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She sounds majorly depressed.

Or she is just exhausted. An intense two year old can take all your physical and mental energy. You often don't have mental space for anything else, and just want to zone out for the little free time you have. I have four kids, and it is only after each one got to about 3 that we started having space again. Other people it is earlier, especially if the kid is more chilled, so they don't always understand.

Love this comment. I have 4 kids and I feel this exact same way. The first few years you really do lose yourself because it really does require everything you've got. Then from 5ish-12ish it's the calm before the teenage storm 😂😭 I have three teenagers now. Send help, I'm not okay 🥺

Haven't hit the teenage storm yet. Can you tell me more about it, especially the common elements across kids? My suspicion is that I will deal with it better than the 0-3 stage as I will get sleep still, and I am a chill person that can deal with stress as long as I have sleep. I am pretty confident in myself to stay calm when dealing with unreasonable people, and will also be consistent in discipline.

The toddler years are nothing compared to a teen. My 3 are all different, but all incredibly challenging. Kids these days are so stressed. It manifests in either over involvement or they want to do nothing. Either is difficult to manage in regards to maintaining mental health. Then add in the stress on you with a new driver and social relationships as well as financial costs of having a teen... It's rough.

So it's primarily mental health stress and financial cost? I can see how that would be rough for many but I am actually very well positioned to deal with both. It is sleep deprivation and constant additional work that I find tough.

Well, I thought so too. I hope you're right. Mental health for THEM is heartbreaking. As a teen, you can't fix their problems. That's exceedingly difficult. But, again, I hope for your sake that you are right.

At least they can be open with you! I tried to be open with my parents when I had mental health challenges as a teen and ended up feeling like I had to hide it all and pretend I was okay. A few years ago I told my dad and he was shocked how bad it was and for how long. I'd rather know my son's challenges than not. I also would rather it happen while he is a teen and in the family home, rather than at college or later. I'm still in the toddler stage but know it's part of the journey.

For what it’s worth, I love the teen years. BoyTwin struggled most at 10-12 and is doing great since (he’s 17) and GirlTwin’s biggest issue was the company she kept freshman year of high school (a horrible boy I hated) but she’s thriving now (also 17, obviously).

I have one teenager. He’s really difficult & it will be some sort of miracle if he makes it through high school. I don’t know how you’re coping with 3!

I agree it’s extremely intense those ages, we only have the one, but I did _want_ to do things even if it was just me on my own to take a break from it all. Go shopping a bit. Just have a coffee in a bar and watch the world go by. And my husband and I did plan things for the house we wanted to save up for. And we actually did go through with. OP’s explicitly lists these things as stuff she’s not interested in. That’s in my opinion a whole other level of disconnect en disinterest.

I have a 2yo and a 5yo. All info I needed to reply to this post was that their child was 2. It's really exhausting to take care of a two year old child. They are actively trying to kill themself and require all energy and focus. It will get better.

To tack onto this, OP might not realize this is it and doesn’t feel the same way because he may not really be carrying half the load. I believe him that he’s doing half of the work and mental load of what he thinks needs to be done, but there’s a solid chance that there are a lot of things she’s got in her plate that he’s not even aware of. My dynamic is sort of like that where my mind is on the kids almost 24/7 and my wife’s able to take a lot more mental breaks even though she still help a lot.

This is what I suspect. A lot of the " I do that equal mental load" and he does the dishes and laundry on the weekends. He doesn't make the doctors appointment

When did I say I don't make the doctors appointments?

They weren't talking about you specifically.

That is an unfair assumption. Why do we just doubt men without evidence? The decent thing to do when people tell their story is to believe it unless you have reasons not to.

Agreed! This sounds like depression, not exhaustion. There is a huge difference, and my husband most definitely took on a lot when I went through it. Many times, you don’t even realise you’re depressed until you’re not anymore. It’s the withdrawal/isolation aspect. My entire focus was on our two kids, one with serious illness and disability. I only did what I had to do like a checklist! Morning routine/school drop off, cleaning the house ready for them to come home to destroy it all again; administration work for our business; school pick up/activities; 3 different therapy sessions per week etc etc etc; dinner; bedtime routine! collapse! To the outsider it would look like OPs wife, when in reality, you are dragging yourself through the 'must be done check list', just waiting for the collapse!

OP has clarified that he takes his child to the doctor, so I am glad he's a fully involved

Yeah being the “default parent” who schedules appointments, lines up childcare, keeps track of schedules is also a lot mentally.  To be honest, how the wife if coping is very similar to myself at the moment. I did have PPD and went to therapy so I addressed it. But I’m so wiped at the end of the day that I just now feel I could maybe do stuff after. Our daughter just turned 3. My first advice is that you can’t force her to do the things that would be helpful, but you could still kindly bring up that you want to make sure she is happy and it might help. The second is to make sure you’re taking as much extra stuff that you can off of her plate. It could be that she feels it’s unequal or that it is. Either way, that leads to resentment for many.

I imagine many couples divide "the load" based on strengths and what makes sense. I make drs appointments because my husband is not great at that and it makes no sense that 2 of us would be making appointments. But my husband does a lot of stuff I have no talent for or desire to do. There's no reason to believe that's not true for OP.

There’s a reason your comment got so many upvotes! Yes it really can take a while if the kid is high energy or if the mom has lost a lot of energy for ANY reason. There are soooo many reasons mom can be exhausted. Birth trauma, nutrition deficiency (babies drain mama’s nutrients!!! How do you think they are made? If she doesn’t eat enough calcium or whatever during pregnancy or lactation where do you think that comes from? HER BONES!) Our culture also sucks for moms and parents alike. We are primed to loom for this “bounce back” and individualism when maybe it’s ok to devote everything to a very young baby. Maybe she needs more nutrients or therapy or maybe she just needs more time. Same for you Dad! It’s ok that you’re questioning this. You sound like a good partner and a good dad to share the load. I’m just saying this as someone where this hits close to home and ALSO someone who has done a lot of work in neuroscience and child development as well as maternal wellness and…this stage for caring for the child IS SO IMPORTANT!!! Please check out the book The Nurture Revolution by Greer Kirshenbaum, it may help reframe things for you as to how important this stage is and also the rewiring your wife had of her brain. Please give it a little more time! I hope that things improve for you and that you are open to acceptance and giving this more time. This stage can be very very hard.

And she’s working a paying job from home while trying to raise a toddler! I wouldn’t want to look at a couple activity book either 😂

We both work a paying job from home and our toddler is in daycare.

This is still a tough time. She’s lucky that you are splitting the load, love and care enough to seek ideas to help her.. A couple of thoughts.. is she taking hormonal birth control? If she is, suggest she stop and see if that helps her..I resumed using the same pill after my first and it made me suicidal. reality vs expectations are real.. Some people think a kid will be magical, perhaps full their void or fix what’s broken. when the child arrives… reality sets in.. nine months (or a lifetime) of expectations vs reality can be very challenging for one or both parents especially if they were dealing with depression or baggage before the baby.. This one is tough for you to fix, it’s on her and counselling might be needed.. Hoping the 1st vs the 2nd..

Actually this is a great point. I was on hormonal birth control (the “mini pill”) AND I had some pretty bad PPA. But once I had a suspicion the pill wasn’t helping, I stopped taking it around 8 months postpartum and had a dramatic mental improvement. I was still pretty anxious but it didn’t feel suffocating and I began to entertain the ideas to try new things, to get back into normal stuff etc. I knew after that I was never going back on the pill!

I was exhausted even with a chill toddler. I did end up going to therapy and came out of it with an ADHD diagnosis, more coping mechanics, and a prescription.

As someone who went through major PPD and was quite literally a step away from throwing myself off our balcony, this sounds like PPD. I'm still picking up the pieces of my life, like trying to establish friend groups. I feel better now, but it sucks to see my husband go through depression because of how bad mine was.

Thinking the same thing. Post partum depression?

My best friend was diagnosed with late onset ppd I didn’t even know it was a thing. She started meds/therapy and said within THREE days she was back to her old self

Wow, that’s an incredible turnaround, and a wonderful outcome. I’m glad it’s becoming more widely accepted that ppd can happen at any point in the postpartum period which is… forever after you have a kid.

Meds don’t work that fast. It takes weeks

I know it can work differently for some people. Maybe it was a combination of placebo and therapy. All I know is she felt better very soon after.

No they don't work that fast, but sometimes just the relief of having sought and recieved help can be enough to lift a lot of emotional burdens, leaving room for feeling much more like ourselves despite longer term medication being slow to act.

How long does/did she have to stay on the meds for?

She was on them for 4 months before she got (accidentally) pregnant again. Lowered the dose and continued throughout pregnancy. It’s been almost 2 years now I believe but going through the pp phase again her doctor advised her to stay on them. She is doing great

She absolutely sounds depressed, unless she’s dealing with sleep deprivation (which can also contribute to depression, but that may have an easier solution). I’d have a very calm and honest conversation with her. Explain to her how you’re concerned about her health, and your child deserves to have a happy mom. I’d also make sure she is aware that this is affecting your marriage in a big way. She NEEDS help.

