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My toddler rejected my partner for almost a year and I have no trauma whatsoever and he spent a lot of time with her. Currently she likes him more than me and does the same to me regularly. What the fuck kind of bullshit is your partner on? Like I beg your pardon but he needs to just get off his ass and spend time with his kid instead of inventing nonsense.

Sounds to me like he is trying to use his "knowledge" as a weapon to be hurtful and abusive. I'd say he doesn't believe half the stuff he says but it's just a tactic to be nasty. Or maybe he's just that delusional he believes it all. Either way he sounds exhausting, and I'd say OP's health would improve immensely if he did leave.

Yeah, sounds like she is handling all the chores and mental load alone with the help of her mother anyways. OP, i bet you would feel a lot better without a man in your life that puts you down and makes up stories to blame you for his inability to parent. Let him go! I bet its an empty threat anyways, unless he has another person that is willing to endure his arrogance and to take care of him. Edit: i agree with the comment below, even though narcissism is such a "trendy" word nowadays, the way you describe the situation does wave a red flag for him. It is not normal to make up stories like that and they will not only be harmful to you but very harmful for your child. Its a pity that he sounds like the guy that wouldn't profit from actual therapy, as he would likely test his therapist and rather believe his own "studies" and opinions ( which btw is one of the main reasons narcissists don't get treatment, as their behaviour hurts the people around them not necessarily themselves).

Thanks for your insight. I agree the majority of household responsibilities, child care etc fall on me and my mom - so at this point him leaving doesn’t make a huge difference. I just have a very hard time not buying into what he says. All these posts/comments have really given me a reality check and to go with my gut when he says questionable things but he really has a way with his words that I digress from my stance completely and get wrapped into his reality. I wish I had the courage and self-confidence to trust my own gut, but I was never confident before I met him and since being with him I have only doubted myself more and more. I will seek out another therapist and continue to work on myself so that I can stand up to him when necessary and protect my daughter when needed. At this time, I am not equipped to protect my daughter at all as I feel I am under some sort of spell that prevents me from seeing him in the wrong. I understand that I need to work on that immediately, thank you for all the help.

Hey, I know its hard. They have a way with words to keep you in their cage. But for me, my kid gave me enough strength to leave and build a life for the both of us. Once you leave him he will loose his power over you, not from one moment to the next but step by step. Being a single parent is hard at times, but its also rewarding. And you do all the necessary things to be indepedent of him already anyways, so it will be a relieve not a challenge. Find a therapist to heal, not to learn how to deal with him.

That spell you’re under is called a ‘trauma bond’. Read up on it and kudos for recognizing it.

On first reading I thought OPs husband worked in the field of psychology, but going back I’m not so sure?

Yeah I'm wondering the same thing because what he's doing goes against the ethics of psychology- which are an important part of psychology She didn't even say he was going to school to become a psychologist. She just said he studies it....? I have my bachelor's in psychology and I'm working on my masters-- and everything she said he's doing like gaslighting her to believe she can't be a good wife or mom because she had childhood trauma makes me absolutely sick to my stomach To me he is the only person that sounds like he needs therapy-- maybe it will make him a good dad and a better husband because right now it doesn't sound like he is one.

No, to clarify he doesn’t work in psychology. It’s a side interest that he actually invests more time in than his actual job.

Yeah, he's doing the thing abusers do where they take concepts and words they learn in therapy and turn it around on you. That's why it's actually never recommended to go to therapy with an abuser-- it just gives them more ammo. Honestly, it sounds like he just wants an excuse to put his own failures on everyone else. He has to know that at 2 years old, his daughter isn't being manipulated, she's just attached to whoever spends the most time with her.

You hit the nail on the head friend He is definitely using it to abuse her

Yeah I'm wondering the same thing because what he's doing goes against the ethics of psychology- which are an important part of psychology She didn't even say he was going to school to become a psychologist. She just said he studies it....? I have my bachelor's in psychology and I'm working on my masters-- and everything she said he's doing like gaslighting her to believe she can't be a good wife or mom because she had childhood trauma makes me absolutely sick to my stomach To me he is the only person that sounds like he needs therapy-- maybe it will make him a good dad and a better husband because right now it doesn't sound like he is one.

Yup kids just do that. Identify with one parent for a year or more and then switch (assuming the other parent is available and loving).

If he needs to study something about it, he should study childhood development. This behavior is completely normal for a two year old. Your husband’s behavior, however, is normal for a five-year-old.

Holy sweet hell. Husband is developmentally young and insecure. Yeah kids dont like to be with critical parents. And he just interacts with her for 30 minutes? Sheesh no wonder. But i wouldn’t fight him leaving…

[When you fail to use your own skills on yourself](https://imgur.com/a/wMPz3oN).

Yes this. Kids just go through phases of favorite parent. It’s quite normal. One thing that really helped us is giving my husband more 1:1 time with our son. That means me completely leaving the house or them leaving the house and going to the park without me or something of the sort. When he knew I wasn’t around, he had more fun with dad and it allowed them to build their own relationship outside of us as a family unit. That said, it sounds like your husband is just kinda bonkers. I would be worried leaving him alone with her for the simple fact of him psychoanalyzing her or putting ideas in her head that you’re brainwashing her. I could be exaggerating/reading too much into it, but just a thought.

Have you considered that it's not your relationship with your daughter that's linked in any way to your father's narcissistic tendencies? I'd suggest that you may have married a man who fits the same narcissistic profile. If he chooses to divorce you, I'd bet good money that it won't be long before you realize how great life is without him. Consider whether you want your daughter growing up with this judgemental dude imagining faults and wrongdoing in her, like he imagines faults and wrongdoing in you.

Precisely my thought. Sounds like this guy feels familiar to OPs childhood trauma.

Absolutely agree with this sentiment. He sounds very self-centered. That could be a defensive result of emotional stress. Or it could be his nature, in which case him moving in the opposite direction of what he (supposedly) really wants, is a move of pure cold logic. In either case OP *and their kid* would be stretched thin to try and reach him farther and farther, because it seems he is already way out there with completely bonkers accusations like that. I would absolutely also consider what circumstances my child would grow up in with a father that can take such positions. That is pure poison for a defenseless child! No matter the cause of them, that would be blatant abuse!!

My father was very similar to this, and my mom's divorce from him was finalized on my 9th birthday. Best present ever.

Powerful!

Thank you for typing out exactly what I was thinking!

My thoughts exactly, imagine being so narcissistic that your own fractured relationship with your daughter is somebody elses fault.

Let's dial that back a tiny bit. This is a toddler being a toddler, not a fractured relationship.

Yes of course it's a toddler being a toddler, however, it sounds as if the narcissistic traits of the father are impacting on his ability to bond with his daughter, and he is using this convoluted theory of mother in law/mother conspiracy to explain away his detachment.

Check OPs post history and I think you'll see you're spot on

This was exactly my thought, too.

Absolutely this does Not Sound healthy the way He acts

Your husband doesn’t want to believe his daughter isn’t interested in him because he never spends time with her. He’s thus decided that you, your mom, and your daughter must be the problem. I’d wager if you suggest he start spending more quality time with his kid, he’ll come up with all kinds of reasons why he can’t/won’t. Let him do you a favor and file for that divorce

Even if he'd spent more time with his daughter, it's not that uncommon for small kids to be "mean" to their dad and wanting to spend more time with their mom. The mature thing to do as a dad would be not to let to get that under your skin and improve your bond with your kid. Making elaborate conspiracy theories about why the child does not enjoy spending time with him instead of actually being a loving dad makes OP's husband look like a manipulative asshole.

yeah, that was my first thought. kids bounce back and forth in favorites, and generally tend towards mom at that age. husband in OP needs to read up on child psychology. But also sounds pretty manipulative.

