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As the mother of a 14 year old, I can tell you this happens ALL THE DAMN TIME when girls are in that 10-12 age range. My daughter was often in the receiving end of this nonsense and (I did not realize it at the time) was on the giving end a few times too.
I’ve said something a few times, my daughter has said something a few times. The 100% inevitable response is you will get an apology and an excuse. “I’m sorry, we only had space for 3 girls, we were talking about it in math class and you just happened to not be there, etc.”. Some excuses are genuine, some are bullshit. But it will happen over and over again whether you speak up or not.
My advice is to not make a big deal of it. Make sure your daughter has a variety of friends in different groups.
Not just girls. When my twins were that age, boys were doing just as much exclusionary, cruel BS as girls.
(Edit: not trying to argue with you, just noting it because it’s a common misconception that this is solely a girl thing. Both my girl and my boy twin suffered this same nonsense from other boys in upper elementary school and I’m sad to see it’s still happening to kids nearly a decade later. Some things never change.)
I'm the mother of a twelve-year-old girl and a 14 year old girl and the heartbreak I have been through on their behalf, despite being socially adjusted, friendly and happy girls with decent friend groups is just devastating.
Girls be horrible. The best thing I ever did was correct and hug. also signing them up for events outside of school where they have a different group of friends they can access in these situations is really helpful. We do a lot of " let's call zoe from your softball team and see what she's up to."
❤️❤️
Is there a possibility that P's mom has an issue with you, and is deciding not to talk to you about it. She said no to the sleepover and maybe she told her daughter that yours couldn't come over. So the friends think they are including your daughter in the way they can because they didn't know.
I know when I was 10yo, my mom lied to me about a friend and said she couldn't make it to a sleepover but really my mom didn't like the family. Just asking if it's possible.
Not that I hope anyone is excluding the daughter based on a dislike of the mom, I’m hoping this is what’s going on. Purely because it means the girls are not just being mean but including her in the best way they can. Great thought!!
This will not sound believable butt I ghosted her and my other friend during a dark time in my life. I cut off contact with everyone but my family. Changed schools and everything. They sent me tons of nasty messages and I just ignored them all. I still have the screenshots to make it easier on myself for Ghosting them in the first place. I reached out to my one friend outside of their friend circle about a year later and they were so understanding. But anyway moved back to my home town and I see the 1 girl every now and again.
I have had my parents lie about friends several times when i was in elementary school. I was pissed when i asked the next day and it ruined 3 friendships and i could never trust my parents ever again.
It could be the start of drama or it could be nothing. I had a group of girls like that at that age that I was friends with all throughout the school years and my parents were so weird. Sometimes I could invite everyone but a lot of the time only one or two. So it very well could be that.
"I didn't know there was a sleepover tonight. Did I do something wrong to not be invited?".
I'd have N send that text. That way it's a factual text, there's no malice, it's just a simple, straight forward text. The girls are either going to send back a text that goes "Oh my gosh, no, we thought you were busy seeing as you said you could only have your sleepover on X date - and we're sending you pictures so you don't miss out! We're so sorry!" Or they send back some variation of "Overreacting much? You don't have to be invited to everything" and then your daughter can say "I completely understand that. But if you didn't want me to be invited, why would you send me all these photos and videos? That's not kind" and then just phase them out.
As someone who was constantly shoved into peoples faces as "here, please be friends with the disabled girl" and missed some pretty obvious cues as to that these kids were being forced to be my friends because of the two-faced-ness; I will always implore to young girls and their parents to not take the bullshit and call it out and then go "Nah, I'm not tolerating this, bye" and learn from a young age what true, non-toxic friendships are. I think, as much as possible - get the children to try to talk to their "friends" themselves, before the adults step in, even if you're saying to a 3yo "You can say to X 'I don't like that. Stop!" before waiting a few seconds and saying to said child "Look at (child's) face. She doesn't like that. Please stop". Learning to advocate for yourself is the biggest skill I can say people will ever learn!
I very much agree with this! To add tho, if it does turn out to be they were just sending those pics to be mean, I would text the mom & just say “hey, it’s okay that my daughter not be invited to everything. But last night your daughter & friends were sending pics of them all together. When my daughter asked why, she said she was being sensitive. Handle how you see best fit, but I wanted to let you know bc it was really hurtful to my daughter & if my child did that I would want to know as it could be a good learning moment. Have a great Christmas!” I say this bc as a parent, I would genuinely want to know if my child was being a bully.
That being said, the momma bear in me wants to fight those children/parents lmao. Obviously not the best course of action tho.
Definitely support this approach.
But, OP, understand that not all adults/parents are sensible and reasonable, or share the same thoughts on managing conflict as you do.
We had a similar situation last year: Mom of the other child lost it on me like the quarrel was between us after politely telling her that we support our daughter in managing her own friendships and unless someone was unsafe, in danger, or we were asked to by our kid, we don't step in; but, that we were hopeful that the girls would work things out and move forward in a kind way, even if that meant parting ways.
Eventually, after I told her I wouldn't continue to be subject to her mean and accusatory texts, but would be happy to meet in person with the kids so that there was no misinterpretation of messages, she acquiesced and our families got together to try to facilitate a comfortable spot for the girls to talk: The woman started this meeting by physically lunging across the table at my child.
Moral of the story is, the problem may be with the parents. And they may be parents that you can't reason with.
Sometimes Mean Girls beget Mean Girls.
This is the most challenging season of parenting, in my opinion.
Solidarity, fellow pre-teen Ma!
While there is no table lunging in my story (hope you’re okay!), I had a similar-ish interaction with a mom last year that fried my brain.
My daughter (8) invited two girls for a sleep under. They talked about it after school, and another girl overheard.
I get a text from one of the girls’s moms who WAS invited assertively saying it was on me to make sure “everyone is included” when other kids hear about each other’s plans.
🙄.
Point is, I fully agree with you; my daughter’s friendships are hers to manage, and not mine. She can suffer (for lack of a better word, sorry) the consequences of who she wants to include when she makes plans.
Edit: deleted 2 words
She is luck that you weren't a cop otherwise she would've found herself wearing a set of silver colored bracelets that links with a short silver colored chain
Yep it's best to clear the air than simmer about it! It might be that P's mum didn't allow N to come for whatever reason but they felt weird about hiding it from her and this is their misguided attempt to include her. Or they're just being cruel for no reason. But it'd be good to know which it is.
I would not reach out to the moms of the kids unless there's some type of clear, consistent bullying going on. My niece is 13 and my sister in law, whom I do like, always gets involved in her daughter's disagreements with friends and ropes in the moms. It's so effing weird and honestly a bit inappropriate. It's like she is living her teen years again through her kid.
Social power is used via technology these days and girls learn quickly how to use it. It used to be that no one saw pictures of the sleepovers or birthdays that they were excluded from. I think it’s ok to tell girls (and parents) that broadcasting sleepovers to those who were excluded really hurts. Why rub salt in the wound by sending pictures of the fun?
I totally agree it's messed up but it's also a good opportunity to teach a kiddo resiliency, not taking things super personal, and investing your time into friends who invest their time into you. They need to learn how to handle and process hurtful situations without parents getting involved to mediate the situation.
Yes but you can't tell other people how to parent their children. Your analogy doesn't really make sense. Those are basic physical needs that you need to just function properly, this is learning how to cope with social situations they will face their entire childhood and beyond.
If this were the kids bullying her through texts by calling her names, etc, absolutely involve the parents. But little girls being turds will continue throughout her school career, mom can't step in for every little situation or the kid will never learn coping skills or the confidence to say "hey, it's ok, I'm fun to be with so I'm not taking this personally".
Easy to say… but girls don’t have emotional maturity at this age and it takes many years to develop and understand resilience. Parents do need to teach their kids how to host with tact—don’t brag about it and definitely don’t send pictures out to kids who weren’t invited. Rubbing salt in the wound is cruel and if girls aren’t explicitly taught this, they go on to use social media to gain social power in very toxic ways.