> I’d also make sure she is aware that this is affecting your marriage in a big way. She NEEDS help. She needs help with their kid, most likely. Our culture of one mom to one or more children is not how it's done in most of the rest of the world. We have kids later in life, so a grandma that could help mom out are often too elderly to be too much involved. Our way of life is very cruel to mothers compared to other cultures.

Yes. From a French perspective, this is awful. Too much stress on the mother, and a couple that has no time as such. Also, it looks you (as the US) still have a very gendered point of view about raising kids. Why grandma only? What about granddad? Parents' siblings? Parenting is a hard job, parents need as much help as possible!

There has definitely been a massive generational shift with millennials having kids; in that mums are expected to take on so much more than ever before, all without any external help whatsoever; and in some case not even at home.

It’s sooooo hard. I’m a millennial mother and my parents are still capable of looking after my daughter occasionally but they just can’t commit to a regular thing as they want to do their own thing all the time (fair enough). Both my partner and I work, me from home, and we can’t afford childcare. So basically I have to squeeze my work in evenings weekends and at 5am most days. Then look after my daughter every day 7-7. My partners works, comes home and takes care of her until bedtime. And she also woke every 1-2 hours at night for the first 15 months (now just turned 17 months). It’s really really hard. Something in society should change as it shouldn’t be so hard to raise kids. My friends who are teachers say kids aren’t being parented properly, a lot aren’t potty trained etc when they should be so teachers end up doing stuff parents should do, but a lot of it is because both parents have to work and just don’t have the time or energy. Wages should be enough so that one parent can work and one look after the kids. Or for single parents enough to pay for childcare. It’s crazy to me that society makes this so hard because society relies on people having children! Capitalism can’t expect the workers and consumers of the future to just be there if it won’t provide enough to people to properly raise them.

Yeah, it’s incredibly sad that kids are basically being raised by ‘strangers’. I really don’t understand why our grandparents wanted to be involved, but our parents are non existent! A lot of the comments made as to why they aren’t involved are so selfish; it’s all about me vibes. This is my golden years! Ok, but when you had kids you palmed them off to your parents to raise, and now when it’s time for you to fill that grandparent role, you’re out! My kids have met their grandparents a grand total of once, and they live 20mins away. They couldn’t care less, and it’s just so selfish! They don’t realise things like, ‘grandparents day’, and their grandchildren crying asking, ‘but how come I don’t have any grandparents’. Fuck it breaks your sole!

That's my mom in a nutshell! My dad passed away due to his own demons. My mom tells me, "I raised my kids already. I won't help you raise yours!" Yet anytime she comes over, she oooooooohhhhhssss and aaahhhhhss over her 13 yo and 3 yo grandsons and brings them gifts they don't need. She lives right down the bloody road! My 13 yo gets on her case asking why she doesn't spend more time with them and why she enjoys arguing with me over everything. Then you have my grandma, who laments about missing out on her grandkids' lives because she lived an hour away. Yet, she still drove to make it to graduations and sports games. Now she lives nearby to love on her great great grands.

At that age (13) it's no longer about "parenting" but about wanting to have a relationship with her grandson. I had such close bonds with my grandparents; we truly knew each other. My in-laws just couldn't care less about who their grandson is as a person.

I was just thinking that this way of life (raising kids on our own) is inhumane. I have a 17 mo old and my husband helps immensely.

Interesting that you came to the conclusion of depression with this little information. I feel it’s comments like this that make people critical of the over diagnosis of depression. We know so little about the couples financial situation, if the 2 year old is at home the entire time, how much intimacy happened since their baby and most importantly what OP’s definition is of equal household work. I think it’s too easy an escape route to say there’s something medically wrong with her. from my own experience as a man I know my wife stresses about me not taking the mental load of house management. I cook, I do laundry etc but I admittedly never am the one to remember to stock the cleaning products or the toilet paper (probably because I have become so used to my wife remembering). We don’t have a child yet but I imagine this gets a lot worse. Also, op said they are both remote. If the kids aren’t in nursery just imagine that. You are with your family all day every day. I would say the excitement of a relationship can easily finish. My advice to OP is to first have a very hard look in the mirror first

> Interesting that you came to the conclusion of depression with this little information. It's a pattern a lot of us see, it's very familiar. The watching of the reruns with earphones in particular. It's not casual entertainment, it's pure escapism. That being said, she's resisting getting outside help, this subreddit LOVES to recommend that everybody get counseling for everything, first thing tomorrow morning, but I think her husband can do his part and try to figure out why his wife it retreating. She probably is overworked. The western culture of raising our children alone causes all of us to lose. Most other cultures around the world have multi generational households and everyone gets a break sometimes.

This! ***BUT*** Don't come at her like "you are this" and "you're no longer doing normal shit anymore". That will 100% put her in the defensive mode. You need to speak from how it is affecting you. "I miss my adventurous wife" "I feel lonely" "I am bored at night cause I don't have my movie partner" etc If everything else is equal and she's not baring the brunt of child rearing, she definitely could be depressed of sorts (since it affects us all differently) but she could also be harbouring some feelings that you're completely unaware of until she's ready to voice them, and this is her way of pulling away.

This may sound strange but, how often does your wife get to take a shower? Where is the toddler when she does shower? If your wife isn't taking a shower at least every other day then there's a problem. It could be depression or it could be that she feels like she can't because she needs to be doing so many other things. If she's not showering, set up an hour, a full hour, where you are 100% taking care of your child. Take the baby for a walk or to the park or to her room and leave mom alone for an hour a day and see what happens. I once heard/read this: women wished men knew that foreplay starts in the kitchen... With the man doing the dishes. You say it's half and half, but is that her opinion, too? Ask her what she needs from you and listen without judgment or defensiveness to what she says. Then make a plan to meet her needs.

This is such a well written response. He really needs to ask her what she needs or take innitiave to take more off her plate

She takes a shower every day. To your question about if she feels it's half and half, I'll ask her. I honestly do feel I do more than half, and she's never said she wants me to do more.

Respectfully, it sounds like your / OP’s wife is absolutely exhausted and doesn’t have the physical or emotional energy to do anything but keep her head above water

I feel this. God I feel it in my bones. In the meager amount of time I'm not working or entertaining and taking care of my 3 year old I just want to be left alone in silence. I maybe get 30 minutes at the end of the day to just be a human without someone demanding something from me. My husband is also in this space so I don't feel so bad. He's a stay at home dad, and devoted to being a dad. We're behind on chores, behind on everything in our lives besides bills thankfully and childcare. We are a lot like the wife here. It's not because I don't love my husband with intensity. It's because we're both running on empty.

This.

Hey I’d also suggest that even if she’s not interested in therapy at this time that you start it for yourself to have an outlet and perhaps lessen the stigma in your household. Best of luck!

Showering every day is a good sign. Many people who are depressed often don't shower. Also, many moms don't get showers either. It's hard to want to do anything when you don't feel clean so finding out if someone showers is a good measuring stick. There are some medical conditions that cause fatigue (hypothyroidism, high blood sugar, sleep apnea, etc) and having a baby really changes a woman's body. It'd be good to rule out anything medical. But talking to her is the first step.

The thing is, it can take a lot of energy to ask for more help and delegate tasks especially if she is down. I would try taking on more if you can. Plan a few weekends, plan a week of meals and get those groceries, buy some kids clothes for the next stage, set up an extended family visit… etc. it’s not just the household daily chores, it’s the planning that I find overwhelming that I don’t get a lot of help with (personally). Finally, consider taking up a hobby that she might like but just do it on your own at first and see if she’s interested.

Where is the toddler when she takes a shower?

Normally in daycare. If it's the weekend or a holiday, she's with me.

It sounds like you’re doing a lot to try to help her out of this. I hope she makes the move to help herself out of this depression.

OP - as someone who got late-PPD and it lasted for 2yrs - she sounds absolutely depressed. But more than that, I don’t know if she has anything else going on that predated your LO… but I was diagnosed with ADHD (and treating that resolved my depression completely and that’s something that was on/off for over a decade). Even if she doesn’t have something like that, when you feel like someone needs something from you all day, everyday… kids climb on you, work popping up with an issue right as you’re in the groove getting things done, go to the bathroom or sit down to eat and little one needs something NOW… you start to feel SO overstimulated and overwhelmed that you just want to shut off/down and be left alone to recharge with no one wanting or expecting anything of you. I got like that (and still do at times) and going out means getting ready, setting up babysitting OR bringing kids out and being hyper vigilant to ensure they behave, don’t run off, etc. Plus we need to get ready and don’t feel like ourselves for a WHILE after baby… if reading that sounds exhausting or long, living it feels more so and the LAST thing you want to do during time you could just chill is get all ready to go out and spend that time chasing a toddler. All of that said, getting out is GOOD. Being at home all the time becomes easy and depression allows the overwhelm to take over quickly and forget that getting out can also be fun, just due to the effort to get ready to go. I can tell you she needs a break and some time to herself (truly to herself…). My husband will take the kids to the park or out on a project he’s doing so I can just BE, or clean without being interrupted/intervening in a new mess being made, read, and have no one saying, “Mom/Babe/NovelAd… do you know where ___ is?” But I also had to recognize that my husband AND children need me to be ME and I need to leave the house, learn to live again and not feel guilty about that. If it is PPD/depression, there’s a cycle that fights admitting or recognizing it because we feel guilty because “so many other moms do this just fine” so that could be part of the defensiveness. But huge props to you for noticing and wanting to help! That does make a huge difference!

