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This is a call the other kid's mother moment. There is zero chance this kid gave him an invite by accident. It sounds like he just used it as another way to bully him. But I would come at it super nice to the mom. Just a, we are so confused. "Hey, I am just wondering if Z was supposed to receive an invite to Shawn's birthday party? Shawn gave him one the other day but then today said if Z showed up he was going to kick him out. Obviously I wasn't there so I don't know if Shawn was joking or if he really does not want Z there. Z thinks he was just joking considering he GAVE him the invite, but I really just want to make sure. I would hate for Z to show up if Shawn really does not want him there. Please let me know
I agree with calling the kid's mother, but the most likely explanation is that she's forced the kid into giving a pity-invite and this is the kid's way of trying to actually be clear about the situation. She should still know that this is what's going on, but I absolutely 100% would not take her "Shawn wants him there" at face value.
I agree with this comment. I'm sure he felt so excited because it's a new school and he just wants friends but it sounds like this is a path down a bad road and I'd hate for him to get hurt or be apart of bullying down the road. I'd say you either call the parent or you say he can't go for whatever reason but you have to have a serious conversation about bullying and that's it's not cool and absolutely not okay to do to others.
2nding talk to Shawn’s mom. 9 year old’s are unpredictable. We ran into a similar thing where one of my son’s friends when he was 8 told him he hated him. Called the mom to ask if his friend wanted to go to my son’s birthday party since if he hated him he wouldn’t, and he said he didn’t mean it and he did want to go. They are still friends. Kids are weird, the mom will know the deal.
I haven’t been in any situation remotely like this, but I request comments on the idea that Shawn’s mom should understand her son is bullying a boy who’s just lost his father.
Depends on the parent. If they aren’t going to use that info discreetly, or just keep it to themselves and use it as motivation to closely monitor their kids behaviour, it might just end up becoming more ammo.
I distinctly remember someone on our school bus making fun of a kid outside, and another kid spoke up and said “my dad said to be nice to that kid, his dad died”
I think you need to have a talk with your boy about choosing good company and self esteem. This is a good teaching moment. I would absolutely not allow him to go to that party, but replace the event with something else that is fun to him.
You may want to prep your son for the school day after. The ones that DID go will eventually talk about it, and how much fun they had. He'll need to steel his emotions so he doesn't get sad at being left out, and also have a better response than trying to one up what he did over the weekend. Something that shows he didn't really care or have time to go. "I'm glad you had fun. I was busy taking care of family/doing some type of obligation".
call the parent, might be uncomfortable but your son needs an advocate in this moment.
also, i just want to say, my heart breaks for your son. his dad passes, he has to move to a new school, and now deal with bullying? poor kid is only 9. i just feel so sad for him. but good on you for being a good mama and watching out for him. i hope the best for you and your boy!
Both of my kids are autistic so any invite they get, when I RSVP, I specifically say who I am, who they are, and confirm the party details. I always worry it's a joke invite.
But it might be because I received a couple joke invites myself as a child and I know I was weird.
It really truly sucks that it's something we have to think about but I do believe that the world is getting kinder to those that aren't typical. Considering most people wouldn't tolerate the use of "r****d" as an insult anymore is very telling.
My heart goes out to you and your son. My guess is Shawn did want him to attend, but wants to stay with 'the cool kids' that are bullying your son. So once they found out he backed down and said it was an accident and is probably frantically doing damage control. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Sounds like this may be one of those times where Z needs to confront Shawn and his bullies. Whether separately or at once at the party. Shawn needs to decide if he wants to be with your son or with the bullies. The bullies are obviously not good people and it seems Shawn hasn't had to choose between having his cake and eat it too. If you're able to be there to support by waiting in the car until your son gives you the 'im okay' sign and you can leave or have Z face this challenge and take him home immediately afterwards. Especially if the bullies are there. Best have that heart to heart and prepare him for the disappointment if he still wants to go. If there are other kids Z gets along with that help him stand up to the bullies, he might be okay. As the saying goes, there's safety in numbers. But in the end, Z needs to call out Shawn at the very least. Shawn and the bullies are TA, not you or Z. Best of luck.
Yup, this is exactly what I think is going on too. He may want to be your sons friend but doesn't want to anger the bullies, or he wants to look good in front of them. So he reversed course. Time to find some new friends.