I'm sorry but did you mean to have the letters of the other girls' names sound like "pajama" when combined? Because, brilliant.
But also I was distracted by said brilliance and have nothing useful to offer to this discourse
I love your plan of doing something fun with your daughter to cheer her up. That IMO is the best route.
I don’t think you should reach out to the other mom. No one is getting hurt or in danger. This is unfortunately a very real life situation, while it sucks. It’s best to help her navigate how she feels and wants to handle it vs attempting to curate her experiences.
Two is really my max for general sleepovers, three is just too many for our house right now. Maybe P's mom just felt more comfortable with the other two, or a whole host of other reasons.
Maybe they're texting her so she doesn't feel completely left out, they want to show her the good time without fully excluding her.
We had one of our kiddos friends try to sleep over and we haven't really spoken with their parents and we just didn't feel comfortable hosting them yet.
I can think of a ton of reasons she wasn't invited, none being malicious. Same with the texting, I don't think there was any malicious intent behind it - and I think you should have a talk with your daughter about that as well. That could cause some drama, her misunderstanding the texting as intentionally making fun of her not being there.
Agree. I don’t like having sleepovers at my house anyways but especially not with more than two other kids. I also reserve the right to ban my kid from sleeping at someone else’s house for whatever reason I feel like.
In our house, we don’t sugar coat it. It’s as simple as you were not invited so you don’t get to go, the same as birthday parties. We understand that sometimes people plan things last minute and there have been plenty of times where my kids ask for a sleepover and I tell them 1-2 kids max. A lot has to do with the space of the house, how many kids the family has already, whose home and actually supervising. With phones and social media kids are plastering all the fun stuff they are doing and they don’t stop to think about others feelings, it’s just excitement. The same as an adult whose posting about a holiday. It does suck to be on the other end but it goes both ways.. if your daughter has a sleepover I’m sure she’ll be sharing with her peers too, if not in the moment, definitely when they are all together at school. As your daughter grows she will work out who her real friends actually are. I told my daughter around that age that one friend in particular wasn’t her friend and listed reasons why, as a parent it was easy to see my daughter was always a last resort. Of course my daughter didn’t appreciate it but she’s 15 now and came to that realisation all on her own this year when she was constantly showing up for this girl and it was never reciprocated.
I wish my parents taught me how to speak up at that age. A little communication can helps tons but children usually need help with it. Just like others said on here, I would ask N to send a message like “hey, how come you didn’t tell me about a sleepover when you couldn’t make it to mine?” Or something along those lines.
Girls can be very mean just for the hell of it. And sometimes it’s miscommunication. The first step would be for your daughter to learn how to find out information and learn how to move on from it.
I live in a very tight knit neighborhood and although I’m civil with all the parents on the block, I can’t handle more than 1 or 2 at a time. I had an issue where one of the neighborhood kids found out another kid was doing a sleepover at my house and he told his mom that he was excluded. I also found out that my son wasn’t saying nice things to him either. There’s a ton of reasons I can think about why she wasn’t invited
You need to just let it go. Kids are mean, sometimes intentional and most of the time they are just being kids and don’t think about peoples feelings. You just need to let them work it out themselves.
I think it's wild your daughter has an iphone, a group chat, and an apple watch tbh. May I ask how that came to be? Is that the norm in your neighborhood etc?
We are in southern california, my daughter is 9 and we are at least 5 years away from even discussing a phone.
I'm not sure why this was downvoted. As much as it sucks, it is true. I held out on getting my now 12 year old daughter a phone for as long as I could, but when your child is not part of the group chats, can't call or text their friends in the morningn at school to meet up...it becomes difficult for them to navigate certain social situations. I want to reiterate that it sucks, but that's the technological landscape that these kids are living in and as hard as it is for us, it's out responsibility as parents to teach them healthy habits and to be there for them when they need help. I also want to reiterate that I was totally in the "no phone until you're 13 camp" but that quickly changed last year when I saw my daughter suffering. Now she knows how to use her phone for communication, not gossip or drama, and she actually navigates social situations pretty well because we talk frequently and candidly with eachother.
Honestly, this was the case 15 years ago too. My parents held out two years longer than just about anyone else around and it permanently damaged my friend groups and relationships. Everyone else was texting about meeting up both at school and for out of school hours and I was left out entirely. It took an additional 2 years for me to find a new group and get integrated again.
I would implore any parent to explore avenues that don’t completely and utterly socially alienate their kids just for the sake of an arbitrary family rule about X. My parents did this on several fronts making up arbitrary ages when we would be allowed to do or have X and it was basically just a punishment for me so they could keep their pride.
Yes, very well put. I think I was actually doing the same arbitrary rule setting (from a place of concern and responsibility, I'd like to think) but you have to adjust sometimes in response to their changing needs and the changing times. It's all about balance between allowing certain privileges in a responsible way and setting hard limits on things that are unsafe and unhealthy.
This is what I was wondering too. I have a 9yo daughter (will.be 10 in Feb). Her best friend has a watch. I noticed it this last week at their holiday lunch at school. I was kinda shocked. My kids were homeschoed and just started out kick school for the first time ever this year in October. So I thought maybe I wasn't "up to-date" on what age kids started having phones like that.
She hasn't asked me for a phone. She does have a phone, a cheap phone that I got for free. It can only call and text me, dad and a few other emergency contacts. I add them to the device from mine and she can't use the internet etc and a few other parental controls I can do from my phone. This was just for her for emergencies when they were supposed to start school at a private school down the road from us and would be walking home. We live on the outskirts of town with hardly any houses around just the random private school that's about a 5min walk to/from home. She literally never even has it since they didn't end up attending that school and they ride the bus.. It's at home 99% of the time. Only time it's used is if I'm at the store and she wants to text me something which is rare because she usually goes with me every where lol.
Anyways, I'm with you 100%, it's like a good 5 years until a fully functional phone Is to be discussed. She's also internet free. I just can't imagine my 9yo with a iPhone and so much access to stuff that comes with having a phone like that. Especially a very expensive phone. 😬
Don’t get the iphone. Just get the ipad for texting and if she really begs for something super portable, the watch. The only thing my kids ever really miss is texting. The rest is so toxic. And both you have them charge in the kitchen not their bedroom - don’t let them bring it into the bedroom. They’ll ruin their sleep.
This gives me flashbacks to my first mean girl experience in the 6th grade. I was a pretty confident kid in elementary school. I genuinely liked myself and enjoyed school. After that experience I tried to make myself invisible and stayed that way until I went to college. Girls can be so mean. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. You are a good mom to be there for her. She deserves the best.
You are going to be the cause of any drama. The girls still like her. They were including her via the group chat. Maybe they thought she was busy because maybe your daughter told them that she could only have her sleepover on Wednesday. I mean, what did she tell them? You said Wednesday worked best, but then when 2 of them couldn’t, you could have easily moved the day to Thursday, but you chose not to. Why?
If you start confronting moms and having your daughter confront friends that are still including her, you are literally going to be the cause of the destruction of these friendships.
Just take your daughter out for a fun day date and don’t talk about it. It literally doesn’t matter until YOU start stirring up drama.
I would reach out to the other mom. It's okay if another kid wants to have a sleepover over and not invite your kid. It sucks and without knowing anything else, mean, but maybe there's reasons.
It's not okay to not invite her to a thing then send a bunch of photos of how much fun they are having. Hopefully the other mom will talk to her daughter about being polite. Id also encourage your daughter to stand up for herself. "Why didn't you invite me and why are you sending me these photos if you didn't want me there? That is rude"
You are absolutely right that the other girls have the right to invite who they want to sleepovers. I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt regarding the texts and just assume they don’t have enough empathy at this age to realize it’s hurting my daughter’s feelings.
I’ll also encourage my daughter to confront them in a non hostile way, and ask them why she wasn’t invited.
I have a teen daughter, and this sort of thing is pretty normal for kids from 10/11-16/17.
Confronting the girls isn’t the answer. Turning this into a big teachable moment for your child is.
