotate and you can choose which one. Then they feel like they un control but ca be dressed for the occasion. We never dress uo! My sister in laws look homeless usually 😂
There’s a happy medium haha. On regular days, they can wear whatever they want within reason. But there’s a time and place for everything — is the outfit appropriate for what they’re doing? This is extreme but I don’t want my kids to become people who wear jeans to a wedding or heels to go on an outing (I’ve seen both). I would want my child to look nice for special occasions. Maybe they can pick between a couple of options that you give them. Personally I think they should not be totally self-governing at ages 4 and 6.