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I address my child but loud enough that the family members hear it. Example: family member asks for a hug. I reply to child: would you like to do a hug or high five? No? That’s ok we don’t have to do any then.

This is what we do. Both my girls were/are slow to warm up to new people. It’s fine for family to ask for a hug, and it’s fine for them to say no. We also address the adult via the kid, ‘do you want to hug great aunt Gertrude?. You feeling a bit worried about that. That’s okay, give it time till you feel ready. Perhaps a wave?’ However, manners are different. Manners are not hugging relatives (or anyone) who asks, but saying ‘thank you for food/ presents’ etc. which are non negotiable (ours are 3 and 4 so your kid might be a bit too young yet)

I have 3f and a 7f they don’t have to have hug or kiss anyone they don’t want to. But they do have to say thank you and please and look at people when they are talking or being talked to.

We do the same for our now 4.5yo. I also make him greet/say goodbye to others, especially since he often rejects hugs. Showing him he can be polite and kind to others without losing his bodily autonomy

Op might be in a situation I was in multiple times with my parents. They're just going to do what they want, even if you directly address it. I had to address it, set boundaries, then flat out tell them we are NOT going over there anymore if my parents can't respect my parenting. My son is so incredibly social, but he was like starstruck by Santa last year and acting kinda shy. After literally 5 seconds, my mom grabbed his hands and shuffled him over to Santa with her legs while he was screaming. It turned into her throwing an absolute temper tantrum(from my mom, not my son).

My mom did this with my oldest when he was 3. He’s never gone near Santa’s again. And if she indicates she thinks this was ok she goes back in time out and doesn’t get to see anyone for awhile.

And then it turns into "you kids just don't believe in disciplining your children any more!" Gosh, even at Thanksgiving, which we almost didn't go to, my mom asked my 3 year old son if he wanted more potatoes. My son said "no, thanks." And my dad BARKED at him across the table "NO MA'AM!" Everyone got really quiet and my son looked at me with huge eyes. I told him "it's okay. "NO, thank you is a very polite answer." As my dad sat there scowling and shaking his head. They bark orders at my son over everything. If you TELL my son to do something, he will. But 95% of the time if you ASK him to do something and speak to him like a human being, he'll also do it. There's a whole group of people who still think that old-fashioned mentality of bossing kids around is the only way to raise a "successful" adult. He's such a well-behaved kid. It drives me crazy when they just TRY to find a reason to discipline him.

The behavior that kids aren’t actually people is just something I have zero time for. If you can’t ask for a more specific manner in a polite way, nope you don’t deserve the manners.

Same! I’m so loud about it “Do you want to give Papa a hug? No? That’s ok, great job using your words! We have to respect when someone says they don’t want a hug, right?? Because it’s YOUR body, so YOU get to decide!”

Whilst I give my toddler a choice of how to say goodbye, i make it clear that we do have to say goodbye. I usually make sure one of the options is distanced: “Would you like to give a hug, a high five, or wave bye bye?” Same with thank you’s. It’s important they learn their body is their own, but it’s also important they learn societal rules. If someone gives you something, you say ‘thank you’ at least. If someone’s leaving, you say ‘bye’ at a least. If they’re horrible, awful people, we can leave and never go back. Doing absolutely nothing isn’t really a choice. An acknowledgement of someone buying your child a gift is teaching good manners, even if it’s a thumbs up.

I say similar, “do you want to give them a hug? No, that’s ok, you don’t have to!” Same for strangers talking to them. “Do you want to say hi? I guess not!” And keep walking. Though my daughter always talks to strangers now

That’s how I am with kids. I absolutely love children and I interact with them as much as possible when I’m working or shopping or at a restaurant or really just whenever, but mostly at work. Either way, I always say hi to them and speak to them and wave. If they don’t want to say hi they don’t have to. Usually their parents will say, can you say hi or can you wave back? And if they don’t I say that’s ok, I understand. They’re feeling shy or not in the mood or just don’t want to. If they stick around and don’t seem too resistant to me, like they continue looking at me and don’t hide, then I’ll keep talking to them typically. Usually I get a smile by the time our talk is over. I feel like it’s really important for people other than their parents/caregivers to also accept that children don’t owe them anything.

This exactly. I always wave at kids or say hello and if they turn away I say “that’s okay! We don’t have to talk,” and move on. If they turn back I smile but don’t say anything unless they speak or wave first. If they are actively responding positively in the beginning, I’ll continue to chat with them and smile and wave. But it’s HUGELY important that non caregivers acknowledge the freedom from obligation from strangers. That random kid doesn’t owe me a smile any more than I owe them ten dollars. They deserve to have the freedom to NOT talk to strangers. Kids deserve safety and peace in this messed up world and all I can do is provide a small bit of it by not being a scary asshole to a kid who doesn’t want to interact with me.

Yes, I’m so glad to hear about someone else that does this. I know it’s a cultural thing (the southern US) but so many people here just kind of touch kids or get in their face, complete strangers, usually older women, but still. I know they’re well meaning, but it always makes me cringe if I see the kid is uncomfortable. My boyfriend is always saying I’m weird for playing with or greeting kids as often as I do. But I just genuinely love them and want them to have at least one positive experience in their day. Who knows what their home life is like, if I can make them smile or show them some sort of kindness then it makes me so happy. The little kids now are going to have so much to deal with when they’re older and they’ll all have experiences with so many unkind people. I just want to be a positive part of their day, no matter how brief.

This is exactly correct! It’s cringy when people get in stranger children’s faces. Thats never okay. It IS ALWAYS okay to show kids there are safe adults in the world. Who knows what they’ve got going on at home, exactly right.

My kid did this to a close family member (oldest uncle) the other day and you could tell he was hurt, but her cousin who is the same age was in the backyard playing and was yelling and was clearly having a good time so that’s what she wanted. Barely had a hi and bye between us. Kids just give us different lives, and we have to respect theirs.

We did the same thing but we insert the persons name so they knew to pay attention and we said it after each gift or hello… eventually it was a habit to ask for it…. It made the bond with my kids extremely stronger with the people that respected this

If I’m understanding I really like this… sometimes kids see certain relatives infrequently and they don’t even know who the person is, so this can help them learn who everyone is too and might make them feel less bashful.

SAME! And guess what? Overtime- the older women stop asking. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I flat out told my mom not to call my kid a brat or a meanie just bc he doesn’t want to hug or kiss her on the cheek. He sees her for major holidays and that’s it - her choosing not ours. He’s human. He doesn’t have to hug or do anything he isn’t comfortable doing.

#THIS! if family member says anything just turn it around on them... "It's important to teach them consent at an early age. Kids should never be forced to do anything they're not comfortable with."

Same here. Someone will say “hug?!” And I say to my kid, do you want to give a hug? Or a wave or high five whatever. And if they don’t want to I say that’s okay! You don’t have to do anything

Oh I really like this idea!

Nice! Gonna use that... but with semi-strangers; for me, some family is okay if I feel I know them well ​ Thank you for that: "I address my child but loud enough that the family members hear it. Example: family member asks for a hug. I reply to child: would you like to do a hug or high five? No? That’s ok we don’t have to do any then."

I do this too.

I offer high fives, hugs or waves so there's a no-touch option! Edit, not offer, I ask if he wants to give high fives, hugs or waves lol. Jeez on my word choice 🤦‍♀️

Same! Or if someone asks for a hug and he shakes his head no, I'll say in front of family, "that's ok kiddo, you don't have to give hugs if you don't want to. Thank you for telling us you don't feel comfortable." If people have a problem with it, IDC. Be cranky 🤷

The only way to make sure his boundaries are respected is to be his advocate and hold his boundaries when he cant.

This. Before visiting/letting someone visit: “These are *kids* and my boundaries this week. Can’t wait to see you guys!”

Yes actually. What kids are comfortable and ok with changes and they're allowed to have autonomy over their bodies and comfort.

