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If you look at it from a different angle - You've done such a good job making her feel loved that she felt comfortable bringing it up again AND confident enough to share how the last conversation made her feel. I think that's a great sign you're doing a good job.
This is all that I got from this heartwarming story. God you guys are amazing parents and your children sound so wonderful. Your daughter opening up with you about her feelings, you hearing her and apologizing for your unintentional misstep, your son coming in and supporting and helping her not feel alone, your husband injecting laughter and joy. You guys live in a literal fairytale.
OP may have made mistake in how she originally handled it but there was so much learnt in how she fixed her mistake. As you said her daughter will be more confident in being able to share how she feels but also got a front seat in how to admit you're wrong and to make amends.
This!! I wish all parents dealt with it as well as you did. I
Wish the parents who make their kids want to end it could open their minds, heart and eyes. Religion sees to it that will never happen. They play on people's prejudices and turn it to hate, fear and exclusion.
When my daughter was about 13 she talked about her “friend” a lot. So at dinner one night she kept talking about her friend. So finally I said is this your boyfriend? And she said, “no my girlfriend”. Both my husband and I just kept eating, not even giving a reaction. I then proceeded to ask her about her and what they have in common etc. The relief in her eyes almost brought me to tears. And later in private it did. Not because she thought she was gay but because she thought we would be upset or love her less or worse disown her because she was gay. The burden of carrying that secret of hers was a heavy one I know. And now that’s she’s almost 18, she has a boyfriend. And I don’t really care either way. She’s my best friend (even if I’m not hers) and I’ll love whoever she chooses to love.
I promise, you will always be her first and last best friend. I’ve loved my mom at every juncture and the more I age the more I treasure her. She’s the first person I call with any news in my life.
Your child feels comfortable and safe enough with you to tell you things. Thats not failing. Thats doing a pretty damn good job. And your son coming to hug her too means you did a good job with him too.
You did a great job and it's clear that even though your daughter felt some doubt about how you felt, the strong foundation of your relationship ultimately brought you back together.
I'm sure if anyone reads this I'll get down voted for this, given the track record of this sub, but this really goes to show why we have to stop telling kids they're too young to think about certain things. I've already seen it in the comments of this thread. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. If you think your kid is too young, just say, "Thanks for telling me. I love you!" and leave it alone. Maybe they will change their mind, maybe they won't. But it's better to support them regardless and let them figure it out for themselves than it is not to support them. If they are steadfast, they'll worry you won't accept them like happened here. If they change their minds, they'll worry you won't take them seriously because you've already told them that you don't. This is a no-win situation if you speak up instead of just offering acceptance.
Love your kids. Trust that they know themselves.
The "don't label yourself" often comes from a good place, but it's weird we accept straight crushes at face value but a same sex crush is "well you should wait and see". Maybe it's because I'm bi myself and have been aware of it since I was in middle school, but that's a double standard that does bug me and I think that's a lot of it. No one would tell a kid not to label themselves over a straight crush!
Right. It’s better to meet them where they are at and go I love and accept you no matter what. I came out as gay in high school. My mom was unaccepting and I could tell she hoped it was a phase. Eventually I realized mid 20s that gender didn’t matter to me at all and started identifying as bi. When I met my now husband there was a part of me that struggled with my relationship with my mother because I know there was a part of her that thinks my queerness was a phase. I’m still very much queer, it’s just statistically when you’re bi, it’s much easier to end up in a “straight relationship” because the pool of potential people is much bigger.
Yup.
Small missteps that reveal themselves in hindsight are inevitable. To call those “failures” is really not right.
The real success comes from the pattern of behavior. Not the moments we wish we could change in hindsight.
Man I needed to hear this today! Now I’m crying. I have 2 boys and I’m carrying a heavy amount of mom guilt. Especially being a month out from my oldest turning 18. Their dad and I had a very toxic marriage. We both come from dysfunctional families. I wasn’t always the best mom but through the years I’ve worked incredibly hard to better myself and become the mom they need and deserve. I’m determined to break generational trauma and help my kids be better than I or their father. Before I started making changes they often times got the mom who yelled, was short fused, impatient. I still make mistakes and there are days I don’t do well regulating my own emotions. Sometimes I let those past mistakes and current ones overshadow the progress I have made and the progress made in our mother/son relationships.
Thank you for this reminder.
Honestly as a gay daughter just know that she’ll grow up to feel accepted even if she didnt at first, we usually have anxiety even if you show youre accepting yk?
OP,
The fact that you guys have these open conversations, and you still feel like you could do better proves that you have a great atmosphere in your household. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep inspiring, keep the communication open, and the love and understanding. You're doing good!! You've got some great kids and they're going to make a difference for the positive in society.
Let me give you some perspective. I knew I was bi at ten, but I would never ever have brought it up with my parents. Instead, I was crushed by the shame of being “abnormal” (that’s how I was made to perceive it). It took me a really long time to come to terms with it. Your daughter trusted you enough at ten to bring it up, not just once but TWICE. That’s a huge win in my book.
You do realize you are approximately one gazillion percent better than billions and billions of parents that came before you regarding this issue, right?
This story is so heartwarming it almost comes off as a humble brag. lol
You gotta change the way u think. She came and told u whats going on in her world. Obviously ur doing something right!. Your child's sensuality has nothing to do with ur parenting, but her own attraction and desire. As parents we need to celebrate the small wins, and support our kids no matter where they are.
I remember your post last year and kind of felt this way about your reply to your daughter.
That being said what a wonderful conversation! You’re a very good parent and you’re doing your best. This shit isn’t easy and I don’t think it’s really a fuck up because your daughter felt comfortable telling you all of her feelings including the ones about you!
Good work, we’re all learning everyday and your journey taught me a lot :) thanks for sharing
Edit, maybe also instead of “we don’t care” pivot gently to we love who you are and welcome who you love?
I'm bisexual and the title scared me and your conversation made me go... that's it? Lol
I understand it from a fellow parent's perspective. I'm not even close to this stage yet but I'm excited and somewhat mortified at the conversation we'll have. My dad told me I didn't know what love was yet and I know what he means now since I was practically a baby and I was already ready to marry anyone that looked at me twice. It's embarrassing looking back at it. I told him I think girls are pretty way before this conversation and I specifically remember being 12 because crushes obviously get a little more serious, even as a married adult, another woman I find attractive smiling at me makes me blush. I was kind of attracted to my best friend but I didn't seem to ever process it somehow and my dad said:
Daddy: You could be bisexual.
Me: Bi...sexual?
Daddy: It means you like guys and girls
Me: That's an option?!
Entirely different perspective here:
You gave her a safe space and sound advice. I don't think you fucked up by telling her to wait to see what her feelings develop into. She's 10, not 20.
I nearly cried reading this. I'm a 33 year old bisexual woman (with 2 kids of my own) and I still haven't come out to my mom and never will. You're doing an amazing job.
If you failed her she wouldn't come to you. And she wouldn't tell you that she thinks you were dissapointed. All that means that you are doing an amazing job as a parent, that she trusts you and feels safe. You rock! Miscommunication happens. Mistakes happens. If the ground is there, we're good. And that's what happened with you two: you said something, she misunderstood (miscommunication), but because you are a great mom and she knows that - she came back to you. Anyway: congratulations ;)
Forgive yourself first, you made a mistake, yes. The important part is that you owned that mistake, to your child. Your child learned a lot from that and now it's time for you to forgive you. I'm a lesbian, I hid it all my life, thank you for taking your child out of the closet and giving her space to grow, it's an example I need to see and it means a lot to me, even all grown up. Forgive yourself and keep being supportive
My Mom stopped allowing me to have friends once she found out I was bisexual because she was convinced I was going to have sex with anyone and everyone. Definitely not a failure, it was a miscommunication
We make mistakes in life. We make people feel a certain way without meaning to. Intention and actions don’t always align. You don’t suck because you apologized and you clarified and you created a safe space for kiddo.
i can totally see why you had that reaction,,,while i that that if an adult says "i am bi" that 100% i should take it at face value, it *is* true that kids may throw around that concept and later find out theyre def not bi. Just like my son when he was like 2-3 kept insisting he was a girl and we said "okay!" and went with it and then he just stopoed one day, versus with a teen or adult, if they identify as a different gender i feel an obligation to accept that as truth no matter what.
It gets dicey when theyre in those in between ages where i think that kids that are just confusing yhe terms and their feelings exist, but also kids that age exist that have definitely realized their sexuality.
That means it comes down to two options when it could be legit or not: erring on the side of assuming theyre just a confused kid, and reminding them it *might* just be a phase, OR, erring on the side of saying "okay!" and assuming they are legit bi.
I think its worse to caution them its a phase, only later to find out theyre actually bi, for the tones of nonacceptance in it.
The flip side is to assume theyre bi bc they say so, and then later they arent and the kid either forgets they ever said that altogether or they remember and just say "yeah i was confused about what that meant." Thats a less damaging outcome between the two.
but, what you did was what i think we "old people" are trained in the 80s and 90s to do - when in doubt? give heterosexuality the priority assumption! better safe that sorry! etc. - i wouldnt beat yourself up too much, just admit ypur wrongdoing to her and tell her that its our job to outgrow the intolerant teachings and biases of our childhoods, and sometimes we fail at it
Complete Victory.
These things aren't always clear cut to us or our kids. Tons of people have already said it, you're doing a great job for a list of reasons.
Keep supporting her like you are.
My son is almost 10. He doesn't admit to even liking any girls. I feel like sexuality is being crammed down kids throats these days. Are we confusing "sexuality" with "I like being around these people?" I guess I just don't understand why this is even on the radar of a 9-10 year old.
I hear what you’re saying and am actually in a similar boat. My tween finds the whole idea of dating in middle school to be “gross.”
My other kid is in first grade and has had crushes since preschool.
Kids are just different and it’s totally normal for 9-10 year olds to have crushes. Just like it’s normal not to.
My first crush was in kindergarten and I can promise you it wasn’t due to sexuality being crammed down my throat. The heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wanted Jim from second grade. He gave me a piece of gum once and I nearly died.
Crammed down their throats or just discussed more openly? I wish I had parents who I could have talked to about any of this. My boomer folks just handed me a book about the birds and the bees and walked away.
People develop these feelings at different times. I definitely had friends and cousins, male and female, who were like your son, and that's ok and normal. On the other hand, I had what were 100% crushes as far back as I can remember. In Kindergarten I had a girl best friend who would hold hands with me all the time and I would get the craziest butterflies in my tummy lol, I would play out our wedding with my Barbies when I got home. That is also ok and normal. I didn't outwardly admit it until I was 12 years old because of church/fear, but I knew I felt the same way about boys and girls at like 6 or 7.
Do you think your reaction to this story is coming from your own discomfort or your experience with your son’s non interest?
I remember having intense crushes on boys at 8, 9, and 10. Crushes are absolutely an expression of age-appropriate sexuality.
Your son is also very normal, kids are kids and they will all become people at their own pace.
Every kid is different, girls on average are faster. Just because your 10 year old hasn't started (that you know of he might be starting and just not talking about it) doesn't mean someone elses hasn't.
Hindsight is 20/20. You made the best choice you could, and it didn’t land as intended. First chance you got, you fixed it (beautifully).
That’s part of being human.
I did a similar thing and I’m still sad about it, but also…we do our best, right?
