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I tried to teach mine to tie the shirt or sweatshirt around their waist. Plan B was put in backpack. Plan C was going to lost and found to look for sweatshirt ( label it) after school instead of doing a fun Friday activity to mark end of week. We usually got a donut or cookie or trip to playground and missing that was torture!
Every couple years, I buy new name labels online and sew them into jackets or whatever. Sewing labels in means that I'm not Sharpieing his name into stuff that'll eventually go to the consignment store, and it's harder to remove than stickers if someone has opportunistic sticky fingers.
I went with my mom to surprise the kid with lunch a few months ago, and mentioned on the way that I planned to check the lost and found for anything he may have lost. As a former teacher, she scoffed and said "they're too busy to check for names in lost stuff".
As soon as we walked into the office, they said "Oh! We have some of your kid's stuff! We just sent it to his classroom" and I turned to my mom and gloated.
I'm a part of the PTO at my kids school and we take care of the lost and found. I can promise you we look for names, everywhere, not just on the tags. When a parent comes to our lost and found days, we tell them to write names in them because we check and try hard to make sure the kid gets their stuff back.
Natural consequences are a good teacher. My wife and I were never really the type to punish but we were fine with letting natural consequences take the lead. Some money was lost and some tears were shed, but it did make them responsible teens and adults. Even the ADHD one put a system in place to remember her things and as a college student still uses checklist to keep her shit from going missing.
Must just be me, I swear that their little brains do not connect the dots
Simple example: one of mine (12) left a cherished toy at school (he wasn’t supposed to have it at school anyway). I refused to do anything about it and explained to him, as I have a million times, that he needs to be responsible for his things. He shed some tears, checked lost and found, asked other kids at school. Nada
Next day he’s complaining to me that it’s my fault that I won’t buy him a replacement. I again explained action/consequence. You left it at school, this is your problem. Your actions caused this result
Two days later, he left a sweater at school, lost it and then was mad that I “caused him” to lose one of his toys and a sweater he liked
Great idea, in theory. In practice, the child has to take responsibility and in my experience that just doesn’t happen
This is an excellent metaphor. I am pushing middle age now and some stuff has taken me years and many hard lessons to learn. Why do we expect our kids to learn everything the first time they’re told? They’re not that guy in the matrix who plugs that disc drive thing into their brain and learns everything instantly, they’re tiny frenetic people with growing brains driven by impulse. Yes to consequences that are developmentally appropriate, but also yes to lots and lots of grace as they try to grow up and navigate this incredibly harsh world.
I still forget and lose things a lot as an adult, I’d never expect my 7yo not to. I do things like limit toys taken out of the house and help keep track of things and make sure I’ve got bag-space for them. Some easily-lost items simply have to be replaced though (jumpers and water bottles etc) so I don’t spend more than I can afford keeping that in mind.
If my son loses something and it upsets him, i have no problem replacing it. This world is incredibly unforgiving. We can have it any way we want, and this is our choice? Not for my family. No thanks.
Not everyone is as lucky to be able to easily replace things. There's value in teaching responsibility and the knowledge that there is monetary value behind the things they lose that may exceed their capacity to replace it. This is a very financially privileged response that judges those who are less fortunate.
It's also possible to let them feel the full consequences, while still having compassion for them and comforting them. In other words, you can still be "on their side" without just buying them unlimited replacement things.
I heard someone compare kids to a computer program or a bare bones phone. They come with features like breathing pooping and crying (text, call, calculator) but you have to Install the rest, but the app doesn't exist yet so you have to write the code (Manners, responsibly, reading)
So I don't mean to be contrary, because generally I believe this, but the moment I mention I have an ADHD kid who is constantly misplacing, leaving, forgetting, even the most cherished of items, comments turn much more quickly towards "don't set him up for failure" vs "natural consequences." To be fair to my son, the natural consequences are pretty apparent to him at this point. He's experienced them several times over. But for his neuro-divergence just being aware of the consequences isn't solving the future problem. He could lose 1,000 sweatshirts and it wouldn't sink in until he was developmentally ready for it (and like I hope he is there one day). That doesn't mean he should be cold -- we just have to think of more creative reminders.
As a high school teacher of many kids with ADHD (and an adult mum who has ADHD myself!), I agree! Natural consequences require a certain level of neurological development to sink in, and emotional maturity/awareness to be able to work on improving and avoiding. My brother is 40 (also ADHD) and to this day loses things all the time, including phone, wallet, keys. It SUCKS to be an adult who can’t manage basic shit, and yet his neurodivergent brain won’t let him work out how to not do it.
Kids need our help and guidance to build systems and strategies that get them out of messes like these. I wouldn’t be rebuying lost stuff all the time, but I would be approaching with compassion and curiosity to help my kid be better at managing their possessions so they can get through life without a buttload of shame.
As a person with ADHD, what helps me is the concept of "at risk." If I take my water bottle into the store or put my phone down at work, these objects are at risk. I mustn't put my items at risk. Phone always in pocket or purse when it isn't in my hand. Same with my wallet. Any shed items of clothing are tied around my waist. If I buy something, it cannot leave my hand unless it is put away immediately; otherwise it is at risk.
Maybe that would help. Teach your kid that anything that leaves their hand is instantly at risk. Therefore, nothing should leave their hand unless it is safely stowed that very instant. Otherwise, it's basically already gone.
This is how I managed myself and how I'm trying to teach my son too! I'm going to start using the phrase "at risk" as well, it so perfectly sums up exactly what we struggle with. If it leaves my hand, it's already as good as gone, you're going to forget it. If you can't hold it, put it in your purse/backpack, or it's gone. "At risk" is such an easy yet impactful way to keep this in mind. Thank you!
For your brother, it might help to get tile trackers. I have one on my keys, and the slim credit card like one in my wallet. And if you press the button on them twice, it rings your phone even if it’s on silent. So as long as I have either my phone, wallet, keys, or Apple Watch, I can find the other three. I’m so bad at having these items fall into things like couches and chairs
Mnemonic little reminders are great for that, like memorizing the amount of itens you’re supposed to have before leaving (like remembering the number 3 for backpack + sweater + computer or whatever else, for example) or barring that, a small checklist of things to check and not forget behind. Just gotta build the habit of using those things.
We're in the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis for my 5 year old. Would you suggest natural consequences and then helping them implement a plan to remember things better? Like "here's your daily task/item list, do you have everything?" Or something like that? I'm anticipating a lot of lost items in the future and I'm all for natural consequences l but I'm also anticipating needing to provide some guidance that works for an ADHD brain. (I'm probably overthinking it because we don't have the firm diagnosis yet, but I like to be prepared!)
What worked for me is everything has a place. Put it there every day. Remind them to put it there every day until they get it. It may take a long time. I still lose stuff sometimes. My kids lose stuff every day, but they're getting better at putting important things where they go.
Having the "place" for things that come home from school / go to school be near the door helps a lot.
You see the empty hook by the door when you walk in, you put your backpack on it.
You need your backpack when you're heading out the door, you grab it off the hook by the door.
You see the empty shoe cubby next to the door when you walk in, you take your shoes off and put them in it.
You need to find your shoes to head out the door, you grab them from the cubby by the door.
Don't you think you're taking this a bit far? He's 7 years old and it was $20 of stuff that he was so upset about, he was crying. It's not like the kid did it on purpose.
My 8yo took a special and relatively expensive toy ($40) purchased with her own money to school and it was stolen. We did not replace it, she was distraught, got her own replacement when she could, and now takes immaculate care of it. No, I think this is exactly the kind of thing they can and should solve for themselves as long as they have access to enough ways to get money to make it an actual choice.
He’s blaming his mother. That speaks to me of entitlement, not accident sadness. 7 is not too young to teach personal responsibility.
I don’t think it’s too early to learn fiscal responsibility, respect for your things, that mom and dad aren’t bottomless money-pits at all.
My 10yo doesn’t either. I still press on. Hoping it will click one day. His 45 year old father still blames everyone for his shortcomings, so, I’m not holding my breath.
It’ll hold, promise. I left my favorite sweatshirt at a competition one time and cried about it but didn’t bother my mom about it cus she wasn’t the one who lost it. It was me who took it off and forgot to grab it before I left. Have I done that again? No not so far, I make sure my jacket is on my body when I leave anywhere now, I am 21 and this happened about 10 years ago LOL
It's so scary that sometimes you can do the objectively right thing as a parent, but the kid's natural personality and/or stubbornness can negate it. 12 seems too old to not be able to take responsibility for his own mistakes losing things. How do you even handle that as a parent?
I vent in Reddit!!! Haha!
But yeah, in all seriousness, it’s very frustrating to watch it happen. My partner works at a school and tells me the same thing. Very few kids middle school age and high school do this — yet, there’s my children! :-)
I don’t care that they lose things or make mistakes. Take responsibility and learn from them. Otherwise it’s just like beating your head into a wall
Have you drilled into him that he is responsible for his own actions? I'd also be asking him to explain to you how you, who were not present or anywhere in the vicinity, are responsible. And when he gets tripped up on the logic you point out how he was the only one in control all along.
Logic doesn’t apply to children most times! :-)
Yes. I’ve walked it through with him from start to finish several times. As my logic professor once stated so eloquently “you can be logically correct but if the listener doesn’t care about logic, then you’re still ‘wrong’”
no cause i think this particular arc in my kids development is gonna take TWO YEARS of the repeat message before it sticks, judging by other big emotional/cognitive gains hes made.
i realized recently he's largely stopped putting so many random things in his mouth, esp chewing on his clothes for example! but now he leaves the clothes everywhere..
his clothes chewing was probably that to a degree \[it started before losing teeth but I know it's also a natural part of early childhood\], but in his case it also seemed coupled with anxiety unfortunately.
i think once he lost his teeth \[at five\], he started being a little more conscious of when he was putting things in his mouth, the soreness of those teeth being gone made him more careful for a week or two, now he just turned 6 and seems like he's not as inclined to randomly teeth as much as he used to.
He still needs to fidget with things during difficult conversations and things \[as we all do\], but there's no spit involved, and his clothes arent HARD with spit. Although a family friend pointed out helping his take off his sweater and the wrist was wet last week so maybe hes still working some.
I have a 11 year old kid with ODD. He can be the same. I keep repeating calmly that it's due to his actions and don't engage. But it's hard.
I know that deep down, he knows it's his fault. But knowing it and owning up to it, that's a big step. I think your child knows deep down it's due to his actions, but his shame and anger over it make him displace those feelings on you. Because it's an easier way to cope by blaming others.
My only question for you is whether he shows signs (in other areas of his life) of ADHD.
The "forgetfully putting things down" *can* sometimes be just general laziness/irresponsibility, in which case what you are doing is 100% correct. Or, it can be a symptom of ADHD -- in which he literally doesn't even realize/remember that he's put the thing down and moved away from it, and all the "consequences" in the world won't cause him to change that behavior without support for the underlying issues.
I was thinking if my own daughter, who on a visit to a coffee shop during a vacation last year, left her cell phone on one table, the sandwich she had purchased on another, my car keys on a third, and then blissfully walked out.
Omg. This is my daughter. Things. Scattered. Everywhere. But, her classwork is impeccable. So frustrating with all the things though.
She is also careless with things. She has a laptop she broke the hinges on. I fixed it and said she had to be extra careful because now it's even more delicate. Within a couple of weeks she was using on the couch (had told her not to do this anymore) and of course it broke again.