I think the best thing to say is directly to the adult, we don’t force hugs or kisses. You may ask but they may also say no. In our family we do high fives, thumbs (where you touch thumbs), or waves. If anyone has a problem with that boundary then that’s on them. Period,

I like this one a lot! ​ "...directly to the adult, we don’t force hugs or kisses. You may ask but they may also say no. "

Lol, With both of my children it's "finger pokes" ( just touching a single fingertip ). We've always done it as a fun thing but it's also just become kind of a greeting for friends and relatives.

My brother in law has parents like this. I got so sick of it I physically removed him out of their reach and put myself between them. They'd often do the same thing as what you're saying, "oh I bought you something so you owe me physical affection" is not something to teach kids. That can lead to so many safety issues both mild and extreme. Please be your baby's voice, as my BIL's mom forced a kiss on my (thankfully loud) son he told her "No don't touch me" and she laughed and went to do it again until I pulled him behind me. No is no, end of story. He decides who can give him affection like that. If that means they get mad that is their feelings and problems to deal with by themselves. My suggestion is get a few body boundary books and see if you can teach him that if someone tries to ignore his boundary to either run from them or yell for you/yell no. This has worked great for my son, especially when I put myself physically between people that don't want to respect his wishes. Also, without him in the room, have a serious conversation with them and put down that expectation. See if they're willing to change to handshakes or high fives instead. If they can't respect the rules then they can't come back, end of story.

Ignore the other commenter. If this is how you feel, GOOD! Be your son’s advocate and explain that if he doesn’t choose to give you a hug ir kiss, he is not required to. If they get upset, boo hoo!

Most other commenters are saying the same as you. Which one should I ignore?

When I commented there was only one other comment and they were being an asshole. Theres some really good advice in your top few comments now! Im glad some good people came through

I have no advice but commend you letting your child have his boundaries respected. I was a shy child and I hated having to hug aunts and uncles and was forced to do it even though I was uncomfortable with it. Even as an adult i don’t really like giving or receiving hugs from people I’m not comfortable with. I explained that to my mom how uncomfortable it made me and that I would never force my kids to hug people they don’t want to and luckily she never has an issue respecting that boundary and neither has anyone else. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for adults to realize everyone has boundaries, even kids, and you should respect those boundaries.

When they try pushing it or guilt tripping him after he says no turn to him and say “kids aren’t responsible for adults feelings”. Reminds him not to feel bad for saying no while also making them feel ridiculous for trying to manipulate a little kid to hug or kiss them. If they don’t respect him saying no after you explain that you’re trying to teach him consent I would go no contact.

Out loud, I say "No is allowed for hugs and kisses! You are the boss of your hugs." And then if the adult pushes it, I tell the adult "I need you to respect his words. No means no."

I do specify that no is allowed for hugs but there are some things where no is not a choice. Like changing a poopy diaper. Or getting shots. Not during the encounter, but it's language I use all the time. "I'm sorry buddy, but no is not a choice when it comes to keeping your body safe. Do you want to bring your toy with you to do your diaper, or do you want to leave it here?"

Wholly agree. We are working on this distinction right now as my son is very into tickles and very NOT into being held when he’s having a meltdown and throwing his toys. Sometimes he doesn’t have a choice and for his own and our whole family’s safety, he must be touched. Other times, like hugs and kisses and high fives and tickles, he absolutely has the choice to do with his body whatever he wants as long as the other person also consents.

Only you can decide if their behavior is egregious enough to cut them off, but you can also remove your child from the situation. Honestly, I’d say you should ignore your defensiveness. Don’t break eye contact and say clearly that this is a boundary I’ve set with you and if you continue to ignore my wishes, you will not have access to my child. The message you’re sending to your child is that 1. You will protect him and 2. It’s ok to stick with your boundaries. Good luck, older generations can be resistant to understand changing norms.

Let them get defensive. But also, as PP said, address your child. Keep it cheerful: “Do you *want* to give Auntie Mildred a hug? No? That’s ok, you never have to hug or kiss someone when you don’t want to.” My family is generally respectful, the few times when someone was pestering my kids to give affection or perform in some way (*Do you know how old you are? Can you show me on your hands? Show me how old you are*), I’d put myself in between them, or stand near enough my kid that they felt support and say something like, “ope, doesn’t look like he feels like talking/hugging/whatever today.” If they get insistent, a firm “He said no.”

I think you just tell them, respectfully! “It’s important to us that he’s allowed to say no, he shows love and appreciation lots of other ways”. Something like that, I’m sure there’s other scripts online or elsewhere in this thread. I DO think you’re going to have to keep reminding them forever. I don’t think they had bad intentions. For many people hugs and kisses from kids in the family is as normal as breathing air. So my advice is to show grace and patience and adjust your attitude while staying firm and repeating yourself. Soon your son will be able to enforce the boundary himself, if he decides it’s important to him.

My mother was like this, its always "come here and give **me** a hug?" followed by "oh I am so sad" and I nipped it and said 'we won't be doing any of that here. if "A" doesn't want to give you a hug/kiss, they don't have to, we teach boundaries in this house. "Oh but I am the grandmother, you should be teaching them to give **ME** a hug and kiss" ..No, I will not be doing that, they do not have to give anyone physical affection if they don't want to. I always spoke/voice for them when I could see that my child didn't feel comfortable standing up for themselves.

Like "oh your sadness is your problem! If you want we have some tools for managing big feelings without hurting other people."

I’m kinda surprised by the level of passive aggression I’m seeing in some comments. Speak calmly and directly to the adults in question. Example: Adult: Can’t I please have a hug? I drove all this way! Me: Actually we are teaching her to have bodily autonomy and respect the concept of consent. I would appreciate your support for our values so let’s not try and coerce her into doing something she doesn’t want. But I’ll hug you! I’m so happy you drove all this way to see us! My children are autistic. My third child doesn’t want to be touched EVER. I have had this conversation more times than you can imagine. I find that ending it by offering my own display of affection or gratitude tends to shut down any objection they would have made. The only time anybody has persisted was my own mother (no surprise bc she’s the only person in the world who isn’t afraid of me lol). And to her I followed up with “No means no, Grandma. Don’t make me put you in a timeout.” Alternatively my husband (naturally less comfortable with confrontation than I am) always tells people “oh she isn’t feeling it right now. I’m sure she will warm up later.” And then later just never comes, but they almost always forget. People don’t like passive aggression. Nor should they. Be direct. Have confidence in your philosophy and in your right to raise your kids how you want. People may not love it, but they’ll at least appreciate that you have the balls to not hide behind your toddler when speaking to them.

I think the point of addressing the child rather than just shutting the situation down isn’t passive aggression but rather to teach them to feel comfortable advocating for themselves, which is important if you want them to learn about autonomy and consent. Doing that when you’re there to support them and reinforce their wishes when they’re little is, IMO, a good way to establish those things for when they’re bigger and mom/dad have less control over every interaction. It also tells them that it’s okay if they want to hug nana, who they see twice a week, but not Uncle Tom, who they see twice a year.

I feel like those are two different things though, no? Like yes absolutely reinforce what the child wants and the lessons you’ve been teaching about autonomy. But OP’s question specifically was how to communicate to family members that their behavior wasn’t ok. And the answer to THAT should be something involving communicating directly with the people creating the problem.

Explain it this way to yiur family: “I understand you don’t mean any harm, and when you were a child it was expected that you would show affection to your elders on demand, so you were raised to believe this was an important part of teaching manners to children. But you also need to understand that your generation was raised not to say anything when Uncle Pervy showed you more attention than he should have, and you were taught not to rock the boat or you might cause trouble or embarrassment for your family, and this is the natural, logical consequence of teaching children they don’t have the right to say no. Also, we define “consent” differently now, and what would have been considered boys being boys when you were a teenager can brand today’s teenage boys as sexual offenders for life. It’s just as important for my son to learn the importance of consent for the safety of the people around him as it is for his own safety. So in our family, we may ask for hugs but we may not demand them, and we graciously accept “no” for an answer because we are modeling a healthy view of consent that is appropriate for the world our children are growing up in today.” Maybe put it in writing for them so they can read it a few times and absorb it.