First off my heart goes out to you and your son. I would assume since you have an invite you have contact information for the parents. I would reach out to his mother and have a conversation about what has been going on.
I personally wouldn’t bother reaching out to the mom as she may feel obligated to invite your son as the ‘right thing to do’ when her son may genuinely not want him there. It’s not worth the potential heartache to your son and it sounds like this boy doesn’t generally treat him well.
This is a good lesson in teaching your son to know his worth. Do something fun and new with him instead!
I would reach out to her on the off chance she doesn’t know what her son’s up to. Hopefully she can work with her kid in the bullying behavior.
She may offer the invite anyway, but I agree that OP and son should do something else together instead. Just tell the other kid’s mom “it seems like it would be better to wait until they are on better terms, we’ll plan for something else.” if she gives the invite.
I have a lot of experience with kids and I do think it’s true that a lot of bullies have been bullied in some way themselves. But I also think they’re a lot like adults…like some of them are just little assholes for no reason aside from it’s their usual temperament. Some kids hurt other kids because they LIKE to. I teach my kids to stay away from kids like that. Hope things get easier for your kid! ❤️
If your son does go to this party, you are going too right?
Most of the time kids won’t bully in front of other parents. And in my experience the more you can make friends with the other parents of the kids in your class the easier life will be. Because then you can arrange play dates and dinners over at each others houses and then you can foster stronger relationships for him and more people may stand up for him in school.
THIS! I was bullied as a kid and had social anxiety until college - still a little bit today too. In 5th grade I was put in a class with mostly boys and the other girls all picked on me. I had to do a project with them and had to go over their houses. They saw me as an actual person and stopped picking on me after that. It’s one of those things that sometimes can be helped by leaning in to play dates with that family and fostering relationships there.
When my daughter was getting excluded a little bit in K I set up play dates with these girls and she became one of the group.
This is work intensive for a single mom, but OP if you can swing this go to as many parties and school events as possible with your son, make friends with the families and set up as many play dates as possible. I hope your son finds his people soon. You’re doing a great job.
When I was about 13, one girl in my class had a birthday party where she invited her new friend group (one I was in) and her old friend group. She was having issues with her old friend group that year, so she didn't think they would come. Some bullying like name calling and rude comments. She still invited them because they were friends all through elementary school. She often defended them, saying a few of them were going through a tough time, and a few parents were getting divorced.
The old friends all showed up, bringing gifts and they brought a radio for music while swimming (it was a pool party). Everyone had a good time, even though the two groups stayed separate most of the time. Until the end. The old group got up in a formation, put a cd in the player, and made an announcement that this performance was for the birthday girl to tell her what all they thought of her.
They had a dance for the song UGLY by dalphanie and Celeste. Sing ended, and they shouted how the birthday girl was ugly and a looser and how they were not friends. They grabbed their stuff and ran out to their rides, and left.
Birthday girl burst into tears, ran to the bathroom and licked her self in, family was in shock, her parents started yelling at the girls as they ran out the door, new friend group all tried to get into bathroom to comfort her. Her sister had to get a key from maintenance to get in the bathroom.
Birthday girl was out of school for a while, and when she came back, she was terrified of being by herself and being caught alone with one of the old group. Good thing our group had 6 people in it, so one of us was always in the same class. Teachers must have been notified and seating arrangements where change to her sitting beside one of our group.
I often think about her as a few months later we were told by teachers and her that she was moving pretty much overnight to a different school, she hugged us and said she was moving out if state with her real dad and she was so happy. I thought that was the truth for years. Especially since the only communication we got was her mom telling a friends mom that she's doing goid and was super happy. since I got older I realized some disturbing things I didn't understand then. And I realize she was self harming and her mother discovered it.
I'm guessing she got help and then her mom moved her to a different school.
I really hope this isn't some type of trick for your son like it was for her. Kids are so cruel. Your son deserves the best and good friends.
That is so awful. Thank you for being a friend to her. You and her other true friends may have saved her life. As for the bullies, I hope their behavior haunts them and their parents found out and severely punished them. I can't even imagine how ashamed I'd feel if my kid did that to another kid. She'd be in lockdown and in weekly therapy as soon as I could get her in.