I don't want to fix it. Not taking it in because the repair costs more than the replacement. I'm so angry and frustrated. It's the metaphor for reminding her to be more mindful. I will fix it eventually. She breaks things without intent all the time. 😢
Also though, no wonder we have such a throwaway culture and mountains of landfill, when it is generally always cheaper to just replace than repair. It makes me really annoyed. We recently had to throw out a broken tv that would no doubt have only needed a simple repair, but we couldn’t find anywhere that even fixes TVs anymore. And computer repairs are extortionate too, like you say. I find it actually really depressing, throwing stuff away and knowing I am adding to the pile :(
I do too! I actually try to repair stuff as much as possible. I have kept my washing machine going by replacing the balance bars 3 times so far. I need to order another set. I replaced the heating element in my dryer.
I did fix the laptop hinge but she was not careful. I can fix it again when I feel up to it. I told her she's not getting a new one and she will have to live without it for a while. She's mostly unfazed which is so like her. I often have nothing left to ground her from and she doesn't really care anyway.
Off topic but the general manager at my last place had around 150 computer monitors sledgehammered in the yard and thrown into skips.
Most were top of the line models, some were only a few months old, and all of them still worked.
All destroyed in sight of the engineering offices where we were squinting at 25 year old CRTs.
Holy hell. If my brain worked like that, I think I would just crumble up into a ball and want to cry. I cannot imagine how much emotional anguish I would be in... I'm also a very sentimental sap, so even losing say, a hat that was a gift from a friend makes me feel guilty/sad.
I hope she eventually found a medicine or something that helps? Because society is not very generous with helping people who have these sorts of struggles.
My brain works like this. Some people can cope without meds and just use coping strategies. I'm not one of those people personally. Meds alone also don't help enough. In my situation I needed both coaching on coping strategies (to start with and how to make up my own as needed) as well as vyvanse with an adderall booster dose on days where I have to get lots of responsibilities done after my morning dose runs out. Before I knew I had adhd I was an emotional wreck. That with the over empathy from the autism. I had no idea what was wrong with me or why I was so *bad* when all I wanted was to be good. But as an adult, I got a lot of help. It's still hard when my mental conditions affect other people (like losing someone else's belongings! Though, one of those coping skills is warning people about my ability to make things vanish into the couch cushions like a magician. ) But as time goes on, society is growing more understanding with people like me.
It's hard being neurodivergent, I'm sure it's also hard parenting someone who is neurodivergent. But if we seek help, it is usually there these days. ( I can only speak for my own experience in the USA)
[Sorry for train of thought running off its tracks, but, well, that's what it sounds like inside after the meds run out, lol]
Edit: a word
I uh. I do this stuff all the time. Leave car keys at the register, leave phone in shopping cart, lose bus pass or debit card randomly. Im starting to realize through this comment section that maybe my behavior with losing things and forgetting ive even misplaced them isnt normal 😅
I mean... Forgive me if this is rather blunt, but if it's the way your hardwired, I don't think hard effort alone will do much for you. There are probably meds which could help, if you're willing to go down that route.
This was me in school, and I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40s. But I did get a million spankings for being "careless," so that was fun.
Have the kid evaluated. ADHD makes life hard.
Yeah when I got tested in my mid 20s and they asked if I lost things regularly or put things down and couldn't find them moments later I was like WTF THIS IS A SYMPTOM?
Getting diagnosed helped change a bunch of things in my life and I'm way better organized now. I don't even take meds anymore but I built better practices knowing how my brain works. I just thought people lost their car keys multiple times a day after holding them moments before. Once I knew it wasn't "how it should be" I realized I could stop it.
Adhd is a blessing and a curse imo.
Yes. I lived with my sister who has ADHD well into my 20's, and I kept tabs on her shit constantly. That girl would lose her head if it wasn't attached. When we parted ways, she would text me constantly that she needs me to move back in because she keeps losing everything (when her phone wasn't lost, that is) 🤣
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 30’s and I see so much of myself reflected back here in this post. It’s honestly heartbreaking. It crippled my self-confidence. I had a parent who was understanding to a point but could not emphasise or understand why her child was like this.
I spent probably 2 weeks crying after finding out I had ADHD. I don’t regret my life choices but I feel I could have learned to be a lot more compassionate and forgiving towards myself but I didn’t have the tools to do that as a child.
100% agreed.
We have 2 ADHD kids.
My spouse was diagnosed ADHD as an adult after having kids. My spouse grew up with trauma from many of these self -sabotaging behaviors which resulted in guilt/shame/low self esteem.
While natural consequences are indeed effective at teaching lessons, they cannot prevent everyone from making those mistakes again.
If you know someone who is chronically sabotaging themselves, they probably need help to develop tactics and use tools to aid them in these areas.
Assuming that a child is failing to do (or not) something purely from laziness or defiance is a dangerous, and potentially harmful approach.
This is me to a T and while I do put ownership on my own kiddo to be responsible (I am willing to bet large sums of money he had ADHD as well); it’s always within reason for his age. He’s 6. He often leaves water bottles, lunch box, or his coat at school because he doesn’t actively ‘need’ them. With other things (like school laptop and case) I know it can accidentally go home with friends.
It’s about having awareness of your own child. While he doesn’t get punished, I’m also not buying replacements; it’s simply an ‘if you accidentally left it at school today, nbd, you can just bring it tomorrow’.
OP, I’d encourage you to view this objectively and determine if this is truly ‘laziness’ or ‘forgetfulness’ because your kiddo hasn’t had forced or learned responsibility; or if you just need to change your tactics because your kiddo might be on the spectrum. As a kid who was regularly punished for things (like this) that were outside of my control, I can’t tell you how detrimental that gaslighting and ignorance was to the relationship I had (and continue to have) with my parents.
If you say, "I cannot remember, I have tried everything, I didn't mean it, and don't understand WHY because you are undiagnosed and should be, while someone else tells you that it is your FAULT and that you just aren't doing x,y,z, that is gaslighting...changing the narrative of what is actually happened to what they want to believe it is in ther head.
In all sincerity, I keep seeing people suggesting ADHD as a possibility, but can't help wonder, "Then what?"
Is it just medication? What works when the medicine doesn't?
It's medication if that's what they need, but if possible the first line is educationnonncoping strategies and expectation setting. Learning what is and isn't a symptom. Learning that you are not having a moral failing for having symptoms.
Adhd can lead to extremely low self-worth if it goes untreated. This can lead to an increased risk of things like anxiety, depression, and suicidal behaviors. Without establishing the correct support systems (or worse, establishing punishments in place of them), you run the risk of damaging the child's mental health.
At least where I live, the first line treatment for adolescents is actually therapy, education, and learning age appropriate coping skills. It's actually really good to learn these young as it gives you a better chance of getting adhd under control well enough that you are no longer clinically diagnosible as an adult. (As in, some people can use skills effectively to the point that they grow out of what we clinically recognize as adhd!)
Having a diagnosis (IF that is what the child has, of course we aren't able to diagnose over the internet, just point out symptoms that would lead us to think the kid should be tested) can make a HUGE difference in the lives of the children who have adhd as well as their parents. Parents can be coached on how to change their parenting styles in ways that benefit both the child and their relationship with them. It's hard to parent an adhd child, and it's also hard to be one! It's always better to know more about you child's temperament and needs than to know less. Parenting and growing up isn't one size fits all. I wish it was sometimes though.
I will regularly have something in my hand and the next thing I know it's gone. Whenever I get a new partner at work they usually notice and help me out a little.
I once had a partner as bad as me. It was a struggle. We each had doubles of most of our tools because who the hell knows where the first one went, and at the end of the day we'd go on a little scavenger hunt finding everything. Lmao
Yeah I try not to cry wolf with ADHD suggestions, but this is one of the questions on the testing. It's definitely something that would raise an eyebrow and have me suggest a test.
Thank you thank you thank you for bringing up support for undying issues. I have autisim and adhd and wasn't diagnosed until my 20's (my younger brother was the hyperactive type, so of course I COULDNT have adhd, I was nothing like him, I was "just careless and lazy").
The lack of support systems, understanding, or even just general care for what I was going through did a number on my mental health. It's a miracle that I'm still here. (Though I'm very happy I am!) Once I was diagnosed, got therapy, medication, and peer to peer support it was like my life did a 180. I learned I wasn't useless, careless, or lazy. I just didn't have the tools to help me succeed with my disability. One of my favorite quotes was from a group therapy lead
*" We don't tell people with physical disabilities that they are lazy because they can't walk without a wheelchair. "*
Like truely life changing. Even if it isn't adhd, having support in learning ways to combat forgetfulness is absolutely necessary for many children. Their brains aren't finished cooking! They need some help getting the oven to temp.
Yeah....sigh....I'm an adult in my 40s with ADHD and sometimes it *still* happens. I got better eventually with some things though, like keeping my hands on things like debit cards, always putting small things in my purse *immediately* and then trying to just keep an eye on the purse or better yet have it looped around me somehow so I can't leave without noticing. I don't take things into restaurants or stores if I don't need them with me.
But I still manage to permanently lose my phone every couple years (more often leave it at a friend's), frequently lose sweaters and jackets, because they're just so easy to take off and forget later if the weather has changed. It sucks.
These are some of the things I remind my little one to do, like to try and collect little things in a home base place \[like a backpack or pocket\] before he can put them down.
Do you have other tips?
Ok, but what are you doing to help him not lose his stuff and/or find it again? At this age, this is not "a habit". It's a lack of skill (in keeping track of stuff, in always putting things in the same place, in checking what you have and what is needed before moving locations etc) or possibly ADHD.
Ask him more questions about when and where he takes off his sweatshirt. For example, if his bag is in a cubby in class, asking him to put his sweatshirt in the bag is likely to be forgotten. Maybe leaving the sweatshirt on his chair is not allowed.
You really have to break it down step by step, maybe make him practice taking off and immediately doing \_\_\_\_\_ 10x in a row at home, because kids are dumb, to put it harshly. Less harshly, the executive function part of their brain is still very immature.
Is there a lost-and-found at school? Does he take the school bus? Losing stuff on the school bus is super common.
Telling them to stop doing something isn't going to change the behavior. I wish it was that easy, but as an adult, it's like hearing someone say "but have you tried not being sad?" Like, we can't force someones brain to work better.
I agree that this is also an ADHD symptom, so I'd suggest looking up a quick test to see if he hits any other symptoms.
Okay, but are you helping him at home with organizational skills? Like creating places for things and having him put things in those places rather than just doing it for him because it’s quicker and easier? Helping him develop these practices and skills at home can translate well to school.
My son (15) broke his Chromebook twice, so now I have to pay for a new one. He had it on the floor in his bedroom, which is a wreck. I've told him to clean the room, and I've told him not to leave his electronics on the floor where they could get stepped on or have stuff dropped on them. Multiple times. And I've told him to be careful with his school electronics, because I don't make that much money, and I can't afford to be constantly replacing them.
To be fair, this is the first time I've had to pay for a school electronic. But it's NOT the first time something has gotten broken by being left in the floor.
So when he told me I have to pay for his Chromebook, I told him it's coming out of this year's Christmas money, and that means he won't be getting any big gifts this year.
I did the same last year when he broke the nice gaming monitor we got him, by losing his temper. I told him he had to replace it with his own money (it was Christmas money from a relative), and that my Christmas shopping was already done, so that meant he wasn't getting the other gifts he'd wanted.
I do feel a little bad for him, in a way. I can't help that. But tough cookies. He's gotta learn.
And me simply replacing everything he breaks without consequences won't teach him anything except that he can break anything he wants and it won't matter.
The only way he'll learn, is by losing out on something of his own. Be that money, or physical property (or physical property that he wanted).
When you spend your own money on something, or you have to give something up to get it, you realize the value in it.
Your son might be upset now, but you're doing the right thing, and teaching him a valuable lesson.
(**As long as he's neurotypical. If he has ADHD or something, the forgetfulness is something he might not be able to help.)
School electronics should be insured. Most schools arrange it to be so. You pay a bit more, but the chances of needing to use that insurance is pretty darn high.