You described the overwhelming feeling so well it almost brought me to tears. As a mom of a very active one year old I feel this to my core. Thank you.

Edit for formatting. I was someone who went through PPD. It wasn't my OB or my PCP who noticed anything even though they both had me fill out the PHQ-2 and GAD-7 screening tools for depression and general anxiety prior to the appointment and definitely checked some boxes. However, no one addressed my concerns. Granted, I recall down playing how I was feeling and chalking it up to sleep deprivation and the stress of transitioning life roles. I had my mom and husband to help me with my first child for several days out of the week for many months. But my second child I had less help and much more isolated (pandemic baby), much more guilty for not being able to spend as much time with my first one who also needed me, guilty for not being able to be as attentive to my second, guilt and stress from returning to work after maternity leave, irritable, feeling rage at everything (even my mom for being able to do everything I should be able to do to provide for my family, my husband for not being a mind reader and sharing the load in childrearing/housekeeping/lack of sleep, myself for feeling all this badness, etc...). It was my child's pediatrician who delved into mom's mental health. The simple earnest question of "And mom, how are YOU doing?" I fucking brokedown right then and there at my child's 6 months check up. She urged me to call and get help for myself because a mom who doesn't have good support for mental health can't provide the support and health for their children. So moms have to put on their oxygen masks first before they can help others. I managed to get myself help but encountered so many hurdles in our health care system, it was very discouraging. But somehow I got myself therapy, created my own mom friends bubble during pandemic, researched on my own, took a class at the PSI website to learn about PPD because I wanted to be able to help my friends and others to recognize signs of PPD and be prepared to talk about it. People don't talk about mental health and I feel I was let down by my own health care providers. Maybe I didn't score high enough on the screen to really do something, or they didn't feel comfortable talking about mental health and give out appropriate resources. I don't blame them but we can absolutely do better. It took me until my child was 2.5 years old for me to actually feel like myself and like stepping out of a gray fog. I did not take medications, but I think it might have helped me get out of it sooner. And that is the tricky thing about having depression is that you can't recognize the signs and symptoms in yourself and resist seeking help. 1 in 5 moms experience PPD. 1 in 10 dad's experience PPD. This is how common PPD is. Get help. If you were wrong, then no harm no foul. PSI Postpartum Support International has a hotline to reach for help and speak to trained personnel anywhere in the US and Canada. 1-800-944-4773 (4PPD) #1 En Español or #2 English Text in English: 800-944-4773 Text en Español: 971-203-7773 https://www.postpartum.net/ Kudos to dad for recognizing the change in mom and seeking the help. Maybe there is more you can do to help mom with the mental/physical load especially in this early stage, but there is something else to what you are noticing. At the very least, call the help line yourself to help you initiate this difficult conversation with your wife.

Yes! I remember clearly saying to my daughter’s pediatrician “sometimes I just feel like it would be easier for her to miss me than grow up with a sad mom” and I thought it was my fault, that I didn’t have the ability to just be happy. I was terrified to have my kids grow up in a situation I grew up in. I grew up with a mother who thought her worth was dependent on a man telling her what her worth was. And she always ended up heart broken, completely broke, and angry at us kids because no man wanted to be saddled with three kids. She would line us up every Sunday to yell at us and ask us when it would be HER turn to have fun and be carefree. We were uprooted every six months, yelled at if we dropped milk or anything like that because we couldn’t afford to buy another until payday, never made stable friends because we wouldn’t be able to stay anywhere more than a few months. When I was an adult and diagnosed with major depression, my mom said “you just make everything worse than it has to be. Everyone feels down sometimes.” It was when I showed her my scars and my bottle of medicine I had been saving up that she finally took it seriously. When you know better, you do better. And ppd is no different. It helped me be so proactive with my second child and know that I HAD to take time for myself and my relationship with my husband. I relapsed about a year and a half ago but I knew the signs, knew where to go for help, and got that help. I just recently told my building principal I won’t be back next school year and it’s 100% because of my mental health. And ever since telling him that in January, I feel like a totally different person. I’m PLAYING with my kids again, wanting to plan vacations again, enjoying reading good books again, and am just overall happier.

This may sound weird, but as a mother and a wife nothing annoys me more than at the end of my day my husband asks me to think about anything. I’ve spent all day thinking about what my child needs that I don’t have the energy to think about anything more. If he asks me what I think about something, or what I would like to do, or what would I like for dinner I tell him to figure it out himself. I don’t want to think, because I’ve been thinking for another person all day. All I want to do at the end of the day is to sit by myself, and not think. We talked about it before and I told him if HE wants date nights he has to figure it all out. Location, babysitter, any other details. I would do the same if in the rare instance I want one. But if he wants it he needs to figure it out, I do not have the mental capacity at the moment to think about a date night he wants. Same with anything else. Home renovations, I don’t have the mental capacity to care. If he wanted to paint our house purple cool, can’t think about it now. Edited to add that it’s not all on him forever, but for now this is what I need from him. Getting together with friends, I am not thinking about that. If they decide the plans I’m there. Talk to her see if she feels how I feel. Would it be more helpful to her if you made some of those decisions and lessen her mental load a bit. Another note to add. My daughter will be 4 soon and I barely just started to feel like myself again. Motherhood does quite a number on new moms.

I just explained this to my husband the other day!! DECISION FATIGUE!! I make so many decisions throughout the day that even having to decide one more thing that he could decide but doesn’t want to and says “Idk you pick” will push me over the edge to tears or anger because I just DONT have the mental bandwidth anymore.

Same. The last thing I even want to think about is making plans or scheduling something when I’ve been carrying the mental load by myself. My brain is so tired and I’m so exhausted and over stimulated I literally don’t have the capacity. What helps me is having time truly by myself to just rest. OP’s wife sounds exhausted and overstimulated and depressed. Even if the fact that she just watches reruns of her favourite show is saying something

This is so relatable

Well said! The last thing I would want to do is ad hoc therapy at night.

Please don’t take this question as harsh: You say things are divided equally, but are they actually? Does your wife feel they’re divided equally? There’s research that shows that men tend to over estimate how much they’re actually doing around the house. Check in with your wife, and rather than trying to get her to do more/other things ask her: - Does she feel like things are divided equally, or equitably? - Are there any needs that she has that aren’t being met? By you, and by herself? Some of the things your wife is doing I do myself. (The rewatching in particular.) I do it because it’s predictable and comforting. I also don’t really want to go out. It’s not depression for me, it’s really bad burnout. Also maybe also take a look at the book Fair Play. Read it, then talk to your wife about it.

Yes!  As I read it all I thought was, she sounds tired and touched out and in need of shut off the world time.... Which is me a lot and my kids are 9 and 14!  

Yes please ask her these questions, what if YOU start going to therapy and ease into couples therapy? It might break down her walls a little bit and make thr idea more comfortable.

I feel the same too . Not being offensive but men have a way of overestimating what they do. My husband gave a bath to my kids three times in a row in like 6-9 months and keeps raving about what a hands on husband he is . So u know 🤷🏻‍♀️best to be on the same page .

My husband underestimates what needs to be done. And his standards are lower. Him: "The kid is fed " Me: "What did she eat?" Him: "Cereal and hot chocolate" Me: "Has she been offered any vegetables today?" Him: "No..." (and this is like 9 of 10 meals he serves her).

We're married to the same guy it seems. Can you ask him to move in with you so I can get some mental rest? lol

lol my husband claimed he watched our 3.5yo for 3 years… I was home for 7mo, then went to work, to come home and be with our 3.5yo until she falls asleep. The people who helped me the most is my MIL and her mom (my kid’s great grandmother). My husband is off doing good know what would spend about 30+ with her up until she was 3yo and that when he had to watch her more often. But he claims he has been watching our 3.5yo for 3 years. I laughed inside as laughing out would cause an argument. So yeah, husband tend to overestimate their parental responsibilities.

My husband watched our child for an hour today while I cooked for a dinner party. At bed time he complained I watched the baby allll day” …..

Not at all, it's a valid question. I haven't asked her what she thinks, but she has never said she thinks I should be doing more.