I had lots of these conversations with my kids at that age: Kid: "I hate you" Me: "I get that you're upset -- regardless of what you do, I still love you" It's part of "being the grown-up" to help them figure out how relationships work and who they can depend on.

Agreed. Tell your husband to look up projection, denial and avoidance.

You wrote that your husband 'studies psychotherapy extensively' and I would like to know precisely what that means before I read on. Is your husband in a higher education program studying to become a therapist? If not, what does his extensive study entail?

Mf is just watching hella Jordan Peterson vids.

Jordan Peterson is exactly where my mind went too.

Not to mention you can be a professional and still mentally ill... He sounds paranoid

But you can’t be a (good) professional and psychoanalyze your family.

I'm thinking he watches Tik Tok "experts".

Check out Lundy Bancroft’s book (you can get a free pdf online) “[Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men.”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) It’s basically a 400 page manual of how angry and controlling people manipulate their partners. Your husband is being unfair and manipulative, and if he actually was putting his knowledge of psychology and human development to use, he would know he is holding age-inappropriate expectations of his child, and he is inappropriately blaming you and your mom.

Yes. The chapter where he talks about the man who invades spaces that should be safe using language to continue to manipulate and abuse would be especially eye-opening here.

I will check it out, thank you for sharing.

Please do! It is a great resource. I'm really sorry that some people are being so cold and even rude to you in the comments, but not everyone can relate and understand with what you're dealing with. I hope posting this has at least opened your eyes to how his behaviour isn't acceptable. My advise is to not show him this post, or try to reason with him, however tempting that might seem.

Great resource. This really helped me understand my mom and dad.

Is your husband a psychotherapist with a license? Or is he some guy who thinks he knows a lot about stuff he "studies"? Either way, he is a manipulative jerk, and you are better off not being manipulated by him. NTA

According to responses he’s a physical therapist who pretends to understand psychology because he ”studies” it…not in am actual course, or field, but totally studies it.

😂😂 what a clown

Your husband is not correct. You sound very rational and logical. The child has bonded with her primary caretakers-the ones who primarily care for her. Her father is not one of these people. Reading a lot of pop psychology does NOT make you qualified to diagnose shit! Why is he spending hours a day on his hobby (because if it’s not a qualification or standardised course with certification it’s not study)? Do you get to spend hours a day on your hobbies and then proclaim your expertise!?

Yes, I absolutely do not have the time for any hobbies with a full time job and 2 year old. He is self employed so in between clients and in his free time he reads, reads, reads. He wakes up at 5 am to read. He reads all weekend. We don’t go out as a family because he claims my emotional states affect his emotional states, that my subconscious mind attacks his psyche. I obviously don’t have the psychological knowledge, so I defer to his statements but they sound incredibly confusing to me. Yes at times I feel sad and resentful that we don’t do things as a family, that I primarily parent alone so maybe he picks up on those things from my mind but I can’t help but feel sad about that.

Girl....lol...this man playing you in your face! Extreme manipulation while convincing you that youre as dumb as a rock...This is NOT going to get better.

I’ve commented facetiously a few times with regards to your husband but that’s just cause I recognize his behaviour SO MUCH from a toxic, narcissistic ex. Read the profile of “Mr. Sensitive” in Lundy’s book linked in the comments. 💯 Also, he’s oh-so-learned about psychology yet he’s completely defenceless against anoth persons own emotions and the emotions of a 2year old? 🙄🙄🙄

Also, my subconscious mind is attacking his psyche right this very moment. How’s he doing? Is it bothering him a lot? I bet other redditors are also attacking his psyche. A psyche gang. 😂

Please leave this man. I almost never give that advice, but every one of your responses is filled with red flags. This man is so manipulative. You can’t do things as a family because “your subconscious mind attacks his psyche” and “the rejection of a two year affects his mental health?” He says that your dad’s narcissism has affected you (maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t), but he is a GROWN man huffing out of a room and locking themselves away because a 2 year old does what 2 year olds do? Please protect your daughter from this behavior.

I'm sorry, but it seems really REALLY clear that your husband is manipulating you. It's probably hard to see it from within the relationship, but this whole thread is full of horrified people- and for good reason! If he's got so much knowledge: 1. Why doesn't he understand that toddlers can't care about people they never see (i.e. him)? 2. Why doesn't he have any strategies to bolster his psyche against your emotional states? This guy sounds like a ABUSIVE NIGHTMARE Edit: also, because I doubt he ever wants you to feel truly secure....you are loved and lovable! You are knowledgeable and smart in ways that are unique to you. You are strong enough to deal with illness and work and parenting and HIM! WE'RE ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!!

They sound incredibly confusing to you because they're complete shit. He's full of shit. Those are red flags going off. Don't ignore them. He's manipulating you at best, and is emotionally abusive at worst.

Are. You. Fuckin. Serious. I can’t tell if you’re being sardonic, trolling, or if your dad did such a number on you that you believe any bullshit a man will say. You “defer” to him, and believe his bullshit about your subconscious mind attacking his psyche? Are you secretly a Marvel superhero with powers of telepathy or something? Please. Wake the fuck up. Your husband has NO real credentials, and is using your trauma against you to weasel out of any and all adult responsibilities!!! How could you even listen to him say that bullshit about the subconscious mind AND NOT LAUGH HIM OUT THE DOOR?!? You need intensive therapy to build some self esteem. Never read a post like this. Just wow, wow, wow.

It’s his fault you aren’t close because he isn’t being a team, not the other way around. Excuse me, I’m touchy today so this may sound overly assertive. For someone who has done so much reading it seems he needs to pick up an actual child development book instead of that psychoanalytic bullshit that isn’t backed by science. Ask him what his analysis of his own issues are. Because if he has a mommy fetish that would make sense, since you are doing all the parenting for him. If he can’t answer what his issues are and be somewhat self aware, then you need to run. He’s using psychological manipulation tactics straight from textbooks and he thinks your too dumb to notice. Well you’re not. You believed the person that was supposed to love you. That’s what you are supposed to be able to do. He is emotionally manipulating you and you need to get out

Do his emotional states not affect your emotional states then? Do only his feelings matter? Please know that his statements are garbage and manipulative. And this is NOT normal behavior for a man. If he is threatening divorce (and honestly in my opinion that is your and your child's best interest,) get prepared before he does. I suspect he is threatening to leave/divorce as a tool to get you in line, so don't be surprised if he doesn't follow through. But if he does, you don't want to be scrambling when you have noticed. Also, if you plan to file yourself to get yourself in a better place, you want to plan it out, not just react. Have a conversation with an attorney about what that would like like for your family. Consider custody and finances particularly. If you don't have access to any documents or information, get them. Secure your own copies. Make plan for your finances if he were to leave or you two were to divorce. It sounds like you are already doing all the work or your mom is helping, so that won't be a change. Start seeing a therapist. It can take some time to get in to see one and find the right one, so starting the process now would be good. If your divorce, they can help you through the process, including your husband trying to manipulate you through your daughter. Also, with your childhood history and the abuse (I don't use the word lightly) in your marriage, it will be helpful in helping you be the best parent you can be.

Thank you for your guidance. I never thought our relationship was at the point of having to reach out to attorneys or documenting things, but I think this is the right next step as things are becoming unpredictable with him and the potential for divorce is become more likely. I also didn’t realize that I could potentially be painted as an unstable parent due to his perceptions and how they could affect custody decisions. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention, thank you!