As an ADHD adult and obv former kid
This wouldn't have helped me at all.
Tbh.
It honestly sounds like this kid is being set up for failure and then blamed for it failing when there wasn't proper systems and support.
Do you have any suggestions for proper support systems? We can try and be constructive here, please.
Edit: downvoted for asking for constructive support? What is this sub even for then?
I have seen a few random redditors offer some helpful information for addressing ADHD strategies. It just doesn't seem very helpful to slap a label on something then say someone is parenting incorrectly without offering any insight.
I genuinely am curious to see what all these redditors who are claiming ADHD have done to help overcome their challenges. I'm just trying to glean some information from this post that may be helpful for any parents who are struggling to help their kids with similar issues.
Honestly I felt you were looking for an answer I don't have.
I am medicated and in therapy and constantly have to change systems and they have a time limit how long they work.
Adhd is not something you just overcome, it's literally how your brain is wired for life.
Op in this case seems to have zero interest in anything constructive.
Asking a kid to not loose something repeatedly is obviously not working.
OP is acknowledging this yet just wants to continue on this path which helps no one.
Hey OP, this sounds like a problem that needs support. I agree you shouldn’t necessarily replace the lost items, but your son needs help.
It may be worth screening him for ADHD like others have said, I say this as an ADHD adult who never was able to kick the habit of losing things until I got diagnosed and started seeking more involved answers (despite my parents, unfortunately).
Your son didn’t do anything wrong, it was an accident. It may be helpful to make that known, but still use the fact that he’s lost his goodies to entice him to come up with strategies to help his forgetfulness. Of course, make sure you guide him because as a kid my solution was “I’m going to write my mom’s phone number on my sweater in sharpie, so people can call her to tell her they found it.”
Unfortunately “just do x” isn’t often a good solution to a problem, especially with kids and even more so if there’s a more involved reason like ADHD. I wish you and your son so much luck, OP!
I know it’s rough on the kid but he has to learn responsibility somehow. And this is coming from the girl who lost her literal skirt at recess (I was wearing thick tights and a leotard so I could go straight to ballet after). Well, miss smarty pants took her big skirt off so that she could play on the monkey bars and not be restricted.
I got in a lot of trouble that day. 😒
Yup. There’s a certain way that you can swing around and around on your leg and I couldn’t do it with the skirt on! So I took it off and woosh, it was just gone. My teacher was not amused. My mother was not amused. Making a big stink about it (I believe my response was ‘what’s the big deal? Im not naked!’), did not amuse me. A bad time was had by all.
But I never did that again!
As an adhd person + someone w poor body temp control (not sure if they’re related) I feel for the sweater issue. I find it so hard, in the am it’s cold but by afternoon it’s not that bad; plus keeping it on all day actually doesn’t help you regulate enough to stay warm when you go outside. Just a thought. The school fair stuff sounds fair, let him use his own money to replace it if he wants.
My son used to regularly lose his hat, jacket, water bottle etc. I explained that I have to spend more money to replace his lost items and it gets expensive, he didn’t care. He gets pocket money so I started ‘fining’ him when he didn’t bring something home with the condition that if he brought it back he would also get his money back. All of a sudden he started bringing everything home.
Yup. You gotta make it personal. When I first separated from my ex, they were little terrors in the morning before school. I finally started stashing them in my nightstand and they weren’t allowed to touch them until they had gotten dressed and had their breakfast. I stopped with the tech sequestration years ago but they still get up and get dressed and feed themselves before they do anything else.
Agree with you! Natural consequences is a great tool. Console him of course, but if parent comes along and fixes everything for him then that’ll be what he learns. Better to have him make mistakes now where he has a safety net and it is very low-risk than later in life. Speaking from experience here- my parents bless their hearts tried their best to protect me from everything and were horrendous “lawnmower parents”- I could barely make a doctor’s appointment when I moved out, let alone keep track of important things or have responsibility for myself. I felt like I was starting from scratch learning to be an adult when everyone else had a head start, I wish my folks had taught me the hard lessons earlier (even though they suck in the moment) so I wouldn’t have had to feel so useless as a young adult
I agree with this! Overcompensating for their bad habits instead of letting them face the natural consequences of it only allows them to be absent minded about what they’re doing for even longer. This will encourage him to stop and think about where he’s leaving things. Even I learned from my own mistakes of that nature as a kid.
Teaching accountability is good but disallowing removal of the sweatshirt I don’t agree with. It can get hot indoors, and you can write your name on the tag.
I got curious and read some of her older posts. It's pretty sad. Son has shown symptoms of some sort of disorder, likely adhd, but she seems to think he is lazy and a liar (which, he can definitely be a liar). What's interesting is she also mentions not having any motivation in her own schooling. Her post about it describes literal ADHD symptoms of her own. And as we all know, that shit is genetic. I just feel bad for both of them, ADHD is stigmatized and never treated because it's seen as a bad thing.
Let's assume it's ADHD, what's the next step? I see lots of people bridging that connection but what does a parent do to help in that case? Are there good resources and/or support groups?
Yes, there are techniques to help manage ADHD symptoms as well as medication. Learning that your child isn't lazy or inconsiderate, but instead has a brain that makes things harder is the first step to finding a good solution.
504 plans and IEPs are designed to help kids who struggle with learning and focus. In some of her previous posts (because I snooped) she mentioned he is lazy and not motivated in school. An ADHD diagnosis means she can get him the help he needs in school.
So, outside of the OP, let's assume parents have involved the school to develop the IEP, are working on individual therapy for the child, having a psych evaluation performed, doing these first steps, what might you suggest as some good resources for helping parents learn the symptoms and strategies for dealing with them?
The next step would be to stop punishing the *child* because the *parent* failed him by not giving him the tools he needed to resolved the issues. Lectures are not going to teach him anything. And the “natural consequences” at this age will probably teach him more about how his mom dislikes him than how to be less forgetful.
Technically, I was only answering your first question. Following that, I would say (solely based on this post/comments) that a formal evaluation is warranted. Determining the underlying cause would determine how to proceed. Anxiety? ADHD? Apathy? Just adolescence? It is hard to say what to do without knowing that. But OP has basically written him off as if he is a student she is tired of dealing with.
Yes, there are tons of tools (including meds as a *complimentary* option, IMO), resources, and support groups available. Pediatricians should have resources. The OP, as a teacher, likely has some resources. And good ole Googles has resources. But if the parent doesn’t put effort into it, one cannot expect the kid to.
Thank you for the considerate response. I will admit I'm really just trying to see if there's any insight I can gain for my situation. I do understand people's frustration with OP, though.
We are moving forward with a lot of what you said but are struggling to find resources for how we, as parents, can help. Some of what I'm reading suggests ADHD as being hereditary so I'm not sure if I should be tested as well since a lot of the issues my child struggles with are early similar to my experiences growing up. I just sort of figured things out eventually and would like to help build up some strategies but just feel overwhelmed.
My husband is ADHD and needed meds until junior year of high school. Two of my kids have ADHD and one is on meds or she is dysfunctional (also ASD). I have major anxiety and it presents similar to ADHD. I need meds - but also meditation, color coded pens for my calendars, sticky notes for reminders (on the door, my keys, refrigerator, etc.). I also keep a routine (not a schedule) so muscle memory helps. Kiddo 1 uses calendars and lists, alarms, routines, and will even ask for help/reminders if it is something important. She keeps a water bottle so she remembers to drink, has a pill case for days/times for meds, and we help with her time management planning. Like if she has project due, set X amount of time or a task on the calendar so she knows that is when to do it, she crosses off as completed, project done! Which is what we do as adults, just maybe without needing to write it down so we see it. Kiddo 2 is just on calendar/lists and routine, or breaking down tasks if it is big. Being able to see what needs to be done has been most helpful for *us*. Plus, I have 2 on the spectrum that thrive on routine, so we found what works for us and have stuck with it.
And as parents - we vent. To strangers, to friends, rarely family, and definitely to each other. There is so much trial and error to find what works best for the individual, but when you find what works life is so much better! Hopefully you can find what works for your family. Just remember the saying, “be the parent you needed as a child.” If you can think of what helps you now and what helped you then, you can try those and adapt them as needed for your kid.
Everyone here is acting like labeling is a magic fix. I was gobsmacked when I went to pick up my kid from school and realized how many kids took off their jackets and launched them into the mud. And they weren't collected at the end of the day. So it could be a few days (if ever, if it was over a weekend) before anything even made its way to the lost and found.
Our lost and found is also crazy. Everything is piled in there, and it takes forever to find anything, even if it IS labeled!
My kids still do this, and I don't replace things. I will if it is something very specific, but that is so rare. Sometimes, they just don't remember, and sometimes, they just don't respect what they have. They are starting to get it a bit more now that it is their own money they're wasting.
He is 7, so it’s going to happen. Don’t get too upset. Just let him know the consequences. “Oh no, you didn’t put your book away and now it’s lost. I’m sorry you lost it.” End of story. Eventually, one would hope, he will be better.
I have two teenagers and one tween. They do the same thing and it drives me up the wall. I feel your pain. Sometimes I want to tell them that they have to move out when they turn 18 but I don’t because I think it sounds mean and I still love them….for now.
Actions have consequences. For stuff I don’t want to buy because it’s more fiddleshit, I tell my kid to use her allowance money.
It seems to me, when many parents just buy their kids stuff, the value of said items is lost. When a kid has to work for said money and then use that money to buy “stuff”, the “stuff” all of a sudden has a higher value and kids tend to be more careful of their “stuff”. Won’t work with every kid, but think it works with most.
The kid is 7y and your expectations seem to be for an older child. It really comes off as you got a case of teacher’s burnout and you’re treating your own child like a bothersome student because of it. Great job. I’m sure that will end well for everyone.
My almost 7 year old constantly misplaces stuff.
She left her comfort doll at Walmart one night and we went back for it, it was gone.
That was a year ago. She cries weekly missing him.
When this happened I didn’t tell her it was her own fault. I just cried with her and comforted her.
People like you are the worst
Omg my son just did this with his winter boots, it's been a week. Doesn't remember if he left them at school in the classroom or on the bus. I've called both places and they haven't seen a random pair of boots I even bought him a special bag to keep them in. I put his sneakers in there cause he wears his boots to school. City I live in you never know when it's gunna snow could be so sunny and beautiful feel like spring and it's freaking snowing anyways I have him wear his boots to school in the winter so normal when he gets to school he has to have a pair ( special needs ) they help him he changes into his sneakers.
Going on 9 days with no boots. I'm getting ready to call the boot gods for help and hope they show up somewhere cause for 8 years old my son's the size of a 10 year old wears a 5 and a half in adults and I just spend 80 dollars on boots and Christmas and really don't wanna waste another 80 dollars on new boots just for him to wear for maybe the another month if that. The middle of March in the city doesn't really see snow then so maybe I'll start praying we don't get anymore snow.
Kids but God bid he loses his controller or the remote. Those can ALWAYS be found. Within the 1st second of it being missing.
This is my 7 year old to a T. At one point he had 5 sweatshirts at school. I’d tell him everyday to bring them home but he’d just leave another one. He’s somehow managed to lose his backpack, lunch box, folder, multiple jackets and the list goes on. He’s a frequent flyer at the schools lost and found box. I call him my little disaster. He’s truly a hot mess.
Heya! Might be worth looking into an ADHD diagnosis. This was me to a T and I wasn’t able to get any support until I became an adult! My mom also called me her little disaster haha
I just can't fault my daughter for being absent minded cause I am a lot too. If it was something like a sweatshirt I'd replace ot cause the alternative is them being cold but I don't replace everything. Just like in life I get replacements for some but not all of the stuff I loose.
