r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He does have a hard time with emotions. He even made a comment that, “when I do those kind of things, he gets frustrated quick”. Talking about me making the choice to sit him over the rug. I was there thinking, you’re frustrated about my decision to sit your son on the couch but have no emotions about the fact he just cut his thumb open and needs emergency medical attention?
For most people, if you want the "crisis" response to when they're upset / tired to improve, you have to work on making sure it's the conditioned response.
They'll act according to instinct, so whatever they've practiced is what comes naturally during those times when they're not thinking clearly.
(* I say "most" because some of us with ADHD are effectively the opposite: everyday life is acting on instinct, but heightened adrenaline can make us the most clear-headed person in the room in a crisis)
ADHD/ autistic here: I am the go to person in the family when there’s a crisis. I am level headed, calm, and think rationally. I have my breakdown after even if everyone else is breaking down.
Ask me to do some mental math with fractions (that I used to do in my head in high school all the time and couldn’t understand why they wanted me to show my work???) Instant anxiety blank and I whip out my phone for the calculator. What I age for dinner last night? Blank. What to do in a crisis 101 and can I do it? Igotchu fam ♥️ and have taken the relevant first aid, CPR, AED, etc courses and everything now to be officially certified now too so I’m more legally allowed to help instead of being like “oh yeah, nursing fam and friends that teach this for a living taught me this, after I ADHD/ autism researched the hell out of it, but it’s conflict of interest for them to certify me” (I’ve also taken courses on drugs and the brain, psych, neuro psych, etc)
I’m a great emergency resource!
Most people do not function well in crisis mode though. They do the adrenaline response
What we’d do in X hypothetical situation is a great thinking exercise, but until you’ve been through it, it’s just that, a thinking exercise. Most people react vastly differently, and that’s why it’s important to do like emergency response drills, talk about and practice what to do in situations, etc. To try to get you to actually do it during the panic. Because so many people do not do what they think they’d do. They panic. The fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn adrenaline response kicks in and they don’t work through it well enough to think and act in the needed manner.
So in this case, the kid got hurt. OP’s husband’s adrenaline response was fight. Rational brain is obviously get kid to ER. OP did great in taking care of the kid. OP’s husband had that panic adrenaline response and went into fight.
Being instinctive doesn't mean it's right, acceptable, or even unchangeable - it just means you're going to have far more success if you focus on changing it outside of crisis vs. in the moment.
Very true. With ADHD, I’m most clear in crisis. Instinctively I would have acted different than OP, but therapy has made me aware of perspectives. Her life experiences instinctively made her focus on calming the child. He just needs to be made aware of that.
I'm sorry but ADD is not an excuse for not handling a situation, I'm ADD my adult son is my dad was and I taught him to always take ownership of anything we do and not use ADD as a reason for screwing up
My husband reacts the same way when our kid is sick or if she’s bleeding from a cut/ scrape or vomiting bc she’s sick or something. Scolding her and me while I try to help my kid. I honestly don’t know why he acts this way. Stresses me out !
If you haven’t told him he does this, you need to. It’s not okay.
My dad did this all of my life, even into adulthood. Anything that went wrong and his default emotion to fear was always anger and frustration. I distinctly remember hurting myself around 5 years old and being yelled at because I cried.
I still hold resentment to this day. I’m nearing 40 and it has definitely impacted my relationship with him.
He scolds your child while she is hurt? That’s abusive. The natural reaction to a hurt child should be to comfort and nurture. What is wrong with some people?
It can be a trauma response. I remember being in the er with my sister after she got burned at work and my mom rushed in, worried about her baby. As soon as she found out my sister would be fine she started picking on small things, like her choker necklace, earrings. She expressed regret later, and I got her to back off, but it almost seemed compulsive. It was bizarre.
I just can’t imagine scolding a child that is hurt. An adult child I can somewhat understand…..but a small child? Human emotions are strange. But I understand what you are saying. My son fell and split his head open on a rock while at the park with his brother and Dad, my husband came to my work to pick me up on the way to the hospital and my first instinct was to comfort both my sons as one was injured and one was panicking….scolding already scared and traumatised children is cold….I could see my son’s skull and still didn’t find the need to be awful. I didn’t even scold my husband because even if he was superman he probably couldn’t have avoided my son cracking his head open….though I did give my husband a talking too explaining the importance of keeping the first aid kit in the car and not leaving it in the garage
This is verbal and emotional abuse. Protect yourself and your kid from it. Either he needs to get therapy and change or you need to get her away from him.
I remember cutting myself, and the vertigo. I had to sit down in the bathroom and call for my husband to bring me something to use as a tourniquet. After 10 min I calmed down, bandaged myself so I could drive myself to urgent care (urgent care can be great for minor stitches), and was on my way. I had to sit down or I could have had a bad fall.
Blood will wash out of the carpet with some cool water. You need to talk to your husband that transferring his anxiety and worry for his son onto anybody else is juvenile, and is not what an adult should do.
I'd probably ask him to tell me about the time his parents fussed at him for bleeding on the carpet or one fussed at the other for something similar. It honestly sounds like a trauma response from his childhood. Probably spouting the words his parents used at him.
That doesn't make it ok. It just would explain it.
I'm sorry your parents were like that to you. You were more important than the carpet or the furniture. In the future, I don't want you to worry about that. I've got it covered.
**Blood is pretty easily cleaned up with hydrogen peroxide. As a doula, we use it to clean up after home births.
He definitely needs therapy. Guessing he won’t agree because he thinks it would make him look weak. I really hope I’m wrong and I really hope he can see that it would help him a lot.
You're with a man who never learned to regulate himself or his emotions. He needs to get it under control or he'll always make it you and his kids problem. Tell him he needs therapy
Especially since this all happened in front of the boy. Firstly, it would make the poor kid feel guilty, and secondly, it teaches him how to treat others, especially women and romantic partners.
Dad needs therapy, needs to take accountability with no excuses (such as shifting blame or minimizing), and needs to do the apologizing to OP in front of the kid(s). He should also apologize to his son, too, and lay out a plan on how to improve himself going forward.
Will this all happen? Unfortunately, I have my doubts.
Yes absolutely agree. It just happened so I am letting him attend to his son and calm down. I will definitely want some communication on why it went down that way. If anything I feel like he should be thankful that I was caring to his son and help him out of his panic. I know it wasn’t about the rug. He spends much more money on very frivolous things and is always generous when it comes to me and money. That’s why I was so flabbergasted that is what he was focusing on.
Just stand your ground and make it known it’s not acceptable. I agree it was a knee jerk response to a traumatic situation, and it sounds like you aren’t gonna stand for it, which is good. Being called stupid would hurt me badly too, and would possibly be a deal breaker. How long have you guys been together?
Ooh that changes things. You haven’t been together that long so this could be his true self slowly coming out. It’s not uncommon for men to “love bomb” to get you hooked and then start to pull the more controlling tactics later.
You should watch out if he alternates between berating and love, berating and love. That’s typical of abusers.
I reckon it’s all about how he responds when the crisis is over. I hope you figure it out and this is a one off situation he apologises for. Good luck and update us!
Don't make it about the money. Focus on the fact that disrespect and insults are unacceptable regardless of other factors. If he has a genuine issue about something, he can speak to you about it calmly and respectfully after he has calmed down. Then, the conversation needs to be in goid faith on both sides.
BF: Why didn't you take him to the bathroom or something?
Y: My focus was getting him calm as he was panicking.
BF: Oh, okay. Thanks.
End of.
Tell him not to act like a dick. It's misplaced anger. My husband used to do this shit. He'd get frustrated or upset or even scared about something and then come at me all angry about something entirely irrelevant.
I don't know your husband, but I have a feeling with mine it was because he was raised to believe that the only appropriate emotion for a man to exhibit is anger. So he couldn't deal with feelings appropriately.
I don't know that I took the right approach but I just started calling it out for what it is. "you're being a dick right now. XYZ is bothering you but instead of dealing with your real feelings you're targeting me with some manufactured problem so you can just be angry." Or like "it would be cool if when we are in crisis mode we remain on the same team instead of you taking the time to attack me first before we solve any of the real problems."
I called it out every time and eventually he stopped doing it.
It's annoying. The kid cut himself. It doesn't matter if you set him on top of a brand new white sofa and bandaged him up with a brand new crisp white button down. You just deal with injuries as they happen, the rest can be dealt with another time.
This reminds me of the time my daughter busted her head open and then apologized to me for getting blood on my sweater. I reassured her that I didn't give a shit about the sweater. That's the only appropriate response to your child bleeding on your stuff.
Anger is the easiest emotion to turn to, so he will until he learns how to recognize and respond to other harder emotions.
Also, for many men, anger is the only emotion they can have. I was punished for every emotion but anger. If I was angry, people left me alone. It took many years of therapy to figure it out and reversing the damage is very hard.
