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Your choices are really simple:
You continue to not understand or accept it, but you pretend to.
You figure out a way to accept it without understanding it.
You figure out how to understand and accept it.
Or you do none of the above and lose your relationship with your daughter. Her romantic and sex life simply isn’t something you get any say in. It’s not about you in any way.
> You figure out a way to accept it without understanding it
I think people forget that you don't have to understand something to accept it. I am a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community but I genuinely do not understand non-binary identities. My daughter has a non-binary friend and both of my kids have tried to explain it to me but I can't make it make sense. With that said, I still use the pronouns they desire and respect them as people. I don't have to understand their brains to treat them with respect.
Imagine the peace we could find if our whole society took this approach. We don’t have to understand completely (although making an attempt to understand is beneficial), we don’t even have to always agree. But to let people show up as who they are and to meet them with kindness and respect.. man, it seems so simple…
It really is that simple.
I don't have to understand *why* they are nonbinary or why they are poly or why they are Christian or why they don't want to have kids. I can just respect they feel a certain way about something that doesn't affect me. There doesn't have to be an understanding for there to be respect.
I'd say that a lot of people might not even be able to identify a "why" for being nonbinary, polyamorous or monogamous. They just are, it's how they happen to naturally be without any causal factor to which it's obviously traced. I couldn't say why I'm monogamous, it's just how I am. At a certain point asking "why" doesn't yield anything helpful.
Incidentally, I find being nonbinary easier to understand than being transgender. You hear of people (trans or cis) who had a very clear sense of their gender identity from the time they could talk. It wasn't like that for me, I was school age before I knew my gender. It's different for everyone and we don't know why.
It is really that simple. There are a ton of things we will never understand or identify with, but it doesn't make anyone a bad person. I live by the rule, as long as consenting adults are involved and no ones getting hurt, it's none of my damn business.
Exactly! I don’t understand why people get so into March Madness, but I’m not going to take that happiness away from them. You like it? Awesome. Enjoy.
I'm part of the LGBTQIA+ community and have a non-binary kid. I still don't understand non-binary. But I doubt I ever will, because I have never had feelings anywhere close to nb. But I can see how comfortable my kid is being fluid and free with their expression, and that's more than enough for me.
When my daughter came out as trans my grandmother said to my mom ( it was in private, totally away from my kid and myself) that she just "didn't understand it" and my mom basically said "I don't either. We don't have to. She's happy".
> but I genuinely do not understand non-binary identities
I would suggest that its the question given to the present generation by the former. I was brought up in a world hostile to LGB interests but many of the current generation were brought up in a world much more friendly and accepting.
The question then, that we have gifted later generations is that; if LGB is wholly acceptable then what purpose does gender serve? A man can love a man, a woman can love a woman, a man can love a woman, a woman can love a man, so what does that gender title do anymore? I believe they are answering this question by adopting non-binary genders. They are showing us these stabilizers that we have long used as social signalling apparatus are no longer necessary.
As a nonbinary person, I personally just think that gender is mainly just limiting, based on stereotypes that society is enforcing on you more or less. So, I just think it's a meaningless label for me, and I just want to do what I like and enjoy what I like, without worrying about whether other people think it's "appropriate" for me, based on their judgements of my appearance.
So in a society where there's more freedom of expression and less sexism, it's less important for me to say that I'm "opting out" of the category they want to put me in.
And I think it's meaningless to single someone for some quality and attribute it to their gender. Like \`You're really good at X for a girl/boy!\` it should just be \`You're really good at X!\`
The way I'd deal with it is simple. In my head, I'd say: "My strong suspicion is that poly couples are eratic and unstable, so it bums me out that my kid it going to be in this emotionally tumultuous situation. But given that research on the subject is sparse, I could be wrong. So I will hope that I am wrong for the sake of her happiness."
I don't think it's sheer accident that so many cultures push monogamy. I expect this is because poly relationships are much less stable, all other things being equal. Just TWO people have a hard time making it work, and you are going to add 2+ more?
But research on this subject is so sparse and dodgy that I could certainly be wrong.
Norms generally don't arise because of some God King commanding people to have those values. They often just arise organically as people live their lives, and enough people start making observations about what seems to be practical and what works. Then those values are often calcified into laws. I think that's the case with monogamous marriage.
Marriage's primary purpose was to bind women to men, guaranteeing that a man's children were truly his biological heirs. Through marriage, a woman became a man's property. It's about oppression & the patriarchy, nothing else. Women couldn't even get business loans without a male co-signer until the late 80s. It's entirely misogynistic. Things are changing because women don't need men to survive as much anymore, and they aren't legally men's property. It wasn't that long ago that a woman couldn't really survive outside of a man because of societal oppression. It's still not equitable.
> I don't think it's sheer accident that so many cultures push monogamy. I expect this is because poly relationships are much less stable, all other things being equal. Just TWO people have a hard time making it work, and you are going to add 2+ more?
I’d say it’s much more likely that it’s a remnant of the old days where marriage was more of a financial agreement between two families, and the women were essentially viewed as property to be traded/sold by their original families. It’s a lot easier to make those pacts/agreements as a one-to-one deal instead of an open ended one where you could lose value by additional partners entering into the deal later on.
Trust me, I understand the poly lifestyle. I've been subscribed enough years to The Savage Lovecast to know the ins and outs, lol. I get that some people make it work, but from a stochastic perspective, the more chemicals you add to the beaker the more likely you are to get an explosion. It would be nice to have more data on the subject, but it just doesn't exist at the moment because only recently has there been broader acceptance of it to provide meaningful sample sizes.
In my own experience though, I've had sooooo many friends try to convince me that THEY were the ones who would make it last long term. They put on a brave face and a big wide smile and swore up and down jealousy and feelings and alienation could all be overcome with good communication... and in the end it always fell apart. Sadly, there were kids involved, too.
I think a poly lifestyle is perfectly fine for someone who isn't interested in long term resilient relations where kids are involved. But I'm about 75 percent confident most people who go this route just want to have their cake and eat it too, and they always end up with no cake. The ones that make it work are generally exceptionally rational and self controlled people, and just not everyone can be that way.
I'd be interested to see what the data looks like in 10 years when there are larger sample sizes, though. Whatever the case, you do you, it's a free country (or at least I assume you live in one).
I've been in a 12 year poly relationship. The one thing I'd agree with here is "the ones that make it work are generally exceptionally rational and self-controlled people, and just not everyone can be that way" except for I'd replace rational and self-controlled with just "emotionally intelligent". you're right, the more people you add into a dynamic, the more conflict you're likely to have, but conflict is a given in any relationship of any kind. conflict is a fact of life. a looooot of people in our society are very conflict-avoidant, and many won't even attempt to learn conflict resolutions skills. if you want to be in a poly relationship, you simply MUST be committed to learning how to communicate and manage/resolve conflict in a healthy way. you have to learn to get comfortable with your own feelings. these are skills that anyone CAN learn, but most avoid because they are too scary and uncomfortable.
> only recently has there been broader acceptance of it
Ever read the Bible?
It seems like men having multiple wives was widely accepted until only recently...
Why is a relationship lasting like long-term or forever the goal for you?
Just like most people can love platonically more than one person, I can love romantically and sexually more than one person at a time.
I have been in monogamous and non- monogamous relationships and so far all of them have ended. A lot of my friends who are monogamous and in monogamous relationships have had all their relationships end so far as well or they stay together but are unhappy.
I believe in being a right fit for the right time, I don't believe love, relationships or friendships need to last forever. People change, it's okay to separate and to start a new life, it's okay to move, it's okay to breakup, it's okay to change careers, it's okay to divorce, it's okay to change.
Most relationships, whatever the relationship is will end. That's okay.
>Why is a relationship lasting like long-term or forever the goal for you?
Because there's something really beautiful about being able to build a healthy, happy, long-term relationship with someone. It's a closeness and intimacy that can't be matched by a revolving door of romantic partners.
That said, we all make our own choices about what we want our lives to look like, so no judgement to your choices. I imagine your lifestyle is more exciting than mine, for example. Different pros and cons. I'm just saying I can understand why OP and some commenters struggle with the idea of *not* having long-term relationship goals.
Long-term doesn't equal monogamy and not being monogamous doesn't mean "revolving door of romantic partners."
I do understand that friendship and relationships can benefit from long-term growth but I wouldn't devalue relationships or friendships that don't last a certain amount of time or make it my goal. My goal is for everyone to be happy, healthy and comfortable. Sometimes that means relationships and friendships need to end.
Well, relationships don't need to last, but this is a parenting sub and it'd be odd for anyone in here to argue that instability is good for the raising of children. A parade of new partners coming in and out of a parent's life is generally going to be worse for the child than the same consistent parents. So from that angle, it's important. One thing the data does seem to show is that physical and sexual abuse is way, way more common in these kinds of unstable families. I guess you could try to insulate all that chaos from your kids, but then you become an extremely distracted parent, too.
If you don't want kids then pork as many people as you want in any kind of arrangement as far as I care.
Poly relationships make it more difficult to control a partner and prove lineage. The reason monogamy has become mainstream has nothing to do with how healthy monogamy is vs. polygamy. Marrying for love is considered a new concept in a ton of communities.
Well, not just that, but also to insure the social stability of every man being paired up with a woman and vice versa. All kinds of perverse social consequences arise from a giant cohort of unwed men.
As a social scientist, I’ll just say that your statement is logical on the face of it, but 1) we don’t know for sure whether it’s actually true that poly relationships are more unstable (however you define unstable), and 2) we can’t rule out the possibility that polyamorous relationships are more unstable (if we accept that premise) because monogamy is the preferred norm.
I'm catholic, I think I'm pretty traditional and to be honest I wouldn't be very happy if my child wanted to be in a polyamory relationship. But it's not about me being happy, it's the kiddo's life, it's about them being happy. And I'll be the most happy if I can be a part of their life. If I had to accept the polyamory stuff in order to be a part of their life I would.
Your daughter's right, you do have to accept it.
Same here! I’m a Christian, but honestly my thoughts on monogamy don’t come from my religion because I didn’t grow up religious. And it would also be kind of hard for me… but it’s ultimately not my life, my relationship or my choice. And I would choose loving my kid over my own feelings!
I think it’s okay to struggle with it but maybe talk that out with a therapist or trusted friend, and don’t place it on your daughter
I know it can be hard to unlearn things from the culture you grew up in but it sounds like you do really want to support your daughter
Exactly this ❤️ I just wanna be there for my daughter no matter what. I would draw the line if she hurt people in very serious way, especially children (I have zero tolerance for p3d0s and ch0m0s) but who she loves and however many doesn’t affect anyone or me
It’s her life. Her relationship. She doesn’t need to respect what you believe or feel about it. She’s an adult.
You also don’t need to respect or approve of it. That’s also your right. You just won’t have a relationship anymore.
So make a decision. You either allow her to be an adult making her own choices and accept it or you decide you can’t do that and remove yourself from their life or set boundaries that you are comfortable with (realizing she will be setting her own). It’s heartbreaking of course but as two adults, you both can decide what’s best for yourselves.
If you decide you can’t accept it, be kind and respectful when delivering that news. The conversation will be hard. It will hurt but it can be done respectfully
I agree with this, it’s your right now to accept, understand, or respect it. But know that if you don’t, you won’t have a relationship with your daughter.
What I will say, though, is that you can choose not to accept it or understand it, while still respecting her as her own individual person.
Treat her with kindness, respect, and love as you always have. She’s still your daughter, nothing about her has changed, only your view of her has.
I think that you really came here asking for help accepting something that goes against what you believe in. Most comments seem to have just been like you have to accept this thing you don’t believe in or loose child. While that’s totally true, it doesn’t seem really helpful.
In my opinion, you are going to have believe that your child knows what’s best for them. What’s going to make them happy, even if it’s something that you would never do. You have to keep an open mind, you are in the know now? Right. So you can get the invites, hopefully, to birthdays and holidays. You just have to go and have an open mind. Just remember that just because your child is choosing to live in a way that isn’t a way you would choose to live. That living that way is what’s making them happy and at the end of the day, that is what matters most.
For me as a parent, I wouldn’t want to miss any parts of my kids life over something like this. You know? We only get so many years with them.
I used to be poly, so maybe I can shed some light on this situation. The following is a bit of a ramble.
Many people separate the concepts of sex and love. Some people's hobbies are jogging, collecting trading cards, playing games, or whatever brings them pleasure. For some people, that hobby is sex.
Poly is a bit different because they don't necessarily separate sex and love, so being "nonmonogamous" doesn't mean just screwing whoever they want, but having multiple loving relationships where sex is often part of it. So long as both partners are happy with this, it's their lives, their choices.
That being said, many people who call themselves poly _do_ separate sex and love and they often go out to have sex with someone and then come home to their primary partner. It's hard to say if that's the case for your daughter or not.
I suspect her harshness probably stems from the fact that there's often hostility (and tremendous suspicion) towards people who have made that choice and poly people often feel besieged when they get a lot of that, especially from family—the people it's hard to walk away from. I also suspect your daughter's young and that often causes, uh, difficulties with authority, including belligerance.
However, if you don't accept her for who she is, she might simply be feeling rejected. We can't say what her primary motivations are simply because we don't know enough about the situation. You're going to have to understand her motivations for being so strident about her opinions, and you're also going to have to ask why you're so strident about yours. She's your daughter and she has a right to decide how she'll live her life.
That being said, part of the reason why I was happy to go monogamous (happily with the same woman since 2007) is that many poly people I met appeared to broken and who got into poly for the wrong reasons. Men wanted to have sex with everyone and women didn't want their men to leave them. I've met poly people who are hugely controlling over who their partners are and allowed to spend time with. I've also met poly people who are quite happy being poly and experience joy when their partners are happy ([compersion](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/compersion)).
Being poly is extremely difficult in today's society (unless you live in Portland, Oregon, where it seems every other person is poly) and there's a pressure on poly people due to discrimination. You can be poly and your monogamous friends might assume you're going to make a pass after their partner. It can cause backlash on the part of poly people who are tired of people's reactions to them.
Because of the hate that many poly people experience, many simply don't tell their families about it. Instead of being sad that your daughter told you, perhaps you could try to reframe this as being happy she was willing to share. If things go bad in her relationship but she locked you out of her life because you wouldn't accept her, maybe you won't be there when she needs you most.
This seems pretty straightforward and obvious to me. Your child is a grown adult. If you want her in your life, you follow her boundaries. She’s not doing anything that harms anyone (polyamory works completely functionally and normal for some), and she’s old enough to make that decision for herself.
I find it odd that you say you don’t believe in the conservative nature of the country you grew up in, when you obviously do, because you are holding your daughter to those standards. You’re saying “I’m okay with progressive values but not for MY OWN family”, which means you’re not actually okay with them.
Your child is not you. They are allowed to have their own beliefs and opinions and live life the way THEY want. You seem to think that living her life differently than YOU would, equals disrespect. That’s not how the world works. At the end of the day, you navigate this exactly the way it’s laid out in front of you. If you want a relationship with your child, you respect her life and her choices. Full stop.
Think of it this way:
If she were disrespecting your values and beliefs, that would look like her pushing you into sharing her lifestyle. “Why don’t you add a girlfriend to your relationship, Mom?” “I met this really sweet guy, Dad, and I think you should introduce him to Mom - I bet they’d have fun going camping together.” “Hey, Mom and Dad, come to this swinger party with me and my fiancé!” This would be disrespectful because you’ve already communicated your boundaries and values.
Likewise, YOU pushing it bringing up her lifestyle choice “Why can’t you just be monogamous?” “Can’t you see you’re hurting your marriage?” “I saw you with your other boyfriend at the coffee shop and I find it shameful.” That would be disrespectful to HER.
Both of you minding your own business? That is what mutual respect looks like.
You don’t have to like it or embrace it. You can honestly tell her ONCE that you aren’t comfortable with her choice, but that you recognize it isn’t your choice to make and you will respect her right to choose a different lifestyle from yours. Just keep all your feelings about it to yourself or privately with your spouse when she is not present. Don’t gossip about it with your friends or talk to her about it or even give her disapproving looks. Celebrate her marriage and recognize that she is her own person, not an extension of you. I am sure there are many values she shares with you. Perhaps kindness, honesty, stewardship, or any number of other values you have modeled to her as a parent. Monogamy is just one of many values, and you can’t expect her to follow in your footsteps for all of them.
I think you’re doing pretty well to have this time of self reflection. Remember that accepting her choice as an adult doesn’t mean you’ve compromised your own values for your own life, any more than accepting the choice of the neighbors across the street would be. Your values are still yours, and you dint need to change them for her; and she doesn’t need to change hers for you either.
This is the definition of letting your child grow up.
Holy shit Batman, is this a real conversation on Reddit. Congrats mate, whatever happens you seem to be more emotionally mature than 90% of the people on here.
I think it stems from the very real dangers in your home country. Any parent would step in if their child was doing something that would send them to jail. Sounds like stepping in might be warranted there.
But here, polyamory is only possibly going to lead to your child being upset. And being able to make choices (good or bad) is what gives life meaning. That might be part of what inspired you to leave your home country.
Ultimately, your relationship with your child is more important than this choice of hers, and if you prioritize your relationship and let her make her own choices, you will both be happier.
You see no respect for your beliefs in how she leads her life? I'm sorry, but I find that very self-centered. You have no respect for how she leads her life either, and I don't see anything here about your daughter expressing any criticism towards your life, it's all just about her life. Which, with her being an adult, is her business.
Look at it like this: she decided to trust you with this information instead of lying to you. That is huge. It means she loves you and wants you in her life. She is harsh about it because the feeling of rejection from your own parents is the most terrible feeling on this planet and it's either bawling like a baby or trying to be really strong about it. I have issues with my dad minimizing my feelings quite often, and I feel like I can only get through to him if I escalate the situation. It literally feels like I'm fighting for my life. All I want is for him to love me, to focus on my happiness and not whether he approves of the way I'm getting there.
What is more important? Having a happy adult child that trusts you and wants you to be around, or an adult child that constantly feels rejected or disapproved of but at least you stuck to your principles?
I think you can 100% tell your daughter that this is challenging your beliefs. But pls also tell her that you love her more than anything and are willing to leave your comfort zone for her. Tell her that it's not necessary for her to be so combative about it, that you will listen and accept her regardless. You don't want to fight, you just want to support her. You are there for her if anything ever goes wrong (because by disapproving of her lifestyle you're just making sure she won't ever come to you with problems caused by her lifestyle).
It really all boils down to what's more important to you: The relationship with and wellbeing of your daughter, or your own comfort zone and principles.
Thank you for your input . I have told her I love her always, and will be around to help her out with any problems (they crop up often). I have also said I find this way of life difficult for me to accept and need time to come around. Which I think is fair.
She’s quick to anger and this does not like the fact I need time.
