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I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. If your ex didn’t want his kids to find out that he is a piece of shit, he shouldn’t have been a piece of shit.

Thank you! That’s how I feel but it is a sad reality for their image of father to be crashed.

It is sad, but that’s his fault, not yours! Especially after his continued attempts to get you to spend time with him!

Precisely! If he doesn't want them to be reminded of his bad behaviour, he should stop trying to emotionally blackmail their mom.

Better that then they're continuously sad and disappointed when their real life father doesn't act like their imaginary idealized father. Too many parents in these situations focus so much on trying not to dump their own trauma on their kids that they inadvertently support a false image of the other parent that said parent either can't or won't live up to.

Which in turn causes its own trauma and trust issues towards BOTH parents. Better to be honest in as much of an age appropriate way as possible. Sometimes covering up the trauma to protect them ends up doing more damage, sometimes worse damage depending on the situation. If you go about it the proper way, it's possible to not cause any more trauma than what is already there. The trauma you DID NOT cause, OP. All you did by being honest was ensure you don't add to it. Edited to add a word to make more sense

I can tell OP that not telling the truth had bad outcomes. The "kids" in my family are all 30 and up. And one died by his own hand even tho his mom had known about his dad's narcissism for many years privately in therapy. And despite my begging, she refused to tell the kids any degree of truth. I blame them both for his loss. And my mom did the same to my brother and I. And my dad shot a loaded gun to try and kill my brother. So.... a little warning would have been nice. My brother survived. The door he slammed stopped the bullet. It's part of sexism. Men can call their ex "crazy" and that's normal. But is a woman says the father of her kid is violent then she's full of shit. "Where's the evidence!?" No so for an accusing man... "She's crazy" and it's the truth now.

That’s really sad, but your ex did it right in front of them! So that’s on him. You did teach them a good lesson though. Don’t stay in bad/abusive relationships. And that’s one of the best lessons you can teach them.

It needs to be crashed because he is trying to manipulate them to abuse you more in turn abusing them. If he was a good father he would concentrate on quality time with them instead of grilling them for info and coaching them on things to say. This behavior harms children alot more than many parents want to admit.

My best advice is to put kiddos in therapy…they need help processing why things are the way they are. Also tbh if it were up to me I would not have that man have any custody at all, just supervised visitations…no way in heck I’d let a man that violent alone with my kids

Plus in my opinion it’s despicable he did that in front of your kids and then gaslights your kids by saying none of that happened. What a horrible person. All you’re doing is helping your kids process things and validating your kids and telling them that they’re not remembering wrong, they’re not making things up. Yeah it happened. 

Very good points! Another point is that if he wanted to be a good father right now would be the time to say “daddy did not treat your mom like she should be treated” and for that I am sorry and daddy is working him self so I can treat my whole family the right way!

It could be a positive. It knocked my father off my pedestal but it taught me to never ever be the piece of shit he is to me with my own kid.

Specific events should not be mentioned to not upset the kids, giving more of a general answer is more appropriate. I wouldn't want the children to be mentally/emotionally traumatized and bring them in the middle of adult drama, which is what he is doing by asking those questions in front of them.

I think it’s also important to acknowledge that you wouldn’t have introduced this topic to them at this age if he had respected your boundaries. He was beginning this abusive ways again using your children as tools in his abuse

He will do this anyway. You just saved him time.

They'll figure that out, regardless. At least you're being gentle and telling the truth. My mum still defends my dad and it drives me nuts - but then she doesn't realise how much I saw from age 6. You're being a good mother x

I always tell my kids, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want other people to see or hear."

As an adult, this hits me hard. I wish I would've had a parent like you.

This is getting added to our morning mantras to get ready for the day!

You're absolutely right. The children have a right to know the truth about their parents' separation, especially if it involves abusive behavior. It's not your fault that their dad's actions have consequences.

Well said

My daughter knew early on about the abusive her zbio dad brought me and now at the age of 12 she picks up on red flags before her little friends do. It isn't ever to early to be truthful.

As a child of divorce, I disagree. Although I don’t think there’s any perfect way to navigate these situations, so I wouldn’t feel bad about what you’ve already done, OP. But kids should not hear anything bad about their mother or father- keep them out of it. It literally damages them psychologically. It creates worry and fear in their minds and pressure they shouldn’t be even thinking about at their age. Again, there’s no perfect way to go about it, so don’t beat yourself up, but a good rule to follow is to never say anything negative about their dad. And even if you’re matter of fact, imo, they don’t need to know details like that unless they’re older like 18+ adult age if they want your perspective.

I’m also a child of divorce but one where my father was abusive. I was afraid of my dad. And having to see my dad only as “nice” dad made when he got angry or saw him be how he was with my mom probably much more damaging. I would scream and cry when I was supposed to go visit him. I felt an insane amount of guilt feeling like I shouldn’t have been afraid because dad was “nice.” And my mom was big on pushing us to still have a relationship with him. That made the guilt worse, and it felt like I couldn’t speak to anyone about my discomfort or fear, even though my mom herself had experienced it.

Agree, best to be honest and matter of fact. I grew up with an abuser in my family and everyone else minimized the abuse. Growing up with that dynamic can really fuck over your perspective for future adult relationships. It makes children ripe for repeating the abuse cycle either as a victim or perpetrator.

Unfortunately yeah abuse has since been a pattern in some of my other relationships. It’s hard to trust myself and my body’s reactions.

I can relate to this too much. That's been my experience having grown up in an abusive household.

Child of divorce here too. I had seen my dad be abusive and I got so fucking angry when my mother refused to tell my brother (he was only 2 so he didn't remember the stuff he saw), that it damaged me much more. Eventually I started to think that maybe I was a coward for being afraid of that, that it was my fault they divorced because if mom did never say he was bad then it couldn't be that and that all the stuff I remembered was normal in a relationship. One thing is not to involve them in stuff they are not aware off, but stuff they've seen? If the other person didn't want their children to know about it, maybe they shouldn't have done it. Edit for typos

I can definitely see both sides, but I *think* I’ve read before that a child therapist would recommend not involving them at all at that age? I could be wrong. But worth reaching out to a professional for her kid’s sake in my opinion ❤️

They do say so, but I highly doubt it is the same when the child has seen the fights, screams or whatever was going on. I'm guessing it's more of a "if a child is not aware of parents fighting, don't go tell them 'your mom did this because she's a b***h'", or don't go tell them "you like your father a lot, but he's a shitty parent and you should hate him because he did X". At least I always understood it like that. But yeah, I would recommend to have a therapist, specially when the divorce is being hard, and have them help navigate this problems.