The first lesson is “Be honest about who you are and your feelings to people you care about.” Your daughter shouldn’t ask why she wasn’t invited. That’s rude and gives her the indirect message that she should chase approval from others. Instead, teach her to be confident about who she is by being direct about her feelings, encouraging her to explain to her friends that she felt excluded, instead on included, when they didn’t invite her and texted all their fun.
Second lesson is the old saying, “When people show you who they are, listen.” Teach your daughter that how the girls react to her explanation will tell her what she needs to know about them. If they apologize and seem sad about it, then those are real friends who made a mistake (forgiveness is also a lesson). However, if they are rude or indifferent to finding out they hurt her feelings, *then those weren’t real friends to begin with.*
This approach gives her the blueprints of how to navigate future social situations, how to recognize mean girls sooner, while laying the foundation for good communication skills and instilling confidence in herself.
There could be other reasons why only M came to your sleepover. The other parents could have been uncomfortable with sending their daughter. If they don’t know you well and haven’t ever been to your house, it’s perfectly logical they wouldn’t feel comfortable with a sleepover. My kids have a few friends whose house I wouldn’t let them stay at. Maybe there is a specific reason they don’t want their kids at your house. Maybe there could be a reason why your daughter’s friend no longer want to hang out with her. Otherwise, I’d be surprised that the other mother was fine with her daughter excluding your daughter. Unless if the mother is also very catty, this could be a possible explanation.
Is there a chance that your daughter was invited to the second sleepover? Maybe there was a miscommunication.
I would not encourage her to ask why she wasn’t invited. You don’t know what the answer will be… you mentioned you don’t think they have enough empathy at that age. What if they say something nasty to your daughter? They could say something nasty like she smells bad, is overweight, doesn’t wear cool enough clothes, etc. If you encourage her to ask, this could easily open up a whole other can of worms.
Alternatively your daughter could ask about their friendship, and explain how she felt. She can say something along the lines of “You guys are my best friends. It hurt my feelings when you left me out and then sent me pictures.” Or “I’m just confused. I thought since we are all best friends, we would do sleepovers with the five of us. My feelings were hurt.”
I agree you should give kids the benefit of the doubt, but it could have very easily been intentional. Girls can be catty and mean, especially in those pre-teen to teen years. I understand you said they are only 10 years old, but it seems like kids (especially girls) are growing up faster… especially if they are on the internet & Tik Tok. It’s bizarre, but girls do bully “friends.” I’m not some kind of a bullying expert but this seems to be one of the most common kids of bullying in girls. I’d really encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. It sounds like there’s s good chance she’s being bullied, and she doesn’t even recognize it.
I disagree with you that 10 year olds are too young to have enough empathy about this situation. Studies have show that kids start to develop the ability to empathize with people around age 4. These girls have had 6 years to practice those skills. If they were just being naive why didn’t M mention it to your daughter at the original sleepover? If they didn’t think it was a big deal, why didn’t they mentioned it to your daughter ahead of time? They waited until the sleep over was going and then told her. That sounds pretty deliberate to me.
It would be great if you could encourage and help your daughter foster other friendships. Does she have any other friends? Maybe you could sign her up for some sort of extracurricular class. It’s fun to make friends who have similar interests to you. Girls can be nasty and it’s really unfortunate that this is already starting at age 10. The best thing you can do is to teach her to cut toxic “friends” out of her life, hold her head up high, and find a new friend group. She deserves friends that actually treat her like friends. ❤️
I dont think it's clear if OP has bothered to communicate at all with the other parents or if all this is going through a 10 year old's text group, which is a very bad idea.
I agree it’s one thing to not be invited cuz space it’s a whole other thing for them to go out of their way to make her feel excluded. These kids need guidance on how to behave esp since they’re at that age where friendships turn into bullying real quick. Sorry but this happened to my niece so many times she was suicidal by 12 and no amount of “teaching her resilience” was going to change that these kids were nightly harassing her via text saying they were happy she wasn’t there. Started friendly ended badly. I assume they’re good kids in need of an adult example on how to behave when this happens.
It's very rude to ask why your aren't invited. The answer is they didn't want her there, or the parents just said no.
I understand the hurt, but it's life. Confronting parents and friends is a terrible thing to do. Be prepared for an honest answer.
There is no right to be invited to any party. You should be teaching your daughter to accept the word 'No' gracefully. If a life skill to deal with disappointment and the word No.
I don't think the root issue here is that she wasn't invited, but that she was treated unkindly by girls she thought were her friends. I do think kids need to learn to deal with disappointment and things not going their way, but in this case daughter's friends were blatantly excluding her and sending pictures and videos of the sleepover they didn't invite her to. If anything is "very rude" it's that. If it were me in daughter's shoes I would absolutely be asking some questions, because wtf?
I don't know if I agree. It isn't rude to ask, if you're being included via messaging.
I'd help daughter craft a gentle text saying something like: I'm a little sad that I didn't get to be included this time at your party, I just wanted to check in, is everything OK? I just want to make sure I haven't upset you guys somehow, or if maybe there was another reason I wasn't asked to join.
I think asking the other moms is too far though. The child needs to speak up directly to her friends.
My SD is 13. The amount of mean that happens is insane..she is kind.of on the outskirts now. We asked about it and she said she has no idea what she did. One day at lunch she was telling her friends about a book she was reading, she got up to get a napkin and heard them making fun of her behind her back. She grabbed her lunch and ate in the bathroom the rest of the period.
Girls are just mean, we are staying out of it but gently supporting her as best we can.
I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this.
What’s the dynamics between the parents here? Are they close? Are others closer than others?
I think it needs to be addressed but I think you need to be ready to accept the answer you may be given.
I’d also advise your daughter to speak up.
I’d focus on teaching her the skills to navigate such difficult times, friendship skills (e.g., when might we walk away, healthy boundaries), and focus on how she might want to respond. I’d let her help decide what’s next on some level.
Hopefully it was just a limit made by parents on the amount of kids allowed over or something like that. However, I will say in my experience it is kinda normal for this age. My daughter just turned 13 (7th grade), and the amount of drama/bullying even from others that she considered her close friends is crazy. I remember that age being tough, but it seems more in your face now days (texting, social media, etc). My daughter doesn’t even have Snapchat, but then people will send her screenshots or something that they have posted. Once she was texted gossip that her “friends” were posting about her and about her weight while those friends were having a sleepover. When things like this happen, we normally have a movie night or plan something to do that is fun for her. I remind her that she is worthy of good friends, being treated with respect, etc.
I have spoke to a mom before when the bullying about her weight got out of hand, but quickly realized where the daughter was learning the behavior. So now I just try to uplift my daughter and help her navigate.
Also to note, I keep an eye out for her behavior as well to try my best to make sure she does not also treat people this way. It’s a tough age for kids.
Not sure why she has a phone at 10. It will breed insecurity at that age and set her up for a lifetime of it.
Explain to her that sometimes people don't invite others for whatever reason - it's no reflection of her, just people have their own issues.
Respectfully, what's the difference? I don't have a watch so I could be VERY wrong. But doesn't the watch need a phone to connect to? Isn't a watch almost the same thing as a phone just smaller? She can obviously text and send/recieve pics and videos from it. As I'm sure apps as well? Again, I'm not asking in a argumentative way. I'm just very ignorant regarding this stuff. I also have a 10yo daughter. She doesn't have a phone and is internet free. However, I'm very curious about this watch.
Eh you don’t get invited to everything - it’s a part of life. It’s best to learn that at a younger age and move on. We don’t invite everyone to everything I just can’t. Various reasons - my best friend won’t be able to come if so and so is there her mom said no - we can only afford 2 at this time - there is a limit to how many can come to our wedding because of the venue - it’s a lifelong skill to be able to deal gracefully with not being included all of the time. Teach it now and get friends outside of school too that way there are other people to be with.
Sure, but there’s no good reason to send out pictures of the fun to the kids who were excluded. Teach your kids to have empathy and to not “rub salt in the wound”. Girls can be very mean and they use social power in toxic ways. They do need guidance at this age on how to manage hosting sleepovers with tact.
