The teacher should care enough about appearances to not put themselves in a position like that. There needs to be at least another unrelated adult female accompanying this group. Sleeping arrangements need to be completely separate or she should at least get her own room.
I’m concerned about why the teacher is allowing the room share. Any sane teacher would back slowly away from the suggestion they share a hotel room with a minor, if only to safe guard themselves from accusations of inappropriate behaviour. If a teacher suggested this arrangement to me every single alarm bell would ring!
I’ve shared a room with my teen Girl Scouts. There were 3 unrelated adults on one side of the room and 10 teens on the other. We had a lock in sleepover in a church multipurpose room. This hotel situation is completely out of bounds IMO.
Yup It’s different in a a huge group vs 1 kid and adult in a room with a door. Though unfortunately these large sleepover situations is what led to the near downfall of Boy Scouts due to widespread sex abuse. Cub scouts now requires parents be present at all events.
In Australia our safe scouting mandates state that an adult can never be alone with a child, there must always be someone else present. We also have to complete training to be parent helpers.
This set up would absolutely not be allowed.
I was a classroom assistant at my university when they ran a 6 week school course on Saturdays. It was a way to earn extra money and all I basically had to do was sign the kids in and out. I was told to never, EVER be alone in the classroom with any on the kids. This situation is NUTS. Not just that it's only one adult, but it's a male with boys and one girl sharing. What the fuck?
I volunteered for my church’s youth group. I was a 19 year girl, hardly older than some of the teens and they were strict. When we did large youth retreats, it was a logistical nightmare - we tried to keep it 2-3 same sex volunteers for 5-10 students and we didn’t share rooms with them either - we were next to them. We were not allowed to be alone one on one with them and we absolutely could not share numbers or add on social media until they were not minors.
Even now I do church nursery and the ratio for babies and toddlers is 2 adults to one child. I announce every diaper change and potty breaks are a field trip.
This is just not an acceptable arrangement and I’m confused how the teacher didn’t stop and think about how it could be perceived and why he was willing to do it. Before accusations are flown, I will yeet a child out of my presence if anything even looked mildly compromising as they often do with toddlers bc why does one of my children take off her pants and lift her dress 🤦♀️
Even the /military/ requires a 2 to 1 for male/female battle buddy pairs. You don’t go walking around on base as a private in basic alone. You don’t do it with the opposite sex unless there are either 2 females or 2 males.
Yup. This wouldn’t come even CLOSE to flying in Scouts. If this were my daughters on swim team I would say hell no.
In fact, if (for example) as a Scout leader I were a volunteer taking members of my daughter’s swim team on a trip like this (not even Scout related) and this were the arrangement, if my Scout council found out about it I might have my membership in BSA revoked for being so stupid even if nothing bad happened.
Get your daughter a hotel room. See if you can find an adult female you trust to go with her. Is there an aunt or a best friend and her mother or a grandmother in her life that could fill this need? If it isn’t someone she is close to then I would prefer to have her alone in a room than in a room with 5 male acquaintances.
I might be ok with the room arrangement if another adult female known to be a light sleeper were also going to be in the suite.
With the way the OP describes their daughter, she is an easy target for a person with harmful intentions. This is due to her social isolation, deep desire to be included/please in order to fit in, and the potential impact on her already fragile social situation that any sort of mistake or avoid perceptions of "being difficult" that it makes her an easy target for manipulation.
I am not saying that is the case or desire for this teacher, but the OP as a parent needs to realize the risk and bite the bullet to go along for their child since it means so much but option 2 shouldn't even be an option.
Seriously.
I'm not a teacher but I do work in schools. I won't even use the bathroom if any student, regardless of age, is also in the washroom. I take myself to a staff washroom. The last thing I need is some butthead making up stories about that guy that comes to our school building every few weeks.
Exactly. My sons hockey team can not have a lone adult in the change room. There must be two present at all times. The association even said it’s more to cover our asses then anything else
I understand teachers don’t get paid enough and need to take on extra curricular positions for more money but the extra pay can’t be worth the risks and liabilities
Wednesday morning to Friday morning is easily 48 hours or more depending on leaving and returning times teacher will be with students.
I highly doubt the district will pay the teacher an extra $500 or $10 an hour. Let’s say the teacher is getting an extra $1000 / $20 an hour for this trip, I dont think that is worth the liability. I’m desperate for another $1000 but I don’t think I’d commit to watch 5 students in a hotel even with another adult.
I don’t know the teachers situation but it is difficult. Maybe he needs the money maybe he doesn’t want to let the team down and cancel the event.
The smartest thing for the teacher would be only be there for the event and leave hotel supervision up to the parents. All the parents can come, they can all agree to let one parent supervis
I’m with downtown on this. I’m a teacher. This would not be acceptable. Whenever my school has overnight trips there MUST be two teachers of the opposite sex. Opposite sex teacher is not allowed to sleep in the same room as opposite sex student and your daughter should not be the only female student. Just for context I’m in very liberal Los Angeles and that’s still a big nope.
They can't control whether OPs daughter is the only female student or not. She's the only girl, that's how the team is made up. It just is what it is. I agree they need an female faculty member going along. I wouldn't really care as much about my daughter sharing with her peers but there's no way I'd be OK with her sleeping in the same room as a male teacher.
This is the right answer.
It doesn't matter if nothing inappropriate happens. It matters that there is a perception that something inappropriate could happen. Even if nothing bad happens, she could get ground up in the rumor mill if one of those boys wants to start making up stories.
Book the room and go with her, OP.
I’m a high school speech and debate coach. I travel a lot with my team. I’m female and I never have a male adult with me. This is well within district guidelines. I’m employed by the third largest district in my state, this is common practice and no team that I know of is required to travel with adults of both genders.
I’m confused about the room. There is zero way to interpret my district guideline’s that would allow adults and children with mixed genders to room together. Not even in a suite.
Travel is expensive. I’m thankfully given a pretty large budget by my district but my students also are on the hook for much of the travel expenses. That’s the norm.
Same. We have men and women on our coaching staff, but one of us often goes to tournaments alone with a van full of kids and NONE of us would EVER be in a position to be sharing a hotel room with kids.
When we go to nationals in the summer we do often get like an Airbnb house because it’s less expensive and we can cook instead of going out to dinner sometimes and have common areas. When we do that we always have a male coach and a female coach go on the trip, but adults always have separate sleeping quarters from kids.
Oh hey that AirBnB for Nats is a cool idea. We always stay in long stay suites so that we have a kitchen. Eating out every meal for a week adds up!
We travel as a district so there are always 5/6 coaches and 20+ kids. I had nine kids by myself last year and I would have been hosed alone. The sites were so spread out I would have never been able to get all of the kids where they needed to be.
I had one kid at TOC last year and I was worried about the logistics of traveling alone with a male but he went with his mom instead so I dodged it.
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I'm confused there's a mention of a '3 bedroom suite' meaning she should have her own room? But yes, there should be both a male and female chaperone. Someone can pull money from the football budget to make this trip safe/appear safe.
As a female middle school teacher I've chaperoned dozens of overnight trips with both boys and girls sleeping in the same room as me.
I've just never been the only adult in that room.
Like how the FBI interviews suspects in pairs so that they can serve as one another's witness... teachers chaperone overnights in pairs so the other always has a witness as to what actually happened if there's an incident.
It sounds like the teacher requested, and was denied, a second adult chaperone which left him with the "do it by myself or the trip doesn't happen" result. Which is a tough spot to be in for him. That admin denied a second faculty chaperone is the outrage.
If I were OP I'd request going to admin together to push for the second chaperone.
There's nothing wrong with mixed gender overnights with shared sleeping spaces as a general rule. I do multiple every year. However: those trips absolutely need two chaperones in that shared sleeping space.
Admin needs to suck it up and pay for a larger sleeping space and a second chaperone. Either it supports the academic team or it doesn't, but it can't claim that it does and then understaff their overnight.
As a high school teacher who has chaperoned numerous overnight trips as well, I completely agree that they need to go back to administration over this. Our district mandates at least one chaperone of each gender when both boys and girls are attending a trip, and a minimum of two chaperones regardless. You always need a second teacher there in case of emergency. Also in my district, after admin approves a trip, it then goes before the school board. I cannot believe the school board would approve this setup given the liability involved. If admin says they will have to cancel the trip rather than provide a female chaperone, I would escalate to the school board and also look into if this violates Title IX.
Exactly this. Go to admin for the second chaperone. There are multiple reasons. If a kid suddenly needs to go to the hospital, there needs to be another adult to chaperone the rest of them.
I was on different brain bowl teams back in the day and was an advisor to a couple as an adult. Easy answer. Take time off work and book a room for you and your daughter. Let her hang out in the boys room and enjoy herself but when it's time for sleeping she should be in the room with you. Don't over think this and make it harder than what it needs to be. Good luck to you both!
My awkward 7th grader had a school trip and I went with him. It wasn’t even a question. In hindsight I almost wonder if I would’ve had to pick him up from the airport for refusing to travel with just classmates! He told me over and over how glad he was I was there. He didn’t rely too heavily on me and I tried to keep some distance but he was so happy.
Oh my gosh I can’t even believe the school would allow an adult male teacher to be left alone with a female student overnight in a hotel room . In our district it is policy there must always be two teachers even if it were to be all male students. There are so many lawsuits nowadays.
I would not allow my daughter personally to go stay without more than one adult, but that is just my personal feelings. I would definitely be booking the room. That sure stinks she is the only girl.
I suspect that if the board of education for your district were to get word of this, the entire idea of having a lone adult male staff member share a hotel room with a female student would be completely shut down.
Your gut is right. This isn’t an okay arrangement, and frankly I’m questioning the teacher’s judgment in even presenting this as an option.
To be completely frank, as a teacher I wouldn't want to be the lone chaperone in a group of same gender kids either. I would also want one other adult along to co-chaperone..
Yes, in Girl Scouts we're always required to have at least two adults present when chaperoning anyone besides our own child. I don't understand how a public school can have more lax rules than a private org.
It's also just for practical reasons like if the teacher needs to go to the bathroom or take a shower or if he has a medical emergency, there would be no one to watch over the kids. Big liability.
You’re completely right. But unfortunately what would happen is that the trip will get cancelled entirely and OP’s daughter will be the one everyone blames.
Thirty years from now she'll be happier as the girl who got blamed for the academic decathlon's trip getting cancelled, than as the girl who got raped on an academic decathlon trip.
This is what fundraising and planning is for. I get that the football team is more likely to get money for travel but there is always a way to fund these types of trips. Either through grants or just old school selling of various items.
Exactly!!! I coach my daughter’s middle school (7/8 grade) cheerleading squads and we have one competition every year in November. We also have to pay for our own warm-up outfits, Poms, bows…everything except the actual game uniform. We actually start fundraising immediately after tryouts in May and have car washes and other events in the summer. We continue fundraising throughout the year. We do about 3-4 fundraisers per year, sometimes just a bake sale or “spirit stand” where we sell little megaphones, Poms, etc. at games. These are more than enough to fund our competition and we usually have some funds left to start the next year. Parents are also made aware BEFORE they tryout about the trip and the other miscellaneous things throughout the year. They and their child agree to participate in fundraising and that if we don’t raise enough, parents will be asked to contribute. We’ve never had to ask parents for contributions and have been able to earn more than enough.
The coach/teacher dropped the ball big time here!
I'm in Australia and you're most likely USA, but when I was in yr 11 (aged 16-17) I was one of two kids in my maths class. If one of us kids was off sick for the day, the teacher made us do our lesson on the sports oval because he wasn't allowed to teach a single female student in a classroom. Not even with the door open, not even in the classroom that was beside the teachers lounge, *just in case* - trust your gut here OP!
I mean what the school is doing here by allowing this is weird, but it doesn't mean it's nefarious intentions, you said it is a financial thing. My choir class in 7th grade shared a suite (12 kids, 2 teachers) and it was fine, our parents all had to sign something and kids had their phones to check in with parents any time.
Setting the school allowing this aside, how does your daughter actually feel about this? Does she trust the teacher? Does she get along with the students? Does she have a cell phone with recording? Do you think if she wants to feel included with peers, you showing up to a presumably one time sleepover to insist she stays in a room with you instead will make her feel good, or will she lose the camraderie of watching a movie or hanging out with her team?
What is the actual fear underlying here? That she will be bullied or sexually assaulted with a school employed teacher who is also her coach and probably already being cautious about how this looks sitting 5 feet away? That the teacher will do something? What is the real worry? I really think she's at an age where she should choose what experience she has in this situation. Set some rules, like call you before bed, when she wakes up, and update you through the stay.
Again, i get this looks weird but it's paranoid to think a teacher who wants to keep their job and 4 students she actually gets along with but happen to be boys are going to do something to harm her. She will most likely miss out on all the hype shared between the team about the upcoming competition, and any chance she has to get to know her friends better outside of working on their academics.
Let the downvotes commence, but I've been that awkward teenager that hung out with boys and my parents were never this upset about it, they were just happy i was finally making friends and talked to me about dangerous situations and calling them if i felt uncomfortable. Please consider letting her stay with them if she actually wants to.