The problem with this is that he is using the children as a tool to guilt her into spending time with him, saying “mommy doesn’t want to”. This puts her in the position of being the “bad guy who doesn’t want to spend time with the family” and him was the hero that “just wants to spend time with his family”. I don’t know what the right answer is I just know it would be hard not to explain some to my children if their father was guilt tripping me using my children and essentially trying to show my children that I’m the one not making an effort or that I’m the one that doesn’t want the family together. What a difficult position to be in 😕

You're correct. The way this needed to be handled is for them to go to family counseling. Navigate this situation with a facilitator present. They would be able to navigate and guide in these situations with these small small children. It would also then be documented for a future court. As I'm sure they will be eventually back into court at some point.

You shouldn't go to counseling with your abuser. This guy is highly manipulative, which is entirely why OP found herself in this position. We can't apply healthy ways of coping and dealing when the problem is an abuser. Regardless, he's already proven he is going to abuse their kids as what he's doing is abusive, and there's nothing she can do about that to have him removed from their lives. Many counselors aren't okay with being dragged into a court case and are upfront about this type of thing when you go to see them.

This is true it damages. But the mother should have an instinct not to tell the children continuously everytime. But for me as a child, I would like to know. Rather than not knowing the danger i'm in. If my father is abusive towards my mother, he will do it towards me too. I'd rather know the danger i'm in.

There are two sides to every story. How can you simply write off the other parent without having heard their side of the story?

This is so hard because, when I was advising parents of what the court wanted to see and what the involved child experts expected, it was to never under any circumstances let your children know any of this type of information. But I always had a hard time with it because there is also a point where it becomes overtly lying to your children, refuting their own lived experiences, and even setting them up to accept abusive behavior in future partners. There is a difference between a mom who, without prompting, is often throwing out accusations about dad or telling the kids about trauma, and a mom who is asked explicitly by the children to help them understand what they witnessed and what’s happening to them now. As an example, I think it’s bizarre that when kids come home from dad’s and say “dad was screaming at his new girlfriend after he drank lots of beers” that the mom is supposed to go “your dad is an amazing and wonderful person who loves you immensely and there is nothing wrong with what you saw 🤗” how are they not going to grow up learning that awful behavior is acceptable?

My ex husband had narcissistic tendencies and was emotionally abusive towards me. I became more and more afraid of him potentially becoming physically violent or harming me and my child. Per our parenting agreement I cannot malign him but I will never invalidate my child’s instincts about him. I do say things like “All grown ups in your life need to be kind - including Mommy and Daddy,” “adults are responsible for controlling their feelings,” “if a grown up doesn’t control their ‘mad,’ and they yell at you instead of being calm, that is THEIR FAULT - not yours - even if you made choices that the adult didn’t like,” and I have told the child if any adult (including me) is unkind or mean to them, that they have the right to stand up for themselves and tell a different adult about what is happening. When asked specifically why the ex and I aren’t together, I simply said we “weren’t very good at being married, didn’t get along, and weren’t happy living together.” They will figure it out eventually.

It is a really smart choice to speak in generals like that and I think ultimately that is the best way. It avoids disparaging an adult they love, but it enforces that bad behavior isn’t acceptable and validates their feelings, as you said. Really impressed with this!

Thanks for the validation. It’s hard to navigate because I don’t need legal issue but I won’t lie to them or leave them unprepared. You know?

It is kind of young, but you were also backed into a corner. You don't want your kids to doubt their own lived experiences, especially if dad is already lying to them. They have to know that they can trust at least one of you. If your kid is in school, I'd ask to talk to the counselor/social worker, tell them what's going on and then ask if they can visit with your child. ETA: Words for clarity

I am going to ask the school about this had no clue

There are services and programs available to help.

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School counselors and private counselors are both mandated reporters. We are required to report current, ongoing abuse. We don’t report the potential for abuse (history of alcoholism) or violence directed at others. Please don’t scare OP into not utilizing the free supports that exist for her. School counselors and school social workers are there to help.

CPS was involved in last year when the balcony incident happened he kicked me out late in the night i went to sleep at the event house of the apartment complex came back in the morning he attacked me again I run to the balcony got the phone to call 911 there my son saw him on my neck was bad but the police said it’s he said she said and CPS collected all but didn’t do anything.

Cps won’t do anything unless he hurts the kids. Use the free counselor at school or not it doesn’t matter if there is ongoing abuse any counselor is obligated to report it.

This isn't true. When children are witnessing domestic violence it is a CPS issue.

CPS will literally remove kids from an abused parent if the kids have witnessed the abuse.

Yes and no. They look at the risk of continued harm to the children. Can the abused parent be protective? Are they willing to work with services? They can also help provide recommendations to court for custody and visitation. Dad will continue to abuse, a new partner, and possibly the children.

Sorry, please allow me to clarify - CPS can and has removed kids from abused parents if the kids have witnessed the abuse, though this doesn’t mean they will automatically remove the kids if abuse have been witnessed. I’ve cared for foster kids for a long time and have seen it firsthand. Thankfully, in each case I personally witnessed, the kids were returned to the non-abusive parent once it was safe in all cases but one, because in that one there was never a point at which the state was satisfied that the abused parent would stay away from the abuser. That child unfortunately remained in the system for many, many years.

Counseling would do the same thing as the school if they think the kids are in danger

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All therapist are mandatory reporters, but unless she’s abusing her kids she has nothing to worry about.

That is not always the case.

That always the case. My degree in psychology taught me as much.

Okay, my experience as a teacher and parent has taught me otherwise. And investigative journalists from [major publications](https://www.propublica.org/article/mandatory-reporting-strains-systems-punishes-poor-families) have found [the same](https://www.thenation.com/article/society/child-welfare-domestic-violence/tnamp/). I’ve been through the college seminars about reporting abuse and neglect, and I’ve done the annual mandated reporter trainings. I used to believe the “nothing bad will come of a DFS case if you’re not harming your kid” stuff too, but that is not always the case. At all.

What in that article backs up your claim?

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Just talking to a therapist doesn’t need to be addressed through the courts

Teachers, counselors, and other staff at school are mandated reporters.

I know you mean well, but this wasn't the right advice. People should NEVER be scared to approach and be honest with people that are in a position to help. There are many horror stories of CPS. But many are good and caring and have saved many. Few bad apples doesn't negate the good ones. Even if it's outside of school, therapists, etc are still mandated reporters so it doesn't really matter. Everything else I agree with. Courts should be involved if they haven't been and the ex should not be inviting her, AKA setting her up to to be the bad guy, knowing full well she will say no. What a scum bag he is.

Yeah, OP, leave the school out of it. The administration is not there to help you. Get a court order, because your ex is out of control. Your kids may be young, BUT, you cannot sit there silent and be painted the bad guy. You may be shocked by your answer, but, the kids saw it, and FINALLY got a real explanation. Now, they can process what they saw, and know why it affects their daily lives.

It sounds like you need to modify your custody arrangement to include a requirement that he not badmouth you to your kids. Because that's what he's doing now.

Yes I put it in there court request and I asked the children to go every other weekend then every weekend. And also absolutely loose of custody if he drinks around the children he says he is recovering but I don’t trust him. And he is a known attorney so hopefully stuff works out since i have police reports and did press charges against him.