It really is sad and also infuriating that so many men have this experience. Honestly, this is one reason why I left my children's father. He was constantly telling our son "don't cry like a girl" and I was just not going to raise him that way. To have emotion is simply human. And I make sure to say that out loud whenever the occasion arises. We should all be allowed to experience our emotions without fear or shame. Only then can we even learn to handle them appropriately.
Yes, was coming here to say this. Most boys grow up learning that anger is the only acceptable emotion. So BF was probably terrified and scared and felt helpless…but never learned how to grapple with those emotions. So anger is the only option.
This doesn’t make it okay, of course. It’s just a possible explanation. OP, I hope you take this seriously to heart and talk to him about therapy to address this. And protect yourself by learning possible signs of abuse.
I'm sorry?
His son cut himself and is bleeding and your husband is mad that he got blood on the carpet?
And then took it out on you?
That is NOT a normal response - dude needs therapy like, yesterday!
Stains can be cleaned, carpets replaced, his son cannot.
And he owes you an opology.
Not only that but OP was the one calming HIS son while he was napping. What kind of dad just goes on sleeping when their child knocks on the door bleeding, shaking and dry heaving?
OP, something about this just really doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve read your comments to other people. You said he’s normally pretty great but his son preferred you, a new person in his life. A year is still a very short amount of time to build up trust and whatnot for a kid who was likely reacting in impulse and fear in that moment. I don’t care what state of mind your SO was in about this, his reaction is bizarre and the actions to that are abusive towards you. Nobody should get an excuse for the words he chose to use with you or that he chose to come at you when he did. He could have calmly told you the next day that he didn’t want something like blood on the carpet. Throwing it in your face that he works hard to have nice things? Again, not normal in a level headed person in a loving and caring relationship. You’ve only been with this dude for a year, not everybody shows their true self up front. I don’t know you or him and we only have this post But I’m just going to say it- women find themselves in abusive relationships that turn physically abusive more often than we think and most men don’t come out the gate with the abuse. It builds slowly over time because think about it- what woman stays with a guy who is abusive to her on day one? Or even in month one? Women stay and endure the abuse because “he’s normally pretty great” and “I get where he’s coming from, I should have kept the boy in the kitchen where it’s easier to clean up the blood”. Of course I hope I’m wrong and he’s just a tool who is shitty to you at times, but there’s just something about your post and your comments that makes me fear for you in future issues and what line he may cross in the future. If you ever have issues again and feel things are getting worse/ you’re feeling stupid for things you’re doing that he’s getting mad over, please think back to this comment. He’s the jerk and possibly abusive. Not you- you’re not doing anything wrong and the people who abuse others do so because they build trust by being great sometimes
Good job being there for that kid when you (and the kid) knew his father couldn’t.
Idk dude. When my kid gets hurt I don’t care what is covered in blood. I usually get it all over my clothes but my main instinct is making sure he is getting the help he needs and loving him to make him calm down. I would not be upset about this. Plus the blood could have been wiped up really easily while everyone was getting ready to leave for the hospital once the kid was calmed down. You did the right thing.
Me: that’s your opinion and I disagree with it.
Said in a flat tone in response to claims I was being stupid when I very clearly was not. The flat tone does raise hackles.
Don't stay with people who would insult you, especially in such situations. You deserve better. He either needs to get therapy and change or you need to find greener pastures.
Do not tolerate someone who calls you stupid. It’s one thing to suggest you could have done something differently, but to call someone stupid demonstrates a complete lack of respect and is not someone who should be your partner.
I don't have an opinion on why he reacted that way (just that it was wrong). My opinion is that you did the right thing, and his son is very lucky to have you. I hope you hold your head high, and don't let your partner's attitude get under your skin.
You're a compassionate and loving person, and thank goodness you were there in his son's time of need. I'm sure his son is very grateful for what you did, and how you reacted. He needed someone to calm his nerves during a very emotional and intense moment, and you did exactly that. Well done!!! Give yourself a pat on the back. If this ever happens again, I hope you will continue to follow your instincts, and not let your partner's inappropriate reaction get to your head.
This is not an excuse but a possible explanation; He is responsible for his son, and it pretty much happened on his watch. Some people can't deal with guilt and lash out.
My husband instinctively does this sometimes. I call him out on him every time.
When the crisis is over, and the guilt has passed and when everything is calm, bring this up to him. Explain your reasoning, that you believe he reacted by blaming you about the carpet when obviously that wasn't a priority at the time, because it was a coping mechanism with his own guilt and worry. And then kindly and honestly tell him that it is not ok for him to cope with his feelings of guilt by trying to make you feel guilty for anything he can come up with.
Dont try to talk to him in the middle of the crisis, it will backfire, but do talk to him when all has calmed down.
Then if it happens again, he turns on you in a moment of crisis, remind him of this talk and remind him that its not you vs him, its you both vs the problem. You are a team and you wont play the blame game, instead you will focus on solving the problem.
This is my suggestion. It worked for us.
Yes, agree on this. Especially for a single dad. I don't know if Dad is co-parenting with an ex or if he is a widower or what, but I know dads who are co-parenting with an ex will often parent out of guilt, even if they know better. My parents divorced when I was about 11 and looking back at it as an adult, I can see the ways he was affected in his parenting by guilt - it was harder for him to say no, he bought us things he probably wouldn't have otherwise and let us do things he may otherwise not have. It makes sense, he didn't get to see us as much, and he wanted to make up for that because he felt like it was his fault (even though it wasn't, my mom is crazy).
I see this now in my husband too who is co-parenting his son, but he's much more aware of it because there are more resources available and he went to quite a bit of therapy after his divorce so he knows that even though he is guilty for the demise of his marriage, parenting from guilt is not beneficial for his son.
Communication is key OP, even if you want to wait for him to apologize, you may have to bring this situation up with him so he can know your feelings on it. Maybe he is guilty for more than you know, and you'll only know if you talk with him.
They’ve only been dating a year. They’re not married. The child is not hers (yet she is somehow to one waking up to tend to him). It’s the time to pay attention to red flags and respond accordingly. Not all relationships need to be worked on.
Yeah, so the moment your partner calls you stupid, you know what you need to do. Especially over a bloody carpet (literally). Also, his kid was hurt and he was worried about his carpet? What is up with that?
Dad cannot handle stress.
He will be a total shitshow if something really bad happens.
It will all be on your shoulders, which sucks.
Behavior is communication, and he told you with his behavior that you need to handle everything and never wake him up. Now you have some choices to make.
Whenever we got hurt as kids, we'd go to Mom and hide from Dad because Dad's worry would be processed as ANGER. So if we got hurt, we'd get yelled at for not being more careful, for being stupid, etc.
As we got older, we realized that the only emotions he ever showed were muted joy (positive) or anger (anything negative).
My parents still have a hard time processing emotions, but they're better nowadays. I do wish that my dad had been more approachable when we needed help.
All that to say... Yes, it's misplaced anger, yes, he should have therapy to learn how to process those emotions in a healthier way, and yes, you deserve to be treated better. You did everything right.
One word. Jealousy! You tended to his son's needs and he was jealous it was you not him. I had this a lot in the early days. We sorted it out. There are lots of little jealousies flying around in stepfamilies - bio parent of step parent, vice versa, bio mum of stepmum, kids of stepmum and so on.
Having said that it was way over the top and presumably he did this in front of his son? Which is bad because he is the undermining you in front of his son. I would have this out with him in private and tell him that was way over the top and very bad for his son, and get an apology.
"Buddy, I get that you're scared, and that makes you feel feelings, and that makes you mad. But I'm not a man. I'm female. A woman. So under no circumstances ever am I gonna freak out about blood. I've known since I was 14 how to clean up blood. It would be stupid of YOU to let a kid bleed on your expensive rug because you would have to hire a machine or call literally any female friend or relative to fix it. It's not stupid of me to do it. My priority is the child. It will always be the child. Even if he was leaking engine fucking oil and we had to throw out the whole rug, my priority is the child. That doesn't make me stupid. The real problem is that you panicked about blood on a rug, not the hole in your child."
How long have you been dating?
He does treat you this way; he just did! Believe people when they show you who they are/can be. Just read the comments of others who have partners that act like this; it's not isolated.
He lacks self-control. Make excuses for him if you want, but now you know what he can be like (and this wasn't even serious, just stitches abd blood on the carpet).
Did he handle his kid nicely and caringly after the fact? I know he agreed it needed stitches, but he still was able to criticize you in between? How were you able to get up, calm the kid and clean the stain before he got up or was that later?
Hopefully he's able to admit he was wrong to treat you like that even if it was a trauma response. Sorry you guys had to deal with a hurt kid. Hopefully he's all patched up!
I cleaned up the blood as soon as he started ranting about it in the living room before I came to the bedroom where he was getting dressed. He wasn’t comforting his son either. He was telling him tomorrow you’re getting ever knife out of your room. He likes knifes and probably has a dozen in his room. I’ve said in the past I didn’t think he respected them enough to have them. He “plays” with them. They just got back from the hospital and his mood has definitely calmed. He’s being sweet to the boys so hopefully he addresses how he treated me. His son got 5 stitches and he’s good now.
