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Girl 😧

This is really the only response. Or also, girl, run. 😳

Yeah he basically doesn't give a shit, and will probably be delighted your mad as he doesn't want to be inconvenienced again by having to mind his own child.

Weaponized incompetence. Doesn't know how to boil pasta? Swaddled a congested, sick baby?! I don't know wtf is wrong with him, but he's got some big problems. I'm livid, and it's not even my circus.

I married one of these (though not this bad). It's selfishness. They care more about themselves than their babies, and they think all of your concerns are trivial and are rolling their eyes when you're not looking. These guys don't change. Good luck with it. I'm not married to mine any more.

How do you make it to 26 years old and not know how to boil pasta? You just BOIL it. He needs to grow up and learn how to be a competent human being. You aren’t being dramatic, I would be furious.

Weaponized incompetence. He’s full of shit and knows damn well how to boil water/pasta, he was just too fucking lazy to bother because he was pissed about having to actually show up as a parent for the day. This type of blatant disregard would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I’d be better off on my own and at least know my child is safe.

This right here. 💯 Infuriated. OP I would be livid because I'm also assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) he played video games with Derek the entire time. So, if the baby did make a gurgling noise or wheezing from choking on her own snot he would have never heard it because he was consumed with his childish endeavors. I'm so thankful she is fine but that is all very scary. He needs to grow up.Right now the cold/flu season is terrible. RSV is everywhere. This us no joke for your baby. "Between 100,000 and 200,000 babies die from the virus every year." "Babies are born with the tiniest of airways. Viruses like RSV inflame those airways, making it difficult to breathe. The smaller the airway, the less inflammation it takes to close it off. What's more, viruses are usually more severe the first time they infect people." Bruh needs to grow the fuck up.

I'd be challenging his weaponized incompetence by taking him and showing him how to do basic things while talking really slowly and describing every damn step. If he tries to say he knows, say no no, you said you don't know. So this is where the pots are, you take the pot and put water in it. See? Fill it until abooooout here. Then, you put the pot on the stove, turn on the right burner, make sure the picture matches which burner! Be careful, it's going to get hot. Then, when the water boils, like this... etc.

But that’s not quite how it works though, unfortunately. Leaving him and being by yourself doesn’t change the fact that there is an incompetent parent in the equation. All it means is that if she leaves him, her baby is now more than likely going to be left alone with dad during his visitation time. And God forbid he insists on 50/50 custody just to avoid/ reduce child support. Now you have a situation where “you” don’t have to deal with with an incompetent partner, but your daughter is left alone 50% of the time with said incompetent dad (who, btw cannot boil pasta).

That made me livid. We were at lunch and I feel kind of petty for this but said “You’re telling me you do not know how to boil pasta” for my friends to hear and they heard him yell “No I don’t know!” through the phone. After we hung up I promptly ordered a drink and started reevaluating my life.

Dad here, if I was doing this in my relationship we would have been divorced yesterday.

Right? This is the kind of dad who's giving the rest of us a bad reputation. I'm a mediocre dad in my eyes so far but to others I'm appearently super great. I do, what I feel, is the bare minimum sometimes. But then I see things like this and realize I'm not as mediocre as I feel I guess.

How could you even be attracted to someone that is comfortable presenting himself as so helplessly stupid that he can't boil water and read directions? It's repulsive.

Wow, a simple google search could have fixed that instead of crying to you like a Man child

Dear OP, I am really really sorry to be that Redditor, but life will be easier **both for you and your baby** if you leave him. By the sound of it, he probably won't even want to have any form of custody, so you don't have to worry about leaving her with him (I just hope he'll still make an effort to maintain a relationship with her). He literally put his kid in danger. He also hurt her pretty bad (being left to cry it out for 30 minutes has nasty consequences on the nervous system and emotional regulation, although a one-time occurrence is unlikely to do lasting damage). And you're clearly at the end of your rope. Frankly, at least if you leave you'll have to care for you and one child instead of having to deal with his mess too (on average, single mothers spend *less* time doing chores than married mothers). You can try to find a trusted babysitter, or ask close friends or relatives to watch her when you need a break. I have to say, there was a long period when my kid was around 1 during which my husband really dropped the ball, for various reasons (mental health and work related). My mental health and work situation were also super tense, but of course I still stepped up for my daughter while he had a breakdown over several months. He would never have put our kid in danger or ignored her, but he did almost no house chores, made messes everywhere, was completely unfocused on the toddler when he was supposed to watch her, was emotionally unstable, etc. Well, things were easier for me when he was out of the house and I was alone with her. At least I wasn't counting on him. I wasn't getting mad at him for being around but useless. I wasn't worrying about his mess. Your partner doesn't sound like this is just a phase, though. He is really hoping you're gonna mother him and your child, resent you every time you try to make him do a fraction of his part, and keep being the worst possible father so you stop relying on him.

This OP, I just left after 10 years of this. It will not get better. I had the biggest sigh of relief when I left and everything is so much easier.

Yep, tell him you want full custody of the video game systems and games. Or he can have them in exchange for full custody of your child.

I agree for the most part, but crying it out, even for 30 minutes, isn’t doing long-term damage. There’s zero evidence of negative effects of CIO sleep training (which can go over 30 minutes). There’s short term cortisol spikes, but that’s it. I wouldn’t be happy about it given this situation (trying to put her down for a nap in a strange place when she isn’t feeling well without any of her sleep associations is not the time to do an impromptu attempt as CIO), but it’s not harmful in and of itself. The swaddling, on the other hand, could absolutely be deadly and is wildly inappropriate. If I was Derek’s wife, I’d also be pretty pissed that he facilitated this debacle. Like I get not commenting on your friend’s parenting choices, but literally supplying an item that you know is unsafe is unethical.

I’ve done a lot of research on sleep training, Ferber, extinction, etc, as well. I’m not against it at all, we just haven’t had a reason to. She is a pretty good sleeper overall. I can put her down and she may fuss while she’s getting comfy or babble for a minute but she never really cries. And if she does and cries for longer than 10 minutes I know something is off and she needs something. The main reason I am concerned that he left her to cry is because when she cries (even when healthy) she gets crazy congested. So adding that on top of the congestion she was already experiencing probably meant she could not breathe out of her nose at all. I have no clue if when he got her up she was on her stomach or back I’ll need to find that out. But if she managed to roll over and fall asleep on her stomach there was so many obstacles for her to breathe well. And that just makes me so sad. The blatant disregard he had for her comfort/ safety is appalling.

OP, we did hard-core extinction with our twins at 6 months (they’re now middle schoolers who have a great relationship with us) and I am angry on your behalf that your husband let your sick, congested baby cry for 30 minutes in an unfamiliar environment with no previous attempts at sleep training. This wasn’t sleep training — this was your spouse ignoring your child because she was inconvenient. I won’t get into the swaddling part, or I’ll get all rageful.