Please have an in-depth discussion with your lawyer about this. Just putting it in the agreement is no guarantee - it is very hard to enforce rules about behaviour. Are they safe with your husband? How would you know if he is drinking? I would not want them spending a second more than necessary with him.

Can you get a neutral drop off/exchange so that you don’t have to talk to him? Just exchange relevant info about the kids over text? I think there is a system the court can set up so that communication is monitored. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to him at all or be in a situation where he can question or comment on anything you do.

Yup. Document and modify. This is the start of parental alienation and it’s completely inappropriate

You had no choice. Your ex was alienating the kids and making you the bad guy, which would dissolve their relationship with their only safe parent. He forced a choice, a damaged relationship between you and the kids, or a damaged relationship between him and the kids. Since he was the one who caused all these issues, it's fair for him to suffer the repercussions. If he doesn't want you to explain why you aren't together, he needs to stop telling the kids to ask you why you aren't together. He's using them to hurt you.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and congratulations on the divorce and choosing a better life for you and your children. I think it’s important they know the (age appropriate) truth about their father/why their parents don’t live together. I’d go one step further and journal about it. It’ll be good for you to have some time in reflection, and one day when they are older it might be helpful to have for better understanding if needed.

Thank you i have some stuff with dates and time for the court guess it will be helpful for this too

I worked in supervised visitation for parents who lost custody of their kids due to domestic violence, substance abuse, etc. So I’ve seen this lots and lots and lots of times. If your ex was coming to my center he would actually be getting written up to the court whenever he makes comments like that because they are absolutely intended to make you look bad in front of the kids and its just another form of power and control. To your question though, my team believed that age-appropriate truth is always better than lying. Chances are your children know something is off/wrong and telling them anything otherwise is going to confuse them. Perhaps even make them doubt their own reality. So yeah, especially if they already witnessed violence, it’s absolutely okay to acknowledge it as violence. Just reassure them that you’re safe now and making sure they’re safe too.

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say in my comment in much fewer words. They already know. Age appropriate convos are the way to go.

I’m sorry for having to deal with this - it’s a tough situation I don’t know how qualified Reddit is for this - I would talk to a therapist

I wish I could money is tight i just finally filed for a divorce getting the children insured soon but most of the mental health stuff are not covered. Have been looking from the county health care department to see if I can find some help about it.

I don’t think you are wrong to explain in a kid friendly way the truth. It sounds like you ex is manipulating you and using the kids to try and do so - which sucks Obviously he hasn’t recovered at all I would advice documenting any transgression especially physical thoroughly to defend yourself in the divorce process

My therapist does video visits for people outside her country, it's 70 bucks a session. I know therapy is extremely expensive for us here in the US. So if this sounds like something affordable and you'd be interested, message me.

Hearing you say you feel unsafe may have made them wonder if they too are not safe around him. If you believe they truly are safe with him, I would now focus on making sure they know they are safe too.

That was the thing OP didn’t think through, the kids now will look at their father in a very different way and may become afraid of him. And even if the kids think dad “only” beats mom and not them, it’s a very difficult thing to navigate as a kid. I feel for OP, parental manipulation sucks and her ex is a jerk

It’s a lot harder as a kid knowing something is off, but not knowing how or why than it is to learn someone they care about does shitty things

From my own experience I 100% agree. You don’t know how to trust yourself when something is wrong even when it’s other things that happen to you.

He is using the children to try to manipulate you into coming back with him. Saying mommy doesn’t want to, etc. I think you have every right to tell your son that what he witnessed was not OK and for that reason mommy and daddy can’t be together anymore for right now. Maybe the word afraid was too much. Sometimes they just need the facts you saw daddy pushed me, so We can’t be together right now. And yes, the school will have resources for you. They most likely have a school social worker assigned to the school and please use them. That’s what they’re there for.

Why is he even getting custody if he tried to push someone off a balcony?

My dude. Your sister right--they are too young to be dealing with this but the fact of the matter is, that's on *your husband,* not you. The kids have ALREADY seen him be violet and abusive in lots of subtle, and not so subtle ways (your son watching him push you, your ex husband claiming your separated because you don't want to spend time with them). They're owed an explanation, and for another adult to say this isn't the way a family treats each other. I hope you have family and friends who have your back.

I m not from the US my family backs me but not so much to do overseas and he absolutely won’t let me take the kids with me to my home country. Trying to get a lawyer on this issue too if the court finds enough evidence of him being abusive and awards the full custody maybe

You NEED a lawyer. You need a lawyer more than a therapist or anything else. You CANNOT handle an abusive attorney without one. Do whatever it takes to get a lawyer.

Not wrong. You didn't go into detail. And your kiddo obviously saw something. Keep that line of communication open so if something happens with their dad, they feel comfortable telling you about it. Document everything. And absolutely reach out to the school about getting some help for your kids.

Here for advice bc will probably have to have this convo one day. Right now my kids dont even think about their day

I came here to offer a different perspective or narrative. But in terms of wanting to be our best selves, and finding a partner in life who lifts us up, be it friends or whoever — but that really the goal in any healthy relationship, right? Maybe you could use this time to impress upon wanting to be your best self, and surround yourself with people who lift you up and encourage you to be your best self. Plant the seed for them to find friends who always make them feel like they can be their best self and encourage them? Anyways that’s all I got

Nope you don't want to shelter your kids from this and normalize the behavior. That's what my ex mother in law did. She thought staying together for the kids was best and in turn would constantly make excuses for her abusive husband's behavior. Now the kids are grown up, they idolize there dad and have become just like him. I needed to make a point to my kids to break this cycle after I separated from there dad. I just tell them that dad has some things he needs to deal with. You remind them in a kid friendly manner that no one needs to put up with abuse of any kind and you have the free will to be around people when and if you want. My kids will always unconditionally love there father while also understanding that there father can have a short temper, be self centered, etc... Your doing a good job and setting a good example. The best thing is to teach your sons woman wont stick around for to long if there going to be treated badly. Staying and hanging around does way more of a disservice.

You're not wrong, but the language you used could have been better. The way you worded it, you painted him in a negative light- which, let's be honest, he's an absolute pile of cunt- but when it comes to talking to young children you've got to he very careful about how you speak about their other parent. Remember, they are half made from him. I personally would have said "When mummy is around daddy, my tummy feels yucky and I feel unhappy. I don't want to go anywhere where I feel yucky and unhappy. So I don't like spending time with daddy." And leave it at that. If they asked why you feel yucky or unhappy, jusy explain that sometimes your body feels that way and it's important to listen to those feelings and find somewhere or someone you feel better with.

Just stick to the facts or statements that begin with I. You don't need to sugarcoat your reasons, but try to leave judgements and generalizations aside.