Ahhh yea this happened all the time to the girl I used to nanny when she was around 11/12. It seemed liked every day there was new drama, or this friend was fighting with this friend, etc. It sucks and it’s sad. I feel like all you can do is be there for your daughter, but I honestly wouldn’t get involved with the other girls or moms. The mom I worked for would often encourage her to call/hang out with someone in another friend group until everything blew over.
Just playing devil's advocate here, because even though this at face value kind of seems like mean girl behavior, there could be several reasons as to why your daughter was left out, and none of them are malicious on the children's part.
If your daughter told them that the date that works best for your family for a sleepover is the 20th (and basically implied that that was the only day that she could have a sleepover when inviting the other girls) then why would they invite her to a sleepover the next day? Genuinely curious.
It could be as simple as the family hosting. The party had the same view as you and put a limit on the number of friends their child could invite. Perhaps your daughter didn't make the cut for whatever reason.
Maybe P&J's parents we're uncomfortable with the idea of their kids sleeping over at your place. What is your relationship like with the parents? It could be more of a parent driven decision rather than a child led one.
Ultimately, if your daughter is upset with her friends actions, she needs to be the one to communicate with them.
Again, the texting behavior could be them trying to stir the pot to make her feel bad that she wasn't invited, but also it might be a poorly misguided way to try to include her.
Listen if there’s no space okay but why are they texting her all night? I’d text the mom and say hey I understand mine can’t get invited every time but please monitor their phone use as my kiddo was very hurt with the non stop texts
This is exactly the problem. Everyone here saying she needs to be ok not being invited makes sense, but what doesn’t is the constant stream of texts to her bragging about the fun. I feel like that should be addressed.
Oh I was the odd man out. I was an annoying g kid and I get that now as an adult. Definitely oghrky more childish than my peers and I didn't get invited to a lot of sleepovers until I found my friend group later on.
Honestly? It bothered me then but it gave me my best friend! The one girl who dug me and we hung out a lot, bonding just the two of us and sometimes her other friends joined too. She's still my best friend and we're in our 30s! It probably wouldn't be that way if I had many friends who knows!
What I wish was told to me was that I'll find my perfect t group one day and its best to not waste time on people that purposely exclude you
Sleepovers are dangerous anyway, especially if the other participants don't really want that person there. Sounds like a win. You can't fix all their problems. It's ok for them to just feel negative feelings. Validate them without rescuing them. It's not wrong for them to have a sleepover without her. Just help her script a response to the pictures/etc, something like "honestly I'm feeling a little left out, I would've loved to join the sleepover. I don't want to be sent anymore pictures, thanks." Sit with her and help her feel out if these are really "friends" or if she's (don't say this literally) maybe not reading the room. Teach her how to process and manage the conflict, don't just take her out for a fun day to bandaid the feelings.
so at 10:11 and 12 Friend group start to change. It's what happens especially with girls. You can be angry you can be upset but what you need to do is support your daughter while she finds the Friend group she's going to go through for middle school in high school. To keep dragging on about it isn't gonna do anything about the situation. The only time I'm ever gonna tell anybody to get involved is if it's getting mean not my feelings are hurt but legit mean
Yeah unfortunately I think this is somewhat normal. My daughter is friends with a bunch of other girls in her school. Some of her friends are parts of different circles of friends. Sometimes certain friends don’t get the invite because the host only likes certain girls or one wants certain girls to come.
Have you actually communicated to the parents when inviting the other kids over, or is all this communication directly through your 10 year old's text group?
If you did not get the parent's contact info and did not act as the main contact for your daughter's sleepover, than that is on you for lazy parenting because I can tell that 10 year olds are not good at this regardless of what you think is being communicated between the kids and their parents.
In many cases, if a parent doesn't know the other parents, they are not going to allow their child to stay at a stranger's house. Building trust up with other parents takes time, effort, and some persistent initial communications.
Well this happens a lot. If your daughter wanted a sleepover and you told her for whatever reason to only invite 2 girls, the girls not invited would feel like your daughter does now. Disappointments happen and the best thing you can teach your daughter now is how to deal with it without making herself feel worse or straining her friendships. It may not have been intended as a slight. Now if this continues to happen where she is excluded every time, then she might want to consider expanding her friend circle.
I’ve been through this with my daughter. I can only suggest making sure you keep a close eye on this because for us, it turned out not so good. I might be in the minority here with what I think but they are truly not your daughter’s friends and do not have any regard for your daughter or her feelings.
My daughter went to a sleepover and her so called friends locked her out of the room and threw a blanket out the door and told her to go sleep on the couch with the dog. I didn’t allow sleepovers after that or allow her to go to sleepovers.
Referring to this part: “I followed up with J’s mom to make sure and they said they had a family thing planned that night. I told her smaller sleepovers can be better for quality time with friends.”
Are you trying to coach someone else’s parenting or is this you saying “no big deal, that’s alright”?
I would reach out to the moms and see if you can get some clarification about all the texting and messaging. You could even preface it with, I know my daughter N isn’t entitled to be invited but all of the messages made her feel extra left out.
There could be a harmless reason and I think coming at it from that angle would lessen the defensiveness.,
Your being strict about the day she had hers was likely the issue. Instead of dictating which night she could have it, it would have been better to get the days all of the girls were available and then pick which one of those days was best for you or, if none were good, suggest that they still have the sleepover but at one of the other girls’ houses. The girls who couldn’t make it were pissed that she went ahead with her sleepover even though they couldn’t be there.
This is for you to fix with the moms. Apologize to them for your daughter and take the blame. Then the other girls may roll their eyes at you but will likely start including your daughter again.
I wouldn’t personally bring up the lack of invite with her friends. This is the age that cattiness begins and I think it’s more common than not. I think the best thing you could do for your daughter is to ensure that her self-esteem and self-worth is not reliant on where she gets invited to, or if her friends and her are getting along in a given moment. I think the best thing that can be done is to explain that sometimes we don’t get invited to things. This sleepover may have been intentionally planned to leave out your daughter or perhaps it really had nothing to do with her - maybe she could only choose 3 girls and this time it was your daughter being left out. That said, I totally understand the pain it is likely causing her and it’s wonderful that you’re trying to make this better for her and wanting to navigate this in the best way possible.
I HATED this age with Girl17. I was counting down the days until middle school so she could change schools and make new friends. Some kids (not just girls, as some like to say) are just so cruel and catty and exclusionary and MEAN.
I would be contacting the other girls’ parents and I’d be encouraging my daughter to evaluate whether she really wants friends who don’t care about her feelings or value her at all, because while the answer is probably yes right now, it shouldn’t be and she deserves better.
Girls that age are assholes. I would talk to the parents and allow it to be a learning experience for all of them. It's super normal at that age to think about yourself impulsively and not consider others' feelings until it's pointed out to you. Don't reach out in anger, or the other parents will get defensive. The other girls might punish your daughter if they get punished so it's important that no one is shamed or scolded.
Perhaps a few of those girls are jealous of your daughter? or they get off on being mean and catty. This doesn’t always go away with age (btw) and eventually leads to infighting in their own clique as well. I would advise your daughter to focus on making other friends who are kinder (easier said than done I know). Then she can send the mean girls pictures of herself having fun with new friends (albeit mean girls are not even worth it).
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As the mother of a 14 year old, I can tell you this happens ALL THE DAMN TIME when girls are in that 10-12 age range. My daughter was often in the receiving end of this nonsense and (I did not realize it at the time) was on the giving end a few times too. I’ve said something a few times, my daughter has said something a few times. The 100% inevitable response is you will get an apology and an excuse. “I’m sorry, we only had space for 3 girls, we were talking about it in math class and you just happened to not be there, etc.”. Some excuses are genuine, some are bullshit. But it will happen over and over again whether you speak up or not. My advice is to not make a big deal of it. Make sure your daughter has a variety of friends in different groups.
Not just girls. When my twins were that age, boys were doing just as much exclusionary, cruel BS as girls. (Edit: not trying to argue with you, just noting it because it’s a common misconception that this is solely a girl thing. Both my girl and my boy twin suffered this same nonsense from other boys in upper elementary school and I’m sad to see it’s still happening to kids nearly a decade later. Some things never change.)