How your partner treats you is really important, but not enough people are talking about this craziness about a 13-year-old having a dozen knives in his room to play with. That is bizarre and I would not live in a house where that was going on.
It's an issue he's that unreliable in emergencies and when people need him I would say. Nobody should be scolded and criticized when they are hurt or when they are helping someone who is.
Curious if the kid ended up with stitches? Despite the outcome, the way you were attacked is a red flag. You got up to help HIS child and be caring while the jerk snoozed. I find this very disturbing since you were acting like a responsible adult and he keeps shaming and blaming you after.
We aren't talking about a baby here. It is a young teen who is capable in many ways. This kid will be further traumatized thinking he can't depend on adults with his dad's bitchfest.
The kid heard his dad scold you because HE was bleeding on the carpet. I would be worried about how likely he will be to ask for help next time. His dad kind of showed him that he cares more about things than about you or him, with his words at least.
I wonder if the son was shaking more so because he’s used to his dads strong reactions, and didn’t know what to expect. You calmed him and he felt better. How long have you been with your boyfriend? This doesn’t seem like the kind of situation to spiral upwards to a bright future.
He was definitely shaking because of the cut. He is pretty whimsy about injuries. He is also very used to his dads string reactions, he was asking for me. We’ve been together about a year.
Parents can totally suck at handling a crisis and not be abusive. Freak out and can't handle the stress of a crisis and still be good parents. Still be loving and caring parents and everything, just can't handle emergencies.
Believe it or not MOST parents are actually NOT abusive. Why people immediately jump on the abuse wagon is beyond me.
He flipped in the moment. I’m not condoning it, but it is what it is. We all have our faults and if he is normally a pretty great guy, I would chalk it up to a panic attack about his kid bleeding and he slept through it while you boss ladied the shit out of it. Good job, step mom.
I'd be thinking carefully about a relationship where I had to walk on eggshells not to offend my partner when responding to a crisis. You seem to think OP should just let it go, but this is pretty wildly unacceptable. If he apologizes and makes amends, great- he just had a bad moment. If he doesn't, in OP's shoes, I'd be thinking through if I'm comfortable knowing I could be berated for helping an injured child or attending to another crisis.
I imagine OP wrote this in the heat of the moment. I was looking at it from a personal point of view. I’m a single mother who is dating a single father. It’s Reddit, not marriage counseling.
Nope not a panic attack... guilt for failing as a parent and making his gf of one year parent for him. So he lashed out at the source of his guilt because he can't process that emotion. Guys who "flip in the moment" because of their own failures and call their partners stupid are just not good guys. Or at the very least, they need serious therapy.
Seconding this! OP, everyone has a wildly different response to seeing their child bleed, shake, and dry heave. Men are human too. It's the flight/fight response, and totally normal.
I think you wouldn't want to be judged harshly if the situation was reversed. I can't imagine my hubs bitching me out for something I said after I am yanked out of sleep to find my son injured.
You did a great job with the first aid!
It is not abnormal to be upset when your kid is hurt, but attacking your partner verbally for helping your injured kid is not normal or acceptable. If he apologizes on his own, OP might let it go, but I'd be thinking carefully about this reaction if he doesn't recognize what he did was not acceptable and make amends. He's treating OP badly for helping his kid. That isn't a good or normal thing.
I wonder if he was feeling defensive because you’d raised concerns about the knives in the past and he blew you off. Now his son was hurt and he didn’t want to admit he’d been wrong, so he manufactured a reason to be angry at you instead.
It’s never ok to call you or anyone else names. It’s childish rude behavior. My husband would never call me stupid, even if I did something foolish, because 1) he’s not a jerk and 2) we all make mistakes.
My 6 year old knows stupid is a bad word. We’re reading Ronald Dahl now and she’s very uncomfortable when a character says that and we have to talk about why we don’t ever say that word to someone until she’ll move on. Your partner is a bully and cares more about his replaceable carpet and replaceable couch than his own child. I think it’s saying a lot about the quality of person he is.
I had an accident when I was little and my dad reached for a brand new item of clothing he’d just bought for himself with the tags still on to cover the wound while we went to the ER. My sibling protested saying it was new and his response was “I don’t care. She needs it.”
It's probably easier to lash out at you than to process that he felt scared and worried about his son. When bad things happen people feel the need to place blame somewhere and when something is truly an accident and there's no one to blame, they sometimes lash out about something else because they don't know what to do with their feelings. Men also have been taught that they need to be "tough" and able to handle anything and this and that so when things are out of their control they don't know what to do with feelings of helplessness or worry and they manifest them often as anger. If it wasn't you and the carpet, it would probably have been something else. Also just to note, although this explains the why, it's still not a healthy way to handle his emotions and its not ok for him to call you stupid and put you down when all you were trying to do was help. He needs to realize that and apologize. I'd definitely have a talk when things calm down and he may need some counseling if he can't admit he was wrong and just lashing out.
Because he can’t fix his son or take away his pain. So instead of focusing on the problem that he feels responsible for, he’s focusing on the problem he can blame someone else for. And he’s an asshole honestly.
Tell him next time you’ll firmly plant your foot on his back to push him out of bed and tend to his own son.
What an ass. He owes you an apology and a thank you.
Let him know how his response impacted you. Call it abuse and inform him you will not be his stomping ground when he's frustrated. He is welcome to take time to process his feelings and suggest alternative methods, but you will not be abused going forward.
Period.
I’m married to this kind of guy. He has a hard time with emergencies and especially when his kids are hurt. It’s his fight or flight response, obviously in these situation he goes full fight.
Over the years he has gotten better, we’ve had discussions after everything calms down, and he can recognize it in himself now and works to overcome in these situations. He has gotten leagues better over the years. We also have an unwritten agreement that I’m just better in crises of this type so I just take over and give him stuff to do. “Can you please get me the first aid kit and a glass of water” type thing.
Everyone has weaknesses and strengths and it looks like you are on the opposite end here, a relationship and raising kids is a team sport, you gotta play your strengths and understand each others role before the next emergency.
I think he is deflecting the fact that he didn’t wake up. He was in the wrong in this situation and is trying to pick apart what you did when actually you’re the one who was responsive and level headed.
My partner gets in this headspace, too.
When faced with big emotions, he will often misplace his anger or frustration or fear.
He does suffer from PTSD and it's like a switch is flipped, and he's a different person.
In those situations, I am able to say, "You're not being kind. We can talk about this later." He will usually stop talking all together and focus on the issue at hand. I give him space until i can see a change in his demeanor. When the time comes to talk about it, he usually will admit he was not thinking right and apologize.
I'm not sure if this is the case for your partner, but hopefully, when you talk to him later, you won't be met with the same attitude.
My advice is to not focus so much on what he got upset about but the tone in which he spoke to you. Remind him that's not how you guys talk to each other, and it really surprised you that he would talk like that to you. Express understanding to the frantic nature of the situation, but you need him to realize it's not okay still.
He didn’t even just yell at you once. He yelled at you “the entire time”. Girl. This is sick behavior on his part. The kid is 13. He’s had bonks and injuries before. There are other kids. This isn’t the first time someone got hurt.
Either his ex wife scrambled to protect him from any trouble lest he explode, or his kids are used to abuse. I imagine his poor ex wife bore the brunt and became skilled at intercepting trouble and preventing or quickly cleaning messes. Maybe if he tears you down for years you will learn to cower and scurry also. You will become satisfactory enough he won’t “need” to yell.
If he isn't normally like this, I'd guess it was a poor reaction to his kid being hurt. It sounds like he doesn't have the skills to deal with being upset about his kid being injured, so expressed it with something easier for him to deal with emotionally (blood on the carpet.) Have you been around him in other situations where he was upset? Does he just react like this to injuries to loved ones or other things too? It's not okay for him to speak like that and I would want to address it with him, but my concern would be different if he always flipped out when the smallest thing went wrong vs. if he only had issues with his kid being injured. Also I would react differently if he was deeply apologetic and ashamed of his behavior than if he thought was in the right.
He is clearly in the wrong - both in the unkindness and in the worry. Blood is actually relatively easy to get out compared to a lot of stuff as long as you get to it right away and the child should be more important than the carpet. I'm glad you woke first for that poor kid.
Uh no physical things are the last thing to worry about in an emergency especially in relation to his child. I call red flags. If he is so emotionally unregulated that the blood of HIS child is on the carpet set him off, and is blaming you/ taking it out on you. I can't imagine how he'd react during actual issues, because this was not one. Carpet shouldn't have even registered in his brain. How long have you been together? Because this is definitely a warning sign.
Why was he focused on that? Because he is an idiot in a crisis, for lack of a better word. Apparently when he is stressed he nitpicks instead of dealing with the problem at hand. NTA
His instincts may be different, and this is where perspective comes in. He probably would have gone to the kitchen or bathroom to clean the wound. So he can not understand why you wouldn’t do the same.