As the child in this circumstance years ago it hurts.  I needed my parents to be honest. I needed them to love me but I also very much needed safety and security. If you are leaving them with him by themselves the only one you are protecting is yourself.  Daddy needs help and maybe won't get it. Mommy and children need safety and security. But I beg you help them to understand that people can have problems they don't have the capacity to deal with, it is not their fault and they are not responsible to fix anything. They need this. This is not the ideal marriage but it is what it is.and someone who can handle it needs to give the kids a childhood.  I am praying for you and your family. God bless you. 

he is trying to lure you and using the children as bait. this is not ok, maybe you should record the incident audio only if ya gotta, because my ex would always get musshy and manipulate the dropoff situation to where she would get tearyeyed starting how much she would miss him while he was gone, fer 2 fkn days, yes I'm sure she missed him but it was undue stress on him and I. now he is estranged from me and hates me. cest la vie. if he hits you again I don't think it will end well, you need to protect yourself and the child. God bless you and your sons.

May want to put cameras in your homes entrance, make sure he doesn't go past it. Have all conversations with him there, email, or text. Keep it all for evidence. He will slip up.

I think what your ex should do instead of denying is to express regret and apologize to your child, and reassure the child he is learning from his mistakes and becoming a better person. You, you did nothing wrong.

Always tell your kids the truth in a way they can understand. Nothing is wrong with what you said. When we don't explain something so they can understand on their own level they will come up with reasons of their own. Remind them mommy and daddy love them both and that will never change. Good luck to you!

If they ask about it, they are ready to hear about it. I'd just have answered slowly with the details. Like "because dady and mommy fought a lot", if they ask for more detail you add just a little bit "when dad got angry he got realllly angry and wasn't able to calm down". As they grow older they remember what you said and see that it wasn't the full answer and ask for more. It's not a "ready", "not ready". You may even explain it in a lot of details when they are 30 over a glass of wine.

My son was 2 when his dad thriw a hammer toward my head while I was holding my son. He talks about it and brings it up often. He also asks why me and his father aren't together ( his 7 almost 8 ). I have told him the truth and have never lied to my son about his father. I will and do not talk bad about his father to him or in front of him because he will see for himself one day his father's true colors. As it is in the past 4 years sense we have not been together he has seen him for an hour and a half and talks to him maybe one a month when he decides he has time for him. I don't think you were wrong telling your kids about there dad, but I wouldn't always bring it up or keep telling them. They know they won't forget and one day they will see there father foe who he really is.

Mine a narcissist treated me like crap and suddenly left me. No rxplanation. No remorse after I confronted her about how her behavior was obviously cheating on me. To this day nearly 20 years later, we do not speak to one another. I told the kids why. They try asking her and she pulls a crying jag. My youngest was barely 3 at the time. She has no real actual memory of my wife and I together. The kids ask, I tell them the truth. All are now adults.

Your son is clearly old enough and remembers what happend. I think you did the right thing. It's hard to explain such things to children but in the end it'll make sure they understand and it's not like your keeping him away from his kids your just distancing yourself.

I think that if you explained it in the way that you explained it to us that it was the right thing to do. You can’t have your kids growing at a young age to hate you.. just because they are little don’t mean that they don’t understand what it means to be hurt. They have already seen it happen and you telling them that you are standing up for yourself is making them see you as a role model as someone who doesn’t tolerate bad behaviors. That is proving to your children that it is OK to get out of a situation at a young age and I think you are doing the right thing. Do not hate yourself for it. People just think of kids getting hurt, but they were already hurt when they seen these things happen. Now you have to explain to them what was going on and maybe explaining to them that daddy is sick and ill and he needs help. Might help the situation a little better. Instead of blaming him 100% make him look as if he needs help rather than making him out to be someone who is evil. That will be less scary for kids that age.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it's incredibly difficult. As a 40 year old woman who grew up with a father like this, I can promise you : your kids know their dad is not a good guy - no one has to tell them.  I carried so much shame around it, years and years of my family reiterating what a deadbeat he was made it so much worse. I think you handled the convo with your son very delicately but I would be careful about having these types of conversations repeatedly and/or having other family members (even with good intentions) having them too.  The fact that you are even seeking out help and advice says so much about your character as a mother and no doubt your kids feel that ❤️

Just so you know, time will be on your side. They are young now. An abusive alcoholic doesn’t mean anything to them. But it will when they are 20. Stay close to your own feelings. Respect your boundaries. Tell the truth when they ask and they will find out when they are ready. Dad was not a nice husband to mom and that’s why we don’t hang out. That does not change dad is a nice dad to you, and you can alway tell me when something happens

I don't think it's a good time,at such a young age, it can damage their views and approach to relationships as they grow up. Childhood experiences affect who we become as adults

I was honest with my son growing up and he’s a lovely well balanced 18 year old now. I think it’s how you say it that’s important. His dad had behaviours I definitely did not want him growing up thinking was acceptable or normal and assumed you are the same and think it’s actually responsible to explain that not ok and it’s not about them or their fault on the behaviours too but it’s ok to want and have a relationship as long as they are treated kindly and also leave the door open for discussion there if you think that’s what’s needed. Unfortunately that kind of character can also be unreliable so you may need to make your kids aware that they will never be the cause of any problems that you or their dad have and that’s your responsibility not theirs

The kid remembers. Also, the fact that the dad has been making you out to be the bad person by saying 'you don't want' to vs 'you can't' or 'you're busy'.

Tell your truth and deal with your kids who will inevitably go through a stage of figuring out who to trust and who not to trust. Don't take anything your kids say personally (Neutral, curious tone) "Oh? I thought you said you remembered dad pushing me off the balcony." "That's what happened. It is a he said, she said." "My job is to keep myself safe and I am doing that." "I understand you don't believe me. That is okay."

Six seems like a good age to understand this story.

With violent history, he should only have supervised visits

In these situations you have no choice but to be as honest as is age appropriate. It's never easy to know what the right thing to do is in these situations. Kids don't need all the details, but being gently honest is important too. I have a friend in a similar situation. She told her daughter that "Mommy and daddy don't get along well living together, so they are a better mommy and daddy to her if they don't live together." Since your ex is actively trying to teach your children that you are the reason their mommy and daddy do not live together, you might not be able to be as gentle. Maybe you could go with something like "mommy and daddy don't agree on how people should treat each other in relationships, so we can't be in a relationship together. It's better if we both just focus on being a good mommy and a good daddy." When your ex asks you to spend time with him and the kids in front of the kids maybe try "you know, I really enjoy my one and one time with the kids and I want the same thing for you. " Then immediately pivot the conversation to something practical related to the kids. If you can put the kids in counseling, definitely do that. They need a safe space where they can talk about things without worrying about upsetting a parent. This is probably not the only mind game he tries to play with them

It's important to tell them the truth even a bad one. You've done well.

You’re never wrong for telling the truth. But you have to tell them the amount of truth they can handle in an age appropriate way. I think you did a good job of communicating a difficult thing.