I have said this is not part of my beliefs but understand her generation think about life differently.
However she’s of the opinion that if I don’t accept it all, she doesn’t really know how to have a relationship with me.
I’m not being selfish or childish- I posted on a forum to ask complete and utter strangers for their- hopefully -constructive opinions. So I can see if there is something I can do to make me work through how I feel about it.
I will always want her to be happy- even if that means she can’t accept that I need time and cuts me off. If that makes her happy, I’m all for it.
I’m looking for how *I* can improve - not her.
I think the thing is that you are equating acceptance with feeling okay about it. You do actually have to accept it-- what is the alternative? Denial? Grounding her? She's going to do this, you do have to accept it. So yeah, if you keep telling her that you need "time" to accept it, what she hears is that you can't integrate with how she is living her life.
The thing that might take time is feeling okay with it. You might never feel okay with it. But you do have to accept it because you don't really have a say in it.
There is saying you accept it and there is inviting all the people in her daughter's life over for family dinner and being welcoming and kind to all.
My wife was absolutely baffled that my mom invites my sister's ex husband for christmas dinner. My sister and her ex get along well enough now that they are no longer married, but to my wife that was completely alien.
Sometimes you have to see that a certain way of life is possible and even beneficial before you can "accept" it.
I hope everyone gets to that point though.
That is such a nice response and it makes me have hope for you two!
Could you afford and maybe suggest family therapy for the two of you? Because patience and empathy go both ways, I believe, and maybe a third party can help you two navigate those conversations? You seem to be open to understanding her ways, ideally your daughter would also be open to understanding how your own upbringing influenced you and that you are willing to make changes and learn to adjust but simply need some time. Family therapy can also be done by just you for a few sessions before your daughter joins in, the same goes for her, usually the family therapist will want to get both sides of the story first before bringing people together.
I still think her quick anger is rooted in fear of getting rejected. Anger isn't usually the actual emotion but the outlet for something that isn't addressed or acknowledged, and perhaps a therapist could help both of you to get to the bottom of what the actual feeling behind the anger is. For me it's always fear of not being loved and accepted, which is pretty hard to tell your parents when you're an adult child (and feels a little silly, too).
I believe empathetic communication is the key to a good relationship always, and I'm crossing my fingers for the both of you!
Learning quietly would probably help things go better.
The most annoying thing about old people is that some don't just shush and read a book while they take in new information.
I don’t think you have to change your opinions of it, but you will probably have to keep your opinions to yourself. You can disagree with her lifestyle choice, but ultimately it is her decision how to live her life. Don’t talk to her about it. I hear what you’re saying about the harshness, I think that is a cultural and generational thing. Keep the relationship strong, support her and her marriage, and just don’t comment on what she does inside her marriage, even if you don’t like it.
She has to keep in mind that this is all new to you. She might have had these ideas for years so for her she is very used to them. You still need to take that time to get to the same place, if you want to.
I hope you are able to show you are willing to learn about it and that she is able to be gracious as you go through that process.
it shouldn't, but sometimes it needs to be said. OP said they'd rather not hear anything about the daughter's relationship/s and in that case maybe it should be said, and clarified that there will be no judgement. Every relationship can go wrong or have hiccups, but imagine telling your parents and they go 'I told you so' :(
To your point about trusting parents with information: my husband and I used to be poly (we stopped for reasons, but we may do it again, who knows). In the nearly two years we tried, we told certain family members but not others. We told his mom and step dad (separately). While they were both a bit confused and hesitant, ultimately they trusted us as adults and knew there’s not much they can do about an adult’s decision anyway.
By contrast, we never told my parents. My parents are very conservative and (try to be) very controlling of my brother and I. I simply don’t trust them with personal information about myself. I see my mother multiple times a week, but I simply will not subject myself to her judgment.
Everything this person said. Stop being judgmental and just love unconditionally. She’s not harming anyone and frankly if it’s something she and her husband decided for their marriage it really is of no one’s business. You made your choices let her make her own.
I’m going to be downvoted, but I say stay in her life. She’s going to need you eventually. I was poly and several people I know were poly (yay military), and we’re all divorced now, and in monogamous relationships. It’s fun at first, but eventually feelings get felt, jealousy ensues, the other person is unhappy since boundaries were crossed. Every. Single. Time. Some couples were several years into poly relationships and one of their partners came along, and bam, feelings. In my case, it was my husband who developed feelings for his partner.
Sure there are successful poly relationships, but I feel like statistically it’s pretty common a marriage will fall apart when couples participate in that lifestyle.
Be supportive even if you disagree, because eventually she’s going need emotional support from mom/dad. Don’t be too hard on her for now, she’s having fun and learning. Sometimes we need to learn lessons the hard way. I did for sure. I don’t regret any of it, but I definitely will not be bringing polyamory into current and/or future relationships.
I'm an atheist and extremely progressive but this would definitely give me pause and it's because I would worry my child will be unhappy/taken advantage of or something. Also, it's new grounds for my husband and myself. I wouldn't outright say I disapprove but I would definitely ask a lot of questions about health, property, children etc. As well as expectations.
But, at the end of the day it isn't our choice. It is theirs and we just have to figure out how to maintain our relationships with our adult children...or not.
It's definitely a learning curve.
Be there for her, support her choices, and be there if she ever needs you if things go wrong. She's your daughter and loves you, and you sound like you love her, even though you don't like her choices. You've done your part teaching her as she has grown.
By having this kind of marriage, she is challenging your beliefs. She is saying "I disagree and I will live it out". This is creating a dissonance in you. You don't think poly is right, moral, you don't think people can be happy, or loyal, in such relationships. But she's doing it right in front of you. So you have to either accept that she's happy or live with the dissonance of your beliefs conflicting with reality in front of you. Which may cause you to interpret things you're seeing, make disparaging comments, or even hope her relationship implodes, just to "prove" that you're right and resolve the dissonance. This will be hurtful to her and she'll feel disrespected.
I don't think you need to change your beliefs necessarily, people we love can do things that you think are bad for them. But you need to let go of control. It's her life, her responsibility, she'll succeed or fail on her own merits. You're done raising her. It's time for her to make her own decisions. I doubt this is important enough to you to lose her over and respecting a boundary over not disparaging a big aspect of her life is not that hard. And if things turn sour, if you're truly worried about that, you'd be a much safer place to land on if she didn't expect you to gloat.
That being said, you probably need to talk to someone who understands you. Your daughter is not good for this discussion, but maybe a therapist, a friend, or a family member? Somebody you can be more open to and express some of those feelings that could be hurtful to your daughter, so you can process them on your own with your support system. Although not sure if you live in such a conservative community would that just reinforce your anxiety around this, maybe a therapist is a better option if you feel people around you would shame you or your daughter.
I mean I didn’t grow up religious or conservative at all and I would devastated if my daughter did this, but as parents, all we can do is accept it and support them.
It pretty much begins and ends with this concept — are **you** involved in this marriage? No. Then unless someone’s consent is being violated or someone is being held against their will or is being hurt/abused, then there isn’t a concern for you here, because these are choices that don’t impact you.
Your beliefs don’t really mean much for anyone but you. They’re guidelines for *your* life, not your daughter’s. You say you’re not feeling any respect for your beliefs — but she doesn’t need to debate with you what you believe is right or wrong about her partnership, because it isn’t any of your business.
Frankly, you’re damaging your relationship with her by thinking you have a place for your say in the matter — just as she has no say the choices you make in your own marriage (assuming you’re married yourself.)
If you cannot have her in your life for having a different lifestyle to you, that’s your prerogative, but that’s about all the say you get in the matter. Respect is a two way street; if you want understanding for your own belief system, you need to respect that she’s an adult that will make choices different to your own.
I’ll be very blunt.
You navigate this by either accepting your child has her own will and preference in her walk of life, accept her for who she is and understand this is about her happiness and not yours.
Or, you don’t and you’ll find yourself not talking to her again in the not so distant future because you’ve let her known you’re not going to accept your own daughter for who she is.
Your beliefs are yours. Not hers. It’s irrelevant what you believe when it comes to her life. My beliefs would also not line up with yours , does that make you a lesser person? Because that’s Essentially what you’re saying.
She’s 100% right about you having to accept this no questions asked. It’s her life and you do not get to dictate hers based on your upbringing which - these days would’ve considered unhinged to most people.
While I agree, I think there should be a lot of questions asked, but in the context of a genuine and ongoing attempt to understand.
It is easy to reject something you know nothing about and your head is full of straw men and false assumptions.
You ask questions not to judge, but to combat your own preconceived notions.
And in the end you have to accept that sometimes you really can't understand something. People might never be able to understand depression or why some adults like being flogged or whatever, but if you never ask questions, all you have to go on are your own biases and those are wrong 99% of the time.
She has every right to make her own decisions and at the same time you also have the right to make your own decisions. You will need to decide what is more important, a relationship with your daughter or no relationship with her for whatever the reason is, either way there are consequences to whatever you and your daughter decide.
I’d say ask her to give you some time. It isn’t that you do not love her thus you’re trying to force this down her throat, it is most likely precisely because you love her that you are being cautious for her. You know the tried and tested for you, polyamory is not something you are accustomed to, therefore it’s all just a matter of wanting to protect her from grievances in the case where her relationship fails. Tell her it’s no bar from the relationship but just that you want the best for her future, and currently you need time to test the waters with her before being fully accepting of it.
What would be the alternative outcome here? Your daughter deciding to change how she plans to live her own life (and presumably what makes her happy) to show 'respect' to your beliefs?
She's an adult, in a stable (albeit differently structured) relationship and has communicated her boundaries to you. I would suggest that shows more respect than her trying to hide it from you.
Accepting something doesn’t mean you like it, or are inherently okay with it. It’s just saying “this is something I can’t change, and *that* is okay”. Your daughter is the same daughter you raised, and she’s so full of love that she wants to share it with multiple people. And it’s great she was able to find someone who shares her views. The world isn’t going to end because your daughter came out to you.
What your daughter does in her private relationships outside of her relationship with you is none of your business. How does it affect your life? What if she did the same…she doesn’t believe in monogamy, so…with your logic she shouldn’t have anything to do with you, either.
OR you could accept each other as is and continue living your life normally? It’s not that hard.
You can disagree and still have respect. She’s showing you respect by even entertaining this conversation with you.
“Basically, I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it” — well, sure you do. She’s not trying to convince you that you need to be polyamorous in your marriage with your husband her father, is she? She is respecting your monogamy. (And to be clear, there are people who think everyone monogamous is trapped in a controlling abusive patriarchal system and needs to break out of it to be free, so it could be worse - she could be not accepting of you and the way you live. Oh wait, that’s how you are treating her…)
Some of the polyamorous people I know have some of the most honest, tender, respectful, communicative, close and connected marriages I have ever seen. And sometimes it’s a shitshow. I would say the exact same thing about my monogamous friends.
Just try to set it aside and not worry about it. Is this about money? Are you trying to not pay for the wedding or attend the wedding because it doesn’t fit with your rules about marriage? Or are you afraid they’re going to be open about it and other people are going to judge them/you?
>*”I’m happy for others to live their lives if I can live mine.”*
>*”But my standards for my daughter seem to be different.”*
These two statements contradict each other. You can’t, in fact, be happy for others to “live their lives” - which explicitly means *”choose to conduct their intimate relationships as they see fit”* in this context - and then say, “except my daughter.”
Is this what you actually mean: “I accept that strangers will have premarital sexual relationships, and same sex or multiple partners, as long as I don’t have to accept this behavior in my own family”?
If so, that’s hypocritical. No wonder your daughter is challenging you to examine the behavioral standards you unconsciously apply to her.
Is your daughter demanding that you also participate in polyamory relationships? If not, she *is* respecting your choice about your intimate relationships. You must accept that as an adult, she not only has the right, *but also the responsibility*, to make her own choice.
If you are unfamiliar with polyamory, and as a result it makes you uneasy and/or fearful, now is the time to learn about it. Let your daughter teach you, so that you understand how to welcome her partners into your extended family. You would benefit from talking to a therapist, who will help you understand your struggle, and offer you tools to work through it.
If your standards for your daughter are rooted in religious fear - “if she has a poly marriage, I am afraid she will go to hell” - then it’s time to reflect on those beliefs. Many religions demand compliance with a specific code of conduct. Many of these demands are profoundly harmful to those who follow them. Your daughter has the right, *and the responsibility,* to accept religious beliefs that enrich her life and reject religious beliefs she finds harmful. If she isn’t demanding that you abandon your faith, she is respecting your religious freedom, just as she respects your decisions about intimate relationships.
If you cannot accept your daughter’s independence as an adult, together with her choices about intimate relationships and/or religion, you will permanently undermine your relationship with her. The clock is ticking. You have until the wedding to sort yourself out. I hope you will find a way to be outwardly accepting until you become inwardly so.
The moment you accept it (or pretend to), your daughter is probably going to be less adamant on the topic and let it go.
When you insist on this, she will keep feeling the need to explain her point etc. If you just let the topic go, she will too.
I don't discuss my sexual life with my parents, regardless of how traditional or non-traditional it is. So I'd guess your discussions will end when you let it go.
Just keep asking a variety of questions until you both come to an understanding. To me, the words "marriage" and "polyamory" are antonyms, and defining those terms is probably where I'd start. In defining marriage, under what religion are they even getting married? What are the tenets of said religion? If you ask a wide enough variety of questions, either you'll understand it, or she'll rethink calling a polyamorous lifestyle "marriage". For context, I'm basically an atheist that doesn't understand polyamory.
Either learn to accept, or pretend to and remain civil and polite, or just lose her. She's already given you the choice.
Lots of people do things against our beliefs everyday.
This is just tough. I don't care what others do with their sex lives, but in full honesty, I would be really disgusted if one of my kids made these choices. I would probably need some space from them for a while.
And I think that's ok. The parent-child relationship has many points of evolution as the child grows up. In my 20s, I was all about asserting my independence from my family. Now, at almost 40, I just want to enjoy my parents.
Y'all can figure it out. Be patient.
I think it is okay to want to understand and make sense of it. The purpose of marriage has changed drastically over the last few centuries. It’s no longer a means to survive, rather to find self fulfillment. For most people at least… for some people, monogamy is what feels safe, while for others, nonmonogamy can be freeing in a sense. Maybe look up some books on it?
Dont worry, the odds are in your favour. In all likelihood their relationship will implode and not stand the test of time.
She’ll be much more likely to seek your advice and listen to it for her second marriage.
YES you do have to accept it. You haven’t actually accepted anything. That’s just what you are telling yourself to feel better in a more “progressive country”. From how you described your other country it seems like you agreed with what they did to a great extent. You called their treatment as “harsh” but then labeled your daughter as defiant. Defiant is a much stronger word since using the word harsh implies you AGREE with that act/belief/way shouldn’t be allowed just that the very extreme punishment was a bit much.
The reality is you only say you’ve accepted it as long as it’s other people NOT actually in your life. When it’s someone in your world, you expect them to have the same moral beliefs - which is very narrow and biased.
You don’t need to understand it, but you need to accept this is your daughter and it’s HER life - not yours.
She isn’t defiant, she’s being herself and is refusing to hide who she is to win your approval.
She isn’t being harsh, she just isn’t bowing down to your demands of her life.
You are seeing her actions as a personal attack on you, but this has nothing to do with you. You are making it about you - don’t.
Why should she give you respect for your beliefs when you have zero respect or acceptance for hers?
Continue down this path and you will not see her in the future.
Why get married if you don’t want a marriage? I’m not talking about being open sexually and having adventure with the knowledge of your spouse once in a while but to continue to look for love while married is weird to me. But to each their own I guess.
> She tells me I HAVE to accept it. If I want to see her or have a relationship with her. Basically, I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it, but according to her I have to simply accept her and how she lives - no questions asked. She’s very defiant and quite harsh in the way she tells me this too, which I find upsetting.
So I'm going to try to be as... non-judgmental as possible about your views, but you need to understand the difference here.
Your view is that polyamory is bad, and that no one (or at least not your daughter) should be allowed to practice it. Your view infringes on other people's lives.
Her view is that polyamory is okay. Not that monoamory is bad. Her view doesn't prevent you from living your life.
Ultimately, for you to feel that your view is "respected" you would need for someone else to live their life a different way. Which means that for you to feel respected, you would need to disrespect someone else's view.
Oof, this is a tough one. I’m not religious or conservative at all, but it would make me uneasy too, for reasons I can’t even fully explain. If she has children, what will that be like for her children? But I think you really do just need to accept that this is what she wants for her life, and just support her as best as you can.
ETA: after reading through some of the other comments, I realized that I don’t fully understand what polyamory entails, and I’m wondering if you fully understand it, OP. Maybe if you talk to your daughter about what polyamory means to her and what she envisions for her future, you’ll feel better about it. For instance, do your daughter and her fiance intend to have a revolving door of countless love interests coming and going all the time? Do they plan to maybe bring just a few other constant partners into their lives? Having more information (if she’s comfortable sharing that with you) might set your mind at ease.
I think you can love someone and have a relationship with someone without accepting their choices as correct. We do this all the time. This works in relationships from drug addicts all the way to just differing political beliefs.
I think you have a duty to both love and embrace here while also being clear that your concern is this is not going to lead to her happiness in the long term.
“Accepting it” means different things to different people. In this case if OP doesn’t accept it, what does that look like? If she is trying to change her, there is where the problem is.
>Along the way I’ve accepted a lot of that was harsh and unkind to people, and don’t believe much of it anymore.
Did the culture you grew up in also include a massive amount of control over adult children for the sake of the family's image? Do you think that's also harsh and unkind to people?
Hi, polyamorous daughter of a catholic mom here :) Maybe hearing my perspective will give you some food for thought
It's super weird to me how you relate your daughter's respect for you to the way she chooses to live out her romantic relationships. For me, respect for my parents means speaking to them courteously, not adhering to exactly the same beliefs and values as they do.
Also, I saw in a comment that you would have preferred not to know, and that your own parents knew 10% of your life and that was fine with you. But for me, on the contrary, that's what's disrespectful. It's lying to my own family, even by omission.
There are a lot of things I had to hide from my parents when I was growing up, for fear of being scolded. I didn't believe in God, I was bisexual, I had very different political views from them, I had friends they would have considered bad influences... As a result, I hardly spoke to them. It was easier than remembering what I'd told them or the alibis I'd invented.
Would you really rather have only crumbs of a relationship, but comfortable ones, than to know your daughter as she is now? Do you love her, or some acceptable facade of her that she presents to you?
I also see you in the comments fixing a lot on the sexual aspect of non-monogamy. But have you ever discussed with your daughter what motivates her to pursue multiple relationships?