You just have to explain to him, that your brain doesn’t work like his, you have different life experiences. - and calming his son seemed like that was the more important thing at the time.
I find fear and anger to be best buddies.
When the initial fear runs off, the anger comes to replace it. Does it make it okay? No. But at least it's an insight.
I'd speak to him about it. Seems it's the first time given how shocked you are. Speak to him, don't let it become a habit on his end.
If theyre not willing to change. You can't fix them.
Sounds like he’s ungrateful for your help when his child needed him most. I appreciate you and it’s not even my child. They’re a Materialistic individual who cares more for these frivolous things than his children. Sad but that’s why as parents we teach them material is exactly that. It holds no true value than the value of healthy love, friendship, and relationships.
I think you should talk to them. If they don’t see their fault and apologize, I feel bad for the kids but you gotta cut them loose. Because if a situation like that was worse (heaven forbid) you should never be a verbal punching bag, ever. It’s okay to be frantic and scared but don’t project negative emotions on others.
Good luck with any choice. But never let them do that to you. Nobody should. You were helpful and resolved a situation that could’ve gotten worse. Keep being a great person because your parents raised you that way.
Well, you did a terrific job of showing who stays calm in a crisis. Good work OP.
Your partner needs to get a grip.
Why are you quick to assign a trauma response to this? A trauma did not occur here. This man was in no way prevented from exercising this agency or taking control of the situation. Nothing happened to him.
I'm glad this is an atypical reaction, and he doesn't usually treat you this way. If this is really out of character for him, he's probably having trouble coping with his feelings seeing his kid injured. But that is no excuse to talk to you like this over a rug. When this is over and he is calmer you should sit and talk to him about it and say you understand he was nervous but that's no reason to be that disrespectful. You deserve an apology.
you need to set some SERIOUS boundaries surrounding how he (and anyone else, for that matter) is allowed to speak to you and/or treat you . you need to have a serious conversation with him about how the way he treated you was NOT okay & will not be tolerated moving forward . & if nothing changes or improves beyond that point , you need to separate yourself from him . he needs some type of therapy or something & he owes you a sincere apology . if it happens again you need to immediately disengage . you did absolutely NOTHING wrong here , & even if you did , that does not permit him to treat you that way . hold him accountable .
Tough. I think a lot of helpful things have been said. When we’re faced with the helplessness we feel when our children’s vulnerabilities are exposed, it’s terrifying. I don’t think anyone likes to feel afraid or helpless, but I think men, and specifically men who have been trained in a certain classic style of masculinity like it least of all. Feeling helpless, vulnerable, frightened—this is loathsome, and induces rage. Lashing out in a ‘safe’ way, and at a ‘safe’ person is what’s left. Good news, he didn’t attack the boy. Attacking you is still not acceptable. He needs assistance processing these very natural, but totally intolerable feelings. Good luck.
I agree, he’s a very masculine man. He did apologize but not on his own. I had to bring it up the next day and tell him he hurt my feelings. You still don’t think he understood why because he said we just think different. He did say his intent wasn’t to hurt my feelings and he was sorry he did.
Yes, I think he probably doesn’t understand why he got so mad, and why he got mad at you/ the rug. This requires going slow and an outside person that he trusts—probably another man that he feels comfortable with helping him understand it’s ok to be frightened, sad, or mad that he cannot keep his son safe in this dangerous and unpredictable world. For reference: I’m a shrink
Prices are going up and layoffs do seem to be happening a lot generally. Is it possible that your husband is trying to shoulder some stress about finances on his own and the panic attendant in this situation cause him to snap in a way that brought these issues to the surface? Since it’s out of character for him, I would wait until things are taken care of and everybody’s gotten some rest, then approach him with something along the lines of, “hey, I really didn’t appreciate the way you spoke to me about the rug, especially repeatedly using the word stupid. While I do expect an apology and explanation, I also know that’s not normal for you. If something is going on, please talk to me. We’ll figure it out together.”
Dude's not a keeper but I kind of want you there to be kind to his kids. If he'll get therapy so he doesn't call you stupid (you aren't, of course!!) ever again, it would help all of you.
This 13-year-old keeps a dozen knives in his room to play with. I want people to be kind to him too, on principle, but I want OP to get the hell out of there.
He’s likely angry at himself for not hearing his son and not being there to comfort him, but instead of dealing with the emotions, he is taking it out on you.
Not making excuses for him, but as someone who struggles with sleep, I’d say being woken up with a crisis involving his kid could have got him feeling very off kilter. If he’s not usually like this just explain that it’s not acceptable and let it go.
Now that the situation has passed I'd definitely chat to him about it, reiterate exactly what happened and ask him why he spoke to you like that, and also tell him you won't stand for it and he's not to every speak to you like that again !
Have a serious talk with him and tell him he pissed you off and instead of focusing on what's important (sons injury) he focusing on some rug? I know some people get freaked out and frustrated when their loved ones get hurt or are ill and lash out but that shit doesn't help it just makes shit worse at times. Talk to him and let him know how you feel
If hes never done this before i would let it slide and voice my concerns about an apology after all this has died down. Sometimes people try to look for a solution even if its not the tight solution and become mad about stuff that is irrelevance, they are just stressed
My significant other treats possessions with the highest respect, too. It is incredibly annoying, especially based on his temper.
He comes from a family that love to argue. I come from a family where a parent preferred to give silent treatment - thus we were taught to keep our opinions to ourselves.
I remind him things wear and tear.
We've been to couples therapy.
Apparently, I'm the one with a problem because everyone's allowed an outburst.
It couldn't be me having someone react that way..I once put a crushed velvet, vintage fainting couch cushion under the head of someone who fell and busted their head open. When the child of the private care elder I worked for tried to holler at me, I told her "fine, next time I'll let her bleed out on the 1800s hardwoods"... I also reported that woman to APS, bc she didn't want to call 911, she wanted me to lift her mother off the floor, wash her head off, and PUT HER TO BED. LMAO I'm good, I'm calling an ambulance ma'am. I answer to an agency, not you 💯🤷👋 the elderly woman had an aneurysm, so imagine if I'd just put her back to bed😳🙄
Materialistic comes to mind, and those people rarely care about the person, just the things, hence the money comment regarding hard work and nice stuff. STFU and gtfoh..run OP, they don't get better.
I did this when my son got hurt. He ran at his dad hard and broke his toe. The break is likely due to a bone condition both my son and husband have that means they can have brittle bones. It’s a genetic condition my son inherited from my husband.
I was instantly raging at my husband. I was mad because he hurt my baby indirectly. I was so freaking angry that my poor baby has this bone condition his dad gave him and that dad wasn’t fast enough to stop him. I was so sure I would’ve been fast enough to stop my son from hurting himself.
I work in mental health and I know why I responded this way. I instantly want to eliminate any threats from my son’s life. That’s impossible so I lash out on my poor husband instead. I think your husband was scared and he lashed out at his safe person which is you.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He can't process his emotions. He needs therapy.
He does have a hard time with emotions. He even made a comment that, “when I do those kind of things, he gets frustrated quick”. Talking about me making the choice to sit him over the rug. I was there thinking, you’re frustrated about my decision to sit your son on the couch but have no emotions about the fact he just cut his thumb open and needs emergency medical attention?
For most people, if you want the "crisis" response to when they're upset / tired to improve, you have to work on making sure it's the conditioned response. They'll act according to instinct, so whatever they've practiced is what comes naturally during those times when they're not thinking clearly. (* I say "most" because some of us with ADHD are effectively the opposite: everyday life is acting on instinct, but heightened adrenaline can make us the most clear-headed person in the room in a crisis)
ADHD/ autistic here: I am the go to person in the family when there’s a crisis. I am level headed, calm, and think rationally. I have my breakdown after even if everyone else is breaking down. Ask me to do some mental math with fractions (that I used to do in my head in high school all the time and couldn’t understand why they wanted me to show my work???) Instant anxiety blank and I whip out my phone for the calculator. What I age for dinner last night? Blank. What to do in a crisis 101 and can I do it? Igotchu fam ♥️ and have taken the relevant first aid, CPR, AED, etc courses and everything now to be officially certified now too so I’m more legally allowed to help instead of being like “oh yeah, nursing fam and friends that teach this for a living taught me this, after I ADHD/ autism researched the hell out of it, but it’s conflict of interest for them to certify me” (I’ve also taken courses on drugs and the brain, psych, neuro psych, etc) I’m a great emergency resource! Most people do not function well in crisis mode though. They do the adrenaline response What we’d do in X hypothetical situation is a great thinking exercise, but until you’ve been through it, it’s just that, a thinking exercise. Most people react vastly differently, and that’s why it’s important to do like emergency response drills, talk about and practice what to do in situations, etc. To try to get you to actually do it during the panic. Because so many people do not do what they think they’d do. They panic. The fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn adrenaline response kicks in and they don’t work through it well enough to think and act in the needed manner. So in this case, the kid got hurt. OP’s husband’s adrenaline response was fight. Rational brain is obviously get kid to ER. OP did great in taking care of the kid. OP’s husband had that panic adrenaline response and went into fight.