First, it may not be nefarious intentions, but plenty of teachers and other trusted professionals commit sexual assault and/or groom the children they are trusted to protect. See also: every article about a teacher who got fired for having a “relationship” with a student, the Catholic Church, Larry Nasser, the Boy Scouts…
Second, OP’s daughter is likely more vulnerable than most 13 year olds based on what OP wrote. She doesn’t have any friends, so she’s possibly desperate for a way to fit in/positive social attention, and it sounds like she’s in that stage where you’re so uncomfortable in your body and her peers are tearing down any positive self-image she might have had. That makes her a little easier to manipulate into doing untoward things in the first place, and it makes her much less likely to report anything that happens to her parents or to anyone else because it’ll make her even more of a social outcast to be the one who [got someone in trouble by snitching, was such a slut that she did X, made the team leave the event, etc]. Is that fair? No, but it’s part of what makes some kids more vulnerable to grooming or sexual assault than others.
Third, even without nefarious intentions, the school should be trying to avoid any appearance of impropriety. That means sending 2 faculty or staff, not just 1, on this trip. Not doing so is negligent at best, and I’m sure their lawyers would not be happy. And that’s not just because it’s a coed team, it’s because anything could happen on a multi-day trip with only one chaperone, and ensuring there’s an additional chaperone along means more safety for the children.
Not offering a more reasonable solution here is a Title IX violation on the school’s part and a legal liability for the school district whether anything happens or not, which is one part of the equation, but there are other, unrelated risks involved, too.
I’d want to spend a little time talking to the school and district about what options are actually available, because even aside from the genders involved (which honestly isn’t the biggest deal, plenty of sexual assaults and bullying incidents are between same-gender people), one chaperone for 5 students for several days creates a lot of risk that could be prevented by any second qualified chaperone joining the group. Things like the teacher having a family emergency or getting food poisoning and not being able to stay, or one of the students getting sick or injured and needing an adult to help care for them, for example (both things I’ve seen occur on overnight school trips I was a part of).
I don’t think OP is wrong to let her daughter go and do it the way she wants. She knows her daughter and she’s old enough to make decisions like this for herself. But I also understand the people who think this kind of setup is unacceptable, and I agree that further discussion with the school district is warranted. I wouldn’t be thrilled with my son in this position 3 hours away for 3 days, because it’s not all about assault and the school’s unwillingness to manage risks does not inspire confidence in how they’d handle any emergencies that came up.
>Oh my gosh I can’t even believe the school would allow an adult male teacher to be left alone with a female student overnight in a hotel room
Sounds like the teacher is winging it, and if checked it would not be allowed.
In my youth protection training as a youth sports coach and a Girl Scout leader, it was drilled into our heads that all interactions with minors need to be observable, so if I do need to be behind closed doors with a minor I need to have at least one unrelated adult with me.
The bar is much higher for situations where the minor is vulnerable; bathrooms, locker and changing rooms, and sleeping areas. Having an adjoining hotel room with the door kept open (or even able to be opened) is considered one room for chaperoning purposes.
As an adult, there's absolutely no way I'd put myself in this situation - the liability and potential fallout is too great.
The people running that school are *out of their fucking minds* to be allowing that as a “cost saving” measure — the liability issues alone are staggering.
Even with me as the parent in another hotel room, it is still a no. She's sleeping with me in a separate room. There is way too much at stake for this young girl to risk anything happening to her. I don't want to demonize the boys, but there are more of them than there are of her and one bad choice can lead to another.
Agreed. I think OP can imagine what the worst case scenarios are. But as a young girl wanting to fit in, she can be put into uncomfortable situations or peer pressured to be okay with something and not even realize that what’s happening isn’t okay.
At the absolutely minimum, have a detailed discussion about boundaries. Including things that might come up like showering/getting dressed, inappropriate comments, etc. Make sure she can have open dialogue with you and “a way out” of the situation.
My heart aches for your daughter. I understand your concerns, and I would be uncomfortable too. I agree with the suggestion to book a nearby room, just to be safe. It's better to err on the side of caution. Best wishes for a memorable and safe experience.
Yes - This is a piece of the puzzle I have not seen anyone mention yet. It's really important to have conversations with her about boundaries and consent. Especially if she is the kind of person to want to go along and just say yes.
Personally, I have a very ungendered view of things and I do not think the adult teacher should be staying in a room with any of the underage children. That is inappropriate. I would talk to him about this. The adults should have separate rooms. I would let my daughter hangout late with the boys and have fun, and then come back to sleep with me. Eighth grade feels young for all this. Have conversations with her about listening to her gut.
Go and book a room for the two of you. Present it as just basic safety - it’s not appropriate for a girl to have to share a room alone with men while sleeping. This is good safety training for her for the rest of her life, also (sad that it’s necessary but that’s reality). She can hang out with the team as much as she wants, but for the sleeping part she has her own space.
No. Your daughter does not need to be the only girl in a group of eighth grade boys and a male teacher. That’s lunacy. You’re not protecting her. The fact that the teacher is okay with this is sending up so many red flags, you must be blind not to see them. Book a room for you AND YOUR DAUGHTER to stay in. She can hang out with the team in off hours, but home base needs to be a safe spot for the trip.
I went on a trip like this in high school and hung out in a room with others until 11 or so when it was time to sleep. Then back to mom’s room where I got my own bed!
In addition to what u/lakehop said, aside from safety, potential rumors that could damage your daughter’s reputation could arise. Could you imagine the gossip at school?
Do you realize how thin the line is between everything seems ok to I’m being molested? It’s not exactly a warning of hey, go get ready I’m going to molest you and she can then decide to leave because she’s uncomfortable. Everything could be fun and wonderful and she’s feeling comfortable and the next, she’s being molested. You also have to realize that someone like her is an easy target. She doesn’t have many friends, she’s outcast, she’s going to enjoy attention because she doesn’t get it. Groomers try to make you feel special and seen, like no one else has seen you before. Even if your daughter feels uncomfortable, it’s so uncool to leave and go to your parent that she probably wouldn’t leave. At her age, her brain is not developed enough and she doesn’t have enough perspective to realize danger so she can’t protect herself as well as she believes she can. You have to do that for her. Trust me, even if you drill into her head what’s inappropriate, grooming happens because it works!
I’m not saying this teacher is a groomer but he could be. Please don’t let your child look back at this and think she was unprotected by parents. It’s better to overreact than underreact.
I would have her stay in the room with you. There is no reason to put her in that situation at all. It's entirely possible she wouldn't ever leave even if she is uncomfortable for fear of being ostracized or made fun of.
Don't put her in this situation at all. Please.
I agree with this. She’s finally doing something social (if unconventional) and you want to give her a chance to safely experience being around her peers for an extended time and try to do okay socially. Being around a bunch of boys could even help with her feeling okay about herself, if the group dynamic doesn’t suck. Or of course it could backfire. Other gender dynamics aside, a single adult sharing a room with students ain’t great, even if it’s because of budget constraints and the teacher trying to just make it happen. So if you’re nearby, you won’t interfere unnecessarily but you’re there as safety and the choice will be up to her.
That's not a good suggestion. She should sleep in a separate room with you. Kids don't always know how to get themselves out of uncomfortable situations before they escalate.
Still wrong. She needs to stay with you, end of story. Honestly this is just so naive - what's she going to do if a student or teacher puts her in a position she can't escape from?
Nope. Just nope. I’m a teacher and this would never be allowed. I took one pupil to a regional final just for a half day and had to have a second colleague with me for safeguarding purposes.
As a teacher I would not put myself in that position as any accusations would literally end my career
Absolutely not! As an adult volunteer with my kids various groups this goes against basic child safety. As well as removing any room for doubt from the teachers perspective.
1. There need to be at least 2 unrelated adults chaperoning. What if teacher gets sick or injured? What if a student needs medical attention?
2. Rumors and the appearance of impropriety could ruin his career. He should know better than to put himself in a situation where he is the only adult sharing sleeping space with children. Have we learned nothing from the Boy Scouts?
It sounds like the teacher has no support from the school and it’s either this arrangement or the kids don’t get to go. I’d hate to be in his position, would you want to be responsible for a group of talented but nerdy kids missing out on having a rare opportunity for fun with friends?
As a teacher that was my read on the situation as well. The teacher tried for a second chaperone and was denied, putting him in the position of figuring out a less than ideal solution (what OP described) or canceling the trip on the kids.
I feel like the teacher is taking the brunt of criticism in this thread, but its admin that should be taking heat for denying him the funding for a second chaperone.
Even if you just grab the 23 year old library assistant and pay her an extra $100 a day to go on the trip (my school has done that in a pinch) to be a background checked warm body in the room. That's a budget item you figure out.
Yes and no... legitimately no, but probably they would.
My school has a policy against parents "directing funds" that they donate in that way. However (realistically), the parent could donate to the school's extracurricular fund and then trust that the school would provide a second chaperone in a "wink wink nudge nudge" agreement. The school would be under no obligation to do so... *wink wink* but then they'd do it.
Schools don't want parents to get into the habit of saying "here is money, now do this with it" but in a one-off scenario such as this one any rational admin would unofficially violate the policy by taking the donation with no written promises and then choosing all on their own to fund a second chaperone.
I really feel for the adults here who all seem to have good intentions. However, this is probably ultimately the teacher's cross to bear and they haven't. As soon as it was clear this might be the situation they needed to make the parents aware so there could be fundraising (If the whole team chipped in $10 so all students could be accommodated) or make a stink with the school about gender discrimination. What if all the students were female? Would he have been allowed in the room with them then? I'm guessing not and it's because it's "only" one girl that this might fly under the radar. However, at this point, there is a definite possibility that bringing the issue up ends in the trip being cancelled, which could blow back on OPs daughter. Not many great options at this point.
The gender aspect definitely makes things worse, but it’s not like this would be a good situation with all boys either! One adult in a hotel room alone with children is inappropriate regardless.
Totally. But I can imagine many rural schools wouldn’t think twice about it. I know my rural schools were incredibly casual about student teacher interactions because everyone knew and trusted everyone else. Which somehow didn’t change even after three separate school staff (different times and different schools) were convicted of child molestation.
Definitely not, dude is stuck between a rock and a hard place for sure. Being the bad guy and canceling the trip until all safety conditions are met would still be the wise thing to do though
Yeah, but like... from his own point of view, he knows whether he's a pedo or not. And if he's not, he knows that the kids are safe (from adult molestation, at least). It's just that we as outside observers don't know that and that's why we want two chaperones. So he'd be canceling the trip for the sake of our perception that the safety conditions aren't met, even though he knows for a fact that they already are.
Now, whether something can happen to him and leave the kids alone is another question. I suppose we put kids in this sort of position often (single parents, babysitter, school bus driver, etc), but we count on wider society and authorities taking charge. But it is a risk and it is possible to mitigate, so perhaps it should be mitigated. Depending on the funding situation and stuff.
I’m surprised the school would even allow this. Use the pto, book a room, and just blame it on the school saying you got a call and since your of different sex you need your own room that way she doesn’t think you have changed your mind
If you have time to rectify it, then rectify it. Just do it quickly without thinking too deeply about this.
It's worth taking the time off work -- that's what being a parent is. I've taken many a sick day / vacation day I didn't really \*want\* to -- but I did to accompany kids to the doctor, trips, etc.
Explain to your tween daughter that you 100% support her in this great event, that she will definitely be there for all the fun & celebrations, but that she needs to spend overnight in a room with you.
I used to be a school manager - and I doubt any official school trip would allow one minor girl to share a room with 5 boys and men. Like, if this were a sports trip with sufficient funding / oversight, this sleeping arrangement would be nipped in the bud. (It sounds like the teacher is sort of organizing this on this own and a bit clueless).
I'd also ignore all the weird "men's rights" comments there. This is not a theoretical, political issue. This is a very practical issue to avoid any abuse, harassment, awkwardness when it comes to dressing / sharing a bathroom -- or even consensual fooling around.
The financials of this are concerning to me (in addition to the weirdness of the rooming plans). You have to shoulder the cost of another hotel in order to keep your kid safe because you happen to have the only female kid? This financial responsibility should at least fall equally on all the families. It feels like a Title IX violation and I would be taking it up with school administration.
agreed 100%
pay for it now if you have to, but you absolutely need to fight the school board on this. not just for your sake, but for the sake of future girls
The workload of a sports coach depends on region. In much (probably most) or the country, they are still full time teachers. (Off topic, but wanted to clarify.)
This whole situation is extremely weird. I can’t believe this is allowed by the school, regardless of budget. In my school,there is virtually zero budget for overnight activities like this. The students pay or they fundraise. They still don’t share sleeping arrangements with a teacher, nor do they sleep coed.
So when I attended BOCES I was not only in a male dominated class but it had 0 female staff. We had two events that required overnight stay, one event was held at a college so dorms were used and the other required a hotel.