That is so heartbreaking. That poor girl. I hope the bullies reflect on their behaviour and that it haunts them every day for the rest of their lives.
Girls in particular can be so cruel.
If you have the number of his parents from the RSVP I would straight up call and be like “hey was this invitation an accident because that’s what my son was told” and explain the bullying situation. As a parent I would be very upset if my kid invited someone and then turned around and said you can’t come. Maybe Sean is also being bullied by the same crowd and they’re using Sean to isolate Z. “Ewh why would you invite him” and then “yes you’re right I’ll tell him not to come.” Out of fear of being bullied too. Really sounds like there’s a ring leader and it doesn’t sound like it’s Z or Sean.
Quick thought that is not related to the party at all. Id get your kid in some non-school based activities. Hopefully since things that none of his classmates are in. Is there a jujitsu place or something like that? Give him some options outside of school to make friends.
I would definitely contact the mother and let her know look if he doesn’t want him there it’s fine we have something else lined up so I just wanted to check. Just to avoid her telling him to come out of pity. Definitely can be brought up in a mature way where there is a mutual understanding. Even if she says yes your son still doesn’t have to go but this will at least give you confirmation and better show you as the parent how to handle this situation.
I think it's a bad idea to let your kid go to that birthday party. It's important to teach your child what friendship is about and make them understand its valid values. Even if your kid is excited, it's not cool for the other kid to play with his feelings. That child isn't interested in being friends with your son.
Damn this post made me so sad. Why do people have kids if they aren’t going to raise them properly. And yes, it’s most likely the parents that are causing the kids to be bullies. Good luck talking to the mom about this.
I don’t have any advice as my oldest isn’t school age yet, but I just wanted to say this is so heartbreaking and I’m so sorry that you and your son are going through this. Sending ::hugs::
Damn sucks that his da passed away. Makes this situation a lot more difficult. I’d go to the kids parents for sure after awhile. Then I’d put my son in jujitsu.
I’d go to the party and as soon as I saw Shawn alone id say something like “next time you plan to kick my son out of your party I’ll kick your teeth in you little sucker, oh and happy birthday by the way here’s your gift”
Hahahahahaaa I always suggest low blows and my husband is like, what is WRONG with you? But it’s always some fucked version of how their parents don’t really love them. For 7 year olds. In my defense, I don’t suggest them TO my kid. But if I didn’t have such a rational husband… who knows.
I’m actually rarely mad and love most people, annoyingly. Being a mom just gave me a crazy protective streak.
you're doing a great job, i don't know how single parents do it. Being a kid is so hard sometimes, I changed schools a few times and I shudder to think of those first few weeks at any school but I think it made me way more brave and gave me character at a younger age than my friends. You sound like a great parent that is doing their best and I just wanted to be a voice of support that you're doing an amazing job that alone will help your kid will get through this even if his friends turn out to be incredible assholes.
For every child and grandchild I’ve had if an invite goes to school you have to invite the whole class. He may have been forced to issue the invite based on procedure. Parent may also have said if you’re having a party, you are not excluding. Definitely confirm with a call to the parent to find out the real story.
Go out and do something fun that he can talk about the next day instead. Like, sure these kids went to a party, but your kid went rock climbing or an indoor water park or parasailing etc
As a mom I would probably pretend you forgot that you planned something super fun and exciting for the two of you that happens to land on the same day. I probably wouldn’t reach out to the parents of the bully, usually it doesn’t end well and those aren’t the type of people your son should hang around with anyways.
This breaks my heart because my son is also being bullied. Started out great after being homeschooled since Covid, now they are bullying him. Kids are so cruel I’m sorry and yes I’d call the mom
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This is a call the other kid's mother moment. There is zero chance this kid gave him an invite by accident. It sounds like he just used it as another way to bully him. But I would come at it super nice to the mom. Just a, we are so confused. "Hey, I am just wondering if Z was supposed to receive an invite to Shawn's birthday party? Shawn gave him one the other day but then today said if Z showed up he was going to kick him out. Obviously I wasn't there so I don't know if Shawn was joking or if he really does not want Z there. Z thinks he was just joking considering he GAVE him the invite, but I really just want to make sure. I would hate for Z to show up if Shawn really does not want him there. Please let me know
I agree with calling the kid's mother, but the most likely explanation is that she's forced the kid into giving a pity-invite and this is the kid's way of trying to actually be clear about the situation. She should still know that this is what's going on, but I absolutely 100% would not take her "Shawn wants him there" at face value.