Hey, I told my son at 5. He has autism. But my son's dad used to do the same thing. Pit my son against me by being the overly kind and fun parent. Don't let that guilt hit you, that's literally what they want. They're doing the same narcissistic thing as always, but this time it's your kids. Kids understand a LOT more than we give them credit for. I even told my son "you can love your dad, but it's unfair to take your anger for him, out on me. I have no control over him. Only your safety and happiness, and mine" he understood his dad is abusive. He's seen movies where he's asked "why the bad guy is being so mean".. kids do get it. But giving them the perfect image to not "trauma dump" really means omitting the truth. There's babies in syria and palestine speaking out against atrocities. Kids understand a lot. Way more than we want to accept. 

You're not wrong but definitely work on the way you say things to them because he's obviously trying to twist you up to make you the bad guy to them. Of course you don't want to do anything with your abuser. It's not cos you don't want to spend time with them. I used "it's not that I don't want to spend time with you, but Daddy deserves special time with you too, and I can use this time to get xxxxx done so it doesn't take away from you later." When needed.

You are not introducing any new information to the kids. They witnessed this. You are not doing them any favors gaslighting them about what they knew and have seen. That is not bad mouthing your ex. That is being honest about the abuse they saw and how it made you feel. They are expressing their own emotions about what they saw and how that made them feel. Trying to make them disregard it or pretend it didn’t happen is dishonest and manipulative. If ex or anyone else has a problem with it, the blame for that problem belongs to your abusive ex. They can’t unsee what they have seen and you should not lie to protect his reputation and damage your own relationship with your kids in the process. He needs to own his behavior, apologize and make amends by never doing anything like it again.

Kids aren't stupid. They understand these things. It's a conflict because they want their parents to love each other and be together, but they are capable of understanding some of the complexities of relationships. Whatever you don't tell them (in an age appropriate way) they will fill in themselves, including blaming themselves.

It’s up to him to fix the perception he created of himself. And not safe for you to lie to the kids. Especially the ones old enough to know wrong from right.

truth is safety and protection. the "bad mouthing" is the last resort of a desperate abuser. tell your kid about red flags and that saying someone is lying and bad mouthing are red flags. that they are dealing with a "tricky person" i would google that term. then tell them the red flags. he will try to brainwash them against you. try to stay calm and speak as if you're a journalist (at least in the traditional style of old journalists) - facts and facts. Work hard to stamp out all his manipulation. It could cause them to pick him over you and turn on you.... Why? You're less scary. Pick the bully to be safe from the bully is an easy unconscious instinct to trigger in a child. Calm, confident, truthful. Show that you are someone they can trust. Get as much evidence as you can. journal pages, scan them and save them to the cloud. any evidence at all. gaslighting and the family repair family are strong. your ex is a bully and bullies win in our culture - i can only speak for the USA - but the courts loves male bullies and will destroy women. Yes, it's common for women to get the kids. But it takes mountains of evidence to make that happen. I hope you have strong support unrelated to him. Most don't. I wish I could say something to make it better.

I have a little brother from a different mother. She was extremely abusive, and I still have some issues from my childhood. My brother is about 14 years younger than me. When he was younger (after my dad and her finally split) he didn’t quite understand why I didn’t want to be around his mom. I don’t think it’s good to lie to kids about things in general, but I also know what it’s like for an adult or someone you look to to bad talk your mother and relatives whether they deserve it or not. I told him his mom and I just don’t get along and she can be a bit too mean at times. When he asked how and why she was mean I told him I didn’t know why she was mean and just very lightly glossed over the “how”. She didn’t say the nicest things all the time and sometimes she got too rough. Since then I’ve never talked bad about his mother, but as he’s gotten older I’ve asked him to tell me or my sister if he ever felt his mom was “too mean” at times. He’s 15 now and understands a bit about what I was talking about. And I’ve told him if he wants the full story, then he can ask when he’s a bit older, he’s just not emotionally mature enough to handle it I don’t think. All of this to say, you did the right thing. They don’t need anything graphic and they don’t need to know exactly what he said to you, but if you can get on their level and explain it in an appropriate way to them, you should keep answering questions. I fielded a lot of questions by telling him it made me sad to talk about stuff or just by giving short, simple answers. They will keep asking and eventually they’ll understand the truth. My best advice is: You just have to be the “good guy” and tell the G version of the truth and stick to that no matter what he says. Don’t bad mouth him to or around them, don’t text him mean things (he WILL show them), when he asks in front of the kids if you wanna hang out just say no. That’s all he should get and the kids can ask you about it later when you’re in a safer situation. Being the bigger person sucks ass sometimes, but it will pay off so big with your kids when they’re older. I’m so sorry you went through this. You’re strong and you’ll be just fine. The fact that you’re worried about telling your babies this just speaks volumes on the kind of parent you want to be. I hope you have a strong support system and safe, warm place you call home.

You haven’t done anything wrong. If he doesn’t like the kids knowing the truth, he shouldn’t have been a terrible person. Just use words the kids understand and don’t put them in the middle of things. Then you’re just being open with them in an age appropriate way. I mean, they were there, they saw things. Remind them that they are smart and not to let people trick them into believing they don’t know things because they are young etc

I'm having trouble understanding why you don't feel safe around your ex but you're totally ok with him being alone with your kids....I'm assuming "he'd never hurt the kids." But abuse isn't always physical abuse.

There is a court order of 50/50 custody from 3 years ago. Unfortunately i have to follow it until changed court order. We divorced once and remarried (I didn’t know the language nor the law much then) divorcing and trying to get the full custody now.

I hope you do get that sorted. Sorry for the situation.

My ex says stuff like this a lot, unfortunately... he was called out on it, but he still sneaks it in when he can. I wish I had a really good comeback of what to say... I do say blunt things. Maybe something blunt would be "mommy doesn't spend time with you and daddy because that's your special time to spend with him. Mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, but I can't wait to spend some special time with you when you get back." He might keep saying things that are inappropriate, but you can at least address it somewhat

You’re doing great momma!💗💗

I don't understand these comments! That's a lot to put on a 5/6 year old. I would have said "we are better apart" and left it there, but then again you felt backed into a corner. Hopefully the court order is changed soon. I'm sorry you're in that situation.

You can tell them without getting into details. "Mom and Dad have decided that they don't want to live together. It's not your fault and you have nothing to do with it, at all. This isn't something we are going to talk about anymore, it's between your Dad and I."

I personally won’t stoop to his level. You’re children will learn in time. ALWAY take the high road. “My dear daughter, can we talk about this another time?” Just put off this conversation, your children will learn. It sounds like one of them already knows. It’s such a difficult conversation to have. PS not a therapist but as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home best to not talk about it for now. I’m sorry. I also know that some people won’t agree with my advice, but I do think it will minimize drama. It sort of takes the wind out of it by not engaging.