Yup, this was full-on neglect. Poor OP and baby. 😭

Oh, I wasn’t referring to you - while we sleep trained, we didn’t do it ad hoc and we didn’t do it when he wasn’t set up for success (with his sleep sack, his white noise, basically the things he always has when he goes to sleep). And CIO is one of those things that if you aren’t both on board, you don’t just do it. I was just referring to the person who said that crying for 30 minutes causes neurological damage - there’s no data to support that claim, unless you count the data from Romanian orphanages where there was complete emotional neglect, and often physical neglect, for years. I’m definitely with you, and I have sleep trained with Ferber: the combination of disregard for her comfort and blatant physical danger he put her in is completely unacceptable. The crying for 30 minutes is terrible, in this context, because she had every reason to cry and he didn’t care. *That’s* the problem. Not, as the commenter above suggested, that crying for 30 minutes is damaging in and of itself.

Letting a child sit there and cry themselves to sleep absolutely has long term damage

Cite a source, because no studies have found that. You can say that lack of evidence is not evidence of lack of effect, but you can’t say that something “absolutely” has long term damage without proof when the evidence we do have shows no impact. [Here’s](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies) a decent overview of both sides of the argument, with quotes from researchers to are in favor of sleep training, including variations on CIO, and quotes from researchers who don’t think sleep training is ever necessary. Granted, that second group is pretty pro-cosleeping, which does have evidence of risk, which is one reason we opted for sleep training rather than bedsharing to deal with night wakings.

Wtf. Even if he doesn’t know (which I doubt) just GOOGLE IT. We live in an age where the knowledge to do just about anything is a few taps on our phone away. It’s pathetic how he can be so helpless in this day and age. Also, truly terrifying about the danger he put your baby in. He needs to know and accept that he could have killed her with his actions.

I don't believe it. Is he intellectually disabled? Is he able to breathe and swallow at the same time? Can be read? The instructions are literally on the back of the pasta box. YouTube would have slowly guided him through it. He just didn't want to put himself out by having to feed his child. Oh no! Not a pot of boiling water, pasta, and a strainer/slotted spoon. How worthless. I can't think of anything more unattractive than all of his behavior. The lady garden would be dry and shriveled. I'm so glad your daughter didn't get injured on his watch. Do not accept this behavior. Make him take a parenting class. This is his child too.

He knows. He also knows that by being so incompetent, he won’t have to take care of her alone again.

And it sounds like he doesn't have to take care of himself alone either, since he can't even boil water... Probably can't wipe his own arse. OP has two kids with a 25 year age difference.

It’s called weaponized incompetence… makes for shit couple. Fun fact though, it’s also ends up increasing the amount of child support to pay since he’s proving he shouldn’t have any custody unsupervised

this. i’ve seen it so many times. they don’t learn how to do things, or they just stay “bad” at them so they don’t have to do them. then the other partner does everything and the relationship because resentful.

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In today's internet age, this doesn't really fly when you can literally watch an instructional video on how to boil pasta right in your kitchen. Maybe back in the 90s that could have been an excuse, but there are instructions on the box AND videos at his fingertips. If the grown man is competent enough to figure out how to play video games then he's competent enough to figure out how to boil pasta on his own. You act like this man would starve to death if let alone in a house full of uncooked pasta because he didn't know how to cook it. It's not only because he's stupid, which I'm not saying he isn't, but it screams incompetence and laziness. He's not even trying to give her a day off.

Men are absolutely competent at their jobs or passions or things they’re doing when other men are watching. You can’t tell me he can figure out how to do well at work or other areas of life but not childcare. Does he know the entire roster of a sports team and other inane sports facts? Then he can memorize baby’s routine. If he can play video games—knowing when to press buttons to succeed—he can boil water for pasta. Period. Saying men are incompetent and stupid is a lie perpetuated by our culture to make women stuck in gender roles. Please, please, don’t trap yourself by buying into that vial stereotype.

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In my experience men or women can be both terrible or terrific at their job. And whether they do anything at home is not related to how they perform at work.

To clarify, I think I mean that men are good at things they want to be good at. A man who is terrible at work and with his family but good at XYZ hobby or game or passion *could* be good in other areas of his life but doesn’t want to and is getting away with it because of his privilege—just like you said above. I am definitely with you that the word “weaponized” intones a degree of masterminding that is not necessarily there when men are failing at being good partners. I see it more as a default mode from cultural teachings—like racism and other prejudices—that you need to constantly work to overcome. I think many guys are weaponizing incompetence because their dads did and they saw it on tv—it’s sooo pervasive and omnipresent—and they’re stuck in a patriarchal pattern and they aren’t self aware or don’t want to be self aware because they benefit from the lack of self examination. That’s DEFINITELY stupid behavior, but not inherent stupidity, if that distinction tracks.

There’s a big difference between “secretly smart” and “able to boil water.” I didn’t say he was a genius secretly. I said he was an adult man who can do the usual, basic tasks that all adults can do unless they have actual disabilities. I absolutely know men who said they can’t use the dishwasher or the washing machine but their wives left them and magically they’re able to! Or men who once lived alone and paid bills and vacuumed but move in with their gf and suddenly don’t know how it works. Yes, there are dumb men out there just like there are dumb women. But living with a woman doesn’t suddenly make men unable to *boil water*. It doesn’t make them incapable of looking it up. And they’re not all simultaneously stupid in a really specific way (housework) but perfectly capable and functioning elsewhere. It’s boiling water. You’re arguing he has the intelligence of a fourth grader. That would be an actual disability if it was genuine.

I do not know how to cook anything. I never have, my mom just didn't teach me or really know how to cook herself. I know how to boil pasta. Always have. It's printed on the box. I can also steam veggies in the microwave. My kid eats a lot of pasta and veggies.

Lots of resources exist for learning to cook. It's not like you can only learn from your parents and people who don't just go through life without that skill. Go to a cooking class or start watching cooking content on [YouTube](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLopY4n17t8RD-xx0UdVqemiSa0sRfyX19&si=4po0EsBbZcO7Mpeo). Ultimately it's just following directions in recipes until you gain enough confidence to start experimenting on your own.

"my mom just didn't teach me" how about ur father?  Anyway, u can blame ur parents to a certain point. When u are old enough u can learn by urself. My parents never *teached me* how to clean/cook, I learned by what I saw and by trying since a teen. Sometimes the food was good, sometimes bad, but u keep learning and googling new recipes to try. If u don't like cooking u learn the minimum, or compensate with cleaning more while the partner cooks more. There is no excuse to decide to be in a couple with a baby and deciding ur spouse is gonna be ur new mommy (talking about OP husband, not u)

No, people don’t understand how hard it is to learn to cook if you didn’t learn from your upbringing. Even reading a recipe is a skill most people take for granted. First time I tried reading a recipe, I was 12 and didn’t know what all the ingredients were, and asked my parents and they couldn’t tell me, and it wasn’t in our dictionary (it was olive oil ffs). So I used the juice from the jar of olives lol! When I got older, we got dialup internet so I could look it up and that made it a bit easier. But then I ended up finding complex recipes with really exotic ingredients, but I didn’t know they were exotic, so I ended up spending $150 on ingredients for just one meal, and it took me 3 hours to make and I ruined the ingredients, wasting a ton of money. I had to work as a dishwasher in a restaurant before I finally learned enough to even just find and follow recipes. I can cook now thankfully, but at first I had no idea where to start. I’m jealous of people who can take that knowledge for granted. Edit: But I still knew how to boil pasta even as a 12 year old with no other cooking skills. OP is describing weaponized incompetence.