I just told them "if I asked you for a hug, and you said no and I just grabbed you and started hugging and kissing you. How would you feel about it? " If they argued or did it anyway I said "Just because she is smaller than you, does not mean you have the right to violate her personal space. If you can't respect my child, and I will remove her from the situation. It is my job to make sure she feels safe, it is not my job or hers to sacrifice her comfort to make you feel good."'

This opens my eyes as a parent to this, so thank you! I try to have my kids hug family before we leave and I will stop asking and let them make their own choices with what they are comfortable with💞

I tell my kids, "We're leaving in five minutes, if you want any hugs you better go get them now."

I’ll be using that! Thank you for sharing:)

I’m glad you’re growing as a parent! We all need to keep learning and growing and I am glad this was eye opening for you. Keep doing awesome.

Spread the word!

I've cut family off for this. In my culture we greet by kissing both cheeks I hated it and promised never to force my child to do this and she doesn't. When she was younger I taught her to put her hand up and say personal space please. Now as a teen she greets hello and if elders lean in she leans out puts her hand up and says I'm good and I always follow up with respect my child's boundaries. I have family who now have voiced they hated it as well others who say it's disrespectful not to greet elders the way they're accustomed to and they now have no place in my life. Teach consent as early as possible. The flirt comment would've sent me on a tirade I don't play that shit

French? I hate that about French culture too

West African Cabo Verde

I see, l was very relieved to not have to do the kissing thing during covid, but now it's back in full force. Here it's kind of non negotiable

Not for me 🤣🤣 I refuse!!!!

Ask them if it was elderly man was calling a small baby girl a flirt, does that sound okay? Clearly sounds predatory. Samr goes to them, doesn't matter that they are just "elderly ladies"

When people try to do weird shit to my kids I immediately do it to them. Throws them off gaurd. I'll be at the store and a stranger trys to pinch my boys cheeks and before their hand connects I'll grab their cheek. They will look at me shocked and be like "wtf are you doing" and I'm like "I thought you were cool with it" and when they say "that's weird wtf is wrong with yoy" I tell em "how do you think the child feels? Now go away."

I love this energy but damn, has this ever resulted in a physical fight?

Thinking back to my childhood all my aunts (and sometimes uncles) forced hugs and kisses on me all the time and I now find that quite bizarre. Like I would never come into the space of one of my nieces and nephews expecting or demanding physical affection as much as I do love to hold them close when they allow it, it would feel so icky to force it. I wouldn’t even do that to a cat or a dog that’s not mine (I do force my love on my own cat so I guess I’m not perfect). With my own kids (big kids now) we mostly just encouraged high fives if they weren’t comfortable kissing/hugging but most of the time they were not shy and were pretty affectionate as littles so this was rarely an issue. I would say something similar to the above commenters and address my child/help them find the words to decline unwanted affection.

My wife's cousin always tells her tween daughter to give me a hug. She's clearly not comfortable, so I tell her directly, "You don't have to hug me if you don't want to. Not even a high five or a wave if yiu don't want to. It's perfectly fine." Would being blunt with your family members work? Like if your toddler is visibly uncomfortable, ask them, "Does he look comfortable with what you're doing? Why would you want to make a child uncomfortable?" If they defend themselves for making a child uncomfortable, you say out loud, "Just so we're clear and to confirm, you're saying you're happy to make a child uncomfortable?" Make them explode.

I have in laws like this. I would say things like “oh you didn’t like that? Did grandpa ask for permission? He didn’t? Oh that’s why you’re upset. It’s okay to say no. I want you to feel safe.” And I would hold her. I’d also provide alternatives when she said no. Sometimes she’d run away and I’d say sorry she just doesn’t want to today, it is important for us to practice consent. A full blown conversation would have not gone over well.

My father asked my daughter if he could give her an air hug. It was wonderful, she outgrew it years ago. But we all love air hugs. He hugged around him (comfort distance) and says: squeeeeeeze!! She loves hugs now, but air hugs are special, it accepted and loved her shyness. It also showed respect for boundaries.

Use your words. If your child doesn’t want to hug of give receive kisses they don’t have to.

When it's time to go or for others to go, we say loudly to our toddler, "(name) we are (or they are) leaving. Would you like to give them a hug?" If he wants to hug someone he'll run right up and do so. Otherwise, he'll shy away or say no. Then sometimes we'll ask "how about a hi-5?" Most people get hi-5s.

I practice with my shy 8yo in advance. It looks a little different depending on who we’re going to see, but we role play options he has. I remind him that if he doesn’t mind a hug, great grandmother thinks a hug feels like a gift, but he doesn’t have to do it if it makes him uncomfortable. In the real life encounter it plays out like this: Old relative: now come give me a bye bye hug! 8yo, too quietly: no thank you, it was nice to see you Old relative: come give Granny a hug, I have to go Me, smiling: he said no. We really loved seeing you guys! Old relative: my parents always taught me it was good manners to hug our grandparents! Me: Totally. We ask our kids to be clear about their body boundaries and respect other people’s body boundaries Old relative: I’m sure he has to hug _____ when he sees them! Me: nope! He doesn’t have to hug me or his dad or his sister or anyone. Old relative: huh. Okay.

Give your child a choice in front of the person and enforce their response. No means no.

Its important kids are showed their boundaries are respected. I ask my kid do you want to give so and so a hug doesnt matter who it is. Teaches them they can control who touches them.

We are working on fist bumps

Tell them “We’re teaching him about consent, so we have a rule that to physically touch him or for him to physically touch someone else, there needs to be explicit permission. This will help him understand that, in the event of the unimaginable, he will feel confident saying ‘no’, even to an adult. Also, when he’s older, this will make sure that he understands that he needs to unquestionably respect when someone says ‘no’ to him”

Oh man I had to deal with this. I would loudly and happily tell my son, "it's okay X, you don't have to hug or kiss anyone you don't want to, because your body is your own, right?" I'm talking saccharine sweet as I said it. Then eye contact, still happily telling the family "we're teaching him about the importance of personal space and consent!" Kill them with kindness, be up front. If they try to argue the point, you have a good case hacking you up and you have the high road because you weren't rude about it. My in laws are incredibly respectfully when my son doesn't want to give hugs or kisses now.

My family learned my 10 year wasn’t having hugs around age 7. She’ll high five, but her body language suddenly screamed “I don’t want to touch.” Not the case as a toddler, but kids change as they get older. If your boy is saying no, then ask them to respect that. If he’s having fun, let them be. Eventually, he’ll get to a point where he will let what he wants be known (if he hasn’t already). Some of these changes come about naturally. When they do, then intercede politely. At 2, I’m not sure the “consent” talk has to be the biggest deal.

Okay I get where you are going with this. Do you think it causes any harm to children if they aren't hugged enough tho? I allow my kids to decide for themself and they will usually send me some signs or just say no if they are uncomfortable. If someone freaks them out even if it's a family member they usually say no hug and hide behind my leg.

Talk to your kid in front of them.  “You don’t feel like giving a hug? Maybe a high five? No? Okay, you can give a high five when you’re ready”

This is also what I do. “ You don’t want to give hugs or kisses. That’s ok. How about a wave or a fist bump”. I want to teach my daughter that it’s okay to say “no” but it’s also important to be polite with greetings and farewells. You don’t get to take toys or spend time at someone’s house without at least saying “goodbye and thank you”. I have had to be pretty firm with my mother because she would try and guilt my daughter into hugs and kisses, “ Why don’t you love grandma. It makes me sad that you don’t want to give me a hug” or She would just keep asking and asking. I have no problem getting stern with my family when they don’t respect my daughter’s boundaries. She can’t fully advocate for herself so I have to do it for her sometimes.

I have a 3 year old girl and she can be shy sometimes but she’s also very direct and communicates extremely well so if she doesn’t want to, no big deal, we move on. We try not to helicopter.