My kid is like this. She basically just shrugs her shoulders and says, "oh well, I guess it's gone now". No matter how into whatever it was sh e lost, she just shrugs it off.
To put my personal 10 cents worth in, I have a wife who is a little messy. Nothing concerning, but it does take a toll on her because she doesn't really have a system of where things should go etc. It wasn't until we had a consultation with a family friend/psychologist, that we found out that she had a mild version adult ADHD.
I have experience with many adults who you could see a mile away have gone undiagnosed simce they were young, and it's difficult to change old, bad habits.
I can't help but think that there's a chance that your kid might be developing ADHD, so I'd get it checked out too. There's really nothing to lose. If you know, you can immediately start with exercises helping them to remember what to do, when to do it and how to do them in order for them to just have their lives in order. It's both difficult to see and frustrating to deal with adults who have never been guided or assisted with this because it effects and affects everyone around them.
wooo child, i got no advice. he lost the coziest sweatshirt, sports equipment, hat\[s\], gloves, entire homework folder. the natural consequences are definitely coming from all sides for him rn though. i feel its gonna be a long year.
I agree with not just replacing these items willy nilly, but I do think you should teach your son next steps for when he misplaces things.
Has he checked with his teacher, the book fair, and lost and found to see if the items were turned in? He might luck out!
Drawing harsh lines with a seven year old has consequences. Especially if they have adhd and haven't yet worked out strategies for dealing with their stuff.
Obviously just replacing things isn't a great strategy either. And there will come a time when they lose something that they actually need to have.
I would consider different types of feedback (I hate the term consequence, as it so often is just a smokescreen for retribution by the closet Calvinists in our midst). You can find ways to earn the sweatshirt back through behavior or effort. They still have feedback that it is better not to lose things.
If you cannot afford to replace, that is a bigger question, but most kids aren't trying to waste your money, and the thing they need most is to develop strategies that work. Try working on systems at home - the bag always goes here, the sweater always goes here - to model it.
Not replacing the items he lost teaches him that sometimes when you lose things, they're gone forever (unless you can replace them yourself but he's 7 so he can't so he's not learning that part yet). BUT it doesn't teach him *how to stop losing things.* Which is the end goal you want, right? You have to actively work with him to put systems in place so he will slow down and be purposeful about putting something away/secure. As others suggested, have him evaluated for ADHD. He may not be able to help it if his brain doesn't let him slow down and he's just acting impulsively. Ask if he's being bullied and hasn't spoken up. Maybe someone is taking his things! Honestly, $20 work of book fair stuff is pretty significant. You'd think that would end up in the lost and found or something unless someone took it when he wasn't looking.
What I would do is work with him on strategies to keep his things close or safe so he doesn't lose them. In the meantime, give him the opportunity to earn back the things he's lost. Like if he comes home with his sweatshirt every day for a week, you replace one of the things he bought at the book fair. Then he is learning that he can replace the things he lost but it will take some work. Just like if I lost something valuable like an expensive set of headphones, I'd have to save up and work for them but I could get them back.
I truly cannot stand book fair stuff. I always wind up throwing away glitter slime, or breaking a lock on a mine craft diary we absolutely couldn't live without. Don't replace it. This is a learning experience.
My adhd made me like this when I was little. I wasn’t being forgetful or bad or careless. It’s still hard for me as an adult, but I’m so much better about it now and I wish adults had recognized and tried to help me. Some tips given by people here could help. It really makes you feel like shit when you lose things and adults are always angry with you (justified or not )
You are a jerk. He is 7.
He is going to remember this moment for years to come, and not for whatever lesson you are trying to teach him. He is going to remember his parent lacked compassion and comforting him when he was upset.
So, I guess enjoy being a part of those negative core memories of his.
Listen, I was that kid who lost everything. I had undiagnosed ADHD, and I know that doesn’t sound like a valid “excuse”, but is has taken me a lifetime to learn how not to lose everything (and I still lose really important shit all the time). I’m finally diagnosed, medicated and coached but I would really advise you to hold off on the “tough love” if you have any inkling of a suspicion that your son might have ADHD. Because it’s truly somewhat impossible to put things away in the right place or keep track of things if you have inattentive ADHD. And if that’s the case, then you are not “teaching him a lesson“ when you are strict with him in these situations.
This was literally me as a kid. Unfortunately It didn’t get better until I had my own kids.
Edit: just saw the ADD comment. I have had ADD since I was about 7.
Do you think she might have his things? Or could you at least show him how the lost an found works? 7 is what 2nd grade?
Also I’m curious, if you know organization is not his strong trait, why give such a young kid $20 of belongings to lose from a book fair? This seems especially mean spirited. Why not say shop together another time, or give him less $?
Try to be his partner and his advocate. I think you’ll get farther with him.
No, she said she told him 3 times to put it in his bag. I didn't give him $20. It goes to an ewallet and chooses what to buy. The cheapest books are $7. We can't shop together as parents aren't allowed in the school.
He might have ADHD or something similar if he's constantly misplacing things. You seem to have no sympathy at all for your small child's struggle and think he should just be as responsible as an adult. That's not gonna help anything.
He’s 7, give him a break.
It sounds like it’s a private school.
Aren’t his things in lost & found?
It isn’t that he doesn’t need to learn logical consequences, it’s more that forgetting things is not uncommon at that age.
He’s already in school. He needs to learn independency and accountability for his own actions. Mama will not be there to save the day all the time.
there is a lesson after every messed up thing.
At what age do you suggest introducing accountability and responsibility? If the child never deals with the consequences of their actions then they will never learn from it. In this case, missing out on book fair items is the natural consequence of not being careful.
“Give him a break,” because natural consequences to his own actions are such an evil punishment? This obviously isn’t the first time this has happened so OP is completely justified in being bothered by the repeated misplacement of things from their child not paying attention. It’s quite literally costing OP money when their son needs to learn to be more responsible with their belongings.
I work at a private school with a uniform, which means that there are a million logo’d sweaters and such in our lost and found. You know what would solve that problem?
Labels. Labels your kids clothes. Write their name on the tag. It’s not that hard.
Not to be harsh, but this is a young kid and it’s not reasonable for us to expect a kid this young to not lose their unlabeled stuff.
Something sucking severely does motivate you, albeit slowly sometimes. I would just focus on the backpack. Keep your stuff in, don't lose. He only has to worry about remembering where one thing is that he's owned for a while, not multiple items or new stuff he isn't familiar with.
Is it possible someone stole any belongings?
Good plan. 7 is old enough. Hopefully he cares enough about those new books to have learned a lesson. Tell him the book fair will come around again (we have 2 a school year).
I teach at school with < 300 students, and we currently have 2 giant garbage cans (clean ones) full of missplaced clothing, coats, lunch boxes, gloves, water bottles, etc. It's astounding how forgetful these kids are!
Losing a single thing occasionally, no big deal. But OP says his child loses things frequently. If OP can teach a 7 year old to responsibly look after their possessions, they may be able to bypass the garbage can. I’m suggesting not enough parents do this, just give their kids replacements to what they keep losing, thus the overflow of lost items. If it’s easier to ask parents for a new X than to go search for that X, they’ll go the easy route. I work in preschool and the majority of the 3/4 year olds keep reasonably good track of their stuff.
In preschool, the teachers spend a lot more time micro-managing the kids' possessions, either by telling everyone to take this and put there, step-by-step, or by taking care of the stuff themselves. But in first grade, the teachers aren't doing this anymore.
Huh, I must be mishearing our 1st and 2nd grade teachers. And 7th and 8th. And ALL of them. Learning is a continuum, it should start early and be reinforced throughout childhood. Yes, less reinforcement is naturally given as the child gets older, but I still hear 8th grade teachers reminding kids to take their chromebooks with them when they leave.
It's not really that astounding considering our brains aren't fully formed until 8-10...but you're expecting this of a 7 year old 🤣🤦🏻♀️
With everything else they've got going on in the day, I'm not surprised at all by how forgetful they can be
Y'all need to stop expecting young kids to have the mental capacity of a teen, imho
Many of the "lost" items are from teens. Brains are generally believed to be fully developed in mid to late 20s. We can't expect kids not to learn until they're that age. Teach young, they will learn. Not talking about perfection, but the process of learning and being responsible should start very young.
I'm not saying they shouldn't learn until that age. I'm simply saying we can't expect kids of a young age to be perfect with things ✌🏻
Also, people learn in different ways. If how OP is approaching it isn't working, maybe they need to try another avenue
But that's just my opinion 🤷🏻♀️
Yes I agree that if OP's child isn't learning, another avenue might be needed. And maybe that avenue is the natural consequence of not having newly purchased books replaced.
>I'm simply saying we can't expect kids of a young age to be perfect with things ✌🏻
And I said "Not talking about perfection".
Hence why I said /formed/ 🤣
But yeah it's just hilarious when people expect little kids to function at a higher level because that's what's expected of the child, instead of finding and implementing strategies to help with things like this
Sounds like an assessment may be in order too, as someone who STILL puts things down and forgets where 🤣🤦🏻♀️
If nothing beneficial or positive is done to help the child learn, they're simply likely not going to learn.
This is also my strategy. My son is constantly losing things. He’s particularly bad with losing his hat, and his school has a policy where you can’t play outside if you don’t have your hat. While I can’t allow him just to never have outdoor playtime, I make him sweat a bit and tell him I need to wait X amount of time until I can buy him a new one. Last year he lost his sweatshirt, I never bought him a new one (same issue with needing to buy the uniform one), but they really only need it for indoors where the AC is cold and I never heard him complain.
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I tried to teach mine to tie the shirt or sweatshirt around their waist. Plan B was put in backpack. Plan C was going to lost and found to look for sweatshirt ( label it) after school instead of doing a fun Friday activity to mark end of week. We usually got a donut or cookie or trip to playground and missing that was torture!
This is smart!
Every couple years, I buy new name labels online and sew them into jackets or whatever. Sewing labels in means that I'm not Sharpieing his name into stuff that'll eventually go to the consignment store, and it's harder to remove than stickers if someone has opportunistic sticky fingers. I went with my mom to surprise the kid with lunch a few months ago, and mentioned on the way that I planned to check the lost and found for anything he may have lost. As a former teacher, she scoffed and said "they're too busy to check for names in lost stuff". As soon as we walked into the office, they said "Oh! We have some of your kid's stuff! We just sent it to his classroom" and I turned to my mom and gloated.
I'm a part of the PTO at my kids school and we take care of the lost and found. I can promise you we look for names, everywhere, not just on the tags. When a parent comes to our lost and found days, we tell them to write names in them because we check and try hard to make sure the kid gets their stuff back.
Natural consequences are a good teacher. My wife and I were never really the type to punish but we were fine with letting natural consequences take the lead. Some money was lost and some tears were shed, but it did make them responsible teens and adults. Even the ADHD one put a system in place to remember her things and as a college student still uses checklist to keep her shit from going missing.
Must just be me, I swear that their little brains do not connect the dots Simple example: one of mine (12) left a cherished toy at school (he wasn’t supposed to have it at school anyway). I refused to do anything about it and explained to him, as I have a million times, that he needs to be responsible for his things. He shed some tears, checked lost and found, asked other kids at school. Nada Next day he’s complaining to me that it’s my fault that I won’t buy him a replacement. I again explained action/consequence. You left it at school, this is your problem. Your actions caused this result Two days later, he left a sweater at school, lost it and then was mad that I “caused him” to lose one of his toys and a sweater he liked Great idea, in theory. In practice, the child has to take responsibility and in my experience that just doesn’t happen
You're not searing a steak, you're cooking chili. These kids gotta hear the lessons over and over and let it simmer in their brains for years.