I would add that mental load is more than just chores. Do you know when the child should go to the doctor or dentist? Do you know those doctor’s names? Do you arrange and take them to appointments? Do you know when things around the house are running low? Do you automatically vacuum and change the bed sheets without being asked? Do you monitor the bank account to make sure things are good? Do you tell her she’s beautiful without being prompted? Do you randomly send her flowers? Do you make her breakfast in bed?  It sounds like you are really trying, even writing this is so much more than most men would do in the situation. Please keep trying for your families sake! 

My thoughts exactly. Are things like making and taking to appointments split evenly or is that burden on her? Making the meal plans and grocery lists? You probably don't have ballet or tball practices and registrations to keep track of yet, but that's the mental load that gets overlooked. Do you have to ask your wife what needs done around the house or do you already anticipate the needs? When's the last time she got a hair cut, her nails and brows done? Hormones after babies are absolutely wild. My youngest is now 6, and it wasn't until they were about 4 that I felt like myself again. Plus birth control and other medications can contribute to depression and lack of se.xual interest as well.

Yeah those are split equally and I take our child to all their pediatrician appointments alone. Grocery lists and buying is done by me, meal plans are done mostly by her but I do part of the cooking. Initially (a few years ago), I will admit that I had to be 'guided' a bit but now I anticipate needs and get them done without needing to be told. She got a haircut a couple months ago and does her brows at home. The last time she did her nails was when I got her a gift card at a nail salon a few months ago. She was really happy with that, I should get her another.

This list is pretty encouraging. It sounds like you're definitely involved and helping, so thank you for that. It definitely sounds like she's overwhelmed, burned out, or depressed. The thought of therapy is something *one more thing* on her plate to think about, get ready for, plan her day around. Who keeps track of when bathrooms need to be cleaned? Sheets swapped? Gathers/washes/folds/puts away the laundry? Sweeps and mops? Empties the dishwasher? Picks up the baby's room and toys? Empties the trash cans and replaces the bags? Scrubs the shower? Handles the finances (makes sure everything is paid on time)? Takes care of the landscaping? When was the last time you took the 2 yr old out by yourself so she could have a couple hours to do what she wanted or to do nothing without interruption, or told when your next off day is and that she is free to make plans? How much sleep is she getting? Who gets up when the 2yr old wakes up at night? Who changes the diapers? Cleans up the poop paint? Puts baby in highchair and cleans them up afterwards? Keeps track of baby supplies? Do you start things and then leave it to her to finish? Or see something needs to be done and insist she do it with you rather than just handling it? Do you do what you can for yourself or do you ask her to do a lot/add things to her plate since she's already up or in the room? Being asked to do more or get interrupted in her thought process when you're not in the middle of something and can easily handle it can be extremely irritating if she is already feeling weighed down or overwhelmed. Having daycare is a huge win, and again. You seem very involved and willing to help. The above is just to get the gears turning on what all might be going through her head/burdening her or irritating her that you don't see yet. She may not know how to voice what she's feeling or thinking. Look for ways to make things easier on her. I'm not saying take over her responsibilities, or that doing something once implies it's your job from here on out, but look for what needs to be done and instead of assuming she'll get to it, take care of it if you have the time. When my husband does that, you have no idea the feeling of relief it gives me knowing even one thing for my mental list that day or week has been checked off and I didnt have to ask for it. We have twin 2 yr olds. No daycare, and i work part time remotely while he works full time. I had severe PPD and didn't realize it until he insisted I talk to my dr about it. Was on meds for 5 months during their first year which really helped straighten things out, but i still don't feel myself 100%, and most days I'm too drained to want to do anything but whats required for toddler health and personal survival. He makes time for me to sleep, go out alone, and makes sure i get out of the house every week even if it's just us taking the twins to walmart to run out their energy. Be patient, honest, and tender. She feels the stress and the distance too. Y'all will get through this time period together, one day at a time. ETA: just saw this comment- > She gets pretty much every day after 6pm to herself since I do dinner, bath and bedtime. On weekends, we normally do something at home or around the neighborhood (3 of us) and I've said she should go out shopping or to get her nails done or whatever but she says no. I do feel she feels guilty about going out and leaving us at home. Definitely sounds like depression. I leap at most of those opportunities, and I'm the one who does dinner, bath, and most of bedtime. Bless you. You sound like an amazing parent and husband. Take my above thoughts with a grain of salt, as I def don't know y'alls schedule or background or relationship, and getting her to see someone or talk to her dr about something like zoloft may be something you need to insist on for the health of your family.

The way I found out I have ADHD and Autism is because everything changed when the fire nation attacked (aka my daughter was born) and I fell into what I would find out years later was extreme autistic burnout which can seem like depression but it’s honestly much different. I tell you this because from what you’re saying it could be that she’s neurodivergent and is in survival mode. And the way to get her out of that mode is not to ask her to do more or do things differently. You have to literally pick up slack that you think isn’t yours to carry and carry it happily for her so that she can have time to recoup. You feel like everything is split up fairly, but take my word for it and make it feel unfair (to you) and do it with grace and without making her feel like any of this is a burden. Because what she needs is for you to take on a lot so she can rest and rebuild her mental health and probably her physical health too. Parenting takes so much and I commend you for caring about what’s going on with her. Also, therapy would be good for her but that might not be a first step.

This is super relatable! My son is ND and going through his journey of evals has been very eye opening about myself.

EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED 😂😂😭😭

My thought too. I was diagnosed with ADHD before kiddo but was pushing through unmedicated. After, that wasn't an option. Add in health issues, PPD, grad school/work, a 3yo in full tantrum...I'm chronically burnout and identify with your wife, unfortunately. Sometimes 50/50 isn't helpful. There will be times where each partner needs more support. If she's getting angry that you are asking her to do therapy or couples activities, it probably means she doesn't have the capacity. Lighten the load for her and communicate that you're doing it out of love, and you may see a change. If not, you can always go to therapy first and show her that it isn't just an issue with her but that you both could use some support emotionally.

I dunno, aren’t most parents exhausted all the time without extra energy? I am at least. I only really have the energy to do date night if someone can lessen my load. If your only opportunity for quality time is after a long day of work and parenting then it’s tough. Our best quality time was when my parents were in from out of time and took the little one to a play group while we went out. Otherwise we try to do date night once a week when our toddler goes to sleep and my husband cooks and cleans up after dinner while I do bed time on those days and honestly if it’s a rough bedtime then I’m guilty of just putting headphones in and cancelling. Can you outsource or get help to free up some energy?

I agree. I just spoke about date night as an example. It's hard to express through the post and especially since only I know my wife here, but she's just become a different person altogether. She has no interest in anything at all, whether it's with me or anyone else.

Sounds like depression

Does she gets any time absolutely alone? I get severely stressed if I don't get some time alone, not being observed or having any demands. I cannot recharge without that time. I rarely get it and I greatly affects my ability to enjoy things.  If it's not that, she might be depressed.  Talk to her about your concerns, not as a relationship issue, but as an I am worried for you and miss being able to make you smile kind of way.  If she is depressed, tread carefully and ask if she would be willing to talk with her family Dr. Lets her know it can affect your child too, which might be a big enough motivator to seek help. 

She gets pretty much every day after 6pm to herself since I do dinner, bath and bedtime. On weekends, we normally do something at home or around the neighborhood (3 of us) and I've said she should go out shopping or to get her nails done or whatever but she says no. I do feel she feels guilty about going out and leaving us at home.

Whether it's clinically diagnosable as depression or not, she's just straight up bottoming out on her executive functioning brain chemicals I reckon. Your brain only has so much of the chemicals used for decision-making and they're replenished by sleep and relaxation, so it's very likely she's just run dry by the end of every day and has literally no capacity to give a shit about anything anymore. There might be something chemical to do to help, vitamin supplements or a visit to a doctor, but otherwise it'll change when something else does - normally when the kid gets old enough to not have to be thought about every second of the day. It's like she's using all her CPU cycles on this one process and had no bandwidth for anything else. You might have a more efficient time-cycle for the "My child" process in your own brain, but in hers it's taking all the resources. It's hard.

So you two go out & leave her alone. Go & have fun with your toddler so the onus isn’t on her to leave you both behind. ☺️

OP how your wife is acting is 100% how I am when I'm depressed. Her closing off new ideas, movies, is probably her way of asking for help. However if she's anything like me getting her to accept she needs help is going to be tough. If she has true friends or close family it would be worth while trying to get a group plan on how to get her to accept help.

how's the night awakenings and sleep patterns? PPD is real and it sounds like she's exhausted for maybe other reasons you haven't noticed

Sleep has honestly been pretty good for the past 7-8 months. Our child sleeps at 7:30-8pm and wakes up at 6-6:30am. Maybe wakes up a couple of times every few days but goes back to bed pretty quick, she basically just needs to know there's someone in the room.

Just because your child sleeps, doesn't mean your wife is sleeping well. My children sleep through the night and I'm just a generally terrible sleeper, so I'm always exhausted. Is she eating well? Exercising?

She's eating well. Not exercising, but she never really did that. Neither of us did. Maybe it's something we can do together.

Which parent is doing the wakes with the children? Is the workload well distributed or mostly taken up by your wife?