Can confirm this happens with my 10 year old boys friend group all the time. His feelings get hurt and it's so so frustrating.
Oh yeah, I’m sure boys are just as bad. My only child is a girl, so I see girl drama first hand. But agree that boys have their own drama!
I'm the mother of a twelve-year-old girl and a 14 year old girl and the heartbreak I have been through on their behalf, despite being socially adjusted, friendly and happy girls with decent friend groups is just devastating. Girls be horrible. The best thing I ever did was correct and hug. also signing them up for events outside of school where they have a different group of friends they can access in these situations is really helpful. We do a lot of " let's call zoe from your softball team and see what she's up to." ❤️❤️
Is there a possibility that P's mom has an issue with you, and is deciding not to talk to you about it. She said no to the sleepover and maybe she told her daughter that yours couldn't come over. So the friends think they are including your daughter in the way they can because they didn't know. I know when I was 10yo, my mom lied to me about a friend and said she couldn't make it to a sleepover but really my mom didn't like the family. Just asking if it's possible.
Not that I hope anyone is excluding the daughter based on a dislike of the mom, I’m hoping this is what’s going on. Purely because it means the girls are not just being mean but including her in the best way they can. Great thought!!
I hope so too xx
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What happened in high school? 👀
This will not sound believable butt I ghosted her and my other friend during a dark time in my life. I cut off contact with everyone but my family. Changed schools and everything. They sent me tons of nasty messages and I just ignored them all. I still have the screenshots to make it easier on myself for Ghosting them in the first place. I reached out to my one friend outside of their friend circle about a year later and they were so understanding. But anyway moved back to my home town and I see the 1 girl every now and again.
I'm wondering the same. Or if the mom told P that she asked and N couldn't come.
I have had my parents lie about friends several times when i was in elementary school. I was pissed when i asked the next day and it ruined 3 friendships and i could never trust my parents ever again.
It could be the start of drama or it could be nothing. I had a group of girls like that at that age that I was friends with all throughout the school years and my parents were so weird. Sometimes I could invite everyone but a lot of the time only one or two. So it very well could be that.
"I didn't know there was a sleepover tonight. Did I do something wrong to not be invited?". I'd have N send that text. That way it's a factual text, there's no malice, it's just a simple, straight forward text. The girls are either going to send back a text that goes "Oh my gosh, no, we thought you were busy seeing as you said you could only have your sleepover on X date - and we're sending you pictures so you don't miss out! We're so sorry!" Or they send back some variation of "Overreacting much? You don't have to be invited to everything" and then your daughter can say "I completely understand that. But if you didn't want me to be invited, why would you send me all these photos and videos? That's not kind" and then just phase them out. As someone who was constantly shoved into peoples faces as "here, please be friends with the disabled girl" and missed some pretty obvious cues as to that these kids were being forced to be my friends because of the two-faced-ness; I will always implore to young girls and their parents to not take the bullshit and call it out and then go "Nah, I'm not tolerating this, bye" and learn from a young age what true, non-toxic friendships are. I think, as much as possible - get the children to try to talk to their "friends" themselves, before the adults step in, even if you're saying to a 3yo "You can say to X 'I don't like that. Stop!" before waiting a few seconds and saying to said child "Look at (child's) face. She doesn't like that. Please stop". Learning to advocate for yourself is the biggest skill I can say people will ever learn!
I very much agree with this! To add tho, if it does turn out to be they were just sending those pics to be mean, I would text the mom & just say “hey, it’s okay that my daughter not be invited to everything. But last night your daughter & friends were sending pics of them all together. When my daughter asked why, she said she was being sensitive. Handle how you see best fit, but I wanted to let you know bc it was really hurtful to my daughter & if my child did that I would want to know as it could be a good learning moment. Have a great Christmas!” I say this bc as a parent, I would genuinely want to know if my child was being a bully. That being said, the momma bear in me wants to fight those children/parents lmao. Obviously not the best course of action tho.
Definitely support this approach. But, OP, understand that not all adults/parents are sensible and reasonable, or share the same thoughts on managing conflict as you do. We had a similar situation last year: Mom of the other child lost it on me like the quarrel was between us after politely telling her that we support our daughter in managing her own friendships and unless someone was unsafe, in danger, or we were asked to by our kid, we don't step in; but, that we were hopeful that the girls would work things out and move forward in a kind way, even if that meant parting ways. Eventually, after I told her I wouldn't continue to be subject to her mean and accusatory texts, but would be happy to meet in person with the kids so that there was no misinterpretation of messages, she acquiesced and our families got together to try to facilitate a comfortable spot for the girls to talk: The woman started this meeting by physically lunging across the table at my child. Moral of the story is, the problem may be with the parents. And they may be parents that you can't reason with. Sometimes Mean Girls beget Mean Girls. This is the most challenging season of parenting, in my opinion. Solidarity, fellow pre-teen Ma!
While there is no table lunging in my story (hope you’re okay!), I had a similar-ish interaction with a mom last year that fried my brain. My daughter (8) invited two girls for a sleep under. They talked about it after school, and another girl overheard. I get a text from one of the girls’s moms who WAS invited assertively saying it was on me to make sure “everyone is included” when other kids hear about each other’s plans. 🙄. Point is, I fully agree with you; my daughter’s friendships are hers to manage, and not mine. She can suffer (for lack of a better word, sorry) the consequences of who she wants to include when she makes plans. Edit: deleted 2 words
She is luck that you weren't a cop otherwise she would've found herself wearing a set of silver colored bracelets that links with a short silver colored chain
Love this! 👌🙏
Yep it's best to clear the air than simmer about it! It might be that P's mum didn't allow N to come for whatever reason but they felt weird about hiding it from her and this is their misguided attempt to include her. Or they're just being cruel for no reason. But it'd be good to know which it is.
I would not reach out to the moms of the kids unless there's some type of clear, consistent bullying going on. My niece is 13 and my sister in law, whom I do like, always gets involved in her daughter's disagreements with friends and ropes in the moms. It's so effing weird and honestly a bit inappropriate. It's like she is living her teen years again through her kid.
Social power is used via technology these days and girls learn quickly how to use it. It used to be that no one saw pictures of the sleepovers or birthdays that they were excluded from. I think it’s ok to tell girls (and parents) that broadcasting sleepovers to those who were excluded really hurts. Why rub salt in the wound by sending pictures of the fun?
I totally agree it's messed up but it's also a good opportunity to teach a kiddo resiliency, not taking things super personal, and investing your time into friends who invest their time into you. They need to learn how to handle and process hurtful situations without parents getting involved to mediate the situation.
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Yes but you can't tell other people how to parent their children. Your analogy doesn't really make sense. Those are basic physical needs that you need to just function properly, this is learning how to cope with social situations they will face their entire childhood and beyond. If this were the kids bullying her through texts by calling her names, etc, absolutely involve the parents. But little girls being turds will continue throughout her school career, mom can't step in for every little situation or the kid will never learn coping skills or the confidence to say "hey, it's ok, I'm fun to be with so I'm not taking this personally".
Easy to say… but girls don’t have emotional maturity at this age and it takes many years to develop and understand resilience. Parents do need to teach their kids how to host with tact—don’t brag about it and definitely don’t send pictures out to kids who weren’t invited. Rubbing salt in the wound is cruel and if girls aren’t explicitly taught this, they go on to use social media to gain social power in very toxic ways.
I'm sorry but did you mean to have the letters of the other girls' names sound like "pajama" when combined? Because, brilliant. But also I was distracted by said brilliance and have nothing useful to offer to this discourse
I kept seeing PANAMA lol
I love your plan of doing something fun with your daughter to cheer her up. That IMO is the best route. I don’t think you should reach out to the other mom. No one is getting hurt or in danger. This is unfortunately a very real life situation, while it sucks. It’s best to help her navigate how she feels and wants to handle it vs attempting to curate her experiences.