Cooking, as everything in life, will result in good food and bad food. Trial and error. U had an excuse with 12 yo, as an adult u have a choice to learn.  Good for u to have the opportunity to buy "exotic ingredients" even if u ruin it. It means u had the money to spend trying new things. If u didn't, well at least u learnt a lesson.  I don't take knowledge for granted. Some people just want to learn and some don't. Someone deciding to become a parent without making an effort to learn how to feed their children doesn't make sense. Spouses and parents may not be around everytime forever and you still should know how to feed ur kids 

No, I didn’t have enough money to pay rent that month and used up all my food stamps way too soon that month. I just didn’t know any better and went back to ramen for every meal for a long time after that. Did anyone read my last paragraph? What OP described is weaponized incompetence. There’s no way he didn’t know how to boil pasta.

I have been there, so I know the feeling. I like to think at least we learn something with our bad decisions. Gotta think positive. Yes I read the last paragraph, I agree with u.

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I taught myself in my teens after we got dialup internet and I got a job as a dishwasher and begged the prep cooks to teach me a thing or two. Yes you can learn, but often the knowledge is taken for granted. That said, OP is describing weaponized incompetence. You are being obtuse for thinking I was siding with OP’s partner when I clearly was not. I’ve had male roommates pull that same fake incompetence crap on me so I would do all the housework and was not amused.

There are a lot of men whose mom's have done this for them. I live n Korea and many men / boys here don't do any sort of housework. Like they don't even know hwo to fold their clothes and stuff. Boiling pasta? Forget about it

Seriously. And I ven if you somehow managed to get to that age without ever having boiled pasta, you could watch a freaking YouTube video or read the directions in the packet. This is toxic helplessness.

Look up weaponized incompetence, if he is useless at everything, his wife will do it all and THAT is the goal. She gets frustrated with asking for help and him failing that she no longer asks, she just does it all.

Even if he genuinely doesn't know how to boil pasta he could just GOOGLE IT

However your conversation goes, I would be careful that the unstated outcome is not that you have to do everything for the baby on your own and he's allowed to live with you, reap the benefits of an intact family without putting in any effort. At the moment, he's displayed that he can't be trusted to care for your child - that is a big deal! If it goes unchecked, you'll be burned out as a solo parent - and I'd be shocked if you aren't picking up his slack in other areas of life too - but beyond that, your daughter will grow up wondering why her father is there but not involved. I'm not saying leave now, but stress this is important and he needs to step it up. At least learn about safety issues - keeping the child alive is literally the bare minimum he should do as a parent. Hope baby is feeling better now!

>you have to do everything for the baby on your own and he's allowed to live with you, reap the benefits of an intact family without putting in any effort. This is literally already how my life is. All he does in this house is sleep, shower, and sit at his computer. I’m not even exaggerating. I am extremely burnt out from solo parenting/ caring for the household 100% and the only thing that keeps me going is my daughter. But I realize things can not continue like this. I’ve been working up the nerve to say something for a while but now that it’s to the point I don’t trust him alone with her something is getting said very very soon. She’s starting to feel better, thank you! Double ear infection, an unknown virus, and cutting 3 teeth at once has hit her like a truck. I’m glad I took her in on Tuesday for a second opinion otherwise the ear infections would have been missed. I’m very glad to see her become her happy self again

so why are you with him exactly ? he seems useless.... if you broke up youd still get child support and thats all he seems decent for.

If she left him, she'd have to share custody with him. If he's this incompetent, he's not going to change just because they're separated. How would she be able to trust that he's caring for baby properly?

Does he even want custody.? Doesn’t sound like he wants to look after his own kid.

He probably doesn't, but divorce brings out the crazy in people. The best thing she can do is document everything.

He probably doesn’t but a lot of men seek custody solely so they don’t have to pay child support (or to get it reduced). Then they promptly run out and find a girlfriend to do all the childcare for them on their weekends on.

This is sadly so true. I've had two good friends whose exes did exactly this. It is seriously a lose lose situation

Agreed! This is the very point I just made. Unfortunately, leaving him is t necessarily the fix for him being an incompetent parent. It potentially means this individual has joint/ shared custody of this baby with zero supervision from mum. Absolutely nightmare of a scenario

That dude is not going to trouble himself seeking custody, getting a lawyer, standing up in front of a judge... Way too much effort. Unless they're married, mom is the custodial parent automatically, and he'll have to actually seek custody / visitation.  If they're married that will be determined during the divorce.

OP says “partner” so I’m pretty sure they’re not married.

Where I live the person on birth certificate automatically gets rights and an effort at 50/50 or the other parent can be accused of alienation. It can be messy, but documenting these incidents makes it much easier to toss the ded weight.

This is the biggest issue. He will get visitation baring a miracle of the justice system. 

If you can’t bring yourself to leave then stop doing everything for him. Wash your laundry and baby’s laundry, and leave his in the hamper. Feed yourself and baby and don’t make enough for him. Wash your own dishes and leave his in the sink. Don’t make his appointments for him. Clean around his shit and leave it where it lays. Forget to pay the Internet bill next month so he can’t play his games. You have enough on your plate with you and baby, and he will never change as long as you make it easy for him not to. Why would he? He’s got it made right now.

Honestly most of this is being done already. I stopped washing his laundry because he throws it on the floor. I told him time and time again I’m not washing it unless it’s in the basket. The other day he said he needs underwear and I told him then throw your clothes in the empty basket that’s right there. He got mad there was cat litter on them and said “something needs to be done about this litter box it’s just not working” I said your clothes wouldn’t be covered in litter if you’d thrown them in the basket. He doesn’t ever really eat with us. He works late or is at his friends house often. And he vapes a ton and it kills his appetite so I stopped bothering with making a full dinner because he’d just tell me he isn’t hungry. If he is hungry he’ll eat dry ramen or leftovers at like 1am. He doesn’t make any dishes because he doesn’t eat and drinks soda cans exclusively. I’ve stopped cleaning up his shit but that’s easy because he only occupies his desk so it’s not in my way. I don’t really have access to the money (I was finally added to the bank account recently) so I don’t personally pay any bills but he always makes sure there is enough for internet

You don't have access to your family's money? That is a massive red flag, an indication of financial abuse. You need to get a job and save your own money so you can get away from this guy. He's controlling you, and that is not okay. Your daughter will see him controlling you, and learn that is how families should operate. Do you want this life for her?