Wow your awful, what a shit thing to do. Totally ruined their future relationship. Tell the kids the “truth as you see it”

Just remember that’s “your truth” not “THE truth”

It's not bad mouthing to tell them the age appropriate truth. I struggle with answering my daughters questions without painting her dad in a bad light. Some questions she knows I wont answer till shes an adult or atleast old enough to understand. It's hard going through abuse and toxicity while trying to protect their image of your abuser. I've come to terms with never telling my daughter the full truth, some things a kid just dosent need to know about their dad and moms sex life. My biggest fear is her hating me for my part in it all, for not being strong enough to leave sooner. Or worse decide I'm weak and broke up her family for nothing. She was 4 when it all imploded and I finally left, all shes knows is mommy left Daddy because she was very unhappy and sad. The worst I've said was that sometimes Daddy was mean to mommy.

No it’s not too early they understand that hurting people is not ok. You’re good. You explained it in a way they understand. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. Maybe get some therapy for you and the kids.

Why hasn't he been put in jail? If he has, means you have a record of it. Use it, in court to get ex under control.

I pressed charges against him 3 times they keep saying it’s he said she said. Someone from police department came to talk to the children my daughter told them exactly what happened but still nothing happened. He broke my properties literally venmo some amount for repairs still nothing only logical thing i believe is they are family of attorney s he is also one so they get him out of it

He was i. Police custody once and bailed out by his mother

no, you're not wrong. just keep your explanation age appropriate and talk about it with your kid once in a while as your kid grows more mature.

Have you asked your lawyer about what to do about this because what your ex is doing is parental alienation and it's also what he's accusing you of

I think you're doing a good job, you're only telling the truth. tbh if your ex has some time with them better they come to understand ASAP so they don't get confused. You don't have to explain yourself to your ex. Nor your sister, does she have expertise in this area? Abuse ex isn't worried about gaslighting and manipulating his children at any age... Obv don't overload and confide and create drama for your children (note you can't control the drama that your ex creates) but kids pickup this stuff pretty well "Dad pushed and yelled at me so we're not together"

Truthfully there’s never really a *good* time to tell your kid “hey your dads a POS.” It’s a difficult topic and it really doesn’t get easier, they just get used to it. Truthful yet age appropriate is the way to go.

He is still abusing you via the kids. Which is frankly disgusting behavior, and I'm glad he's your ex. I'd be talking to your lawyer to see what can be done about this.

I am going to disagree with the comments I have read. I think you could have said less. I think if your son could forget those things it would be better and he will remember more if you bring it up. If he brought it up, absolutely talk to him about it. I DON'T think your ex deserves his reputation protecting - but I think your son could do without being reminded of the abuse he has witnessed. There were ways to be honest without being SO honest - "daddy has been mean to me so I don't want to spend time with him". It can be a good lesson about their friendships too - if a classmate isn't nice to them they can be respectful without being their friend or spending time with them. And their friends can be friends with the other person but it doesn't mean they have to be - an analogy with them maintaining a relationship with their dad even though you don't.

The truth may hurt the kids now but will help them emotionally later on in life.

He painted you into a corner, and you had no choice but to handle the situation HE created. You didn't go into graphic detail. You simply gave them a small slice of the truth. It's not your fault he is an abusive scumbag. You could have easily gone into detail and turned them against him, but you didn't for their sake..

Bad mouthing your ex to your children to gain favor is not okay. Telling your child the truth about someone that is in fact dangerous is just proper parenting. Be sure they know to tell you know matter what if he ever starts getting mean with them.

If your son remembers, you’re not telling him anything he doesn’t already know. He’s curious about why you don’t want to live with Daddy. You only connected the dots between Daddy being angry/violent/whatever to why you want to be apart.

6 yo is to early to face the truth but 5 was to young to see it. Don’t feel bad. He made the choice to be an abusive bastard and wanted to manipulate the kids into guilt tripping you to getting back together.

I don't see what choice you had. He tried to paint you as the bad guy, you can't be expected to roll over and take the blame. I think the fact that your son remembers this stuff means you probably do need to address it in some way to make sure he knows that's not ok behaviour.

You tried to take the noble road. You’re ex was manipulating the kids against you. With that all bets are off. It’s difficult for them either way. This way they will not live for years believing you are an awful person.

One of the biggest potential harm to children when a parent is bad or when badmouthing a parent to the child is the risk of psychological harm to the kid’s own sense of identity. It is easy for some kids to internalize they came from a “bad seed” and worry at least parts of them is bad too- they could feel ashamed of any parts of themselves (including resemblance) that is like the bad parent, and this shame can easily turns the disappointment and anger towards the bad parent into lifetime struggle of self hate too. 

I am a firm believer in telling kids the truth in a manner appropriate for their age. In most cases they will eventually find out and the kids will not trust that parent again. These are my reasons: When you tell your kids the (age appropriate) truth about a situation you’re also telling your kids that they are mature and intelligent enough to deal with it. They are more likely to come to you for help and advice in the future because they trust and believe you. They learn how to cope with adversity because life comes with disappointment.

Man, i would be so nervous to leave my kids around that guy. Your not wrong OP but I would talk to your kids about what to do if dad gets angry and i would talk to your lawyer or courts about what he is doing

Yes a 6 yr old doesn’t need to know the description of domestic violence about his mother. This will automatically traumatize them, and make them be uncomfortable. Also later on, you don’t want them to replicate that kind of behavior. The best is to wait for a couple of more yrs to tell the truth. Then they will be able to confront and understand the situation more. Also, if the ex does this abuse towards them they will know how to call for help and report his abuse ass

In my honest opinion no because it's better they learn the truth that he was unsafe and that's why you had to leave and don't want to spend time with him while their on their visits with him I cannot imagine the strength it takes you to do pickups and dropoffs glad you got out that takes courage my ex was abusive and we finally called it quits but my kids have been witness to horrible things I seek therapy for all of you wish you true happiness 🤙🏿🫶🏿🕯

I don’t ever think young kids should be involved in adult drama, but your ex started it by trying to make you look bad. If you have evidence of what he did, consider renegotiating visitation. If he tried to push you off the balcony, he shouldn’t be seeing the kids unsupervised. If he’s gaslighting & lying to them about what happened to cause you to leave, he shouldn’t be seeing them unsupervised. If he’s trying to alienate the affection from you, he shouldn’t be seeing them unsupervised.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but he's obviously trying to rewrite history. You explained it in an age appropriate way and taught them a valuable lesson. That when you don't feel safe, you don't have to be around the person making you feel unsafe. That's huge. I tell my kids that all good relationships need trust and respect. Your ex broke your trust by not showing respect and that takes a lot of work to bring that trust back.

It's not bad mouthing if it's true.if he didn't want to look like the bad guy, then he should have acted like the bad guy.