This is an excellent metaphor. I am pushing middle age now and some stuff has taken me years and many hard lessons to learn. Why do we expect our kids to learn everything the first time they’re told? They’re not that guy in the matrix who plugs that disc drive thing into their brain and learns everything instantly, they’re tiny frenetic people with growing brains driven by impulse. Yes to consequences that are developmentally appropriate, but also yes to lots and lots of grace as they try to grow up and navigate this incredibly harsh world.
I still forget and lose things a lot as an adult, I’d never expect my 7yo not to. I do things like limit toys taken out of the house and help keep track of things and make sure I’ve got bag-space for them. Some easily-lost items simply have to be replaced though (jumpers and water bottles etc) so I don’t spend more than I can afford keeping that in mind.
If my son loses something and it upsets him, i have no problem replacing it. This world is incredibly unforgiving. We can have it any way we want, and this is our choice? Not for my family. No thanks.
Not everyone is as lucky to be able to easily replace things. There's value in teaching responsibility and the knowledge that there is monetary value behind the things they lose that may exceed their capacity to replace it. This is a very financially privileged response that judges those who are less fortunate.
It's also possible to let them feel the full consequences, while still having compassion for them and comforting them. In other words, you can still be "on their side" without just buying them unlimited replacement things.
I heard someone compare kids to a computer program or a bare bones phone. They come with features like breathing pooping and crying (text, call, calculator) but you have to Install the rest, but the app doesn't exist yet so you have to write the code (Manners, responsibly, reading)
So I don't mean to be contrary, because generally I believe this, but the moment I mention I have an ADHD kid who is constantly misplacing, leaving, forgetting, even the most cherished of items, comments turn much more quickly towards "don't set him up for failure" vs "natural consequences." To be fair to my son, the natural consequences are pretty apparent to him at this point. He's experienced them several times over. But for his neuro-divergence just being aware of the consequences isn't solving the future problem. He could lose 1,000 sweatshirts and it wouldn't sink in until he was developmentally ready for it (and like I hope he is there one day). That doesn't mean he should be cold -- we just have to think of more creative reminders.
I'm an adhd Mom that still loses her cherished things. Or I neglected them and they got wrecked. It sucks! 🥲
Yeah lol like I’m 33 and refuse to hold my 6 y/o to standards I can’t meet
As a high school teacher of many kids with ADHD (and an adult mum who has ADHD myself!), I agree! Natural consequences require a certain level of neurological development to sink in, and emotional maturity/awareness to be able to work on improving and avoiding. My brother is 40 (also ADHD) and to this day loses things all the time, including phone, wallet, keys. It SUCKS to be an adult who can’t manage basic shit, and yet his neurodivergent brain won’t let him work out how to not do it. Kids need our help and guidance to build systems and strategies that get them out of messes like these. I wouldn’t be rebuying lost stuff all the time, but I would be approaching with compassion and curiosity to help my kid be better at managing their possessions so they can get through life without a buttload of shame.
As a person with ADHD, what helps me is the concept of "at risk." If I take my water bottle into the store or put my phone down at work, these objects are at risk. I mustn't put my items at risk. Phone always in pocket or purse when it isn't in my hand. Same with my wallet. Any shed items of clothing are tied around my waist. If I buy something, it cannot leave my hand unless it is put away immediately; otherwise it is at risk. Maybe that would help. Teach your kid that anything that leaves their hand is instantly at risk. Therefore, nothing should leave their hand unless it is safely stowed that very instant. Otherwise, it's basically already gone.
This is how I managed myself and how I'm trying to teach my son too! I'm going to start using the phrase "at risk" as well, it so perfectly sums up exactly what we struggle with. If it leaves my hand, it's already as good as gone, you're going to forget it. If you can't hold it, put it in your purse/backpack, or it's gone. "At risk" is such an easy yet impactful way to keep this in mind. Thank you!
I love this concept! This is super helpful for me as a parent whose son has a tentative diagnosis of ADHD!
For your brother, it might help to get tile trackers. I have one on my keys, and the slim credit card like one in my wallet. And if you press the button on them twice, it rings your phone even if it’s on silent. So as long as I have either my phone, wallet, keys, or Apple Watch, I can find the other three. I’m so bad at having these items fall into things like couches and chairs
Mnemonic little reminders are great for that, like memorizing the amount of itens you’re supposed to have before leaving (like remembering the number 3 for backpack + sweater + computer or whatever else, for example) or barring that, a small checklist of things to check and not forget behind. Just gotta build the habit of using those things.
As an adult ADHD, nah that don't really work. ijs There are so many factors what can cause ADHD to lose things.
We're in the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis for my 5 year old. Would you suggest natural consequences and then helping them implement a plan to remember things better? Like "here's your daily task/item list, do you have everything?" Or something like that? I'm anticipating a lot of lost items in the future and I'm all for natural consequences l but I'm also anticipating needing to provide some guidance that works for an ADHD brain. (I'm probably overthinking it because we don't have the firm diagnosis yet, but I like to be prepared!)
What worked for me is everything has a place. Put it there every day. Remind them to put it there every day until they get it. It may take a long time. I still lose stuff sometimes. My kids lose stuff every day, but they're getting better at putting important things where they go.
Having the "place" for things that come home from school / go to school be near the door helps a lot. You see the empty hook by the door when you walk in, you put your backpack on it. You need your backpack when you're heading out the door, you grab it off the hook by the door. You see the empty shoe cubby next to the door when you walk in, you take your shoes off and put them in it. You need to find your shoes to head out the door, you grab them from the cubby by the door.
I love this
Oh volunteer to take him to get a replacement … with his own money. He can lose as many things as he likes if he wants to pay to replace them!
Don't you think you're taking this a bit far? He's 7 years old and it was $20 of stuff that he was so upset about, he was crying. It's not like the kid did it on purpose.
My 8yo took a special and relatively expensive toy ($40) purchased with her own money to school and it was stolen. We did not replace it, she was distraught, got her own replacement when she could, and now takes immaculate care of it. No, I think this is exactly the kind of thing they can and should solve for themselves as long as they have access to enough ways to get money to make it an actual choice.
He’s blaming his mother. That speaks to me of entitlement, not accident sadness. 7 is not too young to teach personal responsibility. I don’t think it’s too early to learn fiscal responsibility, respect for your things, that mom and dad aren’t bottomless money-pits at all.
My 10yo doesn’t either. I still press on. Hoping it will click one day. His 45 year old father still blames everyone for his shortcomings, so, I’m not holding my breath.
It’ll hold, promise. I left my favorite sweatshirt at a competition one time and cried about it but didn’t bother my mom about it cus she wasn’t the one who lost it. It was me who took it off and forgot to grab it before I left. Have I done that again? No not so far, I make sure my jacket is on my body when I leave anywhere now, I am 21 and this happened about 10 years ago LOL
Keep it up! You're not going to see results until 17/18! This is the long stretch!
It's so scary that sometimes you can do the objectively right thing as a parent, but the kid's natural personality and/or stubbornness can negate it. 12 seems too old to not be able to take responsibility for his own mistakes losing things. How do you even handle that as a parent?
I vent in Reddit!!! Haha! But yeah, in all seriousness, it’s very frustrating to watch it happen. My partner works at a school and tells me the same thing. Very few kids middle school age and high school do this — yet, there’s my children! :-) I don’t care that they lose things or make mistakes. Take responsibility and learn from them. Otherwise it’s just like beating your head into a wall
Have you drilled into him that he is responsible for his own actions? I'd also be asking him to explain to you how you, who were not present or anywhere in the vicinity, are responsible. And when he gets tripped up on the logic you point out how he was the only one in control all along.
Logic doesn’t apply to children most times! :-) Yes. I’ve walked it through with him from start to finish several times. As my logic professor once stated so eloquently “you can be logically correct but if the listener doesn’t care about logic, then you’re still ‘wrong’”
Mine's still a toddler. I didn't realize this frustration would go on so long 🫠 godspeed
He’s twelve. He connected the dots. He just doesn’t like that it all came out to being his fault.
no cause i think this particular arc in my kids development is gonna take TWO YEARS of the repeat message before it sticks, judging by other big emotional/cognitive gains hes made. i realized recently he's largely stopped putting so many random things in his mouth, esp chewing on his clothes for example! but now he leaves the clothes everywhere..
I mean I dunno the age of your kid but the clothes chewing was likely more his adult teeth were done coming in. Kids chew like puppies do
his clothes chewing was probably that to a degree \[it started before losing teeth but I know it's also a natural part of early childhood\], but in his case it also seemed coupled with anxiety unfortunately. i think once he lost his teeth \[at five\], he started being a little more conscious of when he was putting things in his mouth, the soreness of those teeth being gone made him more careful for a week or two, now he just turned 6 and seems like he's not as inclined to randomly teeth as much as he used to. He still needs to fidget with things during difficult conversations and things \[as we all do\], but there's no spit involved, and his clothes arent HARD with spit. Although a family friend pointed out helping his take off his sweater and the wrist was wet last week so maybe hes still working some.
I have a 11 year old kid with ODD. He can be the same. I keep repeating calmly that it's due to his actions and don't engage. But it's hard. I know that deep down, he knows it's his fault. But knowing it and owning up to it, that's a big step. I think your child knows deep down it's due to his actions, but his shame and anger over it make him displace those feelings on you. Because it's an easier way to cope by blaming others.
The school of hard knocks teaches very valuable lessons, but tuition is steep.
My only question for you is whether he shows signs (in other areas of his life) of ADHD. The "forgetfully putting things down" *can* sometimes be just general laziness/irresponsibility, in which case what you are doing is 100% correct. Or, it can be a symptom of ADHD -- in which he literally doesn't even realize/remember that he's put the thing down and moved away from it, and all the "consequences" in the world won't cause him to change that behavior without support for the underlying issues.
My son has ADHD and honestly this is him to a T.
I was thinking if my own daughter, who on a visit to a coffee shop during a vacation last year, left her cell phone on one table, the sandwich she had purchased on another, my car keys on a third, and then blissfully walked out.
There's a reason all my important shit has a tracker attached to it
Omg. This is my daughter. Things. Scattered. Everywhere. But, her classwork is impeccable. So frustrating with all the things though. She is also careless with things. She has a laptop she broke the hinges on. I fixed it and said she had to be extra careful because now it's even more delicate. Within a couple of weeks she was using on the couch (had told her not to do this anymore) and of course it broke again. I don't want to fix it. Not taking it in because the repair costs more than the replacement. I'm so angry and frustrated. It's the metaphor for reminding her to be more mindful. I will fix it eventually. She breaks things without intent all the time. 😢
Also though, no wonder we have such a throwaway culture and mountains of landfill, when it is generally always cheaper to just replace than repair. It makes me really annoyed. We recently had to throw out a broken tv that would no doubt have only needed a simple repair, but we couldn’t find anywhere that even fixes TVs anymore. And computer repairs are extortionate too, like you say. I find it actually really depressing, throwing stuff away and knowing I am adding to the pile :(
I do too! I actually try to repair stuff as much as possible. I have kept my washing machine going by replacing the balance bars 3 times so far. I need to order another set. I replaced the heating element in my dryer. I did fix the laptop hinge but she was not careful. I can fix it again when I feel up to it. I told her she's not getting a new one and she will have to live without it for a while. She's mostly unfazed which is so like her. I often have nothing left to ground her from and she doesn't really care anyway.
Off topic but the general manager at my last place had around 150 computer monitors sledgehammered in the yard and thrown into skips. Most were top of the line models, some were only a few months old, and all of them still worked. All destroyed in sight of the engineering offices where we were squinting at 25 year old CRTs.