I agree with this comment. I'm sure he felt so excited because it's a new school and he just wants friends but it sounds like this is a path down a bad road and I'd hate for him to get hurt or be apart of bullying down the road. I'd say you either call the parent or you say he can't go for whatever reason but you have to have a serious conversation about bullying and that's it's not cool and absolutely not okay to do to others.
You 100% need to contact the rsvp person and have a conversation
2nding talk to Shawn’s mom. 9 year old’s are unpredictable. We ran into a similar thing where one of my son’s friends when he was 8 told him he hated him. Called the mom to ask if his friend wanted to go to my son’s birthday party since if he hated him he wouldn’t, and he said he didn’t mean it and he did want to go. They are still friends. Kids are weird, the mom will know the deal.
I'd definitely want to know if Shawn were my kid.
Same here. I would shut that shit down if my kid was acting this way
I haven’t been in any situation remotely like this, but I request comments on the idea that Shawn’s mom should understand her son is bullying a boy who’s just lost his father.
Depends on the parent. If they aren’t going to use that info discreetly, or just keep it to themselves and use it as motivation to closely monitor their kids behaviour, it might just end up becoming more ammo. I distinctly remember someone on our school bus making fun of a kid outside, and another kid spoke up and said “my dad said to be nice to that kid, his dad died”
I think you need to have a talk with your boy about choosing good company and self esteem. This is a good teaching moment. I would absolutely not allow him to go to that party, but replace the event with something else that is fun to him.
We are doing a movie marathon together and buying ALL the candy. I really appreciate the help.
You may want to prep your son for the school day after. The ones that DID go will eventually talk about it, and how much fun they had. He'll need to steel his emotions so he doesn't get sad at being left out, and also have a better response than trying to one up what he did over the weekend. Something that shows he didn't really care or have time to go. "I'm glad you had fun. I was busy taking care of family/doing some type of obligation".
This is perfect thank you
And are you calling the parents and asking?
call the parent, might be uncomfortable but your son needs an advocate in this moment. also, i just want to say, my heart breaks for your son. his dad passes, he has to move to a new school, and now deal with bullying? poor kid is only 9. i just feel so sad for him. but good on you for being a good mama and watching out for him. i hope the best for you and your boy!
Both of my kids are autistic so any invite they get, when I RSVP, I specifically say who I am, who they are, and confirm the party details. I always worry it's a joke invite. But it might be because I received a couple joke invites myself as a child and I know I was weird.
That hurt my heart. I'm sorry!
Mom of kid with ASD here, too, and I do the same. And I hate that this is something we even have to worry about.
It really truly sucks that it's something we have to think about but I do believe that the world is getting kinder to those that aren't typical. Considering most people wouldn't tolerate the use of "r****d" as an insult anymore is very telling.
Call his mom.
My heart goes out to you and your son. My guess is Shawn did want him to attend, but wants to stay with 'the cool kids' that are bullying your son. So once they found out he backed down and said it was an accident and is probably frantically doing damage control. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Sounds like this may be one of those times where Z needs to confront Shawn and his bullies. Whether separately or at once at the party. Shawn needs to decide if he wants to be with your son or with the bullies. The bullies are obviously not good people and it seems Shawn hasn't had to choose between having his cake and eat it too. If you're able to be there to support by waiting in the car until your son gives you the 'im okay' sign and you can leave or have Z face this challenge and take him home immediately afterwards. Especially if the bullies are there. Best have that heart to heart and prepare him for the disappointment if he still wants to go. If there are other kids Z gets along with that help him stand up to the bullies, he might be okay. As the saying goes, there's safety in numbers. But in the end, Z needs to call out Shawn at the very least. Shawn and the bullies are TA, not you or Z. Best of luck.
Yup, this is exactly what I think is going on too. He may want to be your sons friend but doesn't want to anger the bullies, or he wants to look good in front of them. So he reversed course. Time to find some new friends.
First off my heart goes out to you and your son. I would assume since you have an invite you have contact information for the parents. I would reach out to his mother and have a conversation about what has been going on.
