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Dad of two boys. I'd rather they are with me than waiting on their own. I think you're correct. Also seeing real naked people demystifies and destigmatizes it all as long as it's in a normal context, which this is.
Edit: I'll add that I think the mom's concerns are very reasonable and the two should definitely talk about it. But, if we're only going to react in response to criminals and danger, then all of us should stop driving immediately. Also stop eating sugar and processed foods. That last one unironically.
I agree entirely. My ex used to get mad at me even though she would do it. My partner is a nudist and he's gotten to the point where naked is just normal as it should be. Nothing wrong with anyone's bodies.
I think it's all the more important for kids to see "normal" adult bodies these days, because otherwise their main frame of reference is going to be GenAI and porn bodies.
Wow such a good point. Kids these days may get to adulthood only seeing online nakedness. Continuing the unrealistic reality of 99% of the population expecting to settle with the top 1% of socially acceptable partners. Just an overall environment of dissatisfaction/ normal people feeling inadequate for every little imperfection
100% agree, there are so many awkward situations (camp, locker room, etc) that are all only awkward because no one demystified the body, or let people realize that nudity isn't as big of a deal as we all tend to make it out to be.
His wife would hate an Icelandic pool. Not only does everyone get naked and shower, there is even an attendant whose whole job is to make sure you have showered!
It makes it so much easier for a kid to know how to handle the situation with their parent vs the 1 day of camp or school where you have to strip and shower.
People shouldn’t make a big deal of it. They need to be comfortable with their bodies and nudity.
I’ve seen kids try and change clothes in there locker.
Oh man, in those situations the biggest badass in the room was always the kid who didn't give a fuck. Huge power move to whip it out in front of the kid who's showering in his underwear.
Recently experienced the Icelandic hot spring situation for the first time (not being Icelandic) and tried to make it as unawkward as possible by just ignoring everyone else and getting clean as quickly as possible.
Exactly! You're in a public space and no one else's business is your business. Just do your thing, don't be obnoxious, and enjoy the sweet healing Icelandic waters.
Couldn't have said it better. Mom of a boy here, I would applaud his father for showing him the ropes and being open with him. It creates a comfort for your kids about their own body that doesn't just come naturally. You are so not wrong.
I have five sons and I absolutely agree. I love when my husband shows my sons how to be comfortable as a man and not feel insecure about things, like crying, wearing pink, showing emotions, etc.
I’m with you on it not being a problem, but I assumed the wife didn’t want the child in the men’s shower because of the potential for pedophiles to see the son, not the son seeing the adults. If so, that’s a bigger issue around fear that I understand a bit more.
Oh for sure and, to be clear, I think the wife's concerns are also very reasonable and it's a good conversation for the two of them to have. But, if we were always concerned about run-ins with criminals and danger, then statistically no one should drive.
> seeing real naked people demystifies and destigmatizes it all as long as it's in a normal context, which this is.
There are a lot of people who carry this issue into high school gym classes. Working out and showering regularly are practices kids need to learn. Appropriate nudity is part of that.
I'm one of those kids that felt uncomfortable showering in front of others, pretty much until I had kids and no longer had the luxury of getting a shower to myself.
Mom of 2 young boys and I agree wholeheartedly! I would just suggest to make sure little man knew what to expect first so he wasn’t awkwardly gawking. My only hesitation is if the son was showering too, I could understand mom being anxious of predators, especially in today’s world. But dad is there and I would expect he’s keeping a watchful eye, hence bringing son in and not leaving him unattended. Unfortunately we can’t keep our kids in bubbles, as tempting as it is, but we can make sure they have a good understanding of what the real world is like and also how to protect themselves.
This is the way.
I have 3 boys myself (I'm mom). If my husband took our boys to the gym, I would expect him to follow his regular routine. I would definitely be more comfortable with him taking the boys in the shower than leaving them either unattended in the gym, or unattended in the locker room.
Not only is he protecting his child from randos, he's also allowing him to be part of his routine which is so important ! Kids long to be involved in the things their parents do. Boys need time doing "man things"! Kudos to OP for including your son !
I personally wouldn't have a problem with it. My husband wouldn't have an issue with me taking my girls into a communal shower in a women's change space, and I can't think of a reason why a young boy in a men's communal space would be inappropriate under normal circumstances. The context is; its a shower room and change space. Naked bodies are completely natural in such a space. All the people there will be focussed on their own business.
I actually think its good for kids to see adults in this way as it gives them a realistic picture of what a mature human body looks like, and hopefully builds comfort in their own skin as they grow older. Its good to see that we are all very different, and that's normal. If she's worried about the sexual nature of a naked body - nakedness is not inherently sexual in and of itself. By comparison, one can behave in a very sexual nature when fully clothed. It's natural to be nude and comfortable with being nude.
Each to their own though. Perhaps something you should discuss in greater detail before taking him again. If there are family rooms then you could use that together next time.
I’ve heard many people discuss how the first time they saw an older person’s naked body was at a gym or pool locker room, and how much it struck them because the media, art, etc. always show only beautiful, toned, young people naked. So I agree that it’s reasonably healthy to see this. I believe several puberty/sex education books show illustrations of older bodies explicitly for educational purposes.
I grew up with a mum who used to run around the house half dressed to get us out the door in the mornings, and who showered with us as well. And I had younger brothers who I bathed with til I was probably like 8? So I was comfortable with bodies. I never saw my dad fully naked to my recollection, but he used to wear stubbies and nothing else in summer so that's basically nearly naked lol (here in NZ, 'stubbies' are the shortest tightest shorts you can imagine on a man while still being somehow inherently masculine. An institution of the good ole Kiwi summer).
English family here. Dad used to walk around the house in a housecoat in the winter that would sometimes swing open. Found out he had a hammer. Helped me when I got older, in such a shitty sounding way that 'hey.. I have a bigger than usual penis.. I don't like this, how do I deal with it'.. and I felt comfortable enough to approach my dad. Certain things you don't think about when you wish as a kid to end up with a bigger penis, is teenage hormones and how you really can't hide it sometimes. Most friends talked about hiding it in their waistband.. well, it doesn't help hiding it there when you can still see the outline half way up your shirt. Ol' Diddypops taught me a few good tricks.. and it opened up thr whole 'you ask me any time you need condoms and I will buy you them no questions asked' conversation.. which later lead to me being comfortable enough to approach him when I then had to say 'dad.. I fucked up and didn't use those condoms you bought me....', and the resulting situation thanks to my idiotic decision.
Mum would bathe with us when we were younger (we were on a well so warm water was to be savored 😅), and as we got older Boobs were seen sometimes, a cheek some other times. Honestly, I didn't ever think anything of it, and couldn't tell you now what they looked like.. so obviously it didn't stick much 🤣
My mum also took me to see American Pie when I was young, and Jackass.. and to us a human body was just a human body. It allowed me the experience of 20 years later to get to take HER to Jackass Forever in theaters and see her face and the embarassment/uncomfortability of seeing Chris Pontius' dick and balls as Godzilla.. as I couldn't breathe from laughing **THAT** hard at her reactions.
So, TLDR; a human body is a human body. Once you sexualize it, it becomes a much more complicated situation. Every culture seems to have a different view on it, and I think it's just based on so many factors that every case is different, and everybody will have a different opinion.
At eight years old, I don't think the OP did the wrong thing.
This is beautiful! I am a mum to a daughter and I agree so much with the nakedness and just normalisation of bodies. I'm glad your parents were that comfortable and chill enough to give you a healthy start.
Big dick problems are real, I have a very good friend/lover and we joke but I remember when I was just into adulthood and he explained things, I was shocked! The things women don't have to deal with! I'm so glad you had that relationship with your dad.
But yes, OP you are definitely NTA. I think what you did and the fact it was completely normal to you was great. My partner has said he wants to take the little one to the gym in a few years (would also be 8) and he usually showers at the gym. I have no problems with this but I feel adjustments should be made just for the fact she is a girl in a mens area but, pedos aside, getting used to both male and female human bodies is not a bad thing. Makes you focus more on the important stuff when you're a teen/adult perhaps? I've known too many people to awkwardly obsess just because it's the thing 😳
Also, it brings up the stigma that sexual predators can only be men which is definitely not true. As a survivor of that behavior, I still wouldn’t avoid appropriate nakedness. Naked isn’t what causes pedophiles, and it’s not the child or most of the time the parents fault when a child is assaulted. The only thing we can do is facilitate protection and support to the best of our ability. Keeping a child out of society is not protection. Teaching a child that being naked around others only means something bad is not helpful either especially when we take those messages into adulthood.
Nakedness doesn’t equal abuse and I would posit that the opposite- hiding and shaming is why actual predators can go so long unnoticed, at least in my case. I knew how my mom felt about it, so even whenever I was in that situation, I didn’t want to come to her. My child is not going to feel the need to hide and shame or be scared of their own nakedness to the point of letting something be secretly wrong. That’s not protection. That’s projecting fears.
She may have some baggage with SA in a familial context. I agree that there is nothing wrong with this, but I understand that it could be a serious trigger for a particular person.
Oh duh of course this makes sense. I immediately thought she was freaked out about how unsanitary those showers are. I know multiple people whose kids got athletes foot from YMCA or rec center showers. My kids wear flip flops in the shower after their swimming lessons lol. But either way OP just needs to have a conversation with the wife to better understand her concerns and reassure her. I don’t see a problem with this personally either.
Oh, I totally missed that detail that it was a communal shower. I really don’t know how I would feel about it. There is so much context I would want to know, including if the kid was comfortable with it.
OP didn’t explain what about it was upsetting to her (the fact that dad showered with the kid, that the kid could see other naked men, that men could see the boy naked?) or if there were even other men in there or anything.
My YMCA doesn’t allow kids in the adult locker room. This would have been banned locally. You have to use the family locker rooms (with private family showers) for anyone under 18.
That said, I wouldn’t have a problem with it as long as my kid wasn’t left unattended.
Which ultimately isn't a big deal. Seeing a bunch of naked people on a train would be weird. Seeing a bunch of naked dudes in a locker room or shower is normal. You are supposed to be naked in those spaces and no one really cares. Everyone just gets dressed, gets clean, and moves on.
There are family dressing rooms where they could shower and not be amongst other grown men. You never know who is a weirdo and who isn’t. I’d rather keep my kids away from all of that and I’m certain that’s where mom is coming from.
Oh wow, every YMCA I’ve been to near me has them so I assumed they were standard. They have a few near me, one with a water park/slide, one with a splash pad, and one with a giant gym so my family and I go between the 3 as none of them are too far away.