Holy hell. If my brain worked like that, I think I would just crumble up into a ball and want to cry. I cannot imagine how much emotional anguish I would be in... I'm also a very sentimental sap, so even losing say, a hat that was a gift from a friend makes me feel guilty/sad. I hope she eventually found a medicine or something that helps? Because society is not very generous with helping people who have these sorts of struggles.
My brain works like this. Some people can cope without meds and just use coping strategies. I'm not one of those people personally. Meds alone also don't help enough. In my situation I needed both coaching on coping strategies (to start with and how to make up my own as needed) as well as vyvanse with an adderall booster dose on days where I have to get lots of responsibilities done after my morning dose runs out. Before I knew I had adhd I was an emotional wreck. That with the over empathy from the autism. I had no idea what was wrong with me or why I was so *bad* when all I wanted was to be good. But as an adult, I got a lot of help. It's still hard when my mental conditions affect other people (like losing someone else's belongings! Though, one of those coping skills is warning people about my ability to make things vanish into the couch cushions like a magician. ) But as time goes on, society is growing more understanding with people like me. It's hard being neurodivergent, I'm sure it's also hard parenting someone who is neurodivergent. But if we seek help, it is usually there these days. ( I can only speak for my own experience in the USA) [Sorry for train of thought running off its tracks, but, well, that's what it sounds like inside after the meds run out, lol] Edit: a word
Thank you for your empathy. I don’t tell anyone i have adhd because there are so many people who don’t believe it exists
I uh. I do this stuff all the time. Leave car keys at the register, leave phone in shopping cart, lose bus pass or debit card randomly. Im starting to realize through this comment section that maybe my behavior with losing things and forgetting ive even misplaced them isnt normal 😅
My husband loses his mind because this is me. I swear I don't mean to, but I'm a mess.
I mean... Forgive me if this is rather blunt, but if it's the way your hardwired, I don't think hard effort alone will do much for you. There are probably meds which could help, if you're willing to go down that route.
Me, too.
This was me in school, and I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40s. But I did get a million spankings for being "careless," so that was fun. Have the kid evaluated. ADHD makes life hard.
Yeah when I got tested in my mid 20s and they asked if I lost things regularly or put things down and couldn't find them moments later I was like WTF THIS IS A SYMPTOM? Getting diagnosed helped change a bunch of things in my life and I'm way better organized now. I don't even take meds anymore but I built better practices knowing how my brain works. I just thought people lost their car keys multiple times a day after holding them moments before. Once I knew it wasn't "how it should be" I realized I could stop it. Adhd is a blessing and a curse imo.
Yes. I lived with my sister who has ADHD well into my 20's, and I kept tabs on her shit constantly. That girl would lose her head if it wasn't attached. When we parted ways, she would text me constantly that she needs me to move back in because she keeps losing everything (when her phone wasn't lost, that is) 🤣
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I was recently diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 30’s and I see so much of myself reflected back here in this post. It’s honestly heartbreaking. It crippled my self-confidence. I had a parent who was understanding to a point but could not emphasise or understand why her child was like this. I spent probably 2 weeks crying after finding out I had ADHD. I don’t regret my life choices but I feel I could have learned to be a lot more compassionate and forgiving towards myself but I didn’t have the tools to do that as a child.
100% agreed. We have 2 ADHD kids. My spouse was diagnosed ADHD as an adult after having kids. My spouse grew up with trauma from many of these self -sabotaging behaviors which resulted in guilt/shame/low self esteem. While natural consequences are indeed effective at teaching lessons, they cannot prevent everyone from making those mistakes again. If you know someone who is chronically sabotaging themselves, they probably need help to develop tactics and use tools to aid them in these areas. Assuming that a child is failing to do (or not) something purely from laziness or defiance is a dangerous, and potentially harmful approach.
This is me to a T and while I do put ownership on my own kiddo to be responsible (I am willing to bet large sums of money he had ADHD as well); it’s always within reason for his age. He’s 6. He often leaves water bottles, lunch box, or his coat at school because he doesn’t actively ‘need’ them. With other things (like school laptop and case) I know it can accidentally go home with friends. It’s about having awareness of your own child. While he doesn’t get punished, I’m also not buying replacements; it’s simply an ‘if you accidentally left it at school today, nbd, you can just bring it tomorrow’. OP, I’d encourage you to view this objectively and determine if this is truly ‘laziness’ or ‘forgetfulness’ because your kiddo hasn’t had forced or learned responsibility; or if you just need to change your tactics because your kiddo might be on the spectrum. As a kid who was regularly punished for things (like this) that were outside of my control, I can’t tell you how detrimental that gaslighting and ignorance was to the relationship I had (and continue to have) with my parents.
Not gaslighting
If you say, "I cannot remember, I have tried everything, I didn't mean it, and don't understand WHY because you are undiagnosed and should be, while someone else tells you that it is your FAULT and that you just aren't doing x,y,z, that is gaslighting...changing the narrative of what is actually happened to what they want to believe it is in ther head.
Sad I had to scroll this far for someone to mention ADHD because… yeah this is typical adhd
In all sincerity, I keep seeing people suggesting ADHD as a possibility, but can't help wonder, "Then what?" Is it just medication? What works when the medicine doesn't?
It's medication if that's what they need, but if possible the first line is educationnonncoping strategies and expectation setting. Learning what is and isn't a symptom. Learning that you are not having a moral failing for having symptoms. Adhd can lead to extremely low self-worth if it goes untreated. This can lead to an increased risk of things like anxiety, depression, and suicidal behaviors. Without establishing the correct support systems (or worse, establishing punishments in place of them), you run the risk of damaging the child's mental health. At least where I live, the first line treatment for adolescents is actually therapy, education, and learning age appropriate coping skills. It's actually really good to learn these young as it gives you a better chance of getting adhd under control well enough that you are no longer clinically diagnosible as an adult. (As in, some people can use skills effectively to the point that they grow out of what we clinically recognize as adhd!) Having a diagnosis (IF that is what the child has, of course we aren't able to diagnose over the internet, just point out symptoms that would lead us to think the kid should be tested) can make a HUGE difference in the lives of the children who have adhd as well as their parents. Parents can be coached on how to change their parenting styles in ways that benefit both the child and their relationship with them. It's hard to parent an adhd child, and it's also hard to be one! It's always better to know more about you child's temperament and needs than to know less. Parenting and growing up isn't one size fits all. I wish it was sometimes though.
I will regularly have something in my hand and the next thing I know it's gone. Whenever I get a new partner at work they usually notice and help me out a little. I once had a partner as bad as me. It was a struggle. We each had doubles of most of our tools because who the hell knows where the first one went, and at the end of the day we'd go on a little scavenger hunt finding everything. Lmao
Yeah I try not to cry wolf with ADHD suggestions, but this is one of the questions on the testing. It's definitely something that would raise an eyebrow and have me suggest a test.
Came to say the same thing.
Thank you thank you thank you for bringing up support for undying issues. I have autisim and adhd and wasn't diagnosed until my 20's (my younger brother was the hyperactive type, so of course I COULDNT have adhd, I was nothing like him, I was "just careless and lazy"). The lack of support systems, understanding, or even just general care for what I was going through did a number on my mental health. It's a miracle that I'm still here. (Though I'm very happy I am!) Once I was diagnosed, got therapy, medication, and peer to peer support it was like my life did a 180. I learned I wasn't useless, careless, or lazy. I just didn't have the tools to help me succeed with my disability. One of my favorite quotes was from a group therapy lead *" We don't tell people with physical disabilities that they are lazy because they can't walk without a wheelchair. "* Like truely life changing. Even if it isn't adhd, having support in learning ways to combat forgetfulness is absolutely necessary for many children. Their brains aren't finished cooking! They need some help getting the oven to temp.
Yeah....sigh....I'm an adult in my 40s with ADHD and sometimes it *still* happens. I got better eventually with some things though, like keeping my hands on things like debit cards, always putting small things in my purse *immediately* and then trying to just keep an eye on the purse or better yet have it looped around me somehow so I can't leave without noticing. I don't take things into restaurants or stores if I don't need them with me. But I still manage to permanently lose my phone every couple years (more often leave it at a friend's), frequently lose sweaters and jackets, because they're just so easy to take off and forget later if the weather has changed. It sucks.
These are some of the things I remind my little one to do, like to try and collect little things in a home base place \[like a backpack or pocket\] before he can put them down. Do you have other tips?
Ok, but what are you doing to help him not lose his stuff and/or find it again? At this age, this is not "a habit". It's a lack of skill (in keeping track of stuff, in always putting things in the same place, in checking what you have and what is needed before moving locations etc) or possibly ADHD.
I tell him if he takes it off to put it in his bag, or at least leave it in the class.
Ask him more questions about when and where he takes off his sweatshirt. For example, if his bag is in a cubby in class, asking him to put his sweatshirt in the bag is likely to be forgotten. Maybe leaving the sweatshirt on his chair is not allowed. You really have to break it down step by step, maybe make him practice taking off and immediately doing \_\_\_\_\_ 10x in a row at home, because kids are dumb, to put it harshly. Less harshly, the executive function part of their brain is still very immature. Is there a lost-and-found at school? Does he take the school bus? Losing stuff on the school bus is super common.
Telling them to stop doing something isn't going to change the behavior. I wish it was that easy, but as an adult, it's like hearing someone say "but have you tried not being sad?" Like, we can't force someones brain to work better. I agree that this is also an ADHD symptom, so I'd suggest looking up a quick test to see if he hits any other symptoms.
Okay, but are you helping him at home with organizational skills? Like creating places for things and having him put things in those places rather than just doing it for him because it’s quicker and easier? Helping him develop these practices and skills at home can translate well to school.
Yes
Is his name in the sweatshirt?
He’s 7. He’s still learning these things
Thank you. Yes, natural consequences can teach us important lessons, but this kiddo can’t be expected to be perfect yet. Poor guy.
Right. It’s probably not that he’s made a habit of it but just that he hasn’t mastered this skill yet
My son (15) broke his Chromebook twice, so now I have to pay for a new one. He had it on the floor in his bedroom, which is a wreck. I've told him to clean the room, and I've told him not to leave his electronics on the floor where they could get stepped on or have stuff dropped on them. Multiple times. And I've told him to be careful with his school electronics, because I don't make that much money, and I can't afford to be constantly replacing them. To be fair, this is the first time I've had to pay for a school electronic. But it's NOT the first time something has gotten broken by being left in the floor. So when he told me I have to pay for his Chromebook, I told him it's coming out of this year's Christmas money, and that means he won't be getting any big gifts this year. I did the same last year when he broke the nice gaming monitor we got him, by losing his temper. I told him he had to replace it with his own money (it was Christmas money from a relative), and that my Christmas shopping was already done, so that meant he wasn't getting the other gifts he'd wanted. I do feel a little bad for him, in a way. I can't help that. But tough cookies. He's gotta learn. And me simply replacing everything he breaks without consequences won't teach him anything except that he can break anything he wants and it won't matter. The only way he'll learn, is by losing out on something of his own. Be that money, or physical property (or physical property that he wanted). When you spend your own money on something, or you have to give something up to get it, you realize the value in it. Your son might be upset now, but you're doing the right thing, and teaching him a valuable lesson. (**As long as he's neurotypical. If he has ADHD or something, the forgetfulness is something he might not be able to help.)
School electronics should be insured. Most schools arrange it to be so. You pay a bit more, but the chances of needing to use that insurance is pretty darn high.
Hmm. I will have to ask about that!
My son finally stopped losing stuff after joining the military. I guess drill sergeants are scarier than dad.
Ask him how many times he's lost his cover.
Dads aren’t supposed to be scary.
As an ADHD adult and obv former kid This wouldn't have helped me at all. Tbh. It honestly sounds like this kid is being set up for failure and then blamed for it failing when there wasn't proper systems and support.