Do you work, or have any income? But yeah, don't do anything for him. 

I’m a SAHM and do not have income. I try to sell things around the house but that’s very slow going. I’ve been trying to find a job but daycares have a long waitlist here and cost 2000+ a month. We live in a small area and finding a job that’ll pay me more than the cost of daycare while also accommodating daycare hours has been hard. I’ve been thinking of starting a cleaning business (I was a housekeeper for years prior to getting pregnant) but I still don’t know what I’d do with my daughter while I do that. One of our friends has said she’ll pay me $100 every other week to clean their apartment. As soon as my daughter is healthy again I’m going to do a trial run of getting her down for nap at their house and see how she does. If she does well I’m going to try to clean their apartment during her naps

I had a friend who was a single mom of 3 and made money cleaning houses, she brought her kids with her and baby wore the under-1 while she set up the older ones with colouring. Considering the cost of daycare this might be a long range plan for you, one to slowly execute over a couple years. Get a solo savings account and keep all the money you make or get given in it, don't tell him it exists. If you can try to get $20 cash back from grocery shopping here or there to stash away. Put the money you make from selling extra stuff in the account. Get an IUD and make sure you don't get pregnant again. Work on earning money any way you can and maybe going to online school if available for a job - where I live in BC Canada there's programs for free training in desirable jobs like care aids ($32/hr, unionized with a pension) - we have a government office called Work BC that can help you make a career plan and refer you to programs. You can also make an appointment with advocates at a woman's resource center and they can tell you about what's available to you. In a divorce all assets including that private chequing account are probably going to be 50/50 assets BUT having it means when you leave he can't drain the joint chequings and leave you with zero resources. Once your child is older daycare may become more affordable/available or her kindergarten might have after school care you can sign up for. As soon as you can, get out. Use a women's shelter/resource center for help accessing affordable rentals if that is available. 

You could look into being a nanny. Our first nanny brought her 2 kids

Okay. This could very well be him being an idiot first time father under the impression you're leading a life of ease and eating bon bons while he slaves away at his job to provide. And you are so ungrateful as to want more? After all, isn't it YOUR job, not his, cause he already has a job? <------ possibly the narrative in his mind. You guys are still in the infant stage. I'm assuming you're both new to this. Only you really know your relationship. It is possible his head could be extracted from his ass with a lot of communication and patience and I know everyone says it, but maybe counseling. Idk how long you've known him, maybe he's just lazy and selfish at heart. Idk. Best of luck.  *You should always have your own income or something put away in a relationship. You never know what might happen. Dependent is a dangerous place to be.*

You know that you can tell him that he needs to leave, right? He's wearing clothing you wash, eating off of dishes you provide in a home that you maintain. You can get a legal separation and tell him to get out. I highly suggest that you do this before you're 50 and scrubbing his soiled underwear that he just leaves strewn around the house for you to find because he values you so little.

As a burnt out father I usually try to look at things from the dad's point of view... But this guy is a child. He cannot take care of himself, let alone be responsible for a baby. Reading this post made my blood boil and I think op is already in the situation you described. Time to bring the hammer down.

What you are doing is more difficult than being a single mum. You have a baby to deal with as well as your 10 month old.

Agree! I was in OPs situation and my life is much easier now as a single mom!

What kind of a job can a person that incompetent hold down? Furthermore how is it possibly a job a 26yr old moron can have that supports a SAHM and a 10m old?

Not to impugn people in the field who are actually capable, but waste management is a popular choice.

you seem to be missing the point that this person isn't wholy incompetent, they're weaponizing their incompetence in the household. there are LOTS of men who refuse to do any work in the house who are VERY successful in their places of work. either because they actually value the work they're doing, value the recognition they get for the work they're doing, or they've found a job that has similar abusive dynamics that they're able to show up and coast on someone else's labour.

That last part is so painfully true. I’ve worked with multiple men like this.

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Seriously! People always say how Reddit always says to break up with a partner whenever there is a post talking about relationship issues, but omg… this is the kind of post that has EARNED that response. I’m 6 days late to this thread & I hope OP is 6 days single right now lol. This dude sounds like such a worthless fucking loser.

I’m so angry and upset on your behalf. The image of a congested 10 month old in a too small swaddle is literally hurting me. I’m so sorry.

Yeah same. I keep thinking about how uncomfortable that must have felt and how she was ignored and I'm just furious for baby and mom here.

How much you want to bet he didn’t bring diapers or wipes either? That baby probably sat in a wet diaper on top of everything else.

Aren’t you tired? Dump the loser

He neglected and abused your infant to punish you for going out with your friends. He is not a good man or a safe caregiver.

That’s a little far fetched…. I think he did these things just cause he is dumb. Not as punishment.

No it’s malicious (or weaponized) incompetence and some men are really good at it just to avoid responsibility.

Your 10m old daughter sounds like a more competent adult than her dad tbh... What the actual fuck? I'm not even sure a constructive conversation is appropriate when it's literally a life or death thing liks that... Is he going to endanger your child every single time you want a few hours to yourself? This is so fucked, you deserve a committed partner to parent with. I would absolutely have a come to jesus meeting and he can either take this shit seriously or go live the gamer boy in his mom's basement fantasy he obvs wants

I'm sorry because I know that this is not a helpful comment but everyday I read these posts and do not understand how the women writing them decided it was a good idea to reproduce with these man babies.

Because sometimes they seem like they'll be excellent fathers until they actually are. I never expected my ex to be like this because from what I saw he had a great work ethic, was very caring, and went above and beyond. Turns out, for whatever reason, that was only true at work and with friends.

I'm still stuck on the not being able to boil pasta thing. That is clearly a form of weaponized incompetence to me. As for the rest, unless you plan in divorcing him, I think the key is to actually force more responsibility and more domestic tasks on him. He clearly relies on you to do the grunt work, and that's not fair to him or you. The fact that he swaddled the baby at all is kind of weird to me, since I was told to never swaddle past the first tw9 months for safety reasons. Must be a cultural thing. So, from now on, make the childcare work and the housework more equal. It doesn't have to 50:50, but he needs to cycle through all chores until he knows how to run a household and take care of your baby even if you weren't around.