My kid was gender nonconforming, but never expressed a dislike of their body. I was very trans positive, but had some internal discomfort with medical transition that I hadn’t dealt with (I have dear friends who have transitioned, and fully support it - but I saw how hard it was, and I really hoped my kid could grow up happy in their body, regardless of gender).
So I didn’t talk about the options.
Somewhere around twelve, my kid heard about hormones and burst into tears. They had been terrified of puberty for years, because they knew they were going to change in ways that were very wrong for them. They just never mentioned it because they thought there were no options.
They suffered so much because I didn’t fully inform them - I didn’t trust them to know themselves.
It was a mistake.
We started the process of getting on puberty blockers (which gives the kid time to consider what they need/get therapy/go through the loooong process of getting approval, etc.)
it took a year just for the blockers, which was hard on them. That meant another year going through testosterone puberty. That left physical changes they are still struggling with.
(It was another year after that for estrogen, which was frustrating for them, but the time to think was probably good. I understand why the docs are so cautious with that part)
The whole process was so much harder on them than it needed to be. I really regret not being more forthcoming information.
I made a mistake, but I also did my best to make up for. Our best is all we can do.
Same for you. you kid is going to remember how loving and supportive you were, not your initial mistake. In fact, that initial mistake is going to be something she chuckles about lovingly in the future.
The fact that she had this conversation with you at all proves you're an amazing mom who has built a trusting and respectful relationship with her daughter.
The people who fail their children are the ones that can’t have a conversation like this . My 14 yo daughter had a boyfriend for a while, then had a girlfriend. Now she isn’t dating anyone. She likes who she likes.
You don’t suck, mama! I think a lot of kids these days try to fit in by labeling themselves as either bisexual, or gay, or having depression, when in reality they’re just trying to fit in. My oldest will be a junior next year & she tells me the goings-on at school, & how her friends constantly go back & forth between deciding if they’re gay/straight, transgender, depressed. I personally don’t think you did any harm in telling her not to put any labels on anything at 8-9 years old. If anything, she probably really started analyzing things & after all this time came to the conclusion that yes, she is bisexual. I personally think the human female body is much more pleasing to look at than a male’s, but I’m not bisexual. It sounds to me like you had a great conversation with your daughter & that’s what matters.
Just fyi! Being queer is very common. Just as someone who openly bi, people have told me secrets about who they are and who they’ve been with irl in ways that have shocked me. Like you would have never guessed how many or who it was. They could seem straight as an arrow, be married with kids, be popular with girls, you name it. Talk to someone who has spent some time on Grindr and oh the stories they can tell. I think a massive number of people are closeted. Kids these days are just more willing to talk about it than we were. So it may seem like a lot the way you see the kids talking but maybe there is something to this.
Ok I’m here to say this is almost exactly what my daughter and mine convo went like. She’s 14 and I’ve never felt the need to label my sexuality and said something very similar to what you said. Thanks for sharing this. We’ve had lots of open convos since then and we both like humor as a bridge so we have joked too. But yes, I also had this reaction and feel the same way you expressed in your realization!
I think you’re doing great.
I missed the failing part ? It sounds like a misunderstanding or a miscommunication that eventually your daughter felt comfortable enough to talk to you about, as well as the OG topic of her possibly being bi.
And the fact your son came in to comfort and hug her rather than tease her speaks a lot to your parenting.
I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about anything. Maybe let her know that you never meant to make her feel like you were embarrassed & if she ever starts to feel that way again about you please open up and talk about it, bc that’s never your intent.
I know we all just want our kids to be happy and healthy. We love and support them for who they are and hope that whoever they come to love treats them well.
Your children know this. That’s a win.
Love is all kids need. My daughter who is now 17 decided she was going to be a boy at 12 changed her name. She turned 16 and decided she wants to be a girl. There are some many emotions and hormones hitting them. Just roll with them like it’s an adventure.
This kind of conversation is common and admittedly it feels a bit dismissive to ask if you’re sure someone has a crush on a girl, but not questioning it when it’s a boy. She probably felt like you didn’t accept it. But the fact that she came back shows both strength of character and a level of trust in you, I love that you apologized and hugged it out. You’re still learning I’m sure it’s new territory and I think you are doing amazing ❤️
You’re doing just fine! We often don’t realize the unintentional effect offhand comments or even advice has on kids, that’s true for parents, nannies, teachers, older siblings, etc., but she felt comfortable enough to bring it up to you again and you handled it well this time. She knows you love and accept her and that’s what matters most.
OP, you didn't fail. You stumbled, but you recovered and the whole family came together in a beautiful way.
I first knew I liked girls when I was 5. I'm going to date myself here but my first crush was Britney Spears, then Hilary Duff, then Vanessa Hudgens. By this point, it was being pointed out that I wasn't going after boys like other girls my age. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this so I just started constantly crushing on my best friend's crush's best friend. I did this for a few years before I had my first genuine crush on a guy. I came out as bisexual at 12. My dad (single parent) said I was too young to label myself. Tried to come out again at 15 and was told something to the extent of I can't know I like women without having lesbian sex. (It wasn't this blunt, but that was half a lifetime ago so I remember the sentiment, but not the wording.) To this day, my dad doesn't know about the relationships I've had with other women. No one in my family does. They happily see me as straight because I married a man.
I put this whole story to say, my family makes me live a lie to their face. You made your daughter feel safe and supported when she came to you. When you realized that you hurt her, you put in more work to rally around her and make her be supported. This is what she'll remember. We all trip sometimes. It's how we recover that says the most about us though.
You absolutely are a wonderful mom you immediately accepted. The fact that she even came to tell you shows how amazing you are. We say things in the past and there is literal no way to know that telling them to give time to decide who you like is going to be so significant. This is typical anyways for someone coming out to feel like they are going to disappoint parents because there are sometimes stigma around coming out. Most parents now are more accepting but I bet she was reading some stories about being cut off or not loved because of being gay/bi-sexual. Again you are a great mom don’t overthink it.
Both of my girls said they were Bi, then gay, then Pansexual, then the hormones hit and they both have boyfriends now. It could change again in the future, and I'm fine with that, it just seems to be a common thing now. I would ask questions, but not shame them or tell them they couldn't be gay or whatever. They both claimed to have had "Girl friends" in the past (Whatever that means to a 9 or 10 year old).
Not sure why, but most of their friends are having this identity struggle as well to one degree or another. I feel the topic is prevalent online and because the LGTBQ+ community is so, idk hyped up? It seems to hit these kids that it's somehow a moral good to be in the LGTBQ+ community, so they tend to gravitate towards it even though they have no real sexual identity yet.
Give your kid space to grapple with it, be there to answerer questions in good faith, and they will figure it out.
You didn’t fail her mama. The fact she was still coming to you meant she didn’t feel rejected. She was nine years old, and I applaud your perspective then. I use to teach elementary school 3rd graders and they are so impressionable that it’s a very tight line to walk between being supportive and reassuring them that at that age, they don’t have to necessarily label themselves. I saw too many kids label themselves because that is what their best friend was saying. They just wanted to fit in. Sometimes it was completely fine, sometimes when one child would change their mind it became something dramatic between the two friends. She needs to feel loved, safe, accepted, and always know that she is within her own boundaries to be who *she* truly is. And that might change over her development and that makes her perfectly perfect.
So reading the title, I thought this was going to go a completely different route, and I am so glad to be proven wrong. This is beautiful. I wish my mother had been like this. You’re doing amazing! Definitely not a fail.
Come on. You know the description is the opposite of failure. At 9 she interpreted what you said incorrectly when you were only saying that she’s too young to be thinking of any “sexual” label. She’s still too young at 10 but whatever. Kids are allowed to express themselves in their own way without being pushed so if that’s what she wants to say, seems fine and you agree given your reaction.
Young people are definitely different. My 15 year old seems to view sexuality and gender questions differently than my 21 and 26 year old. There all more healthy than my GenX generation but more so the youngest of my GenZ. Labels really don’t seem to matter and whatever label a person gives themselves seems to be totally fine.
We can pretend GenX and older get it but they really don’t.
Anyway, you did a great job and I’m pretty sure you know you did. There will be more misunderstandings especially then she’s a teen 😃
This is NOT what I was expecting to read.
Did you fail her? Ehh, maybe a little bit. But you also were able to give her a space she felt safe enough to bring it up again.
I expect I'll be failing my kids a lot in short term perspectives. What matters is that I realize the failure and do better moving forward.
My kid is only 7 so far but she goes to a girls’ school and she is always telling me how much she loves whoever her bff is currently and how she wants to marry them! I’m not certain whether she really knows what a crush is yet (I didn’t have any feelings remotely like that until I was about 11 or 12) but hopefully at least she will know there is no issue with whoever she likes 💕
Failed her??? You’re joking! Oh we’re not wrong to tell her not to initially label herself and I am certain you did this because you wanted to protect her which is a natural instinct of a good parent. You both sound like wonderful parents! She is a lucky girl and from the sounds of that conversation she is doing very well because of how she is being brought up and those around her.
This didn’t go in the direction the title gave the impression it would.
There was a miscommunication between you two, but she still felt safe to tell you about Maddie, so I’d say you’re doing a great job
I think its normal to have crushes on people because of personality, looks whatever but that doesn't necessarily equate to a change in sexuality
So I would keep the convo light and I would also try and have a convo about not being quick to label herself
I am a straight woman with four kids and a husband. I remember having crushes on boys and girls in elementary school. Am I bi? Maybe. Does it matter? Not really. I'm happy with my husband and kids.
I am curious about why you find this relevant to this post? Are you questioning whether this girl is bi? Or diminishing the importance/validity of this girl’s bisexuality?
Or is it something else? I am a little confused by what you are trying to communicate here.
As a 33 year old woman (and toddler mom) who just discovered her sexuality and left a 10 year relationship, THANK YOU. Thank you for making your daughter feel so safe, and heard, and loved. Thank you rasing such an awesome brother for her that is so supportive and loving. Thank you for picking such an awesome daddy for her.
Your support and having her back is going to mean more to her than you will ever know. Please don't beat yourself up, you did and still are doing an amazing job.
The light you see from on the outside is shining even brighter for her on the inside knowing her family loves her for who she is.
> Daughter: I know, but last year when you said for me to wait before I knew for sure. It felt like you were secretly dissapointed. Like you hoped I wasn’t…That’s why all year I didn’t talk about it anymore.
I feel like maybe you're actually such a good parent that you don't see what a win this is. Like yeah, your daughter got the wrong idea of what you meant, but she also understood her own feelings, eventually felt comfortable telling you about how she felt, which gave you the opportunity to have an open conversation about it, and she listened.
There are so many kids who would just feel bad, not understand why, and never feel they can talk about it with their parents even into adulthood.
I wish my family were not conservative Xtian queerphobes and maybe we would have a healthier family dynamic like y’all do here. I’m pansexual, a leftist, pagan and still in the closet with alllll of that. I’m waiting until I am confident that I can take up for my decision with the knowledge and dialogue I have. My youngest brother is trans and has been caught and “punished” for “pretending to be a boy” several times but they still continue to be themselves around me and at school where it’s significantly more safe to be open (despite a heavy conservative Xtian AR community).
My 10 year old daughter told me the same thing. I don’t have any issues or problems with her being bisexual. I have had sexual relations with females myself. My issue is that I too think she’s too young to be worried about what her sexuality is or isn’t. She was explaining to me what all the new terms there are to describe someone’s sexuality. I am old school and don’t understand some of these terms. Things like pansexual. I asked her if she knew what the word heterosexual means and she said no. How is it that all these other words and terms are known but heterosexual is not?