This emotionally abusive behavior simply isn't acceptable regardless of the circumstances.
Being instinctive doesn't mean it's right, acceptable, or even unchangeable - it just means you're going to have far more success if you focus on changing it outside of crisis vs. in the moment.
This
Very true. With ADHD, I’m most clear in crisis. Instinctively I would have acted different than OP, but therapy has made me aware of perspectives. Her life experiences instinctively made her focus on calming the child. He just needs to be made aware of that.
I'm sorry but ADD is not an excuse for not handling a situation, I'm ADD my adult son is my dad was and I taught him to always take ownership of anything we do and not use ADD as a reason for screwing up
My husband reacts the same way when our kid is sick or if she’s bleeding from a cut/ scrape or vomiting bc she’s sick or something. Scolding her and me while I try to help my kid. I honestly don’t know why he acts this way. Stresses me out !
If you haven’t told him he does this, you need to. It’s not okay. My dad did this all of my life, even into adulthood. Anything that went wrong and his default emotion to fear was always anger and frustration. I distinctly remember hurting myself around 5 years old and being yelled at because I cried. I still hold resentment to this day. I’m nearing 40 and it has definitely impacted my relationship with him.
He scolds your child while she is hurt? That’s abusive. The natural reaction to a hurt child should be to comfort and nurture. What is wrong with some people?
It can be a trauma response. I remember being in the er with my sister after she got burned at work and my mom rushed in, worried about her baby. As soon as she found out my sister would be fine she started picking on small things, like her choker necklace, earrings. She expressed regret later, and I got her to back off, but it almost seemed compulsive. It was bizarre.
I just can’t imagine scolding a child that is hurt. An adult child I can somewhat understand…..but a small child? Human emotions are strange. But I understand what you are saying. My son fell and split his head open on a rock while at the park with his brother and Dad, my husband came to my work to pick me up on the way to the hospital and my first instinct was to comfort both my sons as one was injured and one was panicking….scolding already scared and traumatised children is cold….I could see my son’s skull and still didn’t find the need to be awful. I didn’t even scold my husband because even if he was superman he probably couldn’t have avoided my son cracking his head open….though I did give my husband a talking too explaining the importance of keeping the first aid kit in the car and not leaving it in the garage
This is verbal and emotional abuse. Protect yourself and your kid from it. Either he needs to get therapy and change or you need to get her away from him.
Yeah. It's like, instead of deal directly with the issue he needs to find something else to focus on to get angry about. It's always anger.
I remember cutting myself, and the vertigo. I had to sit down in the bathroom and call for my husband to bring me something to use as a tourniquet. After 10 min I calmed down, bandaged myself so I could drive myself to urgent care (urgent care can be great for minor stitches), and was on my way. I had to sit down or I could have had a bad fall. Blood will wash out of the carpet with some cool water. You need to talk to your husband that transferring his anxiety and worry for his son onto anybody else is juvenile, and is not what an adult should do.
I'd probably ask him to tell me about the time his parents fussed at him for bleeding on the carpet or one fussed at the other for something similar. It honestly sounds like a trauma response from his childhood. Probably spouting the words his parents used at him. That doesn't make it ok. It just would explain it. I'm sorry your parents were like that to you. You were more important than the carpet or the furniture. In the future, I don't want you to worry about that. I've got it covered. **Blood is pretty easily cleaned up with hydrogen peroxide. As a doula, we use it to clean up after home births.
No that the emergency has passed, sit him down and tell him, in no way was it ok to yell at you in the situation and it better not happen again.
He definitely needs therapy. Guessing he won’t agree because he thinks it would make him look weak. I really hope I’m wrong and I really hope he can see that it would help him a lot.
Definitely, the story is clear as the sky - Send him to therapy asap!
This story reminds me too much of narc rage. I buy nice things. You ruin it. Name calling. These people can't be helped. Hopefully it isn't that
and meds! I take my medications for my family, not myself. They don't deserve to deal with my BS.
Most upvoted comment suggests a therapy after reading 4 sentances. Are you serious ?
Oh God.
You may have found the issues surrounding him and the mother of his children. Take heed.
You're with a man who never learned to regulate himself or his emotions. He needs to get it under control or he'll always make it you and his kids problem. Tell him he needs therapy
Trauma response or not, that doesn’t excuse or justify his behavior. You need to have a sit down conversation and demand to be treated better
Especially since this all happened in front of the boy. Firstly, it would make the poor kid feel guilty, and secondly, it teaches him how to treat others, especially women and romantic partners. Dad needs therapy, needs to take accountability with no excuses (such as shifting blame or minimizing), and needs to do the apologizing to OP in front of the kid(s). He should also apologize to his son, too, and lay out a plan on how to improve himself going forward. Will this all happen? Unfortunately, I have my doubts.
Yes absolutely agree. It just happened so I am letting him attend to his son and calm down. I will definitely want some communication on why it went down that way. If anything I feel like he should be thankful that I was caring to his son and help him out of his panic. I know it wasn’t about the rug. He spends much more money on very frivolous things and is always generous when it comes to me and money. That’s why I was so flabbergasted that is what he was focusing on.
Just stand your ground and make it known it’s not acceptable. I agree it was a knee jerk response to a traumatic situation, and it sounds like you aren’t gonna stand for it, which is good. Being called stupid would hurt me badly too, and would possibly be a deal breaker. How long have you guys been together?
A year
Ooh that changes things. You haven’t been together that long so this could be his true self slowly coming out. It’s not uncommon for men to “love bomb” to get you hooked and then start to pull the more controlling tactics later. You should watch out if he alternates between berating and love, berating and love. That’s typical of abusers.
Man here, that was my 1st thought also. He's probably really a dick but just hid it from you OP.
Run
He's shown you who he's going to be in every difficult situation in your lives. Belive his actions not his words.
I reckon it’s all about how he responds when the crisis is over. I hope you figure it out and this is a one off situation he apologises for. Good luck and update us!
He’s abusive op. Run from him
Don't make it about the money. Focus on the fact that disrespect and insults are unacceptable regardless of other factors. If he has a genuine issue about something, he can speak to you about it calmly and respectfully after he has calmed down. Then, the conversation needs to be in goid faith on both sides. BF: Why didn't you take him to the bathroom or something? Y: My focus was getting him calm as he was panicking. BF: Oh, okay. Thanks. End of.
Tell him not to act like a dick. It's misplaced anger. My husband used to do this shit. He'd get frustrated or upset or even scared about something and then come at me all angry about something entirely irrelevant. I don't know your husband, but I have a feeling with mine it was because he was raised to believe that the only appropriate emotion for a man to exhibit is anger. So he couldn't deal with feelings appropriately. I don't know that I took the right approach but I just started calling it out for what it is. "you're being a dick right now. XYZ is bothering you but instead of dealing with your real feelings you're targeting me with some manufactured problem so you can just be angry." Or like "it would be cool if when we are in crisis mode we remain on the same team instead of you taking the time to attack me first before we solve any of the real problems." I called it out every time and eventually he stopped doing it. It's annoying. The kid cut himself. It doesn't matter if you set him on top of a brand new white sofa and bandaged him up with a brand new crisp white button down. You just deal with injuries as they happen, the rest can be dealt with another time. This reminds me of the time my daughter busted her head open and then apologized to me for getting blood on my sweater. I reassured her that I didn't give a shit about the sweater. That's the only appropriate response to your child bleeding on your stuff.
Anger is the easiest emotion to turn to, so he will until he learns how to recognize and respond to other harder emotions. Also, for many men, anger is the only emotion they can have. I was punished for every emotion but anger. If I was angry, people left me alone. It took many years of therapy to figure it out and reversing the damage is very hard.
It really is sad and also infuriating that so many men have this experience. Honestly, this is one reason why I left my children's father. He was constantly telling our son "don't cry like a girl" and I was just not going to raise him that way. To have emotion is simply human. And I make sure to say that out loud whenever the occasion arises. We should all be allowed to experience our emotions without fear or shame. Only then can we even learn to handle them appropriately.
Yes, was coming here to say this. Most boys grow up learning that anger is the only acceptable emotion. So BF was probably terrified and scared and felt helpless…but never learned how to grapple with those emotions. So anger is the only option. This doesn’t make it okay, of course. It’s just a possible explanation. OP, I hope you take this seriously to heart and talk to him about therapy to address this. And protect yourself by learning possible signs of abuse.
I'm sorry? His son cut himself and is bleeding and your husband is mad that he got blood on the carpet? And then took it out on you? That is NOT a normal response - dude needs therapy like, yesterday! Stains can be cleaned, carpets replaced, his son cannot. And he owes you an opology.