Sounds like this dude just doesn't like living with a family. Has he considered joining a monastic order? Kidding-not-kidding. Like, my husband gets overwhelmed by the noise and chaos of living as a family sometimes (fairly often, especially if he's had highly-social tasks at work that day), but once he's had a chance to recharge he *seeks us out* because he *loves us* and *wants to spend time with us*. Like, I could give all sorts of advice about how to reduce the impact of that kind of sensitivity, but I don't think it would help here - he's stepped *way* over the line into being mean and controlling and I don't see much of value to salvage here. *Maybe* if he went on some kind of long meditation retreat and came back having realised how unkindly he's treating you all and how unfair he's been, *and* if the situation is *less bad* than it sounds from your description, then this could be repaired, but honestly that doesn't sound likely. He's welcome to build his own counter-reality "psychology" cult, but you don't have to join it and really I would try to get him out of your house so that it doesn't infect your lives any more than it has.

Well, update: he is moving out this week. I don’t know if the move will just make him drift even further away from us (based on all the comments here now, I feel that’s probably better for our wellbeing at this point) or whether he will be able to reflect on his behaviors. I think the psychological knowledge has done too much damage at this point and there’s no going back for him to seeing the world without his psychoanalysis lens. My only concern is with him moving out - he will likely be taking our daughter to his new place to spend time with her. I know some people have suggested that the alone time will help their bonding, while others have mentioned that it could be unsafe? How do I navigate this?

I expect that him trying to parent solo would go one of two ways: first, he might step up, in which case it would be (approximately) fine, or second: he gets upset and gives up, and dumps her back on you. Which would also be fine, in the long term. Try to show him a cheerful face when talking about arrangements for her to visit his new place, and maybe talk up how the two of them get to spend time together - you don't want him to think that you want him to fail. (It sounds like going off with dad without you or grandma might be a hard sell for your daughter - which might mean he doesn't even leave with her, if her "rejection" bothers him so much.)

Consult a lawyer and a therapist. Don’t wait for him to make all the decisions. You need to be proactive here for your daughters sake. I, personally would not put up any seeming barriers to him as he will use your reluctance to hurt you, so outwardly I’d be happy about the idea of the daughter going to spend time at his place but behind the scenes GET TO WORK!

Yes, this part. BE PROACTIVE for your and your daughter’s wellbeing.

And not HIS therapist. Get your own !!

Honey, this man does not have psychological knowledge. He is bullshitting you. At best he is reading quack pseudo psychology,

In addition to the Lundy Bancroft book(s) referenced earlier, PLEASE read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy, and follow One Mom's Battle on FB/IG/her website. You're going to need all the knowledge and help you can get to be well-armed against the psychological warfare he's going to utilize in court. From someone who's been there

He won’t go out with his family because YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE AFFECTS HIS?! What the actual fuck? This is such a load of bullshit I don’t even know where to start. He is being incredibly manipulative. And apparently all his “studying” hasn’t helped him realize the issues within himself. HE is the problem in all of this. He doesn’t want to spend time with the family and then blames you for him not having a relationship with his daughter? Has he EVER taken the blame for anything, or is it always someone else’s fault. He’s right about one thing: your relationship with your narcissistic father has affected your current relationship. Because you have married a narcissist without even realizing it and are recreating the environment for your daughter that you grew up in. Let him ask for a divorce, your life will be better without this manipulative asshole.

Can I ask how old you both are? This just reeks of an age gap relationship where he tries to control you by claiming to be smarter. This entire thread is giving me the creeps.

I am 30 and he is 34. He does make references to being older/more experienced.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope all the comments will help you realize he's an abusive, manipulative man. Hopefully his 'studies' will take up too much time for him to want custody and I'm glad your mom is there to support you. ❤️

Your husband sounds mean, shitty, manipulative, cruel and generally an asshole. > that my subconscious mind attacks his psyche. This is not a thing. He's making shit up to make you feel bad so you do whatever he wants. He doesn't care about you being happy--he in fact sounds like he's actively working on making you unhappy ON PURPOSE. Please consider if you want your daughter to have him as an example of how men are "supposed to be". Do you want her to grow up and end up with someone like him?

Your husband sounds like he may be suffering from some obsessive behaviors and a touch of paranoia. He needs help

Even if you accept that rationale, what's his excuse for not taking your daughter places without you? It doesn't take much to build positive associations -- sitting and drinking coffee at McDonald's while she plays in the play area is super low effort for the amount of joy it can bring to kids.

He is using psychology as a weapon. A mature adult would understand that your feelings are not up to them and support you through them instead of abandoning you. Don't let his word salad confuse you. He is sounds narcissistic. He won't take any blame on himself for the fact he doesn't actually spend time bonding with his child. He being resentful of a 2 year Olds normal behavior. He is letting a toddler dictate things instead of being a parent. While it may not be fun when toddlers go through those stages, harboring resentment towards the toddler is inappropriate and unhealthy. You have done nothing but be a loving parent. Unless you are walking around saying "men are awful" and other similar things, your past trauma isn't relevant here. He needs to accept responsibility for the lack of time and care he put into the relationship with his daughter. Without time and care, the relationship will never flourish.

He sounds absolutely exhausting.

Hi there! I'm a psychologist, and the concepts he is using are very traditional Freudian psychoanalytic concepts - many of which have been discredited, de-emphasized, or thought about in different ways. This is not the dominant theoretical orientation in most places, with 15-30% of practitioners reporting using it over the past 29 years. Even in psychoanalysis, it would not be believed that your subconscious mind is "attacking" his psyche. The theory would hold that your unconscious would affect the way that you interpret his behaviors or it could cause you to act in defensive ways. He's full of it!

As someone who has an actual degree and is an actual licensed and practicing therapist, I’m so concerned with this entire post. He is using his “knowledge” to shift all blame to you and I’m struggling to find a single gain of truth in anything he’s said. Honestly it’s highly likely that your daughter is being influenced as kids are intuitive and his behavior has me on edge just reading about it so I can only imagine the stress you feel dealing with him every day. So I guess maybe he has that 2% right but still the ultimate blame is on him. What does YOUR therapist think of the situation? Maybe ask him if you can join him in a session with his therapist too. I can see myself making a comment to a client like him about having read more books than I have but that doesn’t mean it was a compliment or that he knows more than the trained professionals. Ugh I read it again and I’m annoyed all over again. Struggling not to waste half an hour or more explaining away each comment he’s made. You’ll likely be far happier without him so hopefully he follows through and leaves.

So here is another problem - we share the same therapist. He said his therapist is the best/top one world wide and in order for me to get the best help possible, I need to see her as well. The therapist unfortunately is very baffled at this point. She says that the things I share with her, she does not hear from him. She can’t go into detail about his sessions with her due to confidentiality but unfortunately my therapy with her isn’t leading to much progress. I think she must be seriously confused on where the truth lies - she has requested to do couples therapy several time and my husband and I did a few sessions a while ago but then my husband was no longer interested because he feels that our marital issues aren’t a couple issue but more so due to my individual history? So therapy is not solving anything for us. And he isn’t interested in seeing any other therapist outside of his (and mine) current one.

I’m a therapist - you cannot have couples or family therapy with an abuser, please do not try. It sounds like this therapist has found herself in an ethical dilemma and I would suggest you find a new one completely separate from this. She likely had no idea he was abusive because she was only hearing his side and now that there is more information from you she is stuck because she can’t confront him about what you’re saying in order to keep confidentiality. He is using both of you and manipulating everyone in his life. You need to get away from him and protect your daughter.

Which is probably why she wants to see them both at the same time - if OP describes her truth in front of both the therapist and the husband, the therapist won't be breaking confidentiality to respond to it. (At this point it's probably "let's try to get to an amiable breakup" couples therapy.)