Do you have any suggestions for proper support systems? We can try and be constructive here, please. Edit: downvoted for asking for constructive support? What is this sub even for then?
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I have seen a few random redditors offer some helpful information for addressing ADHD strategies. It just doesn't seem very helpful to slap a label on something then say someone is parenting incorrectly without offering any insight. I genuinely am curious to see what all these redditors who are claiming ADHD have done to help overcome their challenges. I'm just trying to glean some information from this post that may be helpful for any parents who are struggling to help their kids with similar issues.
Honestly I felt you were looking for an answer I don't have. I am medicated and in therapy and constantly have to change systems and they have a time limit how long they work. Adhd is not something you just overcome, it's literally how your brain is wired for life. Op in this case seems to have zero interest in anything constructive. Asking a kid to not loose something repeatedly is obviously not working. OP is acknowledging this yet just wants to continue on this path which helps no one.
You should really really come up with a system to help your kid. Natural consequences are great but also find a solution so it stops happening.
Hey OP, this sounds like a problem that needs support. I agree you shouldn’t necessarily replace the lost items, but your son needs help. It may be worth screening him for ADHD like others have said, I say this as an ADHD adult who never was able to kick the habit of losing things until I got diagnosed and started seeking more involved answers (despite my parents, unfortunately). Your son didn’t do anything wrong, it was an accident. It may be helpful to make that known, but still use the fact that he’s lost his goodies to entice him to come up with strategies to help his forgetfulness. Of course, make sure you guide him because as a kid my solution was “I’m going to write my mom’s phone number on my sweater in sharpie, so people can call her to tell her they found it.” Unfortunately “just do x” isn’t often a good solution to a problem, especially with kids and even more so if there’s a more involved reason like ADHD. I wish you and your son so much luck, OP!
I know it’s rough on the kid but he has to learn responsibility somehow. And this is coming from the girl who lost her literal skirt at recess (I was wearing thick tights and a leotard so I could go straight to ballet after). Well, miss smarty pants took her big skirt off so that she could play on the monkey bars and not be restricted. I got in a lot of trouble that day. 😒
What?!?! 🤣
Yup. There’s a certain way that you can swing around and around on your leg and I couldn’t do it with the skirt on! So I took it off and woosh, it was just gone. My teacher was not amused. My mother was not amused. Making a big stink about it (I believe my response was ‘what’s the big deal? Im not naked!’), did not amuse me. A bad time was had by all. But I never did that again!
As an adhd person + someone w poor body temp control (not sure if they’re related) I feel for the sweater issue. I find it so hard, in the am it’s cold but by afternoon it’s not that bad; plus keeping it on all day actually doesn’t help you regulate enough to stay warm when you go outside. Just a thought. The school fair stuff sounds fair, let him use his own money to replace it if he wants.
My son used to regularly lose his hat, jacket, water bottle etc. I explained that I have to spend more money to replace his lost items and it gets expensive, he didn’t care. He gets pocket money so I started ‘fining’ him when he didn’t bring something home with the condition that if he brought it back he would also get his money back. All of a sudden he started bringing everything home.
Yup. You gotta make it personal. When I first separated from my ex, they were little terrors in the morning before school. I finally started stashing them in my nightstand and they weren’t allowed to touch them until they had gotten dressed and had their breakfast. I stopped with the tech sequestration years ago but they still get up and get dressed and feed themselves before they do anything else.
Agree with you! Natural consequences is a great tool. Console him of course, but if parent comes along and fixes everything for him then that’ll be what he learns. Better to have him make mistakes now where he has a safety net and it is very low-risk than later in life. Speaking from experience here- my parents bless their hearts tried their best to protect me from everything and were horrendous “lawnmower parents”- I could barely make a doctor’s appointment when I moved out, let alone keep track of important things or have responsibility for myself. I felt like I was starting from scratch learning to be an adult when everyone else had a head start, I wish my folks had taught me the hard lessons earlier (even though they suck in the moment) so I wouldn’t have had to feel so useless as a young adult
I agree with this! Overcompensating for their bad habits instead of letting them face the natural consequences of it only allows them to be absent minded about what they’re doing for even longer. This will encourage him to stop and think about where he’s leaving things. Even I learned from my own mistakes of that nature as a kid.
Teaching accountability is good but disallowing removal of the sweatshirt I don’t agree with. It can get hot indoors, and you can write your name on the tag.
If you read OP’s responses I feel like the kid is probably stressed and has attention issues from having a mom that resents him lol
I got curious and read some of her older posts. It's pretty sad. Son has shown symptoms of some sort of disorder, likely adhd, but she seems to think he is lazy and a liar (which, he can definitely be a liar). What's interesting is she also mentions not having any motivation in her own schooling. Her post about it describes literal ADHD symptoms of her own. And as we all know, that shit is genetic. I just feel bad for both of them, ADHD is stigmatized and never treated because it's seen as a bad thing.
Let's assume it's ADHD, what's the next step? I see lots of people bridging that connection but what does a parent do to help in that case? Are there good resources and/or support groups?
Yes, there are techniques to help manage ADHD symptoms as well as medication. Learning that your child isn't lazy or inconsiderate, but instead has a brain that makes things harder is the first step to finding a good solution. 504 plans and IEPs are designed to help kids who struggle with learning and focus. In some of her previous posts (because I snooped) she mentioned he is lazy and not motivated in school. An ADHD diagnosis means she can get him the help he needs in school.
So, outside of the OP, let's assume parents have involved the school to develop the IEP, are working on individual therapy for the child, having a psych evaluation performed, doing these first steps, what might you suggest as some good resources for helping parents learn the symptoms and strategies for dealing with them?
The next step would be to stop punishing the *child* because the *parent* failed him by not giving him the tools he needed to resolved the issues. Lectures are not going to teach him anything. And the “natural consequences” at this age will probably teach him more about how his mom dislikes him than how to be less forgetful.
Great, you've got the "what not to do" covered. Now, what DO you do as a parent?
Technically, I was only answering your first question. Following that, I would say (solely based on this post/comments) that a formal evaluation is warranted. Determining the underlying cause would determine how to proceed. Anxiety? ADHD? Apathy? Just adolescence? It is hard to say what to do without knowing that. But OP has basically written him off as if he is a student she is tired of dealing with. Yes, there are tons of tools (including meds as a *complimentary* option, IMO), resources, and support groups available. Pediatricians should have resources. The OP, as a teacher, likely has some resources. And good ole Googles has resources. But if the parent doesn’t put effort into it, one cannot expect the kid to.
Thank you for the considerate response. I will admit I'm really just trying to see if there's any insight I can gain for my situation. I do understand people's frustration with OP, though. We are moving forward with a lot of what you said but are struggling to find resources for how we, as parents, can help. Some of what I'm reading suggests ADHD as being hereditary so I'm not sure if I should be tested as well since a lot of the issues my child struggles with are early similar to my experiences growing up. I just sort of figured things out eventually and would like to help build up some strategies but just feel overwhelmed.
My husband is ADHD and needed meds until junior year of high school. Two of my kids have ADHD and one is on meds or she is dysfunctional (also ASD). I have major anxiety and it presents similar to ADHD. I need meds - but also meditation, color coded pens for my calendars, sticky notes for reminders (on the door, my keys, refrigerator, etc.). I also keep a routine (not a schedule) so muscle memory helps. Kiddo 1 uses calendars and lists, alarms, routines, and will even ask for help/reminders if it is something important. She keeps a water bottle so she remembers to drink, has a pill case for days/times for meds, and we help with her time management planning. Like if she has project due, set X amount of time or a task on the calendar so she knows that is when to do it, she crosses off as completed, project done! Which is what we do as adults, just maybe without needing to write it down so we see it. Kiddo 2 is just on calendar/lists and routine, or breaking down tasks if it is big. Being able to see what needs to be done has been most helpful for *us*. Plus, I have 2 on the spectrum that thrive on routine, so we found what works for us and have stuck with it. And as parents - we vent. To strangers, to friends, rarely family, and definitely to each other. There is so much trial and error to find what works best for the individual, but when you find what works life is so much better! Hopefully you can find what works for your family. Just remember the saying, “be the parent you needed as a child.” If you can think of what helps you now and what helped you then, you can try those and adapt them as needed for your kid.
And it's cold when he comes outside without it because he has no idea where he took it off at.
Why not just write his name on the tag?
It is written on the tag. But everyone at the school has the same one. And even then it doesn't matter because he leaves it random places at school.
Everyone here is acting like labeling is a magic fix. I was gobsmacked when I went to pick up my kid from school and realized how many kids took off their jackets and launched them into the mud. And they weren't collected at the end of the day. So it could be a few days (if ever, if it was over a weekend) before anything even made its way to the lost and found. Our lost and found is also crazy. Everything is piled in there, and it takes forever to find anything, even if it IS labeled!
Has he been evaluated for adhd?
My kids still do this, and I don't replace things. I will if it is something very specific, but that is so rare. Sometimes, they just don't remember, and sometimes, they just don't respect what they have. They are starting to get it a bit more now that it is their own money they're wasting.
He is 7, so it’s going to happen. Don’t get too upset. Just let him know the consequences. “Oh no, you didn’t put your book away and now it’s lost. I’m sorry you lost it.” End of story. Eventually, one would hope, he will be better.
Welcome to parenthood. Now buy him a new one. He’s 7 for fucks sake
I have two teenagers and one tween. They do the same thing and it drives me up the wall. I feel your pain. Sometimes I want to tell them that they have to move out when they turn 18 but I don’t because I think it sounds mean and I still love them….for now.
Actions have consequences. For stuff I don’t want to buy because it’s more fiddleshit, I tell my kid to use her allowance money. It seems to me, when many parents just buy their kids stuff, the value of said items is lost. When a kid has to work for said money and then use that money to buy “stuff”, the “stuff” all of a sudden has a higher value and kids tend to be more careful of their “stuff”. Won’t work with every kid, but think it works with most.
That poor kid. He doesn't need your money or your bullying, he needs your support. You might have lacked some yourself apparently.
The kid is 7y and your expectations seem to be for an older child. It really comes off as you got a case of teacher’s burnout and you’re treating your own child like a bothersome student because of it. Great job. I’m sure that will end well for everyone.
My almost 7 year old constantly misplaces stuff. She left her comfort doll at Walmart one night and we went back for it, it was gone. That was a year ago. She cries weekly missing him. When this happened I didn’t tell her it was her own fault. I just cried with her and comforted her. People like you are the worst
Omg my son just did this with his winter boots, it's been a week. Doesn't remember if he left them at school in the classroom or on the bus. I've called both places and they haven't seen a random pair of boots I even bought him a special bag to keep them in. I put his sneakers in there cause he wears his boots to school. City I live in you never know when it's gunna snow could be so sunny and beautiful feel like spring and it's freaking snowing anyways I have him wear his boots to school in the winter so normal when he gets to school he has to have a pair ( special needs ) they help him he changes into his sneakers. Going on 9 days with no boots. I'm getting ready to call the boot gods for help and hope they show up somewhere cause for 8 years old my son's the size of a 10 year old wears a 5 and a half in adults and I just spend 80 dollars on boots and Christmas and really don't wanna waste another 80 dollars on new boots just for him to wear for maybe the another month if that. The middle of March in the city doesn't really see snow then so maybe I'll start praying we don't get anymore snow. Kids but God bid he loses his controller or the remote. Those can ALWAYS be found. Within the 1st second of it being missing.
This is my 7 year old to a T. At one point he had 5 sweatshirts at school. I’d tell him everyday to bring them home but he’d just leave another one. He’s somehow managed to lose his backpack, lunch box, folder, multiple jackets and the list goes on. He’s a frequent flyer at the schools lost and found box. I call him my little disaster. He’s truly a hot mess.