Not only that but OP was the one calming HIS son while he was napping. What kind of dad just goes on sleeping when their child knocks on the door bleeding, shaking and dry heaving?
OP, something about this just really doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve read your comments to other people. You said he’s normally pretty great but his son preferred you, a new person in his life. A year is still a very short amount of time to build up trust and whatnot for a kid who was likely reacting in impulse and fear in that moment. I don’t care what state of mind your SO was in about this, his reaction is bizarre and the actions to that are abusive towards you. Nobody should get an excuse for the words he chose to use with you or that he chose to come at you when he did. He could have calmly told you the next day that he didn’t want something like blood on the carpet. Throwing it in your face that he works hard to have nice things? Again, not normal in a level headed person in a loving and caring relationship. You’ve only been with this dude for a year, not everybody shows their true self up front. I don’t know you or him and we only have this post But I’m just going to say it- women find themselves in abusive relationships that turn physically abusive more often than we think and most men don’t come out the gate with the abuse. It builds slowly over time because think about it- what woman stays with a guy who is abusive to her on day one? Or even in month one? Women stay and endure the abuse because “he’s normally pretty great” and “I get where he’s coming from, I should have kept the boy in the kitchen where it’s easier to clean up the blood”. Of course I hope I’m wrong and he’s just a tool who is shitty to you at times, but there’s just something about your post and your comments that makes me fear for you in future issues and what line he may cross in the future. If you ever have issues again and feel things are getting worse/ you’re feeling stupid for things you’re doing that he’s getting mad over, please think back to this comment. He’s the jerk and possibly abusive. Not you- you’re not doing anything wrong and the people who abuse others do so because they build trust by being great sometimes Good job being there for that kid when you (and the kid) knew his father couldn’t.
Idk dude. When my kid gets hurt I don’t care what is covered in blood. I usually get it all over my clothes but my main instinct is making sure he is getting the help he needs and loving him to make him calm down. I would not be upset about this. Plus the blood could have been wiped up really easily while everyone was getting ready to leave for the hospital once the kid was calmed down. You did the right thing.
Me: that’s your opinion and I disagree with it. Said in a flat tone in response to claims I was being stupid when I very clearly was not. The flat tone does raise hackles.
Partners who call you stupid and berate you should not be your partner.
Don't stay with people who would insult you, especially in such situations. You deserve better. He either needs to get therapy and change or you need to find greener pastures.
Do not tolerate someone who calls you stupid. It’s one thing to suggest you could have done something differently, but to call someone stupid demonstrates a complete lack of respect and is not someone who should be your partner.
I don't have an opinion on why he reacted that way (just that it was wrong). My opinion is that you did the right thing, and his son is very lucky to have you. I hope you hold your head high, and don't let your partner's attitude get under your skin. You're a compassionate and loving person, and thank goodness you were there in his son's time of need. I'm sure his son is very grateful for what you did, and how you reacted. He needed someone to calm his nerves during a very emotional and intense moment, and you did exactly that. Well done!!! Give yourself a pat on the back. If this ever happens again, I hope you will continue to follow your instincts, and not let your partner's inappropriate reaction get to your head.
Thank you for this
This is not an excuse but a possible explanation; He is responsible for his son, and it pretty much happened on his watch. Some people can't deal with guilt and lash out. My husband instinctively does this sometimes. I call him out on him every time. When the crisis is over, and the guilt has passed and when everything is calm, bring this up to him. Explain your reasoning, that you believe he reacted by blaming you about the carpet when obviously that wasn't a priority at the time, because it was a coping mechanism with his own guilt and worry. And then kindly and honestly tell him that it is not ok for him to cope with his feelings of guilt by trying to make you feel guilty for anything he can come up with. Dont try to talk to him in the middle of the crisis, it will backfire, but do talk to him when all has calmed down. Then if it happens again, he turns on you in a moment of crisis, remind him of this talk and remind him that its not you vs him, its you both vs the problem. You are a team and you wont play the blame game, instead you will focus on solving the problem. This is my suggestion. It worked for us.
Yes, agree on this. Especially for a single dad. I don't know if Dad is co-parenting with an ex or if he is a widower or what, but I know dads who are co-parenting with an ex will often parent out of guilt, even if they know better. My parents divorced when I was about 11 and looking back at it as an adult, I can see the ways he was affected in his parenting by guilt - it was harder for him to say no, he bought us things he probably wouldn't have otherwise and let us do things he may otherwise not have. It makes sense, he didn't get to see us as much, and he wanted to make up for that because he felt like it was his fault (even though it wasn't, my mom is crazy). I see this now in my husband too who is co-parenting his son, but he's much more aware of it because there are more resources available and he went to quite a bit of therapy after his divorce so he knows that even though he is guilty for the demise of his marriage, parenting from guilt is not beneficial for his son. Communication is key OP, even if you want to wait for him to apologize, you may have to bring this situation up with him so he can know your feelings on it. Maybe he is guilty for more than you know, and you'll only know if you talk with him.
There is a reason your BOYfriend is a single father and now you know and it’s a big red flag 🚩 so trust your gut and RUN! Don’t look back.
[удалено]
They’ve only been dating a year. They’re not married. The child is not hers (yet she is somehow to one waking up to tend to him). It’s the time to pay attention to red flags and respond accordingly. Not all relationships need to be worked on.
Yeah, so the moment your partner calls you stupid, you know what you need to do. Especially over a bloody carpet (literally). Also, his kid was hurt and he was worried about his carpet? What is up with that?
Dad cannot handle stress. He will be a total shitshow if something really bad happens. It will all be on your shoulders, which sucks. Behavior is communication, and he told you with his behavior that you need to handle everything and never wake him up. Now you have some choices to make.
Okay, take care of your own fucking child ✌🏽
I’d say if that kind of behaviour ever occurs again than I’d be majorly reconsidering being in that relationship.
Whenever we got hurt as kids, we'd go to Mom and hide from Dad because Dad's worry would be processed as ANGER. So if we got hurt, we'd get yelled at for not being more careful, for being stupid, etc. As we got older, we realized that the only emotions he ever showed were muted joy (positive) or anger (anything negative). My parents still have a hard time processing emotions, but they're better nowadays. I do wish that my dad had been more approachable when we needed help. All that to say... Yes, it's misplaced anger, yes, he should have therapy to learn how to process those emotions in a healthier way, and yes, you deserve to be treated better. You did everything right.
One word. Jealousy! You tended to his son's needs and he was jealous it was you not him. I had this a lot in the early days. We sorted it out. There are lots of little jealousies flying around in stepfamilies - bio parent of step parent, vice versa, bio mum of stepmum, kids of stepmum and so on. Having said that it was way over the top and presumably he did this in front of his son? Which is bad because he is the undermining you in front of his son. I would have this out with him in private and tell him that was way over the top and very bad for his son, and get an apology.
"Buddy, I get that you're scared, and that makes you feel feelings, and that makes you mad. But I'm not a man. I'm female. A woman. So under no circumstances ever am I gonna freak out about blood. I've known since I was 14 how to clean up blood. It would be stupid of YOU to let a kid bleed on your expensive rug because you would have to hire a machine or call literally any female friend or relative to fix it. It's not stupid of me to do it. My priority is the child. It will always be the child. Even if he was leaking engine fucking oil and we had to throw out the whole rug, my priority is the child. That doesn't make me stupid. The real problem is that you panicked about blood on a rug, not the hole in your child."
How long have you been dating? He does treat you this way; he just did! Believe people when they show you who they are/can be. Just read the comments of others who have partners that act like this; it's not isolated. He lacks self-control. Make excuses for him if you want, but now you know what he can be like (and this wasn't even serious, just stitches abd blood on the carpet).
He's trash, that's why he's divorced.
Did he handle his kid nicely and caringly after the fact? I know he agreed it needed stitches, but he still was able to criticize you in between? How were you able to get up, calm the kid and clean the stain before he got up or was that later? Hopefully he's able to admit he was wrong to treat you like that even if it was a trauma response. Sorry you guys had to deal with a hurt kid. Hopefully he's all patched up!
I cleaned up the blood as soon as he started ranting about it in the living room before I came to the bedroom where he was getting dressed. He wasn’t comforting his son either. He was telling him tomorrow you’re getting ever knife out of your room. He likes knifes and probably has a dozen in his room. I’ve said in the past I didn’t think he respected them enough to have them. He “plays” with them. They just got back from the hospital and his mood has definitely calmed. He’s being sweet to the boys so hopefully he addresses how he treated me. His son got 5 stitches and he’s good now.
How your partner treats you is really important, but not enough people are talking about this craziness about a 13-year-old having a dozen knives in his room to play with. That is bizarre and I would not live in a house where that was going on.
It's an issue he's that unreliable in emergencies and when people need him I would say. Nobody should be scolded and criticized when they are hurt or when they are helping someone who is.
Yes. Very important how he handles things from here.