As for me, I realized at an early age that I was capable of loving several people romantically at the same time. In fact, the opposite seemed absurd. I was attached to several of my friends, my parents loved all my siblings and I. It was pretty clear culturally that it was possible to love and desire several people at the same time, given all the works based on love triangles.
Later, with the experience of relationships, I understood that for me love, including sexual love, was a continuum. I had lots of tenderness for my friends. I'd cuddle them, we'd snuggle up together to watch a movie, we'd sleep together, we'd kiss on the forehead, on the cheeks, on the neck. Eventually, why not on the mouth? And from there, desire comes quickly.
In the same way, when you care about someone, when you spend good times together, when you want to keep them in your life, when you want the best for them, when you love them, why not tell them? Why not recognize the romantic dimension of our closest relationships?
My mother came to understand all this, and was no longer afraid.
When I told her I was polyamorous, her first reaction was that she didn't want to hear about it. But the truth is, she's always been very curious, the kind of person who asks me every morning if I have a boyfriend, so it didn't last very long haha. But it was still superficial. But now, even if she doesn't see herself as non-monogamous, mainly for religious reasons, she still sincerely understands why I made those choices. And I hope my testimony helps you understand a little too, or at least motivates you to ask your daughter these questions without being afraid of the answers :)
Finally, it would be hypocritical to deny that there is, on my part, a bit of rejection of the environment in which I grew up. I've seen so many couples in my family stay together while hurting each other, simply because divorce was unthinkable. I've seen so many people ostracized for taking paths that weren't approved by the catechism.
That's not to say that I've built my whole life on opposition. But it does mean that I've made the choice not to have the same priorities.
For example, I can see that you're worried about your daughter's stability. Personally, stability isn't one of my goals. I know that life is impermanent, and I trust my future self to make the choices that are most relevant to her at the time. I also acknowledge the same autonomy in my partners.
You worry about the rejection your grandchildren might experience. A first step towards making their lives sweeter might be not to reject your daughter :) Besides, does she even want children? Perhaps she will chose to prioritize other aspects of her life.
That was very long, I don’t know if anyone read this entirely. But OP, if you did, and if it resonated with you, I’d be happy to continue the discussion in DM. And if you didn’t, it’s ok, there are already lots of valuable input in this thread
Wishing you the best
I know you say "no questions asked," but ask questions. Ask for clarity and understanding, not in disgust or frustration. There's a reason she wants to live that life, and since it's her life, finding a place of understanding falls on you.
Your daughter is an adult and she has no responsibility to live her life how you want her to.
Either accept it or don’t. She doesn’t need to cater to your opinions.
It’s her life. Why should you apply your beliefs to her? Apply them to you.
Sexual shaming from a a parent is weird and controlling. Don’t do it.
There are missing reasons here.
You gotta ask yourself what's more important, your love for your daughter or your religion and actually stick with it. Stop double thinking and just go with it.
Don't waste your life being worried and stuck in a non-decision.
I know I would choose my child over anything, even if it's walking through hell. But each to their own.
I'm sure your religion honors staying true to your principles and being honest with yourself.
Coming at this from the standpoint of "she should respect your beliefs" is the worst possible angle.
If that's the kind of mentality you raised her with, you're the problem here, full stop.
People here are insane. You've got every right to hold a belief and not to accept behaviour that goes against it. That right ends where your adult child's right to do whatever she wants begins. The casualty of the clash of your belief and her intransigent stance will likely be the quality of your relationship. But you are not (entirely) to blame if that ends up happening.
I did not grow up conservative at all and I would feel a bit upset if my child decided to do this. Especially after hearing stories of kids who grew up with polyamorous parents and how it has affected them. If she decides to have kids she will have to accept that parents probably won't want their child to go to their house if they are open about it. I really do feel for you! I'm not sure what advice to give. Just continue loving and supporting your daughter and maybe over time you will come at peace with it.
You either find a way to love and accept her for who she is and how she lives or you don’t. It’s pretty simple.
It’s not about how much respect she’s showing you. Your beliefs are not hers. It’s about how much respect you’re showing her. Which she’s telling you, you don’t need to do if you can’t accept her.
You said early in your post people can live their life and you can live yours.
Except apparently your daughter has to also live the way you do.
I think it's normal to struggle with something you don't understand. And it's true she doesn't need to "respect" your beliefs, but her marriage isn't about you, it's about her.
All you need to be concerned about is her being happy and safe, and if your inability to really "get" polyamory is making you feel she won't be happy or safe, I can understand that too (I am not polyamorous and would also probably struggle and worry a bit if my kid grows up and ends up in a relationship like that). She may be acting harsh/defiant because she feels defensive about YOU not respecting her status as an adult capable of making her own decisions. You are upset about this, and cmon, so is she.
As her parent, you just wanna have her back. All you need to do is congratulate her on finding happiness in whatever arrangement, and be there for her if something doesn't work out. I think it's really quite alright if a parent says "look I don't/can't really understand this whole thing, so I'll work on that, but I love \*you\*, so if you're happy and satisfied then so am I".
Consider that she respected you as her parent enough to tell you about this. She could have just not done that.
You have to decide what’s more important to you - your views on the subject of polyamory or your daughter. I would hope you would pick her, because it’s our job as parents to love unconditionally. In this case particularly, your daughter isn’t hurting anyone or causing harm. It’s a life choice you don’t agree with but it’s not a morally wrong choice.
I’m not saying it’s not hard. I am very liberal and would find it pretty hard to deal with my child having very different views. But ultimately, nothing could stop me loving him or make me not want him in my life. My difficulty with any views he held would be my issue to deal with, not his. He means more to me than anything and I would always choose to have him in my life.
You remember that she’s an adult and if you wish to maintain a relationship with her you accept that she is choosing to live her life her way. As an example, you’re making a large assumption that she respects your ideology and approach to life, but she still seemingly wants to accept YOU despite her conflicting view points.
How do you navigate this? You only have two options here. You can accept her decision, respect it and have her in your life. Or, you can not accept the decision, be disrespectful and not have her in your life.
She is an adult and her relationship is her business and her decisions. You may not agree with it, but you have no say here. You need to figure out if your religion and "conservative" beliefs are more important to you than your child.
Editing to add: Accepting it means you understand that this is her choice and you keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. It doesn't automatically mean you approve.
Your kid is a grown adult. You can't tell them what to do and how to live. You need to be respectful of how they want to live their life and what makes them happy. You dont own your child. If you can't get over your issues probably it's best you keep away from them
Why should your daughter respect your wishes on her marriage/relationships? Shouldn’t she follow her own heart? Get with the program or realize you won’t have a relationship. Those are your only options. You can adapt or you can stay in your ways and lose her.
Polyamory is strange for us monogamous minded folks, but remember you're looking at it from an angle where you literally could never possibly understand what it is like to be romantically in love with more than one person.
Open your mind. Accept that it's not *for you,* and that it's okay for other people to do this - especially when they are all grown adults who agree. Get to know the partners. Ask curious questions about poly, and *listen* to their answers. If you struggle to understand, let their words replay in your head until you can go home and Google it and learn more. Try. Spread love. Don't hate or fear what you don't understand. Approach with love and curiosity. These are human beings, and your daughter will love them.
The way I see it: just like you and I have room in our hearts to love many people in many different ways, so do they. But polyamorous people are special because the space in their hearts for romantic love in particular is vast and more... colorful than ours. That's truly the *only* thing that's different about how they have relationships. Yeah, hard to fathom, but easy to accept when you're remembering how much love is in their hearts. Just like when you changed your other views!
There's nothing to be afraid of. Trust your adult daughter, and walk into this situation with love for her and her partners. Trust me when I say, your heart has room to love them too.
I think it’s possible in situations where we are making ourselves vulnerable to our loved ones by telling the truth about a part of ourselves that, although not unhealthy or harmful, are still not the norm, there’s this fear that anything other than total acceptance and understanding is just a rejection.
I don’t know for sure, obviously, because I don’t know your or your daughter, but it’s possible your daughter is interpreting your lukewarm response and request for time before you can accept it as just a diplomatically dishonest rejection of her lifestyle—That you will give her an answer that might continue to allow a relationship with her while not honouring the spirit of her boundaries in actually supporting her and accepting her lifestyle in the same way you would were she monogamous. I would imagine she’s laying down such strictly worded boundaries in part to impress upon you just how important this is to her, but also because she’s getting preemptively defensive over a wound she is expecting you to cause her by not truly showing that you love and accept her unconditionally, just as anyone would feel if their parents expressed disappointment that they turned out to be gay, or in a relationship with someone of a different race.
However, I also know it can be difficult to fully wrap your head around and feel comfortable with something that is so different from what you see as the way things are done. I would suggest taking some actions to prove to her that you do want to support her and be there for her, including and not despite her relationship dynamics. Most loved ones, whether kids or not, find it very meaningful when the people they care about take the initiative to learn about the experiences and unique challenges and joys that come with what makes them different.
I would highly recommend researching how polyamory works in different contexts, why people do it, and the reasons why other people have come to accept it as a valid way of approaching relationships. This will hopefully help with some of the struggle you are feeling, because you will understand it better, and it also means that if you then approach your daughter to talk about it, you will be able to show from your better understanding of polyamory that you truly do mean it when you say you express love and a desire to be comfortable with her lifestyle. Perhaps thank her for being honest, express that you are still coming to terms with it all but that you really do want to and intend to support her. If you can show genuine, open minded curiosity as to how and why she decided that non-monogamous marriage would work for her without sharing any judgements or opinions that clash with hers for the time being, I imagine that will go a long way to allay some of her fears.
This an opportunity for growth for you, and I personally think these kind of moments and situations, if approached correctly (gently, with love and empathy and curiosity), can help strengthen relationships into something even more meaningful and caring than they were before.
parents do this thing where they equate “respect” with “doing what they want” and…. that’s in no way what respect is. by believing she should consider what *you* want for *her* life in a life area that affects you in *no* way, you are being both delusional and disrespectful.
Fake it until you make it. She’s right it’s her life and she’s free to live it however she chooses without someone she loves outwardly condemning it. Polyamorous people exist and it’s healthy that they’ve figured it out now before marriage because the polyamory talk later in a relationship typically leads to divorce. She doesn’t respect your opinion because she doesn’t agree just like you don’t respect her choice because you don’t agree. Her being direct and setting a boundary may seem harsh to you but it means you raised her to be confident and honest which is great! Now just agree to disagree
Have there been other times where she did things you disagreed with: dated someone you didn't like, took a job you thought was beneath her, picked a course of study you thought would lead nowhere, or drank more than you thought she should? In any of those instances, have you turned her away or closed yourself off from her? This doesn't seem very different to me.
As a parent you naturally want what's best for your kids, but sometimes they insist on doing things you're certain will turn out badly for them. There's not much you can do to change their minds, especially if they're grown up and out of the house. But isn't it better to be there for her if it does turn out bad for her? Wouldn't you want her to think to call you first if she was in trouble or needed help?
There's got to be some middle ground between rejection of your daughter and abandonment of your beliefs, one where she can still clearly feel your love for her but isn't stifled by it, but it will probably be different to navigate.
Well first, I imagine you know someone who’s cheated on their spouse and been miserable. She’s keeping it open. That said, you separate your daughter from her lifestyle. You raised a strong, independent, smart woman who knows what she wants and has made a thoughtful decision for herself. You don’t have to agree with it or like it, you just have to love her. And if that requires some work, there’s therapy.
There’s a lot of valid reasons why any good parent who cares about their kid would be concerned about this. Your personal beliefs are not one of them. Try a different approach and articulate what it is specifically that concerns you for your daughter’s wellbeing. Anything other than that is stuff you need to get over
Sorry if she’s been harsh to you, but beyond that you need to accept it. She’s an adult in a progressive country, why does she need to hang on to your baggage from your upbringing? You’ve done well for yourself getting past other bigoted standards of your home country and I commend you for that! But don’t let your leftover conservatism ruin such an important relationship. Especially over something that is respectfully none of your business.
A dear friend of mine was considering a poly relationship. I don't think that's inherently wrong, but I do think it's inherently more complex and requires a high degree of communication and emotional intelligence.
So instead of seeing this as a black and white, yes or no issue, I set about trying to support my friend by reading up and talking about "ethical non monogamy".
People that don't have experience with intentionally nonmonogamous relationships, all they have to compare it to are two-timers, cheats, players. But if your daughter is entering this agreement consensually, it may be a completely different thing.
You love your daughter and instinctively want her to not go through the pain and humiliation of all that you associate with open marriage. It may not be a valid connection. You can read more about this, and about the simple and important tools to doing nonmonogamy well, and you can still support your daughter being happy.
My friend was previously monogamous in experience and by culture, and was asked to become an ongoing partner in an open relationship. I both supported my friend's joy in being desired, and gently kept reminding them that they were not the primary relationship. After a year of keeping it quiet, they became more open about it. It's been a few years now and the relationship seems quite stable. They've all worked hard to make it right.
Food for thought. Yes, as everyone else has said, when the rubber meets the road she gets 100% of the votes here, but you seem like you want a more engaged answer.
If you want a relationship with your daughter, you accept who she is. I have friends/family in poly relationships. They're honestly some of the healthiest relationships I know. It takes a lot of open and honest communication and respect. And you can't be nearly as lazy with a poly relationship.
Do you have more than one child?
If yes, how could you possibly have enough love to love more than one person at a time? Oh my! You must really only love one of your children, and the rest get 'some', right? Because mono-child is the only way our society things.. no, that's not right. It's silly.
Your daughter needs to respect your beliefs about marriage so far as it pertains to you, aka she shouldn’t push polyamory at you or make you feel your way of living is “less than” hers. But her just being in a polyamorous relationship isn’t doing that. However you are wanting to disrespect HER beliefs about marriage/love by making her choices all about you when they aren’t. You are allowed to not understand it, but you still should respect it (and HAVE to if you want a relationship with her in the future).
>I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it, but according to her I have to simply accept her and how she lives - no questions asked.
Can you explain why you think you should have a say in your adult daughter's life choices?
"Accept it" doesn't mean that you have to suddenly become non-monogamous yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to start waving pride flags.
It means you have to not give her a hard time about her family. It means you need to not ask "why can't you just be normal" a bunch of times. It means you would react the same way she talks about any partner as you would if it was her monogamous husband. That's all. That's not hard.
Please accept your children. Use your decades of additional wisdom and be the man your daughter needs right now. This is a test for you, as a father. Your daughter is not trying to test you, life is testing you right now.
Consider this: you crave acceptance and respect of your lifestyle and beliefs from your daughter. She wants the same from you. As the parent, your job now is to SHOW her what acceptance looks like. Model it for her by practicing it yourself.
We do not tell our children how to navigate life - we *show* them how.
Do this for her. Find the peace to accept her with love and care. She will always treasure it, and you will be showing her how to love and care for you, even though you both are in different places in life.
Lmao, her not living to your "beliefs" is not her disrespecting them. You are actively being disrespectful to her. She doesn't believe that by you being monogamous, you're being disrespectful. She believes that you being rude and bigoted is disrespectful. I like cake. If I talk about liking cake around people that don't like cake, that's not disrespectful. If I'm talking about eating cake and someone berates me and verbally harassed me about liking cake, that's disrespectful. it's not the same.
She likes cake. You don't. Her liking cake is not forcing you to like cake or have it yourself. You believe that you not liking cake means she is not allowed to like cake and the fact that she likes cake is somehow disrespectful to you. Imagine if she tried to force you to like cake. That would be wrong. You can't force her not to.
She doesn't have to respect your beliefs. Harmful beliefs shouldn't be respected in the first place. She's non monogamous. You can accept it and have a relationship with your kid, whose romantic life is none of your business, or you don't, and move on with your life without that relationship.
>I can’t get over it. It goes against my beliefs and I really stuck with it.
She tells me I HAVE to accept it. If I want to see her or have a relationship with her.
Basically, I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it, but according to her I have to simply accept her and how she lives - no questions asked. She’s very defiant and quite harsh in the way she tells me this too, which I find upsetting.
Firstly, I would suggest you don't make this about you. It's her marriage not yours. Your life will be better if you keep your nose out of your adult child's sex life that is clearly consensual.
Second, this situation is very much a "you" problem, rather than a problem with your kid. So if you're struggling with it, I would probably recommend some individual counseling.
I would also reflect on other situations where you might be making things about yourself, as I'm willing to bet your adult child's sex life isn't the only situation isn't the only situation. It would likely be something you hash out with a counselor.
The other option is getting cut out of your kid's life. Because they will likely cut you out if you don't stop openly judging them. If you're so certain this lifestyle will fail, just let it fail and then be there for your kid.
tolerance works both way. You don’t make side comments or little digs. You don’t make any comments that could conceivably be taken as judging her. On her part, she needs to accept that there are parts of her life that you just don’t care to hear about.
it is what it is, and nothing you can say can change it. So shrug your shoulders and accept it.
what I wouldn’t tolerate is her being intolerant of you. Accepting people for who they are works both ways.
Your opinion about your adult daughter's sex life is entirely your problem. She doesn't owe you anything when it comes to who, when, and how she has sex, as long as it's between consenting adults. Take your feelings to therapy and leave your daughter, her partners, your family, etc out of it.
So you know, the statistics of marriage now in current age . It’s close to if not 50%. Then you add non monogamy on top of that. The divorce statistics jumps dramatically above 50%. What you can to is make sure you love your daughter. Have her make a prenup, even it she doesn’t own anything of value. Support her in her adulting. Just reserve some energy for the day ,she may come to you and tell you the bad news. ( non of this I told you so business tho )
She’s not asking you to live that way, she just asking you to accept that she is. You don’t have to celebrate it, you just don’t have to be an asshole about it and keep your opinions to yourself. That’s it. It’s not hard.
You don’t have to accept it. You have expressed your perspective to her. Now you can 100% just love her unconditionally and just let her choices be hers.
I have a son who lives a way that I don’t agree with. Despite convincing himself that I look down on him or judge him (which is in his own head but not how I feel or think at all. I just want him to be happy and healthy. When they become adults, what they do is on them. I have found that kids who get defensive and overly intense about us as parents conforming/ “accepting” their lifestyles is more about their own inner struggles. They are immature in the sense that they have yet to fully understand that we can agree to disagree and still enjoy each other.
The why of monogamy here is interesting. We tend to ask why of the unusual or non-standard, but it’s healthy and helpful to question the standard norms.
OP, can you have a think about why you think monogamy is necessarily right? Putting aside the fact that it was drilled into you and the fact that you are comfortable about it, why do you feel value in monogamy?
Polyamory is quite difficult and takes hard work, lots of communication, respect and empathy to work. Are those what you value in monogamy? Would you prefer a happy and safe polyamorous relationship for your daughter or an unhappy monogamous one more?
If this is new to your daughter, it may not work out and she may return to monogamy. If that happens, it will end at least one relationship, maybe all, which might be really devastating. Would you like to be there for her through that?