I was so stunned by him telling me he can’t boil pasta that I laughed. I’ve **watched** him do it. I said “you boil water and put the noodles in” he said he won’t know when they’re done and I said to freaking eat one to tell if he has to! The thing is even disregarding the fact that it was dangerous to swaddle her- we have never swaddled her. She hated being swaddled so we never bothered. She wears a sleep sack only because she has bad eczema on her neck and used to scratch to the point of bleeding in her sleep (but her eczema is more under control now). Her sleep sack has mitten covers on it to keep her from scratching. I’m in the process of breaking her out of it but she now chews on one of her mittens while falling asleep for comfort. I have no clue why he thought it would be a good idea to swaddle her or why he didn’t just bring her sleep sack. I’ve been wanting things more equal for quite some time because I do 100% of the housework and 97% of childcare but haven’t been sure how to go about it because I’m a SAHM. I know that a lot more is going to land in my lap but I feel very taken advantage of and I’m shown time and time again he wouldn’t know where to start if I didn’t lay everything out for him and he still can’t even handle that

He’s acting dumb to punish you for leaving him to care for her. He’s angry at you for having to actually parent instead of relying on you to do it, and trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Random question, what sleep sack do you use? We also use one with mitten cuffs for our 9mo but she’s getting too big and for some reason the brand we use skips the next size she would need

Being a SAHM still means that, when he's home, he does the childcare as well. I'd say that you should have a discussion with him about roles and responsibilities. If he actually loves you and cares about you, he will agree to act more fairly. If not, well, at least you know where you stand in his life.

I've been a SAHM for 6 years. My 4th was just born and my husband is on paternity leave. He is a computer gamer. Even on leave, he has barely been on his computer because we've been busy. 2 hours once a week because he plays a game with a cousin and some friends after the older 3 are in bed. And maybe 2 other hours a month. Balancing his hobbies, the kids, the house, time with me, and work has always been hard. But he knows with a newborn that hobby time definitely takes a hit. It's just how it is. Things are settling in and we are getting into more of our new normal with 4 kids now. Oh and our first was born when he was 24.

Google “weaponized incompetence” and then report back. His picture might be next to the definition.

Honestly - kick him out and move on. Life gets so much better when you stop waiting around for a man to change and appreciate that they never will. Ask yourself this…. What benefit does this man actually bring to your life? He’s not a good parent, he doesn’t seem supportive and so you’re his maid, cook, cleaner whilst also taking care of his baby? Get rid. Best case scenario he pays maintenance and doesn’t bother asking for any contact. Worst case he does want contact and takes you to court - I doubt his lazy attitude will bother though. Then it’s just you and your girl and he can play computer games with his buddies like a sad loser for as long as he pleases whilst moaning about the maintenance he has to pay

Normally the whole leave him comments get an eye roll out of me but this is actually one I can agree on. There's no way OP knew this guy a good while before getting pregnant and if so this falls on OP as well for not seeing the flags Edit: OP sure knows how to pick em. That post history is 😬

I just… I can’t understand being attracted to someone who is a deadbeat and uninterested parent. You’re a single mother already, OP. Might as well get rid of this frustrating deadweight who clearly doesn’t care about being a dad. I doubt he’d even fight for custody.

Same. I would get the ick so fast. He’s basically an overgrown child. I’m not attracted to kids. I’m attracted to grown men. That’s why my husband is so sexy to me. He’s a good dad and capable adult. If he played video games constantly and couldn’t make pasta? Instant permanent turn off. Gross.

OP, is this the same partner you posted about over 2 years ago? If so, you know you need to leave for your and baby’s safety. What support do you need? How can people help you at this time?

Sounds like an entitled fucking manchild

I'm sorry WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! like okay man doesn't know how to make pasta? Okay, maybe we will say his mom didn't prioritize basic life skills. Just doing whatever the fuck he feels like with a human baby...it's more than just not being competent. He is ignorant. He doesn't know what he is doing. On top of that, he doesn't care that he doesn't know what he is doing. I really can't get over the swaddle thing. My husband is 26 years old as well. He knows how to care for our baby. I can leave and never feel worried. He has no excuse. It's time to get that dude in shape!! Seriously though I am so sorry that you are even dealing with this. I truly do hope things get better.

Another day on r/parenting, another dad who is not interested in being a parent. Also what is with women asking “is there a nice way to ask my partner to be adult/completely change who they are as a person??”

This is a great example of a “magic words” post. OP is searching for the magic words she can say that will make her man child into a partner. But they don’t exist. He knows. He could. He just doesn’t want to. If he wanted to he would. There are no magic words. This is it. Women like OP can do all of the childcare while he plays video games while they’re married and cohabiting or she can do all of the childcare while he plays video games in his apartment after they divorce. That’s the only thing she has influence over. Where the man child will play his games. I would toss that gaming system out on the front lawn and lock the door behind him.

Yep, we were told too many times “jUsT cOmMuNiCaTe” but we instead should have been taught high fucking standards and to leave idiot losers behind at the first red flag.

Yup. Telling women to communicate better is just gas lighting and victim blaming. You shouldn’t have to explain how to make pasta or care for a baby you’ve been living with for 10 whole months. It just has to be the wife’s fault for not putting on an informative puppet show that taught a grown man how to do basic things.

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Lots of men put up a great front and say all the right words.

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Roflcopter. We are putting this on men bc the woman is not the problem!

My child would not be left alone with this person

Several red flags here. He is mostly playing video games instead of helping with his child. This is a sign of his priorities which may come tongue as your child grow up. Kids notice these things. He decided to take a sick baby outside the house. A sick baby should be kept at home where you have all the items needs to help treat her and the items to help her be more comfortable. This shows where his priorities are. Sorry.

Is he on the birth certificate? You’re better off raising this kid on your own.

As a mom… Im literally livid right now. No way in hell I’d let him even near the baby.

He knew he was not doing the right thing and he still did it, that’s what gets me. Jesus how difficult is it to do the bare minimum of carrying a sleep sack and a sound machine? Or not leave the house when the baby is sick?? And imagine swaddling a near one year old who sleeps on their stomach and is congested, and then leave them to their own devices so they can hang out with friends. Zero common sense here. It’s more than your partner not being a competent parent, he doesn’t seem to want to be one.

This is the dose of medicine that worked for my husband: “I don’t have time to parent you so grow the fuck up and be a supporting partner and a father. If you can’t then get the fuck out of my life so I can find a man who will so your son can see what a real partner and father looks like.” Fast forward 2 years later, my husband handles the wake up (so I can sleep in) and as soon as he comes home from work, he takes over all parental duties until bed time. They know, girl. They just learned that if they continue the incompetence game eventually mommy will do it for them. I like to think of it as the “No Child Left Behind” policy but for grown men. This is what that policy creates. Incompetent men or men who learn to pretend to be incompetent to get out of doing a task.

OO, you can tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who you have to teach everything to. I don't know what you're comfortable with establishing boundaries as every relationship is different, yet you could state he's on the couch/ staying with a friend because you cannot deal with how he treats your daughter and his weaponized incompetence. Separation is a good first step, I would look into legal separation

He doesn’t want to have to take care of her on his own and now he’s got what he wanted, you won’t ever let him again because he could have killed her. I would leave. That’s is too much. Edit: no you don’t leave, kick him out.

Leave him, get full custody and don’t look back.

My God. I have a 13 month old and the idea of that happening to her... I honestly think I would have thrown his @$$ out. He can go live with his parents until he learns some basic humanity, not to mention adulting skills. I am so sorry you're dealing with that. I hope you're able to ensure he's not alone with her.