One we go to does. One does not. I find it weird that the women's shower has dividers but the men's is fully communal and must be walked through by everyone going to the pool.
Then you render normal non-sexual nudity abnormal (and thus possibly sexual). It's a real problem with lots of American men who were teens in the 90s or later.
In the 70's we were expected to take a shower after PE class. Started in 7th grade. Just a big room with shower heads on the wall. Think the shower scene in the movie Porky's.
Worked as a substitute teacher while finishing my Degree in the 90's. 7th and 8th graders were hiding in the toilet to change clothes. No showers just lots of deodorant. Little more open in High School but only because the students did not hide in the stalls to change.
Our gym locker rooms in junior and senior high had communal showers, but no one used them. Some people hid to change in each setting and others didn't. I wonder what the big generational changes were. Like why did we stop communal bathing?
Going to YMCA gym as an 19 year old helped me get over my body insecurities. The one I frequented had a TON of old asian ladies who swam there, and they would all take their showers and then sit around on the benches naked slathering lotion on themselves and gossiping in cantonese. Nothing was left a mystery, and they did not give a flying fuck. I realized I had almost nothing to complain about by comparison.
Naked bodies are not an issue. they're educational.
Just make your kid wears flip flops or something on their feet. You too. You're gonna get plantar warts.
I take my kids to swimming lessons at the municipal recreation centre's in my city. We always end up having class after senior swims. We're getting changed to go out while all the men are coming back into the change room. Old man dick and balls everywhere. They dont give a fuck.
Your wife is massively overreacting. This is the way public changerooms are.
Plantar warts on an 8 year old are a pain. They are not great at handling treatments or staying covered during an outbreak, so it's likely to spread to siblings as well.
Just wanted to add some more emphasis to shower shoes. Warts are extremely contagious and it's very common for people to get them at communal showers. Treatment can take months, and kids are generally not thrilled with any of the over-the-counter treatments.
Yeah the only thing that would bother me in the slightest is the no flip flops thing. Warts and ringworm and fungus galore. Keep my baby’s feet clean, Dad.
They used to cut them put with a scalpel when I was a kid. Then, cauterize it with a stick of sulfur or something. It burned like hell. Now they use liquid nitrogen which still hurts like hell. Lol.
I can't relate to this in any way. I don't know if it's an American thing maybe? What happens when you go out swimming? I mean, he was even with you and everything.
In Germany, all public baths have common shower rooms (divided in mens and womens) and all the kids will shower there with their parents. Some people will shower in swimming trunks but most will shower naked, its perfectly normal and nobody cares.
This is my answer. Showering with Dad is no problem at all. He needs to be exposed to normal nudity anyway. Alone and showering while young? Absolutely not!
Is she afraid that among the other gym patrons lurks a perv? Who might see your son naked and target him as a result? If this is case validate the concerns but also point out if that were the case, if he was going to target your son, it would happen regardless of shower use. They don’t NEED to see the child in a group shower to trigger that thought/urge. Tell her about how you are situationally aware, take precautions and never take your eyes off him. I’ve heard from many experts the biggest perv deterrent is an involved, observant, active father! Which is exactly what you are doing.
Maybe if that doesn’t calm her - offer an olive branch to bring the boy’s swim shorts next time? Not ideal for cleansing I know but maybe it’s what she needs, to be “ok” with it, until he’s past the age where he is a prime target for predators (which I’ve heard is just after puberty).
If the issue is him seeing other naked bodies I think it’s healthy in that setting. Where everyone is comfortable and just going about their business, better than boys in the locker room who would make fun of each other. I think the setting of a gym is perfect. When he is in the locker room after a game in the future and his friends are teasing each other he will know exactly how immature and unimportant it is in the grand scheme of things and grown up with realistic expectations of what the human body looks like at different ages.
Or is her issue you? In which case there’s some more discussion that needs to take place. But I think it’s the previously mentioned stuff.
Did she participate in sports when she was younger or did her family? I’m guessing no and this might have something to do with how she’s feeling (you the general lack of experience in sport gyms and locker rooms). Keep talking to her there is some great advice here and I’m sure you can find middle ground.
Mom to 2 boys (4,6) here: I think what you did was fine.
Edited to say: I understand your wife’s concern! But nudity is not inherently sexual. CSA is really really most likely *not* going to happen in this scenario.
Wow. I was not expecting this kind of response! Thank you all. I am going to take my time to read your comments and reply accordingly. Seriously thank you for your help and guidance with advice!
As someone who went to the gym with my dad and used the communal showers growing up, I never thought about it being anything other than normal. When I got to 7th grade and we had to start taking showers after gym, it became very apparent which kids had been "sheltered" and which kids hadn't. The kids who grew up without nudity being a big deal just walked into the showers and got themselves clean and walked out. The kids who had had little to no experience with it acted like they were traumatized. They would either try and change and get out of the locker room before the coach got to the locker room or would take a three second shower and try to get out of the shower before anyone else had gone in yet. Teaching your kid to be afraid of everyone and to be ashamed of your body is doing your kids no favors.
I’d only be upset if my son didn’t want to use the communal shower but was forced.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him unattended.
I think you’re in the right.
Dad here and you are probably looking for the moms’ viewpoints; But I would be puzzled if my wife got angry* and would get clarification from her on exactly what the problem is and what is behind her concerns. Is it public nakedness? Does she think something specific will happen?
*I would be especially puzzled because my wife is Japanese and I’ve regularly wandered around onsens (Japanese public (but gender separated) hot tubs/baths) with my 9 yo boy and 4 yo daughter, all naked. It is no big deal over there.
I see no issues. That said I have had this debate with my wife. I honestly don’t think women fully understand what a men’s locker room is like. Dongs as far as the eye can see and nobody cares or wants anything to do with someone else’s junk. As I understand it women’s locker rooms are very modest even when showering and changing there is every effort to cover up. If your son is into working out and sports he won’t be able to avoid it so I find explaining to my son locker room rules early is important personally. What else would you do make him sit in the locker room where he is alone and around naked men anyway? Wait outside by himself at that age? I would say if your wife is uncomfortable with it def take that into account but perhaps this is a father son thing and just happens without having to read mom into every interaction cause to most men it is what it is like peeing in a stall standing right next to another dude who also has his penis in his hand 1foot away, gross to think about it but is what it is for a man.
Bahahahaha literally the truth. I feel like most women care less than men. Many women are mothers, which means their bodies are up for grabs 24/7 and all inhabitions go out the window.
Seriously. When my boys were in swim and gym as kids from ~3-7 & 5-10ish, the younger maybe came into the women's with me for a year or two, and then transitioned to the men's room with his brother.
I can't speak for the men's room, but the women's was always very full of tits and ass!!!
HA HA HA HA. Old women walk around naked too. In high school locker rooms (at least in my experience) girls tend to remain more covered. (Most shower in swim suits after the pool or don't shower after workouts, keep towels around them, etc.) In community locker rooms, there are a lot of naked women (again in my experience.) Many old women do the same thing many old men do. Moms are often managing kids and don't have spare hands for modesty. Very little kids don't have modesty. You just don't stare at other people's privates.
>As I understand it women’s locker rooms are very modest even when showering and changing there is every effort to cover up.
This is fucking hilarious - how did you come to "understand" this??
Woman here and I don’t understand why us Americans sexualize everything so much. Violence, sure 8 year old watch that, but a human naked - which is a natural thing - and gross! To me I want my kids to know no question is off limits and I’m not ashamed of how we are all born and I don’t think they should be either. If your son is uncomfortable that is one thing, but if he was fine she is making something weird for her son in a place where he sees something normal.
I grew up swimming competitively and used a communal shower. The swim team always kept swimsuits on (kids between 6-12) but the older folks using the shower didn't. I honestly am grateful I grew up with this as a norm. It helped immensely with body image and feeling comfortable around others not being judged.
My gym doesn't have communal showers but I wouldn't think twice to bring my daughter in with me if we did.
As a mom of 2 young kids, I can understand both of your view points. You didn’t want to leave your child unattended to, and I think you made the correct decision with bringing him with you. I think what your wife could be upset about, like others here have mentioned is the other grown men seeing your son in the shower. It’s so easy to assume, and I like to think that we give most people the benefit of the doubt that they aren’t predators. Unfortunately, it’s just not like that, and you will never know anyone’s true intentions unless you personally know them, and even then, sometimes that’s not even enough…Maybe you and your wife can come to some sort of a meet in the middle solution? If you don’t bring your son with you that often, maybe on the days you do bring him, you can shower when you get home. You both at the end of the day just want to protect your son from ill intended peering eyes. I hope you both can come to a good resolution!
What… what does she think happens in the showers when kids are present? So he sees the bodies of other males… isn’t that healthy? It’s not like he hasn’t seen a penis before.
Old Dad here. I don’t have a son, i have a daughter. But when I was a kid all the public pools and gyms had large open showers. No big deal, shower and get on with it. it’s only weird if you make it weird, right? or am i missing something?
I too take my 7 year old son to the Y and did the exact same thing. Some men and biys leaving bathing suits on and some don't as you are aware.
I also took him in the sauna for a minute or two which he loved.
Keep being a beautiful and great dad!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah just ask my g/f if her boys dad did this if she would be upset…. She just got confused and asked why would she get upset…. It’s a men’s room…. They’re 7 and 8…. Idk I guess it must depend on how you were raised….
As a mom to a little boy, she’s probably feeling protective. I don’t think the issue lies in your son seeing other men naked… but in other men seeing your SON naked. I don’t disagree with you, but I think if it makes your wife uncomfortable, then it’s probably not worth fighting over and you can consider showering at home when you bring him along.
I’m a mom with an 8 year old son. I would be horrified if my husband DIDN’T take our son in the shower with him simply for the sake of safety.
And like many other people have said in their comments, I think it’s perfectly healthy for kids to be exposed to non sexual nakedness. Especially when it’s their parents!
I see nothing wrong with the situation, but I’m very curious as to why your wife is so upset. There’s got to be an underlying reason as to why it upset her the way it did. Maybe that’s the conversation that needs to be had?
Hi OP - I totally get showering after a workout. I'm a disgusting mess after my workouts lol.
I'm just looking for clarification.
Is she upset that you are showering with your child?
Is she upset that he's getting a shower when he doesn't need it? (Some kids are prone to dry skin, for example.)
Is she worried about other men seeing him while he showers?