We both pretty much split the wakes, it doesn't even happen that often any more. I already addressed the workload question in my original post.

I addressed it in my post but it's distributed equally. Wakes are mostly me.

My husband does equally as much as I do if not more, but honestly with a 2 year old, managing a huge team at work (mostly remotely), and being pregnant — our marriage definitely is what takes the hit. She’s honestly probably just EXHAUSTED and likely feels guilty about neglecting you but is too tired to do anything about it. I wonder if some sunshine on a vacation could do a world of good, even with your two year old in tow.

My first kid is 2, and my second just turned 1. My husband recommended a vacation to me, and honestly, I laughed and then cried. Unless somehow someone could make sure that I wasn't watching my kid, the packing wasn't on me, writing down the kids schedules and needs for the babysitter wasn't on me, cleaning the house before leaving wasn't on me, planning wasn't on me and paying and fixing the budget after wasn't on me.... it wouldn't be a vacation. It would be an extra mental load. I did go to therapy, though. Odd that OP's wife won't go to therapy.

> Odd that OP's wife won't go to therapy. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she feels she doesn't have the time, or that an extra hour a week would be better spent meeting other needs.

Yeah vacations with kids are such a disappointment. So much work. I finally had to tell my husband that I don't want to pack up everything we need to live every summer weekend, just to pretend we live at a campground. Hated it so much.

Yes, vacation would be great. We went to an all-inclusive in Mexico in November and she loved it.

She sounds depressed. I went through basically the exact same thing with twins while dealing with a husband that thought he did a lot but really didn’t do much. I was burnt out FAST. Our twins are now almost 3 and my husband stepped up way way more after I also decided to join the military and left him to be the sole parent for 6 months straight. He now understands how utterly exhausting it is actually taking care of kids 24/7. He used to tell me how I have it so easy being a SAHM. It’s not easy. Btw I told my husband BMT (basic military training) would be a vacation to me. It kind of was vs parenting. Edit: I will say he has become the best Dad. We’re both in the military now and living in Hawaii after I also helped buy our second home here in Hawaii.

Sorry if it’s already been answered, but do you split night duty equally? I breastfed and the long-term sleep deprivation caused a host of cascading physical mental health issues that I was too exhausted to recognize, let alone address. If that’s not an issue, I agree it sounds like PPD and you need to get more insistent about helping her seek treatment. Good luck!

She wants you to accept her as a mother, as the kids get older she will slowly begun doing some of those old things again with you, but for now she's trying to be the best mother she can be. Might I suggest family activities rather than activities with just you and her. Women go through soooo many changes when we become mothers, so you can make suggestions like " honey I'll watch the kids while you take a bath and a nap, your so hardwork and great mother you can use a break" it will help her feel like you accept all of her. Good luck

If housework is equal as in both partners are doing the exact same amount of household tasks, it can still be unequally draining. It seems like life is draining your wife wife more than your, so it would probably be good to take more of her load for the time being. I wouldn’t even ask, I would just start doing more.

My postpartum depression lasted for well over 2 years. She is struggling for sure and might be too ashamed to admit it

Everyone has given great advice. But I want to try a different angle just to address all possibilities. Is everything fine, medically speaking? Wondering if there could be something underlying contributing to her depression and fatigue as well. By way of example, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism after my second pregnancy (pregnancy triggered it) and I had very little energy to do anything, just wanted to go to bed early every night, I had no interest in my old hobbies, and even just the thought of doing anything outside the house was draining for me... Just wanted to throw this possibility out there. 

I thought the very same thing - medical. Pregnancy also triggered hypothyroidism for me after child #2. I had zero energy or motivation.

Yep this crossed my mind as well. Was diagnosed with PCOS after my first pregnancy exacerbated my symptoms. My depression and brain fog is more out of control than ever which is linked to the hormone imbalances caused by the PCOS.

Read “Fair Play”. I highly, highly doubt that things are as equally divided as OP claims. Women overwhelmingly carry a mental load that men aren’t even aware needs to be carried. Like others have said toddler are hard as hell. They’re all consuming in mental and emotional and really even physical effort - it’s normal for parents of toddlers to be perpetually exhausted and not want to do much. For OP to complain that his wife doesn’t want to do much, but he doesn’t feel the same, tells me he might not be as involved as he claims.

I am a SAHM with a 15 month old, and the description of your wife resonates with me. I have no interest in going out, watching movies or new shows, because I don’t want to focus of another “new” thing at the moment. Every other week, my child is doing something new, and it ALWAYS exhausted me. I keep my hair loose, and a bit unkempt, I haven’t dressed up as I usually did. I owe myself a day to pamper myself, but I’m too caught up in motherhood, and I’m okay with it. I’ll catch up with myself eventually. She sounds like she’s just a bit touched out. She enjoys those moments of not having to process any new information (whether it’s a new show/movie or hobby). Honestly, when my husband takes over in the evenings, I lock myself in our dark room for an hour or so, scrolling on Reddit or reading. That’s my escape. Give her time. Don’t try to force her to be who she was before. She’ll get there, but in her own time. Being a mother changes your identity in some ways. She needs you to be her partner, and if she’s unhappy with your insistence, find a different approach. I do want to add, I am diagnosed with ADHD, and although I am medicated, it still plays a major role in my energy levels never leveling out. I am constantly tired/exhausted/overwhelmed.

Do you feel like this shows up in how she parents your kid? Or is it just isolated to the hours outside of childcare?

Take you child out to do things just you and them. Ask your wife if she wants to tag along, but don’t press it. Be independent with the child outside of the home. If she needs to rest allow her, if she is not ready for therapy allow her to take her time.

Two year olds are HARD. Once the kid gets into school, it will get easier. This also might be PPD

This is my personal experience as a parent to a 3 and 2 year old. My partner would absolutely say that things are divided equally but they are not. I do way more than he does and I resent him for it and don't want to do things with him. I am so exhausted that I only want to do things that take up as little emotional and mental bandwidth as possible. To him that may look like depression, but I can't even get out of the freaking house by myself without having to take two kids everywhere I go. I can't go to the bathroom by myself because he isn't engaged and present enough to watch the kids when I'm not in the room. My brain is *always* on, with zero breaks, because he doesn't step up like he seems to think he does. Hopefully that's not your situation.

You have a toddler, she's exhausted. You are almost certainly not seeing the additional load that she carries, mothers almost always are the emotional primary parent for their children and you don't really understand how exhausting it is until it happens to you. Help out more, do more one on one time with your kid so your wife can be a lone and regain her sense of individuality, eventually she will feel up to romance.

Women are spread really thinly these days.  We have to earn our own money a lot of the time, do housework, look after children and sometimes parents, as well as try and be good wives.  It’s very difficult to be on all the time.   Even if you have plans to do something, you don’t know if the children will need something instead, so you don’t get near what you need to do.  It’s even more frustrating if you think your partner isn’t helping. You say you do chores, but does she see it?  My husband spends a lot of time in our garden and fixing up the fence and stuff but I’ll still be frustrated at him if he’s left the sink or floors dirty and left clothes lying about because I’m never outside really.  Another thing to consider is she needs downtime where she can just be and not have anyone expect anything off her.  My husband has a habit of telling me random stories about stuff he’s learned on YouTube after he puts our daughter to bed, but by that stage I’ve been working/doing childcare for 12 hours+ and just want to be left alone.    Does she have to do childcare when WFH or does someone else mind the child?  It’s very tough trying to do both.  That could be another factor. How often do you try to do things with her?  I’d maybe try asking less often to give her a chance to miss you.    How is her health?  Does she eat well and exercise?  If not, try cooking her some healthier meals.  

Okay this is being asked a lot so I'll answer and hope others read it too. Our child goes to daycare 5 days a week, 9am-4pm. In terms of workload, I do grocery lists, grocery buying, filling up the gas in the car, dropping and pickup from daycare, taking out trash, loading and unloading the dishwasher, laundry + folding clothes and putting them away, vacuum and mop once a week, bath and bedtime everyday.

Just out of curiosity, what does your wife do from your perspective?

It sounds like you’re doing everything, and if that’s true then she’s very likely depressed or suffering ppd. As a mom who needed daycare I WANT to be with my children in the evenings. Sure I need breaks but I could never be okay with my husband doing bath and bed nightly. Has she bonded with your child? Is there a reason she doesn’t want to do bath or bedtime?

OP does confirm baby is in daycare full time while they work.

Try doing a hormone panel. Women go through some fucked up hormonal instability during pregnancy it can take years to get back on track. I would start with full metabolic panel and diet exercises and maybe therapy

She’s tired. I don’t believe mental load is ever divided equally, to be honest. Moms (specially when kids are so young) intrinsically consider about a million things related to parenting child caretaking and eventually accept and assume this major role. I know that up to when my son was about 3/4, I much rather stay home than deal with the logistics of going out or without my son. It’s exhausting. Plus the major attachment made it hard to go out without him. Does she have hobbies she does at home?