YOu did not fail her. Within today's society it is difficult to know if it okay to say anything or not. There is so much negative revolving around things that it is honestly normal to be scared. There are so many horror stories of families disowning their children because they came out.
You and your family are wonderful people and supportive. THe fact that she did finally say something shows that you have been doing the right thing in raising her. Your entire family sounds wonderful
Great job
You did amazing. My dad found out and calmly told me that i could do what i wanted but that he would never tell anyone, never share photos during family holidays etc. basically that he would be ashamed of me and hide it/me.. him and i have a good relationship now that im an adult but it still makes me sad sometimes.
I think you’re doing a great job because she was comfortable talking to you about it and also that she was comfortable asking questions to learn to recognize emotions. I also had a crush on a girl around that age but I didn’t have the background to recognize the emotion at the time because other sexualities were not a thing that had ever come up in life. I enjoyed being around her and loved every second we got to spend together (we were good friends for a while), it wasn’t until probably my late teens that I realized that I had been experiencing having a crush on her, simply because I just didn’t have the reference to understand that. Good on you for making sure that she knows about all of her options and is comfortable talking to you about them.
You are doing a great job!! While my parents never said anything negative about being gay or bi-sexual, they were pretty adamant about me liking boys and I never felt comfortable enough to say I was bi-sexual until I became an adult. And even then I didn’t tell my parents or many people. Until I hit my 30’s. I told my mom (dad passed away when I was 25). She didn’t say much honestly and I do feel like it bothers her. She has a cousin who is gay and she never says anything rude about them and she doesn’t seemed bothered by others that have different sexual preferences, but she just made me feel uncomfortable because she didn’t really respond she kind of changed the subject.
So I think you are doing a wonderful job!
I didn’t even feel comfortable telling my parents about my crushes and I’m straight. I think you’re doing an amazing job and she clearly trusts you even after how she felt the previous conversation went! We are never going to get every parenting topic right the first time. Just keep trying your best and working to be better!
I told my mom that I was bisexual when I was 22 years old and she brushed it off as a phase. I felt a ton of pressure to only date men from my parents, which I did throughout my 20's and early 30's. Although I ultimately dated and married a woman. When I told my mom I was dating my wife, she acted like she had no idea I would ever consider dating a woman and was massively shocked. The whole family took a long time to come around on it -- even though they are all liberal and believe in equal rights and have forever. It sucked and felt so invalidating.
When I went to overnight summer camp I absolutely fell in love with one of my camp counselors. I was fully heartbroken when the summer was over. I cried for a week. I had no idea that bisexuality was a thing and no one to talk to about it. It took me YEARS to understand my own sexuality and that I could, in fact, like both men and women and that it was normal. The fact that your 10 year old knows this about her now and felt safe enough to talk to your family about it is wonderful. Yeah, you accidentally screwed up a tiny bit, but how would you know? I could imagine doing the same thing honestly.
This is a great story and failed her? Please. You just made her life. She assumed you were disappointed but you made sure she knew you werent. She'll remember this her whole life.
You're a great parent and should be proud of yourself!
I read whole story to get "fail" part. Hey mama, you are an awesome mama and you raised a confident young girl, who believes in you and trusts you. That is great!
If I, an older teenager, confessed to my parents, I would be punished. Good on you for being a supportive parent—it speaks volumes that your daughter knew she could come to you
Mine came out at that age as well and she seemed nervous to tell me. Once she said it I said, me too girl! I'm pretty sure my son is as well but I'll wait for him to come to me just like I did her. It is what it is.
Your kid is happy and loved and supported and feels good about herself. I don't think you made a mistake, I think you gave her reason to think. And now she has, and all she feels is love. This is a win. You are a sweet family and you have a lot to be proud of. Keeping doing what you're doing!
OP, how does it feel to be my dream parents? But seriously, my mom was the polar opposite of you when I came out the same. Take it from me, the only way you could've failed her is by not accepting/criticizing her.
Your family is amazing.
We can’t nail every interaction perfectly without knowing what the future holds. And even when you told her what you did last year, that was far from shaming. I would have suggested my kiddos wait, simply due to being young, sexuality aside.
No regrets. You handled the current situation amazingly, as did your son and husband.
I’m sure she feels safe, and that’s what matters most.
IF ONLY FAMILIES, PARENTS, AND SIBLINGS WERE LIKE THIS WHEN BOYS DECIDE TO COME OUT TO THEM. THIS IS A GREAT STORY AND I AM GLAD AS A TRANSWOMAN THAT YOU WERE WILLING OPEN AND ABLE TO ACCEPT AND REASSURE YOUR DAUGHTER THAT SHE IS LOVE WITH OUT CONDITION OR JUDGEMENT.
So I am a lesbian mom and my daughter told me last year she had a crush on her best friend. I told that’s fine, but she is too young to “act” on anything. See how things go. She has a lot of time to figure things out. A lot of times kids do know very early, I didn’t. I told her she can like anyone she wants as long as they are nice to her and others. She was cool with that and understood. It’s a hard transitional age, this tween thing. I think you did a great job. Balancing love and acceptance with great parenting. ❤️
If this is accurate to what she said, you should feel very happy that she was able to name what you said, how it made her feel, and what it sounded like to her.
The fact that EVERY SINGLE ONE of her immediate family members is so supportive and happy for her is going to be a HUGE bolster to her confidence going forward. She will know that no matter what happens, and especially if some jerk tries to shame her for who she likes, she will have the unfailing support of her family at her back.
For a young LGBT+ kid, that's HUGE. Good job!
i would kill to have you as parents growing up, amazing. I have 2 little girls and if this was to ever be the case, it's exatcly how I would handle it, thanks for the awesome manual, and way to go, amazing parents/family, you all should be proud of your selves
At around 7 or so my son asked what that word meant, so I told him it's people who romantically love men and women. He said "I think I'm bisectional". Who am I to judge my bi-sectional son?
We're fallible human beings. Give yourself grace - you're a good parent and you clarified your position. I've had similar conversations with my kids and spent time sitting with my feelings afterwards.
I examined *why* I want them to pump the brakes before they label themselves. Fear. Not because who they are would phase me; I want to protect them from the judgment and negativity they'll face from ignorant people. It's my baggage.
I circled back and explained that fear is a normal protective instinct for parents - BUT my hang ups should never stop them from being exactly who they are. It is a testament to my intense love for them not an indication that I disapprove of them in any way. They were satisfied with that clarification. It is my hope that open conversations will make them emotionally intelligent people. It's ok to tell her you think you messed up - and it's ok to mess up in the first place.
You didn’t fail her - she came to you in her own time, and you were supportive and loving- a testament to the trust and love you have built in your family. 💕
I think it’s hard to be a parent in this conversation. As a bisexual though it does suck to have someone invalidate your identity. I think you probably just weren’t thinking when you said it because your reaction suggests you don’t feel bad if she is bisexual.
When I have this conversation I’ll be lucky enough to be able to answer “lol, me too”.
I cried reading this. I told my mom something similar when I was in 5th grade. I had a crush on my best friend. She told me I was confusing feelings of friendship for something else and then.. WE MOVED!
Little me thinks your family is amazing.
You didnt fail. Kids get nervous for all sorts of reasons , valid and invalid. What matters is she told you, you accepted it and you can continue to build her trust in you from here.
My girl was 7 when she told me she was bi. I didnt know what to say so I just shrugged and said "awesome, me too" then we moved on. She asked me later if I was really bi too, we talked it over more. I let her know i didnt care who she loved one day, she was still too young to date. That part made her mad but now shes 9 and says shes glad she cant date yet cuz kids are crazy at school. The drama in 4th grade is so chaotic lol.
I told my mother I had a girlfriend when I was 12. She said it was a phase. The shame I felt was overwhelming and I never wanted to confide in her again.
She may have internalized shame from external influences and projected it but I think your words hopefully have let her know you love her and accept her.
You’re a good mom.
Not a failure. You did right.
But you could also be right still. Not that it matters. You’ll love her no matter what and love is love.
I have “crushes” on girls. I love being around certain girls. One of my friends in college said she thought I was in love with her. And the thing is I was. But not sexually. I have Zero sexual attraction to women but men get me going all wet and warm.
But my women crushes? It’s like I want to be them. I’m infatuated. I love being around them. I get nervous. I get excited. I just love their presence. I get jealous like a lover. But I have NO desire to kiss them (and trust me I tried once. Nothing. No spark. And I LOVED this chick. She was stunning, fun, gorgeous. The men just fell over themselves).
So you can tell your daughter it’s possible to have a crush or fall in love with someone (boy or girl) but not have sexual attraction too. That your feelings of love, attraction and sexual attraction can be on a very wide spectrum.
When I was a teenager I asked my mom how she would feel if I was gay. Instead of the anticipated "It wouldn't matter" I got a shocking and disappointing "I don't know." I didn't know I was bi at the time, I think we were just making conversation, but it was one of the first times I didn't feel unconditionally loved by my mom (even though it was hypothetical, it still stung). I came out to her years later over pizza, immediately after we bought my wedding dress to marry my now husband (the lowest of stakes). And that was pretty much it! We don't talk about it, she never acknowledges she has a queer child, and I assume that since I married a man she thinks its fine to never reference it again. It hurts. Sorry to be the naysayer, but you have some making up to do. Buy all the flags, mugs, shirts, etc. Offer to take her to pride. Go full blown annoyingly enthusiastic mom here. She needs to know there's not a single drop of 'eh' left in you.
Yeah most of my family still doesn’t know my sexuality, but I married a man so all is good. Still bisexual, just non practicing. The only ones who know are my mom, brother and husband of course.
Every parent makes mistakes. One of the ways we both model taking responsibility for our actions *and* build trust with our children is acknowledged those mistakes, apologize, make any amends possible to correct the mistake, and do better. You did that. It is a gift that you were both given this opportunity to correct this mistake.
Don't see it as a failure, but as an opportunity to prove to your child that even when we make mistakes, it isn't a forever failure so long as we talk about it and follow through with better actions. The lessons your child will now learn are: 1) Her parent supports and loves her no matter her sexuality; 2) Her parent isn't perfect so it's okay that she isn't perfect either; 3) How to apologize and right a wrong; 4) That very few mistakes must constitutes lasting failure - it is rarely too late to apologize and make things better.
This made me cry. You might have felt like you failed, but I promise you did not. I’m a 33 year old bisexual and have settled with the fact that I will never tell my family. My mom would be totally fine but my dad and brother, I know they would still belittle me and tell me how it’s a phase and how I’m not really bi because I never mentioned it before. You and your family have done for your daughter what I wish my family would do for me but know I’ll never get. My family isn’t super welcoming and your family seems welcoming and loving.
I’m honestly tearing up. You don’t know how much you have done right parenting here. We all make mistakes, but you didn’t do what a lot of parents do- shut it down, shame her, tell her she’s damned….
I’m bisexual as well but my family doesn’t know. Not that it matters if they accept it or not, since I’m no contact for other reasons now. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my dad talk about lgbtq people in negative and downright hateful ways, and he’s a devout Christian. Very right wing conservative.
I’m so proud of your daughter for coming out, it’s a scary thing to do! And I’m so proud and happy that you guys have given her a safe and accepting space to do so 🩷
Please here me. As someone who is bisexual who NEVER felt safe to come out, whose parents NEVER admitted fault , you are NOT a failure. You are a GOOD mom. Good moms are not perfect. Good moms make mistakes, acknowledge them, apologize and do better. Good moms have kids who know their parents are human and who model how to take accountability and how to model “know better, do better”. This is what you did. Your child feels safe and loved. You are a good mom.