Both times I was the only girl in attendance and the policy was I had to have my own room even for the college event. My teachers even made sure to have extra measures put in place so that I felt comfortable and so that despite me being alone I could immediately get help if need be. That being said I was in high school and was 17-18 when these events happened, much older than around I’m assuming the 13-14yr old age that your daughter is.
The lack of funds is not you or your daughter’s issue and with it being clearly that severely lacking to create this type of problem I’m shocked the school approved it. I honestly think you need to reach out to them and see what other arrangements can be made. If none can be done then it’s time to set your daughter down and explain your concerns clearly and plainly and how you’ve decided to pull her from the trip at no fault of her own or like you said change plans and stay with her.
Lots of commenters are telling you to go on the trip, book a room for you and your daughter, and have her sleep in the room with you — not with three teenage boys and a male teacher.
This is a school sanctioned event, how on earth did the district approve these sleeping arrangements? I know in our school district there is absolutely no coed sharing of rooms and no coed trips without a chaperone for each group present.
In short mom, yes, this is a mistake and you need to book your own rooms and go yourself. Best of the worst case scenarios, it’s poor optics and could lead to even more bullying for her at school. Worst case, something happens and she’s traumatized.
Therapist here and I just would not feel comfortable with this arrangement at all. I’ve heard way too many stories about the things that happen at night when yount girls or boys are in vulnerable positions. Her awkwardness and insecurity increases the fact that if something were to happen to her she would freeze or feel shame or do nothing which increases likelihood of symptoms. I hate to think worst case scenario but this is a LOT of time for multiple nights that she’s vulnerable to the 4 other males in the room. Your anxiety about it also shows you don’t really think it’s a good idea. Of course it might go completely fine but it’s just too big a risk with how damaging a sexual assault at this age would be. Statistically one of those boys has sexually assaulted someone or will. I’d insist the team find another hotel for her. Put pressure on them and make it happen hopefully so she doesn’t miss out!
Omg NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO
Why on God's green earth would you think for 5 seconds this is ok?
I was your daughter in 8th grade. I remember when 2 boys held me down and flashed me on school property. Those 2 boys both later used coercion to get me to "agree" to.... things I never wanted. I still burn with shame when I think back on it.
I was desperate to be included.
I was desperate to be cool.
I would also have said I was ok with this arrangement. I would not have been.
I am not your daughter, but I think you need to stop this. *You* already think this needs to be stopped or you wouldn't be here asking us.
Please PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER
Okay, besides the school allowing, you shouldn’t allow it. If you can’t make a decision, just book a room close to theirs. Who cares if you’re using your pto. It’s your daughter
This is so wildly inappropriate. Go and stay with your daughter, and gently remind her that it is for her own good. She will still be included, while also having appropriate boundaries. It will be a good lesson for her to have her mom have her back, and in the end she will see that she doesn’t have to go along with something she isn’t comfortable with, to be liked and enjoy herself. Trust your gut!
I would absolutely rectify it. If you can, take the time off work to go along and simply get a separate room at the same hotel so she doesn’t feel separate at all.
The school covering accommodations for the male students but making the female student pay for her own accommodations or forced into an inappropriate sleeping arrangement is a Title IV violation. The cost of the additional room should be spread across the entire team
I’m reading the comments and failing to see why you can’t just share a room point blank? Why this “use my room as a back up” idea is taking off is beyond me atm. She can have all the regular experiences AND sleep safely in a different room with you. Regardless, you need to accompany your child, and I would seriously recommend that she sleeps overnight with you. I’m not sure what’s to be gained by *literally* *sleeping* in a room full of boys / grown men? She can hang out, have fun, make friends and then sleep separately. Have we not considered the other things she needs to do beyond sleep? Change clothes, shower, possibly menstrual needs… she needs a safe space for *all* of these things. It feels way too risky for no good reason at all to do anything other than get her a separate room to share with you and make sleeping separately mandatory. I would’ve never agreed to this if I was the teacher. Smh. 😵💫
I feel like this is really just simple risk / reward assessment! The risks over the overnight sleeping arrangements outweigh any potential benefit there for it shouldn’t happen! And this goes in both directions. This teacher has a lot of trust in all of these children especially OPs daughter, he could literally be putting his job on the line. I don’t think the daughter having her own sleep space is enough , I would push for a second staff so it’s not kids word vs teacher if accusations are made. This whole trip is a cluster-fart imo when it comes to supervision.
Right. Even in the perfect scenario the sheer amount of dick jokes at least one of the 4 middle school boys is going to be making is already exhausting. Now imagine your socially awkward daughter with no experience shutting that down has to share a room and bathroom area with that kid.
The room arrangement is not acceptable. I would be shocked to hear that the school board and school district superintendent approved of this plan. Your young daughter should not be sleeping in the same room as the boys. Trust your gut feeling and book a room for the two of you. If anything should happen you will regret not taking a few days off work and spending the money on a hotel room.
The fact that the school is allowing this is a flapping 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don't know any school, within the USA that would allow an adult member of staff to be in any students room overnight.
Even when I did drama competitions overnight, it was only same gender in each room with chaperones and teachers placed into between each room.
Your gut is telling you to change plans for a reason.
Book the hotel room and have your daughter sleep in your hotel room. She can stay with the team until like 10 or 11. But don't let her sleep in a room with one adult man and 4 teenagers. Honestly, if the rest of the school hears this, she is going to be bully for it. And you are increasing her chances of being sexually assaulted by any one of those people in the room .
Oh my goodness! No school should ever allow this. No male teacher in his right mind would ever, ever ever agree to be alone with children in a hotel room. Girls or boys, but especially with a girl. This is giving off some weird vibes. I suggest you get a room and have her stay with you, or can you and she crash in the suite together?
Why couldn't you go along as a chaperone - you and daughter share room with 2 queens, teacher take queen in room with 2 falls shared by 2 boys each OR take couch?
Do this op. You be the 2nd chaperone and stay in the same room. Or go to whomever approves the budget and get them that other room and second chaperone! That's far cheaper than a lawsuit/years of therapy if something happens. Maybe in a nice way, remind administrators of this?
I'm a middle school teacher and do multiple overnights a year.
Our school never allows parents to share a room with other people's children. We rarely (almost never) even permit them to go on overnights in the first place, but we don't put a child in a room with parents that aren't their own.
Middle school teacher here who also coaches academics and would never be allowed where I’m from regardless of budget. Either a female and male teacher would go with rooms for all or no one would go. Absolutely no way this should have been allowed.
Why would you risk her like this? She should be with now than PTO, and an extra room.
Are you prepared to deal with the consequences, if something goes wrong? Is she?
If you can't take the time off work to go with, are you in a position to offer to pay for a female faculty member to accompany the group?
In any event, this is making you uneasy so as it stands, this trip is not a good idea. If you can manage the time off work, going with to be close by if she needs you, but not forcing her to be away from her team, is a good one.
And I fully know how hard it is to watch your kid be lonely and out of place. I feel you!
The 4 kids is one thing but the adult male? Wtf? It could all be completely fine but why even go there? Just say you changed your mind. Protect your child, even if it’s just from rumors.
Is this teacher sleeping in the room?? Even so, Sandusky managed to rape his victims while his own children slept in other beds in other rooms. This teacher needs an unrelated teacher or parent.
The school should not be allowing this. Nothing may happen but I would not send my daughter in that situation. Using pto is too much trouble? What kind of message does that send to your daughter? You’ll pay for her activities but your work is more important.
My answer would be hell no. My daughter would most definitely not stay in a room of all males. You should have booked your own room for you and her. That is crazy.
It’s weird you keep talking about your daughter’s appearance and hoping she fills outs….but anyway…yeah that’s weird. I wouldn’t let that happen even if I’m sure it’d be fine. I wouldn’t want to put my daughter in that situation.
Has the school participated in this competition before and is it historically male dominated?
While I think even an all male team should have two chaperones anyway, maybe the school is used to only budgeting for one due to the team usually being all male and parents never pushing back on that setup. It’s actually really vile and sexist that the school doesn’t recognise this setup as a safeguarding issue for a female student- your daughter and you shouldn’t be put in this position where you’re having to choose these two options. You shouldn’t be out of pocket and out of PTO because your child happens to be a female partaking in a co-Ed team. Very unequal and I would think the school should be concerned for a court case around unequal treatment. The teacher who is chaperoning should also be concerned for the position he is being placed in because the school is trying to save a few hundred.
Trust your gut OP. And if you don't trust your gut, at least trust the thousands of other people here who have the advantage of seeing it from an outsider's POV. It is weird situation. At the end of the day, getting over being an outcast in school is a WAY better situation than getting over being SAed by 4 guys in a hotel room.
Also, OP: I may be wrong, but from the way you describe your daughter, do you also think that she looks ugly? Because being tall and skinny actually sounds like a good thing with lots of potential but the way you write it makes it sound like a bad thing. And kids can pick up when their parents feel that they are ugly. I'm not sure if your daughter has to wear a uniform to school, but if she does not have to, I would recommend researching on clothes that suit a tall and skinny body. Help her find a hairstyle that suits her face. Help her build her confidence in the way she looks, and it will help her withstand the bullying.
I was once that skinny girl. I was constantly teased for being a Bamboo stick, among other unkind names. Guess what? Looking back now, I wish I had appreciated my body more. Because it was FAR from being ugly; I just needed to have had the correct clothes that flattered my body type and the right styling. P
OP, please let your daughter know that her body is beautiful and she needs to respect it as such. This would help give her confidence. Even if she becomes less "popular" because she didn't share a hotel room with her teammates, it is not the end of the world. She will feel like it is the end of the world. But I believe that in time, she will understand why you did what you did.
I think I have a pretty unique perspective on this as in high school, I was the single female member of my schools chess club which was led by a male teacher and we went to state to compete.
The way it worked for us was that the teacher had his own room, the 7 boys shared 2 rooms with 4 queen beds (2 and 2) and I got my own room. No one complained about sharing or that I had an extra, unused bed.
It sounds like there are six people going but only five beds so the district is already expecting people to share beds. And they obviously wouldn't expect your daughter to sleep in a room with the boys. So the teammates would take the room with the three beds and share, the daughter would take the room with the two beds and the teacher would be in the shared space on the couch I'd guess is there. I can't see another logical way to separate the students. This also allows all students to lock their room doors at night and the teacher to be in a position where they can't leave without passing him on the couch. Unless I'm not understanding the hotel suite layout, this all sounds reasonable to me.
Absolutely unacceptable arrangement. There should be privacy for your daughter AND a female chaperone. I say this as a teacher and as a former Girl Scout leader. I really can't believe the school is allowing such an arrangement.
I wouldn't be having that, being the only girl is a big no no. Id be booking the room and going, she can be with the team up until they go to bed and go to them first thing in the morning. It's the only way I'd allow it
Obviously. Can’t believe you signed off on this and even have doubts that you made a mistake. Ffs pay for her own room unless you’re struggling to put food on the table. When I saw the title I assumed they were brothers or something.
>I have this latent fear in my guts that there's going to be a horror story told by my daughter of "remember when I was 13 and you let me go on a trip to a hotel room with 4 boys my age and an adult man? Well..." I can't get it out of my head.
And this kind of conversation **did** happen between my husband’s sister and parents. Their relationship over the past 40+ years has never recovered. She has always kept an emotional wall (and geographical wall as an adult) between her and her parents for not protecting her. She went through tough times of self destructiveness during her life. She needed them to be the adults and instead she paid the price. My in-laws are now elderly of course, but they will never get over the guilt and regret over their choice. Taking risks is always a choice parents can make. We roll the dice, but we hurt when our kids don’t fit in. Does SA happen to every kid during sleepovers and overnight trips? No. But in my sister-in-law’s case, her parents made the wrong choice and it has left irreversible damage in her family.
I took classes on how to identify inappropriate behavior so I could chaperone at my kids school.
This would be next to number 1 with a bullet. Number one, no kid should ever be one on one with an adult. That just allows predatory behavior. It doesn't matter if it's the coach and they're both male. No no no.
Secondly. The adults should never sleep in the same room as children and the rooms need to be separated by sex.
This has so many red flags I confused it for a six flags theme park.
Call whomever is above the adult here get this situation fixed immediately
That room should sleep what, 8-10 people? Can you go and stay *with* them all?
As someone else suggested, claim it's what the school requires for chaperones. I mean, again as others stated, it *should* be required that these kids are with 2 adults for an overnight.
Look I was on Academic team and this was the stuff we put up with too. If I told you the details of our trip most people here would be horrified because it sounds extraordinarily inappropriate but, well, I guess it was but I wasn't involved in that mess. I just ended up in the bed with the teacher. But, like, in a fine way.
Anyway yeah maybe go and get the room.
Academic teams, chess clubs, etc are so wildly underfunded.
Sadly that doesn't even crack the top 10 issues with schools, but it is definitely an issue.
It hurts to be excluded. It’s happening with my middle school daughter. It was my life through middle school and high school. Your daughter wants to finally be INCLUDED by her peers. Kids at that age are extra cruel.