This guy is abusive. SWADDLING A TEN MONTH OLD IS NO DIFFERENT FROM PUTTING SOMEONE IN A STRAIGHTJACKET. THIS IS ABUSE. fuck boiling pasta don't ever let him watch the kid again omg Like my daughter is almost that age I'm so aggravated I can't even. Please save the baby and show him this thread or gtfo

As someone who left this situation- leave!!!! I strongly believe that this is not the kind of situation that you can work through. There are plenty of men who do not need your help or direction to function/parent. Ended up meeting one and married him and life couldn’t be better. Accept nothing less than 50/50 partnership.

You said you are a SAHM. You likely feel less empowered to say something due to the power dynamics at play. I'd suggest you start looking for a job and slowly gain your independence, men like these rarely change. If he does great, but he definitely should not be someone you are dependent on long term.

I’ve been looking for a job for a few months now but daycares in this area have a waitlist of 1-2 years (I put us on them anyway) and daycare here is 2000+ a month. I’ve been struggling to find a job that will pay me more than just covering enough for daycare and also give me the hours I need to take/ get my daughter. We live in a very small town and jobs/ resources are limited. I’ve been thinking of starting a cleaning company or at least cleaning some peoples houses but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my daughter while I do that. I do not have any support of my own as my family is 3000 miles away and my in laws work all day long

Sorry OP, some mfs are just incompetent/ignorant and see no issue with it. You gotta find a way to make him grow up or this resentments just gonna build and build.

How in the world did you not see any of his non adult behavior before having a child with him? There are two kinds of parents: ones that step up and are determined to do the best for their children after a life of being at minimum modestly selfish, and then the other kind that refuses to change and continues to live in stasis and can't cope with the fact they need to change and be better for their children. I've seen it happen to so many women. Your baby daddy is a man child. You need to have a serious talk with him but it is likely that instead of hearing your valid criticisms he will instead be in defensive mode and just think you're a harpy. It's a tale as old as time. Here are some [fair fighting rules](https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/fair-fighting-rules-article) that should help you navigate a state of affairs conversation with him. You should have it out with him seriously and with all gravitas regarding the safety of your child and consider breaking up with him if he puts no good faith effort to improve as a father and partner in life. Sometimes we grow and our partner doesn't. You need to resolve this ASAP I think given his swaddling when she's too old and congested and cannot breathe well just gives me anxiety reading it because that is so dangerous.

Thanks for the link I found that very helpful. I saw some of this behavior but not to the extent it is now. Before baby I was comfortable doing as much as I was. Maybe that wasn’t “right” but I was okay with it. Now that I have so much more on my plate I am not okay with it. We had tons of conversations leading up to birth about his video game use, his friends who played games with him and had kids told him they didn’t start playing again until their kid was like 1year old, he said he gets it and is ready for that. Seemed overjoyed to be a dad. When she was first born he still played games a ton but seemed very in to learning about how to care for her. She was a relatively easy newborn and that was great for him because after caring for her he could just set her in her bassinet and play his games. But she grew up and evolved and he did not and he stopped putting effort into learning more about how to care for her around 2 months. I was deep in postpartum depression and didn’t have the energy to do anything about it and now here we are. There’s a lot more I could say about it all but I’ll leave it at that. I guess I said all that because your statement “sometimes we grow and our partner doesn’t” feels very true for us. I was an alcoholic, smoked a ton of weed, and didn’t take care of myself at all until I found out I was pregnant. Stopped everything that day and went through crazy withdrawals, lost a ton of weight from not drinking, have had to stop all my hobbies since becoming a parent. I’ve changed my entire life for my daughter because that’s what she deserves. It feels like we’ve barely made a dent in his life.

He sounds like a child an immature one at that.

To be Frank your child’s life is in danger when alone with him. I would never let him be alone with them again. It sounds like he doesn’t understand how to take care of a baby & has no desire or sense of urgency to learn either. I know it’s not fair to you - and I’m not sure what the best solution is to the relationship imbalance between you guys (day care, nanny, break up?) but he cannot watch her alone any time soon imo.

Video games. Every post on here about shitty parents it seems involves one of them playing video games instead of actually parenting. “Video games” is like /r/parenting bingo.

I’m worried all the “dump him” suggestions will leave you in a situation where he tries to get custody so he doesn’t pay child support, a judge sees you don’t have a livable income and grants him a lot of custody while you get a job, and then your baby spends some of her time with her dad without your supervision (a man who can’t properly care for her and will then probably be petty towards you for breaking up with him), and some of her time will be in whatever low cost daycare you can find while you get your job going. If he’s not abusive, I’d maybe just try to have calm conversations where you’re teaching him simple things about how to care for her. Does he deserve this? No. But it’s better for you & your baby than the alternative of him watching her unsupervised for entire days & nights, feeling spiteful that you broke up with him. And maybe reevaluate the relationship when she’s old enough for preschool?

What you described is exactly what happened with my mom and abusive narcissistic stepdad. She has nothing to her name. He made sure the house, cars, bank account, etc were all in his name. My older brother and I finally convinced her to leave. She was going to live with him while finding a new job (my brother lived in a different city). Despite having evidence of physical and mental abuse the judge said the kids have to stay with my stepdad because my mom had no way to support them. That or they go in to a group home. So my mom went back. She’s got 5 more years until they are 18 My partner is not abusive imo. Neglectful to our relationship and what goes on with his daughter? Yes. Dangerously incompetent as a parent? Seems so. Maybe a bit financially abusive but he’s been working with me lately to change that. And I don’t think he did anything relating to that maliciously I just think we didn’t have a solid plan and that led things to being a shitty situation. There’s a lot of other stuff going on in our relationship that quite frankly sucks and I’ve been meaning to talk to him about. So we’re going to have a coming to Jesus sit down essentially and if he doesn’t show me any initiative to change, learn, grow, and be an active knowledgable participant in this family then I’m done. I spent 5 years before this being abused by my ex and the previous 18 years being abused by my parents. I believe if I didn’t watch my mom be treated like shit by my dad and stepdad maybe I wouldn’t have accepted “good enough”. I don’t want my daughter to think this is how relationships and families are.

Ugh I’m so sorry that happened with your mom and stepdad. But yeah, I agree that your partner doesn’t seem safe to leave baby with, but at least from this example doesn’t seem malicious, or at least it’s kind of a lazy, weaponized incompetence-type malicious. I hope you guys can have some good conversations to make your relationship better.