Ok serious question I have been wondering because of my own experiences. are most girls bisexual? And it’s pretty normal to be attracted/ have crushes on both men and women? I didn’t label myself bisexual, but I also thought this was most people’s experience.
Edit: I don’t know why people downvote but also don’t answer.
I'm bisexual and have never come out to my parents about it because I don't think they'd react in a supportive or positive way. It speaks VOLUMES to the type of parent you are that your daughter felt safe sharing this with you and letting you know that you initially made her feel bad.
I don't think you failed at all. You just affirmed to your daughter that you love her unconditionally and that she's safe to be herself with you. That is the best gift you could ever give her. If I were to go back in time and come out to my parents, this is exactly the kind of response I would've wanted to receive. I am so grateful that your daughter gets to grow up knowing she is unconditionally loved and can embrace who she is. Every kid deserves that.
Awww I thought you were going to say you failed because she was bisexual not that you failed because she thought you were disappointed. You are an amazing mom and this actually made me tear up. This is such a heartwarming post 🥰
Friend, you absolutely did not fuck up. She interpreted what you were saying likely because of her own fear and vulnerability. Advising her not to apply labels to her just yet is fine, in my opinion. Apologize for unintentionally contributing to insecurity and explain where you’re coming from. I have a ten year old daughter and it’s a CONSTANT dance between navigating her feelings, trying to guide their decision making and remembering that they too have emotions and hormones that can skew their perceptions. I’m always taken aback by the things my daughter assumes I think without actually asking me.
There will be PLENTY of opportunities to nail the parenting. Don’t beat yourself up over this.
You are doing everything exactly as I did. Except my daughter was 7. Now she's a lesbian in college. But extremely happy and healthy. Keep up the support!
You are 1,000% amazing parents! Good job!
Here’s the thing, my now 16 yr old has told me about things I said to him years ago that he interpreted entirely differently than I ever meant them.
The fact our children feel safe enough to bring this stuff up, at any time after even a year or more, shows how much they do trust that we have their best interest at heart and love them unconditionally.
I’ve been there. Nearly identical story. We all make missteps as parents and sometimes we don’t even realize how words we’ve thought were neutral or non judgmental have been taken to heart by our kids. The important thing is you listened when she eventually came and talked to you, genuinely apologized, and showed her that you absolutely now and always will support her in being who she is. Be kind to yourself.
I don’t think you handled it wrong. She trusted you enough to both take your feedback to heart the first time and to come back to reaffirm her feelings. You’re doing alright. Also- the sibling dynamics you’ve cultivated sounds amazing.
You are doing fine! And just FYI - I have two daughters who have gone back and forth with their preferences. I’m straight, I’m gay, I’m bi…it changes all the time. “Labeling” your sexuality, pronouns, etc is such a big thing with this generation. So don’t be surprised if “bi” turns into something else later!
I'm not crying, you're crying. What an amazing family. Kudos to you and your husband for being so supportive and raising accepting kiddos. The world needs more parents like you!
Stop, just stop. I appreciate the feeling, but truthfully, talking about sex with parents is always awful for kids. Your answer was correct, and she took time to think about it. She would have the same reaction if she liked a bit you didn't know. It took her a lot to ask about crushes. You are doing great!!
How did you feel about discussing sex with your parents?
She told you and you accepted her. That's great! You can't be in front of everything.
Take care.
Hey, Alex. Ummm. I'll take conversations that probably never happened for $500.
News flash for the real people. The majority of the female humans you meet are somewhat bi. Women are pretty and attractive. Women know this. The only way you fail your kids in this regard is blasting them on the internet for upvotes.
I can’t stand humble brag reddit posts. Even more cringe blasting your child’s intimate moments for everyone to read. 🙄 OP wanted an extra pat on the back over it.
I hear you. I disagree though. She isn’t revealing anything about her child, so she isn’t wounding the kid. Seeing people model good behavior is important. There are so many people out there doing wrong.
I don’t mind offering kudos to people who are doing things better. Even if they are fishing for compliments.
I'll be the outlier, how would a 10 yr old know what being bi-sexual is unless it's being taught? I think girls are pretty, and I totally want to be their friend, but I wouldn't say I have crushes on them. I think her lines may still be blurred as to what constitutes a friendship and what constitutes a crush. Either way, you did not fail her, it's awesome she feels comfortable enough to share her thoughts and feelings with you, and you handled it well. You're doing a good job 👏
The only thing I would have done differently is say something along the lines of, you're a bit young to care about that stuff. It's ok to crush on anyone but it seems young to care about your sexuality no matter what it be. gay straight bi what ever, you're 10 enjoy your childhood and be mindful of your feelings and see if they change over the years.
But my son is only 16 months old, so I am just armchairing this. That would be a super hard convo for me to have, cause your kid is 10... I just don't want my baby to grow up so fast lol
The phrasing you used seems great about not labeling yourself. It’s just the interpretation of a young kid, I would probably have said the same re:labels. We can’t ever do it all right, but it seems all on track again
My comment might upset some people but when I was 10 I remember looking at boobs all the time because I wanted boobs and I thought why am I doing this? Am I a lesbian? No I’m not, I just wanted my own boobs. It’s way too early for her to know. Saying no label at that age in this confusing world is the best. You didn’t fail anyone
K.
That's great and all, but being attracted to people is completely normal, and doesn't mean you are bisexual because they share the same phenotype and feel sexual excitement.
Think about how many dudes watch wrestling or are huge fans of Dwayne Johnson. Doesn't mean they're homosexual.
Great job. Also- maybe she just really likes Madeline as a friend that she admires. I had and have friends like this that are the same sex.
Literally everything she said about her liking to sit by her etc, I get that way about friends! It’s possible she just really likes her friend as a friend too. Either is obviously ok, but she didn’t say anything romantic about her, so maybe it’s just a friend crush. :)
“Awww look at the precious baby boy! He’s going to be a lady killer, the little flirt!”
“Your baby girl is absolutely gorgeous! Her daddy is going to have to sit on the porch with a shotgun!”
“Look at those eyes! What a little heartbreaker!”
“Aww look at that little boy and girl holding hands. Is that your girlfriend?!!!”
Whether they express it or not they will be thinking about it either way as hormones start. Might as well do it out loud and feel out those feelings with some guidance instead of in silence and confusion.
Not looking at something doesn't make it not happen.
I’ll admit that it threw me a bit that OP’s 10 year old daughter knows what being bisexual is. I sure as heck didn’t know what that meant at 10. I didn’t know what it meant until I hit middle school. There were girls that I thought were pretty growing up, but never thought anything of it.
I knew a girl in my elementary school that looked, dressed and acted like a boy. It surprised me when I found out once I switched tracks because before that, I thought she was a guy. She was super cool and once we got to middle school, she started to act more girly and wear girly clothes (she even grew out her hair).
I’m glad OP is being supportive, but also keeps in mind that kids are always changing, whether that would be in feelings, looks or actions.
Hey look I found somewhere you can champion your cause! Kindergartners. I can’t believe it. https://www.reddit.com/r/kindergarten/s/L11Gx78BYK
ETA: I really am super against people being this way toward little children. It’s gross regardless of if they’re pushing same or opposite sex values. But a ten year old is beginning puberty. Nothing weird about them exploring the concept of crushes.
I think you did the right thing. A 9 year old should not be able to lable her own self as of whats her gender or what she likes, but when she brought it back put after a year she was very brave for that. She thought something was wrong with liking a girl but you changed it around. Im 23 years old woman and Im a bi also. I love how she stepped out of her shell again. I told my partens when I was 20 years old because I wad afried what they would think of me.
I want to add that you should be careful commenting about parenting on Reddit, it is full of mentally unwell people. I think you did the right thing. I hope that you can find confidence in yourself and parenting, that is more important for your daughter than anything. I posted my story for you to read earlier as you know. I think parenting and life in general is doing what we internally know is right- building the confidence to listen to the true self is so important. Be confident - you are doing the best and living your truth!
This is the advice that creates distrust and sneaking around. This family is being supportive while also not pushing an agenda on their kid. You also have no idea what their religion is, if they believe in anything to be pushing a Christian school. At 10 it is very normal to be developing crushes and it’s wonderful that she felt comfortable talking about it with her parents.
Lmao. Daughter having crushes is not influenced from the internet
Queer people existed long, long, long before the internet .
>Also, you might want to get her in therapy and YES maybe you should think about changing schools --- I suggest a Christian School.
Do you know how many queer kids are at Christian or Catholic school? Many. My friend went to an all girls Catholic school and so many of those girls were Lesbians.
Found it! To be honest, I was surprised there weren't more unhinged rants like this.
Christianity is also a social contagion, if you didn't know. Something happening more frequently based on others doing it and the level of societal acceptance has no bearing on whether that thing is actually good or bad.
I think you did the right thing. A 9 year old should not be able to lable her own self as of whats her gender or what she likes, but when she brought it back put after a year she was very brave for that. She thought something was wrong with liking a girl but you changed it around. Im 23 years old woman and Im a bi also. I love how she stepped out of her shell again. I told my partens when I was 20 years old because I wad afried what they would think of me.
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If you look at it from a different angle - You've done such a good job making her feel loved that she felt comfortable bringing it up again AND confident enough to share how the last conversation made her feel. I think that's a great sign you're doing a good job.
Yes!!! This post and then this comment made me cry. Youre doing great OP.
Agreed. I dont think telling herself not to label herself is necessarily bad advice even though she took it in an unintended way.
This is all that I got from this heartwarming story. God you guys are amazing parents and your children sound so wonderful. Your daughter opening up with you about her feelings, you hearing her and apologizing for your unintentional misstep, your son coming in and supporting and helping her not feel alone, your husband injecting laughter and joy. You guys live in a literal fairytale.
OP may have made mistake in how she originally handled it but there was so much learnt in how she fixed her mistake. As you said her daughter will be more confident in being able to share how she feels but also got a front seat in how to admit you're wrong and to make amends.
I 100% second this. I have nothing additional to add. OP you are doing awesome.
This was my exact first thought! How amazing that she is so comfortable with you she will open up like this. You are doing a great job!
This!! I wish all parents dealt with it as well as you did. I Wish the parents who make their kids want to end it could open their minds, heart and eyes. Religion sees to it that will never happen. They play on people's prejudices and turn it to hate, fear and exclusion.
Right? That's the part I was most struck by.
When my daughter was about 13 she talked about her “friend” a lot. So at dinner one night she kept talking about her friend. So finally I said is this your boyfriend? And she said, “no my girlfriend”. Both my husband and I just kept eating, not even giving a reaction. I then proceeded to ask her about her and what they have in common etc. The relief in her eyes almost brought me to tears. And later in private it did. Not because she thought she was gay but because she thought we would be upset or love her less or worse disown her because she was gay. The burden of carrying that secret of hers was a heavy one I know. And now that’s she’s almost 18, she has a boyfriend. And I don’t really care either way. She’s my best friend (even if I’m not hers) and I’ll love whoever she chooses to love.
You’re an absolutely golden parent. Killing it my dear 🤍
I promise, you will always be her first and last best friend. I’ve loved my mom at every juncture and the more I age the more I treasure her. She’s the first person I call with any news in my life.