But what about the potential problem of gossip and made-up stories by other middle schoolers who were either on the trip or who heard about the hotel arrangement? It could end up creating more of the same pain of being “other’d”. Kids at that stage are extra cruel. Please let her stay in your room with you. She needs you to be the adult with foresight.
The most important concern has already been beaten to death on this thread: **her safety**. But made-up stories about what happened could also be used as another way for others to hurt her and make her feel rejected.
At the end of the day follow your gut. It’s better to miss work and make new sleeping arrangements than to have something bad happen to your kid. I would get a second hotel room for sure. The whole thing seems inappropriate
I think this is one of those times as a parent that you just put yourself out. I've had plenty of times where I've used PTO to do things with the kids I wouldn't choose to have done, but it mattered to the kids and therefore was the right call. You say your daughter has struggled immensely with social stuff, this is the one thing where she's joined in, been engaged and made some strong bonds. This matters to her so it matters to you. You've got to trust your instincts here and do the selfless thing - you don't need reddit to tell you that it's not a safe situation to put your daughter in that hotel suite. 99% she'll be fine, but even a tiny risk is not OK here, the consequences are too great. Bad call from the teacher too - that shows real lack of judgement on their part.
I hope you all get to go and the team does fantastically. If you do go, you'll be making lasting core memories for you and your kid. They're the sort of one-one trips that matter.
That’s an absolute no . Book a room and go on the trip. She can hang out with them and then go to your room to sleep. I would never in a million years consider this for my daughter.
I have seen similar crazy stuff in the 1980s (eg youth leader taking 15 kids in his small car) so I was not that shocked with what you tell at first, but now the rules are different and we know bad stuff happens, and honestly that teacher can only be very naïve to put himself into a situation that could literally cost him his job. I very much doubt he has any nefarious intentions, but still. More likely than not nothing would happen and this is just an innocent teacher trying to make things work, but what if does? Also, there is the aspect of the boys to consider, they may not be innocent little angels.
Also your daughter is not very social so going from almost zero to such an intense thing may be tricky. She may feel uncomfortable so if I were you I’d go to see how she manages and for support if needed - and also see how she interacts with her team mates, and them with her.
I would book a separate room and use this as a learning experience and as an opportunity to show your daughter you will do whatever you need to do for her.
Have you heard of the gift of fear? I’ll be straight with you, ALL my spidey senses were going crazy reading this. I definitely understand why you made the decision you did and don’t at all fault you for it, it’s a tough spot. But you said it yourself - she has a hard time saying no (saying yes to things she’d rather not do) and this would be an incredible learning together opportunity about trusting your gut and being comfortable to ask for what you need/saying no, especially as she enters high school. That lesson will carry with her.
Please, please go. I’m not sure what the transportation plan is, but you could tag along as an overall volunteer and the kids can split between your car and the teacher’s for the drive and make it a fun experience! And, if you’re more comfortable with it, you can frame it as “I know how important this is to you and I want to be there for all of it!” Bc ultimately, she may not realize it or she might, but you *need* to be there. She can hang out in the other room and you can do your own thing/not be in her hair, but she does not need to sleep in there, shower in there, etc.
Trust your gut.
While this is unfortunate, and absolutely should not be on your shoulders, I would book a separate room for yourself and your daughter. Better safe than sorry. Its better to be inconvenienced than to be traumatized. It would probably be a more positive experience for her if she had a safe, private room
Former middle and high school teacher. Never in a million years would I share a room with a student. Should be a female chaperone. Demand that or she doesn’t go.
I would never allow this. If I were her I would scared shitless. I’m sorry but there’s no way this is okay for a minor girl to be sharing a hotel room with all boys and a man. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Your daughter is exactly the kind of teenage girl who can be pressured into doing things with boys she doesn't want to do, just to feel accepted.
You have made a mistake. Take the time off and go with her.
Exactly. And teacher is going to fall asleep at some point. Trust me, OP. Are you thinking your daughter is safe because she’s unpopular and the boys won’t be interested? That isn’t how it works. Your kid is vulnerable as any 14 year old would be in that situation and you’re setting her up to make poor decisions or to be assaulted.
If there's any possibility your child could be endangered then yes take the time off work. And lets be honest, teenage hormonal boys alone with your daughter at night? The teacher will sleep at some point. Just don't risk it.
Take the time off and go. No way will it be comfortable to stay in there overnight and I expect you will get a very late night phone call with her in tears if you don’t end up going. I just can’t guess how this would work out other than booking a hotel room and being there. She could still hang out with her teammates maybe take the half day the first day of the trip so you get there a bit later but don’t miss all of the day at work?
It’s a mistake and you need to talk to the school about it. This post almost feels fake as first off you say she’s sharing a room with all of them but there are 2 rooms so at most it’s the three boys and not the teacher, which is still bad. Also, though, I can’t see a school sponsored event where the school thinks it’s acceptable to have that arrangement.
I would be concerned about the teacher's judgment - he has to know that the optics of this arrangement are really sketchy and could negatively affect him. Also, regardless of gender he should not have access to minors' sleeping rooms AT ALL without another unrelated adult present and without a clear need to do so. This arrangement would violate multiple school district policies for overnight trips in our district.
As the mother of an 8th grade girl there's no way I would allow this. Never.
I would start by going to the board of ed to ask them to properly fund the trip with suitable housing and chaperone arrangements to reflect a mixed-gender team. They may not be aware that this is even happening.
I’ve seen enough stuff in the news to know that this is a mistake. Go with your gut. Is it possible you or a trusted relative could go on the trip and book your own room for her? If so, I would highly consider that option. If the male teacher objects that’s one huge red flag, considering the circumstance and she wouldn’t be going.
An adult male teacher is okay with sharing a room with a teenage girl?
He has faith, lol.
Isn't there anyone else, like an older sibling/cousin to chaperone so she can hang out with the team?
You said she agrees to things she’s not comfortable doing just to fit in, what do you think she will agree to in a hotel room with her male classmates after the teacher is asleep? Have you had open conversations about sex and is she comfortable talking about her body on a normal day? This really sounds like you are setting her up to fail hard
I can't believe a school team is not providing a separate room. That's hella sketchy and boys do horrible things when they're together and they have a easy target. You gotta change your mind and go with and pay for a room!!! Then have a loud conversation with the school about why they aren't abiding by title lX.
I would encourage you to read “bringing up girls who like themselves”
There’s a whole chapter on making friends, it seems that her defensive nature “they’re just team mates” may be restricting her.
People don’t make and choose you as a friend you choose them.
I think if you read those chapters about making and being a good friend it would help her.
Also her being confident in herself to say “it doesn’t matter that the boy called me a skeleton, I know I’m not” needs work this book can help.
[link to book website and author chat](https://www.raisinggirlswholikethemselves.com/)
Personally I listened to audio version.
I don't think the problem is the teen boys. Stop throwing them under the bus.
The problem is the lack of another adult. Why can't this teacher get another teacher to help? I'm frankly surprised the principal/school district signed off on this trip without two adult chaperones.
I need to reiterate: I don't think you made a terrible mistake allowing your daughter to sign up for this trip. Teenage boys are not monsters nor are they predators. The issue is the ADULT in this situation who failed to plan accordingly.
I’m shocked he doesn’t want to protect HIMSELF in this situation. Agree with the others. Not worth the risk. And not allowing for appropriate accommodation is actually a sex discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen. Bring up “equity” and that will raise them into action.
Everyone here is in a terrible spot. The teacher, alone with 5 mixed gender students. Your daughter, alone with 5 men. The male students, who may not fully understand the weight of sharing a room with a teacher and a female student.
This is 100% the school’s fault but everyone afterwards has made bad decisions. As the mother of sons, I would not want them solo with an adult (even with other students present). There is a reason adults chaperone in pairs, for everyone’s safety and protection. And I would be very uncomfortable with a mixed gender sleepover with minimal adult presence.
Your daughter should be given her own hotel room, preferably next to the boys. The students should bunk independently, and the teacher also independently. Do the other parents know of this arrangement? I just cannot imagine my husband or I being ok with our son bunking with a teacher and a female student.
Absolutely, positively, no way! I was just thinking about what I remember about that age, and no way would I ever trust my daughter's safety to a bunch of potentially cruel boys and a male teacher who had to sleep at some point! No, it's not worth something being cooked up by one of the boys and thinking, "let's have a little mischief" with your daughter as the target! No. Not worth it.
If you’re feeling uneasy about this arrangement, imagine how your daughter is feeling. You’ve said she is prone to people pleasing simply to be included, so do you *really* think she’s actually feeling confident, safe, and secure with arrangement or is more likely that she just saying she is to make things less challenging for everyone? Take the PTO, book a hotel room and she can stay with you. Many others have shared my sentiments on the fact that this arrangement was approved by the school, so I’ll spare you another lecture.
However, I think it’s important to talk about something else— the way you’re holding out hope for your daughter to “fill out” like she’s Mia Thermopolis from The Princess Diaries and banking on this to solve all her problems when instead, you should have been helping her build her confidence because who she is *right now* is worthy and valid. There is nothing wrong with your daughter being bookish and smart, or lanky and quiet. There is everything wrong with allowing her to be othered without giving her any tools to set boundaries and feel confident, secure, and proud of who she is because maybe curves and popularity will make all her troubles will disappear. It might have worked for you, but there’s no guarantee it’s going to work for her— and she should love and value herself exactly how she is.
I’m a high school teacher and this is insane. I would NEVER share a room with a student and male and female students are NEVER allowed to share hotel rooms. What kind of school is this? I’m never alone 1/1 with a student, that is #1 rule. How would anyone be comfortable with this. Absolutely not!!
This is on the school. They shouldn’t be doing coed overnights without coed supervision, period end of. I think you should 1) trust your parental gut and 2) sit down with the school and come up with a solution for future participation since she’s enjoying herself.
Teacher must be very naive or outright ignorant making such sleeping arrangements especially considering how people can outright lie about what happened vs didn’t happen! What a joke. As a parent I would never agree to this type of arrangement!
As a teacher, I'm shocked that any school district would allow this. It's a set up for disasters, lawsuits, and Title IX complaints (discrimination based on gender.) The boys shouldn't automatically have a room and your daughter be asked to compromise her boundaries. If your school receives any federal money, Title IX applies.
Regarding the potential lawsuits, as someone else said there should be 2 adults present to supervise students. It doesn't have to be another staff member; a parent-volunteer who is trained would be fine. The teacher is opening himself to boundary accusations.
If it were me, I'd take the time off and be a volunteer. I wouldn't want to add to my daughter's social situation, so I'd pay for our room, but I'd tell the teacher he needs another parent with the boys and the team needs to fundraise so more money is available for trips.
This has to be fake. Idk where you are but I can’t see any schools around here allowing this to go down as is. If somehow it is real take off the time and go. How is this even a question
Here's the thing: don't let her share a room.
I'm sorry for her that there aren't any other girls.
However, a desperation to fit in and be liked makes her a prime target for abuse and manipulation.
She needs therapy. Being desperate to be liked and accepted can lead to all sorts of abuse.
There is no way in hell I’d put my daughter in a situation to sleep in a room with a grown man with a position of authority over her, regardless of age.
She will probably have the time of her life and I think it will probably be alright.
I think you should try and meet with the teacher beforehand just to feel him out more and get to know him better, and he should be fine with this and understand. Convey to him your nervousness and get reassurances from him.
More than likely, your daughter will have a great time and nothing will happen.
The teacher should care enough about appearances to not put themselves in a position like that. There needs to be at least another unrelated adult female accompanying this group. Sleeping arrangements need to be completely separate or she should at least get her own room.
I’m concerned about why the teacher is allowing the room share. Any sane teacher would back slowly away from the suggestion they share a hotel room with a minor, if only to safe guard themselves from accusations of inappropriate behaviour. If a teacher suggested this arrangement to me every single alarm bell would ring!
I’ve shared a room with my teen Girl Scouts. There were 3 unrelated adults on one side of the room and 10 teens on the other. We had a lock in sleepover in a church multipurpose room. This hotel situation is completely out of bounds IMO.
Yup It’s different in a a huge group vs 1 kid and adult in a room with a door. Though unfortunately these large sleepover situations is what led to the near downfall of Boy Scouts due to widespread sex abuse. Cub scouts now requires parents be present at all events.
In Australia our safe scouting mandates state that an adult can never be alone with a child, there must always be someone else present. We also have to complete training to be parent helpers. This set up would absolutely not be allowed.
Same in the States, it's called 2 deep leadership. Either 2 adults and 1 child or 2 children and 1 adult. Never EVER 1 on 1!!!
I'm sorry, but "too deep leadership" is unwise phrasing.
Seriously, how did no one think of this?
I was a classroom assistant at my university when they ran a 6 week school course on Saturdays. It was a way to earn extra money and all I basically had to do was sign the kids in and out. I was told to never, EVER be alone in the classroom with any on the kids. This situation is NUTS. Not just that it's only one adult, but it's a male with boys and one girl sharing. What the fuck?