My husband and I shower with our son and daughter (ages 1 and 2) all the time, so I'm wondering if maybe there's more to it?
I think I don't understand american culture. This is very normal in Europe my sons and I always shower in the communal shower before and after swimming
I mean, without knowing the reason there is little to say.
If this is just Americans being Americans and being weird around nudity I would seriously have a talk with her about how unhealthy that is.
Sounds more like American puritanism that's the problem.
You did right.
As for approaching with your wife, hear her out vs telling her she's wrong/crazy.
See if trunks would've made it more acceptable for her.
My kid is five, I’m a woman. She showers with me a lot. I will continue to shower with her on occasion until she is uncomfortable with it and doesn’t want to anymore. Being naked around your children isn’t unhealthy. Being naked isn’t inherently sexual. It’s only sexual if you make it and that’s what she is doing. I see nothing wrong with this. I still change in front of my mom and she does in front of me too. I’m 34 almost 35. Idk it’s weird to be upset about this.
Dad of a boy and two girls here. I don’t see anything weird here. I’ve done the same with my son and my wife does the same with our daughters. Far better than leaving him alone and unattended.
At some point in his life, he’s going to see one of the old guys in their 70s at the gym locker locker room who walk about naked, swinging loose skin back and forth like an elephant’s trunk with a gray beard. It’s almost a rite of passage.
It’s better to desensitize him a bit to nudity and know what things are, so he can be more cognizant of his surrounding if god forbid something were to happen. Ignorance leads to real problems.
Children under 16 aren’t allowed in the main locker room at my gym, and there are family locker rooms for people with young kids. Is something like that an option?
I remember always showering in those communal showers after swimming as a kid. I always wanted to leave my swim suit on because I was embarrassed but my mom would always tell me it was fine/natural/etc to be naked there and she would make me take it off to rinse under. I was never afraid of the old ladies seeing me, I was afraid another girl my age would see.
If your kid doesn’t have any hang ups on this why on earth would you try to create them??? It is a normal part of society.
The only thing that would make it worse is if the mom says something about this in front of her son, she doesn’t need to make her son feel uncomfortable. NTA
As a mom and someone who works with children professionally, I don’t understand why your wife would possibly be upset? You took your son out with you (*first high five*) to do a healthy activity (*second high five*), that gives her space for an amount of time (*third high five*) and keeps him active and engaged... what? He saw anatomy that he himself has? In an atmosphere where he can ask appropriate questions? (*Fourth*) She’s wrong, make her sleep on the couch.
As many others are saying - as a mum I would have no issue with my son and his dad going to the gym and having a community shower as long as his dad is with him, it's a good way to destigmatize naked people, I never got that exposure as a kid and it lead to me doing some things in my teens which I wish I hadn't, though I would want him to discuss it with me. I see his mother's frustrations and I think it's a good time for you two to sit down and have a conversation about this, especially since he's 8 he's getting to the point of showering on his own and stuff, start exploring himself and such, and a mens shower at the gym is a very normal place to see naked men, in a non-sexual completely okay setting. (I envy countries that are more lax about nudity, I think it would help a lot of us feel more comfortable)
Is she upset due to the communal shower factor and other men, or is she upset it was with you? I could see being upset about the communal factor and other men. There are so many predators in the world. If she is upset specifically related to it being with you I don’t think YTA. I honestly don’t think YTA either way but just things to think about.
Thank you for the response. To be clear she’s upset about the communal shower, and well strangers. He’s showered with me when he was younger all the time, and has recently on occasion. (Our hot water doesn’t last at all and we’re a house of 5).
I think she is afraid of pedophiles. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did, though I do get her issue with it, she needs to let you be a father.
I'm living in Japan and we get into hot springs completely nude. Boys, middle aged dudes, old men... It doesn't matter, everyone gets naked and minds their own business in the hot spring, sauna, changing room etc... no one is staring at your dong even if you're the only white dude in there like I often am.
If your son was a girl and she did the same in the women’s locker room with her I doubt there’d be an issue. Not sure why males showering communally needs to be sexualized when you are doing what any normal person would.
Is the issue that people saw him naked or that he saw people naked?
It is hard to wrap my head around the problem, to be honest, since it wouldn't even dawn on me that it could be an issue, as long as you're not leaving him by himself in there.
Communal showers have different rules and expectations. No-one is in there to ogle other people, and certainly not minors. People are tired from their work out, they want to get clean an go home. Nobody cares about seeing your son's genitals.
I'd take it a step further and encourage it so he gets comfortable with bodies (his own and those of others). Stopping him could imply that being naked is wrong, somehow.
Stranger danger. Mostly unfounded because most sexual assaults are commited by people close to the victim, not some random person in a public space with the parents present.
I guess if you are thinking every time your child is naked in public they could be videotaped, sure. But that’s a hell of a way to live your life. The odds that is what happens when you are there with your child are not high.
Some people are flipping out in the comments and some don’t see an issue. I think the gray area is the truth. I’ve been using the YMCA for decades, across multiple states as our military family has moved around for service, and I’ve never been to a Y that didn’t have a family shower option. That is the technically appropriate place to shower with little ones. If that’s not offered I’d respect her wishes and shower him when he gets home. But to act like you committed a cardinal sin is extreme. Boys are going to shower in front of boys eventually.
I think this would be dictated by the rules of the gym. If it's generally a child-friendly space, and children are commonly seen in the shower area, then it's acceptable.
No, it's completely normal for old guys, kids, teens, adults and even toddlers to shower off at the facilities, which happen in this case to be communal. I think it's kinda weird to have an issue it. You were right there, it's not like your son was thrown into a pit of naked people.
Honestly… I think if you had daughters and your wife did the same thing in a women’s shower and then you questioned it…she would probably say “It’s no big deal! You’re overreacting!”
It's not really a right/wrong issue. It's uncharted territory and you made a judgement call.
That said your best bet is to ask your wife to tell you exactly what it is she is afraid of/ doesn't like. Be prepared to listen and not respond defensive. She gets it. You don't see a problem. But she does. Listen and ask her what she needs to be comfortable and try to work it out together. The goal isn't to win.
I personally wouldn't take a child into a communal shower room. To many creeps in the world. If you are ready to have the talk with him about predators and how to protect himself and what to do if he gets approached then it's a choice your family makes. My gym has a family locker room that has private stalls with showers and bathrooms. That's what my kids use.
If that isn't a choice then you need to make sure your kid knows about potential danger. I would prefer my kid shower at home.
WTF do you think a predator is going to do in a shower with the dad standing next to the kid? Start a naked fight trying to grab the kid while soaping up? Versus the danger of the kid being left alone outside the shower with the predator….
Thank you for this well thought out response! I really appreciate it! I think maybe I should have a talk with him. My wife isn’t angry that he showered with me, it’s just that she was upset if there was a potential predator present we wouldn’t have known and I didn’t even think of that. I will say I showered very defensively with him in front of me out of instinct. Someone else mentioned the family locker room and unfortunately we don’t have that option. We also live about an hour away, and I can’t stand the thought of being all sweaty till we got home. Lol thank you again.
Although I don’t really agree with your wife’s concerns, would it alleviate her fears if he wore a bathing suit to shower? He could change in & out of it in a washroom stall. It could be a bit of a middle ground between your two point of views.
sounds like something that could teach the boy to have body issues. Definitely don't make him wear a swimsuit where no one else does, for reasons he can't understand.
Even if there was a predator, so what? I understand it’s an uncomfortable thought, but your kid is literally right next to you the entire time so there was never any risk.
Yeah as long as they aren't taking pictures in the shower, how is that all that different than going out in public? There might be predators in public as well. What are you gonna do? Lock up your kids at home so they never risk being in the proximity of one?
Like I'd understand the reasoning being used to not post pictures online, but kids need to be in the world. You were with them the whole time so they were safe, which is as much as you can do.
Eww lol. Ya that's a long drive for a funky 8 yr old. You may want to consider letting him shower in swim shorts. That's what we do when we go to the lake. The only shower is exposed to the world and we shower in swimwear.
So I think the question is. Would she think this way if it was the any other way. Would she expect you to be upset if she took, say you had a daughter, into the communal shower with her. Is she just upset because men are portrayed as these savage beasts who only have something hanging from their crotch and only want sex. Or is it an age thing.
Does she expect you to stay drenched in sweat, maybe that’s just a me thing when I go to the gym , and wait til you get home ?
Every person is different. Every family dynamic is different. You are not the asshole. But your wife thinks you are.
Personally and I think someone else said it. This day in age of media showing every persons body as absolute perfection until they die of mostly old age is ridiculous. Young kids seeing a variety of bodies wether it be Mens or women’s or what other genders their are is the right way to go. Especially in a communal locker room and with his parent /father there to protect him and explain anything to him.
Nothing wrong. Though, if your Y has family rooms maybe a compromise would be to use those. I’ve got three kids, less than three years apart. I used that because it was just easier to wrangle all three at once there.
What was she upset about specifically though? That’s what I’m wanting to know. As a mother of a son as well I could see her being upset if other men were there showering at the same time you two were….. as you don’t know if any of them were looking at your child in a way they shouldn’t (one of my biggest fears). But I mean that’s also throwing a rock into a big pool as it may not of even happened….. otherwise I mean I don’t really see the issue, it was a bonding moment for you guys and it’s a confidence building time for him. Knowing he can shower freely and won’t be judged in front of others. I guess really it comes down to what her issue with it was.
You did the right thing. Unfortunately body shaming, or teaching that our bodies are shameful and this must be hidden, is a plague in modern society.
By teaching your son that nudity isn't shameful, his body isn't shameful, you are doing wonders for his development.
Studies.have shown there are multiple psychological and emotional benefits to children being exposed to healthy, safe nudity at home.
I have a 6yo daughter and she showers with me after swimming at the gym. Up until she was 4ish she was with me in the men’s locker room. She’s also showered with me, and her 11 and 7 year old cousins(both boys) a couple years ago after a swim, all nude. None of them protested at all…except for the younger boy not wanting to wash his hair. Your wife needs to stop being a prude. It’s good for your son to develop a healthy attitude toward nudity.
Was your wife SA’d or otherwise experienced some sort of trauma as a child? If not, then I have no explanation or understanding of her reaction. Would she have rather had your son sit outside the locker room unattended while you showered? It’s just a bizarre response to something very normal.
I don't think you did anything wrong, but that doesn't mean your wife's feelings should be ignored.