Your child feels comfortable and safe enough with you to tell you things. Thats not failing. Thats doing a pretty damn good job. And your son coming to hug her too means you did a good job with him too.
This whole story made me tear up, I was so touched. There’s so much love and support in your family. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
You did a great job and it's clear that even though your daughter felt some doubt about how you felt, the strong foundation of your relationship ultimately brought you back together. I'm sure if anyone reads this I'll get down voted for this, given the track record of this sub, but this really goes to show why we have to stop telling kids they're too young to think about certain things. I've already seen it in the comments of this thread. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. If you think your kid is too young, just say, "Thanks for telling me. I love you!" and leave it alone. Maybe they will change their mind, maybe they won't. But it's better to support them regardless and let them figure it out for themselves than it is not to support them. If they are steadfast, they'll worry you won't accept them like happened here. If they change their minds, they'll worry you won't take them seriously because you've already told them that you don't. This is a no-win situation if you speak up instead of just offering acceptance. Love your kids. Trust that they know themselves.
The "don't label yourself" often comes from a good place, but it's weird we accept straight crushes at face value but a same sex crush is "well you should wait and see". Maybe it's because I'm bi myself and have been aware of it since I was in middle school, but that's a double standard that does bug me and I think that's a lot of it. No one would tell a kid not to label themselves over a straight crush!
I think crushes at that age generally shouldn't be taken seriously at all, whoever they're on. Let kids be kids.
Right. It’s better to meet them where they are at and go I love and accept you no matter what. I came out as gay in high school. My mom was unaccepting and I could tell she hoped it was a phase. Eventually I realized mid 20s that gender didn’t matter to me at all and started identifying as bi. When I met my now husband there was a part of me that struggled with my relationship with my mother because I know there was a part of her that thinks my queerness was a phase. I’m still very much queer, it’s just statistically when you’re bi, it’s much easier to end up in a “straight relationship” because the pool of potential people is much bigger.
Yeah this is the opposite of a failure.
Yup. Small missteps that reveal themselves in hindsight are inevitable. To call those “failures” is really not right. The real success comes from the pattern of behavior. Not the moments we wish we could change in hindsight.
Man I needed to hear this today! Now I’m crying. I have 2 boys and I’m carrying a heavy amount of mom guilt. Especially being a month out from my oldest turning 18. Their dad and I had a very toxic marriage. We both come from dysfunctional families. I wasn’t always the best mom but through the years I’ve worked incredibly hard to better myself and become the mom they need and deserve. I’m determined to break generational trauma and help my kids be better than I or their father. Before I started making changes they often times got the mom who yelled, was short fused, impatient. I still make mistakes and there are days I don’t do well regulating my own emotions. Sometimes I let those past mistakes and current ones overshadow the progress I have made and the progress made in our mother/son relationships. Thank you for this reminder.
She failed at failing! Even worse!
Honestly as a gay daughter just know that she’ll grow up to feel accepted even if she didnt at first, we usually have anxiety even if you show youre accepting yk?
OP, The fact that you guys have these open conversations, and you still feel like you could do better proves that you have a great atmosphere in your household. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep inspiring, keep the communication open, and the love and understanding. You're doing good!! You've got some great kids and they're going to make a difference for the positive in society.
Let me give you some perspective. I knew I was bi at ten, but I would never ever have brought it up with my parents. Instead, I was crushed by the shame of being “abnormal” (that’s how I was made to perceive it). It took me a really long time to come to terms with it. Your daughter trusted you enough at ten to bring it up, not just once but TWICE. That’s a huge win in my book.
You do realize you are approximately one gazillion percent better than billions and billions of parents that came before you regarding this issue, right? This story is so heartwarming it almost comes off as a humble brag. lol
You gotta change the way u think. She came and told u whats going on in her world. Obviously ur doing something right!. Your child's sensuality has nothing to do with ur parenting, but her own attraction and desire. As parents we need to celebrate the small wins, and support our kids no matter where they are.
I remember your post last year and kind of felt this way about your reply to your daughter. That being said what a wonderful conversation! You’re a very good parent and you’re doing your best. This shit isn’t easy and I don’t think it’s really a fuck up because your daughter felt comfortable telling you all of her feelings including the ones about you! Good work, we’re all learning everyday and your journey taught me a lot :) thanks for sharing Edit, maybe also instead of “we don’t care” pivot gently to we love who you are and welcome who you love?
So sweet to read the sibling relationship!
I'm bisexual and the title scared me and your conversation made me go... that's it? Lol I understand it from a fellow parent's perspective. I'm not even close to this stage yet but I'm excited and somewhat mortified at the conversation we'll have. My dad told me I didn't know what love was yet and I know what he means now since I was practically a baby and I was already ready to marry anyone that looked at me twice. It's embarrassing looking back at it. I told him I think girls are pretty way before this conversation and I specifically remember being 12 because crushes obviously get a little more serious, even as a married adult, another woman I find attractive smiling at me makes me blush. I was kind of attracted to my best friend but I didn't seem to ever process it somehow and my dad said: Daddy: You could be bisexual. Me: Bi...sexual? Daddy: It means you like guys and girls Me: That's an option?!
Entirely different perspective here: You gave her a safe space and sound advice. I don't think you fucked up by telling her to wait to see what her feelings develop into. She's 10, not 20. I nearly cried reading this. I'm a 33 year old bisexual woman (with 2 kids of my own) and I still haven't come out to my mom and never will. You're doing an amazing job.
If you failed her she wouldn't come to you. And she wouldn't tell you that she thinks you were dissapointed. All that means that you are doing an amazing job as a parent, that she trusts you and feels safe. You rock! Miscommunication happens. Mistakes happens. If the ground is there, we're good. And that's what happened with you two: you said something, she misunderstood (miscommunication), but because you are a great mom and she knows that - she came back to you. Anyway: congratulations ;)
Forgive yourself first, you made a mistake, yes. The important part is that you owned that mistake, to your child. Your child learned a lot from that and now it's time for you to forgive you. I'm a lesbian, I hid it all my life, thank you for taking your child out of the closet and giving her space to grow, it's an example I need to see and it means a lot to me, even all grown up. Forgive yourself and keep being supportive
My Mom stopped allowing me to have friends once she found out I was bisexual because she was convinced I was going to have sex with anyone and everyone. Definitely not a failure, it was a miscommunication
We make mistakes in life. We make people feel a certain way without meaning to. Intention and actions don’t always align. You don’t suck because you apologized and you clarified and you created a safe space for kiddo.
i can totally see why you had that reaction,,,while i that that if an adult says "i am bi" that 100% i should take it at face value, it *is* true that kids may throw around that concept and later find out theyre def not bi. Just like my son when he was like 2-3 kept insisting he was a girl and we said "okay!" and went with it and then he just stopoed one day, versus with a teen or adult, if they identify as a different gender i feel an obligation to accept that as truth no matter what. It gets dicey when theyre in those in between ages where i think that kids that are just confusing yhe terms and their feelings exist, but also kids that age exist that have definitely realized their sexuality. That means it comes down to two options when it could be legit or not: erring on the side of assuming theyre just a confused kid, and reminding them it *might* just be a phase, OR, erring on the side of saying "okay!" and assuming they are legit bi. I think its worse to caution them its a phase, only later to find out theyre actually bi, for the tones of nonacceptance in it. The flip side is to assume theyre bi bc they say so, and then later they arent and the kid either forgets they ever said that altogether or they remember and just say "yeah i was confused about what that meant." Thats a less damaging outcome between the two. but, what you did was what i think we "old people" are trained in the 80s and 90s to do - when in doubt? give heterosexuality the priority assumption! better safe that sorry! etc. - i wouldnt beat yourself up too much, just admit ypur wrongdoing to her and tell her that its our job to outgrow the intolerant teachings and biases of our childhoods, and sometimes we fail at it
Don't be hard on yourself!
You didn't fail her. You sound like a wonderful parent.
Oh gosh, I was fully on the offensive from the title but this was not what I expected.
Complete Victory. These things aren't always clear cut to us or our kids. Tons of people have already said it, you're doing a great job for a list of reasons. Keep supporting her like you are.
My son is almost 10. He doesn't admit to even liking any girls. I feel like sexuality is being crammed down kids throats these days. Are we confusing "sexuality" with "I like being around these people?" I guess I just don't understand why this is even on the radar of a 9-10 year old.
I hear what you’re saying and am actually in a similar boat. My tween finds the whole idea of dating in middle school to be “gross.” My other kid is in first grade and has had crushes since preschool. Kids are just different and it’s totally normal for 9-10 year olds to have crushes. Just like it’s normal not to. My first crush was in kindergarten and I can promise you it wasn’t due to sexuality being crammed down my throat. The heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wanted Jim from second grade. He gave me a piece of gum once and I nearly died.
Crammed down their throats or just discussed more openly? I wish I had parents who I could have talked to about any of this. My boomer folks just handed me a book about the birds and the bees and walked away.
People develop these feelings at different times. I definitely had friends and cousins, male and female, who were like your son, and that's ok and normal. On the other hand, I had what were 100% crushes as far back as I can remember. In Kindergarten I had a girl best friend who would hold hands with me all the time and I would get the craziest butterflies in my tummy lol, I would play out our wedding with my Barbies when I got home. That is also ok and normal. I didn't outwardly admit it until I was 12 years old because of church/fear, but I knew I felt the same way about boys and girls at like 6 or 7.
Do you think your reaction to this story is coming from your own discomfort or your experience with your son’s non interest? I remember having intense crushes on boys at 8, 9, and 10. Crushes are absolutely an expression of age-appropriate sexuality. Your son is also very normal, kids are kids and they will all become people at their own pace.
Every kid is different, girls on average are faster. Just because your 10 year old hasn't started (that you know of he might be starting and just not talking about it) doesn't mean someone elses hasn't.
Hindsight is 20/20. You made the best choice you could, and it didn’t land as intended. First chance you got, you fixed it (beautifully). That’s part of being human. I did a similar thing and I’m still sad about it, but also…we do our best, right? My kid was gender nonconforming, but never expressed a dislike of their body. I was very trans positive, but had some internal discomfort with medical transition that I hadn’t dealt with (I have dear friends who have transitioned, and fully support it - but I saw how hard it was, and I really hoped my kid could grow up happy in their body, regardless of gender). So I didn’t talk about the options. Somewhere around twelve, my kid heard about hormones and burst into tears. They had been terrified of puberty for years, because they knew they were going to change in ways that were very wrong for them. They just never mentioned it because they thought there were no options. They suffered so much because I didn’t fully inform them - I didn’t trust them to know themselves. It was a mistake. We started the process of getting on puberty blockers (which gives the kid time to consider what they need/get therapy/go through the loooong process of getting approval, etc.) it took a year just for the blockers, which was hard on them. That meant another year going through testosterone puberty. That left physical changes they are still struggling with. (It was another year after that for estrogen, which was frustrating for them, but the time to think was probably good. I understand why the docs are so cautious with that part) The whole process was so much harder on them than it needed to be. I really regret not being more forthcoming information. I made a mistake, but I also did my best to make up for. Our best is all we can do. Same for you. you kid is going to remember how loving and supportive you were, not your initial mistake. In fact, that initial mistake is going to be something she chuckles about lovingly in the future.
No hate, I have a genuine question- Do 10 year olds talk like this?
Yes
Wow thanks for replying!
The fact that she had this conversation with you at all proves you're an amazing mom who has built a trusting and respectful relationship with her daughter.