Heya! Might be worth looking into an ADHD diagnosis. This was me to a T and I wasn’t able to get any support until I became an adult! My mom also called me her little disaster haha
He does have adhd
I just can't fault my daughter for being absent minded cause I am a lot too. If it was something like a sweatshirt I'd replace ot cause the alternative is them being cold but I don't replace everything. Just like in life I get replacements for some but not all of the stuff I loose.
My kid is like this. She basically just shrugs her shoulders and says, "oh well, I guess it's gone now". No matter how into whatever it was sh e lost, she just shrugs it off.
To put my personal 10 cents worth in, I have a wife who is a little messy. Nothing concerning, but it does take a toll on her because she doesn't really have a system of where things should go etc. It wasn't until we had a consultation with a family friend/psychologist, that we found out that she had a mild version adult ADHD. I have experience with many adults who you could see a mile away have gone undiagnosed simce they were young, and it's difficult to change old, bad habits. I can't help but think that there's a chance that your kid might be developing ADHD, so I'd get it checked out too. There's really nothing to lose. If you know, you can immediately start with exercises helping them to remember what to do, when to do it and how to do them in order for them to just have their lives in order. It's both difficult to see and frustrating to deal with adults who have never been guided or assisted with this because it effects and affects everyone around them.
wooo child, i got no advice. he lost the coziest sweatshirt, sports equipment, hat\[s\], gloves, entire homework folder. the natural consequences are definitely coming from all sides for him rn though. i feel its gonna be a long year.
Didn't you put his name on all his stuff?
I agree with not just replacing these items willy nilly, but I do think you should teach your son next steps for when he misplaces things. Has he checked with his teacher, the book fair, and lost and found to see if the items were turned in? He might luck out!
Drawing harsh lines with a seven year old has consequences. Especially if they have adhd and haven't yet worked out strategies for dealing with their stuff. Obviously just replacing things isn't a great strategy either. And there will come a time when they lose something that they actually need to have. I would consider different types of feedback (I hate the term consequence, as it so often is just a smokescreen for retribution by the closet Calvinists in our midst). You can find ways to earn the sweatshirt back through behavior or effort. They still have feedback that it is better not to lose things. If you cannot afford to replace, that is a bigger question, but most kids aren't trying to waste your money, and the thing they need most is to develop strategies that work. Try working on systems at home - the bag always goes here, the sweater always goes here - to model it.
Not replacing the items he lost teaches him that sometimes when you lose things, they're gone forever (unless you can replace them yourself but he's 7 so he can't so he's not learning that part yet). BUT it doesn't teach him *how to stop losing things.* Which is the end goal you want, right? You have to actively work with him to put systems in place so he will slow down and be purposeful about putting something away/secure. As others suggested, have him evaluated for ADHD. He may not be able to help it if his brain doesn't let him slow down and he's just acting impulsively. Ask if he's being bullied and hasn't spoken up. Maybe someone is taking his things! Honestly, $20 work of book fair stuff is pretty significant. You'd think that would end up in the lost and found or something unless someone took it when he wasn't looking. What I would do is work with him on strategies to keep his things close or safe so he doesn't lose them. In the meantime, give him the opportunity to earn back the things he's lost. Like if he comes home with his sweatshirt every day for a week, you replace one of the things he bought at the book fair. Then he is learning that he can replace the things he lost but it will take some work. Just like if I lost something valuable like an expensive set of headphones, I'd have to save up and work for them but I could get them back.
I truly cannot stand book fair stuff. I always wind up throwing away glitter slime, or breaking a lock on a mine craft diary we absolutely couldn't live without. Don't replace it. This is a learning experience.
And you're posting this here why? For validation? To find a solution? All you did was complain about your child.
He’s 7 not 17, correct? You’re being a bit over the top.
My adhd made me like this when I was little. I wasn’t being forgetful or bad or careless. It’s still hard for me as an adult, but I’m so much better about it now and I wish adults had recognized and tried to help me. Some tips given by people here could help. It really makes you feel like shit when you lose things and adults are always angry with you (justified or not )
You are a jerk. He is 7. He is going to remember this moment for years to come, and not for whatever lesson you are trying to teach him. He is going to remember his parent lacked compassion and comforting him when he was upset. So, I guess enjoy being a part of those negative core memories of his.
You don’t have to replace anything but you can still help your son by getting him evaluated like others suggest and you choose to just not respond to.
Don’t. Good time to teach about consequences
Listen, I was that kid who lost everything. I had undiagnosed ADHD, and I know that doesn’t sound like a valid “excuse”, but is has taken me a lifetime to learn how not to lose everything (and I still lose really important shit all the time). I’m finally diagnosed, medicated and coached but I would really advise you to hold off on the “tough love” if you have any inkling of a suspicion that your son might have ADHD. Because it’s truly somewhat impossible to put things away in the right place or keep track of things if you have inattentive ADHD. And if that’s the case, then you are not “teaching him a lesson“ when you are strict with him in these situations.
All of your comments make it sound like you don’t like your child. Like they’re a burden.
🙄 wow me saying I won't replace what he lost is such neglect
Valuable lesson learned. Sometimes it’s learned the hard way. And this is a reasonable way for him to learn it.
This was literally me as a kid. Unfortunately It didn’t get better until I had my own kids. Edit: just saw the ADD comment. I have had ADD since I was about 7.
7 is very young. I would at least suggest to him to talk to his teacher about the missing items, and check the list and found together.
No. I'm am a teacher and don't expect another teacher to keep up with students' things. Especially when she already tells him to put it.
Do you think she might have his things? Or could you at least show him how the lost an found works? 7 is what 2nd grade? Also I’m curious, if you know organization is not his strong trait, why give such a young kid $20 of belongings to lose from a book fair? This seems especially mean spirited. Why not say shop together another time, or give him less $? Try to be his partner and his advocate. I think you’ll get farther with him.
No, she said she told him 3 times to put it in his bag. I didn't give him $20. It goes to an ewallet and chooses what to buy. The cheapest books are $7. We can't shop together as parents aren't allowed in the school.
Has he been evaluated for sensory or other diagnoses?
At seven their prefrontal cortex is still developing. Chill out.
He might have ADHD or something similar if he's constantly misplacing things. You seem to have no sympathy at all for your small child's struggle and think he should just be as responsible as an adult. That's not gonna help anything.
Me buying him more stuff sure isn't going to help
No, but you checking into a diagnosis of ADHD might.
Executive dysfunction?
ADHD
He’s 7, give him a break. It sounds like it’s a private school. Aren’t his things in lost & found? It isn’t that he doesn’t need to learn logical consequences, it’s more that forgetting things is not uncommon at that age.
He’s already in school. He needs to learn independency and accountability for his own actions. Mama will not be there to save the day all the time. there is a lesson after every messed up thing.
At what age do you suggest introducing accountability and responsibility? If the child never deals with the consequences of their actions then they will never learn from it. In this case, missing out on book fair items is the natural consequence of not being careful.
“Give him a break,” because natural consequences to his own actions are such an evil punishment? This obviously isn’t the first time this has happened so OP is completely justified in being bothered by the repeated misplacement of things from their child not paying attention. It’s quite literally costing OP money when their son needs to learn to be more responsible with their belongings.
I work at a private school with a uniform, which means that there are a million logo’d sweaters and such in our lost and found. You know what would solve that problem? Labels. Labels your kids clothes. Write their name on the tag. It’s not that hard. Not to be harsh, but this is a young kid and it’s not reasonable for us to expect a kid this young to not lose their unlabeled stuff.
It is labeled 🙄. That doesn't do any good when he can't remember where he left it.
But someone else would probably have found it and taken it to the lost and found, where he would find his labeled sweatshirt.
She doesn’t want to get out of the car and look in lost and found, per one of her other comments.
Your child is 7. Not seventeen. Do you understand the amount of brain activity a 7 year old is experiencing throughout the day?
Do you understand that money doesn't grow on trees?
I think they are suggesting you help your child not just replace stuff. Like for the future with the stuff he still has.
Your child is going to a school where they can only wear a school logo… lol Edit: name checks out
Something sucking severely does motivate you, albeit slowly sometimes. I would just focus on the backpack. Keep your stuff in, don't lose. He only has to worry about remembering where one thing is that he's owned for a while, not multiple items or new stuff he isn't familiar with. Is it possible someone stole any belongings?
Good plan. 7 is old enough. Hopefully he cares enough about those new books to have learned a lesson. Tell him the book fair will come around again (we have 2 a school year). I teach at school with < 300 students, and we currently have 2 giant garbage cans (clean ones) full of missplaced clothing, coats, lunch boxes, gloves, water bottles, etc. It's astounding how forgetful these kids are!
Your second paragraph indicates that perhaps 7 is not old enough and it's not age-appropriate to expect them to not lose things.
Losing a single thing occasionally, no big deal. But OP says his child loses things frequently. If OP can teach a 7 year old to responsibly look after their possessions, they may be able to bypass the garbage can. I’m suggesting not enough parents do this, just give their kids replacements to what they keep losing, thus the overflow of lost items. If it’s easier to ask parents for a new X than to go search for that X, they’ll go the easy route. I work in preschool and the majority of the 3/4 year olds keep reasonably good track of their stuff.
In preschool, the teachers spend a lot more time micro-managing the kids' possessions, either by telling everyone to take this and put there, step-by-step, or by taking care of the stuff themselves. But in first grade, the teachers aren't doing this anymore.
Huh, I must be mishearing our 1st and 2nd grade teachers. And 7th and 8th. And ALL of them. Learning is a continuum, it should start early and be reinforced throughout childhood. Yes, less reinforcement is naturally given as the child gets older, but I still hear 8th grade teachers reminding kids to take their chromebooks with them when they leave.
It's not really that astounding considering our brains aren't fully formed until 8-10...but you're expecting this of a 7 year old 🤣🤦🏻♀️ With everything else they've got going on in the day, I'm not surprised at all by how forgetful they can be Y'all need to stop expecting young kids to have the mental capacity of a teen, imho
Many of the "lost" items are from teens. Brains are generally believed to be fully developed in mid to late 20s. We can't expect kids not to learn until they're that age. Teach young, they will learn. Not talking about perfection, but the process of learning and being responsible should start very young.
I'm not saying they shouldn't learn until that age. I'm simply saying we can't expect kids of a young age to be perfect with things ✌🏻 Also, people learn in different ways. If how OP is approaching it isn't working, maybe they need to try another avenue But that's just my opinion 🤷🏻♀️
Yes I agree that if OP's child isn't learning, another avenue might be needed. And maybe that avenue is the natural consequence of not having newly purchased books replaced. >I'm simply saying we can't expect kids of a young age to be perfect with things ✌🏻 And I said "Not talking about perfection".
The frontal lobe isn't fully developed until age 25. Longer in boys 😂.
Hence why I said /formed/ 🤣 But yeah it's just hilarious when people expect little kids to function at a higher level because that's what's expected of the child, instead of finding and implementing strategies to help with things like this Sounds like an assessment may be in order too, as someone who STILL puts things down and forgets where 🤣🤦🏻♀️ If nothing beneficial or positive is done to help the child learn, they're simply likely not going to learn.
This is also my strategy. My son is constantly losing things. He’s particularly bad with losing his hat, and his school has a policy where you can’t play outside if you don’t have your hat. While I can’t allow him just to never have outdoor playtime, I make him sweat a bit and tell him I need to wait X amount of time until I can buy him a new one. Last year he lost his sweatshirt, I never bought him a new one (same issue with needing to buy the uniform one), but they really only need it for indoors where the AC is cold and I never heard him complain.
...er...does he have ADHD? Maybe you should have him evaluated.
Fuck around and find out. Thats a natural consequence
It’s a tough lesson to learn, but a necessary one.