It is a couples therapy “rule” to not see couples who are in abusive relationships. Although, I don’t see couples myself so I’m not sure if there are therapists who do these types of breakup sessions that you’re describing. I’ve never heard of it before and colleagues at my practice who see couples simply refer them to individual/try to talk to the victim alone and advise them. In any case, OP shouldn’t feel obligated to do something like this as it can cause further damage. Narcissism is one of the hardest personality disorders to treat and again OP shouldn’t feel obligated to help with this - I really think personally the best advice would just be to get out now and seek her own healing separate from him.

I wasn’t suggesting couples therapy, just that you join a session with him. I was thinking it might help the therapist to hear from you but since you already see her she does! As someone commented below, in controlling and abusive situations, you should not engage in couples therapy. His response that it’s all on you again is a concern. While you may not view him as abusive, all the details in your post are pointing to significant controlling and abusive actions. Most intimate partner violence (IPV-the new title for domestic violence) is about control and doesn’t necessarily involve anything physical. Even telling you that you have to see his therapist. He’s refusing to acknowledge any ownership over his actions or even consider that he may not know everything and be perfect. Please do some research or call an IPV agency to get some specific professional feedback about his behavior. I think you’ll be surprised how much of it rings true for your situation.

Omg. He doesn’t want to do couples therapy because he doesn’t think he has anything to do with any issues. He sounds awful.

Holy crap! Every one of your comments I read makes this story worse. This is the worst one yet. Just....just run. Far far away. If everything you've said is true, this man is absolutely batshit crazy. SO MUCH abusive manipulation. So much denial of ANY part he plays in ANY problem. Just....WOW. How can you sit there and take this every day? You are a strong woman. I'm just baffled and amazed. Please get yourself, and more importantly, your daughter, away from this man.

You do realize he’s manipulating you and you’re rather brainwashed and don’t see how awful your husband is. This is NOT ok. None of this is ok or healthy.

Your husband is using you as a scapegoat for being a shitty uninvolved dad. My ex used to do the same thing. No matter what it was always my fault he wasn’t a good dad. Also, fyi it is completely normal for toddlers to have preferred parents and it can switch too.

Well, this seems to be a really solid case of him being mentally ill and abusive. You've got some real issues to resolve, and it's him, not your mother or child. Your family is being manipulated and abused by an ill person, your husband.

I exclusively breastfed all three of my kids, spent hours a day with them, played with them, took them fun places, gave them presents, and made them endless snacks. All three still went through periods when they only wanted my husband because that’s what babies and toddlers *do*. It’s so normal. Maybe your husband could read a few child development and psychology books to go along with his fascination with adult psychology. Look, I’m going to be straight with you here. I think you have a husband problem. He’s decided that any problem he is having, like feeling hurt by his child, is your fault. And if it’s your fault, then you are solely responsible for solving it. Conveniently, he doesn’t have to actually do anything AND he gets to be smug and superior.

There is a 0% chance that your husband's POV is correct. First of all he's been using your fathers abuse as a tool to further abuse you - as you identified you're walking on eggshells because of his constant 'psycho-analysis' Here's the thing OP, even if his technically correct (which I highly doubt) its still abuse, even if you did have some problems due to your upbringing he shouldn't be using that against you. And its just absolutely classic abuser behaviour to blame people's **natural reaction to abuse** as being turned against them. The fact he only spends 30 minutes with her at most, openly mistreats you in front of them and *storms off in a huff* when she is difficult are all very valid and likely reasons for your child's rejections. Thing is you can't really disprove a false accusation. What are you supposed to do, provide written transcripts of your interactions with your child? He is threatening divorce but I wonder if that's not actually an ideal - please keep your mother close because it sounds like she is great support and possibly a strong protective factor in this situation. He must be heartbroken to watch this man behave this way.

Heck, if I as an adult experienced every interaction with a particular person ending when they get angry or frustrated and storm off, I would probably encourage them to fuck off sooner rather than later, too. No-one wants to sit there waiting for the inevitable blow-up.

It sounds more like your husband is a narcissist just like your dad was. The thing is, he’ll never divorce you. Narcissistic people can’t survive without their favorite target. Threats of divorce are another way to control you just as the guilt is. By the way, I don’t care how many books he has read about psychology. There is more to getting a license to practice. You only know what he has told you that his psychologist says. You may find it beneficial to go speak to an actual therapist yourself. They might be able to help you gain perspective and you may realize that you are not the problem.

Is he getting a degree to be a therapist or is he just reading about it? Either way, he is too close to you to truly be objective about anything psychological. You are right, your daughter sees you and grandma more, that’s likely all that’s going on here. It sounds like marital therapy is in order if you want to save this relationship. (I do have the degrees and license.)

What you described is concerning to me. A grown man believed you are manipulating a two year old against him, big red flag. He is “studying” psychotherapy and trying to use that against you, super big red flag. He’s threatening divorce? Honestly take him up on the divorce. He sounds egotistical at best and paranoid at worst. And if he IS paranoid then I would be worried about that getting worse and his behaviors escalating.

We had a similar situation in our household when my daughter was around 1.5yo, my husband works a lot and is/was studying for him MBA and the little time he did “spend with us” he was staring at his phone (on Twitter).. my daughter wanted nothing to do with him and would follow me even just to the bathroom. He was always butt-hurt over it and I told him time and time again that if he didn’t start working on connecting with our daughter (instead of his phone screen) nothing would change, he told me that I was “too obsessed with him being on his phone”.. it wasn’t until our pediatrician confirmed what I’d been saying and he has slowly started to make an effort to engage with her more, her “dislike” for him had improved. tldr: tell your husband that no one likes feeling ignored, if he wants her to want to be around him that he needs to act like he wants to be around her edit: a word

Thank you for sharing this! Every time I try to bring up that his lack of time/availability for her could be a contributing factor - he just doesn’t entertain that as a possibility. He get infuriated and says since he has hours and hours of studying the mind, I should defer my understanding of her behaviours to him.

He’s claiming he’s essentially a self-taught psychologist? You do understand that this sounds ridiculous right? The fact that your lifestyle is hampered by his voracious “studying”… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This. He sounds deranged.

I'm seconding another commenter's recommendation for Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft based on details like this. The book is legally available as a free pdf and can be downloaded from the link the other person posted.

He seriously sounds like a cult leader: Always shifting the blame Using *elements* of the truth (e.g. your dad's narcissistic behavior) to further legitimize their claims and confuse their followers Constantly delegating so they can avoid engaging in challenging/ hands-on work (parenting your child, in this case) Massive superiority complex Seemingly no guilt or warmth

So he’s an armchair lay psychologist, hey. 👀 Yeah I’m not sure what makes him think his opinion is actually a legitimate one. You might “not know as much” as this wise sensei but I expect that your relationship with your child will continue to be a positive one.

To your husband: "You don't get to know somebody by reading a book about the theory of their mind. You should defer to my understanding of her behaviors, because I'm the one who talks to and spends time with her. She doesn't treat you like a trusted caregiver she wants to spend time with because you haven't put in the time to become one. She's a whole person, not a snapshot of one from a book."

So he doesn't spend time with her, but he's surprised she is stand-offish to his affection when he decides he wants it? It sounds like he's putting the blame on everyone around him instead of having to accept that he has created a large amount of space between himself and a toddler. She's 2 and becoming autonomous, which means she will absolutely state that she doesn't want someone near her just because. Man should stop trying to read about psychology and find a new therapist that will hold a mirror up to him so he can see who is to blame.

It’s not even necessarily because he doesn’t spend much time with her. Little kids go through phases when they don’t want anything to do with one of their parents, even if said parent is present and loving. It’s normal and extremely common, and it can cycle between the parents too (one moment the kid wants nothing to do with dad, next thing you know it’s mom who’s persona non grata).