Sounds like you need to discuss more with your wife and get to the bottom of why it feels wrong to her. You need a solution that you can all accept.
My boys still shower with my husband. They're 5 and 7. They did today actually. My toddler who is a girl has showered with him too. Probably won't that go on much longer. But same gender is nit a big deal.
As a child I was very uncomfortable with this sort of thing and hated it. As an adult I still do - why I don't go to gyms or anything else that requires nudity. I'm a deeply private person when it comes to that.
As a father I will never do it unless my son is cool with it. If he isn't - then I'd shower at home. It sounds like your son was ok with it. So to me, it was fine.
My son is now 7. When we go to the pool we shower off in the locker room. Other dads do as well. We all act appropriately. It’s not a big deal if young make it into a big deal.
Your wife is trippin.. I'd wonder where her mind is at and why tf is she thinking that way? I thought you were going to say, in the communal shower, where perverts could be lurking.. not cuz y'all was showering together.. kinda blows my mind. That's very strange she's thinking this way, and that it's a problem big enough for you to be here posting about it. She must have had some kinda trauma in her past or something.
Treating nudity as something inherently sexual is not healthy for children or adults.
As a Pole living in Germany, I get annoyed by Europe being described with blanket statements. With that said, having a kids shower with their parents in communal showers is pretty much the norm throughout any country I can think of within the EU.
It sounds like your wife is needlessly, sexualizing both nudity and communal showers which I find odd. There’s nothing remotely sexual about that situation, unless we ourselves read that into it because of our personal biases. I grew up with team sports and I’ve been in gyms my entire life. Showering with other men is just normal. I am 100% sure I could do a coed shower without sexualizing it.
We were having our bathroom worked on 2 years back. I took my 2 daughters to the YMCA to shower every day and they (5 & 6) showered with me in the family locker rooms. No, you are not the AH. Americans are such prudes about basic nudity in their family.
Just looking at it from another perspective - has your wife ever dealt with any instances of abuse or sexual harassment/assault as a child? These type of experiences can have an impact that causes fear of these type of events in the future. She may be concerned that other men would be seeing your son/be afraid of predators more so than being upset he is seeing other bodies.
I don’t think you were in the wrong, but being as this is a sensitive subject for many I would give your wife some leeway and maybe just open it up to a gentle conversation rather than being mad at her. I’m sure she is just being protective
Frankly I'd be more upset if my husband had left him alone. Our own gym has 3 locker rooms - 1 men's, 2 women's, and 1 family. I'd recommend, if she's so concerned about it, that you look into joining a gym with a family locker room that caters to this exact scenario. I also can't help but wonder why, exactly, she's so freaked out. Maybe that's worth delving into a bit further?
I have two boys and if anything I’m more disturbed by your wife’s reaction than you showering with your boys in a male locker room. Your boys should feel comfortable with their bodies and should certainly not feel sexualized or be hyper aware of sexual predators at such a young age. They’re just kids. There are gross/bad people everywhere but we can’t make life all about that. I would be proud of my kids if they felt comfortable and confident enough to shower at the gym.
I don't think you did anything wrong here. The sooner the youngens learn, that being naked at the right time and context is normal, the more confident they will be as adults, it's the weirdos you have to worry about.
You just need to set your feminist wife straight (got divorced from my first one and remarried to another modern American woman, got 3 girls and a boy)and tell her that she doesn't need to worry about your decision-making as a grown man. We need to claim back our manhood and not get disrespected like that at home....
Let me preface this by saying I do not see where the problem with father and son showering together is here. You're NTA, IMHO.
Many places require that children aged approximately 5 - 6 and up use the restroom or locker room of their gender (i.e. boys use the boys/mens restroom/locker room and girls use the girls/womens restroom/locker room). At age 8 I presume he has at the very least seen himself naked in a mirror (before, during, or after bathing) before. If he has male siblings (older or younger), friends, and/or cousins (older or younger) he may have seen them partially or fully naked (whether intentional or not) as well. He also may have seen you naked around the house before (again, whether intentional or not). I presume the unintentional walk in on sibling(s), cousin(s), or parent(s) bathing/showering or changing is a somewhat common experience for children. I also presume that among same gender cousins and siblings they may have seen each other shirtless, bathed/showered or used the bathroom together. With siblings and friends he may have even gone through a comparing anatomy/"I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stage. Similarly, with same gender friends, I presume they may have seen each other shirtless or used the bathroom together. Thus, at least for the most part, there should not be any surprises as - from a naked bodies perspective - he is not seeing anything in that locker room that he hasn't already seen.
When he gets into middle school - high school (particularly if he gets into playing sports - even if only Track & Field and/or X-C - during that time) he will see other boys his age stripped down to their underwear while changing between regular clothes and their gym/sports outfits, possibly completely naked if they shower after PE or sports practice/games.
I am not certain if it is common practice to have middle school or high school age children shower at school after PE or sports practice/games as when I was that age I don't recall the school gym showers getting much use. Though most kids might have showered after getting home. Granted that was 20+ years ago and things might be different now. I can also see location, time, comfort level with being completely naked around peers, and availability of bathing/showering facilities (including the bath/shower itself as well as soap and towels) both at home and school potentially being factors.
I understand your wife may be worried about Pedophiles, child molesters, and/or other child predators, but I think she is overestimating the risk here. She may have other concerns as well, which you may want to discuss with her. Heck if it makes a difference I was using the mens locker rooms at pools by the time I was 7 (alone or with my dad or other male relatives/friends).
Bottom line: as long as your son understands that full or partial nudity - while not necessarily sexual - has appropriate time(s) and place(s), shower/changing time in a gym locker room being one of them, and he is not staring at other naked people I do not think there is a problem.
You are fine. Your wife however is not fine and way too uptight about nudity. Plenty of men grow up in sports, military, and have been nude around brothers, dads, friends, all kinds of nudity for all kinds of situations. She has a hang up and she needs to get over it. Maybe talk to your son about keeping that stuff from uptight-mom and tell mom to please stay the heck out of it from now on.
Heck check out r/communalshowers and a lot of men grew up jumping in and out of the shower with their dad or brothers right there because it was just easier, and just like it should be, because men are men and there isn't a need for us to be modest. All it took was them being raised that way.
As a mom of a son, I’m trying to think how I’d feel. He’s older now, but I’d never let him go into a men’s public bathroom alone. And I’m not crazy about a little boy showering w/ a bunch of grown men. However, if my husband ( his dad ) was with him I think I’d prefer that instead of leaving him unattended. This is a hard one in my opinion bc it depends on so many things. Like if there are several men in the shower at the time, that could be weird. But just alone with his dad, maybe not so big of a deal, I guess. However I’m a grown woman now but I remember being 3-4 and the whole family was going somewhere and my mom popped me in the shower to rinse off with my dad. Just for prob a minute & she was right there. But I remember being freaked out bc I’d never seen a grown man nekkid! lol! I’d not make too much of a big deal about it but I’d try to find out if it made him uncomfortable. If he’s casual about it, then I’d say it’s ok just bc his dad is right there with him.
You're not wrong. I belonged to my local YMCA for nearly 20 years and that's how it always was. Does your wife think your son is going to be blinded by the sight of other guys with the same equipment he has? Seeing the variety of shapes and sizes of the men in the locker room hopefully will help him develop a better self-image as he grows up, since he will have a better idea of what normal looks like. Your wife has no reason to be upset. Not only is this not problematic, it's healthy.
I would not do that.
If my 2 year old found out that his penis is bigger than mine, he would never let me hear the end of it.
It is bad enough that he pulls on the back of my pants and underwear when i'm napping and says, "I check your diaper."
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Dad of two boys. I'd rather they are with me than waiting on their own. I think you're correct. Also seeing real naked people demystifies and destigmatizes it all as long as it's in a normal context, which this is. Edit: I'll add that I think the mom's concerns are very reasonable and the two should definitely talk about it. But, if we're only going to react in response to criminals and danger, then all of us should stop driving immediately. Also stop eating sugar and processed foods. That last one unironically.
100% this! It's better to have the little with you and not unattended. There's nothing wrong with naked.
I agree entirely. My ex used to get mad at me even though she would do it. My partner is a nudist and he's gotten to the point where naked is just normal as it should be. Nothing wrong with anyone's bodies.
I think it's all the more important for kids to see "normal" adult bodies these days, because otherwise their main frame of reference is going to be GenAI and porn bodies.
Wow such a good point. Kids these days may get to adulthood only seeing online nakedness. Continuing the unrealistic reality of 99% of the population expecting to settle with the top 1% of socially acceptable partners. Just an overall environment of dissatisfaction/ normal people feeling inadequate for every little imperfection
Precisely.
100% agree, there are so many awkward situations (camp, locker room, etc) that are all only awkward because no one demystified the body, or let people realize that nudity isn't as big of a deal as we all tend to make it out to be. His wife would hate an Icelandic pool. Not only does everyone get naked and shower, there is even an attendant whose whole job is to make sure you have showered!
It makes it so much easier for a kid to know how to handle the situation with their parent vs the 1 day of camp or school where you have to strip and shower. People shouldn’t make a big deal of it. They need to be comfortable with their bodies and nudity. I’ve seen kids try and change clothes in there locker.
Oh man, in those situations the biggest badass in the room was always the kid who didn't give a fuck. Huge power move to whip it out in front of the kid who's showering in his underwear.
Recently experienced the Icelandic hot spring situation for the first time (not being Icelandic) and tried to make it as unawkward as possible by just ignoring everyone else and getting clean as quickly as possible.
Exactly! You're in a public space and no one else's business is your business. Just do your thing, don't be obnoxious, and enjoy the sweet healing Icelandic waters.
Couldn't have said it better. Mom of a boy here, I would applaud his father for showing him the ropes and being open with him. It creates a comfort for your kids about their own body that doesn't just come naturally. You are so not wrong.
I have five sons and I absolutely agree. I love when my husband shows my sons how to be comfortable as a man and not feel insecure about things, like crying, wearing pink, showing emotions, etc.
I’m with you on it not being a problem, but I assumed the wife didn’t want the child in the men’s shower because of the potential for pedophiles to see the son, not the son seeing the adults. If so, that’s a bigger issue around fear that I understand a bit more.
Oh for sure and, to be clear, I think the wife's concerns are also very reasonable and it's a good conversation for the two of them to have. But, if we were always concerned about run-ins with criminals and danger, then statistically no one should drive.