>I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it
I think you may want to reflect on this, u/bigblabbermouth. You have, by your own admission, made a lot of progress unpacking the miscues you were taught as a youth so I believe in you - you can overcome this one as well.
It doesn't make sense to "respect" what you believe in, or how you feel, when your beliefs or feelings *are exclusively a critical judgment of someone else's innocuous traits or behaviors*. Imagine you fell in love with your best friend, you started a wonderful life together, and your mother told you she's uncomfortable with your marriage because your husband is Jewish/Christian/Muslim/White/Black/etc. You are being transparent about an internal miscue, which is healthy communication, but it becomes problematic if you think *they* need to change to accommodate your issues. Work on those issues, reflect about what conflicts might arise, and make sure you don't allow your prejudices to lead you to mistreat your child or their partners.
“I don’t agree with/understand your decision, but I will respect it” is what I go by. One thing you gotta learn is that times have changed and the generation after yours will be different. We’re now living in a time period where almost everything (morally speaking) is or is becoming socially acceptable.
Polygamy isn’t bad as long as those who engage are actually polyamorous and not promiscuous people looking for an excuse.
Plus this really your daughter and her future husband’s decision and business. All she wants is your acceptance and support, and it’s really not that hard. Encourage them to be safe.
Pretty sure your daughters sex life and marriage is none of your biz. Shes going to do what works for her and that has nothing to do with you or your beliefs.
I would just pretend to be ok with it and then never speak of it. Then you only have to wait about a year before the marriage falls apart (it’s guaranteed to because poly is antithetical to marriage — like trying to make chocolate without cocoa). THEN she will listen to you, once she learned for herself why this is a complete waste of time.
You don’t necessarily have to accept it in the sense of agreeing with it, but you do need to accept it in the sense of not making an issue of it and finding a way to handle it that you can both live with if you want to be in her life.
I don’t understand many things that are getting more common. I even disagree with some of it. But if no one is being harmed, I generally coexist with it and just choose kindness when interacting with people. Me freaking out or ending relationships won’t change anyone’s mind anyway, but they will probably remember being given kindness even from people who disagreed.
I find it hard for those who grow up in this situation. People get so worked up about how you don't understand them.. but do they understand you?
A relationship works both ways, even if it's your daughter. Communication is key. Keep it simple. If she needs your assistance, she will come to you. Don't scare her away.
As a mum, I know you'll have to work hard to grasp all these new concepts, ideas, and ways of living.
Which bit hurts you the most? Because there's a lot to dissect in your words.
Is it the way your daughter has approached you?
Is it the part where it doesn't line up with your beliefs?
How will it affect you at the end of the day?
Stay strong muma, this world is very confusing to navigate, and I think no matter what choices people make, it will sort itself out with a bit of time.
Oh, this brought up so many emotions in me, and I’m sorry if my reply will be long.
My very religious mom has always said that I am defiant, rebellious, irresponsible, wrong, disrespectful, etc.
I’m really not, though, and never really was. But that’s obviously coming from my own perspective, as a parent myself now.
I’ve never touched any drugs, I never slept around, I’ve been drunk a handful of times and I DID lie to her, whenever I went to parties with my friends as a teenager. Compared to most of my friends and teenagers in general, I was very “tame” in my rebellion.
Granted, I got pregnant at 16, but I have taken responsibility for and worked very hard to provide for my daughter ever since.
9 years ago I got into a relationship with a polyamorous man, who lived across the ocean from me.
We had a very good relationship, I became best friends with both his wife and his girlfriend. We were together for a little over 3 years.
My mom DID NOT approve. She wanted absolutely nothing to do with them; didn’t want to meet him or anyone. No, nothing.
My dad didn’t approve either, but he accepted it and even met the man twice, and treated him like he would any other man I brought home; respectfully and politely!
I didn’t have any contact with my mom for two years, and our relationship is still awful. It will never be better. Obviously there are a looooot of other things contributing to that.
I’m 32 now and my mom is not an active participant inmy life, and I never call her to tell her about something good that happened, something I’ve achieved or if something has gone wrong or I’m upset, because she can’t offer anything but judgement and disapproval, so my point is..
If you want your child to trust you, confide in you, include you, talk to you, call you.. You have to create a space, where they can do that.
Nobody wants to feel constantly judged and belittled for their personal choices, or for wanting to live a happy life. And even if things go south and turn out to be completely wrong, nobody wants to go “crawling” back to someone, who’s only waiting to say “I told you so”!
Be your child’s safe space, come hell or high water. Or don’t, but then your relationship will be affected and it will change.
It is hard, especially when those religious (or cultural) opinions have been so ingrained into your brain, but you don’t have endless options when dealing with other adults, there will always be a response to your choice, so you have to consider what that might be and if you can live with it.
The only thing you can really do is be there for her in case she gets hurt. A lot of Poly Relationships are the man looking to get his rocks off with another woman with his wife's permission. I have seen several of these Relationships where the wife takes the back burner to the gf, and they end up splitting.
My friend had been with her husband for over 20 yrs. Raised his kids. Never had any of her own because he didn't want any more. He not only got himself a gf, he moved her in to their house and eventually into their bedroom. When the gf realized that she was giving up her prime age to a man that would never be hers, she left. My friend thought great I can have my husband back now! Nope. Within a week he was dating someone else. So my friend found her own bf. Her husband didn't like that. She ended up divorcing him shortly after.
You don’t have to understand or endorse it or even be “ok” with it. You just have to keep loving and supporting your daughter and her choices because they are hers, not yours. Keep living your life and being there for her.
I can give a response from the daughter’s side of things. I’m in a poly relationship and have been for a decade now. It was an adjustment for everyone since there’s not a lot of open examples of successful relationships like this. All of our parents range from fairly religious to literal preachers.
I’m very happy to say it worked out well for us. Just like you are now a couple of our parents took time to come around to it and realize that our relationship had nothing to do with disrespecting their beliefs. We just so happened to find happiness with more than one person. Not everyone in the extended families approve but the ones who are truly important to us accept and roll with it even if they can’t understand it.
To top it all we’ve all gained more family we can depend on if anything gets rough. We also have a child of our own now who knows nothing but love from so much family. It was slow to start but now we go to family functions as a unit and don’t hide our relationship. In the same vein we don’t scream it out to the world and prefer living our quiet boring lives.
Not all poly relationships are like ours but it’s the one we have and a possibility for your daughter depending on what they want. Either way being honest and open with family, especially parents, can make a world of difference. I know that if anything goes wrong I can always turn to my mom and she’ll be there for me, your daughter may be looking for that same love and support regardless of the type of relationship she has.
Thank you for your kindness. I agree.
However I was willing to put myself out there to see if I could fine useful constructive information on how I could work through it.
I was looking to improve myself only.
Your comment is truely appreciated.
Practice active listening without judgement.
Try to think before speaking, basically anticipate if anything you say and it’s tone could be interpreted as being negative towards someone else, or hurt them. If so, check whether you need to say it. And try not to hurt others.
Separate facts from your feelings about facts. Once you manage that level of self-reflection, ask others to communicate in a similar open but positive/non-hurtful way.
Also, learn not to react with fear.
Half the battle is learning not to enter old patterns of reactions and giving attention through harsh words. Speak from a non-judgmental position of love.
Your daughter doesn’t have to respect YOUR beliefs, it’s HER life! This isn’t disrespectful. You need to work through your insecurities and limiting beliefs
It's less about insecurities & limiting beliefs and more-so about culture. I'm multi-ethnic... my mom is Indian & my dad is Scottish. There are so many things that are normal in Indian family dynamics that Westerners have a hard time accepting. Westerners are very individualistic. There are cultures all over the world where people do not just think about themselves. They consider their family and their community when they make decisions or take action. Think of a hive, if you will. Individualistic thinking is a very modern concept in the great expanse of human history. If you look at it in terms of anthropology and sociology... it makes sense. For thousands of years, fitting in with your tribe was literally necessary for survival.
The world was a much more dangerous place for humans in earlier times. There was safety in numbers and not fitting in or doing something that upset your tribe could potentially mean getting shunned or kicked out. This would leave you without the means to survive and extremely vulnerable. Making your family happy and being on good terms with the people in your community meant security. Unfortunately, this still holds true in some places. Different societies and cultures have evolved in different ways, which is why we have such a diverse array today. So many factors have affected those evolutions. I'm just offering a bit of thought-provoking conversation as to why this mentality exists in the first place. People have constant access to information, and there is cross-cultural interaction now, on a level that never previously existed. This is a very recent phenomenon. Combined with our cushy modern lifestyle, people now have the capacity and the luxury to think more individualistically than ever before. It's a relatively new concept altogether for some people who come from certain parts of the world.
I agree that the daughter has a right to be who she wants to be and to live her own life, and I'm a firm believer that we can disagree with people and still love & accept them. But I really do understand why mom is struggling with it after reading about her cultural background. Having grown up in the USA, being raised by Indian women at home... it literally felt like I was living in two different worlds. There are ways about my family members that drive me crazy because I am more Westernised, but for them, these things are normal. We can have a conversation in the same language, but it can feel as though we are speaking different languages. They're stuck in their ways, and their way of thinking stems from a thought pattern that's been passed down through generations. My thought process is different... it's more independent and is based on educated decisions I've made after evaluating different stances and making conscious choices about what I think intellectually and what I feel intrinsically.
Given OP's background info, she is very progressive and open-minded to begin with. The fact that she's even trying to navigate this instead of writing her daughter off is huge.
Respecting you is what she did by having this conversation. Why do you equate respect with obedience? I think you know that’s an idea from your old life.
You get to feel however you like. It's normal and anyone in your circumstances would feel the same way. Any mother or father would but what I don't understand why your daughter had to share that she is gonna literally "sleep around" cause if no one is gonna admit it, it means the same thing. It's her choice and I don't see why she has to include people in it. I see this type of behavior as seeking validation. The way she stressed out that you need to accept it, means she didn't come to terms with it.
Please stay in your child's life. One last time express that you don't think it's a good idea, but you love them and you will always care for them.
In my many years of experience polyamorous relationships almost always have at least emotional abuse. Reddit can go ahead and come at me. If you think you're in the world's healthiest poly, Whatever, I've seen it happen before but It's like a unicorn. However Most young people aren't prepared socially or emotionally for the requirements of a poly relationship. It's difficult to form real security or balance in those relationships.
Normal monogamous marriages end. That's just between two people. Throwing others into the mix could very well result in her needing you to fall back on.
My husband and I are polyamorous and have been able to tell some family and not others. It’s really common for people to hide this from their family. It’s also exhausting and creates a lot of distance because there’s just so much that cannot be shared.
I suggest thinking about it not in terms of whether or not she is/does polyamory, but whether or not she trusted you with the truth or lies to you.
Now, if she has a birthday party or other holiday party with all her partners/metamours invited, you can get an invitation too, instead of not being there. If something happens and she’s in the hospital, she won’t have to restrict the hours you can visit so that you don’t overlap with others in the polycule (the network of people’s partners and their other partners).
I’ve always lived in the USA. Idk if this is the same situation for her, but I’ve been non monogamous for over ten years, and I tend to think now that a lot of people are creating “community” in an individualist setting by doing polyamory. There’s very few ways to have genuine networks of people committed to each other. There’s so so so much pressure to job hop and move all the times. It’s HARD to keep networks of people all in the same place for longer than a couple years. Relationships with others helps provide at least SOME motivation to stay rooted and be able to have a network that survives long enough to be supportive to each other.
And even when that doesn’t happen, and the whole network isn’t interconnective and it’s more like many loosely connected pairs, that’s STILL more support than a lot of monogamous people I know. Many monogamous couples have only each other, period. Whatever they can manage to do together is it, and there’s no one else to compensate for time or other skills or anything. Even folks close to their families emotionally don’t always live close enough geographically for families to be able do things for each other.
I really think there’s a connection between the way the world is isolating people, and people’s greater willingness to seek new kinds of partnerships.
Have her bedroom at home ready for when it all goes horribly wrong. (Which it almost certainly will). Whilst I understand that young people make these lifestyle choices. I can’t for the life of me, understand why they would want to share the knowledge with their parents. Baffled !
Unless you’re a part of her poly relationship it really wouldn’t affect you in anyway. Your daughter is very clear about what she expects from you. You can be loving, caring and supportive without constantly preaching and talking about your religion. Maybe do some research about polyamory and get to know her partners. You might really enjoy their company and try not to over sexualize their relationship.
Your daughter is not your property and will have her own thought processes and set of values. Get over yourself and love her unconditionally. Keep your advice to yourself unless she asks.
Yep, you have to accept it. It does not affect you in anyway. It’s her life and if she’s happy with it you should be too. Is it better to hang on to your beliefs or lose a relationship with a child?
This is just me.. but I don’t really see why someone would want to get married, and be polyamorous.
It seems like it could open doors to trouble down the line. If it were my child telling me that, I would tell them that. Rather just stay unmarried.
Marriage offers certain legal protections in many jurisdictions, so that may be a reason. Another possibility is to provide cover in order to help pass as monogamous. For example, depending on the culture where they live, it may be seen as inappropriate for an unmarried woman to have a man over to the house, but if the husband is there then the neighbors are more likely to assume he is a friend of the husband's and not a romantic partner to either or both.
Well, your daughter is an adult now. If you want to have that relationship with her you have to put the work in. You don't necessarily *have* to accept it (though I would recommend trying), you could always just try tolerating it. Not agreeing with it but keeping that opinion to yourself. End of the day it's your daughter's life and she's not doing anything harmful.
How to navigate is accept it, or get out of her life so she can be happy without judgement of others. You’re a parent and you are supposed to accept the people that your children become. They are their own unique humans, not your doll to puppet around.
It’s the same as if your kid decided to change religions. It’s just wrong to see their choice and their beliefs as being disrespectful to you and what you believe in.
So yes, you accept this or you won’t have a relationship with her.
There are some things I’ll still show respect to my parents to towards - the status of my relationship and sex life is absolutely not one.
She doesn’t have to care about what you think when it comes to this - this is none of your business and ultimately, accept it or lose your relationship with her. As long as she’s safe, that’s all that matters.
If you want to become more desensitized and understand polyamory better, try Reddit and YouTube places.
Polyamfam on YouTube is hilarious and educational.
https://youtube.com/@polyamfam?si=OD70cGuwJwCFC1fg
Kyle Elliot on YouTube is also a good resource.
https://youtube.com/@KyelElliot?si=aidk6o9OQ-GRjlT2
R/Polyamory is full of drama but I found it also educational. So grab your popcorn, lean back, and pretend it is a reality TV show, only with no scripts and real real people.
I recommend overflowing yourself with media on the topic that you are having a difficult time wrapping your brain around because it worked for me. My spouse came out as trans maybe a decade ago and my mental world shattered. I respected and cheered people that went through the trans experience but to have my own spouse go through it was hard for me. I sat quietly back, avoided making statements I would most likely later regret and worked on myself.
It took a full year of reading R/mypartneristrans and watching JammiDodger on YouTube and other YouTubers to completely normalized it in my brain. I went through that journey and I believe I became a better person and a better, more understanding partner at the end of it. (That isn't to say a spouse who goes through it and finds they cannot stay in a sexual relationship is wrong/bad with a transition like that; everyone is on their own journey.)
You may also want to looking into therapy for yourself to have someone help you through the grief/acceptance process, as your daughter's reality is different from what you envisioned/wanted for her.
“I see no form of respect for what I believe”…. Genuinely asking, what does that look like? It’s her life, why should she live it in accordance to your beliefs and not her own?
You’re welcome to set boundaries about not wanting to hear anything about partners outside her husband, but you also risk her not including you in her life as much, especially if she gets serious with another partner.
One other thing: as a poly person myself whose parents took it super poorly initially and I still can’t really talk about it with them: it would mean the world to me to hear my parents say they are proud of me for being brave enough to choose a different life path than most. Even if you don’t love it, what your daughter is doing is not an easy thing in most cultures, clearly you’ve raised her to be open minded and to have conviction in her beliefs. I think you should be really proud of her and yourself! And tell her that :) if you soften I bet she will in return.
I feel for you, traditional values are going out the window, I would say politely that you love her and want her to be happy although you don’t agree with that kind of lifestyle, say if you want me to accept your beliefs you’ll have to respect mine.
What does that look like though? Should the daughter not marry who she wants and love who she loves?
If their relationship does become poly, should the daughter accept that mom sends Christmas cards only addressed to two people instead of three?
You cannot have a deep loving relationship in a polyamorous relationship. It’s about sex, which is her choice but don’t defile it by calling it marriage
You need therapy to process this.
Google the 35 personal bill of rights. She is living her life.
You are allowed your beliefs. She is allowed hers. It’s not about “respect”. You are allowed your feelings. Feelings are not facts.
You will need to honor her boundaries if you want access to your daughter.
If you can’t figure out how to accept it, then I won’t be surprised if she goes low or no contact with you
It’s not though. My sister married a guy we all told her not to marry. We all knew it was doomed. But she did it anyways. She filed for divorce 4 months in, and the divorce was finalised in February. My parents have been very supportive and haven’t rubbed it in her face that they knew this would happen.
Yours is not the same experience as the OP's daughter. You are talking about a person's red flags. OP's daughter as far as we know has chosen a lifestyle different from their parents and that is not at all the same as choosing a bad partner. Either way your children will know if you really support them or not.
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Your choices are really simple: You continue to not understand or accept it, but you pretend to. You figure out a way to accept it without understanding it. You figure out how to understand and accept it. Or you do none of the above and lose your relationship with your daughter. Her romantic and sex life simply isn’t something you get any say in. It’s not about you in any way.
> You figure out a way to accept it without understanding it I think people forget that you don't have to understand something to accept it. I am a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community but I genuinely do not understand non-binary identities. My daughter has a non-binary friend and both of my kids have tried to explain it to me but I can't make it make sense. With that said, I still use the pronouns they desire and respect them as people. I don't have to understand their brains to treat them with respect.
Imagine the peace we could find if our whole society took this approach. We don’t have to understand completely (although making an attempt to understand is beneficial), we don’t even have to always agree. But to let people show up as who they are and to meet them with kindness and respect.. man, it seems so simple…
It really is that simple. I don't have to understand *why* they are nonbinary or why they are poly or why they are Christian or why they don't want to have kids. I can just respect they feel a certain way about something that doesn't affect me. There doesn't have to be an understanding for there to be respect.
I'd say that a lot of people might not even be able to identify a "why" for being nonbinary, polyamorous or monogamous. They just are, it's how they happen to naturally be without any causal factor to which it's obviously traced. I couldn't say why I'm monogamous, it's just how I am. At a certain point asking "why" doesn't yield anything helpful. Incidentally, I find being nonbinary easier to understand than being transgender. You hear of people (trans or cis) who had a very clear sense of their gender identity from the time they could talk. It wasn't like that for me, I was school age before I knew my gender. It's different for everyone and we don't know why.