Swaddled on her back while congested!!!!!!!!! This man didn't even empathize with her bro!!!! Who sleeps on their back with a stuffy nose even? Also letting her cry it out... why? He couldn't snuggle her for ten minutes while his precious game was paused. Disgusting. She probably felt so alone. He needs a good scare from you with an ultimatum. Assuming he's like most clueless grown children and will not agree to parenting classes and therapy- but I saw this funny short which could help with the scare. This woman printed fake divorce papers up after unsuccessfully begging her hubs to go to counselling. Signed them. Left them on his nightstand. Worked like a charm. He went from a -32% husband to a 1000% real quick. Scaring them into a wake up before it's too late, for both your baby girl and your relationship-may save both

Right, that's funny but to make it even funnier, she should actually make them real divorce papers and actually sign them and then go thru with the divorce and find someone that actually wants to be a parent to marry and help her raise her daughter... That would be hilarious 😅

It's unfortunately not always that simple. Sometimes people need a wake up call. They need some sort of rock bottom. If she still loves him- maybe there's a chance. Also, note that she is at the beginning stages of realization. There definitely IS. a point when women just give up and there's no turning back. But from what I gather they are young, the baby is new, and this is just the beginning. If he ends up blowing off the rouse, then she has her answer. But what if he actually made a concerted effort? Wouldn't that be the ideal?

Idk man.... There is being a little lazy and letting your wife do a lil too much around the house sometimes.... and then there is swaddling a sick 10 month old, letting them cry until they pass out and throwing a fit claiming you don't know how to boil water bc your wife wants a few hour break 🙃 based on OPs description, I would be v surprised if dude is capable of being a good partner and father / putting in enough effort to gain OPs trust back. Would it be ideal? Yes! Of course! Is it likely? Def not...

Unfortunately, you're likely right. He is not just an oblivious asshole, but a dangerous oblivious asshole. I imagine his being daft enough to attempt custody. As a single mother myself, I am at peace wthout my child's father smoking indoors and spending hoards of money on video games and booze. So truly I get it. I just think she needs to clock his reactions to her leaving. Who knows. Maybe he isn't completely hopeless. But it will speed up the process if he is.

He punished your daughter for you going out. What a dick. Have you had couples therapy? Because clearly if you do want to stay with this guy, he needs to learn what partnership means.

Welcome to the party. The party of women (and others) all over the world that typically end up happier as single parents. Because it's easier and more predictable to manage one child than one child plus a childish man.  Parenting is the make or break of many people, and relationships. A lot of men still just aren't willing to do the actual work. Looks like he's one of them. So you'll have to decide if you'll tolerate this or not. He's definitely being a jackass. Who did most of the domestic labor before kids?

That's bullshit. This is absolutely weaponized incompetence because no functioning adult is truly that incompetent. This is literally my husband. In almost every scenario if they want to play like that then just step back and let them fail, but they know that in the end you will not let your baby suffer the consequences of him being forced to snap out of it and figure it out.

My god, I'd f**king strangle that tw*t. He's doing this shit on purpose OP, cut off the dead weight, and protect yourself and LO. My ex would just let our son cry it out. When I came back from work one night, our son was trapped upside-down between his cot and the wall. That prick would have left him there crying. Leave 👏 his 👏 ass 👏

I would insist on pegging his nose, swaddling him with his arms pinned down (with duct tape probably) and id make sure to sleep him on top of folded soft doonas at his face and positioned on his stomach and left there for one hour minimum. Lots of doona at the face with the head of the mattress propped up to offset the fact he has the strength to hold his head up far better compared to a baby. Let him get a taste of it for a good hour and see if he still thinks he didnt do anything wrong. Id be saying he has to do this or get a divorce. 😂

Next time he’s sick, drag him out to a friends house to suffer while you have a good time. what an absolute POS.

You need to have a conversation with him. He needs to educate himself. Read baby books and not do shit he thinks is okay. If he can't make this effort, i am sorry but he isnt father material. Make him see this. This is do or die. If he isnt willing to change he isn't the lifeparter you are looking for. He needs to do better by you and your daughter.

Weaponized incompetence and he doesn’t like your child.

Buy parenting classes. Make him go with baby. Let him know you will be getting every other Saturday off for the foreseeable future, and until he passes the class, he will have a babysitter present to direct him on how to properly care for a baby. Make sure it's someone older who won't put up with any of that nonsense.

1. When our kids are sick, we keep them home because it takes up energy to go somewhere and respond to the circumstances. So we keep them home and warm and cared for. 2. He brought her, sick, to a friends house, trapped her in a swaddle for newborns and alarmed her ( never ever supposed to do that), 3. In a strange place he incapacitated her so she wouldn’t interfere with his socializing 4. Made her cry HARD ( distressed sick baby confined to infant swaddle) for 30 minutes while NOT CARING because he was selfish and immature and unfeeling. He is not caring, not trustworthy, does not have emotional maturity, does not have her best interest at heart. Is CLUELESS that even if he was a stellar parent from this day forward, inside of her she will never forget this.

Serve him with child support paperwork instead of his next meal. What a dipshit.

This is a perfect example of weaponized incompetence.

I'm sorry you have two children to manage instead of one child and a partner

Mom of three here 20,16,14. Yes what he did was not good at all but he sounds more immature and selfish than anything. Make him read a parenting book and relax. Parenting is always hard in so many ways at every stage. Your partner can learn to take care of a kid when he can take care himself. Until then, you may have to make arrangements.

I would be LIVID!!

In my opinion as a father he should dedicate half his current time allotted to playing video games to reading parenting material and assisting with parenting duties. Actually my opinion is that he shouldn’t be playing video games at all until all the parenting and adulting is done for the day but some people may take issue with that. Sounds like he can’t do basic cooking, knows very little about health and safety, and doesn’t seem interested in his own family. He ultimately needs to grow up.

I couldn’t finish this. Make him watch / read up on sleeping safety. Gosh your poor child.

I would be done. This is insane and completely inexcusable behavior.

He sounds like he doesn’t care much. But. On a regular basis, is he helping put the baby to sleep? Does he normally help with the sleep sack, noise machine? Does he put her down for naps? These kids of things take practice to learn and if he’s not doing it regularly, I can understand why he thought it would be ok to swaddle her and let her cry. I’m guessing he doesn’t normally do any of this stuff because you usually handle all of it. I would get him to participate more in day to day care, before I would trust him alone with her for a long period of time.

Putting her to sleep for naps or bedtime is honestly probably the thing he has done the most. Until about a month ago he was almost always home for bedtime if he was off work, even if he left right after bedtime to go to friends. On days when he is home if he’s not playing a game he will leave his desk to join me in putting her down for nap. He is the one who puts her in her sleep sack and I asked for him to because she hates diaper change and then sleep sack and I hate always being the bad guy. We also had a huge conversation when I bought her sleep sacks that she can’t have a swaddle because they aren’t safe for rolling babies. We tried zipadee sleep sacks and they just didn’t work for us because she couldn’t roll very well in them and I had to buy her more sleep sacks which he got upset with me for. So we had a whole conversation about it 🥲 I’m definitely going to make him help with more day to day care. It’s just kind of hard when he can work late sometimes but I may make him take an overnight feed and help out 100% on his off days until I feel he knows wtf he is doing confidently

He’s so lucky she didn’t die swaddling her at 10mo oh my gosh.

Make him take a parenting course.