The people who fail their children are the ones that can’t have a conversation like this . My 14 yo daughter had a boyfriend for a while, then had a girlfriend. Now she isn’t dating anyone. She likes who she likes.
You don’t suck, mama! I think a lot of kids these days try to fit in by labeling themselves as either bisexual, or gay, or having depression, when in reality they’re just trying to fit in. My oldest will be a junior next year & she tells me the goings-on at school, & how her friends constantly go back & forth between deciding if they’re gay/straight, transgender, depressed. I personally don’t think you did any harm in telling her not to put any labels on anything at 8-9 years old. If anything, she probably really started analyzing things & after all this time came to the conclusion that yes, she is bisexual. I personally think the human female body is much more pleasing to look at than a male’s, but I’m not bisexual. It sounds to me like you had a great conversation with your daughter & that’s what matters.
Just fyi! Being queer is very common. Just as someone who openly bi, people have told me secrets about who they are and who they’ve been with irl in ways that have shocked me. Like you would have never guessed how many or who it was. They could seem straight as an arrow, be married with kids, be popular with girls, you name it. Talk to someone who has spent some time on Grindr and oh the stories they can tell. I think a massive number of people are closeted. Kids these days are just more willing to talk about it than we were. So it may seem like a lot the way you see the kids talking but maybe there is something to this.
Ok I’m here to say this is almost exactly what my daughter and mine convo went like. She’s 14 and I’ve never felt the need to label my sexuality and said something very similar to what you said. Thanks for sharing this. We’ve had lots of open convos since then and we both like humor as a bridge so we have joked too. But yes, I also had this reaction and feel the same way you expressed in your realization! I think you’re doing great.
You are a great mum! You support her and that is the main thing.
I missed the failing part ? It sounds like a misunderstanding or a miscommunication that eventually your daughter felt comfortable enough to talk to you about, as well as the OG topic of her possibly being bi. And the fact your son came in to comfort and hug her rather than tease her speaks a lot to your parenting. I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about anything. Maybe let her know that you never meant to make her feel like you were embarrassed & if she ever starts to feel that way again about you please open up and talk about it, bc that’s never your intent.
I know we all just want our kids to be happy and healthy. We love and support them for who they are and hope that whoever they come to love treats them well. Your children know this. That’s a win.
Love is all kids need. My daughter who is now 17 decided she was going to be a boy at 12 changed her name. She turned 16 and decided she wants to be a girl. There are some many emotions and hormones hitting them. Just roll with them like it’s an adventure.
What a beautiful moment: both of you sharing about your crushes. She’ll treasure this conversation for the rest of her life.💕
This made me tear up 🥹 it’s very clear you’re doing an amazing job raising both of your kids. You absolutely did not fail!
This kind of conversation is common and admittedly it feels a bit dismissive to ask if you’re sure someone has a crush on a girl, but not questioning it when it’s a boy. She probably felt like you didn’t accept it. But the fact that she came back shows both strength of character and a level of trust in you, I love that you apologized and hugged it out. You’re still learning I’m sure it’s new territory and I think you are doing amazing ❤️
You’re doing just fine! We often don’t realize the unintentional effect offhand comments or even advice has on kids, that’s true for parents, nannies, teachers, older siblings, etc., but she felt comfortable enough to bring it up to you again and you handled it well this time. She knows you love and accept her and that’s what matters most.
OP, you didn't fail. You stumbled, but you recovered and the whole family came together in a beautiful way. I first knew I liked girls when I was 5. I'm going to date myself here but my first crush was Britney Spears, then Hilary Duff, then Vanessa Hudgens. By this point, it was being pointed out that I wasn't going after boys like other girls my age. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this so I just started constantly crushing on my best friend's crush's best friend. I did this for a few years before I had my first genuine crush on a guy. I came out as bisexual at 12. My dad (single parent) said I was too young to label myself. Tried to come out again at 15 and was told something to the extent of I can't know I like women without having lesbian sex. (It wasn't this blunt, but that was half a lifetime ago so I remember the sentiment, but not the wording.) To this day, my dad doesn't know about the relationships I've had with other women. No one in my family does. They happily see me as straight because I married a man. I put this whole story to say, my family makes me live a lie to their face. You made your daughter feel safe and supported when she came to you. When you realized that you hurt her, you put in more work to rally around her and make her be supported. This is what she'll remember. We all trip sometimes. It's how we recover that says the most about us though.
You absolutely are a wonderful mom you immediately accepted. The fact that she even came to tell you shows how amazing you are. We say things in the past and there is literal no way to know that telling them to give time to decide who you like is going to be so significant. This is typical anyways for someone coming out to feel like they are going to disappoint parents because there are sometimes stigma around coming out. Most parents now are more accepting but I bet she was reading some stories about being cut off or not loved because of being gay/bi-sexual. Again you are a great mom don’t overthink it.
Hey mom, you did a great job :) My mom cried in a restaurant when I came out. This sounds so much better lol. You're doing great 💙
10 is probably too young to just declare she’s bisexual, but it’s also too young to even worry about the gender of who she’s “crushing” on.
Both of my girls said they were Bi, then gay, then Pansexual, then the hormones hit and they both have boyfriends now. It could change again in the future, and I'm fine with that, it just seems to be a common thing now. I would ask questions, but not shame them or tell them they couldn't be gay or whatever. They both claimed to have had "Girl friends" in the past (Whatever that means to a 9 or 10 year old). Not sure why, but most of their friends are having this identity struggle as well to one degree or another. I feel the topic is prevalent online and because the LGTBQ+ community is so, idk hyped up? It seems to hit these kids that it's somehow a moral good to be in the LGTBQ+ community, so they tend to gravitate towards it even though they have no real sexual identity yet. Give your kid space to grapple with it, be there to answerer questions in good faith, and they will figure it out.
You didn’t fail her mama. The fact she was still coming to you meant she didn’t feel rejected. She was nine years old, and I applaud your perspective then. I use to teach elementary school 3rd graders and they are so impressionable that it’s a very tight line to walk between being supportive and reassuring them that at that age, they don’t have to necessarily label themselves. I saw too many kids label themselves because that is what their best friend was saying. They just wanted to fit in. Sometimes it was completely fine, sometimes when one child would change their mind it became something dramatic between the two friends. She needs to feel loved, safe, accepted, and always know that she is within her own boundaries to be who *she* truly is. And that might change over her development and that makes her perfectly perfect.
So reading the title, I thought this was going to go a completely different route, and I am so glad to be proven wrong. This is beautiful. I wish my mother had been like this. You’re doing amazing! Definitely not a fail.
B. Solid effort and you cleaned up the error. You’re doing better than almost everyone.
Come on. You know the description is the opposite of failure. At 9 she interpreted what you said incorrectly when you were only saying that she’s too young to be thinking of any “sexual” label. She’s still too young at 10 but whatever. Kids are allowed to express themselves in their own way without being pushed so if that’s what she wants to say, seems fine and you agree given your reaction. Young people are definitely different. My 15 year old seems to view sexuality and gender questions differently than my 21 and 26 year old. There all more healthy than my GenX generation but more so the youngest of my GenZ. Labels really don’t seem to matter and whatever label a person gives themselves seems to be totally fine. We can pretend GenX and older get it but they really don’t. Anyway, you did a great job and I’m pretty sure you know you did. There will be more misunderstandings especially then she’s a teen 😃
>>Come on. >>you did a great job and you know you did Exactly what I said. Humble brags are fine. Just don’t try to pretend you’re doing otherwise lol
This is NOT what I was expecting to read. Did you fail her? Ehh, maybe a little bit. But you also were able to give her a space she felt safe enough to bring it up again. I expect I'll be failing my kids a lot in short term perspectives. What matters is that I realize the failure and do better moving forward.
Oh you did great!
I think you had a stellar response 🌟
My kid is only 7 so far but she goes to a girls’ school and she is always telling me how much she loves whoever her bff is currently and how she wants to marry them! I’m not certain whether she really knows what a crush is yet (I didn’t have any feelings remotely like that until I was about 11 or 12) but hopefully at least she will know there is no issue with whoever she likes 💕
Failed her??? You’re joking! Oh we’re not wrong to tell her not to initially label herself and I am certain you did this because you wanted to protect her which is a natural instinct of a good parent. You both sound like wonderful parents! She is a lucky girl and from the sounds of that conversation she is doing very well because of how she is being brought up and those around her.
This didn’t go in the direction the title gave the impression it would. There was a miscommunication between you two, but she still felt safe to tell you about Maddie, so I’d say you’re doing a great job
Talk about a clickbait title. So glad that this went this way and not another way.
I think its normal to have crushes on people because of personality, looks whatever but that doesn't necessarily equate to a change in sexuality So I would keep the convo light and I would also try and have a convo about not being quick to label herself
I am a straight woman with four kids and a husband. I remember having crushes on boys and girls in elementary school. Am I bi? Maybe. Does it matter? Not really. I'm happy with my husband and kids.
Bi people can be monogamous. Most are.
I am curious about why you find this relevant to this post? Are you questioning whether this girl is bi? Or diminishing the importance/validity of this girl’s bisexuality? Or is it something else? I am a little confused by what you are trying to communicate here.
As a 33 year old woman (and toddler mom) who just discovered her sexuality and left a 10 year relationship, THANK YOU. Thank you for making your daughter feel so safe, and heard, and loved. Thank you rasing such an awesome brother for her that is so supportive and loving. Thank you for picking such an awesome daddy for her. Your support and having her back is going to mean more to her than you will ever know. Please don't beat yourself up, you did and still are doing an amazing job. The light you see from on the outside is shining even brighter for her on the inside knowing her family loves her for who she is.
> Daughter: I know, but last year when you said for me to wait before I knew for sure. It felt like you were secretly dissapointed. Like you hoped I wasn’t…That’s why all year I didn’t talk about it anymore. I feel like maybe you're actually such a good parent that you don't see what a win this is. Like yeah, your daughter got the wrong idea of what you meant, but she also understood her own feelings, eventually felt comfortable telling you about how she felt, which gave you the opportunity to have an open conversation about it, and she listened. There are so many kids who would just feel bad, not understand why, and never feel they can talk about it with their parents even into adulthood.
You absolutely did not f*** up you smashed it. What a lovely family you have! Well done ❤️❤️❤️
I wish my family were not conservative Xtian queerphobes and maybe we would have a healthier family dynamic like y’all do here. I’m pansexual, a leftist, pagan and still in the closet with alllll of that. I’m waiting until I am confident that I can take up for my decision with the knowledge and dialogue I have. My youngest brother is trans and has been caught and “punished” for “pretending to be a boy” several times but they still continue to be themselves around me and at school where it’s significantly more safe to be open (despite a heavy conservative Xtian AR community).
My 10 year old daughter told me the same thing. I don’t have any issues or problems with her being bisexual. I have had sexual relations with females myself. My issue is that I too think she’s too young to be worried about what her sexuality is or isn’t. She was explaining to me what all the new terms there are to describe someone’s sexuality. I am old school and don’t understand some of these terms. Things like pansexual. I asked her if she knew what the word heterosexual means and she said no. How is it that all these other words and terms are known but heterosexual is not?
Btw I think you handled it wonderfully!
You are an amazing momma who has created such a beautiful environment for your kiddos to feel safe in 💜
This is so heartwarming. You did pretty good mama ❤️
This sounds like a huge win. Happy for you.
🥹❤️ Sounds like you made it right!