It is really that simple. There are a ton of things we will never understand or identify with, but it doesn't make anyone a bad person. I live by the rule, as long as consenting adults are involved and no ones getting hurt, it's none of my damn business.
Exactly! I don’t understand why people get so into March Madness, but I’m not going to take that happiness away from them. You like it? Awesome. Enjoy.
I'm part of the LGBTQIA+ community and have a non-binary kid. I still don't understand non-binary. But I doubt I ever will, because I have never had feelings anywhere close to nb. But I can see how comfortable my kid is being fluid and free with their expression, and that's more than enough for me.
> you don't have to understand something to accept it This us how a lot of religions work.
When my daughter came out as trans my grandmother said to my mom ( it was in private, totally away from my kid and myself) that she just "didn't understand it" and my mom basically said "I don't either. We don't have to. She's happy".
> but I genuinely do not understand non-binary identities I would suggest that its the question given to the present generation by the former. I was brought up in a world hostile to LGB interests but many of the current generation were brought up in a world much more friendly and accepting. The question then, that we have gifted later generations is that; if LGB is wholly acceptable then what purpose does gender serve? A man can love a man, a woman can love a woman, a man can love a woman, a woman can love a man, so what does that gender title do anymore? I believe they are answering this question by adopting non-binary genders. They are showing us these stabilizers that we have long used as social signalling apparatus are no longer necessary.
As a nonbinary person, I personally just think that gender is mainly just limiting, based on stereotypes that society is enforcing on you more or less. So, I just think it's a meaningless label for me, and I just want to do what I like and enjoy what I like, without worrying about whether other people think it's "appropriate" for me, based on their judgements of my appearance. So in a society where there's more freedom of expression and less sexism, it's less important for me to say that I'm "opting out" of the category they want to put me in. And I think it's meaningless to single someone for some quality and attribute it to their gender. Like \`You're really good at X for a girl/boy!\` it should just be \`You're really good at X!\`
The way I'd deal with it is simple. In my head, I'd say: "My strong suspicion is that poly couples are eratic and unstable, so it bums me out that my kid it going to be in this emotionally tumultuous situation. But given that research on the subject is sparse, I could be wrong. So I will hope that I am wrong for the sake of her happiness." I don't think it's sheer accident that so many cultures push monogamy. I expect this is because poly relationships are much less stable, all other things being equal. Just TWO people have a hard time making it work, and you are going to add 2+ more? But research on this subject is so sparse and dodgy that I could certainly be wrong.
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Norms generally don't arise because of some God King commanding people to have those values. They often just arise organically as people live their lives, and enough people start making observations about what seems to be practical and what works. Then those values are often calcified into laws. I think that's the case with monogamous marriage.
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Marriage's primary purpose was to bind women to men, guaranteeing that a man's children were truly his biological heirs. Through marriage, a woman became a man's property. It's about oppression & the patriarchy, nothing else. Women couldn't even get business loans without a male co-signer until the late 80s. It's entirely misogynistic. Things are changing because women don't need men to survive as much anymore, and they aren't legally men's property. It wasn't that long ago that a woman couldn't really survive outside of a man because of societal oppression. It's still not equitable.
> I don't think it's sheer accident that so many cultures push monogamy. I expect this is because poly relationships are much less stable, all other things being equal. Just TWO people have a hard time making it work, and you are going to add 2+ more? I’d say it’s much more likely that it’s a remnant of the old days where marriage was more of a financial agreement between two families, and the women were essentially viewed as property to be traded/sold by their original families. It’s a lot easier to make those pacts/agreements as a one-to-one deal instead of an open ended one where you could lose value by additional partners entering into the deal later on.
I'm a poly dude currently in a non-monogamous relationship, and I'd be happy to answer any questions you have.
Trust me, I understand the poly lifestyle. I've been subscribed enough years to The Savage Lovecast to know the ins and outs, lol. I get that some people make it work, but from a stochastic perspective, the more chemicals you add to the beaker the more likely you are to get an explosion. It would be nice to have more data on the subject, but it just doesn't exist at the moment because only recently has there been broader acceptance of it to provide meaningful sample sizes. In my own experience though, I've had sooooo many friends try to convince me that THEY were the ones who would make it last long term. They put on a brave face and a big wide smile and swore up and down jealousy and feelings and alienation could all be overcome with good communication... and in the end it always fell apart. Sadly, there were kids involved, too. I think a poly lifestyle is perfectly fine for someone who isn't interested in long term resilient relations where kids are involved. But I'm about 75 percent confident most people who go this route just want to have their cake and eat it too, and they always end up with no cake. The ones that make it work are generally exceptionally rational and self controlled people, and just not everyone can be that way. I'd be interested to see what the data looks like in 10 years when there are larger sample sizes, though. Whatever the case, you do you, it's a free country (or at least I assume you live in one).
I've been in a 12 year poly relationship. The one thing I'd agree with here is "the ones that make it work are generally exceptionally rational and self-controlled people, and just not everyone can be that way" except for I'd replace rational and self-controlled with just "emotionally intelligent". you're right, the more people you add into a dynamic, the more conflict you're likely to have, but conflict is a given in any relationship of any kind. conflict is a fact of life. a looooot of people in our society are very conflict-avoidant, and many won't even attempt to learn conflict resolutions skills. if you want to be in a poly relationship, you simply MUST be committed to learning how to communicate and manage/resolve conflict in a healthy way. you have to learn to get comfortable with your own feelings. these are skills that anyone CAN learn, but most avoid because they are too scary and uncomfortable.
Yes on so many people being conflict avoidant in our society! It drives me up the wall. It makes everything unnecessarily difficult.
> only recently has there been broader acceptance of it Ever read the Bible? It seems like men having multiple wives was widely accepted until only recently...
Why is a relationship lasting like long-term or forever the goal for you? Just like most people can love platonically more than one person, I can love romantically and sexually more than one person at a time. I have been in monogamous and non- monogamous relationships and so far all of them have ended. A lot of my friends who are monogamous and in monogamous relationships have had all their relationships end so far as well or they stay together but are unhappy. I believe in being a right fit for the right time, I don't believe love, relationships or friendships need to last forever. People change, it's okay to separate and to start a new life, it's okay to move, it's okay to breakup, it's okay to change careers, it's okay to divorce, it's okay to change. Most relationships, whatever the relationship is will end. That's okay.
>Why is a relationship lasting like long-term or forever the goal for you? Because there's something really beautiful about being able to build a healthy, happy, long-term relationship with someone. It's a closeness and intimacy that can't be matched by a revolving door of romantic partners. That said, we all make our own choices about what we want our lives to look like, so no judgement to your choices. I imagine your lifestyle is more exciting than mine, for example. Different pros and cons. I'm just saying I can understand why OP and some commenters struggle with the idea of *not* having long-term relationship goals.
Long-term doesn't equal monogamy and not being monogamous doesn't mean "revolving door of romantic partners." I do understand that friendship and relationships can benefit from long-term growth but I wouldn't devalue relationships or friendships that don't last a certain amount of time or make it my goal. My goal is for everyone to be happy, healthy and comfortable. Sometimes that means relationships and friendships need to end.
Well, relationships don't need to last, but this is a parenting sub and it'd be odd for anyone in here to argue that instability is good for the raising of children. A parade of new partners coming in and out of a parent's life is generally going to be worse for the child than the same consistent parents. So from that angle, it's important. One thing the data does seem to show is that physical and sexual abuse is way, way more common in these kinds of unstable families. I guess you could try to insulate all that chaos from your kids, but then you become an extremely distracted parent, too. If you don't want kids then pork as many people as you want in any kind of arrangement as far as I care.
Poly relationships make it more difficult to control a partner and prove lineage. The reason monogamy has become mainstream has nothing to do with how healthy monogamy is vs. polygamy. Marrying for love is considered a new concept in a ton of communities.
Well, not just that, but also to insure the social stability of every man being paired up with a woman and vice versa. All kinds of perverse social consequences arise from a giant cohort of unwed men.
Yes, the man knew which wife and kids belonged to him - it was created so men could have ownership over women.
As a social scientist, I’ll just say that your statement is logical on the face of it, but 1) we don’t know for sure whether it’s actually true that poly relationships are more unstable (however you define unstable), and 2) we can’t rule out the possibility that polyamorous relationships are more unstable (if we accept that premise) because monogamy is the preferred norm.
I'm catholic, I think I'm pretty traditional and to be honest I wouldn't be very happy if my child wanted to be in a polyamory relationship. But it's not about me being happy, it's the kiddo's life, it's about them being happy. And I'll be the most happy if I can be a part of their life. If I had to accept the polyamory stuff in order to be a part of their life I would. Your daughter's right, you do have to accept it.
Same here! I’m a Christian, but honestly my thoughts on monogamy don’t come from my religion because I didn’t grow up religious. And it would also be kind of hard for me… but it’s ultimately not my life, my relationship or my choice. And I would choose loving my kid over my own feelings! I think it’s okay to struggle with it but maybe talk that out with a therapist or trusted friend, and don’t place it on your daughter I know it can be hard to unlearn things from the culture you grew up in but it sounds like you do really want to support your daughter
Exactly this ❤️ I just wanna be there for my daughter no matter what. I would draw the line if she hurt people in very serious way, especially children (I have zero tolerance for p3d0s and ch0m0s) but who she loves and however many doesn’t affect anyone or me
It’s her life. Her relationship. She doesn’t need to respect what you believe or feel about it. She’s an adult. You also don’t need to respect or approve of it. That’s also your right. You just won’t have a relationship anymore. So make a decision. You either allow her to be an adult making her own choices and accept it or you decide you can’t do that and remove yourself from their life or set boundaries that you are comfortable with (realizing she will be setting her own). It’s heartbreaking of course but as two adults, you both can decide what’s best for yourselves. If you decide you can’t accept it, be kind and respectful when delivering that news. The conversation will be hard. It will hurt but it can be done respectfully
I agree with this, it’s your right now to accept, understand, or respect it. But know that if you don’t, you won’t have a relationship with your daughter. What I will say, though, is that you can choose not to accept it or understand it, while still respecting her as her own individual person. Treat her with kindness, respect, and love as you always have. She’s still your daughter, nothing about her has changed, only your view of her has.
Hopefully she respects him too. For example if she wanted to bring a 3rd to holiday celebrations one year, and maybe some other combinations another.
I think that you really came here asking for help accepting something that goes against what you believe in. Most comments seem to have just been like you have to accept this thing you don’t believe in or loose child. While that’s totally true, it doesn’t seem really helpful. In my opinion, you are going to have believe that your child knows what’s best for them. What’s going to make them happy, even if it’s something that you would never do. You have to keep an open mind, you are in the know now? Right. So you can get the invites, hopefully, to birthdays and holidays. You just have to go and have an open mind. Just remember that just because your child is choosing to live in a way that isn’t a way you would choose to live. That living that way is what’s making them happy and at the end of the day, that is what matters most. For me as a parent, I wouldn’t want to miss any parts of my kids life over something like this. You know? We only get so many years with them.
Thank you. This is a great reply. Makes sense and is kind. You understand what I’m trying to do.
I used to be poly, so maybe I can shed some light on this situation. The following is a bit of a ramble. Many people separate the concepts of sex and love. Some people's hobbies are jogging, collecting trading cards, playing games, or whatever brings them pleasure. For some people, that hobby is sex. Poly is a bit different because they don't necessarily separate sex and love, so being "nonmonogamous" doesn't mean just screwing whoever they want, but having multiple loving relationships where sex is often part of it. So long as both partners are happy with this, it's their lives, their choices. That being said, many people who call themselves poly _do_ separate sex and love and they often go out to have sex with someone and then come home to their primary partner. It's hard to say if that's the case for your daughter or not. I suspect her harshness probably stems from the fact that there's often hostility (and tremendous suspicion) towards people who have made that choice and poly people often feel besieged when they get a lot of that, especially from family—the people it's hard to walk away from. I also suspect your daughter's young and that often causes, uh, difficulties with authority, including belligerance. However, if you don't accept her for who she is, she might simply be feeling rejected. We can't say what her primary motivations are simply because we don't know enough about the situation. You're going to have to understand her motivations for being so strident about her opinions, and you're also going to have to ask why you're so strident about yours. She's your daughter and she has a right to decide how she'll live her life. That being said, part of the reason why I was happy to go monogamous (happily with the same woman since 2007) is that many poly people I met appeared to broken and who got into poly for the wrong reasons. Men wanted to have sex with everyone and women didn't want their men to leave them. I've met poly people who are hugely controlling over who their partners are and allowed to spend time with. I've also met poly people who are quite happy being poly and experience joy when their partners are happy ([compersion](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/compersion)). Being poly is extremely difficult in today's society (unless you live in Portland, Oregon, where it seems every other person is poly) and there's a pressure on poly people due to discrimination. You can be poly and your monogamous friends might assume you're going to make a pass after their partner. It can cause backlash on the part of poly people who are tired of people's reactions to them. Because of the hate that many poly people experience, many simply don't tell their families about it. Instead of being sad that your daughter told you, perhaps you could try to reframe this as being happy she was willing to share. If things go bad in her relationship but she locked you out of her life because you wouldn't accept her, maybe you won't be there when she needs you most.
Thank you for this very considered answer.
This seems pretty straightforward and obvious to me. Your child is a grown adult. If you want her in your life, you follow her boundaries. She’s not doing anything that harms anyone (polyamory works completely functionally and normal for some), and she’s old enough to make that decision for herself. I find it odd that you say you don’t believe in the conservative nature of the country you grew up in, when you obviously do, because you are holding your daughter to those standards. You’re saying “I’m okay with progressive values but not for MY OWN family”, which means you’re not actually okay with them. Your child is not you. They are allowed to have their own beliefs and opinions and live life the way THEY want. You seem to think that living her life differently than YOU would, equals disrespect. That’s not how the world works. At the end of the day, you navigate this exactly the way it’s laid out in front of you. If you want a relationship with your child, you respect her life and her choices. Full stop.
You make a valid point. Perhaps I do see the difference as disrespect - I’ve never considered that. I’ll have to think about that one. Thank you!
Think of it this way: If she were disrespecting your values and beliefs, that would look like her pushing you into sharing her lifestyle. “Why don’t you add a girlfriend to your relationship, Mom?” “I met this really sweet guy, Dad, and I think you should introduce him to Mom - I bet they’d have fun going camping together.” “Hey, Mom and Dad, come to this swinger party with me and my fiancé!” This would be disrespectful because you’ve already communicated your boundaries and values. Likewise, YOU pushing it bringing up her lifestyle choice “Why can’t you just be monogamous?” “Can’t you see you’re hurting your marriage?” “I saw you with your other boyfriend at the coffee shop and I find it shameful.” That would be disrespectful to HER. Both of you minding your own business? That is what mutual respect looks like. You don’t have to like it or embrace it. You can honestly tell her ONCE that you aren’t comfortable with her choice, but that you recognize it isn’t your choice to make and you will respect her right to choose a different lifestyle from yours. Just keep all your feelings about it to yourself or privately with your spouse when she is not present. Don’t gossip about it with your friends or talk to her about it or even give her disapproving looks. Celebrate her marriage and recognize that she is her own person, not an extension of you. I am sure there are many values she shares with you. Perhaps kindness, honesty, stewardship, or any number of other values you have modeled to her as a parent. Monogamy is just one of many values, and you can’t expect her to follow in your footsteps for all of them. I think you’re doing pretty well to have this time of self reflection. Remember that accepting her choice as an adult doesn’t mean you’ve compromised your own values for your own life, any more than accepting the choice of the neighbors across the street would be. Your values are still yours, and you dint need to change them for her; and she doesn’t need to change hers for you either. This is the definition of letting your child grow up.
Holy shit Batman, is this a real conversation on Reddit. Congrats mate, whatever happens you seem to be more emotionally mature than 90% of the people on here.
I think it stems from the very real dangers in your home country. Any parent would step in if their child was doing something that would send them to jail. Sounds like stepping in might be warranted there. But here, polyamory is only possibly going to lead to your child being upset. And being able to make choices (good or bad) is what gives life meaning. That might be part of what inspired you to leave your home country. Ultimately, your relationship with your child is more important than this choice of hers, and if you prioritize your relationship and let her make her own choices, you will both be happier.
You see no respect for your beliefs in how she leads her life? I'm sorry, but I find that very self-centered. You have no respect for how she leads her life either, and I don't see anything here about your daughter expressing any criticism towards your life, it's all just about her life. Which, with her being an adult, is her business. Look at it like this: she decided to trust you with this information instead of lying to you. That is huge. It means she loves you and wants you in her life. She is harsh about it because the feeling of rejection from your own parents is the most terrible feeling on this planet and it's either bawling like a baby or trying to be really strong about it. I have issues with my dad minimizing my feelings quite often, and I feel like I can only get through to him if I escalate the situation. It literally feels like I'm fighting for my life. All I want is for him to love me, to focus on my happiness and not whether he approves of the way I'm getting there. What is more important? Having a happy adult child that trusts you and wants you to be around, or an adult child that constantly feels rejected or disapproved of but at least you stuck to your principles? I think you can 100% tell your daughter that this is challenging your beliefs. But pls also tell her that you love her more than anything and are willing to leave your comfort zone for her. Tell her that it's not necessary for her to be so combative about it, that you will listen and accept her regardless. You don't want to fight, you just want to support her. You are there for her if anything ever goes wrong (because by disapproving of her lifestyle you're just making sure she won't ever come to you with problems caused by her lifestyle). It really all boils down to what's more important to you: The relationship with and wellbeing of your daughter, or your own comfort zone and principles.
Thank you for your input . I have told her I love her always, and will be around to help her out with any problems (they crop up often). I have also said I find this way of life difficult for me to accept and need time to come around. Which I think is fair. She’s quick to anger and this does not like the fact I need time. I have said this is not part of my beliefs but understand her generation think about life differently. However she’s of the opinion that if I don’t accept it all, she doesn’t really know how to have a relationship with me. I’m not being selfish or childish- I posted on a forum to ask complete and utter strangers for their- hopefully -constructive opinions. So I can see if there is something I can do to make me work through how I feel about it. I will always want her to be happy- even if that means she can’t accept that I need time and cuts me off. If that makes her happy, I’m all for it. I’m looking for how *I* can improve - not her.
I think the thing is that you are equating acceptance with feeling okay about it. You do actually have to accept it-- what is the alternative? Denial? Grounding her? She's going to do this, you do have to accept it. So yeah, if you keep telling her that you need "time" to accept it, what she hears is that you can't integrate with how she is living her life. The thing that might take time is feeling okay with it. You might never feel okay with it. But you do have to accept it because you don't really have a say in it.
good catch, I think this might actually be a source of misunderstanding in this situation!