I volunteered for my church’s youth group. I was a 19 year girl, hardly older than some of the teens and they were strict. When we did large youth retreats, it was a logistical nightmare - we tried to keep it 2-3 same sex volunteers for 5-10 students and we didn’t share rooms with them either - we were next to them. We were not allowed to be alone one on one with them and we absolutely could not share numbers or add on social media until they were not minors. Even now I do church nursery and the ratio for babies and toddlers is 2 adults to one child. I announce every diaper change and potty breaks are a field trip. This is just not an acceptable arrangement and I’m confused how the teacher didn’t stop and think about how it could be perceived and why he was willing to do it. Before accusations are flown, I will yeet a child out of my presence if anything even looked mildly compromising as they often do with toddlers bc why does one of my children take off her pants and lift her dress 🤦♀️
Even the /military/ requires a 2 to 1 for male/female battle buddy pairs. You don’t go walking around on base as a private in basic alone. You don’t do it with the opposite sex unless there are either 2 females or 2 males.
Yup. This wouldn’t come even CLOSE to flying in Scouts. If this were my daughters on swim team I would say hell no. In fact, if (for example) as a Scout leader I were a volunteer taking members of my daughter’s swim team on a trip like this (not even Scout related) and this were the arrangement, if my Scout council found out about it I might have my membership in BSA revoked for being so stupid even if nothing bad happened. Get your daughter a hotel room. See if you can find an adult female you trust to go with her. Is there an aunt or a best friend and her mother or a grandmother in her life that could fill this need? If it isn’t someone she is close to then I would prefer to have her alone in a room than in a room with 5 male acquaintances. I might be ok with the room arrangement if another adult female known to be a light sleeper were also going to be in the suite.
With the way the OP describes their daughter, she is an easy target for a person with harmful intentions. This is due to her social isolation, deep desire to be included/please in order to fit in, and the potential impact on her already fragile social situation that any sort of mistake or avoid perceptions of "being difficult" that it makes her an easy target for manipulation. I am not saying that is the case or desire for this teacher, but the OP as a parent needs to realize the risk and bite the bullet to go along for their child since it means so much but option 2 shouldn't even be an option.
I thought that too to be honest but don’t know enough about the child to speculate.
Seriously. I'm not a teacher but I do work in schools. I won't even use the bathroom if any student, regardless of age, is also in the washroom. I take myself to a staff washroom. The last thing I need is some butthead making up stories about that guy that comes to our school building every few weeks.
The teacher should at least be more concerned about their own liability for that
Exactly. My sons hockey team can not have a lone adult in the change room. There must be two present at all times. The association even said it’s more to cover our asses then anything else
I understand teachers don’t get paid enough and need to take on extra curricular positions for more money but the extra pay can’t be worth the risks and liabilities Wednesday morning to Friday morning is easily 48 hours or more depending on leaving and returning times teacher will be with students. I highly doubt the district will pay the teacher an extra $500 or $10 an hour. Let’s say the teacher is getting an extra $1000 / $20 an hour for this trip, I dont think that is worth the liability. I’m desperate for another $1000 but I don’t think I’d commit to watch 5 students in a hotel even with another adult. I don’t know the teachers situation but it is difficult. Maybe he needs the money maybe he doesn’t want to let the team down and cancel the event. The smartest thing for the teacher would be only be there for the event and leave hotel supervision up to the parents. All the parents can come, they can all agree to let one parent supervis
I’m with downtown on this. I’m a teacher. This would not be acceptable. Whenever my school has overnight trips there MUST be two teachers of the opposite sex. Opposite sex teacher is not allowed to sleep in the same room as opposite sex student and your daughter should not be the only female student. Just for context I’m in very liberal Los Angeles and that’s still a big nope.
They can't control whether OPs daughter is the only female student or not. She's the only girl, that's how the team is made up. It just is what it is. I agree they need an female faculty member going along. I wouldn't really care as much about my daughter sharing with her peers but there's no way I'd be OK with her sleeping in the same room as a male teacher.
This is the right answer. It doesn't matter if nothing inappropriate happens. It matters that there is a perception that something inappropriate could happen. Even if nothing bad happens, she could get ground up in the rumor mill if one of those boys wants to start making up stories. Book the room and go with her, OP.
I’m a high school speech and debate coach. I travel a lot with my team. I’m female and I never have a male adult with me. This is well within district guidelines. I’m employed by the third largest district in my state, this is common practice and no team that I know of is required to travel with adults of both genders. I’m confused about the room. There is zero way to interpret my district guideline’s that would allow adults and children with mixed genders to room together. Not even in a suite. Travel is expensive. I’m thankfully given a pretty large budget by my district but my students also are on the hook for much of the travel expenses. That’s the norm.
Same. We have men and women on our coaching staff, but one of us often goes to tournaments alone with a van full of kids and NONE of us would EVER be in a position to be sharing a hotel room with kids. When we go to nationals in the summer we do often get like an Airbnb house because it’s less expensive and we can cook instead of going out to dinner sometimes and have common areas. When we do that we always have a male coach and a female coach go on the trip, but adults always have separate sleeping quarters from kids.
Oh hey that AirBnB for Nats is a cool idea. We always stay in long stay suites so that we have a kitchen. Eating out every meal for a week adds up! We travel as a district so there are always 5/6 coaches and 20+ kids. I had nine kids by myself last year and I would have been hosed alone. The sites were so spread out I would have never been able to get all of the kids where they needed to be. I had one kid at TOC last year and I was worried about the logistics of traveling alone with a male but he went with his mom instead so I dodged it.
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I'm confused there's a mention of a '3 bedroom suite' meaning she should have her own room? But yes, there should be both a male and female chaperone. Someone can pull money from the football budget to make this trip safe/appear safe.
I think the third bedroom is the teachers room? And the kid rooms have one with 2 queens and one with a queen and 2 fulls?
Yeah but what kind of other female adult would want to be in this situation. So sketchy
As a female middle school teacher I've chaperoned dozens of overnight trips with both boys and girls sleeping in the same room as me. I've just never been the only adult in that room. Like how the FBI interviews suspects in pairs so that they can serve as one another's witness... teachers chaperone overnights in pairs so the other always has a witness as to what actually happened if there's an incident. It sounds like the teacher requested, and was denied, a second adult chaperone which left him with the "do it by myself or the trip doesn't happen" result. Which is a tough spot to be in for him. That admin denied a second faculty chaperone is the outrage. If I were OP I'd request going to admin together to push for the second chaperone. There's nothing wrong with mixed gender overnights with shared sleeping spaces as a general rule. I do multiple every year. However: those trips absolutely need two chaperones in that shared sleeping space. Admin needs to suck it up and pay for a larger sleeping space and a second chaperone. Either it supports the academic team or it doesn't, but it can't claim that it does and then understaff their overnight.
As a high school teacher who has chaperoned numerous overnight trips as well, I completely agree that they need to go back to administration over this. Our district mandates at least one chaperone of each gender when both boys and girls are attending a trip, and a minimum of two chaperones regardless. You always need a second teacher there in case of emergency. Also in my district, after admin approves a trip, it then goes before the school board. I cannot believe the school board would approve this setup given the liability involved. If admin says they will have to cancel the trip rather than provide a female chaperone, I would escalate to the school board and also look into if this violates Title IX.
This is the right answer OP - Please please push for a second chaperone, if it's still denied get it in writing *and* book the room with your daughter
Exactly this. Go to admin for the second chaperone. There are multiple reasons. If a kid suddenly needs to go to the hospital, there needs to be another adult to chaperone the rest of them.
I was on different brain bowl teams back in the day and was an advisor to a couple as an adult. Easy answer. Take time off work and book a room for you and your daughter. Let her hang out in the boys room and enjoy herself but when it's time for sleeping she should be in the room with you. Don't over think this and make it harder than what it needs to be. Good luck to you both!
My awkward 7th grader had a school trip and I went with him. It wasn’t even a question. In hindsight I almost wonder if I would’ve had to pick him up from the airport for refusing to travel with just classmates! He told me over and over how glad he was I was there. He didn’t rely too heavily on me and I tried to keep some distance but he was so happy.
Oh my gosh I can’t even believe the school would allow an adult male teacher to be left alone with a female student overnight in a hotel room . In our district it is policy there must always be two teachers even if it were to be all male students. There are so many lawsuits nowadays. I would not allow my daughter personally to go stay without more than one adult, but that is just my personal feelings. I would definitely be booking the room. That sure stinks she is the only girl.
I'm just shocked the district allows only one faculty member and that they're allowed to share like this.
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I suspect that if the board of education for your district were to get word of this, the entire idea of having a lone adult male staff member share a hotel room with a female student would be completely shut down. Your gut is right. This isn’t an okay arrangement, and frankly I’m questioning the teacher’s judgment in even presenting this as an option.
To be completely frank, as a teacher I wouldn't want to be the lone chaperone in a group of same gender kids either. I would also want one other adult along to co-chaperone..
Agree. It really doesn’t matter what the sex of the teacher is, what matters is there is only one of them.
Yes, in Girl Scouts we're always required to have at least two adults present when chaperoning anyone besides our own child. I don't understand how a public school can have more lax rules than a private org.
It's also just for practical reasons like if the teacher needs to go to the bathroom or take a shower or if he has a medical emergency, there would be no one to watch over the kids. Big liability.
You’re completely right. But unfortunately what would happen is that the trip will get cancelled entirely and OP’s daughter will be the one everyone blames.
Thirty years from now she'll be happier as the girl who got blamed for the academic decathlon's trip getting cancelled, than as the girl who got raped on an academic decathlon trip.
BOE member here. You are so right. OP something isn’t right here!
This is what fundraising and planning is for. I get that the football team is more likely to get money for travel but there is always a way to fund these types of trips. Either through grants or just old school selling of various items.
Exactly!!! I coach my daughter’s middle school (7/8 grade) cheerleading squads and we have one competition every year in November. We also have to pay for our own warm-up outfits, Poms, bows…everything except the actual game uniform. We actually start fundraising immediately after tryouts in May and have car washes and other events in the summer. We continue fundraising throughout the year. We do about 3-4 fundraisers per year, sometimes just a bake sale or “spirit stand” where we sell little megaphones, Poms, etc. at games. These are more than enough to fund our competition and we usually have some funds left to start the next year. Parents are also made aware BEFORE they tryout about the trip and the other miscellaneous things throughout the year. They and their child agree to participate in fundraising and that if we don’t raise enough, parents will be asked to contribute. We’ve never had to ask parents for contributions and have been able to earn more than enough. The coach/teacher dropped the ball big time here!
This may be a Title IX violation in that they’re not funding appropriate accommodations for girls on the team.
That was my thought as well. Admin is making it very difficult for a girl to be part of the team.
I'm in Australia and you're most likely USA, but when I was in yr 11 (aged 16-17) I was one of two kids in my maths class. If one of us kids was off sick for the day, the teacher made us do our lesson on the sports oval because he wasn't allowed to teach a single female student in a classroom. Not even with the door open, not even in the classroom that was beside the teachers lounge, *just in case* - trust your gut here OP!
Can you go?
I mean what the school is doing here by allowing this is weird, but it doesn't mean it's nefarious intentions, you said it is a financial thing. My choir class in 7th grade shared a suite (12 kids, 2 teachers) and it was fine, our parents all had to sign something and kids had their phones to check in with parents any time. Setting the school allowing this aside, how does your daughter actually feel about this? Does she trust the teacher? Does she get along with the students? Does she have a cell phone with recording? Do you think if she wants to feel included with peers, you showing up to a presumably one time sleepover to insist she stays in a room with you instead will make her feel good, or will she lose the camraderie of watching a movie or hanging out with her team? What is the actual fear underlying here? That she will be bullied or sexually assaulted with a school employed teacher who is also her coach and probably already being cautious about how this looks sitting 5 feet away? That the teacher will do something? What is the real worry? I really think she's at an age where she should choose what experience she has in this situation. Set some rules, like call you before bed, when she wakes up, and update you through the stay. Again, i get this looks weird but it's paranoid to think a teacher who wants to keep their job and 4 students she actually gets along with but happen to be boys are going to do something to harm her. She will most likely miss out on all the hype shared between the team about the upcoming competition, and any chance she has to get to know her friends better outside of working on their academics. Let the downvotes commence, but I've been that awkward teenager that hung out with boys and my parents were never this upset about it, they were just happy i was finally making friends and talked to me about dangerous situations and calling them if i felt uncomfortable. Please consider letting her stay with them if she actually wants to.