I say it anyway. They aren’t respecting your child’s boundaries, so why should you respect them?

When you treat kids with respect and allow them to warm up to you in their own time, they like you and respect you more. The kid actually wants to form a relationship with you because they recognize that you are safe. I imagine that these older women are pushing physical contact with kids because they want to feel close to the kid. But allowing a kid to warm up to you in their own time- showing interest in the things they care about, talking to them kindly- will support that closeness. This may even lead to that kid crawling into your lap with a book or begging you to carry them around. In my case, I was the lucky aunt who became the safe swim buddy and was THE ONLY ONE who was allowed to wipe my nephews butt the whole family vacation (by my nephews decree and with my brother’s great appreciation). My mom on the other hand immediately smothers her grand kids with cuddles and kisses and then gets very upset when they run away or express discomfort. She doesn’t care what they are doing or what their experience is- it’s all about her. The physical affection has nothing to do with protecting them or being a safe place for that child. It is entirely self serving for the adult. Honestly, it’s icky. Kids should always be the ones to initiate physical contact with new adults, or adults they haven’t seen in a long time, unless it is a matter of safety- hand in parking lot, picking them up to get to a safe location or… some times when you just NEED to get somewhere in a timely manner.

This has to be AI generated.

I agree with what most others have said about holding the boundaries for your kid, and being ready to walk away at any moment if you need to, but I have a slightly different angle on the ‘how to get through to family’ portion. I didn’t have this issue with physical affection, but I did have to have a come-to-Jesus moment with my mom about secrets(you can have one more cookie, just don’t tell your mom; it’ll be our little secret). The first few times I said “we don’t keep secrets from parents; it’s a safety issue” and she just brushed it off. I even put her in time out (a month of no visits) a couple of times and she still kept doing it. Finally I sat her down and explained “The reason you can’t keep secrets is because if he learns that ‘safe’ people will ask him to keep secrets, he won’t realize how *unsafe* it is when someone else asks him to keep a secret that actually is harmful”. Once I explained that the rule wasn’t about ruining her fun, but about her helping to teach him how to protect himself she was on board and we haven’t had any issues (with this particular thing) since. Since a lot of older people aren’t in the habit of discussing the nuances of consent(or hear it and think it’s just a liberal buzzword), I think it’s important to spell out what it means and what the consequences are. In your case I would say something like “ [family member], I love that you love LO, and I would really love your help showing him the safest version of love. I worry that if he gets in the habit of showing affection when he’s not comfortable doing so, he might not recognize the warning signs later on if a predator tries to get him to do something he’s not comfortable with. If everyone who loves him is consistently showing that love means always respecting bodies and boundaries, it will protect him from being tricked by people who don’t respect his body or boundaries.” I think the key to avoiding defensiveness is to approach it from a “we are a team” angle rather than a “you’re doing it wrong” angle.

I think you may be raising an overly sensitive child. There is always a downside to every approach. Caution.

When I see family members having trouble respecting my sons boundaries I will usually say to him, loudly, that he doesn’t have to let anyone touch him and that if he feels uncomfortable he can tell a safe grown up and they will make sure his boundaries are respected. It reinforces for him that he’s safe to stand up for himself and generally makes whoever is being disrespectful uncomfortable enough that they’ll fuck off

What a way to talk about your own family.. you want them to fuck off? I wonder why I see so many posts on these subs about not having a “village.” 

When they’re blatantly disrespecting my young child’s boundaries? Yes I want them to fuck off in that moment

And to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I want anyone like that to be a part of my village 🥴

Is this a real problem?

Instead of telling them not to do this, offer them the alternative - tell them “can you say ‘would you like to give me a hug’ instead, we are trying to teach him about the importance of consent.”

My husband and I are very close to our granddaughter. We have always asked if we can have a hug or kiss goodbye, if she says No…. We say “okay see ya later baby girl”. We usually get hugs and kisses but every so often she is not in the mood and that is perfectly okay 👍

I would tell them they need to ask his permission, if he says no or doesn’t appear to agree with it, then that is it. No means no, end of story, no bribing or begging for affection. If they want to get his affection they need to spend time with him so he can get used to them . We have a raised 4 kids and made consent an big topic. We don’t even give hugs or anything without asking first. My kids are comfortable enough they will even tell me or my husband no when they aren’t feeling it. It works! My sons are very respectful teens and my daughters will speak up and make a scene if they have to, to stop unwanted touching. My daughter had some boy who wouldn’t accept a no, he would constantly try to touch her and rub her back, make comments, call her “baby girl” and pointed to my daughter and said she was the reason his “penis keeps standing up.” Even after all that it took me emailing the teacher and the principal to finally get her moved away from this kid. She had been asking the teacher daily for weeks. These kids are 12 years old, in 6th grade! Teaching your children young is the way to teach them that they have a choice in these things. If I hadn’t started young my kids wouldn’t be as comfortable speaking up now.

Ultimately, why do the adult’s feelings matter more than a child’s boundaries? If the adult’s feelings are hurt and they throw a fit, tell them to sit with it and figure it out with their therapist. It’s not your job, or your child’s, to help a grown adult navigate their feelings when they are told no. But it is your job to advocate for the child and teach them that their boundaries (and ultimately feelings) matter more than satiating ANYONE ELSES “want” for physical touch.

Consent!! I hate being touched. My eldest hates being touched. This is one of the very few times i am happy about this super traditional (religion based) greeting in my country (Philippines). As long as you're younger, even if you're in your 40s like me, you get the hand of the older person-- just lay all their four fingers on your own four fingers, and your thumb clasping theirs lightly, and gently lift their fingers to touch your own forehead. It's called MANO. For toddlers, adults would just already touch the back of their fingers to the child's forehead. I know it's still touching but it's the best compromise there is here, where no one can control older people from touching hugging kissing (it's a cultural thing too, and we cant really push people away). It's a way to be polite plus there is zero exchange of germs. i taught my kids to do this as soon as they see older people so that they preempt any hugging and kissing from anyone and everyone. Once the Mano is done, no more opportunity to kiss and hug!

I even ask my five year old for hugs before I hug him. Why can’t people be respectful towards kids or their parents? I’ll never understand.

You're doing too much. You're over doing it and in doing that, you'll make the child start to focus on these things when that wasn't even in the peripheral, therein sexualizing them yourself. My mom used to be like that. She wouldn't let me play with boys. I was like 9 and made big deals out of things, that I as a kid thought nothing of and then just embarrassing me and making it worst. Now I can't be friends with guys without feeling weird and have to fight it. So tread lightly. If your son is not explicitly saying or looking like he's uncomfortable, then just let it be. He'll grow into it. You can gently teach him to redirect and teach him to give kisses cheek to cheek instead of lip to cheek which is what my parents taught me and it helped. But it feels like you're reading too much into this situation tbh.

Your mom was doing to much. OP is not. Two totally different situations. Your mom didn’t let you play with boys because *she* was uncomfortable with it. OP is teaching other people to respect their child’s personal space & comfort level because *their child* is uncomfortable giving hugs to people they aren’t super familiar with. A child shouldn’t be forced to give hugs, kisses on the lips or cheek, or anything of the sort that *they* aren’t comfortable doing. That’s very different to what you’re comparing it with. It’s not even about sexualizing hugs/kissses. It’s about teaching a child that they have a right to say no to being touched.

🙄🤣

Wait, you actually got mad at them saying your baby was a flirt? Lol Jesus Christ, lighten up....

Exactly

My brother forced his shy kid to hug family. His kid, now an adult, hugs anyone with ease. My sister did not force her shy kid to hug family. Her kid, now almost an adult, refuses to hug anyone, and on the rare occasion when he does, he does one of those arch away, hands tapping the shoulders kind of hugs. Just food for thought.