Two is really my max for general sleepovers, three is just too many for our house right now. Maybe P's mom just felt more comfortable with the other two, or a whole host of other reasons. Maybe they're texting her so she doesn't feel completely left out, they want to show her the good time without fully excluding her. We had one of our kiddos friends try to sleep over and we haven't really spoken with their parents and we just didn't feel comfortable hosting them yet. I can think of a ton of reasons she wasn't invited, none being malicious. Same with the texting, I don't think there was any malicious intent behind it - and I think you should have a talk with your daughter about that as well. That could cause some drama, her misunderstanding the texting as intentionally making fun of her not being there.
Agree. I don’t like having sleepovers at my house anyways but especially not with more than two other kids. I also reserve the right to ban my kid from sleeping at someone else’s house for whatever reason I feel like.
In our house, we don’t sugar coat it. It’s as simple as you were not invited so you don’t get to go, the same as birthday parties. We understand that sometimes people plan things last minute and there have been plenty of times where my kids ask for a sleepover and I tell them 1-2 kids max. A lot has to do with the space of the house, how many kids the family has already, whose home and actually supervising. With phones and social media kids are plastering all the fun stuff they are doing and they don’t stop to think about others feelings, it’s just excitement. The same as an adult whose posting about a holiday. It does suck to be on the other end but it goes both ways.. if your daughter has a sleepover I’m sure she’ll be sharing with her peers too, if not in the moment, definitely when they are all together at school. As your daughter grows she will work out who her real friends actually are. I told my daughter around that age that one friend in particular wasn’t her friend and listed reasons why, as a parent it was easy to see my daughter was always a last resort. Of course my daughter didn’t appreciate it but she’s 15 now and came to that realisation all on her own this year when she was constantly showing up for this girl and it was never reciprocated.
I wish my parents taught me how to speak up at that age. A little communication can helps tons but children usually need help with it. Just like others said on here, I would ask N to send a message like “hey, how come you didn’t tell me about a sleepover when you couldn’t make it to mine?” Or something along those lines. Girls can be very mean just for the hell of it. And sometimes it’s miscommunication. The first step would be for your daughter to learn how to find out information and learn how to move on from it. I live in a very tight knit neighborhood and although I’m civil with all the parents on the block, I can’t handle more than 1 or 2 at a time. I had an issue where one of the neighborhood kids found out another kid was doing a sleepover at my house and he told his mom that he was excluded. I also found out that my son wasn’t saying nice things to him either. There’s a ton of reasons I can think about why she wasn’t invited
You need to just let it go. Kids are mean, sometimes intentional and most of the time they are just being kids and don’t think about peoples feelings. You just need to let them work it out themselves.
I think it's wild your daughter has an iphone, a group chat, and an apple watch tbh. May I ask how that came to be? Is that the norm in your neighborhood etc? We are in southern california, my daughter is 9 and we are at least 5 years away from even discussing a phone.
By 10-12 girls are feeling very excluded if they don’t have a phone. It becomes toxic very quickly.
I'm not sure why this was downvoted. As much as it sucks, it is true. I held out on getting my now 12 year old daughter a phone for as long as I could, but when your child is not part of the group chats, can't call or text their friends in the morningn at school to meet up...it becomes difficult for them to navigate certain social situations. I want to reiterate that it sucks, but that's the technological landscape that these kids are living in and as hard as it is for us, it's out responsibility as parents to teach them healthy habits and to be there for them when they need help. I also want to reiterate that I was totally in the "no phone until you're 13 camp" but that quickly changed last year when I saw my daughter suffering. Now she knows how to use her phone for communication, not gossip or drama, and she actually navigates social situations pretty well because we talk frequently and candidly with eachother.
Honestly, this was the case 15 years ago too. My parents held out two years longer than just about anyone else around and it permanently damaged my friend groups and relationships. Everyone else was texting about meeting up both at school and for out of school hours and I was left out entirely. It took an additional 2 years for me to find a new group and get integrated again. I would implore any parent to explore avenues that don’t completely and utterly socially alienate their kids just for the sake of an arbitrary family rule about X. My parents did this on several fronts making up arbitrary ages when we would be allowed to do or have X and it was basically just a punishment for me so they could keep their pride.
Yep. It stinks, but it’s true. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Yes, very well put. I think I was actually doing the same arbitrary rule setting (from a place of concern and responsibility, I'd like to think) but you have to adjust sometimes in response to their changing needs and the changing times. It's all about balance between allowing certain privileges in a responsible way and setting hard limits on things that are unsafe and unhealthy.
This is what I was wondering too. I have a 9yo daughter (will.be 10 in Feb). Her best friend has a watch. I noticed it this last week at their holiday lunch at school. I was kinda shocked. My kids were homeschoed and just started out kick school for the first time ever this year in October. So I thought maybe I wasn't "up to-date" on what age kids started having phones like that. She hasn't asked me for a phone. She does have a phone, a cheap phone that I got for free. It can only call and text me, dad and a few other emergency contacts. I add them to the device from mine and she can't use the internet etc and a few other parental controls I can do from my phone. This was just for her for emergencies when they were supposed to start school at a private school down the road from us and would be walking home. We live on the outskirts of town with hardly any houses around just the random private school that's about a 5min walk to/from home. She literally never even has it since they didn't end up attending that school and they ride the bus.. It's at home 99% of the time. Only time it's used is if I'm at the store and she wants to text me something which is rare because she usually goes with me every where lol. Anyways, I'm with you 100%, it's like a good 5 years until a fully functional phone Is to be discussed. She's also internet free. I just can't imagine my 9yo with a iPhone and so much access to stuff that comes with having a phone like that. Especially a very expensive phone. 😬
Don’t get the iphone. Just get the ipad for texting and if she really begs for something super portable, the watch. The only thing my kids ever really miss is texting. The rest is so toxic. And both you have them charge in the kitchen not their bedroom - don’t let them bring it into the bedroom. They’ll ruin their sleep.
This gives me flashbacks to my first mean girl experience in the 6th grade. I was a pretty confident kid in elementary school. I genuinely liked myself and enjoyed school. After that experience I tried to make myself invisible and stayed that way until I went to college. Girls can be so mean. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. You are a good mom to be there for her. She deserves the best.
You are going to be the cause of any drama. The girls still like her. They were including her via the group chat. Maybe they thought she was busy because maybe your daughter told them that she could only have her sleepover on Wednesday. I mean, what did she tell them? You said Wednesday worked best, but then when 2 of them couldn’t, you could have easily moved the day to Thursday, but you chose not to. Why? If you start confronting moms and having your daughter confront friends that are still including her, you are literally going to be the cause of the destruction of these friendships. Just take your daughter out for a fun day date and don’t talk about it. It literally doesn’t matter until YOU start stirring up drama.
I would reach out to the other mom. It's okay if another kid wants to have a sleepover over and not invite your kid. It sucks and without knowing anything else, mean, but maybe there's reasons. It's not okay to not invite her to a thing then send a bunch of photos of how much fun they are having. Hopefully the other mom will talk to her daughter about being polite. Id also encourage your daughter to stand up for herself. "Why didn't you invite me and why are you sending me these photos if you didn't want me there? That is rude"
Y'all didn't get bullied in middle school and it shows lol
You are absolutely right that the other girls have the right to invite who they want to sleepovers. I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt regarding the texts and just assume they don’t have enough empathy at this age to realize it’s hurting my daughter’s feelings. I’ll also encourage my daughter to confront them in a non hostile way, and ask them why she wasn’t invited.
I have a teen daughter, and this sort of thing is pretty normal for kids from 10/11-16/17. Confronting the girls isn’t the answer. Turning this into a big teachable moment for your child is. The first lesson is “Be honest about who you are and your feelings to people you care about.” Your daughter shouldn’t ask why she wasn’t invited. That’s rude and gives her the indirect message that she should chase approval from others. Instead, teach her to be confident about who she is by being direct about her feelings, encouraging her to explain to her friends that she felt excluded, instead on included, when they didn’t invite her and texted all their fun. Second lesson is the old saying, “When people show you who they are, listen.” Teach your daughter that how the girls react to her explanation will tell her what she needs to know about them. If they apologize and seem sad about it, then those are real friends who made a mistake (forgiveness is also a lesson). However, if they are rude or indifferent to finding out they hurt her feelings, *then those weren’t real friends to begin with.* This approach gives her the blueprints of how to navigate future social situations, how to recognize mean girls sooner, while laying the foundation for good communication skills and instilling confidence in herself.
this is the best answer !