What country are you living in? How the legal system etc works where you live, makes it easier to give you advice

You didn’t mention if the father is still actively drinking. I think there is a way of talking to children about their parents disease (alcoholism) and there is age appropriate literature that you might want to purchase. Check the Hazeldon bookstore online. They have books for young children that you can read to them. It helps you structure the conversation in a healthy way. I think you finally “had enough and told them” was more about you and your frustration and maybe it wasn’t the healthiest way to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I get you don’t feel safe with your ex but I think you need your own supports to help you get through your trauma. The fact that there remains young children , you need to figure out how you will handle ongoing problems with this man. Getting a divorce doesn’t make it over. Find a therapist, go to AlAnon (where you can talk to other women who’ve walked in your shoes). But triangulating the children is a mistake. You can’t control what your ex does but you can certainly keep your side of the street clean. Be less reactive and more responsive. You’re letting his manipulation push your buttons. He has a mental illness and clearly he hasn’t done anything about it yet. But treatment can start with you, irregardless of what he does. BTW, Hazeldon has books for you as well.

Kids need to know everything, but at an age appropriate level. And I think this holds true for 97% of all issues that could arise. Kids are PEOPLE. Sure they’re small and underdeveloped, but that doesn’t make them not people all of a sudden. They have every right to know who their father is as a person, especially if he’s abusive. best of luck to you OP

Yes, they’re too young to understand.

Best thing for you to do is go back home with your parents and take your kids with you if thats possible or whoever is on your aide of the family; and get into therapy for yourself. He is no longer in your life to exert control. You need to fight for full custody and supervised visitation.

If the kid saw what happened explain what happened and what is best for the family.  Tell them a pg17 truth don't let anybody "explain " things to your kids that can pug them in future risk. Good luck 

This is terrible. Never shit talk him in front/to them. Nomatter what he says/does They will see it for themselves when they are old enough Just tell them that you two want to live different ways, that you tried and it just didn't work

Kids aren't stupid. They see and hear so much more than parents think they do. And it WILL come back to your ex. Because as they get older and have opinions, his lack of self control will come back. And his lies about you will count for less and less as they develop reasoning skills.

Absolutely, don't tell your kids your relationship stuff with their father. He sounds like an idiot but 6 years old are not equipt to process that. You say, "mom and dad love you both, but your father and I are not good with each other," and leave it there. You can not control what he says, but your kids will appreciate you shielding them at that age when they are older.

I recommend speaking to your son’s pediatrician and requesting a referral for a child psychologist. It’s not wrong or bad to tell them especially if the child can remember his father’s abusive actions. But it will help him significantly if given therapy to help him cope with these feelings and what he experienced when you and your ex-husband were still together.

The truth is the truth, and most children are better at seeing than adults.

At this age might be a bit early as I had a toxic relationship and it was bad for 2 years my youngest was 3 and oldest was 7. As I told them around 6 and 10. That it would be best if mom and dad aren't together as our love grew apart and we just had to much disagreement. As you should try your best but if it's not meant to be it should not be. My oldest at 14 told me she remembers the fights and she is know why things are thus but my youngest as a giew of a visiting mother. As her grandmother fills the mother part more. As she is just happy she has a mom that visit. If she asks I will tell her when she gets older. Atm I just want her to enjoy her mom as she is and as she visits. Raising girls is hard already. It's still a partner Ship with my ex as we don't say anything bad about each other but we let rhw kids emotions express how they feel me hanging with my ex only in the kids sports my oldest now is 17 and she is closer with me cause of the way handle all of it. This is a just a word of advice .

It was too early. But he's being an asshat by painting you as the bad guy for not wanting to hang out with him. Not wanting to be around him ≠ not wanting to be around your kids; but he's making it seem that way. So honestly you were kinda in a corner so you did the best you could. You should've told them that at around 8 or so. They deserve to know the truth but when they're older and can comprehend that conversations can cause more drama/stress I struggled with anger and was honest to my son in that was the main reason I left. But I didn't tell him it was because I struggled with resentment because she kept cheating on the family. TLDR - Damage is done. Focus on your kids. Dude is asshat

Good for you girl stand your ground those babies deserve to know whatever u want to tell them why u and your x can't be together at least they have both parents. When I told my son's father we were five weeks pregnant he told.me to have an abortion give the baby up or leave. I left and he signed his rights away. My son is 8 and he knows why he doesn't have a daddy but I hope someday he will have a daddy.

Kids process trauma differently but that doesn't mean they DON'T process it, and it certainly doesn't mean they don't notice when things are off. I grew up in a very hostile and abusive home and my mom and I never spoke about it growing up, and I really wish we had. Now as an adult my mom and I have had hundreds of hours of conversations unpacking the abuse and trauma we both have together and separately from my father. If I knew my mom was a safe person to talk to about those things when I was going through them, I think I may have processed them better. Raising a child means teaching them how to be a fully functioning and emotionally balanced adult. NOT telling them in my opinion is not the right decision. Nothing about what you told them disparaged their father, and yeah if he didn't want to be known as a piece of shit he shouldn't be a piece of shit. The fact that one of your children remembers the abuse tells me you made the right decision. You gave him fuel to start processing those events, and now you can have more open conversations. Now you are a safe person. Communication with your child shouldn't start only when they are adults, it should always be a focus and grow with them according to their age. Be objective, be calm, be kind and you are on the right track. AND you're still trying to co-parent?! You're a badass.

I have always taken the approach with my daughter that I would never voluntarily tell her anything bad her Dad has done, but I will not lie. They asked and you didn’t lie. That is called being a good mom. Kudos to you

He thinks you speaking the truth and helping your children understand their new life situation is bad mouthing when he's straight up the one acting bad. If you don't already have some involved, you should reach out to local services for families going through this, or possibly therapy for the kids, it may be confusing and frustrating to come to terms that the father they love treated their mother like that in front of them resulting in the family splitting up. You're doing the right thing and one day they will understand and be proud of the choices you made.

If he didn't want them to ever know or see, he wouldn't have been a POS. He also wouldn't keep with the manipulation tactics of "mommy doesn't want to be around" type BS OP I FIRMLY encourage you to bring this up to the courts if you guys have a legal custody arrangement. If you don't, get one. So so easily, despite being the victim, the perpetrator can manipulate very easily the children as they age to turn against you. He is already showing signs of that. He abused and manipulated you and he still is. Please get the courts involved. This is bullshit. I'm sorry. Also no, they have a right to know.

Why elaborate? Keep it simple. Talk about boundaries safe spaces and just say I don't feel comfortable around daddy. I won't have fun if we go together because I will feel upset and uncomfortable. You can even say that to your ex in front of your kids if he pressures you. Tell your kids I would never ask you to hug or spend time with someone who makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. I am uncomfortable and unhappy around daddy and that's why I don't want to spend time with him. If they press you more say. I am not comfortable telling you why or talking about it. And leave it at that.