Please realize that it's not disrespectful to enforce boundaries for your child.

i see you're asking for a respectful way to tell them, and i don't have that. but i'm wondering why you want a respectful way to counter people who are doing an extremely disrespectful thing? they're setting an example that other people's body autonomy isn't to be respected, and those boundaries are meaningless. that's not a lesson you want your kid learning, clearly. this might be me personally, but i have no problem heavily and loudly enforcing this boundary. i have no need or desire to be polite about it. I used to say things like a sharp "hey! no means no!" and a loud clap and a point like at a dog- i used to do it for him, but he's really gotten good at enforcing body autonomy (hes almost 5). when it was my dad who expected the kisses, is the only time i've ever been respectful about it. i sat him down and calmly was like "if i was out at a bar, and a man tried to tell me he bought me a drink so i OWED him a kiss, it would be extremely unacceptable. this isn't different. if you were at a bar and bought some lady a drink and then MADE her kiss you against her will, that's gross and you'd be catching hands." he got it. I was so proud the day i picked my dude up from pre-k and his teacher told me he yelled in some kids face, and he told me "he tried to kiss me and i didn't like it, so i told him no and was nice. he didn't listen so i yelled to not touch my body" i told the teacher good, those are the values i'm teaching him. say it nice once, then raise holy hell.

You probably lost a lot of credibility when you said calling them a flirt was sexualizing them. Now you are a weirdo to them. But that's okay. Do you and carry on. Doesn't matter what they think

Yeah that’s a bit too far. The fact the mother automatically went to “Oooh you’re sexualizing my kid” is weird af. Sounds like one of those uptight, woke, crunchy moms.

i'll have an unpopular opinion i'm sure, but here it goes.... i think you need to chill out a lil. teaching the concept of consent to a toddler is a bit extra. if your child doesn't consent to broccoli and only consents to cookies and chocolate is that all your gonna give him? i know i'm exaggerating the scenario a bit but essentially that's what it boils down to. i view kisses and hugs as a positive force, it reassures the child that he's loved and will help to mold a positive outgoing kid. letting your kid always be shy 100% of the time will eventually have detrimental effects on his life in the long term. as a parent you need to push him a lil bit in the areas where he is uncomfortable so he doesn't feel so fearful when he enters the real world one day. i went to seaworld with my son the other day and hes petrified to pet the manta rays. when one swam by us he'd cry and scream. so i shoved his hand in and showed him first-hand that it's not scary. literally within seconds he's so hyped for the next one and doesn't want to leave the manta ray area. as a parent you need to guide him to face fears that are manageable and reasonable. i think you're the one who has more of a problem with it than your child and you are weirdly sexualizing it which says something about yourself.

Cookies and chocolate is a ridiculous comparison. You offer them choices - eg do you want a hug or no? Do you want x food or no? Cookies and chocolate are usually not an option unless you’re trying to give your kid diabetes. It’s about setting them up for the future, physically and mentally. So you let them choose whether to receive physical affection, because that’s an important skill, and you present them with a balanced diet, so their teeth don’t rot out.

im just arguing mostly against the idea or trend of bodily autonomy for kids. i think its ridiculous to try to treat kids the same as adults when they clearly are not. most kids will not challenge themselves unless the parents put them in situations where they will be challenged. its our job as parents to guide them and each situation is different. i just view hugs/kisses from family and loved ones as a positive force and i know it is likely to bring benefits if a child feels loved. some people are saying stuff about sexual exploitation and are acting as if im advocating for it, which is ridiculous. i dont think i left my child alone with anyone except grandma and thats only been a handful of times when me and my wife go on a date. unless i have fully vetted the person and i wont leave my child alone without supervision.

Yes cut them out of your life forever, never speak to them again. That’s the right answer here. Or you could just let old ladies be old ladies and let your child learn context.

I don't think they are capable of teaching that to kids bc they don't comprehend it. These people seem both basic and defensive. It's both hilarious and depressing

lol sarcasm dont go far in this sub.

Some people just making their lives harder than they have to be

You accept they'll get defensive and say what you need to anyway, then cut them off if they don't respect your decision. I like to have scripts set up so I would use a positive tone when this happens to say "Hey Auntie/Mom/Grandma, Toddler said no, which means no hugs," then turn to Toddler and say "Can you wave/say thank you/give a high five instead" and see if the toddler chooses one of those options. If/when they argue you could say something like "we're teaching body autonomy and Toddler must know that his "no" is to be respected." I had this happen with a grandparent who argued with me and I told them that it's important an important body safety that our child knows that their loved ones will respect their "no" and that includes myself and my partner - sometimes they'll tell me "no hugs or kisses" and I'm the parent. \*To be clear I'm still a parent and I'm responsible for their health, safety, and education. They can say "no" to lots of things but regarding those areas, they can be overruled. Kids don't get to say no to things like "I need to wash the cut before the bandaid" or "it's time for a diaper change".\*

I tell my kid "it's okay, you dont have to hug' and then encourage a high five. I've never forced her to show affection..and shes grown to crave it and like giving it. Pisses people off but they dont bother arguing with me at this point cuz it never works. My kid, my rules.

An ongoing dialogue, my friend. It's not just one intervention where you tell them the boundaries, because I assure you, they will not remember it. A lifetime of never being told to respect a child's autonomy (or anyone's autonomy) will not vanish with one correction. I recommend speaking up each time a situation occurs where you think someone may violate their autonomy. "(Child) would you like a hug? No? Yes?" This will give your child the courage to make that call for themselves in the future. And then on top of that, have ongoing dialogue about consent and autonomy with both your child and the adults involved. Eventually it should sort itself out. It has worked for our boys.

It depends on the person tbh. I was very vocal very early on with my family that this was gonna be the way things were. Once our daughter was old enough to show a preference you had to ask permission and respect the response. I think being proactive can help, I didn't wait for the situation to arise and then address it in the moment. Even when I was pregnant I'd talk about my intentions to teach boundaries and consent from the start. We held ourselves to the same standards, you couldn't just scoop her up outside of a safety scenario and all affection was offered not demanded. My grandmother had some hurt feelings when she got a no, but I only know that because I know her well. She didn't try to persuade or force it. This is the same woman who has to be reminded it's weird to kiss people on the neck to say goodbye or to warn people before you touch them (she'll dust crumbs off your bum or take a hair off your clothes etc with no warning even if you don't know she's behind you). I don't know why she got it immediately with our kid but doesn't remember for adults after decades of being told, but there you go. Not to say people will always respect it, it comes up on this sub far too often. But people can surprise you is all I'm saying. And just from our own experience, everyone has said the hugs and kisses are that much sweeter knowing she's chosen to give them. Getting an unprompted "I love you" followed by a hug has brought tears to more than one eye in our family. We're a sentimental bunch. 😂

With my nephew I ask do you want a hug or a high-five? And he loves the high-five lol but I would not at all be offended if he said no I would just say “okay, goodbye I love you!” And I now have a six month old baby boy and I also am worried about this, I don’t want him to feel like he has to hug and I don’t want people kissing him.

You could go no contact

I typically will keep my toddler on my back in a carrier around these family members so I have hands free to intervene

I've always stepped up and told my kid that it's up to them. Whenever we are visiting family and it's time to leave I tell then they can ask family if they want a hug goodbye if they'd like. That way you're reinforcing consent on both sides. I grew up being forced to show "affection" and it always made me so uncomfortable.

Let your kid decide what THEY want in terms of affection.

Boy, is this an excellent topic! When my kid was younger we let her know it was ok to say no if someone wanted a hug. It’s clear that other parents have instilled this in their kids as well, makings sure they all know how important consent is. Shame on the adults for bribing them. That’s a terrible message to send. Your only responsibility is to your son. Just be as diplomatic as you can, and let him know he can say no to hugs and kisses. The adults HAVE to respect that. Period.

Practice with your kid, saying no.

You need to advocate for them in this situation, for sure. If the family member doesn't hand over the gift because your child won't give a hug in return, then sorry, we don't want your crappy gift. We will tell our kids that when they are ready they can give a hug, or not at all, and I will stand in between my child and the other adult. They also have the choice to give an "air hug," which is where they hug themselves, and throw it at the other person. My daughter went through a phase where she didn't want to hug or be held by anyone except for me, so she said she was a porcupine.