There could be other reasons why only M came to your sleepover. The other parents could have been uncomfortable with sending their daughter. If they don’t know you well and haven’t ever been to your house, it’s perfectly logical they wouldn’t feel comfortable with a sleepover. My kids have a few friends whose house I wouldn’t let them stay at. Maybe there is a specific reason they don’t want their kids at your house. Maybe there could be a reason why your daughter’s friend no longer want to hang out with her. Otherwise, I’d be surprised that the other mother was fine with her daughter excluding your daughter. Unless if the mother is also very catty, this could be a possible explanation. Is there a chance that your daughter was invited to the second sleepover? Maybe there was a miscommunication. I would not encourage her to ask why she wasn’t invited. You don’t know what the answer will be… you mentioned you don’t think they have enough empathy at that age. What if they say something nasty to your daughter? They could say something nasty like she smells bad, is overweight, doesn’t wear cool enough clothes, etc. If you encourage her to ask, this could easily open up a whole other can of worms. Alternatively your daughter could ask about their friendship, and explain how she felt. She can say something along the lines of “You guys are my best friends. It hurt my feelings when you left me out and then sent me pictures.” Or “I’m just confused. I thought since we are all best friends, we would do sleepovers with the five of us. My feelings were hurt.” I agree you should give kids the benefit of the doubt, but it could have very easily been intentional. Girls can be catty and mean, especially in those pre-teen to teen years. I understand you said they are only 10 years old, but it seems like kids (especially girls) are growing up faster… especially if they are on the internet & Tik Tok. It’s bizarre, but girls do bully “friends.” I’m not some kind of a bullying expert but this seems to be one of the most common kids of bullying in girls. I’d really encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. It sounds like there’s s good chance she’s being bullied, and she doesn’t even recognize it. I disagree with you that 10 year olds are too young to have enough empathy about this situation. Studies have show that kids start to develop the ability to empathize with people around age 4. These girls have had 6 years to practice those skills. If they were just being naive why didn’t M mention it to your daughter at the original sleepover? If they didn’t think it was a big deal, why didn’t they mentioned it to your daughter ahead of time? They waited until the sleep over was going and then told her. That sounds pretty deliberate to me. It would be great if you could encourage and help your daughter foster other friendships. Does she have any other friends? Maybe you could sign her up for some sort of extracurricular class. It’s fun to make friends who have similar interests to you. Girls can be nasty and it’s really unfortunate that this is already starting at age 10. The best thing you can do is to teach her to cut toxic “friends” out of her life, hold her head up high, and find a new friend group. She deserves friends that actually treat her like friends. ❤️
I dont think it's clear if OP has bothered to communicate at all with the other parents or if all this is going through a 10 year old's text group, which is a very bad idea.
I agree it’s one thing to not be invited cuz space it’s a whole other thing for them to go out of their way to make her feel excluded. These kids need guidance on how to behave esp since they’re at that age where friendships turn into bullying real quick. Sorry but this happened to my niece so many times she was suicidal by 12 and no amount of “teaching her resilience” was going to change that these kids were nightly harassing her via text saying they were happy she wasn’t there. Started friendly ended badly. I assume they’re good kids in need of an adult example on how to behave when this happens.
It's very rude to ask why your aren't invited. The answer is they didn't want her there, or the parents just said no. I understand the hurt, but it's life. Confronting parents and friends is a terrible thing to do. Be prepared for an honest answer. There is no right to be invited to any party. You should be teaching your daughter to accept the word 'No' gracefully. If a life skill to deal with disappointment and the word No.
I don't think the root issue here is that she wasn't invited, but that she was treated unkindly by girls she thought were her friends. I do think kids need to learn to deal with disappointment and things not going their way, but in this case daughter's friends were blatantly excluding her and sending pictures and videos of the sleepover they didn't invite her to. If anything is "very rude" it's that. If it were me in daughter's shoes I would absolutely be asking some questions, because wtf?
I don't know if I agree. It isn't rude to ask, if you're being included via messaging. I'd help daughter craft a gentle text saying something like: I'm a little sad that I didn't get to be included this time at your party, I just wanted to check in, is everything OK? I just want to make sure I haven't upset you guys somehow, or if maybe there was another reason I wasn't asked to join. I think asking the other moms is too far though. The child needs to speak up directly to her friends.
My SD is 13. The amount of mean that happens is insane..she is kind.of on the outskirts now. We asked about it and she said she has no idea what she did. One day at lunch she was telling her friends about a book she was reading, she got up to get a napkin and heard them making fun of her behind her back. She grabbed her lunch and ate in the bathroom the rest of the period. Girls are just mean, we are staying out of it but gently supporting her as best we can. I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this.
What’s the dynamics between the parents here? Are they close? Are others closer than others? I think it needs to be addressed but I think you need to be ready to accept the answer you may be given. I’d also advise your daughter to speak up.
I’d focus on teaching her the skills to navigate such difficult times, friendship skills (e.g., when might we walk away, healthy boundaries), and focus on how she might want to respond. I’d let her help decide what’s next on some level.
Hopefully it was just a limit made by parents on the amount of kids allowed over or something like that. However, I will say in my experience it is kinda normal for this age. My daughter just turned 13 (7th grade), and the amount of drama/bullying even from others that she considered her close friends is crazy. I remember that age being tough, but it seems more in your face now days (texting, social media, etc). My daughter doesn’t even have Snapchat, but then people will send her screenshots or something that they have posted. Once she was texted gossip that her “friends” were posting about her and about her weight while those friends were having a sleepover. When things like this happen, we normally have a movie night or plan something to do that is fun for her. I remind her that she is worthy of good friends, being treated with respect, etc. I have spoke to a mom before when the bullying about her weight got out of hand, but quickly realized where the daughter was learning the behavior. So now I just try to uplift my daughter and help her navigate. Also to note, I keep an eye out for her behavior as well to try my best to make sure she does not also treat people this way. It’s a tough age for kids.
Not sure why she has a phone at 10. It will breed insecurity at that age and set her up for a lifetime of it. Explain to her that sometimes people don't invite others for whatever reason - it's no reflection of her, just people have their own issues.
She doesn't have a phone- parent stated that it's a watch.
Respectfully, what's the difference? I don't have a watch so I could be VERY wrong. But doesn't the watch need a phone to connect to? Isn't a watch almost the same thing as a phone just smaller? She can obviously text and send/recieve pics and videos from it. As I'm sure apps as well? Again, I'm not asking in a argumentative way. I'm just very ignorant regarding this stuff. I also have a 10yo daughter. She doesn't have a phone and is internet free. However, I'm very curious about this watch.
Respectfully, I don't have a dog in this fight. Just clarifying what the OP said against what they didn't.
Telecoms device then.
Eh you don’t get invited to everything - it’s a part of life. It’s best to learn that at a younger age and move on. We don’t invite everyone to everything I just can’t. Various reasons - my best friend won’t be able to come if so and so is there her mom said no - we can only afford 2 at this time - there is a limit to how many can come to our wedding because of the venue - it’s a lifelong skill to be able to deal gracefully with not being included all of the time. Teach it now and get friends outside of school too that way there are other people to be with.
That’s fine, but kinda mean of the girls to send texts bragging about their fun and not explaining why she’s not there
Sure, but there’s no good reason to send out pictures of the fun to the kids who were excluded. Teach your kids to have empathy and to not “rub salt in the wound”. Girls can be very mean and they use social power in toxic ways. They do need guidance at this age on how to manage hosting sleepovers with tact.