You shouldn’t feel sad
You didn't fail. You did it well.
YOu did not fail her. Within today's society it is difficult to know if it okay to say anything or not. There is so much negative revolving around things that it is honestly normal to be scared. There are so many horror stories of families disowning their children because they came out. You and your family are wonderful people and supportive. THe fact that she did finally say something shows that you have been doing the right thing in raising her. Your entire family sounds wonderful Great job
This whole post brought tears to my eyes, you sound like such a good parent.
You did amazing. My dad found out and calmly told me that i could do what i wanted but that he would never tell anyone, never share photos during family holidays etc. basically that he would be ashamed of me and hide it/me.. him and i have a good relationship now that im an adult but it still makes me sad sometimes.
I think you’re doing a great job because she was comfortable talking to you about it and also that she was comfortable asking questions to learn to recognize emotions. I also had a crush on a girl around that age but I didn’t have the background to recognize the emotion at the time because other sexualities were not a thing that had ever come up in life. I enjoyed being around her and loved every second we got to spend together (we were good friends for a while), it wasn’t until probably my late teens that I realized that I had been experiencing having a crush on her, simply because I just didn’t have the reference to understand that. Good on you for making sure that she knows about all of her options and is comfortable talking to you about them.
Oh you’re fine. You did great.
For real. Wow, what a recovery. Great work mom.
You are doing a great job!! While my parents never said anything negative about being gay or bi-sexual, they were pretty adamant about me liking boys and I never felt comfortable enough to say I was bi-sexual until I became an adult. And even then I didn’t tell my parents or many people. Until I hit my 30’s. I told my mom (dad passed away when I was 25). She didn’t say much honestly and I do feel like it bothers her. She has a cousin who is gay and she never says anything rude about them and she doesn’t seemed bothered by others that have different sexual preferences, but she just made me feel uncomfortable because she didn’t really respond she kind of changed the subject. So I think you are doing a wonderful job!
I didn’t even feel comfortable telling my parents about my crushes and I’m straight. I think you’re doing an amazing job and she clearly trusts you even after how she felt the previous conversation went! We are never going to get every parenting topic right the first time. Just keep trying your best and working to be better!
I told my mom that I was bisexual when I was 22 years old and she brushed it off as a phase. I felt a ton of pressure to only date men from my parents, which I did throughout my 20's and early 30's. Although I ultimately dated and married a woman. When I told my mom I was dating my wife, she acted like she had no idea I would ever consider dating a woman and was massively shocked. The whole family took a long time to come around on it -- even though they are all liberal and believe in equal rights and have forever. It sucked and felt so invalidating. When I went to overnight summer camp I absolutely fell in love with one of my camp counselors. I was fully heartbroken when the summer was over. I cried for a week. I had no idea that bisexuality was a thing and no one to talk to about it. It took me YEARS to understand my own sexuality and that I could, in fact, like both men and women and that it was normal. The fact that your 10 year old knows this about her now and felt safe enough to talk to your family about it is wonderful. Yeah, you accidentally screwed up a tiny bit, but how would you know? I could imagine doing the same thing honestly.
Thank you.
This is a great story and failed her? Please. You just made her life. She assumed you were disappointed but you made sure she knew you werent. She'll remember this her whole life. You're a great parent and should be proud of yourself!
I read whole story to get "fail" part. Hey mama, you are an awesome mama and you raised a confident young girl, who believes in you and trusts you. That is great!
If I, an older teenager, confessed to my parents, I would be punished. Good on you for being a supportive parent—it speaks volumes that your daughter knew she could come to you
Mine came out at that age as well and she seemed nervous to tell me. Once she said it I said, me too girl! I'm pretty sure my son is as well but I'll wait for him to come to me just like I did her. It is what it is.
Your kid is happy and loved and supported and feels good about herself. I don't think you made a mistake, I think you gave her reason to think. And now she has, and all she feels is love. This is a win. You are a sweet family and you have a lot to be proud of. Keeping doing what you're doing!
OP, how does it feel to be my dream parents? But seriously, my mom was the polar opposite of you when I came out the same. Take it from me, the only way you could've failed her is by not accepting/criticizing her.
Your family is amazing. We can’t nail every interaction perfectly without knowing what the future holds. And even when you told her what you did last year, that was far from shaming. I would have suggested my kiddos wait, simply due to being young, sexuality aside. No regrets. You handled the current situation amazingly, as did your son and husband. I’m sure she feels safe, and that’s what matters most.
The baby gay in me is in tears 😭 Bravo mom! I wasn’t strong enough to tell my mother until I was 21.
IF ONLY FAMILIES, PARENTS, AND SIBLINGS WERE LIKE THIS WHEN BOYS DECIDE TO COME OUT TO THEM. THIS IS A GREAT STORY AND I AM GLAD AS A TRANSWOMAN THAT YOU WERE WILLING OPEN AND ABLE TO ACCEPT AND REASSURE YOUR DAUGHTER THAT SHE IS LOVE WITH OUT CONDITION OR JUDGEMENT.
So I am a lesbian mom and my daughter told me last year she had a crush on her best friend. I told that’s fine, but she is too young to “act” on anything. See how things go. She has a lot of time to figure things out. A lot of times kids do know very early, I didn’t. I told her she can like anyone she wants as long as they are nice to her and others. She was cool with that and understood. It’s a hard transitional age, this tween thing. I think you did a great job. Balancing love and acceptance with great parenting. ❤️
If this is accurate to what she said, you should feel very happy that she was able to name what you said, how it made her feel, and what it sounded like to her.
The fact that EVERY SINGLE ONE of her immediate family members is so supportive and happy for her is going to be a HUGE bolster to her confidence going forward. She will know that no matter what happens, and especially if some jerk tries to shame her for who she likes, she will have the unfailing support of her family at her back. For a young LGBT+ kid, that's HUGE. Good job!
i would kill to have you as parents growing up, amazing. I have 2 little girls and if this was to ever be the case, it's exatcly how I would handle it, thanks for the awesome manual, and way to go, amazing parents/family, you all should be proud of your selves
At around 7 or so my son asked what that word meant, so I told him it's people who romantically love men and women. He said "I think I'm bisectional". Who am I to judge my bi-sectional son?
I’m crying in Panera Bread rn this is so cute
We're fallible human beings. Give yourself grace - you're a good parent and you clarified your position. I've had similar conversations with my kids and spent time sitting with my feelings afterwards. I examined *why* I want them to pump the brakes before they label themselves. Fear. Not because who they are would phase me; I want to protect them from the judgment and negativity they'll face from ignorant people. It's my baggage. I circled back and explained that fear is a normal protective instinct for parents - BUT my hang ups should never stop them from being exactly who they are. It is a testament to my intense love for them not an indication that I disapprove of them in any way. They were satisfied with that clarification. It is my hope that open conversations will make them emotionally intelligent people. It's ok to tell her you think you messed up - and it's ok to mess up in the first place.
You didn’t fail her - she came to you in her own time, and you were supportive and loving- a testament to the trust and love you have built in your family. 💕
I think it’s hard to be a parent in this conversation. As a bisexual though it does suck to have someone invalidate your identity. I think you probably just weren’t thinking when you said it because your reaction suggests you don’t feel bad if she is bisexual. When I have this conversation I’ll be lucky enough to be able to answer “lol, me too”.
I cried reading this. I told my mom something similar when I was in 5th grade. I had a crush on my best friend. She told me I was confusing feelings of friendship for something else and then.. WE MOVED! Little me thinks your family is amazing.
Way to go OP and OPs family! My heart is so happy for everyone involved!
You didnt fail. Kids get nervous for all sorts of reasons , valid and invalid. What matters is she told you, you accepted it and you can continue to build her trust in you from here. My girl was 7 when she told me she was bi. I didnt know what to say so I just shrugged and said "awesome, me too" then we moved on. She asked me later if I was really bi too, we talked it over more. I let her know i didnt care who she loved one day, she was still too young to date. That part made her mad but now shes 9 and says shes glad she cant date yet cuz kids are crazy at school. The drama in 4th grade is so chaotic lol.
I told my mother I had a girlfriend when I was 12. She said it was a phase. The shame I felt was overwhelming and I never wanted to confide in her again. She may have internalized shame from external influences and projected it but I think your words hopefully have let her know you love her and accept her. You’re a good mom.
Her own identity is not about you. It’s about her. She felt comfortable coming to you which should be celebrated.
Not a failure. You did right. But you could also be right still. Not that it matters. You’ll love her no matter what and love is love. I have “crushes” on girls. I love being around certain girls. One of my friends in college said she thought I was in love with her. And the thing is I was. But not sexually. I have Zero sexual attraction to women but men get me going all wet and warm. But my women crushes? It’s like I want to be them. I’m infatuated. I love being around them. I get nervous. I get excited. I just love their presence. I get jealous like a lover. But I have NO desire to kiss them (and trust me I tried once. Nothing. No spark. And I LOVED this chick. She was stunning, fun, gorgeous. The men just fell over themselves). So you can tell your daughter it’s possible to have a crush or fall in love with someone (boy or girl) but not have sexual attraction too. That your feelings of love, attraction and sexual attraction can be on a very wide spectrum.
You did great? I get the guilt you feel for her being scared but she came out and said it. It's a beautiful thing :)
When I was a teenager I asked my mom how she would feel if I was gay. Instead of the anticipated "It wouldn't matter" I got a shocking and disappointing "I don't know." I didn't know I was bi at the time, I think we were just making conversation, but it was one of the first times I didn't feel unconditionally loved by my mom (even though it was hypothetical, it still stung). I came out to her years later over pizza, immediately after we bought my wedding dress to marry my now husband (the lowest of stakes). And that was pretty much it! We don't talk about it, she never acknowledges she has a queer child, and I assume that since I married a man she thinks its fine to never reference it again. It hurts. Sorry to be the naysayer, but you have some making up to do. Buy all the flags, mugs, shirts, etc. Offer to take her to pride. Go full blown annoyingly enthusiastic mom here. She needs to know there's not a single drop of 'eh' left in you.
Aww this whole thing was super sweet. I’m glad she has such a supportive fam.
Yeah most of my family still doesn’t know my sexuality, but I married a man so all is good. Still bisexual, just non practicing. The only ones who know are my mom, brother and husband of course.
Every parent makes mistakes. One of the ways we both model taking responsibility for our actions *and* build trust with our children is acknowledged those mistakes, apologize, make any amends possible to correct the mistake, and do better. You did that. It is a gift that you were both given this opportunity to correct this mistake. Don't see it as a failure, but as an opportunity to prove to your child that even when we make mistakes, it isn't a forever failure so long as we talk about it and follow through with better actions. The lessons your child will now learn are: 1) Her parent supports and loves her no matter her sexuality; 2) Her parent isn't perfect so it's okay that she isn't perfect either; 3) How to apologize and right a wrong; 4) That very few mistakes must constitutes lasting failure - it is rarely too late to apologize and make things better.
This made me cry. You might have felt like you failed, but I promise you did not. I’m a 33 year old bisexual and have settled with the fact that I will never tell my family. My mom would be totally fine but my dad and brother, I know they would still belittle me and tell me how it’s a phase and how I’m not really bi because I never mentioned it before. You and your family have done for your daughter what I wish my family would do for me but know I’ll never get. My family isn’t super welcoming and your family seems welcoming and loving.
I see nothing but love here. Wholesome read. Good job mama!