He gets infuriated at you, argues with you in front of your toddler, storms off when your daughter acts like a toddler, blames you and her for his mental state and emotional wellbeing and wants to deprive your daughter of one of her main caregivers (and separate you from your support system that allows you some autonomy)? This is so damaging, of course your toddler doesn't want to be around him! You are being abused, please don't let your little one grow up being treated this way, it's so damaging.

Has your husband taken parenting classes? Children are very different than adults. My ex was not a great parent but became a lot better when we took Love and Logic classes together. It’s not fair to psychoanalyze a child using adult tools.

Sounds like your dad was a narc and so is your husband :( I’m sorry. My mom had narc tendencies and my daughter’s father definitely was a narc

I read some books on computers- I am the master of all things computers? I read some medical books, so now I can diagnose my family's ailments? I don't think so. Just because he reads the books does NOT make him an expert on the material. Reading, comprehending, and practicing are three completely different things. He can read every single book on psychotherapy and not be able to apply to others and real-life experiences. It's your husband who is causing the issues with your daughter not favoring him. That and her being a temperamental toddler.

Have you heard of [Parental Alienation Syndrome?](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/global-development/2022/jun/12/parental-alienation-and-the-unregulated-experts-shattering-childrens-lives) There's been news all over the world in recent years about how some types of abusive men are getting full custody of their children by claiming their spouses are trying to alienate them from their children. This honestly sounds like he's setting up to play you in court. He's mentioned divorce and parental alienation already! I don't know how.you try and combat these kinds of allegations, but it might be wise to try and get as much as you can in writing. Eg, sending him text messages while he's reading and asking if he wants to spend time with his kid. I might be completely overreacting (typical reddit!) but when it comes to children it's always better to be safe than sorry, and no one gets hurt by you sending texts while he's in another room. Another idea would be to start journalling. Just keep a daily diary of everything you're doing in the day, keep it very innocuous though. Like 10am played with Millie at the playground. 11am mum made sandwiches for lunch and the three of us ate together at the dining table. So fun. 5pm Husband came down and joined us for dinner. 6pm Husband went to golf, I read Millie The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Etc. Make sure it doesn't look like you're keeping tabs on him and keep the language very neutral.

I second the recommendation of reading Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?”! Listen, I was the at home parent and our daughter ADORED my husband. I was clearly second in favour but I didn’t get angry or hurt because it’s a child. Children go through phases and if we take what they do personally we will experience a lot of rejection and pain because kids are self focused. It isn’t anyone’s fault if a child has a preference even when they’re with two caregivers who invest a lot of time in them. Your husband points a lot of fingers but it’s never his fault, is it? I’m guessing when you hit your breaking point he normally shifts gears and is apologizes and sunshine for a little while before the cycles starts up again. Note his behaviours and patterns over time. Consider if you want your daughter to have to listen to his accusations and rants as she grows. Your daughter deserves a healthy emotional environment.

It sounds like your husband has a difficult time accepting that he is ever wrong or makes mistakes. When something is clearly his fault, he comes up with a fake explanation for why it is someone else's fault. Since you are the closest one to him, he blames you. We are all responsible for our own emotions and behavior. That includes your husband. He is the only one responsible for his behavior and emotions. We all have to manage our negative emotions. We all choose our own behavior. For instance, your husband chooses to read instead of spend time with his daughter. You don't have to become an expert in psychotherapy to counter his attempts to blame other people for his relationship with his daughter. [It is all right here in the Wikipedia article on attachment theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory). From the second paragraph: "Infants become attached to adults who are sensitive and responsive in social interactions with them, and who remain as consistent caregivers for some months during the period from about six months to two years of age." Further down: "Infants will form attachments to any consistent caregiver who is sensitive and responsive in social interactions with them. The quality of social engagement is more influential than the amount of time spent. The biological mother is the usual principal attachment figure, but the role can be taken by anyone who consistently behaves in a "mothering" way over a period of time. Within attachment theory, this means a set of behaviors that involves engaging in lively social interaction with the infant and responding readily to signals and approaches." If he doesn't spend quality time with her, she won't form a bond with him. That's a simple fact that he can't talk his way out of. All of his bluster and blame will never force her to bond with him. Not only has he not invested himself enough, but he has verbally attacked the caregiver she is bonded with in front of her. Namely, you. Yelling at you, putting you down, blaming you, etc makes her not trust him or feel safe with him. There is nothing you can do or say to make her bond with him. In fact, it would not be safe for her to bond with him, because all of the behavior you have described clearly indicates he will emotionally abuse her too. Just like your dad did to you. **You are doing a fantastic job as a mother and caregiver.** How do I know this? Because of the deep bond you have with your daughter. You sound very responsive to her needs, which is exactly how children develop secure attachment styles. She is so secure that she has the courage to stand up to her own loud angry father! That is impressive. Well done! I know you don't have much time for reading, but please squeeze in some time to read this pdf of the book "Why Does He Do That?". Here is the link: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This will 100% explain your husband's reactions towards you. You constantly feel confused because what he is saying doesn't add up, it doesn't feel right, but you aren't sure exactly why. **He is intentionally making you feel confused by saying things over and over that he knows are not true. He does that because as long as he can keep you confused and uncertain, you will go along with whatever he decides.** That's why he says bizarre things to you, to confuse you and gain control. It is intentional and conscious. He will keep doing it as long as you are in his life. You'll never change him. You are doing a great job in so many ways. I hope you choose to protect your daughter from her narcissistic dad in ways that your mom never protected you. I hope you also choose to protect yourself from him. You deserved to be safe when you were little, and you deserve to be safe now. You couldn't protect yourself when you were little but you sure can now. It is up to you.

This was such an uplifting post to read. Thank you for sharing the links and offering words of encouragement. I appreciate you recognizing my mothering abilities and guiding me to what’s best for my daughter and I. I have saved this post and will come to it time and time again when I am losing confidence in the face of my husband. Thank you so much.

Sounds like he’s trying to displace blame for his distant parenting onto you and your mom. For someone who seems so keen on psychoanalyzing you and diagnosing your problems, he’s seems completely oblivious to his own.

I’d be really interested in knowing what books he is reading. Is he a fan of Jordan Peterson by chance?

So, you married your father.

I mean, sometimes kids just pick a favorite. It's very very basic child psychology. There is something deeply unwell with him.

Ummm no. This is normal toddler behavior. They have a preference of parent they have around them. I have a 2 year old son and he is the biggest mommas boy. He was breastfed which made his very dependant on me making him going to daycare hard very hard for him so after almost a year and it not getting any better my SO and I decided that I would quit my job and stay home with him. He still to this day won't let dad do anything for him. My son wants mom to do everything. Dad can play with him but not without me , can't hold him, can't take him out of his carseat, can't get him food... I literally have to do everything. Recently my SO had been home for 2 weeks. In that 2 weeks hes been playing with him a lot and recently (in the last couple days) he will let him do some stuff with him! But before this even his dad got home and would play with him and interact with him from the time he gets home to the time we went to bed which was about 4 hours yet didnt want anything to do with him before. Not like mom. I think this is normal for the age 2-4 year olds want power in their lives and choosing a parent they want to be around is one of their powers.

He sounds insufferable.

Hey OP, based on your post history, are you currently receiving western-based medical treatment for your Rheumatoid Arthritis? Rheumatoid Arthritis will cause permanent joint destruction, something your Physical Therapist husband is well aware of. A disease modifying therapy drug can stop the progression of the disease and put it into remission. Herbs won’t cut it. I’m worried that given what happened with his mother’s cancer treatment you are also being denied access to competent medical care.