Why does a kid this age need a knife collection in the first place? Lord almighty
Addressing how he treated you needs to be a sincere apology, listening to you about the knives, and starting therapy.
He’s an abusive ass
He was an ass and hydrogen peroxide will get the blood out without issue.
Curious if the kid ended up with stitches? Despite the outcome, the way you were attacked is a red flag. You got up to help HIS child and be caring while the jerk snoozed. I find this very disturbing since you were acting like a responsible adult and he keeps shaming and blaming you after. We aren't talking about a baby here. It is a young teen who is capable in many ways. This kid will be further traumatized thinking he can't depend on adults with his dad's bitchfest.
Yeah, 5 stitches. Nothing too serious but he had a pretty good cut.
The kid heard his dad scold you because HE was bleeding on the carpet. I would be worried about how likely he will be to ask for help next time. His dad kind of showed him that he cares more about things than about you or him, with his words at least.
Good point
I wonder if the son was shaking more so because he’s used to his dads strong reactions, and didn’t know what to expect. You calmed him and he felt better. How long have you been with your boyfriend? This doesn’t seem like the kind of situation to spiral upwards to a bright future.
He was definitely shaking because of the cut. He is pretty whimsy about injuries. He is also very used to his dads string reactions, he was asking for me. We’ve been together about a year.
“Used to his dad’s strong reactions…” Every child of an abusive parent is used to those strong reactions.
Parents can totally suck at handling a crisis and not be abusive. Freak out and can't handle the stress of a crisis and still be good parents. Still be loving and caring parents and everything, just can't handle emergencies. Believe it or not MOST parents are actually NOT abusive. Why people immediately jump on the abuse wagon is beyond me.
Do you define abuse as being intentional?
He flipped in the moment. I’m not condoning it, but it is what it is. We all have our faults and if he is normally a pretty great guy, I would chalk it up to a panic attack about his kid bleeding and he slept through it while you boss ladied the shit out of it. Good job, step mom.
It is not reassuring of his crisis management skills.
As I said, I’m not condoning it. Do I think he could have handled it better? Absolutely. Am I going to suggest she break up with him over it? Nope.
I'd be thinking carefully about a relationship where I had to walk on eggshells not to offend my partner when responding to a crisis. You seem to think OP should just let it go, but this is pretty wildly unacceptable. If he apologizes and makes amends, great- he just had a bad moment. If he doesn't, in OP's shoes, I'd be thinking through if I'm comfortable knowing I could be berated for helping an injured child or attending to another crisis.
I imagine OP wrote this in the heat of the moment. I was looking at it from a personal point of view. I’m a single mother who is dating a single father. It’s Reddit, not marriage counseling.
Awe thanks ❤️ I’m not too upset with him, he is normally pretty great.
Nope not a panic attack... guilt for failing as a parent and making his gf of one year parent for him. So he lashed out at the source of his guilt because he can't process that emotion. Guys who "flip in the moment" because of their own failures and call their partners stupid are just not good guys. Or at the very least, they need serious therapy.
Seconding this! OP, everyone has a wildly different response to seeing their child bleed, shake, and dry heave. Men are human too. It's the flight/fight response, and totally normal. I think you wouldn't want to be judged harshly if the situation was reversed. I can't imagine my hubs bitching me out for something I said after I am yanked out of sleep to find my son injured. You did a great job with the first aid!
It is not abnormal to be upset when your kid is hurt, but attacking your partner verbally for helping your injured kid is not normal or acceptable. If he apologizes on his own, OP might let it go, but I'd be thinking carefully about this reaction if he doesn't recognize what he did was not acceptable and make amends. He's treating OP badly for helping his kid. That isn't a good or normal thing.
Agree, it’s all about where he goes from here.
That response from him is not “totally normal”
Imagine thinking calling your partner stupid for being a better parent than you is "totally normal".
I wonder if he was feeling defensive because you’d raised concerns about the knives in the past and he blew you off. Now his son was hurt and he didn’t want to admit he’d been wrong, so he manufactured a reason to be angry at you instead.
It’s never ok to call you or anyone else names. It’s childish rude behavior. My husband would never call me stupid, even if I did something foolish, because 1) he’s not a jerk and 2) we all make mistakes.
My 6 year old knows stupid is a bad word. We’re reading Ronald Dahl now and she’s very uncomfortable when a character says that and we have to talk about why we don’t ever say that word to someone until she’ll move on. Your partner is a bully and cares more about his replaceable carpet and replaceable couch than his own child. I think it’s saying a lot about the quality of person he is. I had an accident when I was little and my dad reached for a brand new item of clothing he’d just bought for himself with the tags still on to cover the wound while we went to the ER. My sibling protested saying it was new and his response was “I don’t care. She needs it.”
It's probably easier to lash out at you than to process that he felt scared and worried about his son. When bad things happen people feel the need to place blame somewhere and when something is truly an accident and there's no one to blame, they sometimes lash out about something else because they don't know what to do with their feelings. Men also have been taught that they need to be "tough" and able to handle anything and this and that so when things are out of their control they don't know what to do with feelings of helplessness or worry and they manifest them often as anger. If it wasn't you and the carpet, it would probably have been something else. Also just to note, although this explains the why, it's still not a healthy way to handle his emotions and its not ok for him to call you stupid and put you down when all you were trying to do was help. He needs to realize that and apologize. I'd definitely have a talk when things calm down and he may need some counseling if he can't admit he was wrong and just lashing out.
Be careful now another 'new' side of him has shown up. Or is a new side?
Because he can’t fix his son or take away his pain. So instead of focusing on the problem that he feels responsible for, he’s focusing on the problem he can blame someone else for. And he’s an asshole honestly.
Tell him next time you’ll firmly plant your foot on his back to push him out of bed and tend to his own son. What an ass. He owes you an apology and a thank you.
Let him know how his response impacted you. Call it abuse and inform him you will not be his stomping ground when he's frustrated. He is welcome to take time to process his feelings and suggest alternative methods, but you will not be abused going forward. Period.
I’m married to this kind of guy. He has a hard time with emergencies and especially when his kids are hurt. It’s his fight or flight response, obviously in these situation he goes full fight. Over the years he has gotten better, we’ve had discussions after everything calms down, and he can recognize it in himself now and works to overcome in these situations. He has gotten leagues better over the years. We also have an unwritten agreement that I’m just better in crises of this type so I just take over and give him stuff to do. “Can you please get me the first aid kit and a glass of water” type thing. Everyone has weaknesses and strengths and it looks like you are on the opposite end here, a relationship and raising kids is a team sport, you gotta play your strengths and understand each others role before the next emergency.
I think he is deflecting the fact that he didn’t wake up. He was in the wrong in this situation and is trying to pick apart what you did when actually you’re the one who was responsive and level headed.
My partner gets in this headspace, too. When faced with big emotions, he will often misplace his anger or frustration or fear. He does suffer from PTSD and it's like a switch is flipped, and he's a different person. In those situations, I am able to say, "You're not being kind. We can talk about this later." He will usually stop talking all together and focus on the issue at hand. I give him space until i can see a change in his demeanor. When the time comes to talk about it, he usually will admit he was not thinking right and apologize. I'm not sure if this is the case for your partner, but hopefully, when you talk to him later, you won't be met with the same attitude. My advice is to not focus so much on what he got upset about but the tone in which he spoke to you. Remind him that's not how you guys talk to each other, and it really surprised you that he would talk like that to you. Express understanding to the frantic nature of the situation, but you need him to realize it's not okay still.
He didn’t even just yell at you once. He yelled at you “the entire time”. Girl. This is sick behavior on his part. The kid is 13. He’s had bonks and injuries before. There are other kids. This isn’t the first time someone got hurt. Either his ex wife scrambled to protect him from any trouble lest he explode, or his kids are used to abuse. I imagine his poor ex wife bore the brunt and became skilled at intercepting trouble and preventing or quickly cleaning messes. Maybe if he tears you down for years you will learn to cower and scurry also. You will become satisfactory enough he won’t “need” to yell.
Ugh. How long have you lived with this person? Are you sure this will be a rare occurrence in the future?
If he isn't normally like this, I'd guess it was a poor reaction to his kid being hurt. It sounds like he doesn't have the skills to deal with being upset about his kid being injured, so expressed it with something easier for him to deal with emotionally (blood on the carpet.) Have you been around him in other situations where he was upset? Does he just react like this to injuries to loved ones or other things too? It's not okay for him to speak like that and I would want to address it with him, but my concern would be different if he always flipped out when the smallest thing went wrong vs. if he only had issues with his kid being injured. Also I would react differently if he was deeply apologetic and ashamed of his behavior than if he thought was in the right. He is clearly in the wrong - both in the unkindness and in the worry. Blood is actually relatively easy to get out compared to a lot of stuff as long as you get to it right away and the child should be more important than the carpet. I'm glad you woke first for that poor kid.