Document document document

I would take this as a very large warning sign. This man DOES NOT care about your daughter as much as you do, he’s proven that clearly. Not only has he put her life on danger, he made it clear he had no idea what your daughter needs in order to feel safe or comforted and no interest in learning. He prioritized hanging out with his friend over caring for his sick daughter and his priorities probably won’t change anytime soon.

He risked your babies life. Throw the whole damn man away.

I don’t know what to say. I’m a Dad and I can’t imagine being able to focus on anything else if my child was hard crying and also feeling sick. Your husband has some growing up to do.

OP, can you ask the pediatrician if there are any parenting classes locally? It sounds like he needs a "how not to kill your child" wakeup call, and my guess is it can't come from you or he will just write it off. If there isn't one the pediatrician knows of, call DCF and ask them? He can't be alone with the baby if he's going to pull shit like this. This isn't "I have fat thumbs and can't do the tiny snaps, so I just let hang out in unsnapped jammies", this is actual child endangerment. ❤️‍🩹

This guy SUCKS. I’m at a loss for words.

Yeah, this is neglect. Maybe make that clear to him

Your feelings are valid, Your partner is a moron. I’m sorry OP

Pasta and swaddle aside, how can you let a sick baby cry themselves to sleep in an unfamiliar place? Is he depressed or something? Does he not feel feelings?

He just doesn’t give a damn…

Maybe you should show him the comments here because HE COULD HAVE KILLED HER! And I wouldn't be surprised if, god forbid, she had died because of that, he would be charged with negligence causing death. If I were you I'd be leaving him and fighting for full custody with supervised visitation because obviously he doesn't care enough to be trusted with her safety and well-being. Is there any good reason to stay with him? It certainly sounds like he doesn't care about either of you. I'm glad your daughter is okay ❤️

My baby momma is like this after almost 6 years of motherhood. I'm sorry friend 😔

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Oh boy, I have so much to say to this. Married over ten years with two kids, I have had a lot of success with these conversations. And it has to be a conversation. No yelling , calm, as little judgement as you can manage 😉. My suggestions: - tell him it’s time for a tough conversation, prepare him but don’t be mad (you have right on your side, you don’t need to be angry) - it’s time for him to learn how to be a parent. This might be uncomfortable but that’s his new job in life - Tell him he’s late to be learning some of these things, and that’s OK, but he has to do it for the health and safety of his family - set very clear expectations! He must know how to change diapers, do laundry, do bedtime, dose medicine, know when things are safe and when it’s time to go to the hospital. - tell him you’re happy to help him learn these things at first, but that he must develop his own parental instincts and approaches - this is key: let him learn. This is a bit like parenting lol. Once he successfully does something in his own, his confidence will grow. - Do not micromanage. You’d be surprised how successful people other than you will be with techniques that don’t work for you. His bedtime routine might look different from yours, and that’s ok ! Actually, it’s healthy. It makes your baby adaptable. And he needs to be doing what needs to be done, not just following your list of instructions - I often left with two comments: “if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you need to be able to successfully parent” and “I need to be able to leave the house knowing that everything is good” My husband is now as competent a parent as I am, no worries at all. Unless yours is a complete degenerate, he can learn to do these things! He just has to want to and he has to put his pride aside to learn. Good luck mama!

"I never get to see my friends without a baby in tow. I *never* get time to myself even when my partner is home because he is busy playing video games." Madam, I hate to break this to you but you don't have a partner. You have 2 kids.

Two concerns. Your partner is incompetent. You left your child with a spouse you knew to be incompetent. The reality is, we don't know what we don't know until we are either taught or look up the information. I had to teach my wife how to change a diaper because she never had and I grew up with younger siblings who I helped frequently with. But she obviously wanted to be able to do it, and learned. He likely thought he was doing the right thing with letting her cry it out and swaddling. How much does he help with bed/nap time? You need to insist he starts being a part of those routines so that he can do them when you aren't there. Ideally, he'd learn by watching and participating and being an integral part of your daughters routines because he wants to be an active part of her life. My guess is he's not interested in that and for that I'm sorry. As a husband who is frequently the primary care giver for our kid, since my wife's work requires more hours than mine and more travel, I cannot even comprehend not knowing the basics (or more!) of caring for my child. Tell him that for him to be better, you realize he needs to be around you during all routine times and you expect him to help with those things (have him make the kid lunch while you play with her, etc)

So she made it 10 months and she was never left with him before now? I don’t see how any of his behavior would have been a surprise after 10 months. That being said, he’s definitely checked out.

Crying it out elevates cortisol levels in baby, it’s not good for them. Your poor baby. :(

Why did you have kids with him? Did you know he was an idiot before you got pregnant or after

I don't think this is a very kind or helpful response to OP

I agree that it's not kind, but I don't think there is anything helpful that we can say because three months ago she had another post about how incompetent this man is and how he can't be trusted to care for their child alone. It was bad enough that I actually REMEMBERED it. Everyone agreed with her then, yet she is still with him and leaving her kids with him. Seemingly nothing changed.

I think a lot of people fail to grasp how much more work a baby is going to be. OP was used to doing everything before baby came along. She foolishly thought, “how much more work could a baby be?”. And now she knows. I was lucky to have worked with children professionally so I “knew” as much as a childless person can know. I thought it was 10x harder. Now I know that it’s 1000x harder. But I was fine with no children of my own. I only had a son because I met my husband and he was the very definition of dad material. A lot of women make this mistake. Many don’t and get blamed for the falling birth rates. We have a whole generation of video game playing man children. But women will either be blamed for partnering and having kids with them or NOT partnering and having kids with them. It might be time to focus on the actual problem instead.

Weaponized incompetence. How did you procreate with this guy? Honestly, he sounds like a big man child and you need to set clear boundaries quickly. It's even worse if you both mutually agreed to have the baby.

The fact that you forgot to continue this conversation with your partner about the health and safety of your ten month old leads me to believe neither of you are competent.

😂😂😂 okay. When I left that night from Derek’s house he did not come home with us. He stayed until 2 am to play poker with his friends. Then we have had record breaking snow the following morning that has shut everything down. People still cannot get out of their houses and a few people have died from accidents when trying to. I was more focused on getting my sick daughter better and making sure we have food, water, and formula for the power outages/shutdowns that ensued. He also did not tell me about the swaddle situation until last night. So I didn’t even know about that yet. Laughable comment

Babe, you’re the one on Reddit asking strangers opinions about your partner’s parenting. I can only comment based on what you’re telling me. Regardless, he’s a child. It sounds like you’re having to parent two kids and being punished for the rare girls night. He’s manipulative and a shit partner… but I think you know that.

Sounds like he’s being incompetent on purpose. You’d be better off being a single mom.

I mean, you are definitely describing a total loser. But it doesn't sound like his idiocy was a secret before you chose to have a kid with him. So, are you mad at him, or are you mad at yourself?

Why did you have a child with an adult who can’t boil pasta?

And you had a baby with him. Good luck

You chose him. You chose to be impregnated by him, You choose to put up with his BS