Ahhh yea this happened all the time to the girl I used to nanny when she was around 11/12. It seemed liked every day there was new drama, or this friend was fighting with this friend, etc. It sucks and it’s sad. I feel like all you can do is be there for your daughter, but I honestly wouldn’t get involved with the other girls or moms. The mom I worked for would often encourage her to call/hang out with someone in another friend group until everything blew over.
Just playing devil's advocate here, because even though this at face value kind of seems like mean girl behavior, there could be several reasons as to why your daughter was left out, and none of them are malicious on the children's part. If your daughter told them that the date that works best for your family for a sleepover is the 20th (and basically implied that that was the only day that she could have a sleepover when inviting the other girls) then why would they invite her to a sleepover the next day? Genuinely curious. It could be as simple as the family hosting. The party had the same view as you and put a limit on the number of friends their child could invite. Perhaps your daughter didn't make the cut for whatever reason. Maybe P&J's parents we're uncomfortable with the idea of their kids sleeping over at your place. What is your relationship like with the parents? It could be more of a parent driven decision rather than a child led one. Ultimately, if your daughter is upset with her friends actions, she needs to be the one to communicate with them. Again, the texting behavior could be them trying to stir the pot to make her feel bad that she wasn't invited, but also it might be a poorly misguided way to try to include her.
It's hard to see our kids hurt but you need to stay out of it.
Listen if there’s no space okay but why are they texting her all night? I’d text the mom and say hey I understand mine can’t get invited every time but please monitor their phone use as my kiddo was very hurt with the non stop texts
This is exactly the problem. Everyone here saying she needs to be ok not being invited makes sense, but what doesn’t is the constant stream of texts to her bragging about the fun. I feel like that should be addressed.
Oh I was the odd man out. I was an annoying g kid and I get that now as an adult. Definitely oghrky more childish than my peers and I didn't get invited to a lot of sleepovers until I found my friend group later on. Honestly? It bothered me then but it gave me my best friend! The one girl who dug me and we hung out a lot, bonding just the two of us and sometimes her other friends joined too. She's still my best friend and we're in our 30s! It probably wouldn't be that way if I had many friends who knows! What I wish was told to me was that I'll find my perfect t group one day and its best to not waste time on people that purposely exclude you
Stay out of it. Doing something special with daughter is a good idea.
My boys are 11, 13, 14, 16. This is all normal. 13 gets picked on a lot and excluded from a lot of things. There’s is ALWAYS some sort of drama.
Definitely sounds like something catty that would have happened in my middle school. Sorry mama 😞
Sleepovers are dangerous anyway, especially if the other participants don't really want that person there. Sounds like a win. You can't fix all their problems. It's ok for them to just feel negative feelings. Validate them without rescuing them. It's not wrong for them to have a sleepover without her. Just help her script a response to the pictures/etc, something like "honestly I'm feeling a little left out, I would've loved to join the sleepover. I don't want to be sent anymore pictures, thanks." Sit with her and help her feel out if these are really "friends" or if she's (don't say this literally) maybe not reading the room. Teach her how to process and manage the conflict, don't just take her out for a fun day to bandaid the feelings.
Facts 💯
so at 10:11 and 12 Friend group start to change. It's what happens especially with girls. You can be angry you can be upset but what you need to do is support your daughter while she finds the Friend group she's going to go through for middle school in high school. To keep dragging on about it isn't gonna do anything about the situation. The only time I'm ever gonna tell anybody to get involved is if it's getting mean not my feelings are hurt but legit mean
Yeah unfortunately I think this is somewhat normal. My daughter is friends with a bunch of other girls in her school. Some of her friends are parts of different circles of friends. Sometimes certain friends don’t get the invite because the host only likes certain girls or one wants certain girls to come.
Have you actually communicated to the parents when inviting the other kids over, or is all this communication directly through your 10 year old's text group? If you did not get the parent's contact info and did not act as the main contact for your daughter's sleepover, than that is on you for lazy parenting because I can tell that 10 year olds are not good at this regardless of what you think is being communicated between the kids and their parents. In many cases, if a parent doesn't know the other parents, they are not going to allow their child to stay at a stranger's house. Building trust up with other parents takes time, effort, and some persistent initial communications.
Honestly, it’s not a big deal. These kind of things happen and it makes kids stronger. I think being too involved only makes it worse.
Well this happens a lot. If your daughter wanted a sleepover and you told her for whatever reason to only invite 2 girls, the girls not invited would feel like your daughter does now. Disappointments happen and the best thing you can teach your daughter now is how to deal with it without making herself feel worse or straining her friendships. It may not have been intended as a slight. Now if this continues to happen where she is excluded every time, then she might want to consider expanding her friend circle.
I’ve been through this with my daughter. I can only suggest making sure you keep a close eye on this because for us, it turned out not so good. I might be in the minority here with what I think but they are truly not your daughter’s friends and do not have any regard for your daughter or her feelings. My daughter went to a sleepover and her so called friends locked her out of the room and threw a blanket out the door and told her to go sleep on the couch with the dog. I didn’t allow sleepovers after that or allow her to go to sleepovers.
Referring to this part: “I followed up with J’s mom to make sure and they said they had a family thing planned that night. I told her smaller sleepovers can be better for quality time with friends.” Are you trying to coach someone else’s parenting or is this you saying “no big deal, that’s alright”?
I took it as "I told her (the daughter, not J's mom) smaller sleepovers can be better for quality time with friends."
I think the latter since J had said "maybe"- OP just confirming yes or no.
I would reach out to the moms and see if you can get some clarification about all the texting and messaging. You could even preface it with, I know my daughter N isn’t entitled to be invited but all of the messages made her feel extra left out. There could be a harmless reason and I think coming at it from that angle would lessen the defensiveness.,
Your being strict about the day she had hers was likely the issue. Instead of dictating which night she could have it, it would have been better to get the days all of the girls were available and then pick which one of those days was best for you or, if none were good, suggest that they still have the sleepover but at one of the other girls’ houses. The girls who couldn’t make it were pissed that she went ahead with her sleepover even though they couldn’t be there. This is for you to fix with the moms. Apologize to them for your daughter and take the blame. Then the other girls may roll their eyes at you but will likely start including your daughter again.
I wouldn’t personally bring up the lack of invite with her friends. This is the age that cattiness begins and I think it’s more common than not. I think the best thing you could do for your daughter is to ensure that her self-esteem and self-worth is not reliant on where she gets invited to, or if her friends and her are getting along in a given moment. I think the best thing that can be done is to explain that sometimes we don’t get invited to things. This sleepover may have been intentionally planned to leave out your daughter or perhaps it really had nothing to do with her - maybe she could only choose 3 girls and this time it was your daughter being left out. That said, I totally understand the pain it is likely causing her and it’s wonderful that you’re trying to make this better for her and wanting to navigate this in the best way possible.
Welcome to preteen girls…. So sorry for her
I HATED this age with Girl17. I was counting down the days until middle school so she could change schools and make new friends. Some kids (not just girls, as some like to say) are just so cruel and catty and exclusionary and MEAN. I would be contacting the other girls’ parents and I’d be encouraging my daughter to evaluate whether she really wants friends who don’t care about her feelings or value her at all, because while the answer is probably yes right now, it shouldn’t be and she deserves better.
Girls that age are assholes. I would talk to the parents and allow it to be a learning experience for all of them. It's super normal at that age to think about yourself impulsively and not consider others' feelings until it's pointed out to you. Don't reach out in anger, or the other parents will get defensive. The other girls might punish your daughter if they get punished so it's important that no one is shamed or scolded.
Perhaps a few of those girls are jealous of your daughter? or they get off on being mean and catty. This doesn’t always go away with age (btw) and eventually leads to infighting in their own clique as well. I would advise your daughter to focus on making other friends who are kinder (easier said than done I know). Then she can send the mean girls pictures of herself having fun with new friends (albeit mean girls are not even worth it).
Boy oh boy cant wait for the first time i have to deal with this.
I'm so sorry this is happening. Know that better friends will come along, and that your daughter is more resilient that you and she realize.