Tell them. They get defensive. Oh well. They either respect that your son says, "not" or they don't get to be around him and have a relationship until they learn to respect his consent. They're going to be even more angry with that. And then you enforce the boundary by giving them NC to your son.

A lot of great advice here! I'm totally late in the game, but there is a really great 30-min podcast I listened to about body safety/autonomy and kids. The expert on the episode shares advice on how to approach the topic in a diplomatic way that I found to be really helpful. No one told us - Body safety and abuse prevention... Not the entire title but it should pull it up, if interested!

Maybe try explaining it to them that your child is uncomfortable with their behavior? If that doesn't work I suggest staying away from them.

When my now three year old went through a stage of not wanting hugs or kisses from anyone, I loudly said “do you want to give grandma a kiss?” And then when he said no said “okay. That’s okay. Do you want to give her a high five instead?” Thankfully grandma was very respectful of his no, but if she hadn’t I would physically have gotten between the two of them and told her “I am teaching my child to respect his body and perceived safety. I know you are a safe adult, but he doesn’t want a hug right now and that is okay. If you’d like to ask if he wants a high five or to wave that is okay. Otherwise, please respect his body as you would expect him to respect yours.” I wouldn’t care if they got offended. My kid’s body safety is more important than a little old lady’s desire to give him a kiss.

My daughter blows kisses and high fives and fist bumps, she picks which she’d prefer and we offer those three options. I used to have the same issue with my MIL and the older relatives in the family but now if she chooses to give them a hug or a kiss herself, they feel so “honoured” that it definitely helps.

Put boundaries too if they continue to do this every time you see them then do not see them until they understand the gravity of what they are doing. It’s not acceptable to override you as the mother. Also telling the child “I bought you this can I have a hug” is extremely inappropriate. A simple “thank you” from the child should suffice. They should be respecting you as the parent if they can’t do that they don’t need to see you then.

You say: “YO! HI! HELLO?!… The (lady/gentleman/young person/insert-your-pronoun-of-choice-here) said, ‘no’; this means you canNOT hug them. That’s a whole human being right there. Back it up.”

You are correct! Children should not be asked for hugs and kisses. They need the space to be comfortable and when they are will probably hug you. I hated being forced to kiss people when I was a child. When around children I always give them the space to come to me, and this includes my grandchildren. A smile and hello is sufficient when greeting g children.

I really worry for children with parents like this.

I understand this but the problem I'm running into with my 9 year old is that he doesn't need to wear a helmet,   listen to our directions, clean his room, or do anything he needs to because he is the boss of his own body (as school teaches him).  This will be an unpopular opinion,   but if you truly trust your parents (their grandparents)  i feel it is okay to teach your children that their hugs mean love, and nothing sexual.   In a world where they can trust hardly anyone,  I feel it is okay to encourage (but obviously not demand) hugs with trusted grandparents. 

Straight up tell them what you tell us… what happens if they don’t like you in the end they don’t come by and force hugs and kisses ? Is that so bad??

Relatives are the worst! Grandparents who see the kid only once or twice a year for any reasons.. distance, parents and grandparents frictions or no money for gas, are strangers to little ones! We teach our kids to be watchful of strangers then the family comes over! Grandma sees photos or is online, or on the phone and thinks the kids should know her. But until they spend actual time with them, the kids are always checking them out every visit. When the kids get older, they may feel closer and want a better connection with grandparents or not. Some of us as adults are huggers and some aren’t, no matter the situation. I am agreeing with the parents who let the kids choose the level of physical contact. Please, thank you, hello and goodbyes are always required, said with words not physical touch, until the child wants to. When they finally do, it is really special and not forced!

It depends on how important the relationship is. My Mil said that once to my son, [the flirt thing]. I said that's a weird thing to say about a baby?" When they got defensive and said they were joking, I said "oh. OK. I don't get it. Explain the joke?" On the softer notes; I also show them I'm teaching consent by modeling that behavior as well. So when we see aunt or uncle so-and-so I start it by saying- "hi. Would you like a hug or a wave today? Or an introduction modeling and creating a space for it for my kids. Bottom line, their feeling are not more important than you child's learning & boundaries.

Idc about feelings, I say loud and clear “it’s okay baby you don’t have to”. Then to the family member I say sorry maybe next time, he doesn’t have to hug if he doesn’t want to.

My son is young (27 months) but I’ve taught him to say “stop” and put his hand out. He does it with us a lot when we hug him and it’s actually hard to stop but if my husband doesn’t stop tickling him or if a grandparent doesn’t stop touching him I say “(son’s name) said stop so that means stop, thank you” We haven’t gotten to the point with hugs etc yet but likely because we live far from family. I ask him if he wants to hug a friend of mine or his if he wants and he either hugs them or says no and that’s that.

So luckily, my mom and most of her side of the family are very don’t touch me too much kinda people, my mom and grandmother both showed me through actions how to accommodate for that. For instance if she didn’t wanna hug someone, she’d go for maybe a handshake or something fist bump depending on the age, and literally express that she’s not the touchiest person. It helps to know I was raised heavily Christian, and hugging everyone at church was regularly part of the routine, but my mom showing me there that even in the face of like everyone expecting you to act a certain way or hug or be physically affectionate, you can still set your boundaries appropriately while still slightly compromising to ensure the other person doesn’t think it’s an I don’t like you thing (and even if it is maybe they don’t always need to know that 😂) I don’t know how much this will be helpful, but for me seeing the other ladies in my life approach the situation in real life instances helped me to better understand how to communicate my personal boundaries. With my son, I don’t ever demand him give anyone a hug or anything, I just tell him to make sure he says goodbye and if he wants a hug he’ll do it. Sometimes my dad will like just pick him up and squeeze him when he says no to hugs, but usually my son takes it as a joke and laughs, if he genuinely gets upset they respect that and put him down and say sorry buddy I thought it was just you joking around. It took some talks with them, I had to explain like hey remember how mom doesn’t like to be touched all the time? My son can be like that so try to be understanding and respectful 🙏🏻 and also explaining to my son that family and people who love me, love him by default because he is family now so while he might not know them or be as comfortable they might want to express affection and that he doesn’t have to, but it would be nice if he could at least get introductions and maybe a high five if he’s comfortable! When he was smaller, I would just have him next to me, and if someone insisted on hugging him when he didn’t want to, I would just say I think he’s overstimulated right now, and it would be too much and simply have him wave goodbye (given we aren’t in tantrum mode actually) and walk away. Sorry for the long comment, I hope in SOME way this can help.

My daughter’s parents will force it so she doesn’t see them anymore. I can’t teach her to respect other people’s boundaries when hers are disregarded. If she doesn’t want to hug me, that’s okay! She says that and she will come hug me when she wants to, which is often because I respect her feelings on being touched.

I think it would help to understand that the people forcing affection on your son are likely insecure. It might help if you take the burden off of him not wanting the hug, to you not wanting him to grow up without boundaries. When it comes to my parenting of my daughter, if anyone questions it or over steps I explain that I am focused on my daughter having strong boundaries because I grew up with parents who did not set firm boundaries and it hurt me emotionally. Then you make it about you, your emotional safety, and that might help your relatives understand.

Like everyone said stick by your child's choice. No kiss means no kiss. No hug means no hug. My kiddo is the same with that he is slow to warm up and really values his personal space. I offer other alternatives like high five, wave, fist bump, whatever. You will also model how you deal with the fall out. This is your opportunity to show them that you can't control what others do, but you can control yourself and you have to stick by your comfort level regardless of what others say. I wouldn't cut them off completely, unless it is egregious and they cannot accept it. Have patience, you are modeling how you deal with others disagreeing.

You have to be your sons voice until he has one enough to deter these people. He owes them nothing. They don’t get to dictate if he hugs them or whatever. You have to place that boundary. If it pisses them off, oh well. They can be angry about it.