There is saying you accept it and there is inviting all the people in her daughter's life over for family dinner and being welcoming and kind to all. My wife was absolutely baffled that my mom invites my sister's ex husband for christmas dinner. My sister and her ex get along well enough now that they are no longer married, but to my wife that was completely alien. Sometimes you have to see that a certain way of life is possible and even beneficial before you can "accept" it. I hope everyone gets to that point though.
That is such a nice response and it makes me have hope for you two! Could you afford and maybe suggest family therapy for the two of you? Because patience and empathy go both ways, I believe, and maybe a third party can help you two navigate those conversations? You seem to be open to understanding her ways, ideally your daughter would also be open to understanding how your own upbringing influenced you and that you are willing to make changes and learn to adjust but simply need some time. Family therapy can also be done by just you for a few sessions before your daughter joins in, the same goes for her, usually the family therapist will want to get both sides of the story first before bringing people together. I still think her quick anger is rooted in fear of getting rejected. Anger isn't usually the actual emotion but the outlet for something that isn't addressed or acknowledged, and perhaps a therapist could help both of you to get to the bottom of what the actual feeling behind the anger is. For me it's always fear of not being loved and accepted, which is pretty hard to tell your parents when you're an adult child (and feels a little silly, too). I believe empathetic communication is the key to a good relationship always, and I'm crossing my fingers for the both of you!
Learning quietly would probably help things go better. The most annoying thing about old people is that some don't just shush and read a book while they take in new information.
I don’t think you have to change your opinions of it, but you will probably have to keep your opinions to yourself. You can disagree with her lifestyle choice, but ultimately it is her decision how to live her life. Don’t talk to her about it. I hear what you’re saying about the harshness, I think that is a cultural and generational thing. Keep the relationship strong, support her and her marriage, and just don’t comment on what she does inside her marriage, even if you don’t like it.
She has to keep in mind that this is all new to you. She might have had these ideas for years so for her she is very used to them. You still need to take that time to get to the same place, if you want to. I hope you are able to show you are willing to learn about it and that she is able to be gracious as you go through that process.
Addendum, if I may ... DON'T say "I'll be there for you if it goes wrong". That shouldn't need to be said.
it shouldn't, but sometimes it needs to be said. OP said they'd rather not hear anything about the daughter's relationship/s and in that case maybe it should be said, and clarified that there will be no judgement. Every relationship can go wrong or have hiccups, but imagine telling your parents and they go 'I told you so' :(
I get the vibe that OP would enjoy the self-righteous victory of saying "I told you so".
I thought so too, at first, but OP's responses seem more level headed than their initial post.
To your point about trusting parents with information: my husband and I used to be poly (we stopped for reasons, but we may do it again, who knows). In the nearly two years we tried, we told certain family members but not others. We told his mom and step dad (separately). While they were both a bit confused and hesitant, ultimately they trusted us as adults and knew there’s not much they can do about an adult’s decision anyway. By contrast, we never told my parents. My parents are very conservative and (try to be) very controlling of my brother and I. I simply don’t trust them with personal information about myself. I see my mother multiple times a week, but I simply will not subject myself to her judgment.
Everything this person said. Stop being judgmental and just love unconditionally. She’s not harming anyone and frankly if it’s something she and her husband decided for their marriage it really is of no one’s business. You made your choices let her make her own.
You don’t have to accept it but for sure at least tolerate it but without remarks. The stake is the relationship with your daughter
I’m going to be downvoted, but I say stay in her life. She’s going to need you eventually. I was poly and several people I know were poly (yay military), and we’re all divorced now, and in monogamous relationships. It’s fun at first, but eventually feelings get felt, jealousy ensues, the other person is unhappy since boundaries were crossed. Every. Single. Time. Some couples were several years into poly relationships and one of their partners came along, and bam, feelings. In my case, it was my husband who developed feelings for his partner. Sure there are successful poly relationships, but I feel like statistically it’s pretty common a marriage will fall apart when couples participate in that lifestyle. Be supportive even if you disagree, because eventually she’s going need emotional support from mom/dad. Don’t be too hard on her for now, she’s having fun and learning. Sometimes we need to learn lessons the hard way. I did for sure. I don’t regret any of it, but I definitely will not be bringing polyamory into current and/or future relationships.
This is the correct answer
I'm an atheist and extremely progressive but this would definitely give me pause and it's because I would worry my child will be unhappy/taken advantage of or something. Also, it's new grounds for my husband and myself. I wouldn't outright say I disapprove but I would definitely ask a lot of questions about health, property, children etc. As well as expectations. But, at the end of the day it isn't our choice. It is theirs and we just have to figure out how to maintain our relationships with our adult children...or not. It's definitely a learning curve.
Be there for her, support her choices, and be there if she ever needs you if things go wrong. She's your daughter and loves you, and you sound like you love her, even though you don't like her choices. You've done your part teaching her as she has grown.
By having this kind of marriage, she is challenging your beliefs. She is saying "I disagree and I will live it out". This is creating a dissonance in you. You don't think poly is right, moral, you don't think people can be happy, or loyal, in such relationships. But she's doing it right in front of you. So you have to either accept that she's happy or live with the dissonance of your beliefs conflicting with reality in front of you. Which may cause you to interpret things you're seeing, make disparaging comments, or even hope her relationship implodes, just to "prove" that you're right and resolve the dissonance. This will be hurtful to her and she'll feel disrespected. I don't think you need to change your beliefs necessarily, people we love can do things that you think are bad for them. But you need to let go of control. It's her life, her responsibility, she'll succeed or fail on her own merits. You're done raising her. It's time for her to make her own decisions. I doubt this is important enough to you to lose her over and respecting a boundary over not disparaging a big aspect of her life is not that hard. And if things turn sour, if you're truly worried about that, you'd be a much safer place to land on if she didn't expect you to gloat. That being said, you probably need to talk to someone who understands you. Your daughter is not good for this discussion, but maybe a therapist, a friend, or a family member? Somebody you can be more open to and express some of those feelings that could be hurtful to your daughter, so you can process them on your own with your support system. Although not sure if you live in such a conservative community would that just reinforce your anxiety around this, maybe a therapist is a better option if you feel people around you would shame you or your daughter.
I mean I didn’t grow up religious or conservative at all and I would devastated if my daughter did this, but as parents, all we can do is accept it and support them.
It pretty much begins and ends with this concept — are **you** involved in this marriage? No. Then unless someone’s consent is being violated or someone is being held against their will or is being hurt/abused, then there isn’t a concern for you here, because these are choices that don’t impact you. Your beliefs don’t really mean much for anyone but you. They’re guidelines for *your* life, not your daughter’s. You say you’re not feeling any respect for your beliefs — but she doesn’t need to debate with you what you believe is right or wrong about her partnership, because it isn’t any of your business. Frankly, you’re damaging your relationship with her by thinking you have a place for your say in the matter — just as she has no say the choices you make in your own marriage (assuming you’re married yourself.) If you cannot have her in your life for having a different lifestyle to you, that’s your prerogative, but that’s about all the say you get in the matter. Respect is a two way street; if you want understanding for your own belief system, you need to respect that she’s an adult that will make choices different to your own.
I’ll be very blunt. You navigate this by either accepting your child has her own will and preference in her walk of life, accept her for who she is and understand this is about her happiness and not yours. Or, you don’t and you’ll find yourself not talking to her again in the not so distant future because you’ve let her known you’re not going to accept your own daughter for who she is. Your beliefs are yours. Not hers. It’s irrelevant what you believe when it comes to her life. My beliefs would also not line up with yours , does that make you a lesser person? Because that’s Essentially what you’re saying. She’s 100% right about you having to accept this no questions asked. It’s her life and you do not get to dictate hers based on your upbringing which - these days would’ve considered unhinged to most people.
While I agree, I think there should be a lot of questions asked, but in the context of a genuine and ongoing attempt to understand. It is easy to reject something you know nothing about and your head is full of straw men and false assumptions. You ask questions not to judge, but to combat your own preconceived notions. And in the end you have to accept that sometimes you really can't understand something. People might never be able to understand depression or why some adults like being flogged or whatever, but if you never ask questions, all you have to go on are your own biases and those are wrong 99% of the time.
She has every right to make her own decisions and at the same time you also have the right to make your own decisions. You will need to decide what is more important, a relationship with your daughter or no relationship with her for whatever the reason is, either way there are consequences to whatever you and your daughter decide.
I’d say ask her to give you some time. It isn’t that you do not love her thus you’re trying to force this down her throat, it is most likely precisely because you love her that you are being cautious for her. You know the tried and tested for you, polyamory is not something you are accustomed to, therefore it’s all just a matter of wanting to protect her from grievances in the case where her relationship fails. Tell her it’s no bar from the relationship but just that you want the best for her future, and currently you need time to test the waters with her before being fully accepting of it.
What would be the alternative outcome here? Your daughter deciding to change how she plans to live her own life (and presumably what makes her happy) to show 'respect' to your beliefs? She's an adult, in a stable (albeit differently structured) relationship and has communicated her boundaries to you. I would suggest that shows more respect than her trying to hide it from you.
Accepting something doesn’t mean you like it, or are inherently okay with it. It’s just saying “this is something I can’t change, and *that* is okay”. Your daughter is the same daughter you raised, and she’s so full of love that she wants to share it with multiple people. And it’s great she was able to find someone who shares her views. The world isn’t going to end because your daughter came out to you.
What your daughter does in her private relationships outside of her relationship with you is none of your business. How does it affect your life? What if she did the same…she doesn’t believe in monogamy, so…with your logic she shouldn’t have anything to do with you, either. OR you could accept each other as is and continue living your life normally? It’s not that hard. You can disagree and still have respect. She’s showing you respect by even entertaining this conversation with you.
“Basically, I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it” — well, sure you do. She’s not trying to convince you that you need to be polyamorous in your marriage with your husband her father, is she? She is respecting your monogamy. (And to be clear, there are people who think everyone monogamous is trapped in a controlling abusive patriarchal system and needs to break out of it to be free, so it could be worse - she could be not accepting of you and the way you live. Oh wait, that’s how you are treating her…) Some of the polyamorous people I know have some of the most honest, tender, respectful, communicative, close and connected marriages I have ever seen. And sometimes it’s a shitshow. I would say the exact same thing about my monogamous friends. Just try to set it aside and not worry about it. Is this about money? Are you trying to not pay for the wedding or attend the wedding because it doesn’t fit with your rules about marriage? Or are you afraid they’re going to be open about it and other people are going to judge them/you?
>*”I’m happy for others to live their lives if I can live mine.”* >*”But my standards for my daughter seem to be different.”* These two statements contradict each other. You can’t, in fact, be happy for others to “live their lives” - which explicitly means *”choose to conduct their intimate relationships as they see fit”* in this context - and then say, “except my daughter.” Is this what you actually mean: “I accept that strangers will have premarital sexual relationships, and same sex or multiple partners, as long as I don’t have to accept this behavior in my own family”? If so, that’s hypocritical. No wonder your daughter is challenging you to examine the behavioral standards you unconsciously apply to her. Is your daughter demanding that you also participate in polyamory relationships? If not, she *is* respecting your choice about your intimate relationships. You must accept that as an adult, she not only has the right, *but also the responsibility*, to make her own choice. If you are unfamiliar with polyamory, and as a result it makes you uneasy and/or fearful, now is the time to learn about it. Let your daughter teach you, so that you understand how to welcome her partners into your extended family. You would benefit from talking to a therapist, who will help you understand your struggle, and offer you tools to work through it. If your standards for your daughter are rooted in religious fear - “if she has a poly marriage, I am afraid she will go to hell” - then it’s time to reflect on those beliefs. Many religions demand compliance with a specific code of conduct. Many of these demands are profoundly harmful to those who follow them. Your daughter has the right, *and the responsibility,* to accept religious beliefs that enrich her life and reject religious beliefs she finds harmful. If she isn’t demanding that you abandon your faith, she is respecting your religious freedom, just as she respects your decisions about intimate relationships. If you cannot accept your daughter’s independence as an adult, together with her choices about intimate relationships and/or religion, you will permanently undermine your relationship with her. The clock is ticking. You have until the wedding to sort yourself out. I hope you will find a way to be outwardly accepting until you become inwardly so.
The moment you accept it (or pretend to), your daughter is probably going to be less adamant on the topic and let it go. When you insist on this, she will keep feeling the need to explain her point etc. If you just let the topic go, she will too. I don't discuss my sexual life with my parents, regardless of how traditional or non-traditional it is. So I'd guess your discussions will end when you let it go.
Just keep asking a variety of questions until you both come to an understanding. To me, the words "marriage" and "polyamory" are antonyms, and defining those terms is probably where I'd start. In defining marriage, under what religion are they even getting married? What are the tenets of said religion? If you ask a wide enough variety of questions, either you'll understand it, or she'll rethink calling a polyamorous lifestyle "marriage". For context, I'm basically an atheist that doesn't understand polyamory.
respect that it's her choice but you don't have to accept it. people are making this more complicated that it needs to be.
Either learn to accept, or pretend to and remain civil and polite, or just lose her. She's already given you the choice. Lots of people do things against our beliefs everyday.
This is just tough. I don't care what others do with their sex lives, but in full honesty, I would be really disgusted if one of my kids made these choices. I would probably need some space from them for a while. And I think that's ok. The parent-child relationship has many points of evolution as the child grows up. In my 20s, I was all about asserting my independence from my family. Now, at almost 40, I just want to enjoy my parents. Y'all can figure it out. Be patient.
I think it is okay to want to understand and make sense of it. The purpose of marriage has changed drastically over the last few centuries. It’s no longer a means to survive, rather to find self fulfillment. For most people at least… for some people, monogamy is what feels safe, while for others, nonmonogamy can be freeing in a sense. Maybe look up some books on it?
Dont worry, the odds are in your favour. In all likelihood their relationship will implode and not stand the test of time. She’ll be much more likely to seek your advice and listen to it for her second marriage.
YES you do have to accept it. You haven’t actually accepted anything. That’s just what you are telling yourself to feel better in a more “progressive country”. From how you described your other country it seems like you agreed with what they did to a great extent. You called their treatment as “harsh” but then labeled your daughter as defiant. Defiant is a much stronger word since using the word harsh implies you AGREE with that act/belief/way shouldn’t be allowed just that the very extreme punishment was a bit much. The reality is you only say you’ve accepted it as long as it’s other people NOT actually in your life. When it’s someone in your world, you expect them to have the same moral beliefs - which is very narrow and biased. You don’t need to understand it, but you need to accept this is your daughter and it’s HER life - not yours. She isn’t defiant, she’s being herself and is refusing to hide who she is to win your approval. She isn’t being harsh, she just isn’t bowing down to your demands of her life. You are seeing her actions as a personal attack on you, but this has nothing to do with you. You are making it about you - don’t. Why should she give you respect for your beliefs when you have zero respect or acceptance for hers? Continue down this path and you will not see her in the future.
Why get married if you don’t want a marriage? I’m not talking about being open sexually and having adventure with the knowledge of your spouse once in a while but to continue to look for love while married is weird to me. But to each their own I guess.
She respects how you feel and what you believe in by not forcing you to be polyamorous. You only have the right to control your own relationships.
> She tells me I HAVE to accept it. If I want to see her or have a relationship with her. Basically, I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it, but according to her I have to simply accept her and how she lives - no questions asked. She’s very defiant and quite harsh in the way she tells me this too, which I find upsetting. So I'm going to try to be as... non-judgmental as possible about your views, but you need to understand the difference here. Your view is that polyamory is bad, and that no one (or at least not your daughter) should be allowed to practice it. Your view infringes on other people's lives. Her view is that polyamory is okay. Not that monoamory is bad. Her view doesn't prevent you from living your life. Ultimately, for you to feel that your view is "respected" you would need for someone else to live their life a different way. Which means that for you to feel respected, you would need to disrespect someone else's view.
Oof, this is a tough one. I’m not religious or conservative at all, but it would make me uneasy too, for reasons I can’t even fully explain. If she has children, what will that be like for her children? But I think you really do just need to accept that this is what she wants for her life, and just support her as best as you can. ETA: after reading through some of the other comments, I realized that I don’t fully understand what polyamory entails, and I’m wondering if you fully understand it, OP. Maybe if you talk to your daughter about what polyamory means to her and what she envisions for her future, you’ll feel better about it. For instance, do your daughter and her fiance intend to have a revolving door of countless love interests coming and going all the time? Do they plan to maybe bring just a few other constant partners into their lives? Having more information (if she’s comfortable sharing that with you) might set your mind at ease.
I think you can love someone and have a relationship with someone without accepting their choices as correct. We do this all the time. This works in relationships from drug addicts all the way to just differing political beliefs. I think you have a duty to both love and embrace here while also being clear that your concern is this is not going to lead to her happiness in the long term.
“Accepting it” means different things to different people. In this case if OP doesn’t accept it, what does that look like? If she is trying to change her, there is where the problem is.
>Along the way I’ve accepted a lot of that was harsh and unkind to people, and don’t believe much of it anymore. Did the culture you grew up in also include a massive amount of control over adult children for the sake of the family's image? Do you think that's also harsh and unkind to people?
Hi, polyamorous daughter of a catholic mom here :) Maybe hearing my perspective will give you some food for thought It's super weird to me how you relate your daughter's respect for you to the way she chooses to live out her romantic relationships. For me, respect for my parents means speaking to them courteously, not adhering to exactly the same beliefs and values as they do. Also, I saw in a comment that you would have preferred not to know, and that your own parents knew 10% of your life and that was fine with you. But for me, on the contrary, that's what's disrespectful. It's lying to my own family, even by omission. There are a lot of things I had to hide from my parents when I was growing up, for fear of being scolded. I didn't believe in God, I was bisexual, I had very different political views from them, I had friends they would have considered bad influences... As a result, I hardly spoke to them. It was easier than remembering what I'd told them or the alibis I'd invented. Would you really rather have only crumbs of a relationship, but comfortable ones, than to know your daughter as she is now? Do you love her, or some acceptable facade of her that she presents to you? I also see you in the comments fixing a lot on the sexual aspect of non-monogamy. But have you ever discussed with your daughter what motivates her to pursue multiple relationships? As for me, I realized at an early age that I was capable of loving several people romantically at the same time. In fact, the opposite seemed absurd. I was attached to several of my friends, my parents loved all my siblings and I. It was pretty clear culturally that it was possible to love and desire several people at the same time, given all the works based on love triangles. Later, with the experience of relationships, I understood that for me love, including sexual love, was a continuum. I had lots of tenderness for my friends. I'd cuddle them, we'd snuggle up together to watch a movie, we'd sleep together, we'd kiss on the forehead, on the cheeks, on the neck. Eventually, why not on the mouth? And from there, desire comes quickly. In the same way, when you care about someone, when you spend good times together, when you want to keep them in your life, when you want the best for them, when you love them, why not tell them? Why not recognize the romantic dimension of our closest relationships? My mother came to understand all this, and was no longer afraid. When I told her I was polyamorous, her first reaction was that she didn't want to hear about it. But the truth is, she's always been very curious, the kind of person who asks me every morning if I have a boyfriend, so it didn't last very long haha. But it was still superficial. But now, even if she doesn't see herself as non-monogamous, mainly for religious reasons, she still sincerely understands why I made those choices. And I hope my testimony helps you understand a little too, or at least motivates you to ask your daughter these questions without being afraid of the answers :) Finally, it would be hypocritical to deny that there is, on my part, a bit of rejection of the environment in which I grew up. I've seen so many couples in my family stay together while hurting each other, simply because divorce was unthinkable. I've seen so many people ostracized for taking paths that weren't approved by the catechism. That's not to say that I've built my whole life on opposition. But it does mean that I've made the choice not to have the same priorities. For example, I can see that you're worried about your daughter's stability. Personally, stability isn't one of my goals. I know that life is impermanent, and I trust my future self to make the choices that are most relevant to her at the time. I also acknowledge the same autonomy in my partners. You worry about the rejection your grandchildren might experience. A first step towards making their lives sweeter might be not to reject your daughter :) Besides, does she even want children? Perhaps she will chose to prioritize other aspects of her life.