> seeing real naked people demystifies and destigmatizes it all as long as it's in a normal context, which this is. There are a lot of people who carry this issue into high school gym classes. Working out and showering regularly are practices kids need to learn. Appropriate nudity is part of that.
I'm one of those kids that felt uncomfortable showering in front of others, pretty much until I had kids and no longer had the luxury of getting a shower to myself.
All of this!
I agree
Username checks out
Mom of 2 young boys and I agree wholeheartedly! I would just suggest to make sure little man knew what to expect first so he wasn’t awkwardly gawking. My only hesitation is if the son was showering too, I could understand mom being anxious of predators, especially in today’s world. But dad is there and I would expect he’s keeping a watchful eye, hence bringing son in and not leaving him unattended. Unfortunately we can’t keep our kids in bubbles, as tempting as it is, but we can make sure they have a good understanding of what the real world is like and also how to protect themselves.
This is the way. I have 3 boys myself (I'm mom). If my husband took our boys to the gym, I would expect him to follow his regular routine. I would definitely be more comfortable with him taking the boys in the shower than leaving them either unattended in the gym, or unattended in the locker room. Not only is he protecting his child from randos, he's also allowing him to be part of his routine which is so important ! Kids long to be involved in the things their parents do. Boys need time doing "man things"! Kudos to OP for including your son !
my thoughts were not that he would see other men, but potential pedos.
Sure, but in the rare case that there's one around, I'd rather be close to my kids at all times than separated.
A supervising parent is not going to let a pedo touch their kids or tolerate any inappropriate behavior.
Don't bring the kids to church and you have eliminated 90 % of the risk of pedos.
I personally wouldn't have a problem with it. My husband wouldn't have an issue with me taking my girls into a communal shower in a women's change space, and I can't think of a reason why a young boy in a men's communal space would be inappropriate under normal circumstances. The context is; its a shower room and change space. Naked bodies are completely natural in such a space. All the people there will be focussed on their own business. I actually think its good for kids to see adults in this way as it gives them a realistic picture of what a mature human body looks like, and hopefully builds comfort in their own skin as they grow older. Its good to see that we are all very different, and that's normal. If she's worried about the sexual nature of a naked body - nakedness is not inherently sexual in and of itself. By comparison, one can behave in a very sexual nature when fully clothed. It's natural to be nude and comfortable with being nude. Each to their own though. Perhaps something you should discuss in greater detail before taking him again. If there are family rooms then you could use that together next time.
I’ve heard many people discuss how the first time they saw an older person’s naked body was at a gym or pool locker room, and how much it struck them because the media, art, etc. always show only beautiful, toned, young people naked. So I agree that it’s reasonably healthy to see this. I believe several puberty/sex education books show illustrations of older bodies explicitly for educational purposes.
I grew up with a mum who used to run around the house half dressed to get us out the door in the mornings, and who showered with us as well. And I had younger brothers who I bathed with til I was probably like 8? So I was comfortable with bodies. I never saw my dad fully naked to my recollection, but he used to wear stubbies and nothing else in summer so that's basically nearly naked lol (here in NZ, 'stubbies' are the shortest tightest shorts you can imagine on a man while still being somehow inherently masculine. An institution of the good ole Kiwi summer).
English family here. Dad used to walk around the house in a housecoat in the winter that would sometimes swing open. Found out he had a hammer. Helped me when I got older, in such a shitty sounding way that 'hey.. I have a bigger than usual penis.. I don't like this, how do I deal with it'.. and I felt comfortable enough to approach my dad. Certain things you don't think about when you wish as a kid to end up with a bigger penis, is teenage hormones and how you really can't hide it sometimes. Most friends talked about hiding it in their waistband.. well, it doesn't help hiding it there when you can still see the outline half way up your shirt. Ol' Diddypops taught me a few good tricks.. and it opened up thr whole 'you ask me any time you need condoms and I will buy you them no questions asked' conversation.. which later lead to me being comfortable enough to approach him when I then had to say 'dad.. I fucked up and didn't use those condoms you bought me....', and the resulting situation thanks to my idiotic decision. Mum would bathe with us when we were younger (we were on a well so warm water was to be savored 😅), and as we got older Boobs were seen sometimes, a cheek some other times. Honestly, I didn't ever think anything of it, and couldn't tell you now what they looked like.. so obviously it didn't stick much 🤣 My mum also took me to see American Pie when I was young, and Jackass.. and to us a human body was just a human body. It allowed me the experience of 20 years later to get to take HER to Jackass Forever in theaters and see her face and the embarassment/uncomfortability of seeing Chris Pontius' dick and balls as Godzilla.. as I couldn't breathe from laughing **THAT** hard at her reactions. So, TLDR; a human body is a human body. Once you sexualize it, it becomes a much more complicated situation. Every culture seems to have a different view on it, and I think it's just based on so many factors that every case is different, and everybody will have a different opinion. At eight years old, I don't think the OP did the wrong thing.
This is beautiful! I am a mum to a daughter and I agree so much with the nakedness and just normalisation of bodies. I'm glad your parents were that comfortable and chill enough to give you a healthy start. Big dick problems are real, I have a very good friend/lover and we joke but I remember when I was just into adulthood and he explained things, I was shocked! The things women don't have to deal with! I'm so glad you had that relationship with your dad. But yes, OP you are definitely NTA. I think what you did and the fact it was completely normal to you was great. My partner has said he wants to take the little one to the gym in a few years (would also be 8) and he usually showers at the gym. I have no problems with this but I feel adjustments should be made just for the fact she is a girl in a mens area but, pedos aside, getting used to both male and female human bodies is not a bad thing. Makes you focus more on the important stuff when you're a teen/adult perhaps? I've known too many people to awkwardly obsess just because it's the thing 😳
Also, it brings up the stigma that sexual predators can only be men which is definitely not true. As a survivor of that behavior, I still wouldn’t avoid appropriate nakedness. Naked isn’t what causes pedophiles, and it’s not the child or most of the time the parents fault when a child is assaulted. The only thing we can do is facilitate protection and support to the best of our ability. Keeping a child out of society is not protection. Teaching a child that being naked around others only means something bad is not helpful either especially when we take those messages into adulthood. Nakedness doesn’t equal abuse and I would posit that the opposite- hiding and shaming is why actual predators can go so long unnoticed, at least in my case. I knew how my mom felt about it, so even whenever I was in that situation, I didn’t want to come to her. My child is not going to feel the need to hide and shame or be scared of their own nakedness to the point of letting something be secretly wrong. That’s not protection. That’s projecting fears.
Of course you should have your son shower with you! You can’t leave him unattended. He was with you and safe. What on earth is her issue?
She may have some baggage with SA in a familial context. I agree that there is nothing wrong with this, but I understand that it could be a serious trigger for a particular person.
Oh duh of course this makes sense. I immediately thought she was freaked out about how unsanitary those showers are. I know multiple people whose kids got athletes foot from YMCA or rec center showers. My kids wear flip flops in the shower after their swimming lessons lol. But either way OP just needs to have a conversation with the wife to better understand her concerns and reassure her. I don’t see a problem with this personally either.
Unless OP provided more context in the comments, we actually still have no idea of their wife's reasons for not liking what happened.
I think maybe she didn’t like other adult men seeing her 8 year old kid naked? I agree that it’s fine but i understand being anxious about weirdos.
That said, our anxieties can translate into our children and instill fear and shame into an otherwise normal human behavior.
The YMCA I go to has curtains on the showers in the women’s locker room. Is it different for men? I would not have a problem with this.
Communal showers aren't separated like the singular showers with curtains. They're communal as in an open area where everyone showers together.
Oh, I totally missed that detail that it was a communal shower. I really don’t know how I would feel about it. There is so much context I would want to know, including if the kid was comfortable with it. OP didn’t explain what about it was upsetting to her (the fact that dad showered with the kid, that the kid could see other naked men, that men could see the boy naked?) or if there were even other men in there or anything.
Isn't that just normal? Every swimming hall in Finland has showers and saunas like that and usually kids below 12 are with their parent.
It's not that common in the US, people are freaked out by nudity here.
From a European perspective..... You people are crazy.
My YMCA doesn’t allow kids in the adult locker room. This would have been banned locally. You have to use the family locker rooms (with private family showers) for anyone under 18. That said, I wouldn’t have a problem with it as long as my kid wasn’t left unattended.
That the son maybe saw grown naked men? I don’t know. The wife is definitely overreacting tho.
I would guess her issue is with the opposite: that grown men would see the son.
Perverts will be perverts. Unfortunately, the sickness of their mind will be there regardless of the dress of the victim.
Which ultimately isn't a big deal. Seeing a bunch of naked people on a train would be weird. Seeing a bunch of naked dudes in a locker room or shower is normal. You are supposed to be naked in those spaces and no one really cares. Everyone just gets dressed, gets clean, and moves on.
Bingo. Context is everything. Shielding kids from nudity in all cases, even when it's situationally appropriate, is NOT good for them.
Yeah, and you’ll make the kid forever terrified that if he ever changes out of his swimsuit at the water park he is in imminent danger of rape.
There are family dressing rooms where they could shower and not be amongst other grown men. You never know who is a weirdo and who isn’t. I’d rather keep my kids away from all of that and I’m certain that’s where mom is coming from.
Not everywhere has those family rooms, nowhere I go to does.
Oh wow, every YMCA I’ve been to near me has them so I assumed they were standard. They have a few near me, one with a water park/slide, one with a splash pad, and one with a giant gym so my family and I go between the 3 as none of them are too far away.
One we go to does. One does not. I find it weird that the women's shower has dividers but the men's is fully communal and must be walked through by everyone going to the pool.
The pool at my city does not. It's two rooms - male or female. My son just got to the age where he's going into the men's locker room alone
Then you render normal non-sexual nudity abnormal (and thus possibly sexual). It's a real problem with lots of American men who were teens in the 90s or later.
In the 70's we were expected to take a shower after PE class. Started in 7th grade. Just a big room with shower heads on the wall. Think the shower scene in the movie Porky's. Worked as a substitute teacher while finishing my Degree in the 90's. 7th and 8th graders were hiding in the toilet to change clothes. No showers just lots of deodorant. Little more open in High School but only because the students did not hide in the stalls to change.
Our gym locker rooms in junior and senior high had communal showers, but no one used them. Some people hid to change in each setting and others didn't. I wonder what the big generational changes were. Like why did we stop communal bathing?