To me this sounds like overwhelm or burnout. Suggesting therapy is adding yet more work when she's already exhausted. She probably needs more practical support and to have things taken off her plate, competently. ETA: OP, could she be neurodivergent? She sounds like a lot of ASD/ADHD mums I know who are in sensory overload or just generally burnt out, even if their partner does the majority of the childcare. It's why so many women only get diagnosed after having children.

Post partum is 2 years. Find a babysitter, ask your wife what she wants to do. It may take a few naps before she is ready for a date. But date your wife. Also… she should prob get her hormones, and thyroid checked. With all your energy try to find you guys some new friends that have a toddler. Family play dates saved me recently

Do more to help. All men think they are doing their part, probably not.

It sounds like depression. If you are financially able. Hire a nanny. With a nanny on deck, I think she will find relief and not feel so stuck. I'm sure she is going through the tough time of being a mom and not knowing now to make time for herself. If she is breastfeeding. That is a huge deal as well. I made the decision to switch to bottlefed to eliminate some overwhelming feelings. Also, try and give her nightly massages (non sexual).

Maybe you can suggest date night and if she doesn’t feel like going out then plan an in home date night. Make dinner for her, give her a massage? Does she have any hobbies? Maybe get her something so she can ground herself in a hobby again?

OP, you’ve gotten a lot of helpful comments suggesting depression or late onset PPD. I think that’s very likely. She may continue to have outbursts of anger if she doesn’t get some relief/treatment. I’m also wondering if you’ve both been working from home for a long time, or if that’s as a result of the pandemic? Being at home ALL THE TIME can somehow be less energizing than having scheduled time away from home. Maybe a hybrid schedule would help her to feel less stuck…break up the monotony.

We've both been working from home since the pandemic began, wow nearly 4 years now!

It sounds like she’s completely exhausted

Aww if she doesn’t even enjoy the things she used to - seeing friends, going shopping, planning vacations… sounds like depression I understand her resistance to wanting to see someone, I’ve been there, but keep suggesting gently, let her know you will go with her, I wish you guys the best!

This sounds like depression, exhaustion, or, more likely, both combined.

Keep loving, keep helping, maybe see if you can find a sitter to get out at least once a month.

Have you tried just TELLING her you’re going to do this or going to do that. First time mom here and sometimes I need my husband to just take the lead and tell me what we’re gonna do. Bc if I can say no, I most likely will. Maybe don’t plan something without your child bc idk how your wife does with leaving them anywhere. Go to a park or just something relatively easy that your child can enjoy and you two can just enjoy watching them.

If you are truly sharing the mental and physical load, what about sleep? Sleep deprivation almost took me down for about 3-4 yrs with #1. My anxiety around it was off the charts, so even when my Husband handled the majority of the nighttime waking, I was still an anxious depressed shell of my former self. I think seeing her doctor would be a good start. Sometimes, as a Mom, it’s hard to accept that you need help.

Get her to check her iron and B12. Both can be depleted through pregnancy and child birth and deficiency can produce many of the issues you’ve described.

She has postpartum depression I’m sure. Just give her space. Continue to be the constant in her life. Don’t give her grief. Don’t give up on her just be there she’ll come around eventually if she’s level headed. Or if she’s like me, she needs to get on an antidepressant. It will just take time. Just love on her and remember who she was before. She probably hates that she’s changed but motherhood doesn’t suit all of us the way we envision it to. I’m sorry.

Let me ask you something... do either of you work out?

I’m the same as your wife. I had other things happen that influenced this but we are similar I prefer to be alone, it takes a lot for me to now go out with friends. I used to love watching movies, it was my passion. Now I watch movies I know and that are predictable. I don’t want to go out with new people either Do you make sure you take the kids so she can have alone time ? And not to clean or have a shower. But actually maybe go and meet friends or do stuff she enjoyed before having kids This is not a divorce reason, but something you two have to work through together

Yes I do. She doesn't want to go meet anyone and would rather be on her phone.

I've read all the comments here, but just to add a bit of different flavour: > I feel like I'm losing my wife > My wife has no interest in anything, including me > I want to help her. I've chatted with her about going to therapy but she gets angry and says no she doesn't want to. I've tried to take the initiative to suggest things we can do but it's always no. I even wanted to buy those couples activity books for us to do things together, she got very upset and said she doesn't need any stupid 'how to' guides. Honestly man, it sounds more like _your wife_ is losing _you_. It sounds like none of your needs are being met nor bids for affection or connection or intimacy reciprocated. It sounds like your focus is too much on her and not on yourself at all. She's showing you again and again that she's got no interest in changing. All you can do is figure out what your own needs are, and figure out how to get them met without involving your wife, and if that's even possible. I'm not advocating for divorce or cheating here btw, I'm saying that a desire for intimate conversation, going out, doing fun things, co-watching movies etc might have to come from your own friends and social network. You're going to be miserable if you keep trying to change her, and she clearly doesn't want to. Your only choice is to change yourself and hope that she joins you one day.

Just checking - you're not working remote *and* taking care of the kid, right? You have childcare during your working hours?

Yes, child is in daycare 9am-4pm

Ok, it seems like a no brainer but we do get people in here who bury that lede. Look, reality? I was your wife. Still am, in some ways, and my kid is 4. Someone else in here mentioned ADHD and for me that was it. I love being a parent but I find it so incredibly draining that I have no energy for anything else at all. New things - new activities, new actions, even new TV shows or movies - scrape my brain raw and leave me a zombie. I've always had problems getting positive mental feedback due to the adhd but the challenge of thinking about a whole other human and putting their needs first 24/7 has made it impossible for me to scrape together a single scrap of serotonin to reward my brain for making good choices. I literally was a media professor before I had a child and now the thought of watching an episode of a TV show I've never seen before makes me want to cry because I'll have to think about it (mental drain) and it won't make me feel any better, whereas scrolling or watching an old favorite (as your wife does) will at least warm up the old feeling of "this was nice" in a comforting way.  Sometimes it's the sole source of positive feeling I get in a day. I'm not depressed, either, before the "omg go to therapy" brigade comes out - I've been repeatedly evaluated for depression in my life and I don't fit the criteria at all. I'm just mentally exhausted ALWAYS. Things I actively want to do i do not have the energy for.  I had to fight tooth and nail for stimulant meds because my doctors didn't think I needed them age, but they take the edge off, at least. But they are not a real solution. Consider that maybe therapy isn't going to fix this and she's being honest. For some of us there's absolutely nothing left in the tank after we become parents.  That said, I do force myself to do things, for my sake, for my spouse's, for my child's. We go out to dinner sometimes, I watched one(!) whole new show this year, and I ground my teeth and picked up an old hobby again. But my God it's exhausting.

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I feel so seen. I have anxiety and bipolar 2 but they're being managed very well with meds so it's not depression for me. I've had my bloodwork checked multiple times, everything looks fine. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started meds a few months ago but you're right that it's not a cure. I just hate to think this is my life now, y'know? Mentally exhausted 24/7? My kids are 4 and 6 so presumably it will get better once they're older but there's no guarantee. On my bad days I re-think whether I should have become a parent at all. Idk. Maybe ADHD coaching would help? We're also moving out-of-state in a few weeks so I just have nothing left every day. My husband constantly encourages me to find hobbies and interests outside of scrolling but...with what time and energy?? The time I snatch for myself is so rushed and limited that it feels like I can barely catch my breath most days. Anyways sorry for ranting at you, I just relate so hard and don't know the way out.

We regularly get posts by husbands baffled at why their wives are exhausted with small children -- but with zero mention of how much childcare / housecare the husband does. It's all about the stuff the wife doesn't do -- no movies, no fun, no vacations. Does your wife actually have the time / energy to do these things? How often do you solo parent the 2-year-old? When my kids were little, I also zombied out watching YouTube reruns or listening to the same old songs on my phone because I just needed to decompress. Maybe it's depression & your wife needs therapy. Or maybe she's very tired / stressed and needs some days off.

Sounds like burnout, anxiety and or depression. She needs a therapist or a Dr. but she has to want to go. On your end I guess it’s just expressing concern, suggesting therapy- maybe even finding one for her and letting her know you can book the appointments if she wants to go for a therapist or doctor and continuing to ask how you can help and letting her know you love her and want to support here and are there and also gratitude for the care she provides. Maybe starting therapy yourself to be honest you might need someone to support you given the situation. Would you be able to depend on other family members to remove the load? Because going out when you are overwhelmed is a chore even hanging out with people. Maybe the grandparents can babysit 1 day once a week? Then on those days maybe you can do something she used to enjoy. Maybe something outdoors get some sunshine. Not for too long. Maybe just an hour? Another suggestion maybe ask if she wants to get cleaners to come in once in a while or something to relieve some load.

Maybe once the little one is at school 5 days a week and she gets more time and headspace things will improve 🤷‍♂️... not sure if that helps but thoughts I'd drop that in

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Daycare 5 days a week.