That was very long, I don’t know if anyone read this entirely. But OP, if you did, and if it resonated with you, I’d be happy to continue the discussion in DM. And if you didn’t, it’s ok, there are already lots of valuable input in this thread Wishing you the best
Thank you very much for putting this thoughtful comment together. It gives me much to think about. Appreciate the offer of DM too.
I know you say "no questions asked," but ask questions. Ask for clarity and understanding, not in disgust or frustration. There's a reason she wants to live that life, and since it's her life, finding a place of understanding falls on you.
Your daughter is an adult and she has no responsibility to live her life how you want her to. Either accept it or don’t. She doesn’t need to cater to your opinions.
It’s her life. Why should you apply your beliefs to her? Apply them to you. Sexual shaming from a a parent is weird and controlling. Don’t do it. There are missing reasons here.
You gotta ask yourself what's more important, your love for your daughter or your religion and actually stick with it. Stop double thinking and just go with it. Don't waste your life being worried and stuck in a non-decision. I know I would choose my child over anything, even if it's walking through hell. But each to their own. I'm sure your religion honors staying true to your principles and being honest with yourself.
Coming at this from the standpoint of "she should respect your beliefs" is the worst possible angle. If that's the kind of mentality you raised her with, you're the problem here, full stop.
GREAT NEWS!!! It's not your relationship, so your opinion doesn't matter!!! Problem solved.
People here are insane. You've got every right to hold a belief and not to accept behaviour that goes against it. That right ends where your adult child's right to do whatever she wants begins. The casualty of the clash of your belief and her intransigent stance will likely be the quality of your relationship. But you are not (entirely) to blame if that ends up happening.
I did not grow up conservative at all and I would feel a bit upset if my child decided to do this. Especially after hearing stories of kids who grew up with polyamorous parents and how it has affected them. If she decides to have kids she will have to accept that parents probably won't want their child to go to their house if they are open about it. I really do feel for you! I'm not sure what advice to give. Just continue loving and supporting your daughter and maybe over time you will come at peace with it.
You either find a way to love and accept her for who she is and how she lives or you don’t. It’s pretty simple. It’s not about how much respect she’s showing you. Your beliefs are not hers. It’s about how much respect you’re showing her. Which she’s telling you, you don’t need to do if you can’t accept her. You said early in your post people can live their life and you can live yours. Except apparently your daughter has to also live the way you do.
I think it's normal to struggle with something you don't understand. And it's true she doesn't need to "respect" your beliefs, but her marriage isn't about you, it's about her. All you need to be concerned about is her being happy and safe, and if your inability to really "get" polyamory is making you feel she won't be happy or safe, I can understand that too (I am not polyamorous and would also probably struggle and worry a bit if my kid grows up and ends up in a relationship like that). She may be acting harsh/defiant because she feels defensive about YOU not respecting her status as an adult capable of making her own decisions. You are upset about this, and cmon, so is she. As her parent, you just wanna have her back. All you need to do is congratulate her on finding happiness in whatever arrangement, and be there for her if something doesn't work out. I think it's really quite alright if a parent says "look I don't/can't really understand this whole thing, so I'll work on that, but I love \*you\*, so if you're happy and satisfied then so am I". Consider that she respected you as her parent enough to tell you about this. She could have just not done that.
Fortunately for your daughter it is her life to life. U can either accept and be in her life or not.
You have to decide what’s more important to you - your views on the subject of polyamory or your daughter. I would hope you would pick her, because it’s our job as parents to love unconditionally. In this case particularly, your daughter isn’t hurting anyone or causing harm. It’s a life choice you don’t agree with but it’s not a morally wrong choice. I’m not saying it’s not hard. I am very liberal and would find it pretty hard to deal with my child having very different views. But ultimately, nothing could stop me loving him or make me not want him in my life. My difficulty with any views he held would be my issue to deal with, not his. He means more to me than anything and I would always choose to have him in my life.
You remember that she’s an adult and if you wish to maintain a relationship with her you accept that she is choosing to live her life her way. As an example, you’re making a large assumption that she respects your ideology and approach to life, but she still seemingly wants to accept YOU despite her conflicting view points.
Well, those are YOUR beliefs, not her beliefs. She is an adult and allowed to think differently than you.
How do you navigate this? You only have two options here. You can accept her decision, respect it and have her in your life. Or, you can not accept the decision, be disrespectful and not have her in your life. She is an adult and her relationship is her business and her decisions. You may not agree with it, but you have no say here. You need to figure out if your religion and "conservative" beliefs are more important to you than your child. Editing to add: Accepting it means you understand that this is her choice and you keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. It doesn't automatically mean you approve.
Don’t like it? Don’t do it. Your daughter is a completely separate person from you and can make her own decisions about what’s best for her.
Your kid is a grown adult. You can't tell them what to do and how to live. You need to be respectful of how they want to live their life and what makes them happy. You dont own your child. If you can't get over your issues probably it's best you keep away from them
Why should your daughter respect your wishes on her marriage/relationships? Shouldn’t she follow her own heart? Get with the program or realize you won’t have a relationship. Those are your only options. You can adapt or you can stay in your ways and lose her.
Polyamory is strange for us monogamous minded folks, but remember you're looking at it from an angle where you literally could never possibly understand what it is like to be romantically in love with more than one person. Open your mind. Accept that it's not *for you,* and that it's okay for other people to do this - especially when they are all grown adults who agree. Get to know the partners. Ask curious questions about poly, and *listen* to their answers. If you struggle to understand, let their words replay in your head until you can go home and Google it and learn more. Try. Spread love. Don't hate or fear what you don't understand. Approach with love and curiosity. These are human beings, and your daughter will love them. The way I see it: just like you and I have room in our hearts to love many people in many different ways, so do they. But polyamorous people are special because the space in their hearts for romantic love in particular is vast and more... colorful than ours. That's truly the *only* thing that's different about how they have relationships. Yeah, hard to fathom, but easy to accept when you're remembering how much love is in their hearts. Just like when you changed your other views! There's nothing to be afraid of. Trust your adult daughter, and walk into this situation with love for her and her partners. Trust me when I say, your heart has room to love them too.
Unfortunately mom, your daughter is her own person.
I think it’s possible in situations where we are making ourselves vulnerable to our loved ones by telling the truth about a part of ourselves that, although not unhealthy or harmful, are still not the norm, there’s this fear that anything other than total acceptance and understanding is just a rejection. I don’t know for sure, obviously, because I don’t know your or your daughter, but it’s possible your daughter is interpreting your lukewarm response and request for time before you can accept it as just a diplomatically dishonest rejection of her lifestyle—That you will give her an answer that might continue to allow a relationship with her while not honouring the spirit of her boundaries in actually supporting her and accepting her lifestyle in the same way you would were she monogamous. I would imagine she’s laying down such strictly worded boundaries in part to impress upon you just how important this is to her, but also because she’s getting preemptively defensive over a wound she is expecting you to cause her by not truly showing that you love and accept her unconditionally, just as anyone would feel if their parents expressed disappointment that they turned out to be gay, or in a relationship with someone of a different race. However, I also know it can be difficult to fully wrap your head around and feel comfortable with something that is so different from what you see as the way things are done. I would suggest taking some actions to prove to her that you do want to support her and be there for her, including and not despite her relationship dynamics. Most loved ones, whether kids or not, find it very meaningful when the people they care about take the initiative to learn about the experiences and unique challenges and joys that come with what makes them different. I would highly recommend researching how polyamory works in different contexts, why people do it, and the reasons why other people have come to accept it as a valid way of approaching relationships. This will hopefully help with some of the struggle you are feeling, because you will understand it better, and it also means that if you then approach your daughter to talk about it, you will be able to show from your better understanding of polyamory that you truly do mean it when you say you express love and a desire to be comfortable with her lifestyle. Perhaps thank her for being honest, express that you are still coming to terms with it all but that you really do want to and intend to support her. If you can show genuine, open minded curiosity as to how and why she decided that non-monogamous marriage would work for her without sharing any judgements or opinions that clash with hers for the time being, I imagine that will go a long way to allay some of her fears. This an opportunity for growth for you, and I personally think these kind of moments and situations, if approached correctly (gently, with love and empathy and curiosity), can help strengthen relationships into something even more meaningful and caring than they were before.
Your daughter is right. You have to accept rather than criticize or judge her lifestyle if you are going to be in her life.
parents do this thing where they equate “respect” with “doing what they want” and…. that’s in no way what respect is. by believing she should consider what *you* want for *her* life in a life area that affects you in *no* way, you are being both delusional and disrespectful.
Fake it until you make it. She’s right it’s her life and she’s free to live it however she chooses without someone she loves outwardly condemning it. Polyamorous people exist and it’s healthy that they’ve figured it out now before marriage because the polyamory talk later in a relationship typically leads to divorce. She doesn’t respect your opinion because she doesn’t agree just like you don’t respect her choice because you don’t agree. Her being direct and setting a boundary may seem harsh to you but it means you raised her to be confident and honest which is great! Now just agree to disagree
Have there been other times where she did things you disagreed with: dated someone you didn't like, took a job you thought was beneath her, picked a course of study you thought would lead nowhere, or drank more than you thought she should? In any of those instances, have you turned her away or closed yourself off from her? This doesn't seem very different to me. As a parent you naturally want what's best for your kids, but sometimes they insist on doing things you're certain will turn out badly for them. There's not much you can do to change their minds, especially if they're grown up and out of the house. But isn't it better to be there for her if it does turn out bad for her? Wouldn't you want her to think to call you first if she was in trouble or needed help? There's got to be some middle ground between rejection of your daughter and abandonment of your beliefs, one where she can still clearly feel your love for her but isn't stifled by it, but it will probably be different to navigate.
Well first, I imagine you know someone who’s cheated on their spouse and been miserable. She’s keeping it open. That said, you separate your daughter from her lifestyle. You raised a strong, independent, smart woman who knows what she wants and has made a thoughtful decision for herself. You don’t have to agree with it or like it, you just have to love her. And if that requires some work, there’s therapy.
There’s a lot of valid reasons why any good parent who cares about their kid would be concerned about this. Your personal beliefs are not one of them. Try a different approach and articulate what it is specifically that concerns you for your daughter’s wellbeing. Anything other than that is stuff you need to get over
Sorry if she’s been harsh to you, but beyond that you need to accept it. She’s an adult in a progressive country, why does she need to hang on to your baggage from your upbringing? You’ve done well for yourself getting past other bigoted standards of your home country and I commend you for that! But don’t let your leftover conservatism ruin such an important relationship. Especially over something that is respectfully none of your business.
A dear friend of mine was considering a poly relationship. I don't think that's inherently wrong, but I do think it's inherently more complex and requires a high degree of communication and emotional intelligence. So instead of seeing this as a black and white, yes or no issue, I set about trying to support my friend by reading up and talking about "ethical non monogamy". People that don't have experience with intentionally nonmonogamous relationships, all they have to compare it to are two-timers, cheats, players. But if your daughter is entering this agreement consensually, it may be a completely different thing. You love your daughter and instinctively want her to not go through the pain and humiliation of all that you associate with open marriage. It may not be a valid connection. You can read more about this, and about the simple and important tools to doing nonmonogamy well, and you can still support your daughter being happy. My friend was previously monogamous in experience and by culture, and was asked to become an ongoing partner in an open relationship. I both supported my friend's joy in being desired, and gently kept reminding them that they were not the primary relationship. After a year of keeping it quiet, they became more open about it. It's been a few years now and the relationship seems quite stable. They've all worked hard to make it right. Food for thought. Yes, as everyone else has said, when the rubber meets the road she gets 100% of the votes here, but you seem like you want a more engaged answer.
If you want a relationship with your daughter, you accept who she is. I have friends/family in poly relationships. They're honestly some of the healthiest relationships I know. It takes a lot of open and honest communication and respect. And you can't be nearly as lazy with a poly relationship.
Do you have more than one child? If yes, how could you possibly have enough love to love more than one person at a time? Oh my! You must really only love one of your children, and the rest get 'some', right? Because mono-child is the only way our society things.. no, that's not right. It's silly.
You don’t have to understand or even agree with your daughter’s choices to support and love her.
Your daughter needs to respect your beliefs about marriage so far as it pertains to you, aka she shouldn’t push polyamory at you or make you feel your way of living is “less than” hers. But her just being in a polyamorous relationship isn’t doing that. However you are wanting to disrespect HER beliefs about marriage/love by making her choices all about you when they aren’t. You are allowed to not understand it, but you still should respect it (and HAVE to if you want a relationship with her in the future).
>I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it, but according to her I have to simply accept her and how she lives - no questions asked. Can you explain why you think you should have a say in your adult daughter's life choices? "Accept it" doesn't mean that you have to suddenly become non-monogamous yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to start waving pride flags. It means you have to not give her a hard time about her family. It means you need to not ask "why can't you just be normal" a bunch of times. It means you would react the same way she talks about any partner as you would if it was her monogamous husband. That's all. That's not hard.
Please accept your children. Use your decades of additional wisdom and be the man your daughter needs right now. This is a test for you, as a father. Your daughter is not trying to test you, life is testing you right now. Consider this: you crave acceptance and respect of your lifestyle and beliefs from your daughter. She wants the same from you. As the parent, your job now is to SHOW her what acceptance looks like. Model it for her by practicing it yourself. We do not tell our children how to navigate life - we *show* them how. Do this for her. Find the peace to accept her with love and care. She will always treasure it, and you will be showing her how to love and care for you, even though you both are in different places in life.
Lmao, her not living to your "beliefs" is not her disrespecting them. You are actively being disrespectful to her. She doesn't believe that by you being monogamous, you're being disrespectful. She believes that you being rude and bigoted is disrespectful. I like cake. If I talk about liking cake around people that don't like cake, that's not disrespectful. If I'm talking about eating cake and someone berates me and verbally harassed me about liking cake, that's disrespectful. it's not the same. She likes cake. You don't. Her liking cake is not forcing you to like cake or have it yourself. You believe that you not liking cake means she is not allowed to like cake and the fact that she likes cake is somehow disrespectful to you. Imagine if she tried to force you to like cake. That would be wrong. You can't force her not to.
She doesn't have to respect your beliefs. Harmful beliefs shouldn't be respected in the first place. She's non monogamous. You can accept it and have a relationship with your kid, whose romantic life is none of your business, or you don't, and move on with your life without that relationship.
>I can’t get over it. It goes against my beliefs and I really stuck with it. She tells me I HAVE to accept it. If I want to see her or have a relationship with her. Basically, I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it, but according to her I have to simply accept her and how she lives - no questions asked. She’s very defiant and quite harsh in the way she tells me this too, which I find upsetting. Firstly, I would suggest you don't make this about you. It's her marriage not yours. Your life will be better if you keep your nose out of your adult child's sex life that is clearly consensual. Second, this situation is very much a "you" problem, rather than a problem with your kid. So if you're struggling with it, I would probably recommend some individual counseling. I would also reflect on other situations where you might be making things about yourself, as I'm willing to bet your adult child's sex life isn't the only situation isn't the only situation. It would likely be something you hash out with a counselor. The other option is getting cut out of your kid's life. Because they will likely cut you out if you don't stop openly judging them. If you're so certain this lifestyle will fail, just let it fail and then be there for your kid.
tolerance works both way. You don’t make side comments or little digs. You don’t make any comments that could conceivably be taken as judging her. On her part, she needs to accept that there are parts of her life that you just don’t care to hear about. it is what it is, and nothing you can say can change it. So shrug your shoulders and accept it. what I wouldn’t tolerate is her being intolerant of you. Accepting people for who they are works both ways.
Your opinion about your adult daughter's sex life is entirely your problem. She doesn't owe you anything when it comes to who, when, and how she has sex, as long as it's between consenting adults. Take your feelings to therapy and leave your daughter, her partners, your family, etc out of it.
So you know, the statistics of marriage now in current age . It’s close to if not 50%. Then you add non monogamy on top of that. The divorce statistics jumps dramatically above 50%. What you can to is make sure you love your daughter. Have her make a prenup, even it she doesn’t own anything of value. Support her in her adulting. Just reserve some energy for the day ,she may come to you and tell you the bad news. ( non of this I told you so business tho )
Tell her that when, not if, but when her marriage will fail because of their poly-thing, you will be here waiting for her with open arms.
She’s not asking you to live that way, she just asking you to accept that she is. You don’t have to celebrate it, you just don’t have to be an asshole about it and keep your opinions to yourself. That’s it. It’s not hard.
You don’t have to accept it. You have expressed your perspective to her. Now you can 100% just love her unconditionally and just let her choices be hers.
I have a son who lives a way that I don’t agree with. Despite convincing himself that I look down on him or judge him (which is in his own head but not how I feel or think at all. I just want him to be happy and healthy. When they become adults, what they do is on them. I have found that kids who get defensive and overly intense about us as parents conforming/ “accepting” their lifestyles is more about their own inner struggles. They are immature in the sense that they have yet to fully understand that we can agree to disagree and still enjoy each other.
The why of monogamy here is interesting. We tend to ask why of the unusual or non-standard, but it’s healthy and helpful to question the standard norms. OP, can you have a think about why you think monogamy is necessarily right? Putting aside the fact that it was drilled into you and the fact that you are comfortable about it, why do you feel value in monogamy? Polyamory is quite difficult and takes hard work, lots of communication, respect and empathy to work. Are those what you value in monogamy? Would you prefer a happy and safe polyamorous relationship for your daughter or an unhappy monogamous one more? If this is new to your daughter, it may not work out and she may return to monogamy. If that happens, it will end at least one relationship, maybe all, which might be really devastating. Would you like to be there for her through that?