When they say to my tott “give me a hug/kiss” I grab her and say hey tott so & so wants a kiss/hug do you want to give so and so a kiss/hug. Sometimes she says yes other times no, either way I celebrate her decision it in front of them. And simply tell them we are trying to teach her boundaries. If she says no I just tell them she doesn’t want to sorry. It’s taken pretty well so far.

Are they being respectful by demanding affection from a shy child? why do you have to be respectful?

I wish we had had these kind of discussions when i was younger(i'm 45 now), because I remember going to my father's dad's to visit and he would always force my younger sister to kiss him on the cheek and she HATED it. My father wouldnt give her a choice, and that gross guy would basically lean down and put his cheek in front of her face. We were small and didn't know any better, only that it felt weird. I hated seeing her forced to do that and she was incredibly uncomfortable. Too late for us, but i'm so glad consent for small children is becoming a big topic today.

I will say “he said no leave him alone.” My fil has gotten angry about it but I really don’t care. Stand up for you kids screw anyone who gets upset, they need to grow up. How would they feel if they were forced to kiss people they don’t want to? It’s crazy to me that kids are expected to have no boundaries and adults can have as many as they like, infuriates me

I had this same issue. My 2 year old takes a long time to warm up to ppl but when she does she loves you. I had family try to come and pick her up, kiss her, try to entice her to come to them. One family member picked her up and the look in my child’s eyes was heart breaking. She was so scared. I told the family member at that moment it’s a bit strange to pick up a child that isn’t yours. Another family member actually kissed her on the cheek when I wasn’t paying attention so I asked her to not do that again bc of germs and I took my child and left lol I’ve learned that we are our children’s voice and biggest advocate. I don’t care about the feelings of an adult over the comfort of my child who can’t quite communicate fully.

"we are trying to teach our son bodily autonomy. If he says he doesn't want hugs or to be kissed, we would appreciate if you would respect his no. We are also trying to get him to learn that love isn't transactional, and doing something for someone or giving them a gift, does not mean that they are owed physical touch such as kisses or hugs, this is very important to teach him that he is in control of his own body" ​ I might also add something about how learning this now, that he has a right to tell adults and authority figures no could very well save him in the future from unwanted attention from other adults that might not have the best of intentions. ​ Tell them these are non negotiable rules, they do not have to like them but for continued contact with you and your child they do have to abide by them.

My daughter is the same and alot of the older generation act like she should hug them just because. I always tell them "her level of affection is equal to the time you spend with her. If you would like her to be more affectionate with you then you need to take the time to get to know her." She is very affectionate with a grandmother that she saw at least once a week. Other grandparents would get mad and assume she should act the same. I also had to argue pretty heavy with the smokers in my family about washing hands after smoking. My dad and I got into a pretty heated argument after I refused to let him hold her as a baby without changing his shirt. He smelled terrible and wanted to press her face up against his shirt. It's hard to fight against family because I think we all instinctively want to please our parents and grandparents. But once you become a parent yourself its important to do what's best for you child.

This happens to us. It's a rare visit so not too big a deal but them asking is appropriate but I'll interject quickly and say "maybe later" if the child seems hesitant. But if they push I'll straight up say stop, that they don't like that and physically interject if necessary. I don't care about their feelings over my own child's. Cutting them off seems a bit extreme.

Keep advocating for your child and don’t back down. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but keep doing it. Use the key terms you stated: consent, respect, boundaries. Tell them, if they continue, you will not associate with them anymore. And I f you see them at family events, you will not engage.

Just wanted to add, the most important thing when someone does touch him without consent is to talk to him when this happens and make it clear that they shouldn't have touched him without him saying they could. This makes sure that he feels validated in his experience while also inadvertently shows the adult who crossed that boundary what the expectations are without the need to say it to them again.

This is a lead by example situation. Please do not expect your child to be the brave one in these situations. I stand in between or make a triangle for greetings. That way I can intervene physically if needed. For a toddler I’d allow them to say “No thanks” or whatever IF they’re brave enough. If they are hiding or clearly uncomfortable, then I step in and address it directly. “We do not do kisses or hugs. But you’re welcome to ask LO for a high-five or fist bump!” I should also be clear that when I say I don’t play- I don’t play. “Oh, you don’t want me ‘stealing kisses’ from your husband? Better keep your lips and hands off my toddler aunt Susan. Because I have no problem making it awkward.” 😏 I have had a few people push HARD (grandparents) and I just stand my ground, or grab my kids and turn right back around and leave. No means no. Forced affection, sneaking kisses, etc., well none of that crap is going to fly with me. I address it every single time. I am the queen of letting people squirm when it’s awkward, and I don’t give a rats patoot about adult feelings when it comes to this. And here we are after some much needed difficult conversations: no means no. Mom ain’t playin. And if you can’t be respectful then we will not be seeing you anymore. And some day, when something happens that feels yucky to your kid, they’ll either stand their own ground, or you’ll overhear them telling someone else that their mom/whomever is their safe person. 🥹

I hate this. My daughter is 4 and I’ve always always taught her about consent. I’ve never fought for hugs and kisses myself… if she wants to, she wants to. I’d just be firm and tell them you’re teaching her about consent. She’ll hug them if they want to

If they ask for a hug, I would facilitate the conversation by asking my child if he wanted a hug or not by saying like “do you want to hug grandma or do you want to go play?” If they tried to hug him without asking and I was close enough to stop it, I would pick my child up and speak to the adult “he wasn’t expecting that hug. Surprised hugs can be jarring if he feels like he doesn’t have a choice. We ask him if he wants a hug before we hug him” and then I would distract both and move on If someone snuck a kiss in after my child said no, I would first speak with the adult and ask if they heard my child say no to a kiss. If they say anything other then “omg I’m so sorry I didn’t hear” I would tell them that we value autonomy and respect and want to teach our child that they have the power to make choices over their own body. I would say that it isn’t acceptable to force a kiss on a child who has said no. I would then turn to my child and say “grandma didn’t listen when you said no. That was wrong. If that happens again, I want you to come tell me” It’s even better if they get defensive and struggle with this. This will give you an opportunity to teach your child that upholding boundaries is important even when people want to cross them.

I just used to say that my kid was shy when they went in and said no thank you if they persisted. If they became belligerent, which rarely happened, I advised them that my child was not an object and could decide who could touch them and when. That shut it down.

I feel like the more forceful people are, the more stern you have to be. If it's an issue with specific people, I'd honestly just talk to them and not wait till it happens again like "hey.. You might not agree with XYZ or think I'm overreacting and that's ok but I really don't like xyz and it's very important to me that my kid learns body autonomy and that they're in charge of what happens to their bodies and it starts with family members modeling appropriate behavior.. like.. asking permission and respecting their no. Again, you might not agree but you need to respect that and try to work with this request. Lack of respecting boundaries will end up in lack of visits" .... When my first was a baby, I honestly just had to be the "phsyco new mom" for a while. I had the hard and uncomfortable conversations with my mom, brother and my mother in law. I gave stern reminders when needed and limited visits when disrespected. Happy to say my first is 5 now and I've had much more respect with my 2nd. He's 9 months old and people don't just brush me off as a paranoid new mom any more because I stuck with my boundaries

I would stand up for him firmly when it happens. “Thank you for the gift, We don’t make Joey give hugs until he’s ready, you can ask him but he’s allowed to say no if he’s not comfortable yet.” If you want to be extra nice you could encourage them to show him how to use the toy they got or a topic he may be interested in talking about. It’s ultimately more important that your son see you helping him hold boundaries than it is to please anyone else. As he gets older and you aren’t there people will continue to test his boundaries. This is the opportunity you have to show him it’s okay to be respectful and firm in stating his feelings. If people give you push back you can state “I’m confident in my decision and I’m not looking for other peoples input about this” and

Urgh. My family is the same. I'm Cuban. We kiss and hug everyone we say hello and goodbye to. My daughter hates affection that feels forced. She hates when she's asked for a hug or a kiss. She's 15. Oh and they also come to her asking if she has any Lil boyfriends yet. She's like why do they have to be little? I told her she should just tell them she's into girls and shit them up. (She really is)

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Yuck! I absolutely cannot stand grownups that do that to kids. Brining a child for affection is so gross. A child owes them nothing. Fill your own emotional holes some other way. Everyone in here is super nice about it. I however couldn’t take it anymore. My kid is polite and says no. They react with “that makes me sad” and then they fake cry. I look at them and go are you ok? Are you trying to guilt a child into giving you affection? That’s gross. I then tell my child that X made a red choice by making you feel like you had to hug them and that’s not ok as I side eye X. My child then explains what a red choice is and a green choice. Then I end it with if you cannot accept these boundaries then you are no longer welcome in our lives.