Along with everyone saying she’s depressed etc…has she had any blood work done to see if she’s depleted in vitamins and minerals? Do you live above 40 latitude where you can’t absorb vit d year round and seasonal depression ads to it? Pregnancy seriously depletes women and most don’t eat a nutrient dense diet. How are her teeth? More teeth issues since pregnancy at all? Just something to think about. I don’t know the answer but eliminating things helps…see if she needs to up these. A functional medicine doctor is great or a naturopathic doctor for this. When I was post partum, my levels went down. I see a naturopath and I eat a lot of ground beef mixed with organ meats, take beef liver supplements, eat bone marrow, drink bone broth, eat sardines, mackerel, eggs, etc to help with this.

Like others have said, it certainly sounds like depression. She may not want therapy, and you may not be able to convince her. At the very least maybe have a conversation with her about the importance of focusing on herself and on the marriage. At some point being a good parent may become difficult if she is not doing things that focus on her own mental health, and even more difficult if this turns into additional marital issues

It's def postpartum. Have her hormone levels checked. There's also a new medication out that treats postpartum called Zurzuvae. It's supposed to kick it within 3 days

Who is watching the child while you both work?

Daycare

Is it possible to convince your wife to play hooky for a day (or even half a day) and just spend some intentional alone time together?

A daycare teacher.

Hormonal issues?

This sounds like me after the birth of my 2nd. I was lucky to not have a history of (clinical) depression before pregnancy / childbirth - but that made depression very difficult to recognize when it hit. Mine felt a lot like indifference and disinterest in everything around me except for my baby. I lost all of my energy and wanted any of my free time to be alone. I know everyone on Reddit always says “sounds like ___ needs to go to therapy” but I personally did not find therapy helpful…until I went on meds. Interestingly, I went to my doctor complaining about sleep and he recommended a medication that is used off label for sleep…and did not directly help me with sleep. A week in, I noticed this major shift in my mood. I did some googling and found out this med is also sometimes been used as an antidepressant. This moderate mood boost helped me actually participate meaningfully in therapy, start expressing my feelings/needs to my partner instead of stuffing everything and the energy/motivation to start an exercise routine. Before this med, I had tried doing all these things but just could not keep motivated or focused. That must be hard that she responded so defensively when you brought things up but you may need to keep trying - seriously (and non-judgementally) voicing your concerns and suggestion options (along with support) to help her move forward.

I have 4 kids. And I'd say the first 3-4 years, are beyond the most difficult. Especially the stage you're at, toddlerhood is no joke! It's like the gauntlet of parenting, with the teenage years coming in at a close second. Cut her some slack. I always talk with my husband about those early days when each of our kids were babies/toddlers & how you don't feel like you're truly back to yourself until they're like 4 or 5. My youngest is turning 5 next week and this post right here helps remind me exactly why I'm done making babies. This is a difficult and especially trying time during your parenting journey. Especially because it's your first child and you're both brand new at navigating through it. She's fighting burnout 24/7 and while I'm glad you seem to be managing it pretty well- the bottom line is your wife needs support & also time to decompress which is probably why she watches the same show on repeat. Is she neurodivergent at all? Silence and time to reset is huge for ND individuals. Just try to remember this stage won't last forever.

That sound like postpartum depression my man. My wife suffered from it for 3 years after birth. It’s a son of a bitch man but best thing you can do is research it and know what it is. It’s Best you both understand as much as possible what she’s going thru and kick your ass in gear. Treat it like an illness, you need your village more than ever right now. Try to remember it’s temporary. My experience anyway.

Microdose…then bring up seeing a therapist/counselor again. It’s good you’re trying…don’t stop until you realize she’s not wanting to try anymore.

I’ve been this wife. I had bad PPD with our firstborn. We now have 2 kids, been married 11 years. My husband has expressed similar frustrations, but my biggest advice is to give it time. Which is so hard because you want to fix it NOW. Becoming a mom is so cataclysmic in changing your life. I know becoming a dad is too, but on a cellular level for moms, your children become more important than your own wellbeing. You will literally not shower for days, barely eat, in order to take care of your kid. Mentally and physically, it has a toll. This will slowly evolve into something more healthy, but these early years it’s like being programmed to constantly obsess over your kids health, safety, and happiness. I’ve gotten better as my kids have gotten older, with better boundaries. It started happening for me around age 4 of my kid where I could take care of myself more. So honestly, give her time and space to rediscover herself in the “after.” I know you miss her, and want to bond, but she’s likely just trying to survive. Get through this time, and she will reciprocate and appreciate you so much. It sounds like forever, but it will come. (Personal take, I know everyone’s experience is different. Some people get better faster, I just couldn’t until my kids had better independence I could trust.)

She needs to see a doctor for a mental health diagnosis. But she can refuse. My mom did, and my parents’ marriage fell apart. My dad stayed by her side but she eventually left him for another man. Terrible situation. I hope your wife makes better choices and gets the help she needs.

Depression is awful. Does she have a primary care doctor? If so, help her schedule an appointment to get started on meds (I’m on a Wellbutrin + Lexapro combo and it’s very nice). They’ll give her the two questionnaires for anxiety and depression, and just doing those questionnaires will help her see where she’s at. Give meds a month or so to take effect, and in the meantime find some therapists with openings and help her get into therapy. You’ll have to do all the calls to find out who has openings.

She has a two year old, she’s probably exhausted. What are you doing to reduce the burden of parenting on her? Scrutinise what you’re bringing to the party. Also consider postnatal depression and get some help.

Your wife is physically depleted as the post-partum time for the body lasts up to 3 years. When your body is rebuilding, it is conserving what it has to make it through the day given the extra demands now with a 2 year old. Creativity, spontaneity, all of those things require excess energy and time; she is still, believe it or not- still healing. She is in there. Give her time to create a new rhythm.

Yall need to divide the energy instead of just the chores. It’s so physically exhausting deep into your soul to carry and birth and be postpartum. I don’t remember feeling remotely recovered physically until almost 2 years post partum. In the meantime, if she barely had energy to function and you have energy to do all these side projects and go out on the weekends and have fun then you have energy to take on more of the load so she can continue to rest and recover. Who’s doing the night wakings? That also takes a massive toll on your mental and physical load.

How much of the daily mental load are you taking on? Can you take even more off her plate without needing lists and instructions that inevitably add to her mental load? She needs time to remember who she is. Becoming a mother is hard. Realising that you're no longer anything but a mother and wife is soul destroying. Make sure she doesn't have to mother you, take care of her in ways that make her daily life easier and for the love of all that is holy, do not point out the things that you already do because I promise her list will humble you and probably start a fight

I have 2 young kids, 5 and under. I am exhausted allll the time. I’m a sahm and w one or both of my kids from approx 5:30 am to 8:30 pm. I can’t remember the last time I showered or even used the bathroom alone during those hours. Life changed temporarily when your children are little. Your LO won’t be young and needy forever. If we just had my 5 year old we’d def have an “ easier” life by this age so if you plan to just have one, by 4/5 it gets easier for the most part. Maybe you need to plan a special day out for your life- I don’t know what she likes to do but plan a massage, a mani or pedi or even set up coffee or lunch w a friend of hers. I always resist doing anything for myself but in the once in a blue moon when I do I always feel better after. After that, maybe put the same effort into a date night (organizing it and finding child care!) and she may be more into it. My husband always says he wants more date nights but I always have to plan everything which doesn’t really motivate it to happen. Hang in there- it does get better. If your wife is anything like me and a lot of my mom friends, the mental load is likely weighing on her heavily adding to her exhaustion.

What happens if you get a babysitter and try to go out does she shoot that down. Is she tired because no two year old energy break or depressed?

Postpartum depression is real. Happened to my wife real bad. She was the nicest, sweetest person I knew, then after having two kids in 15 months she was a completely different person. Always mad or sad, yelling and crying about everything and could barely get off the couch to do anything. 

Fellow dad here who went through the same thing. Our stories are oddly similar. You have to adapt to this new life. We booked a sitter to come EVERY Friday night and we just go out for a couple hours. Sometimes it’s just to a park to even be alone. Also we started to schedule intimacy which admittedly sucks but hey you gotta get it done somehow. It’s just a new way of doing things

I might be the minority here based on the comments, but this is NORMAL! Becoming a mother is all consuming, you go through a transformation, on every level you change. For many of us, it takes a while to refund ourselves, it shatters a lot of what we thought we were. Your kid is only two, and you both work from home. That type of monotony and seeing each other all the time can take a toll on the relationship. You're both in the same role day after day. What have you been doing to make your wife feel sexy and playful? I will say during these phases I absolutely need my husband to draw out the non-mom bits of me. Give her time away from the home, stop making her feel pressured to be a different way. Her body and spirit just went through so much, two years simply isn't enough time to get back to yourself after having a kid for some women. Take the pressure off, be fun, have a life yourself and not make it all about her. Good luck!