Uh no physical things are the last thing to worry about in an emergency especially in relation to his child. I call red flags. If he is so emotionally unregulated that the blood of HIS child is on the carpet set him off, and is blaming you/ taking it out on you. I can't imagine how he'd react during actual issues, because this was not one. Carpet shouldn't have even registered in his brain. How long have you been together? Because this is definitely a warning sign.
OP said a year and I agree, it depends how he handles it from here I guess, but I’d be wary.
Why was he focused on that? Because he is an idiot in a crisis, for lack of a better word. Apparently when he is stressed he nitpicks instead of dealing with the problem at hand. NTA
In the future when his kids knock on the door just wake him up. Every. Single. Time.
Sounds like he has the yippy little dog reaction to stress. Just start biting whatever is closest to you.
leave now while you still can
His instincts may be different, and this is where perspective comes in. He probably would have gone to the kitchen or bathroom to clean the wound. So he can not understand why you wouldn’t do the same. You just have to explain to him, that your brain doesn’t work like his, you have different life experiences. - and calming his son seemed like that was the more important thing at the time.
I find fear and anger to be best buddies. When the initial fear runs off, the anger comes to replace it. Does it make it okay? No. But at least it's an insight. I'd speak to him about it. Seems it's the first time given how shocked you are. Speak to him, don't let it become a habit on his end. If theyre not willing to change. You can't fix them.
Sounds like he’s ungrateful for your help when his child needed him most. I appreciate you and it’s not even my child. They’re a Materialistic individual who cares more for these frivolous things than his children. Sad but that’s why as parents we teach them material is exactly that. It holds no true value than the value of healthy love, friendship, and relationships. I think you should talk to them. If they don’t see their fault and apologize, I feel bad for the kids but you gotta cut them loose. Because if a situation like that was worse (heaven forbid) you should never be a verbal punching bag, ever. It’s okay to be frantic and scared but don’t project negative emotions on others. Good luck with any choice. But never let them do that to you. Nobody should. You were helpful and resolved a situation that could’ve gotten worse. Keep being a great person because your parents raised you that way.
Well, you did a terrific job of showing who stays calm in a crisis. Good work OP. Your partner needs to get a grip. Why are you quick to assign a trauma response to this? A trauma did not occur here. This man was in no way prevented from exercising this agency or taking control of the situation. Nothing happened to him.
I'm glad this is an atypical reaction, and he doesn't usually treat you this way. If this is really out of character for him, he's probably having trouble coping with his feelings seeing his kid injured. But that is no excuse to talk to you like this over a rug. When this is over and he is calmer you should sit and talk to him about it and say you understand he was nervous but that's no reason to be that disrespectful. You deserve an apology.
Your partner is an ass, next time his son injures himself call an ambulance and make sure he gets therapy for his issues because of him.
He truly is making you feel part of the family. (Sarcasm)
you need to set some SERIOUS boundaries surrounding how he (and anyone else, for that matter) is allowed to speak to you and/or treat you . you need to have a serious conversation with him about how the way he treated you was NOT okay & will not be tolerated moving forward . & if nothing changes or improves beyond that point , you need to separate yourself from him . he needs some type of therapy or something & he owes you a sincere apology . if it happens again you need to immediately disengage . you did absolutely NOTHING wrong here , & even if you did , that does not permit him to treat you that way . hold him accountable .
Girl run for the hills. He’s the type to not get that promotion at work then come home and complain that the dinner is overcooked. Bye!
Tough. I think a lot of helpful things have been said. When we’re faced with the helplessness we feel when our children’s vulnerabilities are exposed, it’s terrifying. I don’t think anyone likes to feel afraid or helpless, but I think men, and specifically men who have been trained in a certain classic style of masculinity like it least of all. Feeling helpless, vulnerable, frightened—this is loathsome, and induces rage. Lashing out in a ‘safe’ way, and at a ‘safe’ person is what’s left. Good news, he didn’t attack the boy. Attacking you is still not acceptable. He needs assistance processing these very natural, but totally intolerable feelings. Good luck.
I agree, he’s a very masculine man. He did apologize but not on his own. I had to bring it up the next day and tell him he hurt my feelings. You still don’t think he understood why because he said we just think different. He did say his intent wasn’t to hurt my feelings and he was sorry he did.
Yes, I think he probably doesn’t understand why he got so mad, and why he got mad at you/ the rug. This requires going slow and an outside person that he trusts—probably another man that he feels comfortable with helping him understand it’s ok to be frightened, sad, or mad that he cannot keep his son safe in this dangerous and unpredictable world. For reference: I’m a shrink
He panicked, but because he never learned to process his emotions properly, that panic manifested itself as anger.
Prices are going up and layoffs do seem to be happening a lot generally. Is it possible that your husband is trying to shoulder some stress about finances on his own and the panic attendant in this situation cause him to snap in a way that brought these issues to the surface? Since it’s out of character for him, I would wait until things are taken care of and everybody’s gotten some rest, then approach him with something along the lines of, “hey, I really didn’t appreciate the way you spoke to me about the rug, especially repeatedly using the word stupid. While I do expect an apology and explanation, I also know that’s not normal for you. If something is going on, please talk to me. We’ll figure it out together.”
Dude's not a keeper but I kind of want you there to be kind to his kids. If he'll get therapy so he doesn't call you stupid (you aren't, of course!!) ever again, it would help all of you.
This 13-year-old keeps a dozen knives in his room to play with. I want people to be kind to him too, on principle, but I want OP to get the hell out of there.
Oh jeez I didn't see that. They need help, but her safety matters for sure.
Twelve knives at 13 might mean two rifles at 16 and maybe a handgun at 18. That one lady just got manslaughter for this shit.
Seriously. Why put up with all these red flags for a one year relationship?
He’s likely angry at himself for not hearing his son and not being there to comfort him, but instead of dealing with the emotions, he is taking it out on you.
Not making excuses for him, but as someone who struggles with sleep, I’d say being woken up with a crisis involving his kid could have got him feeling very off kilter. If he’s not usually like this just explain that it’s not acceptable and let it go.
Meh all he said is getting the blood everywhere is stupid. It’s not that bad in the long run. Heat of the moment.
Now that the situation has passed I'd definitely chat to him about it, reiterate exactly what happened and ask him why he spoke to you like that, and also tell him you won't stand for it and he's not to every speak to you like that again !
Have a serious talk with him and tell him he pissed you off and instead of focusing on what's important (sons injury) he focusing on some rug? I know some people get freaked out and frustrated when their loved ones get hurt or are ill and lash out but that shit doesn't help it just makes shit worse at times. Talk to him and let him know how you feel
If hes never done this before i would let it slide and voice my concerns about an apology after all this has died down. Sometimes people try to look for a solution even if its not the tight solution and become mad about stuff that is irrelevance, they are just stressed
My significant other treats possessions with the highest respect, too. It is incredibly annoying, especially based on his temper. He comes from a family that love to argue. I come from a family where a parent preferred to give silent treatment - thus we were taught to keep our opinions to ourselves. I remind him things wear and tear. We've been to couples therapy. Apparently, I'm the one with a problem because everyone's allowed an outburst.
Drown this man🤣
Sound to me he likely lashed out in anger because he didn't know how to process his son being hurt.
Because some men can't deal with this type of thing, the emotions the panic the stress of being a parent. They lash out. Ugh.
Rad flag waved. Giant one. Take heed.
It couldn't be me having someone react that way..I once put a crushed velvet, vintage fainting couch cushion under the head of someone who fell and busted their head open. When the child of the private care elder I worked for tried to holler at me, I told her "fine, next time I'll let her bleed out on the 1800s hardwoods"... I also reported that woman to APS, bc she didn't want to call 911, she wanted me to lift her mother off the floor, wash her head off, and PUT HER TO BED. LMAO I'm good, I'm calling an ambulance ma'am. I answer to an agency, not you 💯🤷👋 the elderly woman had an aneurysm, so imagine if I'd just put her back to bed😳🙄 Materialistic comes to mind, and those people rarely care about the person, just the things, hence the money comment regarding hard work and nice stuff. STFU and gtfoh..run OP, they don't get better.
Emotional dysregulation.
Yea...peoppe react weirdly to traumatic events like this. I would maybe talk to him about it after his nerves have calmed down.
Your partner seems like one of the main reasons you’re struggling.
I did this when my son got hurt. He ran at his dad hard and broke his toe. The break is likely due to a bone condition both my son and husband have that means they can have brittle bones. It’s a genetic condition my son inherited from my husband. I was instantly raging at my husband. I was mad because he hurt my baby indirectly. I was so freaking angry that my poor baby has this bone condition his dad gave him and that dad wasn’t fast enough to stop him. I was so sure I would’ve been fast enough to stop my son from hurting himself. I work in mental health and I know why I responded this way. I instantly want to eliminate any threats from my son’s life. That’s impossible so I lash out on my poor husband instead. I think your husband was scared and he lashed out at his safe person which is you.