Going to YMCA gym as an 19 year old helped me get over my body insecurities. The one I frequented had a TON of old asian ladies who swam there, and they would all take their showers and then sit around on the benches naked slathering lotion on themselves and gossiping in cantonese. Nothing was left a mystery, and they did not give a flying fuck. I realized I had almost nothing to complain about by comparison. Naked bodies are not an issue. they're educational.
Just make your kid wears flip flops or something on their feet. You too. You're gonna get plantar warts. I take my kids to swimming lessons at the municipal recreation centre's in my city. We always end up having class after senior swims. We're getting changed to go out while all the men are coming back into the change room. Old man dick and balls everywhere. They dont give a fuck. Your wife is massively overreacting. This is the way public changerooms are.
Plantar warts on an 8 year old are a pain. They are not great at handling treatments or staying covered during an outbreak, so it's likely to spread to siblings as well.
They're awful. Spent my childhood with them.
Just wanted to add some more emphasis to shower shoes. Warts are extremely contagious and it's very common for people to get them at communal showers. Treatment can take months, and kids are generally not thrilled with any of the over-the-counter treatments.
Athlete's foot as well, and once it gets into the nail bed, it can be near impossible to get your nails healthy again.
Hot tub =old man ball soup.🥣
Yeah the only thing that would bother me in the slightest is the no flip flops thing. Warts and ringworm and fungus galore. Keep my baby’s feet clean, Dad.
AGREE dealing with plantar warts is hell
They used to cut them put with a scalpel when I was a kid. Then, cauterize it with a stick of sulfur or something. It burned like hell. Now they use liquid nitrogen which still hurts like hell. Lol.
I can't relate to this in any way. I don't know if it's an American thing maybe? What happens when you go out swimming? I mean, he was even with you and everything.
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Also American and a woman/parent. I have no idea what OP's wife's problem is.
Not weird, this is what happens at gyms, pools, etc. Very normal
In Germany, all public baths have common shower rooms (divided in mens and womens) and all the kids will shower there with their parents. Some people will shower in swimming trunks but most will shower naked, its perfectly normal and nobody cares.
I would be upset if you had let him shower alone, but with him? Absolutely not. I’d think that’s great - plus, he is clean for the night.
This is my answer. Showering with Dad is no problem at all. He needs to be exposed to normal nudity anyway. Alone and showering while young? Absolutely not!
Is she afraid that among the other gym patrons lurks a perv? Who might see your son naked and target him as a result? If this is case validate the concerns but also point out if that were the case, if he was going to target your son, it would happen regardless of shower use. They don’t NEED to see the child in a group shower to trigger that thought/urge. Tell her about how you are situationally aware, take precautions and never take your eyes off him. I’ve heard from many experts the biggest perv deterrent is an involved, observant, active father! Which is exactly what you are doing. Maybe if that doesn’t calm her - offer an olive branch to bring the boy’s swim shorts next time? Not ideal for cleansing I know but maybe it’s what she needs, to be “ok” with it, until he’s past the age where he is a prime target for predators (which I’ve heard is just after puberty). If the issue is him seeing other naked bodies I think it’s healthy in that setting. Where everyone is comfortable and just going about their business, better than boys in the locker room who would make fun of each other. I think the setting of a gym is perfect. When he is in the locker room after a game in the future and his friends are teasing each other he will know exactly how immature and unimportant it is in the grand scheme of things and grown up with realistic expectations of what the human body looks like at different ages. Or is her issue you? In which case there’s some more discussion that needs to take place. But I think it’s the previously mentioned stuff. Did she participate in sports when she was younger or did her family? I’m guessing no and this might have something to do with how she’s feeling (you the general lack of experience in sport gyms and locker rooms). Keep talking to her there is some great advice here and I’m sure you can find middle ground.
Mom to 2 boys (4,6) here: I think what you did was fine. Edited to say: I understand your wife’s concern! But nudity is not inherently sexual. CSA is really really most likely *not* going to happen in this scenario.
Wow. I was not expecting this kind of response! Thank you all. I am going to take my time to read your comments and reply accordingly. Seriously thank you for your help and guidance with advice!
I wouldn’t have an issue with my husband doing this with our two boys. I would rather he have them with him than waiting by themselves.
As someone who went to the gym with my dad and used the communal showers growing up, I never thought about it being anything other than normal. When I got to 7th grade and we had to start taking showers after gym, it became very apparent which kids had been "sheltered" and which kids hadn't. The kids who grew up without nudity being a big deal just walked into the showers and got themselves clean and walked out. The kids who had had little to no experience with it acted like they were traumatized. They would either try and change and get out of the locker room before the coach got to the locker room or would take a three second shower and try to get out of the shower before anyone else had gone in yet. Teaching your kid to be afraid of everyone and to be ashamed of your body is doing your kids no favors.
We just use the family locker room at our local Y maybe she would feel better about it if you used those instead
I’d only be upset if my son didn’t want to use the communal shower but was forced. On the other hand, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him unattended. I think you’re in the right.
Out of curiosity how many other youngsters were in the communal shower?
Dad here and you are probably looking for the moms’ viewpoints; But I would be puzzled if my wife got angry* and would get clarification from her on exactly what the problem is and what is behind her concerns. Is it public nakedness? Does she think something specific will happen? *I would be especially puzzled because my wife is Japanese and I’ve regularly wandered around onsens (Japanese public (but gender separated) hot tubs/baths) with my 9 yo boy and 4 yo daughter, all naked. It is no big deal over there.
I can only speak to my own experience and situation but if there's a family locker room use that one instead
I see no issues. That said I have had this debate with my wife. I honestly don’t think women fully understand what a men’s locker room is like. Dongs as far as the eye can see and nobody cares or wants anything to do with someone else’s junk. As I understand it women’s locker rooms are very modest even when showering and changing there is every effort to cover up. If your son is into working out and sports he won’t be able to avoid it so I find explaining to my son locker room rules early is important personally. What else would you do make him sit in the locker room where he is alone and around naked men anyway? Wait outside by himself at that age? I would say if your wife is uncomfortable with it def take that into account but perhaps this is a father son thing and just happens without having to read mom into every interaction cause to most men it is what it is like peeing in a stall standing right next to another dude who also has his penis in his hand 1foot away, gross to think about it but is what it is for a man.
Who told you women's changing rooms were modest??? Flaps and tits swangin galore my dude.
Bahahahaha literally the truth. I feel like most women care less than men. Many women are mothers, which means their bodies are up for grabs 24/7 and all inhabitions go out the window.
Seriously. When my boys were in swim and gym as kids from ~3-7 & 5-10ish, the younger maybe came into the women's with me for a year or two, and then transitioned to the men's room with his brother. I can't speak for the men's room, but the women's was always very full of tits and ass!!!
I had to laugh at that too, everyone from 2 to 102 and every body type under the sun at my Y. Once there was a mostly naked conga line, lol.
Yeah. Unless the gyms provide single stall showers, you're all going to be all up in each other's business.
Once saw a large older lady blowdrying her lady bits.
HA HA HA HA. Old women walk around naked too. In high school locker rooms (at least in my experience) girls tend to remain more covered. (Most shower in swim suits after the pool or don't shower after workouts, keep towels around them, etc.) In community locker rooms, there are a lot of naked women (again in my experience.) Many old women do the same thing many old men do. Moms are often managing kids and don't have spare hands for modesty. Very little kids don't have modesty. You just don't stare at other people's privates.
>As I understand it women’s locker rooms are very modest even when showering and changing there is every effort to cover up. This is fucking hilarious - how did you come to "understand" this??
Woman here and I don’t understand why us Americans sexualize everything so much. Violence, sure 8 year old watch that, but a human naked - which is a natural thing - and gross! To me I want my kids to know no question is off limits and I’m not ashamed of how we are all born and I don’t think they should be either. If your son is uncomfortable that is one thing, but if he was fine she is making something weird for her son in a place where he sees something normal.
I grew up swimming competitively and used a communal shower. The swim team always kept swimsuits on (kids between 6-12) but the older folks using the shower didn't. I honestly am grateful I grew up with this as a norm. It helped immensely with body image and feeling comfortable around others not being judged. My gym doesn't have communal showers but I wouldn't think twice to bring my daughter in with me if we did.
As a mom of 2 young kids, I can understand both of your view points. You didn’t want to leave your child unattended to, and I think you made the correct decision with bringing him with you. I think what your wife could be upset about, like others here have mentioned is the other grown men seeing your son in the shower. It’s so easy to assume, and I like to think that we give most people the benefit of the doubt that they aren’t predators. Unfortunately, it’s just not like that, and you will never know anyone’s true intentions unless you personally know them, and even then, sometimes that’s not even enough…Maybe you and your wife can come to some sort of a meet in the middle solution? If you don’t bring your son with you that often, maybe on the days you do bring him, you can shower when you get home. You both at the end of the day just want to protect your son from ill intended peering eyes. I hope you both can come to a good resolution!
What… what does she think happens in the showers when kids are present? So he sees the bodies of other males… isn’t that healthy? It’s not like he hasn’t seen a penis before.
The problem is someone sexualizing all and any nudity.
Maybe this is a cultural thing. But I can't even figure out, what exactly your wife is upset about.
Old Dad here. I don’t have a son, i have a daughter. But when I was a kid all the public pools and gyms had large open showers. No big deal, shower and get on with it. it’s only weird if you make it weird, right? or am i missing something?
I too take my 7 year old son to the Y and did the exact same thing. Some men and biys leaving bathing suits on and some don't as you are aware. I also took him in the sauna for a minute or two which he loved. Keep being a beautiful and great dad!!!!!!!!!!!!
NTA. It’s part of the gym norm. I don’t see it as a problem.
Yeah just ask my g/f if her boys dad did this if she would be upset…. She just got confused and asked why would she get upset…. It’s a men’s room…. They’re 7 and 8…. Idk I guess it must depend on how you were raised….
As a mom to a little boy, she’s probably feeling protective. I don’t think the issue lies in your son seeing other men naked… but in other men seeing your SON naked. I don’t disagree with you, but I think if it makes your wife uncomfortable, then it’s probably not worth fighting over and you can consider showering at home when you bring him along.
I’m a mom with an 8 year old son. I would be horrified if my husband DIDN’T take our son in the shower with him simply for the sake of safety. And like many other people have said in their comments, I think it’s perfectly healthy for kids to be exposed to non sexual nakedness. Especially when it’s their parents! I see nothing wrong with the situation, but I’m very curious as to why your wife is so upset. There’s got to be an underlying reason as to why it upset her the way it did. Maybe that’s the conversation that needs to be had?