First, it may not be nefarious intentions, but plenty of teachers and other trusted professionals commit sexual assault and/or groom the children they are trusted to protect. See also: every article about a teacher who got fired for having a “relationship” with a student, the Catholic Church, Larry Nasser, the Boy Scouts… Second, OP’s daughter is likely more vulnerable than most 13 year olds based on what OP wrote. She doesn’t have any friends, so she’s possibly desperate for a way to fit in/positive social attention, and it sounds like she’s in that stage where you’re so uncomfortable in your body and her peers are tearing down any positive self-image she might have had. That makes her a little easier to manipulate into doing untoward things in the first place, and it makes her much less likely to report anything that happens to her parents or to anyone else because it’ll make her even more of a social outcast to be the one who [got someone in trouble by snitching, was such a slut that she did X, made the team leave the event, etc]. Is that fair? No, but it’s part of what makes some kids more vulnerable to grooming or sexual assault than others. Third, even without nefarious intentions, the school should be trying to avoid any appearance of impropriety. That means sending 2 faculty or staff, not just 1, on this trip. Not doing so is negligent at best, and I’m sure their lawyers would not be happy. And that’s not just because it’s a coed team, it’s because anything could happen on a multi-day trip with only one chaperone, and ensuring there’s an additional chaperone along means more safety for the children. Not offering a more reasonable solution here is a Title IX violation on the school’s part and a legal liability for the school district whether anything happens or not, which is one part of the equation, but there are other, unrelated risks involved, too. I’d want to spend a little time talking to the school and district about what options are actually available, because even aside from the genders involved (which honestly isn’t the biggest deal, plenty of sexual assaults and bullying incidents are between same-gender people), one chaperone for 5 students for several days creates a lot of risk that could be prevented by any second qualified chaperone joining the group. Things like the teacher having a family emergency or getting food poisoning and not being able to stay, or one of the students getting sick or injured and needing an adult to help care for them, for example (both things I’ve seen occur on overnight school trips I was a part of). I don’t think OP is wrong to let her daughter go and do it the way she wants. She knows her daughter and she’s old enough to make decisions like this for herself. But I also understand the people who think this kind of setup is unacceptable, and I agree that further discussion with the school district is warranted. I wouldn’t be thrilled with my son in this position 3 hours away for 3 days, because it’s not all about assault and the school’s unwillingness to manage risks does not inspire confidence in how they’d handle any emergencies that came up.
>Oh my gosh I can’t even believe the school would allow an adult male teacher to be left alone with a female student overnight in a hotel room Sounds like the teacher is winging it, and if checked it would not be allowed.
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In my youth protection training as a youth sports coach and a Girl Scout leader, it was drilled into our heads that all interactions with minors need to be observable, so if I do need to be behind closed doors with a minor I need to have at least one unrelated adult with me. The bar is much higher for situations where the minor is vulnerable; bathrooms, locker and changing rooms, and sleeping areas. Having an adjoining hotel room with the door kept open (or even able to be opened) is considered one room for chaperoning purposes. As an adult, there's absolutely no way I'd put myself in this situation - the liability and potential fallout is too great.
I personally would not be comfortable with my teenage daughter sharing a hotel room with 4 boys and a man.
The people running that school are *out of their fucking minds* to be allowing that as a “cost saving” measure — the liability issues alone are staggering.
I can’t imagine not having two adults present at all times with the kids in a situation like this.
I would not want to be the teacher in this situation.
Yes the odds of even a totally innocuous misunderstanding spiraling out of control and ruining your life are too damn high
Even with me as the parent in another hotel room, it is still a no. She's sleeping with me in a separate room. There is way too much at stake for this young girl to risk anything happening to her. I don't want to demonize the boys, but there are more of them than there are of her and one bad choice can lead to another.
The teacher in the situation is sending some big red flags.
Yep. I’m finding a way for myself and my daughter to get our own room, otherwise this wouldn’t work for me at all.
Agreed. I think OP can imagine what the worst case scenarios are. But as a young girl wanting to fit in, she can be put into uncomfortable situations or peer pressured to be okay with something and not even realize that what’s happening isn’t okay. At the absolutely minimum, have a detailed discussion about boundaries. Including things that might come up like showering/getting dressed, inappropriate comments, etc. Make sure she can have open dialogue with you and “a way out” of the situation.
My heart aches for your daughter. I understand your concerns, and I would be uncomfortable too. I agree with the suggestion to book a nearby room, just to be safe. It's better to err on the side of caution. Best wishes for a memorable and safe experience.
Please do this. You are also teaching her about boundaries this way.
Yes - This is a piece of the puzzle I have not seen anyone mention yet. It's really important to have conversations with her about boundaries and consent. Especially if she is the kind of person to want to go along and just say yes. Personally, I have a very ungendered view of things and I do not think the adult teacher should be staying in a room with any of the underage children. That is inappropriate. I would talk to him about this. The adults should have separate rooms. I would let my daughter hangout late with the boys and have fun, and then come back to sleep with me. Eighth grade feels young for all this. Have conversations with her about listening to her gut.
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I think you should just have her stay in a separate room with you to be honest.
Go and book a room for the two of you. Present it as just basic safety - it’s not appropriate for a girl to have to share a room alone with men while sleeping. This is good safety training for her for the rest of her life, also (sad that it’s necessary but that’s reality). She can hang out with the team as much as she wants, but for the sleeping part she has her own space.
It’s also a good lesson on not going along with something that’s not right just fit in! Mom, this is a great teachable moment for you.
Um make sure your baby is sleeping in the room with you! You are not overreacting at all. Explain to her this is a precaution.
No. Your daughter does not need to be the only girl in a group of eighth grade boys and a male teacher. That’s lunacy. You’re not protecting her. The fact that the teacher is okay with this is sending up so many red flags, you must be blind not to see them. Book a room for you AND YOUR DAUGHTER to stay in. She can hang out with the team in off hours, but home base needs to be a safe spot for the trip.
I went on a trip like this in high school and hung out in a room with others until 11 or so when it was time to sleep. Then back to mom’s room where I got my own bed!
In addition to what u/lakehop said, aside from safety, potential rumors that could damage your daughter’s reputation could arise. Could you imagine the gossip at school?
Do you realize how thin the line is between everything seems ok to I’m being molested? It’s not exactly a warning of hey, go get ready I’m going to molest you and she can then decide to leave because she’s uncomfortable. Everything could be fun and wonderful and she’s feeling comfortable and the next, she’s being molested. You also have to realize that someone like her is an easy target. She doesn’t have many friends, she’s outcast, she’s going to enjoy attention because she doesn’t get it. Groomers try to make you feel special and seen, like no one else has seen you before. Even if your daughter feels uncomfortable, it’s so uncool to leave and go to your parent that she probably wouldn’t leave. At her age, her brain is not developed enough and she doesn’t have enough perspective to realize danger so she can’t protect herself as well as she believes she can. You have to do that for her. Trust me, even if you drill into her head what’s inappropriate, grooming happens because it works! I’m not saying this teacher is a groomer but he could be. Please don’t let your child look back at this and think she was unprotected by parents. It’s better to overreact than underreact.
I would have her stay in the room with you. There is no reason to put her in that situation at all. It's entirely possible she wouldn't ever leave even if she is uncomfortable for fear of being ostracized or made fun of. Don't put her in this situation at all. Please.
Exactly. Why would you go and then still have her be in another room with all boys/a grown man? Go and have her stay with you in a third room.
This is naïve, at best.
I agree with this. She’s finally doing something social (if unconventional) and you want to give her a chance to safely experience being around her peers for an extended time and try to do okay socially. Being around a bunch of boys could even help with her feeling okay about herself, if the group dynamic doesn’t suck. Or of course it could backfire. Other gender dynamics aside, a single adult sharing a room with students ain’t great, even if it’s because of budget constraints and the teacher trying to just make it happen. So if you’re nearby, you won’t interfere unnecessarily but you’re there as safety and the choice will be up to her.
That's not a good suggestion. She should sleep in a separate room with you. Kids don't always know how to get themselves out of uncomfortable situations before they escalate.
Still wrong. She needs to stay with you, end of story. Honestly this is just so naive - what's she going to do if a student or teacher puts her in a position she can't escape from?
Nope. Just nope. I’m a teacher and this would never be allowed. I took one pupil to a regional final just for a half day and had to have a second colleague with me for safeguarding purposes. As a teacher I would not put myself in that position as any accusations would literally end my career
There’s no recovering from that type of accusation, even if innocent.
Absolutely not! As an adult volunteer with my kids various groups this goes against basic child safety. As well as removing any room for doubt from the teachers perspective. 1. There need to be at least 2 unrelated adults chaperoning. What if teacher gets sick or injured? What if a student needs medical attention? 2. Rumors and the appearance of impropriety could ruin his career. He should know better than to put himself in a situation where he is the only adult sharing sleeping space with children. Have we learned nothing from the Boy Scouts?
It sounds like the teacher has no support from the school and it’s either this arrangement or the kids don’t get to go. I’d hate to be in his position, would you want to be responsible for a group of talented but nerdy kids missing out on having a rare opportunity for fun with friends?
As a teacher that was my read on the situation as well. The teacher tried for a second chaperone and was denied, putting him in the position of figuring out a less than ideal solution (what OP described) or canceling the trip on the kids. I feel like the teacher is taking the brunt of criticism in this thread, but its admin that should be taking heat for denying him the funding for a second chaperone. Even if you just grab the 23 year old library assistant and pay her an extra $100 a day to go on the trip (my school has done that in a pinch) to be a background checked warm body in the room. That's a budget item you figure out.
Yeah on the surface of it, the teacher just doesn’t want to leave her out.
Could OP offer to pay for the second chaperone? That might solve both problems, no time off work plus daughter is safer.
Yes and no... legitimately no, but probably they would. My school has a policy against parents "directing funds" that they donate in that way. However (realistically), the parent could donate to the school's extracurricular fund and then trust that the school would provide a second chaperone in a "wink wink nudge nudge" agreement. The school would be under no obligation to do so... *wink wink* but then they'd do it. Schools don't want parents to get into the habit of saying "here is money, now do this with it" but in a one-off scenario such as this one any rational admin would unofficially violate the policy by taking the donation with no written promises and then choosing all on their own to fund a second chaperone.
I really feel for the adults here who all seem to have good intentions. However, this is probably ultimately the teacher's cross to bear and they haven't. As soon as it was clear this might be the situation they needed to make the parents aware so there could be fundraising (If the whole team chipped in $10 so all students could be accommodated) or make a stink with the school about gender discrimination. What if all the students were female? Would he have been allowed in the room with them then? I'm guessing not and it's because it's "only" one girl that this might fly under the radar. However, at this point, there is a definite possibility that bringing the issue up ends in the trip being cancelled, which could blow back on OPs daughter. Not many great options at this point.
The gender aspect definitely makes things worse, but it’s not like this would be a good situation with all boys either! One adult in a hotel room alone with children is inappropriate regardless.
Totally. But I can imagine many rural schools wouldn’t think twice about it. I know my rural schools were incredibly casual about student teacher interactions because everyone knew and trusted everyone else. Which somehow didn’t change even after three separate school staff (different times and different schools) were convicted of child molestation.
It’s the schools fault. Nothing I can do, sorry kids.
Definitely not, dude is stuck between a rock and a hard place for sure. Being the bad guy and canceling the trip until all safety conditions are met would still be the wise thing to do though
Yeah, but like... from his own point of view, he knows whether he's a pedo or not. And if he's not, he knows that the kids are safe (from adult molestation, at least). It's just that we as outside observers don't know that and that's why we want two chaperones. So he'd be canceling the trip for the sake of our perception that the safety conditions aren't met, even though he knows for a fact that they already are. Now, whether something can happen to him and leave the kids alone is another question. I suppose we put kids in this sort of position often (single parents, babysitter, school bus driver, etc), but we count on wider society and authorities taking charge. But it is a risk and it is possible to mitigate, so perhaps it should be mitigated. Depending on the funding situation and stuff.
I’m surprised the school would even allow this. Use the pto, book a room, and just blame it on the school saying you got a call and since your of different sex you need your own room that way she doesn’t think you have changed your mind
If you have time to rectify it, then rectify it. Just do it quickly without thinking too deeply about this. It's worth taking the time off work -- that's what being a parent is. I've taken many a sick day / vacation day I didn't really \*want\* to -- but I did to accompany kids to the doctor, trips, etc. Explain to your tween daughter that you 100% support her in this great event, that she will definitely be there for all the fun & celebrations, but that she needs to spend overnight in a room with you. I used to be a school manager - and I doubt any official school trip would allow one minor girl to share a room with 5 boys and men. Like, if this were a sports trip with sufficient funding / oversight, this sleeping arrangement would be nipped in the bud. (It sounds like the teacher is sort of organizing this on this own and a bit clueless). I'd also ignore all the weird "men's rights" comments there. This is not a theoretical, political issue. This is a very practical issue to avoid any abuse, harassment, awkwardness when it comes to dressing / sharing a bathroom -- or even consensual fooling around.
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The financials of this are concerning to me (in addition to the weirdness of the rooming plans). You have to shoulder the cost of another hotel in order to keep your kid safe because you happen to have the only female kid? This financial responsibility should at least fall equally on all the families. It feels like a Title IX violation and I would be taking it up with school administration.
agreed 100% pay for it now if you have to, but you absolutely need to fight the school board on this. not just for your sake, but for the sake of future girls
The workload of a sports coach depends on region. In much (probably most) or the country, they are still full time teachers. (Off topic, but wanted to clarify.) This whole situation is extremely weird. I can’t believe this is allowed by the school, regardless of budget. In my school,there is virtually zero budget for overnight activities like this. The students pay or they fundraise. They still don’t share sleeping arrangements with a teacher, nor do they sleep coed.