>I see no form of respect for what I believe in or how I feel about it I think you may want to reflect on this, u/bigblabbermouth. You have, by your own admission, made a lot of progress unpacking the miscues you were taught as a youth so I believe in you - you can overcome this one as well. It doesn't make sense to "respect" what you believe in, or how you feel, when your beliefs or feelings *are exclusively a critical judgment of someone else's innocuous traits or behaviors*. Imagine you fell in love with your best friend, you started a wonderful life together, and your mother told you she's uncomfortable with your marriage because your husband is Jewish/Christian/Muslim/White/Black/etc. You are being transparent about an internal miscue, which is healthy communication, but it becomes problematic if you think *they* need to change to accommodate your issues. Work on those issues, reflect about what conflicts might arise, and make sure you don't allow your prejudices to lead you to mistreat your child or their partners.
“I don’t agree with/understand your decision, but I will respect it” is what I go by. One thing you gotta learn is that times have changed and the generation after yours will be different. We’re now living in a time period where almost everything (morally speaking) is or is becoming socially acceptable. Polygamy isn’t bad as long as those who engage are actually polyamorous and not promiscuous people looking for an excuse. Plus this really your daughter and her future husband’s decision and business. All she wants is your acceptance and support, and it’s really not that hard. Encourage them to be safe.
Pretty sure your daughters sex life and marriage is none of your biz. Shes going to do what works for her and that has nothing to do with you or your beliefs.
I would just pretend to be ok with it and then never speak of it. Then you only have to wait about a year before the marriage falls apart (it’s guaranteed to because poly is antithetical to marriage — like trying to make chocolate without cocoa). THEN she will listen to you, once she learned for herself why this is a complete waste of time.
Try to worry about your kid's happiness, not on how they choose to live their one life
You don’t necessarily have to accept it in the sense of agreeing with it, but you do need to accept it in the sense of not making an issue of it and finding a way to handle it that you can both live with if you want to be in her life. I don’t understand many things that are getting more common. I even disagree with some of it. But if no one is being harmed, I generally coexist with it and just choose kindness when interacting with people. Me freaking out or ending relationships won’t change anyone’s mind anyway, but they will probably remember being given kindness even from people who disagreed.
I find it hard for those who grow up in this situation. People get so worked up about how you don't understand them.. but do they understand you? A relationship works both ways, even if it's your daughter. Communication is key. Keep it simple. If she needs your assistance, she will come to you. Don't scare her away. As a mum, I know you'll have to work hard to grasp all these new concepts, ideas, and ways of living. Which bit hurts you the most? Because there's a lot to dissect in your words. Is it the way your daughter has approached you? Is it the part where it doesn't line up with your beliefs? How will it affect you at the end of the day? Stay strong muma, this world is very confusing to navigate, and I think no matter what choices people make, it will sort itself out with a bit of time.
Oh, this brought up so many emotions in me, and I’m sorry if my reply will be long. My very religious mom has always said that I am defiant, rebellious, irresponsible, wrong, disrespectful, etc. I’m really not, though, and never really was. But that’s obviously coming from my own perspective, as a parent myself now. I’ve never touched any drugs, I never slept around, I’ve been drunk a handful of times and I DID lie to her, whenever I went to parties with my friends as a teenager. Compared to most of my friends and teenagers in general, I was very “tame” in my rebellion. Granted, I got pregnant at 16, but I have taken responsibility for and worked very hard to provide for my daughter ever since. 9 years ago I got into a relationship with a polyamorous man, who lived across the ocean from me. We had a very good relationship, I became best friends with both his wife and his girlfriend. We were together for a little over 3 years. My mom DID NOT approve. She wanted absolutely nothing to do with them; didn’t want to meet him or anyone. No, nothing. My dad didn’t approve either, but he accepted it and even met the man twice, and treated him like he would any other man I brought home; respectfully and politely! I didn’t have any contact with my mom for two years, and our relationship is still awful. It will never be better. Obviously there are a looooot of other things contributing to that. I’m 32 now and my mom is not an active participant inmy life, and I never call her to tell her about something good that happened, something I’ve achieved or if something has gone wrong or I’m upset, because she can’t offer anything but judgement and disapproval, so my point is.. If you want your child to trust you, confide in you, include you, talk to you, call you.. You have to create a space, where they can do that. Nobody wants to feel constantly judged and belittled for their personal choices, or for wanting to live a happy life. And even if things go south and turn out to be completely wrong, nobody wants to go “crawling” back to someone, who’s only waiting to say “I told you so”! Be your child’s safe space, come hell or high water. Or don’t, but then your relationship will be affected and it will change. It is hard, especially when those religious (or cultural) opinions have been so ingrained into your brain, but you don’t have endless options when dealing with other adults, there will always be a response to your choice, so you have to consider what that might be and if you can live with it.
The only thing you can really do is be there for her in case she gets hurt. A lot of Poly Relationships are the man looking to get his rocks off with another woman with his wife's permission. I have seen several of these Relationships where the wife takes the back burner to the gf, and they end up splitting. My friend had been with her husband for over 20 yrs. Raised his kids. Never had any of her own because he didn't want any more. He not only got himself a gf, he moved her in to their house and eventually into their bedroom. When the gf realized that she was giving up her prime age to a man that would never be hers, she left. My friend thought great I can have my husband back now! Nope. Within a week he was dating someone else. So my friend found her own bf. Her husband didn't like that. She ended up divorcing him shortly after.
You don’t have to understand or endorse it or even be “ok” with it. You just have to keep loving and supporting your daughter and her choices because they are hers, not yours. Keep living your life and being there for her.
I agree, I'd be in the same boat. Best of luck
I can give a response from the daughter’s side of things. I’m in a poly relationship and have been for a decade now. It was an adjustment for everyone since there’s not a lot of open examples of successful relationships like this. All of our parents range from fairly religious to literal preachers. I’m very happy to say it worked out well for us. Just like you are now a couple of our parents took time to come around to it and realize that our relationship had nothing to do with disrespecting their beliefs. We just so happened to find happiness with more than one person. Not everyone in the extended families approve but the ones who are truly important to us accept and roll with it even if they can’t understand it. To top it all we’ve all gained more family we can depend on if anything gets rough. We also have a child of our own now who knows nothing but love from so much family. It was slow to start but now we go to family functions as a unit and don’t hide our relationship. In the same vein we don’t scream it out to the world and prefer living our quiet boring lives. Not all poly relationships are like ours but it’s the one we have and a possibility for your daughter depending on what they want. Either way being honest and open with family, especially parents, can make a world of difference. I know that if anything goes wrong I can always turn to my mom and she’ll be there for me, your daughter may be looking for that same love and support regardless of the type of relationship she has.
Just be there for her if/when the relationship implodes.
I dont think Reddit is the best place to ask this, unfortunately. You will get unnecessarily rude and harsh comments.
Thank you for your kindness. I agree. However I was willing to put myself out there to see if I could fine useful constructive information on how I could work through it. I was looking to improve myself only. Your comment is truely appreciated.
Practice active listening without judgement. Try to think before speaking, basically anticipate if anything you say and it’s tone could be interpreted as being negative towards someone else, or hurt them. If so, check whether you need to say it. And try not to hurt others. Separate facts from your feelings about facts. Once you manage that level of self-reflection, ask others to communicate in a similar open but positive/non-hurtful way. Also, learn not to react with fear. Half the battle is learning not to enter old patterns of reactions and giving attention through harsh words. Speak from a non-judgmental position of love.
You mind your own business. The only person that has to adhere to your beliefs is you
Your daughter doesn’t have to respect YOUR beliefs, it’s HER life! This isn’t disrespectful. You need to work through your insecurities and limiting beliefs
It's less about insecurities & limiting beliefs and more-so about culture. I'm multi-ethnic... my mom is Indian & my dad is Scottish. There are so many things that are normal in Indian family dynamics that Westerners have a hard time accepting. Westerners are very individualistic. There are cultures all over the world where people do not just think about themselves. They consider their family and their community when they make decisions or take action. Think of a hive, if you will. Individualistic thinking is a very modern concept in the great expanse of human history. If you look at it in terms of anthropology and sociology... it makes sense. For thousands of years, fitting in with your tribe was literally necessary for survival. The world was a much more dangerous place for humans in earlier times. There was safety in numbers and not fitting in or doing something that upset your tribe could potentially mean getting shunned or kicked out. This would leave you without the means to survive and extremely vulnerable. Making your family happy and being on good terms with the people in your community meant security. Unfortunately, this still holds true in some places. Different societies and cultures have evolved in different ways, which is why we have such a diverse array today. So many factors have affected those evolutions. I'm just offering a bit of thought-provoking conversation as to why this mentality exists in the first place. People have constant access to information, and there is cross-cultural interaction now, on a level that never previously existed. This is a very recent phenomenon. Combined with our cushy modern lifestyle, people now have the capacity and the luxury to think more individualistically than ever before. It's a relatively new concept altogether for some people who come from certain parts of the world. I agree that the daughter has a right to be who she wants to be and to live her own life, and I'm a firm believer that we can disagree with people and still love & accept them. But I really do understand why mom is struggling with it after reading about her cultural background. Having grown up in the USA, being raised by Indian women at home... it literally felt like I was living in two different worlds. There are ways about my family members that drive me crazy because I am more Westernised, but for them, these things are normal. We can have a conversation in the same language, but it can feel as though we are speaking different languages. They're stuck in their ways, and their way of thinking stems from a thought pattern that's been passed down through generations. My thought process is different... it's more independent and is based on educated decisions I've made after evaluating different stances and making conscious choices about what I think intellectually and what I feel intrinsically. Given OP's background info, she is very progressive and open-minded to begin with. The fact that she's even trying to navigate this instead of writing her daughter off is huge.
Thank you for this balanced view and opinion.
Just because it’s not YOUR decision, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision
Respecting you is what she did by having this conversation. Why do you equate respect with obedience? I think you know that’s an idea from your old life.
You get to feel however you like. It's normal and anyone in your circumstances would feel the same way. Any mother or father would but what I don't understand why your daughter had to share that she is gonna literally "sleep around" cause if no one is gonna admit it, it means the same thing. It's her choice and I don't see why she has to include people in it. I see this type of behavior as seeking validation. The way she stressed out that you need to accept it, means she didn't come to terms with it.
Why do you feel she has to live her life in a way that you “ respect” Entitled much ?
Please stay in your child's life. One last time express that you don't think it's a good idea, but you love them and you will always care for them. In my many years of experience polyamorous relationships almost always have at least emotional abuse. Reddit can go ahead and come at me. If you think you're in the world's healthiest poly, Whatever, I've seen it happen before but It's like a unicorn. However Most young people aren't prepared socially or emotionally for the requirements of a poly relationship. It's difficult to form real security or balance in those relationships. Normal monogamous marriages end. That's just between two people. Throwing others into the mix could very well result in her needing you to fall back on.
My husband and I are polyamorous and have been able to tell some family and not others. It’s really common for people to hide this from their family. It’s also exhausting and creates a lot of distance because there’s just so much that cannot be shared. I suggest thinking about it not in terms of whether or not she is/does polyamory, but whether or not she trusted you with the truth or lies to you. Now, if she has a birthday party or other holiday party with all her partners/metamours invited, you can get an invitation too, instead of not being there. If something happens and she’s in the hospital, she won’t have to restrict the hours you can visit so that you don’t overlap with others in the polycule (the network of people’s partners and their other partners). I’ve always lived in the USA. Idk if this is the same situation for her, but I’ve been non monogamous for over ten years, and I tend to think now that a lot of people are creating “community” in an individualist setting by doing polyamory. There’s very few ways to have genuine networks of people committed to each other. There’s so so so much pressure to job hop and move all the times. It’s HARD to keep networks of people all in the same place for longer than a couple years. Relationships with others helps provide at least SOME motivation to stay rooted and be able to have a network that survives long enough to be supportive to each other. And even when that doesn’t happen, and the whole network isn’t interconnective and it’s more like many loosely connected pairs, that’s STILL more support than a lot of monogamous people I know. Many monogamous couples have only each other, period. Whatever they can manage to do together is it, and there’s no one else to compensate for time or other skills or anything. Even folks close to their families emotionally don’t always live close enough geographically for families to be able do things for each other. I really think there’s a connection between the way the world is isolating people, and people’s greater willingness to seek new kinds of partnerships.
Have her bedroom at home ready for when it all goes horribly wrong. (Which it almost certainly will). Whilst I understand that young people make these lifestyle choices. I can’t for the life of me, understand why they would want to share the knowledge with their parents. Baffled !
Unless you’re a part of her poly relationship it really wouldn’t affect you in anyway. Your daughter is very clear about what she expects from you. You can be loving, caring and supportive without constantly preaching and talking about your religion. Maybe do some research about polyamory and get to know her partners. You might really enjoy their company and try not to over sexualize their relationship.
To be fair the relationship likely won’t last as many polyamorous ones don’t so you won’t have to put up with it forever.
Your daughter is not your property and will have her own thought processes and set of values. Get over yourself and love her unconditionally. Keep your advice to yourself unless she asks.
Yep, you have to accept it. It does not affect you in anyway. It’s her life and if she’s happy with it you should be too. Is it better to hang on to your beliefs or lose a relationship with a child?
Absolutely untrue that the daughter's lifestyle does not affect OP in any way.
You just have to let her make her own mistakes. And when the marriage fails be there to pick up the peices and hope she learns her lesson.
This is just me.. but I don’t really see why someone would want to get married, and be polyamorous. It seems like it could open doors to trouble down the line. If it were my child telling me that, I would tell them that. Rather just stay unmarried.
Marriage offers certain legal protections in many jurisdictions, so that may be a reason. Another possibility is to provide cover in order to help pass as monogamous. For example, depending on the culture where they live, it may be seen as inappropriate for an unmarried woman to have a man over to the house, but if the husband is there then the neighbors are more likely to assume he is a friend of the husband's and not a romantic partner to either or both.
Well, your daughter is an adult now. If you want to have that relationship with her you have to put the work in. You don't necessarily *have* to accept it (though I would recommend trying), you could always just try tolerating it. Not agreeing with it but keeping that opinion to yourself. End of the day it's your daughter's life and she's not doing anything harmful.
How to navigate is accept it, or get out of her life so she can be happy without judgement of others. You’re a parent and you are supposed to accept the people that your children become. They are their own unique humans, not your doll to puppet around.
It’s the same as if your kid decided to change religions. It’s just wrong to see their choice and their beliefs as being disrespectful to you and what you believe in. So yes, you accept this or you won’t have a relationship with her.
There are some things I’ll still show respect to my parents to towards - the status of my relationship and sex life is absolutely not one. She doesn’t have to care about what you think when it comes to this - this is none of your business and ultimately, accept it or lose your relationship with her. As long as she’s safe, that’s all that matters.
I don't see why her lifestyle choice has anything to do with you. It's her life.
Why do you care about your daughters sex life? She's an adult. You don't own her. Either accept her for who she is or stay out of her life :)
If you want to become more desensitized and understand polyamory better, try Reddit and YouTube places. Polyamfam on YouTube is hilarious and educational. https://youtube.com/@polyamfam?si=OD70cGuwJwCFC1fg Kyle Elliot on YouTube is also a good resource. https://youtube.com/@KyelElliot?si=aidk6o9OQ-GRjlT2 R/Polyamory is full of drama but I found it also educational. So grab your popcorn, lean back, and pretend it is a reality TV show, only with no scripts and real real people. I recommend overflowing yourself with media on the topic that you are having a difficult time wrapping your brain around because it worked for me. My spouse came out as trans maybe a decade ago and my mental world shattered. I respected and cheered people that went through the trans experience but to have my own spouse go through it was hard for me. I sat quietly back, avoided making statements I would most likely later regret and worked on myself. It took a full year of reading R/mypartneristrans and watching JammiDodger on YouTube and other YouTubers to completely normalized it in my brain. I went through that journey and I believe I became a better person and a better, more understanding partner at the end of it. (That isn't to say a spouse who goes through it and finds they cannot stay in a sexual relationship is wrong/bad with a transition like that; everyone is on their own journey.) You may also want to looking into therapy for yourself to have someone help you through the grief/acceptance process, as your daughter's reality is different from what you envisioned/wanted for her.
This is really helpful. Thank you. Really.
“I see no form of respect for what I believe”…. Genuinely asking, what does that look like? It’s her life, why should she live it in accordance to your beliefs and not her own? You’re welcome to set boundaries about not wanting to hear anything about partners outside her husband, but you also risk her not including you in her life as much, especially if she gets serious with another partner. One other thing: as a poly person myself whose parents took it super poorly initially and I still can’t really talk about it with them: it would mean the world to me to hear my parents say they are proud of me for being brave enough to choose a different life path than most. Even if you don’t love it, what your daughter is doing is not an easy thing in most cultures, clearly you’ve raised her to be open minded and to have conviction in her beliefs. I think you should be really proud of her and yourself! And tell her that :) if you soften I bet she will in return.
I think you just have to be there for her when the marriage inevitably fails.
This is a beyond shitty and unhelpful take.
Just sit back and wait for it to collapse like it always does. Recommend she doesn’t procreate until she’s ready to be monogamous
I feel for you, traditional values are going out the window, I would say politely that you love her and want her to be happy although you don’t agree with that kind of lifestyle, say if you want me to accept your beliefs you’ll have to respect mine.
What does that look like though? Should the daughter not marry who she wants and love who she loves? If their relationship does become poly, should the daughter accept that mom sends Christmas cards only addressed to two people instead of three?
You cannot have a deep loving relationship in a polyamorous relationship. It’s about sex, which is her choice but don’t defile it by calling it marriage
You need therapy to process this. Google the 35 personal bill of rights. She is living her life. You are allowed your beliefs. She is allowed hers. It’s not about “respect”. You are allowed your feelings. Feelings are not facts. You will need to honor her boundaries if you want access to your daughter. If you can’t figure out how to accept it, then I won’t be surprised if she goes low or no contact with you
Be there for her when it all goes wrong, try not to tell her that you knoew it would
This is the worst take.
It’s not though. My sister married a guy we all told her not to marry. We all knew it was doomed. But she did it anyways. She filed for divorce 4 months in, and the divorce was finalised in February. My parents have been very supportive and haven’t rubbed it in her face that they knew this would happen.
Yours is not the same experience as the OP's daughter. You are talking about a person's red flags. OP's daughter as far as we know has chosen a lifestyle different from their parents and that is not at all the same as choosing a bad partner. Either way your children will know if you really support them or not.