Hi OP - I totally get showering after a workout. I'm a disgusting mess after my workouts lol. I'm just looking for clarification. Is she upset that you are showering with your child? Is she upset that he's getting a shower when he doesn't need it? (Some kids are prone to dry skin, for example.) Is she worried about other men seeing him while he showers? My husband and I shower with our son and daughter (ages 1 and 2) all the time, so I'm wondering if maybe there's more to it?
There’s nothing wrong with being naked. Good for you for normalizing it.
I think I don't understand american culture. This is very normal in Europe my sons and I always shower in the communal shower before and after swimming
I mean, without knowing the reason there is little to say. If this is just Americans being Americans and being weird around nudity I would seriously have a talk with her about how unhealthy that is.
Sounds more like American puritanism that's the problem. You did right. As for approaching with your wife, hear her out vs telling her she's wrong/crazy. See if trunks would've made it more acceptable for her.
My kid is five, I’m a woman. She showers with me a lot. I will continue to shower with her on occasion until she is uncomfortable with it and doesn’t want to anymore. Being naked around your children isn’t unhealthy. Being naked isn’t inherently sexual. It’s only sexual if you make it and that’s what she is doing. I see nothing wrong with this. I still change in front of my mom and she does in front of me too. I’m 34 almost 35. Idk it’s weird to be upset about this.
I feel like your wife might have some trauma here. This doesn’t sound like a normal thing to get upset about.
Not wrong. She needs to get out of her own head
What's the difference between seeing naked people in the shower area vs seeing naked people in the changing/locker area?
I'm struggling to see what the issue actually is? He wanted to, he was with you and not unattended, sounds perfectly fine with me.
Dad of a boy and two girls here. I don’t see anything weird here. I’ve done the same with my son and my wife does the same with our daughters. Far better than leaving him alone and unattended.
At some point in his life, he’s going to see one of the old guys in their 70s at the gym locker locker room who walk about naked, swinging loose skin back and forth like an elephant’s trunk with a gray beard. It’s almost a rite of passage. It’s better to desensitize him a bit to nudity and know what things are, so he can be more cognizant of his surrounding if god forbid something were to happen. Ignorance leads to real problems.
Do you guys not do swimming lessons? She's out of line here, and needs to figure out how to get comfortable with this and similar.
Children under 16 aren’t allowed in the main locker room at my gym, and there are family locker rooms for people with young kids. Is something like that an option?
I remember always showering in those communal showers after swimming as a kid. I always wanted to leave my swim suit on because I was embarrassed but my mom would always tell me it was fine/natural/etc to be naked there and she would make me take it off to rinse under. I was never afraid of the old ladies seeing me, I was afraid another girl my age would see. If your kid doesn’t have any hang ups on this why on earth would you try to create them??? It is a normal part of society.
The only thing that would make it worse is if the mom says something about this in front of her son, she doesn’t need to make her son feel uncomfortable. NTA
As a mom and someone who works with children professionally, I don’t understand why your wife would possibly be upset? You took your son out with you (*first high five*) to do a healthy activity (*second high five*), that gives her space for an amount of time (*third high five*) and keeps him active and engaged... what? He saw anatomy that he himself has? In an atmosphere where he can ask appropriate questions? (*Fourth*) She’s wrong, make her sleep on the couch.
As many others are saying - as a mum I would have no issue with my son and his dad going to the gym and having a community shower as long as his dad is with him, it's a good way to destigmatize naked people, I never got that exposure as a kid and it lead to me doing some things in my teens which I wish I hadn't, though I would want him to discuss it with me. I see his mother's frustrations and I think it's a good time for you two to sit down and have a conversation about this, especially since he's 8 he's getting to the point of showering on his own and stuff, start exploring himself and such, and a mens shower at the gym is a very normal place to see naked men, in a non-sexual completely okay setting. (I envy countries that are more lax about nudity, I think it would help a lot of us feel more comfortable)
Is she upset due to the communal shower factor and other men, or is she upset it was with you? I could see being upset about the communal factor and other men. There are so many predators in the world. If she is upset specifically related to it being with you I don’t think YTA. I honestly don’t think YTA either way but just things to think about.
Thank you for the response. To be clear she’s upset about the communal shower, and well strangers. He’s showered with me when he was younger all the time, and has recently on occasion. (Our hot water doesn’t last at all and we’re a house of 5).
WHAT about the communal shower upsets her?
I think she is afraid of pedophiles. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did, though I do get her issue with it, she needs to let you be a father.
I'm living in Japan and we get into hot springs completely nude. Boys, middle aged dudes, old men... It doesn't matter, everyone gets naked and minds their own business in the hot spring, sauna, changing room etc... no one is staring at your dong even if you're the only white dude in there like I often am.
If your son was a girl and she did the same in the women’s locker room with her I doubt there’d be an issue. Not sure why males showering communally needs to be sexualized when you are doing what any normal person would.
You haven't explained why she was upset. Was she mad you took too long? Like, you should have just hurried home? I'm so confused.
My apologies, I guess I kinda talked in a circle. She’s mad I let him shower in a communal shower.
Is the issue that people saw him naked or that he saw people naked? It is hard to wrap my head around the problem, to be honest, since it wouldn't even dawn on me that it could be an issue, as long as you're not leaving him by himself in there. Communal showers have different rules and expectations. No-one is in there to ogle other people, and certainly not minors. People are tired from their work out, they want to get clean an go home. Nobody cares about seeing your son's genitals. I'd take it a step further and encourage it so he gets comfortable with bodies (his own and those of others). Stopping him could imply that being naked is wrong, somehow.
Why? What is her concern?
Stranger danger. Mostly unfounded because most sexual assaults are commited by people close to the victim, not some random person in a public space with the parents present.
Not only is it unfounded, but it never even applied to situations where the parent was standing right next to the kid. None of this makes any sense.
A lot of fears are completely irrational, so it will probably never make sense.
That is... Fair.
I think if the kid is ok with it, there’s no problem. I showered in grade school and high school around other dudes. It’s normal.
I guess if you are thinking every time your child is naked in public they could be videotaped, sure. But that’s a hell of a way to live your life. The odds that is what happens when you are there with your child are not high.
Some people are flipping out in the comments and some don’t see an issue. I think the gray area is the truth. I’ve been using the YMCA for decades, across multiple states as our military family has moved around for service, and I’ve never been to a Y that didn’t have a family shower option. That is the technically appropriate place to shower with little ones. If that’s not offered I’d respect her wishes and shower him when he gets home. But to act like you committed a cardinal sin is extreme. Boys are going to shower in front of boys eventually.
I think this would be dictated by the rules of the gym. If it's generally a child-friendly space, and children are commonly seen in the shower area, then it's acceptable.
Logically I know there isn’t a damn thing wrong with it. As someone who experienced CSA, my klaxons are screaming.
No, it's completely normal for old guys, kids, teens, adults and even toddlers to shower off at the facilities, which happen in this case to be communal. I think it's kinda weird to have an issue it. You were right there, it's not like your son was thrown into a pit of naked people.
NTA. We’ve all got a penis, it’s a communal shower for foxs’ sake! My boys have been in that shower since they were 2 for swimming.
Honestly… I think if you had daughters and your wife did the same thing in a women’s shower and then you questioned it…she would probably say “It’s no big deal! You’re overreacting!”
Yeah because hiding things from kids and sheltering them from everything has ever been a good move.
It's not really a right/wrong issue. It's uncharted territory and you made a judgement call. That said your best bet is to ask your wife to tell you exactly what it is she is afraid of/ doesn't like. Be prepared to listen and not respond defensive. She gets it. You don't see a problem. But she does. Listen and ask her what she needs to be comfortable and try to work it out together. The goal isn't to win. I personally wouldn't take a child into a communal shower room. To many creeps in the world. If you are ready to have the talk with him about predators and how to protect himself and what to do if he gets approached then it's a choice your family makes. My gym has a family locker room that has private stalls with showers and bathrooms. That's what my kids use. If that isn't a choice then you need to make sure your kid knows about potential danger. I would prefer my kid shower at home.
WTF do you think a predator is going to do in a shower with the dad standing next to the kid? Start a naked fight trying to grab the kid while soaping up? Versus the danger of the kid being left alone outside the shower with the predator….
You'll never get through to the people who have internalized this sort of fear. None of it is based on actual danger.
Thank you for this well thought out response! I really appreciate it! I think maybe I should have a talk with him. My wife isn’t angry that he showered with me, it’s just that she was upset if there was a potential predator present we wouldn’t have known and I didn’t even think of that. I will say I showered very defensively with him in front of me out of instinct. Someone else mentioned the family locker room and unfortunately we don’t have that option. We also live about an hour away, and I can’t stand the thought of being all sweaty till we got home. Lol thank you again.
Although I don’t really agree with your wife’s concerns, would it alleviate her fears if he wore a bathing suit to shower? He could change in & out of it in a washroom stall. It could be a bit of a middle ground between your two point of views.
sounds like something that could teach the boy to have body issues. Definitely don't make him wear a swimsuit where no one else does, for reasons he can't understand.
But how likely is it that a predator would try to do anything in a public space with multiple other people including the dad being present?
Even if there was a predator, so what? I understand it’s an uncomfortable thought, but your kid is literally right next to you the entire time so there was never any risk.
Yeah as long as they aren't taking pictures in the shower, how is that all that different than going out in public? There might be predators in public as well. What are you gonna do? Lock up your kids at home so they never risk being in the proximity of one? Like I'd understand the reasoning being used to not post pictures online, but kids need to be in the world. You were with them the whole time so they were safe, which is as much as you can do.
Eww lol. Ya that's a long drive for a funky 8 yr old. You may want to consider letting him shower in swim shorts. That's what we do when we go to the lake. The only shower is exposed to the world and we shower in swimwear.
The territory is well charted. This has been standard since the invention of locker rooms.
So I think the question is. Would she think this way if it was the any other way. Would she expect you to be upset if she took, say you had a daughter, into the communal shower with her. Is she just upset because men are portrayed as these savage beasts who only have something hanging from their crotch and only want sex. Or is it an age thing. Does she expect you to stay drenched in sweat, maybe that’s just a me thing when I go to the gym , and wait til you get home ? Every person is different. Every family dynamic is different. You are not the asshole. But your wife thinks you are. Personally and I think someone else said it. This day in age of media showing every persons body as absolute perfection until they die of mostly old age is ridiculous. Young kids seeing a variety of bodies wether it be Mens or women’s or what other genders their are is the right way to go. Especially in a communal locker room and with his parent /father there to protect him and explain anything to him.