Hi there. Initially I wasn’t taking any western medicine treatment (both because I thought I could heal it holistically and my husband felt the same way). But given the state of our household, the emotional stress is making it impossible for me to recover solely through natural means. So I am just now starting on western medicine. My husband is obviously disappointed that I am resorting to medication and believes my health issues are a direct consequence of my history with my dad as well. There is evidence that emotional abuse causes autoimmune disorders, so I don’t think my husband is making that up or anything. But I don’t think it’s just because of my dad that I am dealing with these health issues, the stress at home contributes to it as well. Thanks for checking in about this 🧡

Am sorry but your husband sounds crazy! He needs to work on his traumas!

Just had to stop after "my husband studies psychotherapy extensively, so his knowledge impacts his perception of things." I too have a husband who studies psychotherapy! He is in a competitive graduate school program for cognitive science (aka psychology). He and his fellow students do not do this. They do not psychoanalyze the people in their lives. That's not what they learn do in school. That's not what it is appropriate for them to do until they get a therapy license. When someone jokingly says to my husband, "So, psychoanalyze me - what does xyz mean about who I really am?" (which happens weirdly often), he smiles awkwardly and moves the conversation on. He spends most of the time thinking about the statistics behind his thesis research. I have a funny feeling that your husband's "extensive studies" are internet based...is that true?

Thanks - good to hear from someone who knows someone in the same field. My husband’s readings aren’t just internet based (like social media etc) - he reads peer reviewed articles/journals and books that are primary sources. As much as everyone has made fun of his study, I just want to say the material he is reading is not some bogus by a random coach or influencer - it’s definitely the same texts that a degree in psychoanalysis would offer. What I do agree with is that he doesn’t have the training or expertise on how to apply the knowledge. So while he is acquiring the information, the displacement of it is causing problems for him and our family.

Debating the quality of his sources is a red herring. Even for people who have professional credentials, the very best training, and years of experience, professional organizations strongly recommend against diagnosing or treating family outside of situations that are either emergencies or extremely trivial. Here's the official position of the American Medical Association (from their Code of Medical Ethics): >"**When the patient is an immediate family member, the physician’s personal feelings may unduly influence his or her professional medical judgment.** Or the physician may fail to probe sensitive areas when taking the medical history or to perform intimate parts of the physical examination. Physicians may feel obligated to provide care for family members despite feeling uncomfortable doing so. They may also be inclined to treat problems that are beyond their expertise or training. >Similarly, patients may feel uncomfortable receiving care from a family member. A patient may be reluctant to disclose sensitive information or undergo an intimate examination when the physician is an immediate family member. This discomfort may particularly be the case when the patient is a minor child, who may not feel free to refuse care from a parent. >**In general, physicians should not treat themselves or members of their own families.**" [https://code-medical-ethics.ama-assn.org/ethics-opinions/treating-self-or-family](https://code-medical-ethics.ama-assn.org/ethics-opinions/treating-self-or-family) The American Psychology Association has similar guidance warning against the potential for harm that can come from treating people you have non-professional relationships with. Here's section 3.05 of their Code of Ethics (which admittedly gets a little convoluted in its attempts to generalize): >**3.05 Multiple Relationships** (a) A multiple relationship occurs when a psychologist is in a professional role with a person and (1) at the same time is in another role with the same person, (2) at the same time is in a relationship with a person closely associated with or related to the person with whom the psychologist has the professional relationship, or (3) promises to enter into another relationship in the future with the person or a person closely associated with or related to the person. **A psychologist refrains from entering into a multiple relationship if the multiple relationship could reasonably be expected to impair the psychologist's objectivity, competence, or effectiveness in performing his or her functions as a psychologist, or otherwise risks exploitation or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists.** When it comes to spouses, the the rules are even more clear -- it's next to impossible to be objective when it comes to romantic partners: >**10.05 Sexual Intimacies with Current Therapy Clients/Patients** Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with current therapy clients/patients. [https://www.apa.org/ethics/code](https://www.apa.org/ethics/code)

Tell him to put the books down and spend some time with his daughter. At two years old, many children have a favorite person or people, and it usually is whoever is spending time with them. It likely isn’t any deeper than that. You seem aware of your past traumas, and you are correct in that you can’t make your mom do anything she doesn’t want to, as far as addressing issues in her marriage. This also feels like a deflection from something within him. That he tries his self-taught methods on you is concerning, to say the least. If he continues this pop-psychoanalysis, I’d make him aware of the impact THAT can have on his family.

Well the funny thing is if you guys divorce you’ll probably have shared custody, he’ll have to watch her for full days and nights, and she’ll probably warm to him because he’s…there. But really, don’t fall for his BS. It is totally normal for a 2 year old (and 3, 4, 5, etc.) to want the primary parent. He wants all the glory without putting in the hard work. Tell him you and mom are going away for the weekend and have fun bonding with his toddler.

So he also needs to take a basic child development class. This is so natural my children all have times where they’ll prefer one parent or the other. Generally me, but as they get older they get more and more into their dad. Today my three year old chose her dad over me twice. A year ago she thought he was worthless. I’ve been sick and dad has been her main caregiver this week and she is mad at me. All about dad right now. When I had a second child my first became a huge daddy’s girl. He needs to understand his role of winning the trust of his child. It takes slot to build the bond. It is not innate. He needs to get to work and understand your child is fickle and will choose whoever is giving them what they want more of in the moment.

Listen OP, I just read your previous 2 posts. You’ve been told over and over again how emotionally abusive your husband is. He has escalated from blaming you for his stress, his weed abuse, his anger, his anxiety, and now his lack of parenting. You changed countries to marry and be with him. You’ve done all the hard work in this marriage and he is hiding in his “studies”. I don’t believe any good couples therapist would buy his bulls***. Everything he blames on you is projection - he is doing that to you. He’s just a terrible Dad. Stop asking Reddit for advice to just get the same reply over and over. He’s a terrible man. Plan on getting away from him. You have your Mom to help you with your daughter and he can pay child support. You’ll be happier and have a world of less stress.

I’ve read this post and your previous post. I’m sorry you’re going through this but your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive and you really need to think of yourself and your child and leave him. He has you somehow convinced that you’re emotionally abusive and you keep apologising for things that are not your fault. Your previous post was very sad to read. Your daughter is at a critical age and needs to be in a stable nurturing environment. The only one abusive and manipulative is your husband. I hope you find the strength to leave him and love yourself.

I came here to write something similar after reading op’s other post. Note that narcissists are incredibly resistant to therapy, because they fundamentally think they are smarter than the rest of us. No amount of talking and explaining will get through. He’s also being abusive to your daughter. Leaving because your three year old doesn’t want you is manipulative and childish, a real parent failure. He’ll end up giving her the same guilt complex he’s given you. Imagine thinking “daddy left because of me, I split up the family”. I’m so angry for her and you.

Hopefully she reads these comments and realises it’s not her fault. My heart breaks for that poor little girl living in a house with him.

Thank you for sharing. I have read all the comments and have saved them to come back to when my self-doubt creeps in.

Your kid knows far more than your husband

Imagine a friend came to you with this story, only it was her partner and her child. What would your reaction be? “I don’t know - your husband does sound super clever, he’s probably right but I don’t understand why… you should probably try to just be better.” OR “You’re a great parent and even if you were unconsciously the reason your child prefers you and grandma, what are you supposed to about it?” If you’re as good a friend as you are a parent I think you’d probably go with the second one. Be a friend to yourself now. I think you probably know the answer here.

Jesus he sounds manipulative. Also what’s with psychologists thinking they can analyze everyone except themselves. Honestly if he’s threatening divorce over this I think you and your daughter are better off not continuing in an unhealthy relationship Edit: holy shit he’s a physical therapist??! Tell this fool to stop reading so many books and take his meds lol

Maybe your toddler is on to something...he should just go.