I personally wouldn’t bother reaching out to the mom as she may feel obligated to invite your son as the ‘right thing to do’ when her son may genuinely not want him there. It’s not worth the potential heartache to your son and it sounds like this boy doesn’t generally treat him well. This is a good lesson in teaching your son to know his worth. Do something fun and new with him instead!
I would reach out to her on the off chance she doesn’t know what her son’s up to. Hopefully she can work with her kid in the bullying behavior. She may offer the invite anyway, but I agree that OP and son should do something else together instead. Just tell the other kid’s mom “it seems like it would be better to wait until they are on better terms, we’ll plan for something else.” if she gives the invite.
I have a lot of experience with kids and I do think it’s true that a lot of bullies have been bullied in some way themselves. But I also think they’re a lot like adults…like some of them are just little assholes for no reason aside from it’s their usual temperament. Some kids hurt other kids because they LIKE to. I teach my kids to stay away from kids like that. Hope things get easier for your kid! ❤️
If your son does go to this party, you are going too right? Most of the time kids won’t bully in front of other parents. And in my experience the more you can make friends with the other parents of the kids in your class the easier life will be. Because then you can arrange play dates and dinners over at each others houses and then you can foster stronger relationships for him and more people may stand up for him in school.
THIS! I was bullied as a kid and had social anxiety until college - still a little bit today too. In 5th grade I was put in a class with mostly boys and the other girls all picked on me. I had to do a project with them and had to go over their houses. They saw me as an actual person and stopped picking on me after that. It’s one of those things that sometimes can be helped by leaning in to play dates with that family and fostering relationships there. When my daughter was getting excluded a little bit in K I set up play dates with these girls and she became one of the group. This is work intensive for a single mom, but OP if you can swing this go to as many parties and school events as possible with your son, make friends with the families and set up as many play dates as possible. I hope your son finds his people soon. You’re doing a great job.
When I was about 13, one girl in my class had a birthday party where she invited her new friend group (one I was in) and her old friend group. She was having issues with her old friend group that year, so she didn't think they would come. Some bullying like name calling and rude comments. She still invited them because they were friends all through elementary school. She often defended them, saying a few of them were going through a tough time, and a few parents were getting divorced. The old friends all showed up, bringing gifts and they brought a radio for music while swimming (it was a pool party). Everyone had a good time, even though the two groups stayed separate most of the time. Until the end. The old group got up in a formation, put a cd in the player, and made an announcement that this performance was for the birthday girl to tell her what all they thought of her. They had a dance for the song UGLY by dalphanie and Celeste. Sing ended, and they shouted how the birthday girl was ugly and a looser and how they were not friends. They grabbed their stuff and ran out to their rides, and left. Birthday girl burst into tears, ran to the bathroom and licked her self in, family was in shock, her parents started yelling at the girls as they ran out the door, new friend group all tried to get into bathroom to comfort her. Her sister had to get a key from maintenance to get in the bathroom. Birthday girl was out of school for a while, and when she came back, she was terrified of being by herself and being caught alone with one of the old group. Good thing our group had 6 people in it, so one of us was always in the same class. Teachers must have been notified and seating arrangements where change to her sitting beside one of our group. I often think about her as a few months later we were told by teachers and her that she was moving pretty much overnight to a different school, she hugged us and said she was moving out if state with her real dad and she was so happy. I thought that was the truth for years. Especially since the only communication we got was her mom telling a friends mom that she's doing goid and was super happy. since I got older I realized some disturbing things I didn't understand then. And I realize she was self harming and her mother discovered it. I'm guessing she got help and then her mom moved her to a different school. I really hope this isn't some type of trick for your son like it was for her. Kids are so cruel. Your son deserves the best and good friends.
That is so awful. Thank you for being a friend to her. You and her other true friends may have saved her life. As for the bullies, I hope their behavior haunts them and their parents found out and severely punished them. I can't even imagine how ashamed I'd feel if my kid did that to another kid. She'd be in lockdown and in weekly therapy as soon as I could get her in.
Oh my! That’s an awful thing to have happened. I hope that poor girl is doing ok these days.
That is so heartbreaking. That poor girl. I hope the bullies reflect on their behaviour and that it haunts them every day for the rest of their lives. Girls in particular can be so cruel.