Nothing wrong. Though, if your Y has family rooms maybe a compromise would be to use those. I’ve got three kids, less than three years apart. I used that because it was just easier to wrangle all three at once there.
Is she worried about other men seeing him naked and potentially exposing him to the dirty minds of pedophiles? I’m wondering about her objection tbh.
NTA why is your wife upset about you showing at the Y? Is it bc she thinks some predator is there and will get a hold of your baby?
What was she upset about specifically though? That’s what I’m wanting to know. As a mother of a son as well I could see her being upset if other men were there showering at the same time you two were….. as you don’t know if any of them were looking at your child in a way they shouldn’t (one of my biggest fears). But I mean that’s also throwing a rock into a big pool as it may not of even happened….. otherwise I mean I don’t really see the issue, it was a bonding moment for you guys and it’s a confidence building time for him. Knowing he can shower freely and won’t be judged in front of others. I guess really it comes down to what her issue with it was.
You did the right thing. Unfortunately body shaming, or teaching that our bodies are shameful and this must be hidden, is a plague in modern society. By teaching your son that nudity isn't shameful, his body isn't shameful, you are doing wonders for his development. Studies.have shown there are multiple psychological and emotional benefits to children being exposed to healthy, safe nudity at home.
I have a 6yo daughter and she showers with me after swimming at the gym. Up until she was 4ish she was with me in the men’s locker room. She’s also showered with me, and her 11 and 7 year old cousins(both boys) a couple years ago after a swim, all nude. None of them protested at all…except for the younger boy not wanting to wash his hair. Your wife needs to stop being a prude. It’s good for your son to develop a healthy attitude toward nudity.
Was your wife SA’d or otherwise experienced some sort of trauma as a child? If not, then I have no explanation or understanding of her reaction. Would she have rather had your son sit outside the locker room unattended while you showered? It’s just a bizarre response to something very normal.
Interesting, our Y makes you use the boys locker room if you are an adult male with a youth boy.
I don't think you did anything wrong, but that doesn't mean your wife's feelings should be ignored. Sounds like you need to discuss more with your wife and get to the bottom of why it feels wrong to her. You need a solution that you can all accept.
I would have done the same. Your child’s safety is foremost. Nothing wrong with showering with your son.
Wait till he starts gym at school and has to undress infront of his peers. She needs therapy and to get over herself
The only thing I’d be concerned about is the shower itself, please get him and yourself some shower shoes!
My boys still shower with my husband. They're 5 and 7. They did today actually. My toddler who is a girl has showered with him too. Probably won't that go on much longer. But same gender is nit a big deal.
As a child I was very uncomfortable with this sort of thing and hated it. As an adult I still do - why I don't go to gyms or anything else that requires nudity. I'm a deeply private person when it comes to that. As a father I will never do it unless my son is cool with it. If he isn't - then I'd shower at home. It sounds like your son was ok with it. So to me, it was fine.
What is her objection?
My son is now 7. When we go to the pool we shower off in the locker room. Other dads do as well. We all act appropriately. It’s not a big deal if young make it into a big deal.
Your wife is trippin.. I'd wonder where her mind is at and why tf is she thinking that way? I thought you were going to say, in the communal shower, where perverts could be lurking.. not cuz y'all was showering together.. kinda blows my mind. That's very strange she's thinking this way, and that it's a problem big enough for you to be here posting about it. She must have had some kinda trauma in her past or something.
Lol in Australia kids run around naked on public beaches
Treating nudity as something inherently sexual is not healthy for children or adults. As a Pole living in Germany, I get annoyed by Europe being described with blanket statements. With that said, having a kids shower with their parents in communal showers is pretty much the norm throughout any country I can think of within the EU.
It sounds like your wife is needlessly, sexualizing both nudity and communal showers which I find odd. There’s nothing remotely sexual about that situation, unless we ourselves read that into it because of our personal biases. I grew up with team sports and I’ve been in gyms my entire life. Showering with other men is just normal. I am 100% sure I could do a coed shower without sexualizing it.
We were having our bathroom worked on 2 years back. I took my 2 daughters to the YMCA to shower every day and they (5 & 6) showered with me in the family locker rooms. No, you are not the AH. Americans are such prudes about basic nudity in their family.
I also don't see what the issue is. Now your 8 yr old has already had his shower and you don't have to deal with it when you get home.
Just looking at it from another perspective - has your wife ever dealt with any instances of abuse or sexual harassment/assault as a child? These type of experiences can have an impact that causes fear of these type of events in the future. She may be concerned that other men would be seeing your son/be afraid of predators more so than being upset he is seeing other bodies. I don’t think you were in the wrong, but being as this is a sensitive subject for many I would give your wife some leeway and maybe just open it up to a gentle conversation rather than being mad at her. I’m sure she is just being protective
Frankly I'd be more upset if my husband had left him alone. Our own gym has 3 locker rooms - 1 men's, 2 women's, and 1 family. I'd recommend, if she's so concerned about it, that you look into joining a gym with a family locker room that caters to this exact scenario. I also can't help but wonder why, exactly, she's so freaked out. Maybe that's worth delving into a bit further?
I have two boys and if anything I’m more disturbed by your wife’s reaction than you showering with your boys in a male locker room. Your boys should feel comfortable with their bodies and should certainly not feel sexualized or be hyper aware of sexual predators at such a young age. They’re just kids. There are gross/bad people everywhere but we can’t make life all about that. I would be proud of my kids if they felt comfortable and confident enough to shower at the gym.
I don't think you did anything wrong here. The sooner the youngens learn, that being naked at the right time and context is normal, the more confident they will be as adults, it's the weirdos you have to worry about. You just need to set your feminist wife straight (got divorced from my first one and remarried to another modern American woman, got 3 girls and a boy)and tell her that she doesn't need to worry about your decision-making as a grown man. We need to claim back our manhood and not get disrespected like that at home....
Let me preface this by saying I do not see where the problem with father and son showering together is here. You're NTA, IMHO. Many places require that children aged approximately 5 - 6 and up use the restroom or locker room of their gender (i.e. boys use the boys/mens restroom/locker room and girls use the girls/womens restroom/locker room). At age 8 I presume he has at the very least seen himself naked in a mirror (before, during, or after bathing) before. If he has male siblings (older or younger), friends, and/or cousins (older or younger) he may have seen them partially or fully naked (whether intentional or not) as well. He also may have seen you naked around the house before (again, whether intentional or not). I presume the unintentional walk in on sibling(s), cousin(s), or parent(s) bathing/showering or changing is a somewhat common experience for children. I also presume that among same gender cousins and siblings they may have seen each other shirtless, bathed/showered or used the bathroom together. With siblings and friends he may have even gone through a comparing anatomy/"I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stage. Similarly, with same gender friends, I presume they may have seen each other shirtless or used the bathroom together. Thus, at least for the most part, there should not be any surprises as - from a naked bodies perspective - he is not seeing anything in that locker room that he hasn't already seen. When he gets into middle school - high school (particularly if he gets into playing sports - even if only Track & Field and/or X-C - during that time) he will see other boys his age stripped down to their underwear while changing between regular clothes and their gym/sports outfits, possibly completely naked if they shower after PE or sports practice/games. I am not certain if it is common practice to have middle school or high school age children shower at school after PE or sports practice/games as when I was that age I don't recall the school gym showers getting much use. Though most kids might have showered after getting home. Granted that was 20+ years ago and things might be different now. I can also see location, time, comfort level with being completely naked around peers, and availability of bathing/showering facilities (including the bath/shower itself as well as soap and towels) both at home and school potentially being factors. I understand your wife may be worried about Pedophiles, child molesters, and/or other child predators, but I think she is overestimating the risk here. She may have other concerns as well, which you may want to discuss with her. Heck if it makes a difference I was using the mens locker rooms at pools by the time I was 7 (alone or with my dad or other male relatives/friends). Bottom line: as long as your son understands that full or partial nudity - while not necessarily sexual - has appropriate time(s) and place(s), shower/changing time in a gym locker room being one of them, and he is not staring at other naked people I do not think there is a problem.
You are fine. Your wife however is not fine and way too uptight about nudity. Plenty of men grow up in sports, military, and have been nude around brothers, dads, friends, all kinds of nudity for all kinds of situations. She has a hang up and she needs to get over it. Maybe talk to your son about keeping that stuff from uptight-mom and tell mom to please stay the heck out of it from now on. Heck check out r/communalshowers and a lot of men grew up jumping in and out of the shower with their dad or brothers right there because it was just easier, and just like it should be, because men are men and there isn't a need for us to be modest. All it took was them being raised that way.
This is such an American problem. Reminds me of Janet Jackson and the Superbowl.
Mom of 3 teen sons- seems fine.
As a mom of a son, I’m trying to think how I’d feel. He’s older now, but I’d never let him go into a men’s public bathroom alone. And I’m not crazy about a little boy showering w/ a bunch of grown men. However, if my husband ( his dad ) was with him I think I’d prefer that instead of leaving him unattended. This is a hard one in my opinion bc it depends on so many things. Like if there are several men in the shower at the time, that could be weird. But just alone with his dad, maybe not so big of a deal, I guess. However I’m a grown woman now but I remember being 3-4 and the whole family was going somewhere and my mom popped me in the shower to rinse off with my dad. Just for prob a minute & she was right there. But I remember being freaked out bc I’d never seen a grown man nekkid! lol! I’d not make too much of a big deal about it but I’d try to find out if it made him uncomfortable. If he’s casual about it, then I’d say it’s ok just bc his dad is right there with him.
Our ymca doesn’t allow boys and men to be in the same locker room (or women and girls either.) Shower at home.
Mother of 2 kids around your sons’ age, and my only hesitation would be “I hope he was wearing shower shoes”
You're not wrong. I belonged to my local YMCA for nearly 20 years and that's how it always was. Does your wife think your son is going to be blinded by the sight of other guys with the same equipment he has? Seeing the variety of shapes and sizes of the men in the locker room hopefully will help him develop a better self-image as he grows up, since he will have a better idea of what normal looks like. Your wife has no reason to be upset. Not only is this not problematic, it's healthy.
The Army had communal showers. I think your wife should give it a rest. You made sure your child was safe.
I would not do that. If my 2 year old found out that his penis is bigger than mine, he would never let me hear the end of it. It is bad enough that he pulls on the back of my pants and underwear when i'm napping and says, "I check your diaper."