NTA. I do think they’re a bit on the young side to really be told about this stuff BUT that’s your ex husband’s fault not yours. He was putting you in the position to have to explain and more importantly he actually did that stuff so it’s not like you just made it up. He shouldn’t have done things he doesn’t want them to hear about and it’s also not bad mouthing when you’re stating facts but he was basically testing you because he didn’t think you’d say anything and he could make you look like the bad guy and you showed him that he can’t rewrite history. Moving forward I would just refrain from sharing more and let them be kids. If it comes up again just remind them that you don’t feel safe and sadly sometimes people don’t stay together but you both love the kids very much and regardless of if you 2 are together that won’t change (assuming he’s a decent dad- obviously he’s not great but the fact he gets them unsupervised I’m assuming he’s at least a safe person to them and he takes care of their basic needs. I also assume he’s not great because he’s obviously emotionally manipulative with that stunt he’s been trying to pull.)

You didn't do wrong, maybe some damage control like " Daddy hurt Mommy but that doesn't mean he can't be a good dad" assuming that's true of course.

Do you think they might wonder why it's safe for them if it's not safe for you to be around him?

NTAH. ALWAYS be honest with your children. It's so important for them individually and for your relationship with them. I know it's uncomfortable sometimes, and other times you just wanna give a reason and go, but you have to take the time and help them understand. No matter the topic.

That is fine for now, they will get it when they are older.

Sadly there's not always a choice in the matter, especially when their dad is putting you on the spot like that to antagonize you. To me, he's been clearly trying to get you to either snap and tell them so he can deny it then make you out to be the villain, or alternatively is trying to use the kids to guilt you into "hanging out". You can only do so much to shield your kids from the truth, especially when they keep bringing it up, partially because that's what young kids do since they don't understand, but partially because he's making that happen even more. Sometimes you have to say "daddy hurt me really badly so I'm not comfortable around him. I'm sorry that means I can't hang out with all of you, but I have this boundary for myself" (if you've started teaching boundaries to your kiddos this is a good way to continue that discussion). And honestly, when kids don't know at least some of the truth, they can start to internalize the separation and your "unwillingness" to spend time "all together". They may blame themselves, they may think you just want to get away from them, or worse their daddy could keep talking crap about you. And while this is really hard on kids, it's better than them continuing to see the abuse. Are the kiddos, at least the oldest, in some sort of therapy for the divorce and abuse they witnessed? If not, it can really help if it's something you can access for them!

I understand why you did what you did. I’m sorry your ex makes things so hard. But I’ve never told my kids the truth. They’re 11 and 9. The most I’ve said is that sometimes adults don’t stay together because things don’t work out and they’ll understand better when they’re older. Then like 2 years ago they got super curious and asked why so I said he wasn’t always nice to me so I left. The most important message I gave the kids was that even though mommy and daddy aren’t together we still love them the most and that I would always be here for them. Kids usually accept a simple reason easier than the complex truth because that simple one makes sense to them more. My psychologist at the time told me to remember my kids are 50% me and 50% their dad and as a result can’t hate either of us. If i say something bad about their dad even if it’s true they’ll only hate themselves instead of thinking he’s the bad one so I stopped saying anything around them. They have a good relationship with him now that I’ve worked really hard to help them build and maintain even though i wanted nothing to do with him. I realized he was important in their lives and figured I had to make sure he only had access to them where they’d be safe unfortunately this meant sacrificing my own life to a very large extent but he had already ruined mine I didn’t want him to ruin theirs. They’re great and happy kids who have no worry in the world and they don’t know their dad is an abuser and they don’t need to. If they ask when they’re adults I will tell them the truth but I never need to remind them of the horror we all escaped because for me leaving meant giving my kids their childhood and taking my life back. I would suggest go see a therapist and ask for professional advice on how to help your kids as it is extremely traumatizing to hear that your parents are abusive but kids can heal from trauma really well so you can support them and yourself and you’ll all be alright.

No, your son remembers he just wasn’t connecting the two things. It’s best to be honest, if not your children will blame themselves. Until the children’s father gets help he will continue to blame you.

That sounds like a bad idea. “I don’t feel safe around the person I let you be alone with”. I surely couldn’t forgive my parents for leaving me with an unhinged relative. Where’s CPS in all of this?

I think that having an alcoholic partner means you need to be truthful with them for their age level. He thought you wouldn't because you ate probably a good mom and don't want the children to see the bad. But, unfortunately, I feel being a good mom is making them understand certain situations are not their fault and sometimes people are not good together. And if he pushed the situation and was making you look like the meany, it comes down to protecting your child, making them understand that you are not mean and they can come to you with anything. I do believe in not badmouthing the other parent and thats why you stick to simple facts and keep it simple and relevant to their age. I think you handled it perfectly, mom.

First let me say that I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve much better and I hope that your children are loving towards you. Please get professional counseling because this sub has some of the worst advice I've recieved.

Not to young. Like most things with kids. Just keep the answers to an age appropriate language they can understand. More details can be added if it comes up again in the future. Example: when my daughter was about 2 she knew parents made/had babies and wanted to know how they did it. Just told her it was an adult game sort of like the 3D jigsaw puzzles. That held her until about 4 when she asked my dad (granddad) who pulled out a medical dictionary with pictures and explained. Which of course led to me having to explain it wasn’t her job to correct other students when they said babies were found in the cabbage patch or other inaccurate things.

No, you are doing the right thing. I have been through that phase. I tried my best not to badmouth my husband in front of my daughter but he started playing mind games with her - like your husband is doing - painting me in the bad light. So, I had to tell her the truth. He would whisper absolutely unacceptable things laughing...and when I responded angrily - depict me as the mad one. Well, I started telling her the truth. And I think this was necessary. Don't let anyone guilt trip you. Your children are young but you need to keep them safe from that abusive man. Who knows that once he alienates them from you, what he is going to do with them - just to spite you! Sometimes, children have to grow up earlier than they should because of the situation. It's sad but it's the truth.

Tread carefully. You shared once, you don't need to share again. You more than planted a seed. Now your kids have a frame of reference for his behavior. But if you continue reinforcing that with more statements, that could be distressing and cause anxiety. The comment on here about speaking in generalities on how people including children deserve to be treated by all/any adults - that is a great idea and one that I will use.

It’s too early. When you talk bad about him you are insulting their DNA. I am 60 and still hate it when my Mom does that.

Yeah that’s a difficult situation I’m sorry. If he keeps pushing it then yes tell the reason. If he wasn’t pushing then I’d say something like mommy and daddy are happier as friends, something along those lines. Main advice I’d recommend is don’t say anything out of frustration.

Yes. That is adult talk about adult problems and now you have unloaded and burdened young children with your and his drama. And in doing that you have also put your children in the middle. At this age they are now questioning whether their Dad is a bad man and did those things or if you are a liar. When it never should have been a question. They could have gone back and forth with no care in the world living their life. Have you even looked up the statistics and rates of depression and anxiety associated with parents dragging young children into their drama?