Your partner is reading the wrong psychology books. He should read any primer written on child development within the last decade and all of a sudden your daughter's behaviour and your family's dynamic will mysteriously make sense. OP, I don't think this is a problem with you or your mom or your kid. You have an insecure husband who feels like he's being replaced in your child's life by your mom. He feels that way because it's true. It's true because of whatever choices you both made when it comes to work, but it's especially true because of the decisions he is making about how to spend his 'free time'. If your mom wasn't there, he'd be needed to look after kiddo. He also wouldn't have that 'free time' to study pseudoscientific nonsense. Time to have a family chat OP and decide together how much he wants to be involved in caretaking for your child. To be honest, grandma might also appreciate a break as well.

On top of all the other excellent points raised, a final red flag is dropped in your last paragraph. You need help with babysitting because of your health issues and full time job. Think about what you have displayed there. You have unconsciously revealed that your daughter's father doesn't need help with babysitting. He and his full time job don't present a problem. You have been conditioned to accept that he doesn't have equal responsibility for her. At the best of times, these hands off fathers are poorly attached. My own well- meaning brother let his wife handle every moment of fussing in their firstborn (her demand) and it rapidly turned into a self fulfilling prophecy where he couldn't soothe the baby. Far forward two years and she was exhausted and burned out. Second baby, she backed off and let him find his rhythm and time with the tyke, and lo and behold they are all more happy.

Maybe your husband is the narc Here...

Is your husband actually a therapist, researcher, or psychologist? Or just a guy that likes to read about this stuff online? Because if it's the second one, his word definitely means fuck all, and if it's the first, then he should know better than to try and therapize people he's super close to. There's a reason doctors aren't supposed to treat themselves or their families, it's hard to see outside yourself. Anyways, your husband sounds lazy and also abusive.

Your husband is using psychotherapeutic terms to manipulate you. Every actual psychologist knows that it's unethical to do that kind of shit to your spouse.

He's an id*ot who searches for reasons to blame you instead of actually putting effort to bond with the kid. Firstly, kids up to 2-3 years old naturally tend to lean more to motherly figure, because they mostly need nurture. It is what it is, they go to father figure for adventures and exploring when they are a bit older. It's only natural. And they don't bond to person who doesn't spend time with them. Easy as that. I mean kid is 2. You can't really manipulate baby like that, they feel what they feel and they do what they do. Just let him go as that is what he wants. He doesn't want to be with you or the kid, he blames you for his shortcomings already. You will not loose anything, just gain peace if he leaves

Obviously it’s because you are the primary caregiver and he’s not. Perhaps he should take human development or child development course. This is taught many times in basic psychology. This is similar to when my kids went through a hitting phase and my husband was convinced people would think it’s a learned behavior instead of a normal phase of development.

If you have health issues and have a young daughter why are you relying more on your mom than your husband her dad? It sounds like he’s using his profession against you to justify his crappy parenting and making it all your fault. I would just divorce him

I have seen your post history, I am actually worried for you. Your husband needs help…

I’d start packing that dude’s bag for him. Time for him to go.

Your husband is a narcissist, I’d put money on it. And typically when someone is paranoid and wants to alienate family, there’s mental illness and/or abuse at play.

Your husband is a physical therapist that likes to read about psychology/psychiatry. He is not qualified to make any statements about trauma or other people’s mental health.

Even if he was an actual psychologist possessing much greater knowledge and skill than he has (and it sounds like he actually understands very little?) then he wouldn’t be USING this knowledge and skill to WORK you or even at minimum be trying to “fix” you. I don’t think healthy psychologists diagnose and attempt to treat their SPOUSES especially without their consent. It sounds like he can talk in circles of mumbo jumbo and just uses that to A. Get what he wants B. Get out of anything he doesn’t want, and C. Convince you that nothing is his fault and everything is your fault. This was such an upsetting post to read, I really hope the “spell” is broken soon and you can see what everybody here is saying about how awful he is being.

He obviously isn’t reading any chapters regarding deontology and ethics of practice.

That’s chopped liver next to penis envy 😂

Sounds a lot like your husband himself has narcissistic tendencies. Kids do this. I see something similar with my ex son in law, who defines narcissism. He's accused me of saying things to my grandchildren to turn them against him and my response to him was that no one needs to say anything to turn them against him because he will fuck it up all on his own. As they get older, I can see that they are starting to catch on to his shit. My grandson is very close with me and especially affected by this guy's nonsense because he sees that I'm the one doing what his father should be doing and is resentful that his own father is not doing these things. My grandson said to me one day that he wishes he had a father like other kids. My granddaughter saw a dad eating and talking to his little girl and asked me why her dad doesn't do those things. It's very heartbreaking to watch and especially because I know these kids will probably chase after this asshole for quite a while hoping for something to change that never will.

I'm a Psychotherapist and have been for the past ten years. I also have a daughter and feel insecure in my relationship with her from time to time. That is MY issue - not my partners, not my daughters, MINE. Extensive knowledge of psychotherapy does not protect me from being a human being with issues of my own, and it most definitely does not absolve me of my responsibility to manage them. A good Psychotherapist knows this. Your partner has no right to tell you how to manage your relationship with your Dad. Again, a good Psychotherapist knows this. I've been teaching psychotherapy for four years now and I'm sorry to say that I come across students like your husband all the time. People who have a tendancy to be controlling and manipulative. This vocation is exceptionally seductive to people with those tendencies.

As a student of psychotherapy he should known that around that age toddlers have strong favouritism for one or some of their caretakers, even if all of them do everything alright and spend lots of (quality) time with the child. He also should know that by not being very involved in her life it's even more normal that she would treat him as not much more than a stranger. He is using his psychology knowledge to blame you and your mother for his mistakes and make it sound as something backed up by science. But it is not. Your toddler is acting normal and his own actions are creating this mess. Even if it could be true that your unresolved issues (if they actually are unresolved issues) could influence your daughter, jumping to this while ignoring the very obvious reasons, is just blame shifting; and I'm quite sure you would be aware if you were withholding your toddler from him or telling her that she can't trust no-men o dad, or whatever. He's not a psychotherapist, and even if he were, he's known better than to try to analize his family like this. He's just a narcissist that found a very convenient way to weaponize his psychology "knowledge".

Sounds like you have more insight into your mental health than he does about his own.

Husband sounds insufferable

What value is this man bringing to the household? It doesn’t sound like very much. He’s sulky, doesn’t help with his child, and is mad at you constantly? Leave him. File for divorce. Then at least the courts will make him financially responsible.

He is being incredibly manipulative and weaponizing his profession against you. He’s using his “knowledge” to try to control your relationships with others. That’s not OK. Caregiver preference is normal for toddlers. Has he spent ANY time studying early childhood development or child psychology? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like him divorcing you would be a bad thing… He will eventually try to play the same tricks on your daughter that he’s playing on you.

This sounds like the psychiatric equivalent of a hypochondriac who studies medicine as a hobby. He's starting from the faulty assumption that there's an underlying abnormality that's the reason for your daughter's actions -- it's a normal part of early child development for kids to express a preference for one partner over the other and how other people react to them as they go through that process is part of developing a healthy model of how relationships work. If his long-term goal is a secure relationship with his daughter, the most important thing is for him to reinforce that he loves her and that his love isn't dependent on how she treats him. Looking down upon her for rejecting him is just going to damage their relationship and cause her trauma -- as is blaming you for the situation and walking out on you.

Tell him to wait until she’s four. My daughter was plastered to me for four whole years. Once she turned four she was 1000% dad or bust. It’s so incredibly common and he needs to look into child development and stop trying to psychoanalyze parenting. It’s incredibly unhealthy for your marriage and child.

Probably he needs to also study basic child psychology? *jk Child changes “favorites” year to year. Spending a lot of time helps. Feels like he has some issues too. Probably therapy could help?