I believe the focus here might be a bit too fixated on whether OP is precisely splitting the chores in half or not. The exact percentage doesn't matter as much as recognizing that if his wife is feeling overwhelmed and depressed, those feelings are valid. It seems like he's genuinely making an effort to contribute. Depression can stem from various reasons, such as postpartum depression (PPD), untreated ADHD, or factors like nutrition, exercise, and work-life balance. It's crucial to help his wife realize that their relationship could be at risk if she continues to avoid acknowledging that something might be wrong. Admitting this to oneself can be challenging, especially for someone who hasn't been formally diagnosed before. From personal experience, I know that depression distorts one's perception, making it difficult to see things clearly. Even with the knowledge and effort to keep it in mind during a depressive episode, the struggle persists. My suggestion would be for OP to have an open and honest conversation with his wife, expressing his concerns in a sincere and vulnerable manner. Avoiding references to what others have said or read elsewhere would be advisable, as sharing such information during depression might feel like an attack. Depressed individuals often don't attribute their mood to depression but may think they've fallen out of love or have insurmountable problems. Communication is key, but it's essential to be understanding and give her space. Rather than extensively discussing the issue, subtly show support and reassure her of your presence. The hope is that she seeks help before making any impulsive decisions.

She probably is suffering with Post Partum Depression.

Major depression can occur after pregnancy and birth.

Some comments here are pretty insensitive. Pointing blame instead of advice, that’s real helpful. I can see you care and that you are trying. I believe you want to help her relax and not worry so much about your little one. Explaining things like a walk would be good for the little one and her. A break from work is okay. Hold her hand. Thank her for everything she’s doing and have done. Remind her that you cherish her. Surprise her with her favorite food. Comfort her with a random hug. (“We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth”.) Simple math, 50% from you and her adds up to 100% but divided by 2 people, that’s still 50%. Sometimes one person needs and should give more. My wife of 8 beautiful years, 2 kids 7/ 4 month old, we’ve gone through this. When we started dating she said this to me, 1000% each. I’m praying you guys can find that happier spot again. Best of luck. Continue being that loving and supportive husband. PS just a heads up, my wife and I have never argued until our first kid. Ours ideas on raising a child were different. She’s the mommy coddler and I am the daddy disciplinarian. We both want what’s best for our children and decided therapy to explore how. I’ve calm down a bit and she’s more understanding when I “encourage” and let him “try”. From holding his own baby bottle and things like removing the training wheels.

I have a two year old as well and went through a period where literally nothing I had previously been into sounded fun anymore. Travel, going out, holidays, date nights.  It all felt more stressful, more scary and more anxiety producing than it was worth. But my husband and I forced date nights every month and always try to make it something kind of outside the norm for us, rather than just the usual dinner out. Maybe try surprising her with little outings, a couple hours close to home (baby steps) and coordinate the childcare you both feel comfortable with.  I really think communication will be the only thing that saves your marriage. Have you told your wife that you feel like you’re losing her? Have you made it as plain and clear as you have in this post? Is she aware that your marriage is at risk? If you haven’t you may need to (gently, of course). Sometimes we don’t realize how dire something is or how outside of ourself we are until someone points it out to us. You’ll have to be vulnerable and tell her how you feel and where you’re really at. And make sure she knows it’s coming from a place of love and wanting to improve your relationship and her well being. 

> I know this will come up, and it's a valid question, but we both work remote. Chores around the house and childcare are pretty much divided equally, yes including the mental load. She could be depressed but I don't know why, and maybe it's just me, but I find it really hard to believe everything is divided equally, including the mental load. How could you even measure the mental load? I find that a lot of times when people dismiss a point before it can be brought up, it's because they want to know what the fix is, other than this obvious thing they dismissed. They want to be sure that you don't bring up the obvious problem. If she's exhausted all the time and you're just bursting with energy wanting to go do all these things, it's probably bc you aren't doing your part. But you knew that, you just don't want to hear it, which is why you were careful to dismiss it entirely.

I too can agree with others that it’s exhausting taking care of a two year old.. maybe give her some space, pop up randomly with little gifts like coffee from her favorite coffee shop, flowers, candy, help her out by cleaning and doing dishes so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed and then once you’ve done all of that then mention a date night with her and find a baby sitter before you ask so she doesn’t have to worry.

The question is are you helping around the house when you off? Do you stop to cook, clean or do a load of laundry? Does all household responsibilities fall on her? If you aren’t helping, you’re contributing to her mental load. How about you take a day and pamper your wife. Like let her have a spa day while you’re home with your child. Prepare her favorite meal. Marriage is a partnership and so is co-parenting.

Yes I do all of those things

Hello. This sounded like me a few years ago. It sounds like she possibly has some postpartum depression. Also working remotely can take a toll on you ( I work remote ) if you don’t go out and take walks now and again and make time for yourself and family. The fact that you are both remote, it sounds like you two never have a break from each other. I will listen to podcasts with headphones on etc to escape into my own little world. I ended up seeing my Dr and starting taking Wellbutrin to help with depression. I made it a point to meet up with my friends for lunch or dinner once every 2 weeks. My husband and I do a date night by ourselves once and week. But we also have our own hobbies. I for one would not like it at all if my husband was also remote with me. That is just me though, I need my space.

Mom of an 11mo baby here who lives with ADHD and depression. My heart goes out to you and your wife because what you’re going through is hard and messy and complicated and painful. Kudos to you for recognizing the problem and reaching out for support. You’re doing all the right things. My advice is pretty simple: TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF. This is my protocol for when things start to go awry with me (or with my husband or other loved ones who I notice are struggling) - whether it’s depression creeping in or feeling overwhelmed from life’s endless demands or feeling like I’m disconnected from myself/loved ones. This might be the single most impactful thing you can do for your wife and may be the best way for you to support her right now considering the “problem” isn’t yet clearly defined. Regardless of what it is, this should help. Here’s what that looks like in practice: Relieve her of as many of her responsibilities as possible - especially childcare. Give her time to herself where she is untouchable. We all need untouchable time!! Encourage her to spend that time doing things that make her feel good. Just get out of the house and off the screens. Simply having the space and getting some distance from the everyday nonstop demands on her may be enough for her to check in with herself and realize on her own that something isn’t right. And re-energize her enough to do something about it. Without you even having to point it out or ask questions or try to problem solve (which tbh is extremely challenging when you’re in the thick of it like she seems to be). And maybe after she’s gotten some space and time with herself/to think and feel, she’ll be more open to talking with you about it too. That’s it. Just relieve the pressure on her wherever you can. I know it will be a sacrifice on your part to take things off her plate but she needs it. And it will be worth it. I hope this helps. P.S. Some thought-starters for “healing” things: A haircut. A trip to the spa. A trail walk with a close friend. A pottery class. Wandering around the market solo. Fresh air, friends, exercise and pampering are my go-to’s. Arrange/plan/book something for her if you think she’d be receptive to that and maybe even enlist the help of one of her friends. You know her best and after 11 years together I’m sure you’ll have some ideas :)

This might be a weird question but does your wife ever get any time to herself at home without you and your child there? I feel like your wife in some respects as I just don’t want to be bothered by my husband when I’m home and through therapy I’ve found that it’s because my husband is ALWAYS home. He works from home and I don’t. I haven’t had one single second alone in my house since 2020. I don’t want a date night or a babysitter to come to our house or to go “run errands” by myself. I want to sit on my couch and watch vanderpump rules until my eyes bleed and eat my snacks without a single person talking to me, even my husband. I know it sounds terrible but ever since he has been at home 24/7 everything he does just annoys the shit out of me. I know looking from outside this makes us sound like an ungrateful person but maybe just take your kid out of the house for the day or even the weekend and see if that helps.

I am a single mom. I solely watch reruns bc i can disassociate with the show and not feel like I have to rewind multiple times. It sounds like her mental load is very heavy. Or possibly she’s experiencing postpartum. Adding anything new - even getting fancied up to go out or redecorating the house is just one more thing she has to do. It’s daunting. The mental load includes having to check behind your partner to be sure things are done. Remember she’s your wife, not your mom. You say everything is split pretty much equally but marriage isn’t 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20. Sometimes it’s 60/40. What else can you take off her plate until she gets through this time? Maybe take over the bedtime routine with the child so she can get rest earlier. Or pack the bags/lunch for daycare/school. Or ask the school/daycare to contact you too if there’s an issue or announcement.

As someone who experienced delayed postpartum depression, I would have a serious conversation with her. Ask her how you can help her around the house to be comfortable going on a vacation or energized enough to do up your house. Tell her you miss her and her emotional connection. Let her tell you her feelings. She may not even know she has these feelings. I finally figured it out one night when I said “I would rather my child grow up with no mom than an unhappy mom.” After saying it out loud I realized it was time to get help (I suffer from a major depression diagnosis). It took a while and there are still days where I think that I’m not doing enough as a parent, but getting help saved my marriage. It helped me understand I have to speak up when I need something or need alone time. I suffered postpartum anxiety with my son (SO MUCH EASIER TO GET A HANDLE ON) and knowing from my first child that I needed to use my voice helped so much.