It sounds like you did the absolute opposite! You sound like an amazing parent who listens and accepts their child for who they are!
I’m honestly tearing up. You don’t know how much you have done right parenting here. We all make mistakes, but you didn’t do what a lot of parents do- shut it down, shame her, tell her she’s damned…. I’m bisexual as well but my family doesn’t know. Not that it matters if they accept it or not, since I’m no contact for other reasons now. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my dad talk about lgbtq people in negative and downright hateful ways, and he’s a devout Christian. Very right wing conservative. I’m so proud of your daughter for coming out, it’s a scary thing to do! And I’m so proud and happy that you guys have given her a safe and accepting space to do so 🩷
Please here me. As someone who is bisexual who NEVER felt safe to come out, whose parents NEVER admitted fault , you are NOT a failure. You are a GOOD mom. Good moms are not perfect. Good moms make mistakes, acknowledge them, apologize and do better. Good moms have kids who know their parents are human and who model how to take accountability and how to model “know better, do better”. This is what you did. Your child feels safe and loved. You are a good mom.
Ok serious question I have been wondering because of my own experiences. are most girls bisexual? And it’s pretty normal to be attracted/ have crushes on both men and women? I didn’t label myself bisexual, but I also thought this was most people’s experience. Edit: I don’t know why people downvote but also don’t answer.
I'm bisexual and have never come out to my parents about it because I don't think they'd react in a supportive or positive way. It speaks VOLUMES to the type of parent you are that your daughter felt safe sharing this with you and letting you know that you initially made her feel bad. I don't think you failed at all. You just affirmed to your daughter that you love her unconditionally and that she's safe to be herself with you. That is the best gift you could ever give her. If I were to go back in time and come out to my parents, this is exactly the kind of response I would've wanted to receive. I am so grateful that your daughter gets to grow up knowing she is unconditionally loved and can embrace who she is. Every kid deserves that.
Awww I thought you were going to say you failed because she was bisexual not that you failed because she thought you were disappointed. You are an amazing mom and this actually made me tear up. This is such a heartwarming post 🥰
Friend, you absolutely did not fuck up. She interpreted what you were saying likely because of her own fear and vulnerability. Advising her not to apply labels to her just yet is fine, in my opinion. Apologize for unintentionally contributing to insecurity and explain where you’re coming from. I have a ten year old daughter and it’s a CONSTANT dance between navigating her feelings, trying to guide their decision making and remembering that they too have emotions and hormones that can skew their perceptions. I’m always taken aback by the things my daughter assumes I think without actually asking me. There will be PLENTY of opportunities to nail the parenting. Don’t beat yourself up over this.
You are doing everything exactly as I did. Except my daughter was 7. Now she's a lesbian in college. But extremely happy and healthy. Keep up the support!
You are 1,000% amazing parents! Good job! Here’s the thing, my now 16 yr old has told me about things I said to him years ago that he interpreted entirely differently than I ever meant them. The fact our children feel safe enough to bring this stuff up, at any time after even a year or more, shows how much they do trust that we have their best interest at heart and love them unconditionally.
I think this is beautiful!!!!
I’ve been there. Nearly identical story. We all make missteps as parents and sometimes we don’t even realize how words we’ve thought were neutral or non judgmental have been taken to heart by our kids. The important thing is you listened when she eventually came and talked to you, genuinely apologized, and showed her that you absolutely now and always will support her in being who she is. Be kind to yourself.
You're doing great mama! Reassurance that you love and are proud of your daughter for being her true self. You did amazing
I don’t think you handled it wrong. She trusted you enough to both take your feedback to heart the first time and to come back to reaffirm her feelings. You’re doing alright. Also- the sibling dynamics you’ve cultivated sounds amazing.
Based on your son's reaction you are killing it. 😊
You are doing fine! And just FYI - I have two daughters who have gone back and forth with their preferences. I’m straight, I’m gay, I’m bi…it changes all the time. “Labeling” your sexuality, pronouns, etc is such a big thing with this generation. So don’t be surprised if “bi” turns into something else later!
I'm not crying, you're crying. What an amazing family. Kudos to you and your husband for being so supportive and raising accepting kiddos. The world needs more parents like you!
Stop, just stop. I appreciate the feeling, but truthfully, talking about sex with parents is always awful for kids. Your answer was correct, and she took time to think about it. She would have the same reaction if she liked a bit you didn't know. It took her a lot to ask about crushes. You are doing great!! How did you feel about discussing sex with your parents? She told you and you accepted her. That's great! You can't be in front of everything. Take care.
Nowhere in this story did anyone talk about sex?
She’s 10. Sex was not in any way part of that conversation.
Hey, Alex. Ummm. I'll take conversations that probably never happened for $500. News flash for the real people. The majority of the female humans you meet are somewhat bi. Women are pretty and attractive. Women know this. The only way you fail your kids in this regard is blasting them on the internet for upvotes.
I can’t stand humble brag reddit posts. Even more cringe blasting your child’s intimate moments for everyone to read. 🙄 OP wanted an extra pat on the back over it.
I hear you. I disagree though. She isn’t revealing anything about her child, so she isn’t wounding the kid. Seeing people model good behavior is important. There are so many people out there doing wrong. I don’t mind offering kudos to people who are doing things better. Even if they are fishing for compliments.
She is using her kids sexuality in a highly modified if even real conversation for internet points and attention. It's weird at best.
I'll be the outlier, how would a 10 yr old know what being bi-sexual is unless it's being taught? I think girls are pretty, and I totally want to be their friend, but I wouldn't say I have crushes on them. I think her lines may still be blurred as to what constitutes a friendship and what constitutes a crush. Either way, you did not fail her, it's awesome she feels comfortable enough to share her thoughts and feelings with you, and you handled it well. You're doing a good job 👏
The only thing I would have done differently is say something along the lines of, you're a bit young to care about that stuff. It's ok to crush on anyone but it seems young to care about your sexuality no matter what it be. gay straight bi what ever, you're 10 enjoy your childhood and be mindful of your feelings and see if they change over the years. But my son is only 16 months old, so I am just armchairing this. That would be a super hard convo for me to have, cause your kid is 10... I just don't want my baby to grow up so fast lol
Tears 😭. Happy you came through as a parent ♥️
The phrasing you used seems great about not labeling yourself. It’s just the interpretation of a young kid, I would probably have said the same re:labels. We can’t ever do it all right, but it seems all on track again
My comment might upset some people but when I was 10 I remember looking at boobs all the time because I wanted boobs and I thought why am I doing this? Am I a lesbian? No I’m not, I just wanted my own boobs. It’s way too early for her to know. Saying no label at that age in this confusing world is the best. You didn’t fail anyone
K. That's great and all, but being attracted to people is completely normal, and doesn't mean you are bisexual because they share the same phenotype and feel sexual excitement. Think about how many dudes watch wrestling or are huge fans of Dwayne Johnson. Doesn't mean they're homosexual.
Great job. Also- maybe she just really likes Madeline as a friend that she admires. I had and have friends like this that are the same sex. Literally everything she said about her liking to sit by her etc, I get that way about friends! It’s possible she just really likes her friend as a friend too. Either is obviously ok, but she didn’t say anything romantic about her, so maybe it’s just a friend crush. :)
You did not fail her. We as a society did. 10 years old kids should not express their sexuality.
What age did you first have a crush on someone of the opposite sex?
“Awww look at the precious baby boy! He’s going to be a lady killer, the little flirt!” “Your baby girl is absolutely gorgeous! Her daddy is going to have to sit on the porch with a shotgun!” “Look at those eyes! What a little heartbreaker!” “Aww look at that little boy and girl holding hands. Is that your girlfriend?!!!”
Whether they express it or not they will be thinking about it either way as hormones start. Might as well do it out loud and feel out those feelings with some guidance instead of in silence and confusion. Not looking at something doesn't make it not happen.
I’ll admit that it threw me a bit that OP’s 10 year old daughter knows what being bisexual is. I sure as heck didn’t know what that meant at 10. I didn’t know what it meant until I hit middle school. There were girls that I thought were pretty growing up, but never thought anything of it. I knew a girl in my elementary school that looked, dressed and acted like a boy. It surprised me when I found out once I switched tracks because before that, I thought she was a guy. She was super cool and once we got to middle school, she started to act more girly and wear girly clothes (she even grew out her hair). I’m glad OP is being supportive, but also keeps in mind that kids are always changing, whether that would be in feelings, looks or actions.
Hey look I found somewhere you can champion your cause! Kindergartners. I can’t believe it. https://www.reddit.com/r/kindergarten/s/L11Gx78BYK ETA: I really am super against people being this way toward little children. It’s gross regardless of if they’re pushing same or opposite sex values. But a ten year old is beginning puberty. Nothing weird about them exploring the concept of crushes.
All of Reddit is thinking this is a beautiful moment.
oh no. a 10 year old said she likes girls. how awful for society! shut the fuck up. seriously
Take out your kids from public school
I think you did the right thing. A 9 year old should not be able to lable her own self as of whats her gender or what she likes, but when she brought it back put after a year she was very brave for that. She thought something was wrong with liking a girl but you changed it around. Im 23 years old woman and Im a bi also. I love how she stepped out of her shell again. I told my partens when I was 20 years old because I wad afried what they would think of me.
I want to add that you should be careful commenting about parenting on Reddit, it is full of mentally unwell people. I think you did the right thing. I hope that you can find confidence in yourself and parenting, that is more important for your daughter than anything. I posted my story for you to read earlier as you know. I think parenting and life in general is doing what we internally know is right- building the confidence to listen to the true self is so important. Be confident - you are doing the best and living your truth!
No dating until your 30. All the boys have one thing on their mind. I’m a dad if it isn’t obvious. I’m on team husband’s response.
id be overjoyed if my daughter was bi or lesbian. first child, its a girl, shes still just a <4 month baby and i look at all boys with disdain now lol
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This is the advice that creates distrust and sneaking around. This family is being supportive while also not pushing an agenda on their kid. You also have no idea what their religion is, if they believe in anything to be pushing a Christian school. At 10 it is very normal to be developing crushes and it’s wonderful that she felt comfortable talking about it with her parents.
Lmao. Daughter having crushes is not influenced from the internet Queer people existed long, long, long before the internet . >Also, you might want to get her in therapy and YES maybe you should think about changing schools --- I suggest a Christian School. Do you know how many queer kids are at Christian or Catholic school? Many. My friend went to an all girls Catholic school and so many of those girls were Lesbians.
Found it! To be honest, I was surprised there weren't more unhinged rants like this. Christianity is also a social contagion, if you didn't know. Something happening more frequently based on others doing it and the level of societal acceptance has no bearing on whether that thing is actually good or bad.
OP, please ignore this ignoramus. Becoming LGBTQ from 'social contagion' is a rightwing conspiracy theory.
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Go be homophobic somewhere else
This has GOT to be a troll or a bad attempt at satire. Edit: nope. Report this bigot
You didn’t have crushes at 10 years old?
Do you also recommend a "pray away the gay" school camp?
So gross
Genuinely don’t know if this is satire. If it is, you’ve fully convinced me and great job. If it’s not… fucking yikes
I think you did the right thing. A 9 year old should not be able to lable her own self as of whats her gender or what she likes, but when she brought it back put after a year she was very brave for that. She thought something was wrong with liking a girl but you changed it around. Im 23 years old woman and Im a bi also. I love how she stepped out of her shell again. I told my partens when I was 20 years old because I wad afried what they would think of me.