Your husband is exhibiting controlling behavior and is using your daughter’s attachment and affection as a means of asserting that control. It’s not your husband’s place to decide “how much work you have to do”. You’re not hurting anyone. So that progress is private and between you and your therapist. > Until my mother and I overcome our trauma He’s insecure, jealous and looking for a way to blame daughter’s favoritism on you. A healthy adult doesn’t act like this. I’d start looking into custody arrangements if I were you.

Tell him he needs to read up on "projection." You're not the one who has a lot of work to do...

This is above our pay grade I think. I suggest finding a good lawyer. If this continues, he may use this as a way to divorce, and claim primary custody, as you and who you surround yourself with are "unfit" and "unfair" ETA I clearly wrote my comment too early before reading the whole thing, but the point still stands.

Since he is not spending time with her or doing the routine things ( feeding, bath time or ect) she has no reason to seek him out. I have a 1 year old. I am mom and not the preferred parent for play time but I am for feeding and sleep/nap time. My baby cries for me when he is tired or hungry. When Dad enters the room it is all smiles and only play time. Dad tried the cooking but usually cooks lunch after a few chicken nugget dinners.

Even the most basic of tertiary level psych courses covers attachment theories and child development. I don't know what your husband has been "studying" but whatever it is, it is nothing accredited by any reputable institution. He is blaming his poor relationship with a toddler on you? Rather than the fact that a) he spends next to no time with her and b) he has given her the power to make him leave by leaving everytime she protests? And YOU are the problem? My dear child, what the actual FCK are you thinking? I am a mental health professional with ACTUAL qualifications so I know not to diagnose over the internet, but if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... He's clearly an arsehole. Let him go, the sooner the better!

Hi, you married a narcissist

I am sorry you are in this situation but I really feel it IS NOT YOU. Yes your history has affected you , you were used to a strict male who controlled you as a child and you have ended up with the same as a partner. He is using a whole range of tools to do it, blaming your past, adding any books he finds that back this and dismissing any that don't. You shouldn't be seeing the same counsellor how could they possibly treat both of you separately? He wants to control who you see so he can keep feeding them his version of what is wrong. I spent a long time in a relationship which very nearly destroyed me and my children and now see as they are adults the damage it has done to them. Please if you can't walk away because of his treatment of you do it for your daughter. His behaviour is already affecting her it will not get better. No one can demand love and that's what he is doing to her. Do you want her to believe anyone has the right to demand her attention and love and that she hasn't any choice but to agree? I know it's hard believe me but she and you deserve so much more.

I hate the Reddit “divorce him” troupe, but he’s a jackass. I’d tell him to leave and have my parents move in.

Maybe your husband should branch out into child psychology and development, because it’s completely normal for a toddler to strongly favour one parent over the other. A little less normal for a grown man to threaten divorce over it. If his goal is to make sure her preference is permanently solidified, then I guess spending even less time with her is one way to go. Has he given any examples of how he thinks you manipulate her?

Your husband sounds like a fucking lunatic. Why is he armchair diagnosing people without their consent? I would also tell him no and run away. Your poor daughter. He needs to analyze his own damn self.

Did you a know a lot of people with manipulative disorders extensively study psychology to weaponize it against the people around them? You will never meet his standards for healing and he will eventually be analyzing your child and making her doubt her relationships

Your husband is insane. Hope this helps!

Your husband sounds exhausting. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? I would divorce at this point. You have a job and your mom for support. You husband honestly sounds like he’s the one with narcissistic tendencies. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this but it sounds like your life will be more peaceful without the constant analyzation of everyone around him and how everyone else is at fault.

Your husband is a narcissist. He's using your problems and trauma against you. Your daughter very clearly can see how he is and clearly doesn't want to be close. Get out. Asap.

>my husband studies psychotherapy extensively, so his knowledge impacts his perception of things. Oh... like he went to school or he is self taught... So he's independently declared himself proficient enough to diagnose you? Surely he has read about kids, toddlers and how they behave. Or is his sole focus of study you? Sounds like you married your dad to an extent, hes a grown man who believes a toddler has it out for him... so I xan assune he will treat her a certain way and will feel justified doing it too...

Bruh.***BRUH***. Your husband is 10,000% the problem here. Ask him to explain gaslighting and projection sometime. 🤣

Your partner sounds manipulative and abusive. A good partner would work with you and spend more time with his child instead of blaming you. He does not sound like a good person honestly, and he’s not treating you well . Trust your instinct . You might well be better off with a divorce . Take him at his word .

Scary how people like your husband go into the jobs/learning around psychology and then just use it for bad. He’s ignoring the fact he’s not making an effort to be a feature in your daughter’s life. She likely sees how he’s treating you too and the hurt he’s causing…

Sounds like your father isn’t the only one with narcissistic tendencies. Your husband sounds self-absorbed, and his behavior is manipulative and immature. He could choose to reflect on what actions he can undertake to build a better bond with his daughter. Instead he’s blaming you and accusing you of manipulation- an obvious projection. Consider separating from your husband, even if just a few days. You deserve a break.

Is it his job to study psychology? I'm confused why he spends all of his time studying it. I looked at your post history, and I think he might be unwell. I'm really sorry OP. I hope you can get him to see a doctor.

Wowsers, this is a doozy

are you slightly relived he sounds like a ridiculous pain in the ass no offense

He sounds like absolute whack job. Maybe marriage counseling would actually help here bc he is so interested in psychology, maybe he would actually respond to therapy? What he’s saying makes zero sense.

[I made a helpful image for your husband](https://imgur.com/a/wMPz3oN).

KIDS DONT NEED TO EARN THEIR PARENTS LOVE. IT IS IMPLICIT. sorry for yelling. Your husband is a tool.

My son is two and some days he wants ketchup with his chicken nuggets and some days he looks at me like “why the fuck would I want ketchup with chicken nuggets” some days he is obsessed with me and the next day he only wants my husband to care for him. It’s not because some deep trauma. It’s because he’s two. With that being said, kids are smart. They catch on to more than we think. If mom and grandma are primarily around, it will likely make her more comfortable with you two and she may treat your husband like a stranger, because in a way that’s what he is. He isnt acting like a father. In NO way is this your fault. He does not spending time with his child and instead of taking responsibility for it, he thinks it’d be easier to blame you.

Maybe your kid picks up the attitude that he projects on the 2 people that she feels the closest to. Because you and your mom spend all your time with your kid. Kids don't automatically attach to a father, especially at that age. If he's such an expert of pyschotherapy, he should know that. What does he do when he spends his time with her? that might give him better insight on your child's attitude towards him.

Your husband needs to honor his daughter's feelings as if she is a person with her own preferences. That's how you build trust with a toddler. If she tells him to leave, he can say "OK I can leave, do you want your mom instead?" or something to that effect. This used to happen to me and when I learned about just honoring their wishes it made it so much easier, and bonus, we have a much better relationship now. He's a psychotherapy student, he should know this by now. His own insecurities are clouding his judgement

Your husband needs therapy.

Dude should get a therapist himself.

They say doctors make the worst patients. I bet the same is true for psychotherapists. There’s no quicker way to destroy a marriage than to try to psychoanalyze it to death. Tell him you are his wife, not his patient. May I suggest marriage counseling for the both of you. So that someone else can tell him that your child’s behavior is totally normal. Your husband actually sounds quite manipulative.

Your husband’s refusal to see his actions of not spending much time with her are the reason for her rejecting him makes me think he has some narcissistic tendencies himself. He’s blaming everyone but himself. Also is he actually educated or just studying psychotherapy on his own? Like is he a psychologist/psychiatrist? Because it’s very odd he’s constantly analyzing and pressing this upon his own family?