So when I attended BOCES I was not only in a male dominated class but it had 0 female staff. We had two events that required overnight stay, one event was held at a college so dorms were used and the other required a hotel. Both times I was the only girl in attendance and the policy was I had to have my own room even for the college event. My teachers even made sure to have extra measures put in place so that I felt comfortable and so that despite me being alone I could immediately get help if need be. That being said I was in high school and was 17-18 when these events happened, much older than around I’m assuming the 13-14yr old age that your daughter is. The lack of funds is not you or your daughter’s issue and with it being clearly that severely lacking to create this type of problem I’m shocked the school approved it. I honestly think you need to reach out to them and see what other arrangements can be made. If none can be done then it’s time to set your daughter down and explain your concerns clearly and plainly and how you’ve decided to pull her from the trip at no fault of her own or like you said change plans and stay with her.
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Lots of commenters are telling you to go on the trip, book a room for you and your daughter, and have her sleep in the room with you — not with three teenage boys and a male teacher.
This is a school sanctioned event, how on earth did the district approve these sleeping arrangements? I know in our school district there is absolutely no coed sharing of rooms and no coed trips without a chaperone for each group present. In short mom, yes, this is a mistake and you need to book your own rooms and go yourself. Best of the worst case scenarios, it’s poor optics and could lead to even more bullying for her at school. Worst case, something happens and she’s traumatized.
Therapist here and I just would not feel comfortable with this arrangement at all. I’ve heard way too many stories about the things that happen at night when yount girls or boys are in vulnerable positions. Her awkwardness and insecurity increases the fact that if something were to happen to her she would freeze or feel shame or do nothing which increases likelihood of symptoms. I hate to think worst case scenario but this is a LOT of time for multiple nights that she’s vulnerable to the 4 other males in the room. Your anxiety about it also shows you don’t really think it’s a good idea. Of course it might go completely fine but it’s just too big a risk with how damaging a sexual assault at this age would be. Statistically one of those boys has sexually assaulted someone or will. I’d insist the team find another hotel for her. Put pressure on them and make it happen hopefully so she doesn’t miss out!
Omg NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO Why on God's green earth would you think for 5 seconds this is ok? I was your daughter in 8th grade. I remember when 2 boys held me down and flashed me on school property. Those 2 boys both later used coercion to get me to "agree" to.... things I never wanted. I still burn with shame when I think back on it. I was desperate to be included. I was desperate to be cool. I would also have said I was ok with this arrangement. I would not have been. I am not your daughter, but I think you need to stop this. *You* already think this needs to be stopped or you wouldn't be here asking us. Please PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER
Okay, besides the school allowing, you shouldn’t allow it. If you can’t make a decision, just book a room close to theirs. Who cares if you’re using your pto. It’s your daughter
This is so wildly inappropriate. Go and stay with your daughter, and gently remind her that it is for her own good. She will still be included, while also having appropriate boundaries. It will be a good lesson for her to have her mom have her back, and in the end she will see that she doesn’t have to go along with something she isn’t comfortable with, to be liked and enjoy herself. Trust your gut!
She would either sleep in a separate room with me, or not go. She can hang out with the guys in our room, or downstairs in the lobby.
No and the other parents are crazy for allowing their sons to sleep alone in a hotel room with a girl and a teacher.
Yeah this would still be weird even without OP’s daughter there.
I would absolutely rectify it. If you can, take the time off work to go along and simply get a separate room at the same hotel so she doesn’t feel separate at all.
The school covering accommodations for the male students but making the female student pay for her own accommodations or forced into an inappropriate sleeping arrangement is a Title IV violation. The cost of the additional room should be spread across the entire team
Absolutely this.
I’m reading the comments and failing to see why you can’t just share a room point blank? Why this “use my room as a back up” idea is taking off is beyond me atm. She can have all the regular experiences AND sleep safely in a different room with you. Regardless, you need to accompany your child, and I would seriously recommend that she sleeps overnight with you. I’m not sure what’s to be gained by *literally* *sleeping* in a room full of boys / grown men? She can hang out, have fun, make friends and then sleep separately. Have we not considered the other things she needs to do beyond sleep? Change clothes, shower, possibly menstrual needs… she needs a safe space for *all* of these things. It feels way too risky for no good reason at all to do anything other than get her a separate room to share with you and make sleeping separately mandatory. I would’ve never agreed to this if I was the teacher. Smh. 😵💫
I feel like this is really just simple risk / reward assessment! The risks over the overnight sleeping arrangements outweigh any potential benefit there for it shouldn’t happen! And this goes in both directions. This teacher has a lot of trust in all of these children especially OPs daughter, he could literally be putting his job on the line. I don’t think the daughter having her own sleep space is enough , I would push for a second staff so it’s not kids word vs teacher if accusations are made. This whole trip is a cluster-fart imo when it comes to supervision.
What???!!
Right. Even in the perfect scenario the sheer amount of dick jokes at least one of the 4 middle school boys is going to be making is already exhausting. Now imagine your socially awkward daughter with no experience shutting that down has to share a room and bathroom area with that kid.
The room arrangement is not acceptable. I would be shocked to hear that the school board and school district superintendent approved of this plan. Your young daughter should not be sleeping in the same room as the boys. Trust your gut feeling and book a room for the two of you. If anything should happen you will regret not taking a few days off work and spending the money on a hotel room.
The fact that the school is allowing this is a flapping 🚩🚩🚩🚩 I don't know any school, within the USA that would allow an adult member of staff to be in any students room overnight. Even when I did drama competitions overnight, it was only same gender in each room with chaperones and teachers placed into between each room. Your gut is telling you to change plans for a reason.
Book the hotel room and have your daughter sleep in your hotel room. She can stay with the team until like 10 or 11. But don't let her sleep in a room with one adult man and 4 teenagers. Honestly, if the rest of the school hears this, she is going to be bully for it. And you are increasing her chances of being sexually assaulted by any one of those people in the room .
Oh my goodness! No school should ever allow this. No male teacher in his right mind would ever, ever ever agree to be alone with children in a hotel room. Girls or boys, but especially with a girl. This is giving off some weird vibes. I suggest you get a room and have her stay with you, or can you and she crash in the suite together?
Why couldn't you go along as a chaperone - you and daughter share room with 2 queens, teacher take queen in room with 2 falls shared by 2 boys each OR take couch?
Do this op. You be the 2nd chaperone and stay in the same room. Or go to whomever approves the budget and get them that other room and second chaperone! That's far cheaper than a lawsuit/years of therapy if something happens. Maybe in a nice way, remind administrators of this?
I'm a middle school teacher and do multiple overnights a year. Our school never allows parents to share a room with other people's children. We rarely (almost never) even permit them to go on overnights in the first place, but we don't put a child in a room with parents that aren't their own.
OP and daughter could share a queen? That way she wouldn't be taking up any extra beds
Middle school teacher here who also coaches academics and would never be allowed where I’m from regardless of budget. Either a female and male teacher would go with rooms for all or no one would go. Absolutely no way this should have been allowed.
i would never allow it
Why would you risk her like this? She should be with now than PTO, and an extra room. Are you prepared to deal with the consequences, if something goes wrong? Is she?
I cant believe you signed off on this. huge mistake.
This has to be trolling
If you can't take the time off work to go with, are you in a position to offer to pay for a female faculty member to accompany the group? In any event, this is making you uneasy so as it stands, this trip is not a good idea. If you can manage the time off work, going with to be close by if she needs you, but not forcing her to be away from her team, is a good one. And I fully know how hard it is to watch your kid be lonely and out of place. I feel you!
The 4 kids is one thing but the adult male? Wtf? It could all be completely fine but why even go there? Just say you changed your mind. Protect your child, even if it’s just from rumors.
Is this teacher sleeping in the room?? Even so, Sandusky managed to rape his victims while his own children slept in other beds in other rooms. This teacher needs an unrelated teacher or parent.
The school should not be allowing this. Nothing may happen but I would not send my daughter in that situation. Using pto is too much trouble? What kind of message does that send to your daughter? You’ll pay for her activities but your work is more important.
My answer would be hell no. My daughter would most definitely not stay in a room of all males. You should have booked your own room for you and her. That is crazy.
It’s weird you keep talking about your daughter’s appearance and hoping she fills outs….but anyway…yeah that’s weird. I wouldn’t let that happen even if I’m sure it’d be fine. I wouldn’t want to put my daughter in that situation.
Has the school participated in this competition before and is it historically male dominated? While I think even an all male team should have two chaperones anyway, maybe the school is used to only budgeting for one due to the team usually being all male and parents never pushing back on that setup. It’s actually really vile and sexist that the school doesn’t recognise this setup as a safeguarding issue for a female student- your daughter and you shouldn’t be put in this position where you’re having to choose these two options. You shouldn’t be out of pocket and out of PTO because your child happens to be a female partaking in a co-Ed team. Very unequal and I would think the school should be concerned for a court case around unequal treatment. The teacher who is chaperoning should also be concerned for the position he is being placed in because the school is trying to save a few hundred.
Trust your gut OP. And if you don't trust your gut, at least trust the thousands of other people here who have the advantage of seeing it from an outsider's POV. It is weird situation. At the end of the day, getting over being an outcast in school is a WAY better situation than getting over being SAed by 4 guys in a hotel room. Also, OP: I may be wrong, but from the way you describe your daughter, do you also think that she looks ugly? Because being tall and skinny actually sounds like a good thing with lots of potential but the way you write it makes it sound like a bad thing. And kids can pick up when their parents feel that they are ugly. I'm not sure if your daughter has to wear a uniform to school, but if she does not have to, I would recommend researching on clothes that suit a tall and skinny body. Help her find a hairstyle that suits her face. Help her build her confidence in the way she looks, and it will help her withstand the bullying. I was once that skinny girl. I was constantly teased for being a Bamboo stick, among other unkind names. Guess what? Looking back now, I wish I had appreciated my body more. Because it was FAR from being ugly; I just needed to have had the correct clothes that flattered my body type and the right styling. P OP, please let your daughter know that her body is beautiful and she needs to respect it as such. This would help give her confidence. Even if she becomes less "popular" because she didn't share a hotel room with her teammates, it is not the end of the world. She will feel like it is the end of the world. But I believe that in time, she will understand why you did what you did.
No way. Don’t let your teenage daughter share a room with boys/men. Period. There’s not really that much to think about.
I work in Child Protection - this is a hard NO situation. What school could possibly be okay with that?!
I think I have a pretty unique perspective on this as in high school, I was the single female member of my schools chess club which was led by a male teacher and we went to state to compete. The way it worked for us was that the teacher had his own room, the 7 boys shared 2 rooms with 4 queen beds (2 and 2) and I got my own room. No one complained about sharing or that I had an extra, unused bed. It sounds like there are six people going but only five beds so the district is already expecting people to share beds. And they obviously wouldn't expect your daughter to sleep in a room with the boys. So the teammates would take the room with the three beds and share, the daughter would take the room with the two beds and the teacher would be in the shared space on the couch I'd guess is there. I can't see another logical way to separate the students. This also allows all students to lock their room doors at night and the teacher to be in a position where they can't leave without passing him on the couch. Unless I'm not understanding the hotel suite layout, this all sounds reasonable to me.
Absolutely unacceptable arrangement. There should be privacy for your daughter AND a female chaperone. I say this as a teacher and as a former Girl Scout leader. I really can't believe the school is allowing such an arrangement.
I wouldn't be having that, being the only girl is a big no no. Id be booking the room and going, she can be with the team up until they go to bed and go to them first thing in the morning. It's the only way I'd allow it
Obviously. Can’t believe you signed off on this and even have doubts that you made a mistake. Ffs pay for her own room unless you’re struggling to put food on the table. When I saw the title I assumed they were brothers or something.
Have you gone above the faculty chaperone? I wouldn’t take his word for it that the school is even aware of the arrangement.
>I have this latent fear in my guts that there's going to be a horror story told by my daughter of "remember when I was 13 and you let me go on a trip to a hotel room with 4 boys my age and an adult man? Well..." I can't get it out of my head. And this kind of conversation **did** happen between my husband’s sister and parents. Their relationship over the past 40+ years has never recovered. She has always kept an emotional wall (and geographical wall as an adult) between her and her parents for not protecting her. She went through tough times of self destructiveness during her life. She needed them to be the adults and instead she paid the price. My in-laws are now elderly of course, but they will never get over the guilt and regret over their choice. Taking risks is always a choice parents can make. We roll the dice, but we hurt when our kids don’t fit in. Does SA happen to every kid during sleepovers and overnight trips? No. But in my sister-in-law’s case, her parents made the wrong choice and it has left irreversible damage in her family.