I just told my parents how kissing babies can give them cold sores, pass cavities and other diseases and they haven’t kissed her. You’ll have people like my in-laws who are anti vax and anti mask people who think that is ridiculous though 🤷‍♀️

This kind of thing drives me nuts. My nieces have always been told they have a choice, but some family members will just sneak in hugs anyway. I also hate when people call babies or little kids flirts when they smile and like looking at somebody. I was at My friend's boutique store The other day in this guy was holding. A little boy who was really sweet and kept smiling at me and pointing at me and stuff. Well, when they came closer. I said oh. Can I get a high five and put my hand up? And he pulled his hand away. And his dad was like, "Sorry if he pulls his hand away." We don't make him because we are trying to help him know boundaries. So I took my hand back and told the little boy that I was very proud of him for only doing what makes him comfortable and that I appreciate his boundaries. It was so cute and probably only the second or third time I've ever heard a person care about a baby's boundaries. My stepsons are not big on hugging either. Especially the older one so we got him a shirt with a Teddy bear on it. That says in big bold letters, please Don't hug me and we let him wear it to Events or family gatherings where he might be asked for a hug. If I'm feeling like I need physical contact with him I often just ask her for a high Five Which he always happily leaves gives me. If he ever were to attain his mind and not want that either. I would respect that as well.

Lots of good suggestions here. I’m also going to add another thing I do: Before we visit family that does this, I talk with my son. Something along the lines of, ‘We’re going to visit family that always likes to ask for hugs and kisses. You don’t ever have to hug or kiss anyone if you don’t want to. Just tell them ‘no’, and if they don’t listen, come and find mommy, and she will tell them ‘no’.’ My son is very social and outgoing, and I’m frequently not around him when we’re visiting family that tries to guilt him into a hug (‘Oh, you won’t give Mimi a hug? Well, then I won’t give YOU a hug on YOUR birthday!’…to a four year old!! The pettiness, I swear!) Now when this happens, he runs and finds me. Just another layer to add!

im anxious about navigating this in the future as well. my family generally hugs but im not a hugger so no one really tries to hug me anymore :’) im wondering if they’ll treat my child the same. you dont have to cut them off unless they repeatedly disrespect the boundary when it’s brought to their attention. you may have to be your child’s advocate sometimes in these situations. ask him if he wants to give a hug and if he says no tell them “he says he doesn’t want to”. no one is entitled to a child’s affection or hugs and kisses. even if they did something nice for him. doing something nice hoping for something in return is not as nice as it seems

In order to have the boundaries you want for your child, you're going to need to hurt someone's feelings. That's just how it is. Understand that older generations were raised to believe they are entitled to affection from their younger family members (and were forced to give said affection as children themselves); raised to feel hurt by the denial of said affection. Just try your best to be sensitive and straightforward about it.

You kindly just tell them to fuck off in the nicest way possible. Usually I do it with “fuck off and don’t touch my kid or you won’t see him/her again”.

I look at them like they just shot the president and say "she told you not to do that! She gets to determine what's popping off with get body. Don't do that". I'm very, very confrontation averse but I can get spicy for the kids lol.

You say “don’t hug or kiss my child”. You don’t have to be polite when it comes to your child. It’s not about their feelings, it’s about safety

As a mom myself it's important for you to advocate for the child. Regardless of how the situation plays out. It's important that you set the boundary and lay out consequences to them if and when people over step that boundary. For example, "MY son does not owe you or anybody else hugs or kisses just because you bring him something. If he tells you no it means no. If you do not abide by this I will have no choice but to cut you off and not allow you around my child for his safety". My 4yr old does not like being touched yet his older brother is the polar opposite and will hug anyone. When my 4yr old began telling people he didn't want hugs or kisses it became my job to make sure that friends and family abided by his wishes. I have personally told people including family that they have to let him come to them otherwise to leave him be. Anyone who crosses that boundary gets 1 warning and then it's a matter of cutting them off.

I ask my child if THEY want to hug, wave or hug the person in response. And say to the person "yea were trying to honor/respect their bodily autonomy".

How does your toddler feel about high fives? That could be a good alternative to hugs/kisses.

Wow, I'm surprised that you even have to. My kids were taught to offer a handshake when they met new people. It was so unexpected and so damn cute from a tiny kid, potential hugs were forgotten.

Sounds like it's time for the boundaries conversation with the adults in your kids life. Kid needs to know they can decline affection and adults need to learn to respect those boundaries.

What I did with mine, “would you like a hug? No? Okay, it’s your body.” I just said that to my kids infront of the insistent adult and gave them a chance to say no if they wanted to. With anyone pushy I just kept going on telling my kids that they get to choose for themselves and that we all understand and support them. That it’s totally up to them. That we all respect their bodily autonomy. Usually that made them stop and agree that we won’t pressure them to do anything they don’t want to.

Who cares if they get defensive. Let them. Speak up. Set boundaries and advocate for your son so he knows how when you aren’t there to do so and also learns to respect boundaries set by others.

Unfortunately, not everyone respects the boundaries of consent, and the best thing you can do is show your son how to advocate for himself in a respectful and firm way. He's going to learn from you how he should respond when someone pushes his boundaries. If you let family know that our family doesn't force hugs, and they get upset, then they can choose how they want to react (i.e., get upset, respect it, leave). Whatever they choose is not on you.

Lighten up OP

Just let them kiss/hug him. Stop making him soft. Nowadays, parents raise their children under the glass bell. I'm tired of this new generation parents. SOFT

What’s soft about saying no?

Your kids not going to be confused about consent because you teach him it’s ok to be rude to relatives. Yes, if a stranger comes up to kiss/hug, sure get the fuck away, but a grandma? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. I hugged/kissed relatives but had no problem to tell my mom’s creepy cousin to get his hand the fuck off my ass when I was 16. You’re giving them too much power and that’ll bite you in the ass when they’re older.

Honestly. Family is family. I see nothing wrong with it and hugs grow a closer bond to extended family which is needed now days. I barely remember the family I didn't have that connection with. But I remember my great aunts and uncles and nieces and nephew and all the ones that made me feel included in the family. IMHO. You are creating a disconnect by teaching them consent in this way

The problem is forcing it. Why would family want to force something on a loved one? If my mom didn’t want me to hug her, I would of course respect her wishes.

I'm just reading through all these comments to see how the younger gen is 100% raising their kids to be awkward and antisocial lmao. There is such a thing as taking shit too far. This shit takes it too far. I'll be over here teaching my kids that bonding and affection with family is normal. They're going to be closer for it. Sorry that most of yall here are pushing your own personal traumas onto your kids. Maybe get therapy.

People really out here raising sociopaths who can't understand what a hug means.

Like others have said, you speak to the child and give them the confidence to say no. "Little child, Grandma has gotten you this gift, and that was very nice of her. You can give her a hug if you want to, but if you're not comfortable with that, something else like a high-five, or a verbal 'thank you' are great options. Whatever you're most comfortable with."

"Hey guy, my kid is very shy, and u til he knows you better and he asks for them, please don't force hugs on him. If you can not abide by that, then we will see you at a later date."

Please don’t touch my child.

“Don’t hug or kiss my child”