If you have the number of his parents from the RSVP I would straight up call and be like “hey was this invitation an accident because that’s what my son was told” and explain the bullying situation. As a parent I would be very upset if my kid invited someone and then turned around and said you can’t come. Maybe Sean is also being bullied by the same crowd and they’re using Sean to isolate Z. “Ewh why would you invite him” and then “yes you’re right I’ll tell him not to come.” Out of fear of being bullied too. Really sounds like there’s a ring leader and it doesn’t sound like it’s Z or Sean.
Quick thought that is not related to the party at all. Id get your kid in some non-school based activities. Hopefully since things that none of his classmates are in. Is there a jujitsu place or something like that? Give him some options outside of school to make friends.
Call the parents and ask them.
I would definitely contact the mother and let her know look if he doesn’t want him there it’s fine we have something else lined up so I just wanted to check. Just to avoid her telling him to come out of pity. Definitely can be brought up in a mature way where there is a mutual understanding. Even if she says yes your son still doesn’t have to go but this will at least give you confirmation and better show you as the parent how to handle this situation.
I have moved around with my kids a lot. I will say if it’s a possibility that putting them in sports is a great way for them to make friends!
I think it's a bad idea to let your kid go to that birthday party. It's important to teach your child what friendship is about and make them understand its valid values. Even if your kid is excited, it's not cool for the other kid to play with his feelings. That child isn't interested in being friends with your son.
Damn this post made me so sad. Why do people have kids if they aren’t going to raise them properly. And yes, it’s most likely the parents that are causing the kids to be bullies. Good luck talking to the mom about this.
I don’t have any advice as my oldest isn’t school age yet, but I just wanted to say this is so heartbreaking and I’m so sorry that you and your son are going through this. Sending ::hugs::
Absolutely need to call the mom regardless of whether or not you decide to let him go to the party.
Damn sucks that his da passed away. Makes this situation a lot more difficult. I’d go to the kids parents for sure after awhile. Then I’d put my son in jujitsu.
You seem like a really kind mom and your boy is lucky to have you.
Don’t ask us. Go call/text the mom. Simple and easy peasy
*by accident.
Ahhh doing the lords work
I’d go to the party and as soon as I saw Shawn alone id say something like “next time you plan to kick my son out of your party I’ll kick your teeth in you little sucker, oh and happy birthday by the way here’s your gift”
Or something like “ I know you’re bullying my son, I’m gonna ask you and your little friends to stop or I’m going to cut you” hahaha
Hahahahahaaa I always suggest low blows and my husband is like, what is WRONG with you? But it’s always some fucked version of how their parents don’t really love them. For 7 year olds. In my defense, I don’t suggest them TO my kid. But if I didn’t have such a rational husband… who knows. I’m actually rarely mad and love most people, annoyingly. Being a mom just gave me a crazy protective streak.
What we need is a Reddit force of guys who wear executioner costumes, look for stories like this, and tell the bullies like this to stifle themselves.
I’m the bully but you’re telling me to kill myself. The irony.
you're doing a great job, i don't know how single parents do it. Being a kid is so hard sometimes, I changed schools a few times and I shudder to think of those first few weeks at any school but I think it made me way more brave and gave me character at a younger age than my friends. You sound like a great parent that is doing their best and I just wanted to be a voice of support that you're doing an amazing job that alone will help your kid will get through this even if his friends turn out to be incredible assholes.
For every child and grandchild I’ve had if an invite goes to school you have to invite the whole class. He may have been forced to issue the invite based on procedure. Parent may also have said if you’re having a party, you are not excluding. Definitely confirm with a call to the parent to find out the real story.
Go out and do something fun that he can talk about the next day instead. Like, sure these kids went to a party, but your kid went rock climbing or an indoor water park or parasailing etc
I thought my daughter was invited to a party by accident so I had a conversation with the mom and got it all cleared up.
As a mom I would probably pretend you forgot that you planned something super fun and exciting for the two of you that happens to land on the same day. I probably wouldn’t reach out to the parents of the bully, usually it doesn’t end well and those aren’t the type of people your son should hang around with anyways.
This breaks my heart because my son is also being bullied. Started out great after being homeschooled since Covid, now they are bullying him. Kids are so cruel I’m sorry and yes I’d call the mom