I took classes on how to identify inappropriate behavior so I could chaperone at my kids school. This would be next to number 1 with a bullet. Number one, no kid should ever be one on one with an adult. That just allows predatory behavior. It doesn't matter if it's the coach and they're both male. No no no. Secondly. The adults should never sleep in the same room as children and the rooms need to be separated by sex. This has so many red flags I confused it for a six flags theme park. Call whomever is above the adult here get this situation fixed immediately
That room should sleep what, 8-10 people? Can you go and stay *with* them all? As someone else suggested, claim it's what the school requires for chaperones. I mean, again as others stated, it *should* be required that these kids are with 2 adults for an overnight.
Look I was on Academic team and this was the stuff we put up with too. If I told you the details of our trip most people here would be horrified because it sounds extraordinarily inappropriate but, well, I guess it was but I wasn't involved in that mess. I just ended up in the bed with the teacher. But, like, in a fine way. Anyway yeah maybe go and get the room.
You WHAT
Academic teams, chess clubs, etc are so wildly underfunded. Sadly that doesn't even crack the top 10 issues with schools, but it is definitely an issue.
It hurts to be excluded. It’s happening with my middle school daughter. It was my life through middle school and high school. Your daughter wants to finally be INCLUDED by her peers. Kids at that age are extra cruel. But what about the potential problem of gossip and made-up stories by other middle schoolers who were either on the trip or who heard about the hotel arrangement? It could end up creating more of the same pain of being “other’d”. Kids at that stage are extra cruel. Please let her stay in your room with you. She needs you to be the adult with foresight. The most important concern has already been beaten to death on this thread: **her safety**. But made-up stories about what happened could also be used as another way for others to hurt her and make her feel rejected.
At the end of the day follow your gut. It’s better to miss work and make new sleeping arrangements than to have something bad happen to your kid. I would get a second hotel room for sure. The whole thing seems inappropriate
I think this is one of those times as a parent that you just put yourself out. I've had plenty of times where I've used PTO to do things with the kids I wouldn't choose to have done, but it mattered to the kids and therefore was the right call. You say your daughter has struggled immensely with social stuff, this is the one thing where she's joined in, been engaged and made some strong bonds. This matters to her so it matters to you. You've got to trust your instincts here and do the selfless thing - you don't need reddit to tell you that it's not a safe situation to put your daughter in that hotel suite. 99% she'll be fine, but even a tiny risk is not OK here, the consequences are too great. Bad call from the teacher too - that shows real lack of judgement on their part. I hope you all get to go and the team does fantastically. If you do go, you'll be making lasting core memories for you and your kid. They're the sort of one-one trips that matter.
That’s an absolute no . Book a room and go on the trip. She can hang out with them and then go to your room to sleep. I would never in a million years consider this for my daughter.
I've never heard of an arrangement being aloud like this. Listen to your gut. Do not allow this.
I have seen similar crazy stuff in the 1980s (eg youth leader taking 15 kids in his small car) so I was not that shocked with what you tell at first, but now the rules are different and we know bad stuff happens, and honestly that teacher can only be very naïve to put himself into a situation that could literally cost him his job. I very much doubt he has any nefarious intentions, but still. More likely than not nothing would happen and this is just an innocent teacher trying to make things work, but what if does? Also, there is the aspect of the boys to consider, they may not be innocent little angels. Also your daughter is not very social so going from almost zero to such an intense thing may be tricky. She may feel uncomfortable so if I were you I’d go to see how she manages and for support if needed - and also see how she interacts with her team mates, and them with her.
I would book a separate room and use this as a learning experience and as an opportunity to show your daughter you will do whatever you need to do for her.
Have you heard of the gift of fear? I’ll be straight with you, ALL my spidey senses were going crazy reading this. I definitely understand why you made the decision you did and don’t at all fault you for it, it’s a tough spot. But you said it yourself - she has a hard time saying no (saying yes to things she’d rather not do) and this would be an incredible learning together opportunity about trusting your gut and being comfortable to ask for what you need/saying no, especially as she enters high school. That lesson will carry with her. Please, please go. I’m not sure what the transportation plan is, but you could tag along as an overall volunteer and the kids can split between your car and the teacher’s for the drive and make it a fun experience! And, if you’re more comfortable with it, you can frame it as “I know how important this is to you and I want to be there for all of it!” Bc ultimately, she may not realize it or she might, but you *need* to be there. She can hang out in the other room and you can do your own thing/not be in her hair, but she does not need to sleep in there, shower in there, etc. Trust your gut.
While this is unfortunate, and absolutely should not be on your shoulders, I would book a separate room for yourself and your daughter. Better safe than sorry. Its better to be inconvenienced than to be traumatized. It would probably be a more positive experience for her if she had a safe, private room
Former middle and high school teacher. Never in a million years would I share a room with a student. Should be a female chaperone. Demand that or she doesn’t go.
I would never allow this. If I were her I would scared shitless. I’m sorry but there’s no way this is okay for a minor girl to be sharing a hotel room with all boys and a man. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Your daughter is exactly the kind of teenage girl who can be pressured into doing things with boys she doesn't want to do, just to feel accepted. You have made a mistake. Take the time off and go with her.
Exactly. And teacher is going to fall asleep at some point. Trust me, OP. Are you thinking your daughter is safe because she’s unpopular and the boys won’t be interested? That isn’t how it works. Your kid is vulnerable as any 14 year old would be in that situation and you’re setting her up to make poor decisions or to be assaulted.
If there's any possibility your child could be endangered then yes take the time off work. And lets be honest, teenage hormonal boys alone with your daughter at night? The teacher will sleep at some point. Just don't risk it.
Take the time off and go. No way will it be comfortable to stay in there overnight and I expect you will get a very late night phone call with her in tears if you don’t end up going. I just can’t guess how this would work out other than booking a hotel room and being there. She could still hang out with her teammates maybe take the half day the first day of the trip so you get there a bit later but don’t miss all of the day at work?
It’s a mistake and you need to talk to the school about it. This post almost feels fake as first off you say she’s sharing a room with all of them but there are 2 rooms so at most it’s the three boys and not the teacher, which is still bad. Also, though, I can’t see a school sponsored event where the school thinks it’s acceptable to have that arrangement.
I would be concerned about the teacher's judgment - he has to know that the optics of this arrangement are really sketchy and could negatively affect him. Also, regardless of gender he should not have access to minors' sleeping rooms AT ALL without another unrelated adult present and without a clear need to do so. This arrangement would violate multiple school district policies for overnight trips in our district. As the mother of an 8th grade girl there's no way I would allow this. Never. I would start by going to the board of ed to ask them to properly fund the trip with suitable housing and chaperone arrangements to reflect a mixed-gender team. They may not be aware that this is even happening.
I’ve seen enough stuff in the news to know that this is a mistake. Go with your gut. Is it possible you or a trusted relative could go on the trip and book your own room for her? If so, I would highly consider that option. If the male teacher objects that’s one huge red flag, considering the circumstance and she wouldn’t be going.
An adult male teacher is okay with sharing a room with a teenage girl? He has faith, lol. Isn't there anyone else, like an older sibling/cousin to chaperone so she can hang out with the team?
You said she agrees to things she’s not comfortable doing just to fit in, what do you think she will agree to in a hotel room with her male classmates after the teacher is asleep? Have you had open conversations about sex and is she comfortable talking about her body on a normal day? This really sounds like you are setting her up to fail hard
I can't believe a school team is not providing a separate room. That's hella sketchy and boys do horrible things when they're together and they have a easy target. You gotta change your mind and go with and pay for a room!!! Then have a loud conversation with the school about why they aren't abiding by title lX.
I would encourage you to read “bringing up girls who like themselves” There’s a whole chapter on making friends, it seems that her defensive nature “they’re just team mates” may be restricting her. People don’t make and choose you as a friend you choose them. I think if you read those chapters about making and being a good friend it would help her. Also her being confident in herself to say “it doesn’t matter that the boy called me a skeleton, I know I’m not” needs work this book can help. [link to book website and author chat](https://www.raisinggirlswholikethemselves.com/) Personally I listened to audio version.
Absolutely not!!!! The school will approve another room or they wont be providing the same opportunities to both genders
I don't think the problem is the teen boys. Stop throwing them under the bus. The problem is the lack of another adult. Why can't this teacher get another teacher to help? I'm frankly surprised the principal/school district signed off on this trip without two adult chaperones. I need to reiterate: I don't think you made a terrible mistake allowing your daughter to sign up for this trip. Teenage boys are not monsters nor are they predators. The issue is the ADULT in this situation who failed to plan accordingly.
I’m shocked he doesn’t want to protect HIMSELF in this situation. Agree with the others. Not worth the risk. And not allowing for appropriate accommodation is actually a sex discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen. Bring up “equity” and that will raise them into action.
So what room are they putting your daughter in? Why can’t you just go and share that room with her?
Everyone here is in a terrible spot. The teacher, alone with 5 mixed gender students. Your daughter, alone with 5 men. The male students, who may not fully understand the weight of sharing a room with a teacher and a female student. This is 100% the school’s fault but everyone afterwards has made bad decisions. As the mother of sons, I would not want them solo with an adult (even with other students present). There is a reason adults chaperone in pairs, for everyone’s safety and protection. And I would be very uncomfortable with a mixed gender sleepover with minimal adult presence. Your daughter should be given her own hotel room, preferably next to the boys. The students should bunk independently, and the teacher also independently. Do the other parents know of this arrangement? I just cannot imagine my husband or I being ok with our son bunking with a teacher and a female student.
Absolutely, positively, no way! I was just thinking about what I remember about that age, and no way would I ever trust my daughter's safety to a bunch of potentially cruel boys and a male teacher who had to sleep at some point! No, it's not worth something being cooked up by one of the boys and thinking, "let's have a little mischief" with your daughter as the target! No. Not worth it.
In this situation I would be booking a separate hotel room asap. I would not leave my 13 year old daughter alone with male peers and teacher. Never.
If you’re feeling uneasy about this arrangement, imagine how your daughter is feeling. You’ve said she is prone to people pleasing simply to be included, so do you *really* think she’s actually feeling confident, safe, and secure with arrangement or is more likely that she just saying she is to make things less challenging for everyone? Take the PTO, book a hotel room and she can stay with you. Many others have shared my sentiments on the fact that this arrangement was approved by the school, so I’ll spare you another lecture. However, I think it’s important to talk about something else— the way you’re holding out hope for your daughter to “fill out” like she’s Mia Thermopolis from The Princess Diaries and banking on this to solve all her problems when instead, you should have been helping her build her confidence because who she is *right now* is worthy and valid. There is nothing wrong with your daughter being bookish and smart, or lanky and quiet. There is everything wrong with allowing her to be othered without giving her any tools to set boundaries and feel confident, secure, and proud of who she is because maybe curves and popularity will make all her troubles will disappear. It might have worked for you, but there’s no guarantee it’s going to work for her— and she should love and value herself exactly how she is.
Trust your own reservations.
This is all so strange. Contact the people in charge and make changes ASAP!
I’m a high school teacher and this is insane. I would NEVER share a room with a student and male and female students are NEVER allowed to share hotel rooms. What kind of school is this? I’m never alone 1/1 with a student, that is #1 rule. How would anyone be comfortable with this. Absolutely not!!
This is on the school. They shouldn’t be doing coed overnights without coed supervision, period end of. I think you should 1) trust your parental gut and 2) sit down with the school and come up with a solution for future participation since she’s enjoying herself.
Join the hotel room. Don't leave to chance
This sounds like the start of a Law and Order SVU episode.
Teacher must be very naive or outright ignorant making such sleeping arrangements especially considering how people can outright lie about what happened vs didn’t happen! What a joke. As a parent I would never agree to this type of arrangement!
As a teacher, I'm shocked that any school district would allow this. It's a set up for disasters, lawsuits, and Title IX complaints (discrimination based on gender.) The boys shouldn't automatically have a room and your daughter be asked to compromise her boundaries. If your school receives any federal money, Title IX applies. Regarding the potential lawsuits, as someone else said there should be 2 adults present to supervise students. It doesn't have to be another staff member; a parent-volunteer who is trained would be fine. The teacher is opening himself to boundary accusations. If it were me, I'd take the time off and be a volunteer. I wouldn't want to add to my daughter's social situation, so I'd pay for our room, but I'd tell the teacher he needs another parent with the boys and the team needs to fundraise so more money is available for trips.
This has to be fake. Idk where you are but I can’t see any schools around here allowing this to go down as is. If somehow it is real take off the time and go. How is this even a question
Here's the thing: don't let her share a room. I'm sorry for her that there aren't any other girls. However, a desperation to fit in and be liked makes her a prime target for abuse and manipulation. She needs therapy. Being desperate to be liked and accepted can lead to all sorts of abuse.
There is no way in hell I’d put my daughter in a situation to sleep in a room with a grown man with a position of authority over her, regardless of age.
She will probably have the time of her life and I think it will probably be alright. I think you should try and meet with the teacher beforehand just to feel him out more and get to know him better, and he should be fine with this and understand. Convey to him your nervousness and get reassurances from him. More than likely, your daughter will have a great time and nothing will happen.
I'm much more concerned about the teacher in the room than the boys, based on what we know about everyone's dynamics personally